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lovejustforaday · 4 years

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My Top 10 Albums of 2019

Rose Gold - Kitty

Main Genres: Electro Pop

A decent sampling of: Chill Hop, Chill Wave, Alternative R&B, Cloud Rap, Future Bass, Synth Pop, Trip Hop, Wonky Kitty's sound keeps changing from EP to LP, but one thing that remains constant is her witty, hyper-feminine cool girl persona. On "Rose Gold", she explores a variety of electronic genres while maintaining a near-perfect chill mood and atmosphere. "Rose Gold" easily avoids falling into the traps of repetitiveness prone to a lot of lo-fi chill music thanks to Kitty's charming personality and clever lyricism on tracks like "B.O.M.B. (Peter)" and "Florida". I feel like this is definitely a late night album, one you might listen to while sneaking around your kitchen to make a late night snack while wearing your cutest pajamas. Alternatively, this is the album your stuffed animals all get up and vibe to while you're sleeping. Oh yeah, and "Counting All The Starfish" samples FF7 which is pretty cool. Highlights: "B.O.M.B. (Peter)", “Don’t Panic (Interlude)”, "Mami", "Counting All The Starfish", “Disconnect”

8/10

House of Sugar - Sandy (Alex G)

Main Genres: Indie Folk, Neo-Psychedelia

A decent sampling of: Folktronica, Psychedelic Folk, Indie Pop, Americana I admit, I was completely unfamiliar with Alex G's material until this album came along and garnered a lot of attention. I'm very excited to explore his back catalogue now thanks to this album. Fitting to its name, "House of Sugar" is somewhat like a psychedelic sugar rush, feeling at once strange and whimsical yet also sickly sweet and delirious. Under the album's upbeat folky veneer lies darker themes about loss both personal and conceptual. "Gretel" and the album title itself are both inspired by the fairytale of Hansel and Gretel, which makes a lot of sense because I really just want to get lost in the woods while listening to this album. "Project 2" is a noticeable outlier and the weakest track, forgoing conventional song structure completely for experimental synth music yielding mixed results, but even this short track manages to be oddly beautiful and adds to the overall experience. Likewise, "House of Sugar" is an exceptionally interesting musical journey even at its weakest. Highlights: "Gretel", "Sugar", "Hope", "Walk Away", "Taking"

8/10

Titanic Rising - Weyes Blood

Main Genres: Art Pop, Baroque Pop

A decent sampling of: Progressive Pop, Psychedelic Pop, Soft Rock, Progressive Electronic, Alternative Country Most acclaimed album of 2019? Quite possibly. While it's not my top choice of the year, I can definitely understand the widespread praise this album has received. At its best, Weyes Blood's "Titanic Rising" is a truly lush and cinematic experience, incorporating musical influences from the best of 60s and 70s era pop music with a moving lyrical narrative of coming to terms with depression and getting older. Mering's voice is warm and tender, and her insights about generational woes on tracks like "Everyday" and "Something to Believe" are mature and nuanced. If you're new to being an adult like I am, and you find the prospects of trying to build a fulfilling and meaningful life in the kind of world we live in scary, then listening to "Titanic Rising" will feel like a very bittersweet soundtrack written for a movie based on your own real life. Considerably front-loaded, but the concept for this album is very fresh and ambitious, and when it's good, it's brilliant. P.S. definitely the best album cover of 2019 Highlights: "Everyday", "Movies", "Andromeda", "Titanic Rising", "A Lot's Gonna Change"

8/10

Grey Area - Little Simz

Main Genres: Conscious Rap, UK Rap

A decent sampling of: Jazz Rap, Hardcore Rap

Little Simz sounds like she knows exactly who she is and what she's doing on "Grey Area", like she has her flow and writing lyrics down to a science. The album really feels like seeing the world through her eyes, and Simz holds nothing back, talking about everything from institutional racism and violence, to things like therapy, motherhood, and even video games. "Grey Area" succeeds as well as it does largely thanks to the strengths of Simz's offbeat personality, lyrical insights, and excellent delivery, while the production on the album is mostly smooth and slick in a way that never overpowers her as the main focus. I'll admit, I find at some points that the production on some of the songs falls considerably short of the standards set by Simz's own talent as a rapper, but when the production does reach that level on tracks like "101 FM" and "Venom", the pay off is brilliant. "101 FM" in particular is such an interesting and unique hip hop song, in the same way that Simz is a very interesting and unique rapper. Honestly this album is worth the listen alone just to hear what Little Simz has to say about everything.

Highlights: "101 FM", "Selfish", "Offence", "Venom"

8/10

Pang - Caroline Polachek

Main Genres: Art Pop, Alternative R&B

A decent sampling of: Electro Pop, Glitch Pop, Ambient Pop, New Age, Downtempo Of all the albums I've listened to this year, "Pang" feels like the most varied journey with an impressive collection of 14 songs in under 50 minutes. On this LP, Caroline Polachek takes the listener through her world of romantic fairytales and magic. Some of the songs are poppy bangers like the funky "So Hot You're Hurting My Feelings" and the rhythmic "Ocean of Tears", while other songs are more mood-driven and meditative like "Parachute" and "Insomnia". Many of the songs place emphasis on the vocal gymnastics of Polachek herself, who makes great use of her range and techniques like heavy breaths on "So Hot You're Hurting My Feelings". The production work of Polachek and Danny L. Harle is sophisticated and intricate, with a lot of attention to detail on tracks like "Door" and "Pang". A lot of the songs are mysterious and cerebral, especially the penultimate "Door" which has an equally cerebral and trippy music video. Overall, I'd say that "Pang" definitely opens and closes with its strongest few tracks, but there’s enough variety and intricacies throughout its entirety to make the album experience highly engaging on repeated listens as you explore the different musical worlds that each song has to offer.

Highlights: "Door", " So Hot You're Hurting My Feelings ", “Parachute”, "Pang", "Go As a Dream", "Ocean of Tears", “Hit Me Where It Hurts”, "The Gate"

9/10

Norman Fucking Rockwell! - Lana Del Rey

Main Genres: Art Pop, Soft Rock

A decent sampling of: Dream Pop, Chamber Pop, Contemporary Folk, Psychedelic Pop, Piano Rock, Blues Rock, Americana, Pop Soul So yeah, this album happened. Lana Del Rey has always been an artist I appreciated for her unique sound and persona, but I found that her 2012 LP "Born To Die" mostly didn't quite live up to her potential as an artist, and I never really bothered with the rest of her work apart from individual songs until now. I'm so glad I checked this one out because "Norman Fucking Rockwell!" rightfully deserves the wave of acclaim it has received this year. Lana Del Rey's songwriting has become so sophisticated on this LP, and the warm, rich soft rock sound that she's adopted on tracks like "The greatest" compliments her vocals better than any other genre she's explored so far. Like most of her work, "Norman Fucking Rockwell!" explores American identity and femininity, and the songs are tinged with sadness and nostalgia. That being said, I actually find parts of this album very uplifting, especially on "Love Song" and "Mariners Apartment Complex". "Venice Bitch" is, simply put, a true masterpiece. It's the reason I checked out the album when I heard the single last year, and it damn near blows everything else out of the water with its gorgeous soundscapes and 9 minute length that could go on for an eternity if it wanted to. Regardless, there's a lot of songs here that I love, even if the LP is a little front-loaded. Lana has outdone herself this time with "Norman Fucking Rockwell!", and I already look forward to the projects she's announced for 2020. In the meantime, I should check out the LPs that I missed in her discography. Highlights: "Venice Bitch", "The greatest", "Mariners Apartment Complex", "How to disappear", "Cinnamon Girl", "Love song", "Norman fucking Rockwell"

9/10

Keepsake - Hatchie

Main Genres: Dream Pop, Indie Pop

A decent sampling of: Shoegaze, Synth Pop, Twee Pop, Jangle Pop

This album pretty clearly derives a lot of its sound from a particular era of early 90s dream pop, shoegaze, and jangle pop. So what makes "Keepsake" so special? For one, Hatchie knows her sound niche and does it incredibly well. Songs like "Stay With Me" and "Kiss The Stars" feel like lost gems from an era when they could've been heard on college radios in between the Cocteau Twins, MBV, and the Cranberries. While her sonic timbre is pure retro, Hatchie's own take on classic dream pop from a songwriting perspective is fresh and unique. Her lyrics and melodies are pure and saccharine in a way that reminds me of feel-good teen romcoms about sappy high school romances, only I mean that in the best way possible. Songs like "Without A Blush" and "Secret" feel like what I thought falling in love was gonna be like when I was 11 years old. "Stay With Me" is a rush of euphoria, and the song feels like prom again whenever I listen to it. Her pop songwriting sensibilities are well-crafted in a way that makes it look like she's been doing this for years and years, when really Hatchie only started putting out her own music in 2017. The sequencing of the tracks is well thought out, and I find "Keepsake" is at its strongest in the middle portion. There's just a certain essence of carefree youth and sentimentality that Hatchie has captured so vividly with this album. If you're looking to recapture the feeling of your best memories as a teenager, "Keepsake" will take you there. Strongest debut LP of the year, and I super look forward to whatever she does next. Highlights: "Stay With Me", "Secret", "Her Own Heart" "Kiss The Stars", "Without A Blush", "Unwanted Guest"

9/10

Djinn - Lingua Nada

Main Genres: Indie Rock, Psychedelic Rock, Noise Rock

A decent sampling of: Noise Pop, Progressive Rock, Math Rock, Neo-Psychedelia, Indietronica, Experimental Rock

Lingua Nada is that one really cool indie band that only I and a few others seem to know about. The band has a very distinct and creative sound which combines explosive noise with jerky, whacky rhythms and upbeat melodies. Last year's "Snuff" was a very raw and experimental album experience, and another year-end favourite of mine. This year's "Djinn" boasts slightly more conventional song structures, but the sonic timbres and rhythms are just as strange and beautiful, if not more. As its name would suggest, "Djinn" is partly inspired by Arabian folklore and evokes a sort of mysterious, ghostly presence on songs like the title track and "Salam Cyber". The mix of noise, acid-y psychedelics, and complex rhythms on "Habiba" and "Dweeb Weed" results in alien, otherworldly sounds. "These Hands Are Royal" is a very evocative track as well, with its propulsive beat and dusty guitar riffs giving me the distinct imagery of travelling a desert by foot. Lingua Nada never overwhelms the listener with their explosive songs on "Djinn", and the band takes time to mellow out a bit towards the end of the album with the bubbly, psychedelic indietronica bop "Yalla Yalla" and the minimalist folk tune "In Limbo". Lead vocalist Adam Lenox is buried pretty deep in the mix of guitars, and I wouldn't exactly say he has the strongest presence as a vocalist, but I can't say that this takes away much of the appeal because "Djinn" is clearly meant to be a more impressionistic experience. Lingua Nada have come out of the past two years with a strong 1-2 punch of innovative noise rock albums, and with "Djinn" they've proven themselves to be one of the most daring and multi-talented rock bands of the decade.

Highlights: "Habiba", "These Hands Are Royal", "Djinn", "Salam Cyber", "Yalla Yalla", "Proto", "Gucci Mecca"

9/10

Ginger - Brockhampton

Main Genres: Pop Rap, Contemporary R&B, West Coast Rap

A decent sampling of: Alternative R&B, Emo Rap, Conscious Rap, Indie Pop

This album feels like it's all about growth. Brockhampton have undergone a lot of changes as a band since they first blew up in 2017 between sudden fame, signing a major label, and kicking Ameer for his toxic behaviour. Last year's "Iridescence" felt like a raw, anguished, and messy response to the sudden changes the band had to cope with. Now it's 2019 and we have "Ginger", a more lowkey and sometimes deeply sad album, where members of Brockhampton are still processing many of the same problems. This time, however, the album is far more consistent, more nuanced, and overall, masterfully crafted. There's a lot of talk of male identity and what it means to be a man on "Ginger", and some of the traits brought up are moral integrity, honesty, and vulnerability, all which are part of emotional maturity and subvert machismo gender expectations. True to its album cover, "Ginger" is like a big hug for young guys struggling with depression, but anybody can get something out of this brilliant piece of art. The highlights are many: Joba's verse on "BIG BOY", Kevin's verse on "BOY BYE", and Matt's verse on "NO HALO" just to name a few. But the defining moment of "Ginger" is Dom's takedown of Ameer at the end of "DEARLY DEPARTED", a brilliant 66 seconds of anger, remorse, pain, and condemnation. Guest rapper Victor Roberts rapping about his traumatic childhood experience with the police on album closer "VICTOR ROBERTS" is also a key highlight, and serves as a fitting note to end an album that so forwardly tackles depression and coping with traumatic life changes. The production is fantastic, from the effortlessly cool R&B jam "SUGAR" to weirder tracks like the off-kilter "IF YOU PRAY RIGHT" which is built around a cartoonish trombone riff. I simply can't praise this album enough. Brockhampton have matured as artists, and "Ginger" will go on to prove their legacy as one of the best rap groups of the 2010s. Highlights: "DEARLY DEPARTED", "NO HALO", "SUGAR", "GINGER", "BOY BYE", "VICTOR ROBERTS", "IF YOU PRAY RIGHT", "BIG BOY", “ST. PERCY”

10/10

Magdalene - FKA Twigs

Main Genres: Art Pop, Glitch Pop

A decent sampling of: Progressive Pop, Ambient Pop, Alternative R&B, Post-Industrial

It's hard to describe what makes this album so brilliant because it's so subtle. "MAGDALENE" slowly unravels to reveal its beauty, in the same way that a flower slowly blooms, petal by petal. Likewise, FKA Twigs slowly strips away all of her defenses, track by track, to reveal the heart of a wounded lover. "MAGDALENE" is all about the breakup of Twigs' highly publicized relationship with Robert Pattinson. The lyrics explore her lover's emotional distance on "home with you", her feelings of inadequacy after being thrust into the broader public eye on "cellophane", her lover's lies on "fallen alien", and the physical pain she endured undergoing fibroid surgery that rendered her feeling weak on "daybed". Like the rest of her work, many of the songs on "MAGDALENE" juxtapose the unnerving with the beautiful, with tracks like "mirrored heart" and "fallen alien" alternating between ethereal vocals backed by piano and glitchy, spine-tingling production that evokes earthquakes and mirrors shattering into hundreds of pieces. There's also a lot of empty space on this album, and a general appreciation for minimalism. Tracks like "mary magdalene" and "cellophane" are made stronger by allowing enough room for Twigs' vocals to carry the music, and boy does she ever. Twigs breathes, moans, cries, screams, whispers, and commands with her voice to utter perfection throughout. The vocal highlights are all over "MAGDALENE", but my absolute favourites include the last line of "home with you", the dark incantations of the verses on "fallen alien", and the withering refrain after the beat-drop on "cellophane". "cellophane" is the centerpiece of "MAGDALENE" and the perfect closer, like listening to the music of a dying flower as it slowly wilts away. Overall, "MAGDALENE" is a stunning piece of art. Twigs has reclaimed her pain on this album by turning one of the lowest points in her life into the most beautiful album of the year. Highlights: "cellophane", "home with you", "fallen alien", "mary magdalene", "daybed", "sad day", "mirrored heart", "thousand eyes"

10/10

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plumblossomkun · 5 years

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𝙲𝚑𝚊𝚙𝚝𝚎𝚛 2.5: 「𝚈𝚘𝚞 𝚜𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚎, 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚜𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚎 / 𝙸'𝚖 𝚊𝚍𝚍𝚒𝚌𝚝𝚎𝚍 𝚝𝚘 𝚢𝚘𝚞, 𝚝𝚘𝚡𝚒𝚌 / 𝙸'𝚖 𝚊𝚍𝚍𝚒𝚌𝚝𝚎𝚍 𝚝𝚘 𝚢𝚘𝚞, 𝚝𝚘𝚡𝚒𝚌」

word count: 3.7k

setting: student!Taeyong x writing assistant!Female Reader, University!AU

chapter summary: in which we learn what Taeyong did to y/n, and why, after all these years, there has only been silence.

a/n: i mentioned i wanted to do this story justice, and it needs to be a human sort of story for that. these are real things, parts of me, as all my y/n’s are. of course, we all put bits of ourselves into our writing. this fragment just happens to be a darker bit. with that being said, please read the warnings.

warning[s]: mentions of prior self-harm. descriptions of anxiety and feelings of despair. angst.

reminder: i will italicize flashbacks in their entirety & indicate any changes in scene or point of view in bold. and if you’re wondering where the chapter titles are from, they’re lyrics from the songs on the playlist below.

tags: @starxblossom, @nsheeteesmain, @cutehardcore, @bunny-doyounq ♥ send me an ask if you would like to be added!

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The next day, 8:45am—

— Learning Commons and Library

“Why did I let you rope me into a 9:15 class?” Jaehyun whines, rubbing the sleep from his eyes as he waits by the library’s café for his cup of morning coffee. “No one gets up this early for a Life Writing class.”

You munch on your croissant and take a second to swallow before answering. “Yeah, well, you’re getting an extra two units for being a Peer Educator with me this time, and you’re not actually in the class, so you don’t have to do the work again. Plus, it looks good on a transcript.”

“You’d look good on a transcript,” is his feeble attempt at a retort, and you nearly choke on your croissant, snickering. He’s never been much of a morning person, and neither are you, but you don’t need coffee to cope with your lack of sleep; the dawn’s chill is usually enough.

He follows blearily after you as you hold the door open for him. “Come on, Jae. We’re gonna be late.”

9:00 am—

— St. Joseph’s Hall

Hesitantly, you knock on the frame of the slightly ajar door of Professor Juan Madrid and listen closely to the sounds just beyond the wood. Wind chimes and raindrops tinkle, a chair creaks, and then the door swings open.

“Y/n!” the professor exclaims, putting down his wooden tumbler on the metal cabinet next to him, spreading his arms wide for a hug, face wrinkling as he smiles.

“Hi, Juan!” you laugh, embracing the slighter man. He, like his office, smells like spring, like vanilla and lavender and a hint of green tea, and his left eye (you’ve never asked whether it’s a fake eye or just a lazy one) doesn’t focus on you when you sit in the armchair opposite his, tossing your backpack on the ground and sinking into the cushions.

“Where’s Jae?” he asks, swiveling the office chair around so he can face you properly. On his computer monitor, a video titled “Relaxing Nature Sounds for Meditation” plays, filling every corner of the lamp-lit room with the sounds of a forest glade, twittering birds, bubbling creeks, and the murmurs of an afternoon breeze.

You remember the first time you had set foot in his office, and you’d been sure you’d stepped into a therapy session by accident instead of office hours, because of how calming the vibe of the room was— and still is.

“Bathroom.” You lean back in your seat and let out a long breath, so that you can take a deeper one in, gathering the freshness of the forest’s song into your lungs. “How have you been?”

“Good, good.” He stares at you, brows raised as you blow out even more air with your hands pressed to your cheeks. “Did something happen over the summer?”

“Mm… kind of?” Eyes glued to a spot somewhere between the door and the wall behind him, your head whirls as you consider which parts of the story you think your lungs can handle sharing. “This summer felt longer than the last one.”

The sounds of skateboard wheels grinding against pavement and loud chatter waft up through the window as students make their way towards their 9:15 classes, and he goes over to shut it, then sits back down and gestures for you to finish your thought.

“Kenneth broke up with me.” There’s a lump in your throat that hadn’t been there when you’d told Jaehyun and Xuxi about it, because Juan is one of the few people who has read all your poetry and prose and seen the dried tear stains on the papers you’ve submitted to him over the past two years, all the crumpled corners and the red ink and no censors. “He said… he didn’t want to drag me along with him in the future. He stopped saying ‘I love you’ to me, and I knew.”

He takes a sip of tea from his tumbler, then sets it aside to lean forward and look you right in the eye. “Are you okay?”

“Even though I saw it coming, it still really sucked.” You close your eyes to shield yourself from the memories burning your throat, so that your next breath comes slow and steady instead of shaky. “I cried for three days. I cried for so long and so hard that I begged myself to stop crying because I was so tired of it.”

Juan nods, but doesn’t interject as you pause to take in another breath.

“I think I’m tired of relationships,” you sigh, looking down at your fists and unfurling them slowly to bring the blood back into your fingertips. At some point as you’d started talking, your nails had sunk into your palms, leaving pale crescent moon marks throbbing in the skin. “I just need a break to focus on me.”

“I agree,” he says, shooting you two thumbs up. “Boys are not worth it. You have a lot on your mind. Don’t forget—”

“—to witness instead of relive the memories,” you finish. The heaviness in your throat relents, just a little, but enough so you can chuckle. “I know, I know.”

He beams. “Exactly.”

A soft knock, and then Jaehyun peeks through the door. “Hey, professor.”

“Ah, Jae!” Juan stands to greet him, and they embrace briefly. He points him to the second open chair beside you. “How was your summer? We were just talking about Y/N’s.”

“Good, good.” He flops into the seat, but not before slipping his hand into yours and looking you in the eye apologetically. “Sorry, I heard a little bit of what you were saying when I was coming back from the bathroom. Kenneth really did that?”

“Yeah, it’s okay. I’m good. I got this.” This time, when the words come out of your mouth, they don’t feel like you’re lying to yourself. They don’t feel like poison.

“I know, angel. You’re tough as hell.” He squeezes your hand tight, then disconnects his fingers from yours and turns back to Juan with a twinkle in his eye. “So, how was going back to Spain?”

“It was nice. Good weather. A little family drama, but it was okay.” He smiles at the thought of his homeland.

“And what about Rosa?” Jaehyun prods, grinning.

“Yeah, spill the tea!” you gasp. “How’s that going for you?”

“Well, you know… she has a really comfortable job there. She makes a lot of money. Her house is basically a mansion.”

You clap your hands together in excitement. “Ooh, Juan… are you gonna go live with her?”

Juan smiles, shaking his head. His one good eye looks up to the ceiling, cheeks turning pink. “I’m considering it.”

“Juan has a sugar mama,” Jaehyun coughs under his breath, and the two of you snicker.

“You don’t need to worry about us, we’re graduating next year. And you won’t have any more Peer Eds to help you with Life Writing.” You press your hands to your cheeks again, but this time it’s because of the smile splitting your face. “Do it!”

“Thank you for the support, you two.” He pauses, casting a puzzled glance in Jaehyun’s direction. “Wait, did you just say ‘sugar mama’?”

“Uh-huh,” Jaehyun says, wiping tears from his eyes, chest heaving as he chortles. “Yes, I did.”

Juan throws his head back and laughs.

9:19am— —Kenna Hall

a/n: This is where the timelines of Mugunghwa and In Real Life align! You don’t *need* to read all of IRL in order to understand the plot of Mugunghwa, but you should read part five for context, linked here. I would have written it out on my end, but it would just be tedious, and Rae’s works are lovely and I recommend them! ♥

11:24am—

“I don’t like the feel of the classroom, but we’ll see if the students’ energy will make up for it,” Juan sighs, tucking his folders under his arm as the three of you exit the classroom and make your way back towards St. Joseph’s. “I’ll see you two Thursday; I’ll let you know if they approve a classroom change to O’Connor.”

“Bye, Juan,” you and Jaehyun say together, waving goodbye as the professor heads up the stairs to his office.

As soon as he is out of earshot, Jaehyun lets out a whiny groan and leans his forehead on your shoulder, putting all his weight on it. “I don’t think I can handle Life Writing as a 9:15 class, y/n.”

You pat the top of his head. “You just need to eat breakfast instead of eating one meal a day. What would your followers do, if they found out?”

“Don’t expose me! The mom followers will flood my comment section.”

“Then eat breakfast and I won’t have to. Plus, you’ll have the energy to come to class with me without coffee!” You link your right arm in his left. “Wow! Amazing! Healthy eating habits!”

He snorts, and reaches over to pinch your nose. “I don’t appreciate that sarcastic tone of yours, y/n.”

You lay your head across his shoulder, humming as he leads you behind St. Joseph’s, away from the hustle of students heading towards their next class. “Love you too, Jae.”

It’s not golden hour yet, not even close, but the section of campus just off the main path is magnificent in the sunlight hiding just behind the fading gray gloom of the morning. You reach into the leaves to touch the ruffled petals of a peach-orange rose swaying in the wake of a ripple of wind, rubbing your thumb across its almost-translucent surface, mouth parting in awe at its softness.

Discreetly, Jaehyun lifts his phone to snap a picture of you, and you catch the sudden movement at the last second and duck your head behind your hands with a shriek.

He sighs. “Are you ever gonna let me post a picture with your face in it?”

“You have 8,000 people following you, Jae. You can tag me, but my profile is on private for a reason.” You peek from behind your fingers to check if he’s still trying to take the picture, and sigh in relief when you see his phone tucked back into his jeans pocket. “If they want to see my face, they can ask to follow me, but I don’t want any of those 8,000 people coming and commenting on my photos. I’m not nearly as attractive as you.”

He runs a hand through his hair, pursing his lips. “They’re not crazy like that.”

You wince as you accidentally drag your finger over a thorn that hasn’t been clipped off. “You never know, Jae. Especially when it comes to people online.”

He grabs your wrist before you can walk down the path without him, and chucks you under the chin gently. “You’re beautiful. Don’t you dare think otherwise.”

You roll your eyes, but sink into his side when he opens his arms for a hug. “If you say so, frat boy,” you mumble, clinging to his warmth.

“What do you have against frat boys?” The two of you start down the smoothed stone, footsteps echoing even without walls. Tiny pinpoints of light shine through the wooden slats above, tendrils of the wisteria trees’ branches and their lilac-colored flowers creating a makeshift canopy.

“...Kenneth was part of a fraternity.” You rub your temples, your eyes losing focus as memories push at the back of your mind, demanding to be put on replay. You inhale— no— and exhale— don’t think about that— through your nose, placing a hand over your mouth as if it’ll help you keep them back.

“Hey, hey.” Jaehyun’s hand on your waist tightens, and he pulls you closer to him, onto the grass just off the side of the stone, tipping your head into his chest. “I know you’re tired of crying, and that asshole definitely doesn’t deserve your tears, angel, but it’s alright if you do. Count to twenty, and we’ll go from there, okay?”

You bite your lip and whisper, “When his friends came over, he always wanted to drink with them. He’d forget he was in a call with me.”

One. Two. Three.

Jaehyun doesn’t say anything, only wraps his arms more securely around you, placing his head atop yours with a sigh.

Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine.

You focus on the sensation of his chest rising and falling against your forehead, the soft thump-thump of his heart, the tension of his jaw, instead of the way your breath starts to stutter and halt. “He’d spend hours at the gym and with his friends and he always came back to me at night but it felt like I had to make appointments to spend time with him.”

Ten. Eleven. Twelve. Thirteen. Fourteen. Fifteen. Sixteen.

“He let me say ‘I love you’ to him for two weeks without reciprocating or even trying to talk to me about the problem. I wish he’d talked to me.”

Seventeen. Eighteen. Nineteen. Twenty.

You see rather than feel the first tear fall from your face and splatter on the floor. And then another, and then a dozen more, and you can’t stop shivering like you’re in the midst of winter even with Jaehyun holding you tight. “My father came into the room, and he asked me what was wrong, and I couldn’t tell him. I couldn’t tell him, because he couldn’t understand. I know he cares, I know, but he can’t understand.”

Another shuddering breath has you clutching at the fabric of his jacket. The tears slow, but don’t stop, and you swallow a sob before it can escape you. “Can we… sit down?”

“Of course, angel,” he murmurs, wiping the moisture from your cheeks with his sleeve. He sits with you on the bench furthest from the path.

“I don’t think I can cry any more,” you admit, examining your fingers as they tremble uncontrollably.

“Is that a good thing?”

“I don’t think so.” The wysterias stir as a squirrel scrambles across their wood, a crow tailing it playfully, and you take a deep breath, gathering the sweet scent of their flowers to fortify yourself. “I need to feel the emotions properly. I can’t just push them down and forget about them.”

A fallen rose petal grazes your skin, and you raise your left arm to brush it off. Halfway through the motion, Jaehyun touches the inside of your wrist, gentle beyond measure, running his fingertips over the raised white skin of the scars. He’s seen them before, you know he has, but you’ve never told him anything about them, and he’s never asked.

“Do you want to know?”

“Only if you want to tell me. I’m here to support you, y/n, no matter what. Whatever you need, you tell me. If you want me to shut up and listen, I can do that.”

“Have I told you I appreciate you?” you sigh.

“Not nearly as often as you should.”

“I take it back.”

“No, no! You tell me often enough.”

You laugh hollowly, but your eyes return to the scars on your wrist, and then they are all you can see. Dozens and dozens of thin lines, some glimmering smooth, some thin, some wider, others jagged and uneven— but all of them a reminder.

Not even the sweet wysteria can help you with the winter frost that blossoms inside your chest. You hold Jaehyun’s hand with a grip so tight your knuckles turn white. The rising sun frees itself of the morning’s pallor, and you close your eyes as its carnelian radiance washes over you.

It gives you just enough strength to speak.

Witness, instead of relive.

“The last time was just a little over four years ago.”

4 years ago, only hours after that kiss—

You jiggle the doorknob of the door to the pint-sized apartment that Taeyong shares with Ten and Johnny, but to no avail. They’ve left the door ajar before, and sometimes they just forget to lock it, but this is, unfortunately, not one of those times. Fists clenched, you bang on the door, praying that one of them is awake. A horrible, jagged feeling, something like lightning, fizzles down your spine, striking the breath from your lungs with each passing second.

Someone groans hoarsely, and then the dark wood swings back to reveal Johnny looking down at you in sleepy confusion. He opens the door wider when he sees that it’s you, pushing his hair back over his forehead and rubbing his eyes. “What the— y/n? It’s so early…”

You look past him. The apartment is dark and silent, but you can make out the faint smell of instant ramen and the silhouette of piles of laundry on the ratty gray couch. If Taeyong was there, the couch would be clear and clean, a pot of soup made from scratch bubbling gently on the stove, the lavender candle on the countertop lit and filling the room with its gentle aroma. But it’s not. And when you meet Johnny’s eyes, his expression, even with the shadows on his side, betrays him. You take one look at the deep crease between his brows and the way his eyes don’t meet yours and recoil.

Then your gaze falls to the floor, to the shoe rack, which is missing Taeyong’s colorful collection of sneakers and boots. “Where is he?” you whisper.

“Weren’t you just with him?”

You try to push past him, but he stands like a stone pillar in the doorway. “That was hours ago, Johnny,” you say, planting both hands on his chest in a last ditch attempt to shove him out of your way so you can search the apartment for Taeyong, find him and call him an idiot for scaring the shit out of you. “I— let me in, Johnny, please.”

When he hears your voice crack on that last word, he finally relents, and you stagger into the apartment, feeling your way to the couch to sit. You don’t trust your own legs to work.

He sits beside you, the sound of his breathing unbearably loud in the dark. “What happened?” he asks, though the grim line of his mouth and the softness of his voice hint that he already knows the answer to his own question.

Your breath catches in your throat, and you have to grab onto him to steady yourself, rendered faint by the very thought of it.

“He said—” You choke on your own breath, and have to take a second to cough and gasp. Your nails sink into the skin of Johnny’s arm, but he doesn’t complain, not even when you collapse against him, repeating the words like a mantra, thinking that maybe if you keep saying them it won’t feel like ice is filling veins or that you’re hemorrhaging from the valves of your heart. Maybe it’ll stop the ringing in your ears and the shaking of your hands. “He left me. He left—”

The left hallway light flicks on, and Ten shuffles out of his bedroom, yawning. When he makes out your silhouette, crumbling against Johnny’s, he inhales sharply. “Y/n? What’s wrong?”

Johnny answers for you, which is for the best, because wetness is pooling in your eyes, and you think that if you open your mouth again, there will be rain that you cannot stop. “Taeyong. I think he just told her about him… leaving.”

Ten rubs his temples and swears in several languages, the noises jumbling together. “I told him not to wait. God, that idiot…”

And that’s all it takes, for the storm to break upon you. You squeeze your eyes shut as a deep numbness fills you from the bridge of your nose to the tips of your fingers so that the heat of the tears slipping down your nose feels like liquid fire. The rest of you feels like ice, like hail and sleet have fragmented inside of you, shards ripping apart your throat and shredding your lungs. The sobs that follow leave you gasping for air.

Ten’s slender body curls against yours, his arms closing snugly around your waist, his lethargic pulse a staggering contrast to the thunder of yours. He doesn’t bother saying anything to comfort you, and neither does Johnny. They hold you there, in silence, until you’ve cried yourself to exhaustion.

On the floor by the door, your phone lays forgotten, Taeyong’s last texts to you glowing dimly on the screen.

[4:00] Taeyong: Before you read the rest of this, I want to apologize first. I wouldn’t be able to get the words out if I said them face to face. I’m sorry. I’m a coward.

[4:05] Taeyong: Earlier, when we were on the beach, looking up at the stars, you asked me what I was worrying me. I was thinking that even after all this time… I’m still as lost as I was the day you met me. Still searching for something. Still wandering.

[4:06] Taeyong: So I made a last minute decision to go back to Korea with my family. I can’t explain it, but something is calling me there.

[4:09] Taeyong: I would’ve said goodbye, but I don’t think either of us could have handled it. Me especially. I wouldn’t have been able to go. Not if I heard your voice, telling me not to. Not after… all that.

[4:06] Taeyong: I wish I could at least tell you when I’m coming back but, truthfully, I can’t come back until I’ve found my way.

[4:11] Taeyong: My flight is boarding right now. Knowing you, you’ll have gone to the apartment to see if I’m really gone. You’d probably beat the shit out of me for scaring you if I was still there. But I’m not there. I almost wish I was.

[4:13] Taeyong: I promise, I’ll come back when I’m ready to face you. That’s something I can say for sure.

[4:13] Taeyong: You’ll always be my northern star.

[4:15] Taeyong: I’m sorry. Please don’t hate me.

a/n 2.0: yeah, yikes, taeyong really did that.... especially after a chapter like this, feedback is desirable. the story with Kenneth... that was my ex [name changed, ofc]. and the scars, they are mine. it really has been four years for me. but i have the support i didn’t have back then when i was younger, and i am growing still. the stars still give me hopes and dreams. i hope you look at them and dream too. and like i’ve said before-- if you ever need someone to talk to, i am here. love y’all. ♥

#nct #nct fics #taeyong fics #taeyong smut #taeyong #lee taeyong #nct smut #nct imagines #taeyong imagines #taeyong x reader #taeyong x female reader #nct fanfics #taeyong fanfics #smut #angst #fluff #may have triggering content #stay gold my darlings

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hitchfender · 5 years

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@wishforwishes and i were discussing this ages ago, and i’ve finally worked up the courage to do my official ranking of 1989 (deluxe). without further ado:

1. out of the woods 2. style 3. you are in love 4. welcome to new york 5. shake it off 6. blank space 7. wonderland 8. wildest dreams 9. this love 10. how you get the girl 11. i wish you would 12. i know places 13. all you had to do was stay 14. new romantics 15. clean 16. bad blood

to complete this list, i listened to the album in order and wrote a paragraph with my impressions of each track; then i went back and ranked them. i worked very hard on it, and it turned out very long, so it’s all under a read more! please send opinions and reactions ❤️ love u

welcome to new york - honestly, this song is just so fun. the beat drops smooth and satisfying, and when she yells “new york!” just before the bridge it feels like a shout of freedom. the track is lyrically thin, but that doesn’t mean the lyrics are bad, and i think taylor communicated everything she wanted to with them; this first song invites us into the album, and sets us up for a pop-flavoured story of “real love that drives you crazy.”

blank space - this is taylor at her most sardonic and self-aware, tongue firmly planted in her cheek as she sings about bad boys and loving the game. some of her imagery falls flat, and that repetitive drumbeat grates after a few verses, but man, that tongue click was a stroke of genius: bringing the listeners into her world with insolence and irony.

style - this guitar knocks me off my feet every time. here’s where she makes her 80s influences most keenly felt, and where she brings that imagery she’s so famous for to the foreground. she paints her experience with a combination of broad strokes and achingly specific detail, and when it’s over you feel drained and renewed, like at the end of a long drive through beautiful, dangerous terrain.

out of the woods - i don’t know what to say about this one that i haven’t already said, so here it is again. reading the lyrics this song feels almost manic, the chorus losing its meaning and becoming a frenetic howl, the stories she’s telling disassociated and too-sharp, like shards of memories. once you get to the bridge, it starts to sound that way, too - she switches from the more complicitous “we” to an accusatory “you,” and she starts making demands - yet even in this moment of fear and anger there’s tenderness: a sunrise and shared tears. when she seizes her agency with that “oh, i remember” i feel some primal emotion lodge itself like a bullet in my chest.

all you had to do was stay - although i like the way she transitions from vindictive to tender and back again (“you were all i wanted / but not like this / not like this”), the lyrics feel a bit repetitive and the upbeat mood detracts from the meaning she’s trying to express.

shake it off - RIGHTS for these trumpets. and the giggle. some of the vocabulary feels a little forced (hella good hair?), and the production is oddly gapped - there are breaks in the ambient sound that force you to focus on her singing, but this isn’t her best vocal work... but, like, i think i’m concentrating on the wrong thing here. this is a song about letting go of the hate, literally intended for you to lose your mind to in your room at 3 am. i can’t fault the concept.

i wish you would - this start sounds a lot like the opening of style, actually, and these spaced-out electronic drums are straight off ootw. fascinating. moving on: this sounds like a diary entry, which is extremely taylor, but it makes the song come off a bit disconnected. love that line about “a crooked love in a straight line down,” but by the end i’m left with no distinct emotional impression. also literally forgot about it when i was trying to rank the songs.

bad blood - (i know it’s not on the album but i can’t not critique the kendrick verses. “pov of you and me, similar iraq”: L. i like the nod to backstreet freestyle tho.) anyway i feel like i would be more fuck-feminism about this whole thing if it slapped harder, but as it is i’m falling asleep a bit. album version especially. sorry ms swift!

wildest dreams - that’s more fucking like it. this is probably in my top 10 of her songs, from any album. every line of this! the imagery! the dreamy vibes! the way the bridge hits and she lets loose all of that fierceness she’s been holding back (”burn it down”)! i love how the sunset line parallels her own red and rosy makeup, and the dreamy feeling that conveys. also one time i had sex to this song and it was exactly as transcendent as you’d imagine, so.

how you get the girl - i’ll admit i’m not a massive fan of taylor’s favoured “ah” exclamations, but i’ll let em slide because this song goes off. hygtg accomplishes what ayhtdws set out to do: contrasting message and tone with just the right amount of attitude. i love the narrative in this one, too - she tells a clear story with subtle changes to the verses and the chorus. also the sudden vulnerability in her voice when she sings “i don’t want you to go” is like a shock of cold water. masterful.

this love - i can never decide how i feel about this track. the chorus looks almost ridiculous on paper - “this love is good / this love is bad”, seriously? - but god, she sells it, and just like in ootw the ohhs help to create that dreamlike atmosphere. the water metaphors mirror the seagulls on the album cover, by the way, which: mind.

i know places - right off the bat this piano and the way the drums come in late remind me of kanye’s “runaway” - a mirrored version of it, maybe. "runaway” is a warning - he’s laying himself bare, telling his lover he doesn’t plan on changing, exhorting her to run while she can. taylor’s version is a statement of fierce intent: it’s about isolating yourself from the world, making the almost violent choice to remain with your lover despite everything else. they’re songs about escape, but not escapism. anyway i like this song because it’s about harry styles.

clean - this one is boring somehow. like i get it, water metaphors, but the ah-ahs are getting on my nerves again and “hung my head as i lost the war” seems a bit self-consciously understated. maybe i just haven’t felt the specific feeling she’s writing about yet, but until i do this one will remain low on my list.

wonderland - she’s trying to get across this fierce “us against the world” thing, but there’s not enough of taylor’s specialty: those razor-sharp details that make her music feel both universal and infinitely personal. wonderland is all vague allusions to green eyes and getting lost together, full of sound and fury but not signifying much. i am into the i-am-a-woman-and-i-am-fucking-crazy thing, but i need a bit more from her.

you are in love - am i strong enough for this? we’ll see. this track’s got it all -lyrics clean as anything from her earlier discography, backed by those synths that are 80s without feeling like pastiche. i’m obsessed with the dynamics; her choice to use or remove the backing vocals emphasises her own voice, brings out its flaws and makes the song (though it’s quite production-heavy) feel raw. she makes use of her favourite trick, little snatches of memories creating a pointillist picture, but the most affecting line comes (as with so many of her best songs) in the bridge: “you understand now ... why i’ve spent my whole life trying to put it into words.” it’s the only time she mentions herself on this self-effacing track, and the effect is immediate and startling - suddenly we’re in taylor’s shoes, watching a beautiful relationship unfold from the outside, and after a full album of songs about a fragile, doomed love affair, that line lends “you are in love” new depth.

new romantics - i have whiplash but WE’RE ALL BORED! taylor once again proves she’s never read the scarlet letter. come to think of it, a whole lot of these lyrics don’t make sense, so... yup, just googled and max martin and shellback cowrote this one. side effect: it sounds great, and the words are secondary. the old taylor pops out on the bridge to remind us of her broken-heart fantasies (“please leave me stranded”), but it sounds more like parody than ever - maybe that’s growth? a bit like blank space, this track is glaringly self-aware, like she’s daring her critics to condemn her for the foibles she already knows about, and delights in. i don’t hold it against her. god knows she’s earned a little indulgence.

tagging @roseringharrie @complicatedbabyhoneyfreak @faithmp3 @carefisher @dyketaylorswift @harrysdimples @rainbowfragrance13 (hi and welcome!) @harrystylesep @winoharry @archer-wilde @haaaaaaarrry because at some point we’ve liked each other’s taylor swift posts and/or you’ve been very nice while i yelled incoherently about her. love you all more than words and stream lover xoxoxo

#taylor swift #this legitimately... took months (and months of back and forth) which is my fault entirely #love you ian can't wait to hear what you think!!!

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hiphopscriptures · 7 years

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Album Review of DAMN by Kendrick Lamar

Kendrick Lamar's album 'DAMN' is a book of revelations. While it's packaged as revelations about the artist known as Kendrick Lamar, it's actually overwhelmingly a collection of revelations about African Americans, these United States, and society-at-large. What follows is a track by track breakdown:

BLOOD. - Intro/interlude of poetry spoken word tells story of a blind woman whom [presumably] Kendrick approaches to ask if she needs help & she turns her gun on him and shoots to kill. The track ends with Fox News

DNA. - Here he invokes the name of Yashua and the belief that African Americans are the original, true Israelites. He educates you on all of the things inherently present in his DNA. "I got soldier's DNA". He also refers to himself as an antisocial extrovert while growling "My DNA not for imitation. Your DNA's an abomination." While cultural appropriation has been a hot button issue for YEARS now on social media, the collective of well known rappers has typically turned a blind eye in favor of their brand and music sales. TI's defense of Australian born rapper Iggy Azalea comes to mind, which is really interesting when you take into account that Kendrick came to her defense as well. DNA's infectious instrumentals almost overshadows the brilliant lyrics at play. Kendrick warns of "tenets on the way" if you look up in the sky and growls "I don't compromise. I just penetrate."

YAH. - the supreme creator, God, Yah, the universe...however you prefer to acknowledge your maker, Kendrick wants you to know that following your intuition is a must. Once again he mentions being an Israelite and even requests "...don't call me Black no mo'." He quotes Deuteronomy but also cautions that it ain't about religion.

ELEMENT. - here, we are introduced to "Kung Fu Kenny" and I'm immediately reminded that Kendrick is from Compton!! As I turn the volume to the max and hear "I don't give a f*ck". Our conscious warrior is back and wants you to know "I will die for this shit" ala Tupac. He even jokes about faking his death and going to Cuba. But don't worry because he's gonna "make it look sexy". The screw music style at the end of the track makes one wonder if he's directing his lyrics at Drake.

FEEL. - my first impression is that this music is psychedelic/trippy in nature. That's not a knock because I'm curious where the journey will lead! Here, we are introduced to Kdot's feelings of frustration with himself, his friends & the world at large. "Feel like removing myself ain't no feelings involved...since nobody praying for me." We've all been there haven't we? Not feeling like our best selves, having a moment of self pity and wondering where our friends are in our time of neediness and if anyone really cares at all! This track is an emotional journey of highs and lows, bravado, machismo, disconnection and ultimately, STRENGTH.

LOYALTY. (feat. Rihanna) - definitely a chill vibe; a bit of flirtation. Loyalty is described as a "secret society", no switching sides. Rihanna & Kdot take turns asking the question "Tell me who you're loyal to" be it money, food, weed, drank, your family or your friends. Will most definitely be on the radio and in heavy rotation this summer.

PRIDE. - more reflective sonics as he questions the choice between "happiness or flashiness". He cautions us not to take our respective pride too far. In this age of flexing our curated lives on the gram we are reminded the damage it does to the greater good. But don't worry Twitter, the line "I can't fake humble just cuz your ass is insecure" is just for you!

HUMBLE. - the track that jumpstarted the anticipation for the rest of the album. This song is truly an oxymoron about Kdot's ability to humble OTHERS. And folks wasted no time in posting the oft repeated refrain "Be humble. (Bitch) sit down." Blog posts exploded to debate the meaning of ditching photoshop for an "ass with some stretchmarks" and the contradictions of the male species' voicing a preference for au naturale but constantly clamoring for the prize also known as a 'bad bitch' who's accessories may/may not include cosmetic surgery, hair extensions & a face full of makeup. That aside, 'HUMBLE' is Kendrick's reminder that it's levels to this shit, and his competitors ain't there yet.

LUST. - we are initially confronted with a metaphor of the physical manifestation of a man's erection (blood rush, heart racing) as Kdot croons "Let me put the head in". But this song isn't about sex, not exactly. All of the things we and the male/female characters in the song lust for - sexual prowess, money, looks, danger keep us from doing good and making a difference. Keep listening and you'll recognize the recap of the energy post the 2016 presidential election & how the disappointment of so many swiftly dissipated as the collective became easily distracted by their lust for all things superficial.

LOVE. (feat. Zacari) - you WILL be singing this is the shower! Hearing that sweet confirmation: "I wanna be with you" is Kendrick's spin on the spirit of Motown's classic love songs. Get ready to hear this at weddings for the next 24 months and beyond. So many "If I...would you still love me?" moments to choose from.

XXX. - speaking directly to America. Not the people of America, but the entity. Kdot plainly lays out on the table disparities in quality of life, education and opportunities. And for those still tone deaf enough to continue equating death at the hands of police brutality with civilian on civilian crime that happen to be Black, he lets you know "Ain't no Black power when your baby killed by a coward." We end on a note that accurately describes how violence doesn't discriminate against social class, race or pedigree. From Compton to Wall Street to yes, our very own Oval Office.

FEAR. - the longest track on the album at 7 minutes and 40 seconds, it's also the most complex and thought provoking. Especially if you happened to grow up in a household that infused fear in an effort to make you act right and behave. You're reminded of all the threats of an ass whooping for everything from jumping on the couch, losing a fight at school, not finishing dinner, your homework, etc. This is the first seed where fear continues to grow within your heart. And Kendrick allows his vulnerability here to let us into all of the dark corners of his personal fears: losing wealth, losing love, walking home in the wrong gang territory, the police and ultimately, fear of judgment.

GOD. - it's not what you think. Actually it's more reminiscent of Kanye West's infamous 'I Am A God'. Kendrick is expressing his celebration of arrogance and ponders that "this what God feel like." Kinda like how all men feel fresh out of the barber's chair.

DUCKWORTH. - as stated at the beginning of this album review, 'DAMN' has proved to be a a book of revelations of sorts. Kendrick Lamar saved the best (and most personal) revelation for last. Without giving too much away, I'll tell you that 'Duckworth' tells the hard to believe (but confirmed as true) story of Top Dawg founder Anthony Tiffith crossing paths with Kendrick's own father "Ducky" on the streets of Compton, and how if things had ended differently, we wouldn't have the pleasure of Kendrick Lamar Duckworth's dynamic artistry to behold.

This album will be in rotation for years to come - A CLASSIC.

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