#most important thing to ever happen to me actually....
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after hours, i can be whatever you want me to be ⭑ ( lhs. )
⭑ FEATURING horrendously down down bad lee heeseung x kinda naive philophobic fem!reader. where heeseung has no intentions of escaping your cages, forever remaining under the spell of your love. ( ARCHIVE? )
⭑ GENRE & WARNINGS fluff, toxic situation, almost kissing, mildly suggestive WORDCOUNT 0.834k
she's crazy but i love her.
heeseung's steps are slow and calculated, eyes glued on your figure trying to make your way to his car. stumbling and wobbly in heels you (kind of) seem accustomed to, feet clicking against the pavement in a hasty stride. he's worried. you were out with friends past midnight on a weekday, called him all drunk to pick you up from the bar and now you are barely able to walk straight, ankle on the verge of twisting at any given moment but you wouldn't let him hold you. he's worried sick.
"angel please just hold onto me hm?" he pleads rushing over when you visibly slip on an uneven part, hands almost gripping around your waist as you manage to keep your balance, staggering back into his arms in a couple of steps.
"you! who are you!" your hands push against his chest as you turn around startled. there it goes, again! heeseung sighs knowing what's to come. it's the third time in the last fifteen minutes, going over this exact conversation word to word.
"it's heeseung, your cousin's friend and your friend," he makes sure to emphasize on 'your friend' trying to stop this before it gets further into the loop.
"where's my cousin?" you ask, looking around the rather empty parking lot.
"he working," heeseung's explanation is dry because he knows you'll cut him off before he can say anything more,"and why are you here?" just like that. he remembers the first time this happened, when you were actually sober and met him at your cousin brother: jay's workplace. you showed up out of nowhere, without any notice and jay was going bonkers at how he'll get you back home when he has the most important client waiting for him in the next room. heeseung hadn't thought much when he offered to drop you off, a favor for a friend that was all it was to him.
"because you called me, angel," but god was he wrong, for he swears the moment he laid his eyes on you he was a goner. you were too darn pretty to be just a favor. you were younger, a party girl always running out to frat and sorority gatherings, bars and clubs. often calling jay to pick you up to avoid letting your parents know of your shenanigans.
"why did i call you and not my cousin?" everytime he had wished it was him and not jay, even though ultimately he was the one who went. carrying your cute drunk ass to your mansion and getting you to your room as discreetly as possible. you are a rich girl, two worlds apart and heeseung has felt it in many ways than not.
"because i'm your cousin's friend and you know me well," heeseung never thought he'd ever be more than just your cousin's friend to you. at least he hopes he is more. you have done things with him that you'd definitely not do with just your cousin's friend. a space curtaining acquaintance and lover, he hangs dangerously cold and heedless.
"so where's my cousin?" between days left ghosted and nights you throw your arms around him he stands unsure of his place in your life. at times he feels you know he's the one who could treat you better than any of the guys you cry for. yet there are moments when there's this sturdy wall you build, holding him away for the sake of not losing him like others. afraid of love is what you refuse you are but heeseung knows your conceptions of it are a little too twisted, broken he dare say. and his love for you is so far and conflicted to the things you have experienced, he understands the lengths and the time it will take for you to recognize and accept him.
"you know what, i'm getting you in the car myself," in an instance his hands grip at the back of knees and the curve of your waist, hauling you up in his arms. he walks quick to his car parked at the far end, smiling through the constant pouty mumbles of yours. eyeing you every two seconds, not being able to resist that pretty face of yours.
it is absolutely not in him to ever resist that pretty face of yours, your pretty eyes and your pretty lips as they graze against his own in gentle brushes. arms looped around his neck and thighs resting on the soft matress of your bed, albeit on each side of his own, yet again. sitting on his lap, so close, bodies pressed. "heeseungie, please stay," your voice a sultry whisper of a whine, a naive vixen, if that's even a thing.
lee heeseung knows he will never have the power to refuse you, he will be whatever you want him to be for how ever long you will want him to be.
you make him crazy and he loves you for that.
taglist ( open. ) @kangseulgithegreat @s00buwu @lilyuwon @pockyyasii @nctislifue @ashtxrie @miniature-tragedy @jayujus @brachives @thoughtsmeander2tumblingblindly @eeunoia @nxzz-skz @shawnyle @potato0579 @enhastolemyheart @ro-diaries @aaa-sia @okwonyo @enhabooks @jjunae @criminalyun @enhacrumbsss @oddracha @seochangbinnnnnnnnnnn @mxxnintheskyreblogs
#enhypen imagines#BROTHER's BSF trope In A NEW wAY#enhypen drabbles#enhypen fluff#enhypen scenarios#enhypen heeseung imagines#heeseung imagines#enhypen soft hours#enhypen soft thoughts#enhypen reactions#enhypen headcanons#enhypen hard hours
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Saw a post about how the function of private school is to insulate rich people from the conditions that most people experience, and while I'm sure that's largely true, I wanted to surface another piece of it. I didn't want to add it to that post because it would have been an "excuse me, your post didn't account for my specific situation, I am uncomfortable when we are not about me??" addition, so I'm making my own post instead.
I attended private school as a child -- specifically, a Jewish day school. I learned Hebrew, prayers, and Jewish history. I only went through fourth grade but it provided a really solid skill basis that I've been able to build on ever since, and it's a big reason why I can so confidently navigate Jewish spaces as an adult. There's simply so much content to pass down, and twice-weekly supplemental Hebrew school lessons don't really provide enough time to transmit that much of it. I'm not saying this to gatekeep people who didn't have this experience, but rather the opposite; I wish this was available and accessible to all Jewish children.
I digress a little; the point is, while private school in general may be about rich people separating themselves off and giving themselves treatment that their wealth-hoarding denies the rest of us, there are other functions of private school as well, such as a minority group passing on important cultural and religious knowledge to its children.
And to be honest, that doesn't need to happen outside the public school system; there is actually a school in Canada that, by way of being Hebrew-immersion (because language immersion schools are a thing in that municipality), is actually a Jewish school fulfilling that same purpose. But in many places, people object to public school funding being used for religious content (and in the US I'm not even sure it's constitutional), so this model doesn't work everywhere.
Anyway, just wanted to add this piece of context to help round out how folks view private schooling.
(And side note, my private school was not particularly fancier than the public schools; half of it was in the basement of a local community building and the other half was renting space from a local synagogue. My second grade classroom was in an old, weird little outbuilding on the synagogue grounds.)
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osis!swap. because i was thinking about lock.
(Under the tree is…)
(You're not sure what you're looking at, actually. It looks like a bunch of inanimate objects piled together.)
(It has a face. Or at least it has a mouth. The thing grimaces when you see it.)
〘"Hi."〙
(It talks! It can speak!)
("… Hi." You say back.)
〘"Welcome to your rebirth! This is your first loop!" Its porcelain darkless hands come up into the most pathetic jazz-hands you've ever seen.〙
(WH. HUH???? HOW DID THIS THING KNOW ABOUT-)
〘"Sorry!" It yelps, waving its hands nervously, "That's probably a spooky thing to hear from something you just met!"〙
(You sputter. "H-how do you know about how I-" You can't finish that.)
(It seems thoughtful for a moment. Looking at this stranger now, you notice that its head is almost shaped like a planet. There's a ring that wraps around it where its eyes would be.)
〘"How do I know you died?" It finishes for you.〙
(… You nod.)
〘"I saw it." It says quietly, regretfully, "It's my job to watch over you."〙
(Is this some sort of agent of the Universe? That doesn't make sense, though. A higher being watching over a person is… that's weird. Not how the Universe works. You think.)
("Why?")
〘"… You're looping through time. I'm here to act as a guide to you, Siffrin."〙
(You freeze. "HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME?")
〘"Er." It looks away, head bobbing slightly, "I know things about the loops, but I also know things about you. Like your name, your parties names, and other important things. Like… pronouns."〙
(You're not entirely sure if you'd put pronouns on the top of important things for a celestial body to know??? Also you're kind of freaking out.)
(Instead of freaking out more you find your voice. "Do you. Have pronouns?")
(… Good question, Siffrin. Great going.)
〘It laughs, bright and warm despite how quiet it seems. "Hah! Yeah. Yes, I have pronouns."〙
(…)
〘"It/its. If you don't mind." It sighs. "Like I said: I'm your guide. A something. Think of me as... a tool. A, uh, resource to use!"〙
(Well... at least if you know this one's pronouns, you can think about how out of place it seems. Like a swing taking a role it doesn't know. You nod.)
〘"Oh! Right, um. There's a lot of information that I'm gonna throw at you in a second!" It gestures at the space under the branches of the tree, "You might want to sit down?"〙
(That's. Probably a good idea? Your legs are shaky and your heart is racing so you should probably sit that might help.)
〘"Woah, buddy!" It exclaims, "Take a breath?"〙
(Hah! Yeah, yeah, you should do that! You were just thinking about the fact that your heart was racing. You should breathe. That might help! Probably!!!)
(In)
(And out.)
〘"Pheeeeeeeew." It breathes with you.〙
(... It kind of reminds you of someone. The way it holds itself.)
〘"So... the loops, huh?"〙
(You nod. "The loops.")
〘"Every time you die, you'll loop back in time. Like... what just happened. Until you break the loop."〙
(You squint at it, "Can't you just tell me how to do that?"
〘"Er..." It looks away from you, "No? I'm a resource, not an answer key. I'm here to help, but I don't really have all the answers. Sorry."〙
(Oh... thats disappointing. You guess you'll have to figure that part out on your own then??? The actual important part? Which is not being trapped in a death loop forever?)
(... Actually.)
(It's not all bad, is it? Being back means you have a chance to try again! To do better next time!!! You won't die like an idiot this time! You'll make your way to the King and then break the loops! No problem!)
〘"So I can't tell what you're thinking but I can sort of guess and I probably wouldn't think about things like that? If I were you? And obviously I'm not you, but I just wanted to, uh, give you that little nugget of wisdom."〙
(!!!)
(Weird! You're not sure how to read this guy at all! This guy... hm)
("Do you have a name?" You ask it.)
〘"... Do I need one?" It replies, tilting its body to the side. Its head follows a beat later.〙
(You think about your own name.)
("I can't just call you nothing, can I?")
〘"You can call me whatever you want! Your guide, your resource, cr-stars! You can even just call me annoying, haha!"〙
(It's weird, for sure, but you don't know if you'd call it annoying? Maybe it is, but you don't really have a super strong opinion yet? You can't tell if you like or hate this guy yet.)
(You shrug, "I guess? But give me something to call you. So I won't forget.")
(It hugs itself, mouth pressing into a thin line. Oh, stars. Did you already make it mad at you?)
〘"... You can call me Lock." It tells you finally, "Your tool for breaking the loops, Lock. Ironic, huh?"〙
#in stars and time spoilers#isat#isat spoilers#isat au#of stitches in sequence#osis swap#basil writes
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pjoverse headcanons . . .
starring SIARA as the pink aphrodite princess ⋆౨ৎ˚⟡˖
notes; this was sooo fun to do eek!! sunni @sunnitheapollokid created the first super cute post like this so go check it out here hehe. these are a bit all over the place LOL
♡ i was really suspicious of chb bc literally no one tells u anything ab it before u get there like... i’m going to some random camp that i know NOTHING ab? what are we going to do? what’s the age range there? how long am i staying?
♡ def had a lot of questions when i reached LMAO. i felt a bit out of place at first since i didn’t know anyone though the apollo, demeter, and aphrodite campers were def super sweet :) @starlitszn @gentlehue @maybxlle @puffoz @canonfeminine
♡ since i’m a legacy of hades, there would have been a bit of confusion w claiming. i do hold grudges, usually longest when someone i love has been wronged (see how the aphrodite and hades work so well together 😫)
♡ i think something i do when i or someone close to me receives unfair treatment is forgetting but not forgiving which is very hades core imo. also ever since i was a kid i’ve been super interested in ideas of afterlife
♡ but at the end of the day aphrodite is the most me and i feel extremely connected to her 💓 i love all forms of love, i think it’s one of the most beautiful and key things in life. one of the things i appreciate ab myself is that i can see beauty in things and people even when they can’t see it themselves
♡ i can see myself being claimed after i comforted and reassured a friend bc something unfortunate happened ☹️ being there for the ones i love during the hard times and helping them get through something is so so so important
♡ “are you sure you’re feeling better now?”
♡ “i am. siara, look at yourself.”
♡ “yes, i know i have aphrodite’s blessing. but are you one hundred percent sure?”
♡ after that piper and i became bffs actually ☺️☺️ ik she’s such a welcoming head counselor, my number one girl fr! i see so much of myself in her <3
♡ slightly unrelated but i like the idea that being around a lot of the v kind and gorgeous cabin 10 girlies would have helped piper work toward healing her relationship w femininity. she grew up without her mother obv and the “girly girls” at school would bully her so naturally she kind of rejected it
♡ in my head after growing closer to the aphrodite campers like lacy her views changed. rick’s characterization of her was so messy don’t even get me started 😣 but anyways
♡ we watch movies, go shopping, and paint our nails together like yes bby being a badass and being feminine are not mutually exclusive 😊😊 i js know she is the BEST at nail art
♡ WILL IS MY OTHER BFF! crazy dangerous stuff always happens in chb so naturally i visit the apollo cabin a lot (def getting five nasty splinters a day js from eating lunch at those wooden tables) which is how we met and bonded
♡ piper will and i go to the strawberry fields for picnics when we can and js lie in the grass on warm summer days! biconic trio me thinks
♡ she paints his nails w little suns btw ☀️
♡ i got to become friends w the seven + reyna and nico bc of those two! hazel, nico and i are the crazy hades gang fr
♡ i’m able to shadow travel but not very long distances since i’m not a direct descendant
♡ “nico, can you get my book for me? i forgot to bring it back when i went strawberry picking with will and piper.”
♡ “you can go get that yourself.”
♡ “i’m quite obviously disadvantaged. you can shadow travel farther than i can.”
♡ and omg there are sleepovers when hazel comes to visit chb and we watch the orientation film
♡ hazel and i start cackling at the song parts bc nico knows the lyrics LMAO
♡ but none of us can actually sleep in the end so we go to the stables and js talk about existence and life
♡ OH AND THE PEGASI AND ME LIKE THIS. 🤞🏽🤞🏽🤞🏽
♡ i love spending time w them sm, so nice after a long day
♡ shoutout to my poseidon besties for translating what they say to me 🫶🏽 @kozumesphone @metyouattherighttime @somewhereincairparavel (elora ur a child of neptune i believe so u would be at cj? but u would visit so it’s all good)
♡ sorry y’all not to be an aphrodite kid stereotype but i will be DITCHING capture the flag. genuinely sounds like the most terrifying and risky thing ever. also i am not a competitive person so 😭😭 i prefer other forms of training for battle
♡ nico would hide in the cabins with me 😔
♡ A HUGE FRIENDSHIP BRACELET ENTHUSIAST. making many for all my friends duh
♡ i loveeee giving out romance book recs to fellow campers
♡ the space by my bunk bed is covered in string lights as well as wall prints of things i love! music, movies, aesthetics, n books. my own mini irl pinterest
♡ my trademark is little cute doodles around camp. they’re on the walls, the archery targets, picnic tables, shields, u name it. animals, stick figures, foods, hearts, stars... the list goes on
♡ buttered toast and croissants are breakfast STAPLES. jason is with me on the latter 🙏🏽
♡ a pink or white baby tee is part of my signature fit xx
♡ i’m still a hopeless romantic, but more of a self love focused child of aphrodite :)
♡ THE BEACHHHHH omg my favorite spot fr. reading in the sun while listening to the waves? sign me UP!
♡ i bake cookies, cupcakes, and any coconut, vanilla, or chocolate dessert whenever i can. baking pastries is my love language
♡ my camera is always with me, capturing little moments of life’s beauty makes me so happy
♡ ALWAYS there for young girls when they need me. i’m like their older sister i love them sm
♡ especially when they’re my little sisters! if any of them ever feel unworthy or not beautiful enough to be related to aphrodite i WILL be changing that mindset instantly bc they are all beauty queens
♡ my soundtrack includes; in between by gracie, please please please by brina my mother, bewitched by laufey, high school in jakarta by niki, there she goes covered by sixpence none the richer
♡ if i tagged u in this and u haven’t done it, feel free to! no pressure ofc <3
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PLEASE explain your thoughts on kriselle in full detail
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS 100% UNPROMPTED ASK! I SHALL EXPLAIN
i hate toby fox. why did he do this to us. he really put it better than anyone else. not really romantic not really platonic but…. something else… some secret more sinister more heartfelt more absurd third thing
i wonder at what point should i clarify that i dont even really seek out kriselle in a romantic context… DONT GET ME WRONG i have zero issues with the ship whatsoever and all of the krisellers out there are living their best (most painful) lives and i SEE THE APPEAL. BUT when i rotate them in my brain i dont need them to kiss or anything like that i just need them to sit down and sadly hold hands and stay like that forever and ever. in case you couldnt gauge that from my art so far
tldr i dont think i ship them in the traditional sense at least …. the things that i usually fixate on for any romantic ship are not there with these two. there are no romantic feelings there In my mind. and all at the same time i start screaming and throwing up and killing myself (all positive) whenever i see them even in the same image together. hngh
ive tried explaining this to people before and they usually suggest something along the lines of a QPR and even that doesnt feel right to me. truly the best way i can put it is… that red string of fate man… which i almost hesitate on saying too because i dont actually know if noelle is Quite an important enough character to the story to warrant a connection like that. WHICH IS A CRAZY THING TO SAY. I KNOW. DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT GETTING ME WRONG i think dess and her connections to gaster and her usage as a stepping stone into the weird route are all VERY important… but in my brain its just not kris/knight/asriel/every other mysterious main focus of the story Important. i didnt mean to get into deltarune theorizing here i hope nobody’s blood is boiling rn
so yeah in the end. toby fox once again put it best. they are friends, but they are also something else.
back to the actual pairing though… sometimes i think im going overboard and overestimating how close kris and noelle were as children because noelle will go and say things like “i wonder if we were ever really friends at all.” which is kind of a fair statement considering the circumstances. sure they played together and all and tagged along with their siblings to do stuff together but when dess went missing… it all kind of stopped. kris is just a kid, they dont know what to do or even how to process it, much like noelle. asriel is probably dealing with his own feelings, he just lost his friend and likely old enough to understand the weight of what happened. while noelle and kris cant say much to each other at all.
im always back and forth on speaking headcanons for kris but the one that i always seem to come back to is selective mutism… to me kris had a lot of trouble communicating well as a child and could only grow comfortable around certain people, asriel and noelle being clear examples because they’re both so patient with them. maybe because of this noelle felt like they could understand each other without really needing words, and just physical interaction was enough to achieve some form of closeness… or maybe that was all just on her end, she thinks when kris goes to play the piano. but if that’s the case, why does it feel like a concert just for her…?
jesus dont even get me start on them as teenagers either. noelle has lost her sister, and now kris has lost their brother… but not in the same way. they look at each other and wonder if they’re the same now. or, maybe thats too cruel. maybe its not the same thing at all. asriel’s coming back soon, after all. it will all be over soon, kris won’t have to feel this way for much longer, right? so then, why does kris look so miserable, sitting in the corner over there? all noelle feels like she can do is sit next to them quietly. to be there, and to somehow, vaguely, messily help each other. the misfit kids that dont really know how to talk to each other and yet understand each other regardless
thats why the dark world feels like such a dream to her. these crazy city lights, fantastical creatures, susie’s there, and she actually might have the means to defend herself and stand her ground, whether it be verbally or… otherwise
and most of all, much like with kris offering an adventurous haven to susie in ch1, the same is extended to noelle. by kris’s side, no less. it feels like theyre doing things together again, and its fun, and nostalgic… she wants to bring dess. and i think its okay to assume kris wants to bring asriel, too. recreating the make-believe world they lost so long ago… is it really possible?
no… how can it really be possible, when this isnt kris? something is wrong. its almost perfect, except kris… it’s them, but it’s not. she sees their face, their expressions, their laughs, their worries. and yet the voice that comes from them… isnt them. and it scares her! even if nothing particularly bad happened as a result. and if something bad DID happen, well…
she just wants what they had before back. is it really so impossible? can they reconcile after all these years? does kris want to? is kris capable of doing so? maybe they just need to hug again. will it feel like a real hug? the person she thought she understood is acting in ways she doesnt understand. they’re telling her to do weird things. they cycle through actions as if they just want to know what happens. and they cant even play piano anymore.
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Alrighty, I just got to the point of Chapter 13 after they talked to Luke and BOY DO I HAVE THOUGHTS.
So , can we talk about how straight up unserious Percy is ? Like you NOTICE that this is a kid. Buddy is out on a mission to basically save the world, going around telling Medusa he and his friends are orphans having been left behind by a circus and sightseeing XD
Say what you want but that kid is funny af. Love that for him.
The whole Medusa thing was CREPPY tho, like- Grover fr just found what basically is his dead uncle's corpse ???????? That's honestly fucked up. (The Uncle Ferdinand jokes were funny as hell tho)
I do hold firm onto the believethat the gods are sort of dicks tho. Like, honestly ? I'm surprised there wasn't a half blood revolution yet ! Those poor children are treated HORRIBLY by their parents ! Not to mention that they also gotta deal with all sorts of monsters just because they are the kids of that one specific god. Ngl if I was a demigod I'd be ready to straight up overthrow the gods.
Or atleast sue them for all the child neglect they did.
Like, damn there seems to be little to no resentment against the gods on the side of the kids besides Percy. How'd that happen ? Does Camp Halfblood just have really good therapists to deal with all that trauma and to keep the kids from going , idk, crazy ? Or do they just flood them with propaganda ????
Idk, just seems a bit weird to me how everyone seems to like the gods when so far most couldn't care less so far OR are doing the bare minimum.
The only thing more surprising to me than the fact that no one hates the gods, is how surprisingly well I can get on with the first-person POV ? Like, I JUST realized that. It's just THAT good. Normally I don't rly like first-person , but honestly this is the biggest expection so far ! Percy's POV is just hilarious.
Kinda nervous about his dreams tho, idk what to make of them..........
But also, OMFG GROVER WAS THE GUY WHO BROUGHT ANNABETH. Damn does every character have trauma here ? Poor lad.
On the topic of Grover tho, that whole backstory with Pan gives me BIG tingels for my traitor theories. When he went on his little rant about humanity and how they ruined nature, he very clearly called Percy human.
He sees Percy as part of a group he seemingly dislikes to atleast some degree.
Grover also has a sort of legacy he thinks he needs to fullfill ? With many (if not all) members of his family having been seekers.
Like, what if Pan IS actually dead ? Or atleast in the underworld, and that is why no seeker has ever returned ? Maybe Hades manages to get Grover to betray Percy by offering him Pan ? It is Grover's dream while also being very important to his entier species. It looks like a good motivation for me.
Otherwise I rly like the backstory for Grover we have so far. The author did a great job in fleshing him out tbh. He really went from a droky comic-relieve sort of guy to something..... honestly depressing.
I really wonder what happened to Pan. But I do think he's most likely dead or somewhere in the underworld, with Hades being the big bad it would think.
ANNABETH GOT A HINT TOO THO, during the Luke talk he did mention that you'd have to be invisible to get the Master Bolt. And the Athena Cabin already picked the side against Poseidon when the camp started to splitt. The motivation for her would still stay the same ofcourse, her godly parent.
Personally I do still favor Annabeth as traitor, but it could simply be that I just had the theory about her for longer. Honestly both have solid bases for it and I'd be interesting either way.
I'm about halfway done now, so I doubt a thrid character will be introduced now to be the traitor. If a new character IS introduced tho, they'd props be the prime suspect for me.
But also, thank you Luke for being one of the MOST reliable character in the story so far. Anytime you show off smth good happens for me (either entertainment or more hints for my theory).
BUT ALSO HIM CALLING ANNABETH HIS LITTLE SISTER ? ALKQOPÜREINA THAT'S SO CUTE LIKE ????? ugh ngl now I sort of hope it ISN'T Annabeth bc her betraying them would BREAK Luke's heart T-T. Just let them be happy, please. That's all I ask.
Let my fav big bro be happy. Please.
#please mark spoilers if you but them into replies/reposts so I can look away ^^#pjo percy#pjo book#pjo fandom#percy jackson#annabeth pjo#annabeth chase#grover pjo#grover underwood#luke castellan#Theories#pjo theory
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#😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#most important thing to ever happen to me actually....#the most changif thing to ever happen maybe... this lil worm has been my branding for so long so ☹️☹️☹️☹️ feels crazy#also this is not a dragon but GEHSJDKDJDKDJ whatever he says#i'm crying#i cant stop laughing 😭💗 i love him so much..#oh lol is this my first tp??? whack...#🐺 talks
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Danhausen posting a cropped & edited version of the merch design he drew up when he was gonna quit wrestling in 2018 has me terrified at 4:10am
#like obviously the most important thing is his wellbeing and he needs to do whatever he needs to do for that#I'll support him doing whatever is best for him#but oh man it sucks to think he feels bad enough about his situation that he's possibly considering quitting entirely#like I could be totally wrong or reading too far into this and to be honest I'd love to be wrong!!#I would love for him to not actually be stressed or displeased#this could be a work and I'd happily go ''oh ya got me good!!'' and just be glad everything was actually chill and I was just being a mark#but if this isn't a work then what the fuck is happening at aew right now#cause everything I've ever seen/heard has said how easy to work with Danhausen is#so what is happening behind the scenes to make someone like him so frustrated he feels he has to publicly air his grievances#AEW#Danhausen
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warning: olivia goes nuts !!!
today i learned: two of my bestest friends that i’ve known since kindergarten mildly dislike me and have been purposefully excluding me for months !!!! and apparently they didn’t enjoy going to my birthday party last year and they don’t like hanging out with me :) and that’s why we don’t hang out as a group anymore outside of school and that’s why i’m not invited to hang out with them when they go do fun stuff !! how nice !!
i was just talking to a diff friend (who doesn’t like either of those girls) and she goes “yeah, i know, i felt so bad when i saw how disinterested they were at ur birthday party.” and my immediate reaction was “wait… what ???” bc i rlly thought they enjoyed being there. i really thought they enjoyed being friends with me. why am i so dumb ?? why did i ever think things would get better ?? when did things change ??
#sounds stupid and ridiculous but bday parties are super important to me#every year i have a little sleepover party with my closest friends bc they’re literally the only friends i have#and i thought everything was going okay again#and for some reason i was stupid enough to believe that maybe i was quote on quote cool enough to hang out with them#and they constantly ditch me to go hang out w their guy friends n stuff#and like#that’s not an issue but i really wish that ppl would actually enjoy spending time w me#yknow ????#this shit happened in grade six and it’s happening again now#and we graduate next year#and i most likely won’t see them ever again/ for a rlly long time#i don’t want to end things like this#why can’t we all just go back in time and be 12 again#liv’s thoughts
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in therapy today i just talked about the dark urge and astarion and my therapist was elated about it. it was fantastic. “wow you’ve really been using this story and those characters to process things. that’s amazing!”
the era of being ashamed of my interests is over. it’s apparently Cool and Healthy to use fiction to cope. i wish i could tell fifteen year old me about this it would blow her mind
#she speaks#arctic plays bg3#bad brains blogging#you’re gonna have to pry SFF from my cold dead hands because ‘this creature is not human but nonetheless a person’ is THE most#important thing ever actually#i love taking my feelings and experiences and externalising and concretising them through metaphor#my favourite thing about astarion is how he both has literal cptsd AND metaphorically through his vampirism#that fucking rules#also shoutout to another thing therapist said today:#she was originally sceptical of my potentially having autism#then she was like ‘ok you have some traits but you’re probably not diagnosable’#then today she was like ‘you make so much sense when one thinks of you through the lense of autism’#amen sister i’ve been right there with you#but now i’m getting my second assessment soon! which won’t change anything about me i am and will be ‘tism-y regardless#but it’s going to be interesting to see what happens#also i told her about my WISC scores and she was like ‘jesus christ tell them to evaluate you for adhd too’ so uhhh#they already screened me for that and i believe i tested negative but let’s see#the WISC score was why i was even referred for an assessment so
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random vent(?) in the tags, feel free to ignore i just have a lot of pent up emotions to get out today apparently
#mar.txt#it's weird being aro(?) and yet also longing for a relationship. maybe its just bc almost all of my friends are in one#maybe it's bc of how easily jealous i get#maybe its the fact that i'm constantly being reminded that i am nobody's most important person. there's always someone more important.#maybe it's just the all-consuming，gaping hole of loneliness within me#idk.#i don't even know if i AM actually aro or if i'm just so demi that i may as well be aro or if ive just had so many bad experiences that it#feels impossible for me to feel romantic attraction#a few of my ocs (shara and the alatreon) are how i think i'd describe myself; aro，but willing to be in a relationship provided the other#person isn't bothered by them being aro，bc they have their own equivalent to romantic feelings#i know i'll never have one though. for all my confidence and whatnot i still very much am insecure about my own loveability. because the#only thing life has shown me is that i very much am not loveable. all the way back in first grade ppl were already using me instead of#actually caring#'dating' me to make someone else jealous. so they could have a drug buddie. a fuck buddie. so they could try to manipulate me into things#because i was a young teenager desperate for validation and to feel like i mattered and belonged and they were nearly adults who knew they#could exploit that. i'm surprised i never had anything happen to me beyond being pressured into trying chew tobacco (awful and disgusting)#and doing it every time i was around my 'boyfriend' and his friends#the only two genuine relationships i had didn't last either; one lost feelings after three years and the other just sorta stopped talking to#me and iirc eventually picked up a boyfriend that was actually local instead of long distance#i am not worthy of love. i will never be loved in the way that my friends are. hell i won't ever even find a qpp(?). and that makes me sad.#to know i will always be alone. that i'm destined to die alone. but it is what it is i guess. i just wish it didn't bother me so much.#i wish i could be content in my loneliness and not be jealous of everyone around me. i wish i could accept that i will never be anybody's#most important person. that the only person i can or will ever be the most important to is myself. self love，yeah? ha.#maybe 2024 will have something in store for me. god i hope it does. but i doubt it will. more of my friends will get into relationships，#those already in them will stay in them and/or take a step forward in their relationship. and i will remain alone. just as i always have.#anyways. sorry vent over i'm just. ugh. upset today. emotions are stupid and i want a refund on them. i did not ask to be saddled with the#burden of feeling such intense，suffocating displacement and loneliness. i did not ask to feel these negative emotions so strongly.#i just want to be someone's most important person. i just want to matter.
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do you have a favourite portrayal of a character in the gotg game!! who is it and why <3
Oh I think they're all great honestly!!! Part of why I love the game so much is that genuinely, the whole team + supporting characters are written with such obvious love of the source material and equal attention between them all. When I see comments of people saying who their favorite character was from the game and the answer always being different from each person I'm like!! That's how it SHOULD be!!! They're the Guardians of the Galaxy (plural) the focus shouldn't all fall on a singular character like most other GotG media usually ends up as 😭
The two (sorry I can't pick just one) whom I think benefit the most from the game though are Drax and Gamora because they're almost always sidelined both in-and-out of universe by most of the various writers (especially as of late) and in turn the viewers/readers. I've been told plenty of times that they're the most boring members of the "main" team, BUT IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THAT WAY! The amount of love the game versions get (by the few who've played it at least) proves that 🥺
I've never really liked 616 Drax shifting to being a complete clown during the 90s and such (and even less so when the MCU followed along 💀) So I appreciate the game taking a bit of his seriousness from the DnA run and just making him struggle with nuance and context clues in a less exaggerated way (autistic Drax I still believe in u) and I feel the focus put on him and how losing his original family + the aftermath deeply affected him hits pretty hard here because it's treated very seriously and shown in depth, especially with how his family (wife) gets actual focus. I cannot tell you anything about Yvette in comparison to Hovat, who actually seemed to have had a personality lol (AND she was on their village's council like omg imagine having more to you than just being The Housewife) Though I will say I flip and flop on my thoughts about Heather being disconnected from Drax's life in this universe... The TLDR is that I think his arc here specifically works stronger when he has to come to terms with losing his entire family and accepting the life he currently has with the Guardians. BUT!!! I very much appreciate that Heather is still confirmed to exist within this universe, even if that means her dad issues would have to be dealt with in a different context if we ever get to see her.
Also? Shoutout to the writers actually bringing up the intense paranoia that always kneecapped 616 Drax but having that be a turning point in his backstory here, with that conversation he has with Peter where he talks about how he was becoming so paranoid of everyone being a chitauri/Thanos conspirator to the point of literally turning into an obsessed maniac like Thanos, and realizing that he desperately needed to turn his life around, it's so ough.
Out of the already many great conversations throughout the game, I think the ones with him are the most poignant. My favorite scene in the whole game is Drax and Pete's little moment on Knowhere... makes me go wahhh
(l also love that out of everyone on the team, it's his headspace that we quite literally get to go into. You KNOW that if this was any other media it'd be going into Rocket or Groot's head and likely treated as a joke.)
And oh my god, Gamora...
I find it so extremely refreshing that her role in the plot doesn't revolve purely around the men in her life, and instead, it's nearly exclusively her connection with other women. Or in the most direct obstacle she has to deal with, being how she starts projecting to the millionth degree on Nikki's situation for reminding her of what happened to her and Nebula. I find that infinitely more fascinating as a reading of her character rather than just dating drama or her arc getting completely overtaken by a man's instead.
And especially in her friendship with Mantis, who, despite having all these futures she's constantly seeing and having to navigate, still makes time to do her best to help her 🥺 From saving her life and being the one who put her on the path to healing on Lamentis, to getting her to join the Guardians and still checking in on her when she's able 😭 Friendship between women can be so powerful... u love to see it (🏳️🌈)
I also find it nice that there's this emphasis on her recovering mentally, and the comparison between Thanos essentially teaching her to just Deal with the shit in her life through very simplistic meditation versus the priests of Pama actually teaching her something to help soothe the mind :^( and that she still has moments of relapsing essentially. I find that to be a realistic take on recovery because that's just part of the journey since healing is not linear... and I think it's very sweet that she finds comfort in collecting something ---girly--- like dolls. Love to see a person reclaim a part of their childhood that they weren't allowed to experience. And how she's allowed to make BAD JOKES?? Imagine a woman being written to have multiple dimensions, crazy and absolutely unthinkable, I know.
There's this extremely specific theme in relation to Gamora across media that's been rattling around in my brain since first playing the game. When near the end during the revisit to Knowhere, she's about to completely lose it when Peter tries talking -for- her on what she's so upset about before immediately shooting him down, and she explains what happened between her and Nebula and she starts crying. It really struck me right then that she's never given a moment to cry elsewhere (or in the 616's case, the quite literal inability to.) aside from her shedding a Single Manly Tear (Original Sin) or a single moment out of legit fear (MCU 💀) because she's a hashtag Strong Independant Woman who can't be vulnerable etc etc. But for her to cry in front of the people she's come to care about, It gives her a moment of true vulnerability that I don't think she's allowed ever in most other media.
That and all of the above hits hard and is what makes me genuinely believe that the writers cared about her in the narrative and tried to do right by her when every other bit of media really hasn't nor cared to the majority of the time since the 90s :'^/ Brings a tear to my eye that she's allowed to just... exist in the narrative on her own merits and not on what she can provide to someone else's story.
#lex thoughts#gotg thoughts#universe: eidos game#gotg2008#sorry for asking for a question then immediately disappearing for a month 💔 I'm on the most stressful roadtrip ever#i 🫶 you for asking about them though the Eidos gotg are my everything and i won't shut up about them if given the chance#very funny to me that all these important moments happen on Knowhere. Strange things can happen at the end of the universe.#The end page of W&tIW 09 is the only other Gamora moment of vulnerability across media that i can specifically pinpoint#But it's more self reflection in a way of a heavily traumatic experience that I don't feel ever truly got resolved within the 616 IMO#And I find it a specific point to be made when Gamora is/isn't allowed to feel or literally denied things that are stereotypically-#-categorized as -feminine- (which is dumb to assign gender roles to a simple human emotion such as CRYING.-#-But you get what I mean I hope) We play fast and loose with gender around here pardner I think all of the gotg should cry more#but in Gamora's case specifically it Hits Different knowing her past and treatment throughout media#i could also heavily go into the way the game adapts Peter's character in relation to his element guns but that's an essay for another time#just because -i- find that extremely fascinating doesn't mean i think he should particularly be the main focus (and he isnt)#bc pete rocket and groot are the ones that already get all the attention (even if i dont agree with how they're written elsewhere)#i just find it more engaging for the other two main characters of the team that always get sidelined by the writers actually being put in-#-the spotlight with equal attention given to them for once to be sooo -shakes fist#sorry for the intense word salad i hope i make sense lol ESSAY/RANT OVER .🤐
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So when I've been complaining about even fanfiction not being romantic enough, part of what I mean by that is that people take huge, gothic characters in pairings with gigantic, dramatic stakes full of titanic emotions and then make them feel small and mundane. Stripping the very romanicism from the bones of the romance.
There are many things that are deeply appealing to me about B&tB pairings or 'unlikely' pairings or Gothic romance in general, but something that is less structural while still being absolutely key is that it's not an easy relationship to get the characters into. It's not something that would happen under ordinary circumstances for either person. It's not a bond that can be forged without some form of pressure preventing these people from continuing in their regular patterns.
If you're writing an E/C fic where you start from scratch, the moment they so much as touch for the first time should be absolutely show-stoppingly prodigious. It can never be casual, not between these two, the idea of a touch being allowed should be an Event. The reader's heart should be thundering in their chest, the suspense should be palpable, the consummation divine. A single touch is a consummation for them, there should be that much tension. If they hold hands and I'm not holding my breath, you have done it wrong. The first kiss should feel like an atom bomb going off, the world should shift on its axis, a line is being crossed which has left both characters forever altered.
And people will instead write them like a standard romance novel couple who make standard pervy comments in the narration, get a bit flirty, casually hook up and then weigh pros and cons about whether dating fits into their life plans or not. All of this being totally without weight, without feeling like any kind of Rubicon has been crossed or that it's significant for the characters to have entered into something which must foundationally alter their worldview.
Reylo brushing fingers across the galaxy and it being the turning point of the entire narrative, given the same majesty and mystical significance as Luke's vision in the cave or Yoda lifting the X-Wing is the exact correct amount of emphasis for them reaching towards each other in tenderness. You have a character defined by abandonment and loneliness and a character who is surrounded by people but never touched, both unseen by anyone else, both aching for connection, both never having felt anything like this before, both aware of the galaxy-spanning consequences of what they're feeling. Them touching is le big deal.
The kiss for the B&tB pairing, the EtL pairing, any Gothic pairing has to feel out of reach, a chasm that cannot be crossed- until it happens, impossible yet inevitable. Something the characters could never have conceived of taking place at the beginning of the story, an infinite abyss of which they have somehow found themselves on the other side. You have to do the work to get them there, you have to build that bridge stone by stone, and it should be a sublime agony of seeing the path take shape while it still feels like the gap is just unbridgable, that no matter how close you come, it will never be complete, they can never get all the way across. Until they do.
If you write characters who have (or should have) that kind of vast gulf separating them as just kind of falling into an intimacy which isn't earned and thus means nothing, I just have no idea why we're here. Why buy a giant gothic castle of romanticism and then bulldoze it to build a minimalist condo? Everything about the pairing that makes it that pairing is stripped away. If these were people who could just meet at a party and end up in bed, they would be completely different people.
#taking something epic and portentous#reducing it to a casual instant attraction they sort of casually and impulsively act on like it's ordering a coffee levels of important#and then it's all 'well maybe there's ~something there~ whatever tho don't think it matters or anything' while they're going on caj dates'#and ends with 'it's pretty good I guess we're compatible maybe we'll get married eventually'#LIKE#why#why are people so boring#if it is not love of the most exquisite kind#the far far better thing you do than you have ever done#these people would never go through the bullshit of being with their enemy/a pariah/a difficult Beast/etc.#sshg stories where they're casual actually pain me#it CAN'T be casual it's NOT a casual attraction if they were under normal circumstances it would NEVER happen#SOME THINGS HAVE TO BE FORGED IN FIRE OKAY?#the chasm which has to be crossed for it to happen is what makes it so satisfying my guy#WORK FOR IT#don't get me wrong I like low key ships as well but it's just a fundamentally different thing and some characters#absolutely cannot be plugged into a low key dynamic#Erik categorically cannot be a standard mundane love interest about whom one can be casual#he has never had a casual relationship with literally anything#he is intense about everything he does#this is what makes him wonderful#if you don't want to deal with his dramatic virgin antics then you don't want to write about him#and that's fine! but it means THEN DON'T#writing#romance#tropes
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#yo. my sister came out to our mom yesterday which is something i NEVER thought would happen bc um. religious parents and all that#and it actually went super well????#her response was instantly 'i love you unconditionally and god does too'#and she didn't condemn her at all and even said her most important callings are to serve god and love her children#which is like.............actual fucking christianity. holy shit.#and i really do think so much of this is due to the cancer...like it really put things into perspective for her.#she realized what's actually important in life#so my sister did this at the perfect time bc she was ready to say it and my mom was ready to hear it#and due to personal reasons i will NOT be following suit lmao but it's really nice to know#that if i ever /did/ come out my mom would still love me#i mean she ain't gonna be at the pride parade waving some bi flags around lmao but at least we know she accepts it and doesn't condemn#which is huge and totally enough for me tbh#esp after a lifetime of terror and wondering if i'd lose everything#anyways. yeah. fuck. WHO KNEW
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frankly i like the things i learned while making this more than the result itself and i wasnt really sure i even wanted to post it in part due to that but if i do keep iterating on the process i used during it, i feel this is valuable context
oh also before i forget: the sketch was done using this brush instead of the one i made earlier
#my art#medibang paint#hades game#for those of you who saw my last art for this game: i am much further along than i was before. i saw the credits 👍#anyways... i dont like how i drew his face really. like For him. shape is all wrong. still struggle with lips from angles like this#but i really like my coloring here. polyline tool you are my best friend forever and ever#but im also trying to not make most of my art on my phone like ive been doing lately bc it wreaks havoc on my spine and hands and like.#those things are pretty important. but the siren song of 'oooo its meeee firealpaca but Portable' is nigh irrestible to me#it is a very specific form of hell i think. alas. also what the fuck is with my diction lol#<- the effects of posting on a whim at 11pm instead of giving myself time to think about the post without also being about to go to sleep#would say 'cant believe im stuck just drawing guys facing to the left if i want to actually get anything done' but its been happening#for long enough that ive accepted it as a small rut ill hopefully be out of soon. gotta get on my gesture drawing grind
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ohhhh this is a bad idea. i should really not be doing this
#my writing is the most important thing in my life to me#historically... uploading new fic chapters while i'm hormonal and in pain and cranky has never ever gone well#i just get in my own head abt how it's bad or whatever and then i have a crisis#BUT... i haven't posted since the beginning of the month and chapter 3 is finally done and jhfdjksjhdf#nothing even HAPPENS in chapter 3 and i'm also really unsure about chapter 4 and what if it's all garbage actually and#ah i see the crisis is already starting#hmm. bad!#posts by me
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