#my mental state during this... | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

vodissey · 2 months

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The burden you carry is heavy. You will lead us to destruction.

[Emma Frost sees the visions of horrors through Scott Summers]

#cyclops #scott summers #emma frost #jean grey #dark phoenix #phoenix five #namor #magik #illyana rasputin #Thank you Dune soundtrack #fan art #digital art #marvel comics #marvel #x men comics #x men #my art #my mental state during this...#phoenix force

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redactedcrowart · 5 months

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#this is pretty good if you ignore all the parts that are bad #anyway i hope you like double encryption i'm starting to get into it more <- normal sentence for normal people to say #something something tim begins to distort more the more distressed he gets or some shit idk brother i just work here #i was being forced to watch the room while i drew the majority of this if you want an idea of my mental state during the Artistic Process #my art #art #illustration #marble hornets #marble hornets fanart #mh #tim marble hornets #tim wright #i'm Not tagging all of them that is so much #eyestrain cw

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midoristeashop · 1 year

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A scene that will never exist pt 3

hi so this is kind of a vent and also a therapy piece for me, I have too many emotions atm

But anyway them always them

#ceilings by lizzy mcalpine started playing and I started bawling my eyes out thinking of them #im ok i swear #hijack #jackycup #frostcup #they are my mental state #all over the place #I live laugh loved for the lighting #during that 300 year span jack would sit by the waves just to feel the breeze

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ghostboyhood · 7 months

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strahm suggests "why dont we just scream at them until they kill themselves"

john audibly sighs (at this time he has a heart monitor on him and it spikes so aggressively amanda almost loses her shit) amanda tries to explain that that would be them killing the person and that isnt how they do this but shes so distressed about johns heart rate lawrence has to take over, and he calls strahm a fucking idiot to his face and explains it in that really demeaning doctor voice while adam makes some snarky sarcastic comment making fun of the suggestion and hoffman (who is just constantly always ticked off at specifically adam even if he just walks by him) snaps and slams his fist into a desk or something and screams at adam to shut the fuck up before he fucking kills him

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heymacy · 8 months

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💛

#hello little stars #i've missed you so #wee update on me: i'm actually doing quite well at the moment #things were a little iffy there for a minute but i'm in a very healthy mental space right now #i feel more like myself than i have in a long time #which is a very welcome thing #unfortunately during the process of obtaining said healthy mental state my shameless hyperfixation abruptly broke into pieces #it isn't that i don't still have love for the show - i do - i just don't feel consumed by it anymore #it doesn't occupy the same space in my brain that it once did #instead that space has been opened up to new interests and ideas and hobbies and yes even the occasional new blorbo #and i will not lie to y'all - it feels good #as to the future of this account i think it's going to become less of a fandom blog and more of a whatever-i-feel-like-posting blog #a scrapbook of my interests where i put stickers of shows and movies i like on the page and scribble my most incoherent thoughts #a personal blog if you will #i'm very grateful for the last three years of my life and all the things + people this show brought to me #but it just isn't IT for me anymore - y'know?#anyway #if you've read this far - i love you #i've missed you #come say hi #i promise i don't bite #also a URL change will probably be coming in the near future so if you're like um who the HELL is that?! it's probably me #blessed be my babies #ily very much

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collegeboysam · 10 months

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i feel like a key part of the samdean brainrot process as you watch supernatural for the first time is to also search for videos of the conventions happening at the time each season was airing and watch the insane shit j2 would say and do during panels along with interviews gag reels and so on

#you would have peace in between seasons (sort of) but then motherfucking sunday panels would arrive and it was Over for us #finding out jensen moved from LA to texas for a house right next to jared's so they could hang out during their time off was so dean of him #it forever messed with my mental state #their samdeanness irl messed my brain chemicals #samdean

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blackcurrant-juice · 2 months

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#mental state diary #can art #how many ways can i draw “my head fucking hurts”#idk i will find out in the future #but hmm the meds do make me feel calmer even during anxious situations so thats something #also all are mspaint bullshit except the ones that are obviously not pixelated as fuck

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vita940124 · 4 months

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Doodle lots of Rheneas because who doesn’t want lots of Rheneas

#I want to draw more of him during my vacation #Carrot Rhenni my current mental state #And I'm really not good at drawing things other than Chibi…Yeah…#But at least I’m trying #for the art collabs #Also I gave him some HCs in this pic :)#ttte #ttte humanized #ttte fanart #ttte rheneas #my art

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mercymaker · 3 months

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today was definitely a day™️ but the guests are finally gone, I just had a kiwi and can go roll in bed and watch some tikkie tokkies to unwind

#life #just need to fill my head with silly little videos #so so so tired but also idk #considering my mental and emotional state prior #i actually did so well during the party #still being mostly mute but it is what it is #it's so overwhelming trying to understand this language especially when there are multiple conversations #but yeah nah #it was a good time!!

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suffercerebral · 11 days

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me having gone to bed at 6 am every day for the past week and generally spiraling mentally while rotting in bed waking up this morning: a 4 mile hike in the heat is a really good idea right now, and while we're at it let's start like 3 art projects

#maybe my mom was onto something all these years telling me i'm bipolar #no i don't think i am but i do technically have a bpd diagnosis so like. mood swings up the fucking wazoo are not new #but i am not one to be like 'exercise will fix me'#i've also just come to terms recently with the fact that i didn't kill myself already so might as well start thinking of the long term #so not being in constant pain when im older is something im actually thinking of now #so like. gotta move more which i was doing during this semester! walking like 3 miles a day which didn't help brain but #it's gotta be good for you anyway even if i don't get the endorphins everyone says you get when working out #that's neverrrr been me bc also chronic illness w exercise intolerance #so it's like. wah i have a desire to move my body more and know it's beneficial #but chronic illness + mental illness + trying not to think about exercise in terms of weight loss bc i'm trying not to make that the goal #although certainly wouldn't be mad if that was the result but if i prioritize it over just overall health it's gonna make me obsessive #i'm saying a lot of words. i have no one to really talk to so i once again come to tumblr as a public diary #ANYWAY. trying to find balance with wanting to exercise for overall well-being but dealing with other factors like chronic illness #which has actually been under the most control it's been in years i barely even consider myself (physicslly) disabled these days #and also balancing the fact that while my disordered eating has never recovered and i still have extremely bad relationship with myself #im in a relatively better place with that. i'm not starving myself and im not going through binge/purge cycles #but my relationship with food and eating is still very much unhealthy #and i don't think that will ever really change bc it's so ingrained in the everything about me #i don't really know what i'm talking ahout anymore or what prompted this #i can't simply just say 'i'm gonna go for a hike today' and be normal about. always gotta psycho analyze myself #im in a very weird stage in my life where i feel like i have control over nothing and i barely even exist in my own body #im just like a cacophony of voices trapped inside a meat suit but im not in the drivers seat im stuffed in the trunk and tied up #and the guy driving is an old blind mind who should have lost his license his ass is NOT road safe!#so it's like i have all these ideas and desires and feelings and ahh!! but hey i'm locked up here let me out please #and also the state of the world. so bleak and hopeless and paralyzing that i've just kind of shut my feelings off so i'm rapidly switching #between numbness and overwhelming agony #what the fuck am i talking about

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spurgie-cousin · 2 months

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A friend just threatened to ban my fiance and I from ever seeing her kids again if we choose to ask that the only kids present at our wedding are immediate family and kids in the wedding party. Her kids would be in the wedding party, but because we’d be implying that parents get a sitter, we’re encouraging unsafe parenting and are no longer safe to be around her kids if we go through with this choice.

I want so badly to tell you this is an April Fool’s day joke but this girl is already 1 foot on the tradwife/fundie/doomsday mom track so I’m not surprised yet I’m absolutely dumbfounded at the same time about how she jumped to that conclusion.

oh wow that's a headscratcher tbh, when I first read this I was like "ok well that woman is uniquely crazy" but the more I thought about it, the more it 100% sounds like a trad or fundie move to deem any and all babysitters dangerous and freak out about that.

not gonna lie I'd have no idea what to tell this woman either....... it sounds like she's far enough down the trad pipeline that's she's been convinced her children aren't safe with any person on the planet outside of their immediate family (very statistically untrue sadly) which is giving me like, Karissa Collins vibes. that's a few steps past the raw milk stage I feel.

i'm really trying to think of what I'd say in that situation bc I highly doubt there's any chance of making her be introspective about why she feels that way........ if she's a good friend I'd probably ask her to explain that thinking too me, because I don't understand?

I would also probably say something along the lines of, I'm really sorry you feel that way, but it is not my job to police how every single person I know parents, and I have to do what I need to do for my wedding set up/venue. And if she still feels that way then that's her prerogative as a parent but that's very upsetting for you, obviously.

idk that's a tough one and I'm sorry you have to deal with that. That's a really unfair and shitty position she's put you in.

#i had the exact same arrangement for my wedding and it was purely for numbers reasons #i think if one of my friends would've said that to me in the mental state i was in during my wedding planning i would've snapped lmao #wedding planning already sucks and now you're making your glorified anxiety disorder my problem?????#trad #advice

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phioneplatinum · 2 months

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despite how bad my mental state is lately, it still manages to conjure up funny things

(flashing lights warning!!)

#harmoknight #phione's art funnies #phione's silly meme chaos #dont wanna go too far into the details but #basically i had to cut ties with someone i knew for a long time #and a buncha other bad stuff happened during the week too #my mental state couldnt really handle it and its still recovering #im still like. really stressed #havent been in the mood to get back to drawing either #there are some exceptions though #this is one of them #sorry for all that though #ill probably be back in full swing once i get back into The Mood (tm)#(the mood being me being able to feel like drawing a lot again)#(and just be in a better mood anyhow)

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vitamin-zeeth · 11 months

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Thinking about Kristen Applebees so hard rn. Might go rewatch literally all of freshman year.

#its my year anniversary of d20 fandom #or like it was a week or two ago #maybe this is how i celebrate it #there was a whole period of time when i wasn't caught up on all the intrepid heroes seasons where i would like #whenever i started a new one i would literally not stop fucking watching it until it was over #like i had school and i did not care it was just wake up start watching be in school watching as much as physically possible get home #keep watching stay up til 3am watching and then repeat at 7 the next morning #i internally referred to it as a d20 bender and it was honestly the best #i also did it with acofaf the second time and techinally ive done it with starstruck and sophomore year twice #Shoutout to the time i was watching the fhsy finale during art and had to leave to sit in a bathroom stall to cry #wild times #honestly the best part of school i just destroy my mental state if i do that shit any other time #whoopsie tag essay #d20 #dimension 20 #fantasy high #d20 fantasy high #fantasy high freshman year #fhfy #kristen applebees #d20 kristen #fantasy high kristen #kristen fantasy high

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dyed-red · 2 years

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How do you think Sam felt about having sex with Ruby’s vessel? Did he need to rationalize that to himself or just the fact that Ruby was a demon?

this is such a delicious ask, i'm sorry it's taken me a while to get to.

there's just so much going on when it comes to sam/ruby. i draw a lot from comments from others on this, specifically those who are more familiar with the production and things the producers have said over the years in interviews. two things i've read as insights from the creative team (i think mostly from sera gamble?) are that:

it was important to sam that ruby's vessel was empty, otherwise that sex wouldn't/couldn't have happened (i think sera gamble had to fight for this or push its importance to her male co-creatives?)

sleeping with ruby was a form of "self harm" for sam.

I'm not sure where/how to find the original sources for those quotes as they're secondhand things I've read on tumblr about things said at cons and through other sources, but I fold both into my read on how Sam felt about having sex with Ruby and with her vessel.

So - to answer your actual question -

he felt like shit about it. and continued to feel like shit about it. and continued to do it. because he was in an incredibly self-destructive space and continued to be, and that self-hatred manifested in this particular way, for a variety of reasons.

And to unpack that a bit more...

1. sam has been possessed (by meg). he knows how it feels, and it Does Not Feel Good. his body was used to hurt people he cares about, to kill.

2. sam is consistently concerned about possessed vessels, where practicable. in the precinct seige during Jus In Bello, the fact that the "kill the virgin" spell could blast the demons out of the many possessed people outside is important to him. where dean reads the situation as killing an innocent woman, sam reads it as saving a few dozen people (at the cost of one, rather than the potential cost of many others if they try to shoot their way out). neither perspectives are singularly right but their different perspectives are informed by their different experiences, imo.

3. sam is saved by ruby wearing her 1.5 vessel and he promptly berates her for wearing some poor woman's skin, even if she saved his life, tells her that he doesn't want her help, and to get out of the car. he literally leaves her by the side of the road.

4. ruby 2.0 shows up with a certificate to verify that her chosen vessel is empty except for her. sam does not argue nor slam the door in her face, but asks for details. it's a major shift from one scene to the next in terms of how he is responding to her.

i'll also note that sam didn't complain about her 1.0 vessel's occupant during the time they were getting to know one another, which i think is interesting. my personal read is that sam considered that acceptable collateral damage in order to save dean from hell (what ruby promised him in season 3), and that after she failed to deliver, this compromise he'd made with himself over that collateral damage was no longer in play, nor was his patience for her.

(side note: i wonder if sam's greater tolerance of crowley, eventually, is because he came to learn or understand at some point that crowley's vessel is similarly empty?)

anyway, bringing all those points together, my read is that sam had to do a lot of self-rationalizing when it came to sleeping with ruby's vessel. sam is nothing if not pragmatic (if unhinged and insane) in his approach to dilemmas, so i think he could and did rationalize to himself that the body being empty means he's not hurting anyone by having sex with ruby in that form, but i don't think he'd fully convince himself.

so the discomfort and guilt and self-loathing would be... intense. she's a demon. demons killed his mother, his father, his brother. everyone he's ever loved. she saved his life. he doesn't trust her, he can't trust her. he can't afford not to trust her. he's got nothing left to lose. the only thing he has left is the part of himself that's stayed on the straight and narrow, that respects dean's dying wish, that refuses to turn into whatever his family (his brother) tried (died) to save him from becoming.

(sam himself lies to dean and says "it was practically your dying wish" that he not do exactly he's been doing (and more). sam knows there's betrayal here, and it's a betrayal that matters to him personally, or else he wouldn't hide and lie about it. he's never had any issue picking fights if/when he thinks he has the moral high ground.)

so... yeah. sleeping with ruby is an act of self-harm. he's obviously attracted to her vessel, and to her personality as ruby in that vessel, but that's not the key point. the key point is he hates himself for failing to save dean, for his brother dying because of him and being in hell because of him, and he's literally suicidal at this point in the narrative.

the fact that her vessel is empty is incredibly important, and i think a line he couldn't cross otherwise, but that doesn't mean he's okay with the fact that he's actually having sex with the body of someone who hasn't consented. and there's no doubt in my mind that somewhere in the back of his mind is both the fact that he's been possessed and has had his body used for things he was Not Okay with, and the fact that he's been dead (an empty vessel) and it's not like he would have been okey dokey with a demon possessing his corpse and sleeping with someone.

he knows it's a violation, no matter which way he slices it. and he uses that fact to hate himself a little more, so that the very act of sleeping with ruby is, in a sense, a way to punish himself for:

a) being attracted to her as a demon,

b) being attracted to her (helpless, innocent) vessel,

c) wanting connection because he's so goddamn lonely, and

d) being a monster/freak in the first place.

these are either things he's not supposed to feel because they're sinful wrong (attraction to a demon or vessel), or he deserves them (loneliness, feeling like a freak). this is what he's convinced himself of, and therefore how ruby acts as a both balm and escape (how it feels, how she soothes him) and punishment (how he deserves the influx of self-loathing and guilt and shame that comes from all that he is doing with her, from how this verifies all the worst parts of himself he was afraid of).

that being said -- as it goes i think he suppresses those feelings more and more because of what he gets from being with her, the connection and the blood and the high and the power and the sense of control over his destiny. but it's never that far from the surface, and we know how all that goes.

#oh my god this got both long and like... really unhappy about sam/ruby and his mental state during that arc #read at your own risk #sam/ruby #like that being said none of this is anti or crit #i goddamn love sam/ruby #but it is... deeply toxic #and very unhealthy for him #which is kind of the whole point #meta #my meta #a bit overwrought but i'm out of time to reread edit so here we are

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fingertipsmp3 · 1 month

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Should I end my tolerance break tonight or should I continue and see how long this can go on for

#full disclosure it’s only been two days #i’ll be honest kitten; daddy might have a fucking problem #look it’s not even… weed is not addictive. obviously #BUT i am not in the greatest mental state right now. i am not exactly a shining example of perfect mental health #i’m a 28 year old loser who peaked in undergrad and is a self employed freelancer BUT is too lazy to make decent money freelancing #i really need a manager breathing down my neck to get me to do the bare minimum or more consistently #i’m also super not doing well regarding 1) my dad’s deathiversary 2) my ongoing grief over mabel (yes she was a dog but if you say she was #‘just a dog’ i will come to your house and throw up in your walls DON’T DO IT. DON’T TRY IT. I LOVED HER)#and also just. the crushing weight of it all.#if i have edibles i don’t have to think about the fact i thought i’d either be dead or successful by now and instead i’m alive and mediocre #am i really supposed to freeball THIS reality. THIS ONE???#but then it’s like it creates a vicious cycle because is the weed making me unproductive or do i want the weed BECAUSE i’m unproductive #and it helps me forget that i’m a complete and utter loser. 🧐#listen i’ve gotten less done during this tolerance break than i did last week when i pretty much had a weed gummy every night #i’m not saying there’s a correlation but what i AM saying is it’s suspicious #i could continue the break until the weekend. that seems like the best plan #personal

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nothinggold13 · 9 days

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1, 10, 20?

Again. 3 years.

10. How do you read your Bible? Electronically? Physical Bible? Journaling Bible, or do you choose not to write in it at all?

Physical. I have a journalling bible which I got for my high school grad but I have not put anything into it yet. Instead I use my "wee college" (basically preschool bible study??) bible in which I highlight things in crayon. 👍

#love that bible. it is a disaster of different phases of my life #there is a note which says 'yolo' next to the 'eat drink and be merry' verse #there's a page full of hopeless psalms i highlighted during a falling out with a friend #whenever i use my actual journalling bible #i am going to make it nice and mature and pretty #just for the artistic joys #but my chaos wee college bible Gets It -- you know??#on which point: I think my mental state is descending into chaos. I should stop answering these soon

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