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burntpastel · 4 years

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late (ch2)

(On AO3)

Summary: Midoriya is acting unusual. Aizawa sends Mic to investigate.

Notes: A second chapter to Late, commissioned by Ivyblush and theDavynator on AO3! thank you again!!

CW rape, underage, age difference, teen pregnancy, lactation, trans deku

raping people is evil. adults who date and/or fuck minors are evil. dont do it, and and don’t base any real life relationships or choices off the content of fanfics.

18+, grapefruit, explicit, etc.

"Midoriya skipped training again today," Aizawa casually announces without turning away from the paper he's grading.

It didn't surprise Hizashi when Midoriya took a couple days off school and holed up in his dorm room for a while–or when he finally came out but barely ate, got terrible grades, and was often found puking in the restrooms. That's normal behavior after he fucks a student.

It's not, however, normal for these things to persist five whole months down the line. Maybe they'd remain a little dour, sure, but usually they bounced back by a month or so (if they didn't just drop out.) Yet, the bags beneath Midoriya's eyes just seem to be getting deeper and deeper, his grades never really improve (even with Hizashi padding them where he can) and he still hears Midoriya retching from the bathrooms whenever he watches the dorms.

"Oh yeah?" Hizashi replies in the same manner, hands busy with pouring himself a cup of coffee without getting burned by their shitty leaky carafe.

He isn't sure if Midoriya's just more sensitive than his previous students, or if it has to do with living on campus with him, or if it's… something else. Still, Hizashi doesn’t really love facing the icky aftermath of his actions (beyond seeing the newfound fear in his students’ eyes), so he’s never bothered to confront Midoriya about it.

He and Aizawa are alone in the teacher's lounge, everyone else having scattered to eat their lunch elsewhere. Aizawa stays quiet while Hizashi brings his lunch over to the coffee table and begins settling in across from him.

"What happened that night Midoriya went missing for an hour on your watch?" he asks before bringing his own coffee to his lips, watching Hizashi carefully over the rim.

Hizashi peels back the plastic surrounding his sandwich.

"He broke curfew, so I gave him a stern talking to." He takes a bite. "You'd be proud."

Aizawa's eyes narrow. He looks away as he sets his cup back down, fixing his gaze on the table.

"...Do you always have to go after my students," he asks, quiet. "You teach other classes."

"What can I say? I like 'em with a little muscle. Makes it better when they don't even use it."

Aizawa just sighs.

"Can you blame me? I was under the impression you had the same tastes, Shouta."

"Don't call me that," Aizawa snaps, then continues, "You're going to get caught."

"Hey, I think if he hasn't told anyone after five months then I'm in the clear."

"He won't have to talk about it if he keeps missing school. Someone's going to start asking questions eventually."

Hizashi frowns, because that's true. Usually he wouldn't be too worried about that with the addition of the dorms–no prying parents to worry about–but Midoriya and All Might seem to have a weirdly close bond, and All Might's really the only one out of the loop at this point.

"What do you want me to do about it?" Hizashi asks, bemused. "They usually get better on their own."

"I don't know. Did you…" Aizawa pauses, rethinking his question. "Is there a chance that he's pregnant?"

"Probably," Hizashi mumbles, avoiding eye contact by staring down the food in his hands. He doubts the kid was on any birth control; he doesn't seem very popular with the guys (or anyone else, for that matter) and Hizashi failed to remind him that emergency contraceptives were an option.

Aizawa closes his eyes and sighs, leaning back against his seat while Hizashi eats.

Eventually, Hizashi speaks up. "Look, I'll talk to him about it later, okay?"

"I doubt he'll want to talk to you," Aizawa retorts.

"Well, are you gonna ask him?"

Aizawa falls silent.

"I'll talk to him," Hizashi affirms.

Midoriya has a fairly solid routine of stopping by the restrooms after school ends, so Hizashi decides to wait outside for him. Leaning against the wall just beyond the door, he can distantly hear him heaving. It's pretty convenient, actually, because by the time he finally finishes up the hallways have emptied out. (Hizashi would have thought he'd take more care not to end up alone, considering, but he supposes illness waits for no one.)

Midoriya doesn't notice him at first when he emerges, shrugging his backpack back on as he stumbles forward in a daze, his face pale and hair stuck to his forehead with sweat.

"Hey–"

Midoriya startles hard. His eyes are often dull as of late but they quickly fill up with fear as he processes who he's staring at. He takes a step back but Hizashi is quick to grab his arm.

"Ah-ah! We need to talk."

Gasping, Midoriya struggles as Hizashi tugs him towards one of the now empty classrooms. Either he's too out of it to think to use his quirk, or he knows better. Hizashi slides the door open and shoves him inside. He's quick to straighten up and start backing away, putting a few desks between them while Hizashi shuts the door behind them.

"Sit down. I just wanna talk." Hizashi pulls out a seat himself, figuring that if he's seated then Midoriya may be more inclined to follow. He does, reluctantly–eyes locked on Hizashi as he eases down into a chair a somewhat awkward distance away, keeping his hands braced on the back and the desk, like he's ready to leap up at any second.

Hizashi leans back, crossing his arms and scowling at the kid, like all this is his fault.

"People are starting to get worried about how sick you've been."

Instantly Midoriya's eyes drop to the floor, practically wincing. He makes no effort to fill him in.

Hizashi tilts his head. "Have you taken a pregnancy test?"

Midoriya doesn't answer, but the way he bursts into tears speaks loud and clear.

Damn unlucky kid.

Hizashi rolls his eyes and groans, his stomach sinking as he slides down in his chair. He technically knew his 'birth control plan' of never fucking the same kid twice was failable, but it had worked up until now (to his knowledge, anyway–not like he'd know if any of the previous kids went out and got an abortion on their own.)

"What are you doing, kid? It's been five months! Go to Recovery Girl–she does abortions all quiet for the hero course."

Midoriya's arms protectively cross over his stomach as he sobs, shaking his head almost imperceptibly from its place hung over his lap.

"What, you want to keep it?!" Hizashi gapes. "Are you serious? What are you going to tell people when you pop out a kid?"

Midoriya actually has the nerve to pick his head up and scowl at him through the tears streaming down his face. Hizashi snarls, before jumping to his feet and storming over to Midoriya. He catches his arm before he can fully bolt out of his chair, pulling him back and gripping him by the shoulders. That fury in Midoriya's eyes is quickly replaced with horror.

"I know you're not going to tell them I did it," Hizashi growls, "because if the police come poking around, you'll have to tell them everything. You know that? You have to give them every little detail or you're withholding information–which is a crime.

“You'll have to tell them how you broke curfew and made me come looking for you, how you failed to notice me in the showers, how you stuck your little ass out for me to see, that you let me fuck your mouth–"

"Stop it!"

"–and that you squeezed me so tight I came inside you."

Midoriya’s eyes squeeze shut, his head dropping.

Hizashi leans closer. "Are you gonna tell them all that? Because I will. I'll tell them everything–and if our stories don't match up completely, you'll be in a lot of trouble."

He's by no means unused to lying, manipulation or blackmail–yet, he sort of feels sick as the words tumble out of his mouth. Midoriya slumps back down into his chair when Hizashi releases his shoulders, burying his face into his hands as he sobs.

It's not nearly as pretty a sight when his lips aren't stretched around his cock.

"That's what I thought," Hizashi says anyway, putting on an air of confidence even as he looks away.

Discomfort twists in his gut as he listens to Midoriya's barely restrained wails echo through the room–which then warps into frustration, each heaving gasp Hizashi hears wracking anger into his very bones.

There were plenty of solutions to this, and the kid has the nerve to cry and blame him?

"You've got maybe a month to think about aborting it, after that you'll have to carry it to term either way," Hizashi says coldly when Midoriya pauses to catch his breath between sobs. "Does anyone else know?"

Wiping away steadily replenishing tears, Midoriya shakes his head.

"They'll know soon enough,” he huffs. “Are you showing yet?"

He can't see much through his blazer, but he thinks there's a pretty good chance he is; Hizashi knows he's been avoiding his hero costume in favor of U.A.'s looser-fitting gym clothes lately.

Midoriya makes no effort to answer him, so Hizashi reaches forward to grab a fistful of his uniform and tugs upwards, revealing his stomach. Midoriya weakly pries at his wrist in response.

Through his clothes it could probably pass for a little extra weight, or even just a big breakfast–but there's definitely a swell there compared to the lean stomach he'd seen in the showers a few months ago, poking out over the hem of his pants.

And Hizashi put that there.

He glances upwards to see the miserable embarrassment covering Midoriya’s face and, despite everything, he feels heat rush between his legs. It takes him by surprise at first, but it's sure as hell a better feeling than the guilt and fear gnawing at him.

It occurs to him that his once-per-student policy is meaningless now, and if Midoriya's gonna be crying his eyes out and risking getting him caught anyway…

Well, he might as well enjoy it.

Midoriya’s struggle becomes more earnest when Hizashi pops the buttons on his clothes open. He bolts upright out of his chair, sending it clattering backwards, trying to twist out of Hizashi’s grasp–but he has a tight grip on his blazer.

“No!” Midoriya cries so damn loud that fear shocks its way through Hizashi’s body. He claps a hand over the kid’s mouth and shoves him against the desk he’d been sitting at. Midoriya stares up at him with glossy, terrified eyes as he thrashes and tries to pull away.

“Listen,” Hizashi snarls, "it's not unusual for kids your age to get knocked up and it won't hurt your hero image much–but if people find out it had to do with me? Then you’ll always be remembered as the slut who got Present Mic arrested.”

The nails scraping at his wrist slowly stop as Midoriya's weeping returns, Hizashi's words sinking in. He stills, arms dropping to his sides as his eyes fall shut.

Taking this as bitter acceptance, Hizashi relaxes his grip on him–though doesn’t uncover his mouth–and pushes his blazer and button-up off his shoulders with one hand. He urges Midoriya backwards until he's laying on the desk, wearing a face of open misery as his eyes glaze over again–but that's not where Hizashi's attention is focused.

"Your tits are already gettin' bigger..."

They're spilling out over the top of his too-small bra, nipples peeking out from behind the bunched up fabric gathering beneath them. Hizashi bets he has to readjust the thing all day long. He's got red marks along his shoulders where the straps have been rubbing and straining to support him.

Hizashi's definitely doing him a favor when he rips it apart at the lacy seam between the cups. Midoriya winces as his only support falls away, his tits pooling on his chest.

"Heh. Are you sore?" he asks, groping him with his free hand, pleased it actually fills his palm this time around. The way Midoriya's eyes pinch shut suggests yes. His hands clutch at Hizashi's sleeves in some kind of feeble attempt to resist, knees tense around Hizashi’s hips. Perhaps he’s trying to prevent him from pressing any closer.

Hizashi squeezes and tugs his nipple and Midoriya gasps when something wet and white dribbles out. His hands snap to Hizashi's wrist to pry him off but Hizashi just chuckles and repeats the motion. Kicking his thigh, Midoriya squeals something under his palm as his tit squirts a solid stream this time. The moisture makes Hizashi's fingers slip away, but he cackles as Midoriya's face screws up, flushing bright red down to his chest, where his arms promptly cross.

Now that's a good look. He much prefers tears of humiliation over shame. His cock is already straining against his pants, but first he needs a little more insurance that the kid won't run while he's getting undressed

"You're only halfway through your pregnancy but you're ready to pop that sucker out already, huh?"

He pulls his hand away from Midoriya’s mouth and his head falls to the side, burying against his own shoulder without ever peeking his eyes open. Hizashi's hands trail down to undo his uniform's belt and pants. His knees tighten around him, but he doesn't otherwise react until Hizashi nearly pulls him off the desk as he's tugging them down his legs. He has to grasp the desk's edge to keep himself from falling when Hizashi forces them off along with his shoes.

He didn't notice when he was just looking at his stomach, more focused on his baby bump, but now he can tell Midoriya has put on a little weight. Even with all his muscle he was kind of a beanpole a few months ago, but here–his ass and thighs actually have some substance to them, pooling over the surface of the desk as they're pressed against it. Maybe it says something about Hizashi's perceptiveness that he didn't notice all this sooner… but, no; the kid never really filled out his uniform to begin with, so it easily looked natural when he began to, and even then it still hangs a little loose around him in places.

Hizashi can't help but drag his palms over his thighs appreciatively. His hips press forward until the bulge in his pants nudges against Midoriya's cunt, making his legs twitch and tense. He can see the strain in his shoulders and the uneven rise and fall of his chest.

"Gonna be good this time?" Hizashi asks as he draws back to undo his own belt. "It won't hurt as much if you just sit still and let me do my thing."

He plans on making that as hard as possible for him, of course. Predictably, Midoriya doesn’t try to answer him–just squeezes his eyes shut tighter. Hizashi kicks off his shoes and drops his pants, relieved as his aching cock springs free, while Midoriya flinches far too hard at the sound of his belt hitting the floor. His legs twist shut on what Hizashi has to assume is reflex, because he has no trouble prying his knees apart to put himself between them again.

Hizashi clicks his tongue. "What are you so afraid of, huh? You're already pregnant. The way I see it, you should just enjoy yourself."

Hizashi wasn't planning on doing much with his cock–not yet–but the way Midoriya recoils makes it hard to resist. With one hand on Midoriya's knee and the other wrapped around his length, he gives himself a few precursory strokes before pressing forward, burying the head of his cock between the lips. He watches the kid's body jerk as he barely suppresses the urge to escape, clearly expecting Hizashi to fuck him dry again. Instead, Hizashi lets his dick slip upwards and uses his fingers to hold it down against his clit as it slides forward. Midoriya's knees twitch twice as it's touched, and again every so often as Hizashi's piercings slide over it. He moves slowly, letting each one catch and rub over his clitoris, before drawing back just as slow and letting it do the same in reverse.

Hizashi isn't sure if it's frustration or confusion contorting Midoriya's face, but his brows are deeply furrowed. Once it reaches his tip again Hizashi presses back down between his lips, harder this time–threatening to actually push inside. Midoriya's jaw tenses in preparation, his breath hitching. And then Hizashi does it again, lets it slip up and rub over his clit all painfully slow, back and forth.

It's definitely frustration, at least this time. Hizashi has to laugh at the way he writhes and huffs on the desk in front of him.

"What, do you want me to fuck you?"

"No."

The way Midoriya's voice breaks over the syllable makes it sound hilariously unconvincing. His expression mixes with embarrassment while Hizashi laughs at him.

"Oh, we'll get there," he promises darkly.

He does his best to make it feel threatening each time he rubs up against his entrance, varying the intensity and the angle at which he does it. It reminds Midoriya to stay nice and tense whenever he starts to get too into the feeling of having his clit rubbed, legs falling open almost like he wants it. Midoriya's gasp fills the room wherever Hizashi does accidentally slip inside only to pull right back out, which becomes increasingly easy to do as his cunt loosens up with arousal.

Finally Hizashi draws back, because it's also getting increasingly hard to want to pull back out–but not before giving his clit a final slap with his cock just to see him jolt. He reaches a hand up to prod his fingers at Midoriya's lips.

Instead of opening up and sucking them down, he peels his lips back and shows him all teeth. Little shit.

"Hey," Hizashi warns, "if you don't want me to rip up your cunt again then you'll get my fingers nice and wet. No biting."

Midoriya winces. He hesitantly opens his jaw, and Hizashi offers some light praise as he shoves two fingers in. There's a pause while he holds them there and Midoriya pieces together that he has to lick them himself (which wasn't Hizashi's original plan, but that's what he gets for resisting.) His tongue is slow and reluctant to coat them, but it’s good enough once Hizashi presses in and nearly crams his fingers down his throat, eliciting a concerningly wet gag just before withdrawing.

Hizashi pushes his other palm back over Midoriya's mouth as he reaches down and shoves a digit into his cunt, making him writhe a bit despite how easily he takes it. Hizashi is quick to add a second once he realizes just how wet he is–much more than expected. He sets a firm but not quite punishing pace right away, curling up against that sweet spot with every thrust.

Midoriya squirms mostly in rhythm with his strokes and presses a hand over Hizashi's as he whimpers under his palm. He keeps his legs splayed open, eyes squeezed shut as his back arches off the desk, pushing his swollen stomach into the air.

"See? You could have felt like this last time, too, if you would have just played along."

Tears stream down his face and he squeezes Hizashi's wrist like it's torture but the way he cries out suggests otherwise, and when Hizashi brushes his thumb over his clit he's quite happy to rub up against it.

Though the muscles in his arm complain, Hizashi is happy to give it to him when Midoriya starts rocking his hips down on his fingers, silently begging for more. Hizashi's torn between staring at Midoriya's face and being mesmerized by the way his skin ripples with each inward thrust of his fingers. It's so cliche and filthy–the high pitched moans echoing around the empty classroom along with wet squelching and the slapping of skin on skin–and Hizashi loves it. It feels absolutely addictive with the way he's all wired with nerves that were frayed just minutes ago.

Midoriya's moans slowly become that much more lewd and needy, his pussy clenching rhythmically around Hizashi fingers, informing him it's time to switch things up. He withdraws, watching Midoriya roll his hips against nothing as his hole visibly gapes and tightens–practically begging to be filled up. Midoriya peeks at Hizashi through glassy half-lidded eyes, his hand edging down the desk beside his hip like he wants to touch himself.

He turns rigid when Hizashi grabs his dick and positions himself at his entrance, eyes widening at the sight.

"Don't worry, I'll let you come," Hizashi assures, intentionally misreading him. "You squeezing my dick last time was one of the best things I've ever felt. Like hell I'd skip out on that!"

He pushes inside before he even finishes talking. Midoriya's eyes snap shut as he sucks in a breath. Hizashi intentionally left him a little underprepared–not enough to hurt, but enough that he'd react to the stretch. He didn't want to take all the fun out of it after all.

He lets his head fall back with a groan as he sinks himself in. Brutalizing him last time was great, sure, but physically speaking this is much better, his cunt all slick and throbbing around him. Midoriya's thighs tremble around his waist as he hilts fully inside him, breath blowing hot and uneven over his hand. Hizashi savors the feeling with a few slow thrusts, watching his cock be happily swallowed up by the kid's cunt, just inches below the swell of his pregnant belly.

Just like with his fingers, Hizashi quickly sets into a hasty pace without any build up. Midoriya goes taut again, back arching off the desk so far Hizashi hears it pop a few times. Midoriya whines under his palm, starting out a complaint, then ending somewhere more sexual. Hizashi watches his body jostle with each thrust, his tits actually big enough to bounce this time.

He frowns when Midoriya bundles them up in one arm and lays the other over the top of them. He honestly can't tell if Midoriya's just embarrassed and trying to cover up–or if they're so tender that the movement hurts and he's trying to hold them still. A smile tugs at Hizashi's lips, and he's honestly hoping it's the latter as he finally removes his palm from Midoriya's mouth to grab his wrists, prying them away from his chest and pinning them to the desk at his sides.

His thrusts become sharper, snapping his hips into him to displace Midoriya's breasts as much as possible. His mouth falls wide open in a silent scream, the only sound coming out what gets forced from his lungs with each jolt of his body–his expression a delightful mix of embarrassed and pained underneath overbearing pleasure.

The desk scrapes across the floor little by little, and Hizashi just follows it along until it bumps up against the neighboring one and finally stops. He's panting, eyes fixed on Midoriya's form. Every part of him is so good to look at, from his bright red tear streaked face, his bouncing swollen tits that move his nipples in little circles, to his protruding stomach. Usually when he fucks beanpoles like Midoriya he can see his dick bulging in their stomach, but his is already so swollen that it just disappears inside him completely. A groan escapes Hizashi's lips, cock throbbing hard when he thinks about how close it must get to his womb with each thrust.

He pushes Midoriya's wrists up above his head and curls his fingers over the edge of the desk, keeping them firmly pinned there while he leans down to suck on the tender, swollen skin of his chest. Midoriya's breath hitches and he tries to recoil away, arching uselessly against the desk. Hizashi pays him no mind, nuzzling his lips and tongue against his breasts, trailing wet kisses across them as he draws pained whimpers from him.

"Stop–!"

He's rewarded with a ring of teeth around his nipple. Midoriya flinches hard underneath him, tightening wonderfully around his cock.

Hizashi hadn't expected to have such an effect with just his teeth, but he definitely feels liquid hit his tongue. He… finds it hotter than he thought he would. Maybe it just feels akin to the times he's gotten a student to squirt while raping them, especially when he glances up to see Midoriya's bright red face so twisted with embarrassment that he's practically cringing.

Still, he's not quite around to the idea of swallowing it. He lifts his head and lolls his tongue out, letting it mingle with his saliva as it drips down hotly onto Midoriya's breast.

"You're just overflowing with this stuff, huh?" Hizashi licks his lips in between huffs. "No wonder you're so sore."

Midoriya just buries his face harder against his shoulder, chest spasming with sobs and strangled moans. Hizashi flicks his tongue up his opposite breast and over his nipple, keeping Midoriya plenty tense around him, before finally drawing back, feeling an orgasm beginning to coil between his legs. He releases his wrists, revealing the bright red marks underneath, grabbing Midoriya's jaw to move him into a better position to clamp his hand back down over his mouth. With the other, he gives his nipple one final tug that Midoriya's too slow to slap away before slicking up his fingers again in his own mouth.

He angles his hips so that he can keep fucking him while he reaches down and rubs his fingers over Midoriya's clit. Midoriya's eyes squeeze tighter as his back arches off the desk, hands clasping around Hizashi's wrist above his face.

He comes in seconds. His cunt squeezes him as he cries out under his palm, hips rocking down on his cock. Hizashi grabs his hip and humps into that tight, pulsing heat with no regard for Midoriya's pregnant form, hips snapping harshly into him in pursuit of his own orgasm.

When it hits, it hits hard. He shoves his cock into him full hilt, pushing Midoriya up the desk an inch, and then another on the second spurt. Their bodies writhe against each other as Hizashi empties himself into Midoriya for the second time, filling up against his occupied womb.

As their pulses come back down and they begin to catch their breath, the foggy haze of arousal clears away, hormones dispersing from their brains. The situation dawns on both of them again; Midoriya's tears catch back up with him, having halted for his orgasm, and Hizashi's stomach sinks again now that fucking a teen he already got pregnant doesn't seem so hot anymore. He lets go of him and pulls out, and the kid doesn't even move beyond burying his face in the crook of his elbow as Hizashi's come drips out of his cunt onto the desk below.

His gut twists harder because Midoriya just looks so broken laying there like that. With his back flat on the desk Hizashi can see how much his stomach has already stretched, and how hard it's going to be on him during the later stages of his pregnancy.

The snivels start up and Hizashi decides–fuck this. He's not dealing with this. He pulls his eyes away to turn around and put his pants back on. It's not his fault the kid doesn't want to get an abortion and didn't take a Plan B anyways. It’s not his fault that Midoriya broke a rule and made himself vulnerable all those months ago. This shit is why those rules exist in the first place!

If Midoriya went and gave himself a lasting consequence to what was only supposed to last a single night, fine. Hizashi will squeeze whatever enjoyment he can get out of it while it lasts.

He doesn't even bother to stay to help him clean up; just starts moving towards the door, and he doesn't look back when he pauses on his way out to say,

"Come to my office on Monday. I wanna, ah, keep an eye on the situation."

#dekumic #grapefruit #My writing #non con #rape #long post #bnha #age difference #unwanted pregnancy ///#teen pregnancy #trans izuku midoriya

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daddychims · 5 years

Text

Offside Pt 5

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5

Series Masterlist!

Genre: Smut, Soccer AU, College AU

Pairings: Soccer Player! Jungkook X Sports Trainer! Reader

Word Count: 2k

Other BTS members all make a cameo as well because I’m an OT7 Trash!

You work as a sports trainer, providing basic first aid and injury management for the Hanguk University’s soccer team. Going with your mundane life of caring for the dozen of guys hurting themselves in the soccer game takes a turn when one of the guys catches your eyes. It’s not his breathtakingly good looks or his muscular athletic body usually seducing girls at the campus that catches your eyes. But the action plan in your kit, indicating he is diagnosed with Asthma is what draws your eyes time and time again to the Golden Boy of Hanguk University.

Warning: Slow burn, eventual smut, Taehyung being a freaking tease the whole time, Fuckboy!Jungkook, Asthmatic! Jungkook , mentions of episodes of Asthma, Take your Ventolin kids, Take your medications kids!

"Can we talk?"

You turn around from where you're standing, checking through the content of your kit to make sure you have enough for the whole duration of the 90 minutes game.

"Not now sorry," You shake head quickly counting through the boxes of gauze and sigh in frustration "I should run back to the office."

"I need to talk to you," He persists, shifting to be in your sight, as you remain unfazed by his existence

"Jeon," you breath out his name in a mixture of anger and annoyance as you grab one of the boxes "I need another 3 boxes of these before I can even think of anything else."

"Fine," he reaches and grabs the box off your hand "Where do I get them from?" He shots back in a rushed tone

"The game starts in 10 minutes!" your frown, not taking interest in his suggestion

"Then I'll be back in 5," he narrows his eyes "Where?"

"The main office," you respond, watching him with observant eyes "Second floor!"

"Fine," he nods as he pushes his hair back with his slender fingers "But when I come back, we're talking okay?!"

"fine!" you raise your hands as a sign of approval and watching him run back to the other side of the field where the main office is located.

You sigh sitting back down and rummaging through your kit again to ensure everything is prepared. Today is the day when Hanguk and SNU soccer teams go head to head for a friendly match.

Even though it's called a friendly match, you very well know how the field can resemble the war scene in at least 30 minutes from now.

These guys are the best of the best, the crops of the cream of their respective universities and its not just about their personal pride but their campus honour which is on the stake.

You already gave Dr Kim a heads up earlier that week, knowing very well the injuries that will happen on the day will exceed all your injury management experience summed up in the past two years.

Fortunately, he was more than happy to cover that night's shift with you, making sure everything goes smoothly with the two teams and hopefully, everyone come out of it alive.

"Y/N!"

You raise your head up, eyes glittering with joy upon seeing your friend running to you in his favourite soccer boots.

"Namjoon, you're late!" you scold, watching him run to your clumsily

"I know, I know," he sighs stopping by your seat and proceeds to do some stretches he should have done much earlier "One of the professors needed help with a paper so I stayed over time. Once I was done with it, it was already half an hour to the game. I dont know how I got here honestly."

"Yeah I get it, you're making good career connections in SNU," you roll your eyes laughing "whatever Joon! But this game is as important in your resume as the connections."

"Hey hey dont give me that sour attitude," he scolds pouting in response

"Fine, you cry baby," you ruffle his hair teasingly "Kick Hanguk's ass, I'm counting on you to teach the source of my nightmares a good lesson."

"Yes Sir-" he responds determined when a familiar figure cuts him off

"Captain," you both turn around seeing the small figure of Jimin nearing both of you

"Park, what's up?" He asks eyeing the guy with concerned eyes

"My neck," he grunts, face scrunched in pain "It's playing up again today."

"Just get it strapped then, we're short on time Park," Namjoon growls in response "Hanguk's a strong team buddy, we dont wanna get fucked in the butt on the friendly match, do we?"

"The sport's trainer covering today's shift called in sick," Jimin grunts in a worried tone "No one's coming to cover her shift either since she called in too late."

You watch your friend's expression hardening as he walks closer to his teammate and checks his tilted to one side neck.

"I haven't done many neck straps before but it'll be better than nothing-"

"I can do it for you," you quickly step in, bending down to grab a tape box off your kit "sit down! quick quick." you order and the guy's expression lightens with a smile

"sure," he shrugs sitting down across you “Thanks, you’re literally an God sent angel.”

"Have you had tapes on there before?" You ask in a rush as you neatly scissor the corners of your tape

"yeah I had," he responds eyeing you carefully as you lean closer to have a look at his neck and fit the tape on it “this pain has been here for a while now.”

"I'm gonna have a feel first yeah?" You ask reaching up to palpate the side of his neck, feeling the muscles tense under your touch “Have you checked it with your sports medicine clinic?”

“Heat pack, massages, hold relax,” he lists them down as if he’s reciting them off a book “I’ve tried anything and nothing has worked.”

You nod your head, lips slightly pursing forward as you concentrate closely on where would the tape sit on his skin.

"You know you should be grateful you get to touch me," He smirks looking up at you teasingly "Not everyone gets the privilege you know."

"alright thanks for the privilege Jimin," you narrow your eyes trying to find the sore spot on his neck "tell me where it hurts the most."

He flinches as you press harder on the area that you feel is knotted under your touch

"there!" he grunts in pain, face scrunching again as you touch your way down to his shoulder girdle "Yes, there Nghh ..."

You proceed to stick the corner of the tape on the side of his shoulder, eyeing the stretch you wanna create over the contour of his shoulder blade across to his spine and stick the other end there.

"Come back for a quick review after the game," you instruct patting the rest of the tape on his skin to create some warmth and increase the adhesion of the material to his skin "Since I'm not familiar with your skin type, I might have done it too tight or too loose. I'll have to review for any reactions."

"Just say you wanna see me after the game again," He smirks, leaning closer to get a better sight of your focused eyes on his neck "Sweetheart you dont need to ask me indirectly."

"Park Jimin-" you scowl, eyebrows furrowing closer but your attention diverts to the guy who comes running back to you

"I came back in five minutes, you can-" his words cease on his lips, expression hardening at the sight of you and Jimin

"Hey Jeon!" Jimin calls with a smirk "nice to see you again. Ready for the game?"

"Can’t wait," Jungkook shrugs before bringing his attention back to you "here, we still have 5 minutes, let's talk!"

"Jungkook, I have to prepare for the game-"

"You said you'll talk to me if I come back in 5 minutes," He shouts back, throwing the boxes of sterile gauze in your kit "You know what screw this!"

You watch with a surprised expression as the guy runs towards the middle of the soccer field away from you.

"He was always a little too heated for his own," Jimin hisses under his breath, moving his neck from side to side "Damn that feels much better already, what did you do?"

"Its placebo effect," You scoff pushing your remaining tapes back in the kit "Seeing my beautiful face made you forget all about your pain." You chuckle

"Well if that's the case ..." he stands up shifting closer and leaning to your face "Wire me some of your placebo effects before every game babe!"

You sigh looking the guy in the eyes for a few seconds "Just when I thought no one can be worse than Taehyung!"

He laughs at your remark and ruffles your hair "Thanks anyway," he mutters softly “ I'm gonna kick Hanguk's butt thanks to you, Miss Placebo Effect."

"Alright tough boy, Don’t go overboard and hurt yourself now." you nod patting his shoulder " I can't just simply strap you off if you come back with a broken bone."

He laughs out loud, amused at your cheeky response but before he can shot back with his usual sassy tone Namjoon calls for him and he waves his way to you before running to the field.

You watch the guy, sitting back in your designated chair when your eyes meet Jungkook's eyes and to your surprise, he's mouthing something to Taehyung while eyeing you carefully.

He furrows his eyebrows closer when he catches your eyes, jawline protruding at the corner of his chin indicating he's exerting some pressure there.

You quickly look away, watching the captains gathering each team to say their final words just before the whistle starts the game.

"If anyone wants a strap come through," you yell at the guys snap the door to the shower room open and rush inside, occupying the space.

You proceed to set the tapes and towels on the small table, swirling a couple of chairs around for the guys who'd soon be occupying them when you overhear the conversation over the well.

"You fucking slammed him Jeon," Taehyung's familiar deep voice echoes as he bumps Jungkook's shoulder with his fist "I've never seen you with your head so in the game."

"He keeps his fire for the right times," Yugyeom responds over the noises that almost block his voice from reaching you over the wall "That's Jeon's strength."

"You should have seen the pretty boy's face when you left the field," Taehyung laughs as he remembers the scene he witnessed moments earlier "He was fucking fuming."

"That's all he's good at," Jungkook finally speaks up in an unimpressed tone "In the end, his head is far up in his ass," He scoffs as he slams his locker closed "He gets ahead of himself and ends up getting in the way."

You furrow your eyebrows wondering who they're talking about so seriously but before you can continue to investigate further, you sense a shadow hovering over your height making you turn your head around to see the person.

"J-Jeon," you call gulping nervously as you quickly turn away from him and grab a towel "Ankle?"

He plops himself down on one of the chairs, raising his usually painful leg up on another as you quickly rummage through your tapes to find one appropriate for him.

"Have you got time after this?" He asks, tilting his chin up to observe you carefully

"I'd have to tidy this place up so I'll be here for a few more hours!" you explain as you cut the corners of the Kinesiology tape and measure it around your wrist to ensure its enough length for his ankle

"I can wait," he sighs, tone slightly annoyed "Except if you’re planning to continue avoid me like the past few days."

You stay silent, sitting across him and measuring the tape around his ankle again to confirm your guestimation. The corner of the tape sticks to his shin and you carefully pull the other end with enough stretch around the sole of his foot.

"I said what I wanted to say the other night," you finally speak up, trying your best to stop your voice from trembling in the middle

"Right, you did," he shrugs, bending his feet up and down as you taught him before while your circle his feet with the tape carefully "But I havent!"

You stick the other side of the tape on his skin and tap the fabric on his shin to ensure it sticks right on the corners. You hate it when the corners of the tape lift up from the skin and it all looks messy.

He sighs, dropping his feet down from the chair before kicking the chair out of the way. You look up at him with surprised eyes as you were still in the middle of your task, but he doesn't allow you to protest as he grabs the leg of your chair with one hand and pulls you closer to himself.

"So what do you say?" He raises an eyebrow, facing dangerously close to you "we talk? after you're done here?"

You look at him with a frown, slightly surprised that he's so persistent on his argument. Your lips part to answer him but the door of the office snaps open and you drift your head around to see who’s the person entering the place.

"Hey," Jimin greets, hand reaching up to make a mess of his wet strands of hair that indicated he just came out of the shower, “Didnt you say I should check this with you after the game?" He then looks at Jungkook , eyes attentively observing the close proximity of your bodies.

"Right," you breath out, quickly standing up from your chair "come in."

Jungkook reaches for your hand and stops you from moving away from him "What time do you finish work?" he asks sternly

"If it doesn't take long tidying at about 8," you reply, twisting your wrist in his hold as an attempt for him to let go

"I'll wait for you then," he grumbles before standing up, the chair under him jolting back from his sudden movement

He throws a glare towards Jimin who's now settling on one of the chairs before limping his way to the shower rooms.

354 notes · View notes

lizzieraindrops · 4 years

Text

Your chance to make the sun rise thrice (Chapter 2)

a river that still runs (8803 words)

Beth Childs has come to Helsinki to meet her best friend Veera for the first time in the Herbs on the windowsill universe, an alternate timeline where the original Helsinki massacre was prevented and DYAD routed by Clone Club Alpha’s successful publicity stunt back in 2001. Veera Suominen and Niki Lintula survived and decided to live in a little apartment together as qpp’s. Numerous Leda clones worldwide are now in contact via a secure online network that Veera maintains.

Note: This chapter is a bit heavier than the rest of the AU. Beth is still struggling with a lot of the same challenges in this universe, even if the events causing them are somewhat different because of such early canon divergence. But the whole point of this story is that things can end up okay no matter how rough it's been. She's getting the help she needs and she's gonna be alright. That said, warning for soft discussion of past abuse, the effects of trauma, depression and anxiety, and some suicidal ideation. And of course, lots of love and learning how to heal, with support from her best friend.

Fun fact: Veera's username is 3mika, and she always sets her font to the precise warm turquoise of hex color #2299aa. She thinks she's hilarious, and she's right.

Also on AO3 | Playlist | Aesthetic sideblog

Part 1: Herbs on the windowsill

Part 2: Someday colors

Part 3: Your chance to make the sun rise thrice | Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3

***

Beth wakes on a squashy couch that isn't hers. Morning-soft sunlight pours through the window above her, bouncing back off the walls to fill even the shady corners with a warm secondhand glow. Her limbs are soft, splayed under unfamiliar blankets and sinking into the cushions. She doesn't move yet.

The apartment. Helsinki. Beth's really here. She holds herself still, letting the truth sink into her. She half expects the usual anxious tension to clench her into a ball the instant she moves a muscle, but it isn't there. Neither is the invisible weight that so often pins her immobile. She still wakes frequently with both of them holding her body hostage, keeping her muscles unmoving but restless, even in sleep. Right now though, they're gone. She just lies there, soft beneath the window.

It's quiet but not silent. The occasional car on the little road outside chuckles as it passes. A soft rush of water echoes through pipes in the walls, running toward an early riser in another unit. These sounds fall strangely on Beth's Toronto-bred ears, isolated in the stillness of this of this little apartment on the outskirts of the city. Still, the early-morning atmosphere settles comfortably into her jet-lagged bones, murmuring a rhythm for her to sink into. The temporal upheaval of a transcontinental red-eye and a series of exhausted naps yesterday have left her a little unbalanced. And yet, here she is waking up with the day, and the ground under her feels so much more stable than she’s used to.

Beth breaks her stillness with a deep, deep breath that she can feel expanding all the way down to her feet. She stretches, too, but soon pulls the toes that get exposed back underneath the warm, scratchy blanket. The cushions of the old couch creak a little in complaint as she shifts, but her limbs remain supple. For a time, she just observes the sensations. Then, her awareness spreads beyond the couch and the window to the rest of the room.

All around her, an oddly blocky pattern covers the walls. It's one of the first things she noticed when she walked into the apartment yesterday afternoon. The pattern isn't wallpaper like it appears at first glance, but actually a multitude of small photographs. Most of them are unframed, but taped up in crisply aligned rows. In them, she sees the same face infused with a hundred different lives. Just above her, a sleeping, slack-jawed redhead with bulky headphones around her neck sprawls on the very same couch Beth's laying on now. A few rows down, a brunette and a blonde with their long hair in matching wild waves are leaning all over each other and grinning like devils. One of the few framed photos shows a girl with a hospital-short buzz cut and a delighted expression, sitting in front of what looks like a mouthwatering strawberry shortcake. Beth can see at least six others in the background behind strawberry girl. Among them are Mika with her unmistakable scars and Niki with her bright blonde hair, their arms around each other's shoulders.

Morning light glances off the glossy surfaces of the photos on the west wall. The particularly bright reflection off one of the framed photos draws Beth's eye. With a tiny jolt, Beth recognizes one of her own selfies beneath the glass. In it, she's wearing the same old turquoise blue sweatshirt that's spilling out of her suitcase next to the couch right now. Underneath it, she's wearing her track gear, so the photo is at least two years old. She'd had to quit cross-country so she could try to get the shitshow her life had become under control. She vaguely recalls sending it to Mika a long time ago. It's strange to think that her presence has been in this apartment for so long.

She's here. In Finland. Staying with Mika – Mika - and Niki. Far, far away from everything.

Sprawling on the couch she slept on with a sigh as if she hadn’t a care in the world, Beth can't believe she's really gone and done it. She's run so far away that there's an ocean between her and her problems. It’s so much better than she's dreamed, even if it's only for a little while. It’s worth it, even though she'll be going back far too soon. For the first time in years, it feels like she’s where she’s supposed to be right now.

It had all started out as foolish idea she'd floated one Saturday morning, months ago. She hadn't been serious at all. She'd woken up so relieved at not having to get up and go to work, until she remembered her weekly therapy appointment with a hopeless groan.

Putting off the genuinely daunting prospect of hauling herself out of bed, she reached out to snag her phone from on top of her dresser, checking to see if she'd heard from Mika overnight. After all, Helsinki was nine hours ahead, so Mika had already seen most of the day that was just beginning for Beth. They talked so often these days, since they'd first made contact over two years ago. Rarely a day passed without touching base. But there wasn’t anything since Beth had checked last night. She took it upon herself to send the first message of the day.

runwaterblue: god, i dont wanna get up and deal with any of thsi shit today

After her world fell apart, after finding out about Project Leda, after realizing that all her nightmares and more were real, after her father...

runwaterblue: wish i could come visit u and get away form everything for awhile

Mika replied almost immediately.

3mika: you can

It was evening in her time zone, but to be honest, Beth had no idea if she had anything resembling a regular sleep schedule. The girl was always online.

3mika: though you really should go to your appointment. you always feel better afterward

runwaterblue: howd you know i have therapy today

3mika: you always have an appointment saturday afternoons

runwaterblue: yes but how do you remember that? i cant evne remember my own appts lmao

3mika: you mentioned it months ago when you switched from sundays to saturdays

Beth shook her head with a smile. Mika was so good with details.

3mika: anyway. you’re welcome here, if you can get here

3mika: it would be great to see you

3mika: Niki wouldn't mind. we've had a bunch of Ledas visit us here, it's always fun

3mika: except that one time Dani and Ary got into a fight over football. some French-Italian team rivalry thing. that was not fun.

Beth laughed. It was funny how Mika was so good at making her do that, even on days like these. She leaned back against her pillow and held her phone over her head without sitting up, being careful not to drop it on her own face. She'd done that before. More times than she'd admit.

runwaterblue: i was kidding. id love to visit, but idk how id get there

runwaterblue: u should see the americans go off abt their football lmao. they're nerly as bad as the hockey freaks here

3mika: pls no

3mika: no more sports. it was a year ago and I’m still exhausted

3mika: sports are banned in this apartment.

Beth snorted. Mika wanted nothing to do with sports of any kind, and with Beth's athletic record, the topic had become a point of mutual teasing between them.

In so many ways, they were such different people, DNA be damned. Mika was reticent where Beth was outgoing. (Or at least, Beth had been. She was never quite sure how to think of herself these days.) Clone drama aside, Beth had been a pretty average Canadian high schooler. She got reasonable grades, played a few sports, and kept mostly out of trouble because there would be hell to pay if she didn’t. Mika was a brilliant homeschooled autistic orphan who had been raised in near isolation by her guardian after surviving the hospital fire that marked her skin for life. Beth mostly listened to pop music, and where no one else could hear, the occasional classical symphony. Mika held fast to Finland's weird obsession with death metal and dabbled in literally everything else.

And yet, Mika understands Beth like no one else does. And it's not just because they've both been through all this Project Leda bullshit. Though Beth doesn't know what she would have done without Mika to help her through that, too.

Beth won't ever be able to forget the moment that everything changed. Recognizing a her own face from the mirror on the evening news stopped her in her tracks, as something in her gut caved in with the hollow certainty that it wasn't her. Then face after face flickered before her, a flipbook barrage of déja vu. Blonde and smiling. Scarred and pensive. Braids and piercings and a rakish grin. Beth was rooted in place as people she had never been wearing things she had never worn said things she was never supposed to know.

That utter strangeness on the screen immediately seeped into her life like an oil slick into a river, tainting every thing she thought she knew with clinging uncertainty. Her father was inexplicably even more upset about it than Beth was, yet adamant that they shouldn't look into the matter. But it was already too late to stop herself from thinking. With slow horror, the truth of what exactly his behavior must mean dawned on her. And yet, even with the desperate growing certainty about who her Leda monitor must be, it was hard to believe that he could be anything other than her plain stern father.

He was always a bit strict and overprotective - probably well more than a bit, she realizes these days. But she’d thought that's just what it was like to be a cop's daughter. He'd never done anything really extreme, nothing beyond the firm discipline any kid could expect. He was just not a man to be trifled with, that was all. So until everything she thought she knew shifted that day and threatened to topple every assumption she’d built her life on, she had never truly dared to cross him.

Outright daring him to say to her face that he wasn't her monitor was probably considered a step beyond trifling. He did not take it kindly.

Two months later, Beth and her mother were living in an apartment on the opposite side of the city. It took two months for the two of them to lay plans to leave together, for good. For two months, her every move was watched. She spent two months knowing there would be hell to pay if she didn't give the performance of a lifetime pretending everything was fine, even while sirens blared inside her day and night. Two months was more than enough to teach her things she never wanted to know about the hidden marks fear leaves on the body.

Even after she finally escaped, her life was in tatters and nothing made sense. It wasn’t just the sudden jarring discovery of Project Leda, or the crisis it had forced her to confront. It was learning that, deep down, she had known that she’d never once felt free. She’d unconsciously kept herself from knowing to avoid exactly that conflict of wills that she’d known she would lose.

Trying to come to terms with what had happened and how it changed everything, Beth was continuously losing her balance. Questioning which parts of her life had been screwed over by her father and which by being part of some ridiculous supervillain science experiment was like trying to stand on two kickboards in a pool. She couldn't find her footing, and all she could do was try and stay afloat. She had to repeat her whole junior year of high school that she lost to this shitshow, while starting over at a new school, and only barely scraped her way into senior year. Now that she knew how honestly terrible she'd been at judging who in her life she could trust, it was as hard to talk to old friends as it was to make new ones.

Therapy helped her start sorting out what she was feeling, and how the environment she’d grown up in was really not the healthiest. She hadn’t realized how much she’d learned to doubt her own perceptions. That made constructing any kind of new understanding of her situation an uphill struggle. And of course, her therapist couldn’t help her confirm anything about a human experiment that was so illegal it had been an international secret. As she continued to stumble forward, Beth even started doubting her former certainty of the identity of her Leda monitor. She questioned herself and everything she knew until she wanted to scream with frustration or weep with confusion. The floor of the counselor’s office could have been mopped with her tears. It was, quite literally, driving her mad.

So, finally, Beth had taken up the invitation on the banner of every Leda news feature to "Contact the secure, clone-run Clone Youth Group Network (CYGNet) for answers by emailing [email protected]."

She wanted something concrete that would help convince her brain to stop reenacting these head games that warped her reality. It still insisted on playing through the patterns it had been taught, even in its teacher’s absence. She needed something that could brace her against the ideas that she was really just paranoid, overreacting, accusing, that this was all her fault for making a big deal out of nothing. Even with his other faults (cruelties, her mind whispered) aside, at least his involvement with Project Leda was unforgivable, and she wanted proof of it. Maybe if she had that, she could stop being mad at herself for not wanting to forgive. And if anyone had that proof, CYGNet would.

Maybe it was just because of the sheer blunt honesty about her motives, or the inescapable vulnerability of the message Beth sent, but Mika had replied to her within a day. And she'd been so gentle about it, too, enough to make Beth later question where the stereotype of autistic brashness came from. Then again, over email, Mika had all the time she needed to compose her thoughts and lay them out as softly as she wanted. She didn't have to spit them out as fast as she could to keep pace with a quick and painfully overwhelming world.

Hi Beth Childs,

I'm so sorry for what you had to go through. I still don't know how they got away with doing things like this for so long. I suppose people will always find ways to be cruel. But we've survived this long, and the whole point of CYGNet is to help us all heal. The experimental network has been dismantled, and we are assembling resources to help us. We've brought mental health professionals on to the project to develop custom programs for our needs. We can make them available to you, if you are interested.

I attached scans of some of your files that we recovered from DYAD. There are a few case reports with the signature of the person you asked about, spaced throughout your lifetime. There are also financial records with his name in the list of paid employees. He was without a doubt part of the Leda monitor program. I can provide all of the documentation that we have related to you, if you like, but I thought that would be too much all at once. I know these are hard to look at, but I hope they help let your mind rest. They are very real, and every awful thing we have experienced was also real, no matter how they tried to convince everyone that we were making it all up.

Please take your time with these, and stay in contact if you want to. You can join our mailing list, if you want to know when we have new information or new resources available. We're here for you.

And hey, if you just want to talk to someone who knows what it's like to deal with all of this, I'm here, too. You can reach my personal inbox or IM me at [email protected]. It'll be okay.

-Veera

Beth had started crying before she even finished reading the letter, much less opened the attachments. She cried so often these days. She only knew why half the time. But this time, it felt like the tears were extracting some of her pain as they left her, instead of just overflowing from the unending wellspring of her directionless distress. All of this was real, and someone else knew it.

Though she was grateful beyond measure for her mother’s untiring support, they were each other’s too-close, ever-present reminders of what they’d survived, trying to act like they weren’t, trying to convince each other and themselves that they were okay. Beth had needed something else, too, something until now unnamed.

This was a handhold, a backstop Beth didn't know she'd been desperate to find. It wasn't just the confirmation of what she’d concluded about her father. The ability speak plainly to someone she didn't feel the need to pretend around was an exhale of a breath held too long. At least one person in the world not only understood, but really and truly didn't want or expect her to act like any of this was normal or okay, or that she would ever be the same again.

Veera – or Mika, as she often went by online – made good on her offer of a sympathetic ear. Their correspondence started off with awkward, grammatically correct messages about the less painful details of their lives. Mika told her about the farmer’s market three blocks away where she went walking early in the morning before it got busy, and the plant stand there that her best friend and roommate Niki (also a Leda) had to ask her to stop buying so many succulents from.

At first, Beth tried to chatter like she used to, but there were no safe subjects. What had happened had touched all of her life. Normally, she’d talk about school, or sports, or her friends. But she was trying to start all over again at a new school with all the struggles that came with it. She didn’t have the time or energy for sports anymore, and talking about them hurt, now. Running used to make her heart sing. But no matter how she tried, there was no joy in the motion anymore. To top it all off, it was as hard to connect with old friends from her old life as it was to try and make new ones. She spent most interactions either doubting her own character judgement or dreading the moment people recognized her Leda face from the news.

She didn’t know how to talk about any of it to anyone. Maybe she could have if it had been just the clone thing or just the dad thing. But the two were inextricably entangled, and she still couldn’t even explain it to herself. It was all unbelievably horrifying, and any time she tried to be honest about it, people ended up disbelieving or horrified. Shocker.

Maybe, though, it wouldn’t be weird to talk about it with Mika. Mika already knew the worst. Beth didn’t have to hide that hurt from her to keep from shaking her world, or to keep her dismissal from hurting Beth. Maybe that’s what was hurting the most: the feeling that even after escaping, she still had to pretend to be okay. That compulsive stifling feeling choked her whenever it bubbled back up. On her bad days, a simple “how are you?” could reduce her to a blank face plastered over a raw tangle of emotions held motionless her own iron grip.

But Mika mentioned having bad days, too. Days came where she was too scared and nightmare-weary to do anything but make herself some tea and soak up some sunlight in the safety of home. Beth could casually say things like after those two months, i still twitch every time i hear a door open, and i wish my body would quit feeling like it doesn’t exist, my legs feel numb. It barely broke the surface of what it was like in her head, but was discomfiting enough for people that she held her tongue at school.

Sometimes, Beth got tired of constantly thinking about all this shit and tried to lighten things up. On one comically disastrous occasion of cultural exchange, she liveblogged Mika her attempt at eating the infamous Scandinavian lutefisk, along with an audio recording of the incoherent horrified noises she made after tasting it. In return, she received a recording of someone, presumably Mika, laughing harder than she’d ever heard anyone laugh before. It made Beth smile. Not many things did, back then.

Slowly, as the formality fell away from their transcontinental conversations, their heavier stories seething below the surface seeped in. Beth had been in therapy long enough now to know that she couldn't just recklessly unload on people the way she did in counseling sessions. But a counselor couldn't always provide the same kind of unspoken solidarity that someone in the same boat could.

Bit by bit, slipped into the chats that were becoming a daily occurrence, they talked about monitors, about what the experiment had really all been for, why that both was and wasn’t important, and how they'd discovered they were a part of Project Leda. Putting words to the pain hurt, a lot. But the ability to lay out long-unspoken truths in front of each other, knowing they were believed in the way that only people who have shared something can, was a healing kind of pain instead of the festering one Beth had been living with.

The two of them had more in common than they'd thought, growing up a world apart. Beth's experience raised under the subconscious wariness of her father's hovering thumb felt a lot like what Mika described growing up largely isolated with her former guardian. But sometimes, whenever they realized that something they'd both thought was normal was pretty not, they got a good laugh out of it despite the weight of their pasts. Mika seemed somewhat accustomed to her normal being considered pretty weird, so she usually took the revelations in stride better than Beth did. Beth wouldn't find out for at least a year after meeting her that it was because of her Asperger's, since it was a topic Mika seemed quite sensitive about.

Mika explained it once, in a conversation full of long pauses on her part and watching the typing icon disappear and reappear on Beth’s. The way she put it, it just meant that her brain worked a bit differently than most people's, processing sounds and sights and all the information it took in at different speeds and with different emphases. The difference could turn everyday things like the sound of a refrigerator running into a splitting headache, or something as simple as the soft texture of her favorite jacket into a kind of bliss. That alternative way of processing also extended to things like words and emotions as well. Sometimes, it took her longer than the world was willing to wait to process them into something that made sense. It often made communication tricky, trying to compensate for the gap in mutual understanding with most people. The world and the people in it could be so overwhelming sometimes, so fast and bright and full of noise and uncertainty and bewilderingly arbitrary social conventions. But the biggest challenge was other people expecting her to do everything the same way they did, ignorant of the fact there were any ways to exist other than their own, and completely oblivious to the fact that she was already putting in at least twice as much effort to communicate with them as they were with her.

And yet, even coming from such a different perspective, Mika gets it. Beth says sometimes i dream of drowning and its not a nightmare and i wake up not knowing how to feel, and Mika says I still dream of burning and wake up not knowing which fires are real, and they both say yeah. And they sit there across the world from each other knowing these things, knowing that it doesn't fix anything. And yet, it does change something. Nothing's any better, really. But somehow, the knowledge that someone else understands makes it a little easier to bear.

And that's just it. Somehow, without ever even having seen her face, Mika sees Beth clearer than anyone. All of her, all the ugly parts she hides so that they can't hurt anyone, and all the good parts that she also hides so that nobody can hurt them or take them away from her. Mika sees all of that and then just tells Beth another story about the Northern Lights she sees on the regular. Apparently, in Finnish, they’re called "fox fires." Beth hardly ever sees the aurora, living relatively far south in a bright city. But her stories about life in the metropolis by the lake intrigue Mika as much as the tales of the twisting green lights do her. And Beth can talk about something lighter again while not having to pretend that the heaviness isn’t there, too, even while she’s just once more trying and failing to explain poutine. For her, the weight never really goes away. But the effort of pretending she’s not carrying it takes more out of her than the weight itself. Mika understands that.

Maybe that’s why Beth had talked it over with Mika first, even before her mom, when she was considering taking a gap year after she hopefully managed to finish her senior year of high school. (God, it was so hard to think about English or math or whatever when just that morning she’d woken from a nightmare about being back in a not-home house that she never escaped.) Beth's mom had been so unbelievably supportive of Beth's recovery, even while she herself was adjusting to the wrenching change in both of their lives. It was both inspiring and a little intimidating. If her mom managed to run a household and raise a daughter all on her own, even while trying to heal from her own trauma, how could Beth not do her utmost, too? She was grateful to be able to talk to Mika about it, to get a reality check from someone who both understood her situation intimately and didn't make Beth feel that pressure of expectation. In the end, Beth did decide to take a year or two off before considering college, and her mom was again nothing if not supportive. Beth figured, after this entire mess, she deserved some time to herself to work on sorting her shit out, and her mom agreed.

After graduating with reasonable if not flying colors, Beth worked a series of part-time and odd jobs that didn't stress her out too much, letting herself focus on her own healing. In between her mom's support, seeing a counselor regularly, and the security of having a friend she could really trust, Beth felt like she was making progress. Slow progress, sure, but progress, nonetheless. Considering that she had seventeen years' worth of lies to unbelieve and emotional trauma to finally acknowledge, Beth figured that there was only so much she could do in the three years she'd had.

Her days were still hard. Getting sleep and waking up and eating and even just existing were still so fucking hard sometimes, and it was horrible. Some days, the thinnest sheet trapped her in bed like it was a car pinning her down. It felt so stupid for such simple things to be so hard. But then her therapist would remind her that that’s what mental illness and trauma was, that this was what the wounds in her mind and heart made her feel like. And once in awhile, sun broke through the shadows, and she had a day that reminded her what an okay day felt like – that okay days existed. That more might.

Now, she’s here, lying in a bright living room so far from home, with her dearest friend in the next room. She’s comfortable, except for the knot in her neck from sleeping oddly on the couch. The soreness pales in comparison to the usual tensions that are so strangely absent. Beth can’t remember the last time she felt this okay. She’s not steeling herself to go to work. She’s not dreading the next conversation with her mother that goes quiet as they both remember awful things they don’t mention. She’s not bracing herself for the next time her brain runs rampant worrying about whether she’ll run into the subject of her restraining order somewhere in the city and have to wonder if he'll honor it.

None of that reaches her here. There’s something about this quiet little pocket of space. It’s overrun with a proliferation of potted plants, from the sprawling lacy-leafed monster in the corner, to the fern peeping out of the kitchen, to the vine cuttings spilling out of an oddly familiar leaf-shaped glass bottle on the sill. Sunlight streaks through leaves and windowpanes and across the colorful patchwork of rugs on the floor. In the midst of it all, Beth is held by a palpable aura of gentleness. It holds her so softly that she doesn't need to hold herself in. It's like the layer of caution that she always keeps wrapped between herself and the rest of the world has simply dissolved away. In this moment suspended in morning light, she is okay.

She feels safe.

The realization undoes something in her. She feels the tears starting, and she expects the taut tension of involuntary stifling that always comes with them to return. But it doesn’t. She lies still and soft on the couch with the water creeping over her cheeks, breath occasionally catching but flowing freely. She savors it in the quiet.

The soft thunk of an ill-fitted door opening breaks into her odd reverie. Mika’s up. Beth sniffs and scrubs at her eyes halfheartedly, but she can’t hide them right now and she doesn’t want to. Mika notices immediately, and comes trotting over with quiet steps, leaning forward all concern.

"Beth," she says softly. She shifts from foot to foot like a nervous cat, watching Beth with enormous eyes. Beth has never met anyone else with such an intense stare. Or maybe it's just the fact that Beth knows beyond all doubt that she's being looked at by somebody who really sees her in her entirety. It's like she's staring right into Beth's soul. But Mika was able to do that long before they saw each others' faces. They've shared so many thousands of words over screens and seas, so many emotions that have gone otherwise unspoken, so many too-early mornings and too-late nights on the fringes of each other's dawns and dusks.

“What’s wrong?”

Finally, a flash of that sick tension runs through Beth’s body. It’s been okay when Mika has asked that before, when it was just silent letters on a screen. But out loud, the question falls on her ears like every well-meaning inquiry she’s ever had to scramble to find an acceptable answer for. The strain begins to cinch tight around her again like coarse ropes across barely-healed skin, ready to compel her to replace the truth with something safer. Her arms and legs tied, she begins to freeze, railing against herself for tainting the softness, the safety of this place.

"Beth." Mika says again, softer but more urgent.

In the gap between thoughts created by hearing her name, Beth seizes the chance to redirect them to the present. She clings to the welling in the corners of her eyes, the warmth of the sun caressing her back. The leaves of trees whisper outside the third-floor window in a mild breeze. The brightness spills over the sill and across Mika’s asymmetrical, half-craggy face and lights up tufts of her short hair as she steps closer. The couch dips as Mika sits down next to her, tilting Beth toward her.

Without meeting her eyes, Mika lifts a hesitant hand that hovers in the air between them, uncertain yet reaching. Her gentle palm falls onto Beth's forearm as softly as a floating leaf. The fingers curl around Beth’s arm just below the wrist, firm but not tight. Comforting.

The softness surrounding Beth seeps back into her, saturating her. As the memory fades like a ripple into water, the tension slackens. But it leaves her shaky, with traces of a familiar ache in her neck muscles, one that goes deeper than the simple stiffness from the couch. She sucks in a few unsteady breaths while Mika gives her arm a gentle squeeze.

“Sorry,” Beth says in a small, awkward voice.

Mika tilts her head. “Why?”

“Uh, I didn’t mean to bring all – this mess, in here.” Beth rubs the back of her neck with her free hand. “It’s so... soft, and okay, and – I don’t wanna ruin it,” she says, trailing off into a mumble.

“Hey.” Mika moves her hand from Beth’s arm to her shoulder. When Beth looks at her, she’s looking right back. Mika's eyes dart down to the floor for a moment, but then return to hold Beth’s with deliberate steadiness. “It’s alright. It’s like this here because we wanted it to be safe to be messy. You’re not ruining anything.”

“... Oh.” She’s steadied by Mika’s fingers curling around her shoulder, by the tendrils of sunlight spreading across her head and back and arms. Mika’s voice is small but steady, and somehow it comes from the same throat that makes that huge pealing laugh. It’s so strange how they sound nothing alike. Until yesterday, Beth hadn’t heard her voice since the lutefisk incident. They’d mostly kept to text and pictures. It had seemed easier, the way it gave them both plenty time to think before they spoke through their different uncertainties. Beth was already planning her trip before they realized that they’d never actually called each other. By that point, it sounded like more fun to meet in person the old-fashioned way.

"I'll make you some tea." Mika abruptly stands and lets go of her. Beth is sad to lose the contact. She flits across the room toward the kitchen in her soft cotton pajama pants, complemented by yet another black graphic tee for yet another Scandinavian metal band Beth's never heard of. Or at least, she'd never heard of them before Mika, who has something to say about all of them, and now Beth knows more than she'll ever need to.

Mika moves in and out of view behind the half-wall that separates the little living room from the kitchen. The fronds of the fern on the counter make a green rustling as she brushes by them. It sends soft feathered shadows waving across the wall opposite the window. Beth hears the rush of water boiling out of sight, and soon sees steam rising from the mug that's being handed to her.

"It's hot," Mika says unnecessarily. She sits down next to her again, this time leaning into Beth with her arm. Beth’s glad for it.

"Have you ditched the bags and gone loose leaf?" Beth says, eyeing the fragments of bright green leaf free floating in her mug.

"It didn't come in a bag. It came from the window."

"The window?"

"It's basil tea. For the fear and pain. Five large fresh leaves in two hundred and fifty milliliters water. We grew it here."

Beth takes a cautious sip. It's surprisingly sweet, and the savory smell of the steam rising from it curls into her sinuses. The aching in her head and neck begin to relax. It's unfamiliar, but it feels like home should, just like everything else here.

"Thanks," Beth says. On an impulse of craving closeness, she leans her head onto Mika's shoulder with a sigh. The sensation of contact deepens as Mika leans against her, too.

Beth holds the cup close, fingers wrapping around its warmth. She takes another sip and gets a bit of leaf stuck in her teeth. The way she scrunches up her face trying to dislodge it pulls a tiny laugh out of Mika.

“You don’t have to be okay here,” Mika whispers. “You can just be. That’s what we do.”

Beth finds her eyes wet again, but she smiles while she sets her mug down and wipes them away. “Kinda already wish I could stay here,” she says with a chuckle.

“... That’s probably not impossible.”

“Really?” Beth asks wryly. “Not even twenty-four hours, and you’d already be willing to put up with me?”

“Twenty-four hours and twenty-seven months.”

Beth melts a little even while waving the idea aside. “I wasn’t serious.”

“I know, but... weren’t you looking at the school here?”

“I mean, yeah, but... really, my mom just thought I deserved a break to get away for a little while. She’d saved up a bit, and I didn’t want to make it a big deal or anything, but she really wanted me to. She knew I wanted to come see you. Checking out the school was mostly an excuse. I know it’s a great place, but... I don’t really think it’ll help with what I wanna do.”

“What do you want to do?”

Beth sighs and leans back, looking at the ceiling. Mika follows her so that they’re still shoulder to shoulder, and pulls her feet up to tuck them in cross-legged.

She flounders for a moment, trying to find where to begin. She hasn’t told anyone this yet.

“This Leda crap has been kind of awful, right? It’s screwed so many of us up. But there’s only, what, a few hundred of us? And that’s not the only reason things get messed up.” She swallows. Her eyes trace irregularities in the ceiling: a knot in an exposed wooden beam here, a sealed and repainted crack there. “Kids like me are a dime a dozen. There’s so many people out there going through hell, just because they got stuck with people who are hurting so much that they hurt other people. And then they go on and hurt more people. It’s a cycle that’s really fucking hard to break.”

Breaths that have become harsh force her to pause and let them lengthen again. A touch on her knee draws her eyes down to a hand resting on it palm up, offering. Beth takes it. Mika squeezes her fingers in reassurance.

“When I was little, I wanted to be a cop like my dad, did you know that?” Mika, eyes wide, shakes her head. “Yeah. That was always my plan. I used to think he was so brave. Wanted to be just like him.” She shudders. Mika grips her hand, steady. “Even if I could do it better than he did, the system is still full of people like him. It’s broken. I couldn’t – I can’t end up like that. I can’t keep being a part of this shit. I want to actually help people.

“I never thought about it before I met you, but the people you brought in to do therapy programs and all for CYGNet? They’re amazing. The stuff I’ve gotten from them has helped me so much. And I don’t know what I’d do without my regular therapist. These people really help people like me. Like all of us. Those are the kind of people I wanna be like.”

Beth’s voice drops and becomes small and secretive, but firm. “I’ve been looking at the social work programs at home. There’s some really good ones at the uni near where mom and I live now. And that’s the city where I grew up. I know how things work there. I know it won’t be easy, but. I could really... do stuff.”

Silence stretches. Beth looks at Mika, only to be completely thrown off by an expression she can’t make heads or tails of. “What?”

Mika’s face is blank yet soft, only barely hinting at her thoughts in the faintest crinkling of her eyes. It’s funny, how quiet her face is most of the time. Beth never would have guessed, going off her online impressions of her. Mika’s so expressive and eloquent with her written words. In person, she is much more subtle. But even after only a day spent around her, Beth is already starting to see how her movements speak volumes in a language of their own. The flickering of her hands flares to life with excitement. The casual shake of her head tosses her hair out of her eyes even when it’s not in the way, like she’s clearing the slate of her mind. And much like Beth these days, she goes very still and tense when she’s getting uncomfortable or overwhelmed, the way she did after a particularly loud whistle at the train station. It shows in her shoulders. They’re soft now though, and she just watches Beth and squeezes her hand once more.

“You’re really amazing, you know,” Mika says.

“Wh- huh?”

“Well.” She looks away and turns their hands over, but doesn’t let go. “After the awful things you’ve been through – nnnh! Don’t pretend,” she says, looking back sharply as Beth begins to protest that she didn’t have it that bad. Mika knows her so well. Beth can’t help but laugh a little. “After all that, you just want to help people. All I ever want to do is get away from them, most of the time.”

Beth quirks a brow at her with a bemused grin. “Really? Because setting up and running an organization that provides mental health resources and extremely important information to a few hundred people is a really shit way to not help people.”

“I never talk to most of them! And CYGNet only has one hundred and thirteen members, not hundreds.”

Beth rolls her eyes with an exaggerated motion. “Yeah, so, you’ve somehow convinced, what, a whole freaking third of a huge group of scared strangers to trust you?”

“A lot of that was Niki and the press team, she’s way better at talking to people th–”

“And you’ve been careful enough and clever enough to keep them and all the information you got from DYAD safe and secure? I can’t even imagine the organization and, and cyber-security and whatever the hell else you put into all this. That you still put in. And look what you’ve done. You’re helping so many people. You found something only you could do, and do it really damn well.”

Mika looks down into her lap, half her face flushed. The raised ridges and swirls of the scarred side are pink, but not as dark. Her shoulders curl in a little, but she doesn’t pull her hand away from Beth’s. If anything, she holds on a little tighter.

“You don’t have to like talking to people to help them. You don’t have to be someone you’re not,” Beth says gently, then pauses as a new thought occurs to her. “Why did you talk to me?”

Mika gives a tiny shrug, eyes still downcast. “You reached out to me. Most people are scared, or suspicious, or hard to talk to, but you were just... honest. You told me exactly what you needed, even if that meant sharing your painful secrets with a stranger. I...” She trails off, looking toward the closed door of Niki’s bedroom. She blinks slowly.

“It reminded me of something Niki said a long time ago. When we first met. We didn’t trust each other at first. But when things got bad, we needed to, and she just... We’d only known each other for a day. She told me a true story that people had called her crazy for, and trusted me to believe her. And when I told her about... my Asperger’s, about being autistic, she just told me something about herself, too, another thing that a lot of people get cruel about when they know. This was back before she came out, too. She was hardly out to herself, then, really. But she told me anyway. ‘Secret for a secret,’ she said.”

“She’s really special to you.” It’s not a question. How could it be, with the sheer softness of love rounding out every syllable and making Mika melt into the couch and into Beth’s shoulder.

“She’s... yes. She’s my family.” Mika looks out the window, and the bright light dances over her nose. “I don’t remember ever having one.”

Beth slings an arm around Mika’s shoulders and smiles as she curls closer into Beth’s side. “Looks like you’re part of a pretty big one, now,” she says, waving a hand at the dozens of photos on the walls circling them.

“I guess so.”

“No need to guess. The evidence is right there. And I’m right here.”

Mika turns those huge eyes on her again. She’s done that multiple times now, even though Beth knows she rarely looks people in the eye. Eye contact is too much, most of the time. She describes it as too intense, too distracting, too intimate. Meeting those eyes – so like Beth’s own, but filled with such a different kind of light – Beth thinks she understands a glimmer of it. If every eye she met were as overwhelmingly expressive as Mika’s, Beth probably wouldn’t meet them all either. It keeps taking her by surprise, coming across their eloquence in an otherwise quiet face. Caught by that gaze, every emotion that lives in it touches Beth. Right now, it’s soft with adoration but shaded with a gradient of doubt. The width and depth of Mika’s eyes reveal a clear view of a vulnerable, aching, healing heart that spent eleven years starving for the love it needs and still hasn’t forgotten the famine.

It might be breaking Beth’s heart. No wonder Niki is always showering her with hugs and kind words and gentle hands on rounded shoulders. Maybe one of these days, Mika will have spent long enough finally getting to soak up all that affection that she won’t look at Beth like this when she says the simple truth.

“Hey. Here I am. Really.” Beth’s voice is a little choked up. She pulls Mika into a proper hug with both arms. Mika squeaks in surprise at being squeezed so emphatically, but returns it all the same. God, but she gives the best hugs of anyone Beth’s ever met. All contact and even, firm pressure and steadiness. “It’s so damn good to see you. I can’t believe you’re...” real, Beth thinks but doesn’t say. I can’t believe I didn’t imagine you. I can’t believe you’re just as kind as your words. I can’t believe how good it feels to be around you. “I can’t believe I’m really here.”

Mika doesn’t say anything. For a moment, one of her hands leaves Beth’s back to fiddle with something, then comes back to give her a little squeeze that Beth returns.

Beth’s phone buzzes a notification behind her on the little glass-top table next to the couch. The table’s wooden base is a round blob carved into the shape of a very fluffy and very ugly sheep with curly horns. Beth’s arms loosen from their embrace as she turns to look at it, bemused. No one but Mika really messages her except for her mom. But if it’s morning here, it’s about time for bed at home. She checks it, just to be sure she’s okay.

But it’s not from her mom.

Mika reaches out to gently grasp her forearm again as Beth shoots her a quizzical look and opens the message.

3mika: I'm glad you're here.

Beth's heart quails.

To think, that her darker days might have kept her from ever being in this moment. Beth might never have gotten to this point, hurt but healing and here. Here, she's seven time zones and an ocean away from the cycle of pain she grew up in, barely aware she needed to escape. She might well feel safer right here in this crossroads of time and place than she has at any other in her entire life. It's a realization that's as humbling as it is nourishing.

Already, the distance this journey has taken her has given her so much perspective. She wasn’t sure, before, whether the work she’s been considering was just a response to what she’s been through – or just a way for the cycle to keep her within its spiral. But she’s seen what Mika can do, what Beth could do one day, if she keeps on.

It won’t be easy. She’ll go back, and deep-seated memories will try to drag her back into small dark places. But being here, even for only a few hours, has already changed her. She can change, and she can grow, and she is already tapping into new strengths that her past has yet to reckon with. She is here, right now, in spite of all of it. And today is not a dark day.

“Me too, Mika. I’m glad to be here, too.” Beth’s tongue stumbles over the name, because she’s never said it out loud before, only read it on a screen.

Surprise sends Mika’s eyebrows up and her eyes wide again, like she’s never heard it before, either. Maybe she hasn’t. She tilts her head again like a question, touching her ear and looking at Beth.

Beth grins. “Mika.” A smile blooms on that curious face, lighting it up. She’s the one who pulls Beth into a hug this time, and it’s both fierce and soft. When she lets go, she leans into Beth’s side again and they stay like that, arms over shoulders and comfortably curled up together, soaking in the warmth of each other’s presence like leaves drink in light. The simple sweetness and companionship of it soothes Beth’s heart, seeking its way into the aching crevices. It’s an odd feeling, both seeping inward and flowing outward, trickling all the way through her until it warms her cold toes in a way that feels both new and strangely familiar.

A long, sleepy yawn announces that Niki’s awake now, too. Soon, she comes out of her room stretching her arms over her head. Mika reaches a hand out toward her to wave in greeting, though she leaves the other arm draped over Beth’s shoulders. Niki smiles at them. That kind smile, too, adds to the warmth washing through Beth. Her feet practically itch with it, and with a growing sensation of déja vu. She fidgets her toes against the floor as Niki walks over to brush Mika’s outstretched hand like a touchstone.

“How'd you sleep? Isn’t that couch the comfiest?” she says to Beth.

“Well, I’ve got a crick in my neck, but I still slept better than I have in years.”

Niki turns her sunny smile on Beth. “Good to hear it. Weird, though, I nap there all the time and my neck’s always fine. Huh. Anyway, I think I might make waffles. You two want some breakfast?”

Mika nods, but doesn’t let go of Beth yet. Beth is lost in thought, trying to remember what that light, floating feeling in her feet reminds her of.

“Sweet.” Niki ambles toward the kitchen and bends down with pursed lips to peer at the fern perched on the counter. “Hmm. You still look a little pale. Let’s get you some more sun.” She brings the plant over to the living room and is fussing over settling it on the sheep table when it clicks for Beth. A physical memory washes over her, for once welcome. She lets it fill her, refreshing like a deep breath of cold morning air her lungs are suddenly hungry for. She flexes her calves and ankles, her legs remembering the joy and freedom of stride and strike. Her bones are finally recalling how they once carried her with ease, even while they're adjusting to the new weight of who she's become. Fully alive again for at least this moment, her soles are practically prickling with the desire to eat up ground.

“How about you, Beth? Do you like waffles?” Niki asks, fluffing the fern’s crinkly green leaves. Mika squeezes her shoulder.

Beth grins and plants steady feet on the blue rug in front of the couch. “Save a few for me? I think I might actually go for a run first.”

#orphan black #clone club #veera suominen #beth childs #niki lintula #mk ob #mika ob #herbs on the windowsill au #lizzie taking up space #lizzie's adventures in writing #welcome back yall #long post #fic #ob fic #that a garden will grow

6 notes · View notes

infyay · 6 years

Text

Tired and angry

This is probably the most personal, honest and emotional ive ever gotten on tumblr...

Everything was going so good (considering the situation) and then a stupid ass stubborn ruse nurse (all the other nurses here are amazing btw) didnt stop moving my leg even tho i yelled at her to stop and there was a painfull movement in my hip. It was more painfull the following two days but started to get better. I mentioned it to a doctor who wanted me to do an x-ray.

Since ive had so many horrible experiences with radiologists i asked a nurse a trust alot to join me. She told the radiologists very clearly that i was super brittle and my hip was very easily dislocated. She also said that i was gonna be the boss and noone was going to do anything before askin/informing me. I turned to her to give her my phone, and as i did a fucking twat decided to start lifting the bed sheet... where my leg was... and by doing that putting my leg in a «forbidden» possition, causing extreme pain.

I was sent back to my room, drugged down af and we put on my legbrace (whitch keeps my hip locked in the optimal possition) went back to another radiologist team and successfully and without injury took the pictures.

Today i was rold that my hip is again completely dislocated and theres a big chance thats ruined the tissues around the hip that they fixed during surgery. Ive been in bed all day today with a dislocated hip (would not recomend) and pray that they will have the capacity to relocate (is that the word?) it tomorrow.

The shittiest part is that this might mean that its probable that i’ll have to remove the femur head whitch will leave me unable to put any weight on my leg. Normally they would just replace the femur head with a prostetic, but my skeleton is too fragile for screws.

I think the part that angers me the most is that ive done everything right. Ive tried my hardest to make it clear for nurses and radiologists how carefull they have to be. Ive done so much work out on my hip muscles to lessen the chance it dislocating. Ive trusted the doctos telling me to try walking with my foot faces forwards and not to the right, and now i am told that having it to the right was the best thing i couldve done for my hip. Ive been super carefull my entire life to try and aviod getting injured in a way that would take away my ability to walk.

I dont believe the «you get what you deserve» bullshit and i know the world is unfair... but i am so fucking bitter. I dont fucking deserve this, and i am so angry at how fucking unfair it is. Just the last five years ive had back pains so severe that i vomited, cronic daily headache (for 6 years) that turned into cronic daily migraines for 10 months straight, been on medication that slowed down my metabolism to an extreme whitch left me so fatigued i wasnt able to do anything other than school and sleep, severe tendonitis(?) in both arms and shoulders for two years (bc of misinformation from doctors), ive had severe IBS for 1,5 years now after a food poisoning, ive dealt with my hip randomly dislocating for my entire life, and all this on top of all the things that comes with brittle bone desease (osteogenesis imperfecta). I am so fucking tired. I am so tired of constantly trying to fight my body so much and still having to do as good as anyone else who doesnt have a single fucking health problem. I just wanna be a normal 21 year old who can think about «normal» 21 year old things and not «will i ever be able to walk again?».

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jayvii-blog1 · 6 years

Photo

Today we had the second doctor’s appointment I am starting to get more relaxed in this new world we are both traveling. The doctor is awesome she makes it all super relaxing hell today she even wore her comfy clothes. Here are some notes from the appointment today:

KaiNeKvrsun notes 143 lbs KaiNeKvrsun: ok lets get vitals KaiNeKvrsun notes 120/78 JuelzDior watches the machine and the numbers KaiNeKvrsun checks pulse KaiNeKvrsun: i loooooved your tumblr btw KaiNeKvrsun: i blushed so hard JuelzDior: it has been fun creating the blog of this experience JuelzDior: we had to share it with you KaiNeKvrsun: i showed my gf like bae loooooook KaiNeKvrsun: lol JuelzDior: awwe KaiNeKvrsun notes 80 bpm

KaiNeKvrsun: i would like to get a listen at your lungs of thats ok

JuelzDior: yes of course

KaiNeKvrsun: ok aweome

KaiNeKvrsun: this table right here

KaiNeKvrsun grabs stethoscope

KaiNeKvrsun rubs it over your back locating your left lung

KaiNeKvrsun: deep breath for me

JuelzDior breathes in deeply

KaiNeKvrsun: ok and exhale

JuelzDior exhales as directed KaiNeKvrsun moves to right lung KaiNeKvrsun: inhale please JuelzDior inhales as directed KaiNeKvrsun: aaand exhale JuelzDior exhales once more KaiNeKvrsun: perfect KaiNeKvrsun puts scope on your heart and listens

KaiNeKvrsun: ok perfect KaiNeKvrsun: great news KaiNeKvrsun: we can actually take a look at the baby(ies) KaiNeKvrsun: i know you want it to be a surprise so the way ill do it is JuelzDior: oh wow really?

KaiNeKvrsun: ill switch up from the single sonogram to the twin jus to keep you wondering KaiNeKvrsun: lol JuelzDior: oh wow lool JuelzDior: ok KaiNeKvrsun: you can both follow me KaiNeKvrsun: let me wash my hands KaiNeKvrsun washes hands and puts on gloves

JuelzDior wiggles toes while anxiously wondering what to expect KaiNeKvrsun: ill need to lift your shirt a bit more KaiNeKvrsun: and just so you know this gel is cold KaiNeKvrsun: i hate it but its necessary JuelzDior pulls my shirt up higher and relaxes

KaiNeKvrsun applies gel to your belly and grabs transducer KaiNeKvrsun: are you excited? JuelzDior: im a little nervous JayvionDior peeks over and goes back to my phone recording the appointment KaiNeKvrsun rolls transducer around your tummy and zooms in

JuelzDior lowers eyes as her hormones had her thinking Jay was not paying attention or on Facebook KaiNeKvrsun: i know its a bit hard to see but tht there is a baby

JuelzDior looks at the image and waves "hi baby" KaiNeKvrsun: its kind of looks like a smidget tadpole KaiNeKvrsun: but the cutest one i ever seen KaiNeKvrsun: lol JayvionDior: loll JuelzDior: Tadpole Dior

JayvionDior: is there only one tadpole? KaiNeKvrsun: here at month 2 your baby has already began to develope its heart spinal cord muscles brain and bones KaiNeKvrsun: you sure you wanna know JuelzDior: is it a girl brain? KaiNeKvrsun: i cant tell you lol KaiNeKvrsun: i made a promise to 2 wonderful people KaiNeKvrsun: lol JuelzDior palms face "ok we can wait"

KaiNeKvrsun: now your placenta and amniotic sac are still forming along with the baby so itll still move around quite easy KaiNeKvrsun: you wont feel it dont worry JuelzDior: can i ask how long will my nipples be so sore? KaiNeKvrsun: the umbilical cord had formed also and connected to the baby for the supply of blood and food KaiNeKvrsun: its just the beginning love KaiNeKvrsun: but they wont be so tender around trimester 2 JuelzDior: ughh that sounds like awhile lool KaiNeKvrsun: but then much more tender around trimester 3

KaiNeKvrsun: now you cant see bc of how small he/she/they are KaiNeKvrsun: but the eyes and limbs are also starting to form

KaiNeKvrsun: and the little one is about the size of a bebe pellet KaiNeKvrsun: very very small JuelzDior sends kisses to the screen KaiNeKvrsun: we can only see this much thanks to zoom KaiNeKvrsun: lol

KaiNeKvrsun: good pictures come at 4 months when i typically do the gender reveal JayvionDior: can't wait JayvionDior: she is carrying 8 babies in there loll KaiNeKvrsun: lmbo KaiNeKvrsun: oh i sure hope not JuelzDior glares at JAyvii KaiNeKvrsun: shes gonna try to kill us both JuelzDior: you gonna be a Zaddy seeking a new home KaiNeKvrsun: lol KaiNeKvrsun: z JuelzDior: with a rehoming fee KaiNeKvrsun: lawd

KaiNeKvrsun grabs radar and rolls it on your tummy seeking a hb KaiNeKvrsun: is your sound on JayvionDior: yes KaiNeKvrsun: it may be very faint so listen carefully JuelzDior: yes they are KaiNeKvrsun: ok listen carefully JayvionDior: wow JayvionDior: time to listen JayvionDior: yay KaiNeKvrsun: hb JuelzDior: oooooooooooooooooooooooo JayvionDior: there it goes JuelzDior: i hear ittttttttttt JayvionDior: you hear it JuelzDior: hiiiiiiiiiiiii my tadpole's heart

KaiNeKvrsun cleans off radar and wipes off your belly KaiNeKvrsunKaiNeKvrsun Whisper: how are you feeling a far as your nausea JuelzDior: i would like for someone else to have it JuelzDior: im over that KaiNeKvrsun: lol trust me i understand

KaiNeKvrsun Whisper: itll tone down a bit after trimester 2 as well JuelzDior: its hard out here with a pregnant belly KaiNeKvrsun: yes maam it is KaiNeKvrsun takes off gloves and grabs prescription pad

KaiNeKvrsun: im gonna write you a prescription for zofran KaiNeKvrsun: you dont need water to take it KaiNeKvrsun: just place it under your tongue and let it dissolve JuelzDior: ok dr thank you KaiNeKvrsun: it pretty much works instantly KaiNeKvrsun: but before taking that try a little lime or lime water its very good for it as well JuelzDior: i will try the lime water because my facebook support group said try ginerale and it was too strong JuelzDior: way too much carbonation KaiNeKvrsun: yes i typically dont recommend it JuelzDior: ah ok KaiNeKvrsun: lime can be harsh if you have too many but maybe one freshly squeezed lime inside an average cup of water can do the trick JuelzDior taps the information on her phone under notes about baby JuelzDior: thank you dr this will surely be helpful KaiNeKvrsun: i love that you take notes KaiNeKvrsun: lol JuelzDior: of course it will be on the blog later JuelzDior: lool KaiNeKvrsun: so many women are clueless even with all the information i give KaiNeKvrsun: lol ooo i cant wait to see

KaiNeKvrsun hands you your shoes KaiNeKvrsun: ok my favorite part KaiNeKvrsun: hit me with the uestions KaiNeKvrsun: questions* JuelzDior: no questions at the moment i am so ready to go furniture shopping JuelzDior grabs keys "come on baeeeeeeeeeeeee lets go to kids r us or target" KaiNeKvrsun: lol KaiNeKvrsun: dont drag him too far lol KaiNeKvrsun: i know i went overboard the other day JuelzDior: ty dr so next weeks appointment will resume on thursday correct? JuelzDior: and i need you to relax you have a bundle baking KaiNeKvrsun: yes maam normal time

JuelzDior: see you in 2018 KaiNeKvrsun: happy new years and have the best night ever! JuelzDior: thank you KaiNeKvrsun: goodnight mr dior JayvionDior: good night and Happy New Year

#the-life-of-a-tiny-pudgy-unicorn

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sikereviewdotcom · 4 years

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magic school bus - flexes its muscles (s1e15) review

ok so i wasnt sure what id watch today i had to find something just to chill and review but honestly watching this show was a terrible idea i mean it

it was the most boring watch ive had and not because its bad but if youre over 8 honestly it is

w/e i watched it and im gonna review the hell out of this as i always do lets begin with why the 15th episode of the first season? very simple: the title, a natural basic choice "flexes its muscles" we all can see in our mind a flashback on a certain song concerning muscles and trucks as the title flashes on the screen oh yea mama i feel very at ease rn like timmy sitting in front of his tv a good old tuesday morning before school with that lil bowl of cereal except timmy is mute and makes up all they say on the shows so everything is his own he stole the rights from the voice actors and the plot along its cartoons (c) timmy now boys

so wats it about? ralphie being a loser as always, actually ive never watched any other episode but the tone he talks in gives him the loser etiquette after all he does throw a tantrum when his robot didnt work for the second time theyre all stupid, all of these characters are stupid and i have no idea how old they are anyhow yea ralph wanna have a robot to do his chores because everyone else is having fun while he has to do them because hes often late or w/e something like that now from now on we either side with the bitch girl

or the fat boy

thats probably how she qualifies him but yea you have to make a choice because there will be some serious competition: theyre betting because after ralphie runs to everyone shouting about making a robot she goes all "haha you cant do it, stupid" and quite a few other especially that one lil blue sweatered guy jesus hes bad yea like even the old guy from after that will be all "nah" at his bully-joke except he aint a bully, none of them are now why is she a bitch? because she said if he loses the bet he cannot play any sport game anymore and only do the chores wtf how does she even have that kind of authority? how old are they? no shes just a classmate, ralph dont be a pushover now well he isnt because he goes all "haha fuck you itll work im THE GREAT FUCKING RALPHIE AND MY 40 THIEVES-BOT" > “full of himself” is the exact word to describe him

so after that teachah goes all "hey sup lol ive totally not heard you but lets all go inside the bus we have a full day!! wow!! im totally not gonna drive yall to a shop in which you can build a robot as i distract the grandpa ive been flirting with for years but let hanging on for decades waiting for his soon-to-be death when obvs hes all over me and im all over him but its a kid show and im not sure the public is ready for our intense wacky elderly passionate tension, nope nothing pegi 16 not even close its pg 13 actually but you wouldnt be allowed to watch the show then because if youre over 13 youre probably not gonna watch anymore of this, babies cant handle our hot old romcom nah" so yea theyre in a workbodyshop smthg next

this episode really revolves around the body and its structure, in the most basic way you have no idea how basic it went its the basics of basicness like the bases of every bases i havent learned anything and even if i were 8 i still wouldnt not have learned anything its probably a 6 yo focused show idk guys i was really questionned either id give it a final shot but yea, still it sucked, but i understand for a 6yo they may pick up the fact that they have bones and muscles and wow thats how you move now ill say the cybernetic aspect of how they build a robot is pretty weak, no explanations as to how the robot suddenly moves because ok you got the joints, structure and everything all figured out but.. what about everything else? what does this robot run on? stupidness? is it? because it goes apeshit

totally unexcepted this is a very basic formula: kids want robot to do chores, kids make it (somehow), robot turns against kids the end: you cant make robots without them turning evil also its the 90s wtf are you on? robots? wow? no brah thats future bs were not doing that anyway meanwhile the teacher was lying and saying the school bus is broken btw just straight up made her grandpacrush work for nothing for a buncha hours but eh look at her

i wouldnt trust her with my child, this face was an artistic choice so it says it all ok? so wassup next? robot be beaten by ralphie ass (who won the bet btw if youre on team bitch im not entirely sorry for you but because picking a team was a bad choice i was team nerd with glasses all along, yknow the ginger one?)

he seemed smarter than the others but also ended up disappointing me, everyone did and yet my exceptations werent high, my standards are pretty high but damn i tried to make an effort for this one, not specially surprising, is it? i guess i really did grow up since i was 6, huh

the end is this btw:

everyone was thinking the same as i did:

"stop flexing, we have no right to flex this episode was so blank the robot got more character development than anyone else"

yep that happened

in conclusion? final rating? this is worth a big 3/10, not suitable for older than 7 y/o thats pretty much the limit really this close to not being entertaining if youre 7yo but chances are they exist, honestly it could be for older peeps but what do i know? i am making a global thing here, just painting the magic board so we can all (majority its a democracy) agree on something the animation is kinda fine slash good for a show in the 90s? ig? and you CAN pick a things up if youre very young or have never been to primary school which is both very unlikely yet also sad if so

in the end: i do not recommand it there is nothing to be seen move along

obama tg, out

#magic school bus #review #cartoon review #sike reviews #my reviews #cartoon

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carrickbender · 7 years

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Hi I'm Geoff, here's 7 because it's Sunday.....

-So this week was a serious mess. We fished on monday, delivered and got ice on Tuesday, did bait up on wednesday, fished thursday....... and that's when I got hurt. Lemme preface this- I'm ok. I'm not missing any essential body parts, and I will be fine. So lemme set the stage- we left at around midnight because my boss was (is) antsy about getting his fish caught before he has heart surgery next month. So he says yeah, we are going to go to (insert place name here) in the AM, I'll pick you up around midnight. Now, the other deckhand and I know how to read the weather map and use weather software, and we know it's going to be borderline miserable/f-ing awful weather in the am, getting worse in the afternoon. We are AK guys, and if we say it's gonna suck, it's not nice for anybody. So fine, get picked up, cast off, do a few chores, NAP, then we get up around 5 to get ready and he says, "I'm sorry guys, I messed up, looks like it's going to blow 35 tomorrow, so it's just today for these fish". We already knew this, and we have him a pep talk because he's such a nice guy, honest about pay, that I hate seeing him get down. Got our gear in the water, and it was getting nasty. Had a bite, relaxed a bit, got the deck ready for the ensuing malay, and started to haul our first set back. And it kept getting worse, but there was gear in the water. So we got it hauled, 1300lbs of beautiful white bellied halibut. So far, so good. As we were in building seas, my boss looks at us and says, "this really is not my style of fishing". 2 thoughts popped into my head- 1. I've fished with him for 6 years, and he always gets the weather wrong a lot. So of course it's his style; and 2. There's thst scene from the hangover 2 where there in the elevator and somebody says, "does everything always end up in a standoff with you Chow?", to which he replies, "of course it does! I'm an international criminal, I met my wife at one of these things!". If only my boss would have see that..... so my injury? Oh yeah, sorry. Remember that bit from wide world of sports, where the announcer says, "and the agony of defeat!", and the skier pretty much kills himself and half of China wiping out a ski jump? So my big ass is pretty stable on deck, but combine being in a 10 ft trough and the deck being slick from herring and other fish oil, and I fell. I tried catching myself, but it did the splits, banging my right knee on the rail and I felt two rips in my thigh muscle and a pop in my lower back. Scarry part? I couldn't get up. I manouvered myself onto the bin boards, sat on top of them, and then I realized I couldn't stand up, and all I could say, and I'm quoting here, was: FUCKSHITASSBALLSPISS, because that's is what you say when you hurt, right? I hobbled like an old man into the cabin, got my raingear off, but I was done for the day(and unbenownst to me, the season). I could barely move. I propped myself up, and thank God my other deck mate is a rock star because I was done. I could barely walk, let alone anything else. They finished hauling gear a bit later, and my boss told me it was some of the worst crap he'd ever fished, but they got it done. And he felt horrible about me pretty much being cut down on deck. We hobbled back to towne, and it was so crappy we couldn't do more than 4 knots because we were pounding into the waves so hard. Got in at 2, and the next day I went to see a doctor. No breaks, but SEVERE sprains, and he put the kibosh on fishing for 2 weeks. Which, I understand. It's sunday, and I can't even bend over to pull up my pants effectively without being in pain. It's going to take time...... - I'm headed back to Washington on Wednesday to get started on getting my summer in order. But most importantly, family stuff. Mom is still ill, but after 2 cancer scares, that has been ruled out. Dad had his heart restarted in a pharmacologically way the other day to try and fix a rhythm issue, and it failed. This was time number 3, so being a retired medical person, he makes a joke about it. "Probably need a new wiring harness, check the points, and make sure the battery terminals are making good contact". My dad, turning cardiology into working on his El Camino. So, I think I need to stick around close this summer. Mom's will be good once she gets the damn puss pocket out(plus she's headed to Canada for the summer), but dad doesn't get this idea of taking it easy. So, one of his offspring has to help where my stepmom cant. - music- I have so much going on here. Too much. All over washington state. That being said, I hate dealing with managers and promoters who are only out for themselves. Why can't the business be kinder to musicians? Oh, and speaking of being kind to one another, how many of this tribe of followers are musicians who have a band shirt? Because I'd love to trade! I'm having some made up when I get back, and would love to swap one of ours for yours! @voxtacular, wanna be the first? - Speaking of music, Chris Cornell......I Honestly dont know what to say. I feel fortunate that I grew up in the northwest where the music known as grunge was "born"(more like sprang forth, like Athena from Zeus). Mind you, I grew up in Spokane, Seattle's developmentally delayed and much more socially conservative sister across the state, so we didn't have many places like the sit and spin, the ok hotel, the crocodile cafe to see soundgarden or mother love bone on any given weekend. But there was one place , the big dipper, that welcomed everybody. My introduction to the big dipper was as a 16 year old kid, whose 17 year old lead singer booked our group, the midnight poets, to a Sunday night gig supporting a group called seeking the elephant. They had this "green room" where all of the musicians hung out before they played, and it was expected that the musicians would sign their names on the walls. Fugazi, mother love bone, and a little seattle band called soundgarden were amongst the ones I remember. My band didn't last, but what did last is the memory of those bands playing a serious dive like the big dipper. Paying dues. As the "seattle sound" got bigger, I got to see Nirvana, Candlebox, Stone Temple pilots, Alice in Chains, The Melvins, Pearl Jam....but I never got to see soundgarden. I put fishing before a life, and I made a poor choice. Because while you can buy stuff, you cannot buy moments. And the number of moments in my life that are attached to either a audioslave, a soundgarden, or a Chris Cornell song are staggering. For A folkie, yeah. So stay tuned for a cover tomorrow. :-) -Speaking of summer, I've been talking to my non blood cousin who is like a little sister and we are planning a meet and greet in Montana this summer with her man and babies (!), her not brother brother (my actual cousin) and his small tribe, and my people. I'm so excited to even start to pull this off. Huckleberries, I'll bring salmon, music, their kids, family.....fingers crossed, I need this. -So because I'm going to be in the close proximity of both of my parents, I'm probs going to wait on a tug job till November to really give it a go. I'm going to do my first bit of necessary school right when I get back, then do flagger training so I can work till everything gets resolved with folks/music stuff gets done, and hopefully, I can come back up for 3 weeks in August to go pink salmon fishing here. Fingers crossed, this summer could be really amaxing..... -But enough of my crap! Seriously, I just want y'all to know that you guys are really great. I love reading about your lives, your triumphs over adversity (because you all are pretty tough and amazing people), your funny stuff, amazing playlists.....and sometimes I go a bit crazy with the hearts, and I'll admit it. But my theory is this- I'd rather you know that somebody appreciates you for who you are, where you are, instead of feeling alone. I've listened to my mom tell me how alone she is for the last month, and I just want y'all to know you are appreciated like bacon and tacos..... and that includes you too @tacosandsweettea (ps-that made her laugh. Hope it did you too!) Take care, and stay tuned!

#Me #this is my life #commercial fishing #deckhand #halibut #singer songwriter #fisherpoet #I hope I didn't make anybody uncomfortable #I don't swear that much #But getting hurt is getting hurt #speaking of stuff #anybody doing the Eclipse thing this summer #I wanna go on a road trip to see that #sexy sexy times in the back of a truck #Ok I'm rambling #Maybe I'm always rambling #roll it on home

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x4f0wrcg-blog · 5 years

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swift car insurance

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare free quotes :CARINSURANCEQUOTESHQ.XYZ

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