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#maybe I get to do this study; maybe I get to HAVE A JOB
heaven444child · 18 hours
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Pick a card
How and in which situation you will meet your future spouse ✨🍀
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Pile 1🌸
pile1 You can meet Your future spouse in the 🌼 spring season. And your situation may be such that one of you will be at a place which even you don't know, then you ask someone for help to ask the address of a place. and the person from whom you ask for help will be your future spouse.but then he will not pay attention to you because he will be in 🫨 shock 😲, when you called him by placing your hand on his shoulder.it is possible that he got shocked to see you suddenly but you thought that he also doesn't know the address. maybe that is why he is not saying anything to me. then you go ahead and your future spouse gets confused as to why he couldn't say anything in front of you. It is possible that you will that meet Your future spouse when you travel somewhere related to your career or job. it is possible that at that time you are focusing on your career only and you don't trust people easily at that time. maybe 🤔 at that time you consider yourself less beautiful, but if I tell the truth then you are a very beautiful girl/ handsome boy, so please 🥺 Stop underestimate yourself and keep yourself ready for receive love. because soon you will have a partner in your life who will understand both your mind or ❤️ heart.
Pile 2 🌧️
pile 2 When you meet Your future spouse, it maybe 🌧️ rainy day. both of you will help each other that day. your situation maybe such that one of you doesn't have an umbrella ☔ and you must be standing somewhere to avoid the rain. there you meet Your future spouse and he looks at you and says that I can share my umbrella with you .he may also ask you where are you going,then he tells you that I am also going there .then you can sit on my bike 🏍️ and hold this umbrella ☔, look, don't misunderstand me🫣, I just want both of us to be saved from the 🌧️ rain. when both of you reach your destination, you say thanku to him and then you say that oh.....I didn't even ask you Your name 🫢😱then your spouse tells his name to you and you tell him that nice meeting 🤝❤️ you and then he also says the same......and when you leave, Your future spouse is smiling ☺️☺️ at you and it maybe that you or your future spouse are a little flirtatious. and both of you felt like this after meeting each other maybe this is the person who is made for me and this person or you talk straight forward if he ever flirts with you then he will be flirt openly. he will not feel shy at all🫡😳🤫, rather you will feel shy🫠🫣
Pile 3🏫🫶
pile 3 You can meet Your future spouse at school 🏫 or college or any institute where you go to study. it is also a possibility that you can meet your future spouse just as you have thought. the situation of both of you will be such that you both will bump into each other and it is also a possibility that your future spouse may get a ball shape Mark on his forehead. and you may touch that mark but then he angrily ask you what are you doing🤨then you leave from there. it is possible that you or your future spouse likes to play sports and while playing games, he/she might be about to get hurt but you don't let him/her get hurt.❤️then you leave form there without saying anything and he tries to stop you. says why aren't you listening to me,🤔 I was just thanking you💮because you saved me from getting hurt🤕but you ignoring/avoiding me why..... why😔why are you doing this to me.then you said I also didn't do anything at that time but you were getting angry😡on me. this situation shows that when you meet Your future spouse, there can be a fight or misunderstanding between you two and when both of you solve your misunderstanding, then both of you will be happy 🌸.you make the journey from enemy to friends, friends to lover, lover to partner. ❤️❤and it is also possible that you or your future spouse always stalk or notice each other🫣and your future spouse has a lot of influence on everyone. and everyone believes in him.
Stay blessed ✨🍀
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pinazee · 1 day
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Psy vs. Psy
I genuinely think that if they were going to bring back any psych villian, Lindsay Leikin would pose the biggest threat. She knows Shawn isn’t psychic, she has adequate motivation to target him personally, and has the skills to prove he’s a fraud and do it slyly as she is also highly skilled in deductive reasoning (she did manage to get them to the counterfeiter to begin with so she has legitimate talent). She could even orchestrate it from prison. Maybe her parole was denied again so, like, what else is she going to do? Plus, she’s kind of nuts. Faking being a psychic with the FBI is a whole other level of bold compared to a local precinct, then she met a counterfeiter and was like yes please, more crime, then killed him when he tried to run, slept with Shawn that same night, then tried to take him hostage when she got caught. Its just a shame she wasn’t a bit more charismatic or eccentric. They had her play it as a very normal girl swept into a life of crime because of a guy (probably because she was a “love interest” for Shawn) when the receipts show she was an absolute lunatic (look at her face after they found the guy she killed. This bitch is smiling).
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Also, she just kinda gave up when she was caught. I wish she’d have been screaming “he’s a fraud!” as she was taken to the car or even had a heart to heart moment with Lou Diamond Phillips because she did betray him after all. Idk, i just wanted more. (But i think maybe the writers recognized this and thats how we get Declan later??)
Gus is basically siri at this point. Between the archeology, safes, online poker, the law, tennis players, space, comic books, of course pharmaceuticals, and now studies tender from all over the world- its a smaller list of what Gus doesn’t know. Gus clearly likes learning. I’m surprised he never thought of becoming a teacher or college professor, to try to pass that love of learning to the next generation. Though i guess we see he’s not that great with people surprisingly, considering he’s a successful salesman. (OH MY GOD WHAT IF THIS WHOLE TIME GUS ACTUALLY HAD LIVED UP TO HIS POTENTIAL AND BECAME AN INTERNATIONAL SPY. He knows all these things because of his job, psychs only been able to stay open because Gus can fund it from his spy job, joining psych was a good front but he was also lonely from never getting to be himself. I kid, i kid, but its a fun idea for me haha)
No fucking way shawn doesn’t know what a drill is. Henry definitely would have beat that kind of man stuff into him. The military time too. I just felt the need to point this out. its like the show itself is dissing my boy and i have to defend him lol
I love when Gus is proud and smarmy over shawns talent. Look at his face here. My boy about to prove you wrong.
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And do you think Shawn is actually afraid of competition or do you think he learned at an early age from his father that he didn’t have value unless he was the best? Huh Henry, huh???(Weekend warriors “you don’t want to be a loser” comes to mind)
Henry trying some reverse psychology here. I can’t tell if its because Henry is actually concerned for Shawns safety like he said he wasn’t in the previous episode, or if he’s still taking it personally that Shawns using the gifts he “gave” him to be psychic. Probably both. We know he was really bothered by his motorcycle accident, so i wonder if he’s been kind of spiraling, and adding up all the crazy situations he’s been in. (Which, i don’t think Shawn tells him about. i think Gus calls him like a weekly report haha) I think the fact that shawns cases are becoming more dangerous he suddenly doesn’t like the idea of him being a detective, well a detective this way at least, because i think in his mind he’d be safer if he was an actual cop where he had a partner with a gun, and back up, and rules, and training. I mean we know he wouldn’t be, (look at what happens to Lassie and Juliet)
I just wanted to gif this because it’s one of my fave jokes in the episode!
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Mildred to the rescue! Im not entirely sure how this worked but it did and thats what matters haha
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*Appropriate reaction is appropriate*
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panlight · 2 days
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What do you think the Denali Coven were like as humans, their interests or hobbies, or maybe do as a career? (Kate probably does martial arts or self-defense, Tanya could work in art, Eleazar in business, etc etc. They got that big mountain home somehow)
I'm skeptical of them having careers in the present day, given that they seem to have been staying in the same place since at least the 1930s. I guess now they could be doing some sort of remote work? Maybe in the past they wrote books or articles under pseudonyms, or just picked up odd jobs here and there. Or the sisters just had their boyfriends buy them things and pay for stuff?
(And I DO wonder about their house because Denali is a national park. Are they paying the government off to let them keep staying there? Is it so remote the government doesn't know about it? SM seems to suggest they live literally ON the mountain.)
As a human Kate seemed to be into martial arts and physical fitness, having served as a bodyguard of sorts to what amounted to a princess. I think she and Emmett would have had fun over the years testing the limits of vampire abilities. Maybe she does workout videos online.
Irina was from a small farming community, I imagine she had a quieter, more peaceful human life than Kate. Maybe she still likes to grow things? An Alaskan mountain cabin is not like, the most ideal place for a garden. Maybe she keeps an indoor herb garden? Or they are hiding a big greenhouse on the mountain too, lol.
I've imagined that Tanya was possibly from a more well-to-do background; Sasha was her great-aunt and had been watching over the family which makes me think the family was prosperous in some way. Maybe they were skilled craftspeople or involved in local government. We don't really get a sense of what Tanya's hobbies are (other than romantic pursuits), but she seems cultured and sophisticated, while still also fun. Keep thinking of her cannonball into the snow. Maybe becoming a vampire gave her freedom from the expectations of her family/society and that's part of the reason she so was so devoted to Sasha. She didn't feel like she robbed her of her human life, but that she gave her freedom from it. But I do like to think she is maybe into some sort of craft; maybe she remembers ancient weaving or ceramic techniques and sells them at craft fairs and on Etsy.
Eleazar seems like a scholarly sort, and Carmen gives musical vibes, although that might be because of the actress who played her in the movies. In my mind she sings, plays several instruments, dances. Eleazar enjoys these things too, but he is the harmony to her melody; he supports her, but it's her passion. Maybe she was a street musician when they met. Her siren song lured him away from the Volturi. I think Eleazar is like Aro and Carlisle, very curious, wants to learn and study, but perhaps more about history and culture than Carlisle's science/medicine angle.
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fractallogic · 1 year
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You know, I haven’t fully wrapped my head around how I’m going to incorporate it, but I had a great idea for this grant proposal that’s making me very excited
Because I think. finally. I will be able to justify testing arabic-speaking children. I will get to find out what kinds of errors THEY make learning my arabiclike made-up language.
And plus I’m realizing that I like portland more than eugene, and oops, the two Islamic schools and the one Arabic-medium school are all in the portland area oh no I will have to spend so much time in portland if I get this grant oh well
…plus I just really want to be able to stay in one place for three more years, and let scone live in Oregon like he’s really wanted to for YEARS.
I love arabic and I love my pastry and I love how kids do language. I am very excited about this part of the project and I just. The likelihood of it happening is vanishingly low. But it’s more likely to get this grant than getting a TT job. So.
#a ~10% hit rate for grants sucks yes; but compared to the ~0.5% hit rate I’ve had for prof jobs…#also new PI maybe you can support me for a year like you suggested you might be able to in a lab manager-cum-postdoc kind of role#that would be great. I would do that too.#I will happily continue leaning on my network to keep me in academia#as full of toxic bullshit as it is. sigh.#it hurts to feel like I’m so full of promise and so good at what I do and for some reason everything is just arbitrary#maybe I get to do this study; maybe I get to HAVE A JOB#like even working with this PI; everyone before has been all ‘mmm idk that doesn’t sound like a good use of resources’#and so I was like oh okay this is never gonna happen that’s fine#but I’m talking to her one day (because when you get the chance to chat with the dept head you should!)#and she’s like ‘but wait why would it be not a good use of resources? I think this is potentially an interesting idea#so write me up a proposal and we’ll see if we can flesh it out some more!’#so even the answer of ‘sure!’ to ‘maybe I can do this study… maybe’ I’d foreign and strange#same thing for this hockey concussion etc stuff#like I say ‘this is my INCREDIBLE pie in the sky idea; maybe someday#…but seems unlikely’#and my current PI goes no yeah wait here are some things I’ve thought about in that direction#…and I happen to live next to retired NHL players… but it would be very weird of me to ask them so can’t do that right now; but future!!#and so I’m just walking around UO going ‘wait I really can just. do things? people are interested in my ideas?’#(please remember that at a formative time in my research upbringing my advisor called me boring and also that he might not pass me#and like. you get rejected from research jobs and TT jobs and grants and everything#so it’s no WONDER I’m like ‘ah yes my ideas are stupid and boring and why would anyone else be interested in them!’ like any academic is)#anyway it’s amazing how little we as academics ask for#and still get told lol no that’s very extravagant of you#because it’s supposed to be a ~vocation~ and a ~calling~ so we should live like monks#but you know what monks are actually respected members of society and have food and shelter and care provided to them#so yeah if you want me to be a monk of linguistics then you need to fucking treat me like one
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spielzeugkaiser · 1 year
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hi, first off i really love your art. the h/c and warmth really hit me where i live and your illustration style is fantastic. lately i've been obsessed with the post where an unwell milek thinks geralt will leave him behind. was that an ingrained insecurity, assuming his super-witcher dad wouldn't have time for a sickly human kid?
[MASTERPOST] - Ahh, thank you for the ask! Yes, this scene.. I actually saw this a bit differently! It's not about Milek fearing Geralt will leave him behind, he actually wants him to. They need to find his Pa!! I think he often feels like a burden; Jaskier knows this, but Geralt isn't aware of this yet. Milek just wants to pull his weight, especially with Jaskier. A little sneak peak to their struggles regarding this:
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Meanwhile Jaskier continues to struggle with his omega status.
#jaskier#the witcher#geraskier lovechild#julian alfred pankratz#omegaverse#there are various things happening here! a. Milek never really had to fear that Jaskier would leave him he knows he never ever would#b. Jaskier said again and again that he'll always care for him and loves him and that he doesn't have to pull any weight at all#c. Jaskier actually became the parent that just wants his kid to be educated and study and learn#(maybe because he knows Milek won't be able to do hard labour but also because he knows what Milek really wants to do)#(filed under: things I haven't drawn yet but they had their big fallout because of oxenfurt and university - things to come in the future)#d. Milek has watched Jaskier working his ass off in various jobs that he didn't like#(and he thinks that prostitution is the worst but only because they didn't properly talk about it before)#e. Jaskier is struggling with how he is percieved - which I think was never that much on his mind when he was travelling with Geralt#being a carefree bard and giving everyone the middlefinger who had some wrong ideas about what he could do and what not#but this is definitely an AU in which he doesn't have a good relationship with his father and he can still hear him say he'll become#'an unbonded omega with a bastard child working on the streets' and I think sometimes it gets to him#(because Jaskier is king of hating his parents ever being right about him)#that Jaskier kind of wants to spare Milek and quietly hopes we won't become an omega - even if he feels bad about it - shall become plot#(one dayyyy)#anyway that was a very long rant about Mileks complex relationship with him feeling like a burden
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samarecharm · 6 days
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Love being able to write. I can do whatever i want. I can make Ryuji interact w Lala-chan and u literally cant stop me.
#chattin#i feel like shinjuku and crossroads doesnt get enough love#ohya and lala dont get enough love 😭#if they had an option to work there as a parttimer some how my akira wouldve absolutely taken it#u never see the place packed or w customers at all; it just feels cozy every time u go there#akira doesnt have a lot of places free from prying eyes; so id imagine he goes there often to just hang and study#catch up w ohya and get a bit of knowledge and validation from lala#like shes so sweet. i love her. she comes across as wise without being unapproachable#she makes comments she shouldnt (talking about ohyas job and history) bc she just forgot that she shouldnt lol#adamant about not letting him drink while hes there. its like. a safe space for him.#and i think hed like to invite his friends into his safe space; esp ryuji#gets to a point where even ryuji stops by on his own sometimes.#hes got questions but hes always in his head; never says it out loud#but it leads him in the right direction almost all the time#im thinkin of him having like. the most base level internalized homophobia and transphobia#like the kind of shit you just pick up as a child and teen and never question#and u kinda make fun of it bc everyone else is. but akira stumbles into his life and makes it so confusing#like. i dont think hed be trans. but akira would make him second guess alot about himself#about what he likes. what hes into. what hes okay w doing w someone like akira#and lala is like. u got that look in ur eyes kid. come sit.#doesnt entirely get it. but he feels a little lighter. not on labels but on his feelings#‘kid. u think of the ideal person and u think of him. at that point; it dont matter what bits he got.’#and its blunt and MAYBE it gets him a little flustered. but hes always responded well to blunt words. no beating around the bush#makes his brain confront shit head on without the second guessing hed suffer through when left on his own#WAA. rambling.#gonna see if i can draft this up at some point
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opens-up-4-nobody · 14 days
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#my dads back in ohio again so im back on my own. i still feel terrible but at least i have a plan#i have 2 weeks of this semester left. so i have to not fail my genomics exam and work on a group project plus grade a bunch#shouldnt be too hard but everything makes me so tired rn and i just feel this barrier between myself and everything else#even when my dad was here. i just dont kno how to feel happy. just varied levels of stress#but after the semester is over ill have to find a job for the summer. which super stresses me out bc i havent really had a real job outside#academia and im worried about how stressful ill find it bc im sure its gonna suck but at least i wont have to work on my project#i just think if i had a normal job that doesnt dominate every aspect of my life id feel a little less terrible. or at least i wouldnt send#myself spiralling so much. if i stay here i might not survive it#but what if ill just make myself miserable wherever i am? i dunno. but im gonna try to find a non academic job this summer with the epa or#maybe the usgs. i mean ive gota a bachelor's and a masters in environmental topics. that's gotta count for something#just get a government job. pray for a not terrible set of coworkers. and build something from there#it just sucks bc i feel like everythings falling apart and like i kno if i gave it my all i could pull thru and get my phd but im just so#tired of struggling against something everyone else can do. i just cant read at a level appropriate for what im doing#ugh. i dont wanna study for genomics. i just wanna sleep. i just wish i wasn't in this position#and now i a baby about it. i mean my sisters r in similar positions bc the youngest is currently looking for a teaching job. and my middle#sister is looking to move to new york city in the next 6 months and she'd be quitting her job for that. so we're all sorta in flux#i just wanna not be flailing. not watch my hopes and dreams collapse. be excited about anything. im just sad bc i have to make hard choices#even if i know theyre the right ones to make if i want to continue to exist. sometimes u cant have the things u wany.#and that sucks and i hate it. theme of the year: sometimes life sucks and theres nothing u can do abt it#unrelated
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vox-fantasma · 11 months
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i think i was born for a blue-collar job actually. office jobs make me want to die but manual labour is so life-affirming
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killmymind · 1 month
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i don’t think i’ve ever felt this lost in my life. tbh
#feeling sad? sure. hopeless? been there done that. anxious as hell? at least once a week. but lost? no. not really#and that’s really fucking scary because i’m not familiar with it and i just don’t know how to deal with it#i can’t stop thinking that i’m running out of time because i’m 25 and i don’t think i can afford feeling this way#taking a break from uni sounds good in theory but in reality? again. i’m 25. i need to at least achieve one thing in my life holy shit#it’s SO hard to see the good even when it’s right in front of me or someone points it out. like having a job or studying or getting to#travel or even just having friends ARE achievements but i always want More More and More i am addicted to wanting more cause it feels like#nothing i do is ever enough. and now i’m adding feeling lost because i’m finally acknowledging the fact that i don’t know what i want to do#with what i’m studying or how to get a different job in the future when i almost have no experience and everything is just so frustrating#because i simply don’t fucking know. i just don’t. i can’t afford not knowing!! everything is so messy rn you would think i’d be thriving#after seeing louis and meeting aria and traveling to germany and i am genuinely so happy those things happened but fuck man there is always#the Bigger Thing taking over and it makes me feel like an ungrateful brat i just don’t fucking know man. maybe i am an ungrateful brat#but it’s just so hard to be happy when you’re feeling so lost with everything in your life and yourself#anyway i just. needed to let that out#negative#effie talks to the moon
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raksh-writes · 6 months
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Maybe this doesn’t need to be said, but Im feeling awful about it, so -- to any mutuals that might notice Im not following them anymore, I'm sorry about that. I've just seen too many posts on my dash that I have no way of blocking because they're not tagged in any way and they're distressing enough it's turning one of the only places I considered a safe space not safe for me anymore. So for my own mental health, I had to unfollow. I Will refollow in the future and I still love y'all, but I just-- I can’t. Ive been noticing some very worrying stuff about my mental and emotional state and it's just too much currently. I hope it's at least an understandable decision, and I wish y'all are having a good day out there 💗
#personal#I know its important to keep up with current events#but life overall's been a bit too much for me lately#I should prob go back to my therapist#I haven’t seen her since I went back to uni#for one because I didn’t know my schedule when we last meet and we both thought this should balance me#finally having purpose again and doing what I actually enjoy#but I also don’t have a job now so its costs and... I don’t know#but I probably should now that Im thinking maybe its time to actually get medicated for real#tho first maybe I should just visit my family doc and ask for those vit d supplements my therapists talked about#see if thats gonna be enough#autumn (and winter) has always been an awful time for me in terms of mental and emotional health#but it feels even worse these days#like Im battling against depression every day recently and rarely anything works to distract me#which is why its been hard to get back to peels in dms and such too#I was meant to meet with a friend now that Im studying in a city she lives in but I have yet to get back to her#and it feels like I have not only Zero but like Negative energy and motivation#+ Ive been dealing with an upset stomach for Weeks now#no matter what I eat it feels weird and achy and barely anything tastes good for me already so now its even worse#anyway this turned into such a rant Im sorry#I just didn’t want the lovely peeps Ive been mutuals with for a long time to think I stopped liking them or smth#its just certain untagged posts that I would otherwise block if I could#and I dont wanna impose onto anyone like a 'rule' to tag them or whatever#so yeah this is just temporary#hopefully at some point I get better enough to survive the couple distressing posts heh...
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linguenuvolose · 6 months
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I applied for a new job today 😩
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whatudottu · 1 year
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Look, I'm not saying that the entirety of the Galvan race would be gamers. That would be ludicrous. I'm simply saying that if they found out about the existence of video games as well as how to program them,
Damn if only they didn't have tadpole children otherwise they'd totally have iPad toddlers smh smh- no doubt on Galvan Prime (or whatever edition of planet they're on if you don't retcon it's destruction in the Highbreed arc) they'd already found an interest in many variations of video games, even if predominantly it's not socially acceptable in most galvan cultures to be an adult in full pursuit of a gamer, not that there isn't a market for it because expectations breeds exceptions.
Because of the majority of galvan intellects steer towards the sciences, galvan video game developers probably tend to target younger fresh-out-of-the-pond adolescents with educational games, a combination of fun and learning. But these are galvans we're talking about, so no Mario Teaches Typing or Leap Frog levels of baby smarts games, more like Brain Training and significantly more difficult than what you get here. It's not to say 'fun for fun's sake' games don't exist, just that these are really the only games that early learning galvan really get until they have control over their own financial responsibilities.
I'm not saying that galvan who prefer more entertaining games later in life are unintelligent, but I am saying that Blukic and Driba seem the type to game for fun-
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born-to-lose · 1 month
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God I miss this bar, I wanna go back so bad
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iftitah · 1 month
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🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯🕯
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minglana · 4 months
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agh fuck i need to apply to an internship😭
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opens-up-4-nobody · 9 months
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#theres this feeling i get sometimes. i find it very hard to articulate. its part despair and part awe. dispair at how beautiful the world is#all those intricate little process coming together to organize the chaos. i dont kno y i feel it so deeply or y it hurts so much#because its just. no matters what horrible things r going on in the world. ur body is this miraculous collection of chemicals and reactions#mobile containers of water with a history that spirals back billions of years. and you can hear and see and experience and reflect#and when you die the world goes on spinning without you. if we as humans destroyed this planet past the part of our ability to inhabit it#it wouldnt even matter. there would be continued life past humanity. cosmically we r tiny and insignificant and we dont matter#but were beautiful and wonderful and infinity complex and knowing that leaves me in agony. because i want to kno everything right now but#mind is too small and i walk around with the disorientation of someone whos just been hit in thr face ans i cant focus enough to read#cant make the words make sense and i cant justify the time it would take to try. so i sit on my deck. in the sun. crying as i think about#how the light hit the grass in my front yard the last time i was home. how the cliffs in the backyard are ringed with red lines of iron#separated out as the water leached through the sandstone. how every avaliable surface is stained green as organisms reach upward toward#the sun. and its beautiful and i dont kno y im crying. maybe its bc i cant just throw everything aside and chase that feeling. im not#allowed to feel it. im not allowed to talk abt it in the way i want. bc im afraid no one cares as much as me in the same way. bc when i#talk abt what i study its obscure and academic and so far from what most ppl think abt that they get intimidated and dont try to understand#so i just try not to talk abt it. or maybe im just afraid. bc i have my 1st TA meeting tomorrow and i meet with my new advisor friday#and im worried and im afraid i wont b able to do this in a way that doesnt make me feel like im dying. bc i like to b busy and i like having#a strict schedule but if u throw me that knife im going to stab myself with it bc i dont kno how wield it as a tool without hurting myself#sure ill get the job done. but at what cost? whatever. ill try to b better this time. try to hold tight to the wonder. but that feels like#reaching out into forever. knowing ill never make contact. not knowing what im reaching for.#the closest approximation to the feeling i can find is that scene in the terror. where go0dsir is asking if god is there. any god. and it#doesnt matter bc he can see god in the landscape. in an environment that's so harsh and barren that its killing him slowly in the worst of#ways and its beautiful. its still beautiful to him. there is wonder here. and im wasting my time laying in a dark room crying bc i put#myself into a container so constrictive that the surface snaps and i come spilling out as an angry liquid. smearing away into nothing#unrelated
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