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twstarchives · 4 years

Text

Macarons...

Card: Ceremony Robes - SR Characters: Epel, Rook, Vil, Pomefiore students

Chapter 1

—POMEFIORE DORM - LOUNGE—

Pomefiore Student A: Alright! Before we start our welcome party, why don’t we introduce ourselves to the other Pomefiore freshmen?

Pomefiore Student B: Okay, I’ll start. How are you, everyone? As members of the same dorm, I hope we’ll all get to know each other this upcoming school year.

Pomefiore Student A: Excuse me for asking, but... are you by chance from the Rose Kingdom? You have the fragrance of a blooming flower.

Pomefiore Student B: Pomefiore students are just as observant as you’d expect! I’m amazed you could tell through my special parfum.

Pomefiore Student A: Are you from the Land of Pyroxene? That finely-crafted jewelry glittering on your fingers surely must be the work of a reputable jeweler...

Epel: ...Oh no...

Pomefiore Student A: And what’s your name?

Epel: Huh?! M... M-Me?

Uh... um... I... I’m...

......

Pomefiore Student B: Poor thing... He looks so frightened. Like a kitten all alone in the rain.

Pomefiore Student A: Oh, there’s no need to feel so nervous! Forgive me for being so rude; I shouldn’t have asked your name all of a sudden!

Epel: No, um... I... I’m Epel Felmier...

Pomefiore Student A: Epel-kun! It has a ring to it like a little bird’s song, fitting for a lovely figure like you.

Pomefiore Student B: That sorrowful face, tinged with gloom... What fragile beauty. Surely you must be the son of a noble family.

Epel: No, I’m nothing like that...

Pomefiore Student B: All of you are perfect matches for Pomefiore, where elegant students gather. I have a feeling we’re all going to get along well!

(Chattering...)

Pomefiore Student A: Just look at the Pomefiore lounge! So many luxurious furnishings... Not even my home has this much.

Pomefiore Student B: And the carpet is so finely woven and full of luster. What brand is it? Epel-kun, do you know?

Epel: I don’t...

Pomefiore Student B: Then, what are your favorite brands?

Epel: Huh? Brands?! Um, I... don’t really have any, I think?

Pomefiore Student B: So you’re not too picky about brands; I like that! I’m positive you’ll find an artisan to offer your patronage to!

Epel: Hahaha, haha... ...Hah.

Pomefiore Student A: Oh? Epel-kun, where are you going?

Epel: Um... I was starting to not feel too well...

So I was going outside to get some air...

Pomefiore Student B: Epel-kun is very delicate. And there are so many people here. Of course he must feel fatigued.

Pomefiore Student A: With that slender physique and porcelain skin... It’s no wonder. I hope this isn’t too serious.

—POMEFIORE DORM—

Epel: ...Hahhh...

I really... I really wanted to get into the wild and brave Savanaclaw instead!!

I can’t believe I got sorted into Pomefiore, led by a dorm leader who says things like that...

This is the complete opposite of the school life I dreamed about!

...I have to study harder, improve my magic, and get even stronger.

And then, someday—!!

???: Oh? I thought I saw a lovely papillon perched over here...

That hair and eye color—you must be the rumored freshman Vil was talking about. Epel-kun, was it?

Epel: Papillon...? Er, did you say “rumored freshman”?

Rook: Bonsoir, Epel-kun. I’m Rook Hunt, a third-year.

Or feel free to call me le chasseur d’amour if you wish.

Epel: Le cha... what?

Rook: Yes, yes, I see now that could have potential, just like an apple that’s begun to turn red. May I call you Monsieur Cherry Apple?

Epel: Cherry Apple?! Get outta here! If anything, please pick a bigger, bulkier kind of apple!

I’m really picky when it comes to apples...

Rook: Anyway, Monsieur Cherry Apple! Now that the entrance ceremony is over, how do you like Pomefiore? It’s very beautiful, isn’t it?

Epel: Huh? ...Yeah... It’s so fancy and sparkly...

But the guys here are nothin’ but a bunch of real prim ‘n proper show-offs. Not that beautiful if you ask me.

I don’t think it really suits me, though. Having Pomefiore assigned to me must’ve been some kind of mistake.

Rook: Non, non, don’t say such dismal words. You carry a soul that’s perfect for Pomefiore.

I would know.

Epel: I really don’t think I do.

Rook: Why don’t we go back to where everyone else is? You mustn’t let your small shoulders fall to the devil of a cold.

Epel: No... I think I’ll stay here for a few more minutes.

Rook: Are you bad at socializing? No need to worry. I’ll accompany you!

Epel: This guy is not on the same page as me at all...!

Rook: Now, let’s go, Monsieur Cherry Apple.

Epel: I told you to stop calling me tha—... Senpai, are you listening to me?

Rook: Ohh~! Our beloved, beautiful Pomefiore~♪

Epel: S-Stop dragging me; you’re going to pull off my arm...!

Senpai! Rook-senpai! Let go—man, you’re really strong! What even is this grip you’ve got...!

Chapter 2

—POMEFIORE DORM - LOUNGE—

Pomefiore Student A: Oh, Epel-kun came back. We were too worried about you to even think about starting the first-years’ welcome party.

Pomefiore Student B: Are you feeling alright now? The cold air outside must’ve been hard on you. Come, get yourself warmed up.

Epel: Th-Thank you...

Rook: All of you Pomefiore students have only just met, and yet you’re so considerate towards each other... This sight is truly très bien!

Pomefiore Student A: You’re... Vice Dorm Leader Rook Hunt-san! It’s an honor to speak with you.

Epel: Whaaat?! Vice dorm leader?! This weirdo—er, unique person is the vice?!

Rook: Oh? Epel-kun, you weren’t listening to my introduction at the entrance ceremony? How naughty.

Epel: So not just the dorm leader, but the vice is this weird too... This is the worst.

Rook: Now, beautiful Pomefiore flower buds, let’s all take our seats and feast!

The dorm leader should be coming soon, too. Remember to mind your manners and enjoy yourselves.

Pomefiore Student B: All the food looks so delicious. And the way the table’s been set up is gorgeous!

Pomefiore Student A: We’re having a full-course dinner? How very formal. It’s perfect for us Pomefiore.

Epel: Good manners... Formalities... Even at dinnertime, that’s just what it looks like.

Hm? What’s that? There’s a big bowl with water in it.

It’s a weirdly-shaped glass, but I guess it fits for a Pomefiore dinner.

(Gulp gulp)

Pomefiore Student A: What?!

Pomefiore Student B: He drank... all the water from the finger bowl... which is for cleaning your hands...

(Murmuring...)

Epel: It doesn’t taste like anything... Huh, what happened?! Everyone’s looking at me really shocked...

D-Did I do something bad... maybe...?!

Rook: Monsieur Cherry Apple...

Epel: Y-Yes...?

Rook: ...Ahaha!

Drinking the water for cleaning your hands—what a fun, tasteful joke!

Epel: What?! That wasn’t just a fancy cup...?!

Pomefiore Student A: I see. You were lightening up the mood. Thank you!

Epel: Y-Yes. Well... Hahahaha...

Rook: ...Hey, do you see now why you need good etiquette?

Epel: Ahh... It’s true I almost got seriously humiliated there...

Rook: I don’t want to see you looking so anxious anymore. I’ll give you a lecture on table etiquette!

First, take off that napkin from around your neck. Wearing it like a scarf might be cute, but the norm is to rest it on your lap.

Epel: A-Alright. ...Okay, I’ll have some soup now.

(Slurp. Sluuuurp. Slurp slurp!)

Rook: Non! Were you trying to be an elephant slurping up water? You can’t make a single sound!

Rook: And you must use your forks and knives in the order they’re placed, from the outside first.

Now, try acting in accordance with my instructions.

Epel: From the outside first, knife with your right hand, fork with your left...

Hah... Couldn’t I have done this all with a spoon?

???: Fresh potatoes!

Pomefiore Student B: Whoa, it’s so bright. What is this dazzling radiance...!

Epel: That’s...!

Vil: How is this welcome party I directed going? You’re all enjoying yourselves with sophistication, reason, and elegance, aren’t you?

Epel: Vil Schoenheit...!

Vil: That’s Vil-san to you, isn’t it? Epel Felmier.

Epel: ....!

Vil: How is everything going with this muddy baby potato, Rook?

Rook: Are you referring to Epel-kun? He’s trying his best. I was just in the middle of giving him a lecture on mealtime etiquette.

Vil: I see. ...But his manners aside, we have another issue right now.

Epel: Huh? Why are you coming up to me with that scary look on your face...?

Vil: Your posture is just terrible!

(Slap!)

Epel: OW!

Vil: All I did was give your back a push. You’re quite dramatic.

You don’t have a single sliver of grace in you. Epel, what is your favorite food?

Epel: Favorite food? BBQ meat. ...Agh!

Vil: ...I thought I heard an answer that was awfully unbefitting of this place. But surely I must’ve misheard?

I’ll ask again.

As a student of Pomefiore, founded on the heavy efforts of the Beautiful Queen, what is your favorite food?

Epel: It’s....

...It’s... macarons... Kgh!

Vil: Very good. Now, please adjust your posture as if you’re about to eat those macarons you love so much.

Epel: Why are you grabbing my head...! Agh, your grip’s real strong! You’re gonna crush my head like an apple! Yow! YOW!!

Vil: “Gonna crush”? Shouldn’t that be “going to crush?”

Furthermore... a person is shaped by the words they use. You will repeat everything from the beginning, this time using words I understand, won’t you?

Epel: You’re going to crush my head! It hurts!

Rook: You’re very receptive, Epel-kun.

Vil: Don’t lower your head while you’re eating. You aren’t bringing your mouth to the food, you’re bringing your food to your mouth.

And your face is much too slack. I’ll take ahold of your chin and secure it in place for you.

Epel: I cnfnhg lhgjhs. (I can’t eat like this.)

Vil: Keep your mouth shut while you’re eating.

Epel: Mphfgh...

(I came all this way to Night Raven College so I could become a strong, really cool mage, but...)

(All the people in the dorm I was assigned to are so annoying about appearances and customs...)

(This is the total opposite of the manliness I’d been dreaming about before I enrolled here!)

Whrs gnhung hpen fmnnon? (What’s gonna happen from now on...?)

#epel felmier #personal story #ceremony robes

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twstlotus · 4 years

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Hi there! 👋 Nice to see our fandom growing, more writers joining and trying their pens out with twst boy~ I'm here to wish you a nice day and leave a request, if I may. How would Epel, Malleus, Trey and Rook react to their s/o being well versed in a sword fighting? Seeing her(or them, I don't mind) in an act, maybe even protecting the boys? The s/o haven't disclosed it to them before and took a stance only because she had no other choice. Thank you very much💓

Before we begin, I apologize if I had written Epel a bit ‘off’, for lack of a better word. I have not played through Pomefiore’s chapter thoroughly let alone get to the important bits of said chapter (I’m only on 5-9..)

If I did mischaracterize Epel, please inform me! I will try to perfect how I write him as soon as possible.

Now, onto the headcanons.

Epel Felmier

Epel is astounded to see you swordfight. Perhaps his amazement is a bit inappropriate considering the context being that you were fighting off a few Savanaclaw boys for teasing and mocking Epel about the rumors that he wanted to join the Savanaclaw dormitory—but they did it right in front of your face. Saying how “a pretty boy soft as he is could never join Savanaclaw!” and continued.

You didn’t find violence necessary in the situation, but you weren’t opposed against it either. So when the Savanaclaw members began taunting both you and Epel, you quickly drew your sword and began fighting them, all while Epel walked in at the perfect moment and hid behind a wall and watched you.

The beastmen tucked their tails between their legs and ran off soon after you had your sword pointed to them on the ground. Once they were gone, Epel quietly walked out of his hiding spot and asked if you were okay, to which you hesitantly replied with a “yes”.

Quickly after, Epel began to somewhat gush about your sword fighting abilities and how great you were. Yet, he’s also curious about why you never told him about your skill in such. You explain to him that you never thought of a reason to why you should inform anyone of it, but you were also a bit afraid that he might find your talent in it ‘weird’.

He shoots your suspicions as completely incorrect. You were amazing out there! Epel has never seen sword fighting up-close and done so well! It makes him stagger through his words. He also states that you don’t need to hide anything from him and that he’ll accept you whole as a person and as a lover. The reason why he even fell in love with you was because of how free-willed you are, you know?

“Well, I think your sword fighting is great, (Y/N). I don’t think it matters what other people see you as, especially the negative ones—you’re great and that’s all there is to it!”

Malleus Draconia

Malleus first saw you sword fighting a handful of the Savanaclaw boys, or, well—it looked more like you were deflecting and inflicting minor wounds on the beastmen until they eventually ran off out of cowardice.

The fae was completely stunned. He had never known you were so skilled in sword fighting, and you fight with such gracefulness and elegance, too! The only other time he had seen sword fighting up close was when he and Lilia trained Silver as Malleus’ knight. Even so, his fighting style was merely that of a normal knight’s—but you, you looked like you were dancing with the sword.

When he snaps out of his amazement, he quickly comes out of the shadows to your aid and checks if you have any wounds. Humans are very fragile, after all. You reassure him that you’re fine and he eventually brings up your talent in swordsmanship, to which you bashfully deny ever being skilled in such a thing.

Malleus can obviously see through your lies, and after a while, you admit that you do. You kept it a secret because you were afraid that he might see you as improper or ‘strange’ and the only reason you even fought those Savanaclaw boys were because they were ridiculing your beloved fae.

He’s visibly surprised by the notion. Fighting...for him? Of course, he has literal knights who fight for him, but he always considered it as the two merely doing their jobs. You, on the other hand; you didn’t need to do such a thing for him, yet still, you did it anyway. He’s touched, to say the least. Afterwards, he comforts you regarding your talent and says to not be shameful of it, for it is a talent one could only look up to and that he’s always welcome to talk about anything.

“You’re not required to put yourself in dangerous situations, Child of Man. Trust that I can fight my own battles, so please, do not burden yourself with mine. Though I must say...you did well.”

Trey Clover

‘Surprised’ would be a bit of an understatement to describe what Trey felt when he saw you sword fighting with a fellow Heartslabyul member. Just a little bit.

The way you made your sword swings seem effortless renders him speechless. Just when did you learn to swordfight? And how will Riddle react when he sees you, battling a Heartslabyul member, with a sword!? The consequences may be severe… (and even so, when did Heartslabyul C-kun learn to swordfight!?)

Trey quickly steps in and stops the duel between you and the other dorm member. Heartslabyul C-kun leaves with a scoff while small wounds decorate his otherwise clean skin. Meanwhile, you seemed completely fine. There were only a few cuts from C-kun’s sword but it wasn’t at all serious. Still, Trey treats your wounds so they don’t get infected.

The entire time, Trey is almost quiet as he tends to your wounds until he releases a sigh of defeat, for lack of a better word. He tells you that fighting by yourself isn’t safe, you know? That would just end up in both you and him getting your heads chopped off by Riddle (thank goodness he brought you out of the scene of the crime).

You explain to him that the only reason you had done it was because C-kun recently found out about your talent in sword fighting and wouldn’t stop bugging you until you agreed to duel with him, knowing it was against the rules, so you denied his every demand. However, he brought Trey into the story by mocking him and that was the last straw.

Quite honestly, Trey doesn’t know how to feel about it. On one hand, he’s afraid and a bit worried for you and what could have happened. And on the other...he’s grateful and rather enamoured about the fact that you tried to defend him. Still, he shows appreciation for what you did in his name but reminds you to be careful next time.

“Don’t run off fighting other people, okay? I really appreciate what you did for me but I don’t want you getting hurt. Plus, I can’t have my favorite cupcake get in trouble with Riddle!”

Rook Hunt

Saw you sword fighting another Pomefiore member, but it didn’t look intense if at all. From afar, it did look like you and Pomefiore B-kun were simply practice-duelling—and from afar, it stayed as such. Rook continued to watch you from the bushes with a keen eye and a smile tugging on his face.

However, B-kun just had to do it. During your duel, he began taunting you about Rook, your Hunter of Love. It started small; calling him a weirdo and other nicknames Rook had likely grown accustomed to. But B-kun just went on and on, his small taunts grew to harsh insults, and you weren’t having any of it.

You swiftly defeat B-kun in the duel. His sword flying out of his hands and landing on soft grass, piercing the surface. You quickly tell him to scram and he leaves without a word, not even to retrieve his sword.

You let out a sigh before turning to the bushes, where you know Rook is. You call out his name and after a few rustles from the bushes, he walks out with a large smile on his face and claps for your performance, stating that it was marvelous! ....However, this does spark curiosity in him—curiosity on why you never informed him of your talent in the art of sword fighting.

You say that you never found the reason to tell him of it, though you weren’t exactly ashamed, it was just what it was also because you knew Rook wouldn’t stop pestering you about it once he found out that you were skilled in sword fighting.

Non, non! This is wonderful news to him! He’s happy to know that you’re confident in something you’re skilled in and he would be all the more glad if you wanted to speak to him about sword fighting, should you ever wish to do so.

“Your swordsmanship is fantastique, mon cherie! Though, I must ask…,” The self-proclaimed hunter steps towards C-kun’s sword and picks it up. “May I request a few sword fighting lessons from you?”

#twisted wonderland #twst #epel felmier #malleus draconia #trey clover #rook hunt #epel felmier x reader #malleus draconia x reader #trey clover x reder #rook hunt x reader #twisted wonderland headcanon #disney twisted wonderland #disney twst #well of the lotus flowers

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trashcatsnark · 4 years

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OC Interview: Deputy Dahlia Hale

Tagged by: @madsismad

Tagging: @enchantedbythebidders, @kizucute, @catoinette, @voltage-fanfictions, @piplup235 (not strictly fc5 ocs since only three of them have them, but do it my discord babies)

*Note: I’m setting this before the reaping, when she’s just settling in as Junior Deputy

1. What's your full name?

“Uh, everyone around here calls me Rook or Hale, I think Whitehorse is the only one in Hope County who actually knows my first name, to be honest.” The young woman tucks a strand of hair back behind her ear and doesn’t offer to give anymore information.

2. How would you describe your personality?

“I don’t know, I’m just kind of an idiot. I’m really quiet, but also don’t know when to shut up. I guess, like I don’t like idle chatter, but if you’re acting stupid, I ain’t afraid to tell you. An oxymoron,” she smirks, “ emphasis on moron.”

3. What do you do for a living?

“I just recently became a deputy for the Hope County Sheriff’s department, technically they call me a junior deputy which, ya know, isn’t even a thing and is kinda bullshit, but whatever.”

4. Are you single?

“Yeah.”

5. Who is your inspiration in life?

“Oh, uh, I got three, I guess. My dad, he died when I was little. He was a firefighter, died saving people he didn’t even know. Lloyd and Caroline back in Reinette, they took me in after I ran away from home, uh, long story. I have a lot of respect for people who are selfless and choose to be kind, no matter what. I wanna be that kind of person, someone who’d risk it all, sacrifice anything, to save someone else…,” she chews on her lip, a far away look in her eye before she stops herself and laughs, “now if only I could stop being a miserable asshole.”

6. Who is the messiest person you know?

“Me, bitch,” she laughs and grins, “I’m a fucking disaster. My trailer, my desk, its all awful. Pratt’s already threatened to strangle me for just tossing my trash in the floorboard of the patrol car.”

7. What is one thing you want people to remember about you after you've passed?

“Pfffff, no one’s gonna remember me for a damn thing.”

8. What's your favorite fast food?

“Can’t go wrong with a burger and fries.”

9. If you could have any super power, what would it be?

“Uhh,” her nose scrunches as she racks her brain for an answer, “invisibility? I know it sounds lame, but like sometimes I feel like I stand out too much and everyone is staring at the weirdo. Other times I already feel invisible, like I just don’t matter. So, being able to know that no one is consciously rejecting me or staring at me would be nice. Does that make sense? Nothing I say makes sense, does it?

10. Are you good at accents?

“I have like a dialect thing, coming from southern Louisiana, I speak Cajun French and all that. Though, my dialect isn’t the strongest, I can definitely play up it up and just confuse everyone around me. But that’s about it.”

11. Are you happy?

“I mean, like, ya know,” she shrugs and moves her hands in an awkward non-committal gesture before scratching the back of her neck.

#far cry 5 #fc5 #dahlia hale

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glowwormsmith · 5 years

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Joseph’s Birthday Bash

Uh-oh, sisters! You think the Far Cry 5 Birthday Bash was over? When I told my boyfriend about the event, he decided to make a special gift for me. I loved it. He also gave me full permission to share this on Tumblr, so to celebrate the last day of March, here is my boyfriend’s gift to the Far Cry 5 fandom. God help us all.

This is also unedited with only minor grammatical changes to make it read better. Enjoy the fic~

Summary: It’s Joseph’s birthday and everyone in Hope County is invited. Things can only go well from here.

Warning: This is a crack fic. Expect OOC-ness (though he says it’s an accurate portrayal of all the characters), general silliness, fourth-wall breaking, off-color jokes, and anything else associated with a humor/crack fic. If anything needs to be tagged, let me know.

AN: In truth, I know very little about Far Cry 5.

Joseph's Birthday Bash

It was a clear and sunny day at the Project of Eden's Gate compound, colloquially known as “The Father's Church.” As opposed to the compound’s usual stark and austere look, today it was vibrant; the fence that was torn open from a recent helicopter crash was fixed, and what looked to be white moonflowers were tied into every single link of every chain. Even the sign that on any other day of the year proudly displayed “Project at Eden's Gate” was covered up with a black tarp that instead was spray-painted to say “Happy Birthday!”

Truly, it was a surreal site.

“Oooh, it's perfect!” A young woman in a white frilly dress exclaimed, as she took in her handiwork. “Now we just have to finish the outside of the church! Go on, mush!”

In response, the ragtag group of strangely-dressed bald men who were the ones actually tying the flowers into the chain link fence turned to give a glassy-eyed stare to their commander.

“Mush.” She repeated, snapping her fingers and pointing to the church.

Sluggishly, the men picked up their basket of flowers and headed to the church.

“Ah, Faith.” A long-suffering sigh came from just behind the gate as a man with a perfectly coiffed beard and a three-hundred-dollar coat stepped through. “As usual, you're truly an inspiration to observe. I wish I could be half as sympathetic to those in my region.”

“John!” The aforementioned Faith beamed at the new arrival. “As usual, you're acting like a posh bitch!”

John's head jerked back slightly at her bluntness and he was just about to retort, until another, much larger man came and put his hand on his shoulder.

“Enough.” The large redhead grunted “Don't the two of you start. It's insufferable.”

“Wow!” Faith said with a sing-song lilt. “‘Insufferable?’ Isn't that a little too many syllables for you, jarhead?”

Jarhead gazed at her and gave an unimpressed grunt.

“Really, would it kill you to act a little more ladylike?” John asked the girl. “This is why you're not in the Christmas photos.”

“This is why you’re not--” She mimicked.

“Really. Stop.” Jarhead said. “Joseph's going to be here soon. You know how he gets about the two of you bickering. I'd rather not hear it for once.”

“Sorry, brother,” John mumbled.

“Sorry, brother~” Faith mimicked, to everyone's distaste.

“Rachel.” Jarhead warned, making her grimace slightly. “Stop.”

Faith stuck out her tongue at him for a brief moment, then turned her head towards the church and fell silent. Suddenly, a small cloud of dust kicked up from one of the cliffs above them accompanied by a hum of an engine.

“He's here.”

A Jeep with tinted-black windows came into view from over the cliff, driving down into the gated compound. In moments it pulled unto the gate right in front of the three siblings. The driver's side door opened and out stepped a man who practically glowed with an enlightened aura. This was the most notable man in Hope County, Joseph Seed.

He was also wearing a blindfold.

“Jesus H. Christ!” Jarhead barked. “Where you driving that thing blindfolded!”

“Jacob, my brother!” Joseph greeted, turning almost (but not quite) to face where Jacob was and spreading his arms. “My escorts told me that I had to wear this, otherwise I'd spoil the surprise.”

“Your escorts were supposed to drive!” Jacob growled, looking towards two men in red balaclavas who stepped out of the passenger and rear seats, respectively. “I am disappointed.”

“B-but...” One of the strangely dressed men stuttered out. “The Father--he wanted to drive!”

“Blindfolded?”

“Now, Jacob.” The still-blindfolded Father consoled, patting his brother on the shoulder. “It's like John 9:25 says, ‘I was blind, and now I can see!’.”

“It's not.” Jacob sighed. “You still have that thing on.”

“You never were the most spiritual, brother.”

“Oh for--” The tall ginger ran his hand down his face. “Can we just get on with this whole thing?”

“I dunno,” Faith said, twirling a flower in between her fingers. “This is kinda fun to watch.”

“No, don't listen to her.” John wheedled his way between his two brothers and grabbed Joseph by his bicep. “Come, Brother, let us show you what we prepared!”

Ignoring the disapproving stares from pretty much everybody, John sidled up to his brother, in a way that one could say was unnervingly close even for siblings, and led him into the compound. Stopping just before the church, John held his breath before motioning for his siblings and the followers to gather around and quickly ripped off Joseph's blindfold.

“Surprise!” Everyone hollered. “Happy birthday, Father!”

Joseph serenely took in the whole event, gazing at his church, defaced by clumsily pasted on moonflowers behind his piss-tinted aviators.

“Were you wearing your glasses under your blindfold?” Jacob asked, stunned by his brother's dedication to fashion.

“Well, Brother?!” John ignored his favorite brother's apparent psychosis. “Isn't this a wonderful surprise?”

“It is no surprise, my children.” Joseph smiled back at all his followers, eyes crinkling slightly at the corners. His visage was that of one who has truly reached enlightenment. “For I have foreseen this.”

“D'Ohhhhh!” his followers cried, shuffling their feet, as Faith nodded sagely, completely eating it up, and John looked crushed.

“Of course you did,” Jacob sighed, wondering why he spent any time with his family.

“Now, John.” The Father gazed around the decorated compound and nodded his head before turning and beckoning to his younger brother. “Bring me your Devil Box.”

“My what?”

“Your devil box,” Joseph said, as if he was talking to a small child. “Which you use to broadcast the past onto other, squarer devil boxes.”

John looked as if he was about to have a conniption. The rest of the followers weren't much better.

“Your camera,” Jacob grunted.

“Oh!” John exclaimed. “But why, Joseph?”

“Why John, today is the birthday of our Savior,” The Father chided. “Me. Obviously today should be a day of armistice and coming together.”

“No,” Jacob interjected, already seeing where this was going.

“Therefore, I suggest--”

“No.”

“--That we invite--”

“Seriously. This is dumb.”

“--The deputies and their friends!”

“Joseph.”

“Worry not, my dear brother, things are going as foreseen.” Joseph settled the matter with a deft hand and turned to his other siblings. “John, Faith, we must prepare for our guests.”

“As the Father decrees!” Faith screeched, turning to her homeless-looking followers who gave their agreement with a cacophony of inhuman moans.

Elsewhere

The town of Fall's End had seen a major downsizing since the Project at Eden's Gate had started. While it was never what would be described as a “booming town,” it had a scattered few stores with a surprising variety of goods, tailored to the unique individuals that lived in Hope County. Now all stores were closed but two: a bar called the Spread Eagle, and a hardware shop that sold guns.

It was unfortunate for the town of Fall's End that even the followers of the Project at Eden's Gate couldn't rid them of their town idiot, though.

“DEPUTY!” A grown man with a roughshod beard and a stylized American flag shirt shouted, as he waved his hands and ran down an empty street. “DEPUTY!”

His shouting continued until he entered the Spread Eagle.

“DEPUTY!”

“Hurk!” The bartender, a blonde woman, shouted back as she cleaned her glasses with a wet rag. “Quiet down! You're bothering my customers!”

“Oh! Hey man, sorry,” Hurk said, looking around at the scattered few patrons giving him the stink-eye from over their mugs. “I was just looking for—OH, THERE YOU ARE!”

“Hurk!” the bartender threatened.

“Oh, sorry, man.” The town idiot nodded back again, then proceeded to walk towards a patron who was doing their best to not look at him. “Hey, man, where have you been? I've been calling your name for the last hour!”

The person Hurk was addressing was an iconic figure of Hope County, Deputy Rook. The deputy was, even by Hope County's standards, a complete and hopeless weirdo. They were a small person, standing maybe 5'7”, and not a single person besides their parents probably knew their gender.

Why one might ask? Because Deputy Rook always wore some kind of weird mask on their head. Be it a big chicken mask, an alien mask, or even what they were wearing today, a gigantic eyeball mask. No one truly knew what Rook's face looked like. The deputy even wore a big horse mask to their police academy graduation, which was probably the reason they were assigned to this podunk town.

Even more than that, they were slight of build, had shaved and waxed legs, and never spoke. Ever.

“Hey man, have you seen the TV?” Hurk questioned Deputy Rook, who in response continued to give the impression of not looking at Hurk (which was doubly impressive, given that they were wearing a gigantic eyeball on their head) and poured their beer into the cornea of their mask.

As expected, it didn't go into the mask and splashed everywhere.

“Yeah? That's cool, man. But seriously, you should check it out,” Hurk continued, seemingly oblivious of Rook's indifference. “HEY, MARY MAY!”

“Hurk. I'm going to kick you out,” the bartender countered.

“DON'T BE LIKE THAT, MAN! JUST TURN THE TV ON TO CHANNEL 3!!” “Hurk, the only channel we get anymore is channel 3,” Mary May sighed, as she picked up the dusty TV remote from behind the bar and turned on the small CRT that they used in the past to watch the Cougar's baseball games. “You can just say ‘turn on the TV’.”

“WILL DO, PRETTY LADY!” Hurk screamed conversationally, as he turned back to the Deputy. “Hey man, look, it's Joseph.”

The deputy quickly glanced up to see that, indeed, on the TV was Joseph Seed. They then got up, turned their bar stool around and continued to splash their beer around.

“Greetings, my children,” TV Joseph spoke, static slightly modulating his voice into a deeper, more seductive tone. “I am broadcasting this message to give good tidings to you all!”

“Oh man, I don't know what that means, but it sounds sinister, don't it?!” Hurk questioned the Deputy, who raised a finger in the air to silence him.

Mary Mae poured them a shot glass of clear liquid, which they proceeded to throw all over their mask.

“Yeah, I like the liquor too.” Hurk nodded.

“Today marks the day of the birth of your Savior.” TV Joseph looked over his piss-goggles for a brief moment “Me.”

“What an asshole.” Mary May came to the general consensus as she poured herself a shot glass of clear liquid and proceeded to throw it back.

“As such, today will be a day of peace!” The camera zoomed out to show the entirety of the followers of the Project at Eden’s Gate crowded around what looked to be Joseph's church, but it was covered in badly placed flowers. “I invite you all to my church to partake in the merriment. I hope to see you all there!”

TV Joseph lowered his aviators again. “Especially you, Lamb of God.”

“Huh, wonder who he was talking about.” Hurk scratched his head as the recording abruptly cut off and repeated itself a moment later. “Must be his secret weapon.”

Deputy Rook scooted their chair as far away from Hurk as they could. They were, unfortunately, between him and a wall, and therefore had to press themselves up against a wall to get as far away from the idiot as humanly possible.

“But you know, man, what this means we need to do?” Hurk questioned the Deputy, who was sidling the wall and trying to very sneakily escape. “WE NEED TO GO CRASH THAT PARTY!”

“Alright Hurk, that's it! Get out of my bar!”

Elsewhere, sometime later

“This is a waste of time, Joseph,” Jacob grunted from his seat at the porch of Joseph's church. “Our enemies aren't just going to waltz into here.”

He couldn't have picked a worse time to say that, as a helicopter came into view on the horizon and the sound of a horn blaring from an 18-wheeler echoed down the cliff side of their compound.

“Faith, brother.” Joseph gave Jacob the smuggest grin.

In short order, a convoy of vehicles pulled up to the gate of the compound: an 18-wheeler with a flame decal, a shitty-looking jeep with a Gatling gun on the roof, some gaudy looking sports car, a black sedan, and a handful of ATVs. The helicopter came and landed next to them, followed by a red biplane that didn't quite stick it's landing and rammed into the gate slightly, knocking over a 50-foot section of the chain link fence.

“Lovely that you all have come,” Joseph said serenely, waving to the group of people who were filtering out of their vehicles and checking the safety on their weapons. “Truly, it is a day for celebration--and don't worry, we've made enough macaroni salad for everyone!”

“Bleh!” Hurk said in sync with a young man holding a flamethrower stylized with a shark motif.

“Come, my children,” Joseph beckoned, conveniently ignoring anything that didn't fit his worldview. “We shall begin to make with the merriment!”

“Check your guns at the door,” Jacob added.

As it turned out, the community gathering didn't immediately dissolve into a crazed slaughter. There was (surprisingly for the Seed’s) a good amount of liquor provided. Deputy Hudson, the only (at least proven) female deputy, managed to integrate herself with a group of Jacob's hunters and were quietly discussing amongst themselves what the best shotgun slug on the market was. Whitehorse had a surprising love of fashion and was discussing Mumu's Fashion Week with John, who was an avid collector. Deputy Rook even managed to be companionable, if silent, after one of Joseph's followers commented that they liked the gaudy, skeleton-embroidered gloves they wore. Everyone else was laughing at the Project at Eden Gate followers suffering through the classic Seed macaroni salad. All in all, it was a good time.

“Everyone,” Joseph called out. “It's now time for the exchange of gifts!”

Alas, all good things come to an end.

Whitehorse motioned to Deputy Rook, who leaned their dumb eyeball mask close to their boss. “We were supposed to get gifts?”

Rook shrugged. It was a birthday after all.

“Why didn't you tell me?” Whitehorse demanded. Rook turned their eyeball mask fully to face the sheriff down in a stare-off.

“...Fine.” Whitehorse relented. “You make a good case. You're lucky you’re such a damn good speaker, Rook.”

A deep sigh came from the mask before Rook turned back towards the Father.

“Me first!” John shouted, pushing his way to the front of the crowd. He cleared his throat and presented a perfectly wrapped box to his brother.

“Thank you, dear brother,” praised the Father as he carefully unwrapped the box. As he reached inside, he pulled out a painting frame. “...Modern art?”

“It's the first sin I carved out of myself!” John proudly displayed a scar on his left underarm, “Are you not proud, brother?!”

Slightly green, Joseph nodded, setting the framed piece of flayed skin in a pile he mentally marked as 'trash'. “Very. Next, please.”

No one moved.

“Come now, no need to be shy.” Joseph looked around the crowd who was trying very hard not to meet his eyes. “How about Faith? Come now, my child.”

“Err...” Faith's eyes darted around like a rabbit staring down a shotgun. “How about Jacob first?”

“No, no. I'm sure your gift will be wonderful,” The Father countered with a smile.

“Sure, yeah! Wonderful.” Faith inched away. “I just have to go get it! I'll be right back!”

The young woman bolted away. A couple minutes passed, then five, then ten. Most of the gathered guests wondered if she was going to come back (most hoped that she wouldn't). Any concerns were allayed and hopes dashed moments later, however, when she came back with a poorly wrapped and heavily-taped, ball-looking object.

“Happy birthday, Father!” Faith exclaimed with a proud smile as she shoved the gift into his outstretched hands.

“Thank you, sister.” Joseph serenely intoned, carefully picking at his gift in order to most carefully unwrap it, only for it to spill all over his suit. “...Dirt?”

“It's symbolic,” Faith explained.

“Oh?” The Father was quite interested. “How so?”

“It's symbolic,” Faith repeated, sweat beading down her face, her ever present smile trembling slightly.

The Father looked over his glasses at her with what half the crowd would say was disappointment, and the other half would say was understanding. “I see.”

“Jacob!” Faith screeched grabbing her actually-not-really brother by his huge bear arm and dragged him forward. “You're turn.”

“Fine,” he huffed. Reaching into his inner coat pocket, he withdrew a small, unwrapped cardboard box, not much bigger than a soda can. “Happy birthday, Jo.”

“Thank you, Jacob.” The Father smiled, comfortable in the knowledge that his eldest brother would actually bring him a regular gift. He opened the box and examined the plastic object. “...What is it, exactly?”

“It's a speed reloader,” Jacob explained, picking up the gift and holding it in what Joseph assumed was the correct configuration. “You load your bullets here, and if you ever need to reload, it'll barely take you a half-second.”

“A speed reloader?” Joseph was baffled. “For an assault rifle?”

“What? No.” Jacob was beginning to be as baffled as his brother and pointed to the gun at his waist. “I've never seen you with a rifle. That's for the revolver you're always totting around.”

The Father stared at his brother for a solid two seconds before bursting out with warm laughter. “Oh Jacob, I'll never actually use this weapon.”

“Joseph, I know you don't like guns, but--”

“No, no brother. It's just a character design element,” The Father explained. “Why, using it would be silly.”

“I don't understand what you're saying.”

“Don't worry, all is as foreseen,” Joseph said, falling back to his cop-out line.

“I'm done.” Jacob gave up, rubbing his forehead in suppressed rage, he gestured to the deputies and their compatriots. “One of you idiots can go next.”

“Oh, I'll go, I'll go!” Hurk waved his hand and ran up to Joseph before shoving what looked to be a shopping bag right in his face. It made a satisfying “bonk” as it rebounded off his forehead. “I know we had our troubles, man, with me dropping out of the cult and all, but this has been cool.”

“Thank you, young Herakles,” Joseph said benevolently, ignoring the throbbing pain in his head. “I'm glad—”

“Yo, man, where did you hear that name?” Hurk tried to whisper, but it came across even louder. “My name is Hurk.”

A rasping chuckle came from the weirdo in the giant eyeball mask in the crowd.

“Young Herakles,” Joseph said. “You should be proud of your name. It has heritage and—”

“WOO-HEE!!” Hurk screamed. “WHO KNOWS WHAT THESE PEGGIES ARE SAYING, AMIRITE?!”

“I'll just open this now,” Joseph said, opening his shopping bag and taking out a rather nice bottle of wine. “Young Herakles, this is one of the bottles of wine I bought for this party.”

“I know, man!” Hurk agreed. “I knew you'd like it.”

Joseph looked at the bottle in his hand and set it beside him. He looked to his eldest brother and made a motion of cutting his throat. “I see.”

Jacob grunted, grabbed Hurk by the shoulder and guided him back to his friends. “Next.”

“Sure.” A black man with a smooth voice stepped to the front of the queue. “I've got something to give Joseph.”

As the Father saw this guest, his eyes lit up. “If it isn't my old friend, Jerome!”

“‘Old friend’. Sure,” Jerome said dryly.

“I missed you, friend,” The Father continued. “Remember when we used to camp out together?”

“You mean when you squatted in my church?”

“Or when you had me as a guest preacher?” Joseph pushed on.

“You wouldn't stop interrupting my Mass.”

“Such good times.” Joseph said. “What tidings do you bring, old friend?”

“This.” Jerome placed a half-drank water bottle in front of the father emblazoned with the words ‘Holy Water’ in still-wet, permanent marker ink. “Blessed it myself. I'm curious if you'll spontaneously combust when it touches your skin.”

“You blessed it yourself?!” Joseph gasped. “I'll treasure it. Thank you, my friend.”

Jerome just glared at the Father.

“And no hard feelings about the thing with your daughter, right, friend?” Joseph pushed.

Jerome continued to glare at the Father.

“Haha, of course not old, friend. What a story.”

Deputy Hudson quickly went up and dragged the preacher away before he went to strangle Joseph.

“That will be a hard act to follow,” Joseph warned.

The gathered looked at each other and started shoving each other to try to push one unwilling sacrifice to the head of the crowd. After a couple moments, a man stumbled out at the head of the crowd. “I suppose I'll go,” said a dirty man with crazy hair. He walked up to the Father, dug through his pocket, and dropped a crumpled cardboard business card on his place mat. “Here.”

“Why...Thank you,” Joseph said, inching away from the filthy man. He gave a glance at the business card before grabbing the tongs from the macaroni salad, and used it to pick up the card and bring it to eye level. “A free, 1-year subscription to...Zip Kupka's NewsBattles?”

“It's my internet talk show,” Zip Kupka explained. “You can get it on XM radio, too. It tells about all the hard-hitting news, like the bliss in the Henbane turning all the fish gay!”

“Lies!” Faith shouted, perhaps a bit too loudly. “Baseless slander!”

“Wait,” Skylar Kohrs, the young fishing champion of Hope County, muttered. “Is that why there are no Demonfish out this season?”

“What are Demonfish?” Staci Pratt, local emasculated deputy, asked the butch fisher-girl.

“You know,” Skylar explained, holding out her hands to their full wingspan. “About this big, dorsal fins, huge teeth.”

“Skylar,” Staci said in a slow voice, as if talking to an idiot. “There aren't any sharks in Montana.”

“I know,” Skylar shot back. “They're Demonfish.”

“Children, children.” Joseph held up his hands, forestalling their argument. “We're getting away from the important thing here. Me.”

Deputy Rook idly wondered if the buffet table sporks graciously given out for the macaroni salad would make a good enough weapon to stab Joseph. Before they could act on that train of thought, an old, bearded man in an apron jogged into the middle of the crowd, shouting unintelligible madness.

“Mphyadn, Shawdamnh Birthday,” the seemingly crazed man said. “Hadph, doart cake mera fer lpod.”

“My child, do have peanut butter in your mouth?” Joseph offered the man a glass of wine. “You sound like you could use a drink.”

“No Padfd Btha.” The man shook his head, but took the glass from the Father and downed it all in one quick throw. “Baday cake Tephda, Aldkh?”

“Err,” Whitehorse broke in, seeing as none of the cult members (or their leaders) could understand this man. “Chad here's saying that for his gift, he made a birthday cake for you. He was asking if he could clear off some space to bring it out.”

“Of course, my child!” Joseph said. “But leave the macaroni, all my children seem to be enjoying it.”

Chad looked disbelievingly at the Father as a cry of “Your macaroni sucks!” came from the crowd, but nodded and went to his truck where he retrieved the cake, made some space on the table near Joseph, and set it down.

“Quite an...” Joseph looked at the giant meatball in front of him. “...Interesting-looking birthday cake.”

“Mera o Mtabaffth,” Chad explained.

Wordlessly, Joseph turned to the Sheriff.

“It's more of a meatloaf,” Whitehorse said. “Chad's a world-class BBQ chef. It makes more sense than him actually baking a cake.”

“I see.” Joseph nodded, carefully cutting a small piece of the giant meatball and eating it. After a couple moments of chewing, his eyes lit up and he took a bigger piece. “This is actually quite good! What kind of meat is this?”

Chad smiled and then said, in perfectly understandable and unaccented English, “Bull testicles.”

The Father stopped chewing, and audibly gulped. He set his tableware to the side and nodded. “Thank you, my child. I think I'll save the rest for all my guests.” “Oh wow, you sure?!” a man in aviators and a flannel vest pushed his way forwards before grabbing a literal handful of the cake. “Look, Kim! They got testies!”

“...Great job, honey.” A pregnant Asian woman congratulated him from the gaggle of guests as she hung her head in shame.

The Father watched on in fascinated horror behind his glasses as the man savagely ate the handful of testicles with an “Om nom nom!”

“Is it really that good?” one of the Project at Eden's Gate followers wondered aloud.

“It must be, look at him go,” another said, pointing at the man filling his cheeks with testicles. “Chad is a world-class BBQ chef, after all.

“Hey, yeah, let’s go try some.” And so, the entire crowd of guests meandered their way forward and made quick work of the testicle cake.

“Oh my,” Joseph said drolly. “I wish my macaroni salad would go as quickly.”

The worshipers looked away from the Father. A cry of “Your macaroni sucks!” came from somewhere in the crowd.

“Hey man, it's like, nature.” Sharky Boshaw, Hope County's resident firebug, said, spraying bull testicle everywhere as he did so. “You can't stop nature. Everyone wants to get some balls in their mouth.”

“Young man,” Joseph preached, gesturing towards where his siblings stood. “Of course, you can go against nature. Why, look at my siblings.”

Turning, Joseph only saw Jacob there, with a disassembled gun in his lap.

“Where did John and Faith go?” Joseph asked his brother. Jacob grunted and motioned towards the table with his head. Turning, the Father came to the sight of his youngest brother and sister stuffing their face with testicles. Looking at his siblings voraciously eating the balls, Joseph could only come to agreement with the young man in front of him. “Nature is truly a frightening thing.”

“Yeah, man. Anyways, happy B-day,” Sharky said, before digging in his pocket and tossing the Father a lighter. “That's a favorite of mine, real sentimental value.”

The Father examined the bright blue plastic lighter. “It's a Zippo.” “Good brand,” Sharky agreed with a nod.

“It has a 99-cent sticker on it,” The Father argued, before spinning the striker. “And it's empty.”

“Real sentimental value.”

Joseph set down the lighter in the “trash” pile next to John's gift. “Thank you, my child.”

“Oh yeah! Sharky kills it again!” The pyro pumped his fist. “Beat that, po-po!”

Sighing, Deputy Rook rose to bring their gift to the so-called prophet.

“Oh, the Lamb of God!” Joseph rose from his chair and held out his hand. “Wait, wait!”

The Father grabbed the left shoulder of his suit coat with his right hand, and in one fluid movement, ripped off his whole suit top and dress shirt and threw it to the side, revealing his tattoos to the world. He looked over his glasses at Deputy Rook and held his arms towards them, motioning for them to 'come hither'. “Come, my child.”

The Deputy's whole dumb eyeball mask rolled. They woodenly marched forward and reached into their jacket and dropped, into the Father's outstretched hands, a remote bomb. On it was a sticky note that read, ‘Not every problem can be solved with a bullet. This isn't a bullet.’

Suddenly, everyone was pointing weapons at each other.

“PUT THE GUN DOWN!” John was yelling at Sharky as he pushed his gun against his forehead.

“YOU FUCKING PUT THE GUN DOWN!” Hurk yelled back as he pushed his rocket launcher against John's liver.

“YOU AREN'T GOING TO FUCKING DO IT!” Faith shouted as she rapidly moved her shotgun between them.

Deputy Rook, meanwhile, rolled the detonator between their palms.

Joseph sighed and set the gift down in the trash pile. “Peace, children, peace.”

“Joseph,” Jacob grunted. “You're sitting next to a bomb. Peace is a little out of the picture.”

“Now, brother,” Joseph said placatingly, pulling out a silver stopwatch and checking the time. “Let's wait until we get the last gift.”

“What last gift?” Jacob hissed at his brother, who turned his head skyward.

“That.” A whistling was heard in the distance. Then, Joseph's church exploded in a shower of wood, sawdust and moonflowers. The kinetic energy from the blast sent everyone except Joseph, who was standing in just the right spot, hurtling to the ground, ears ringing.

The Father walked up to the object jutting out from his now destroyed church, and lay his hand upon its cool, metal surface.

Jacob was the first of those not blessed by (a dark) God to recover. He looked up at his brother to see him stroking an undetonated ICBM. On it was Cyrillic characters that he recognized; Russian. He only knew a brief smattering, so it took him a moment to translate what it said, but when he did, he could only mutter, “Crazy bastard.”

On the missile it read, Happy Birthday, Joseph – God.

Smiling, Joseph meet his older brother's eyes. “It is all as foreseen.”

Then the world was covered in cleansing fire.

Fin

#far cry 5 #long post #fc5 #far cry 5 fic #joseph seed #john seed #jacob seed #faith seed #far cry #deputy rook #eden's gate #hope county #behold my boyfriend's work and despair

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lokiarsene · 5 years

Text

episodes 12 ~ 14 thoughts.

thoughts on episode 12:

-- ren gently and politely offering to hang out with makoto at an arcade or to take her to karaoke to help her find a way to "close the distance" between them is... very... very sweet. i forgot how much they made ren a genuinely kind young man in this. he's got nerves of steel, of course, but i'm really pleased to rediscover his gentleness.

......... akechi's got a good bf~

-- i also really like that ren points out that makoto's the type to really get into games (or media in general), and she thanks him for allowing her the chance to indulge. that's yet another thing i forgot about ren! he's not only keenly perceptive, but he has a strongly developed intuition for someone so young (he's what, 17 at best?). it's a kind of gentle "wise beyond his years" type of thing.

-- kaneshiro's distortion-transformation into his boss form is uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh gross. not bad gross, just--gross and effective.

-- really tired of makoto and ann's bodies (namely, their asses) being disturbingly detailed when the animation crew fuckin' slacks on things that matter. that's bad gross.

-- awww i really like the baton pass sequence in kaneshiro's fight. it's a nice, exciting way to bring the feel of how it is in game to the anime.

-- makoto getting late night peptalk calls from mona and ren is ;-;7 really sweet. their friendship was my absolute favorite in the game, second only to goro and ren's (i’m a sucker for villain/protag dynamics).

-- makoto whispering, with her back turned to sae (and in another room!), all that she really wants to say to sae was like a little knife twistin' in my heart. it adds to what i said earlier, about their relationship being so strained and muted.

thoughts on episode 13:

-- AKECHI'S BACK

-- AKECHI'S ON THE TV AND WALKIN' INTO LEBLANC'S AT THE SAME TIME. boy knows how to make an entrance.

-- hE ASKS REN TO PLAY CHESS WITH HIM are you kidding me

-- FOR FUCK'S SAKE I LOVE THEM

-- oh my god i love this entire bit of them playing chess. this whole segment, everything about it--their conversation, the way they're framed, how the angles change, where it zooms in and where it pulls back. it almost feels like a dance.

-- the piece goro uses to trap ren's king? that’s the tower piece--also called the rook. which is also the name of a corvid bird.

-- mishima can you stop being so weird. is that even a remote possibility?

-- apparently not, because even mona calls him out on it.

-- mona, ann, and makoto all goin' to hang out is ;___; really fucking cute.

-- gotta love how the coffee shop doubles as a 'ren's friends come in and dump all their anxiety and troubles on the table while having a cup of coffee' zone, too. see also: akechi saying leblanc has a nice atmosphere. it's place where you can speak--and thus breathe--easily and clearly.

-- akechi: HEY, HANG OUT WITH ME ren: *goes along without protest*

-- !! akechi offering a plan that'll serve them both (keeping yusuke safe from kawanabe, and akechi getting the proof he needs that kawanabe is doing shady shit), and the two of them working together is reALLY FUCKING COOL, ATLUS.

THEY WORK TOGETHER LONG AFTER LEBLANC IS CLOSED, COMING UP WITH A FLOW CHART AND NOTES ON HOW TO NAB HIM AND EVERYTHING.

TOO BAD IT'S IN A FUCKIN MONTAGE, ATLUS. ;_;

-- yusuke: "someday i'll use my art to paint over the blackness of the world." ren: "i'll look forward to it."

get u a friend like ren who will support you no matter what your dreams are.

-- AND THEN REN INDIRECTLY HELPS AKECHI GET A BREAK IN THE CASE BY FLAT OUT ASKING KAWANABE IF HE KNOWS ABOUT THE SHADY SHIT lmao. turns out it was some rando jobber.

-- interesting that the two major contrasting emotions in this episode are desire and hope. desire, naturally, would be depicted as something dangerous (buddhism and all), but what is hope but the exact same thing? hoping is just a wish, a desire, for something to come true... i guess the argument would be that desire is an impulse acted on, and thus distorted, but hope is a passive feeling?

thoughts on episode 14:

-- AKECHI AGAIN. and oof, his face in the car when he thinks no one is looking... ouch.

-- i really love the development we're getting with makoto in these episodes. her reflecting on how useless an honor student is if all she does is what she's told was really staggering. she doesn't take any pride in the role that is traditionally showed as something to aspire to--and she's right. what's the use of being on the student council and a representative for the other students if you're not able to actually help them or speak up for them?

and her questioning what's the point of going to a top university if she doesn't even know who she wants to be. now that's a problem i think teenagers anywhere in the world can understand. young adults are asked to set up their futures at an age where people barely know themselves. and so many people change their minds about who they be throughout their 20s and 30s...it’s really unfair. hell, i didn’t get my life in order until my late 20s, though that was mostly due to my illness.

these kind of things make makoto one of the most interesting members of the PT to me, far more than some others that i won't name (because i don't want to be a dick). i really, truly wish that p5's story allowed for a more thorough examination and pulling apart of the traditional ideals in contemporary japanese society that are actually harmful for the people who are forced to uphold them.

but i guess if i want that i gotta go play yakuza.

please play yakuza btw.

-- "sticking to your own sense of justice.. will only lead to self-destruction." i know sae's talking about makoto here, but i'mma side-eye akechi with that remark.

-- REN JUST SHUTTING OFF THE PHONE WHEN MISHIMA TEXTS HIM FJSDKALFDSJKL. yes, please. just keep putting that weirdo on read, ren.

-- "the most important part of your life is how you choose to live it." *lies down on the floor* makoto why are you the best character in all things in all ways forever and always the end.

-- REN STEPPING IN BETWEEN TSUKASA AND MAKOTO FJKADSFJSDKL

"YOU'RE FIGHT'S WITH ME."

*BURIES SELF IN DIRT AND LEAVES* WHY IS HE SO GOOD JDKLS

-- "MALE SCUM GET PUNISHED WITH FISTS." FUCK YEAH THEY DO, MAKOTO

#this is the ask tag #p5 anime

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oforoddette · 6 years

Text

The Sizeable Sirens

Catwoman, Harley and Catwoman are looking for money but instead, they find nothing but fattening foods.

Gotham attracted weirdos. It was a well-known fact that people just got used to. So when the crazy owner of Gotham’s Premium Candy announced a prize of $1 million to whoever could break into her factory and find it, many people hopped at the chance to get the cash. There was a catch though.You had to make it through all of the traps within the factory.

Harley thought it would be a piece of cake. Unlike many people, she was extremely agile. People also underestimated her brains. Yeah, she could be a bit of a ditz but she had gone to school to be a doctor and had graduated. So she also had smarts on her side.

“What are you doing here?”

Harley turned around and frowned. Catwoman appeared from the shadows, hands on her hips.

“Hey there kitty,” Harley grinned. “I’m here to collect my payday.”

“Oh please,” Catwoman rolled her eyes. “Like you’re going to get the money.”

“Looks like I have competition,” Another voice entered. “Well, at least this will make things interesting.”

Sliding down a vine, Poison Ivy landed in front of the two women.

“Looks like we’re rivals,” Harley said. “Sorry girls but that money is as good as mine.”

“As if!” Catwoman sniffed.

The backdoor to the factory was unlocked. Harley ran in ahead while Ivy pushed Catwoman out of the way. Catwoman hissed as Ivy went ahead of her. Once inside, the three women got a good look at what they were up against. The factor was large. It was one of the biggest buildings in Gotham. However, the three of them were surprised to find what looked like a makeshift kingdom.

And it was made entirely of candy!

Harley reached down and picked at the grass. She sniffed it before popping it into her mouth. It was taffy! She chewed on it, looking around at her surroundings. The trees were made out of hard candy with little candy leaves. There was a running brook of soda and the bridge over it was made of peppermint. There was a large wall surrounding a castle and it seemed to be made out of various cookies! Even the air smelled good. The whole place was filled with a warm, welcoming scent. The three women had inhaled deeply, letting the strange smell invade their mind. Ivy was about to throw out some seeds, ready to uproot the whole thing, when something stopped her.

Have a bit of candy. It won’t hurt.

The voice was a foreign one. It didn’t belong to any of the women in the room. Ivy shook her head, trying to ignore the voice. But it came back.

Just a small bite of candy. It’s very sweet.

Ivy looked around the room. There was candy everywhere. There was no way one piece of candy was going to be missed. Ivy reached down and picked up a flower. It’s stem was made of gummy candy and the flower was rock candy. With a shrug, she bit into the candy. Then she took another bite. This candy was the most delicious candy she had ever tasted! In fact, no other candy could compare to it. She bit in again, moaning slightly. Catwoman and Harley took notice of Ivy.

“Watcha got there Red?” Harley asked.

“Here,” Ivy reached down and picked up a candy flower. “Try it!”

“Since when do you like candy?” Cat asked.

“Don’t mind if I do!” Harley took the flower and chomped down on it. “Wowsa, it’s good! Cat, you gotta try this!”

Cat rolled her eyes but she picked up a flower and took a bite. Okay, it was good. Really good. In fact, it was delectable!

“I have to have another one!” Ivy declared.

She picked a few more flowers and started eating them. Harley licked her fingers once she finished her flower. She spotted a bright, pink rock. Since pink was her favorite color, she got down on her knees. She took a huge bite out of the rock and was rewarded with the delicious taste of rock candy. With her mouth full, she moaned slightly before swallowing. Then, she took another bite. Catwoman watched the other two, trying to focus on the task at hand. Once she had finished her candy, she was ready to get that money. She took a few steps towards the bridge only to realize that the lake had gummy fish. They floated on top of the water. Wait, it wasn’t water. Catwoman reached down and scooped some of it up.

“Chocolate milk?” Her eyes went wide. “Hm. Maybe I could stick around a bit.”

Ivy munched down on the flowers, not wasting a bit of candy. While she ate, her stomach got bigger. It wasn’t too noticeable but it had rounded out since she started eating. The same had happened to Harley and it was starting with Catwoman. Ivy would have stopped eating if it wasn’t for a cupcake bush she saw in front of her. Now Ivy knew plants but she had never seen a cupcake bush before! She took a cupcake off the bush and bit into it. The cake was moist and sweet. Ivy sat down, getting closer to the bush. To her surprise, she found the leaves on the branches were chewy straws. Amazing!

Harley ate all of her candy rock. She frowned when it was gone but then she noticed a big, purple rock. She squealed with delight as she crawled towards it. Again, she started to eat. This rock tasted like grapes! It was also extremely sweet, driving Harley to eat. Greedily, she tore into the candy. All the while, her stomach got bigger. The clown was so focused on her sweets that she didn’t even feel her outfit getting tighter.

Catwoman had never met gummy fish before. They were friendly and to her surprise, they didn’t mind being eaten. They were so eager to be in her stomach, they jumped right into her mouth. Cat didn’t mind. The fish were chewy and of course, they were bursting with sweet flavors. Each one was a different flavor, filling Cat’s tongue with a medley of tastes. Each fish that came into her mouth added to her girth but Cat’s focus was on the fish.

The three women continued to eat. Ivy devoured all the cupcake bushes before she started eating the cotton candy trees. Harley ate rock after rock and Cat laid on her back, letting the fish jump into her mouth. They continued eating until Harley finished her very last rook. It had tasted like cherries. Harley ate the very last bit of candy before realizing something.

“I’m thirsty!” She declared. “I could use something to wet my whistle!”

“Oh,” Cat stopped eating the fish. “The lake is chocolate milk.”

“Chocolate milk?” Harley perked up. “Really?”

“Milk?” Ivy looked over at the lake. Harley bounced over to the lake, her stomach jiggling as she went. She found a plant next to the lake that had stems that looked like straws. Harley plucked one and placed it into the lake before she started drinking. Ivy joined her, grabbing one of the stems and placing it in the lake. Cat decided she wanted to have some milk too before it was all gone and followed suit. They drank, sucking all the milk into the straws. Soon, it was empty. The three women ate their straws (which were made of peppermint) before Harley burped.

“Man,” Harley patted her stomach. “That was good milk!”

“Yeah,” Ivy sniffed. “Oh, I smell cookies!”

“Me too!” Catwoman looked around. “Oh, there!”

Ivy and Harley looked. It was a village made entirely out of cookies! The houses, the streets, even the small people were made out of cookies! The three women started running towards it, their stomachs wobbling. The three of them sat down, making the ground shake slightly. They began to grab at the cookie town, tearing into the small buildings and devouring the streets. While they greedily ate, their stomachs continued to grow. All three of them were so focused on their eating, they didn’t notice.

Harley burped as she finished off the cookie post office. Then, she looked around to see that they had eaten the entire place.

“That can’t be it!” Harley said sadly. “Did we really eat it all?”

“Yes,” Ivy sighed. “I’m still hungry!”

“Me too!” Catwoman pouted before perking up. “Wait, I smell something! Do you smell it?”

Ivy and Harley sniffed the air. It was the unmistakable smell of apple pie. Catwoman got up, sniffing the air. Her stomach, which had been nice and thin, was now massive. Ivy and Harley had plumped up too. Not only did they have large guts but their asses had filled out. Catwoman went around and found the source of the smell. Yes, it was pie. Massive, huge pies. They were as big as trucks! Harley hollered happily before diving into one. Instantly, she started to eat. Ivy and Catwoman followed suit, each finding their own pies.

For hours, they did nothing but eat pies. Each large pie was more delicious than the last. Lemon meringue, pumpkin, pecan, blueberry, peach and more! There was so much pie for them to eat. It took them about three hours to finish off all the pie. Ivy licked up the remaining pie filling sadly, trying to savor the taste.

“We have to find more stuff to eat!” Ivy said. “I’m still hungry!”

“But we ate all the pie and--wait!” Harley said, pointing towards something. “Look!”

There was a table set up. Harley was sure it hadn’t been there before but she didn’t care about that. All that matter was it was covered with sweets. There were cakes, pies, cookies, cupcakes and more! With their stomachs wobbling, the three obese women ran to the table. Once there, they started to eat. Ravenously they ate, cramming food into their mouths. Their clothing began to rip as their bellies, asses and legs became thicker. But they didn’t stop. They ate for hours until Ivy suddenly asked something.

“Weren’t we here for something?” She asked. “I can’t remember what it was.”

“We were but I don’t remember what it was,” Catwoman replied. “God, this is so good.”

“Something about money?” Harley mused. “It must not be important.”

“It really isn’t. All that is important to food.” Ivy said.

The other two agreed and they kept on eating. When they had finished everything, they finally stopped. Their stomachs were full at the moment and they couldn’t really eat another bite despite wanting too.

“I want more!” Harley groaned. “But my tummy feels so full!”

“I know,” Catwoman sighed. “I guess we should wait until we eat again.”

“Urppppp!” Ivy hiccuped. “God, what I wouldn’t do for some ice cream.”

“Double chocolate chip ice cream.” Harley added. “With caramel sauce.”

“Or strawberry ice cream with whipped cream.” Catwoman sighed dreamily.

“What about pumpkin spice ice cream? With orange slices?” Ivy licked her lips.

The three women thought about ice cream, imaging all the wonderful flavors and toppings. It was only when Ivy’s stomach rumbled did she smell something. It was the familiar scent of ice cream. She would know that smell anywhere. Getting up, she started walking. Harley and Catwoman followed her. Their stomachs were rumbling too and they were ready to eat again. Ivy came to a very large door which she pushed open with her belly.

The room was covered with ice cream. Nothing but ice cream as far as the eye could see. Harley almost started crying. Harley wasted no time and ran into the nearest pile of ice cream. She dove into it and began to eat. Ivy and Catwoman decided to follow Harley’s lead. They had no spoons but the three women didn’t care. All they cared about was the sweet, cold ice cream. Hours passed as the three of them ate. Ripping was heard as their outfits began to tear. Their flab was revealed but they were so distracted by food they didn’t notice.

Ivy groaned as she leaned back. Her stomach was so full that she had to stop. She wanted to keep eating but she was so full!

“I want more,” Ivy licked her lips. “But I’m so full right now.”

“Me too,” Catwoman burped as she laid down. “I want to eat more but my stomach won’t let me.”

“Ughhhhhhh,” Harley groaned, falling onto her back. “So much ice cream!”

Harley burped as she rubbed her sides. The three women were so large that their stomachs were touching. The large bellies gurgled and sloshed as the three villains rested. Harley started to snore while Catwoman yawned. Ivy was in awe of her stomach.

“Just wait,” She told her belly. “Once I wake up I’ll---get back--to---ice cream.”

With that, she fell asleep.

#Odd's Stories #Weight gain #female weight gain #Catwoman #Poison Ivy #Harley Quinn #eating

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