do you ever think about how will probably wishes he was braver?
that he could tell mike the truth about himself without having to speak in code. that he could stick to his guns when he's been wronged and stand up for himself rather than tucking tail and turning the other cheek. that he could be less shy, less sensitive, less cowardly, and maybe then his loved ones wouldn't forget about him as often as they do.
maybe then they would pick him first, rather than leaving him for last. maybe then they would want to hang out with him and hear what he has to say. maybe then they would treat him like they used to, like he can still take care of himself just like they can, instead of like a fragile little thing that they pick up only when they need him. maybe then they would care about him as much as he cares about them. maybe then he wouldn't doubt that it could all come crashing down once they know who he really is, and always has been, because the rest of him would've been enough.
like, maybe he wishes he didn't freeze or run away so much. maybe he wishes he wasn't so afraid all the time, of every little thing. that he could be brave like mike, el, or his mom. i mean, el's been through so much, too. why can't he be more like her? why does he have to hide behind her? he hides behind her when the monsters come crawling back, and he hides behind her when he can't bring himself to say what he really means—even after getting on her case about it.
he spent so much time on that painting. he didn't let anyone see it—it was that special to him. why couldn't he own up to that? there's no monster in the van with him; it's just him and mike and this painting of the party, nothing inherently incriminating or romantic, and still—he can't help himself. he retreats back into the shadow, shrinks into himself, and tells lie after lie to the person that he never lies to, that he knows doesn't fucking deserve that, just because he's too scared.
of course he'd feel like a mistake sometimes. of course he'd hate who he is (if That script is to be believed), when he can't even talk to the one person that would understand without lying straight to his face, over and over again, like a fucking hypocrite. of course he'd feel so lost without the person that tells him it's okay to be this way and shows him that there is indeed strength in it. of course he'd hate who he is when he's encouraging someone to be true and speaking about their courage, all while being incapable of taking his own advice, and giving the credit for all of his love and efforts and emotions to someone else.
so many people died to bring him back, so many people died just because he didn't stay dead when maybe he should have, and for what? so that he can continue to hide rather than live his life? so that he can turn into a "worse" version of himself? so that he can live in fear? so that he can continue to ache for a past that he can never return to, while everyone else moves forward and berates him for not doing the same? time stopped in the upside down when will went missing, and he's been stuck there ever since, too. too much has happened for him to move on from. too much has changed—he's changed. he's too different now, in every way, and the older he gets the more clear it becomes.
of course he'd feel like a mistake. of course he'd hate who he is. he's the common denominator here: in his loneliness and in this war. the boy who came back to life when others didn't. the boy that got possessed and couldn't fight it. the boy that turned into a liar and a coward and must learn to live with it, even if it's at his own expense. the boy that can't let go of the past and whom the past won't let go of either, because even after everything, he's still connected to this great evil that won't let him go. they got it out of him, and yet the tether remains, because of-fucking-course it would.
just—why? why him? why can't anything ever go right with him? why is he always the outlier? i think that overwhelming amount of fear, shame, grief, guilt, exhaustion, and loneliness would wear anyone down, let alone a teenager that never asked for any of it and has experiences so unfathomably unique that the only other people that could have possibly understood are literally dead.
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pll rewatch 1x05 - 1x06
first liars sleepover! along with their convenient morning clothes despite the sleepover being impromptu
Emily and Spencer reassuring Aria it is absolutely not her fault that Byron is a cheating dickhead is sweet, and this is the first time we get Hanna and Aria being close, with the bonding over shaky marriages.
Of course Emily tells Aria that Byron and Ella will work it out and be fine. Whatever other faults Emily's parents may have, they have a rock-solid marriage, the good kind.
Hanna is scared of children and desires confirmation that six year olds don't bite <3 Look at the cat faces on the supposedly hideous uniform (and a liar yet again being so weird in public about the blind girl)
Spencer is such a Well Done Son Guy to her dad in 1x05, she's even eager to play catch with him (okay, volley a tennis ball.) God, I love how naive Spencer is about her family. She always wants to believe in them, and in the possibility of their forgiveness.
Emily has a bartender cousin who snuck her into a concert once. This is relevant to nothing but is a fun fact. Her and Toby bond over their indie music tastes
Best A message: "Lions and tigers and bitches oh my, there's no place like homecoming"
Close runner-up is "Hanna got dissed and Emily got kissed!" as a lead-up to A sending Hanna photos of Emily/Maya kissing.
Spencer keeping the jungle red lipstick in a ziplock baggie is so important to me.
Aw, Toby looks like such a kicked puppy when Emily doesn't acknowledge him at the Grille. I really do have a soft spot for S1!Toby, he can't help that he's got a creepy affect. And then he gets shoved into glassware at the end of this episode while trying to disclose something very difficult! Poor guy.
Aria making Mike watch a black-and-white film with her even while they're stressed about their parents is such an older sibling move, I must respect this.
Going from Peter Hastings being terrible to Ella and Byron having a yelling match in the living room to Ashley Marin talking to Hanna about Sean and Hanna's dad....Ashley Marin is best PLL parent to me <3
These girls really are their parent's kids, personality-wise, for better or worse
Hanna is So! Supportive! Of! Emily being gay! while leaking nothing. It is very cute. Hanna is in a one woman #ally competition and she is winning.
Though, really, it's interesting seeing how...tentative Hannily are in their friendship this early, knowing how their friendship progresses.
Okay, Hanna is tentative about nothing, but you know what I mean.
The other three liars barge in on Aria's mopefest - I wonder if Aria finds it hard to believe they really did drift apart the previous year, given how quickly they snap together for this non-A issue.
Oh Spencer, leaving in the middle of a slow-dance because she suddenly has an A theory, and then obsessively staring at Emily because she's terrified for her.
Love that we first see this with Emily. Won't be the last time.
The homecoming has a whole-ass boyband??? I had no memory of them
As an excuse for ditching the carnival stall, Aria goes, "oh you know, my claustrophobia got to me". .....RIP to Aria in a few seasons, that's rough buddy.
Spencer takes a day to realize the significance of Toby's tattoo; Emily sees 901 and immediately connects it to Ali's disappearance and death. Aria did just text her about Ali's killer, but I like to think that Emily would've made that inference regardless.
Stupendous A tag. Spray-painting over the population sign to decrement it by one? No notes.
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