Sorry I'm not even sure why I am posting it on this blog but did anybody ever have a boyband they loved back in the day as a teen / pre-teen / whatever and you would they were SO fit, but actually you look back at them now you're older and realise fuck they were actually quite skinny (even if toned) and actually it probably wasn't that healthy and now I'm worried about them even though they are inside that early 90s video and I'm here only just realising in 2024

Okay it's Take That and the Pray music video and I'm now also sad because that was their first number one and is that what it took for them to get noticed? 🥺

Like they were posing in different ways and there's mostly just rib cages? And to think Gary was deemed the 'fat' one when actually he looked the healthiest?

Yor doesn’t deserve this.

Ridiculously this is hegemonic masculinity at its finest - there is this superior masculinity that rejects all feminine qualities, and anyone who’s not strong, independent, smart, tough, etc. enough would be rejected. Note that being masculine is not being biologically male. This is toxic, because no one is allowed to express vulnerability when the notion of femininity is being marginalised. Thus Yor is reduced to be this character that “lacks personality”.

Endo doesn’t want her to be just soft and sweet and sexy and strong. Like any other human, she is very self-conscious when she doesn’t fit in, and all of these discussions really show how realistic it is for Yor to feel insecure - she is too muscle-head and strong to be feminine in the eyes of the Asian readers, but too sensitive, gentle and ditzy to be masculine. She is not created to fit any standards, and therefore deemed a failure in every reader who sought to make another exemplary woman of this modern age. She has to be perfect, but she will never be.

And somehow they have to come up with this very original attack and throw it at Yor - by calling her “a ditzy schoolgirl”. You’ve got to know you are in the wrong if you sound like an old straight white male. (I mean wtf why a ditzy schoolgirl?) Again, by making her inferior - calling her young, stupid and feminine like “a ditzy schoolgirl”, they get to prove two male characters from another anime superior. It’s not that serious when men can’t keep their house clean (which I agree, I’m not much better), but it’s very serious when a woman, who cleans, has been the breadwinner since a very young age, basically perfectly balances two jobs, and takes good care of her loved ones, couldn’t “act her age”.

Coincidentally, they also try to make Loid a lesser man by having another male character baring his upper body and showing his muscles. Loid is said to be inferior because he only gets “dust bunnies” in his head. Even if it’s real, which it is definitely not, isn’t it still the same thing? Why is a man inferior if he’s more feminine? I thought we’re way past this, but I guess this really needs to be discussed over and over and over again.

Again, if you prefer other animes, it’s fine. It’s not fine when you do this. No hate on the anime and the characters. But this kind of bullshit deserves every single drop of hate.

Hello you! I’m new to your ~lore~ and I noticed you like talking about your characters (which is vvv cute btw!) so I was wondering what are some complications that pretty and Chris face within the relation?? Since she’s human? This is my first werewolf au so bare with me but when I started it I thought “they’re never gonna have sex” bc I thought it’d be too… difficult for the human.. but yeah that’s just a example I also mean non sexual stuff if there is any!! Mwah

warms my heart that you think it's cute and not annoying as hell sidfnsikjdfn i can imagine it might be for some people.

i really do love talking about these things! so much so, i'm gonna have to put a cut here because damn, this got a bit long.

so, here's what i think:

when it comes to complications in a werewolf x human relationship like pretty and chris'... in their case specifically, the mechanics of sex isn't a problem. their bodies are highly compatible. what could potentially be a problem would be chris' supernatural strength. he definitely could hurt pretty if he let's go of himself a bit too much, but i think that on a subconscious level he's so attuned to her it's very unlikely that something like that could happen.

i feel like the biggest problems could come more in the emotional/social department. the pace at which werewolf x werewolf relationships develop isn't the same as it'd be in a werewolf x human one. chris was ready for anything almost as soon as they got together, i'm pretty sure. marriage, mating, puppies, anything. he was absolutely ready to settle down because that's just how werewolves are. 0 chill when it comes to these things. whereas pretty is just a human. we're more complex in that department, i fear.

so at the beginning of their relationship he was probably restraining himself a lot (we've seen it in some drabbles and such. like the mirror one... man was going through it).

then there's also the fact that, as an alpha werewolf (and THE alpha of the pack), there's this unspoken thing that what he says is gospel (even when he tries his best to not fall too much into this dynamic). even though pretty is a member of the pack and is affected by his status to some degree, her being human means there's more mental resistance when it comes to any "order" he might give that she disagrees with. if they don't communicate well, their arguments could be monumental (kinda like what happened in afraid to lose you).

oh, and his possessiveness... that could also get pretty complicated (not to say toxic) if he doesn't make the conscious effort to not let it get the best of him. pretty would also have to learn to understand these things, some times he might get very uncomfortable if she's too close to another male/alpha or he might want her to do things a certain way. just like chris tries his best to be rational, pretty also tries her best to accommodate his instinctual needs (within her boundaries, of course). again, communication is key.

there's probably also the whole societal thing when it comes to a hybrid relationship like this one. some werewolves would probably think chris is crazy for "lowering" his standards like this (their words, not mine!) instead of finding himself a pliant omega to mate with. this is something we know affects pretty to some level, making her insecure that she might not be enough and such. but chris couldn't care less, honestly. that's his prettiest, she's perfect as is.

that's all i can think about right now! feel free to let me know if i'm not making any sense or if i should clarify something further. i tried my best sjkdhfkjsdf

Some of the things that live in my mind rent-free as an artist and a writer:

- The fact the references most often used to draw male/male presenting characters feature people who are dehydrated, flexing their muscle to the extreme, and/or on steroids, yet they have become such a standard for how an Adult Dude (TM) in a comic/manga/etc. should look like that we rarely ever see any other body types and if we do, we tend to automatically consider them wrong on some level, because we have gotten so used to almost every single character having the muscles of a Marvel superhero.

- The fact that in Naruto specifically we have like three body types for main male-presenting characters (aka Teenage Boy, Adult Dude, and Gym Bro) despite the fact men have more than three body types.

- The fourth body type in Naruto (which rarely ever appears) is reserved for side characters only and it's Fat Comic Relief. When he appears, he's basically only there to be laugh at because he's ridiculous and clumsy AF.

- Don't even get me started on women and the Female Body Type, because the fact Tsunade and Sakura don't have visible muscle still annoys me to this day. They should both be buff as fuck and no, you can't change my mind on that.

- The whole idea that a shorter character must be weaker, even if the height difference is like an inch at most and the strength discrepancy literally makes no sense because of canon. Like, sometimes a shorter character can and will be not only more buff, but also way stronger and it's a fun thing to explore with your characters, both in writing and in art.

- The whole Macho Man (TM) with all the toxic masculinity traits you can dream of is another thing altogether. I have noticed that it's pretty common in Naruto Founders fandom for some reason, especially with Tobirama and Madara, and it's not my favourite to say the least. Imo characters just deserve to have more personality than Chris Pratt and the like, and, again, you can’t change my mind on that.

I guess the moral of this post is that I desire more variety and diversity, and that I should definitely continue playing around with body types and personalities of my characters 🤷

Also, as always. this is just my opinion so don't @ me, please and thank you.

Jimin’s face and tiny ‘yeah’ when joon told him to use insta more Knapp he looked half ashamed half scheming. I wonder what he was or is thinking because I don’t believe for a sec he doesn’t have any pics to upload like yoongi. 🤣I love how healthy and fluffy he looks 😭💖

And here I was about to delete this app and download Ko-fi again🤣

Whoever's lying to Jimin and telling him his body isn't pretty should slip and fall.

I went on a rant months ago that this man is having a negative view of his body again and now here we have it from his own mouth- IT WAS ALL ABOUT HIS LOOKS FROM DAY ONE. I don't wanna hear nothing else.

So much for he's doing it for his health to stretch his back actually lost friends over this topic all for him to come and and say exactly what I was saying all along. Yall made excuses for him now you looking like clowns right about now.

That said, nice body never hurt no body.

But if his definition of nice is to conform his body to these rigid toxic male body beauty standards then- chilee imma support him on it cos I want him to start modeling skirts and shit.

If Bretman can do it he can do it.

Better still he can visit Doctor Kim. I hear you don't need to lift weights and go on crazy diets to define your abs no more. A little incision here and there and he can give you the abs of your dreams uWu!

He looks good though.

Really good.

Immaculate even.

And that perm! MI LIKEY

I'm grateful for Namjoon talking positive about his body and reminding him jist how much his body inspires so many art works and that he really has a beautiful body naturally.

He shouldn't put too much stress on his body especially after his surgery and I feel I have to send him a message every day from now reminding him he really is perfect just the way he is. A healthy body is all he needs. I don't know bout this whole leaning into his masculinity business. What has muscles got to do with masculinity. Aigoo.

Namjoon really thank you. You told him something I've always wanted to tell him. He really is pretty. His body proportions is perfect. Blackswan Jimin- aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh..

And he just laughed when they asked him to do more IG? No explanation? Welp. He looked guilty asf. Man knows what he's doing lmho. He knows he has to be active on there which means he is choosing not to be. As for joonie he should be careful what he wishes for cos Jimin on his jikook agenda is a menace.

Also lowkey felt Joon put him on the spot to force his hand by discussing this so publicly like this. Would have to take my time and watch that live again in context.

Oh and just the way Joonie said Jungkook is taking dance lessons when JM said he's taking vocal lessons- is it me or it sounded a lot like those two a trading trade secrets?🤣

Jimin likes to ask for voice lessons from Kook and Kook takes dance advice from Jimin- sometimes chilee.

Aha and just look at the way Namjoon asked Jimin to post more often on IG. Yall don't think he'd give Jungkook the same advice if he's not being active on SNS?

Remember the 'now Jungkook will be back to posting for everyone on our birthday. He will make a portrait for everyone.'

Doesn't this vlive give you deja vu?

If he is asking someone to do something it's probably because he thinks the person not doing that is a problem.

Kook not posting online clearly was a problem for them or that they felt some type of way about it especially as it contradicts the kumbaya ot7 agenda they have going on.

Everyone I'm back to kissing Joonie ass. This live reminded me of why I think he is the best team leader for bangtan. Man is just intelligent. Thoughtful. I dig that. Wish he was my bro.

I want to catch JMs reaction when they name dropped Kook. Hey, we all have our kinks. This is mine keep it pushing.

Glad they came on Vlive.

Vmin are back to being lesbians as usual. We ain't mad🤣

I'm leaving but I love it here.

GOLDY

I really loved your explanation regarding vmin it was retable. kanmom51 anon, Im using a little of your ask for @tokyokookmin to explain and narrate a lil about JIMIN shes a JM biased too so I felt that it would be appropriate to ask her.

"Because it’s no secret that JM doesn’t get any praise from the company, the choreographer, and all."

"When it comes to the members it’s a different topic. They hype Jimin up. We have J-Hope constantly praising JM. Jk completely in awe with JM dance. Jin thanking him for helping him rehearse."

"So for me Bighit for some reason doesn’t do anything for JM, no credit in his work, no acknowledgement, nothing."

I felt that every single word that this anon has said is pure truth and this remark deserves much more attention. We all know what's currently going on with JM, the situation is really bad and its getting worse, toxic solo stans are bashing him and they are comparing him to other members from every perspective + even the hate that he's getting bcuz of him "annoying jk" in that memories 2020.

I need you to explain on how a wonderful person JM is. Your impact makes a huge difference on people mindset. tysm keshhh.

Hey there anon!, I deeply understand your emotions. The hate that JM is going through is really bad and I have personally reported those accounts on twt etc. I even took a few snapshots of a tiktok video comment section... I will surely share them some day or another. Well then lets get started! I can't compare J-HOPE TO JM because they are my biases and both of them captivated my eyes, I just can't resist their flawless moves and they make a great dance unit... it would be incomplete without one of them + JK lol.

Most armies would say that JK is the golden maknae or he's the best overall in the team, well y'all took JM for granted, he's capable of doing so many things as well. But before that we need to talk about his dancing skills, I have made one blog about the 3J. Here's the link if you would like to know about their achievements/viral moments https://tokyokookmin.tumblr.com/post/654670945252933632/a-guide-to-the-dance-line..... this blog was mostly just me collecting info's lmao-.

1. DANCE ☝️

Well I found this incredible video from tiktok and I thought that this video would be perfect to describe his contemporary skills. Utmost respect to the creator for creating such a masterpiece!

Jimin Van Fleet Award!

Do we really need to talk about this? We all knew what impact he had given to audience with his remarkable traditional korean fan dance.He is extremely talented, after all he trained in contemporary.

“I received many really big awards today. I sincerely appreciate it, and it was a day when I thought I would like to share it with you with better music and stage in the future. Thank you all for your support. #JIMIN# We have been unclear” #JiminWorldwideLoved 📷📷📷📷

"As emphasized by the ballet dancer, being lifted is not easy, just like in the case of Jimin in the said stage. A strong core, glutes, and chest are vital for the one being lifted." https://youtu.be/3RW91KT3bXw - another review from a japanese dancer.

He is extremely versatile and he can master any sort of genre.He excels in dancing,his moves and fluidity of his body is astonishing they way he moves every tissue in his body to perfectly to complete the cheoreo is just mind blowing, he is truly the embodiment of dancing! Believe me or not, you should pay more attention on his facial expressions... he keeps it graceful. His fingers and angle are on point.

From MAMA 2016 Lie meets Boy meets evil to MMA 2020 black swan 🦢..I wonder what's coming up next.

2. Loving member

Jimin is the member that I connect emotionally to, he's a sentimental person but he just doesn't show it you just have to pay attention on his behaviour and actions. He consoles many of the members and he provides comfort for them. The picture I attached below sets a great example.

1. BTS MAMA 2018... It was a tough year for them. They were close to disbanding, and the members were emotionally drained. My heart sank when I saw hobi breaking down in front of the crowd, you can find tons of fancams but you should take a close look at Jimin. He handled the situation very well and I love the way he gives his subtle touch of love towards the other members.

2. Taehyung grandma death announcement

I don't think that I need to explain the about the situation. Taehyung was really sad and felt guilty as he couldn't mention his grandma name. He broke down and Jimin immediately noticed him and ran towards him and just gave him little pat/huggie.

3. The Final

Even by looking at the picture you can see the comfort. You know that GCF-TOKYO song “there for you’ which implies that Jk means he will be there for jimin but "you gotta be there for me too” which means jimin gotta be there for him too. So yeah, JM just know jungkook well and he comforts Jk pretty well.It was so cute and i wished i was a part of the audience, i would have had a panic attack looking at them being so cute,fluff,intimate ON STAGE . Too bad it’s impossible now .

3.He's a badass [ athletic/ physical ]

Jimin has often talked about his experience in kendo,japanese fencing,Geomdo (검도, 劍道) “Way of the Sword” & hapkido. HAPKIDO: electid korean martial arts .It is a form of self-defense that employs joint locks, grappling, throwing techniques, kicks, punches, and other striking attacks.

https://youtu.be/oUcHghZQxiw - a video you may refer to.

.4.Academic excellence

After Namjoon Jimin has the most remarkable academic achievements in bts. He was one of the top students in junior high and was THE top student in Busan arts high school from ALL the departments. Fun fact Jimin IQ is 128! He was valedictorian too.

"When he was in junior high, he was one of the top students so Jimin's dad thought of enrolling him in a foreign language school. When he decided to go to an arts school, his teachers tried to stop him and were disappointed. He was accepted as the top of his class and attended Busan High School of Arts. He was doing really good. Then he switched to K-pop dancing and decided to be a trainee in Seoul. Teachers also tried to stop him and were disappointed. Park Jimin's life is really something.

36. Our Jimin didn't spend a lot of time preparing for the arts school. He was dancing popping when he decided to go to the arts school. He then learned modern dancing for a little over a year and was accepted at Busan High School of Arts as the top of his class even though he was a dance majorπ TT TT Every member in this group could've been successful at anything. That group is our pride, BTS.

60. Wow! If there's only one dance class, it's really incredible~ It's hard to get a top student from dance department. And it was achieved by a male student and it's Park Jimin TTTT

67. That's what I know too.. I was looking into Busan Arts School before and one class for dance is probably correct. It was mostly music and art classes that I remember. So from Busan Arts School, one out of ten classes and a male student from dance department getting accepted as the top of the class...the percentage is just incredible. I know that the dance class has about 40 students? And male students could be 25:15 or 30:10. Jimin broke through this and became the top.

Namjoon and Jimin really made a huge gamble. They could've went the easier way. Truthfully, if they went their way, they both would have succeeded. But becoming an idol and not knowing what their future will be and BTS not being successful from the beginning must have been really hard for them. But now I'm glad they're successful and they can realize they've made the right choice."

cr @artimitatesjimin

I really respect and idolize him. His personality is unique and its different.He's been through alot. Being kicked from BTS for 8+ times, the members ranking his looks as the last and being called fat and ugly, that's really disturbing. He starved and went on diets just to please the audience and to have a jawline. He works his ass of and he really deserves more. He's obviously cutie,sexy,lovely,sweet guy! He prioritize his career, family and fans before anything. He has absolute heavenly vocals (+crazyyy high notes) and he is the definition of stage presence. PARK JIMIN IS THE STANDARD. Solo toxic fans are definitely going to attack on me but this is the reality.Jimin deserves more and he's such a sweet person. He performs with his whole heart and expresses it wonderfully,he goes all out and each performance comes out from his soul. He loves to perform. I MEAN FOR THE LOOKS, JIMIN IS THE FIRST FOR JUNGKOOK~.

He once even wasn't able to attend THE GRAHAM NORTON SHOW due to his sore muscles.

He went through alot and he deserves the #1 in brand reputation, who doesn't admire his determination?

Each member is unique in their own way. I want no hate or malice on my platform ~

Bits and pieces I collected anon! love ya ~ stay safe.

the cornerstone of self-idolization and lack of self-preservation: our ex-twt stan + has a cc as a sibling rant

preface: my system joined mcyttwt a while back (i can't remember exact times due to personal reasons) and it genuinely contributed to the downfall and spiral of our mental health in the past year. especially from my perspective as a protecter alter, i saw the brunt of things that stressed us to the point of detriment. our sibling has half a million followers on some platforms (not mcyt) and we have seen firsthand through him how pressure from online can affect ccs. (we will not be speaking on his experience as they probably do not want us to publically.) also sorry if this is a little incoherent we had a seizure this morning- this is just to get everything off our chest.

DEHUMANIZATION + STANDARDS:

b4 i start here's the dictionary definition of dehumanization: "transitive verb. : to deprive (someone or something) of human qualities, personality, or dignity: such as. a : to subject (someone, such as a prisoner) to inhuman or degrading conditions or treatment "… you treat people with respect, you get respect back." + heres smth from brenebrown.com "Maiese defines dehumanization as “the psychological process of demonizing the enemy, making them seem less than human and hence not worthy of humane treatment.” Dehumanizing often starts with creating an enemy image."

the dehumanization of content creators on mcyttwt is disgusting. they are placed on pedestals and expected to walk on eggshells when creating their own content and writing THEIR OWN tweets and messages- they are expected to drop FRIENDS over what teenagers on twitter who don't know them personally thought of them. they were expected to respond to death-threats and criticism and harassment with a big smile and an apology for whatever they did. they are people who are not treated as people by stan twitter- they are treated as higher-than while simultaneously lesser-than when they are normal people who make mistakes. this is not okay. having interpersonal relationships + making mistakes & learning from them are basic parts of life that these content creators are being stripped of by twitter's cesspool of a community and it's so blatant and disgusting that they are faced with daily swarms of harassment for simply making mistakes + making friends + having lives while making content.

(side-note: another form of dehumanization is the fact that twitter consistently strips people of their privacy and private lives. cc or not you are expected to put everything about yourself out there [face included ie: selfie day] and that's blatantly unsafe for minors and adults alike. the way they dig into personal histories and pasts and relationships while simultaneously preaching "respect boundaries" is disgusting and deplorable.)

twitter's policy of "i stan this person, i like their content" while simultaneously harassing the ones that they claim to enjoy content from is confusing at best. it is detrimental to any cc's health. the villianization of ccs is fucking ridiculous.

WHITE SAVIORS:

coming from a poc person, twitter has a rampant disgusting problem with white saviors 👍🏼. i don't even need to get into it, everyones seen it and you all know. also i'm not even getting into how mcyttwt treats mexicans 👍🏼 i'm not your little maraca drug cartel "ayyy man" meow meow, emily.

white people on twitter: we are not your toy for activism. we are not yours to use to excuse your harassment of real people. fuck you. shut up. let us speak for ourselves and uplift our voices when we ask. (also stop with the "ugh 🙄 white people" shit. we're talking about you ❤️.)

PERFORMATIVE ACTIVISM:

twitter preaches to not be performaitve in lifting up voice and then is preformaitve.

there's countless threads that are out there just for clicks and likes (ie. "things not to say to a trans person" *states the most obvious shit like 'don't call them their agab'*) for fucking popularity. it's all the time, people chase clout under the guise of pretending to care about minorities. it's sickening, especially when they bring race or ethnicity into these threads for their ""activism"".

MISOGYNY:

twitter's gender bias is again, blatant.

female ccs will call out the same behaviors male ccs get praised for calling out and will get degraded and put down and have their name trending under "[name] neg //" for hours after the tweet is sent, they'll be harassed for days afterward and shamed. their bodies will be judged by fucking randoms who have no place saying anything (women aren't objects!). they get shit for the same thing male ccs do with no consequences. it's disgusting, it's blatant, and it's not being talked about or addressed.

PERSONAL AFFECTS:

it never allowed for enjoying content. it was contestant stressful pressure to keep up with every minute and miniscule detail of what a cc did, constantly choosing sides and never being allowed to speak outside of what the collective group on twitter thought. having an opinion other than "this is wrong and should be the downfall of this human person" was not allowed. there was an issue every day, we felt like we couldn't say we enjoyed anything without someone coming in our dms like "um.. did you know [insert something mildly problematic]... you should delete that post about liking them." and god forbid when "cc neg //" would trend because everyone couldn't maturely move on from something that wasn't a big deal. twitter has made my system SPLIT NEW ALTERS because of the stress and obligation we felt to keep up with every minute detail. (albeit we are polyfrag and prone to splitting, and our co-host at the time was an emotionally volatile dream introject during a very dream-critical time. that still doesn't excuse the toxic environment that caused the splits in the first place :|.)

what twitter does to people- especially ccs, is unsafe and unpleasant at best and traumatizing at worst. these people need to grow the up, put on their big boy pants and realize that not everything is about them.

all of this is off the top of my head too :| we've been waiting to rant about this since we got ON twitter. this doesn't even scratch the surface of the abelism and babying of ND ppl or people with disabilities + the other horrid shit that happens on that app.

tl;dr twitter touch fucking grass and do it FAST holy shit. please go outside and talk to people. get a job. read a book. do some math or something idk.

honestly one of the most defining things about my experience as a trans male is the way it intersects with and fucks up my relationships and sexuality and self-expression specifically because of being male & the way society sees men & the way I'm scared to be seen.

(I transitioned over a decade ago now and these are still daily battles)

I'm bisexual but I neuter myself when it comes to expressing any sort of attraction or interest in anyone - I don't want to be a man who makes women feel uncomfortable, even unintentionally; I don't want to be a queer man who makes other men feel uncomfortable, even unintentionally - so I flirt with nobody, keep everything 110% platonic, don't even let myself appreciate the way somebody looks.

There's a tightrope of gender expression: too masculine, you're a stereotype and Toxic; too effeminate, you're not really masc enough, are you secretly still female, etc. Are my slightly more effeminate ways a result of being brought up as a girl, or because of who I am as a person? I don't know, but I'm tired.

I hate my body but I love my body but I'm scared to have somebody look at it but I want somebody to look at it and find it attractive but I feel like I should want bottom surgery but I definitely don't and I'm happy having sex with the parts I have but does that undermine me? I already feel like my body is a Secret I have to unwillingly reveal to prospective partners, and I'm tired of so many people going 'um okay but no thanks, not into that' as it means that my standards become lower and lower just out of that deep desire to be loved and to be found attractive by someone.

but then I feel like desiring that is inherently predatory and it circles back around again.

I’m realizing what some of my writing block is. This is why I’ve decided to only write *adult market.* I can’t write YA. I can’t even write for people who want to read YA. The narrative demands of an audience that wants everything to be Young Adult, are like handcuffs. I can’t write within those boundaries, I just can’t.  I can’t even write for people who read Adult then get mad that it’s not YA. I can’t write even for younger readers of erotica. I can only write for people with roughly my same level of social experience who are coming from the same place, who don’t require their characters to be moral paragons, or who want to read something that is coming from a different place emotionally, or... for that matter... young people who prefer to read older work.  Long winded diatribe about some of my more difficult, culturally incorrect romantic narratives I’ve written, as an example of this problem. In case you’re not going to read behind the read-more, no, I don’t write incest or pedo. (Doesn’t mean I won’t write a character who has experienced this if it comes up, I haven’t yet, but who knows. But I don’t write positive portrayals of it. I feel I need to write this disclaimer here.)  

Looking at my writing - I have some scenes I’ve written that are very passionate. It’s basically an OC fanfic type of scenario, it’s writing I did that spun off of a game setting my characters were in for a very long time, about two characters who later ended up married. (And I often do this when game groups fall apart, I start writing about my characters.) It’s some of my best writing, and I’ve often thought about filing the serial numbers off and cannibalizing this for some totally original setting. In the piece I’m looking at, the characters haven’t jumped each other’s bones yet, but there is a strong attraction between two lonely, unattached coworkers that is growing into... outright longing. These are middle aged divorcees with children. They have navigated love and lust before. They have been adults at this point for a long time. They are both sexually experienced (her, in fact, much more than him). It’s clear that they utterly want to rail each other from dusk to dawn until neither one of them can walk. Much of this is from the point of view of the male character. (And I LOVE writing het from the male point of view; it’s one of my favorite love/sex dynamics to write.) They’re definitely conscious of this attraction and in their private thoughts that I’ve written, before the attraction is consummated, there’s definitely “strong crush” energy. These are experienced, sexually mature, middle aged people who are both divorcees with children and they definitely are guessing correctly about the other person’s attraction and interest. They’re imperfect people: they’ve made bad life choices in the past. They’re equals, but it’s never *explicitly pointed out.* He’s a hypermasculine (but not toxically) and badass warrior type, she’s an engineer. She is older than he is, but that never matters and never comes up any more than the fact that I’m 6 years older than my fiance, ever comes up in our relationship. All four of us are *middle aged people* and it is just not a topic of conversation. Another thing that’s “eh” by YA standards is that The thing with how I portray and read erotic or romantic stuff, is that I am an older, experienced person, and I like stuff about older, experienced people. People who already know how to navigate these situations and don’t necessarily need everything spelled out. The thing is, I almost feel like - because of changing sexual mores - I can only write for people over 40 unless I totally rewrite the way everything goes and even the emotional temperature of their early relationship. Even though it’s very clear that my characters are absolutely mutually into each other, and it would be clear to any experienced person who navigates body language, I would have to navigate a whole new set of mores around having to outright spoonfeed my audience - we are really into tell don’t show now, we are really into long winded prefaces to everything explaining how everyone involved is really a good person, and I notice that there’s so little comprehension of nuance or subtlety now, things have to be spelled out, one character reading another person’s body language and flirting at a subtler level would be considered gross and against the present day’s mores around consent. My characters ultimately end up making out and going to bed and they never, ever talk about it and they never process it. The establishment of consent is very, very brief and amounts to one middle aged horny person basically saying “wanna fuck” to another middle aged horny person (personally, my absolute favorite way to start a relationship, that’s how my current and best relationship started, 10/10 highly recommend) and, 12 hours later, the other person pulling them into their hotel room. It’s the kind of establishment of consent that you would’ve seen in an older work and it’s not a particularly complicated dance. I didn’t write this work for public consumption outside of a handful of people and perhaps if I did, maybe I would have written it differently because I’d have to assume that “show don’t tell” doesn’t work on audiences who don’t read nuance, I don’t know. Also, in the lead up to the two characters doing the do, they totally sexually objectify each other in their heads. They think about how much they’d really, really like to pounce on each other. And this is... objectifying, or something. I always portray consent but there’s never a complicated ritual around it. I don’t enjoy writing that. Also, I really enjoy writing and reading stuff with spontaneous passion. I LOVE stuff where it’s even a little over the top.

But the big thing that seems to have changed? The big social more? It feels like you’re not really allowed to show your characters crushing too hard, or desiring too much. They’re certainly never allowed to have frustrating desire or one-sided attractions. (I’ve written lots of those. How the character acts on it or doesn’t, is going to depend upon what type of character I’m writing. I have a couple of one sided best friend crush types of dynamics that I’ve written, usually it’s same sex and incompatible sexual orientation.)   Characters are not really allowed to be horny and there seems to be a general disgust with horniness. Which is difficult to navigate because I love horny work, about horny people. I love stuff about crushes and frustrated limerence.   Also? I even love forbidden romance and forbidden sex and sometimes, and even characters doing things they’re Not Supposed To Do. (I think this is why so many people in my age group are into crime fiction, stuff about illicit affairs, etc.) I have the standard legal and moral limits, but yes I will even read about characters cheating on their spouses. It doesn’t mean I condone what the character is doing or want to do it, and it’s satisfying to see how the situation resolves. (It has to have consequences or it’s just not believable.)  

But even age differences between grown ass adults and massive social differences don’t bother me. I love reading and writing common and royal, rich and poor, people from forbidden and different social worlds.

I’m presently writing something in which a young (but adult) witch is married to an immortal god, and finds out she’s one of millions of his brides through history, and hundreds in the present time. And she is going to stay married to him because that’s part of, in my world, being the type of witch she is. OF COURSE there’s a power difference because HE’S A GOD. The story also spends a lot of time with her as a child, because I write CRADLE TO GRAVE CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT. I love to spend a character’s entire life with them, from the time they’re born to the time they die. But leaving that aside. The sweetest and most tender romance I’ve ever written, involved a sad 50something man and a 25ish year old woman. I was in my 20s when I wrote this. I had lived with the male character in my head for a long time and knew him inside and out. I was delighted when I realized that sparks were flying between him and another character, I’d lived through this character’s life story and its long history of unhappy self-sacrifice, and I decided to follow to see where it led... and it was delightful! I decided to let him have the happy ending. He deserved it after all of this time. She was the initiator of the relationship. She’s in love with him. He is a widower who’s lost everything and now he has a chance to rebuild his life and start a family with this new person. She has other suitors but wants him. She gets pregnant. But it’s narratively a blessing. She wants him, she wants their child, and he’s delighted (especially since his late wife and child are dead), it’s a matrilineal culture, she and the child will stay on the land with her family after he dies. This is a blessing for him. They’re on her family’s land and he’s an exile with no home. She is NOT a Literal Child; she is a grown-ass adult with her own agency, who is sexually experienced, and who has born a lot of responsibility, and is in a prominent social position. His existence is at the mercy of her family, though they keep him around because of his knowledge and abilities. He is the one who doesn’t initiate the relationship, because he’s conscious of the age difference and feels like an old fool, and worries she’ll tire of him one day. Who has the power? Also, he’s a “fish out of water” from another (completely fictitious) culture who ends up totally living among, and assimilating into, this new culture, and basically living out the rest of his life among them, with his bride and their children. And that’s something that isn’t supposed to happen, right? (Writers whose characters just show up in their heads, will relate to this. I don’t even pick my characters’ love interests.)

mlm imo werent sexualized to the degree that wlw were in most canon media mostly because of the male gaze. Gay and Lesbian relationships or moments got very limited representation. One was probably more sympathetic but also heart breaking like say brokeback mountain. One was explicit but depicted as grotesque or twisted or perverted or immoral in some way. And the last version was the titillating version. In western media because of the assumed straight male gaze lesbians making out to titlate guys was a common thing like say in Jennifer's body. The equivalent of that with guys wasnt really that common not in western media. Not that wlw couldn't like that content but it was made to be fanservice for men .

So thats what I kind of mean by wlw were sexualized at least in western media. This equivalent with mlm in fandom never really existed they never made out for girls to find hot in the same way. It was never marketed like oh look hot guys making out. Fandom did that but not canon.

As for comic book men being sexualized kind of. There is definitely the unrealistic beauty standards but theres that debate of was it for the purpose of titillating women? Or a result of toxic masculinity putting this unattainable unsustainable goal for men. Maybe both? But both in comics and the movies they are based on the posing and clothing and moments with women get made to clearly sexualize them . It especially ovbious with comics with them twisting their bodies so their boobs and butts are jutting out. Or like movie moments like Bruce landing in Natasha's clevage. Or angles where you are staring down a female character's shirt or she has a boob window for some contrived reason. Or just reasons to give full page spreads of them in skimpy clothing.

Its rare men get depicted like this or posed like this. And when they do it often stands out because its not the norm. It's something unique. Not true with men. Even in form fitting spandex they are often posed and framed to make to make them look powerful or intelligent or to reveal things about their character.

Again not that men never get sexualized or that fanservice is always bad. Or that its not a concern that men are having these terrible body image issues. But just that for women for the sexualization its so pervasive and constant was my point.

Its just as bad in wlw in canon as it is for women in relationships with men in canon when it comes to that sexualization but i hear so much more about the problems about the wlw ship than the mlw ship. Like to use DC as a example i hear so much about how people sexualized or mishandle harleyivy but compared to that i hear very little about batcat in comparison even though Catwoman is often just as sexualized in that ship.

As for misogyny in shipping wars yes it definetly exists and is a problem as is racism and homophobia. But my issue is mostly that the problem isnt because the main popular ships are mlm. But so often I see the argument framed that way.

Like shipping wars existed between m/w ships and still do today. And they are still often pretty misogynistic towards the woman in the other ship. I don't even have to look at other fandoms I remember Steggy vs Starton getting real ugly.

Mysogny in fandom doesn't uniquely pop up when mlm are the more popular ship. Its often just as bad in fandoms where m/w is the popular ship. But people just bring it up alot more they make it bout valuing the men over the women .

Well i mean that goes both ways you could say its homophobic for valuing the straight ship as better than the gay one or liking it more. But either way its stupid they dont care bout sexism or homophobia only that their ship is more popular.

Thats the sentiment of all ship wars the gender dynamics and racial make up change nothing. Nothing except the bullshit you use for the ship war.

The problem is that people are being homophobic and mysogynistic and racist not just in regards to fictional characters but towards real people just to win a ship war. It comes out so easily. Thats the problem imo.

Mysogny for example i think isnt discussed as much when its a m/w vs m/w ship war or drama because as both ships have women it can't be used to slander the other ship. But when its drama between fans of a m/m and m/w it comes out alot again not because anyone really cares but because now because one ship lacks a woman it can be used as fodder for what people actually care about. Tearing down the other ship.

Again not that mlm fandom doesnt have mysogny. They definetly do. But they aren't mysogynistic because they ship two guys together. Thats not proof they hate women. Having a ship with women isnt proof that you aren't sexist towards women. There might be homophobia in fandoms of mlm ships and mysogny in fandoms of m/w ships.

But in the drama between a m/w and m/m ships that doesn't get brought up because no one cares if that problem can't be used to show that someone only doesn't ship your ship if they are bigoted against it. Who cares about misogyny if your ship is two guys? Who cares about homophobia if your ship is straight?

No one because they cared about the popularity of their ship not the actual issues.

Gonna under under the cut for length again.

This is a lot to read so I'm gonna respond paragraph by paragraph and hope for the best in terms of comprehension.

When it comes to media made about the LGBTQ+ community, you have to keep in mind when it was made, who made it, and who was it made for. And that it's been shown that straight women have had the same reactions to mlm content as straight men to wlw content. QaF was dumbfounded to find that the majority of their audience was straight women when the show's sex scenes were 95% between two or more men and yet that's what they ran with because hey, it got the views. The views of mlm and wlw content in the mainstream media before then was minimized, despite how fucked a lot of the other content could be. If by "most canon media" being directed at the male gaze being summer blockbusters, and more specifically comic book movies, then sure. If we step out of that box, then not really. The film examples you chose are interesting because BB is portrayed exactly how the author of the original short story wrote it which was meant to be heartbreaking since it was a tragic dramatic piece while JB has a woman who wrote and another woman who directed it while purposefully trying to allow to actress to have a level of sexuality without exploiting her as past directors have (also neither of the main characters are lesbians - one is bi, the other I think is straight but maybe questioning?).

The sexualization of wlw in modern western media is definitely a thing. I mean, the first Iron Man film has stewardesses on the private jet pole dancing if I remember correctly. It took until 2016 to stop sexualizing Scarlett in every movie: the changing scene in IM2, the lowered zipper in A1, the ass shot in Cap 2, the boob faceplant in AoU (in your third paragraph, but mentioning it here anyway). It's a joke that you know when a man directs a wlw indie film during the sex scenes. But the mlm equivalent did exist alongside it, and it's what kicked off the century.

Comics and their movies were always for men. The male bodies are male wish fulfilment for their physical appearance. The women are male wish fulfilment for their dream girls. Funnily enough, one of the least sexualized women in comics I've ever read is Sharon. She's rarely, if ever, drawn to be sexualized for the audience. I'm not even sure she's even been in those swimsuit issues Marvel did years ago. And it shows heavily that Marvel struggles to know how to appeal to women without being aggressively in your face about it. The best example of them appealing without pandering is WV, and the worst is the group shots the Russos did in IW and Endgame, especially the latter.

But the men get those poses in the movies too. Thor bathed shirtless for no reason in TDW. There's a scene in Endgame dedicated to talking about Steve's ass. Pratt in GotG. Rudd in Ant-Man. Most actors are expected to look good shirtless and put themselves through intense shit to look that way. So do the women, but they aren't doing it to have the glamor shots of their muscles. And the MCU is not the only film franchise like this. Most, if not all, franchises with majority or entirely male leads expects them all to look like bodybuilders. And I'm gonna take back that it's just for the male audience, because these bodies are meant to appeal to women who are intended to thirst for these actors too. They think these bodies is what will bring women to the theaters.

None of this will change, as you say, that women's sexualization is "constant and pervasive". The film industry is just a part of the larger whole of media. Television and advertising have a treatment of women that's beyond whatever you or I say because there are decades worth of shit to go through that would take dozens of essays worth of writing to fully divulge beyond "please stop it's gross".

Now DC is a whole other ballgame. They're pretty infamous for their artists' sexualization of heroines and villainesses. Harley, Ivy, and Selina are definitely pretty bad, but when I remember what I've seen drawn of Kara, Kori, or sometimes Barbara... But outside of one artist, I think Harley and Ivy as a couple have been drawn tamely. Can't say the same for Selina, because they just can't not draw every part of her body even when she's fully clothed.

I think it's hard not to talk about fandom misogyny outside of m/m ships because of how often popular m/m shippers have rooted their shipping into misogyny. And even with m/f ship wars, a lot of the time the "faulted" character is always the woman when majority of the time it's the man who sucks. I don't get why everyone is fighting for who should kiss Steve because Steve sucks and they'd be better off without him. But because Steve is the object of affection for our fave, we have to fight off everyone else.

Don't look at other fandoms for m/f ship wars. We don't appreciate how tame we were, even at our worst. I'm serious, I've seen so much worse.

I think why the topic of misogyny comes up more with m/m ships is because they follow a similar principle of the male characters being more developed in canon and fanon so it's who people gravitate towards.

There is definitely layers of homophobia in fandom, but there's many versions of how we see it. Homophobes who won't ship anything that's not m/f. Homophobes who ship m/m but won't support IRL rights. People who love m/m but abhor f/f, and vice-versa. The shippers who use them for personal fodder. But the sexism is more prevalent than the homophobia. And the racism way more than both combined.

And it does cause a lot of ammo, and much of it severely unjustified, in ship wars. Literally the bullshit I've seen pulled out of thin air to accuse Sharon of not being worthy because someone said she's a racist for [they literally had no reason just called her one because we said Sam and Sharon are friends because they are] and other nonsense.

The real world repercussions of the homophobia, the sexism, and the racism in fandom... there's just so much. Like we are all still people, and yet we decide because we hide behind screens to be antagonistic, and use homophobic, sexist, and racist shit to attack each other over ships just because we want to paint the other person as crazy, I guess? If you can't see that there are no enemies in ship wars and that the other side is still people, maybe you need to sit out and log off. It's baffling how often it still happens to people. Then it's no longer about ships, it's about who is an asshole.

I will say that Steve and Peggy vs Steve and Sharon is probably the only m/f ship war I've seen where misogyny is talked about. Is, not was, because it still is. Both sides call the others misogynistic. I don't think either side is, but you can see in individuals. Those who tweeted at a certain actress that she was a slut for kissing her costar certainly are though.

You are right that shipping m/m isn't inherently sexist. But tearing down women in those ships to prop up m/m has made me stop shipping certain characters altogether. People, seriously, we don't have to justify why we like them! We can just like them! And other characters can still exist! It's never been that deep.

And you're right, the popularity of the ship helps people ignore any deeper issues within them and this is a power used to silence valid criticism if it pops up.

(I hope I answered everything well for you.)

~Mod R

GMMTV 2021 shows I will/will not be watching and why:

46 Days - I watched this trailer twice to decide and if it didn’t have Off and Mild I would probably skip it. But honestly Baifern won me over in the end. She’s got a perfect blend of witty and manic that I LOVE. I’m never a fan of the whole “net idol” trope but it worked in the long run in Mint to Be, so maybe it will work again in this. Will I watch it? Very likely.

An Eye for An Eye - Not remotely my cup of tea. Even the top tier acting power of Krist and Ohm cannot get me to be interested in this genre. Revenge. Betrayal. Rich people and their empires. Snooze. Will I watch it? Not even remotely.

Drag, I Love You - This could be surprisingly good or very problematic. I’ve never seen Grace Karnklao in anything, but she stands out to be as someone who has charisma and is interesting to look at. The plot feels like something I’ve seen many times before in western media. Will I watch it? Maybe. We’ll see if I remember when the time comes.

Fish Upon the Sky - This started out a snore until they threw in the love rivals fall in love twist at me. It’s not something I’ve seen done before, but it’s something I’ve wished for endlessly. I love my sons, Phuwin and Neo, and as much as I would have LOVED to see them paired together finally (shakes fist at My Tee), I’m cool with it playing out differently. Will I watch it? Yes. I will definitely watch it.

Mama GoGo - What a mess! I’m delighted. This show looks like pure crack. I love a tale of women partnering up to raise themselves up through subculture, and opening a male strip club is certainly subculture. Also look at all my men! This looks funny and slapstick. It should be a nice diversion. Will I watch it? Probably. But no promises.

Mr. Lipstick - So this is a straight up standard romcom and that’s not really my type of show. I like romcoms so long as they have something unique to offer plotwise (or are gay and this is definitely not gay). I looks cute enough but the leads don’t do anything for me. Will I watch it? If I’m bored maybe.

Never Too Late - NOW THIS! This is my kind of show! I was hooked from the start. Then realizing it’s a fantasy of adult people returned to their former teenage bodies. YES! Khaotung as a canonically gay man (played by Kob Songsit as the older version of the character which WE LOVE). MORE YES! The one girl who is a take-no-shit rockstar and I’m love with her already. ALL THE YES! Everything about Nanon’s character. I’M ALL IN! Will I watch it? TRY TO STOP ME

Step Darling - Nope. This is the opposite of the kind of show I’m into. No thank you. It’s basically a whole lot of slapping and possessivness and jealousy and toxic masculinity and just all the soap opera elements I reject. Will I watch it? HAHAH kill me first.

Baker Boys - Is this a BL? I can’t tell. The manga it’s based on has a BL element according to my research, but it’s not who the trailer makes you think it will be. Either way, this looks cute but also dark, which is one of my favorite sub genres (think WWWSK). I also already love the bodyguard character. Also, this may be the first time I actually really like Pluem’s character too. Will I watch it? For Singto, yes I will.

Enchante' - If this doesn’t end with friends to lovers I will set something on fire. Overall, I’m happy with how GMMTV has decided to diversifying their BL plots this year. This one may be the most typical of the bunch and it’s really not typical at all. This is also definitely the gayest of the BLs on the GMM slate for 2021. Will I watch it? Of course I will. Do you know me at all?

The War of Flowers - I couldn’t even finish watching this trailer. Another soap opera full of cat fights, wine tossing, and toxic femininity. Will I watch it? -_- 

Bad Buddy - This is probably my favorite of the bunch (no surprise considering P’Aof is running the show). Nanon and Ohm are acting kings among the younger GMMTV crew. To see Ohm in another BL was a everlasting wish of mine. To see Nanon in any BL at all was something for which I wouldn’t even hold my breath. This was entirely unexpected and my brain couldn’t even accept that it was actually a BL up until the very last few seconds of the trailer. Will I watch it? If I’m not screaming about this show every week while it airs assume I’m dead.

Irresistible - More blah. Why are all the cishet GMMTV show for 2021 so soapy. Will I watch it? no. 

The Player - The only soapy lakorn with rights this year. This is a delightful twisty mess with a fantastic cast. Basically a murder mystery that feels more like a movie than a drama. Will I watch it? I’ll certainly give it a fair shot. 

Not Me - Let me tell you how I had to pause and pace around for a solid ten minutes when I realized in the opening shot that this was a new OffGun drama. The trailer is confusing as hell, but Off and Gun in a gang! Gun with tatts! Gun playing twins! That fucking kiss! Holy shit! There is so much to love. I don’t even care if this has a sad ending or what. Just give me a new OffGun drama every year and I won’t burn shit down. Will I watch it? If I could download this directly into my brain tomorrow, I would.

F4 Thailand - Hana Yori Dango was the jdrama that kicked off my long steady fall into Asian drama obsession. I’ve not been able to watch any of the other versions since. But this one feels like I could finally embrace a retelling of a story that I loved. Bright feels exactly right for this role as does Tu Tontawan. The trailer was certainly lacking in content, but I’ll forgive that. Will I watch it? Of course I will. 

A Tale of Thousand Stars - We know this one will be kicking off 2021 and I feel like I will love it. The original trailer from 2019 was fine, but knowing P’Aof and my love of everything he touches, I trust this will be incredible. Will I watch it? Just tell me where and when.

Girl2K - I love the synopsis of a 2000 year old woman who can only die if she finds her soulmate. What a tragicomedy! My favorite. Also since Off is the ML, I was sold on this before I even knew what it was about. Will I watch it? Put Off in a drama and I will watch. I sat through every episode of Wolf for that man. *shudders*

Long Winding Road Stay Strapped My Dude

By: Astoria Cathryn Andromeda

Alrighty, this is a long one boys. So I touched briefly on this in my Welcome to Literally Everything post. No worries I'll recap you, so you don't have to switch back and forth. I just diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder, and then ADHD when I was 18 years old, and even then I had to fight for it after countless hours of research. See, there seems to be a wee bit of misogyny in the neurodiverse diagnoses. When I say a wee bit, I mean that scientists used to think that only boy could be autistic or ADHD. They only studied autism in males. Fortunately, nowadays we know that girls can be autistic and/or ADHD, but we present the traits differently than boys, and a lot of our traits are played off due to gender roles in society. For example, being overly talkative in girls is called chatty, whereas boys who can't sit still are sent off for testing immediately. This also causes problems for the boys, because little Johnny gets put on Adderall at the ripe age of 6 years old, just because he can't sit still for 8 hours straight, which by the way should not be expected of any elementary school kid, By the time, he's 25 he's 1) completely dependent on amphetamines 2) his body will stop producing dopamine due to being on the medication for so long. Nicht Gut. Generally, boys who are on the spectrum get picked out earlier due to late speaking, or lack of social skills. This is the one thing that girls happen to do better than boys. Girls are good at masking, which is basically taking social traits, phrases, personalities, demeanor, and copying them. In public, they put on a mask and at home, they have a meltdown. Girls are still not picked up as being on the spectrum, because shyness is called being 'ladylike' and 'dainty', and having a meltdown is just because :( girls are oh-so emotional, boohoo. Anyways tons of women do not get diagnosed with autism until they are well into their adulthood, I actually can be considered lucky to have technically still been a teenager when we finally got all the pieces together.

Alright, let's start with I don't know me as a baby. I did not speak until I was 2 years old, and then it was immediately full sentences from then on. I didn't do the babbling thing, which I don't know how impactful that really is to the topic. I was a very shy little girl. I was teeny tiny, we didn't know I if I was going to make it to 5 feet tall until I had a big growth spurt in 7th grade. I am 5'2 now and definitely done growing in case you were wondering, so not that short anymore. I did not like talking to adults, especially strangers, especially men. I did not look anyone in the face, and I will always hide behind my parent's legs when they would try to introduce me to people. I am an only child, and I spent a lot of time entertaining myself. I always had seasonal affective disorder, where my grades would dip in the winter. My parents knew I had a timer, they had 45 minutes from the moment they stepped into a restaurant before I would start breaking down. If I got off schedule as a toddler in any form, it was a catastrophe. Or this is what my parents and family tell me. I didn't really notice. I did not like being out in public a lot, I was a very picky eater, and I was extremely hyper. I was a very eccentric child, I only had 1-2 close friends and they were always a very well-liked outgoing girl who I just followed around. Looking back, I don't know how we missed it. I was shy because I didn't understand how social interactions worked, I was anxious about it because I didn't understand, I had sensory overloads, routines, and a very bland diet with a safe food which was ketchup. I put that shit on literally everything, eas, apples, mac and cheese, pizza, all meat, anything something forced me to eat that I did not like. But because I could sit still in class, and because I could zone out and daydream all day through school and still make A's nobody ever flagged me for anything and how I was supposed to know that not everybody just copied other people, scripted things before they talked, and could never pay attention. My mom always required me to be in a sport, and I was a gymnast and a swimmer for a long time, two very high-intensity sports, to help lower my energy levels, and because my mom has mild depression and she knows that exercise does help. Skip to middle school, my mom tells me I'm being bullied at church. It's not that I wasn't observing my surroundings I knew I was being excluded, but I didn't understand vindictive behavior, I thought it was my fault. I had zero friends in 8th grade until I sat down next to a random acqutaince I had gone to school with since I was 4 and the same gymnastics place. Then we were immediately attached at the hip after that. She is my best friend due this day and definitely got me through high school. Led me through so many social situations without either of us knowing. I had a very close friendgroup in highschool, all of them were on the drumline which I met through my best friend, and my first boyfriend was my best friend's neighbor. I ended up playing bass guitar for my high school's indoor drumline, and it was the best experience ever. I love my friends, but I had really bad depression when I was 15-now:) jk It's better. I didn't really realize I was depressed, I just didn't want to go to school, or swim practice, or do anything so of course, my mom noticed, and then once it was pointed out to me it got worse. My severe anxiety spiraled with my depression. Senior year of high school, my boyfriend and I were like toxic star crossed lovers, hurting each other over and over again without meaning to. My friends and I were self harming, all my close friends gad some demon going on. I finally decided to try therapy again after the disaster of being forced to go when I was 15 and the lady told me I wasn't depressed because I had a boyfriend and good grades. It helped a bit, I was able to get my panic attacks under control. Then I went away to college and stayed dating my senior high school boyfriend, we were just up and down as always, but with slightly better communication. My freshman year of college I joined a fraternity, a research lab, and my first hs boyfriend/ex/best friend and I went to a Christian campus place. By second semester, I had a lot of people who knew me and talked to me, but I didn't have any close friends, and even less close friends who were girls. All my close friends who were girls were at another college. My parents were worried about me, so they made me rush a sorority, which I knew was never my scene, but my parents made me join and I found a few girls I liked. Soon I was going to 6 classes, fraternity chapter, research lab meetings, christain crash group meetings, soriorty pledge meetings all on every Tuesday. I was different person at each of these events and wore a different mask. I was having what I know now were autistic burnout meltdowns every single day on the phone in my crusty dorm's stairwell. It was not cute. His mental health had always been bad too. Finally I decide I need to try a psychatrist and go back to therapy, and then he broke up with me. Then I made my first close friend, a guy who was in 3 of classes, and I took him to my fraternity's formal, and then coronavirus happened.  Rona kinda saved my grades, and mental health by sending us home event though it did suck. I got on anti-anxiety meds and things went up, but I was still having what I thought were panic attacks, they were austistic meltdowns. My psychiatrist, he's kinda an asshole, he diagnosed me with Obessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. I'll insert definition here: (OCPD) is a personality disorder that's characterized by extreme perfectionism, order, and neatness. People with OCPD will also feel a severe need to impose their own standards on their outside environment.> Basically hr told me I had rules for everything like how everyone drives on the right side of the road, but nobodythinks about it andwhen I broke one of my rules I got depressed, and when wasn't perfect I got depressed, and when I made an A I was relieved not proud. The diagnosis seemed to fit really well, and my therapist and I started working finding my rules, and getting rid of the bad ones, and making the others less harsh. I had thought every once and in a while in my life when I was really upset, what if I'm on the spectrum, because I just felt so hopeless for social interactions and I didn't understand. I always felt like I was a very specific person, but after the ocpd I started thinking more and more, and I saw a tik tok of a girl with lae diagnosed autism basically describing me and ranting about the misogyny. I did more research and I decide, yea I'mm gonna bring it up to mypsychatrist well he's a dick, so he was like um you don't act like sheldon cooper from the Big Bang theory,and I was like wellI just I have always thought I might have adhd like be neureodiverse, and he was like your grade point average in hs was a 97.8%, you're not adhd. I immediately cried, because I can't handle when anyone says anything in a even a slightest stringent tone. I'm baby, I know lmao. It made me angry though because I felt like he just brushed away all of my struggles I had in my whole life. I spent hours researching and typed up a 47 page document on evidence for why I was on the spectrum, and had my parents help will some of checklists to make sure I was getting outside perspectives. I rally my parents to be my back up and next psychiatrist appointment we actually talk about it and he asked my parents questions about when I was young and such and finally he was okay you're on the spectrum. I felt so validated and like I could start being myself. I slowly got more and more confident, changed my style of clothing, and researched more about adhd pushed to be tested, and oh look at that I also have ADHD. So basically discourse: "I feel like as a child I coded a machine to do life for me so I didn’t get bothered except I didn’t know about the machine I thought i was the machine and now I’ve become self aware and I have to learn how to read the code and rewrite the code because it’s dysfunctional because I’m not functioning well as a human being. I was really shy as a child. I would turn beat red when people talked to me or looked at me so I think I started cookie cutting situations and using them over and over again because they worked until I accidentally hard wired these expansion rules and expectations for myself. I didn’t may attention is class ever I just day dreamed and if I got good grades i wouldn’t be bothered i could just stay in my head and if I did my sport well my parents didn’t bother me. I was never asked if I did my homework I just did it so I wouldn’t be asked and have to deal with that situation. I would cookie cutter situations in class that would draw the least attention to myself.

I feel like i don’t have friends I just fulfill the expectation like a side quest on video games" I wrote this down pre autism confirmation when i just thought I had ocpd. Now I don't directly identify with ocpd, but I definitely think I developed that personality disorder a bit from living with undiagnosed autism. I am linking below the very informative Tik Toks by the lovely Paige on autism in girls. The imposter syndrome one really hit home. I had had so many panic attacks about thinking I tricked people into being my friend, or thinking I was smart.

I highly suggest watching these short tik toks, you'll definitely learn something

https://vm.tiktok.com/wVvcYA/

https://vm.tiktok.com/wqRRUf/

https://vm.tiktok.com/wnqhvX/

https://vm.tiktok.com/wqeyYg/

https://vm.tiktok.com/wnoE7u/

https://vm.tiktok.com/Kas6gB/

https://vm.tiktok.com/owM9hs/

Imposter syndrome

I am also linking an article about Sheldon Cooper from Big Bang Theory and Autism that explains why my psychiatrist was wrong, and also I am a girl and the spectrum is called a spectrum because it's a fucking spectrum no two autistic people are exactly the same it's like a color wheel.

http://www.autismsupportnetwork.com/news/problem-sheldon-cooper-and-cute-autism-387783

Here is a fun comic about the spectrum and how to view it.

https://the-art-of-autism.com/understanding-the-spectrum-a-comic-strip-explanation/

I am still learning about myself, and how to be me, and how to be myself but without breaking bad social rules. It's quite humorous though because I'll learn something is related to autism and I'm like oh shit again, like still, like, we're still discovering things.

"Tu ne me manques pas"

Bis später,

Astoria.

I’m a big fan of 80s/90s anime and Ranma 1/2 played a big role in my childhood. The premise has sooooo much food for thought when it comes to looking at gender and specifically the performance of gender. I’m about to get INTO it, so, here’s your warning-- read more is a ramble. (LONG ramble)

Oh ho ho ho! WELCOME TO MY HELL!

Aight, so let me set the stage for you-->

Two people, who should not be parents, have a kid. The father, Genma, a fairly successful martial artist, takes their just-born son on a training journey without consulting the mother. By training journey, I mean that they travel all over the world with little to no money, either stealing from or scamming people in order to make sure they can eat, under the guise of training the son, Ranma, to become the greatest martial artist of the “Anything Goes” school of martial arts. One of the most frequent scams the father pulls is promising his son’s hand in marriage to various families in exchange for a dowry before running off with both his son and the dowry, never to be seen again. This-- inevitably-- comes back to bite them in the ass. But more on that later.

We don’t get to see a lot of Ranma’s childhood on the training journey, just the occasional incredibly horrific flashback to something that would become a national incident were it to happen in the real world. For example, at one point in time, his father finds a Chinese pamphlet of an ~ancient lost Chinese art~ that is INCREDIBLY POWERFUL!!!!! wow! It’s called Neko-ken. So he decides to teach his six-year-old this technique, although he can’t actually read Chinese so he does it based off the diagrams-- which detail a process of collecting a good number of cats, starving them for a few days straight, and then tossing his son, covered in fish sausages (possibly tied up, can’t remember), into the pit to fend for himself (and not be eaten alive) for hours on end. Surprise, surprise, Ranma comes out incredibly traumatized and with an intense fear of cats (something his father would’ve seen coming if he was able to read Chinese as the pamphlet says that someone would have to be crazy to try to teach someone this technique and that it causes severe psychological damage-- also could’ve been avoided if his father had any common sense or fatherly instincts, but hey that’s just asking too much of Genma). This is not the result his father wanted, so he tries to “fix” it by doing the exact same thing multiple times, just with different cat foods wrapped around his son because... I genuinely don’t know what his thought process was but yeah. So that’s just a tiny snapshot of what his childhood was like as well as how much of a massive idiot his father was. And since Ranma never interacted with his mother, guess who had the greatest influence in his development (yay........). (save him) (also this is based off my memory from watching the anime YEARS ago, so some small details might be wrong but the big, overarching “his dad is a terrible person” thing is still very much true even if some of these smaller details aren’t)

When Ranma is a teenager, his father brings him to a Chinese training ground full of cursed springs. The tour guide repeatedly tries to explain what exactly this place they’re visiting is, but the father and son pair are two hard-headed idiots and get right to sparring. Ranma knocks his father into a spring pretty quick only to be caught off guard when his father reemerges from said spring as a panda and grand slams our protagonist into another one of the cursed springs. Our manly man martial artist protagonist emerges from this spring as a dainty, busty teenage girl. /The horror./ The panic from both Ranma and his father’s deeply shaken fragile masculinities gives the tour guide enough time to reveal that they had fallen into the cursed springs of the drowned panda and the drowned girl (one guess who fell into which one) and that anyone who falls into a cursed spring will take on the form of the life form that drowned in it. They can return to their original bodies by being splashed with hot water but, from now on, every time they’re hit with cold (or even apparently lukewarm) water, they’ll change into these new cursed forms.

Now, I’m sure you all saw this coming from the type of man that Ranma’s father is based on everything I’ve said so far, but Genma is the worst(TM). So Genma is all, “no SON of MINE can be a GIRL! >:((((((” and Ranma, who has been raised for his entire conscious life by this man, and only this man, is also very much not Okay(TM) with this because he’s a man, a manly fighting man who was raised to be the manliest of fighting men who fight. He can’t be a GIRL. 

Except he totally can. Because these two start taking advantage of Ranma’s feminine body pretty much immediately in order to continue running scams so that they can eat and whatnot while traveling. Of course, Genma constantly shames Ranma by saying things like, “I can’t believe my son is such a failure of a martial artist, being a girl! I’m so ashamed!” and whatnot at every opportunity but especially when they are in an argument and Ranma is winning or if he needs Ranma to do something for him. He frequently manipulates his son by using this kind of guilt-tripping language as though it’s Ranma’s fault that his body is like this. Nevermind that they both frequently profit off of Ranma’s female body for scams, Genma still puts Ranma down for having it and Ranma internalizes that because he’s 15 and his father is the only person he’s ever known.

And I’m sure we all hate Genma now, as we should, because fuck Genma. What kind of woman would ever marry Genma? (And we assume a woman is married to Genma because how could a man this bigoted do anything other than marry a woman all traditional and whatnot). If only Ranma wasn’t taken from his mother so young. Maybe he would’ve turned out a better person~ Well, uh, bad news, lads :/  So, by the time we meet Ranma’s mom in the series, we’ve known most of these characters for a chunk of time. It’s already quite well established how terrible of a human being Genma is. Ranma may or may not have started the episode out admitting he doesn’t know much about his mom after being asked about her. A standard set-up. I don’t quite remember all the details of the episode, only the important things-- here’s the important thing: Genma’s wife, Nodoka, made Genma swear something to her before he took their toddler on a training journey all around the world. He had to raise Ranma to become “a Man among Men” (and we’ll talk about how she defines manliness) and, if he failed, then both he and Ranma must commit seppuku. 

Yeah, that's right. 

If her son isn’t enough of a man by her standards then he has to commit ritual suicide.

Her son who now transforms into a girl every time he is touched with at least a ladle’s worth water that isn’t steaming.

(hey have i mentioned save Ranma yet? save him seriously)

Her definition of manliness? All the shit the misandrists of tumblr swear is the inherent evils to all men. She thinks her son needs to be unapologetically forceful in /all/ he does. Especially in his romantic forays :///// (yeah this is going where you think it is)

When she does decide he isn’t manly enough (because Ranma was being sexually harassed by an old man who forcibly put him in a sailor outfit, no im not kidding, happosai, said old man, is a whole other element of the show that like holy shit) and tries to get him to commit seppuku, the solution the cast comes up with is to have Ranma “peek” at (his friend? girlfriend? fiance? frenemy? roommate? it’s weird-- technically they’re the two romantic leads but their chemistry is like -5 because she constantly physically hits him for things that really aren’t his fault and just ://) Akane while she is bathing and that will prove his manliness to his mother so that he doesn’t have to literally die. Will having Ranma be a fucking voyeur prove his manliness to his mother, you ask? Yep. This is Manly(TM) and so Ranma gets to live another day. Yay. Once again, molestation saves the day. (aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa) All of this is played off as a joke, for the record. No character is really acknowledged as being “a bad person” for any of this behavior-- not molester Happosai, not trying-to-kill-her-own-child Nodoka, etc. 

So these are the people who made Ranma. Who shaped this kid with the ability to spontaneously switch between male and female bodies (presuming he has water on hand). Also, obviously, Genma had more influence seeing as Ranma never saw his mother between the ages of two and (I think) 16(?), but. regardless, these are the people who shaped his understanding of gender. For all intents and purposes, our lad should be such a pressure cooker of toxic and fragile masculinity that he just about commits seppuku himself every time he ends up in his female body. 

But he doesn’t. In fact, Ranma is largely comfortable in his female body as long as his father isn’t trying to hold said body against him (wait did that come out wrong?). Ranma has no hesitations taking on his female form for something as little as a discount on ice cream. He makes the statement, “when it comes to eating out, being a girl is the only way to go”-- because he’s able to get an extra scoop for being “cute”

There’s a scene very early on in the series about exactly that which has always stuck with me. It opens with Ranma in his female body at a cafe with Akane and they both order fancy ice cream parfaits. Ranma is extremely excited and exclaims, “I’ve always wanted to try one of these!” 

Akane replies with, “don’t tell me you’ve never had ice cream before.”

And Ranma proceeds to explain that he’s never had ice cream like /this/ because it would be too embarrassing for a guy. When Akane asks if he isn’t embarrassed now, happily shoving huge spoonfuls of ice cream into his mouth, he responds with, “hey, I’m a girl now. It don’t count.” Akanes shoots back with a “REAL girls don’t eat like that” (because our lad is eating with such gusto-- he’s living, he’s thriving, he is demolishing that parfait and there is ice cream all over his face) 

He goes, “I’ll eat it however I want.” And then finishes the whole thing off and proclaims that he wants to order the chocolate one next.

Moments like that were the ones where I loved the show the most. We can see Ranma’s insecurities about his masculinity (thank you /soo/ much for that genma) in that he isn’t willing to perform an ‘unmanly’ action in public in his male body. He can’t be *seen* eating girly ice cream. But when he is admonished for not living up to feminine standards in his female body (eat more daintily), he just goes, ‘i’ll do what i want’. Young me really resonated with that, being born with a female assigned at birth body and growing up in Texas. 

It feels like there’s a trans narrative buried in the steaming hot mess that is this work by Takahashi Rumiko-- and it is abundantly clear that was never her intention so I wouldn’t exactly recommend trying to give her an award or anything. She said that she wanted to write a work with a male main character but was so worried about how many male readers she had, she made the decision to make (as she described) a half-male half-female main character (essentially so she could have her cake and eat it too if you will-- all the self aggrandizing fantasies of a male protagonist her male readers could imagine themselves as along with a copious amount of fan service-- the great majority of which was at Ranma’s unwilling expense in his female body which like ://////// (remember that old man I mentioned before??)--  with the female protagonist body). And, like, I’m not saying Takahashi Rumiko is a terrible person or anything-- I don’t know what her beliefs are, I only know her works which are quite old at this point. Takahashi Rumiko is a big deal in the mangaka world because she was one of the first big shonen mangakas who was openly a woman. Normally, men wrote shounen (which literally translates to boys) manga and women wrote shoujo (which literally translates to girls) manga-- the genres were literally divided along gender lines in terms of their intended audiences but also, to a certain extent, their creators. If a woman wanted to write/draw shounen, usually she had to use a pen name that sounded fairly masculine in order to not impact the perception of her work. Takahashi Rumiko was working in that environment so I would understand why she’d want to be careful but, at the same time, I still kind of hate a lot of the things that she normalizes in her works. Especially assault. Both physical and sexual assault she constantly used as a punchline. Not as much anymore. Her most recent work I’ve read was Rinne and the punchline with that one was that the male lead is super poor, literally penniless, and is constantly starving so hahahahha humor amirite? Pain being funny seems to be her through line now that assault is off the table. At least he isn’t constantly getting whole ass tables thrown at him by his love interest as though that’s supposed to be a cute relationship dynamic (Akaneeeeeeeee). I digress. Takahashi Rumiko’s works played a big fucking role in my childhood from Ranma to Inuyasha to Lum (which I encountered well into my teens and therefore didn’t jive with at all because I’d finally learned sexual assault =/= funny and this was one of her more dated works) and so on and just--  I don’t know if I can watch her older stuff the same way I used to. I’m scared to try, honestly. Because some of the ideas behind her works are so interesting-- like Ranma 1/2-- but then you have to sit through episode after episode of a teenage boy in a girl’s body being sexually assaulted by a remorseless old man only to try to fight back at which point he is physically assaulted but also he still has to grovel to and respect said old man because he’s his father’s master and therefore he has to learn martial arts from him but the old man is constantly wagering Ranma having to pose for him in incredibly skimpy outfits if Ranma wants to learn literally anything and alsso RANMA IS FUCKING FIFTEEN/SIXTEEN JESUS CHRIST IS THERE NO FUNCTIONING ADULT ANYWHERE IN THE VVICINITY SAVE HIM!

I NEED TO DIGRESS

It feels like there’s an unintentional trans narrative buried in this anime. It’s not a fun one (but most trans narratives aren’t either so). This is a boy who knows he’s a boy-- even when his body disagrees. He frequently asserts that “he’s a boy” even when in his female body because he is. He’s a boy. He’ll reference being a girl “in appearance” like with the ice cream parfait scene earlier, but when it comes to identity statements, he’s always a boy. This narrative is about him navigating gender presentation and societal assumptions in order to live however he wants. He’s constantly contending with his own forms of gender dysphoria, whether that be his own gripes about doing anything unmanly (eating ice cream) or the very real threat of his mother fucking killing him if he does anything unmanly (aaaaaaaaaaaa), and he navigates tons of threats by choosing how he presents himself.

There are characters that are in love with the male “version” of Ranma and want to kill the female “version” of Ranma (who, for the record, goes by the name Ranko) and vice versa. The Kuno siblings are a great example. Kodachi is in love with Ranma (and is not above literally fucking using date rape drugs on him to get to him) and wants to fucking kill Ranko whereas Tatewaki Kuno, her brother, is in love with Ranko (the lovely pigtailed girl, he calls her) and has literally sent assassins after Ranma. Ranma essentially has to choose between being sexually assaulted or physically assaulted every time he runs into either of them in terms of what body he is presenting. 

I feel like I should let you know, ye who have actually read this far, that Ranma is able to protect himself pretty well from the assault. Like, our boy ain’t dead. Later on he literally fucking kills a god because he’s really passionate about martial arts so he puts all of himself into it and god damnit does his effort show but, honestly, his ability to protect himself shouldn’t mean that it is okay to assault him. Assault is assault. And just because he can fight back doesn’t mean he always does. Akane, his main love interest, regularly sends him through roofs and across town with the force of her Up + B (aka magically appearing hammer), usually for things that aren’t his fault in any way. Akane actually came to the conclusion that Ranma was a pervert when she (fully dressed) walked in on him (naked because he was in the bath) even though the bathroom was obviously occupied. She constantly gets mad at him for things that are beyond his control and then takes her frustrations out on him by literally beating him up and he never fights back-- which is admirable of him but also made me never want to root for their relationship because that isn’t a red flag, my dude, that’s a red planet. the whole of mars is out here trying to warn everyone that this relationship is the most toxic thing since RoundUp.) 

Usually, when watching a show, you get really invested in the character’s aspirations. You want them to ‘get the girl’, ‘get the promotion’, ‘become the pokemon master’ and whatnot. All I ever wanted for Ranma was for him to fake his own death and run far, far away from everyone who ever knew him as “Ranma”. He’d have to fake his own death, obviously, because otherwise his father and Happosai would track him down because, for his father, Ranma is a walking meal ticket and, for Happosai, Ranma is a teenage girl he can sexually assault at any time. Those two would chase Ranma to the ends of the earth if they thought he was trying to get away from them so--

Ranma. Help him.

There’s so much more to dissect with this show. It’s kind of accidentally a great way to look at gender presentation, especially all the terrible negatives that come with constrained gender roles. I use He/Him pronouns when talking about Ranma because it is abundantly clear that he sees himself as a man and I respect that. Sometimes nonbinary-me is like, but think what a gender-fluid icon our boy would be-- literally switching perceived genders via fluids-- and I think that version of Ranma would be a lot happier than the canon one but, I think the canon Ranma is an important reflection of what a lot of people go through, cisgender, transgender, and beyond, when trying to parse what it means to present a gender and the roles you’re supposed to play. 

Maybe Ranma can go on a journey of self-discovery with his own gender after faking his death and escaping Nermina. 

I was all over the place writing this but this isn’t an essay and I’m not being graded so ha fuck you (excpet no not really fuck you because you either a) read this whole thing or b)scrolled down to the bottom to see if i’d get to the fucking point already-- which for the record, I don’t really-- and either way it means you were a little curious what I had to say so thanks I guess). None of this is exceptionally well-thought-out. I wouldn’t exactly stamp this with any kind of official gender discourse seal. It’s all just food for thought.