Hi pookies how have you all been!! <3
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i was thinking about how it took me a while to figure out i'm aegosexual (which basically means that there's a disconnect between yourself and being the subject of attraction) and i thought about how much i really dislike and just cannot see myself in slash reader fics. i tend to dislike these fics for multiple reasons, but some of them include that the reader self insert is usually really boring, has no personality outside of being lovey dovey and isn't unhinged enough for certain characters for reasons outside of contrasting personalities for my tastes (like spamton for example, why are you writing a normal protagonist to pair with fuckin spamton of all characters). but another reason is that i literally cannot connect myself to the reader self insert. like i cannot imagine myself in their place at all, it's always another stand-in that i imagine instead and thinking about myself in their place makes me uncomfortable. i can't see myself in their place because i don't see myself as a subject of attraction, and i'm repulsed to that idea. so i imagine someone else instead because that's better to me. and also because of the aforementioned reasons that have more to do with the writing of the self insert, i just cannot imagine myself acting the way the self insert does because I Personally Would Not Fucking Do That™. like i would not be romantically kissing a guy on a date, i would be infodumping about my special interests for 3 hours and then start ranting about how funny cars are while he just smiles and nods lmao
this is why i've never really self-shipped with any character. like i can be attracted to them and be like "i wanna hold his hand/kiss him/do inexplicable things to his psyche", but in reality i could never actually see myself as a subject of attraction by this character, so i'd either ship them with another character i like or imagine a sort of stand-in that has some of my traits and lives out my fantasies but still isn't me. i can fall in love but i can never connect because ew that's gross and weird. watching from the sidelines by reading fics and looking at fanart about characters being shipped with others and being intimate with each other is more my cup of tea.
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