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#more than the majority of any other decade's music

imsobadatnicknames2 · 8 months

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Gonna be honest it's legitimately depressing that AI art discourse made it socially acceptable to openly, vocally support stricter copyright laws even among people in fandom spaces that have spent decades using past victories against copyright law overreach to prop fandom up as a bastion of creative freedom.

Like. People can act glib and treat it as a "lesser of two evils" "bite each other's dicks off" "i don't want copyright to win I just want AI art to lose" kind of thing all they want, but the fact is you just have to take a look at the state of copyright law in the music world to see that the cure you're asking for is deadlier than the disease. A lot of people are operating under the fantasy that any strenghtening of copyright law is gonna be used against AI data scraping and nothing else, but it very obviously won't, and the sad truth is that if you're someone who primarily does fanarts and/or fanfic (which is the vast majority of artists here on tumblr), giving media companies the chance to make copyright law stricter is gonna do way more damage to you as an artist than AI art currently does.

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fanby-fckry · 21 days

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You know what, I’m just gonna say it. I think that Alastor being aroace is part of the reason he’s so shippable to me.

Before you come at me, check the flag in my pfp; I’m aroace-spec.

Maybe it’s me projecting, maybe it’s because I love exploring relationships through an aroace lens, but goddamn. I ship him more than any other character and every time I do, his aroaceness is a major component in the ship.

Examples below the cut because it’s gonna get long:

📻🍎 || RadioApple:

There are so many versions of this dynamic and I am here for all of them.

We have the pre-canon kinky QPR that I show in UH3. I could talk about that all day, but to summarize:

Aroace x genuinely respectful allo is a dynamic that heals my soul.

Lucifer is less tied down by human constructs like amatonormativity, having never been human himself.

The Devil values consent.

Kinky cannibalism, kinky cannibalism, kinky cannibalism, kinky ca- *I am removed from the stage with a comically large hook*

Then we have the Evil and fucked up QPR dynamic:

And of course, trying to get along for Charlie’s sake and eventually bonding over their shared love of dad jokes and musical theatre, both being violinists (yup, Alastor plays violin too, check the wiki) with niche hobbies/interests (ducks, furby organ) and accidentally winding up in a loving, healthy QPR.

📻🕸️ || RadioDust:

There’s something about an aroace and a sex worker who very rarely falls in love.

Angel would know that Alastor isn’t with him for sex, would know that he values Angel beyond his body.

With greyro Alastor, Angel and Alastor would both be inexperienced with romance, but in wildly different ways. Angel has never had a healthy romantic relationship and therefor tries not to fall in love. Greyro Alastor has probably experienced romantic attraction like less than three times in his 100+ years of existence.

And if Alastor never gains romantic attraction for Angel, that’s a whole other level to the dynamic.

It’s got some great angst potential with Angel wondering if he’s not good enough to love romantically or Alastor feeling guilty or confused as to Why It Hasn’t Happened Yet when he cares for Angel so deeply, and eventually it gets resolved with the two of them accepting that their attractions don’t have to match up for them to love/appreciate/care for each other and they smash the amatonormative relationship hierarchy as queer platonic partners.

Or, Angel’s just totally cool with it from the start because he’s spent decades in the kink scene and has potentially been exposed to more relationship anarchy than Alastor.

Kink and queerness have a great deal of historical and cultural overlap, and that includes aroace queerness. Because Angel’s had way more canon exposure to both, it’s possible he knows more about Alastor’s orientation than Alastor does, and I love the idea of Angel introducing him to terms or just being super chill about not labeling things.

📻♥️ || RadioHusk:

Drawing like 90% from pilot dynamic and headcanon on this. They’re just two old men. They get drunk and cuddle. Alastor is one of the few people who knows Husk can purr and takes advantage of this fact. Alastor considers Husk a friend in a fucked up, possessive way. Husk considers Alastor a pain in the ass, but does care about him on some level.

It’s Fucked Up and Evil QPR: Remix Edition.

And the versions where the author puts them through fanfic couple’s therapy and actually gets them into a healthy point in their relationship? One where Alastor no longer owns Husk’s Soul? *chef’s kiss*

📻🌹 || RadioRose:

For me, personally, this is an exclusively nonsexual, non-romantic ship. They’re besties; they’re QPPs. They’re married for the tax benefits and so that they cannot be forced to testify against each other in court.

Rosie knew Alastor was aroace before he did and rather than sit down and explain it to him, she decided to make ace puns.

📻💋 || RadioSiren: [edit, context here] RadioFemme

Ok, so this is entirely based on non-canon-compliant Lilith. Or, I guess, non-series-compliant Lilith. More of the old WOG stuff from the pilot era, with a healthy dose of headcanon for flavor.

I love the idea of Lilith and Lucifer having an open marriage; I love the UH3 style polycule dynamic.

Lilith being the original seductress and Alastor being aesthetically but not sexually or romantically attracted to her is very near and dear to my heart.

I’m an aroace with a voice kink who is aesthetically attracted to Lilith and I think Alastor is an aroace with a voice kink who would be aesthetically attracted to Lilith, ok?

📻📺 || RadioStatic:

I’m gonna be real with you, 90% of my interest in RadioStatic is in the one-sided version where Vox is a pathetic little incel simp and Alastor is either oblivious, mildly annoyed, or finds the whole thing hilarious.

Whenever there’s any reciprocation on Alastor’s part, I always imagine it being in a very aroace, very Alastor-esque way. He needs to be get something out of it completely unrelated to sex/romance. And he needs to be manipulative and sadistic in the process.

Whether that something is kink-related, a business transaction, or simply the quality entertainment provided by Vox being a cringefail TV-headed little bitch, I love to see it.

#hazbin hotel #alastor #radioapple #radiodust #radiohusk #radiorose #radiofemme #radiostatic #onewaybroadcast #fanby’s fuckery #osha violation #suggestive

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dekusleftsock · 2 months

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This is your hazbin hotel warning so sorry 🫶🫶🫶

OKAY SO, a thing I haven’t seen this fandom consider is that Alastor doesn’t deal in souls. Or, not often at least.

If there has I’d honestly like to see the posts bc this is a thought I’ve seen basically just me and my sister talk about. He doesn’t care—I’d even argue he thinks he’s too good to do so, thinks it’s too easy.

There’s a couple reasons I believe this, one of which being his backstory arriving in hell. Let it be known, the reason all of hell was impressed by his takeover as the radio demon was solely because he does not own any industry. He doesn’t have some company he’s been building for several decades. He didn’t join in with other overlords for shared power. He arrived in hell, and disrupted the power structure of overlords, and sinners. (We’ll get back to this later)

And the reason all of these overlords own major industries, famous for their insane production value and craft, is because the way that overlords gain power is through souls. Employment therefore being THROUGH these contracts (I’m going to refer to deals having to do with souls as contracts from now on, just to make a distinction). This is why Angel is owned by Valentino as a pornstar. It’s why Vox can just “call up the lowest earners this month” for Valentino to shoot for sport. It’s why Velvette can call her models hideous and let Valentino tear apart her best model. None of these souls, these employees, have any say in what or when or who their employers say they have to do. They simply do not have the autonomy to do so.

Now this calls in the question then, how did Alastor gain his overlord powers? If he owns souls, they are either ones he was given or earned from other overlords (ex, Alastor wins all of husker’s souls in a game of poker, leaving him powerless, and making his deal in the first place), or they were given to him by an overlord themself. Alastor CAN make souls stay at the hotel, but presumably, it’s not because he owns them.

If Alastor owned any other souls than Nifty and Husk’s, they would already be working at the hotel. We get back to that employment dynamic, contracts are means of living. None of these sinners had a choice because sinners have to make contracts to live.

Now, okay, we’ve established why Alastor’s overlord status is confusing and honestly makes no sense, why overlords are even overlords in the first place, the class metaphor and dynamic of the whole situation, AND why we know Alastor doesn’t own that many souls.

Now, I present you this: Alastor does not want Charlie’s soul. Alastor, wants to be rid of the overlord class completely.

LET ME PREFACE THIS BY SAYING: I KNOW The current ideas in the fandom of Alastor are that he wants more power. But, to be honest, the last scene with his character feels disingenuous to this idea.

Clearly, he’s in a deal with someone else. Clearly, this system has affected him too. Clearly, he just wants an out in the first place.

So, let’s go back to when Alastor first arrives in hell. Mimzy narrates how people dismissed him. How he wasn’t taken seriously. And then, proceeds to imply that targeting overlords for his radio show was to show said strength. Because Alastor was not someone to be dismissed.

And this characterization furthers in the episode itself: Alastor immediately has some beef with Lucifer because he’s a far more powerful being who wanted to dismiss his presence in the first place, preferring his daughter. Where they then have a pissing contest musical number, and Alastor generally dislikes him afterwords. My man even wipes his hand on his shirt after shaking his staff.

Not only that, but when Husk even IMPLIES that he’s not strong enough to handle whatever Mimzy has gotten herself into this time, that he’s still someone on a leash, he rampages on a killing spree to prove that he’s “still the baddass radio demon”.

This isn’t even mentioning when Carmilla said she wasn’t curious as to why he was gone. He needs to be important, to be noticed.

I understand that Alastor is genuinely someone who must prove themself and show their strength. It’s probably why he became a serial killer in the first place.

However, I think there’s a deeper intention with solely targeting overlords—one of his only contracts is with Husker, an ex overlord. The question would also be, why would he not put husk in his radio show as well?

Clearly, based on the fact that he warns him that Mimzy is just using him, that she’s a fake friend, they at the very least were amicable with each other. At some point. Maybe even still are. They STILL banter. And this isn’t to say it’s some weird “I’m in love with my kidnapper uwu” situation, this happened well before they were in a contract together in the first place.

Not only that, but Husker earned his souls, and therefore his power and overlord status, through gambling. He didn’t have some big scary industry, he wasn’t trapping people in these forever deals because they had no choice, he gained these through the unethical means of others. Maybe… Alastor believed that the ways in which he dealt souls, were different.

I can’t help but think that the company entirely surrounding taking away consent is the ONE COMPANY/THREE OVERLORDS that Alastor simply does not fuck with.

Not only that, but the only other overlord he’s friendly with is one that… just genuinely helps the people she employs? Just give them advice? Makes it THEIR CHOICE to march with someone else into battle? I love Rosie.

This isn’t to say Alastor is some saint that cares super oober deeply about consent. He doesn’t. If he did he wouldn’t be associating with overlords in the first place. He wouldn’t be taking advantage of people in such lowly positions.

All of this is to build the argument that Alastor does not own souls, nor associate with people who own them in irresponsible or unnecessarily cruel ways.

And, to further this point, Alastor most likely thinks it’s stupid in the first place.

In the pilot (which I understand isn’t COMPLETELY canon but it’s still Alastor’s character so. Whatever) Alastor almost immediately tries to jump Charlie with a deal. Work at the hotel, in exchange…?

But notice that this does not include ownership of her soul. At all.

In episode 7 before Charlie makes her deal, she asks, “You want…my soul?” And while he has this weird radio-y affect that goes all over the place while he says “your soul”, he also immediately replies in the most babying voice ever “Heavens no!” Like the very idea of needing her soul was silly. Ridiculous. Idiotic.

And, not only this, but when Vaggie bursts in to try and “save” her, he also rolls his eyes as he says “oh relax, she still owns her soul.” Again, babying. Infantilizing. Ridiculous.

It, again, feels like he doesn’t take the concept seriously. Like he thinks they’re almost too easy. To me, it’s clear he never wanted her soul. He’s always been far more interested in what Charlie can do for him, and what she can do with her dream.

Owning Charlie’s soul would simply give power over her, and her alone. Even in the interpretation that he “wants more power” she’s still just one person, one soul, one hell born. It’s so small inmemorable in the grand scheme of things. If he really wanted power through means of souls, he would fight the upward battle of capitalist destruction that is the overlord monetary system.

SO THIS IS ALL OVER THE PLACE, AND I ALSO WANTED TO WRAP THIS UP WITH ALASTOR’S TRUE MOTIVATION BEING DISRUPTING POWER—but this is also far too long and I’ve been writing for like. An hour straight lmao. I need a break and I wanna post this. So.

#alastor #literary analysis #hazbin hotel #hazbin spoilers #hazbin alastor #alastor analysis #hazbin hotel husk #no shipping sorry y’all love ya tho🫶🫶#hazbin charlie

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ohsalome · 1 year

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And I am once again reminding you that for centuries, Ukraine wasn't given its own voice in the world discourse. Our history, politics, culture were written by the people who colonised us and benefited from convincing the world (and us!) of a distorted picture. A good majority of information in English language that exists about Ukraine, that you believe to be the default knowledge of the world, is such distorted information. Because that is how russian propaganda work. They take a snippet of truth and blow it out of proportion and add a bouquet of lies to it and repeat it many-many times until you think that it is just basic information about the world that everyone knows.

No, Ukraine is not run by nazi. Ukraine has a non-zero percent of nazi population that is marginalized out of politics because their rhetoric is not relatable to the majority of the electorate, which leans towards socialistic populism and anarchism.

No, ukraine is not "brotherly nation" with russia. Antropoligically we belong to the same slavic family of nations that includes many other eastern europeans like czechs, polish, moldovan etc. There is no reason to select russians, belorussians and ukrainians into a distinct category that isn't political. The idea of "three brotherly nations" was literally created by a theologist Theofan Prokopovych as a part of philosophical justification to russian imperialism in the 19th century meaning of the word.

No, DNR and LNR are not "people's republics". They were created by russian army, run by the russian army and following the orders from the kremlin. Russis spent decades trying to create a dissident movement in the eastern Ukraine but failed and stepped down to brute force. Everything you see in the southern Ukraine now has happened in the east in 2014. The only difference is that y'all swallowed russian lies back then.

No, Crimea didn't have a "referendum to join russia". Russian soldiers occupied the peninsula, forced the politicians under the gunpoint to announce the referendum, and made sure that the results would be the ones they like. The native population of the peninsula, crimean tatars, that had been twice genocided by the russians in the past, boycotted the referendum. Despite making up only ~12% of the population, crimean tatar rallies were much more numerous than those of the russians in Crimea. The people who "supported" the "return of Crimea" were russian nationals, who moved to the peninsula after the ethnic cleansing of the native population and proclaimed that "it has always been theirs".

No, Ukraine doesn't have a "government-run kill list". Myrotvorets is (1) run by the volunteers, not the government, (2) is a database of pro-russian propagandists, and (3) hardly anyone on that database has been killed so far. FFS, our current first lady used to be in this database.

No, Ukraine didn't ban russian language. Ukraine has implemented laws that would help ukrainian book, music, film industry survive the competition with russian industry that has for many years monopolised our market. Ukraine has implemented the law that our politicians need to know ukrainian language if they want to hold office (this will sound surreal, but many didn't. Can you imagine such scenario in any other country? A spanish minister that doesn't speak spanish?). Ukraine has implemented a law that websites, advertisements published in foreign languages need to have the information accessible in ukrainian as well Ukraine has implemented laws that state that ukrainian citizens have a right to governmental service in Ukrainian. And if you bothered to open the law you criticise at least ONCE, you would have seen that every article has a clarification "the communication can happen in any language as long as both parties consent, but if the consumer requests to be served in ukrainian, the provider is obligated to respond to them in ukrainian".

No, Ukraine doesn't use the war as an excuse to repress the political opposition. The only people that have been "repressed" are the ones who have been colluding with ruZzia and have helped in organising the invasion of Ukraine. FFS one of those "poor oppositioners" is literally putin's godfather, and another visits russian tv channels agitating russians to nuke Kyiv. The proof against them is overwhelming and well-documented, and ukrainian civil society has been pressuring our government to stop them for literal years. Even today, many russian agents remain in governmental structures.

No, Euromaidan was not a "coup". It was a response of civil society to the police brutality and usurpation of power. We do not need white saviours to tell us that being beat up at peaceful protests is bad. We have enough agency to understand this without external help.

It's almost a year of this war. It's high time for people to stop spreading russian propaganda, especially if they claim to support Ukraine. I am yet to see a "both sides are wrong" argument that wasn't based on russian propaganda.

#ukraine #war in ukraine #russia #russian invasion of ukraine #politics #russo ukrainian war #russian propaganda

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blade-that-was-broken · 22 days

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Soldier On

Getting that call felt like a nightmare.

Bruce owned a small resort on one of the islands in the state of Hawaii, running it with his wife, Brandy with their gaggle of kids roaming around. He was content where his life was and where he ended up. Good weather, great wife, a few kids. He didn't think he could want anything more. Well, granted, he wishes he had a better relationship with his brothers.

He left home practically the moment he turned eighteen. After his parent's divorce when he was about thirteen, things got difficult. They spent a lot of time with their grandmother and Bruce just could not wait to get out. His biggest regret was leaving his brothers behind with their mother. Their father had cut off all contact. Either that or their mother had. It didn't matter.

Floyd wrote letters but that was the majority of their contact. He started some kind of music career and seemed to be doing pretty well with himself.

Clay was in college, working on a Master's degree or something. Bruce wasn't entirely sure. Clay wasn't on speaking terms with him at all, feeling abandoned when Bruce fled the moment he could.

And Branch? Well, Bruce hadn't really heard from Branch since the youngest had moved in with Grandma. He'd have to be 16 or 17 now. Almost an adult. Almost ready to do whatever he wanted with his life. Bruce had no idea what that was.

And then there was John Dory, the forgotten one. He had been about fifteen when their parents divorced and their father took him in said divorce. They never heard from him again.

It was in the middle of the day when got the call. "Is this Bruce...."

"Yes?"

"This is LA Military Hospital. Are you related to a... John Dory?"

He hadn't heard that name in years.

Decades, even.

"He's... he's my brother."

"We haven't been able to find any contacts. We are glad to reach you. There is some news I have to tell you."

She had to tell him over the phone. Turned out, John had joined the military many years ago but recently had been severely injured in an explosion overseas. She didn't expand on the shape he was in but apparently soon he would be released and he had no where to go. Not that he would have argued but Brandy was with him when he was told and she told him to get him and bring him home immediately. She booked him a couple of tickets - one for him and the other for John - and told him to get him.

He wasn't sure if he had even mentioned John to her. He must have, right? Bruce had been thirteen the last time he saw JD. He didn't know what to expect.

He didn't expect to walk into a physical therapy center and having to ask which one of the severely injured men there was John Dory. He couldn't even recognize his own brother. He didn't expect to be shown the area and he didn't expect to see his brothers struggling to walk with only one leg. He didn't expect the all the bandages or the newly shaved head or the scar on his face.

"Sugar and cupcakes," John hissed in pain.

Oh yeah, that was JD.

The therapist he was with looked amused. "You have to be my only patient I have never heard swear."

"Force of habit, I guess... or nostalgia. Take your pick," John grunted.

"You must be pretty popular with parents."

"Their kids find it hilarious," John managed snarky grin. "Probably corrupted a few."

"You're doing great, John," the therapist smiled. "You are making a lot of progress."

"Maybe I should slow down then," he joked. "The sooner I can walk, the sooner I get kicked out on the streets."

"You don't have any family?"

"Tried finding them when I turned eighteen. Turns out, I'm no detective and finding cut off family can be harder than it looks."

"JD," Bruce called.

John's shoulders tensed. "I told you Mouth, not to call me that. Only my br..." he snapped, turning around. He paused and blinked, staring at Bruce.

"I know I look different than that 13-year old you used to know," Bruce started, awkwardly. "But uhm... the hospital found me? I guess? It's..."

"Bruce," John exhaled, staring at him.

"Yeah, JD," Bruce nodded. "It's me. Been a long time huh?"

#wrote this during work #idk why #human au #soldier on au #John Dory #John Dory trolls #trolls john dory #Bruce trolls

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pop-punklouis · 5 months

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I feel it's not fair at all, poppunk is not my type, On the other hand, I love Louis's voice in 1d songs, and back to you , and couple songs from walls album. And that's it, I don't have anything new to listen to from him. I know this is my problem and my musical taste and it's not Louis's fault. But come on do something like back to you that more people loved it, what's wrong with that? If we want to be logical pop punk has its own fans but they are in the minority.

I know his prejudice fans always says, that's fine, he'll be fine, don't worry about him, let Louis be for us, we don't want to share him, becoming number one is not his goal, but isn't it? Wasn't he happy when he was number one in the UK? I know the fans made it , but it's not like Louis said I'd be upset if I became number one and I don't want it and I refuse to accept it.

He says he doesn't care about commercial success, but who wouldn't want that. When you have the ability and talent, what's wrong with using it and singing a song that will bring everyone's attention to you? I really don't understand why Louis doesn't want to sing something that is popular with the majority of society?

1) this is such a weirdly self-serving ask of an artist like: “create music i want to listen to. if not, i cant listen to it and you’re not going to be successful.” perhaps, louis isn’t making music for you but for himself and if that isn’t for you, that’s fine. but that doesn’t mean he isn’t successful…..?

2) louis made mainstream pop music with one direction for five years. and tried his own hand at it for the first half of his solo career. he’d been in that world for a decade. and for his solo career, it wasn’t really that successful. and most importantly he wasn’t happy??

3) louis has made it abundantly clear that he didn’t want to make pop music. that his heart belonged in the indie rock/pop-punk scene. and always has. there’s been remnants of that in his style, his interests, and some of his music for years. he’s given countless interviews and talked himself about the pressure that was put on him to dress up as someone he wasn’t with these major record labels. to hide his accent. to create radio friendly music. to be a puppet on a string for them. he wasted years of his career dealing with that pressure and those contracts.

4) FITF, an album that was created as the most authentic body of work he’s released yet, is what got him the number one. it wasn’t walls. it wasn’t any of the strictly EDM work he released. it was FITF. it was an album that featured the sound that he loves and wants to strive towards going forward. it was louis clear vision babe.

5) louis has seen a growth in his career and his venue sizes that is exponential in just one year. and this isn’t because he’s releasing mainstream pop music. it’s because he’s being authentically him. his music is better. his tour is bigger. his presence is brighter. it’s gravitating so much good his way because of the content he’s creating and how it’s translating to his crowds and him as an artist. he’s a much more confident person than he was just a couple years ago. he’s a much more self-assured person.

6) FITF is part of the reason he’s being booked for these festivals now. it allowed him the growth in his fanbase and live shows to attract fests. if he was still creating music like Walls, i’m not sure if it would be shaking out the same way. and with how his music sounds now, it is open to attracting new fans especially in these big festival settings. most of the songs from walls don’t have the capacity to do that. and that’s just the reality.

7) there isnt just one metric of success. success has many different forms. numbers and charts aren’t the only way to succeed. and louis has lived in that world of success. he’s done all of those things. he’s hit those milestones. they feel good, but they aren’t a driving force behind why he does what he does. he does what he’s doing now because he’s finally being able to show who he is sonically. who he is as a lyricist. who he wants to continue growing into going forward in his career. he’s succeeding through his own journey in the industry. and he’s doing a damn good job controlling that for himself.

8) there’s nothing wrong with pop music. i love pop music. there’s a reason why pop music is popular. but asking your favorite artist to reshape who they’ve steadily been building themselves to be all because you don’t like the sound and you think they need to follow a one-dimensional version of success is….. sad lmao he has worked so hard to be where he is. to feel authentic in the music he’s putting out. and for someone to be like “um anyways i don’t like this. go back to what you were trying so hard to not be. i liked your music better that way” is just ????

9) indie-rock isn’t unsuccessful. it isn’t dead. it’s very alive and successful. genres don’t have to be pop or mainstream to be successful. give music much more credit than that, please.

#grey #i had time today i guess djdkdk #but this ask just. frustrated me

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cafeseoulmate · 1 year

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Why We (Don’t) Work

i'm okay with being by your side for as long as i can hide what if i told you that i've fallen?

featuring: music major!beomgyu x fine arts major!gn!reader

genre: fluff, angst, childhood best friends to lovers, neighbors to lovers au, idiots to lovers au, high school au, college au, band au, hurt/comfort, slice of life, slowburn, mutual pining, 5+1 & nonlinear format

wc: 13k

warnings and other notes: cursing, alcohol consumption, reader is implied bi/pan, two jokes about murder, mention of the flu, brief mention of making out, cliches, inaccurate portrayal of a painting & sculpture double major, idk where this was going tbh

I. WE'VE BEEN FRIENDS FOR TOO LONG

The idea of friends eventually becoming lovers, especially those who have known each other for a long time, is okay in your opinion. In theory, the principle of falling in love with someone whom you've previously built a relationship with is not that great but not that awful either.

It's reasonable, practical and natural even in many situations. You would know from the amount of friends you've watched over the years who only started seeing each other romantically after a few years of getting to know and being comfortable around each other platonically.

You just figure that it's not for you and Choi Beomgyu, the nuisance who's been affectionately stuck to your hip since your days at the neighborhood playground.

For starters, you've known him for far too long. Not that love is supposed to have an expiration date, it's just that most people who start off friends—like your college friends Yeji and Ryujin who started dating before your junior year—usually take less than a decade, and that is really pushing it in your humble opinion.

Beomgyu's known you since the time you were sporting bowl cuts your mom fashioned with your kitchen scissors, probably and unconsciously even longer than that given that your respective moms have also been close friends since you were toddlers. You've pushed each other at the swings and the slides more than any of your other childhood friends, have gone to the same schools together spent most of your non-holidays with each other since kindergarten, and even live in the same university dorm at the present.

You both had almost 16 years to bring up anything remotely close to romantic feelings with each other and the closest to romantic-leaning affection that you got from him was the time he gave you a bouquet of roses, and he didn't even buy it for you originally.

It was in your 10th grade, when Valentine's Day gifts have finally reached normal status among the consciousness of your teen peers. Since Halloween, Beomgyu had been saving up his money to buy Yeeun from Class 4 a bouquet of roses—bribing you to pay for his lunch two out of five days in the week, singing and dancing his ass off at his family's Christmas and Lunar New Year parties for money, and working the afternoon shift at the neighborhood guitar store—only to chicken out at the last minute because Jaehyun from Class 6 had asked Yeeun to be his girlfriend in a very public proposal at the soccer field.

In a small class reunion last Christmas, Taehyun had asked about the whole ordeal, supported by the drunk cheerings of your former classmates at the memory of Beomgyu handing you the abnormally large bouquet by the school gate during dismissal almost five years ago.

"What else do you want to know about that?" You asked with a frown, feeling light-headed from all the barbecue and soju yourself. It was finals week for most of you as well, somehow making all the shots of peach-flavored alcohol taste sweeter and the stories bitterer. "You all know how it went: Gyu chickened out and didn't want to waste his hard-earned money on a girl who got a boyfriend that same day so he gave it to me before we went home."

"You also gave me half of the money to buy it! That's also an important detail!" Beomgyu slurred out to your right, leaning his head on your arm with a giggle and making you roll your eyes. "I thought, 'ya, this person bought me lunch for three months they kind of bought this bouquet so I'll just give it to them. That's only fair!'"

Yunjin raised a finger this time, as if making a shushing motion in the air as she took a long sip of her soju bottle across the table. "Okay but!" She exclaimed after slamming her bottle down, momentarily covering her mouth as she hiccuped before continuing. "You...you could've just gave it to your mom or something!"

"Auntie's allergic to flowers." You pointed out. "My dad also forgot to buy my mom flowers that time so I gave it to him when I got home. I technically saved two lives that day.”

"So it didn't spark anything?" Jeongin pointed to you then to Beomgyu who was contemplating on falling asleep on you by that point, clearly uninterested in this conversation you've had with the rest of the world a million times already. "Not even a little bit?"

Of course there were times over the years, at least on your part—moments where Beomgyu spent an hour too long in your childhood home when he just told you that his parents wanted him to come home at a certain time, filled a day with questionably sweet gestures only to bribe you with trouble after, or comforted you too well in your darkest moments among others that made your heart flutter more than it's supposed to.

You never told anyone about how on that day, you plucked out a single rose from the bouquet before secretly handing it to your dad as he cooked a quick Valentine's Day dinner for your mom. There was no denying that, even if he gave it to you under pitiful circumstances, it was still a sweet gesture. After Yeeun, he thought of giving it to you, the next immediate person and his best friend.

The red rose drank fresh water by your windowsill for three days until Beomgyu invited himself over for a cram session when you ended up hiding the flower shamefully under your bed and convincing yourself that you were just momentarily blinded by the principle of the gesture.

Though it accidentally wilted after you've forgotten about it amidst your busy high school schedule, you still keep the petals in a box under your bed as a reminder of all those moments you've thought you were starting to feel something for your best friend, only to snap yourself out of it after. You even had one of the petals made into a resin necklace by Yeji when she picked up on the hobby, wearing it everyday since without Beomgyu ever asking about it’s significance.

He just thinks you got it from the congratulatory bouquet the boys all pitched in to give when you won a sculpting competition at the university museum.

But as mentioned, you've mostly come to terms with the fact that you've known Beomgyu long enough to let a lot of opportunities to pass by, even if it pains you. Though romantic love doesn’t have to have an expiration date, you think you’ve been around your best friend long enough to know and accept that nothing is going to happen.

So to keep up appearances, you shook your head in front of your demanding friends that night at the reunion and teasingly pushed the sleeping Beomgyu to Taehyun's shoulder, much to everyone's disappointment.

"I've known him for all my life, literally. If something remotely romantic were to happen, it should've happened years ago." You grimaced before downing another shot of peach soju, that particular shot stinging a bit too much for your liking.

"But that's, like, the tricky thing with friends: you never really know when things are starting to be something else with one or both people." Sieun pointed out with a pout.

"Oh, I can assure you, it's not like that with us." You waved your hand dismissively in response before quickly going back to gathering your next mouthful of lettuce wrap. “Anyway, you guys have known us pretty well too. We just don’t match that way.”

Next to you, Beomgyu groaned seemingly in agreement as he stirred on Taehyun's shoulder, moving to lean on you again. "You're all so fucking noisy." He mumbled on the nook of your neck, hands encircling around your waist as he then pointed at the jug of water on the table. “If Y/N says it's not like that then it's not like that. So let me sleep and let Y/N eat their food!"

You shrugged at Sieun and Yunjin, smoothly shifting the conversation's focus to Sieun after before filling in a glass of water for Beomgyu as he’s requested.

"You're going to have a nasty hangover later, you know." You pointed out to him, making sure to keep your voice low knowing that he's sensitive to noise when he's drunk.

"You'll take care of me." He replied confidently with a boyish grin, more as a statement than a question. "Can I sleep over your dorm later? Hyuka won't let me in the room like this and Ryujin's already on vacation anyway."

You then rolled your eyes, knowing full well that you don’t have a choice anyway. "Sure, sure."

II. WE HAVE SHIT TASTE IN PEOPLE (AND IT WOULD BE AN INSULT TO OURSELVES IF WE START LIKING EACH OTHER)

The first time someone directly and publicly questioned Beomgyu's relationship with you, however, was at the traditional secret gathering your classmates had arranged in your two-day senior retreat just four years ago. On that night, after a whole day of tedious team-building activities and an evening of getting lectured by your teachers on house rules, most of Class 2 gathered at the boys' shared room for swiped alcohol and midnight snacks.

At that time, it was Daehwi who had asked and the context was the equally traditional game of truth or dare. When Beomgyu was picked for the second time that night, he surprisingly chose truth, prompting the question everyone has apparently been asking among themselves.

"Would you date Y/N?"

Beomgyu laughed. It was always his instinct to laugh whenever his own relatives asked the same question or when you would tell your own similar experiences but also because he saw you throwing your head back in laughter as well from where you were seated between Yunjin and Ryujin.

But what really solidifies this question as an inside joke between the two of you was the time when you watched When Harry Met Sally together at a sleepover in Beomgyu's house a year before the class retreat.

It was the classic friends to lovers romcom that you ended up watching in that particular sleepover in the first place because Yunjin mentioned that it reminded her of you and Beomgyu. So of course it had to be brought up before you could accidentally fall asleep on Beomgyu that night, you pointing to Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan before smacking Beomgyu in the head and asking the exact same question the boy would face at the senior retreat.

"Without thinking about all the gross couple shit like kissing or whatever," You gagged between your question, making Beomgyu roll his eyes and scoff. "would you date me?"

"First of all: gross—"

"That's why I said without all the couple stuff!"

"Still gross! Why would you think of that question!"

Back to the class retreat, once Beomgyu had calmed down from laughing and before Jeongin or Hueningkai could start leading the teasing on how you and your best friend reacted to the question in the same way at the same time, he said, "Y/N has shit taste in people. It'd be an insult to myself if they start liking me, even more if we do date."

You laughed even harder, repeating the words back to him. "Ya, you have shit taste in people too!"

Daehwi almost did a whole spit take with his glass of Cola while hearing your exchange. "Damn, you two are brutal with each other!"

Taehyun told Beomgyu later on that he felt as if that particular answer could be misinterpreted as the latter being mean to you. But your best friend was quick to explain that it's something you actually talked about in the aforementioned sleepover. You also backed him up on this over breakfast the next day when you sat with the two boys.

On the night of your sleepover, after you asked the question and Beomgyu was done making his teasing disgusted faces in front of you, he had said the exact same words for the first time and even elaborated on it.

And like Daehwi, you also almost did a spit take hearing it for the first time but your own glass of hot chocolate.

"You had a crush on Yeonjun two years ago before he was cool and you dated that annoying what's-her-name from the softball team who, by the way, cheated on you before you could even celebrate 100 days." The blunt 11th-grader Beomgyu said in front of your surprised face on that sleepover. "Ah, and don't get me started on that time you were swooning over that asshole Taejoon from Class 7 last semester because he sat next to you on the bus when I got the flu? You were crushing on a guy who thought he was jack shit and played with a lot of girls while I was almost dying in the hospital! Shit taste and inconsiderate!"

You and Beomgyu also did not forget to mention to Taehyun about how you almost smothered Beomgyu to death with a pillow in response, pausing the movie so Meg Ryan didn't have to see the crime you were about to do before tackling your best friend on the bed.

"Hey, Yeonjun's cool and Minji from softball really is an asshole but I didn't know Taejoon had a reputation in Class 7 back then! I just thought he was cute and really polite to the old ladies and the kids on the bus!" You retorted aggressively, smacking Beomgyu's face repeatedly with the Hello Kitty pillow he lent you for that night. "And I visited you with the boys and Yunjin after school while you were sick to catch you up in class, you ungrateful brat! I have shit taste but I'll never be inconsiderate to you!

"While we're at it, you also have shit taste, mind you! Pining after girls like Yeeun and Rina right when they start dating other people! Ah, and you dated that girl, Areum, in the 9th grade too even when everyone kept telling you that she was trying to get to Soobin through you! Shit taste and idiotic!"

Your college years would not spare the both of you from having more strings of failed romantic relationships just as much as it did not stop all the questions from friends, both new and old, about Beomgyu's relationship with you so the answer always remained the same: both of you have shit taste in people so dating each other would be somehow insults to yourselves.

But there are times, of course, when it would just be you and Beomgyu alone and, instead of the usual jokes and banter, he allows himself to be just slightly honest for the sake of his sanity and to make sure that you never feel as if he has some hidden ill-intent in always jokingly bringing up the uglier sides of your dating history.

In another sleepover at his house last summer, he didn't fight you when you decide on watching My Best Friend's Wedding and blurted out halfway, "As your own best friend, I think you deserve the best."

Though no one did a spit take this time, you did momentarily freeze while trying to tuck yourself in under the weighted blanket you were sharing. On his laptop perched comfortably on a foldable table, the movie was coincidentally at the part where Julia Roberts was delivering the iconic, "Choose Me” speech.

“I'll have to say this quick or I'm just going to have this massive coronary and then you'll never hear it and.....and....you have to. This is, by far the dumbest thing I've ever done in my entire life.” Julia Roberts dramatically delivered on the laptop screen as if filling in the silence. “Ugh—so dumb in fact—uh—that I can't...... oh but I'm gonna.”

“What’s wrong?” Her male lead, Dermont Mulroney, asked and Beomgyu felt like he should be asking that question to you when your silence started dragging on for too long.

When you did regain your composure, you chuckled nervously. "I-I mean yeah, I know, but...what's with that all of a sudden?" You furrowed your brows up at him.

And like he was mirroring you, Beomgyu also paused for a moment as he too contemplated on why he said it out of nowhere.

Meanwhile, Julia Roberts just continued delivering her lines flawlessly, filling in the silence between the two of you. “Michael......I love you. I've loved you for nine years. I've just been too arrogant and scared to realize it and, well, now I'm just scared. So I, I......realize that this comes at a very inopportune time. But I really have this gigantic favor to ask of you.” Though the sound coming in on your respective earphones was only at 75%, suddenly it felt louder the longer that Beomgyu didn't speak. “Choose me? Marry me. Let me make you happy.”

Beomgyu scratched the nape of his neck and smiled sheepishly, turning away for a second as you finally pause the movie and the light illuminates the side of his face a little too brightly.

“Oh God, please don’t tell me you’re gonna pull a Julia Roberts right now. You know—“

“What? No!"

“Then answer the question!”

"I just remembered, you know, how we always say that we won't date each other because we both have shitty taste in people and everything." He shrugged when he did explain himself, unconsciously sinking lower on the bed as he pressed his back harder on the bed frame behind you. "And I know it's a joke and all but I—I also think that you deserve better than someone like me...or Yeonjun, Soobin, Tae, and Hyuka.

“Though I guess it is hard to find someone better than us, especially me and Soobin, I think you should still look for someone who’s really kind, smart, and will never give you a hard time. You deserve someone who looks out for you and makes you feel like home but also like you’re flying.

“Someone who’s funny too but not too funny to upstage me! Just enough to get you through the dark times because you do get really stressed out these days. I—I don’t know, I guess I was just thinking about—about that, yeah…”

You relaxed your expression as he spoke, though a small pout remained. "Okay..." You pressed play on the laptop again with a laugh. "Random but okay.”

“I give my whole heart out to you in a speech and that’s all you have to say?”

“What else do you want me to say?” You scoffed and playfully nudged him away, earning you a dramatic wince from him. "With how you generally act around people I like, it's not that hard to figure out that it's because you think this way."

“Yeah but, I don’t know, maybe say it back to me too and comfort my lonely, lonely heart?” He rolled his eyes and crossed his arms in response.

“I think that’s a you problem. We all tell you to just get yourself out there then you reject every person who throws themself at you.”

The boy feigned a glare next. “I’m going to kill you in your sleep later.”

“Fine.” You rolled your eyes, moving carefully on the bed to face him fully. “You deserve someone infinitely better than me too. Someone gorgeous—not just pretty!—and smart enough to keep your dumbass in check and just overall awesome, but not too awesome, of course! I’m literally the coolest person you’ll ever meet…ever!”

"Oh you flatter me, Y/N!" He exclaimed dramatically with his hands to his chest, smiling when you snorted and turned your attention back to the laptop again to press play on the movie.

Though he partly thinks otherwise—that it’s impossible that there’s someone out there infinitely better than you overall—he does agree that you are the coolest person in his life.

"You're so annoying." You mumbled under your breath and he quickly retaliated by pinching your cheek affectionately. "Ya!"

"You love me."

"I know right, how will I even find someone better than you?" You teased but Beomgyu's observant enough to understand that you only mean it halfway.

"Maybe you won't?" He teased back with a wink. "I know for sure no one's better than you."

"Shut up."

III. WE ARE EXTREME OPPOSITES (AND WE ANNOY EACH OTHER A LOT)

If you were to be asked about the things that annoy you about Beomgyu and vice versa, you both would probably need a month of preparation and a year each just to list everything you've come up with. Sure, you’ve known each other for a long enough time to be comfortable in each other’s presence but that doesn’t make everyday perfect as there are still instances when you get the undeniable urge to smack him in the head or dropkick him for being insufferable.

If you were to make a top five shortlist, however, the fact that Beomgyu has no concept of personal space when it comes to you would take the cake—pinching your cheeks, holding your hand whenever a remotely attractive person passes you by, always putting his legs on top of yours, hugging you to death, and always headlocking you when you meet up among others.

But beyond that, ever since he got comfortable with initiating skinship with you around the 3rd grade, he's also somehow managed to convince himself that he had the right to be all up in your personal business too even when you didn't want him to—from simple things like stealing your food, spamming you with messages the second you don't reply as quickly as he'd like, to always having insisting that he accompanies you whenever you mention going to a new place, online stalking anyone you find interesting, randomly popping up at the studio in the Fine Arts department, and loosely keeping tabs on people you hang out with.

There have been times, however, when Beomgyu’s nosiness has actually saved you from a date or unwanted attention in public and even comforted you. In elementary and high school, whenever you’re allowed to pick groupmates, he’s always ready with gossip about everyone’s work ethic for some reason. Whenever a creep at the mall or at a party would try to hit on you, he’s always by your side ready with a glare and all intent to report the creep to the authorities. And even when he’s a shit drunk, he’s always aware enough to defend you whenever your friends pick on you.

But more importantly, as the more reserved person between the two of you, Beomgyu’s always the one who’s forcing you to open up to at least one person when you’re down (aka him).

The first sleepover that the two of you ever had was in the 6th grade when Beomgyu invited himself over to your house and stayed up with you until 3 AM to finish a Science project your three other groupmates basically gave up on. You never asked him to do it, just complained about it over lunch once, then suddenly he was barging in your house with his own stationary and your Science teacher already notified of how your groupmates have been slacking the past two weeks.

“Why did you do that?” You pouted after turning in your finished paper online. Fortunately for the two of you that time, it was a Friday and sleeping in wasn’t going to be an issue, especially for 6th grader Beomgyu who had the tendency to sleep the whole day. “I could’ve just told Mrs. Kim on Monday myself.”

Beomgyu shrugged as he fluffed the pillows and arranged your plushies on the bed. He hasn’t had his sudden growth spurt at that time so fitting in your old bed frame was still fairly easy then. “Knowing you and how long your groupmates have been bailing on you, you’d probably chicken out if Yunjin or I don’t do it ourselves or push you to do it.”

“No—“

“You know I’m right.“

You glared at him then, standing up from your desk to punch his arm. “I hate you.”

But he only rolled his eyes. “Then next time, I’ll try to not meddle that much anymore. Just…when our classmates are taking advantage of your kindness like this again, report it immediately, okay?” He nagged, his voice soft while his expression was determined. “Even if you don’t tell me directly, I know you’ve been having a hard time with that even more this year for some reason and, knowing you, you’d rather suck it up because you think you’re bothering people when you bring it up when you’re not.”

“That’s not true.”

“Y/N.” He squinted his eyes and pursed his lips.

You scoffed, climbing in the bed and laying down on the side next to the wall. “Okay, maybe sometimes it’s true.”

“Y/N.” He repeated your name in the same tone, lying next to you with your teddy bear in his arms. "Ms. Fluffy doesn't think so and I kind of agree with her."

You rolled your eyes in response, Beomgyu catching the gesture before he could turn off your bedside lamp. “Fine, fine. I admit it, I wasn’t—I wasn’t planning to tell Mrs. Kim because I thought my groupmates would get mad and think of me as a nuisance.” You winced at the admission, lifting your blanket up to your nose.

But Beomgyu was quick to stop your hand, flicking your forehead after. “Stop doing that. You literally did half of your paper, even the parts you weren’t assigned to. You’re far from a nuisance.” He retorted, tucking Ms. Fluffy the teddy bear next to you. “And Mrs. Kim’s job is literally to make sure we’re not having a hard time learning, she’d understand.”

That time, and most times when Beomgyu would be the one nagging you, you felt like shrinking under his fierce gaze. “I don’t want to get into trouble with anyone in class—“

“I’d fight anyone off for you if that happens."

“But I can handle myself if ever!”

“Now, you’re just contradicting yourself.” He pointed out with a chuckle, settling down next to you. “Just...next time, okay? You should never suffer in silence by choice, you’re better than that.”

You had no choice but to nod in agreement and fulfill your promise that very next Monday, talking to Mrs. Kim yourself to elaborate on the incident further with Beomgyu holding your hand the entire time.

Most of the time, it's sweet and thoughtful that your best friend looks out for you out of genuine concern. You can’t admit it to his face, knowing he’ll tease you endlessly for it, but you like Beomgyu having his full attention on you most of the time and how he can literally rival your family as the person who knows you best.

But alas, there are still numerous instances when it's caused you more harm than good to disastrous levels.

At the top of your head, there was that incident in the summer before your sophomore year when Yeji first set you up on a blind date with Theo, a friend of a friend from the Vocal Performance department.

You even made sure that Beomgyu wouldn't get anywhere near your bowling date, threatening all of your mutual friends to keep the agenda a secret over message (and free food for Taehyun and Hueningkai) and scheduling the date on the same weekend Beomgyu was going to take an exam for one of his summer classes.

However, when Theo briefly left you alone in your lane to buy snacks, a familiar mop of brown hair, black hoodie, and a pair of thick-rimmed glasses suddenly whooshed in your peripheral vision, followed by two figures in hoodies you unmasked at the end of the night as Yeonjun and Soobin.

Another annoying thing that Beomgyu does is that when he’s “investigating” something—whether it’s a friend’s date or that time everyone thought Taehyun was secretly seeing someone—he always brings the same get-up of hoodie and thick-rimmed glasses along as "disguise." It's a stupid idea that first came to him when Yunjin went on her very first date in high school that he never bothered to change even when everyone started catching on, making it easier to spot him in your surroundings.

Though he didn't approach you until you approached him back in your dorms, it was still unnerving to spot him, Yeonjun, and Soobin playing five lanes away from you and your date. Their glances felt heavy on your back as the night went on.

"He was literally in two of your classes last semester. It's not like he's some stranger to you." You frowned at Beomgyu after letting Yeonjun and Soobin go with an earful of a speech of their own. Though you and Theo agreed that you clicked better as friends, you still lectured and nagged at your three friends in your dorm's communal kitchen with Beomgyu staying an hour longer than the other two. "How did you even get to the bowling alley? I thought you have an exam tonight?"

"My exam was only until 7 PM so I got Yeonjun to drive us to the bowling alley as soon as I got out. It was a celebratory thing for me too! That English final really kicked me in the ass, if you must know." Beomgyu answered with a pout, hands deep in his hoodie pockets and his glasses slipping on his nose. "And even if I do know Theo in passing, I don't know him that way. He’s more Yeji’s friend than mine. What if he was a shit dude when it comes to dates? What if he stood you up tonight or something?"

"You say that for all the people I like."

Beomgyu waved his hand dismissively in defense. "I only say that to the objectively trashy ones and the ones I don’t know enough about. Theo’s under the second category.”

"Still! You get what I mean!" You frowned as you smacked him on the back of his head, earning you a wince from him. "Gyu, once, just one date where you leave me alone. No disguises and no spam texts. Can you do that?"

There's a long pause that followed after with Beomgyu opening his mouth a couple of times only to close it back again, keeping you on edge for what felt like forever but was only for around five minutes.

He never told you what he was going to say at first or if he was even thinking of something else to say, you can just easily infer that it's different from what he actually ended up saying with the way his expression softened right before he finally spoke.

"Only if you tell me more about these things before you actually go on them. Even just the basic things are fine.” He frowned this time, crossing his arms. Even without you scanning every inch of his face, his expression easily gave away to the fact that he was thinking of saying something else but was trying his best to hold back. “I’m...I'm worried, okay? I don’t want you getting in trouble.”

"You know I can handle myself. We've been through this hundreds of times, I'm not that kid from the 4th grade who couldn't tell on my shit groupmates." You interjected, crossing your arms in front of the taller boy. "Anyway, if I ever need help, you're always the first one I'll call, you already know that."

He pouted down at you. "Sure?"

And you nodded with a laugh at his ridiculous expression, uncrossing your arms as you couldn't fight the amusement creeping up on you whenever Beomgyu tries to act cute anymore. "Positive."

So on the next two blind dates that Yeji set up for you that summer, you were pretty sure that Beomgyu only kept tabs on you through text as the hoodie and glasses were nowhere to be seen when you and your dates went out.

♡

On Beomgyu’s end, if he were to pick a top one habit of yours that he finds the most annoying it would be your tendency to hide your artworks from him until it’s finished when he’s always showing you his drafts.

Much like how you often try hiding your burdens, troubles, and blind dates from him, you often ban Beomgyu from seeing your drafts and sketches until the work itself is done which, as a fellow artist, makes him want to sneak up on you even more.

Especially when you think that you’ll be working on a particular project for a long time or if it’s in a medium you haven’t tried before, you’d often be blocking Beomgyu from seeing a peek of your plans out of a weird superstition that you might not finish anything if you hear a comment from him too early.

As your musician best friend who’s always showing you his own work even when it’s still disjointed lyrics and melodies in his head, Beomgyu sometimes thinks that you don’t trust him enough in something important as your own art. Without you knowing, it hurts him a bit sometimes because it’s as if he can’t be useful for you in that sense when you're always his most trusted critic when it comes to his music.

“It’s not like I can possibly make a bad comment.” Beomgyu insisted sometime during midterms as you talked over your senior thesis projects over dinner. It was almost 2 AM in your dorm’s communal kitchen, your mugs only half-filled with lukewarm chocolate when the boy asked if he could take a peek at your sketchbook after letting you hear some of his new music. “With you and your art? Impossible to make any bad comments I’m telling you!”

“Eh, but—“ Maybe it was the tiredness from having been up for 24 hours straight, trying to stay on top of your piling requirements, that unlike your usual response to Beomgyu’s pouting and puppy eyes, you decided to blurt out, “I just—I don’t know…I think too highly of your opinion.”

Beomgyu was effectively rendered frozen and speechless, missing the way you slouched your shoulders and hid your face behind your hair after your confession. “I—what?”

“Don’t make me repeat it.” You deadpanned, taking another sip of your chocolate next to him. At least with your shoulders touching, you couldn't see the way his expression unconsciously softened while listening to you. "It's already embarrassing enough as it is."

“But…but why?”

“Why what?”

“Why would you think highly of my opinion? It’s just me.” Beomgyu chuckled nervously, feeling his face heat up in embarrassment as he spoke. “Not like I’m a professional artist or whatever.”

“Do I really have to say it?”

Beomgyu nodded, pursing his lips. "I'm being serious right now." He pretended to squint his eyes and furrow his brows and you rolled your eyes in response.

With a sigh, you then answered. “It’s exactly because you’re you. You’re Choi Beomgyu, the annoying kid from the neighborhood who just decided one day that he’d join me at the plastic tables in the playground when he saw me drawing flowers on my mom's notepad. The one who bought me my first oil paint set for Christmas in the 7th grade because he said he noticed how much I enjoyed it in our Art class. The one who always adds more compliments to my work along with actually helpful feedback even when I ask for criticisms only because he’s too nice for his own good but he’s also very intuitive.

“You…annoying as it is, you’re kind of very important in my art and it makes me nervous sometimes to show you anything before it’s complete because I think it has to be perfect and totally not disappointing even when you first see it. I only want you to see good things from me...”

While the silence that followed felt like an hour for you, it felt like forever in Beomgyu's mind as his thoughts flew to the memories as you mentioned them.

Much like you, he can also vividly remember how exactly you befriended each other at the playground then, when he complimented your doodle of the daisy bushes by the swings because you drew them a little too well for a five-year-old with broken crayons and an unsharpened pencil. You even complained to him that you can render the flowers better if you just didn't forget your sharpener at home, leading to a whole conversation that you continued at the swings where he offered to push you for the rest of that afternoon.

He remembers that 7th grade Christmas when he picked your name for the class Secret Santa and didn't even have to read more on the wishlist below your name because he was already set on buying you an oil paint set and some brushes to go with it outside of the classroom. He knew you were saving up to buy it in the summer yourself but he also knew that it'd make you even happier to get it six months earlier so it was easy for him to take money from his own savings that were supposed to go on a new ukulele.

But more importantly, his mind lingers to a memory you didn't mention, to that day outside of the teacher's lounge when you were first filling in your college applications. While your other friends were talking animatedly about what they were planning to do after your high school graduation, you were unusually quiet next to Beomgyu as you filled out your application which quickly prompted him to ask if you were okay.

"What did you put in your program?" He had asked after, leaning his head on your shoulder only for you to cover the top half of your application with your hands. "Ya, I want to see!"

"No, it's embarrassing!" You protested, moving the form away from his peering eyes when his hand tries to reach for it. "You'll know later anyway if I pass Seoul University!"

"You mean 'when' you pass." He corrected, resting his chin on your shoulder this time before peering up at you. "And why are you embarrassed over your program? It's not the most embarrassing choice you've made in front of me."

"Ya!"

"So what is it?"

You leaned away from him and Beomgyu found it weirdly strange to be on eye-level with you while seated after he's suddenly grown almost a head taller than you over the summer. "I might...do a double degree on Painting and Sculpture."

"What's embarrassing about that? If anything, I'd be surprised if those two are nowhere near your top five options." He raised a brow almost instinctively. "Y/N, a double degree's impressive as hell!"

"It's just that..." You stumbled shyly over your words, scratching the nape of your neck. "I don't know, it's a shot in the dark. It's not like I'm that good like how you're great with your music."

"That's bullshit. You've always been talented and hardworking when it comes to your art. If anything, it's me who's always trying to catch up with you." He countered immediately, sitting up straight with a serious expression on his face. "And it's something you love and want to learn more of so why would it be embarrassing? Be confident and own your passions, Y/N."

"They might not actually see that if I don't do well in the exams and the portfolio I turn in. For all we know, I suck compared to other people."

"You literally just won a mural competition last summer." Beomgyu rolled his eyes. "Admissions would be dumb to reject you."

Looking back on that memory almost four years ago, the revelation of what you really think of him makes Beomgyu's head spin that he had to quickly snap himself back to reality when you downed the last of your chocolate and mumbled how opening up was a mistake to yourself.

"I'm going to bed." You announced, rubbing your eyes tiredly and clutching your mug to your chest.

Before you could leave the table, however, Beomgyu quickly grabs onto your arm. "Wait, wait, no!"

"I'm tired as shit. You can rub my emotional comments on my face tomorrow morning."

"It's not that." Beomgyu frowned, tugging on your arm for you to sit down again. When you hesitantly follow along with him, he then continued, "It's just...is that why you tried hiding your application form from me back then?"

"I mean, I wasn't as confident in myself then as I am now and I had my other doubts about taking the program itself but...yeah, I guess." You shrugged slowly, looking everywhere but him. "I also thought that if I take both Painting and Sculpture, I have to make you proud no matter what."

On any other day, he would've teased you for it but he knew you'd probably smack his head on the table in that moment. So, instead, he held back on a smile and nudged you gently on the shoulder. "You make me proud no matter what you do." He assured. "And, if you must know, I also think highly of your opinion on my music...I guess we just show it in different ways.

"And if you're not ready to show me some of your new projects yet, it's okay. I can wait for all of them because I know they'll all turn out great."

You then looked up at him with raised brows. "Even if I make you wait until graduation for some of them?"

"I might ask Ryujin or Soobin to take photos of your progress for me if I have to wait that long." He joked, making you chuckle. "You know, the usual."

"Sure you will." You scoffed before picking up his mug on the table and standing up again. "Dude, come on, we really have to go to bed."

IV. WE KEEP SECRETS FROM EACH OTHER

It's not to say, however, that there aren't any instances when your roles are unwittingly reversed. Beomgyu also closes himself off from you and everyone else from time to time and you naturally end up being the nosy one banging on his door and demanding for him to at least let you know that he's eating well.

It's often when Beomgyu's stressed—when there's too much work to be done, especially in his music, or when he suddenly finds himself in a problem that he unusually doesn't share with you at the first encounter.

In these moments, you usually start noticing a week before he could even lock himself in his room and isolate himself from all of your friends. Especially since university began when you'd mostly meet in the day at lunch with your friends, he'd stop pestering you to elaborate more on a story you'd tell half-heartedly but he'll still hold your hand under the tables in front of all of your friends, squeezing it more often than usual out of anxiety.

And his smile never reaches his eyes when he's stressed, the same way his laugh would be quieter, an easy giveaway that he's going through something he's decided to keep on his own.

So as someone who's noticed his patterns over the years, you let him be at first, squeezing his hand back and initiating all the jokes in the group for him to finish with the punchline so he doesn't linger too much in his own thoughts.

Then when Hueningkai or Soobin do message you that Beomgyu hasn't left his room except to go to only half of his classes, you're quick to come up to his dorm with takeout and whatever project you're working on, knowing that what he really needs best in these moments is company.

There's times when Beomgyu acts extra bratty and doesn't let you in his personal space for a couple of days, a week at most like the time he was so stressed about Toto getting sick back in your Freshman year. It takes a lot of time out of your week and money from your weekly allowance buying him food but you wait patiently by his door anyway, catching up on your studies on the hallway floor if you're at the dorms or outside his room back in your neighborhood and occasionally knocking on his door to ensure that he's still alive.

But when he does let you in, opening the door just wide enough for you to see his bloodshot tired eyes and a blanket over his head, you take the initiative to open the door wider and hug him before anything else.

You almost never initiate skinship as much as you never share things until they're prodded out of you by Beomgyu, he knows that well so that's exactly what you do when you first see him in this state. All the time.

You don't speak until he lets you go and you're allowed to occupy his space with him. Back in your old neighborhood, you would put your things on his desk next to his own and work quietly until he decides to open up to you on his own accord.

Since college started, however, things have been slightly different in that once you're in the room, you'd sit on his bed first and let him hug you until he's ready to talk. If his roommate, Hueningkai, would be there at the end of the day, you'd throw a shoe at the younger boy and ask him to come back after dinner with the promise that you'd play Mario Kart with him the next weekend.

When Beomgyu's stressed, he likes it better when it's just the two of you, your exact opposite since you'd rather have all of your close friends with you on a hangout when you're in a similar state of mind.

The most stressed Beomgyu has been in college was when he was finishing the first official album for TXT, the band he formed with Yeonjun, Soobin, Taehyun, and Hueningkai in the summer before your freshman year. It was in the second semester of your junior year, when both of you were also preparing for internship applications on top of academics and the clubs piling one on top of each other that you sort of saw this coming as soon as you felt stressed out yourself.

Beomgyu only let you in his dorm room on your fifth day of camping out, crying out his frustrations on your shoulders for almost two hours that you had to change into one of his shirts after and ask Hueningkai to bring up a whole pitcher of water for your best friend to drink over dinner.

"I—I...I just...I can't! I can't finish the songs! I'm going insane!" He exclaimed on your shoulder, his cries muffled against you but you don't mind as you continue rubbing his back in circles and reminding him to breathe. "And...and nothing's been going my way these days! Not in my classes, not in the radio show or on the soccer team! I'm just...I'm just so out of it, Y/N!"

You hummed comfortingly, carefully moving both him and yourself so you're both sitting up properly once more. You then pointed to his open laptop and computer screens on the desk across the room with a small smile, "I can see your progress from here, though. You've been doing well. You're trying and getting things done, that's what matters."

"It's not all that good..."

You shook your head almost immediately, handing him another pack of tissues you've brought with you before discarding the used ones in the nearby trash bin. "Yes, it is! I've heard the drafts before you locked yourself up in here, they're all great." You retorted, tilting your head when he buries his face in the crook of your neck once more. "I think I like Thursday's Child Has Far To Go and Maze in the Mirror the most. They're very you.

"And about your classes and clubs, just take your time with them. Soobin and I e-mailed some of your profs already, Jeongin and Tae are handling the radio show well, and I'm sure Sunwoo and the rest of the soccer team would understand your absence for now.

"For now, just do what you want to do. Rest if you want to rest. If you want to focus on the band, then that's fine too. Everything will align themselves in time, just please don't forget to take care of yourself."

"And if they don't? Align themselves in time, I mean?"

His breathing was ragged then from all of the crying and his eyes the reddest and puffiest you've ever seen them. You figured from then on that you really hate seeing Beomgyu cry in frustration the most.

"They will, I promise. They always do with you." You replied without thinking, hesitantly patting his head and gently wiping his tears with your thumbs. "And you know I'll stay with you here until you're satisfied with your progress. Or at least for a couple of days because I have tons of presentations next week."

He sniffled a bit, spraying his hands with alcohol and adjusting the blanket wrapped around him. "W-What are you going to work on in a bit?"

You scoffed, already expecting that he'd ask. "I brought a project for my Sculpture II class, if that's okay. I also brought newspapers so I don't make a mess on the floor." You answered anyway, chuckling when his eyes immediately lit up. "You've been bugging me about it so I thought I can show you the my progress just this once to cheer you up."

And as if a light switch was turned, the glossiness previously in his eyes suddenly looked like sparkles as he sat up straight. "I could smother your face in kisses right now."

"Wipe that snot off of your nose first." You pretended to cringe when he dramatically opened his arms wide and puckered his lips. At that moment, you immediately knew that he was feeling a bit better, at least. "Geez, sometimes, I think you just sulk sometimes to get me to come here and show you my works early."

"I'm not that evil!" He pouted, taking the weighted blanket off of his back and getting off the bed. "Though, now that you've suggested it..."

A pillow then quickly landed on his face. "Choi Beomgyu!"

So you spent three nights at Beomgyu and Hueningkai's dorm room, working on a bust of Yeonjun (it's a long story involving you losing a bet to him at your last group hangout) on the floor while Beomgyu finished the final edits to TXT's songs. You then go back to your own dorm room before breakfast to freshen up for your class then come back again after your classes, often around 4 PM.

And when Beomgyu finally caught up with his classes and extra-curriculars, he surprised you with an invitation to TXT's surprise album launch over a month later.

Another thing about Beomgyu is that he's strangely great with surprises, preparing elaborate plans for occasions like your birthday, the holidays, or when he's bounced back from a difficult situation right under your nose.

Initially, the boys only told you that they'd release the album after finals week and play it at the year-end school festival, the first time they would be performing a full set of original songs. Though you, Yeji, Ryujin, and Yunjin insisted that they should do a proper album launch, all five of the boys just kept saying excuses or shifting the topic to something else.

On your last official school day for that semester, however, you suddenly received a notification from TXT's social medias about a surprise album launch at a cafe you frequent with all of your friends and a personal message from Beomgyu telling you to come over 30 minutes before the show.

So in retaliation, you made sure to stop over at the nearest flower shop with the girls and surprise Beomgyu with at least a congratulatory bouquet of roses, the same size as the one he gave you all of those years ago.

Said bouquet almost getting ruined when Beomgyu hugged you the moment you entered the cafe.

"You came!" He exclaimed giddily on your neck, almost toppling you to the ground as his arms encircled your waist. "You came! You came! You came!"

You scoffed, taking a moment to regain your footing as you rested your cheek against your best friend and carefully held the bouquet behind his head. "Of course I'd come. I'm your number one fan."

"Sure you are." He feigned a sniffle before tilting his head away to press a kiss to your cheek. "But still, thank you for coming. This means a lot to me."

"I know."

"You helped finished this album."

"I doubt that. I just worked with you in silence for three days straight."

He shook his head fervently, pulling away from you fully by then and leading you to the makeshift stage across the room. "You helped me refocus and get back on my feet so I can finish everything. I think you helped big time." He retorted before picking up his guitar from its stand. "Anyway, I have another surprise!"

"I only got you one." You feigned a frown while shaking the bouquet in your hands, making him chuckle before occupying the empty high stool next to him. "I'll have to get back at you again after this."

"You're already doing so much for me coming here tonight. And you bought me really expensive flowers!" He assured, strumming the guitar a few times. When you then opened your mouth to retort, he quickly interjected, "Anyway, I wrote this song for you! I'm still thinking if I want us to perform this later but I really just want to play it for you right now before anything."

So in the middle of that cafe, while your friends ran around preparing the decorations and doing soundchecks, Beomgyu sang his song, "Nap of a Star," with his guitar on his lap and his phone with the lyrics on the music stand.

"I can see even without you in front of me. I feel you, even without saying anything. Because I believe in you, even if I'm anxious

"I can touch even without you in front of my eyes. I reach even if you go far away from me. Just by remembering you, my heart always dances like before

"I want to become your nap and dream together always as if nothing happened. The evening sunset and the darkened night sky, my heart is full of you."

He occasionally giggled and fumbled on the guitar a bit everytime he glanced over in your general direction but he finished the song with you nearly in tears, something you instinctively hid by smacking him in the arm once the guitar was out of the way.

"You jerk! You wrote that for me? Are you sure?" You exclaimed, rapidly blinking back tears. "And I only got you flowers today! God, you're making me look like a bad friend!"

He rolled his eyes, getting down from the high stool and standing in front of you. With your own chair's height, you were easily at eye-level with him as he smiled at you. "I already told you, just coming over to hear us is already enough. Don't worry about it." He assured. "Anyway, what did you think of the song?"

"It's beautiful, of course." You scoffed half-heartedly, making him chuckle. "Was that night walk in the lyrics about—?"

"That night walk at the art fair? Yeah." He grinned shyly, rubbing the nape of his neck.

Once, in the 9th grade, you had a big fight with Beomgyu over Areum, at that point his ex-girlfriend. What you both do remember the most about it is how it happened on the week before a planned trip to an art fair in the busier district of Seoul that you were really excited about.

Though you were pretty sure that you weren't on speaking terms with him that time, he still showed up at the bus stop on the day itself, prompting you to apologize to each other before heading to the art fair together.

"You were crying like shit in public that we had to move to a more secluded area because people were looking. Then, you almost choked me to death with your hug." You recalled in confusion. "Not like I was any better but..."

"I put it in because I really thought our friendship was over then." He explained with a pout. "Then the first words we told each other when you saw me at the bus stop were apologies and...ah, it's very cheesy but I just think back to that time whenever I miss you. I think it's one of those moments I remember when I think of our bond."

You smack him again, this time directly on his chest, but the tears also flow freely this time. "God, you're so...you're so poetic and annoying! And you're making me cry!"

"I take that as a win." He laughed deeply as he hugged you, one hand rubbing your back soothingly while the other cupped your face and wiped your tears gently.

"How can you even say those things without crying? We've been friends for almost 16 years, damn it, Gyu." You mumbled in his plaid shirt, hugging him back. "I-I really love the song…”

"Years of practice on how to say it properly, actually." He joked half-heartedly, rubbing your back even more and mumbling to a passing Soobin something about the last preparations for the album launch. "That's why I do all the talking for us."

V. I LOVE YOU TOO MUCH

Your thesis for your Painting degree, you realize right before the Winter break this senior year, is the perfect surprise to get back at Beomgyu. While you've briefly mentioned that you'll have to take an extra year to complete your Sculpture degree's senior thesis, you're focusing on your Painting degree in your 4th year and have miraculously kept it under wraps from everyone including your best friend because everything's been hidden in your laptop and at the studios.

At the same time, it sort of fits. Though overall, most of the studies, actual finished works, and research you've done so far for your thesis are focused on human relationships overall, traces of Beomgyu have been slipping in here and there, reminding you that it's quite hard to paint anything about your friends or your first love without him.

He's in the series of studies you did of all of your friend groups, in a watercolor rendition of the faces you remember from your old neighborhood's playground, and even in a charcoal rendition of your favorite romance book characters as your thesis advisor suggested that you try and explore.

And he's in even more finished works and abandoned sketches way before that, some you unconvered in your old binders while researching for your thesis.

It could just be the extra hustle and bustle of your senior year, with you and all of your friends busier than ever as you work on your final year. Not to mention, you still have to prepare balancing a job at the university museum with your fifth year classes next year and Beomgyu's been busy putting out new music with TXT and discussing a junior producer position at an entertainment company.

But it's been almost a whole month since you last went to a proper lunch (one that isn't jut coffee and convenience store ramen) with any of your friends which is a whole record for you and Beomgyu, in particular. You're probably just missing the guy a bit too much these days that even just getting his daily cheer up messages has been messing with your thoughts all over again.

(Not that it doesn't mess you up on any normal day. It's just a tad bit extra now that you haven't seen his face around in a while)

So when you brought up to your thesis advisor the idea of painting a portrait of Beomgyu, the studies of which you would gift him for Christmas then remake as a proper oil painting for your thesis after the Winter break, there wasn't much of a complaint on her part.

Hell, you might even suspect that Prof Kim, a mentor whom you've also had in past studio classes, has been secretly rooting for you this whole time after years of always seeing Beomgyu randomly pop up around the department building.

"And what kind of relationship will a portrait of Choi Beomgyu represent in your exhibit?" She asked on Monday with a teasing glint in her eyes, a copy of your project research in her hands.

Your face heated up in an instant as you fumbled over your words, something you quickly excuse as a reaction related to the snow outside. "I—well...I'll figure that out later which I know is a cop out answer academically but I'll connect it to something in my RRL later, I promise!"

Prof Kim chuckled, closing her binder. "I'm kidding, I'm kidding! Personally, I think you already have it in your RRL and project proposal, you just need to make a more explicit mention of your friend in the paper moving forward since he'll be a subject in one of your finished works."

You nodded sheepishly, quickly gathering your things and standing up to bow at your advisor. "I'll e-mail you my progress again next week before the break!"

"No, no, it's okay! Just e-mail me after the holidays, I won't deduct grades or anything!"

A few days later, you're on the floor of your dorm room with Ryujin and Yeji cramming their own choreographies for their respective senior theses in another corner of the room while you finished your second study of Beomgyu, using your most recent photos as a reference.

The small 12x16 canvas you were working on sat comfortably on an equally small easel on your work desk, another canvas of the same dimensions drying by the windowsill next to a pile of old photos at the same time. Since your thesis would only require photos of your studies, you figured that you can give all of them to Beomgyu then make an extra oil painting of the two of you, knowing that he'd probably shy away (after making egotistical jokes, of course) if it's all just him.

"So what would the final painting be?" Ryujin suddenly asked as Yeji pauses the music for a five-minute break, approaching you as she drinks a bottle of cold water. "They're all so different."

You glanced over your shoulder and frown. "That's the thing, I'm not really sure how I want to paint him in the final work."

"Why?" Yeji asked this time, sitting cross-legged on a nearby mat.

You shrugged in response. "I don't know. Honestly, I thought if I do some studies, I'd get a clearer idea but I'm already three paintings in and I still have no plan of action for the one that actually counts to a grade." You sighed, turning your attention back to your unfinished painting.

"At least you have the Christmas gift ready!" Ryujin half-heartedly joked, sitting on an empty chair next to you. On your peripheral vision, you also caught Yeji nodding with a hopeful smile. "You don't have to paint the final work until after the break, anyway."

"Yeah, but it's the one that's going to be displayed at the exhibit at the end of the year." You pointed out matter-of-factly, carefully finishing the last layer of your painting. "And it has to be perfect."

"Maybe you can work something out over the break? You're going home to your neighborhood with Beomgyu and spending more time with him, anyway." Yeji suggested next. "Maybe then you'll have a clearer idea, hm?"

And Yeji was definitely right, as she always is, when you do go home to your old neighborhood with Beomgyu after the last official school day of the semester and find yourself hanging out in his childhood bedroom on the days leading up to Christmas much like the old days.

The idea comes to you on the afternoon of Christmas Eve almost two weeks later, when you invited yourself at the Choi's once more to listen to TXT's new songs and catch up with Toto. You sat cross-legged on Beomgyu's bed with your own earphones connected to his laptop and a live-sketch of the boy in his favorite green plaid shirt and freshly cut and dyed black hair on your lap.

Glancing over at him and seeing the way his eyes sparkled as you listened to "Way Home," it was a rather quick revelation to you that the best way to paint your best friend is in his most comfortable state. Just like this: when it's just the two of you drawing and listening to music, basking in the comfort of each other's company.

So you looked back at him again as the song transitioned to "Blue Hour," trying to take in as much of his features in that moment as much as you can. The faint sunlight coming in through the fogged up windows, Beomgyu's messy hair and skewed reading glasses, his hand propped up on his desk as he rested his cheek on his palm, his brows furrowed slightly in concentration as he worked only to consciously soften them when he looks at you, the way he talked animatedly about certain parts of the song with a boyish but proud grin on his lips.

Before you can even listen to the third song, you were already placing your hand on his upper arm and asking him to stay still for a moment.

"Why?" He asked, blinking twice while his hands go to pausing the song on his laptop anyway.

"I'm trying to memorize your face in this light." You answered absentmindedly, turning to a fresh page on your sketchbook and looking at him for a minute longer before removing your hand from him. "Okay."

"Okay?" He chuckled nervously. "What was that for? Are you going to send the mafia to kill me or something?"

You rolled your eyes, folding your knees closer to your chest to hide your sketchbook as you start anew. "It's a secret."

He then tried peering over your shoulder, moving the chair he was sitting on closer to the bed. "Are you drawing me?"

"Maybe." You teased with a smirk before pulling the sketchbook closer to your chest when he tried peering again. "Play the next song, Gyu."

Painting him in another solo portrait then on one of the two of you after that was relatively quick and easy as you finished your final gifts on Christmas Day while Beomgyu and his family went to a reunion out of town. While the last painting study, the one you'll render to a bigger canvas after the break, is him looking back at you fondly on that Christmas Eve afternoon, the additional painting of the two of you was from a candid photo Taehyun took when Beomgu played you Nap of a Star.

So now, here you are, in your room this time with the portraits gift-wrapped on the foot of your bed while your best friend handed you a late Christmas gift of his own.

"I was going to make it on my computer at first since everyone was sending in pictures on chats but then Yeonjun said that it might end up looking like the slideshows you have at funerals even with my superior editing skills." Beomgyu explained with a nervous chuckle as you unwrapped the gift, finding a thick scrapbook of all of your memories and mementos growing up. "Since everything else of you that I have—the pictures, the craft store receipts, Lotte World tickets, and everything—are all in boxes at home and at the dorms, I just thought I'd print the pictures I got from our friends and instead of scanning the things I already have then make it into a physical scrapbook.

"You did always say that you want to make one someday but we never really had the time so I thought I'd start it for you and, surprisingly, there are too many things in my own space that are yours or remind me of you."

You browse through the abnormally thick book in surprise and amusement, not even knowing that Beomgyu's kept even the simplest scraps of paper related to you after all these years. From the pictures his mom took of the two of you for every first day of school until the 12th grade to the candid photos he's taken of you over the years on his phone (regardless of how unflattering they are—you make sure to smack him in the arm everytime you come across one as you continue browsing) to notes you'd leave on his locker whenever he missed school and all the Christmas tags you've put on your previous gifts, it's the most detailed history of the two of you from when you met up until the present, complete with small captions handwritten by the boy himself.

So much so that you even linger on some of the pages you never thought you'd see, including the sketch you drew that day on the playground, the first note he passed you in class in the 1st grade, and a copy of the front page of the Science paper you crammed with him in the 6th grade.

"How did you even get some of these?" You ask, pointing to a photo of the two of you from your first Christmas together you somehow forgot existed. It was in the 1st grade when the Chois had to cancel going to their annual family reunion because of Mr. Choi's work so your families ended up watching the neighborhood fireworks display together. "I don't even think I have a copy of this!"

"That's from my mom! Also took her a long time to find on her phone." Beomgyu grins before turning to another page just full of flattened flowers, mostly daisies and roses. "And these are from all the bouquets you've bought me for recitals, graduations, and our first album launch! I kept at least one of everything because I wanted to use them in a project someday but I wasn't really sure what until I got the idea to make you a scrapbook."

"How did you even decide to give me a scrapbook for Christmas? And going through all the trouble of asking everyone we know for extra pictures? I thought you were busy with the band and your thesis?" You ask next, turning to the last page and finding a bunch of old letters and old invitations, the one from your senior prom standing out. By this point, it was hard to keep the stray tears at bay as you sniffle, making Beomgyu laugh before passing you tissues.

You went with all of your friends back then but you only danced alone with Beomgyu, somehow deluding yourself into thinking that he would confess and reciprocate your feelings.

But he never did, holding himself back from saying anymore in front of your house and simply kissing your forehead at the end of the night, and that was probably the only time you cried over the boy for that reason.

Beomgyu scratches his head and smiles sheepishly before slowly gesturing over to your wrapped gift for him. "A-Ah, well...Ryujin may or may not have mentioned something about you slaving away the past few weeks for your gift."

Your jaw slacks. "Are you serious?"

Before you could protest even more, however, Beomgyu's quick to raise his hands up in defense and interject, "Well, to be fair, I got the original idea of a simple scrapbook with everything I have way before Ryujin approached me! Then she mentioned sometime ago how hard you were working on my Christmas present that I had to up the stakes and ask for more pictures and stuff from everyone else after.

"And it wasn't that time consuming, actually! Everyone was happy to share photos and even some stories about you which I wrote in some of the entries because I thought it was sweet. Just...I want you to feel absolutely loved with this gift.

"And I mean, isn't it also nice seeing us from other people's point of view?" He points out next, flipping back to the pages mainly dedicated to photos of you and your mutual friends mixed in with photos they took of you. "It's also kind of a gift from everyone else in that sense."

You wipe another set of stray tears, making Beomgyu pout and reach a hand up to help you.

"Are you okay—?"

"I love it so much." You sniffle, smacking his arm before hugging the scrapbook to your chest. "Thank you, Gyu."

He heaves a sigh of relief, clutching his chest with his free hand. "There are still some blank pages towards the end. I figured you can put your own stuff in it if since I know you keep some things in the box under the bed." He suggests, patting the bed as if to gesture to the boxes you keep under it. "Or if you want, we can just fill it with new stuff later."

"Will you help me add in my own things?"

He nods with a bright smile. "We can do it before dinner with your parents." He then reaches towards the opposite end of the bed and picks up his gift, shaking it in front of him and asking next, "Should I open my gift in the meantime?"

"Yes, please. I can't be the only one crying right now." You nod with a chuckle, moving the scrapbook to your bedside table and helping him remove the tapes all over his gift.

"Before you make your usual complaint that it's too much, it's also actually part of my senior thesis for my Painting degree. Remember how I mentioned last time that I decided to make two separate theses for my programs? So, these are studies for one of my final paintings." You explain as the paintings come into view, Beomgyu's eyes widening and his jaw slacking in an instant.

"Woah..." He breathes, laying the canvases next to each other gently. “This is...this is amazing!"

"And there's one of the two of us. Look." You point at the last painting with a small smile. "The reference is from a photo Taehyun sent to our chat after the album launch."

"A-And...and where are the other portraits from?" He asks in a lower voice after a moment, eyes sparkling when he looks up at you again.

You gulp down any feelings of wanting to melt on the spot, pointing to each painting as you answer, "The first portrait's from a photo I took at your last gig, the second one's from last summer when we went to Haeundae beach, and the third one's from just the other day when you were letting me listen to your new music."

He points to the last one shyly, his cheeks flushed pink as the two of you look over at the painting of him listening to music on his headphones with a small smile on his face. "This was in my room?"

You nod, equally shy now that he's asking the questions upfront. "I-I just figured...you looked so warm and cozy then and that's always how I remember you so...yeah. That's also the one I'll be painting in the final work that's going in my thesis."

"Really?" His eyes widen even more, to which you simply nod once more before briefly looking away from him.

"Yeah, because my thesis is mostly on human relationships and, really, the rationale in all of these paintings is that I wanted to portray you as how you are in my eyes which is—"

Before you could even finish your thought, however, Beomgyu's oversized hoodie engulfs you and his lips land on your cheek. Then he gives you another peck, this time on a spot just slightly higher on the same cheek.

Then another, and another, before moving to another cheek. "You're amazing. I love you so much." He whispers against your skin dangerously close to your lips, almost as if he was telling you a very important secret.

And you know he means it differently than the other times he casually says it to you when he doesn't laugh excitedly between his words or jokingly force you to say it back as he would often do.

Instead, he punctuates the declaration by cupping your face gently and repeating the words again. "I love you so much. I love you the most." He sighs, meeting your gaze desperately.

And it's probably the years of knowing him that he doesn't have to elaborate on it further for you to catch on. At the same time, you feel a weight lift itself off of your shoulders at this, one that you haven't even realized you've been carrying along with you this whole time, hugging the boy back tighter with your arms on his waist in response.

“Can I?” He asks next, stroking your cheek with his thumb as his eyes momentarily flickers down to your lips.

You nod with a soft hum almost instantly, tilting your face as he closes the gap between your lips.

Beomgyu kisses you like it's the most natural thing in the world for him to do, his lips feeling comforting on top of yours as he conveys every built up feeling and all the kinds of love he’s had for you in the past 16 years and receives the same back from you.

And all negative thoughts you’ve had, worries that your best friend will never look at you the same way you’ve always hoped for him to, are immediately thrown off the window and replaced by the assurance that Choi Beomgyu, the nuisance who’s been affectionately stuck to your hip since day one, is in love with you.

"I love you." He repeats, voice muffled towards the end as he gives you another fleeting kiss before rubbing your noses together. "You know what I mean, right?"

"I love you too." You reply on your own accord, panting slightly as you fill your lungs in with air and biting your lip as you feel your face heat up after. "I outlined it out at the bottom of our painting too with my signature, in case you didn't spot it."

"Ya, I did." He chuckles sheepishly, briefly moving to sit away to put your paintings on the side of the bed. Before the space he previously occupied in front of you grows cold, his arms are back around you once more as he tackles you down on the bed. "I'll hang all of them in my dorm when we get back."

"You can't nail things to the walls then graduate. That's not how it works." You laugh with a shake of your head, encircling your arms on his neck as he props himself on his elbows on top of you. When he laughs along, something in your heart stirs happily at how the two of you could go from intimate to casual so smoothly, assuring you that nothing much is going to change—just now with more-than-friendly kisses and the assurance that your best friend feels the same about you. "Anyway, they're all small enough to go on your desk at the dorms and at the studio."

"Then I'll put them on my work desk at the studio. Everyone has to know I have a really talented partner."

"Partner?" You scoff teasingly against the sudden rapid beating of your heart, playfully pushing him away. "I'm your significant other now?"

"Didn't I make it clear enough with the kisses and the hug? Not even with the fact that I've been sticking by you my entire life?" He feigns a pout as he easily rolls the two of you over with you comfortably on top of him now. "Should we make out instead?"

Your face heats up more at the comment, eyes widening when he does press a longer kiss on your lips and even manages to open your mouth while you’re distracted. "That's also not how it works, Gyu!" You manage to successfully push him away and roll your eyes, hiding your face in his chest in embarrassment.

"Then will you be my significant other? I'll take care of you like I always have, just with more kisses! Maybe some other things too like just five seconds ago." He dramatically asks with a smirk, teasingly prying your hands away from your face. "What? You wanted me to ask!"

"What happened to having shit taste in people and dating each other being an insult, then?” You tease one last time, making him groan. "Or not liking anyone I like, hm? You’re kind of contradicting yourself here.”

"We’re contradicting ourselves. I think I know enough Math to know that negatives cancel each other out." He retorts before leaning down for another kiss and resting his head on your chest after.

"But you suck at Math.”

"Do you want help with the scrapbook or not?"

VI. (epilogue) MAYBE WE WORK A LITTLE TOO WELL

A big bouquet of red roses and sunflowers is dropped in your arms by Beomgyu for the second time in your life, purposeful this time as he follows it with a an extra daisy tucked in your ear and a kiss.

"Congratulations on the exhibit, baby!" He greets you giddily after with a grin and a soft pat on your head. "I’m so proud of you! You’ve worked so hard!”

"Ew, ew, ew, not in front of us, please." Hueningkai complains, hiding behind Yeonjun and Taehyun as you lead your friends around your thesis exhibit. “I’m a child!”

You roll your eyes, draping your free arm around Beomgyu's waist anyway as Ryujin and Yeji wander off to the portraits you made of your family while the boys approach your studies on your high school and college friends.

"I have another surprise, by the way!" Your boyfriend speaks up again, taking out his phone and placing an earphone on your left ear. "I may or may not have gotten the idea from that time you were finishing up your thesis in the studio."

"I'm fucking scared." You joke, adjusting the earphone anyway while he wears the right bud on his right ear. "What is this?"

From what you can remember of those all-nighters two weeks ago, you brought your remaining works in his studio to work with him in the same space. While Beomgyu was winding down from having just finished his own thesis and recording the demo for a new song, you were trying to work quietly in your own corner, alternating between singing TXT's old songs to yourself or mumbling about how you were going to present the written part of your thesis to Prof Kim.

You also remember making out on the studio sofa while you’re on break but you’re pretty sure (well, you’re hoping your boyfriend's not insane like that) that it’s not anything remotely related to that in particular.

Beomgyu then takes your hand, leading you to where Yeji and Ryujin are. "Let's start here. I followed your gallery's pamphlet but modified it a bit towards the end so we'll end up in the painting you made of us."

And when you do stop in front of the painting series, that of your family over the years, Beomgyu's pre-recorded voice rings through your ears.

"Hello and welcome to "Why We Work,” a senior thesis by artist and my beautiful, beautiful partner, Y/N Y/L/N." Beomgyu proudly announces in the recording, making you laugh out loud in an instant. Faint in the background, you can distinctly hear Maze in the Mirror's instrumentals playing. "Y/N, baby, are you tuning in? Congratulations on finally finishing your Painting thesis! I made you an audio guide!”

You smack the real Beomgyu on his arm as you try and regain your composure. "Ya, you brat! What is this?”

He only giggles in response, making a shushing gesture dramatically. "Shh, just continue listening in. I made it for the whole gallery."

You roll your eyes but tune in anyway, responding well to the commentary as you walk with Beomgyu and even discussing some of the works yourself live and more in-depth.

“This was really sweet of you.”

“It is sweet of me, you’re welcome.” He teases, earning him another smack on the arm.

taglist: @wccycc @4beomy

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gotinterest · 3 months

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I Want To Watch Kamen Rider, Which Season Do I Pick?

I'm going to focus on Heisei Era shows because those are the easiest to access and the ones most fans have watched so it's easy to find people to talk to about them. Every season of Kamen Rider is a different story with a different cast and vibe, so determining which season you should start on is largely dependent upon your personal taste. This list is based mostly on the shows I have watched or know a lot about, so it's not exhaustive. Some shows will be listed under more than one category, just depending upon what might be most important to you. Guide is located under the read more!

DO NOT START HERE: Kamen Rider Decade, Kamen Rider Zi-O, Kamen Rider Gaim. Decade and Zi-O are anniversary shows that lean HEAVILY upon Rider lore and referencing past seasons. You don't need to watch those seasons to understand the story, BUT you may get spoiled on key plot points from past seasons by watching them. Gaim is on here because it is almost universally hated and thought of as a terrible show.

WARNINGS FOR THE SHOWS RECOMMENDED HERE: Kamen Rider Blade is heavy in the flashing lights department and the opening in particular is known to bother photosensitive folks! All the seasons have flashing lights, but Blade is the one that people have straight up said they couldn't watch through because of how many flashing lights there are.

Kamen Rider Kuuga has a pretty gross transmisogynistic caricature in two of the episodes.

Kamen Rider OOO has a cafe that is nicknamed the "cultural appropriation cafe" by fans because the servers are frequently made to dress up in outfits from other cultures and it can be a bit offensive from time to time. It's not the worst I've seen in terms of "people dressing up as other cultures" and there isn't any black face or brown face but I still felt it worth mentioning since the cafe is a major part of the show.

Kamen Rider Faiz has a black character in it for a few episodes who is written in a way that gives "big dangerous strong black guy" stereotype. It's uncomfortable to watch.

RECOMMENDATIONS:

I don't really like kid's shows and I'd prefer something a little more mature: Kamen Rider Kuuga, Kamen Rider Ryuki, Kamen Rider Hibiki (eps. 1-29 only). If you are looking for a show that feels more mature, these are where you should start. The pacing of these shows is a bit slower and more thoughtful. Kuuga and Ryuki are both HIGHLY beloved. Kuuga is good if you really like monster of the week shows, Ryuki is more for you "overarching story driven" types. Ryuki is a bit more silly in places than Kuuga, but largely maintains a serious tone. Hibiki is very creative and experimental, but it doesn't really give you an accurate picture of what most Kamen Rider seasons are like because it is very different. BUT if you can't stand musicals do not watch Hibiki. ALSO stop watching Hibiki on ep. 29. After that there was a show runner change and the end of the show sucks. Ep.29 is largely considered a satisfying enough end to the show.

I like mature themes and concepts, but I'm fine with kids show silliness: Kamen Rider OOO, Kamen Rider Build, Kamen Rider W. If you constantly feel guilty for wanting things and taking up space, watch OOO. If you had a rough childhood and complicated feelings about your family watch W. If you want to watch a show about war, watch Build.

I love kid's shows give me silliness and fun!: Everything recommended in the second category + Kamen Rider Den-O, Kamen Rider Fourze. Den-O is a time travel story that is heavy on slapstick humor and has a lot of heart. You may have seen a a red horned guy named Momotaros dramatically swing his leg up to rest it on the bench of a booth- that's from this show. Fourze is a high school story about friendship and space!

I like to watch things that are bad but also good: Kamen Rider Blade. You can basically ignore almost the entire lore built up in the first half of the show. The writers certainly do. If you've seen people memeing on a guy named Tachibana... this is that show. This show is very easy to post about. Deeply funny but not on purpose in many places.

I want to watch one of the ones that are especially known for homoeroticism: Kamen Rider Kuuga, Kamen Rider Ryuki, Kamen Rider Blade, Kamen Rider OOO, Kamen Rider Build, Kamen Rider Faiz. Blade isn't initially very homoerotic until it very much is. Kuuga is for you if you want a more sweet and sincere vibe. OOO, Ryuki, and Build are more for if you like watching men bicker with each other homoerotically. Ryuki also contains a couple of side characters who read very much as a domestic couple (if you are big into the "loyal dog" type dynamic you will enjoy these two). Faiz is for you star-crossed lovers enjoyers that can also tolerate a stunning amount of heterosexual love drama (Blade is also a bit star-crossed). Watch Blade if you want to have a very personal grudge against a bench for the rest of your life. Kuuga and OOO are the most homoerotic.

I like weird shows where I don't know what the fuck is going on: Kamen Rider Kabuto, Kamen Rider Blade. If you watched Hannibal and were really into the way they talked and made a bunch of food, watch Kabuto.

I want something that leans more into horror: Kamen Rider Kuuga, Kamen Rider Agito. Kuuga can lean pretty hard into horror in places. Agito is a bit lighter, but still has more of a horror vibe to it.

I like mystery stories: Kamen Rider Kuuga, Kamen Rider Ryuki, Kamen Rider Agito, Kamen Rider Build, Kamen Rider W. There are other seasons with elements of mystery, but these are the ones where the mystery really takes more of a front seat. W in particular is actually a noir-inspired.

I want to watch the one with that blond curly haired Ankh guy that I keep seeing on my dash: Kamen Rider OOO

I want something that's a bit artsy and I also like or don't mind musical numbers: Kamen Rider Hibiki (eps. 1-29 only). The only Kamen Rider season where characters regularly break out into song. The sound track, editing style, and aesthetic of the show are so unique. Really strongly written. Do not watch past ep. 29 because of studio mandated changes ruining everything that made it worth watching.

I want to get a good intro to Kamen Rider: Kamen Rider W, Kamen Rider OOO, Kamen Rider Build, Kamen Rider Agito. Kamen Rider W and Kamen Rider OOO are considered great starter seasons. They give you a pretty good feel for Kamen Rider's formula while overall being pretty solid shows. Build gives you a good vibe for how Kamen Rider seasons with bigger casts feel while giving a good balance of serious and silly. It also gives you a bit of a better feel for what some more recent Kamen Rider seasons are like stylistically. Kamen Rider Agito is just a solid early Heisei show that gives you a feel for the tone of a lot of early Heisei shows WHILE also being a good starter show for you to dip your toes into the works of the infamous Toshiki Inoue. Inoue is a prolific writer of tokusatsu shows that most fans have a love/hate relationship with. He is the main writer for several Kamen Rider seasons, specials, and movies and has written several episodes even in shows that he wasn't the main writer for.

WHERE TO WATCH:

Legally: Ryuki and Kuuga (along with the original Kamen Rider from the 70's which is good cheesy fun) can be streamed on Tubi (at least in the US). If you understand Japanese and have a VPN (or are in Japan) I believe most of the seasons are on Hulu.

*I actually wouldn't recommend watching Kuuga FOR THE FIRST TIME on Tubi because the Grongi subtitles are baked in and you can't turn them off. I strongly believe that a key part of the first watch experience is not being able to understand the Grongi, as was the original intention of the show's creators. You can buy the blu-rays for Kuuga and toggle the Grongi subtitles if you really think its worth it to spend the money*

Alternative: You can watch them on most illegal streaming sites, lol. The only season I've seen where that has been an issue so far is Den-O, with the uploads being kinda wonky and partially missing.

There is... another source but I shan't link to it directly here (loose lips sink ships!) Please reach out to your nearest Kamen Rider blogger for the goods.

#Kamen Rider #I'll update this as I watch more shows

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bullet-prooflove · 4 months

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Meet The Writer! - Also a Year in Review

I don't usually do this but I thought I would throw up a meet the author post so you could get to know me a little more!

I think sometimes it's hard to remember that's actual people behind the usernames we see on our screens so I thought I'd pop up and say Hi.

So a few things about me:

I'm 36 heading towards 37.

I have a Master's in Creative Writing and run a very small, local social media company, which is more side hustle then income but I love my clients.

In April I came off my antidepressants for the first time in over a decade and it was like I could see the world in technicolour, music sounded richer to me and it completely changed my life.

I've struggled with mental health issues the majority of my life, the latest being August of this year when I had a breakdown which has led to a complete re-evalutation of my life. It made me very ill and I am still in recovery as we speak.

In August/Sept I started putting out my work for publication and have been published three times this year.

In Nov I quit my job working with teens in the care system due to a toxic workplace situation that caused my breakdown. This was truly terrifying as I am not entitled to any benefits because frankly the UK benefits system is a joke.

Doing this has given me the space to look at what I want to do moving forward. I signed up to a few places as a creative writing tutor and had my first client on 30th Dec. I honestly loved the experiance and have decided it's something all the time. So if you're looking for help with that pain in the ass manuscript hit me up!

I'm also developing a portfolio as a makeup artist and gel nail tech, things I wanted to explore when I was working full time but never had the chance to.

When I look back I can't believe how much has changed for me in the past year and I never envisioned that I'd be where I am now. There have been times when I've thought I wouldn't make it through the year but I did and I'm still here, still growing. I guess I hope that if there's anyone else out there, who has struggled or is struggling this resonates with you.

You're not alone, I've been there and so many other people have too. We are more than just names behind a keyboard and I thought it was just important to remember that.

Anyway I've rambled long enough!

Happy New Year to everyone who is trying to make it in this messy world.

#meet the writer #writer life

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bibbityboppitybillyharvgrove · 5 months

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Holiday Blues - S.Rogers

Summary - Steve Rogers loves the holiday season, going all out with baking cookies, blasting holiday music and watching a constant stream of holiday movies. Y/N, his floormate and teammate, never celebrated the holidays and he wanted to know why. It takes her time but she finally opens up to him after an impromptu sparring session at midnight.

Word Count - 2117

Author's note - Welcome to Day 8 of my 25 days of fics! This is getting uploaded later than I usually do because it was not written in advance. School has been crazy with the end of the semester coming next week so I have been very busy. I hope you enjoy!

Warnings - Hydra, mentions of torture and brainwashing, Steve is a very patient man, not proofread, vulgar language, use of Y/N, Female Reader, (let me know if I missed any!)

my masterlist

25 days of fics masterlist

Feedback is welcomed and encouraged!

Enjoy!

not my gif

As she got older and the world became an increasingly worse place, it was hard to get into the Christmas spirit. She had seen most of the horrors of the world, alien invasions? Check, more than once. Half the world disappearing? Check. Meeting 2 men that were born during World War I? Check and check. She herself was much older than most people assumed, she was born during the late 20s so she knew how the two men felt.

However, only one of them embraced the holiday spirit and that was Steve. Steve who had probably seen worse than most of them, other than Bucky and Nat of course. Steve who was used as propaganda during the war. Steve who was ‘America’s Golden Boy’. Steve who was Captain America. A majority of the world never thought of Captain America as Steve Rogers, no, they thought of a strong man who had been a world protector starting with the second world war. Sure he was frozen for nearly 80 years but that didn’t matter to them, what mattered was the image America attached to him.

Y/N, who was a bit younger than Steve, still understood him better than most. She knew what it was like to be used for the ‘betterment’ of society. She knew what it was like for nobody to truly see the person she was. She knew what it was like to be frozen in time for decades and wake up confused and lost in a world filled with all this new kind of technology. She knew and Steve understood that. He understood that they went through similar things in their lives. He understood what she felt deep down but never let it show.

Speaking of the horrors she had faced, well there was more than just alien invasions. She had faced escaping from Hydra, who was thought to be dormant. She had to face constant brain washing and memory wiping because no matter how often it was done, there was still a little piece of her inside that was fighting. That little piece was fighting for everything it had which wasn’t a lot. She was poor, her parents had died and her sister had moved to another state with her husband. She was left alone and Hydra saw this, Hydra saw a girl that was lonely and needed somebody so they became that somebody. She was manipulated into becoming a pawn in their game.

She had lost her faith in humanity long before she had woken up in the 21st century. But as she lived in this new century, she felt more out of place than she ever did. Because of this, she hadn’t felt the need to celebrate any holidays or any of her own birthdays. To her, these were miniscule things in a huge world of issues that needed to be resolved.

With living in the Avengers tower, it was quite hard to get away from holidays. Almost every inch of the tower had been decorated for the holiday season, Christmas lights and Hanukkah candles staring her in the face every time she left her room. She had even told Tony that she didn’t want her floor to be decorated but he ignored that request and her floor was decorated anyway.

Even Bucky, who shared her floor, didn’t want the decorations up. He too could care less about the holidays after all of the horrors he had seen. The two of them brought up the point to Steve who was the other person on their floor. Tony thought it was funny to keep the three of them together and call it the glacier floor but that’s besides the point. Steve admitted he was the one who wanted the floor decorated. Bucky and Y/N knew that Steve had a particular love for holidays, no matter what kind of holiday it was.

The two couldn’t be mad at him so they ignored the decorations the best they could, ignored the constant baking the best they could and ignored the constant holiday movies and songs the best they could.

Steve, on the other hand, was trying to get the two of them excited for the holidays. He couldn’t understand why they hated holidays so much so he took to asking. Bucky was okay with the holidays but Y/N would almost disappear during them. He had asked Bucky first and all he said was he was too old to celebrate holidays to which Steve scoffed at his life-long best friend. Steve knew it was an excuse but he brushed it off since Bucky had started watching holiday movies with him and helped him with his baking.

Steve couldn’t seem to get a straight forward answer from Y/N though. It was like she hated talking about the subject of holidays all together. But Steve watched as her walls cracked a little bit and her true feeling shone through.

“I used to love the holidays, especially when I still had my parents around and my sister. We had so many traditions that I couldn’t keep track but as I got older and my parents' health deteriorated, we stopped our traditions because they were becoming too much. After they died and my sister and her husband left the state, I was alone so I didn’t feel the need to celebrate the holidays anymore. I had nobody to celebrate them with, I guess I just never went back to celebrated after waking up,” She explained to Steve, but he knew there was more to the story. Her voice changed a lot as she spoke about why she stopped celebrating but it wavered the most when she said she stopped celebrating. He could tell she was lying to him just by her voice but she also avoiding his eye contact and was shifting from foot to foot. Those were her usual tells that she was lying.

“There’s something more that you aren’t telling me, isn’t there?” He asked her.

“There is but let’s save that for another day.” So they did save it for another day, Steve brushing it off until she looked particularly off, more than usual during the winter holiday season.

“What’s going on? You seem upset,” Steve asked her quietly one night in the kitchen. He was cleaning up after a baking disaster with Bucky, the other super soldier going off to bed after. It was just the two of them as it neared midnight, the only light being the gentle ceiling lights that hung over the island.

“Just thinking about my life back in the 30s. I couldn’t sleep so I spiraled a bit and needed to get out of my own head for a bit. Wanna head to the gym with me?” She offered him. He put the rag he was cleaning with down and followed her to the elevator so they could go to the gym.

“You wanna talk about it?” He questioned gently, not trying to pry the information out of her.

“Maybe after I get some energy out.”

So as they entered the gym after getting off of the elevator, it was quiet. He had never heard the gym so quiet before, usually music was playing or someone was in there training but it was desolate. Y/N loved coming to train at this time, enjoying the quiet and the privacy it provided. The two of them sparred for a bit, and by a bit that really means nearly 3 hours before one of them got even remotely tired.

“You wanna tell me what’s going on now?” Steve asked as they both laid on the floor of the ring, panting and sweating from their long spar session.

“I was taken by Hydra 75 years ago today and tomorrow will be 75 years of me having the serum in my body. It’s why I hate the holidays so much, they remind me of Hydra and what they did to me. Reminds me of times when I was younger and able to believe in my family’s traditions. When I was innocent and not a monster that Hydra created. When I was me,” She explained absently. She was staring at the ceiling as she talked and continued on as he spoke back.

“So Hydra took you on Christmas Eve and you got the serum on Christmas day? Why would they do that to you? You were so young!”

“Because I was alone and sad. My parents had just died, my dad dying of cancer and my mom dying of a broken heart, my sister got married and left to some southern state with her husband. They saw that I was vulnerable and alone so they used that as their opportunity to take me. I went willingly because I thought that I was doing the right thing, they really knew how to play mind games. Then I met Bucky, he was still Bucky but he was getting tortured and brainwashed right next to me until he wasn’t Bucky anymore. I was the next in line, getting the serum hurt like a son of a bitch, I didn’t think I would live but I did. Then came my torture and brainwashing. I put up a hell of a fight, nearly 40 years until I gave up fighting.”

Steve’s heart was heavy as she talked, not knowing what to say so he just listened. “There were a few times I almost died but they never let that happen, I was a winter soldier, one of two compliant soldiers they could use and abuse however they liked. I was in and out of cryo just like Bucky, when I was in he was out and when he was out I was in, that made for the consistency that they wanted and craved. The last time they sent me on a mission with Bucky was to kill Howard and Maria. I spent so many years of my life frozen in some unclaimed territory so when I escaped right before the issue with SHIELD, I had no idea who I was or what I was doing. I had such a hard time adjusting to everything going on because the last time I was out of cryo was the 90s where technology wasn’t as advanced. That’s probably why you found me so quickly, I didn’t know how to lay low and in the shadows in this new world.”

“Come with me,” Steve said, getting up and holding out his hand for her to take. She grabbed his hand, pulling herself up and followed him. He hadn’t let go of her hand and neither did she. They left the tower, both of them in sweaty pajamas, and walked through the streets of New York City. She had no idea where Steve was taking her but she willingly followed. They finally stopped right in front of the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree, brightly lit and holding the winter snow in all of the right places to make the view even more breathtaking.

“That’s beautiful, I haven’t seen this in person ever. I never realized how pretty it actually is,” She rambled about the beauty of the large evergreen.

“I know holidays are tough and trust me I understand what it’s like to spend them alone, but you don’t have to, not anymore. You have me, Bucky and the rest of the team. We can start new traditions, just me and you and go from there. How does that sound?” Steve asked her, his eyes lit up with joy and wonder, he looked like a kid in a candy store.

“Can this be one of them? Seeing the tree at 3 in the morning on Christmas eve?” She asked innocently as she looked into his storm blue eyes.

“Of course it can. We can add a new one every year.”

She smiled a real smile for the first time since November had rolled around. The two of them enjoyed the view of the tree and the company of one another as the sun started to rise. They stood there until the sun was up and the streets were getting busy before making their way back to the tower. The two of them happy as could be, hands intertwined as they practically skipped through the tower and to the main kitchen floor where they had breakfast as a team every morning.

Y/N was happy to be starting new traditions with someone she loved dearly, someone who cared about her but never pried her for anything that was on her mind, someone who let her take her time opening up and going to him in times of need. Someone she needed in her life.

#steve rogers x reader fluff #steve rogers x you #steve rogers fluff #steve rogers x reader #steve rogers #captain america #bucky barnes #the winter soldier #mcu #marvel #the marvel cinematic universe #marvel cinematic universe #marvel mcu #marvel studios #marvel movies

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slavghoul · 1 year

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Slav, do you ever just get the feeling that Ghost is getting turned into everything it shouldn’t be? I have always frowned on gatekeeping things and exposure is good for a band’s success etc but it’s putting me in the mind of all of the various things in the world that were ruined by too many tourists. Like national parks getting trampled or famous statues being discolored after everyone needed to touch it. You know? To be fair I’m a chronic overthinker but I can’t help but feel like I’m witnessing it (the fan side, not the music itself) being twisted into exactly what Tobias would hate.

This response came out VERY lengthy, I apologize in advance.

To answer your question shortly: yes, I do feel that way sometimes. However, I would be hesitant to involve TF in this discussion because I don't know him on a level that would allow me to gauge his true feelings on any particular matter. If I were to say "I hate it when Ghost fans [blah blah blah], because he would hate that!" it would only be an attempt to justify my own opinion about something, not a genuine concern for his feelings. Implicitly, I would also be shaming other fans and making them think that they are enjoying the band "the wrong way" when in reality, they simply enjoy it differently than me. That's unfair because I have no right to dictate how others should perceive Ghost. Everyone's experience with the band is unique and personal to them, and I have no authority to infringe upon that.

I think the sort of disillusionment that you describe is a common experience when you're a fan of virtually anything and it evolves. There's no solution for it. It just is what it is. The question is, to what extent is it a result of the band "being turned into something it shouldn't be" and how much of it is simply due to our own personal sense of nostalgia?

If you became a fan of the band several years ago, you'll likely always look back on those times through rose-tinted glasses. No other experience will ever compare to the emotions you felt back then, because they were formative and unique to that time in your life. You may continue to enjoy the band, but it's unlikely that anything will be able to replicate the same level of excitement and anticipation you felt when you were first introduced to them.

Of course, it's true the band has evolved and there's no denying that the community has undergone a significant shift over time. If you had seen them in concert a decade ago, the majority of the audience were people in their 20s and 30s. You had an odd kid here and there and the occasional, let's say, 'senior citizen' headbanging, but majority were young adults. It made for a very different dynamic which was also reflected in online spaces in terms of what was being discussed, how it was being discussed, and what the focus was on. These days, Ghost attracts a much wider age range with a significant portion of their current fans being on the younger side, pre-teens and teenagers. That's fantastic actually, I am very happy that is the case and I welcome them all. However, being 30-ish myself, I simply don't enjoy things in the same way they do and I don't focus on the same things they do.

It's very easy to become jaded when that's the case because you start to feel like you're no longer part of the target audience, and that can be disheartening. I make a conscious effort to prevent that from becoming an issue for me because I love Ghost dearly. At its core, it is still the same band I fell in love with. TF is doing exactly the same thing he has always done, but now on a larger scale, obviously. It's not being transformed into anything it hasn't been before. It's a bit more commercialized, sure, but that's not a crime.

Basically, it's up to us to decide how we want to engage with what is being offered. You need to find a way of consuming Ghost in a way that is comfortable to you or else you may get disenchanted very fast.

At the risk of sounding like a giant dick, I will admit that I intentionally stay away from the fandom and don't follow anyone because.. man, it's actually impossible to say this without sounding like a dick.. because I don't see eye to eye with majority of other fans and it taints my experience if I see too much of what others are saying or doing. To reiterate the point I made earlier, it doesn't mean that others are doing anything wrong and I'm doing it right; no, we are simply doing it differently. I made peace with the fact that I can't control how others act and that's completely fine. I live in my own little Ghost bubble, which, although solitary, is a tranquil place. I decide what I want to see and what I want to share, and who I want to talk to and about what. That's my way of remaining levelheaded and keeping the thoughts you describe at bay.

Apologies for crafting a whole ass high school essay on this fine Friday evening.. if you know me you know that I think and talk a fucking lot, hehe. I don't even know if anything of what I said makes sense, probably not. If you're still reading, thank you and sorry!

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raytorosaurus · 2 years

Text

want to preface this by saying that this has nothing to do with frank himself and it is not about “frank girls vs ray girls.” i’ve just been seeing some posts the last few days - just from a small group of people, i’m not making statements about “frank girls” in general at all - and i want to say that if frank is your favourite and your reaction to ray getting similar levels of fan attention to him for the first time literally ever is to get defensive and act like this is a slight against frank, maybe think about that. especially given the recent much-overdue conversation about fandom racism in relation to ray, and especially if you didn’t engage with that conversation.

like. since the breakup and up until this reunion tour has started, frank has pretty consistently been the most popular member of my chemical romance. this is of course understandable because he’s a deeply lovable guy and can largely be attributed to the fact that he’s the one most in the public eye, but ray was out there doing regular interviews in 2016, making blog posts, even appearing on a couple of podcasts, and he was never afforded the same amount of attention from both fans and major music publications as frank has been. i know there’s a lot of factors that go into this and a lot are understandable but if you were paying attention to the recent conversations about subtle self-perpetuating racial biases in emo/rock culture, you have to acknowledge that some of those factors are inextricably tied to those racial biases. i have genuinely no idea where the idea that ray somehow gets more credit than frank/more credit than he deserves comes from - as if he’s not been consistently underappreciated by mainstream music culture because of the homophobia and ableism linked to being associated with my chemical romance in general, and also by mcr’s own fanbase because of the reasons we discussed the other day - largely, because he’s not one of their twinky white faves. frank in the past few weeks receiving less attention for his guitar/backing vocals/stage presence than ray is not in any way comparable to the way ray has been overlooked for decades or wildly mischaracterised as a) a controlling technical musician who was disenganged from the emotional and thematic messages of mcr (at best) or b) weirdly hostile towards frank or vaguely homophobic/transphobic (at worst). again, these perceptions of him are so far removed from reality and from everything ray stands for and are largely rooted in him being seen as the straight masc one for years due to his race (discussed by many people recently but for example here). also i feel like i shouldn’t even have to mention this but ray is more complimentary and respectful of frank’s talents as a musician than literally anyone else, and anyone who’s paid attention to a word out of ray’s mouth knows that.

again, this is not meant to be a criticism of frank in the slightest and obviously it’s 1000% understandable and cool if he’s your favourite. and it’s of course okay to want to discuss your own fave more than you discuss the others! but please think about how you look if you’re complaining about him not getting enough attention these past two shows specifically or acting like discussing ray = belittling frank. and please don’t take this post as a reason to get defensive. it’s just okay if someone else gets attention too and that doesn’t mean frank isn’t loved and appreciated in his own right. we don’t have to behave like toddlers.

#frank would be embarrased abt this behaviour ngl sjdkljsgs #also 'making fun of frank in an affectionate mannter' =/= minimising his talent and most of that actually comes from frank stans anyway #idk what to tag this #fandom

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vintagestagehotties · 1 month

Text

FAQ

Welcome to the vintage theatre showdown! The Vintage Theatre Actress Tournament to determine the hotness of vintage theatre ladies will begin Saturday, April 13. Submissions are currently closed! Hot male actors will come soon, but I’m in a ladies mood at the moment.

Can I currently submit hot ladies?

Submissions are now closed. Round 2 of the tournament will begin on May 4th!

How long will round 2 last?

A little less than two weeks! It will begin on May 4th, have roughly 10-11 polls per day over the course of five days, and closes voting a week after the last poll is posted

What are the criteria for contestants?

Your hot lady must:

Have a significant theatre career - ie, more than two theatre credits to her name, have played leading or featured roles, won awards, etc.

Have had a decent chunk of their career take place pre-70s (if they made their stage debut in an ensemble in 1969 but then became famous in years to come, I’m not counting it)

Exceptions to the above will be accepted at my discretion - for example, maybe she only played one or two shows but earned a Tony Award. To take into account the racism of past theatre, exceptions will be made nearly always for the sake of inclusivity and diversity

What counts as theatre?

I am accepting performers from plays, musicals, revues, and operas. Other types of stage performers (for example, comedians and ballerinas) will be accepted on a case by case basis, provided a case could be made that their stage career involved a degree of acting. I’m accepting Broadway, West End, worldwide productions, tours, even regional theatre counts!

What counts as vintage?

The timeline to be considered vintage for this tournament is 1900-1969. A lady can have a significant chunk of her career post 1970 or in the 19th century, but at least some of it has to be within this time frame.

Can I submit propaganda?

Yes! You can send propaganda to my asks or submissions, or you can tag me in reblogs or posts. However, I won’t be posting or reblogging any propaganda until the tournament starts except the posts I have queued to lead up to the tournament’s beginning.

What tags do you track?

I track the tags #vintagestagehotties and #vintagestagepoll

The #vintagestagepoll will be the tag for all of the polls, while #vintagestagehotties is for anything relating to the tournament

Why did you use this photo/propaganda/etc…?

Propaganda is entirely submitted. I try to remain as impartial as possible and will simply post the propaganda that is submitted to me, however I will not use negative propaganda.

If you dislike the photo used for an actress, send me an alternative and I’ll see what I can do!

How will the pairs be selected?

For round 1, depending on how many ladies end up making the cut, I’ll probably pit similar decades against each other and then be more random in following rounds.

There is a lot of overlap between theatre stars and film stars, and a great many major vintage film stars had successful theatre careers as well. So, in order to avoid the last rounds turning into a hot movie star competition, round 1 will see the incredibly famous movie stars pitted against each other. This is in the spirit of fairness to give lesser known actresses with only theatre careers more of a fighting chance.

Will there be future polls?

Yes! I do plan to do a poll for vintage stage men as well, plus I have a few others planned - vintage women in STEM is pretty definite, and I’m tossing around the idea of a silent film star poll, a vintage ballerina poll, a femme fatale poll, and a poll just for vintage opera stars. And to be honest there’s enough vintage stage women in the world that I could easily do a second tournament for them!

Edit, clearly I HAVE to do a Peter Pan actress poll in the very near future

#vintage poll #vintage tournament #faq #submission form #hot vintage #vintage ladies #vintagestagehotties

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endreal · 3 months

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Ayyy a fellow dual E & T hrt user! How do you like your set up and do you wanna share what got you there?

Privacy is important please don't feel compled to provide personal information

Sure! I guess in some ways I'm surprised I don't get more questions about this.

I first realised I was Not Cis in...actually probably 2004 but I didn't have language to describe it at the time - all I knew was that David Bowie Pissed Me Off for incomprehensible reasons that had nothing to do with his personality or his music. I just Could Not Look At That Guy without feeling Extremely Complicated Feelings.

Anyway, a lot happened in the end of that decade and I started my first binary transition in the '10s. It actually went pretty stellar, all in all. It's just that...after 3-4 years I realized I wasn't any happier about myself than I was beforehand. It didn't "fit" right, y'know? Anyway after a lot of internal turmoil and some blessed insightful words from @kipplekipple I finally accepted that hey, maybe this whole binary thing isn't for me and I'm agender. Or possibly bigender. Idk. Even more Not Cis than initially assumed.

Anyhow, from there I kicked off some scary-to-me conversations with my Dr. (who, to her credit, was impressively supportive) and got the second course added to my hrt regimen. And after about 2-2.5 years of periodic adjustments and calibrations to my hormones and blood tests (which I've become quite good at sitting the draws, if I do say so myself!), my levels have basically stabilised, which has been great in almost all ways... even tho it does mean that I now experience period-like cycle every 3ish weeks preceding injections. 🤦🏼

A lot of this happened...not exactly under the radar, but I also didn't beat drums and yell about it from the mountaintops. A big part of this is because I had other life shit going on and a still-ongoing global pandemic swept thru everything in a major way, but I also have to acknowledge that part of it is because I had always been fairly open about being queer and trans, and I was afraid (yes, afraid) that my story might get picked up by bad-faith actors as a detransition narrative when in fact it was anything but that. So this is probably the first time I've said all the pieces of this all together and "out loud" even tho I've made plenty of passing mentions about different parts of it over time. So thanks for asking directly!

PS. for what it's worth, I later realised that my Complicated Bowie Feelings were essentially jealousy. I've accepted by now that I'll never be a vaguely luminous avatar of human androgyny (sorry David Bowie. sorry Grace Jones and Annie Lennox. sorry Link Legendofzelda.)... but I still give it my best try, in the ways that I can. :)

#Endreal in real life #agender

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glassprism · 5 months

Note

You've been in the phandom and on tumblr for a while and i've always been curious as to if you have any takes on how it's changed over the years? or perhaps just the overall attitude towards trading has changed? if at all?

I think the changes in attitudes in the phandom and the changes in attitudes towards trading are two separate things (trading overlaps with multiple musicals and all while also having it's own separate shifts), so I'm just going to stick with changes in the phandom!

I will also note that I've only been in the phandom since around 2010, which might seem long to some but doesn't to me, because I know people who have been around at least a decade longer than that. I should also say that even though I interact with the phandom on multiple platforms, I'm not everywhere and I can't read, you know, every forum thread or every post on Tumblr. As such, there will be thinks that I'll miss, as I can only speak to what I personally witnessed on the platforms I was engaged in, because that's what I know best!

With all that said, I'm going to split this into four parts.

Attitudes towards characters. I talked about this to some extent in a recent ask about the role of Christine, but in a general sense, there's been a shift towards appreciating Christine, Raoul, the Persian, Carlotta, and other supporting characters, or at the very least, taking a more complex view of them. This also applies to Erik to a large extent, and I've also seen a trend of seeing him as less the seductive, commanding figure and more love towards him as, I dunno, a weird sewer man. Honestly I could probably devote entire asks to each of these, but suffice to say, way more love for characters other than Erik.

Attitudes towards ships and fic. I put these two together because they're so complementary, though it also ties into the above attitudes towards characters. I think it's safe to say that, just like Erik used to be the most popular character, Erik/Christine was also the most popular ship. But I've definitely seen a large swelling of love for the other ships in the last decade or so: Raoul/Christine of course, but also things like Pharoga (the Persian and the Phantom) and Firdre (Firmin/Andre), Meg/Christine or Carlotta/Christine, and many a crack ship such as Rerik (Raoul/Erik) or Erik/Mirror Bride, Erik/Therapy, or Raoul/Madame Giry (though maybe this is just from one place). OCs (Original Characters) are much more in vogue as well and I feel like people are more willing to accept ships with OCs without deriding them as Mary Sues or author wish fulfillment and what-not. I think E/C will always be the most popular ship but people are much more willing to say that they ship something that's not E/C, or even to say they don't ship it, and to write non-E/C fic without worrying about getting blasted.

Attitudes towards adaptations. Going to be honest, what prompted this was me thinking about the seismic shift in perspective towards Susan Kay's Phantom, namely that it went from "This is better than Leroux!" to "Yikes". But that's only one example of a general pattern of appreciation for other versions besides the ALW musical - Leroux for sure, especially as people start to figure out the differences, sometimes major, between translations, but also towards, say, the Yeston/Kopit musical, the David Staller musical, other film adaptations, even Love Never Dies (which I think people sort of look upon now with a fond, "Oh you, you silly trashfire musical, I love you"). In short, more love for other versions.

Social justice issues. Lastly, I think the phandom has really grown more aware of various issues within and without Phantom and its adaptations. There's a lot to cover, but just to hit a few major changes, I'd say: more discussion about the manipulation, toxicity, and abuse in Erik and Christine's relationship, much more discussion about grooming with regards to aspects of the 2004 movie, more support for racial inclusiveness in show casts as well as where adaptations tend to go wrong (see the gollywog in the ALW musical, the constant erasure of the Persian, Islamophobia and anti-Romani sentiments in various adaptations, etc.), a lot more open discussion of mental illness, ableism, and neurodiversity when it comes to various characters, discussions of characters being LGBT, and lots more. I think a lot of these things were either not discussed or just dismissed in the years before so it's really cool to see people being far more open about all this.

And there's lots, lots more I could talk about, but I'll leave it at those four major categories! Hopefully it gives you at least a broad overview of the evolution of the phandom in the last decade or so!

#GP gets asks #anonymous

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