#look I get being upset with Fitz sometimes but also please just this guy
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Having Fitz Vacker feelings right now. @ahoyimlosingmymind this ramble is dedicated to you.
Say what you want about Fitz Vacker but he’s trying. And it’s excruciatingly hard because he made it so important to his identity when it was easy.
He was the kid from the perfect family. Styling his hair and keeping his clothes straight was only a small amount of time in the morning. He’s super good-looking and all the girls knew it. He manifested extremely young and blew everyone away. He was top of his class without even being able to attend all the time because he was off doing classified, important things for his important father.
The Vacker name was handed to him.
He was attractive without having to try, so all he had to do was gel his hair into place and go about his day.
He manifested at 12. Everyone was amazed. Of course he was a prodigy. He didn’t have to ask or try for that, either.
His nexus came off at a young age because of his amazing concentration.
He was Important. That was why he often wasn’t in school and everyone knew it, though they didn’t know the details.
He was smart. He was top of the class.
He was effortlessly perfect and that was what made him Fitz Vacker. He got comfortable with it. It was all he needed.
But… balancing schoolwork with searching for a hidden Elvin girl got difficult, so he started having to put in a little bit of effort. But he did it behind closed doors. To everyone else he was still effortlessly perfect. The late nights studying were his little secret.
He still had everything going for him, naturally.
Then he found Sophie. Sure, she… might have manifested younger than him, but she doesn’t count. And she’s the only one who can block him… but she doesn’t count. She DOESN’T. She has altered DNA, obviously, so he’s still the best young telepath. He IS.
And this is a good thing, because now everyone knows what he’d been doing. What an important kid at such a young age. Fitz can’t help but be proud.
But things aren’t always easy.
And they keep getting harder.
His classes get harder, but so does his life. Alden’s mind breaks and he doesn’t have it in him to be nice to everyone. He says things he regrets… especially to Sophie. She doesn’t deserve that. He tells her. (He’s forever grateful she brought him back.)
(….why couldn’t he bring him back?)
Does anyone notice his slightly lower grades? Probably not. He has an image everyone probably assumes is still true. And besides, he’s involved with things so much bigger than school now… obviously he’s still Perfect…
He starts to develop feelings for Sophie. He cares about her, and… so does his best friend. His best friend who is Imperfectly Perfect. The boy who manages to be just as popular and appreciated as him without having to always look put together. He starts to resent being put together.
(How does Keefe not go to class and still do amazingly on all his exams, just because of his stupid photographic memory, while Fitz has to study and study between his insane life and pay rapt attention in every class and just pretend it’s easy for him?)
(Why is Keefe the one who skipped a grade? Fitz should have skipped a grade. Why didn’t he? He should have. What a good idea.)
(Fitz makes it look like he’s effortlessly perfect. Keefe IS effortlessly perfect.)
(Keefe’s “effortless” looks better than Fitz’s “effortless.”)
(It would be insensitive to say Keefe has it easier though, of course. Fitz knows what his home life is like…)
Fitz worries that, of course, Sophie will go for Keefe, but he doesn’t say anything. He waits.
He joins the Black Swan.
No more Foxfire.
He’s a rebel.
(He’s fine with that, really.)
He and Sophie are cognates!!!!!!!! That’s a good thing, that’s special!!
They get banished from the lost cities.
(He’s a Vacker.)
(Does that even matter anymore?)
He goes to exillium.
(What does it mean to be Fitz Vacker anymore?)
He can’t even really protect Sophie. And there’s just one thing she won’t tell him in their trust exercises. (Does she like him?? Surely not. What is she hiding? Why doesn’t she trust me? ……Does she like me?)
Alvar. Is. A. Traitor.
(What does it even mean to be a Vacker anymore?)
His family name was handed to him, but now he has to make it for himself. People aren’t so sure about the Vackers anymore.
His special ability and its strength was handed to him, but now there’s Sophie. (Do they even need him? Does the cognate relationship even benefit Sophie, or only him….?)
School is light years away. Even when they return to foxfire it isn’t really the same. He’s been to exillium. He can’t go back to being the quintessential top student.
So… what is he?
Who is Fitz Vacker anyway?
It feels like everything he defined himself by is slipping away, but he can’t give it up now. He can’t try something like Keefe tries. He has to be Fitz Vacker. He has to keep it up.
(Sometimes his mask slips a little and he’s terrified people are going to see that there’s nothing underneath.)
He wishes he never decided to be effortlessly perfect.
#am I projecting?#welll MAYBE A LITTLE#so I relate to Fitz so what#fitz vacker#kotlc#keeper of the lost cities#look I get being upset with Fitz sometimes but also please just this guy#his perspective will never not be compelling to me#even though I don’t even ship him with Sophie
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Finale Predictions
Well guys, it's been quite the ride and here we are ready for the finale. First and foremost I have to thank you all for sticking with me over the years. Sending the asks, supporting the theories, dealing with my sometimes crazy metas and predictions, that sometimes hit and sometimes didn’t. And trusting me to be the Fandom Mom.
As is now an annual tradition I’m putting up my post of Finale Predictions before going dark until after the finale airs. This is for fun as I always like to see how well I did. Please no pitchforks if I am wrong on any of these.
So here we go:
Everyone’s favorite villains, Nathaniel, Kora, and SIBYL will all make it to the finale while Garrett will be killed or locked up by the end of the first hour (and it will use some of Fitz’s tech).
SIBYL will eventually get herself a new body.
Nathaniel will turn on Kora and try to take her powers and/or kill her.
Kora has already turned on him and he/we just don’t know it yet. Either betrays him and helps her sister or tries to kill him herself in revenge for her mother. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
Daisy will be the one to end Nathaniel and it will be oh so satisfying giant fight scene….even if we have to wait until the second hour for it. Bonus points if Sousa get a hit in first too
Coulson, May, and Elena are able to get to space thanks to Coulson’s new computer Genius Super Power OR Garrett is ordered to bring them so they can lord their victory over them all.
Even though they have pretty much ended Shield and Hydra in the “hot mess” timeline SIBYL and Nathaniel set their sites on the OG Timeline and/or Fitz once they realize he has come into the mix and ruins their plans in the hot mess timeline.. As they are both aware he is the one who ends their little party.
The Chronicoms will not all be super thrilled with what SIBYL has been up too or her methods. This could be another thing that drives SIBYL into the OG Timeline.
The battle between SIBYL and Coulson seems to have gotten a bit more personal so my money is on Coulson being the one to take her down. Close second goes to May and Fitzsimmons.
Diana didn’t only block Memories of Fitz it took out the memories of people associated with him. IE she is not going to remember her friends or Deke.
Deke will earn her trust quickly and be an A+ overprotective grandson of his Nana as they are rescued and get back to the team.
The team will rescue Deke and Jemma, take out a few Chronicoms, and Independence Day their way out of there.
While it won’t be the romantic Philinda some fans want we will see some quality Philinda banter over the finale as it seems they’ve settled into a good place between the two. Coulson has also passed the torch of “team parent” onto her.
Philinda will not end as a couple.
At some point Sousa is really going to question what is going on and his life choices. AKA He looks around stunned at what is going on.
More quality Dousy flirting and banter….they will kiss again and I do see them being a couple when things end.
Fitzsimmons family feels just a lot of them over the whole finale. Iain and Elizabeth are going to murder us with feels. I mean Fitz with his little girl. I shall perish.
Despite not knowing everyone Jemma is going to be super insistent on building or activating a device (that has been stashed on the Zephyr) that she doesn’t know what it does but just knows she needs to build and activate it. She will be the only one who can activate it and possibly it will take something very personal of hers to turn it on. IE how she was hiding Fitz’s ring/necklace in Season 6 she might have the key hiding again. But lets all freak out that Jemma will literally be the key to getting Fitz.
We won’t see Fitz until near the end of 12 if he is not the cliffhanger.
That Bar place in the promo pics is either Keonig’s Bar or the Playground of the hot mess Timeline. Seems to be some sort of secret Shield Base or what is left of them after the big attack as there are some random Shield agents milling/wth/who are these people in the background. We know The Playground was off the books in the OG Timeline and would make sense it was also in the Hot mess.
Jemma will have her memory resorted relatively quickly after Fitz Kool Aid Man’s in all Star Lord from the portal thing Jemma activates. And it’ll be the freaking power of her love for Fitz/her Family that overloads her (Gimme my Framework fix here). Or Fitzsimmons have a fail safe password. BUT GIMME TRUE LOVE.
CUE THE SECRET CHILD REVEAL!!!!!!!!!! Yes, I will be screaming. The team will be stunned.
I’m sticking to my theory that they will give their daughter a “celestial” or astronomical name to pay off “One of these days we’ll find something magnificent out in space,” thing from Season 3 (especially if she was conceived on the way back from Kitson). Or a name that is very reflective of their Scottish/English roots.
Everyone needs to hold onto their hats because once Jemma has her memories back it will be because they are gonna want to get home to their Little Girl like yesterday and have one hell of a plan that involves saving the world and taking care of Nathaniel, SIBYL, and the Season 6 Finale attack on the Lighthouse.
This is likely where a ton of the Flashbacks come in.
Where has Fitz been? He’s been back in our OG Timeline. The finale confirmation for me came last week when Nathaniel revealed that SIBYL’s time stream couldn’t see him….or their daughter, and that thing sees EVERYTHING in the HOT MESS Timeline. This would also be why Jemma’s messages didn’t reach him, she couldn’t get them to cross into the OG Timeline and this was something she would have known but Diana blocked as part of hiding where Fitz was.
How has Fitz been watching the Chronicoms? Insert incredibly complicated timey whimy thing the writers came up with that me and my Marketing degree can not fathom so just go with it okay, via the using the Framework in the OG Timeline to get into the Chronicom’s system. Little pay back for what SIBYL has been doing in the Hot Mess Timeline. Him being connected to the Framework explains why he was so exposed. Because when someone is hooked up to that thing they can get their heads cut off and not know it.
Now reunited and having dropped the baby announcement Fitzsimmons will present the plan for the “Final Mission” the team must embark on to save the world….again.
And oh baby is it complicated.
Part of said plan will have them back at the Lighthouse during the Chronicom attack.
The dudes that showed up with Jemma at the Temple will be explained. IE I think its some of the team and they cleared out of the Zephyr before the time travel party got started. They also may have grabbed other hunks of the monoliths.
The fight will take place in both the Hot Mess and OG Timelines
We have not seen the last of the Monoliths. The fact we are jumping timelines and have Flint in the mix over in the OG timeline makes me think they are gonna need Mr. Swirly’s help in doing said jumping (Mr. Swirly is the Grey Monolith). Or they really go with the OG and its Harold (Black Space one) that allows for it. Kind of fitting the Monolith that tore Fitzsimmons apart is now the one that reunites them.
We will for sure see Enoch (via Flashback), Davis (please not by Flashback #davislivesagain), Piper and Flint as returning Favorites.
If they have Davis back to life I just gesture exhaustedly at the Monoliths again. Not even gonna try to explain it.
Small chance we run into the Hot Mess’s Timeline Enoch but he will have no relationship or connection to the team and will make me cry.
Top Picks for SURPRISE not on the Press Release faces to pop up if we get them: Ward (I mean really how have we not seen him again yet), Mace, Robbie, Bobbi, Hunter, Koenig (any of them) and Mike. REALLY WANT IT BUT WON”T GET IT! Dadcliffe
Who was keeping Fitzsimmons Daughter safe:
Top Pick: Piper and Flint: Given Fitzsimmons would have run into them picking up the Zephyr and they could have been the “we had help” they talked about.
Second Place Because I Badly want him back: Uncle Enoch 2.0
Left Field Surprise Option: Huntingbird
LOLA RETURNS
We will get a lot of really fun callbacks to past stories or even lines IE “I’m just the Pilot” For May.
“What We Are Fighting For”: Family. The team family….and the Fitzsimmons family. Also they will have gone 13/13 in that someone will say the titles name at some point in the episode.
We will see old weapons and tech from previous seasons make one last appearance, we’ve seen 2 so far in promos and will see more.
Shotgun Axe gets a proper send off in battle (this one is for Kiddo 3)
Bear will deliver the most amazing soundtrack that we’ll never get to buy.
Who Lives, Who Dies, Who Tells Your Story (Sorry Couldn’t Resist)
Nathaniel: Dies, and we will all cheer.
SIBYL: Dies, and we will all cheer.
Garrett: Dies or locked up, won’t make it to the second hour.
Kora: Toss a coin. If she dies she killed for trying to take down Nathaniel. If in her betrayal of Nathaniel she helps Daisy get Jemma and Deke back that could be a good starting place for the sisters to work thing out. Starting place, she has a long way to go to get in good with Daisy and setting up an 11th hour redemption arc.
Mack: Still so nervous for him based on how he has been in interviews, especially the SDCC ones last year. He was so clearly upset by it. So Mack either falls or does something so out of character (Bails before the finale battle which just is not making sense to me Mack is in such a good place right now) for Mack that Henry was upset by it. Essentially I am very confused because what I am seeing on screen now isn’t matching with how Henry was talking as Mack has really come around since his Endgame stage.
Elena: Easily lives. If Mack doesn’t die, wherever he lands she’ll be with him. They’ve been a steady ship all season and I see no reason for them to break up outside of death. And while I have a mountain of concerns for Mack, I have none for Elena.. I also see her still being a presence within Shield, she’s become a good solid agent, and bonus points if she keeps Flint with her….and he gets all the tacos he wants.
Sousa: Totally lives (they might give us a good fake out though because he and Daisy are becoming a thing)I can still see him being Director of Shield if Mack falls or steps down. He’s a good Agent in a new time but he said he is right where he is supposed to be, at Daisy’s side. Where she goes he goes. IE he’s not letting her get away and will always be there after she runs into a wall. So if Daisy leaves Shield, so will he. If she stays so will he. If she opens a coffee bar he’ll learn to make an espresso.
Daisy: Totally Lives, but there will be something about her ending that some fans won’t like and some fans are going to love. Staying with Shield or no whatever she does will involve Inhumans be it the Secret Warriors are up and running again, she is mentoring and training new Inhumans coming into Shield, or my favorite option still is she reopens Afterlife. I’ve been feeling that option for most of the Season and feel like it was really set up with Jaiying as was Daisy looking out for her little sister should the chips fall the right way. The SS Dousy will be sailing right along. IF Kora survives I can see her being in Afterlife as well, Daisy taking her mother’s passion that Kora has a good heart to heart herself.
Deke: Okay this one is weird because I feel like we are going to lose him somehow, but he won’t die. I didn’t get the vibe from Jeff, Elizabeth, or Iain that he died and those three are pretty tight. However, in that I don’t think I’m going to get my Fitzsimmons Family all settling down in a giant castle in Scotland together. They set up for him to make a sacrifice, he’s grown, and has something he’s really truly fighting for. I have loved seeing how close he and Jemma have gotten and how fiercely he’s protected her and her secret. Even in the face of torture he didn’t betray her. It will come as no surprise if he doesn’t sacrifice himself somehow. Either in taking a hit for his family or doing something similar to what he did in Season 5 to make sure they got home. Bringing things full circle. He also expressed that he wouldn’t mind being stuck in the hot mess timeline in ‘83. He built himself a nice life there and Nathaniel did a pretty good job of taking out Hydra...with just a bit of Shield hanging on. So if it comes down to it I don’t see him minding if he gets stuck there. Sure him saying goodbye to Nana and Bobo is gonna hurt like Hades but if he ends up alive, I’m good.
Fitzsimmons: Both live, yes they will scare the crap out of us more than a few times especially after we know about the daughter, but they will live. Totally peace out, we’ve done our time, leaving Shield with the adorable daughter and its Perthshire or Bust. They’ve sacrificed enough and will not be willing to risk it again.
May: Lives and reminds us all that she is one hell of a pilot. If Mack decides he wants to step down, dies, whatever I’ll throw her back in contention for Director, especially as I see Sousa Following Daisy if she leaves. Coulson seemed to have set her on that path and at the very least passed the “Team Parent” torch onto her, that it would be her job to give the Coulson talks to those who needed it. If she’s not Director, she’ll be whomever is right hand, or I still have that option for the Academy being up and running and she’s running that, training the next generation.
Coulson: Lives.I know SHOCKING. I think he was very ready to throw in the towel after spending 20 months in the TV but then Enoch’s moving words in his death were what changed his mind about ‘powering down” when this is all over. Coulson realizes that yes, while it is hard to be the one to leave it is harder for the ones that are left behind but it's also necessary that they move on, and live for those they have lost before. Like Sousa and Fitzsimmons, he’ll be another that they’ll fake out death a few times. I see him leaving Shield though, taking Lola and finally just going and seeing the world, watching the history he loves so much happen. We get to see him driving around or even off in Lola for the last time. Other options include he does something that will allow him to totally run with his new super computer super power. The final thing I can see him doing is being the coolest professor at the newly rebooted Academy.
Flint: Get’s his tacos.
Piper: Keeps being awesome.
Davis: Better live dang it.
Kiddos Predictions:
That weird device Jemma makes brings Fitz
Deke sacrifices himself for Fitz
Fitzsimmons and their kid have to leave Shield
Mack leaves shield
Fitzsimmons, Dousy, Mackelena all stay together
Daisy kills Nathaniel, Daisy needs to quake him up
May or Nathaniel will take out Kora. But if she survives we want Daisy to take her in.
Fitz takes down SIBYL
Piper is watching the Daughter
The daughters name is Olivia
Robo Coulson will sacrifice himself
GHOST RIDER HAD BETTER BE OUR SURPRISE CHARACTER (this was literally shouted at me). Kiddo 3 voted for PIkachu (Lincoln)
Have no idea what will happen to May
We will get a “flash forward” ending showing what the team that is still alive is doing
Flint gets his tacos
They save the team and have a full out war at some point in time
The episode is going to be super good
Mom is going to cry
Well there it is. We’ll check back in on Thursday to see how I did!
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Please activate your Farseer brain again and share some headcanons for Fitz and Burrich
Okay, I have no idea if you’re asking for my modern au specifically because that’s when I said my farseer brain was activated or if you meant headcanons for canon, but I’m going to bank on modern au so I hope that’s fine with you! I think at least a fair amount will be more generally applicable, though, just in case you aren’t.
I’m a big fan of Burrich and Fitz’s dynamic, especially because they do have a father/son relationship but there’s also tension there that gets in the way. But for my ideal dynamic with them there are two traits:
1. “Fitz, I love you deeply and you remind me a lot of myself. But I also hate myself and this will affect our relationship for years to come.
2. That joke that goes “Have you ever kissed a guy?”
“Of course” He then failed to elaborate.
I’ll try and keep this relatively organized but it’ll bounce around. Assume its all for the modern au and if anything seems applicable to canon, it probably is.
At no point ever in raising Fitz does Burrich ever look up how to raise a kid
Chivalry: Burrich, children are are like animals, right?
Burrich: yes, in a cosmic sense, but not completely
Chivalry: well I trust you to raise my son
Burrich does the best he can but sir you should google things
Altho the idea of burrich at a parenting class is hilarious to me
Honestly, I am obsessed with his and Chivalry’s relationship
Fellas, is it gay to leave your girlfriend for a man, because you want to devote yourself fully to him and also you tear up when talking about what a great man he is
Anyway, Burrich is telling Fitz about Chivalry while looking through a photo album and its like “Fitz, your father knew me better than any man had before” *turns page* “And here’s us getting drunk at a party when we were 22″
In my modern au, Chivalry doesn’t die, but I don’t think him and Fitz would have much of a father/son relationship. Maybe more uncle/nephew
Now I’m remembering how Fitz called Patience his mom. Fitz and his mom, his dad (burrich) and his father (chivalry)
I do wonder what Fitz and Burrich’s relationship would be like if the Wit wasn’t there or if the stigma was gone. I wonder about that a lot.
Burrich is an old fashioned guy and by that I mean he has a flip phone he keeps in a belt holster and drives a shitty old pickup that could and should be replaced
He has a wallet filled with pictures of Fitz and also his animals
You know, I think Fitz should have had his hair braided at least once. I think Burrich would be good at braiding, if that isn’t already canon.
I think any gifts Burrich gives Fitz are highly practical. New coat, new shoes, new hat, here are some gloves and socks I knitted with wool I got from the sheep we raised
My personal belief that Burrich is very very handy with fabric crafts for a variety of reasons
lmao Burrich in a quilting circle. he wouldn’t, but its funny to picture
I think if Fitz had had a more normal childhood he’d have done those drawings and projects kids do of their families except its primarily Burrich and the animals
Fitz first got to drive a car at age 10 because they were doing fence maintenance in the pasture and Burrich plopped him in the front seat and said “listen, inch the truck forward when I tell you to” and you know it didn’t go terribly
this is the only reason fitz doesn’t end up in a ditch the first time he tries to drive
Fitz, trying to get his license: “So I need my birth certificate, can you give it to me”
Burrich: “Sure its right--hold on”
Fitz: “Did you lose it?”
Burrich: “Let me call the main house”
Fitz: “You lost it didn’t you”
Burrich: “You didn’t come with one”
Burrich at parent teacher conferences or helping Fitz with homework is funny to me, too. *insert mr incrediblt math is math scene here*
Fitz in canon never has to explain his familial relations to anyone because everyone already knows who he is but in this au its like “Oh that’s my dad, who isn’t my biological dad, but my biological dad dipped when I was born because my mom--who isn’t my biological mom--was upset because he cheated on her and she was upset because she couldn’t have kids but she’s fine now and she’s my mom and they’re all back and then there’s my uncles--” and the person is like uh huh sure that all definitely makes sense
Burrich is hot, does that make him a dilf?
I think Fitz is one of those kids that would get super super into something for a few months and know all about it and so Burrich is like “is this about your transformers?” and Fitz is like NO i’m talking about power rangers they’re totally different
Fitz but he has modern day teen romance drama
Fitz: Burrich, Molly didn’t like my instagram post, does that mean she hates me? :(((
Burrich: what’s instagram
Man this isn’t a headcanon or anything but I’m just thinking about how baller the witness stones thing was with galen. and the end of book 2? when burrich was begging for fitz to stay alive and then it switches to relief over him actually being alive? gets me man
I wonder how much more he would have gone up to bat for fitz if there wasn’t the whole royalty or politics thing. like he goes up to bat for fitz all the time and defends him but sometimes he has to be careful with politics. what would he have been like if he didn’t have those constraints
I could keep going, but its already getting long so I’m going to stop there. Hope this was what you wanted!
#Anonymous#blue talks#asks#if this ISN'T what you wanted then you can send another ask for specifics and I'll do my best#also sorry this took so long to get to I was busy today and then I had most of the post written out and tumblr crashed and I lost it all#such is life i guess#i have many many thoughts on both farseer canon and farseer stupid au#i didn't mention nighteyes in there but fitz shows up with this weird looking dog and burrich goes christ this kid. fitz we need to talk#something else i didn't add bc it wasn't relevant is i think that patience would make little coupon books for holidays for fitz like#'one free piano lesson with patience' or 'helping patience in the garden for a day'#things like that bc i love patience and i know she's very smart and capable but i also think she's does weird things that are endearing#like trying to call fitz tom bc he wouldn't respond to her the way she liked#love her dynamic with him#rote#farseer trilogy#long post#*sets the days since i've talked about farseer counter back down to 0*
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Can I get a glee sons of anarchy vampire diaries pll ship please I'm a bisexual girl that is good at drawing acting singing dancing and I like reading singing acting dancing writing and i like old music want my hair shaved half way and a nose piercing I also want a mororbike
Glee
Rachel Berry
Rachel would be so accepting and supportive of your sexuality. She would be amazed at all your talent. She would say you two were the power couple of glee club and the world. Rachel would love to study your drawings. She would help you read your lines and practice when you are auditioning for plays, broadways, movies, and tv shows. Rachel is obsessed with your voice and adores singing duets with you or listening to you sing. She loves to watch you dance. She loves how in your own world and happy you are. Rachel would ask you to read to her all the time just so she can hear the excitement in your voice or the excitement on your face as you read the book. Rachel always read with you or more like would watch you and pretend she was reading. Rachel would spend hours reading the things you write. She would be so engrossed and in love with the worlds, you can create with just your brain. Rachel loves all types of music so she loves listing to your old music singing and dancing along or just letting it play in the background as you two talk. When you mentioned getting half your hair shaved she didn’t think she would like it but when you came back with it. She thought it was the hottest thing ever. She was proven wrong when you got the nose ring and then again when you got on your new motorbike in front of her for the first time.
or
Sam Evans
Sam wouldn’t care about your sexuality. He loves you for you, not your sexual orientation. Sam would constantly want you to draw him and pictures for him. He would keep tons of your artwork. The blonde would be mesmerized by your talent and spend tons of time looking at them and watching you draw them. Sam would love to watch you perform in plays, broadway, tv shows, movies, anything. He loved watching you act. You look so happy on reading the lines and it brought a smile to his face every time. Sam and you both had voices like angels and were a singing power couple in glee club. You sang duets together constantly. Sung to one another all the time. Sam loved your voice so he adored hearing you sing. if he was upset, stressed, or angry he went to you and had you sing for him. Sam loved to watch you dance. He didn’t always have pg 13 thoughts in his head but he loved to watch you dance. The way you looked as if you felt you were the only person on the planet. The skillful way your body moved. Sam adored every step of you dancing. Sam always teased you about how much you read but he actually found it adorable. Sam would have your read to him both for enjoyment and studying purposes. Sam loved the small gasp and awws and huffs of air that flew from your mouth while reading as well as the cute angry, mad, sad, happy, etc. expressions. Sam loved to hear what you were writing. He always felt good when he would help you if you got stuck on a certain part. When you got writer's block he would make you relax while he read through everything you wrote to try to help. Sam wouldn’t like your music at first but as time went on he would actually really enjoy it. He would never admit it but actually didn’t mind listening to it now. Sam had always thought you were the most beautiful girl ever but when you came home with you head half-shaved and nose pierced sitting on top of a new Harley you just bought he knew he was mistaken. He was speechless and in awe at how gorgeous you looked.
Sons of anarchy
Lyla Dvorak-Winston
I ship you with Lyla because she would not be phased by your sexuality because she also considers herself bisexual. She loves your drawings and hangs them up all over the house. You even draw with Ellie, Kenny, and Piper. She even asked you to teach her how to draw. She loves to hear you sing. She can listen to you sing for hours. She loves to watch you dance and she loves to dance with you. She loves for you to give her a lap dance to get her in the mood. She loves to watch you act whatever you may be doing movies, tv shows, music videos, porn whatever. You both consider her an actress in her own right. So you both were really supportive of each other's careers. She loves to read what you write. She feels so accomplished when she can help you. Lyla wouldn’t be super into your old music she would be more into dancey or rock music but as long as you were happy she would listen to anything you wanted. She found you intoxicating before but after you shaved half your head and got you nose pierced then bought a motorbike she found you irresistible. She found it so badass and so hot she couldn’t keep her hands off of you.
or
Juan Carlos "Juice" Ortiz
I ship you with Juice. He would love your drawings. He would fill his house and jail cells with your drawings. He would pose and have you draw him and he would even have you draw tattoo ideas for him. Anytime he saw you running lines or acting, in general, he filled with pride. He would constantly brag to the other guys about you anytime you appeared on their screens or anytime really. He loved when you sang. if he was having a particularly rough night and couldn’t sleep he would have you sing to him. He would have you perform for the club and their parties and brag all night to anyone that will listen. Your dancing makes him both in love and turned on all in one. The movement of your body gotten him hard in seconds and also happy you were happy and enjoying yourself. He found your love for books adorable. He loves watching you read and he loves having you read to him. He loves to read anything you write. He proofreads everything and he helps whenever he can. He wouldn’t mind your old-time music but it wouldn’t be his favorite. Juice was always about you being you and doing whatever made you happy so when you said you wanted to shave half your head he went with you and paid for it. When you told him you thought of getting a nose piercing he did the research and scheduled the appointment. Took you and cheered you on as it happened. He found you stunning and ravishing no matter how you looked. One day he saw you checking out a motorbike so he surprised you with it. He just wanted to make his Princessa happy.
for
the vampire diaries
Katherine Pierce
Katherine was a jealous person and thought of every woman and man as competition from the moment you told her you were bi. She loves you drawings and admires them. She has you draw her constantly. She even tried to encourage you to try to become a professional artist. She thought you were an incredible actress and even used you when she needed help to lie and deceive people. She loved your singing and even had you sing to her multiple times. Your dancing amazed her. She loved how free and careless you looked. She would tease you for reading all the time but the truth is it made her insecure. She felt you were far smarter than her and she didn’t deserve you. She loved to read your writing and would spend her free time reading it. Katherine always encouraged you to be a professional artist, writer, dancer, singer, actress anything because she felt you were the most talented human on the planet. Katherine thought you looked absolutely stunning normally but when you came home one day on a motorbike half your head shaved and your nose pierced she thought you looked like a badass goddess.
or
Matt Donovan
Matt doesn’t care if you are bisexual. He loves your drawings. He admires how you can take a word or a memory or anything really and draw it so beautifully and vividly. He loves to see you act because of how happy it makes you. He heard you sing when you were cleaning one day and from then on he was obsessed. He would have you sing at the grill and at all the events in mystic fall he could. He loved to watch you dance how hot and carefree you looked. He loved to brag to his friends about you. He loved to watch you read or sit beside you and read with you. He liked how engrossed in books you would get it would be like you left this world and flew into the book. Matt encouraged you to write a “fictional” story aka a story about your lives just changing names and the name of the town. He was always up to help you with your writing in whatever way possible. Matt always believed there was no way you could get any more beautiful but you somehow did the day you drove up on a motorbike half your hair shaved and your nose pierced.
Pretty Little Liars
Aria Montgomery
Arya didn’t care if you were bisexual she loved and you supported you through anything and everything. She loves to watch you draw. She loves how invested you get into making every detail perfect. She filled her bedroom full of your art. Sometimes she draws with you other times she just watches you. She pushes you to audition for different roles and parts. She constantly told you, “it wouldn’t be right to keep all that talent between the two of us.” She adored your singing and anytime she had nightmares or was stressed about A or life she would beg you to sing her to sleep. She went to all your choir performance for Rosewood High School and every concert and performance after. Begging and encouraging you to pursue music. She loved to watch you dance she even had you try to teach her how too. She loved to read with you whether it be the same book or different books while snuggled together. You both loved to write so you guys would both spend hours reading each other's work and writing together. Arya thought you were incredibly talented. Arya believed you could do whatever you wanted with your body so she didn't care she just told you you look absolutely stunning and kissed you when you showed up with your head half-shaved and nose pierced. She was slightly worried about your riding a motorbike but she got over it because it made you happy.
or
Ezra Fitz
Ezra would be completely accepting and supportive about your sexuality. He loves to watch you draw. He has your drawings hung up around his classroom, house, or later when he gets it the brew. Ezra often helps you run lines or drive you to auditions. Doing anything you need to make the process easier and less stressful. He loves your singing and goes to every performance. He even hired you as entertainment for the brew. He loved to watch you dance whether it is out on a date or at home. He even sometimes danced with you but he was terrible and it caused both of you to laugh hysterically. You both loved to read so you exchanged book recommendations and snuggled while reading all the time. You were both writers so you both helped each other in every way possible. When you came home with a nose piercing Ezra thought it was a bit strange but alright. When you came home with half your head shaved he didn’t really like it. But after a while, he actually grew to love. The motorbike he didn’t like because he was worried about you safety but he knew he didn’t get an opinion because you loved it.
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The Nanny - Chapter 2
I am completely overwhelmed by everyone’s amazing and encouraging responses to my first chapter. It’s hard to explain just how much your comments mean to me! You guys are just the best. I hope you enjoy everything to come!
Special thanks to Corinna, my amazing Mandarin translator!! And always Kaiya and Liz. Love yall. =)
Also on AO3.
“Do I have to go to school today?” Daisy looked up at Melinda imploringly from behind her bowl of cereal.
“Eat another bite, Daisy, and yes.” Melinda answered, glancing at her daughter from the island where she was assembling a turkey and cheese sandwich for Daisy’s lunchbox. The disappointment on Daisy’s little face made her want to change her mind, but her shift started in an hour. She couldn’t call out now unless there was some kind of emergency.
“But-but I wanna go to work with you.” Daisy sounded like she was on the verge of tears.
Melinda set down the sandwich and immediately went to crouch beside her little girl. She was used to Daisy's reluctance to part from her. Especially when she was a baby, her separation anxiety had made it difficult for Melinda to go anywhere alone. But this was something different. She usually wasn't this clingy anymore unless she was sick...or something was upsetting her.
“Daisy, xiǎo huā,” Melinda had given Daisy the Mandarin nickname when she was still just a baby: little flower. Melinda put a hand on her back and switched to Mandarin, as she frequently did at the house with Daisy. “What’s wrong?” She probed.
Daisy put her spoon down and threw her arms around Melinda’s neck for a hug. “I don’t wanna go to school. And I don’t like aftercare. I wanna stay with you.” Daisy’s voice was muffled by Melinda’s shirt.
Melinda held onto her and stood up, rubbing her back soothingly as Daisy straddled her waist. “I know you don’t like aftercare, xiǎo huā, but Mama has to go to work.”
She was loathe to leave Daisy in the daycare program after school. Her previous nanny, who moved away in January, usually picked her up right after her class ended. The past couple of months without a nanny meant that most days, Daisy had to stay in aftercare until she (or Peggy or Maria) were able to pick her up. Even though the school was good and the teachers were kind, Daisy expressed how much she disliked it. On particularly long or bad days, she would cry in class about having to go. Ms. Anne Weaver, Daisy's VPK teacher, explained to her that Daisy played by herself most of the time in aftercare. She thought it had to do with the fact that many of the other students in aftercare were older, and none of her classmates stayed after school. Melinda hated that her daughter had to be in a place where she felt she didn’t fit in, but without a nanny there was just no way for her to make sure Daisy was taken care of for those few hours without being at the school. Part of the burden of being a single mother, she supposed.
Melinda could feel Daisy relaxing in her arms the longer she held her, and finally Melinda pulled back to look into her daughter’s face.
“Hey,” Melinda moved the brown strands of hair away from Daisy’s face. “Guess what tomorrow is? My day off! You know what that means.” She saw the beginnings of a smile start to creep up. “We can do Tai Chi in the morning, and after school we’ll go to Aunt Peggy and Aunt Maria’s classes at the gym. Then at night we’ll eat ice cream. How’s that sound?”
“And play Chutes ‘n’ Ladders?”
Melinda groaned, causing Daisy to let out a giggle. “Okay, Chutes and Ladders too.”
Daisy hugged her once more. “Wǒ ài nǐ, Mommy.”
I love you. The phrase warmed her soul. “Wǒ ài nǐ, xiǎo huā.” Melinda set her down. “Now, finish your cereal.”
Daisy peered into her bowl and wrinkled her nose. “But it’s all squishy now.”
Melinda sighed and quickly began packing Daisy’s lunch away. Their little heart to heart (though she cherished every second of it) had left them with little time to linger. Looked like it was going to be another protein bar breakfast kind of morning.
“Okay, go get your shoes and backpack on, I’ll be right there.”
Melinda was sitting at her desk, reading through a few patient files and filling out paperwork when Natasha barged through her doorway, knocking once as if that was all the warning she needed.
“What are you waiting for?” Natasha demanded, hand on her hip.
“This mother’s latest report from her OB/GYN.” Melinda replied without looking up.
“I’m talking about Phil. You haven’t called him yet.”
Melinda finally lifted her head to roll her eyes. “I’ve been a little busy. And how did you even know about that?”
“Pepper told me.” Natasha sat on her desk, which she knew Melinda hated, and leaned on some of her papers. “Phil was one of Clint’s teachers in high school, so when he moved back here, Clint introduced us. I think you and Daisy would like him.”
“Good to know. Now get off my desk and go find someone to patch up.” Melinda knew what Natasha was doing. She was trying to annoy her into contacting the man.
“Are you going to call him?”
Melinda sighed. “Nat, you’re more of a four year old than Daisy is sometimes.”
Natasha folded her arms. “Well where do you think she gets it from?”
Melinda shook her head, concealing her smile. “For your information, I was going to call him today.”
“Hmm, well let me help you with that.” Nat swiped up her phone from her desk faster than she could blink and, moving just out of reach, began dialing Phil’s number.
“Natasha!” Melinda lunged and grabbed the phone back, but it had already started ringing. The glare Melinda sent the redhead would have caused every intern (and some doctors, for that matter) to apologize profusely and run the opposite way, but her friend just grinned back.
“You’re welcome!” Natasha called out as she left, shutting the door behind her.
Melinda huffed in annoyance, but quickly turned her attention to the phone...which had just stopped ringing.
“Hello?”
“Dr. May? Hi.” The man stuck his hand out, his blue eyes betraying some nervousness despite his easy smile. “Phil Coulson.”
“Most people just call me ‘May,’” Melinda stood briefly to shake his hand. “Thanks for agreeing to meet on such short notice.” She gestured for him to sit in the chair across from her before sitting back down.
Melinda chose her favorite breakfast cafe as a meeting spot for her interview with the renowned-yet-surprisingly-ordinary-looking Phil Coulson. The mid-morning sun peeking through a few clouds and the gentle breeze made for a very pleasant day for an outdoor brunch.
Phil thanked her as he seated himself, looking around the quaint patio and the rest of the cafe and nodding in appreciation. “I’ve never been here before, but I find that those little, lesser-known restaurants are usually the best ones, don’t you think?”
Melinda nodded in agreement, gazing at the property fondly. “I’ve been coming here for years. The owner, Sif, and her husband are good people.”
“How long have you lived here?” Phil asked, leaning forward with eager eyes.
Melinda cocked an eyebrow. “Aren’t I supposed to be the one asking questions here?”
“Oh-geez, yeah you’re right. Sorry.” Phil seemed to deflate slightly as he looked away from her to study his menu instead.
Melinda suppressed a smile at Phil’s obvious embarrassment. It was healthy to be a little nervous at an interview-it meant that he cared about what she thought about him.
All the same, Melinda could almost hear her mother’s voice in her head, chiding her for speaking without thinking first.
“It was just a joke, Mr. Coulson.” Melinda’s voice broke the silence. No need for him to already think the worst of her.
“Phil,” he responded immediately, looking back up at her. A slightly more cautious smile tugged one side of his mouth back up. “You can call me Phil.”
“Well, Phil, Pepper said you work at a bakery and substitute teach at a high school?” Melinda picked up her menu. “After we decide on what to eat, I’d like to hear about how you got into that.”
Melinda’s first observation was discovered less than a minute after ordering their food: Phil Coulson was a talker.
She listened, making internal notes of his appearance while he spoke: he had brown hair (thinning at the top), blue eyes (the blue button down he wore really made them stand out), average height (still a good amount of inches taller than her), nice smile and voice (sincere and pleasing), he wore a suit jacket over his dress shirt (disguising what appeared to be a strong set of arms). Hmm. Perhaps he wasn’t as ordinary as she thought he’d been when he walked up.
In fact, she mused to herself, he’s actually kind of attractive…
Was all of this information she needed to know about a nanny?
Probably not.
Melinda mentally shook herself and forced herself to tune back into Phil’s story. As his bacon and spinach quiche cooled on its plate, he told her about his difficulty in choosing a subject in college to focus on. He’d bounced around for a while until he’d finally graduated as the only history major with an excess amount of culinary electives. It was there, apparently, that he’d met and roomed with Tony Stark.
“Which was just as fun as you can imagine, if you know Tony at all.” Phil stated dryly. Melinda snorted in understanding before swallowing a forkful of her own ham and cheese quiche.
“Has he changed at all since then?” Melinda inquired.
Phil chewed a bite of his (nearly forgotten) food thoughtfully. “He likes to act the same as he did in college, but it’s more of a front now. He’s grown up a bit since then, thanks to Pepper and Fitz.”
Melinda scoffed again and muttered. “Could’ve fooled me.”
Phil grinned at her, and Melinda was surprised at how easy it was to smile back at him.
Sif chose that moment to swing by, refilling their drinks with expert precision. The brunette raised her eyebrows, glancing between her and Phil as she poured. “Enjoying everything?”
Melinda sent her a look, knowing exactly what she was hinting at.
The double meaning seemed to go right over Phil’s head as he nodded enthusiastically. “This quiche is delicious. Is there any way I could convince you to give me the recipe?”
Sif smiled. “I’ll speak to the cook.” She walked away to serve another guest, but not before throwing another smirk over her shoulder in Melinda’s direction.
She pretended not to notice.
“And after college?” Melinda prodded him.
“Oh, right. I taught history at a local high school here for a while. That was interesting since I was only a few years older than some of them. Then my father passed away suddenly and I moved back to my childhood home to be with my mom.” Phil’s eyes looked distant. “She helped me rediscover my love for baking, and she’s also the reason I came back here.” His smile was back, though it held a bit of embarrassment. “She basically kicked me out and forced me to pursue my idea of opening my own bakery.”
“She sounds like a great mom.”
“She is. She taught me a lot. She’s also the reason I love kids.” Phil fiddled with his fork. “She taught me to take care of them when I was still young myself. With a bunch of younger cousins, I was basically the family babysitter. Until, unfortunately, college forced me to retire from my budding career.”
Melinda let out a surprised chuckle at the joke. At the sound, Phil's blue eyes snapped quickly to hers and he beamed back, looking delighted with himself for causing her to laugh.
“I’ve been rambling. I’m sorry, I’ve been told I do that a lot.” Phil tilted his head as he looked at her. “What about yourself? And Daisy?”
“Daisy’s four, she’ll be five this July.” Melinda subtly ignored the prompt to speak about herself. It didn’t matter what Phil thought or knew about her personally, as long as he took good care of her daughter. This isn’t a date, it’s an interview, Melinda told herself firmly. She pulled out her phone as she spoke. “She loves dressing up, Chutes and Ladders, ice cream, and playing outside. Here’s a picture of her, in case you haven’t seen one yet.”
Phil studied the photo with a smile. “Yeah, I have seen some of you before, actually.” Melinda glanced at him quickly and watched his ears turned pink. “I mean you as in plural, like the two of you. Y’all, as some might say. Pepper and Natasha have shown me a few of you and Daisy.”
Melinda bit back a smile at his stammering. With anyone else, the admission might have sounded creepy, but with Phil it was almost...cute. In a dorky, kind of endearing sort of way.
Phil cleared his throat to break up the awkwardness. “She looks sweet.” He finally stated.
Melinda squashed down the urge to tease him, deciding it would be more professional to just ignore the exchange. “She is.” A little, affectionate smile crossed her lips as she looked at the picture. “She can also be a bit of a handful. Many of the other nannies found her difficult to keep up with.”
Melinda’s eyes suddenly focused above the picture to see the clock in bold letters. She nearly groaned aloud. When did it get so late? “I’m sorry, I need to go pick up Daisy from school now or she’ll be waiting on me.”
She stood up and grabbed her purse, then hesitated and considered Phil in front of her. He was now on his feet as well and he looked at her with slight concern in his eyes. “Would you...like to meet her?”
Phil’s eyes widened in surprise, but he quickly grinned and nodded. “I’d love to.”
#philinda#philinda fanfiction#phil coulson#melinda may#Daisy Johnson#natasha romanoff#mine#my fanfiction#agents of shield#seriously you guys!#each and every comment made me so happy it just warmed my whole heart!#I just hope you guys continue to like it-as sappy as it'll get! haha#THEY'RE JUST SO CUTE I CAN'T TAKE IT#philindaisy#the coulson family#nanny au
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Fool’s Assassin: Fitz and the Fool Rundown
OH MY GOD @sonnetscrewdriver
Plot/Narrative/Setting:
Uhhhh, holy SHIT???
Now, I know I’ve consumed these Elderling books in a rapid fashion but this one I friggin’ devoured.
I loved it so much, so many aspects of this first book I completly adored and got very emotional over.
Plot aspects and writing aspects.
Bee’s first chapter from her perspective?!
Oh my god you guys I had to put the book down and wander about my house in a glow for a bit, but I’ll come back to that in a little while.
For now I just wanna say that I feel a little vindicated! Heh.
I said it felt like Blood of Dragons was leaning into another book and that feels true here, especially thematically - at least with how I viewed the end of Rain Wilds anyways.
The fresh baby Elderlings are going to have time to grow and look back on their past and their experiences and see them anew; time is it’s own change but in The Rain Wilds Chronicles the young keepers couldn’t see past their own immediate trials and tribulations, and had no need or desire to do so. They’re young.
Fitz and the Fool seems it will focus on change and we all know every Elderling series is about change, duhdoy - but this time around the variation on theme seems to be “reflection as change”.
And this is being done in really interesting ways I’m gobbling up!
Looking back and reflecting on the past can’t change the past but it can change the observer, it can shift our perspective and self understanding.
Experience and time changes how we feel about our personal stories, changes how we feel about ourselves and our actions and choices and is a willing practice most people indulge in as they age.
And then there are children.
Children are a near constant form of self reflection; parenting is a daily grind through one’s own childhood memories and habits and looking at yourself and experience through your parent’s eyes as well as your newly acquired parent lenses - it is very intense.
Raising children is achingly sweet, oddly nostalgic, uniquely frustrating, guilt draining, and terrifying. Trust me.
And I don’t imagine there are many experiences that forces someone to be as introspective and unwillingly mining and measuring their own life as much as raising children does. It’s a type of change where your sense of control is lacking to nonexistent.
Parenting is basically adolescence 2.0 okay?
Nobody knows what they’re doing the first time around and all the experience in the world won’t prepare you for the amazing differences each child possesses. Parenting is just an adaptive process of change on the go.
So far the Fitz and the Fool series seems to be focusing on these two particular types of change by merging parenting’s hyper focused self-evaluation with the natural backward glance of ageing into a snowball of dread (and I assume later acceptance).
It’s fantastic stuff!
Fitz
I feel as if my personal prayers have been answered.
I’m so over the moon that Fitz is a professional wayward child collector, it’s so beautiful I can’t stand it!
When reading Tawny Man I thought “You know what would be great? Fitz adopting more children” - a thought I had AFTER he married Molly and thus had like nine kids already.
HehehehhaaahahAHAHAHABAAAAHAHAH!
This is my favorite Fitz.
Still making poor choices driven by self isolation of course, you can’t teach an old wolf new tricks evidently, but still my favorite Fitz so far.
So much calmer.
Quick to listen and slow to speak.
Empathetic, less paranoid.
A sturdy man.
Retirement suited Fitz, and I’m so glad his edges softened and his eyes adjusted to the light.
I want him to keep his found peace and take it with him through this new gauntlet of horrible happenings, I believe in him.
It’s a little upsetting Fitz still doesn’t believe in himself, or rather he doesn’t believe in others.
Fitz is still afraid of what he can’t immediately control; doesn’t see his friendships clearly; and takes up more responsibility then he can handle without asking for help.
Frankly, after Molly’s death Fitz isn’t a very adaptive parent.
He tries! He does, and if time was on his side I think Fitz and Bee would have built something wonderful and symbiotic.
PS Molly was so real in this book. So warm and defined in my mind, I grew to really see her. Devastated!
Bee
Oh my sweet summer child!
We’ve broken into a new perspective! For the first time we see Fitz from the outside! I LOVE IT.
I also love Bee.
I really love Bee.
On the Fitz side of things I’m pleased with how he is now; on the Bee side of things I think there was a lot Fitz could have done and didn’t when it comes to his younger daughter.
Much of what Bee knows and understands of her Father (and other adults around her) is from her own observations and intelligence, not from him sharing information with her directly.
Most informative communication between father and daughter is instigated by Bee.
And that’s frustrating. I’m frustrated on Bee’s behalf.
I’m frightened for her now as well!
Oh Bee, stay save.
Be smart.
The Fool
*anguished war cry*
Shun
Shun obviously has problems and I’m doing my best to not hold anything against her.
If she can she needs to get her shit together and sooner would be better than later.
She’s going to need herself and Bee isn’t going to admit it but she’ll need her too.
God I hope Shun rises to the occasion of total survival - I’m on your team Shun! You can do it!
Lant
What the fuck lol?
Who is this clown?
Shun is a mess but Lant is a disaster. What’s his deal?
Thankful for small miracles that Shun went with Bee - cause these two were getting chummy and I’m pretty sure they’re brother and sister or something.
Bee’s observation during dinner one night about how Shun and Lant were like mirrors of each other is going to ring true I’d wager.
AND I BLAME CHADE.
I hope this kid turns around and becomes helpful, otherwise I’m cool if he stays home.
Highlighted Passages
Time is an unkind teacher, delivering lessons that we learn far too late for them to be useful.
A tiny motion caught my eye. It wasn’t much. Steady had opened his mouth and then shut it again. It was not much of a trail but I’d pursue it. I looked at him suddenly, pointed my finger, and demanded, “What did Chade tell you not to tell anyone?”
At intervals throughout my life, I had tried to record all I had seen and done. And often enough I’d had to hastily destroy those accounts when I feared they would fall into the wrong hands. I winced as I thought of it. I only regret the time I spent writing them when I had to burn them. I think of all the time I spent carefully writing, only to have it burn to ash in a matter of minutes. But you always began again. Writing it down. I almost laughed aloud. I did. And each time I’ve done so, I’ve found that the story changed as my perspective on life changed.
I had been young, I excused myself, and who does not put himself in the best possible light when he presents his tale to someone he loves? Or his excuses to someone he has wronged.
It was a very good life I had. When melancholy overtook me, I knew it was not for anything in my present, but only darkness from the past. And those bleak regrets were only memories, powerless to hurt me. I thought of that, and yawned suddenly. I could sleep now, I decided.
A part of me did not wish to leave her when her mind was so unsettled, and another part of me longed for a respite from indulging her delusion. I called Revel aside and asked that he pay special attention to her requests while I was gone. He looked almost offended that I thought such a command necessary. “As ever, sir,” he said, and added his stiff little bow that meant, You idiot.
I was almost annoyed at her for spoiling my perfectly good sulk. And that was when I realized that was what I had been doing. I’d been sulking because the Fool had sent letters to Jofron and not to me. And like a child, I’d been testing the people who loved me, pulling away from them almost for the sole reason of seeing if anyone would come after me.
I did not begrudge Molly her years of marriage to Burrich. He had been a good man for her. But this was like a slow knife turning in me, to watch them recollect an experience I would never have. I stared at them, the outsider again. And then, as if a curtain had lifted or a door opened, I realized that I excluded myself.
“Fitz! Must you always leap from one imagined disaster to another? Listen to what I’m actually saying, which is that I don’t know what path Nettle chose for herself. But if she is alone now, it is because she chose to be alone, not because someone decreed it for her. Her life is hers to live, not yours to repair.”
Ah, I do not know what comfort anyone could offer me, save to let me say these things aloud and not recoil in horror from my heartlessness.
There would never again be anyone like her. Never anyone who would love us so completely, with so little reason.
I reined my heart away from exploring those losses. It was one of my faults, one that Molly had sometimes rebuked me for indulging. If one bad thing befell me, I immediately linked it to every bad thing that had happened in the last week or might happen in the coming week. And when I became sad, I was prone to wallow in grief, piling up my woes and sprawling on them like a dragon on a hoard. I needed to focus on what I had, not what I had lost. I needed to remember there was a tomorrow, and I had just committed myself to someone else’s tomorrow as well.
There was a danger in asking too much of a child, but the danger of asking too little was almost equal.
Like him, I bore some scars from the things we had exploded together. Just as we had this girl’s life.
I think I decided that night that the discomfort of being close to him was preferable to standing away from the only person in the world who I knew loved me. I suspect that at some point he had made the same decision.
In many places Patience had written scathingly skeptical notes about the veracity of what she was reading. Often they made me giggle uncontrollably: It was a glimpse into her that no one else had shared with me. Her notes were fading, so I renewed them in black ink as I found them.
I felt a flash of anger toward Chade at the bubbling kettle he had sent to my home. Who would be scalded when she finally boiled over?
“It’s too short to braid. I cut it because my mother died.” I looked at her directly for one instant. Shun met my gaze coldly. Then she said, “I can only wish my mother were dead. I think it would make my life easier.” I stared at her knees. Her words cut me and I tried to understand why. After a moment it came to me. She considered her pain more significant than mine.
I suspected that in her thoughtless wretchedness she could employ cruelty such as I had never experienced from an adult.
The best an assassin can do is create a setting in which he does not have to witness the pain he causes.
We live in our bodies. An assault on that outside fortress of the mind leaves scars that may not show, but never heal.
I hugged my knees tightly to my chest, pulling them in hard, wishing I could break my own legs. Wishing I could destroy myself so I could escape these terrible feelings.
“I will always take your part, Bee. Right or wrong. That is why you must always take care to be right, lest you make your father a fool.”
I could be my father’s daughter. Impervious to what he had done. Sure of my own worthiness. I lifted my chin.
FitzVigilant had failed as an assassin, so Chade had assumed he would do better as a scribe and teacher. And I had gone along with such a crooked piece of logic. Why? Did either of us believe that teaching children might be easier than killing them?
“Torture strips one of all dignity. Pain can make you shriek, or beg, or soil yourself. There is no privacy when your enemies own you and have no compunction, no human compunction at all about what they will do to you. So, among my friends, yes. Privacy is still an obsession. And a gift from them. A restoration in small part of what dignity I once had.”
I bowed my head to that. After a moment, she added, “People love you far more than you deserve, Tom Badgerlock. But you don’t even believe that they love you at all.” I was still pondering that when she added, “And I am one of those people.”
“Nettle, I’m so—”
“Say it again and I’ll hit you. I don’t care who is watching. If I could ask one thing of you, it would be that you never say those stupid words again.”
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out of the lab ;
s7e01 liveblog thoughts under the cut!
listen. thor. please get off my screen. you’re nice but you’re not iain.
i doNT CARE ABOUT THOR AND THIS IS THE WORST THOR MOVIE FUCK OFF
okay thor credits are rolling, here we go, i got six minutes
FUCK I GOTTA FINISH THE FIC
im so excited im gonna piss myself
okay ive seen this clip, this is where the chronicom steals the cop’s face
they released this like a year ago
aight but this chronicom is lowkey attractive
the oldtimey credits im screaming
JEMMA BABY YASS
this jemma can top me. can this jemma top me.
daisy with the button slam, i love you baby
“hey guys” WOOPS THERE ARE TEARS
“why is no one talking. oh hey. im digging the hair” WE STAN ONE FATHER
oh coulson remembers dying :(
he’s panicking
jemma is also definitely panicking
“fitz! oh god!” NO DONT DO THAT TO ME
mack you are getting on my nerves already and lowkey hope he doesnt survive the season
OH YES PLEASE JEMMA TELL US THINGS
nnnot the things i wanted to hear
MAY
OH THE LAB IS HOT. I LIKE THIS LAB. THIS IS HOT.
enoch with the headphones i love him
THE TOOL WITH THE 17 IM GONNA CRY
“last time you got stupid drunk and ended up in jail”
mack being the hardass dad telling daisy the purple hair has to go
“simmons… how long have we been apart” “too long” JEMMA THATS A NON ANSWER I DONT LIKE THAT
oh mack you dick i dont like you, stop that
the getting dressed is Hot
daisy you did NOT dye your hair back that fast
“happens all the time in canada”
oh daisy is So ready to kick some 1930s ass
enoch doing some crazy surgery with may
simmons looks so tired
oh this is that guy
OH YOU’RE HOT
YOU’RE VERY HOT SIR
deke is so sassy i love it
deke NO
daisy please kick the asses of these men
YAS
“how many agents are here’ “enough” that was a good line i gotta admit that
OKAY WE QUAKIN
“yes, yes, i’m very proud” lmao
okay this hot guy looks like ward, a little, and im. very very worried
“im already dead” “wh- hell, i’m not”
where’s sousa. i wanna see sousa
YES
YAS FUCKIN YES BITCH. PATTON OSWALT BITCH
yoyo got the new arms thats great but i dont? i really just dont like yoyo that much anymore
jemma baby why are we sads
“fitz said he sent me a message but im not entirely sure how to find it. … he’s safe, but i miss him.”
im very upset i want fitz. i want to see fitz.
okay mack is Not ready to be dealing with the racism
oh fdr. interesting.
oh yes. daisy in that dress. i would like that hmmmmmmMM
“dad jokes. it’s a glitch” im CACKLING
aww i just checked the livestream and jedmo are there
jemma definitely needs to take out some aggression
and i love her for it
yas queen
but i want fitz
NEVERMIND I WANT DAISY IN THAT DRESS i love you please top me
MENTIONING THE LETTER, I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW THE CONTENTS GOOD SIR
“very nice letter, may even let you read it sometime”
oh fdr is walking
“careful your fanboy is showing”
aw fdr
okay who this lady
OKAY WHO IS FREDDY NOW IM WORRIED
oh chronicom dude melted
okay its back and im worried about this freddy guy
im very worried this guy is related to ward
what is that
green vials of what
“what is it” “the future” oh fuck you that’s such a shit line
oh yes daisy kick that ASS
oh coulson is so badass
im tempted to call him chronicoulson but that takes too long to type
okay i dont understand the “1930s baseball reference” im?
what am i missing there
“wow you’re right this one really sucks”
old man malick
GOD DAMMIT, HE’S NOT WARD BUT HE’S HYDRA
fuck me
where’s fitz
okay we get the one last scene
I DONT WANT TO THINK ABOUT THE UCONN KILLER WHY ARE THE COMMERCIALS SO LOUD
OKAY LAST SCENE
ENOCH WHAT ARE WE DOING
“oh dear”
WHAT
oh may is missing
“you had one job enoch, one job”
OH MAY IS ON THE CEILING THATS NICE
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