#me getting hospitalized is toxic as we've established | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sat0sugu-angst · 1 year

Text

Fight Me, Fuck Me

a/n: happy valentiiiiiine's day!! Sorry this is a lil late i ended up picking up a shift at work so I wasn't able to finish it until this evening (which is kinda ironic ig but whatever). I seen a vid kinda similar (but less horny) on tt n couldn't resist imagining you and bkg getting in a fight on date night and lowkey being all hot n bothered with how yall are mean to each other 🙈 then w V-day around the corner I thought why the hell not lmao

wc: 3.5k

cw: afab!reader, reader is described as feminine but no pronouns are used, prohero!bkg, reader has a healing quirk and works at the hospital, yall can be toxic but that's why it's fun, established relationship, pet names (babe, my love), bakugo pays a lot of attention to your ass and thighs, reader and bkg are switchy asf, multiple orgasms, creampie, squirting, light spanking

all characters aged up +24

MDNI

---------------------------------------

You were silent as you continued doing your makeup, looking past yourself in the mirror to find red eyes focused on you.

Considering it was Katsuki, there wasn't a lot of aggression in his expression, but still, his eyes on you pissed you off. "Can I help you?" You asked, your attitude seeping into your tone.

He sneered, pushing off the bed and walking into the bathroom. "Not unless you can hurry that lil' ass up." He shot back. "We're gonna be late."

You and your boyfriend had impossible schedules. With you regularly pulling doubles at the hospital and Katsuki working his way up the hero rankings, you didn't often get a night off together for date night. Even the important couples holiday, Valentine's Day, was a day neither of you could take off. So this year, you decided to celebrate your own V-day, nearly two and a half weeks after the actual holiday.

The problem was you had mixed up your days, rushing home from the hospital in a flurry after getting a confirmation call that afternoon about the reservation from Katsuki’s assistant. You felt guilty, especially since he'd taken on planning the date night. But in typical Katsuki fashion, he'd blown up at you, yelling his head off as soon as you walked through the door. Then, despite your guilt, you were pissed at him.

"I told you on Tuesday that I was gonna be working today." You raised your brow, looking toward the bathroom with lips pursed. "If we're late, it's because you don't pay attention to anything I tell you."

"Babe, I already said I was sorry." You huff, unsatisfied. You turn back to your face in the mirror, reaching for your eyeliner. "And you told me that while I was in bed. You think I can remember the shit you tell me when I'm half asleep?"

You narrowed your eyes, trying to keep your hand steady as you did your eyeliner fuming mad. "Nice apology, Katsuki." You said dryly.

He emerged from the bathroom, and as he passed behind you toward the door, you caught a whiff of the cologne you'd gotten him for his birthday. God, it smelled so fucking good. Normally when he wore it, it was only a matter of time before you were on top of him, unbuttoning his belt. Not now, though. Not unless you were gonna use the belt to strangle him. "Don't fuckin' talk to me about apologies. You're the one who forgot about tonight in the first place."

"I didn't forget!" You whip around to face him. You had crazy eyes, you knew, but fuck, your boyfriend made you feel crazy sometimes. "We had different dates down, and I couldn't exactly leave work immediately. There was a bus accident today. The hospital was overrun. I can't just leave when people need me."

"People are always gonna need you. They're always gonna need me. Doesn't mean we don't need each other." You stilled, recognizing your own words. You'd said them early in the relationship, the first time your jobs were making it hard to be together.

"Are you trying to make me feel guilty? I can't even count how many dates we've had to cancel because you had a mission! But oh, because it's my job, it's a bad thing to be dedicated? Do you not take my job seriously?"

He groaned. "Babe. Do you know what I had to do to make tonight special for us? The strings I had to pull to get us a spot at this restaurant for tonight? If we were just gonna sit at home in our fucking underwear, it wouldn't be a big deal."

You were glaring, but turned your attention back to the real task at hand. "You know what, I can't even fucking talk to you right now. I need to finish getting ready." You could argue, or you could do your makeup. You could not do both.

He let out a bitter laugh. "Well, thank god for that!" He yells back, walking out of the room. You flushed with anger, the sudden urge to throw something at him. But you couldn't chase after him to scream anymore; if you really were late, you'd never hear the end of it.

Ten minutes later, you were off, heading toward the restaurant in silence. Well, silent except for the occasional passive aggressive sighs and grumblings about the music you passed back and forth during the twenty minutes it took to get there.

When you got there, the host offered to take your coats, and Katsuki’s hands were on your shoulders, helping you out of yours. The rough pads of his fingertips grazed over your shoulder, and you were acutely aware of his breath ghosting along your neck.

Fuck, you think, annoyed at the way goosebumps rise along your skin, always like a live wire when it came to his touch. You had to fight your body's urge to lean into his touch, your anger still simmering but somehow making everything hotter, more volatile. You needed to keep it together. You couldn't let him win the argument because you were a little horny.

The restaurant was elegant, elevated. The low light was warm against the white tablecloths, and you were glad you had purchased a new dress for the occasion.

Katsuki was dressed to impress, too; charcoal colored trousers and a black cashmere sweater. When he took off his own coat, you had to remind yourself not to check him out. At least not obviously.

You followed the host toward your table, Katsuki behind you. “Are you gonna be pissy the whole night?” He asked as you were sitting down, realizing the attitude had yet to leave your expression. He couldn’t admit the reason it’d taken him a second to realize you were still pissed was because he’d been too focused on the way your dress hugged your curves, or how he had wanted to run his hands over your hips as he’d taken your coat. No, he wouldn’t admit the reason his ears were red was because he couldn’t stop thinking about dragging your ass to a restroom, or back to the car, to fuck you so hard you forget about why you were mad in the first place.

You sneered at him, about to pop off with an insult, and maybe a curse or three, but you were greeted quickly by your waiter.

Katsuki ordered wine for you, and a dirty martini for him.

When the waiter left, you shot a narrowed look to your boyfriend. “I’m not pissy.” It was a blatant lie, but you couldn't be bothered to care about being fair.

He rolled his eyes. “Yeah, sure. You have been since you got home.”

“Well, I kinda had a shitty day,” you said, honestly. “Can’t imagine why you thought yelling at me would make me feel better.”

“Babe, really? You were supposed to be off today, then you text me that you were staying late. And you still stayed later than you said. I almost lost the fuckin’ table tryna change the reservation. We don't get to do this often, I'd like my fucking girlfriend to at least pretend to be excited about it.”

You groan a little, trying to not be loud and draw attention. This is not the place you wanted to have this argument, especially with someone as explosive as Katsuki, but you weren’t ready to concede, because if you did, he’d think he was right. “I told you since last week that I’d picked up the extra shift, on this day, and you didn’t say anything. I didn't do it to spite you, and I don’t really appreciate being blamed for an honest mistake as if I did it to piss you off. We’re here, aren’t we?”

“Yes, and this is just how I wanted to spend the evening with you.” He said dryly, sneering and turning his attention to the menu, effectively ending the conversation.

The rest of dinner, and even the drive home, was much of the same. Neither of you were able to drop the bickering long enough to really talk about anything. Over the course of the meal, one martini had turned into two, and you’d finished off the bottle of wine. You both were still mad, senses dulled, and emotions amplified. When you glared at him, you couldn’t help but focus on the shape of his eyes, how pretty he looked even when he was mad.

And all he could think about was how he wanted to fuck the attitude right out of you. Every sneer, every glare sent his way, pissed him off, but he couldn’t deny how fucking sexy you were when you were mad. Without even trying, you had him half hard in his pants, like he was some fucking teenager on his first date. He couldn’t stop thinking about it, even by the time you’d gotten home.

He rounded the car to I open the door for you, offering you a hand. You raised your brow at him, but let him help you out the car. Katsuki set his hand on the small of your back, just barely above your ass, only because he needed to touch you. He wanted to get you hot and bothered, until you were begging for him.

The heat from his hand did stir something low in your stomach, and you tried not to show how he affected you, not even looking in his direction. As his hand dropped from your back, his fingertips grazed your ass, and you rolled your eyes as he unlocked the door. “Don’t think that’s gonna make me forget I’m mad at you.”

"Tsk," he clicks his tongue at you, pushing open the door and flashing that smug smile he knew you couldn't resist. “You can be mad at me and still want me to fuck you.” He said shamelessly.

You felt your face heat at his boldness, and you had to look away, focusing on the door as he pushed it open. He moved, if only slightly, for you to walk in passed him, and you fought to maintain your composure. You loved it when he was like this, and he knew it was a sure way to get you in the mood and give whatever he asked of you.

He wasn’t wrong, either. You weren’t even really sure why you were still fighting, other than that you were being stubborn and, in a sick way, loved fighting with your boyfriend.

You walked past him, keeping your expression level. Katsuki watched you move through the house, following you into your shared bedroom. Despite your efforts, he saw right through you; he was certain he could have you apologizing and begging him to give you attention.

But you were determined, and when you wanted, could be even more stubborn than your boyfriend. Through the wine, or maybe because of it, you knew you’d succumb to him eventually. You always did, and happily. Tonight though, you wanted him to fold first.

So, you took your time getting undressed, going so far as to ask for Katsuki’s help unzipping your dress when you could've done it easily, letting it pool around your ankles before you stepping out of it. As you stood in front of your dresser, examining its contents and deciding what pajamas to slip into, Katsuki slipped his hands around your waist, settling on your hipbones. He pulled you back into him, and you felt him, hard, pressing again the small of your back.

You bit your lip, stifling the urge to lean into him, to rub against his erection, or worse, let out the sweet moan that threatened to expose you. After so many years together, he knew exactly what would make you crumble, and fuck, you almost did.

“I’m trying to get ready for bed.” You say instead, voice clipped. You reached for a pair of black shorts from the drawer, but his hand was covering yours, intertwining your fingers. Fighting to keep your expression even, you leveled a glare on him as he leaned over your shoulder. “You really wanna piss me off tonight, don’t you?”

“Definitely wanna do somethin’ to ya.” He shoots back quickly, the thumb at your hip rubbing slow circles into your skin, promising more. You narrowed your eyes. There was no way you could resist him, you needed to act quickly.

You turned around, looking up at him through your lashes. His hand was on your ass now, fingers squeezing and pulling you closer to him. You placed your hand flat on his stomach, trying to put some space between the two of you. You were flushed now, and he knew it. “C’mon,” his finger came up from under your chin, forcing you to look right at him as he smiled sweetly at you. “Don’t be a sore loser. Admit it. You’re turned on.”

You lean up onto your toes, pressing your lips against his, reaching down and untucking his shirt the best you could. He helped you, getting his belt undone and stepping backward out of his slacks as you pushed him back toward the bed.

He was pulling his shirt off as he sat on the edge of the bed, before pawing at your hips so you were sitting in his lap. The heat of him pressed right against you was delicious, and you rolled your hips against him. He swallowed your sighs as your tongues danced together, flushing with pride at the noises you pulled from him.

He was impatient, meeting the wave of your hips with thrusts of hie own. But this pesky fabric between the two of you. "Fuckin’ take these off already.” He grumbled, pulling at the fabric of your underwear where it covered your ass, and you wasted no time getting rid of your last layers of clothing.

He nearly cried out as you lowered yourself on top of him, leaning into you so that you could feel his heavy breath tickling your neck. You allowed yourself to enjoy it momentarily, before pushing his shoulder with a finger so he was laying back on the bed, his legs over the edge of the bed. You squeezed around the tip of his cock as you got used to the stretch. “Fuck, you’re so wet already.” You hid your satisfied smile by leaning down, sucking kisses from his chest up his neck. With each hitch of his breath, every moan, you rewarded him, clenching around him, or shifting the angle of your hips, lowering down until he was pressed flush against you.

You were used to the stretch, but with the way he filled you, and the lovely friction against your clit, you could already feel how the tension in your stomach was ready to snap. You needed to calm down before you came undone, biting into his shoulder as you found the rhythm that would make him crumble.

The drag of his cock along your walls had you clenching, and then you started to feel the telltale signs that he was close. His fingers tightened on your hips, almost painfully so, unable to control the way he thrusted up into you.

"You gonna come?" You cooed, sitting up a little, pulling out slowly and dropping down on his cock. He looked so close, his eyes fluttering each time he filled you. His resolve was crumbling, too lost in the feeling of you around him to remember that you were the one who was supposed to be one begging.

"Fuck," He whimpered when you clenched around him. You settled your hands on either side of his chest, leaning forward so you could keep bouncing on his cock. "You wanna come, my love?" You ask, crumbling at how Katsuki blushes under you. He nods, melting for you. You lean forward, pressing a messy kiss against him. You were close, too. If you looked at that expression one more second, you'd come undone.

You shift the angle of your hips, and he let out a clumsy grunt, fingers squeezing the fat of your hips for some stability. "Fuck, baby, just like that. I'm gonna—"

That's when you lift your hips, until only his tip is inside you, and still. You reach down, wrapping your fingers around the base of his cock. He cries out, a moan turned sour as deny him. You smile down at him, and he knew by that look in your eyes that he was in for it.

You leaned down, lips brushing over his slightly as you said, "I'd like to see you beg me to let you come." He couldn't even find it in himself to be mad, not with the way you looked above him, your hair messy from him running his fingers through it, the light sheen of sweat on your skin from riding him so well. He doesn't care who was supposed to punish who, not when he was so close to coming, not if all it would take was a little begging.

You continued edging him, bouncing up and down on him until he got close, then cockwarming him until he calmed down. His sweet pleas grew more desperate. You almost let him when you came yourself, squeezing around him uncontrollably as you stilled on top of him to ride out your orgasm, and he nearly lost it at the feel of you so tight around him.

But even though you came, you weren't done with him, continuing to roll your hips over him, looking right into his eyes as you fuck him.

He has tears pricking his eyes, and he's whimpering. “Baby, please. Please let me come. I’m fucking sorry for yelling at you today. I got lost in wanting things to be perfect, but I was an ass for getting mad.” Your expression softens for your boyfriend, and before you can even speak, he’s leaning in. His kiss is rough, hurried, and he’s thrusting up into you harder now than before, shifting so he hits that spot that has you moaning into his mouth. Unexpectedly, you fall into your next orgasm, and he feels you clenching. “Baby, please can I come?”

Words elude you, so you simply nod, leaning against his chest and resting your hands on his shoulders, bracing yourself as he uses you to finish. He’s twitching inside you, and after only a couple more thrusts, you feel his warmth flood your cunt, as he fucks you through both your orgasms.

You’re breathing heavily, body feeling heavy as you lay on top of him, hands still resting on your ass, holding you against him. You feel his cum, and yours, seep out of you onto him, but he makes no move to get up to clean.

“I’m sorry, too.” You say softly, tracing your finger over his chest. You look up at him, and his gaze is already on you. “I was being kind of a bitch. I just…felt guilty, for almost ruining tonight, but it was easier to be mad at you than admit I messed up.” You feel your cheeks heat, looking away from him and resting your ear against his chest. “So, I’m sorry for being so sour all night. And for getting the day wrong.”

He rolls you both over, easily moving you both so your head was back against the pillows, still snuggly pressed inside you. Still hard, you realize. “Cute apology, but I can’t let you off that easy. You were a bitch tonight.” His eyes shine wickedly, his smirk smug as he pulls slowly out of you. You whine at the lovely drag of his cock along your walls.

He leans down and, kissing you hard, knocks the breath out of you with the way he thrusts back into you. “I'm not done with you, yet." He thrusted into you again again, hitting that spot that had you already craving a third orgasm.

You’re gasping curses, then his name, as he fucks you, slowly but with strength and precision. You couldn't help digging your nails into his back as you feel the first wave of your orgasm. "Fuck, I'm gonna come again." You say breathlessly, and bite into his neck as you tug on the hair at the nape of his neck right as you come. You feel a rush of liquid, making a mess between your thighs and dripping down your ass, ruining the sheets beneath you.

The way you're clenching around him has him seeing stars, and feeling you squirt around him spurs him into his next orgasm, keeping himself buried in you as he cums. You pull him in for a kiss as he fills you, his lips grounding you as you come down, chests heaving against each other.

~~~

After showering and changing the sheets, you’re back in bed, curled up into his side and playing with his hair. You’re both smiling, fucked out and tired, though unwilling to end the night. “We should just sync our calendars.” You say finally. “That way we won’t get anything confused, and we can avoid pissing each other off.”

His hand, which had settled on your hip, landed a couple light smacks on your ass. “I don’t think I mind us pissing each other off. Not with the way you fight.”

You roll your eyes, grinning even as your face heats. “Please, you were the one who couldn’t stop pawing at me when we got home.”

He snorts. “You liked it,”

“Yeah,” you say absently, eyes growing heavy. “I guess if we settle our arguments like that, I don’t mind getting into a fight every now and then.”

---------------------------------------

a/n: thanks so much for reading! I hope you like this spicy little valentine's treat <3 if you did, pls lmk with rbs and comments! happy v-day <3

taglist: @asmaechan @animexholic @justanothernpcartist @inumakicanrailme

#bakugou katsuki #bakugo smut #mha bakugou #mha smut #katsuki bakugou #bakugou smut #katsuki bakugo x reader #bakugo x chubby reader #bakugo x y/n #bakugo x reader #katsuki bakugou x reader #bnha bakugou #bnha smut

2K notes · View notes

lord-squiggletits · 2 months

Text

Something else that makes me sympathetic to Pharma's situation is like. Idk if there's an actual term for this or if someone smarter and more academic wrote it about some real life context that actually matters.

But, so we've already established among Pharma stans that the circumstances at Delphi were blackmail/torture with no real way out that wouldn't involve Pharma being responsible for people getting killed (either killing patients for the deal or having everyone die bc he failed his end of the deal).

And I feel like while "he's still in the wrong because he killed people" is part of it, another sort of implicit part is the idea that Pharma should've been willing to take more personal risk, maybe even risk dying? I mean, Ratchet does ask "why didn't you just detonate it near the DJD" (to which Pharma responds that he did try to get Sonic and Boom to do it, but they refused) so like

Idk I feel like we do have this social notion of martyrs as a very romantic ideal, people you can praise for being so brave and strong and righteous that they ended their own lives for their cause, while you can also coo about how sad and tragic it is that dying is what it took for them to do the right thing. But at the same time I feel like in reality, having an expectation that people become martyrs is kind of a toxic social norm bc like. It's very easy to demand that others sacrifice their lives for some Ultimate Moral Good when you yourself aren't experiencing the same hardships as they are. And ultimately it is kind of fucked up to tell someone "the moral thing you should've done was risk your life/kill yourself" because asking someone to pay their life to do the right thing is no small request. And sure, the typical response would be to call them a "coward" for caring more about saving their own skin instead of doing the right thing... but again, death is a really scary thing and self-preservation is a really strong instinct, so it kind of feels like having this binary view of "you're either a Brave Hero who sacrifices your life for everyone else or a Dirty Coward who's too scared of dying to do what's right" is kind of fucked up?

I guess the best way to describe it is that if someone willingly gives up their life as a sacrifice to others, it can be a noble thing because it's a choice they made willingly, but if it becomes a Moral Standard that in order to be a Good Person you have to be unafraid of throwing your life away and if you aren't willing to die you're a Cowardly Bad Person, that's when it becomes toxic.

Idk, I guess how this ties back to Pharma is that he was never in a position where he expected to make these kinds of moral decisions/ultimatums. He's a doctor who doesn't even get into combat, his job is to heal and not to kill, he's behind the front lines in a hospital that's supposed to be a safe, neutral place for him to heal people. So in the face of suddenly having a "murder people on behalf of me, or I murder everyone you swore to protect" ultimatum thrust upon him, I understand why Pharma wasn't """"""""""brave enough"""""""""" to "do the right thing" (whatever that would've been in the case of Delphi). You could argue that maybe a frontliner soldier accepted the burden of possibly dying for their cause and they've become used to it as someone who lives that reality every single day, but I feel like for Pharma, who's a doctor and a protected non-combatant (from what we can tell), that sort of risking of his life/living with the fact his life could be snuffed out any day isn't something he would've been prepared for at all.

And for me personally, from an outsider's perspective, it strikes me as kind of unethical to go "oh well he should've just detonated the bomb himself even if it killed him" bc again, there's a difference between witnessing a moral conundrum as a bystander versus being the person living with it and being under time pressure where it's do-or-die. Just as part of my personal standards, I feel like death is such a huge consequence/burden of someone's actions (literally you are no longer alive, any potential you had left is cut short, you cease to exist on this plane) that it feels rather callous to go "Well you should've just been willing to die for your beliefs if you really cared that much!!!"

#squiggposting #pharma apologism #this is only like tangentially related to pharma honestly #not to compare blorbos to real life but like. it reminds me of this phenomenon where privileged ppl in privileged countries #will tell ppl living in zones of war and strife 'oh well if you don't like your gov so bad just revolt against them'#like oh yes tell me how easy it is to stand up against the threats of torture and death #surely the only reason people would want to avoid that is bc they're cowards or don't want to stand up for their beliefs #contrary to what nationalism would have ppl believe. 'wanting to not die' isn't a moral position #everyone wants to live. no one wants to die. it doesnt make you a bad person to be scared of dying #esp (going back to blorbo's) in a situation like pharma's where every option he had ended in death #the death of his patients or the death of everyone at delphi or his death personally #on top of the fact he's a noncombatant who hasn't been desensitized to violence/risking his own life #and is dealing with a trained group of killers that he can't possibly match on physical terms #so yeah actually i don't blame pharma for what he did #he made shitty decisions in a shitty situation but was ultimately a victim #also if you want to view the blackmail deal from a framework of abuse #it is also fucked up to basically tell someone they werent brave enough to just kill their accuser or ask for help #isnt the entire point of such situations that the victim is both powerless to stop the abuse #and too afraid of asking for help/thinks they cant ask for help. and thats why they dont just get out #idk sometimes the best moral judgement is to forgive someone or view it as 'complicated'#sometimes regardless of the good or evilness of their actions the best choice is to not make a judgement #or to err in favor of a forgiving/'i cant speak for your experience' judgement #anyways the fact is that the rosy fantasy of being a brave noble soldier who sacrifices for the cause #rarely stands up to reality where youre just terrified and powerless and dont know what to do #and suddenly the rosy glow of The Noble Cause isnt comforting in the prospect of horrible torturous death

10 notes · View notes

bengiyo · 2 years

Text

War of Y Ep 7 Stray Thoughts

Here we go with another show I have mixed feelings for. Consistently bothered by this show using established actor pairs to tell me that each pair is living through hell together and are potentially toxic.

Oh, and we're starting with car violence. My favorite.

Why is sound always terrible? Someday we'll enjoy the sound in a Thai BL, but today is not that day.

Toon's chain necklace is too much for me. It's been multiple episodes and I am not getting over it.

I don't like that Bew calls Toon "Mom" the time.

I appreciate the reminder that a lot of the talent is in college when they film these shows and work on all these advertisements. Bew is exhausted and needs to rest. It reminds me of Ohm Pawat being hospitalized from exhaustion last month.

Ah, Kitty looks familiar because Perth was in Love Mechanics and Why R U?

I don't like Pla intentionally wearing out Bew with his suggestions and demands. His collapse was inevitable.

Even though I don't particularly like all this manager squabbling, I am having fun seeing Dome really deliver in this role.

And now Gus is smoking.

I hadn't considered much how much resentment might exist from people competing for these acting roles. It's something you just know about from how many people audition all the time.

I hate seeing ankle injuries. It's part of why I don't watch sports as often anymore. Seeing the high motion capture slow mo is unsettling.

Gung and Korn are doing a great job with their faces as Gus and Bew respectively. I keep trying to read into their expressions.

Seeing Gus tensing up is making me think about Jake T. Austin before he left the Fosters. He was also clearly dealing with the fallout of a lot of not-great things happening to him in entertainment.

You know, at the point at which someone is carrying a flask, I feel like we've crossed quite a few lines on alcohol usage.

I also think changing the song on his own was super unprofessional of this producer.

It's kinda wild seeing people speculate about how Bew and Gus are over as they both read the tweets in a post-coital lounge.

Honestly, the flask is just so embarrassing for me.

I hate all this fighting. Does Cheewin want us to stop enjoying BL?

Why would Toon even pass along food from the fans to the talent? Food poisoning would be the most obvious concern.

Ah, of course. I'm disgusted on multiple levels that Toon would put shrimp in brownies. First, you hurt someone. Second, you ruined a brownie.

Man, this is fucked. Gus could have died. This breakup is totally appropriate, but also confirming that everyone was in on manipulating Bew's feelings is just so gross.

Still, I'm loving the performances. Everyone is really selling the drama.

Crumbs and carrots, this preview!! How the hell are we getting three more episodes out of this scenario???

#war of y #Thai bl #bl series #Ben watches

10 notes · View notes

thejosh1980 · 1 year

Text

2920 days and counting

It's been 8 years since I became free.

I can still remember parts of that last night drinking that ended up with me, as the sun came up, in an ambulance heading to a psychiatric hospital, it was a suicide watch kind of situation.

I was in a bad way, and in very bad relationship, a very toxic one, with alcohol. I was too close to the relationship and couldn't see the damage until I was in hospital.

I have documented a lot of my journey in past blogs, particularly a year ago when I wrote The 7 year itch.

Recently I was chatting with a Dresden local, a musician who I have known since 2006. We had a couple of bands together, also played in each other’s other bands and drank and partied many times over the years.

In mid-2009 we had a big falling out, I can't remember all the details (a lot alcohol was involved) but we ended up coming to fisticuffs and I came out worse for wear. The bands and friendship we had ended pretty quickly after that.

I know at the time we both pushed each other, egged each other on, and made fun of each other. Looking back there was little respect and big egos at play. Both too tough to show vulnerability or real care for each other. I know for my part, at the time I was not fully aware, nor willing to be accountable for my behaviour.

All the problems were someone else's fault.

So then came several years of me being a fool, I wouldn't even visit places I knew he'd be at. Why should I? Why should I even bother to spend money in his establishments either, I was angry, he hurt my feelings. Mind you, I know now, I was just projecting my insecurities onto him, even if we weren't talking.

Fast forward a few years, and I got sober and I started to open up to new ways of being. Being vulnerable, being responsible, being accountable, and being open to building bridges. It was a long process, and it wasn't like we suddenly became mates again, but we did cross paths more and more often as time moved on.

I can't remember the exact year, but I'd say it was in 2018 or 2019, he asked if we could meet and have a chat about my drinking (or lack thereof). I remember he wanted to talk about my experiences and maybe get some advice. He explained to me he had come to realise that getting drunk was his way of creating an excuse to treat others badly. Well I sure as hell had been there before, we both had together, some 10 years prior.

It was almost like we were ex-lovers, meeting years after “moving on” and opening up about our past mistakes. We realised we both had messed up, we'd both been mean and spiteful and difficult and challenging, and we were now open to clearing the air and rebuilding on our reconnection.

I can say that now, after that conversation we have grown to care for each other deeply. We're good mates, and even though I am now half a world away, we continue checking in on each other from time to time. We see each other’s posts on social media, and often that sparks a conversation.

Those conversations have become deep, meaningful, trusting, and caring.

We didn't bury the past either. We opened it up, talked about it, and apologised. It wasn't easy for both of us, but it brought us back together.

We no longer take the piss out of each other, we care for each other. We no longer have egos raising the toxicity level between us, we've both shared some deep feelings that have created the space to trust ourselves, being imperfect humans. Having that hard conversation, about our behaviour, thoughts, and feelings, and expressing our insecurities and worries, opened our friendship up to a deeper level, and man, it is awesome.

Bromance, love, care, trust, and friendship.

Recently we were chatting and the subject of our reconnection came up. We both said we missed each other, and we are so glad that we reconnected. He said I wish I had done it sooner, and I responded that it happened at the right time, when both of us were open to the idea of reconnecting.

We are both musicians, and timing is everything.

He isn't the first (or the last) person I have found a deeper connection with since I sobered up. I no longer partied for the hell of it, having superficial moments with people, and started enjoying coffee dates with deep and meaningful connections. It's been a journey and a real blessing. The more I open up, and share my vulnerabilities and insecurities, the more others do too, and that just gets us deeper and deeper, feeling connection and love.

I am not 100% happy, I haven't been for most of my life, but when I think back to the dickhead I often was on the booze, these days I can find gratitude and love for myself as a sober guy who shares, and connects, with people.

I am very blessed to have been on this journey since 6th February 2015. Often folks talk about “giving up” something as a bad thing, but what I have found is new ways to connect, experience and enjoy life.

Thanks for reading,

Josh

#alcohol #drinking #personal growth #relationships #connection #mental health

1 note · View note

800-dick-pics · 3 years

Text

🛑HELP TWO BLACK AND LATINE DISABLED UNEMPLOYED LESBIANS AVOID HOMELESSNESS!🛑

THIS IS INCREDIBLY URGENT!

Some of you know, my partner and I have been trying to raise funds to move from a toxic unstable and unsafe environment for the past year+ and we've made a post before but unfortunately we had to postpone it due to needing to put our immediate survival first. Weve attempted to move once before, In December of 2020 my partner and I were stranded in my home state of California by someone who we thought was our friend, we were depending on them to help us move to safer housing but after we were too poor to afford the things we needed, they immediately accused us of lying and trying to harm them. They were violently anti black and ableist to me durring this whole time, they drove off with our belongings and only agreed to give them back if law enforcement were present, proceeded to lie and tell the police that I was armed (I CANT even legally own firearms) and they feared for their life. They were trying to get my black disabled neurodiverse self k!lled by the anti black ass state.

We've had a whole year of struggling to survive, we barely keep ourselves fed, we're unable to properly tend to our healths and Im constantly battling with recurring trauma due to being trapped here with my long time abuser. The time has come for us to leave from this truly unrelenting, unstable, unsafe and toxic ass environment because we are being forced to do so and have no other choice. I just want to leave so I can finally heal and properly tend to various needs instead of just barely scraping by and ignoring other needs which are often urgent.

Most of my urgent needs have to do with my health because for the past 2 years since the beginning of the pandemic I've had to quit my job due to being immunocompromised and at risk of death from Covid. I've had to Essentially abandon any healthcare i was receiving because of lack of funds and stability, Which has severely prevented me from caring for myself. Many times when I was by myself and throughout this time with my partner, I've had to prioritize other aspects of my survival while my health took a back seat. With regards to my chronic illness and disabilities, My Ehlers Danlos Syndrome (EDS) and postural orthostatic tachycardia (POTS) have worsened; chronic pain, fatigue, shakes and seizures along with being prone to fainting and sudden weakness have left me practically bed and house bound due to the inability to get proper medical care due to lack of funds, medical racism and inaccessibility of transportation.

As such, i cannot keep putting this off and continue suffering with things as they are, this past October my symptoms and pain have gotten even worse, its gotten harder to complete daily tasks without requiring assistance from my partner all while going through my medicine much quicker than I used to just to be able to manage with my symptoms. I fear that if this continues I will end up hospitalized and it will be too late to properly treat my new neurological conditions. This why we need to move from here, holding off on this is not an option we need to act now while we still have a chance. Life here is not a life I can live with anymore. We both require safe and secure housing with room to live and thrive where our needs are being more than just met. We have an opportunity for better but we have to act quickly!

After months of searching, negotiating and battling with questions from an abuser who wants me gone, my partner and I have established an opportunity for housing in early February of 2022. While we are beyond excited and hopeful for the future, the fact that it took so long in the year for us to find housing has left us with a very short window to raise funds. After running calculations of moving and travel costs, we estimate that a target goal of $6500 is required in order to cover everything we need to move. Which is going to include a lot of shipping things.

My Partner and I understand that is a lot to ask for but we are unable to raise all the funds by ourselves due to being disabled and unable to work. Much of my partners new focus has been on caring for me through this time bc of my declining health. If you would like to help we need to reach this goal by the end of January. We WILL be forced to leave underfunded and under prepared which will result in us losing most of our posessions. We're going to have to leave so much behind if we do not meet this goal. My abuser has made it clear we are NOT welcome here past January. They are forcing us out and we have no other option. However, we have faith that our community will want to help us and see us thrive!

We have other posts circulating around Tumblr with regards to our immediate day 2 day needs, but we need this post to be widely circulated. If you've read through all of this (thank you!) And would like to help us boost and/or donate to our goal please leave the word "Osa" in the note when paying either of us via our cashapps and venmos so we know to put it in our savings for the move!

PLEASE HELP IN GETTING DISABLED AND CHRONICALLY ILL QTPOC TO SAFETY!!! YOU WILL BE SAVING OUR LIVES!!!!!

OUR PAY LINKS :

Cashapp: $sleepyhen OR $grumblybear

Venmo: @/wildwotko OR @/XochiRose

#mutual aid #emergency donations #crowdfunding #signal boost #donation post #qtpoc #please spread this #its dire here #pls help!

1K notes · View notes