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withleeknow · 2 months

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wishful thinking. (05)

chapter five: say what you mean

summary: the instruction was plain and simple: no strings attached. but you should’ve known from the beginning that it could never apply to you and him.

pairing: minho x f!reader rating: 18+ (minors dni) genres/warnings: friends to lovers, friends with benefits au, college au; fluff, angst, smut; mentions of sex, kissing, we’re starting to dip our toes into angsty territory !!, less edited than i’d like but what’s new lol word count: 2.8k

as always, i’d appreciate any thoughts or comments you may have, and please drop a like and/or reblog if you enjoy reading ♡

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Get me a drink, I get drunk off one sip, just so I can adore you I want the entire street out of town just so I can be alone with you Now go when you’re ready My head’s getting heavy, pressed against your arm Just to adore you, I adore you

Adore - Dean Lewis

Whenever Minho asks if you two could hang out together at your place, it usually means that you will end up in your bed.

Tonight you suppose is no different.

Even though you often cap off the night having engaged in activities that could make the Victorian lady in Hyunjin faint, it’s not all that you do. Both you and Minho never let yourselves forget that you’re friends first and foremost. Sex is the added benefit that should never take anything away from your friendship. He is still one of the people you’re most comfortable with, one of the few people whose company you enjoy.

You’re sprawled out on the couch in your small living room when Minho returns from the kitchen with a plate of freshly peeled tangerines, the same ones that he brought over earlier. You push yourself to half-sit up so he could squeeze himself between you and the armrest, before you go back to laying your head on his lap as you two resume watching a bad movie that you put on.

“I hate this so much,” you comment, your eyes glued to the TV screen.

“You picked the movie,” Minho says. “It’s not that bad. The plot is kind of decent.”

“I’m not talking about that. Jeez, if they wanted to make a movie where the main character is a graphic designer, you’d think that they would at least consult someone who knows literally anything about visual art. Look at that horrendous typography job, the text isn’t even aligned with the edges and corners. This is hurting my soul.”

Your cushions (Minho’s thighs) shake lightly as he laughs at your dramatic outburst over something as trivial as a fictional character’s poor standards of digital art. But you really aren’t kidding; the way the woman on screen is butchering the text alignment is quite literally making that very particular part of your brain want to shut down for the next five to seven business days.

“They should’ve consulted you first, is that right?” Minho asks.

“They really should have. I could’ve done wonders for them,” you say matter-of-factly. “I almost majored in graphic design, y’know.”

You have a habit of biting your tongue around others because you know that people don’t really care about the same things you do. Whenever the opportunity arises for you to share tidbits about your interests, excitement would tumble out of you only to be quashed soon after when no one wants to listen to your silly little rambles. It’s disheartening, you’re used to it.

But you never feel that way around Minho. He always lets you babble on about anything and everything, even if he might not know what the hell you’re talking about. He indulges you. He never makes you feel neglected or ignored.

“Hmm, my little genius artist.” He taps your cheek once, and when you turn your head to glance at him, he tells you to open up before he slips a slice of tangerine past your lips. “You’re right. Even I can tell that it’s horrendous.”

You hum appreciatively when the sweetness of the juicy fruit floods your tastebuds. Minho’s hand trails down your arm to rest on your stomach, just below your ribs where he fiddles with the worn fabric of your sleep shirt. If he moves his hand up, he would be grazing your bare chest underneath your shirt. You didn’t bother with a bra because, well, comfort above all else, especially within the four walls of your own home. Besides, it’s nothing that Minho hasn’t seen anyway.

He keeps on feeding you tangerines in between your complaints about bad design standards until the movie ends and the plate is cleared. The only sound in the room is the soft music on the TV as the credits start to roll.

You turn to lie on your back, staring up at Minho. “That was deeply disturbing.”

“You chose it,” he reminds you. “You went in knowing what the premise was.”

“Yeah, I have no one to blame but me. I had too much faith in humanity.”

“And you call me weird.”

“You are weird,” you say. “But I like weird.”

Minho looks down at you and for a moment, he says nothing. His fingers trace something on your stomach. A heart or an odd circle, you don’t know; you’re always bad at deciphering those. His eyelids fall a bit, softening the usual sharpness of his gaze.

Then he’s pulling you by your shoulders, guiding you to sit up and before you know it, you’re situated on his lap with one of his hands on your waist, the other on the back of your neck. Minho tugs you closer, meeting your lips in a kiss in which you waste no time returning.

He’s sweet, like the tangerines that you were sharing all evening. It tends to start like this - sort of randomly, whenever it feels right. He squeezes your side in a comforting gesture as his tongue slips into your mouth. There are times where it’s more urgent, where one of you is needy and desperately seeks the escape and release that can only be found in the other’s embrace. Other times, it’s slower, more gentle, where you can really focus on making each other feel fully satiated.

This, right now - you would pinpoint somewhere in the middle. There’s no fiery clothes-ripping urge, nor a need to lay the other person bare and knead every single knot of stress from their system. Today, there’s just languid wanting; an unhurried inclination to be close.

Him and his tangerine flavored kiss, you and your resolve built on shaky foundation.

You start rolling your hips over his, tugging on his shirt because you want to feel his skin against yours. Minho stops you though; he puts both hands on your hips and pulls his lips away from yours. You blink, dazed, confused.

“I...” he starts, trying to even out his breathing as he finds the words. “I don’t want to have sex tonight.”

Embarrassment instantly washes over you. The rejection is a little humiliating; it’s the first time you’ve ever felt like this around him. Your cheeks catch fire from the mortification, and you’re very aware that you’re still sitting in his lap, right over his crotch.

Wanting to climb off of him and just fucking bury yourself in a ditch, you start stuttering like an absolute fool, “Oh... Y-yeah, no, of course! Shit, shit, I’m sorry. Of course we don’t have t-”

Minho holds you in place, one of the hands on your hips goes to cup your cheek to make you look at him. It effectively shuts you right up.

“Sorry. I shouldn’t have phrased it like that,” he says, his thumb brushing over your cheekbone in an earnest apology. “I just want to keep kissing you. Is that okay?”

You’re at a loss for words. He’s holding your face, your waist, so delicately. He looks drunk on your presence alone even though neither of you have had a single drop of alcohol tonight, so sincere in his simple request that you feel your heart swell tenfold.

You want it too. You’re more than okay with just kissing him.

You don’t answer him verbally. Instead, you just nod and move to kiss him again, your hands tangled in his soft hair. The sweetness of the tangerines grows more and more distant as you chase his lips, but you can taste his smile. It’s infinitely more saccharine, and it only grows sweeter when he holds you close and knocks the breath out of you.

When you pull away for air, you slump against him, hiding your face in the crook of his face, shy all of a sudden. He keeps you there but continues with his onslaught of kisses - on your hair, your cheek, your neck, anywhere his lips can reach. Like he simply can’t get enough of you.

“You really like kissing,” you comment, giggling quietly as you do. “Even when we… y’know, bone.”

“Bone? You’re so romantic, babe.” You feel the rumbles of Minho’s chest as he lets out a hearty laugh, the sound of which fills the space of your modest home, embeds itself in every nook and crevice, in between every minuscule crack in your walls until the whole place feels warmer, brighter somehow. “Are you complaining?”

“No... just pointing it out.”

“Well, I like kissing you,” he says. “You’re not a terrible kisser, I guess.”

You sit up straighter and catch the teasing grin on his face before you roll your eyes. “Gee, thanks. You really know how to sweet talk a girl.”

“Says the girl who uses ‘bone’ to describe sex.”

“It’s a perfectly good euphemism for ‘sex’.”

“You might as well just say ‘boink’.”

“Literally shut up.”

“Sure.”

Then he’s pressing his mischievous smile against your mouth once more, and you can’t really wrap your mind around how it’s even possible that he keeps getting sweeter and sweeter. His sugary kisses send warmth tingling up your spine, make a fluttery sensation erupt in your stomach. You’re lightheaded, and not the kind that can be remedied by a sufficient fix of blood oxygen.

Even though you’re perfectly content with kissing, there’s a certain implication that comes with only kissing that you’re not sure what to do with. He’s literally inside of you on a weekly basis and yet, this feels much more intimate than anything you two have ever done.

Because friends don’t kiss each other the way he’s kissing you right now. Friends don’t kiss each other the way you’re kissing him back.

A chime from your phone breaks you two apart, the intrusion forcing a mildly frustrated grunt from Minho. You find the mobile device hidden between the cushions of your couch, and after you quickly scan the notification on the screen, you tell him, “It’s Hyunjin.”

“What did I say? It’s always him at the scene of the crime,” Minho mutters, speaking in the same tone that one would when their sibling interrupts a round of their favorite video game. “What does he want?”

“Just wants me to send him a photo of the sample portfolio from our class.”

“Ignore him. He can wait.”

“He’ll call me if I don’t reply.”

“He’s so annoying,” Minho grumbles but loosens his hold on you nonetheless. “Hurry back.”

“It’ll only take a minute, you big baby,” you chuckle, pressing a swift peck to his lips before you get up from the couch and head toward your bedroom with your phone in hand, searching for the binder that Hyunjin is asking about.

Once you’ve snapped the picture and sent it to your friend, you return to the living room. When Minho hears your footsteps, he holds out an arm, silently beckoning you into his embrace again. And you do. You slide into the space next to him, slotting perfectly against his side.

Your fingers absentmindedly trace along his forearm until they reach his wrist. “This is pretty,” you say, touching the thin link bracelet that he always wears, the one with a small charm hanging off the center in the simple outline of a dove.

“You like it? I’ve had it for ages.”

“Mhmm, it suits you.”

A moment passes where you both sit in silence as you fiddle with the gold jewelry, and you can feel Minho’s eyes on your face the entire time. After a while, he pries your fingers off his skin, only to swiftly take off the trinket.

“No, Min. What are you doing?”

He doesn’t answer you. You attempt (in vain) to pull your wrist back but Minho is stronger. He holds it in place as he clasps the chain around your wrist.

“Minho, you are not giving me your bracelet.”

“Relax. It’s not like it was passed down from my great-great-grandfather. It’s just a random bracelet I bought when I was 18.”

“Why would you even give me your bracelet?”

He shrugs, as though he’s merely doing something as simple as letting you borrow you a pen. “It looks good on you.”

You look down to where his hand is still on your skin, his thumb gently sliding over your pulse point as he admires how the dainty gold reflects the dim lighting in your home.

And he’s right. It does look good, but he probably doesn’t mean it in the same way that you’re thinking of right now. You think it looks good because it’s something that belongs to him that’s now wrapped snugly around your wrist, like some sort of affirmation spoken in a language that only the two of you can understand.

Minho leans over and presses his warm lips to your forehead. It takes you by surprise, the way he does it as if it’s second nature to be this affectionate with you. It’s a tipping point, then suddenly your thoughts are running rampant.

The instruction has always been plain and simple: No strings attached.

But...

The chaste kisses with no expectation of sex, being protective when you’re in the presence of other guys, even giving you his bracelet to wear just because you said it was pretty.

Why do all of these sound an awful lot like strings?

You hesitate, then you ask, “What are we doing?”

“Hmm? You wanna watch another movie?”

“No, that’s not... What are we doing?” You don’t even know what word to put more emphasis on.

Minho looks at you and loosens his fingers. What he can’t understand through your words, you think he sees it in your eyes. “Say what you mean.”

“Are we friends?”

“Of course we are.”

“Are we still friends?”

“Do you not want to be friends anymore?” He cracks a smile, but you can tell that he’s just doing it to lighten you up. “You have terrible timing. I literally just gave you a bracelet.”

“Friends don’t do that.”

“Friends don’t give each other bracelets?”

“Friends don’t kiss like that.”

Minho seems a bit taken aback, though he regains his composure in mere seconds, his voice calm as he tells you, “Friends don’t have sex either.”

“What are you saying?”

“I don’t know. What are you saying? You brought it up.”

You open your mouth, only to subsequently close it because your thoughts were never really that coherent in the first place. You look away from him to glance down at your wrist.

“You’re being confusing,” Minho says quietly, honestly.

“I just… I don’t want anything to change.”

“Did anything change for you?” he asks.

“No,” is what you tell him after a long minute, when what you really mean to say is I don’t know. You can see it as it happens, some stars fading from his eyes, some light growing more faint in his irises. Though the despondence on his face disappears so fast that you’re not sure if it was even there at all, or if it was only a figment of your imagination.

Then you throw the question back at him. “Did anything change? For you?”

Minho’s answer is the same as yours - a clear No - and yet, it makes you feel like you’ve been punctured by something sharp. You don’t know why your heart drops upon hearing him say the exact same thing that you did, but you try not to let it show on your face. Your poker face isn’t anywhere as good as his, but you hope that it’s enough.

You give him a tight-lipped smile and nod a little.

“Then nothing’s changed.” He strokes your hair, emphasizing his point with a soft smile as he reassures you, “And nothing has to change. It’s a bracelet, don’t overthink it. We’re good.”

Sometimes, the decisions you make are bad because you can foresee the outcomes, or at least, you have an idea of the consequences will be later on and yet, you still choose to go through with it anyway.

Just like how you chose to watch a movie you knew would drive you crazy with its trivial details, you choose to accept the feeling of Minho’s bracelet around your wrist. You choose to believe him when he said nothing has changed, and that nothing has to change. You choose to sweep under the rug the thoughts that you’ve been having about him lately. You choose to overlook the reason why you’ve been having those thoughts instead of facing it head-on because you’re terrified of what you’d find if you dig deeper.

You choose to let the conversation end here though it still lingers in your mind, and you choose to let him kiss you goodnight when he leaves because tonight has already been a series of bad decision after bad decision anyway.

And when you fall asleep, it’s the soothing coolness of the golden dove against your skin that lulls you to slumber, like he’s here right beside you to hold you through the night.

permanent taglist: @onlyycb97wife @starsandrqindrops @borahae-reads @abbiestearsricochet @cutiespaghetti @anthropologykpopmultistan @moonlinos @mjnhoz @caitlyn98s @piercidh34rts @stayceebs97 @linocz @yaorzu-blog @biribarabiribbaem @kayleefriedchicken @extrhotjne @caitxx1 @palindrome969 @todorokiskitten @azuna-sz @meanergreener @nxzz-skz @jazziwritesthings @poutypoutybin @bookyeom (italicized = can’t tag)

series taglist: @eyesforlino @armystay89 @nuronhe @becomingmina @astro-doll-the-star @hyuneyeon @jisunglyricist @yoontaethings @thisisnotjacinta @cupidcure @wyzminho

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reidslovely · 1 year

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Hi Bambi! Sorry this is late, but I’m always down to talk about Peter 🕸️❤️ How do you think he’d handle a “there’s only one bed” situation?? I can’t decide if he’d be cocky or awkward lol, but probably both

So glad you’re getting back in the swing of things! (Pun intended)

abby always a joy to see you in my inbox!! and it is not at all late (if anyone is late it is me hehe) requests will be open for quite a while!! i think that this is a very complex question i feel like peter would be too cocky about it to cover up how excited he'd be to share the bed. but at the same time your friends sooo it would be weird right??? let me walk you through it.

please reblog or comment when you like!!<3

Peter Parker ever since you had known him was very shy, and couldn't talk his way out of a wet paper bag around girls. Not in elementary school or middle, and definitely not in high school. Maybe that's why you found the boy next door to be such an interesting person. Nearly six foot tall, eyes that could win any girl over, yet anytime he opens his mouth...pure word vomit. Peter Parker in college was the same, yet by this point he had done the whole boyfriend girlfriend thing and learned to hide his nervousness behind shitty flirting and the cockiness that seemingly flew out of nowhere the middle of senior year.

However that shield broke the moment you checked into the beachside hotel.

It was a gorgeous hotel sitting on the beachfront of Ocean City. Peter had booked the first hotel that popped up, and got the cheapest room they had moments after planning the impromptu spring break trip. However, opening the door he realized why a four night stay was so cheap for two people. A single bed sat in the middle of the pale blue room, the duvet a soft yellow with flowers sitting on the bed.

“Oh I fucked up.” Peter mumbled laughing, tossing a quick glance at you. Hopefully you hadn’t thought this was a part of some long pawn he’d been playing to get you to fall into bed with him after all these years. Making a mental note to have May or you book a hotel for the next trip if there would ever be another trip after this. “Mhm, big time” You teased back sitting on the soft memory foam of the king bed. Peter rolled his eyes playfully, sticking his tongue to his teeth shaking his head.

“You mean you don’t want to sleep with me? Could have fooled me.”

Peter felt like his skin was on fire, he was praying you couldn’t see how red his face was.

You scoffed, eyes following him around the room. “Hey you’re the one who looks like you’re about to burst into flames.” Mhm he was not hiding it well. “Well you’re passing up the chance of a lifetime, there are plenty of girls who would be dying to be where you are right now missy.”

Peter states smugly, placing his hands on the back of his neck, making his torso a perfect target for you to hit him with the pillow you were holding on your lap. “Okay okay I’m serious.” He defends throwing it back, the pillow landing at your feet. “I don’t have the money to afford another room and still be an active participant on this trip so…” He thinks for a moment looking at the couch resting at the foot of the bed. “We can share a bed Peter.”

The words made him want to giggle and kick his feet like a cartoon character. He hid a smirk forming on his lips, clearing his throat. “I mean I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.” “We used to share beds as kids.” You stated like it was no big deal. The two of you did share beds a lot until around middle school. Peter remembers being scared of sleeping on your floor so you’d let him into your bed at sleepovers, or Peter insisting that it was ungentlemanly to let you not have the bed at his house so the only explanation was to share.

“Yeah but we were kids, now we are…”

He was getting shy, and he felt so silly over it. Would sharing a bed really change nearly twenty years of friendship?

“Fine, since you’re begging me to sleep with you. I’d be so evil to deny you.” Peter sighs like it is the most annoying situation ever. Hours at the beach took his mind off of what tonight would bring. He got excited and flattered at the thought of sleeping next to you, and felt like he was a kid in the science museum again. Once you both returned to the hotel Peter let you shower while he tried to figure out the best way to go about this. He turned the TV on to kill his mind a little bit, he lies in multiple different ways trying to make it seem as normal as possible yet he felt silly.

Nothing felt natural.

Until you got in the bed with him. Your head on his shoulder as you scrolled on your phone, Peter watching the TV glancing at you occasionally. His hand rubbing your side slowly makes his heart flutter, instinctively he buries his head in your wet hair smiling at the videos on your phone.

“What are you doing weirdo?”

“I love you..I love this.”

He whispers, nudging his nose against your head, it falls out so perfectly. It makes the moment even more perfect. You laugh, not out of disgust or shock but it is a laugh of relief. He sinks down into the bed pulling you with him, holding you closer. Pete hums awaiting a response watching you put your phone down.

“If I knew getting you into bed with me would be what made you finally confess I would have used that years ago.” “Mhm well..y’know what they say.”

“What do they say?”

“Usually I love you too” He snickered, pushing hair from your forehead kissing softly.

“Go to bed” You laugh smacking his chest. Peter hums holding you closer, closing his eyes, head still in your hair. Against his skin hears and feels your soft reply of

“I love you too.”

🩵

hope that tickles your itch abby

forgot to do the taglist on the last few posts but doesn't really matter because some of those I tag never really interact with the fic lol.

@helloheyhihowdyheya @toomanyfictionalboyfriends @megmehz @sincericida @andrews-lovr @eevylynn @a-lumos-in-the-nox

#tasm peter parker x reader #tasm peter parker #tasm andrew garfield #tasm peter #tasm peter x reader #tasm!peter imagine #tasm peter smut #tasm!peter x you #tasm!peter x reader #tasm spiderman #tasm spiderman x reader #tasm fanfiction #peter parker x y/n #peter parker blurb

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perhaps-in-anotherdream · 21 days

Text

[CN] Li Zeyan’s MQ: Burning Imprints (Eng Translation) - Part 2

⌚Warning⌚ This post contains detailed spoilers for a mind quest, 灼痕, that is yet to be released on the global server! ♡

✦ Part 1 || Part 2 || ASMR

🔞 Additional Warning 🔞 Same old but more severe warning this time LOL. The steamy parts of the MQ are as explicit as they can get, i.e., some of the most explicit stuff you’ll read in a CN otome game right now, so if you don’t qualify for the game’s 17+ rating (CN server), I’d very highly recommend that you don’t proceed under the cut~ :>

•─────⋅◍♡◍⋅─────•

Read part 1: here!

──

【CHAPTER 5】

The pitter-patter of water in the shower ceases. I wipe my dripping wet hair as I walk to the mirror, raising my hand to clear away the damp mist from its surface.

During the movement, I inadvertently trigger a slight twinge in my sore shoulders. I let out a soft hiss and pick up my phone, intending to search for effective ways to alleviate weariness.

My peripheral vision falls upon the work group that has been silent for several days, causing me to pause mid-gaze.

I wonder if the layout of the remaining placement sites is too discreet; it seems like the progress in collecting the bracelets has hit a snag lately.

For several consecutive days, there hasn’t been anyone coming to the “Elven Emissaries” to register with their bracelets. The operations of all the other projects are running seamlessly, with no slip-ups requiring documentation.

My schedule has become increasingly free. Every day, I accompany Li Zeyan to explore the restaurants on the island, trying all kinds of dishes prepared from locally sourced ingredients.

Alternatively, we also engage in activities such as diving, parasailing and so on, having a blast to our heart’s content before returning to our little cabin hand in hand, basking in the warmth of the evening breeze.

The relaxed ambiance has gradually allowed me to unwind from the intermittent stress that work brings, making me feel as if I’m truly on vacation.

I close the browser on my phone, lazily comb through my still-damp hair with my fingertips, and push the bathroom door open a crack.

MC: Li Zeyan, my waist is still sore.

MC: Not feeling up for vigorous activities today. How about we go for a spa treatment or a Thai massage to relax instead?

There is no response in my ears, but the intermittent sound of his voice can be faintly heard.

LZY (on the call): At this stage, if the bracelet is found, just directly… no need to…

LZY (on the call): As for the remaining progress, just wait for…

Progress, bracelet… Why does it sound like this is related to the collection task?

–

Without delay, I gently push the door ajar, finding Li Zeyan seated on the chair, his gaze lowered as he looks at his iPad.

With one hand supporting his Bluetooth headset, he occasionally swipes across the screen, appearing to be ruminating about something.

Upon hearing my voice, Li Zeyan lifts his head in my direction. I point at the screen for him, silently mouthing the words––

MC: [mouthing] Let– me– have– a– look– too––

I snuggle into his arms in the most familiar practice, intending to take a closer look at what he is up to.

However, Li Zeyan smoothly turns the iPad to face the other direction, his voice maintaining its composure as he continues to inquire through the earpiece.

LZY: [gives you a teasing glance before redirecting his gaze] What’s the new development you mentioned?

Confused about what’s going on, I move myself to the side he has shifted the device to. But Li Zeyan, as if on purpose, raises his arm at an unhurried pace.

LZY: [tosses you another mischievous glance before withdrawing] Continue.

It’s quite a rare sight to have him act in such a childish manner. I freeze for a moment, my initial curiosity now spiking to its maximum.

After thinking for a while, I resort to being a rascal and simply seat myself in Li Zeyan’s lap, attempting to suppress him in this manner.

Li Zeyan’s breath hitches for a moment. The body in contact with mine tenses briefly, halting all movement.

MC: Hehe, let’s see how you dodge now~

Thinking I have succeeded in my plan, I raise my eyebrows at Li Zeyan with an air of complacency, then lift my hand to climb up his arm.

Li Zeyan supports his headset with one hand, and there isn’t a single ripple in his expression as he watches me drawing closer to him. As I move, a few drops of water drip onto his face along the ends of my still-wet hair.

Splat.

He stares in my direction, the light in his eyes now dyed with moisture. The next moment, the palm resting on the armrest suddenly lands on my waist.

LZY: [still on the call, while looking at you] Inform the others to proceed with the original plan as previously arranged.

The force around my waist suddenly tightens with his words, clamping down on my provocative actions.

Just as I’m about to struggle, the tight body under my legs shifts slightly. Accompanied by the squeaking sound of the chair moving across the floor, Li Zeyan suddenly stands up from the armchair.

MC: …!

My body suddenly loses its fulcrum, and I cling tightly to his neck with both arms, desperately exerting every effort to suppress the exclamation that’s about to escape my throat, for fear that the person on the other end of the headphones might hear something.

But he effortlessly holds me up with one arm, a practice he couldn’t be more familiar with, then begins to walk at a leisurely pace, neither too fast nor too slow.

With each step he takes, my body collides uncontrollably with his again and again. And being restrained by his control, I’m also unable to create distance between us.

I bite my lips tightly, desperately, having no alternative but to tense up my body to endure it. Despite having only covered a few steps of distance, a thin layer of sweat has already formed on my cheeks––

Until the brief sensation of falling hits me, and I land heavily on the rumpled sheets. Li Zeyan tosses the headphones aside and sits leaning in towards me.

LZY: You’re becoming more and more unscrupulous.

His breath, carrying with it a burning warmth, teasingly caresses my face, keeping at a distance that is neither too close nor too far. His dressing gown has opened slightly during our earlier movements, exposing the dark red marks on his shoulder.

My heart rate uncontrollably accelerates for a few beats.

MC: It’s all because you’ve been playing coy with me… Let me see what you’re up to!

MC: I’m a part of the staff; I won’t get in the way of you guys.

Li Zeyan doesn’t seem to pay heed to my words, casually picking up a grape from a nearby plate.

LZY: I’ve learned this from a certain someone.

LZY: When you don’t want to show me the drafts of your proposals, you are much more of a rascal than this.

As he says this, he peels off the grape skin at an unhurried pace and bites into its luscious pulp. A sheen of grape juice colors his thin lips, which he then raises his hand to wipe away.

Despite pouting at him, my curiosity still gets the better of me. I peel another grape and bring it to his lips, attempting to sound him out.

MC: Well, then, could you perhaps briefly reveal some information? Like, where do you plan to search next, or…

I’m still in the middle of speaking when a sudden burst of warmth is felt at my fingertips.

Li Zeyan bites into the grape I’ve held out, and seemingly inadvertently, his teeth graze my fingertips, sending a tingling sensation through me as if I were being electrified.

My fingertips involuntarily flinch, but my wrist is firmly caught in his grip.

My body, which was already slightly tilted, suddenly loses balance, and I tumble into his arms.

LZY: The benefits of just one grape are far from enough.

LZY: If you want to pry out information, I’ll need more sincere bargaining chips.

MC: Just the other day, I was perfectly fine with you watching me! And now, after getting my appetite whetted, you suddenly cut off any further information… you’re quite the rare being!

Li Zeyan hooks his finger on the sash of my bathrobe and slowly slides it outward.

As the fabric falls with a rustling sound, my body shivers momentarily from the cool air. Soon after, I am covered by his scorching body heat.

Gasping, I try to press my lips together, but his fingertips slip in. Unlike last time, they don’t penetrate as deep, just resting between my teeth and stopping my attempt to close my lips.

MC: W-Why are you doing this again…

LZY: Why can’t I?

A low, husky voice sounds from behind me. Though it’s a question, it carries an irresistible implication.

LZY: It’s just the two of us here now.

LZY: Don’t hold back. Let me hear you.

A layer of moisture clouds my vision. I moan uncontrollably, biting down on his finger.

MC: [dragging out between her moans] …And you point fingers at me… when clearly you’re the most unscrupulous person there is…

A loose laughter drifts from beside my ear, accompanied by a sudden penetrating weight.

LZY: [as he moves inside her x1] I thought a certain someone already knew this about me.

LZY: [x2] …go on, “accuse” me a little more.

LZY: [x3] Perhaps this way, I’d be willing to give you whatever you want.

—

——————- p.s. Interval, and as you’ll see in the 2nd next sentence, god knows how many times they did it LMFAO ——————-

—

In the end, I still couldn’t coax any words out of Li Zeyan’s mouth.

Amidst the steaming afternoon heat, we’ve worn away the better part of the day once again until even our heads felt dizzy from satisfaction.

I lazily nestle in Li Zeyan’s arms, almost wanting to ignore everything else and simply “wasting” a whole day by his side.

Until the sound of a notification alert chimes from under the pillow.

MC: [reading the text] “Two more guests dropped by in the afternoon to submit their bracelets… Currently, we’re only one bracelet away from the completion of the collection task…”

…so, in other words, the conditions for unlocking the hidden surprise could be met at any time?

I close my eyes, silently running through a few minutes of mental preparation. I push myself up from the bed and sit upright until Li Zeyan’s arm loops around my waist from behind.

LZY: [poor man LOL, laughing softly] Where are you off to now?

I instinctively want to tell him, but then remembering what he did earlier, I let out a soft “humph” instead.

MC: …I’m not telling you. But anyway, received a notification in the group, so I’m heading to the “Elves’ Home Bar” to see what’s going on.

I nudge his arm as I say this and hear him let out a sigh interspersed with a little helplessness.

LZY: [chuckles helplessly] There are quite a few employees from LFG relaxing in the entertainment area there as well.

LZY: Come on, I’ll go with you.

—

The sports car parks outside the streamlined building, and I trail behind Li Zeyan as we make our way inside. [6]

Upon pushing open the sturdy wooden door, the sound of melodious music wafts towards us.

Warm-colored lights dance around the spacious space, illuminating the distant bar counter and the dazzling lineup of floor-to-ceiling wine cabinets.

The recessed seating arrangements create the outline of semi-enclosed spaces where the employees of LFG are gathered in small groups, chatting, laughing, or playing games. The atmosphere couldn’t be more relaxed.

Catching the sound at the entrance, Goldman inadvertently glances over and, upon seeing Li Zeyan and me, sets down the cards in his hand and stands up.

Goldman: CEO Li, you’re here too.

Goldman: We have something to report to you. I wonder if it would be convenient for you to talk now?

Goldman clears his throat, his expression as serious as ever. I nod at him in greeting and whisper to Li Zeyan.

MC: Why don’t you go ahead and check it out? I happen to have some things to attend to as well~

Upon finishing my sentence, I swiftly make my way to the back of the bar counter and find a staff member. I cast a quick glance towards Li Zeyan, then quietly inquire in a lowered voice.

MC: How’s the progress on the collection task now?

The staff behind the counter slides a glass of champagne over to me and answers in a similarly hushed tone.

Staff Member: The progress is still stuck where it was in the latest report, but something is a little off.

Staff Member: Clearly, we’re just one bracelet away from completion, but they seem to have lost their drive, and they’ve been here playing cards and board games… Could it be that the difficulty is too high and it’s affecting their motivation?

I take the champagne and ponder for a moment as I take a sip.

MC: But given the amount of countermeasures they came up with before, they won’t give up halfway… they must have some other plan.

MC: I’ll find another opportunity to look into the situation. If it’s really because of the design of the hiding spots being obstructive, I’ll have the staff controlling the lights make adjustments.

As I say this, my gaze drifts towards those people chatting and laughing relaxedly in the distance, and I inadvertently lock eyes with Li Zeyan.

The person next to him seems to have just finished a game, and a ripple of laughter passes from the group. Another person sorts out the deck of cards and asks Li Zeyan if he is interested in joining.

Li Zeyan sets down his wine glass and suddenly looks in my direction.

My heart skips a beat as I hear him speaking in a calm voice.

LZY: I will fancy a game, actually––

LZY: ––If the “Elven Emissary” over there is willing to accept my challenge.

──────────────

[Tidbits]:

[6] ! NERDING ALERT LOL. The architectural name of the building design is more popularly known as “Streamline Moderne.” Though the geometric shapes and curves make these structures look futuristic, these designs actually emerged in the 1920s and reached their peak in the 1930s-40s, and are known to be timeless. I do want to applaud Li Zeyan’s content team b/c this was such a little detail effortlessly tied with his car model- the Mercedes-Benz 300SL Gullwing (produced from 1954-57). Widely known to be another timeless classic and a groundbreaking car for its time– kudos to his team for never failing to incorporate such subtle details, though unfortunately, I can’t gush about each and every one of them b/c that will turn bigger than the MQ translation itself ahah. also, not LZY being the only guy who got his car drawn into the event special background arts LMAO 💸😂

—

•─────⋅◍♡◍⋅─────•

—

【CHAPTER 5, INTERWOVEN EMOTIONS】

[Tidbits]: This is a bonus chapter (equivalent to the memory silhouette in SP MQs), described in the narrator’s POV, comprising moments before Chapter 6~ 🥺

────────

Set against melodious background music, a rather ostentatious scene unfolds on the movie screen.

The protagonist’s eyes shimmer with tears as they are about to deliver a passionate confession of love, and just at this moment, several indistinct murmurs sound from beside him.

Li Zeyan turns his head to look at the girl sleeping soundly next to him and chuckles softly.

The movie being screened at the island’s movie theater today is a classic example of a crowd-pleaser but lacking substance–– a grand setting with overly dramatic plotlines.

Despite the fact that this genre of film isn’t the girl’s cup of tea, she was the one who spontaneously suggested coming here. And sure enough, she nodded off halfway through.

LZY: [smiles helplessly] …

He sighs almost inaudibly, his gaze fixed on the gentle play of light dancing through the girl’s long eyelashes, casting a subtle shadow under her eyes.

These days, she often has to juggle work responsibilities now and then, and she clearly hasn’t let herself relax properly.

At the moment, the person really basking in the enjoyment of his vacation is just him alone.

Li Zeyan lowers his gaze and picks up the blanket nearby, draping it over the girl so that she can sleep more soundly.

Buzz—

His phone’s notification suddenly rings out for a moment, only to be silenced as he swiftly presses the mute button.

Li Zeyan walks out of the screening room with light footsteps and closes the door behind him before answering the call. Goldman’s voice sounds on the other end.

Goldman: CEO, we’ve got a handle on the locations of the remaining bracelets. It’s only the whereabouts of the last one we haven’t been able to track down, as of now.

Goldman: Would you want to consider mobilizing the rest of the employees and get them to participate as well?

LZY: No need. They’re all on vacation now. Let everyone who wants to unwind enjoy their time off peacefully.

LZY: Those who are interested can continue exploring in their leisure time, but do not put any pressure on them either.

LZY: Inform them using your account. Just updating the group with the clues that have been found will suffice. I’ll keep up the search.

Upon receiving a response from the other end of the line, Li Zeyan ends the call and walks in the direction of the screening room at an unhurried pace.

The project area along the coast and the highly popular tourist spots have been searched and ruled out one by one over the past few days… The location of the last bracelet seems to be a little too discreet.

Li Zeyan’s fingertips absentmindedly trace the phone’s surface, the sound of the girl’s expectant voice playing in his mind.

“‘The harvest reaped from a certain someone’s efforts during this time has indeed been worthwhile.’… I want to hear you say these words personally after seeing the surprise.~”

LZY: [laughs helplessly] …The difficulty level is set rather too high for a vacation experience.

Even as Li Zeyan murmurs his discontent under his breath, there is a touch of gentleness in his eyes.

He has closely witnessed the hard work the girl put into this project in recent days. And if he can help it, he doesn’t want her dedication to go in vain.

And even though she hasn’t said anything directly on purpose, she’s been occasionally dropping hints that “she wants this task to be realized as soon as possible”— whether it’s through her words or through deliberate or inadvertent actions…

Li Zeyan’s steps come to an abrupt stop.

The screening schedule for the theater is arranged early in the morning. She should have already known from the outset that the content of this film wasn’t something she’d be interested in.

Given that, why was she insistent on bringing him here?

After contemplating for a moment, Li Zeyan lifts his foot and changes his direction. He doesn’t enter the screening room and instead returns along the path he had taken with the girl.

Before long, he comes to a stop on the stairs of the theater.

LZY: [extremely helplessly and indulgently] Dummy.

Li Zeyan says softly, his voice tinged with the gentle hint of a smile.

A beaded coconut shell bracelet hangs quietly on the railing above, a lustrous sheen haloing it.

—

•─────⋅◍♡◍⋅─────•

—

【CHAPTER 6】

After only a brief moment of contemplation, I stand up and take a seat at the other end of the round table where Li Zeyan is sitting, ready to hear the rules––

First, both parties will receive five cards each, which will remain undisclosed. Upon obtaining the cards, each party can choose to propose to exchange some of their cards with a third party or keep them as they are. Then, they will proceed with placing the bets.

Once everything is finalized, the cards will be revealed, and victory will be determined by comparing the ranks of the card combination.

The rules don’t sound that complicated, so I nod to Goldman, signaling that we can begin.

The shimmering yellow glow of the light dances on the marble table top. After a brief shuffle, five cards are respectively placed in front of me and Li Zeyan.

MC: You know, we haven’t yet decided what the wager should be.

In order to test the waters, I intentionally speak up, watching as he calmly flips his cards over, shooting me a glance.

LZY: How about a wish?

LZY: Even if it doesn’t comply with the “rules” of this island, we still have to fulfill for the other person.

Whether intentionally or otherwise, his pronunciation of the word “rules” seems to carry extra emphasis. I blink, and a realization suddenly strikes me.

The progress of the bracelet collection task has currently hit a snag… Perhaps Li Zeyan wants to gain clues through this method?

MC: Yeah, sure thing.

Saying this, I glance at my own cards, my heart pounding in my chest. To my surprise, luck has favored me this round–– I have Two Pair among the five cards.

Out of the corner of my eye, I watch him intermittently tapping his fingertips on the table. Displaying such subtle gestures of contemplation likely means his cards aren’t as good.

I have to seize this opportunity and compromise a little bit.

MC: I want to swap cards.

LZY: [simultaneously] I want to swap cards.

As the deep, heavy hum of the music interweaves, our voices coincidentally collide with each other. Li Zeyan and I hold each other’s gaze for a moment before he calmly takes out three cards to exchange with Goldman.

I also trade my Two Pair with Goldman, acquiring a few new cards in return. Then, following Goldman’s cue, I spread out my cards on the table.

And just like that, the game is settled in a moment–– Li Zeyan’s Joker with a four-flush clearly outmatches my high cards.

Even as I’m trying to maintain my composure, I still breathe a sigh of relief, my eyes crinkling into a smile as I turn to Li Zeyan.

MC: CEO Li’s move to swap the poor cards for such an amazing hand was rather wise, I must say.

Li Zeyan doesn’t say anything and only arches an eyebrow, while Goldman beside him clears his throat with a cough.

Goldman: Actually, CEO Li’s original hand was a straight, so it wasn’t bad either.

A straight… that’s still better than my original Two Pair, isn’t it?

MC: …Then why did you take the risk of changing cards?

LZY: [chuckles softly] Just to be cautious.

LZY: After all, judging from a certain someone’s subtle cues, her hand must have been pretty good.

LZY: Since the Joker was already in my possession, there was a high chance the new cards would either form a flush or above, so it was worth the gamble.

Calculating the probability in mind from his description, I can’t help but widen my slightly as I look at Li Zeyan.

The interval was only about ten seconds or so, and this man calculated everything so fast even within that window!

MC: [mumbling to herself] Had I known earlier, I wouldn’t have gone easy. At least, I could’ve lost with some dignity…

I mutter under my breath in a voice only I can hear, watching as Li Zeyan rises from the seat and addresses me.

LZY: [and he still hears it LMAO, ofc he does] A bet’s a bet.

LZY: Now, you should accompany me to fulfill my wish.

─

───────

[Tidbits]: Just in case it eludes anyone, they are actually playing their version of exclusive poker. I’m not gonna explain the specific terms or the game b/c it’d be a long ass explanation. But just wanted to point out that while MC was playing to have Li Zeyan win the game, the man just really wanted to win LMAO– and why, you’ll find out in a bit~ 🥺

────────

We take our leave from the entertainment room. The nearby and distant buildings are already veiled by the gathering darkness of the night.

The streamlined sports car zooms through the night, racing towards the highest point of the island, and it soon pulls into a secluded parking garage.

Keeping an intermediate distance, the sports car comes to a slow stop by the food-to-ceiling windows. Lights from the surroundings spill a surfeit of light through the glass, making it so that it seems we’re almost close enough to touch by just reaching out.

…What a coincidence, this is the best spot for enjoying the “hidden scenery”!

Everything seems to have fallen perfectly in place, and my heartbeat instantly quickens a little. Li Zeyan turns his head sideways and casts me a casual glance.

LZY: Come on, let’s enjoy the night scenery first.

The door on the driver’s side opens silently, and Li Zeyan seems about to rise from his seat and get out.

MC: Hang on, you haven’t yet told me, what’s the wish you want me to fulfill for you~

I grab his sleeve at flying speed, but he still maintains his calm and composed demeanor.

LZY: I don’t think there’s any need to rush it at the moment.

MC: …but this is a task that must be done eventually! If you don’t tell me, I won’t be able to set my mind at ease~

With my hopeful gaze fixed on him, Li Zeyan ponders for a moment.

LZY: [YOU CAN’T SEE ME BUT I’M PRACTICALLY IN TEARS RN] Well then, from this moment onwards, leave all your time for me and me alone.

MC: [confused] …?

I find myself momentarily doubting if I’ve heard him wrong.

MC: Are you sure you want something so simple? You know you could take this opportunity to get your hands on some even more “impossible” terms!

I subtly stress the word “impossible,” but Li Zeyan seems to have missed my hint and simply gives me a nod.

MC: …Li Zeyan, you’re really a dummy!

I straddle his lap and punch him on the shoulder, feeling a little depressed.

MC: You clearly said yourself, that you wanted to realize the collection task! Then why not seize this opportunity and ask me––

LZY: Ask you about the location to activate this surprise?

And just like that, my hidden thoughts are exposed by him. I stare into his eyes, finding myself a little astonished.

Li Zeyan lifts his hand and runs his finger down my chin, signaling me to pull myself together.

LZY: You’re looking in the wrong direction, turn your head.

I follow the direction his finger points at and, somewhat perpexedly, look out the floor-to-ceiling window.

In the next second, it’s as if an invisible switch has been pressed, and the outline of the entire island is suddenly illuminated by magnificent lights.

The resplendent yet gentle lights, akin to a cascade of stars falling from the vast expanse of the night sky, delineate the long and winding curves of the coastline.

And just like that, the scene I have seen repeatedly in the design drafts and renderings suddenly unfolds before my eyes without warning. My lips part, and my heart suddenly skips a few beats.

…During this whole time, as I spent monitoring the progress, I imagined countless times how Li Zeyan would react when he saw it.

He would probably smile, wouldn’t he? Or perhaps, he wouldn’t even be able to take his eyes off of it.

Harboring such anticipation in mind, I always wanted to achieve the completion of this task as soon as possible, so that he could enjoy this perfect surprise.

Yet, as this scene suddenly materializes before me, I find myself becoming the one who can’t tear her eyes away.

—

────────

[Tidbits]: Sorry to break the flow, but just a little refresher/ reminder as to why MC’s surprise is so significant and emotional (p.s. the BGM here is the 3rd anniv. theme btw 😭)– in S1 CH11, Li Zeyan first told MC how looking at the city lights from a height would quell his anxiety and worries. From then on, it has become one of LZY’s most prominent themes (night, city lights, and meteors). We also saw the reversal of it in the winter world (Only Tonight SP), where MC told Li Zeyan how looking at the city lights would remind her of her special person, and it calmed her down, too. Aside from the little scattered ones, some major moments where we’ve seen the significance of this reference– S1 CH 37 farewell scene, S2 CH 4 re-bonding scene (at the hospital again), S2 CH 40 memory returning, LZY’s 5th birthday etc. This is why MC’s own surprise apparently takes her aback just as much here, too~ ꒦ິ꒳꒦ິ🙏

────────────

A soft chuckle rings in my ears, and I finally snap out of my daze.

Only to find that Li Zeyan’s gaze is fixed intently on me, and I see countless lights and myself mirrored in his eyes.

MC: You had already guessed what the hidden scenery was, didn’t you?

Li Zeyan responds with a soft hum, his palm gently caressing my wrist.

LZY: After all, a certain someone did say it was something worth appreciating with someone you hold dear.

LZY: Since every single element of it was designed by you, I reckoned my preferences were taken into account subconsciously.

LZY: During my morning runs these past few days, I scouted for locations on the island that would offer a breathtaking view. And, combined with the information gathered from the group, I did indeed make this discovery.

His voice carries a sense of ease, and interlaced with it is a confidence of calmly accepting love. A soft “hmph” escapes my lips, and I can’t resist pressing on for more details.

MC: Had I known earlier… I should have chosen my words more carefully when making the introduction.

MC: Come to think of it, the bracelets should have all been collected a while back… You were simply keeping it under wraps so that you could unveil it now, weren’t you?

Li Zeyan doesn’t deny it, leaning back into a relaxed posture.

LZY: Had you known in advance, you wouldn’t have felt the surprise.

I blink my eyes and speak subconsciously.

MC: But this surprise wasn’t prepared for me in the first place––

LZY: [cuts her off] Why can’t it be for you?

As he says this, the touch of resigned laughter colors his baritone voice.

LZY: [lets out the most helpless, gentlest of chuckles] When you persuaded me to come, you clearly said we’d be on vacation together.

LZY: Why is that after “tricking” me into coming here, more often than not, you seem to be so on edge and distracted by all sorts of work related matters?

As he speaks, his fingertips brush my head, causally removing my headwear.

—

The delicate ornament lands soundlessly onto the carpeted floor of the car. A few strands of hair by my cheeks trail downward, causing a slight tickling sensation.

I lower my gaze and belatedly piece together the way I’ve had an increasing amount of free time these past few days, as well as the bet he cleverly orchestrated and won. Suddenly, a realization dawns on me.

MC: …So, everything that happened the past few days was part of your plan?

LZY: After all, a certain someone didn’t have that awareness.

LZY: So, I could only use my ways to bring you out to escape the confines of rules and identities.

As I gaze into that pair of serene eyes, I feel as if a flower is blooming within me, my innermost being silently overflowing with an exquisite sweetness.

The corners of my lips involuntarily curve upward as I lean in, resting my forehead against his. I feel enfolded by the warmth and breath of the person in front of me, and he hems me in completely, not leaving even the slightest gap between us.

MC: So, you’ve been planning this all along, step by step… guess this falls under Teacher Li’s “aesthetics of delay,” doesn’t it? [7]

LZY: Of course. Moreover, the one who gets to immerse in the enjoyment shouldn’t be just me alone.

Our warm breaths intertwine, and I can almost see my own reflection mirrored in his eyes.

A soft laugh escapes me as I lean in towards him.

MC: Well, now it’s time for me, the “dummy student,” to be proactive and respond.

────────

[Tidbits]:

[7] Putting the note here before we get into the intense™ scene again LOL– the “aesthetics of delay” part is a throw-back to Li Zeyan’s top-up SP card– “Exuberant Fruits of Patience” (aka When Love Matures in EN). I’d highly recommend re/reading that to find out the significance of the throwback here~ 😉

────────

—

I plant a kiss on his lips as I say this. The palm supporting my hips suddenly tightens.

His lips wrap around mine, neither too fast nor too slow, stealing all my oxygen away at a leisurely pace.

Amidst our entwined breaths, even the air lingering between us burns hot. I nibble on his lips, only to be answered with an even more intensified demand.

Sapped of all my strength, it’s not until I give a push on his shoulder that I manage to catch a sliver of space to breathe.

The night air, carrying with it a slight chill, embraces our fiery body heat. I shiver involuntarily and reach out, yearning to steady myself on his chest, but the progressive intensity of the thrusts leaves me swaying back and forth.

MC: Li Zeyan, please let me lean on you a little more…

Allow me to find a mast to rely on and continue to meet the deeper waves.

I’m not sure if I’ve actually said these words aloud, but the panting in my ears suddenly grows heavier. At the same time, my wrists are held captive by a palm soaked with moisture.

Accompanied by the rustling sound of a tie twining around, my wrists are bound and looped around his neck.

MC: [moaning] Li Zeyan…

Murmuring, I turn my head to the side and bite Li Zeyan’s equally damp shoulder.

He doesn’t speak and only releases a restrained pant, holding me even tighter in his arms.

The magnificent lights, the shimmering reflections… the colors on the car window sway, gradually becoming blurred in my vision––

–– Until, akin to fireworks, everything converges into a burst of white light and explodes in my mind.

I take a deep breath, and in the all-consuming embrace of our entangled bodies, lift my hand and run my fingers through the wet tips of his hair.

MC: Li Zeyan, do you still find this delayed surprise to your satisfaction?

With those profound eyes staring fixedly at me, he leans his head in and gently plants a kiss on the inside of my arm.

LZY: Of course… I find it even more satisfactory than you could imagine.

LZY: And I also find myself to be even more addicted (to you).

His lingering kisses wreathe upwards, charged with a passion that can set everything ablaze.

I almost forget how to breathe, as I feel even the last spark of my consciousness grow burning hot and melt into the flowing night.

The world fades into distance and obscurity, leaving only the fiery and violent pounding of our tightly pressed hearts.

And so, I close my eyes, sinking into his temperature once more.

──────────────────────────────────────────

#gonna beat my own drum Imao 🫣 but i’m really proud of this translation piece- feel like it was done justice for how long of a wait this was #+ i tried my very best to get the emotions across to make up for not being able to write the essay as much as possible~ 🥺#now coming into gushing -- WHERE DO I FIND WHAT THEY HAVE AAAHHH 😭#LZY and his heroine truly and really are relationship goals- setting the bars to such surreal heights(/ω\。)#the way their instinct is to always give the other the very best of all + LZY BEING THE BEST LIFE PARTNER A GIRL COULD ASK FOR AS USUAL #mlqc victor #mlqc li zeyan #mlqc #mr love victor #mr love queen's choice #恋与制作人 #李泽言 #love and producer #mlqc cn #mlqc spoilers #mlqc translations

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empressdede · 7 months

Text

Remember the time part 2

This is part two of Remember the time. Guys I’m so sorry it took forever to release, It took a while to formulate all of this together but HERE WE ARE! Part two is based off the song The Heart Wants What It Wants by Selena Gomez. Please show me some love lol. I do want to say that the OC is a black character but anyone can read. Let me know what you guys think!

Pairing: Kiyah (OC) x Jimmy Uso

Warnings: cursing, smut and a very long read.

Bold italics are thoughts, italics are dialogue during a smut scene. Red bold italics are the song lyrics

Word count: 12,840

Summary: Jimmy and Kiyah finally talk things over.

Tagging the girlies: @whatdoeseverybodywant @harlem11680 @pinkwithhearts @serena004 @raya-hunter01 @nash2023 @bluesole16 @wildwildsoul @southerngirl41 @gomussy @theninthwonder @reci1996 @theesexystallion @jeyusos-girl

You’ve got me scattered in pieces

The two stared at each other in silence, both of them nervous for two different reasons. Jimmy stared at Kiyah in disbelief, she’s been avoiding him since their last argument, and he didn’t think she would be the one to actively look for him.

Kiyah cleared her throat, “I um…” she started but she really didn’t know how to start the conversation. She knew she was probably pushing her luck, but she was getting tired of running from her blessings. “Are you busy? I can come back later If you are.”

Jimmy just stared at her, letting silence fall between them. It was almost as if he was stuck, mouth opening to speak but closing it again when he realized he didn’t really know what to say. The small smile on Kiyah’s face slowly fell as she watched him. Three months. It’s been three months since she broke up with him and standing in front of him now did nothing to stop her heart from beating like crazy.

Kiyah watched as he struggled to get anything out and she cleared her throat again. She knew that it has to be her to take the initiative. "Bianca told me you guys are starting the show, but after can we talk?" She asked in a soft tone, eyes pleading that he wouldn’t shut her out even though that’s what she did to him. To them.

Jimmy just stared at her, eyes scanning her face as he took in her emotions. The vulnerability in her eyes is what had him nodding his head in an agreement. Of course, he still cared for her; it’s only been a couple of months and how could he throw three years away in three months?

"We go on in half an hour, we can meet up somewhere to talk after in like an hour or two." He suggested. Kiyah nodded her head. Half an hour, that gives her enough time to calm down and prepare herself for the conversation she wanted to have with him.

"Okay." She agreed in a whisper. She should’ve left but she couldn’t move away from him. Damn, I really fucking missed him. She thought to herself as she stared at him. Someone cleared their throat from behind him, which caused her to look in that direction.

"I’d hate to be that guy but we gotta get him changed and go over a couple things." Jey stated in a low tone not wanting to ruin the moment between the two but unfortunately, they were on a time limit.

Kiyah nodded her head once again, taking a deep breath in. "Okay. Um… you can tell Tez to come get me when you’re done. Good luck out there."

Jimmy watched as she walked away from the locker room with mixed emotions. He really wasn’t expecting to see her so soon. Jey placed a hand on his shoulder to reel him back in. "C’mon Uce, let’s focus on the show for now and then you can handle yo business."

I know I’m acting a bit crazy, hung out a little bit hazy

Two months ago…. May 8th 2023

Bianca shook her head as she watched her cousin get ready for their family dinner. "Kiyah, just call him back." Bianca states for the third time.

"B… can’t we just drop it?" Kiyah sighed flopping onto her bed to put her heels on. "You think these heels go with my outfit?" She asked trying to avoid the elephant in the room. Bianca had left it alone when Kiyah told her that she left Jimmy, because she thought they would have gotten right back together. But when she noticed the funk her cousin was in, she didn’t know if she could ignore the pressing issue.

"Kiyah…. At your big ass age, it’s not cute to keep running from your problems."

"I’m not running from shit! I told him we were done, ain’t shit else to talk about Bianca." She snapped, turning her head towards her cousin. "He’ll be fine, better off without me dragging him down with my baggage."

"Kiyah." Bianca whispered feeling her heart break. Her cousin loved to push people away to try to protect herself and it only hurts her in the process.

"That’s what he told me B… how many times can people tell you you’re the problem before you actually believe it?" Kiyah rhetorically asked. She felt her eyes water as she relived the moments in her head. "I know I have the habit to run, but I never ran from him… not like this. But then, it’s like…. Trè said it. Reggie said it. Ace damn near engraved it in my head. And it’s always the same fucking word….baggage. Now here’s Jimmy, someone who’s really changed my outlook on love and I think its gonna be different this time around and boom."

"Kiyah you guys were arguing, this isn’t the first time he’s said something he didn’t mean out of anger. Only this time you hear something you don’t like, and you run. If you love him like you say you do, you would call him back." Bianca stressed, walking to the bed to sit next to her cousin. "You’re miserable, I can see it. You’re not eating, and you’re NOT sleeping. You miss him just like he misses you, so ca-"

"I’m scared.” Kiyah whispered, cutting Bianca off. She felt the tears running down her face and knew she was going to break down soon. “I’m scared he’s going to realize that he can find someone better than me and leave. It always happens, and I want this time to be different so bad Bianca, but I’m scared.”

Bianca lets out a sigh, she knew it would take time for Kiyah to stop running. She also knew that pressing the issue tonight wasn’t going to get nowhere so instead of replying to her cousin, she just pulls her into a comforting embrace. They’ll figure it out some other time.

_______________________________

Jimmy didn’t take their separation well either, he just hid it better because he still had to go out and perform at a hundred percent every Friday night.

It was only his brothers and Roman who knew how hard the breakup was affecting him. He wouldn’t go out to eat with them, instead he would eat alone in the hotel rooms. He’s usually very goofy when he’s in the arena but he lately he’s kept himself in the locker room, doesn’t want to be bothered.

“When they let us go home this Wednesday, why don’t you pull up on her Uce?” Jey suggested.

Jimmy just shrugged his shoulders, “I already did a couple weeks ago, she was there but she didn’t open the door. She doesn’t wanna see me Uce, I don’t wanna bother her anymore.”

“So, you just gone give up?” Jey asked, and the room became silent. Of course, Jimmy didn’t want to give up on her; but what was he supposed to do when she made it clear she didn’t want to be bothered.

“Maybe she’s just doing what she does best. If that’s the case, I say you show up one more time and if she’s still avoiding you, leave it alone.” Solo advised.

Jimmy let out a sigh as he thought it over. He didn’t want to violate her space, but he also doesn’t want her to think he doesn’t care about her anymore or is fine with her leaving his life. It’s only been a month and it still feel like a lifetime. And it wasn’t the first time they’ve went a month without seeing each other, but it was the first time they didn’t communicate with each other during that time period - it’s starting to take a toll on him.

“Alright Uce.” He decided, turning to face his brothers. “On Wednesday, Imma slide to New York and see if she wanna talk.”

The future that we hold is so unclear

Wednesday… May 10th 2023

Jimmy thought a lot about how he should approach Kiyah and what he should say to her. He thought about what would be said if she opened the door, he hoped she would anyways. He didn’t want her to think that he stopped caring, he just wanted to respect her boundaries.

Jey offered to go with him just in case things went south, and at first Jimmy had declined insisting that Jey had his own issues to worry about, but Jey wouldn’t have it. If things went well, then Jey had a hotel room all to himself and didn’t have to worry about, and if things went bad then he would be here for his twin.

Jimmy – albeit his protests – was actually glad his brother came; his nerves were through the roof, and he needed someone to distract him the entire way to New York.

"Imma order room service and charge it to yo card Uce." Jey stated over the phone.

Jimmy smacked his teeth, rolling his eyes before fixating them on the road as he drove. "See… this is why I wanted you to take yo ass to Georgia. You keep playing and shit.”

“Who’s playing? Man, Uce I’m gonna get some Steak, some loaded potatoes, probably some sprite and tell em add they most expensive champagne on the cart just because. I know your pockets can handle it big money.” Jey playfully replied, he let his laughs die down before getting serious with his twin. “Aye listen, no matter what happens tonight you know I always got your back.”

“I know Uce, I appreciate it. You still didn’t need to come all the way out here, but I appreciate you being here.” Jimmy replied. He meant it. It meant a lot that his twin was here, giving him the support that he didn’t really know he needed. “I’m almost to her crib man, I’ll call you if I need to.”

They said their goodbyes before hanging up with each other and now Jimmy was stuck in his head again. He was nervous but he wanted to see her, needed to see her. He was really hoping she felt the same.

I just hope she opens the door. Jimmy thought to himself as he pulled up to the complex where her condo was located. If she lets him in, hopefully they could talk about everything and put it behind them. And even if she didn’t wanna talk, he just wanted to hold her.

Jimmy was stuck in his head once again he didn’t realize how fast he got here. It’s almost as if his body was moving off muscle memory and he found himself standing in front Kiyah’s door.

He could hear his heartbeat thumping quick in chest and took a deep breath to try to calm his nerves before he raised his hand to knock on her door.

Meanwhile…..

“Bianca I’m not even sure this is worth it. I mean what if this blows up in my face?” Kiyah asked for the umpteenth time, her eyes glued to her phone as she sat in her car, the two cousins on FaceTime to kill Kiyah’s nerves.

Bianca rolls her eyes. “Girl go be a woman and get yo man back. We all know how much you love him, and he loves you right back okay? Stop trying to block your blessings and just go. You already know he’s home, where else would he go this Wednesday?”

Kiyah bit her lip as her eyes slit up to look at the house in front of her. Jimmy’s house. She had bought the ticket to Florida in the heat of the moment. She just wanted to see him, even if it just for a second. “I’m scared.” She whispered.

“And it’s okay to be.” Bianca assured, her tone softening as she watched her cousin through the screen. “But this can be a good thing, you’re scared because you love him and sometimes love can be a scary thing; but doesn’t his love give you a good feeling? I’ve seen you in love before Kiyah, there’s a big difference between Ace and Jimmy. Jimmy turned you so fuckin soft it was sick.” She stated teasingly to try to ease the mood.

Kiyah’s lips softly quirked up. “I’m so in love with him, it’s kinda sick.” Kiyah repeated what she told Bianca when she had seen Jimmy at her place the first time.

“Exactly! See, now go knock on his door and go tell that man you love him.” Bianca advised with a smile. “If anything happens, just call me and we’ll figure everything out, okay?”

Kiyah nodded her head. They said their goodbyes and hung up and now Kiyah was left all alone with her thoughts. He wouldn’t close the door in my face, right? She thought to herself.

“C’mon Kiyah, Now or never.” She muttered to herself as encouragement to get out of the car. As she walked up to his door, her heart started to beat out of her chest. She remembers the last time she was here, she had surprised Jimmy by showing up here and making him a meal. Now, she walked up his driveway with cautious steps because she didn’t have the same confidence as last time.

As she stood in front of his door, she took a deep breath in. Please open the door. She thought to herself in a plea as she lifted her hand to knock on the door and wait for a response.

This is a modern fairytale

Six months ago…. January 10th 2023

“You sure you’re okay?” Kiyah asked staring at him through the screen with concerned eyes.

Jimmy let out a small chuckle, nodding his head. “I’m alright baby, it’s nothing I can’t handle honestly.”

“Liar.” She claimed, squinting her eyes at him. “I’ve been watching you; you’re trying so hard to fight that limp in your leg, but I see it.”

“I’m okay baby. I promise.” He tries to assure, flashing her a smile. He appreciates her concerns, but he didn’t want her to worry too much about him; especially about something out of her control. "Where the hell are you going anyways, it’s almost midnight" He questions when he seen her get into her car.

"Gotta run to the drug store and get me some melatonin. I ran out and I couldn’t sleep at all last night." She answers, letting out a tired sigh. "I already know if I don’t take something, I won’t be able to sleep tonight either." She explains.

Jimmy watches her, see’s her red eyes and knows it’s cause she’s tired. "I wish I could have made the trip to New York but I -"

"Baby, you don’t have to explain. I already know. It’s okay." Kiyah reassures with a smile. "Plus, I know you’re probably home sick by now. Go home, relax and unwind."

"What if I sent you a ticket to come see me instead?" Jimmy suggested, raising his eyebrow as if it was something to take into consideration. Kiyah let a laugh slip through her lips.

“C’mon baby, you can’t be serious. You really don’t think you could wait a couple more weeks to see me?”

“I just wanna be with my lady, you know what I’m saying? Give her some act right and then cuddle her so she can fall asleep.”

Kiyah playfully rolled her eyes, “I know this boy ain’t just say give her some act right and then cuddle her to sleep… Babe be serious.” She chuckles.

“I am serious! This your fourth night telling me you can’t sleep. That shit bothers me for real Kiyah. Last time you went a week without sleeping, you passed out on me and didn’t wake up till three days later…at the hospital. And this happened twice, I just wanna make sure you’re okay.” Jimmy expressed, his tone shifting from playful to serious. To see her be so tired and struggle to actually sleep kills him, he’s seen it happen before and he knows how much she doesn’t like relying on medication to help her sleep so for her to be out of melatonin was alarming to him.

Kiyah gave him a soft smile. How could I get so lucky? She asked herself. She thought about where she was a couple years ago, with her last relationship. Ace never took her sleeping issue seriously, and she didn’t expect him to. But she at least thought that if she were to pass out from exhaustion that he would take care of her. But she remembers passing out at home and waking up in the same place… at home. Ace didn’t hear from her for almost an entire week, and he thought nothing about it. Jimmy though? He wanted to be her last good night, even when they were just friends. He always wanted to check up on her and make sure she was okay in almost every aspect, and sometimes she doesn’t know what she did to deserve him.

“I’m okay babe, I promise.” Kiyah assured him this time. “I know tonight, I’m gonna sleep like a baby. Now I know you got a flight to catch, so go ahead and get ready to take off Mr. Private Jet.”

“This private jet can take a detour to New York; you know all you gotta do is say the word.”

“No. You need to be home, Roman needs you. This is the perfect time to go back home and help him with whatever y’all got going on. I know you want to help me, but family comes first."

Jimmy looked at her through the screen, taking in everything. Her braids in a bun on the top of her head, and what he just knew was his hoodie. “You’re my family too Ma.” He stated sincerely.

Even if she wanted to, Kiyah couldn’t fight the wide smile that etched its way on her face. “You’re my family.” She repeats before looking up to catch the time. 12:00 am on the dot. “Go catch your flight and text me when you get home okay? You need to go rest that leg or something because you can’t keep fighting that limp and no, I don’t want to hear it. Have a safe trip and I love you.”

Jimmy nodded his head, even though he had no intentions of doing anything because this wasn’t anything he couldn’t walk off. "I will and I love you too mama. Call me when you wake up."

Kiyah nodded her head in agreement before hanging up the phone and letting her eyes close as she laid her head against the steering wheel. Her nerves were through the roof. She wanted to close her eyes for just a second, but she knew her nerves would not let relax at all.

After just a few seconds of silence she got an incoming call from Jey.

"You there yet?”

“Well damn Jey. Hey, how you been? I’m great thanks for asking.” Kiyah sarcastically replied, laughing at him.

“My bad sis. We getting ready for takeoff in about like 5 minutes so I can’t talk long.”

“Oh, well I’m here. I’ve only been here a good 15 minutes though.”

“Alright so the code to the gate is 7802 and if you look closely, I told my cousin to put my spare key under the mulch closest to the second tree by the house. It might take a while to find, it might not, I don’t know how deep he put it. But as soon as you’re able to get it, you’re in. Make yourself comfortable.”

“Thank you, Jey. For letting me do this. I just want you to know I really appreciate it.” She wanted her appreciation to be known. It meant a lot to her that Jey would go through all this just for her.

“You make my brother happy lil sis, and he makes you happy, if I could do this just to kill two birds with one stone; it ain’t nothing. But I really gotta go, good luck setting up.”

“Thank you.” She thanks before hanging up. She took a deep breath and looked up at the threshold before her. Jimmy’s house. She’s only been here a couple times during her time in Florida and every time she was here, the place was filled with friends and family. This time she was alone, hoping to welcome him home to a nice surprise.

When she brought up the idea of surprising Jimmy in his house instead of him coming to New York like he always does – to Jey, she didn’t think he would be so quick to help her; offering her his copy of the key to his brother’s home so that she could fulfill her wishes.

Pulling forward to the gate, Kiyah placed the code in and watched it open for her. Once she pulled in, her eyes glances over the front of the house. She definitely preferred the quietness over the loud music she was used to when she was here.

It didn’t take her that long to find the hidden key, and once she was able to get inside of his house, Kiyah let out another tired sigh. She wasn’t kidding when she told Jimmy she was tired. She grabbed her bag that she packed that was next to her feet and walked in, locking the door behind her.

Kiyah let her eyes wonder around the house. She knows she’s been here before, but this feels different, almost as if she was walking into their shared space. She wondered if he felt the same way at her place. She went to find his room; she’ll just take a quick nap before he gets here.

_______________________________

January 11th 2023 …… 4:15 AM

To: Princess💍 I made it home, text me when you wake up and I’ll do the same. I hope you’re sleeping.

Jimmy sent that text to Kiyah, shoving his phone in his pants and walking into his house, letting his head fall back with a tired sigh. He was finally home.

Later in the day when I really wake up, Imma go visit Roman and help him out with whatever he needs me to help him out with. Jimmy thought to himself as he walked towards his bedroom. He trudged slowly on tired legs, ready to lay down in his bed and relax.

Kiyah felt her heart start to race as she heard him walk closer to his bedroom. She didn’t know where to stand, quietly pacing in his room before deciding to just stand right next to his bed and wait for him.

When Jimmy walked into his room, he immediately locked eyes with the person standing near his bed. Jimmy froze when he seen her, shocked to see her in his house.

“Surprise.” Kiyah softly called out; a nervous smile displayed on her face. But it morphed into a wider smile when Jimmy threw his head in laughter.

“No you fuckin’ didn’t.” He laughed out before walking towards her to wrap his arms around her. He tightly gripped her and lifted her up to spin her around.

Kiyah immediately wrapped both her arms and legs around Jimmy and let out a soft giggle. “Jimmy put me down!” She exclaimed, tightening her grip out of fear of being dropped.

Jimmy placed her back on her feet and closed the gap in between them, pressing their lips together. Warmth blossomed in Kiyah’s chest as their lips moved in a slow kiss. A small moan slipped through Kiyah’s mouth when Jimmy slid his tongue in her mouth.

She found herself leaning into the kiss, Jimmy’s lips almost impossibly soft against her own. He let both hands lower to grab her ass, trying to pull back from the kiss but when they did separate Kiyah chased his lips, pulling him back down to kiss him again.

Jimmy let’s out a soft chuckle, pulling from the kiss and looked down to admire Kiyah. But it seemed as if Kiyah had the same plan, keeping her head lifted up to stare into Jimmy’s own with starry eyes. As if he hung the stars in the sky himself.

He pecked her lips multiple times, feeling her smile and a wide smile made its-way to his face.

“You went through all that trouble just to surprise me Baby?” He asked her, voice lowered to a rasp.

“It’s not trouble. I wanted to come see you, you always come see me and I know you miss being home. I wanted to do this for you.” Kiyah confessed, keeping her voice soft as she her thumb caress the back of his neck.

“You are amazing, you know that?” He asked, his foreheads leaning against her own.

Kiyah bit her lip, “You’re even more amazing. C’mon lay in bed I know you’re tired right now.”

Jimmy lifted one hand from her ass, to smack it, pressing one last kiss to her lips before pulling away from her, he couldn’t help but let his eyes roam her body. The white color of her outfit made her brown skin stand out.

“Nah, remember what I said? I just wanna give you some act right and cuddle you to sleep.”

Kiyah chuckled, pushing him on the bed and he let himself move freely. She moved to crawl on top of him, legs on each side of his waist straddling him.

“What if I just wanted to take care of you? You’ve been moving around doing both shows, lemme take care of you.” Kiyah cooed softly, leaning forward to press her lips against his.

They both indulged in a slow sloppy kiss, Kiyah wrapping her arms around his neck once again and Jimmy wrapped his arms around her in a bear hug, pulling Kiyah as close to him as possible.

Kiyah ground her hips against him, moaning softly in the kiss when she felt him hardening against her. She could feel the wet spot in her panties grow as she continued to grind herself into him. She clasped her teeth with his bottom lip and pulled on it slowly when she pulled away from the kiss.

“Lay back daddy.” Kiyah whispered seductively in his ear, sliding off his lap.

Jimmy felt himself shudder at her tone, his eyes lowering as she moved to her knees in front of him. Her hands tugged on the waistband of his sweats, and he lifted his hips to help her pull them off along with his boxers.

Once she discarded his pants off, Kiyah gripped his length and began to stroke it with both hands. She gathered all the saliva that she had and spat it over her hands to slick them up as she continued to stoke him, she leaned forward to circle her tongue around his tip twice before engulfing his tip in her mouth.

She suckled on the tip, moaning softly against him. Jimmy’s hand gripped onto the messy bun she had on the top of her head and bucked his hips. “Damn, it’s been forever and you gonna tease me?” He rasped out.

She continued her works, her tongue circling the tip once more before she released both hands. Soon as her hands were free, Jimmy lifted his hips to push his full length inside of her mouth. Kiyah felt the tip of his dick hit the back of her throat, the intrusion almost making her gag but she withheld it sliding her tongue alongside of him.

The move made a low rumble escape from him. Kiyah let her hands push at his waist to keep him in place on the bed and started bobbing her head up and down. One of her hands came to hold the base of his dick to stroke it as she started to pick up her pace.

“Shit.” Jimmy breathed out, letting his head fall back in pleasure. The feeling of her warm and wet mouth on him was one of his favorite feelings.

The slurping noises were starting to fill the room.

Kiyah wasn’t letting up, she quickly picked up her pace and let herself produce as much saliva as she can to get him all nice and wet. Jimmy averted his eyes back down to her to watch her expertly move her mouth.

Once Kiyah seen him place on arm behind him to sag into the bed, kiyah moved her hands, one fondling his balls while the other stroked his base as her mouth paid full attention to his tip.

“Fuck Kiyah.” Jimmy groaned out as his hips jerked. Kiyah let out another moan, positioning her tongue flat against his tip and lapped at the precum that had been leaking out. Kiyah let her eyes slit up to catch his gaze one her while she lapped at his tip and pressed a small kiss to it before swallowing him back in her mouth.

His dick was throbbing in her mouth but it didn’t stop her, her hand tightened just a little as she moved her head a little faster, letting out a drawn-out moan to stimulate him a little more.

The moan that Jimmy let out was followed by a hiss when Kiyah fully took him down her throat. It was becoming too much and when Kiyah pulled back for air, Jimmy was quick to stand on his feet.

Both his hands sliding to grip onto the braids that she had at the bottom of her head and fed her back his dick.

“There we go mama, just like that.” He rasped out and began to fuck into her mouth. The more she choked and struggled to keep him all in her mouth with the speed he was going, the more it egged him on.

“Look at you taking this big dick down your throat.” Jimmy praised, Kiyah lifted her eyes to stare at him and he watched as tears came running down her face. Slobbering almost at the mouth, spit falling from her mouth and still she let him continue to abuse her throat. “That’s it princess.” He groaned out.

Kiyah felt him throb in her mouth, almost a warning and she pushed herself closer to him, taking him deeper in her mouth until his head was touching the back of her throat once again.

Jimmy let his head fall back and scrunched his eyes shut. “Fuck baby, I’m about to bust in your mouth.” He warned but Kiyah never moved. She whimpered and nodded her head in response and gripped onto his thigh as if to keep herself in place.

Kiyah forced her throat to relax just as his cum erupted and slid down her throat. Jimmy moaned loudly above her. “Fuuuccckkkk.”

Kiyah kept her head in place until he stopped cumming. Jimmy was quick to slip out of her mouth and he fell right back on the bed.

“C’mere.” Jimmy called for her but his voice was hoarse. Kiyah let herself raise from her knees to straddle his lap again.

Jimmy held at her waist, moving in to place his lips on hers, sliding his tongue in her mouth. Their tongues entangled with each other’s as they kissed messy and unhurried.

Jimmy’s hands slid up to wrap his arms around her body. The tension in the air not as charged as it was before. The slow kiss shared between them was a passionate one, changing the mood to a more sensual one.

Jimmy pulled away from the kiss to pull her shirt off and Kiyah took the chance to do the same, sliding off his lap to discard the rest of her clothes before she climbed back on his lap.

Their mouths were pressed against each other’s once again. Their bodies pressed together, kiyah parts her lips allowing Jimmy’s tongue to slip inside. Kiyah found herself leaning into the kiss, trying to eliminate any kind of space between the two.

Jimmy flips their position, so that Kiyah was laid underneath him. They broke away from the kiss with soft laughter. They moved further into the bed, once settled, Jimmy started to place butterfly kisses along her neck. Kiyah tilted her head to give him easier access to her neck, her back arching when he found her sweet spot and started to suck and bite.

The moans left her mouth freely as he continued his actions, more than likely creating a hickey.

“Jimmy.” She breathed out, when she felt him push himself inside of her. She threw her head back in pleasure when he was fully inside of her.

“Shit.” He groaned out, she was squeezing the life out of him. “You gotta open up for me Princess.” He whispered huskily in her ear.

Kiyah unclenched and he slid all the way out just to slowly push back into her, creating an antagonizing slow pace of him thrusting inside of her.

The feeling between the two being shown in the movements the two were giving each other couldn’t be identified as anything else but love. It was almost like a whiplash how fast the energy changed between the two. What had started out as something quick to pleasure her man, had changed to expressing with their bodies just how much they really missed each other these past few weeks.

Nuzzling into her neck as the pace amongst them started picking up, just a bit. Kiyah’s arms stayed around his torso, nails making dents into his back as the feeling intensified.

“Fuck baby, just like that.” She softly moaned out. He was moving at exactly the right pace and angle.

Jimmy lifted his head and pressed his forehead against hers as he continued to thrust inside of her. Her love face is what made him peck her lips a couple times.

“Tell me you love me.” He rasped out.

Kiyah whimpered quietly and clenched herself around him. She was letting the pleasure take over her body, she couldn’t find it in herself to reply.

“Tell me.” He softly demanded.

“I love you. I love you so much baby.” Kiyah moaned out as a reply.

Her moans were starting to become constant as she felt herself getting closer. His dick kept poking at her g spot.

“There we go.” He softly cooed at her, picking up his pace to help her reach her climax. “That’s it baby, let me take care of you.”

“Jimmy.” Kiyah breathed out before her eyes rolled to the back of her head as she felt herself cum.

“There we go Princess.” He praised as he continued thrust in her, he let out a groan in her ear as he felt his own orgasm approaching.

“I love you.” Kiyah repeated in a breathy moan, that was what it took to send him the over the edge. Jimmy buried his face back in her neck as he came inside of her.

“I love you too Princess.” He muttered into her neck, pressing soft kisses into her skin.

They stayed in each other's arms; the sounds of their kissing were the only thing that could be heard in the room before Kiyah pulled back to catch her breath. And that’s how they stayed until they succumbed to sleep in the comfort of their love.

_______________________________

Jimmy wakes up and stretched his arm out to feel for Kiyah. When he felt nothing but the bed, he turned to face the other side of the bed to find it empty.

He furrowed his eyebrows in confusion, he could’ve sworn he went to sleep with Kiyah, could’ve sworn that she was here with him. He sat up and listened to see if he could hear her in the kitchen, but it was nothing. Dead silence.

Jimmy flopped back onto the bed with a sigh. If last night really didn’t happen then he was really missing Kiyah more than he thought. He didn’t want to admit it, but the distance was starting to annoy him, especially when it caused him and Kiyah to play phone tag all the time and in those moments all he wanted was to just talk to her.

In these last couple of months, the two really just wanted to spend time with each other as a couple. Since Jimmy had admitted his feelings to Kiyah just a couple months ago, he’s been trying his hardest to step up as a boyfriend and in his mind, he felt like the distance was affecting that.

Jimmy turned to look at his bedside table and grabbed his phone to see the time. 12:45 pm. He wondered if she was up.

Before Jimmy could even get to call Kiyah, he hears the front door open and shut.

“There’s not enough money in the world that could ever make me like ‘Titanic’. I’m sorry girl.” He heard Kiyah say as she walked into the house.

I fuckin’ knew I wasn’t trippin’ Jimmy thought to himself. He pushed himself to sit up once again. The sound of Kiyah’s voice out in his kitchen – because he knew that’s where she would be – made him chuckle. This was new, her being in his space instead of the other way around, it was a new feeling, but it was a good feeling.

After he slipped back on his sweats, he walked out of the room to look for the person who’s been on his mind since he woke up.

“I’m not saying all that, I’m just saying I don’t get to crying my eyes out like everybody else when I watch the movie. Then on top of that, you mean to tell me she went through all that to find a good man just to watch him die? Girl please. We either was going to be playing tag with that big ass door she was laying on or we would’ve crossed to the other side together.” Kiyah stated to her friend, Alexis, on the phone as she prepared to fix her and Jimmy a plate of some breakfast.

“That’s not the point Kiyah. Their love was a love Rose wanted to remember. Plus she promised him she wouldn’t remember?” Alexis asked, voice being heard over the speaker and Kiyah shrugged even though her friend couldn’t see her.

“I mean I guess, I’m still not a fan of the movie so ain’t no point.” Kiyah expressed, shrugging her shoulders.

Jimmy leaned against the kitchen wall as he watched her. She was taking out two take out boxes from Waffle House and trying to fix the food onto a plate.

“You just saying that because you haven’t found a love worth wanting to remember. I know Ace really did a number on you hun but not all love is like that.”

“You ever had a person come into your life and just give you the most healing love you could ever imagine receiving? A love so healing that the way you used to love isn’t how you love anymore?” Kiyah asked, tone softening as she asked the question.

Her mind immediately went to Jimmy. The minute Jimmy entered her life, she’s felt like an entirely different person. She laughed way more than she used to, and he broke a lot of her walls that she had up. Even as just friends, his love was healing, his aura was healing, and it changed her in ways she thinks to be good.

“No, but that’s the love that Rose and Jack had basically.”

“A love like that is worth remembering but its worth dying for too ya know? I couldn’t imagine pouring my heart out like she did to Jack and bear to be okay without him in a situation like that. I would’ve went with him.”

Jimmy walked up behind her and wrapped his arms around her. Kiyah jumped at the feeling of someone touching her but relaxed once she smelled his scent.

She laid her head back against his chest and placed her hands on top of his, his warmth transferring to her in their embrace.

“Mhhmmm, speaking of, when you gone tell what’s his name you like him? You can’t just shove him under ‘best friend’ knowing you like him so much.” Alexis questioned and Kiyah just laughed.

“Girl, best friend or not he knows he my man.” Kiyah stated playfully, laughing when Jimmy tightened his grip around her, pressing kisses against the side of her face. “Anyways, thank you so much for checking up on me. I’m okay, I’m gonna be outta town for a while so I’ll call you when I get back.”

Jimmy let her wrap up the phone call, but as soon as she hung up, he turned her around and pressed his lips against hers.

“You weren’t here when I woke up, so I thought I imagined you being here.” Jimmy muttered against her lips.

Kiyah chuckled pulling away from the kiss. “When I woke up, I watched you sleep for like 15 minutes because I didn’t want to get out of bed.” She admits, wrapping her arms around his neck. “But you know I like taking care of you, wanted you to wake up to a home cooked breakfast but you didn’t have anything, so I went to get your favorite breakfast food.”

Jimmy pecked her lips one more time. “Thank you, Mama. I really appreciate it.”

Kiyah smiles at him, before turning back around to grab his plate and give it to him. “Okay. Here’s yours, I got us some apple juice to drink – go set the table so we can eat.”

Every time Jimmy seen her like this it made his heart swell in his chest. Jimmy wasn’t used to being taken care of, it was usually him playing that role and with every woman he’s entertained he’s never met a woman who made sure that he was okay or taken care of; it was always the other way around. But with Kiyah, she made sure she took care of him no matter what.

If he needed a shoulder to cry on, she was that shoulder. She never let him get pulled into the toxic masculinity bullshit, a man can express himself without being judged for it, a man is allowed to be weak too. And in those moments where Jimmy felt weak, Kiyah was his strength. She would help pull himself up and She never judged him for it. If he was having a rough week, she would take him to the spa to help him relax. Ever since they’ve been dating though, if he’s having a rough week, she’ll run him a bath. Make him a bubble bath and sit in there with him and hold him until he got everything off his chest. She also would give him a message after his bath, and they would cuddle, and they would go to sleep. Kiyah always went out her way to take care of him. Feeding him, taking care of his skin and hair, it made him appreciate her so much.

Kiyah could say the same though, Kiyah is not used to be taken care of. Jimmy did everything he could to take care of Kiyah when he could. On days where she doesn’t feel like cooking, he’ll either order her something to eat from where he’s at or he’ll pull up on her with food. Nights when she couldn’t fall asleep, he’ll sometimes fall asleep on the phone with her or when he’s off he’ll initiate a sleepover so that they could sleep together. He cared for her health, something no man has ever done before. Comforted her when she would breakdown and would help her pick herself back up. Jimmy took care of her in ways she’s never been taken care of before. It was almost impossible to not fall for him.

Both of them taking care of each other is one of the reasons they fell for each other. It made them appreciate each other more than the other could possibly think.

After eating, they both got ready for the day. Roman needed Jimmy for something at his house (his original reason for coming home in the first place) and when Jimmy came back home, he found Kiyah watching The Good Doctor in the living room.

“You cooked dinner, I thought we agreed to get takeout?” Jimmy asked as he walked towards the living room, the smell of food trickling through the air.

“I know, but when you’re with me, I always cook for you.” Kiyah replied, turning to face him.

He leaned down to peck her lips. “Hey baby.” He finally greeted with a tired smile.

Kiyah smiled back in return, pulling him to sit next to her on the couch. He’s been gone almost the whole day; she was definitely going to take advantage of the time she had with him now.

“How was it at Roman’s? Everything okay?” She asked sincerely.

Jimmy nodded his head at her, letting out a sigh. He let his head fall back again the couch to soak in the moment, he didn’t mind going out of his way to help Roman get set up at the new place he just bought. He was surprising his girlfriend with another home, and he needed someone to help him set it up.

“He’s surprising his girlfriend with a new crib, and he needed help setting up. I think he wants to propose.” Jimmy elaborates and Kiyah smiles.

“That’s good. It's crazy to think out of the three of y’all, he’ll be the one to get married first.”

Jimmy chuckled, opening his eyes and turning to face her. “Right? But he’s been in love with her for forever. Ya’ know they say when you know you know. Plus, Sophia really held it down for him when he needed it the most. I’m surprised he took this long.”

“Sometimes you want to go through hell and back with someone to be certain that this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Cause when things are good, they’re good. But when things are bad, they’re bad ya know? The bad gotta be worth it.”

Jimmy let out a hum of agreement, it was something to think about for sure. Having someone to share everything with.

Kiyah watched him, a small smile engraved on her face. How could I get so lucky? She thought to herself. Her eyes catching all the small details in his face as she stared.

“What you staring at me for?”

“You so damn handsome.” She flirted, and it caused him to laugh.

“You see it, you see it!” He gassed himself up, sitting up to fake a pose. Kiyah playfully rolled her eyes at him.

“Boy, you so stupid.” She insulted, moving her body closer to his to lay her head on his chest. Jimmy moved his arm so that he can pull her in closer to him. “Let’s go somewhere tomorrow. We should make it habit of me coming here instead of you coming to New York. It’s way calmer here.”

“I don’t really care where we go. I just make the trip to your place because I like to pull up on you.”

“No, you just like coming to my house and raiding my pantry because I got better options than you do.”

Jimmy let out a chuckle, shaking his head at her. “I like coming to your house because I like being in your space.” He admits to her.

Kiyah softly smiles, tilting her head up to look at him. “I like being in yours too. I remember the first time you invited me over here; you checked me out of the hotel and brought me here to take care of me while I had covid. It was the first time anyone took me home to heal me back to health. I fell in love with Florida cause of you, ya know?”

“You cried your heart out when it was time for you go back to New York.”

“We had gotten so close I didn’t want you to forget about me. Then when you got back on the road, you made it a thing to come see me.”

“That’s why I still do. I know you real tender ‘bout certain things in your life so I try to show up for you in any way I can.”

Kiyah leans up to press her lips against his for a peck. “I love you.” She murmurs against his lips before pulling herself away from him. “Stay here and relax, okay? I know you had a long day so don’t worry about anything. I’m gonna fix you a plate and after we eat, it’ll be just me and you.”

And that’s how they spent the rest of their day together. After eating what she had made, Jimmy found himself on the floor with his head in between her legs as she braided his hair. She claimed it was just so she can have something to do while they watched the movie playing on the TV, but they both knew it was what Kiyah did when she felt he needed to destress. It was her way of taking care of her man and who was Jimmy to deny her that?

After she finished with his braids, they both decided to call it a night. In the bed, Kiyah laid her head on his chest with her leg thrown over his waist and Jimmy hands were stroking her back as they fell into comfortable silence to go to sleep. Kiyah had finally felt tired for the first time in a couple of weeks without the help of medication and she knew it was because of him. Jimmy heard her breathing slow down, felt how she was at ease to fall asleep with him being with her and the thought stayed in his mind for all of 4 seconds before he was speaking quietly into the air between them.

“Come with me on the road.” He suggested, and Kiyah, although almost finding her way to succumb into a peaceful sleep, had heard him. Silence had filled the air as she thought about it, and it was so quiet that Jimmy was convinced that she was sleep.

“For how long?”

“At least two weeks. That way I can make sure your falling asleep at night.”

It was his way of trying to take care of her and a lazy smile spread across Kiyah’s face because who was she to deny him that?

"Yeah. I’ll come with you."

Hand over heart I’m praying that I’m gonna make it out alive

Wednesday May 10th 2023

Jey didn’t really expect to see his brother come back to the hotel because he knew that no matter how hardheaded Kiyah was, he knew how much she really loved his brother. He thinks he was the first one to notice the dynamic change between the two of them.

In the beginning, Kiyah only came around them when Tez was around them because her cousin would be attached to the hip of her husband. When Kiyah and Jimmy started eating backstage together chatting it up about how much they like the fast and the furious movie franchise, when they made plans to binge watch the movie on Jimmy’s day off, it was then that Jey noticed the change.

To everyone else it came off as friendly, playful flirting even if you squinted, but Jey knew his twin brother. Jimmy was attracted to Kiyah in a way he’s seen his brother act before. But the two never crossed that line that superseded their friendship.

Until they did back in October. Jey thinks he was the first one to pick up when they did cross those lines, especially when Kiyah had visited to attend the halloween party the company was throwing. They were attached to the hip, and Jimmy couldn’t keep his hands to himself even if he wanted to. And again, maybe to everyone else it was just them being the best friends they claimed to be, but Jey knew his twin brother.

So, when he watched his twin brother walk into their rented out suit for the night with feigned nonchalant energy, Jey knew he was hurt.

“She’s not home or something, I don’t know, I don’t really care. I’m ready to call it a night, it’s been a long ass day.”

Jey watched his brother walk towards the sofa bed and plopped on it, it was then he noticed the bag in his hand. He had gone to get liquor.

“You were drinking?” Jey asked cautiously, he didn’t want to start an argument with his brother, and he knew if he didn’t tread lightly with the topic of conversation, an argument would be spurred.

“No. I bought it on my way back.” Jimmy replies, his tone monotone.

Jimmy was hurting, that much anyone can see but Jey didn’t really know what to do. He could’ve sworn Kiyah would’ve let him in so they could talk. She’s usually not that stubborn, especially not with his brother.

“Jimmy-“ Jey started but was cut off by his brother.

“I stood outside of her door for an hour, like a fucking idiot waiting for her to answer the door. I waited because I thought at first, she was gonna stand on what she said last time we talked before she folded. But she kept me outside like a dummy for an hour so now, I just wanna forget about this night, we can catch the first flight out this city because I won’t be here for no fuckin reason.” Jimmy vented, before he pulled the bottle of Hennessy out of the bag and opened it and took a large swig straight from the bottle.

Jey didn’t know what to say, so he just slid off the bed to sit next to his brother to share the bottle. It wouldn’t do anything; it wouldn’t change how his twin felt. If Jimmy was hurt, so was Jey. So, they shared the bottle to drown out the sorrows that lived in Jimmy’s chest. It wasn’t healthy but Jey knew Jimmy - he wasn’t going to do nothing else but get drunk to forget this night ever happened.

Meanwhile…….

Kiyah sat in her car with a blank expression on her face. Jimmy wasn’t there. He wasn’t home. She had thought to herself. Kiyah had knocked on his door and waited in her car for an hour to see if he just wasn’t home and was going to return but no. He hadn’t been home at all. Kiyah remembers where he would be when he was off, and he wasn’t home when they were friends.

Is he with her? Kiyah had wondered. It was a habit of his when they were friends. He would go see his ex when he had nothing to do, and he was bored.

The tears pooled in her eyes as the thought echoed in her mind. She couldn’t really blame him if he was with her, he’s tried to reach out and she didn’t give him the chance to fix things. She’s the one to break things off anyways so what he did on his free time was none of her business, but it didn’t stop the feeling of her heart being torn from her chest.

She had promised to call Bianca if things went left but she didn’t want to bother her any more than she has this whole day. She wanted her cousin to be at home, happily with her husband. Kiyah would have to deal with her broken heart alone.

And deal with it she did. Kiyah drove to the closest hotel near the airport and didn’t even get park the car for two seconds before she broke down crying. In the back of her mind, she always thought her and Jimmy were on borrowed time. With him being who he is and with what he does, she had her doubts. The doubts weren’t strong ones because any insecurity that she did have, Jimmy had putted them to rest with how attentive he was with her. But in the end, maybe he spoke some truth. Her baggage really did ruin the best thing she’s ever had. Maybe he finally realized that he could have someone better than her and left what they had where she left it and found something better…. Someone better.

What the heart wants

Present July 7th 2023

Kiyah’s heart has been beating out her chest ever since she left Jimmy to go get ready for the show. She didn’t know what she wanted to achieve with having a conversation with him. Bianca was trying to get her to go talk to him since this would be the first time the two are in the same vicinity.

“This could be your only chance to go see him. Could be your only chance to fix this mess and get your man back.” Bianca had stated to her. At first, Kiyah didn’t move from her seat. But she kept thinking it over, kept thinking about how much she loves him and how if there was supposed to be someone to be the one to do it… it had to be her.

When she had left him that night it was her who ignored all his calls, and when he had visited her a couple of weeks after the incident, it was her who ignored his pleas. He didn’t know about her trip to Florida so she knew, if they were going to have to speak, it was going to have to be her who made the first move.

It was all she needed to think before she did it. Now she didn’t know what to do, she didn’t come prepaid to talk to him. She had came because she hadn’t seen Bianca for a while and wanted to support from backstage in her locker room but now, she had to figure out how she was going to apologize to him and probably hope he lets her back in his life, even if it was just to be friends.

Yeah right.

“You need to stop trippin’. He agreed to talk right? Okay so just tell that man you sorry and how you never stopped thinking about him because you still love him and that you went to see him two months ago, but he wasn’t home, and you just wanted to mend things.”

“What if he’s already back to fuckin’ her?” Kiyah asked her cousin with a raised eyebrow. “I mean, let’s be serious. I broke it off and he could be comfortable going back to fuckin’ his ex ya know? We’ve only had been dating for six months.”

“Yeah, and knew each other for three years. Secretly in love with each other for the two years that you did know each other. Kiyah c’mon you can’t keep pushing. We don’t even know for sure if he was with his ex or not, your just assuming. You won’t know the full truth if you don’t go talk to him.”

Kiyah knew Bianca was telling the truth, so she nodded her head taking in a deep breath. She had to face reality if she wanted to get her man back. And even though every nerve in her body was lit up as if it were on fire, she knew Jimmy was worth all the anxiety because she loves him.

Jimmy on the other hand couldn’t get rid of the shock feeling he felt. Kiyah had showed up and wanted to talk.

“Aye Uce, you feeling okay?” Solo asked him, concern showing through his eyes.

“I don’t know.” He replied honestly. He didn’t really expect to see her yet, he thought he was going to be sad off the memories the city has given him and try to move on as fast as possible.

“Honest question, you still love her?” Jey asked, but everyone in the room knew the answer to that.

“Of course, I do.”

“Still wanna be with her?” Solo asked

Silence filled the locker room. But again, everyone in the room already knew the answer to that too. Jey knew that even though his brother was in shock, this could mean something for the two. Solo knew the same. Looking at his older brother, he already knew, this sparked some hope in his chest.

“I always wanted to be with her.” He admits to his brothers but shook his head. “But I don’t know what to say to her. It’s been three months, what am I supposed to say?”

“Well, seeing as she came to you, let her start the conversation. But tell her what you telling us… tell her you love her. Tell her what you wanted to tell her when we came here a couple months back.” Jey explained.

Jimmy’s heart clenched as he thought about that night, how all he wanted to do was profess his love to her and apologize and hold her until he had to fly back to work that Friday morning.

“Listen, somethings in life are worth fighting for. Obviously you both wanna fight for this, and maybe she’s showing up a little later than you want but would you rather have her give up on you fully? Is these three months worth allat?” Jey genuinely asked but Jimmy didn’t know. Is her going ghost really worth it?

The boys didn’t really have the luxury of time to do a deep dive into Jimmy and his feelings because they had to go out there and start the show off, especially after such a big win at Money in the bank.

As much as she tried to pull herself together, once that familiar music started to play on the tv in the locker room she couldn’t help but lock her eyes on the screen. It didn’t matter how much she tried to avoid him, in one way or another, every Friday, she found herself watching the second longest running television show in all sports entertainment.

But even though Kiyah wanted to watch the segment, she couldn’t watch the entire thing. Not when she had to prepare for the conversation that her and Jimmy were going to have inevitably.

“Don’t overthink it. He doesn’t hate you Kiyah, stop thinking like that.” Tez stated to comfort her and Bianca had nodded her head in agreement.

“Seriously, just think of it as two friends reuniting to make up for lost time or something. You and Jimmy were friends first, treat the situation as such.” Bianca advised and Kiyah thought about it.

Bianca was right, Kiyah thought to herself. It was never just Jimmy and never just Kiyah…. It was always Jimmy and Kiyah, and she should treat the situation as such. She’s going to apologize for hurting him because that was the last thing she wanted to do. She’s just so used to pushing, she never realized how selfish it may have looked.

But Kiyah knows where she fucked up at and she knows she has to make it up to him and for Jimmy, she was willing. Jimmy was the type of person to wear his heart on his sleeve for the right people, and he didn’t really deserve her cold shoulder. No matter how upset she was.

_______________________________

After the camera’s cut, Jimmy and Jey jump out of the ambulance and dapped each other up. “Alright Uce, gone head and take care of ya’ business. Let me know how it goes later.” Jey said as they bid each other goodbye for the night.

Jimmy had requested for a break two weeks ago so that he could really take time to focus on himself since after the breakup. Week in and week out, it him putting work first but he couldn’t really do it anymore. He needed the time off.

Now though, with Kiyah popping back up out of nowhere, he didn’t know what he want to do anymore. On his way back to the locker room, he decided he won’t think too much about everything. Kiyah was the type of girl who’s had her heart broken so many times that he’s not really surprised that she’s used to running… he just thought that it was different with him. He showed out every time that he could with her and he thought it was enough, but maybe it wasn’t. Or maybe it was if she was back and wanted to talk.

I don’t fuckin know; Jimmy thought to himself. All he knew was that if there was a chance between the two of them to fix whatever this was between the two of them then he wouldn’t shut her out. Not like he could anyways, not when he loves her much.

Plus, he couldn’t put the entire blame on her. It was him who triggered her. He triggered her flight and fight response. He hurt her when he threw her past and insecurity back in her face. He regretted it the second he said it, but it was too late. The knife had already made its way to her chest, the very second he said it. He knew he would apologize for it ten times over tonight because he didn’t mean it. He never wanted to hurt her, and he never wanted to be reason behind it either. He’ll never forget the look on her face, how devastated she was. Hopefully they’d get past it. Hopefully they would put this behind them and hopefully they could get to how they were before.

After Jimmy grabbed his bags, he had made his way to look for Tez but when he opened the door, for the second time that night he was face to face with Kiyah.

“Hey.” She greeted in a soft tone and a nervous smile.

“Hey.” He replied and silence filled the air between the two as they stared at each other.

Both of them just taking in the sight of each other, it was then Kiyah realized how much she missed him because she wanted a hug so bad and she knew they weren’t on those terms yet.

She contemplated just walking up and giving him a hug anyways. Her body yearned to be close with him.

"You ready to go? I don’t know where you want to to go but wherever is fine." He finally had spoken.

Kiyah bit her lip as she thought about her response, there was only one place in the city that she wanted to be with him.

"Can we go home?" She whispered out to him, and the silence filled the hallway once again.

Home. She had stated as if they were both living in the same place and she was ready to fall back into that solace of their shared space. Home. What they were to each other, even after all this time.

Jimmy nodded his head at her and that gave Kiyah the confidence she needed to push off the wall and wrap her arms around his neck to pull him into a warm embrace. She felt Jimmy freeze against her body and his hesitation made her tighten her grip. If this was going to be the last time they hug, she’d hold on until she couldn’t anymore.

When Jimmy wrapped his arms around her in return, Kiyah felt her eyes water. Neither of them said anything to each other as they held on to each other. Jimmy’s felt his heart swell in his chest, this was all he wanted. A chance to hold her.

They knew they had so much to talk about but in this moment, they let themselves hold onto each other.

_______________________________

The two sat in the living room, right next to each other holding each other’s hand. On the way here, the two didn’t want to be far from each other. On the drive here, Kiyah sent a quick text to Bianca to let her cousin know she’s left and will call her in the morning before placing her phone on DND so that she could give him her undivided attention.

Jimmy was tempted to light up, to ease his mind but he knew that this was a conversation that they needed to be sober for.

“I’m sorry.” Kiyah blurted out in a low tone, flexing her hand to intertwine their fingers together and hold his hand tighter.

“I’m sorry I shut you out. You don’t deserve that. And I know you’ve reached out, and I have this… I have the tendency to run when I’m scared.” Kiyah stated, her sentence ending in a whisper.

Kiyah’s heart felt heavy and she fought hard to keep her tears at bay but it was pointless.

Jimmy let her get everything out, his heart feelings heavy his chest but this conversation had to be had… no matter how difficult it may be for either of em.

“And I run to protect myself but I only end up really hurting myself in the process. And I know I hurt you because I shouldn’t have to protect myself… not with you. You were right you know?”

Jimmy lifted his eyes from his lap to look at her with a raised eyebrows looking at her in confusion.

“I do have so much baggage.” She whispered.

Jimmy felt his heart crack. He shook his head to disagree but she kept going.

“My ex left me with so much trust issues but to push those insecurities onto you wasn’t fair. That baggage was from that relationship and I’m sorry-“

“Kiyah, I didn’t mean it.” He responded, cutting her off. He wasn’t going to let her apologize for her triggers. “You don’t have baggage Kiyah, if that were the case you would’ve displayed it earlier in our relationship and you didn’t. I know what he did to you, and I know it felt like I turned around and did the same thing to you. But I didn’t mean it. I swear.” He stated almost in a plea.

“Don’t apologize because I triggered you. That’s on me and I’m sorry. I wish I never said it because I don’t want to be the reason you’re so upset but in the midst of my anger it just came out. I’m sorry Kiyah. Seriously.” Jimmy wanted this to be over, he wanted to get past this and forget it ever happened. He just wanted to be with her.

Kiyah’s eyes locked with Jimmy’s and she can see the sincerity in them. She can hear it in his voice. She believed him, it was something she forgave him for a while ago.

Jimmy lifted his other hand to wipe away the tears that were falling uncontrollably down her face.

“I’m sorry I hurt you. I didn’t mean it. And I won’t do it again if you give me another chance.” Kiyah replied to him, eyes pleading for forgiveness. “I remember when you told me you wanted to experience all your firsts with me, and I feel the same way. You are the first person I’ve ran back to, the only person who is worth it.” She admitted.

Jimmy leaned forward to place his forehead against hers. “If you forgive me, I’ll forgive you.” He whispered to her, making Kiyah crack a small smile.

“I already forgave you.” She whispered back to him and he couldn’t hold himself back anymore.

Jimmy leaned forward to press his lips against hers. The kiss shared between the two was one of desperation. Desperate to show their love to each other.

The heart wants what it wants

Jimmy and Kiyah ended their night in her room. The moment filled with passion, and they couldn’t stay away from each other anymore than they already did.

They made love for almost the whole night. Whispering ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I love you’ to each other as they shared their night of passion. It was to make up for lost time, it was to express themselves to each other, it was to show each other that their love still meant a lot to them.

When Kiyah woke up the next morning, she half expected to wake up to an empty bed but no. There Jimmy was, face almost buried into the pillow as he slept peacefully beside her.

It was the first time in three month she felt happy. The first time she woke up with her heart feeling content. She watched him sleep with a small smile on her face as she remembered last night. She hoped that those three months would just be water under the bridge, hoped it didn’t effect their dynamic of what they were.

And their regular dynamic would be her getting to make him something to eat but she couldn’t bring herself to get and leave. It was almost as if leaving the bed would shatter this reality, and she didn’t want to leave his side just yet.

When Kiyah woke up again, she noticed her change of position. Her head on Jimmy’s chest, and her leg over his hips with one of his hands rubbing her leg.

“Good morning.” She mumbled tiredly. She shifted her head to stare at him to find he was already watching her.

“Good morning.” He responded back, leaning towards her to peck her lips. “I love you.”

Kiyah felt her heart leap in her chest. She wouldn’t wake up any other way. “I love you.” She replied back without missing a beat.

They both smiled softly at each other. “I requested time off from work. At first it was so that I can sort myself out but, I think I just wanna spend my time here with you.” He informed her.

“We can go to your place too if you want. I can request some time off work and we can be on the first flight to Florida.”

Jimmy let out a small chuckle. “You’re so in love with Florida huh?”

“I’m in love with what’s in Florida. I love it here, don’t get me wrong but I love it when we’re in Florida. It’s quieter, a much slower pace than New York for sure.”

“I’m in love with what’s in New York, so I understand.” Jimmy replied and Kiyah pressed a small kiss to his chest.

Silence filled between them and this time it was a comfortable silence. There was one thing that was nagging at her, and she didn’t want to ask to ruin everything they’ve just tried to get past through. She’s not sure she could handle the truth, if it were true. Was he with her when I went to Florida?

“I went to Florida back in May.” She finally confessed, her arms tightening around him as the words flowed from her mouth. “I thought you were gonna be home but you didn’t show up.”

Jimmy furrowed his eyebrows as he thought back to a couple of months ago. “When?” He asked.

“The 10th. Tez told Bianca that he overheard you saying you were going to the airport and she convinced me to buy a ticket to come see you.” She explained and she felt Jimmy freeze. Her heart began to pick up its pace.

“It was the first time I’ve ever ran back to you. But when you didn’t answer the door I thought you-“ and Jimmy cut her off.

“I came here.”

Kiyah pulled back from their embrace to look at him. The shock was written on her face, she couldn’t hide it. “What?”

“Jey told me to come to New York to try one more time and I did.” Jimmy explained. A small chuckle ran through him. “I thought you were ignoring me when I came but whole time you were chasing after me too huh?”

She can feel the relief settle in her heart. No, he wasn’t with his ex because he came looking for her. They ran after each other on the same day.

“I probably should’ve called.” But Jimmy shrugged off her comments. He was over that. He pulls her back into him again.

“Do you remember what you said about having a love to remember?” He asked her and she stared at him.

The first time she surprised him at his house, she had a conversation with her friend about a love that’s worth dying for. A love that’s worth remembering.

“I love you and I never forgot it. These past three months all I could do was remember our love and I want to stop living in those memories and make new ones.” Jimmy expressed.

She understood what he was saying, and she couldn’t help but agree with him. Their love was one worth remembering, but their story didn’t end like they thought it did back in April. And even now as they laid in each other's arms, Kiyah finally thought, maybe this was the love Jack and Rose had that Alexis was talking about. But if it was, she didn’t want it to be. She didn’t want the love Jack and Rose had, she wants the one that Jimmy and Kiyah have.

#jimmy uso x reader #jey uso #jimmy uso #wwe #empresswriting #jimmy #uso #jimmy uso x black reader #jimmy uso x oc #jimmy uso fanfiction #jimmy uso smut #jimmy uso imagine #wwe fanfiction #empressdede #EmpressDedewriting

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gunilslaugh · 1 year

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5+1 Kwak Jiseok

Gaon/Jiseok

Summary: The five times you and Jiseok get mistakenly called a couple and the one time it isn’t a mistake.

WC: 2.16k

Warning: grammar (this probably always gonna be a warning lol)

2nd person pov

photo not mine credits to owner

1st: Jiseok had invited you over to the dorms on his day off to have a movie day. You gladly accepted since you missed spending time with your best friend, as being an idol kept him very busy and exhausted.

Once you arrive at the dorms Jiseok answers the door still wearing his pajamas and his hair unstyled, natural.

“Well don’t you look comfortable?” You commented with a playful glint in your eyes.

“So do you,” he retorted back. Referring to your casual appearance of a plain black hoodie and sweatpants.

“Chill day, chill outfit,” you simply responded, making your way into the dorm. Jiseok then led you over to the couch in the living room area where he already had Netflix pulled up on the T.V. “What should we start with?” you asked while plopping down onto the couch cushion.

“You can pick,” he said, tossing the remote at you. After selecting a movie the two of you made yourselves comfortable on the couch.

Subsequently after the third movie Jiseoks head had found its way onto your lap, while your hands found their way into his hair. This was normal for the two of you, platonic cuddling nothing more nothing less. You noticed about a third of the way into movie number four that Jiseok’s head felt a bit heavier and he was breathing deeper. He had fallen asleep. You chuckle lightly, but let him be. Knowing how tired he must’ve been. Not too long after you hear the front door of the dorm open. Looking over you notice that it was Seungmin and Jungsu. Motioning for them to be quiet, pointing at the sleeping Jiseok in your lap. They nodded understanding.

“Didn’t mean to interrupt your domestic couple activities,” Seungmin said.

“You didn’t plus we’re not a couple,” You responded about returning your attention back to the movie when you heard Jungsu speak.

“That’s not what Jiseok’s head in your lap says,”

“Friends can’t cuddle?”

“It’s not that they can't, it's just you two….” Jungsu trails off

“Just let them be man,” Seungmin says, patting his hand over Jungsu’s shoulder. The two of them walk off muttering about something you can’t quite make out.

2nd: Late one night you and Jiseok had found yourselves casually strolling around Han River. It was mostly quiet, except for the faint sounds of the water flowing in the river. Not many people were around.

“Remember when you fell into the stream at Mt. Deogyu?” Jiseok spoke while letting out a laugh.

“Stop, that was so embarrassing!” You said while shoving him.

“We should go again sometime”

“So I can fall into a stream again? No.”

“No, not so you can fall into a stream again,” he said whilst chuckling. “I just meant it was a fun trip and I’d like to do it again,” he elucidated. “It doesn’t have to be Mt. Deogyu. It can be someplace without streams''

“It was really pretty there”

“Yeah it was”

“Remember when that old woman thought we were a couple?” You brought up, recalling the memory.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Well aren’t you two just the cutest couple?” You heard a woman's voice speak as you and Jiseok were busy taking a photo together.

“Oh no we aren’t a couple. Just friends,” Jiseok kindly told the old woman.

“Oh sorry, you guys just look like my husband and I back in the day. Ain’t that right dear?” She spoke turning towards her husband. Her husband looked a bit undecided about how to respond, but ultimately decided agreeing with his wife would be the best.

“They do remind me of us,”

“Precisely!” She started happily. “Anyway, enjoy your hike,” she finished.

“Thanks you too!” You replied back.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Yeah, she was sweet,” Jiseok replied with a smile making its way to his lips.

3rd: “Seriously guys I’m telling you y/n and I are just friends,” Jiseok spoke firmly.

“How do you expect us to believe that when you guys act exactly like a couple?” Jooyeon interjects.

“We do not, we act like friends,” Jiseok states thoroughly.

“Oh please, you guys always end up holding hands or cuddling,” Jungsu pronounces.

“Platonically,” Jiseok refutes.

“Everytime the two of you hang out it’s basically a date,” Hyeongjun comments.

“No it’s two friends hanging out no more no less,” he corrects.

“It’s not like we’re the only ones who think this way. Most people mistake you two for a couple,” Seungmin points out.

“That’s simply because we’re a guy and girl hanging out, people like to jump to conclusions,” Jiseok defends yet again.

“But you don’t mind people mistaking you and y/n as a couple do you?” Gunil suggests making a knowing face.

“.....Well no I don’t particularly mind, but-”

“So you wouldn’t mind dating y/n?” Jooyeon asks, but it sounds more accusatory.

“Now you’re jumping to conclusions. Let me finish. No, I don’t mind people mistaking y/n and I as a couple, but it’s not the truth. The truth is we’re best friends and that’s why we correct people,” he concludes. “Now I’m done with this conversation,” Jiseok starts to walk away.

“But you never answered my question about dating y/n,” Jooyeon shouts after him, but it’s too late Jiseok is already gone. Leaving the members to simply stare at one another about the conversation that just went down.

“They may not be a couple now, but one day, one day,” Jooyeon voices while strongly holding up one finger.

4th: After leaving the convenient store with ice creams in hand you and Jiseok make your way over to the park located nearby. Sitting on a bench that was under some trees proving nice protection from the blaring sun. You notice Jiseok licking the side of his ice cream trying to prevent it from slipping onto his hand. You giggle at the sight and dig out a napkin you shoved into your pocket earlier.

“Here,” you said as you handed the napkin out to him.

“Thanks” he says, taking the napkin to wipe away the drips of ice cream. Both of you hurry to finish the seemingly rapid melting ice creams, laughing at one another's struggles. A ball then rolled over to the bench, knocking gently against your feet. Seconds later a young child comes running over.

“Sorry,” the child apologizes.

“It’s ok, no worries,” you tell the child.

“Your girlfriend is really pretty,” the said child tells Jiseok.

“Thank you, but she’s not my girlfriend, just my friend,” he answers back.

“Why not? You both look just like my brother and his girlfriend” Jiseoks looks over at you. He is unsure of how he is supposed to answer the child.

“Well we’re just friends, have been for a long time,” You told the child.

“Oh” was the only word to come from the child's mouth.

“Go play!” You said in an attempt to get the child to leave.

“Ok!” the child responded enthusiastically before running off. You and Jiseok could only look at each other and laugh. The thought of “why not?” plaguing both of your minds. There really wasn’t any obvious reason as to why not. It was simply that being best friends was all you and Jiseok ever thought about being, but what if that changed?

5th: “Y’know maybe we should just get shirts that say “Best Friend” with like an arrow that points at one another,” You tell Jiseok with a joking tone as you both sat on the floor in his room. “It seems like we constantly get mistaken as a couple,”

“Hey! Being mistaken as a couple got us a discount today. You can’t complain about a discount,” Jiseok brought up today's incident about the worker at the clothing store giving you guys a “couples discount”.

“The discount was nice, yes, but…..I don’t know I’m just being stupid nevermind,” you said with the atmosphere of the room shifting.

“Would it be weird if we were actually a couple?” He asks hesitantly.

“I don’t think so. Honestly ever since that kid at the park asked us ‘Why not?’ I’ve kinda been thinking about it,” You revealed eyes staring down at the floor, nervous about what Jiseok would think. Only to be greeted with hearing his laughter. You breathe hitches not knowing if this was good or bad laughter, had you just messed up?

“Honestly I thought about it before that kid,” he exposes.

“Seriously? Since when?” you asked, letting the breath you were holding go.

“I’m not exactly sure, but I know when that old lady said she reminded us of her and her husband. I liked it. Then there was this other time where the members were pestering me about how we acted like a couple. I simply refused saying we were only friends, but Jooyeon asked if I would mind dating you. I realized I wouldn't, it sounded nice even,” he finished now being the one to look at the floor. You smiled, the thought of dating Jiseok sounding nice to you too. You reached out your hand, so it was in between the floor and his gaze. At this action Jiseok looked up at you, seeing the smile on your face.

“Couple?” you asked

“Couple” he nodded, putting his hand in yours. Using your now linked hands he pulled you into a hug. The force of the hug knocked you two onto the floor. Breaking into a fit of giggles enjoying the now romantic embrace shared between you both.

+1: Arriving at the practice room for Xdinary Heroes with bags of food in your hands for the hard working boys. You knocked (kicked, due to your hands being full) on the door to the room. Gunil opened the door allowing you inside the room while saying hello.

“Y/n here! She brought us food!” He announced. At the mention of food all the members' attention was immediately grabbed. They all gathered around helping to take the food from your hands, while happily greeting and thanking you. Making yourselves comfortable on the floor, setting out the food. You and Jiseok naturally found yourselves seated next to each other with your knees lightly touching. After finishing eating and cleaning up the trash the members agreed on having a fifthteen minute break then they would get back to practicing. Jiseok’s head yet again found its way into your lap. One of your hands was occupied with your phone while the other found itself casually resting on Jiseok’s unoccupied hand.

“Look at you two being a couple again,” Jungsu uttered seemingly unamused. Upon hearing his Jiseok glanced up at you from his spot on your lap and you looked down at him. Small matching smiles painting their way onto your guys lips. Noticing the lack of correction about the relationship between you and Jiseok Jooyeon breaks out.

“No way! Aren’t you guys going to correct us? ‘We’re not a couple just friends’”

“There’s nothing to correct.” Jiseok states as he sits up from your lap. You grab one of his hands, lifting it up with your own.

“We are a couple,” you revealed

“I KNEW IT!!! I said one day y’all would be a couple and I was right! That day is today!” Jooyeon beamed with excitement.

“Technically it happened last week, but yeah” Jiseok spoke while resting his head on your shoulder.

“Took long enough,” Hyeonjun added.

“Seriously it was so obvious that there was something there between you two, but no you guys heavily insisted it was only friendship,” Seungmin ranted out. The guys went on about how annoyingly stubborn you two were.

“Ok! Ok! Y’know what I think it’s been fifteen minutes you guys should get back to work,” you interjected.

“She’s right,” Gunil confirmed. You made your goodbyes to the boys and Jiseok walked you out.

“I’ll call you after practice,” he smiled leaning in to give you a peck on the cheek.

“Ok,” You replied, also giving him a peck on the cheek.

AN: I have no clue how to ends this so I’ma just leave it here lol hope you enjoyed

#xdh imagines #xdh x reader #xdinary heroes imagines #xdinary heroes x reader #xdh #xdinary heroes #kwak jiseok #Jiseok #Gaon #gaon x reader

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charcubed · 6 months

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Look, I personally lose nothing if Lokius doesn’t become explicit canon. And if that were to become the case, I’d also have no regrets for saying for years that that would happen in the show by the end ¯_(ツ)_/¯

I’ve said it before, but by now it would be Disney/Marvel’s loss, NOT mine. Whoever wasted or limited the potential would be the idiot, not me.

I’m simply never gonna feel crazy for noticing what’s happening in a story or silly for daring to hope it’ll be brought to fully satisfying narrative completion. That's just a me thing. Maybe this is because at heart I’m stubborn! But I’d like to think I’m not unreasonable. I can’t control whether writing stays consistent or censorship is overcome... But I just do my best to construct solid arguments, and as long as those arguments remain solid, I stand by them :)

I know not everyone would say the same, or they consider this to be "hope" or "optimism," but I see it as logic based in noticing what the text of a show/story is doing. And personally I also consider blatantly evident subtext to be "canon enough," so if we get my personal minimum, my happiness may still outweigh any potential disappointment for me.

However. Here's what I've come here to say today, in reaction to things I've seen floating around in the fandom:

While I do understand on some level why people worry that Lokius won’t be more explicitly canonically romantic because it could be censored by Disney.... At this point, I don’t understand how people can think Loki/Sylvie will still happen.

As of right now, there’s no way to argue for that in my opinion. (I'd like to see someone try.)

The show has set up a fun but very simple situation from basically the start:

They made romantic love a point of relevance in the show’s story. More specifically, they pointed out Loki's desire for a "real" romantic love, and had him learn the lesson that he doesn't deserve to be alone. They didn't HAVE to do all of those things and tie them together. They CHOSE to make romantic love relevant – and they have actively continued to choose to do that, to the point of including a mirrored dark love triangle in s2 ep3. That narrative thread simply has to be fulfilled.

So if they deliberately established that Loki wants and needs a “real” love, and his relationship with Sylvie was referred to as "fiction" so she cannot be a real love for him.... Who does it have to be?

Obviously it has to be Mobius. And of course, the whole show points to Lokius also, for countless more reasons than just this simple breakdown. But pointing this element out is the simplest argument one can make.

So either...

1. They take Lokius to full narrative completion with explicit canon, as they should and as I expect them to,

2. Loki's desire for a real love is left unfulfilled, open-ended, and/or made clear through subtext that it's Mobius.

Those are the options, if you ask me!

This is aside from how Lokius’ love story is now even at the core of the show’s themes and plot, which is an insanely strong vote in favor for their future canonicity.

But for the purposes of this post, I’m talking about whether we'll get explicit romance specifically, like a love confession or a kiss – and I do actually genuinely think we'll get both of those things. I'm not trying to force you to agree with me, but just to be clear, that's where I'm at with it and have been since 2021 lol.

So in regards to worrying about Loki/Sylvie...

They were never really a romance (yes, even in season 1) and they sure as hell aren't now. I can’t imagine they'll become one even IF Lokius is left subtextual.

So what actually remains to be seen is if the writers got to go all the way with Lokius, or if that central queer love story was censored on some level in the end.

My hot take is no one should be ~worrying~ about Sylki at this stage of the game. Free yourselves, people.

If the story starts abruptly going in a Sylki direction, even with only 3 episodes left, I will certainly be the first to say so lol. But I simply sincerely, truly doubt that'll happen.

(Hot take in the footer: this is not the post to get into this at length, but in case this comes up… In this house we do not use the word "queerbaiting." It is a useless, nearly-meaningless, insufferable term that devalues the legitimacy of subtext and queercoding more often than not; it's rooted in the idea that media must hit arbitrary and inconsistent checklists often set with cishet approval in mind; and it perpetuates a focus on the false and harmful myth that many creators are "cowards" instead of leaving room for nuance and the fact that industry censorship still exists.)

#in theory: either we win or we REALLY fucking win.#felt worth posting this little disclaimer since some people are starting to actually see my meta over here?? which is new. hi #how many times can I remix and expand upon my old words from twitter to make a larger tumblr post? the limit does not exist #loki meta #lokius meta #loki #loki show #loki series #chars loki posts #lokius #meant for this post to be shorter. F #I'm not even done crossposting all my meta from last night yet. sorry to all my tumblr followers

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n0v4t33z · 9 months

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The Syndicate - Chapter 3: Soft Hearted Criminal

Pairings: Choi San X Female Reader, Park Seonghwa X Female Reader, Ateez X Female Reader

Summary: Y/N is a Detective with a promising future in the police department until she's kidnapped by the infamous mafia boss Choi San and from him, she learns the dark secrets her superior has been hiding the whole time so she teams up with him in order to put a stop to it.

Genre: Lots of angst, Romance, Crime Fiction, Psychological Drama

Word Count: 6k

Tags/Warnings: For Mature Audiences, Language, Graphic Violence, Mentions of Illegal activities (i.e Kidnapping, extortion, assassination etc.), y/n gets roughed up by Wooyoung like twice , Slow Burn, Fluff sometimes, Work In Progress, Non-Idol AU, Mafia AU, Very suggestive at times, y/n cries alot, y/n having inner turmoil, Ateez being bad boys, Wooyoung and Yeosang are a little mean in this story tbh, Guns, Gunshot wounds, Assassination attempt(s) ,mentions death and acts of violence

MINORS DO NOT INTERACT!!

Spotify Playlist🎵 | Series Masterlist📝

Author's Note 💌 : I was supposed to post this in the beginning of August but I ended up getting a little impatient so I'm posting it now lol so I hope you guys enjoy this chapter despite how slow it is, I promise the really good chapters are coming soon! -N

‧⋆ ✧˚₊‧⋆. ✧˚₊‧⋆‧‧⋆ ✧˚₊‧⋆. ✧˚₊‧⋆‧‧⋆ ✧˚₊‧⋆. ✧˚₊‧⋆‧‧⋆ ✧˚₊‧⋆.

The next day after mindlessly sitting there bored out of my mind I hear a light knock on the door only to see Seonghwa quietly opening the door. He gives me a small smile and mouths the words “Hey” Funnily enough I’m happy to see a criminal keep his word and not lie for once but it also doesn’t mean that I’m completely fond of the guy. Although I guess I can say so far from what he’s shown me I can mildly trust him enough to want to see him again just so I don’t get bored. “You kept your promise..” He presses his finger on his lips and says in a low voice “I told you I’d be back. I came here for a bit because I wanted to make sure you were okay.” I dryly laugh “Oh wow I- Yeah. I’m alright, a bit sore but I’m fine.” He looks at the ground for a few seconds then his gaze meets mine with a small friendly smile “So I brought you a book, I don’t know if you like to read or not but I thought maybe you’d want something to read while you’re here.” He reaches into his jacket and hands me a book, the title being “Dracula”. A smile grows onto my features admiring the cover of the book and back at Seonghwa “Thank you, I was being driven insane in here not having anything to do.” He lowers his voice “When you’re done just let me know and I can bring you another one.” He glances down at his phone looking at the time then he looks back at me slightly disappointed “I have to go now, I’m sorry it was too fast. Maybe next time I’ll be here a little while longer I don’t want San to-” There's a sudden knock at the door in which Seonghwa and I look at each other in shock. “Detective-” San enters the room and looks at both of us then back at Seonghwa “Uh? Aren’t you supposed to be out?” Seonghwa hurriedly gets up “Oh yes, my apologies I was just here dropping a book off for the Detective. She seemed bored so I thought maybe she’d like something to read.” He hums and walks over towards Seonghwa gently patting his shoulder “Make sure not to forget about the other person I told you about.” San glances at Seonghwa with a knowing glance. What was that about? Then again I don’t expect them to tell me anything, I am the prisoner here anyway. Seonghwa gets up and nods “No worries I haven’t forgotten I’ll let you know what I find..” Seonghwa looks at me with a half smile and exits the room leaving San and I alone.

“Good afternoon Detective, are you doing okay?” I shrug “I guess, I’m just sore. Jongho came by earlier this morning to give me some pain killers so I’m okay right now.” San fixes one of his rolled up sleeves. “That’s great to hear that you’re being taken care of.“ I stare at my lap not wanting to meet San’s eyes “It would be nicer if I could be let go.” San chuckles “Sorry Detective, but I can’t. Not until that issue with your superior is fixed” Of course he can’t, his revenge is his priority. “So you’re forcing me to stay just because you say so? What? Do you want me to get to know you or something too?” He shrugs “I don’t know about that, but if I'm being honest I think you know far more about me than I even know about myself.” I scoff ”That’s not true.” San lifts my chin up and looks me in the eye walking up dangerously close in front of me “You think I didn’t read all your reports and the file you have on me? You specifically stated my height and the previous homes that my family and I have lived in, including the ones before my dad became wealthy. Not many people know about my childhood home, the very detailed reports on the crime scenes I’ve been involved in just tells me that you dedicated most of your time investigating me.” Okay, I have a hard copy of his file on hand but I totally forgot I also have one in the database too just in case. Fuck, so that’s how he read it. I turn my face away and grumble ”I’m just doing my job, it’s not because you’re interesting or anything.” He chuckles “i see, well your obsession with me says otherwise.” I snap my head in his direction and raise my eyebrow “Excuse me? My only obsession is to put you in jail.” He smiles and leans in a few inches away from me “If you think you can do it, go for it. From where you’re sitting though I’d like to see you try.” I glare at him and swing my handcuffed fists at him, and without any struggle he catches my fists in mid air with his hand “If you want to hurt me you might want to be a little faster than that.” His gaze going from an amused one to a darker expression. Did I really forget who this man is? Choi San, the man wrecking havoc not only here in Ulwood but in my life as of now. The man who gets to choose what my fate is and here I am trying to hit him. So smart y/n.

I nervously swallow and lower my fists onto my lap “I-I’m sorry.” He lets out an exasperated sigh and runs his hand through his dark hair “How about we start over?” I awkwardly force a smile “Oh, uh okay.” What is wrong with me?! If I piss him off the only way I'm getting out of here is dead. “That doesn’t mean to be awkward, just be yourself.” How am I supposed to be myself when I’m literally in fear of whether or not he’s going to do something to me? Gosh, I’m going to have to just play along. I awkwardly lean back onto the headboard behind me “Fine. Why are you getting so comfortable?” San sits next to me and gives me a dimpled smile “Why not?” I nervously laugh “I mean I’m sorry but seeing you get so comfortable on my bed is just off putting.” I fidget with the chain on my handcuffs feeling the coolness of the metal between my fingers. San responds “You’re right, I guess it is kind of weird for a cop to see the criminal they’re after’s humanity.” The humanity in San? You’d think the man lost that long ago seeing his file. “Yeah, but I guess we can both learn from each other.” I force a smile and continue “So, um, What about your role model? Do you have one?” He glances at me amusingly “Wow detective these questions- Do you usually talk to people like this or?” Unable to cross my arms because of the handcuffs I roll my eyes “You literally kidnapped me, how am I supposed to talk to you like I'm not your whole ass prisoner?” San scoots closer towards me “I make you nervous don’t I?” There he goes again acting like that. “What? No, you just annoy me.” He looks deep into my eyes smirking, my ears and cheeks feeling very warm “ Hm, I don’t? Then why are your cheeks bright red?” He asks with a hint of playfulness in his voice. I thickly swallow and shake my head “No reason, it’s just really warm in here.” He chuckles “Oh, is it?”

He reaches over and pushes a strand of hair behind my ear “You’re very pretty Detective.” His cat like eyes turn into crescents when he smiles causing my heart to begin to race “Thank you” I respond trying to pass off unaffected by his charm but utterly failing. He gently brushes his fingers against the bruise left on my cheek making me slightly pull away. He gives me a slightly sad expression and sighs “I wish things would have turned out different and I didn’t have to resort to this type of thing.” Nervously I reach over to gently set my hand on his forearm, as annoying as he is now's my chance. “You know you can stop this right? Just let me go and I will see everything you need to be taken care of will happen, I’ll make sure to have the charges against you dropped.” He looks down at my hand holding his arm then looks back at me “No, I just wish it wasn’t you who has to go through this but unfortunately your partner wasn’t enough to bring Lee's attention or it would have been him who would have been taken.” I blink slightly taken aback and he continues “So, I’m sorry Detective. I just have to do this for my father because as an answer to your question from earlier, my father is my role model.. I know he probably wouldn’t have agreed with how I’m handling it but to me it’s what makes sense considering that bastard’s lack of loyalty towards my father. ” He’s crazy, but unfortunately I understand where he’s coming from. “I get it, but don’t you think he’ll be humiliated even more if he gets arrested? I’d like to add that in prison he’ll be a constant target because he’s a former cop.” San smiles “I’ll think about it” He’s lying, he’s just trying to change the subject.

“You know, I don’t know you on a personal level despite how much I know about you on file but what I do know is right now your hand is being forced. I know you don’t want to do any of this.” Maybe playing good cop as much as I can will help. He looks at the ground almost like he’s lost in thought “Yeah, something like that but not quite.” I lean in a little closer in hopes he hears me a little better “So tell me, is the Choi San you show the world the same one at home with his family, or is he different?” He glances up at me meeting my eyes “Actually, he’s different. I’ll go as far to admit that I have several versions of myself. How the world around me sees me, how my family and those closest to me see me, and lastly how I truly am.” I’m not surprised but that’s honestly sad. He probably had big shoes to fill when he took over for his father. “I see, so who is the true Choi San then? Is he kind?” Let’s see if I can get him to open up a little more. He nods “He is actually. I’m just normal, I’m nothing special. I only took over because I had to, Wooyoung suggested it would be good for my character since he thought I was too nice sometimes. Unfortunately after I took over I was not only under my family’s pressure but also under our allies’ pressure to continue to be just as equally harsh if not more than my father. I knew from the moment I took over that handling things peacefully was no longer an option out fear that my lack of experience would make them think they could just walk all over me.” I can tell he’s holding back, he doesn’t want to just say it. I can see why it would be hard for him to admit. “So what you’re saying is that the reason your crimes are so violent and harsh is because you’re under inmense pressure by the people who surround you to be more like your father, not because you want to right?” Gosh, I just feel so bad for him. That must be a heavy burden to carry all by himself. “Yes, kind of.” I press my lips into a smile “Well, just know you can always talk to me as long as I’m here. I’ll listen to you, I know it seems ironic with me being a cop and all but I guess since I’m here it doesn’t really count since I can’t really do anything..” He reaches over and removes my handcuffs “You’re right, you’re just a normal girl behind that detective facade you put up.” I get up and stretch my arms and legs “And you’re a regular guy hiding behind the mask of an evil mafia kingpin” He smirks “You’re very poetic Detective.”

He reaches over for my hand and pulls me to sit down again only he doesn’t let go of my hand and just holds it “You know, I don’t think I was supposed to you all of that.” I shake my head “Don’t worry, I’m not going to use anything against you if that’s what you’re thinking.” He lets go of my hand and slightly narrows his eyes “Okay, so how do you do it?” I furrow my brows “Uh, what do you mean? Do what?” Is he catching on? Oh gosh “You know, get people to feel so comfortable around you. Is that a cop technique or something?” It's not what I thought he was going to ask but what a relief. “Honestly I just treat people like humans, that’s it there's really no trick there.” From the corner of my eyes I notice him intently watching me and as much as I don't want to admit this, looking at his general direction is making me really shy, I feel like I shouldn't be looking at him "You are very sweet considering the type of situation you're in." I dryly laugh "You know being mean won't do me any favors and the last thing I want is for me to have to deal with Wooyoung or worse, a pissed off San. So I'd rather not." He chuckles, why is he looking at me like that? He's supposed to be my enemy why is it making me feel this way. “ Didn't you just now try to beat me with your fists and you say I'm the scary one?" I roll my eyes playfully while gently patting his shoulder "Yeah, well I'm not the criminal here sir." He blinks " What? So am I really that scary?” I nod letting out a nervous laugh “Yeah, most of my colleagues would always tell me how they’d be terrified if they ever had to face you.” San’s tongue touches the inside of his cheek looking a bit satisfied “Ah, so does that include you?” I press my lips into a straight line and I shrug “As long as you’re not pissed.” He gives me a dimpled smile and reaches over to pat my head “You don’t need to worry about that then, I really like talking to you so I doubt you’ll ever piss me off enough for me to react like that.” So as long as I’m good or Captain Lee doesn’t fuck everything up then I should be good. Stay on his good side. He lays down patting next to him “Lay with me” I thickly swallow “Um, may I ask why?” He pulls my hand enough to lay me down next to him “No reason, I’ve just heard people have really nice conversations like this.” He glances at me from the corner of his eye “I promise nothing will happen, I won’t touch you if that’s what you’re wondering. I just want to be San for a bit and have a conversation with someone.” I nod “Okay, fair enough” I lay back and turn to him only to realize he was already looking at me a little different than when we first met. Almost like his gaze soften up. I’m hoping being nice to him keeps me in good graces with him so that I can eventually leave this place.

So I think it’s been a month or so since at this point I’ve lost my sense of time. San, Jongho, and Seonghwa are mostly the people I talk to, especially San. He comes in at least a few times everyday to talk and hang out. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that some dark twisted part of me actually thinks he’s kind of cute or at least his more human side of him. Everyone else still kind of scares me especially Wooyoung so I barely say anything to the rest of them and usually staying silent when they enter the room. I'd also be lying if I didn't admit San and I started flirting a little? Okay, more like banter but it leads to the same thing, feelings. Although I'm still not sure if he actually means it or if he's just messing with me to get me to open up. Knowing him, I won't be surprised if he pulls a fast one on me because of his reputation and is just messing with me because he thinks it's a joke.

I sit in bed and I look at the empty dark gray wall grumbling under my breath “I have no idea what’s happening, I just want to leave. It’s been like a month and I already feel like I'm losing it being stuck in here.” I hug myself and bury my face in my knees and I silently begin to tear up from the overwhelming feeling of being homesick. I hate Captain Lee for being so selfish, I’m the one having to go through so much from almost getting my chest caved in to being threatened while he’s back at the station thinking that he’s lucky not having to be in my position and having the whole police force protect him. I really hope he makes the right decision or I won't forgive him for it.

About an hour goes by of me on and off crying ends up with me laying down silently staring at the door until I hear the door unlock. I expected someone else other than San but to my pleasant surprise it was him. Right as he comes in I notice how eerily silent he was, did something happen? HE 's acting quite different than normal. He sets down the food and sits next to me “Hey, I talked to Lee on the phone earlier but I have bad news.” He uncuffs me and holds both my hands giving me an expression with sadness in his eyes, seeing his face like that made my stomach drop. This is not going to be good. He lets out a long sigh and says “He isn’t going to expose himself and he’d rather have you turn up dead than renounce.” I feel nauseous.

I fucking knew it. I ball up my fists and instantaneously my eyes well up with tears making my vision blurry. I get up beginning to pace back and forth, my body feeling like I needed to walk out the anxiousness and anger “That fucking bastard… Now I have to die all because he wants to keep his dirty work under wraps.” I slam my fists onto the surprisingly hard wall completely ignoring the wave of pain going through my hands and wrists. “He fucking promised to get me out of here!!” I turn my back to the wall and slowly fall to the floor crying my eyes out. San walks over to me and sits on the floor next to me and holds my hand gently stroking my shoulder "Look, you’re not going to die." He pauses for a bit almost like he was gathering his thoughts a little. "We’ll make him think you are but you’ll be okay I promise.” I look at San with my eyes still glistening from my tears “What caused you to change your mind about me dying?” He shrugs then lifts up my hand up to his lips and gently kisses my hand. “ Well I was never intending to kill you. I was thinking and I came to the conclusion that yes, I could have easily killed you but those eyes of yours-" He pauses again almost like he was psyching himself up to finish the sentence he started "Those eyes, they made me so weak that evreytime you look at me it makes me really nervous. Almost like if I couldn’t see them anymore I wouldn’t forgive myself." He reaches over and gently squeezes my thigh "Besides, every time I’d come over and hang out with you I'd leave feeling so happy. So happy, that for those few hours I'm with you everything seems perfect.”

My heart isn’t beating faster, my heart isn’t beating faster, I swear it isn’t, I need to get ahold of myself. I look over at his perfectly chiseled face and I notice something I never really did before and it was that gaze that gave away exactly how he felt, the way his gaze lovingly connected to mine without hesitation made my heart race like I ran a marathon. I wrap any arms around San’s waist while I rest my head on his chest “Thank you, I promise to help avenge your father’s death and I'll also make sure to give you back what belongs to you. I owe you.” He looks down at me, pushes a few strands of hair behind my ear and gently strokes my cheek “No, you don’t owe me anything. The last thing I want is for you to think you do. I just don't want you to get hurt because of me.” I shake my head and I grab San’s hand “Look, I was wrong about you. I admit in the beginning I hated you, then after you told me what happened with your dad I sympathized with you but now that it’s been like a month since I’ve been here and that I've gotten to know you a lot more, I admire you. Even if I’m still scared of the type of job you have I've realized we’re not that different, we both have dangerous jobs and for the both of us we both lost someone due to tragedy. You, your dad and me, my grandfather.” I gently stroke San’s hand with my thumb.

“I know that deep down you’re not evil, you’re just working with what life has given you and I won’t judge you for it. I just want to let you know that I'll be here to help, I won’t just stand here and let Captain Lee get away with everything he’s done and not be punished for his actions. Nothing is going to happen to me, if anything now you’ll have knowledge on the police and their tactics and I know for a fact you won’t turn that down.” I give San a small smile then he looks at me and gently rubs his thumb on my cheek “Hm, you’re right I can’t turn that down but I also have something I want to ask you that I hope you don’t turn down either.” Is he going to let me leave? Maybe he feels bad now? “Yes, of course what is it?” San looks deeply into my eyes for a few seconds without saying anything, and slowly he gently tilts my head to look up at him. “Will you be mine?”

Hey, what? Woah. I mean I like him. But should I do it? Will being with him help me or will it seal my fate? Does that mean I can come and go as I please? Maybe that'll help me be trusted a lot more. It's the only chance I've got now. I nod and gently kiss his hand while I hold his hand onto my face “I would love to.” He slowly leans in to kiss me then he pulls back and gently caresses my bottom lip with his thumb “People like me aren’t supposed to have someone like you, someone so caring and understanding. So I never thought I’d be lucky enough to have someone like you.” It actually happened. Me, a former detective is now dating the Boss of the mob group I used to investigate. What a weird turn of events. I can't be too vulnerable though, despite how I'm feeling at the moment I have to remember all his crimes and that with one false move I could end up with them, another name added to the list of corpses Choi San has accumulated on his file. So as twisted as this is it may work in my favor so I can escape.

I lovingly stare into his beautiful dark eyes “I honestly never thought we’d end up together either, but here you are confessing to me. It seems so surreal.” For a few minutes we sit there in silence in each other's arms until San’s radio goes off with Yeosang saying “San, Ito’s replacement is here he wants to talk.” He slightly rolls his eyes in frustration and presses the button on his radio and says “I’ll be there in a bit.” He gets up and then helps me up and sits me down on the bed then he says “I have to go, but I trust you okay? No more handcuffs.” He kisses my forehead and walks over to the door closing the door behind him. Once he's gone I look at my hands and smile “I’m free.” The next step is to make Steven Lee regret he ever threw me under the bus like that, my mother and all my loved ones will suffer over the loss of Detective Y/N but it won't be in vain. I’d rather have everyone I love think I’m dead than for them to know and live with the guilt of knowing that I no longer serve The System. Jongho, Wooyoung, Seonghwa, and San were right. Criminals do have their own reasons as to why they do the things they do. Sadly the easiest and most satisfying way to solve problems is not always the correct way.

“Hey, angel eyes get dressed you’re going to be properly introduced to everyone, the thing is though they don’t know we’re together yet. We have to wait a little longer for that. I just don’t want them to think anything that’s not true.” He walks up to me and hands me a shopping bag full of clothes. “Don’t worry, I understand. You don’t want them to assume we fucked and that’s why I was left alive.” I get up and I walk towards the bathroom, slightly flustered he pushes his glasses up with his middle finger “Uh yeah, that and I kind of never told them that I wasn't ever planning on killing you mostly because I knew there was going to be issues and no one would want to cooperate properly.” I shrug and open the door to the bathroom “Kinda fucked up but, fair enough.” I wonder how much he keeps from them, how much of a front he puts up around them. It's kind of sad now that I think about it. The poor man can never fully be himself and only carefully curated versions of him to help fit a narrative of his choice.

A few minutes later I step out of the bathroom in an all black ensemble some black jeans, a nice plain black top, a leather jacket, and my black high heeled pumps. “You know I look a little dead with these eye bags under my eyes” San walks up to me pulls me close and gently kisses my forehead “You look beautiful to me, angel eyes." He pushes a few strands of hair behind my ear and continues "Besides meeting the guys today we’re also going to go over how we’re going to help you fake your death.” I fix San’s collar holding back a huge smile. “Alright, sounds like a plan.”

San and I walk down the hallway in to a huge conference room except it was more chaotic, maps, notes, and a bunch of other papers sprawled out across the big table. There were also pictures of dozens of people presumably enemies and other rival mafia members. While I look at the pictures a few in particular catch my eye. That’s me, that’s me leaving the station with Chris a week before I was abducted. They followed me everywhere and I had no idea. How did I not notice? Whoever took those pictures was so close, kind of creepy.

I notice all seven of the members in San’s inner circle were here. I’d be lying if I say I'm not scared, because any screw up and I could seriously end up dead in a trash bin. They're all very intimidating just like San himself. San clears his throat “So, i’m sure you guys know the Detective and I've brought her here today because from now on she’s going to be working for me.” Wooyoung and Yeosang give San a surprised face mixed with disappointment. Wooyoung shifts his gaze towards me and glares at me coldly “Why? We literally kidnapped her a month ago. I don’t even think we should even be trusting a cop especially after what happened.” San raises his hand to quiet down Wooyoung and says “You’re right, but Seonghwa, Jongho, Hongjoong and myself have talked to her and she’s reliable. Not to mention she now has a personal vendetta against Lee, so she’s definitely on our side now.” Mingi then says “Okay, what can she do? How does she serve us any purpose besides a pretty face? I know she’s a cop and all but if I'm being honest cops haven’t been very impressive these days and neither was she when we kidnapped her.” Before San could talk I say “Well, besides a pretty face I was trained in both long and short range shooting, and I have a few access codes and I know my way around the police databases. Oh, and about you being able to abduct me In my defense my little detective brain short circuited.” San looks over at Mingi who looked slightly annoyed at the sarcasm tinged answer “There you go questions answered, anyone else?” Everyone stays silent then San smiles “Alright good, so please treat her well she’s one of us now."

Wooyoung whispers something into Yeosang's ear while San continues "Okay, now we’re going to be discussing how we’re going to fake the Detective’s death.” Hongjoong says “You’re really going the extra mile with that aren’t you? Can't she just pass off as a missing person?” San shakes his head “No, because if she does that the police will still consider her alive thus bringing a lot more attention to her trying to find her and since she works for us now we can’t have that. We need to get a little more creative.” After a few hours of careful and meticulous planning a way to fake my death we come up with a solution but it wasn’t one I was too comfortable with and it was taking someone that closely resembles me, remove any identifying features, burn them until they’re unrecognizable, switch my dental records with the deceased and plant my police badge on the body. Sounds easy but unfortunately I know it's not going to be, for anyone, not for the person in place of me, the Aurora syndicate's goons, and myself included. Being on the dark side of justice is not easy, but I owe San for letting me live and I need to teach Captain Lee a lesson for betraying his oath to protect and serve his department. Not to mention he let one of his own to "die" in order to save himself the embarrassment of having to resign as a traitor. Most call it revenge but I call it making it even.

After the meeting, San goes over to his office to get things in order for the plan leaving me to hang out with Seonghwa at the lounge downstairs. “So, you’re staying here?” Seonghwa asks while he takes a sip of some tea that he prepared. I shrug and cross my arms in front of my chest “Yeah San kind of changed his mind after he told me that Captain Lee was going to refuse to come clean. I felt so hurt that I basically told him that Captain Lee and the department were dead to me.” He slowly stirs his tea then he says “Wow so you’re willing to drop your department just like that? Just so you know you won’t ever have to worry about us betraying you, we’re like a family here. Although it’s still a bit off putting having you not be in total isolation and not being in handcuffs.” I rest my head on the lounge's couch arm rest while drawing shapes on it out of habit " Well yeah, I kind of have to at this point. My decision tells you a lot about me. I drop traitors like that with no remorse.”

Seonghwa and I chuckle until I hear footsteps and notice a tall dark haired male extend his hand in my direction “Hello Detective y/ln, sorry for interrupting. I just wanted to introduce myself. I’m Yunho by the way, we didn’t meet properly prior to the meeting earlier but it’s very nice meeting you.” I shake his hand examining the very tall man before me from the meeting earlier but it’s very nice meeting you.” I shake his hand examining the very tall man before me. He definitely didn’t look like the type of person to be involved in things like this so to say that I’m shocked is an understatement. “Thank you, It’s very nice meeting you too.” He pulls up a chair and sits in front us then says “Detective, did you know that you’re all over the news? They still think Lee is trying to find you, I’m sure they haven’t told the press the whole story yet.” Feeling my hands get cold I tuck my hands under my thighs “Yeah, I don't think they ever will but just wait until they find “my dead body” I’m sure Captain Lee is going to make up some stupid excuse as to why I ended up dead” Seonghwa furrows his eyebrows “So are you going to go completely incognito and leave your past life behind?”

I let out a long sigh and look at the fake Monet painting behind Seonghwa, and with an expressionless face I respond “Yeah, I have to. I’d rather have my family think I died not being a horrible person than know I gave in to the temptation of taking matters into my own hands. without the assistance of the law.” Yunho looks at me with a saddened and serious expression clouding over his features “You’re a former cop we all understand, I’m sure your family never expected this from you. Sometimes to protect what we love the most we have to hide the truth.” I lower my gaze and i nod “Yeah, which is also why I think it’s best you guys call me just y/n since I'm no longer a detective.” They both nod then sipping on his tea carefully Seonghwa says “If that makes you comfortable then go ahead. Don’t worry.” He reaches over to me with his free hand and pats my head continuing his thought "It's also really nice just having you with us." Yunho gives me a warm smile and adds onto Seonghwa's sentiment "Thank you for choosing not to go against us, we really do need your kind of help especially with San's goal of getting rid of Lee. It'll be a nightmare that'll soon end." I press my lips into a small smile "Any person who's got the same enemy in common as I is considered an ally in my book despite the initial differences." Seonghwa nods "I'm glad to know we can count on you, despite how some people might feel about it." Is he referring about the rest of the guys? More specifically Wooyoung? "It's fine, I understand where that fear of them trusting a cop comes from. I'll do my best to show them they can trust me." I'll probably look like a fool trying though, they seem like a very tough crowd to please.

Seonghwa, and Yunho decide to take me downstairs to the basement where Hongjoong was, the same place I was taken to talk to Captain Lee. As expected, as soon as he sees Yunho, Seonghwa and I he groans “What are you guys doing here?” Both Yunho and Seonghwa look at each other then Seonghwa replies with “We figured we’d bring Y/N to come help you with the police databases, Me and Yunho were talking to Y/N how it’s nice to have someone so versatile with us.” Hongjoong stares at me for a few seconds then says “Okay fine, but she can’t touch a computer yet until she proves herself.” I smile and raise my right hand and say “I will after my funeral ceremony I promise.” His eyebrow slightly raises and he says “Don’t promise anything, actions speak louder than words.” Seonghwa gently squeezes Hongjoong’s shoulder and says in a low voice “Come on, San doesn’t just trust anyone remember that.” Hongjoong rolls his eyes and groans “Right.” Seonghwa looks over at me and says in a very stern tone “Please, don’t betray our trust.” He then gives me a half hearted smile and leaves with Yunho leaving me with this grouchy computer genius.

Hongjoong pulls a chair over next to him and pats it “Sit, I need you to guide me with some passcodes, just use my laptop at least there I can keep track of everything you do.” He pulls his laptop out of his backpack and passes me a laptop heavily covered in stickers. A small smile grows onto my features “You like Spongebob too huh?” Concentrated into his work and not removing his focused gaze from the screen he says “Huh? Yeah why?" I shrug opening the laptop “Just asking, I like that show too.” Too weary to continue the conversation he says “Cool.” I slightly roll my eyes. Okay Rude. I begin to work on accessing all the police databases and private records. A few minutes later I successfully finish and I tap Hongjoong’s shoulder “I’m done.” He looks at the screen then at me and clicks his tongue “Oh, wow. Thank you Detective.” I smile “No problem, and just call me y/n. I’m technically not a detective anymore.” He smiles and nods “Okay, I’ll keep that noted, do you mind if I see this?” I nod and he takes the laptop from in front of me. For several minutes I see him reading and looking very concentrated reading whatever he searched up. I suddenly hear the door opening and when I look up I realize It’s Mingi and Wooyoung, neither looked too pleased to see me.

I sigh knowing there was a slight tension not just with Wooyoung and Mingi. I tried to not think about that feeling of self awareness that I was in a building full of people who can just as easily take my life just as easily as they spared it. Don’t get me wrong I like San, but no doubt he still scares me when I remember all the crimes he’s committed. The detective in me doesn’t seem to want to die. “We got the girl Hongjoong, is San done?” My stomach drops as soon as I heard Wooyoung say it in such a nonchalant way. I sit there still unable to process the fact that this will be the first crime I’ll be committing not directly but It doesn’t feel right especially knowing an innocent woman has to suffer, but despite that my I still feel very strongly at getting Captain Lee back, not just that but this is the life I willingly accepted when I accepted to be San’s girlfriend and vowed to get back at that old coward even if it's only temporary.

Still preoccupied, Hongjoong shakes his head and says “No, still up there but I’ll tell him when he’s done. You go ahead and handle that woman, keep her quiet.” Wooyoung and Mingi leave their backpacks on the floor then both walk back upstairs while they talk amongst eachother. I really don’t want to know what’s going to happen to that girl before they probably kill her. No doubt she’ll be receiving the same treatment from Wooyoung as I did when I first got here. It luckily ended early but I don't think I would have survived if I had the full experience. Hongjoong nudges my arm and I’m immediately brought back to reality. I turn to him completely playing off that I wasn’t just sitting there in shock “Hey, these files of all the police reports that Lee did back when he started out are behind an access code do you know it? I sit there for a minute trying to remember it then quickly type the access code in the little white box. Once access was granted Hongjoong takes his laptop back and looks like he’s reading through some stuff. The rest of the time I was there I was sorting out all the files we seized from the server with Hongjoong while my brain in the background kept replaying Wooyoung's "little mistake" as he likes to call it. Seeing Wooyoung so nonchalant about this whole situation knowing he's going to kill that poor girl just unsettles me. Reliving every. Single. Blow. Over. And. Over.

‧⋆ ✧˚₊‧⋆. ✧˚₊‧⋆‧‧⋆ ✧˚₊‧⋆. ✧˚₊‧⋆‧‧⋆ ✧˚₊‧⋆. ✧˚₊‧⋆‧‧⋆ ✧˚₊‧⋆.

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vaguely-concerned · 25 days

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A Stitch In Time First Read Reactions & Thoughts Monster Post Part 3

Stumbling over the finish line if not in style then with enthusiasm!

Part 1, Part 2

- Odo looked as if he could use a spell in his bucket; I had rarely seen him looking so run-down.

<3 I love one goo man

“I’d better get this information to Captain Sisko,” Odo decided.

“Would you rather I tell him?” I offered. Odo looked positively drained; he needed to return to his liquid state.

Every time Odo is changeling-sleep deprived Garak starts to hear kill bill sirens and flash back to ‘the die is cast’. It is kind of sweet that he seems to be worried for his friend and not trying to gain an advantage or sneak around here tho.

The ironies of the situation both amused and irritated me. Here I was, the invaluable decoder of Cardassian encryptions containing life-and-death information for the Federation—and they won’t trust me with the code to wake up Captain Sisko. Ah well, it was never easy being a Cardassian on this suspended chunk of desolation. And then I laughed out loud. But what about Odo? The last time I looked he was a changeling, a member of the race of Founders that was determined to destroy the Alpha Quadrant. Not only did he have the captain’s wake-up code, he also slept with the station’s second-in-command.

LMAO you know what fair fucking point garak. Tbf I’m sure there are some people who’ve been assuming you’ve been fucking the chief medical officer too

But if Damar had thrown his support to the rebels … if it wasn’t a ploy… I wanted my revenge on him, yes, but not at the expense of liberating Cardassia. And it wasn’t just liberating the planet from the control of a foreign power. It was closer… more personal. I wanted something that was even more difficult to attain—redemption.

The doors opened, and once again I was alert as I stepped into the deserted corridor and moved past the sleeping quarters to my own. It was time, I kept repeating in my head. It was time to take our place among the planets and peoples of the Alpha Quadrant as a civilized and open society. It was time to repair the damage. “A stitch in time saves….” What? What was that expression?

*pats him very gently and lovingly on the head* This man can unironically fit so much character development in him

“You’re Khon-Ma, aren’t you?” She didn’t respond. “Being the only Cardassian on this station, I expected you a long time ago. What kept you?”

She should shoot you actually just for this

I stopped. What’s the point, I thought. All the stories were beginning to run together and they all had the same ending.

Smoking gun of ‘hm I think there might be some unreliable narration still lingering here’ lol. In a way all but openly admitting that like this is probably more like telling the truth for garak than telling the actual truth would be. From how we see him interact with Toran in the show I buy that the emotional truth about this is basically as he tells it tho — I think he’s angry and disgusted with himself more for having been unable to stop something from happening and taking that as being as responsible for it as the asshole who caused it, rather than actively making it happen himself. That’s the kind of pattern he has in so many other places in his life too, trying to navigate in the very limited space and with the very limited agency being submissive to personalities like Tain and Toran leaves you.

“And they were all killed,” she said even more softly.

“End of story, Remara.” I considered telling her how I had exacted my own revenge upon Toran, and that my only regret was that his death hadn’t come sooner… but what was the point? Another treacherous opportunist dies after tearing another hole in the fabric. What’s gained except the potential for more damage? I rose. The station’s gravity felt like it had increased threefold.

“If you’re going to kill me, get it over with. One way or the other I’d like to go to sleep.”

“Who gave the order?” she asked.

“What difference does it make? I did, if you like.”

Remara just looked at me. She lowered the phaser. Part of me was deeply disappointed.

The ‘has he been thinking with his horny brain this whole time or is he passive-actively suicidal’ conundrum. I suppose there’s nothing saying it can’t be both but I also think it’s more on the second side than he’d like anyone to know. I guess there’s no easy way to tell the guy who saved your life that you don’t really care that much for said life most days, and if you were offered some plausible deniability…

“You’re going to have to leave this station. They’ll keep coming after you until someone succeeds. Goodbye, Elim.” She put her hand against the side of my face, and I felt the heat coming through. Perhaps her passion was a curse as a terrorist, but she was a whole person … and she had found redemption.

Chewing on the idea of being a whole person vs. ‘unfinished man’ and ‘mosaic person’

- Gul Toran is someone Tain has warned me to monitor periodically.

Ah so Four Lubak is the future Gul Toran (the asshole in the Natima Lang ep if I remember correctly)! I see. That also means his snarking about Toran being made Gul is entirely performative he’s known about it for years lmao that was literally just to be a bitch yes wonderful

- The fact that Tain has an evil Romulan twin/soulmate and they hate each other fdskjfhdsa

- So interesting that it does take until middle-age and Palandine’s extended presence in his life before Garak’s sense of humor really emerges fully. It seems such an integral part of him in the show, it sure is Something that it basically had to be carefully tended to and supported like a lil flower by careful gardener’s hands (thank you Palandine I’m sorry your life is a nightmare)

- But I must confess that the toast proposed by proconsul Merrok left me feeling much better about the whole affair.

. . .

“At first I couldn’t think why you hated him,” I confessed.

“I don’t hate anyone, Elim,” he carefully explained. “I have a job to do—and sometimes it’s necessary to eliminate those enemies who can’t otherwise be dissuaded. And he was determined to block our interests at every juncture.”

“I don’t hate anyone” says man composed of about 98% hate per volume

“Oh yes, my boy—yes, you did excellent work. A job well done.” He had never complimented me with such unconditional enthusiasm. It was almost a demonstration of paternal pride.

“You see, I had this planned for a long time, Elim. But Tolan wouldn’t agree. He wouldn’t take on the assignment, and he wouldn’t pass on the information. But thankfully he trusted you, Elim.” Tain patted me on the shoulder, which meant I was dismissed.

Weaponizing Tolan’s memory against him. Fucked Up.

- Fear and isolation, Doctor. You can’t have one without the other. Fear isolates and isolation is fear’s natural home. Just as my orchids need carefully prepared soil to protect them against disease and pests, fear needs the isolated circumstances to deepen and grow without connective or relational interference. When fear is allowed to flourish in its dark and lonely medium, then any evil that can be conceived by the fearful imagination will emerge.<

This whole chapter is so fucking good, and it starts slapping right from the beginning. The way this works not only as a description of the larger crimes of Cardassia, but also the shape of his own life.

‘My orchids’ is very sweet, and a phrasing that occurs several times.

My feelings are spent, my moral rationalizations are empty, and I can’t say it’s not my problem when I’m pulling and lifting and throwing bodies of people who once only wanted to go about the business of their lives.

His life has been a series of violent deconstruction followed by reassembly of the broken pieces, and this should have been the most shattering of all but it comes across as almost peaceful. He finally gets to have his soul to himself enough to make something meaningful with it and put it together in his own time and in the shape of his own truth, even in the middle of such a painful realization.

Colonel Kira once told me how many Bajorans died during the Cardassian Occupation, and my mind rejected the figure like a piece of garbage. We’d been in the service of the state, I had told myself, and the state had determined what was necessary. But now I understand why she hated me. More important, I now understand that constant burning, almost insane look in her eyes.

. . .

Most of us who are left, Doctor, are insane. We have to be in order to survive and emerge from our isolation. It’s the only way we can live with the pain of what we did. Or didn’t. Each of us accepts the amount of responsibility we are capable of bearing. Some accept nothing, and these people are quickly swallowed by their isolation, their insanity transformed into a rationalized evil. A smaller group accepts total responsibility, and their insanity is an unbearable burden that cripples and eventually grinds them down. The rest of us carry what we can and leave the rest. For myself, Doctor, when a corpse is too heavy to bury I try to remember to ask someone to help me.

This man can hold so much fucking character development 2 electric boogaloo and HOW!! Imagine early seasons Garak saying anything like this! Even while I’ll also buy that early seasons Garak does have the capacity to get to this point in the end after enough work. AND the way it goes with his dream of Cardassia as a mass grave earlier/later on in the book — which also sort of indicates that the person he’s asked to ‘bury these bodies with’, as it were, before, was specifically Bashir. ‘You taught me to ask for help’. I’m so fucking soft for all the ways Garak is showing him that he touched his life in the very best and most beautiful way anyone could, no matter where they go from here.

- “I don’t know. I suppose I’m just trying to reconcile statistical analysis with Romulan gardens.” We lapsed into a long, stony silence. Usually she knew better than to expect a real answer when she did ask about my working life. We both tried not to venture into certain personal spaces; often the attempt functioned as a barrier. I’m sure she knew that I was more than a data analyst at the Hall of Records. She also understood that the less she knew about what I did the more chance our relationship had to survive. For the same reason I never asked about Lokar. The less information, the less damage if either one of us was betrayed.

Garak that’s kind of sloppy, of course she knows something’s up if you’re making it that easy to figure out lol

Another interesting detail: Palandine seemingly never learns that Tain is Garak’s biological father, then. Very emblematic of the way all those secrets were still getting between them despite their best efforts. And lending even more meaning to the fact that many years later he lets Julian find out in uh perhaps the most direct way possible haha.

“I’m of two minds. I know, that’s just another way of saying that I’m confused.”

Huh. I wonder if the way this is phrased suggests that that’s not a common expression in Cardassian and he’s translating it directly from Standard or something, or that his uh. Mental confusion/dissociation/fragmentation pops up enough that she’s familiar with it already here?

“Yes. What if they’re right? What if they could help us reclaim something noble in ourselves? Where does that leave us?” We stood looking at each other. The night wind gusted through the foliage and I wondered where I’d be if I didn’t have this woman’s friendship.

What a soft way to describe it. Really drives home the like. Wholeness of what she meant to him.

“It was a while ago, Palandine. I don’t know if they’re in the same place … or if they even meet tonight.” Her enthusiasm rendered me as helpless as it did when I first met her.

Julian/Palandine parallels time yet again

I looked at Palandine, and she now radiated with such light that I turned away, inexplicably embarrassed as if I had seen something I shouldn’t.

So sad somehow that they kind of drift apart in this scene, where Palandine finds something that helps her and he mostly seems to come away lost and confused, if cleansed. (and he still can’t cry with someone else in the room)

After Palandine had left, I had spent the rest of the night sitting in the Grounds near the children’s area.

How is this so goddamn sad fhkjshfa. They’re still just children, and no one is going to come pick them up from the playground, no one is going to protect them

- “Yes, of course,” I replied. I took a deep breath, and my disparate parts began to snap back.

Adrift from himseeelf. This is kind of what I meant about Palandine maybe picking up on some of his — this stuff. Which structurally pops back up in The Wire too, with how he tells the stories.

“You look like you’re not eating anything,” Prang observed. If Tain was the father of the Obsidian Order, Prang was its mother.

LMAO. And he’s constantly worried about his saddest son I guess. Tain/Prang most cursed DS9 rarepair idea???

- His other hand was now probing my skull behind the right ear. The man’s ambidexterity was impressive.

Lol diversity win: the mad doctor about to implant you with experimental tech is ambidextrous!

Oh. Oh no it’s the wire time. The fact that he’s one of the first agents fitted with it b/c his hindbrain distress tolerance is too worryingly low for their comfort…

When I tell you that this wire will give you no trouble, as long as you don’t meddle with it, you can believe me. You know that, don’t you, Elim?”

“Yes, I do, Mindur.” The man had never given me anything but superb technology and sound advice. “Please continue,” I submitted.

“Good boy.” Timor thumped my shoulder again.

HORROR SHOW CULTURE ONCE MORE and also. Praise kink revisited and made more interestingly fucked up. Also submission theme thread.

Do you think he’d meddle with the wire eventually even if he hadn’t been exiled. I feel like there’s a non-zero chance of that.

- I remembered the Hebitian frieze and its lush background. Of course we were different people: it was a different world. The more the forests receded, it seems, the more we covered ourselves. Their world didn’t need an agent of the Obsidian Order to investigate a group of prominent Cardassians who “happened” to be spending their vacation together. It didn’t have Enabran Tain targeting one of his bitterest enemies, Procal Dukat, a powerful member of the Central Command. And I’m certain it didn’t have fathers who refused to acknowledge their sons. If we lived on the next spiral of the cycle of life, how did we know it wasn’t going downward?

a) ‘what if the glass is not only half-empty but also leaking’ yes very cheery Garak and b) one of the rare times he lets not just his bitterness with Tain but also his longing to be acknowledged by him fully shine through. To me it seems like that’s the one thing that’s still too raw for him to dwell on in this narrative. He mostly doesn’t get into or sit with the pretty obvious fact that he loved Tain, and desperately wanted Tain to love him too. You can see the traces through the whole thing of just how angry he is with him now that he’s dead (GOOD! HE SHOULD BE! HE SHOULD BE ANGRIER; IF ANYTHING!), but that particular element of it seems too vulnerable to keep in sight most times

- PYTHAS IS BACK BA-BEY!

His grace was even more refined as he moved to the small house that was our assigned base of operations. If anything could have taken my mind off downward spirals it was the appearance of Pythas.

And the mutual crush endures (also with me I love a sneaky little twink)

“What was good for you, Elim, was usually agreeable to me as well,” he wryly observed.

The way Pythas is like Garak’s shadow — except in Garak’s eyes he does everything ‘right’, he doesn’t seem to have that same aching need for connection, he follows his orders easily, he’s perfect and he reaps the rewards Garak never gets. Garak never even resents or begrudges him any of it. And yet they end up in basically the same place when all’s said and done, in the ruins of Cardassia, and Garak might even win out b/c his trials with the mortifying ordeal of being known mean he has some people in his life he’s starting to truly trust, the way Pythas seems to with Nal as well. Thinking. A lot of things.

Over the years, his modest demeanor and quiet ways had turned him into more of a solitary person than I ever was. I had learned to withdraw my presence as a tool, but I was always aware of my need for contact, and that my value as an operative lay in my ability to engage others in a nonthreatening manner that drew them out. Pythas had learned to withdraw his presence as a way of life—and he moved through the world like a shadow. I was not surprised that Tain had recruited him for the “invisibles.” It took a special person to be able to operate in such unrelentingly anonymous circumstances—no family, no fixed base or identity—and there was no doubt in my mind that he was one of the most brilliant agents in the Order. Our relationship picked right up where it had left off at Bamarren. Other than Prang, I have never met anyone where so much was communicated with so few words. His eyes had a depth and eloquence that told me everything I wanted to know. How ironic that my lust for conversation was satisfied by someone who rarely spoke.

Ah, so if Palandine is the proto-Julian, as it were (and Parmak is the silver fox Ersatz Julian), Pythas is definitely the anti-Julian as well as Garak’s shadow hahaha.

- Garak is undeniably a city boy at the end of the day haha. Pythas help him out there in the jungle he doesn’t belong here I understand why you’re so worried

- In a way it was touching: the old man reverting to the mind control exercises he had learned as a child.

Garak. The warning bells. Should they perhaps be ringing merrily in your mind at this combination of words and letters. Oh well.

- “Yes, it’s me.” I squatted so that I was at eye level. I tried to soften myself, round off all the sharp edges.

Yes yes yes this is such a good description of that Thing he does. His ‘just a lil guy/tailor/gardener/funny spy man’ move

‘Carriers of disease’ and spreading poison motifs are back. Dukat Sr. uses it here to describe cowardice/Federation ideals/hashtag the SJWs/the forces that threaten to disrupt the status quo of the fascist state.

- I left the containment field in place and stepped outside to clear my head. No matter how objective I tried to remain, I could never remain totally unaffected by another man’s horror. Fear was a contagious disease.

This seems right to me — I don’t think anyone who could truly shrug off other people’s suffering would have to make up such webs of justification and alienation as Garak does to do what he does. Maybe that empathy is why he’s so good at it and also why it messes him up so bad over time

His *Working 9-5 slowed down & with reverb plays softly in the background* vibe about it is undeniably kind of funny tho

Contagious disease thread cont too, and not the first time fear is spoken of that way

“Who are you?” he asked for the second time, fighting against the toxin’s effect. This was one tough old warrior.

“Your worst nightmare,” I replied.

“Ah,” he croaked. “Then Tain sent you.”

- YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE fhdkjshasjh good for you Pythas isn’t there to hear it that is so embarrassing Garak (affectionate)

- Garak dreaming of being buried with the still-whispering mass grave of Old Cardassia… what the fuck I don’t think I’d sleep ever again after that haha

Of all of the people he dreams of, most of them are dead (or potentially soon about to be dead? Not entirely sure how that works out for Mila in particular. And I guess we technically don’t know if Calyx is dead, but after so long it seems very likely), except as we find out later Pythas. And Palandine isn’t there.

NO. NO YOU CANNOT TELL ME THE FIRST THING HE DOES IS CALL JULIAN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING NIGHT W H A T

“It’s not a medical emergency. Please, I realize this is an imposition.” There was a silence and I heard another voice in the background. Ezri Dax. A muffled conversation. The Doctor cleared his throat again.

“I’ll be right over,” he said.

This is so melancholy I want to disappear into a puddle of quiet yearning and never come back to solid form just put me in a bucket like the Odo.

This is also the first time in this book Garak has asked Julian for help rather than Julian trying to approach him to give him help (and being rebuffed). He’s called for and he comes :’)

He gave me his puzzled look, which wrinkled his brow. I was always amazed at how deep the furrows were for one so young.

Soft little detail time yet again. Garak has been sitting across Julian for years just looking at this face and picking out new details.

“ ‘There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.’” he quoted.

“Who’s that?” I asked.

“Shakespeare,” the Doctor replied.

“Hmmh.” I nodded in agreement, surprised that for once the author of the politically misguided Julius Caesar made sense.

Fhdskhfskjdfhsdjak you say that as if you didn’t quote the politically misguided Julius Caesar to your father’s face on a burning spaceship as you for the first time truly saw that he was as fallible as anyone else and invoking Bashir’s name in the process Garak

“Of who we are, Doctor. Our being. Human being. Cardassian being. But we have become these beings—are becoming, always in the process of becoming—on these other dimensional levels that are not limited by the measures of time and space. And the great determining factor of our becoming is relationship. Unrelated, I become unrelated. Alienated. Opposed, I become an antagonist. Unified, I become integrated. A functioning member of the whole.” The Doctor was thoughtful; his previous agitation had dissolved.

“You’re a scientist, Doctor. You have a deep understanding of this level. I don’t mean just the mechanics. You understand about relationship, the laws that attract and repel, the combinations that nurture and poison. Health and disease. Integrity and breakdown.”

“In your dream,” he said, “I presided over the burial of yourself and the people you were most intimately related to. Why?”

“You said, ‘for the good of the quadrant…. they must never be allowed to return.’ Why would you say that?” I asked.

“I can only think that….” He stopped and shook his head. “I’m sorry, Garak. This is not easy for me. I still can’t help thinking this was your dream. Even if I was invited … you were the playwright.”

“Yes, but put yourself in that part. Why would you bury these people and cover up the pit?” The Doctor looked at me in frustration. “Please. Indulge me. It’s vital that I have your answer.”

“If you and the others were carriers of some disease,” he shrugged. “In our fourteenth century on Earth there was a terrible plague, the Black Plague, which wiped out half of Europe’s population. People believed that the dead bodies had to be destroyed, burned … buried … because it was the only way to prevent the spread of the disease….”

. . .

The Doctor was studying me with an interest in his face I hadn’t seen in years.

“Well? Is it the Black Plague, Doctor? Or just the ramblings of an old spy on the eve of battle?”

“You’re an amazing man, Garak.”

“And my gratitude to you can never be adequately expressed. But I shall try,” I promised.

“Please. What have I done?” he asked genuinely.

“That time you extended yourself so generously and found a way to remove the wire from my brain without killing me …”

“I would have done that for anyone,” the Doctor interrupted.

“I’m sure that’s true, but that’s not what I mean. All during the time the device was deteriorating, I was convinced I was going to die.”

“You were even resigned to it,” he reminded me.

“I was also convinced that it was all a dream, and I kept asking myself what you were doing there.”

The Doctor was puzzled. “But what you just told me, that our dreams are just another way we relate … ?”

“I had forgotten. That point of my life was perhaps the lowest. I had forgotten many things. When I ‘woke up’ and realized that because of you I was going to live—at that moment, I began to recollect some valuable information.”

“About dreams?” he asked.

“Yes. But specifically about relationships, and how they set the course of our lives. You not only ’saved’ my life, you also made it possible for me to live it.” The Doctor’s face darkened.

“What is it, Doctor?”

“The time I wounded you in that holosuite program ….”

“Yes,” I prompted expectantly.

“I never apologized for my action.”

“And you must never apologize!” I urged.

“Please, Garak. This is not the time to give me a lesson on how to behave like a hardened spy….”

“No, no, no. On the contrary, when you shot me, my dear friend, that was the next step in my process of remembering. I was going to sacrifice the others, the people you considered your friends, because that was the only way I could be sure to save myself. You opposed me. Indeed, you would have killed me if necessary.”

“I’m sure it would never have gotten to that point,” the Doctor muttered.

“You would have killed me,” I repeated. “For the greater good.” The cliche suddenly had another meaning for both of us. “This is my last trip to Cardassia. I’m not returning. You were in the dream for a very specific reason. Once again, you helped me remember. Thank you, Julian.” I put my hand on his shoulder.

“You’re welcome,” he smiled warmly. “And by the way. It wasn’t the dead bodies that carried the disease. It was later determined that it was the rats feeding on the bodies who were the transmitters.”

“Then I guess we’ll go to Cardassia and look for the rats,” I said.

“Be careful, Garak. And look after my hot-headed friend, will you?”

“Don’t worry. We’ll look after each other,” I answered him. He moved to the door. “Did you really have a dream about Hippocrates?” I asked.

“Yes. Actually I did.”

“Why am I not surprised?” I replied.

First name use…

Disease contagion imagery, and this time it’s very clearly symbolizing y’know the fascism of it all. Weirdly moving that Julian takes a moment to gently imply that the disease isn’t inherent in the people Garak loves and has loved (or in him, for that matter), but in the conditions that created them.

There’s so much going on here idk if I could start to pick it apart yet, I may need to let this percolate in my skull for a while before I know what to say haha. I think part of it is Garak telling Julian to never apologize for showing him the full truth of himself (not least because that also lets Garak see the full truth of himself in turn), and Julian finally relaxing about. Something. He’s been ashamed about something he can finally let go of.

‘I thought it was a dream, and kept asking myself what you were doing there’.......I will never emotionally recover from this I want to write fic specifically about this lord have mercy on me

- *Tain Voice* with your hippie bullshit and your women!

*tiny garak voice* woman…

Over the years we rarely met outside his office; only an emergency or drastic change of plan would alter the routine. Now as we walked through the late morning sun and pedestrians at a leisurely pace I experienced a connection to the surrounding bustle and energy in a way that felt almost normal. A father and his son taking a stroll. Tain was heavier, and I could hear his breathing labor with the effort. He’s an old man, I thought. He’s mortal. I’d never thought about Tain in this way, and I became protective as we approached an aggressive knot of pedestrians at the edge of the Coranum Sector. One man was about to run Tain down when I intercepted his path and bumped him to the side. I ignored his challenge as we continued. “Yes, Elim. I’m getting old.” It wasn’t the first time he picked up my thoughts; this was how our conversations usually went.

HE BECAME PROTECTIVE

You know the way he keeps touching Tain’s arm and shoulder in The Die is Cast, like he’s steadying him or about to step in front of him to protect him or something? Yeah… he burns his hands on this stove over and over and over but he can’t stop trying to touch it :(

This was so typical of his manipulation. Just moments ago I was feeling protective of this benign old man, my father. And now… the irony filled my mouth with a bitter taste.

This is always & forever first and foremost an Enabran Tain hate zone

He moved to the covered seating area, where the sun filtered through the old vegetation. I had never been here with anyone but Palandine. With a long sigh he settled into a patch of sunlight on the low bench.

He’s like a fucking strangle vine he just winds himself into every single part of garak’s existence and chokes the life out of it

“Yes,” I answered. The benign mask was slipping, and I began to see the depth of his anger.

. . .

“You don’t know!” he repeated with a disgust I hadn’t heard since I was a boy and failed to record all the details of one of our walks.

Oof. Ow. Ack.

“And all this while, instead of giving up your life to the work, hardening yourself into a leader who could inspire others and expand the vision, you’re playing out Hebitian fantasies with another man’s wife!”

“Yes. Just like Tolan!” I exploded. “Perhaps he was my real father after all.”

Tain rose like a man many years younger and grabbed my shoulder in a powerful grip. His anger was now a murderous fury and it was all I could do to hold my stance against the pain of his grip. His cold eyes told me I had betrayed him. Worse, I had failed him. He let go of my shoulder and turned away from me. My entire body trembled. When he turned back he had regained his composure.

The biggest sin Garak could commit in Tain’s eyes is to dare to separate himself from him in any way; to be anything but his mirror, to act as if he has any claim to his own soul. I feel like more than what happens with Barkan right after this, this is what Tain considers the real betrayal.

Tain has never needed to hit him or become physically violent with him to keep him under control ever since he was a very small child, he’s relied on the terrorizing force of emotional violence. And as is so often the case with emotional violence, it’s been insidious and hidden enough, kept to private spaces and in the shadows, that Tain can pretend at plausible deniability b/c like. Who’s Garak even going to tell about it, for the longest time, if a miracle happened and he even found he could? Mila, who has joined the war on emotional violence on the side of emotional violence since probably before Garak was even born? (For understandable psychological reasons, but in unforgivable ways in the role of a parent.) I wonder if ‘making him’ lose control and expose himself and his violence for what it is like this (in public, even!) is also part of what he can’t forgive Garak for. This ah ‘slip-up’ is the first big crack we see in Tain’s image of perfect implacable control (which is very much still the impression you’re left with in Garak’s stories in The Wire too), in the same way that Improbable Cause/The Die Is Cast completely breaks that image down. He is getting old. He stayed in the game too long in the end and his iron grip is starting to slip and everything he’s forced to stay in place starts to slip out of that order with it.

Characterizing what Tolan was doing as ‘living with another man’s wife’ is SUCH a subtle burn tho lol like yeah maybe after the strictures of our society you SHOULD have married the mother of your child instead of outsourcing all your decency to the said mother’s BROTHER, Tain

Aside from anything else going on here (and there is a lot going on)... does Tain even know who Garak is at all, just on a personal level? Why, after knowing him for like 40+ years at this point, presumably, would you expect him to have aspirations or the natural inclination towards leadership, have you ever met him??? He’s one of nature’s perfect right hand men (well. Maybe not entirely nature’s, Tain did this to him very deliberately on top of some basic natural tendencies lol), he’ll get you whatever you ask of him and I think organizing a team under him for you could be part of that when need be, but never has he shown the least inclination towards leadership. (In fact, despite longing for the recognition coming out on top would get him from daddy I mean his peers, he seems vaguely relieved each time Pythas gets to sit in the big important chair instead of him.) He isn’t Tain’s mirror, for all he dutifully tries to move in the ways that make it seem like he is. And Tain should be smart enough to know that, if the narcissism didn’t completely blot out his sight in this situation, and/or it’s just the ‘setting him up to fail and then acting outraged when he does’ pure maliciousness reaching its apex.

(In a kinder time and a kinder world I think Garak could have a real nice time being one of nature’s extremely devoted Partners rather than simply right hand man. And I would like to see it please)

“From now on you will report to Corbin Entek.”

Oh, that’s the Entek of Second Skin, probably. Wish you a very ‘get vaporized for not knowing when to quit’ in the future entek

As I watched him leave, I felt completely empty and wondered how I could feel such emptiness. This sudden, wrenching reversal of fortune … everything changed beyond recognition…. And yet … there was no anger, no self-pity … no fear. Only release. Release from the secrets. Release from the limbo where, ever since I was a boy, I had been trapped between imposed obligations and feelings of mysterious longing mixed with shame. I felt empty … and free.

Listen to that voice maybe garak (not that I think there IS any way out at this point or that there ever has been in truth, that’s kind of the tragedy of the whole thing, tain would never ever have let go of him)

- Mila goodbye time:

“I’m afraid we’re not leaving you much,” she said. “The furnishings have already been taken away.”

“I wasn’t expecting anything.” I tried to keep all irony out of my tone.

“It’s your choice, Elim.” Her voice was just as neutral. “The house is yours to live in.”

Mother and son having a Carefully Extremely Civil conversation lol

“Do you know the circumstances … Mila?”

She looked at me. It was the first real contact we’d had in many years. She nodded slowly.

“Before I make my ‘choice,’ I need your help,” I said, surprised that the request emerged so simply. I wasn’t as angry with her as I wanted to be. Mila saw this and softened perceptibly.

This running thread that almost despite himself he understands and empathizes with her and her situation too much to be as angry with her as he probably should be. He understands her better than she understands him (than she could allow herself to understand him, even if she had the ability to).

I think that these apparently contradictory elements of his personality are part of what makes him feel so real in some ways, too — interpersonally he can be incredibly petty and jealous and judgemental AND almost absurdly forgiving and generous, sometimes seemingly simultaneously, somehow. The classic containing multitudes meme but like forreals tho haha. That is what real people are like too.

“I love her, Mila.”

“You’re a grown man, Elim.” I couldn’t decide whether she thought I didn’t know this or was seeing it for the first time herself.

“And Palandine’s a grown woman,” I replied.

“I don’t care about her. It’s you! You have to learn…” She broke off and passed me a cup which exuded the herbal aroma I’ve always associated with her and Tolan. Bitterbark and sweet groundroot. Moist rich soil.

“To control myself?” Mila blew on her tea. I shrugged at the obvious irony; I didn’t want to get into a fight.

. . .

Mila sat on a bin and sipped her tea. She avoided my look. As I positioned another bin across from her, I experienced a deep pain in my shoulder. It was still throbbing.

“Tain’s angry … with me. He wants me never to see her again and … to kill Barkan.” Still she avoided looking at me. “But you know this, don’t you? And you know what’s possible. Because you have your own … thoughts about this. Don’t you Mila?” I persisted.

Again she jerked away from me. Tea from her cup slopped onto the floor. “There’s no time, Elim.” She put the cup down, wiped her hands on the protective smock she wore, and looked for something to clean the floor with. “There’s no time for this.”

The mother/child relationship here is… y’know I talk a lot about Garak’s daddy issues for obvious reasons, but the fact that his mother recoils in fear when he tries to engage some sliver of real emotional intimacy with her prrrrrobably did some similar amounts of shaping him huh haha. (and he does this too in many ways — that’s partially where his trouble with Julian comes from in this book, whenever Julian tries to get too close Garak flinches away or counterattacks, for all that he clearly longs for it as well.)

The roundabout way you can tell her love for him even so tho. ‘I don’t care about her’. Palandine is not her baby, Elim, you are. Mila hasn’t been left with the luxury of love to spare for someone she doesn’t even know when you’re setting yourself up for destruction right in front of her eyes….

“I mean it, Mila. I would. But I think about her, feel her, all the time. Especially when I’m alone.”

Palandine/Bashir parallels once more and I really mean it!! There used to be a little Palandine in his head the way there’s a little Julian in there now. (and sadly she doesn’t seem to be there anymore, or maybe he’s just integrated what he got from her and let the rest go for both of their sakes, the same way he let Mila the regnar go when it was time.)

“Sacrifices?” In frustration Mila took off her smock to wipe the tea from the floor. “Elim, you amaze me.” Shaking her head, she got down on her knees and began scrubbing vigorously, as if the spilled drops of tea were hostile agents capable of spreading disease and destruction.

“Really? Well, I’m pleased I still have the ability—”

“Sacrifices,” she hissed, her control escaping like steam from a narrow rift. “What was the name of that book you once gave me? When you first came back from Bamarren. The one you proclaimed as the greatest Cardassian novel ever written and insisted that we read it.” Mila was still on her knees, but now I was the offending spot she vigorously rubbed with her words and eyes. “Generations of one family, each faced with the same choice at a crucial moment. Do they serve their personal needs or do they serve future generations? Do they choose the comfort of their own lives over the life of the state and its mission? I read it, Elim. You told me to and I did.”

“The Never-Ending Sacrifice,” I answered.

“Yes. That’s the one.” She made a sighing sound as she stood up. Mila was heavier now, and moved with greater deliberation. She, too, had grown old. “I suggest you reread it.”

“Tain always came first, didn’t he? I suppose that was your never-ending sacrifice.” I no longer reined in the irony.

I’m CRYING this is SUCH a mom thing to do. Her teen son came home with a book he waxed poetic about and she read it to try to understand him and never told him until now.

Also: disease contagion theme thread! To Mila, it seems to be tied in with the sentiment reading of it — the way her child’s suffering stains all her safe stable justifications and rationalizations that she needs to stay alive in this system. The remaining humanity that can’t be completely stamped out, even by Tain and a lifetime of fuckery. The ‘imperfections’ of life that can’t be subsumed completely into order.

Garak I think it’s better if you don’t recommend that book to people it clearly leads to disappointing interpersonal outcomes every time haha

“Tolan understood and accepted his obligations,” Mila said coldly. “But he was sentimental. Like you. That was the one thing Enabran worried about.”

I smiled in sad recognition. Sentimental. Yes, Tain and Mila had definitely shared their confidences and judgments with each other.

“But I don’t blame Tolan. He was a good man.” Mila watched me as I rose.

“Yes. So you keep saying.” I wanted to leave.

“She’s nothing but trouble for you, Elim. End it now. Do what Enabran says and reclaim your rightful place.”

“My place,” I repeated.

“Now, Elim. Otherwise you’re in real danger,” she warned with a certainty that reminded me of the time she’d brought me to Tain after I’d left Bamarren. Mila always knew what was at the heart of the never-ending sacrifice.

“Thank you for your help,” I said, too weary for irony.

“What did you expect from me?”

“To be honest, I can’t remember,” I answered. “Have a pleasant trip.” I smiled and bowed.

“What did you expect from me?”/“To be honest, I can’t remember,” is THE realest description I’ve seen of a mother/child relationship. This might say more about me than I should be comfortable with probably but still.

“Let Limor know if you’ll be living here.” I nodded. Yes, I thought, that would be my answer. My choice. She shook out her smock to determine whether or not to put it back on.

“Mila.” She looked at me and took a deep breath, as if preparing herself for my question.

“Who was Tolan?”

“My brother.” She decided to wear the smock, and I left.

I am SO FUCKING SAD. She puts the smock back on. That’s the closest thing to keeping either of them she gets to have, just the second hand reminder that they were there, small and innocuous enough that no one will know and no one can blame her. In the end Tain takes everything else, and she lets him because it’s the only way to survive him. GET OUT OF THERE ELIM PLEASE

- On an impulse, instead of leaving immediately, I went down the corridor to Tain’s old office. The door was open, and I stopped at the threshold just as Pythas looked up from a now much cleaner desk. He smiled shyly and stood up.

“Please come in, Elim,” he offered. What surprised me was how pleased I was to see him. Just as I had felt he was the only other person who deserved to be One Lubak, I now believed he was the only other person who deserved to occupy this office.

He smiled shyly did he fhskja. Also Garak’s enduring lack of bitterness towards Pythas is amazing. ‘Yeah I would be mad but he really is that good if it had to be anyone it should be him’

- She stopped just short of my covering shrub, and the sight of her face shocked me. It was swollen and bruised. One eye was completely closed, and the other contained enough pain for ten. It took every bit of my willpower not to reach out and hold her. Her one eye held mine, I knew she wanted to tell me something so important that she was willing to wait all night if necessary.

I’m so fucking glad Barkan is about to eat it for good. I only wish it could have gone slower and more painfully for him.

I wanted to laugh, and it took a concerted effort to gather my disparate parts in order to integrate my will.

‘Disparate parts’ motif (dare we say mosaic motif?) detected

“At least the smile’s gone,” the first voice said. I was fully awake now.

Barkan’s life is just being haunted by fifty shades of Garak’s shit eating grin apparently

“Flaunting your ‘relationship’ in public like infatuated schoolchildren.”

“Yes, I suppose it would have been wiser to behave like experienced adulterers,” I replied with a sigh.

“You’re the lowest form of scavenger, Elim. You have no attachments of your own, and so you feed on the emotional vulnerabilities of others.

. . .

“But you’re a failure, Elim. You even failed in your attempt to assassinate me.”

“I didn’t fail with Palandine,” I said quietly.

LMAO gottem

The chemical makeup of Garak’s brain during Barkan’s beating should probably have been studied by science it must be the strangest rave in there

The others were there—my fellow travelers, their voices murmuring tonelessly, producing a steady sound that permeated the medium and intensified our connection. Their voices speaking to me. Their faces, serene and loving, illuminating the darkness as they floated by. Everyone I have ever known. Family. Faces from childhood. Bamarren. People I had known briefly. People I have known forever. Loved. Hated. We were all just together now, sharing the same nurturing medium as we traveled along our currents until we gradually separated.

This… near-death hallucination or spiritual experience or whatever it is vs. his mass grave dream later… very birth vs. death themed

Faces formed and reformed. Each one superimposed on the next in a long line emerging from blackness. Maladek. Merrok…. The molecular structure of one giving way to the next…. Procal Dukat. Tolan. Floating into focus, receding back into the darkness. I shook my head, trying to stop the flow. The Hebitian mask. My face. I grabbed my “face” and screamed into it. The flow stopped. The molecules rushed together and instantly formed Barkan Lokar’s death mask.

I think maybe something came a tiny little bit completely untethered in his head in a way it’s been threatening to for a long time in this moment. It may just be my imagination tho who’s to say

- “Elim Garak. How the mighty have fallen. Welcome to Terok Nor.”

“Oh, I try to visit even our humblest outposts, Dukat.”

“This is going to be more than a visit, trust me. You’ll soon wish that the execution had not been commuted.”

a) ah garak/dukat sniping my old friend b) It seems Tain never spoke to him in that whole process, so that time in the park was probably the last time before ‘Improbable Cause’?. I’m only surprised he didn’t give Dukat the neutral face of displeasure to convey to Garak second hand honestly

- “I’m sure you gave him a more ennobling position,” I said.

“He was executed,” the toady replied.

“A promotion of sorts,” I muttered. “Certainly in this place.”

The passionate enduring Garak/Terok Nor hateship off to an immediate and roaring start

- Real ‘he gave them the heebie jeebies. He had nothing else left to give’ vibes on garak in this part of his life

- He arched his brows in a manner that told me he’d worked long and hard in front of a mirror.

There’s always time to appreciate some good Dukat dunking

“Your life means nothing to me. Just as my father’s meant nothing to you.”

“I beg your pardon? Do I know your father?” Dukat made a move to grab me and immediately stopped himself. I was impressed by his self-control; I knew how much energy fueled his hatred.

“No offense,” I went on, further testing his control. “Of course, Procal Dukat was a famous military figure. We all mourned his passing. But I never had the pleasure personally….”

At his most miserable, but also his funniest. It IS really interesting that his humor only really reaches its current state here, when he’s lost Palandine and everything else in his life. It’s almost like the only remaining way to be close to her.

No, I decided that I was not going to sacrifice myself to Dukat’s desire for revenge. I would do this work; I would do it so well as to become indispensable to the station… and I would survive. I refused to be buried alive in this humiliation.

‘Sort of suicidal: yes; willing to go down in history as one of Dukat’s Ws… fuck no’

- I pick up their garments and mend them flawlessly. When they complain that the price is steep (because I’m treated like a slave doesn’t mean I’m going to start undervaluing my work), I just give them the smile—the smile she taught me.

Fdsahfasj hilarious. You go Garak you know your worth

- (About Pythas and Palandine) At this moment I am almost afraid to discover that they’d survived. A part of me has wanted to bury that part of my life. The defenses I set up to survive my exile are obviously still intact.

I am often joined on my walks by Dr. Parmak. He’s a charming conversationalist, with a first-rate mind. His perspectives are always provocative. He does, however, have a tendency to proselytize for Alon Ghemor and the “Reunion Project” (the name they’ve given their group to remind people of the principles that formed the original Union). Whenever we encounter other pedestrians along our route, Parmak engages them and attempts to win them over to the Reunion side. This often makes for spirited exchanges, and although I am subjected to the opinions of people who should be given a new brain, I rather enjoy this peripatetic politicking. It’s something I would never have done on my own. In some respects he is so much like you, Doctor. If I’ve found someone’s opinion insufferably boring, he’ll kindly but sternly lecture me on the value of tolerance.

The wistful longing of ‘in some respects he’s so much like you’. ‘Although i am subjected to the opinions of people who should be given a new brain’. ‘Charming conversationalist’, is he. Garak you are a nonsense person and I adore you

One day I asked him how he had been brought to Enabran Tain’s attention. He never struck me as being a dangerous radical. It turns out that he was Tain’s personal physician, and that the great man had him interrogated because, the Doctor assumed, “he was concerned that I was in an ideal position to assassinate him.”

“I think he was more threatened by the fact that you were intimate with his weaknesses,” I pointed out.

“Well, certainly his physical infirmities,” he admitted.

“Which are also a man’s weaknesses,” I reminded him.

“The paranoia, the secrets, the power he held….” The doctor shook his head. “He must have been a difficult man to work for.” I smiled at his understated tact.

“He once tried to have me killed,” I said.

“Really? What did you do, Elim?”

“I survived.” The Doctor gave me a confused look.

“Survived … what?” he asked.

“Working for my father,” I replied. The Doctor stopped and just looked at me. His former fear of my eyes was long gone.

“A father who would murder his own son?” The idea horrified him. We were in the Barvonok Sector, where the tall structures of business and finance once dominated. “Oh, my dear Elim,” he said, this time with an empathy that stripped me of any illusions I had about Enabran Tain as a father. Surrounded by the piles of debris, oppressed by the low leaden sky, I finally began to surrender to the loneliness and loss that has preyed upon my dreams ever since I can remember. Even nothing is better than the ideas that have brought us here.

Go on without me I’ll be over here crying my eyes out

- I wonder if Limor Prang was one of the people killed in Tain’s Obsidian Order purge in Improbable Cause. If he was still alive that seems pretty likely huh. Well. RIP terrifying team mom I guess.

- Garak got his business up and running for real through a deal with Quark! Puts some of their interactions into perspective haha

I don’t do well with the kind of emotional exchanges humans seem to engage in regularly, and I have little sympathy for those who confuse the responsibilities of family with their duty to the state; but I confess that I am deeply moved by this woman’s plight.

Well it’s good the guy you have a thing for was raised British then he’ll probably feel pretty much the same way you’re perfect for each other

At one point she looked at me and asked me to hold her. I did. As I tentatively put my arms around her, I was so afraid of her need that I tried to keep her body at a distance. She would have none of it. She collapsed against me, and the sobs that convulsed and rolled through her body found correspondence in mine. I bit my tongue until I could taste blood in the effort not to surrender. Gratefully, the door to the Promenade was closed.

He keeps claiming he doesn’t care for the human tendency towards displays of emotionality even as we see it draw him in like a stupid horny sentimental moth to the flame repeatedly. The lizard doth protest too much methinks

- Unless I have business I rarely go to Quark’s; I have little tolerance for noise and stupidity. So when he saw me he assumed that I had another proposition, and I observed him shift into his engage mode.

Fun to see how this changes over the years, then! By the ca. Season 7 part of the book he has a few regular tables and everything. Also isn’t it so sweet that his kind of snotty attitude about this has not changed at all since Bamarren haha <3

- “The dead are dead. Those of us left—who believe in the ideals that have guided our race for millennia—are faced with the threat of utter annihilation by the very disease that has brought us to this sad place. Federation ideas will finish the work the Dominion began.”

Disease/contagion imagery (This is Legate Parn speaking, and he’s basically espousing the same view as Dukat Sr. As far as he’s concerned the call is not and never has been coming from inside the house thank you ever so much lol)

On the other side of Madred was Nal Dejar, a sharp-faced, saturnine woman who had been a member of my last cell at the Order. She once came to Deep Space 9 on an assignment with two scientists, and refused to make any contact with me. Judging from her averted look, she was still refusing. Next to her was a man with a severely disfigured face that was still recovering from what appeared to be burns. One eye was completely covered, and I was careful not to be rude in my inspection.

OH so it’s the lady who came along with Gilora and Ulani! The one who does not care for foreign food

Gul Ocett was persuasive in her quiet and reasoned strength. Indeed, the irony, Doctor, is that she was espousing the very argument I had made to you any number of times. Even now there was a part of me that accepted the logic of her argument, especially when coming from someone who was neither a fool nor an opportunist.

While you were stealth mentoring Julian in having enough spysmarts not go and get his beautiful twink ass killed at the first opportunity he was stealth mentoring you in the political and ideological underpinnings of democracy and the possibility of being loved BITCH!!!!

I simply smiled at him, genuinely amused by his amateur attempts to discredit me. I was surprised by my responses. I was here to play the role of double agent, and I found that as the meeting went on I didn’t have the energy for the requisite guile and misdirection.

Fdkjfhdsa ‘Aw. That’s cute’. He just doesn’t have it in him to work up the energy for cloak and dagger bullshit and it’s so good and so funny

And then a strange sensation went through me, Doctor. I looked at the faces of these people. Here we are, I thought, sitting in the basement of a ruined civilization and conducting business as if nothing significant had changed. The enemies were still the same, somewhere “out there,” plotting how to “destroy our character” and colonize us with their political system. And we were down in the basement with our own plots and shifting alliances, tenaciously holding on to the very ideas that had brought us here. But what ideas, Doctor? There’s nothing left. Only fantasies of power. These faces with their masks. With the ironic exception of the disfigured face, the masks hadn’t changed. They reflected the usual range of hidden agendas, each competing for dominance and ascendancy with an energy commensurate to the amount of fear and self-loathing that fueled and motivated that person. I started to laugh.

Amazing showstopping revolutionary good for you Garak

It was him, Doctor. It was Pythas.

EIGHT MY BELOVED WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE

“Thank you, Gul Madred, but I can find my way out.” I bowed to the company, and turned my back on them.

I continue to be so proud of him I have no words. And also this is why I don’t like Castellan Garak as a concept AT ALL. Leave him alone to his orchids and sewing and doctor fucking he’s been through enough he doesn’t need that in his life anymore he can do other things to help. Parmak and Julian would stage an intervention.

- Oh my GOD the cardassians literally just left terok nor without him overnight like Sid’s family in Ice Age fhdskjafh

Garak has been combining the wire AND being a barely functional alcoholic all this time. So at any given time in the first two season the chances that he is not only high but also profoundly drunk are overwhelmingly likely. This explains a lot.

Rom had a sensitivity, almost a delicacy that was totally lacking in his brother. Was there such a thing as a typical Ferengi? Most people judged him to be simple, as if simplicity was somehow a substandard quality.

Aw. Also maybe some hints as to his reconciliation with Tolan’s memory.

“Well, Rom, the trousers and tunic fit quite well, don’t you think?” I pulled the tunic down at the back. “Don’t wear it so far up on the neck; it ruins the line. And I’d be grateful if you’d tell any interested parties that indeed I’m still here and very much open for business.”

“Oh, yes … yes! And I like….” Rom made a broad, awkward gesture toward his new ensemble. I thanked him, and we walked out onto the Promenade, as if it were just another business day. We said goodbye, and I watched him march proudly through the ragged celebrants. I had a fondness for him. It was an odd relief, especially at this moment, to converse with someone who literally meant everything he said.

T________________________T surprise most wholesome dynamic continues to wreck me.

He stood for a moment, studying me, trying to divine why I had not been allowed to join the withdrawal. Unlike the others who assumed that because I was a Cardassian I had a choice, Odo knew that I’d been abandoned.

“Was there any damage or theft?” he asked.

“No,” I answered. I knew little about Constable Odo, but I was confident that he would never ask me questions that went beyond his function as security chief. He kept his distance and carried himself like someone who understood exile.

Odo appreciation moment as this is his last appearance in the book. Here’s to the small part of the fascist hivemind that harnessed those impulses towards the aim of becoming the world’s best and beigest mall cop. Unproblematic? No. But sometimes you simply love a good problem.

The fact that the narrative of this section ends right before Garak meets Julian. Probably a matter of weeks, max. You big sentimental sap lmao

- Parmak, Ghemor, and I stood silently among the formations, inspecting the results of our work in the first light.“I mean no disrespect, Elim,” the Doctor said, “but the memorial looks even better.” I nodded in agreement.

“Please, Doctor,” I replied. “ ‘Restoration’ is fine for artifacts and museum pieces. When it comes to building a new community, I think what we did tonight is more to the point.”

“And we did it without murdering each other,” Ghemor added.

“How un-Cardassian of us,” I observed.

This all rules btw . Restoration is fine for artifacts and museum pieces it’s not for things that are alive. Gardener vs. architect/collector, Tolan vs. Tain.

Alon said: “I think we should get some rest before the competition begins. We’ve done what we can.” It was a wise suggestion, but each of us knew that we were taking a step into the unknown, and sleep at this point was not really a choice. We had done what we could, and probably it was best if each of us retired to the privacy of his own thoughts. We said our goodnights, and as I watched them leave I felt an enormous gratitude that I had been given the opportunity to work with these men. Once again in my life I felt that I had been resurrected from the dead.

Nodding and crying gif. Yeah. Yeah… you’ve done all you could and no one could ask anything more of you.

- “You know, Elim, I’m neither a soldier nor a politician. I’m a doctor.”

“I do know that. I also know that we’ve been betrayed by our previous leaders. Our only hope is that men like yourself can offer an alternative.”

“But you have the expertise that can….”

“Doctor, I have the expertise that comes from survival and compromise. There’s already plenty of that on the other side … and it’s not an alternative that will create a new and lasting union.”

“No, I suppose you’re right,” he conceded.

“You’re a doctor, yes, and that’s your strength. I’ve learned something about your profession over the past several years. Don’t think like a politician. Think of the planet as a patient barely hanging on to life. Think like a doctor. How would you save this planet?” He considered what I’d said in his careful manner.

Just as it is vital for a person like Garak to have a little Julian Bashir who lives in his head, it’s probably also good for the Bashirs and Parmaks of the world to develop a little Garak who lives in their heads to go ‘yeah that sounds real nice in theory but now imagine that there are in fact bad people in this world (I should know) who’ll interact with that theory and then act accordingly’ . Garak realizing where he belongs in this whole process tho…

“Ah, Doctor,” I stopped him. “You can’t go to your meeting like that.”

“Like what?” he asked with a puzzled look. Without explaining, I helped him out of his worn outer coat and showed him a ragged tear in the fabric. Despite his protests, I made him sit down and wait while I gathered my sewing kit and repaired the tear.

“Appearances are very important to these people. You can’t let them think you’re oblivious to details,” I said, as I reunited the torn and separated threads.

The Mila fussing-as-a-love language of it all…

- (About Pythas) The thought occurred to me that perhaps I should include him in a chant for the dead.

DAMN but also YEAH

- I moved to the constructed formation that stood in the space formerly occupied by Tain’s study and almost directly above where Mila’s body had been sadly abandoned in the basement. When I was a boy, I had unending dreams that centered around the memorials of Tarlak. As I lay on my pallet in the basement of Tain’s house, I would plan the scenario that would play out when Tolan took me with him to Tarlak. It would always involve me as the hero paying homage to a comrade fallen in a battle where we had both distinguished ourselves. I would tell the gathered assembly of notables every detail of the battle; people would weep, cheer, listen in stunned amazement as I explained how we had saved the Union from certain destruction. When I had finished, Mila and Tolan would escort me through the adoring crowd. What a terrible irony, Doctor, that those forbidding, impersonal memorials to the heroes of the Cardassian Union should ultimately become transformed into these ragged formations on the grounds of my childhood home … and that I would sit here, a middle-aged man, trying to mourn a fallen comrade who was still standing but barely recognizable. And yet, the irony of a Cardassia reborn with the help of a memorial built from the remains of Tain’s home didn’t escape me either.

Taking immense psychic damage with every word. When do you stop wanting your mom and dad to come pick you up and take you home, even when they’re both dead and kind of not your parents anymore in two different ways even before that? Never, probably

- “What changed your mind?”

“Your friends, Elim. Very impressive people … and persuasive.”

“What had you expected?” I asked.

“The usual amateurs who never understood what was at stake … the hard choices that had to be made,” [Pythas] explained. “To be honest, I had thought your attachment to this Reunion Project was….”

“Sentimental,” I finished. He smiled knowingly at the reference.

CACKLING. All but openly saying ‘yeah I thought it’s was because you’re fucking the doctor and I know exactly what a god-awful simp you are’ fhskdjafhaskjdh

“As I listened to him speak of the responsibility that we had as survivors to the life that remained, I also realized how bitter and hardened I had become.” He stopped and looked back to Nal Dejar, as if he were making sure she was still there. She met his eyes with a communication I couldn’t decipher, and he nodded. “Nal nursed me back to where I could function … part of me wished she hadn’t. Until your doctor spoke about healing … on every level. It’s what the body wants, he told us … unless we choose otherwise.” Pythas sat with his head bowed for a long moment. “I’d become very bitter, Elim.” I sat on a rock across from him and gently put my hand on his. What was it about this place, I wondered.

Hmngh. ‘I’d become very bitter, Elim’. No matter what choices they made along the way, where they fucked up or where they did everything right, they both ended up in basically the same place, embittered and broken, until someone touched their life with kindness. Nal is Pythas’ Julian Bashir. Coming back to life not as an act of will but because there’s someone waiting for you there saying ‘I’ll help you through it’.

“Do you know where Palandine is?” I asked. He just looked at me. “Is she still alive?”

In the darkness, it was difficult to read the expression in his one good eye. The silence that followed my question was broken only by his rasping breath. Behind her mask of disinterest Nal Dejar was studying me carefully. Even when she was a probe I was impressed by the strength of her focus. Pythas was fortunate to have her care and devotion.

I think Pythas and Nal Dejar’s whole deal could make for a really interesting story all on its own. Presumably they’ve known or at least known about each other for a long time now, since Garak has seen Nal around even though they’ve never worked together closely

- Just enough light for lovers; just enough light to begin he says, only to open the next chapter/epilogue with ‘My dear Doctor’ and explaining how he finally decided to send the letter. Healing on every level? Maybe? If we’re real lucky???

- My dear Doctor:

Again, forgive my further tardiness in sending this—I don’t even know what to call it. Memoirs of a Cardassian tailor? I suppose that’s as accurate a description as any. You see, Doctor, I seriously debated whether or not I should send this to you. As I went over it I wondered who this mawkish and self-serving person was. Grow up! I wanted to tell him. Get on with your life.

Well, I am; and sending this to you is going to further that cause. As I said, I’m an unfinished man reassembling the pieces of a broken world, and I have asked you to be a witness because you would never judge me as harshly as I judge myself. You would never deny me the opportunity of a second chance.

I feel like those last two sentences are the most important ones in this whole book — it’s what all the rest of it is built on, what made any of it possible. And also it will haunt me for the rest of my days but like in a good life-affirming way lol

His playful grousing about ugh your vaunted democracy *eyeroll* <3<3<3<3 come down to cardassia so you can have spirited debates turned makeout sessions/foreplay about it already julian please he’s setting you up for so many slam dunks here

I live with my orchids, which have unified and softened the increasingly popular grounds of my home. Their beguiling blooms, and the presence of children who come to play among the structures (as I did in Tarlak), help to dispel the somber mood that initially hung like those clouds of dust over our world. The sounds of their voices as they play function as a music that never fails to lighten my work. The children call it the “tailor’s grounds,” and the name has caught on. Yes, Doctor, I continue to work at my “new” profession. As you can imagine, there’s a good deal of mending to be done.

TAIN’S HOUSE TURNED INTO JUST ‘THE TAILOR’S GROUNDS’ BY THE VOICES OF PLAYING CHILDREN Y_____Y I hope enabran ‘let history be my judge’ tain gets forgotten for anything but his massive fuckup and that garak works some magic with what little fabric he has at his disposal to make the neighbourhood kids like. Stuffed toys he sews clothes for and he’s known as the person to go to when one is damaged so he can patch it back up good as new while teary little faces watch intently and then brighten. Julian seriously pretends to be his medical consultant as they perform teddy bear operations, what with his extensive expertise in the field and excellent bedside manner. No arm is too amputated to be reattached and we can always find a good button to replace Mr. Tinny’s missing eye in fact he’ll see even better now. I have such hopes for them I have such dreams

I have expanded my shed in the never-ending quest to find my place. I feel that I’m getting closer, Doctor, especially as I continue to refine the structures. One, which began as a memorial to Tolan, has a crude but effective representation of the winged creature from the Hebitian sun disc—turned toward the radiating sun, reaching, striving, while the sun-fed filaments stream down from the body and connect with the bodies of people standing on a globe and looking up to the creature for this divine connection…. I’ve attached the recitation mask he gave me to the creature’s face, and somehow it has become my personal totem. I hope that someday you’ll have the opportunity to see it. Nothing would please me more. You’re always welcome, Doctor.

You are always welcome, Doctor is one of those ‘you could slap that on my gravestone and I’d be happy about it’ lines. What a ride huh

Aside from anything else about this book (I think we can safely let this absolute monster of a three part reaction post be testament to my enjoyment and admiration right I hope I have made no secret of it lol) I want to congratulate Andrew Robinson for getting a novel-length character study written in first person (my beloved) published — as I understand it that’s normally a pretty hard sell in the publishing industry haha he was living the dream I one day fervently hope to as well and the results rule

#a stitch in time #asit #garashir #elim garak #star trek #star trek ds9 #ds9 #julian bashir #The great ASIT first read adventure #ds9 meta #and there we go! now to think about the little julian bashir that lives in garak's head forever probably

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