I feel like i should talk about one of my favorite episodes of tvd aka the Mikealson ball, because my man was so ready to risk it all that night😭.

the way he mocked his mother when asked about his date, but then delivering the invitation and the dress to caroline's door himself, and from giving her lovey dovey eyes the whole evening to sweet talking and complimenting her every two seconds, while trying to impress her with his paintings, horses and promises about taking her to see the most beautiful cities in the world. he wanted her to like him so much and was so direct and vocal about his interest in her which was amazing. he acted like a true gentleman all evening🥹.

( You can't tell me she wasn't enjoying his attention. also, utterly stunning. )

Bonus:

( he was so fascinated by her beauty. )

And there she stood. It seems the stars had been kind enough to at least give her the decency of a normal appearance. She stood there, her tail gently swaying as he walked in her direction. She smiled, the stars in her form glowing a little brighter at the sight of him. He never realized how much he had missed seeing it. Seeing her. If not for the current state of things, it was as though the incident had never happened at all. It had though, and her eyes were the proof.

Posting this by itself because :) I just feel like he should have gotten to wear the mech pilot suit at least once..

(my AU black version and the og green)

If I see one more subscription service announced I’m moving to the woods and watching moss grow for entertainment

Hum...

it's been a month since we moved into the new apartment -

I'm so stressed. everything is stressful. we're still not done building the kitchen but it's getting there (slowly). mostly we just need to wait until we get a couple parts that weren't in stock when we ordered the rest. I'm hoping it'll be done by next weekend.

some of it is very frustrating with my brain specifically. I'm so bothered by all the tiny little things that no one else would even notice - like, some of the handles on the drawers are very slightly crooked (as in, less than a millimeter higher on one side) - but for me it's so obvious that it's impossible to ignore. my husband didn't even know what I meant when I pointed it out to him. there's also been a few slightly bigger issues, but we've solved them now (I think).

my eye has been twitching for like three to four weeks. not all the time obviously, but every few minutes. it's very, very annoying.

we still have no new info about when we'll have internet finally. it could take a while still.

on Monday a guy has to replace something in the electric roller shutters in one room - but we don't know which one yet. so either I'll have to let him into my room (awful, uncomfortable, will have to tidy up tomorrow so he could even get to the window), or I'll have to get both our cats into their carrier if it's the one in my husband's room (awful, difficult, one of them doesn't like that so he'll be scared and I'll feel bad).

also on Monday the electrician will install our stove (if he has time). then we're getting two ikea deliveries. and I've got an appointment with my (new) GP because I need a prescription, and I'm very (verrry) nervous about it.

I miss watching TV. I miss tumblr and YouTube and messaging my friends whenever I want and sending them photos all the time. I miss order and structure and (some level of) routine. I miss using real cutlery (we still haven't found ours lol).

when I was finally starting to get used to the noises in this place, the family above us moved in with their baby that cries all the time very very loudly and most of the time right above my room. so now everything is different again and I'm not adjusting well and once again I can't sleep.

but, I've listened to 14 audiobooks since we moved! that's been nice. it was the same way when we moved the last time (just over a year ago..). my favourite by far was The Thursday Murder Club. I've got the other ones in the series but I'm trying not to listen to them too quickly, so I'm gonna listen to three other books first (one is done already, so I should get there on Monday or Tuesday hopefully).

i know im probably the small percentage of Splatoon players that care about camera mode (or even use it lol), but i hope the last part of the season trailer means we can go recon stages during splatfest and actually see it at night

tired girl hours i’m just ranting bcos i don’t have enough time to cry

man, i just want good halo fics to read, but like. none of them have piqued my interest lately. the most recent halo fic i found interesting was one on ao3 which is set where the unsc are aboard the shadow of intent and everyone's playing the "let's learn to get along game".

before that? months. the last halo fic i read that i was into was something i read months and months ago, about blue team doing stuff on ballast post-halo 5.

it's annoying though because my fic likes are so narrow; i honestly have more dislikes than i do likes.

i mentioned this but my grandfather passed away last week. he was 95. my grandmother died in february of 2021 and it's really something that he made it that long without her at his age. they were married 69 years and had 7 children and 21 grandchildren, as well as 11 great grandchildren now with two more on the way. his wake was wednesday night and the memorial mass and burial were yesterday.

my auntie cindy married my dad's oldest brother i believe 50 years ago now. they were high school sweethearts. she knew my grandparents since she was a child, so did the rest of her family for that matter. my grandmother or sometimes my father used to mention a boy in the neighborhood who had unfortunately died very young of a drug overdose. no one outright told me this but i put together when i got older that that was cindy's brother. this is to say of all the in laws that cindy was well acquainted with my family for the longest time, and my family with hers as well.

some months after my grandmother's death, that spring or early summer, cindy had sent out a letter to everyone recalling growing up around my grandmother and marrying into the family, maintaining that relationship for decades. she mentioned something her brother used to say that my grandmother would often quote when cindy wasn't around. she closed the letter with, "i just wanted you to know that i loved your mother like she was my own," which i think was always very evident. cindy's own mother had passed away somewhere over a decade earlier. 4 or 5 years ago diana and i were over her house with our mother, cindy referred to a picture of her mother in the kitchen and said "i talk to her all the time." she's not religious, if that makes it any different. she and everyone else in my family were raised catholic but if you ever get on the topic with her, she thinks the bible and christianity and everything are a load of bullshit. but regardless she does speak to a picture of her mother, which i think is pretty interesting. but i digress.

at the wake, there was a line to the coffin with my grandfather in it. cindy's a sociable person. i got in line behind someone i didn't know. a lot of family friends showed up. cindy came and started chatting her up and she introduced me, and then she told me she'd gotten in line about 6 times but shied away from actually paying her final respects. i was like, wanna do it with me? and she did. so we kneeled before the coffin and she caressed the rosary in his hands, and when we got up i mentioned how much i appreciated her letter in 2021, and it took her by surprise. she said she had wanted to read it as a eulogy at her mother-in-law's funeral but she and my other aunt ended up in a bad argument around it. neither of them are perfect, to be clear. that's not why i'm making this post and i don't plan to elaborate on that.

but anyway, after the burial yesterday everyone went to lunch. i could tell all of my dad's siblings appreciated having each other after both of their parents have died. last weekend my dad and his brother that he's closest to went out to lunch because both my mom and aunt thought they needed it, i know first hand my dad has been very down in the dumps about everything. but anyway, after lunch yesterday when cindy was saying goodbye to me, she rubbed my chin and said "thank you, that was so sweet of you to bring up the letter about connie last night. do you know you had me crying on the way home?"--i don't think i have ever seen cindy cry.

[cws: non-detailed discussion of both fictional and irl SA/CSA/abuse dynamics, apologia for the previous, homophobia, fetishization of wlw, and anti rhetoric.]

-

having a lot of thoughts about the wider fandom's treatment of the various abuse dynamics present in sdmi--supposedly in the name of being anti-abuse--and how instead it's propagated deeply anti-survivor/abuse apologist sentiment and behavior through where they choose to apply that rhetoric, and where they choose to look the other way.

(first off, if you're someone who does not and has not done this, thank you from the bottom of my heart. second, this is not at all exhaustive of my feelings on the subject and there will probably be more posts about these dynamics and people's behavior toward them in future. as you can imagine by the length of this post that is saying something lmao)

one of the reasons i feel as strongly as i do about the way both canon and fandom have historically been about pericles, pericky, and shitting on anyone who likes them because it Normalizes Abuse(tm), is that their fans are pretty open and emphatic about the fact that it's Fucked Up. it's why we find it compelling. it is vanishingly rare that we don't.

meanwhile, velma is the UwU Cute Sassy Lesbian Icon whose relationship with shaggy was Cringy and Immature (and mutually so 🙃) at worst, when it directly mirrored such visceral aspects of my experience with CSA that i almost threw up rewatching the second episode.

and that's not even getting into how normalized it is for women to abuse men in a relationship, in broad fucking daylight in front of other people, and how men are supposed to Always Want It and it's an insult if they don't, and how the vast majority of CSA--which it overtly is in shaggy's case, he is implied not to be an adult yet--is perpetrated by other kids.

and it's also not getting into the fact that the ~cute lesbian relationship~ is almost certainly going to end up with the other queer girl in the show also being abused, because abusers are not Magically Cured by True Queer Love's Kiss. how it is incredibly difficult for survivors of abuse in a wlw relationship to be acknowledged or get support because then they'd be a Traitor, or people would rather maintain the feel-good fuzzy feelings wlw exist to give them, or they're closeted and it's not safe to let people know they're in a relationship with a woman. how queer relationships, especially between women, are fetishized as cute pure healthy fairytale romances and not dynamics involving real people who might harm each other or be harmed and need help.

and that's not even getting into the fact that mlm are seen as inherently predatory to an extent that the majority of other queer identities are not. how older queer men grooming boys is a classic homophobic stereotype used to justify violence toward them, up to and including lynchings, and how that is the abuse dynamic everyone in the show and fandom latched onto to revile as the Disgusting Evil Predatory One while giving everything else a pass. how mlm have a long history of forced institutionalization and psychiatric torture and abuse, and the Predatory Gay Man is subjected to decades of--you guessed it!--forced institutionalization and psychiatric torture and abuse, which is framed as what he deserved and where he belonged. how he's supposed to be unattractive (and the majority of the people who do this shit lean hard on that), while people are way more likely to give Charming Attractive Aesthetically Pleasing abusers a pass.

this is just..... normal, to the fandom. it's treated as completely normal. and i think that's a whole lot more fucking harmful than finding emotional catharsis in exploring an abusive dynamic that would not fly in broad daylight irl in a million years.

Hellu hellu I am so all over the place rn, we keep like fixing one problem and having another take it's place so I'm pretty busy atm buuut I just wanted to say hi I'm not gone into the void, I'm still kicking and everything ;v;

idk if I mentioned it but amidst the chaos of having to get a new phone I also got an ipad and have been attempting to art on it which has been pretty fun (I was also able to finish one of the comms so now there's only two left and I am working hard on them 🫡😤💕)

the hits stop coming and they don't stop coming

i miss the 2020 lockdown

Fanny, my sweet, beautiful girl

17.11.2012 – 14.04.2019