#literally fuck around and find out with life. do what you want. find out what your needs for happiness are
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i have never thought of the bg3 paths as railroaded before but oh my god... i see your vision. i think that, for all that can be picked apart in the writing of dragon age, the worldbuilding in that series is so so interested in complicating all factions that you can envision a character who /makes sense/ while bouncing through various ideologies. and the sort of fantasy writing in (most of) the forgotten realms doesn't really allow for that.
dao is particularly the light of my life because the origins mechanic is specifically intended to let you create a character who has a distinctive perspective on the world that’s grounded in the worldbuilding. one of my favourite aspects of this is several origins having completely different codex entries on their own culture as opposed to those an outsider would get. it’s really good! it’s also a reasonably grounded world (while obviously silly) because, like, the basic fundamental premise of thedas, from which they ikea flatpack built almost every feature, is “how would people react to magical and fantastical diversity? the same way they react to human diversity.” you’re meant to feel like, aside from i guess the darkspawn, people are normal and have real motivations. sure it has to fulfil certain roles in a story, and dragon age was manufactured too quickly and purposefully for everything to land feeling authentic, but evil in dragon age should feel recognisable. and in most of the origins they give you a chance to do something that is bad, but also totally makes sense, because of the context of your character belonging to this world where these things happen
in dnd/the forgotten realms it’s a bit different because capital e Evil exists, so there are people and deities and devils (and, to open another can of worms, races) whose entire goal is to Do Evil. it’s also harder to produce grounded evil because in a world where i’m being given basically no context and just told to make whatever i want, i don’t have an inch of the kind of social information i get from for example a dao origin: what my character has been taught to believe they should do to survive, who they are willing to sacrifice, whatever. bg3 also happens to have a main plot goal that is, at least for the first part of the game, broadly selfish (“i am sick, and i need a cure”) which works really well for getting a bunch of people with vastly differing moral standards to band together for the same goal, and not so good for any kind of “greater good” type blurred morality, so that’s out too
however much the worldbuilding factors into this, bg3 specifically went for quite a clear distinction between the good path and the capital e Evil Path, and i find it pretty hard to vary up the good path. when i say railroaded i mean you either do the specific thing that gets you a quest down the line or not. i was really disappointed actually in my playthrough where i totally fucked up in the druids’ grove and caused a fight to break out, because it immediately instakilled tons of characters i knew i would need down the line. the few it spared needed some of the dead ones to stay alive in later quests, so it’s like... oh. that’s just... over. for both factions. bg3 arguably lets you do basically anything you want but they are able to do that because if you fuck around it just breaks the entire quest line from coming up again, which means playing a character who fucks up is not even really going to get me consequences it’s just going to cut content from the game. does that make sense? and then the Evil Path is just straight up evil, like... there’s no way for me to complicate and empathise, here, especially playing a blank canvas character whose motivations i would have to make up from nothing, and who faces basically no consequences for not doing this. the only neutral/cowardly/self-interested option in act 1 is to do neither path, which gets me the least content because i literally don’t get to play the fucking game
i don’t know, i’m not saying it’s necessarily bad just that it’s hard for me, personally, and how i like to create characters. especially when you have my constant restart disease and you have to do this all over again a dozen times just for a handful of different dialogue. does any of that make sense
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"There Goes the Groom" and Buck's Queer Joy
Hey so...remember when I did post ep meta for two years? Anyway we're back like we've never left.
Best Hen <3
OBSESSED with micromanaging party planner Evan Buckley. The clipboard was there in spirit.
"You are late."
I'll take married for several years for $500, Alex.
"Ooo sliders."
"Ah ah. No."
"You didn't just do that." PLEASE
Tommy giving Eddie a bro-y high five and then a soft, sweet "hey" for Buck and a hug??? Fellas I might need to be sedated.
Also obsessed with the tinge of bitchiness in Eddie's tone. It's like jealousy without even realizing it's jealousy. And I think it's an interesting mix of "hey my best friend has a new friend" and something else that Eddie cannot label.
Ryan Guzman you must be studied for that little side eye lmfaoooo
I LOVEEEEE TOMMY HE'S SUCH A BITCH, he said I do not care for your party themes. Me for real.
Why were they all so obsessed with the sliders???? I love them all so much.
"Reach for them and you'll be pulling back a bloody stump." WITH THE RAISED EYEBROWS AND THE LITTLE HEAD TILT RYAN GUZMAN I AM KISSING YOU ON THE MOUTH.
"Wholesome, 80s-themed karaoke."
Buck was a party planner in another life and I stand by that.
"We should totally go as Crockett and Tubbs."
"Absolutely."
They are literally this meme:
The little shoulder rub that Buck gives Tommy <333333333333
The way Buck and Eddie are sitting during the party scene, Buck's arm absolutely SLUNG around his shoulder...yeah okay. Okay. I'm normal about this.
The whole party was two idiot best friends pointing at each other and saying "exactlyyyyyy." Yes, I would die for them.
I just want to say that every single thing about Chimney's journey this episode was heartbreaking and scary and I HATED that I didn't know what was going to happen to him the whole time. Ok thanks for your time.
From that guy stealing his car to every Doug jumpscare, I think they did a really good job freaking the audience (at least...me) the fuck out without actually revealing what had happened. Like..we know he's sick, we know something's wrong, but it was a well-paced episode, even if in my perfect world it would have been like two hours long lol.
And the fact that Maddie is always going to look for him, always going to find him, just like he would do for her...don't look at me I'm emo.
Chim essentially pushing the fact that he is actively dying from encephalitis to the side because being a paramedic and saving lives is so deeply ingrained in him it's something the can't forget? He's so important to me.
Then...Kevin. He's such a huge part of Chim's life, his arc, how he became a firefighter, and it essentially include him in the wedding (even though it was in a very scary way), I think it's a really great take on the idea that our loved ones who can't be there for milestones are there even when we can't see them, especially with his line "you invited me, remember?"
Doug was never there, but Kevin was, Kevin will be there even when Chim can't see him.
"I was trying to get back to you the whole time." THEY ARE EVERYTHING HOW CAN YOU NOT LOVE THEM. ALL THEY'VE BEEN THROUGH, ALL THEY'VE HAD TO DO, AND THEY STILL FOUGHT FOR AND CAME BACK TO EACH OTHER!!!!
Bobby officiating and saying "and the Los Angeles Fire Department" THEY ARE A FAMILY!!!!
And then...perhaps one of thee most important scenes ever aired on television ever:
"Sorry I'm late, that fire was a beast."
"So are you."
And STRAIGHT in for a SERIOUS kiss??????? 911 writers room you can have my life, take it, it's already yours.
Tommy's little huff of surprise and then hum of "yeah okay I'm down for this." PUT THEM IN THE DICTIONARY NEXT TO THE CUTEST COUPLE OF ALL TIME
And last...Buck coming in to the room where his family, both blood and chosen, is, with soot all over his face, and a smile so bright that it had to have lit up the entire west coast, not caring who saw him or who knew exactly what he had just been doing...yeah, that's what this shit is all about.
EDDIE'S beautiful smile when he realizes how happy Buck is they are best friends FIRST and that is all that matters to me!!!
Hen being like "it's about damn time." SO TRUE QUEEN OF COURSE SHE KNEW!!!!!
I haven't really been able to put this into words yet, but the way they are handling Buck's bisexuality and his first relationship with someone of the same gender as him is just...it's almost astounding. It's been handled with such care, from Oliver to Lou to the writers to the NETWORK, everyone is so clearly fully onboard with this and not afraid of it.
And there's no pain here, his coming out is not born out of trauma or being forced or caught or guilty. Tommy made him feel something that he had never been able to put a name to, and Tommy is helping him figure it out. He's letting Buck be overeager without taking advantage, he's letting him move at his own pace (which, of course, is at light speed) but is also confident enough in himself to pump the brakes when he feels like he needs to.
I just can't get enough of that smile, of how fucking happy Buck is. Happy in himself, happy with Tommy, happy to finally have a name for who he is, and not be afraid to share it with the people he loves. His parents' reactions don't matter, because he knows the people that matter to him most won't care who he's with, as long as he loves them and they treat him well.
It's such a huge step for Buck, who has so often fallen prey to what other people might think, it's so refreshing to see him get to explore this without fear of what others will say. Tommy is a steady constant, experienced and knows who he is. He teases Buck and calls him Evan and flirts with him shamelessly, and it flusters him in the best way.
To see a character like Buck, who was, essentially, billed as straight from the beginning of the show, be able to come in to himself and experience real queer joy...wow. For me, it just can't be overstated.
I can't wait to see where Buck's journey goes, and I am just so...grateful to be able to watch it.
#spoilers#my meta#dusting off this tag lmao#lilly liveblogs 911#911 abc#911 7x06#911#buddie#bucktommy#madney#evan buckley#buck is bi
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Final chapter/epilogue - Thank you to everybody who has read this little fic of Lucien whisking Nesta away from the shackles of the Night Court <3
The week of absence that Nesta had requested dragged its heels and lasted an eternity. When the new day dawned, Jurian appeared like a spectre in the doorway, unkempt hair hanging about his chin.
‘Today’s the day, Vanserra.’
Lucien shrugged in response, not giving him the satisfaction of yes, it was that day and yes, every single minute had been agony wondering over her wellbeing.
‘I need to head to the Dawn Court to speak with Thesan,’ he said, attempting to breeze by, but Jurian’s arm blocked off the doorway.
‘Don’t fuck about. You’ve given her a week like she asked.’
He heaved out a sigh then removed Jurian’s arm from his way. ‘I am not at Nesta’s every beck and call. Yes, it has been a week. It does not mean that I need to run like a lap dog to her side.’
The words settled around them then Jurian let out a calloused laugh, fingers tapping on the door frame.
‘But you absolutely want to.’
‘Yes, I do. But I won’t.’
Before the wretched mortal could get another word in, Lucien cantered down the stairs. He hurried to put his boots on, but – as always – Jurian was there, again. An ever-looming presence who haunted his steps in their manor.
‘You have the swiftness of the fae.’
‘And no doubt the same annoyingness.’ Jurian smirked. ‘Go to her.’
‘Later,’ he waved away.
‘Oh.’
‘Oh?’
Jurian gave a theatrical nod. ‘Playing hard to get.’
He was not. Or maybe he was a little. Maybe it was fear that he’d go to Nesta and she’d regret every choice and demand to be back with Cassian. Or she’d look at him with disgust after an absence because she’d come to her senses.
‘I have to go to the Dawn Court,’ he said curtly.
‘If I could winnow, I’d be there,’ said Jurian. ‘I’ll steal her from you.’
‘She’s not mine,’ Lucien reminded him.
He stepped out of the front door, ready to winnow away when Jurian called, ‘Isn’t she?’
The day sped away quicker than Lucien would have liked, leaving little time to prepare himself. Strictly speaking, he wasn’t a nervous person. One could not be nervous around Beron Vanserra because he’d sniff out the weakness to exploit. Nerves of steel were forged in the fires of the Autumn Court as a means of survival.
And still, Lucien found reasons to delay his departure from the Dawn Court. A new shop had him enthralled; a stranger striking up conversation had him hooking his claws in to prolong it. Eventually, it came to travelling to Summer or returning to the mortal lands where Jurian would be waiting. If the male wasn’t stood on the door step, expectantly, then Lucien would drop down dead in shock. No, he could find his courage to face Nesta.
The strong smell of the sea washed over him as his boots sank into the sand. The heat had him peeling off his jacket and slinging it over his shoulder on crooked fingers. Nesta’s home loomed before him, making his palms sweat. He couldn’t fathom why. They had parted on amicable terms. Her request for privacy had been respected. But what if she hadn’t meant a literal week, she’d meant longer? She was fae now. What was a week compared to eternity? Would she push away his attempts at contact, wanting a fresh life without the baggage of her past?
His knuckles were light upon the door. A ghost of a knock so that he could walk away if she did not answer him. He listened for footsteps – for the scurry of feet to abruptly stop when she recognised his outline through the thick, frosted glass beside the door.
Nesta was not home.
Perhaps she’d left the day he’d brought her to the Summer Court. Maybe she had forgotten that he was to come again after a week had passed, her life in Summer already more interesting than the one an exiled prince of Autumn could offer her.
Lucien put his hands in his pockets and turned to leave.
‘Lucien.’
Her voice carried on the air, startled and commanding all at once.
Nesta stood on the peak of a sand dune, grains of sand running like a river beneath her bare feet. She wore a dress that was completely unlike her favoured ones from the Night Court. Instead of steely grey or frosty blue, it was a pastel yellow that matched her fair skin. It was long but thin for the hot weather, the sleeves rolled up past her elbows and the skirts ready to billow in the breeze. There was a bracelet around her wrist. Threads of blue, crimson and silver braided together. The coronet was there, of course, but it seemed loose like she’d had a busy day and it was unravelling itself ready for the night.
He met her on the sand, his clothes not suited for it. They stopped before each other, suddenly strangers.
‘How are you?’ he said.
Just as she said, ‘It’s nice to see you.’
A small smile curved her lips. Lucien had never seen her this way – like an enormous weight had been lifted from her shoulders. She stood straighter, easier, rather than the steel-spine she built to cope.
‘Would you like to come in?’
Lucien peeled his tongue from the roof of his mouth. ‘If it isn’t too much hassle.’
‘I thought you’d come this morning. I was waiting for you,’ she said, blushing slightly. ‘I have employment now. Sort of. So I went there. I left a note on the door, if you arrived. I only popped out now to look for shells while the tide is out.’ Nesta held open the door, ushering him in. Her cheeks had turned a beautiful shade of scarlet. ‘I’m talking too much.’
It was not too much. It was nice to hear her voice. Hear her speak freely and not guard her words or pick them apart into something the Night Court would find more palatable.
‘You look well,’ he said, gesturing to the slight tan on her face. It had brought out the freckles upon her nose. Ones he’d never known she possessed. ‘It makes you look like Feyre.’
‘Without the tattoos. Or the horrid husband.’
Nesta poured glasses of orange juice for them both then took a seat at the small table opposite him. It was a humble home, but a good beginning. Evidence of Nesta was littered about the place: shells lined up on the windowsills; a book on the arm chair and another three in a stack on the floor; a bowl was built up with oranges and towered precariously in the middle.
‘Is there an abundance of oranges in the Summer Court?’
‘We never could afford fruit when we were poor. There are trees near here for anybody to pick the fruits from. I cannot stop making orange juice, Lucien,’ she said in that severe way of hers, like it was a crime. ‘They all grow back within a day. I’ll strip an entire branch of pistachio nuts and they’re back by the morning. One night, I sat here and said it’s just like magic.’
Lucien laughed at that.
‘I didn’t know magic could do things like grow crops. It seems so simple but I’d only ever seen it for destruction, as something to be feared.’
He gave a nod. ‘It works best here - and to a degree in Spring and Autumn. The solar courts can’t harness the magic in the same way; their powers are suited to other avenues. Winter, well, it’s just ice and snow. They have to import most of their fresh goods from Summer or us.’ He blinked. ‘Autumn, I mean.’
‘How are you?’
The words hung between them. What could Lucien say? His life had existed as normal. The new normal that he had created since leaving Spring. But a part of it felt empty like there was still room in the jar for something else.
‘Fine,’ he said, with a nod to emphasise that fact. ‘All fine. Jurian misses you.’
The corners of her mouth twitched. ‘The sentiment is shared.’
Nesta pulled a tray of cake from the oven. It had been sliced into little rectangles and drizzled with icing. A few pieces had already been eaten.
‘I’m not much of a baker,’ she explained. ‘But I was expecting company, so I tried.’
Lucien shook himself. ‘Sorry. I can go.’
Her fingers slid around his wrist, tethering them together. ‘You. I mean you.’
‘Oh.’ Lucien leaned back in his chair, Nesta’s hand still touching his. ‘Thank you.’
‘You won’t say that when you try it,’ she replied, in that dry way of hers. ‘But I thought it was fitting. You helped to open my eyes through the power of sugar.’
They sipped at their orange juice and nibbled at cake. It wasn’t bad like she’d made out. Airy and light, basic but delicious. A zing of lemons punched through the icing and before Lucien could even ask, she said, ‘I cannot stop picking lemons either. I'm hoarding them all like a dragon. I do not think lemons make for good jam though.'
‘You like it here?’
‘It’s nice to have my own space. Cresseida has been once to see how I’ve settled. And I have employment.’
‘Sort of,’ he echoed.
Nesta dipped her chin, hiding a smile. ‘Sort of. There’s a male in the house on the hill,’ she said, pointing in a vague direction over his shoulder. ‘He’s a cartographer. I cannot draw, but I scribe for him. I read his letters and write them in return to clients. I write on the maps – the directions, landmarks. That sort of thing.’
‘That sounds like employment.’
She shrugged. ‘He gives me coin, but I don’t do it for that. He’s interesting company.’
A feeling of betrayal roiled through Lucien’s gut as he imagined Nesta becoming cosy friends with an interesting male from Summer.
‘He’s almost a thousand years old,’ she said, eyes widening. ‘And he’s lesser fae – his mother was a water nymph. You must meet him; he has the most wonderful stories.’
Some of his panic loosened. The male was triple his age. He imagined paper-thin skin and webbed fingers, weakening eyes that were grateful for a kind female assisting him with his work.
They took a walk along the beach as the sun started to set. The warmth was glorious enough that Lucien was tempted to curl upon the sand and nap like a cat beneath the golden light. Nesta went barefoot, discarding her shoes in her home before they went. There was something about that gesture that had him breathing with relief. She was at home here. Comfortable. Relaxed. He did the same and rolled up his trousers to his knees to walk through the shallows.
‘I am trying not to feel angry,’ Nesta said as she held a shell up to examine. ‘At how much they didn’t teach me. About magic. Faeries. Lesser ones. A little creature popped out of the waves one day and asked for my shell. It had huge ears and eyes like saucers, its fingers long and gnarled. I could only stare at it in shock – then it called me rude and dived back into the water.’
Lucien laughed at her story. ‘A vodnik. You’re lucky it wasn’t a hob because they hold a grudge for life if they’re offended.’
Nesta stared incredulously. ‘I don’t even know what a hob is. My history of the fae comes from mortal stories and whatever the Night Court told me. I am alone here with only my thoughts for company, Lucien. How can it be that Rhysand cannot stop the Illyrians from maiming their females? He could enforce the ban – clip their wings in return – and lose his army. More and more, I’m picking apart everything they told me and seeing the holes they tried to hide.’
He nodded, letting her talk.
‘There have to be more like Morrigan. More in the Hewn City who want release, who dream of a better life.’ She shook her head. ‘I don’t understand it. Maybe one day my sisters will see it too.’
The Night Court had cultivated its reputation for millennia, not solely in the five decades beneath the mountain where Rhysand stood at Amarantha’s side.
‘I feel for Gwyn and Emerie. I miss them too. But I can’t go back there. I won’t. The bond needs to be severed. I've never been more sure of anything.’
With more daring than he felt, Lucien settled his arm around Nesta’s shoulder in understanding and comfort. As if she had been hoping for it, she eased out a sigh and stopped walking. Her body leaned in close, her warmth matching his.
‘Thank you, Lucien, for saving me.’
‘You saved yourself.’
Nesta tittered. ‘You reached for my hand.’
He turned his face slightly to look at her. The sun was splintering in shards of gold across her face. She was so beautiful. They were different people on the surface; he liked to be amongst many, loved to meet new people whereas Nesta was more reserved, happy to retreat to her own sanctuary. Yet, Lucien could not help but feel like they balanced each other. Perhaps balance meant more than equality. Hadn’t she sought out her own company here in the way that suited her?
He ran his knuckles along her cheek. The Nesta Archeron that he’d met away from Velaris had been so very different from the one that was whispered about in the House of Wind. She wasn’t rude or selfish. Nesta was capable of showing teeth, but only when provoked. Didn’t everyone have a right to defend themselves?
‘I missed you.’
It came from her as a whisper, an admittance of weakness even. Nesta tilted forwards so her forehead met his lips as if begging him to kiss her there. He did. He’d kiss her wherever she wanted in every moment.
He held onto her while the waves lapped across their feet.
‘Can I see you again next week?’
Nesta’s hand slipped against his hip then curved around his back. ‘A week is too long.’
‘Tomorrow?’
‘Tomorrow,’ she vowed, tipping her face up to him.
Lucien met her there, fingers tilting her face to deepen the kiss. ‘We’ll pick oranges together,’ he said between kisses. ‘And lemons.’ Another kiss. ‘Pistachios. Whatever you want.’
‘And when my teeth fall out?’
Lucien kissed her again, unable to stop himself. ‘I’ll still love you.’
‘You will love me?’
‘I love you,’ he confirmed, kissing the tip of her nose. ‘I’ll never love you less – only more. Only more.’
His arm slid to the back of her knees to lift her into his arms. Their steps were made slow by the soft sand slipping through his toes and punctuated by kisses. Nesta curled against his body, a smile pressing into her lips.
‘I’ll take you to the Continent,’ he whispered between kisses. ‘To Rask. To wherever you want to go.’
Nesta kissed the scar on his face. ‘As long as it’s with you.’
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BITE
Damien Haas x f!reader
You wake up from a dream about Damien, only to find out reality may be better than anything your imagination could come up with.
SMUT -- 18+ ONLY!!!
Warnings: p in v, oral (both male + female receiving), degradation kink (slut + whore is used a lot), praise kink, spanking, dom/sub, dom!Damien, sir/master kink
Note: this is my first fic in about 5 years, so it may be a little rusty. but i hope you all enjoy!!
Tags: @agnewbones, @pedropascallme
“You’re this wet for me already?”
Cold sweat dripped down the middle of your back outlining the edges of your spine. Reality came back as the pitch black darkness engulfed your vision, replacing the blurs of skin, purple hair, and that one smile that seemingly haunts your every moment whether you’re asleep or awake.
Fuck. Another dream about Damien.
You shifted from underneath your duvet, cold air freezing the damp spot between your legs that was not there when you originally settled in for the night. While you loved living with Damien, your body could not handle the consistent proximity of your bodies. Whenever you wanted food, he was already in the kitchen preparing something that he was going to surprise you and your fellow roommates with. If you needed to shower first thing in the morning, you would come out of your room only to hear Damien’s singing over the monotonous rain of the water pressure. Even at work, you could not shake him, often going out for coffee runs together in between shoots. The only aspect of your life that he was void from was the one that your subconscious craved him in the most.
A sigh escaped your lips as you slid up your silk sheets into a sitting position. A subtle blink of baby blue light emitted from the digital clock that rested just off to the right of your bed. 3:47 am.
The ache of need still pulsed in your core, even as real-life came creeping back in. It pounded against the inside of your thighs as the slickness of your excitement dribbled down your panties. Whatever Dream Damien did, your body wanted more, and knowing that Real Damien was only two doors away made it even worse. Thankfully the room just before his was the bathroom. A cold shower was desperately needed, no matter the time.
You stumbled out of bed, your ragged graphic tee hitting just above your waist leaving your baby pink boy shorts exposed. Considering it was 4 am, you didn’t see a reason to bring a change of clothes, or even a pair of pants, to the bathroom. It was literally the next door down the hall, and no one else should be up.
The house was eerily still, something that you weren’t used to while living with half of the Smosh cast. That, along with the fact that you were always the first one asleep, quiet was never something that you were able to fully experience. The only thing that interrupted it was the soft padding of your bare feet against the wooden floor, the coldness of it sent shivers up your shins. This silence continued until you got closer to Damien’s room.
A faint mumble of voices emitted from the other side of the door. You tiptoed closer, trying to decipher which anime he had decided to throw on as background noise. However, as quickly as you heard it, it stopped. The stillness returned.
Damien’s door swung open. His purple hair was illuminated by the fluorescents behind him, which created a lavender halo around his head. All he had on was a ratty grey undershirt and a pair of thin black and white plaid pyjama bottoms. Your eyes immediately darted to his biceps, admiring the way they flexed as he held the frame. The muscle rippled against the taut skin that encased it. Hair trailed down to his armpit, leaving speckles of black on the underside. A moan threatened to spill out of your lips at the sight, but you held it in.
“What are you doing up?” His 4 am voice was rasper than you anticipated. Genuine concern spread across his face, knotting his eyebrows.
“I- I couldn’t sleep, so I thought I might have a shower to try to relax.” Which wasn’t a lie, but it sure as hell wasn’t the full truth. Dream Damien’s doing ghosted your memory, the stickiness of your desire still glued between the crook of your thighs.
His eyes wandered down your frame, stopping a second longer at the heam of your shirt before continuing onto your naked thighs. Shit. Heat spread across your bare skin as his eyes fluttered across the nudeness that defined your lower half. A similar warming sensation welcomed itself across your cheeks as he returned to your face.
“I didn’t think anyone else would be up…” You trail off.
“I’m surprised you’re up,” he whispered, not daring to look away from you. “I was just watching Demon Slayer, I only got up ‘cause I had to pee. Do you want to join me before you go back to bed? Totally cool if not. I get how hard insomnia can be, though.”
Before you could stop yourself you were nodding. You knew it was a terrible idea, going into his room right after waking up gasping for him, but you didn’t care. Damien slid out from the doorway, allowing you to tiptoe into his space. Behind you he shut the door, followed by the patter of his feet descending down the hall.
Alone in Damien’s room, you were able to notice more than you ever had. The muted light of his lamp in the far corner illuminated the grey walls which were littered with posters from various projects he had worked on over the years. A television was mounted directly across from you; it was still on Netflix, but it had resorted to playing a slideshow of upcoming titles while it waited for the show to be resumed. His sheets were softer than you remember, the fabric of his duvet caressed the back of your legs as you pushed yourself up against his headboard. His Snorlax plush leaned against your torso as it reacted to the new weight on the mattress. Everything smelt like him. Everything was him.
Moments later a creak echoed throughout the space as Damien returned. Silently, he walked to his bed and let himself flop beside you. As soon as he hit the mattress, a visceral craving for skin contact twisted your gut. Whether it was from lingering lust or exhaustion, you didn’t know. However, you remained composed, your fingers interlacing with themselves in an attempt to prevent yourself from reaching out and running the tips of them along his exposed skin. As if he could hear your inner dilemma, he cleared his throat.
“Are you okay? Did you have a bad day, or a rough dream?”
Dream? Your cheeks flushed with warmth as the word came out of his mouth just above a whisper. Did he know? Your heart pounded at the thought of him hearing you moan his name in your sleep moments earlier. Flashes of Dream Damien created a mosaic of colour inside your mind as your pulse began to creep its way down to your core. Your eyes remain glued to the ceiling, afraid that if you looked at Damien it would undo you right then and there. He couldn’t know.
“Yeah, you could say that.” You manage to choke out.
Weight shifted on the mattress, Damien’s dip coming closer to yours. His hand ghosted the inside of your arm, goosebumps erecting in its wake. His fingertips stilled in the crook of your elbow, lingering for a second before Damien retracted them back and shoved them underneath his head, interlocking them with the other set. As the coldness returned to the skin, a subconscious exhale escaped your lips.
You glanced over at the purple-haired man beside you. The dull light softened his features, blurring them with the wall behind him. A 5 o’clock shadow speckled across his jawline and his chin, which emphasized the natural pout in his lips. Both the top and the bottom were baby pink and seemed extra kissable with the rest of the world asleep. A piece of dead skin hung from the top, slightly sticking beyond the rest of the pink surface. Your hands found their way to your knees and gripped them tightly, knuckles turning white. No one would have to know, right?
“Hey Damien?” You whispered.
“Yeah?”
“Why are you awake?”
Silence spread across the room once again. You could hear his breathing- somehow deep, yet ragged. Hesitation lingered in the air as Damien shifted in his spot, readjusting the position of his arms behind his head.
“It’s stupid, but I can’t stop thinking about how many takes it took me to do the intro to the new video properly. I tried so hard to be funny, but it felt like it kept on falling flat. I don’t know, maybe I had an off-day.” Damien sighs, keeping his eyes on the roof. You could feel his body tense up in fear of what your next words might be.
“If it’s any consolation, I think you’re the funniest person on Smosh. In fact, you’re probably the funniest person I know. It’s so fucking hard to not ruin takes when you’re around, but I wouldn’t want it any other way. I promise you your humour lands. It at least does with me.” You shift down his headboard to lie down, turning onto your right to fully face Damien. A wave of his cologne hits your nose while you do so, leaving traces of pine, cherry blossom, and something spicy that you can’t quite place. The whiff of the scent subconsciously causes you to lean closer into him, in search of more. Notes of aftershave joined the mix while wetness began to dampen your panties once again, but you fought to ignore it.
His face brightened at the creation of eye contact. A smile erupted on his lips as he let himself take you in for a second. You could feel the movement of his eyes across your bare face while he attempted to memorize every detail of you, from the way sleepiness smoothed your features to the pimple patch that covered an outbreak on your cheek. Very rarely did he get to see you like this, in your most authentic form, and the sparkle that flickered in his eye let you know that he wanted to absorb every moment.
“Thank you, it means a lot to hear you say that.” He chuckled, a blush settling onto his cheeks. You reached out your hand subconsciously, letting it rest on his bare forearm. The heat of his skin seeped into yours.
“Sounds like we’re just two overthinkers tonight. I was so worried that you would’ve somehow known that I woke up because I had a dream about you.”
Panic sets in as soon as it slipped out of your lips, the hand that was resting on Damien’s arm immediately flying to cover your mouth. Fuck. Damien automatically pulled himself closer to you, his eyes darkening with an unfamiliar cloud. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
“What kind of dream?” He growled into your ear.
Need shot to your cunt as Damien moved himself on top of you, one arm on each side of your frame. His knee inched between your legs, the fabric of his pyjama pants rubbing against the thin layer of cotton that covered your core. A groan fell out of your mouth.
“I think you already know the answer to that, Damien.” You purred needily. Your pulse erupted at the thought of what was about to happen— whatever it was.
“Are you okay with this?” He murmured.
For the second time within 20 minutes, you were nodding before you could give it a second thought. Desire dizzied around your thoughts and coated the space between your thighs. All you knew was that Real Damien was here and that he wanted you. That’s all you could ever need.
However, he didn’t move. You were pinned between his two arms, his biceps brushing against yours, sending electricity down your spine. His eyes seemed to consume you as he took you in, letting himself fully linger on the tightness of the grey shirt around your breasts before lowering his gaze to your baby pink boy shorts.
“Tell me about your dream. Please.” He whined, want dripping in each syllable of his ask.
“Y-you and I were fucking, Damien,” you groaned, “you had me on a table, legs open and I was dripping. So wet. So wet for you. I needed- no- need, you. Please.”
Your legs wrapped around the knee that rested between them, attempting to gain any form of friction, any form of relief. Damien sat up, shooting his hands around your thighs to prevent you from getting any satisfaction. He shook his head, eyes darkening even further.
“Not yet, needy girl. I need to know more. I want to know exactly how you imagined it. Don’t you want your dreams to come true?” He cooed, his mouth curled into a smirk. Your eyes widened as you became delirious with excitement at the fact that Damien was in front of you- that he wanted you just as bad as you’ve been craving him.
”I don’t remember a lot, but- but you were fingering me. God, they were so filling. I was naked, marks everywhere on my chest from your lips. I woke up needing you more than I have ever needed anything, please. Please, Damien.” You whined, jutting your lower lip out. Damien’s eyes remained locked with yours as he leaned in closer, his hands dragging up your thighs.
“Don’t you want to see a man up close?” He whispered, his breath dancing along the nape of your neck.
All you managed to get out was a “please ki-,” before Damien’s lips were against yours, devouring every inch of your mouth. Hints of toothpaste and mouthwash lingered on your tastebuds with every swipe of his tongue. His hands moved from your thighs to your shoulders, gently pushing you to lay down while he remained on top of you. He shifted around, moving his knees on either side of your legs. The hardness of his growing cock grazed against your inner thigh, causing wetness to begin to re-dampen the spot that Dream Damien left.
The new position allowed him to let his lips explore, a trail of kisses left along your neck in his wake. Once he hit your collarbone, he began to suck ever so slightly. His teeth nipped at your skin, leaving a light purple mark in the middle of the skin stretched around the bone. A breathy moan escaped your lips as he sucked a new spot at the crook of your neck. Your fingers laced into his purple locks, gently tugging at them. In response, he looked up, concern painted across his face.
“Are you okay, am I being too rough?” He said, frozen in place. You shook your head.
“I promise I’m fine,” you breathed, “I just- please. Please use me, Damien. I need you to fuck me, use me like a toy. Let me make you feel good.”
Darkness returned to his eyes immediately at the sound of your begging. His hands shot to the hem of your shirt while you arched your back, helping him take it off of you.
“Oh my poor little thing,” he cooed while bending down to lick a stripe between your tits. “You need my cock more than you want to admit, don’t you?”
Want surged through your core at the sound of his raspy voice mentioning the thing you’ve been wanting. You nodded, shivering at the thought. Gently he raised your ass, letting you shimmy out of your underwear. Wetness coated the inside of your thighs, droplets hitting the mattress underneath you as the cold air hit your cunt. Damien’s fingers tiptoed down your stomach, landing right above the dip towards your pussy. His other hand grabbed hold of your chin, jerking it toward him.
“Say please,” Damien barked.
“Please. Pl—”
His middle and ring finger plunged into your cunt. You let out a yelp at the sudden fullness. Slowly, he rocked them back and forth, letting the tips of his fingers brush against the spongy spot at your core. Moans spilled out of you as your fingers dug into his shoulders. As fast as it had started, he pulled his digits out of you, leaving you stretched and wanting more. A frown knotted your eyebrows in frustration while Damien was on the other side of the emotional spectrum, excitement lighting his features as he inspected his two fingers.
“You’re this wet for me already?” He groaned, bringing his ring finger into his mouth and twirling his tongue around it, attempting to get every speck of your sweetness onto his taste buds.
You squirmed in response, your eyes stuck to his digits in his mouth. Hearing Real Damien say the only words you remember from your dream overwhelmed your senses– this was a dream coming true.
He hollowed his cheeks against them, moaning as the tanginess of your desire flooded his tongue. After thoroughly sucking on them, he slipped them out of his mouth, creating a V shape with them. Bringing them back to his lips, his tongue darted out, tasting the last bits of you between his fingers. A hum of satisfaction escaped his lips as he looked up mid-swipe, catching you stare, mouth agape.
“You like what you see, baby? You like watching me suck your juices off of my fingers?” He smiled, a mischievous glint sparkling in his eyes.
“Yes sir,” you whispered, unable to look away from the man in front of you.
Nothing else seemed to matter but the way his every motion affected your heart rate. All you wanted was him, any and all of him that he gave to you. Damien leaned down again, pressing kisses to your mound.
“You’re not the only one who dreamed of this,” he muttered between nibbles, “I’ve been dreaming about having you since you moved in. Finding you not only outside of my room at 4am, but half-naked outside of my room at 4am almost made me to cum on the spot, baby.” He pushed your thighs apart before he dropped to kiss the inside of each, gently sucking up the stickiness that lined them. “I’ll worship this pussy as long as you let me. God knows how badly I’ve been needing it.”
His words shot straight to your cunt right as he dove in, parting your lips to connect his tongue with your clit. He slowly began swirling it around the spot, sending shockwaves down your spine. Curses spilled from your lips as he picked up the pace, your hands resuming their grip on his purple hair. Two fingers nudged at your entrance, still damp from the combination of your want and Damien’s saliva. He easily slid them in before starting to pump them in and out, matching the pace of his mouth. His digits hit the spot that you desperately craved, destroying the last bit of self-preservation that you had within you. Your walls tightened around them, desperately trying to get every inch of satisfaction possible from his mouth and hands. Nonsensical strings of words tumbled out of the slight part of your lips as the familiar swirl of pleasure circled around your core. Tiny sparks began to electrocute your clit with each flick of Damien’s tongue, pushing you closer and closer to the edge. However, as soon as your orgasm was about to spill, his fingers and lips were gone.
“You don’t think I’m really going to let you cum this fast, do you baby?” He smirked. “I’m not even undressed yet, and here you are, whimpering for my touch like the whore you are.”
Your hands moved from his hair, letting him stretch straight up from between your legs. Your fingers reached for the hem of his tanktop at once, trying to get the fabric off of his torso. Damien took the hint and tugged each strap of the shirt before yanking it over his head and throwing it behind him onto the wooden floor. Without thinking, a gasp exited you. You’d seen Damien shirtless many times, whether in the dressing room or while grabbing your morning coffee from the kitchen, but this was different. Specks of black hair sprinkled his chest, concentrating in the middle of his two pecs. Lust surged through your veins as you devoured the sight in front of you, taking in every inch of Damien. Never had you seen a man be so easily beautiful, and it nauseated you how badly your body ached for him.
Without breaking eye contact, Damien shuffled to the end of the bed. His thumbs dipped underneath the waistband of his pyjama pants and pushed them down to the floor, taking his boxers with them.
“Holy shit.” You mumbled, your eyes surging down to the new part of him exposed.
His cock stuck out from between his legs, the tip of it glistening with excitement. All you could think about was how to get it between your legs as fast as possible, and how its girth would fill you so perfectly.
“Damien, I need it. Pl-please sir.” You whined, glancing back up at his face.
He stumbled back onto the bed, reclaiming his spot between your thighs. However, this time he remained sitting. His shaft rested on your lower stomach, causing your mind to short circuit with how close it was to where you had dreamed of it being for months. Heart pounding, you reached out, letting the tip of your index finger brush against the head. He visibly shivered in response, goosebumps spreading down his arms as a tinge of pleasure shot down his shaft.
“I know you can touch my cock better than that, baby girl. Don’t be afraid.” Damien grunted, his eyes slightly closed in anticipation. Without a second thought, you sat up and spit in your hands. Greedily you grabbed his cock, fisting it. Your hands glided over the smooth, taut skin in a steady motion, occasionally flicking the tip with your thumb. A melody of grunts dripped from Damien’s lips as his hips matched your rhythm.
Slowly you leaned forward, lining up your mouth with his shaft. You darted your tongue out between your lips, gingerly flattening it against the tip.
“Is this okay?” You whispered, pulling back.
“God, yes.” Damien interlaced his fingers in your hair, encouraging you to continue what you had started.
Eagerly you wrapped your mouth around his shaft, hollowing your cheeks around it after it hit the back of your throat. You pushed it back out with a pop, a strand of drool attaching his head to your bottom lip. A smile crept onto your lips momentarily. This was not a dream, this was real. Damien’s cock was twitching with desire for you, nobody else. He was muttering your name under his breath as you licked a line from the base of his shaft to the very tip. Paying extra attention to the sensitive strip of skin at the connection point between the base and the head, you traced every inch of his cock with your tongue before returning it to the inside of your mouth.
“You’re doing so good, baby. What a good little whore you are.” He sighed, grinding his hips into your face.
Lightheaded with happiness, you gulped up the salty pre-cum that was dripping out of Damien’s cock. Momentarily forgetting about your own pleasure, all you could fathom was the feeling of his erection in your mouth and how pornographic the slurps were as you took as much of him as you could with each of his thrusts. Your cunt leaked with heat while you glanced up at Damien to see him slack-jawed, his eyes stuck on how your tits bounced in sync with his pushes. If you could frame moments, this would be your first choice.
Damien pulled his cock out of your reach, rotating his hips away from your mouth.
“I think your pussy deserves to be used properly now, do you?” He asked, putting his hands under your armpits and shoving you back onto the bed behind you.
“Yes, sir! I promise I-I’ve been so good,” You begged, subconsciously spreading your legs as you settled into the far side of the bed.
Damien reached out with his right hand, letting it caress your cheek. Tears welled up in your eyes while excitement, desire, and anticipation danced through your mind. Damien leaned over to your left, fidgeting through his nightstand to find a tinfoil packet. He held the corner with his teeth and used his index and thumb to rip it open. Returning to the bed, Damien kneeled directly in front of you, lining up the condom with his cock. Slowly, he began to roll it on, letting the latex surround his stiffened shaft.
“L-lemme help, sir. I can help.” Your hand reached out, brushing his knuckles with the tip of your middle finger. With his free hand, he swatted your attempt at help away.
“I don’t think so, baby. Master can handle it himself,” he chuckled, finishing the job.
Leisurely, he thrust the tip of his cock into your cunt. With every centimetre of him, your brain flooded with fog, nothing else seemed to matter but the way his cock fit so perfectly inside, as if you were made to please him. Each muscle in your abdomen adjusted to the welcomed fullness that came with Damien, the pressure of satisfaction immediately building as he situated himself in you.
A deep groan erupted from Damien as he flicked his hips back, fully taking his shaft out. As soon as the tip exited, he slammed his cock back in, letting himself bottom out in your pussy.
“Fuck- Damien!” You cried. A pleasurable pain rippled through your cervix, sending shockwaves to your clit. Damien’s right-hand shot to your mouth, cupping it over your lips.
“You have to be quiet, whore. We can’t wake up the whole house with the noises you make while I fuck you.”
His words shot right to your core, your whimpers muffled by the palm of his hand. Saltiness flowed down your cheeks as Damien continued to push and pull himself fully in and out of your heat. His presence was simply overstimulating, and all you wanted was more. The way his chest heaved as he plowed you was memorizing, its rhythm matched his thrusts inside you. Your fingers found their way to his ass, squeezing it tightly as he plummeted into your pussy. His shaft pushed deeper in response to your movements, causing both of you to hiss in satisfaction.
“Oh fuck, you feel so good, baby. Fit me so perfectly.” Damien growled, throwing his head back, eyes glazing over.
The vibrations of his voice darted to your clit, increasing the speed of your demise. The stubble of his pubes rubbed against your sweet spot, hitting it at a perfect angle. Damien’s hands wandered to your tits, giving your nipples gentle squeezes with his middle and thumb before rolling them. Mumbles of his title repeatedly spilled from your lips as you arched your back, letting his cock reach the soft spot inside. Sparks flashed in your vision while you came crashing down. Your cunt pulsed around Damien’s cock, extracting every ounce of pleasure from his force. Simultaneously, nothingness spread throughout your mind as you rode out your orgasm– the only thing that grounded you were the whines of pleasure escaping the man fucking you into oblivion.
As you came back to reality, the only thing that you managed to get out was “more.”
Without letting his cock leave your dripping pussy Damien immediately grabbed your waist, flipping you onto your stomach. With one hand he shoved your face into his mattress, the other looping around your hips to arch your back.
“Good girl, knowing we’ve only just started.” His breath tickled your cheek, causing you to tremble. “I’m just getting warmed up.”
Without warning, his cock nestled deeper into your aching heat before fucking you with fervour. The mattress underneath squeaked with each rapid thrust, harmonizing with the slapping of skin against skin. Loudness no longer seemed to be an issue as Damien slapped your ass, the noise echoing throughout his bedroom. He continued to rub the reddened spot, circling the rough skin with the pad of his thumb. Your brain shortcircuited with each jolt of his cock, the way it was still managing to stretch you was all you could focus on.
“S-so good, sir. Know how to fuck me so good. Love your cock.”
With another smack on your behind he bowed down, his head now behind yours.
“I know, ” he kissed your hair before tangling his fingers in it, pulling your head to become parallel with his. “Needed it so bad you couldn’t go a night without dreaming about how well I’d feel, huh? You’re that much of a greedy slut?”
A whine fell from your lips as you brought your eyes to his. Through your lashes, you could see a wild smile painted across his lips, happiness radiating from his dilated pupils. Never had you seen a man look so beautiful while doing something so inherently filthy, and your cunt throbbed at the realization of it all.
“I can’t be-believe this is real. I’ve been wanting this so bad, Damien.” More tears dampened your cheeks, the familiar tightness in your core forming once again.
In response, Damien leaned down, sloppily pressing his lips to yours. A mixture of saliva, spit, and tears smeared across your chin as he deepened the kiss, his tongue rushing out to collect traces of the salty combination. Damien’s free hand wandered down to the front of you, pressing his index finger to your sweet spot.
Sobs fell out of you between each breath while a woozy wave of lust swept over you. The rewarding drop of the pit in your stomach broke through the dizziness. Deepening the arch in your back, the swirling sensation in your clit hit its breaking point. Your hands gripped the sheets in front of you in a frenzy as gratification washed over you. The walls of your pussy clenched around Damien’s shaft, the pulse of his cock hitting your g-spot as your body convulsed.
“You’re such a good slut for your master, baby. G-gonna make me cum.”
As your orgasm fizzled out, Damien continued to haphazardly rock himself in and out of your aching heat. Overstimulation stung your core, but you pushed it aside. The only thing that would stop you from riding this out would be if the world ended. All that existed at this moment was Damien, who was behind you, smacking his hips into yours as he chased his high. His grunts filled the empty air between you. With one last nudge, a rush of warmth spread through your cunt as Damien cried out in relief. His head hit the middle of your back as he crumpled, letting his orgasm take over.
“Jesus, that was amazing.” He whispered, pulling out of you. Your pussy ached with both fulfillment and emptiness as you adjusted to the lack of him.
You rotated onto your back, craving the view of Damien’s post-O face. He looked hazy, a dopey grin plastered to his face as he gently pulled the condom off before tying it and placing it on his nightstand. Immediately he reached down to you, enveloping you in his arms as he lay beside you. His scent had slightly altered from when you first entered his room, the smell of sex and sweat now intertwining with the notes of his cologne. If you could bottle that, you would without hesitation.
“Thank you so much, really,” you smiled. “It wasn’t my intention to have this happen when I walked by your room, but I’m glad it did.”
Damien placed a soft kiss on your lips. Unlike the previous ones you had shared, this one had a pureness to it. Your heart jumped a beat at the romantic undertones as the moment overtook you completely. Your head buzzed with contentment as the past 45 minutes settled in your brain.
“Me too, baby,” he mumbled against your lips. “I hope I made your dreams come true.”
“You did, I promise,” you giggled, “but now I definitely need to shower.”
#damien#damien haas#smosh#damien haas fan fiction#damien haas smut#smosh rpf#damien haas rpf#damien haas oneshot#damien haas one shot#smoshblr#rpf#smosh fic#smosh fanfiction#smoshblr fic
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I am so mad about how desperately into pan I am. he was specifically made to fuck me up. they dangled him in front of me like 'hey would you like to see a sad clown trickster with emotional intimacy issues and a heart of, if not gold, then some mysterious alloy with qualities not at all unlike those of gold at the end of the day?' and I went 'boy would I!' and now I'm lost. I'm on my knees he's like if reyes vidal was actually redeemable instead of just a 'release my man he did do all of that but I don't care' situation
#the way he seems so genuinely *delighted* by grace finding her voice and wants her to be able to make her music again#even when she's not the muse anymore............ what the fuck that is the sweetest thing I've ever heard in my LIFE dude#low-key grace's biggest fan musically at least fhsajkd#stray gods#stray gods pan#(this is not a slam on reyes btw the fact that he's unconscionable is part of the appeal in that specific case lol)#I went into the game mostly blind and from what I had seen I fully intended to romance freddie#and then... this bitch shows up for literally one song and I have to restart the whole thing before I even get to challenging a queen#because I now desire the goat guy carnally and I want to duet with him for the rest of forever thank u#also I don't think I can ever not romance him now seeing the contrast between what he gets up to in the endings#what do you MEAN if you don't romance him he just goes off and no one knows where he is. he's still just so alone??? no not on my watch#(if freddie is dead ( :( ) and you romance him there's an *adorable* part in the epilogue where he tells you hekate has him running around#getting lost relics back in a series of distinctly indiana jones-esque misadventures and it sounds like he's having the time of his life#if this is what it takes for him to actually talk to his family without anyone being complete dicks about it I must solemnly accept#the terrible burden of kissing him on every single run through of this game. it cannot be helped it's out of my hands now)
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rotating noelle around in my brain. i need the dess raises kris au to be real RIGHT NOW.
please talk to me about the dess raises kris au i think im gonna explode. also start writing it this summer maybe :3333
#chatter#drkau#posts that need context. basically despite being called 'dess raises kris' neither dess nor kris show up for the first arc of the story lol#it would cover dark worlds 1 + 2 + 3 which i would make up#and its about noelle susie and ralsei being the three closing dark worlds and becoming besties#BUT ALSO so ive always worried id never be as excited about noelle as kris#n thus do her poorly when shes literally like one of the main protagonists#BUT NO. IM GOOD NOW. I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT IM GONNA DO WITH HER#what do you do when your entire family has been defined by a grief you dont feel. by the death of a sister and friend you dont remember#what do you do when their grief shapes the form of your life and you keep bucking against it#because now youre the baby of the family and everything is On You#and you finally FINALLY find somewhere where you can maybe be someone#only to find out that that world never wanted you either. that world wasnt ever supposed to exist for you#what the fuck are you supposed to do#ANYWAYS NOELLE HOLIDAY-DREEMURR....NOELLE HOLIDAY-DREEMURR I LOVE YOU.....#(ps yes she gets a hyphenated name i wonder what might lead to this....)#(pps no i dont know what kris's last name is in this au skull emoji#chara would take dess's when they get married but dess wouldnt keep holiday (or let kris keep dreemurr)#cause she did. technically. kidnap them oops)#ANYWAYS IM SO NORMAL ABOUT THIS AU LITERALLY SHAKING IT AROUND LIKE A DOG WITH A CHEW TOY
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there's a very specific kind of vibe that comes with living with your friends in final year that it just does not have in first year or even second year. like as a fresher it's usually the first time any of you have lived away from home let alone with SO MANY people your age and it's terrifying and exciting and randomised to boot so it's generally carnage for a whole year in the best and worst ways, and then second year you pick who you're living with and it feels like for the first time you're doing this adult thing PROPERLY. you have a place of your own now. these are the people you've chosen to live with. studying gets serious etc. but it's still fresh. it's still new. you still don't know how to navigate it. but final year? final year is when you actually get it right. you know how to manage your time better. you know what works for you and what doesn't. studying is the main focus and you've been out in the world for three years now and it's not loud and boisterous like it was in first year and you're not exciteable and awkward like you were in second year. you're comfortable. every single one of my flatmates has their own friend group and we mainly keep to our own social circles, but we'll still meet each other back at the house after a night out and sit in the kitchen or my room to do the debrief. sometimes i'll go days not seeing either of them despite sharing a house but every now and then someone will softly call up the stairs that 'the heating's on!' or one of us will sneeze and the other two will yell 'bless you!' through the walls. the lack of interaction isn't interpreted as dislike in ways it would have been even last year, because we're all just old enough to be past that now and settled enough in our friendship not to worry about it. idk. uni is very loud and unsettling a lot of the time so it's been really sweet to see how almost boringly comfortable final year is.
#like my day today was literally drag myself out of bed at 10am to meet my econ friends bc we're in a group together#and i spent two hours with them writing a fucking TRADE REPORT before coming home#and the rest of the day was kinda lost. i showered. i put a wash on. i had a nap. i mainly stayed in my room#which sometimes is the End Of All Things but today was quite nice#and i can hear in their rooms how my flatmates are doing the exact same thing. pottering about and getting on with uni#and we've barely spoken all day but earlier my one flatmate ran into my room all excited to show me her nails#bc she's been teaching herself to do gels and it took her 2 hours but im still one of the first people she wanted to show#and just now we all went to use the bathroom at the same time and it led to one of our Stair Sessions#where we all inexplicably just gather on the stairs and chat for no reason with a cup of tea#idk it's just nice. it's such basic shit but i can't belive in first year i used to spend EVERY DAY with these girls#and we were one single friendship group and that was all we had#and then in second year one girl branched off bc she lived in a studio and got into her societies#but me and the other girl lived together again and it was the same thing of she was a friend before she was someone i lived with#and weirdly that can actually be detrimental to a dynamic. but this year we're all just very solidified and confident in ourselves#and where we stand and yes we all have our own friendship groups outside of the house now#but there's still that love and simple comfortableness around each other that you only get with time and a hell of a lot of proximity#and a sense of being settled that maybe is just what happens as you get older#idk it's just really nice. if i had this exact same day in first year (doing economics and barely leaving my room)#it would've been a really bad depressive day for me so the fact i can find such contentment from it now is really heartening#i love my little life here im very proud of what ive been able to achieve :)#hella goes to uni#feeling nostalgic because SOME BITCH decided to ribs post
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examining a seemingly normal image only to slowly realize the clear signs of AI generated art.... i know what you are... you cannot hide your true nature from me... go back where you came from... out of my sight with haste, wretched and vile husk
#BEGONE!!! *wizard beam blast leaving a black smoking crater in the middle of the tumblr dashboard*#I think another downside to everyone doing everything on phone apps on shitty tiny screens nowadays is the inability to really see details#of an image and thus its easier to share BLATANTLY fake things like.. even 'good' ai art has pretty obvious tells at this point#but especially MOST of it is not even 'good' and will have details that are clearly off or lines that dont make sense/uneven (like the imag#of a house interior and in the corner there's a cabinet and it has handles as if it has doors that open but there#are no actual doors visible. or both handles are slightly different shapes. So much stuff that looks 'normal' at first glance#but then you can clearly tell it's just added details with no intention or thought behind it. a pattern that starts and then just abruptly#doesn't go anywhere. etc. etc. )#the same thing with how YEARS ago when I followed more fashion type blogs on tumblr and 'colored hair' was a cool ''''New Thing''' instead#of being the norm now basically. and people would share photos of like ombre hair designs and stuff that were CLEARLY photoshop like#you could LITERally see the coloring outside of the lines. blurs of color that extend past the hair line to the rest of the image#or etc. But people would just share them regardless and comment like 'omg i wish I could do this to my hair!' or 'hair goallzzzz!! i#wonder what salon they went to !!' which would make me want to scream and correct them everytime ( i did not lol)#hhhhhhggh... literally view the image on anything close to a full sized screen and You Will SEe#I don't know why it's such a pet peeve of mine. I think just as always I'm obsessed with the reality and truth of things. most of the thing#that annoy me most about people are situations in which people are misinterpreting/misunderstanding how something works or having a misconc#eption about somehting thats easily provable as false or etc. etc. Even if it's harmless for some random woman on facebook to believe that#this AI generated image of a cat shaped coffee machine is actually a real product she could buy somewhere ... I still urgently#wish I could be like 'IT IS ALL AN ILLUSION. YOU SEE???? ITS NOT REALL!!!!! AAAAA' hjhjnj#Like those AI shoes that went around for a while with 1000000s of comments like 'omg LOVE these where can i get them!?' and it's like YOU#CANT!!! YOU CANT GET THEM!!! THEY DONT EXIST!!! THE EYELETS DONT EVEN LINE UP THE SHOES DONT EVEN#MATCH THE PATTERNS ARE GIBBERISH!! HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE THEY ARE NOT REAL!??!!' *sobbing in the rain like in some drama movie*#Sorry I'm a pedantic hater who loves truth and accuracy of interpretation and collecting information lol#I think moreso the lacking of context? Like for example I find the enneagram interesting but I nearly ALWAYS preface any talking about it#with ''and I know this is not scientifically accurate it's just an interesting system humans invented to classify ourselve and our traits#and I find it sociologically fascinating the same way I find religion fascinating'. If someone presented personality typing information wit#out that sort of context or was purporting that enneagram types are like 100% solid scientific truth and people should be classified by the#unquestionaingly in daily life or something then.. yeah fuck that. If these images had like disclaimers BIG in the image description somewh#re like 'this is not a real thing it's just an AI generated image I made up' then fine. I still largely disagree with the ethics behind AI#art but at least it's informed. It's the fact that people just post images w/o context or beleive a falsehood about it.. then its aAAAAAA
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The thing I hate the most about Christmas is that it has the simplest, most obvious holiday gimmick ever (give and get presents) but the Christmas Lovers™ just. Refuse to accept that this could possibly be a factor in why people who aren't children like Christmas over other holidays like sorry but you live across the street from your parents I dont believe that you literally only ever see your family But One Day A Year on Christmas, so the whole "I just love being with family uwu" schtick is so fucking transparent just say you like presents!!! Just say it!
"Oh the strange mystical unnameable magic of Christmas..."
Yeah that's presents and enforced Christianity and it's never been mystical or strange
#I have had two people in my life ask me about Christmas traditions with my family when not forced to do so by a questionnaire of some kind#every year everyone I know asks me what I got for Christmas#THE PRIORITIES ARE NOT OBFUSCATED IN ANY WAY#Cassidy.txt#I genuinely and truly would have so much less of a problem with people acting like I'm a serial killer for thinking Christmas is overrated#if they would admit that they like it mainly bc of presents#but instead I'm painted as a hater of humanity bc I think Santa Claus is fucking stupid and pointing out you could do literally every singl#'Christmas activity' whenever you want but you dont. you ignore your parents who live across the street until it's FB photo time.#so I guess there's also a kind of Christmas lover who just likes the social cache floating around this time of year#if it seems like I post about this a lot it's because everyone ignores it whenever I have brought it up interpersonally in any way :)#if you dont like Christmas you get social ostracization#FROM ADULTS?#You asked if I'm excited for Christmas and just said 'not really' and then we dont talk for three days#it's just a fucking day you could give people presents and do stuff together whenever you wanted!#put down the hallmark channel. it's just a fucking day like any other. you give everything your own meaning and I find none in it and#that takes nothing from anyone!!!!#I will say the funniest thing is hearing people describe why they like Christmas#and realizing they're just describing having time off of work#yes they're anti union they always are 🫶
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im literally going to throw up im sooooo mad i never got to trick or treat OR sleepover OR play dnd in all SIXTEEN YEARS OF MY FUCKING LIFE..... im supposed to be a TEENAGER doing TEENAGE THINGS but for some reason i CANT
#THE FUCKING TEENS IN DNDADS HAVE A BETTER SOCIAL LIFE THAN ME#WHAT THE HELL#sorry im listening to teen talk and theyre talking about key pivotal teen moments#and i literally have not been over to a friend's house in a YEAR#AND NONE OF MY IRLS EVEN WANT TO GO OUT AND PRACTICE CINEMATOGRAPHY W ME#THIS IS FUCKED#im not that mad about it though#pretty okay on my own#i enjoy the time i get to spend w myself#and i enjoy the freedom that it provides me#an di understand that i gotta make the most out of the situation i am unfortunately in#but like its so fucking hard to do things without the support of a friend by yr side...#but like being friends w someone just for the shit they provide you is kinda fucked#and if i think too hard about the power of friendship and the strong emotional bonds it creates#bad stuff happenbs#idk i just find it hard to find people who understand me#and i tend to click with people who don't share very similar perspectives on friendship w me#i just wish it was as easy for me as it seems to be for the teens#and in a way im afraid im falling behind or missing out cuz i lack a strong friendgroup to fuck around w#but i mean ive been told sleepovers are overated anyway soooo
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Traumatized 19 yr old guy here, seeing someone like me turning 30 fills me with so much hope that maybe i actually can make it, i just escaped mu shitty home and im in that “fuck what now” phase, so thank you sosososososo much for being here to prove theres an after to this part too
Escaping a shitty home is one of the hardest and best things I ever did. I don't need to know the specifics to know you're strong af and you'll figure this life thing out.
It's not always sunshine and roses obviously, but god, things get SO much better when you have your own agency and actually figure out how to use it.
We're all just deadass making it up as we go along. Over time you just get more practice with that. And more often than not, adult life is way more accommodating for mistakes than shitty homes were.
You made it through hell, now you get to live. What that means is up to you.
#I don't know if this is coherent I'm very tired from work#but idk man shit sucks when you start out with a shitty home and trauma#I feel you#literally fuck around and find out with life. do what you want. find out what your needs for happiness are#answering asks
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still thinking abt viv sending me her caps from uri at the vday cutscene. punching dirt about him and moen being Best Fuckign Friends. i love them so much. moen was so determined to wrangle this loser. god bless. i love moen and i would kill and die for her. so would uri except he cant. i cry every day
#also its STILL so weird to me that for a while xiv was trying to make it read as if uri was Weird about moen??#like girl you try to have that and (even before they rewrote that) saying moen is SUPER DETERMINED to be his friend??#have u ever BEEN a girl?? if someone is Weird about u..... u know. and u dont go EXTREMELY OUT OF YOUR WAY to get them to hang with u#i know this i spent a summer as a girl once for a social experiment /j#punching dirt he and moen loved each other sooooooo much. best fucking friends. his favourite food is the snacks she made. im cry#going to be ETERNALLY ANGRY about them fridging moen. for WHAT. she was TOO STRONG#revive her. i want her to be able to swing uri around by his midriff like a cat.#i love her so much she is everything to me. i would do anything for a huge purple woman.#me kicking uri out of the way move it gayboy im bout to find out if shes single#do u think shed make me snacks too. i think shed make me snacks. im only slightly less pathetic than uri#we love uri getting adopted by jocks as a fun little bestie#i am never not emotional about moenbryda my best friend#i ALSO have a good best friend of mine ive known my whole entire life and who helped me become able to socialize. i know the feeling!!!!!#i know it!!!!!!#IM LITERALLY SO NORMAL ABOUT MOEN I JUST LIKE HER SO MUCH SHE IS LARGE AND PURPLE AND MY FRIEND
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//Venting in Tags:: TW Sewerslide and shit like that
#dude seriously sometimes I think I’d be better off dead. and the people around me would be better off if I wasn’t around#I know they love me they say it all the time but at the same time in the back of my head there’s just this little voice telling me like#telling me its all fake. telling me theyre only staying out of pity for me or something like that#theres so many things wrong with me and if it’s not on the inside or how I act its how Im presented#I hear it all the time ‘you need to lose weight’ or ‘your face looks bad (acne)’ or literally anything#even small shit like I got told I was feminine and it hit me like a truck#I never EVER liked myself#I cant remember a time when I did#even when I was little I knew there was something wrong with me#I genuinely cant remember a single time when I was happy with myself and my life#I love my friends more than anything#and I have family members I would do anything for#but I know damn well what a disappointment I must be. Im not productive I don’t talk to anybody irl I don’t do anything irl I’m just#lazy and gross and depressed and stupid#I hate myself I always have and I don’t think I’ll ever stop hating myself#I have a fucking suicide note written and everything because I know one of these days somethings going to happen#and I won’t be able to stand it#and I’ll do something idiotic#and I’ll find the one permanent solution to a possibly temporary problem#I don’t want to be this way but I can’t bring myself to fix anything#it’s like my mind and body won’t let me get better. maybe i was just destined to be this gross fucking thing#maybe that’s it#maybe I don’t have a purpose. maybe I was just born to suffer#who knows. maybe Im overthinking everything. maybe im fine. maybe it’s gonna be ok. but I don’t know#I just don’t know anymore#I don’t know what to do
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So You Need To Buy A Computer But You Don't Know What Specs Are Good These Days
Hi.
This is literally my job.
Lots of people are buying computers for school right now or are replacing computers as their five-year-old college laptop craps out so here's the standard specs you should be looking for in a (windows) computer purchase in August 2023.
PROCESSOR
Intel i5 (no older than 10th Gen)
Ryzen 7
You can get away with a Ryzen 5 but an intel i3 should be an absolute last resort. You want at least an intel i5 or a Ryzen 7 processor. The current generation of intel processors is 13, but anything 10 or newer is perfectly fine. DO NOT get a higher performance line with an older generation; a 13th gen i5 is better than an 8th gen i7. (Unfortunately I don't know enough about ryzens to tell you which generation is the earliest you should get, but staying within 3 generations is a good rule of thumb)
RAM
8GB absolute minimum
If you don't have at least 8GB RAM on a modern computer it's going to be very, very slow. Ideally you want a computer with at least 16GB, and it's a good idea to get a computer that will let you add or swap RAM down the line (nearly all desktops will let you do this, for laptops you need to check the specs for Memory and see how many slots there are and how many slots are available; laptops with soldered RAM cannot have the memory upgraded - this is common in very slim laptops)
STORAGE
256GB SSD
Computers mostly come with SSDs these days; SSDs are faster than HDDs but typically have lower storage for the same price. That being said: SSDs are coming down in price and if you're installing your own drive you can easily upgrade the size for a low cost. Unfortunately that doesn't do anything for you for the initial purchase.
A lot of cheaper laptops will have a 128GB SSD and, because a lot of stuff is stored in the cloud these days, that can be functional. I still recommend getting a bit more storage than that because it's nice if you can store your music and documents and photos on your device instead of on the cloud. You want to be able to access your files even if you don't have internet access.
But don't get a computer with a big HDD instead of getting a computer with a small SSD. The difference in speed is noticeable.
SCREEN (laptop specific)
Personally I find that touchscreens have a negative impact on battery life and are easier to fuck up than standard screens. They are also harder to replace if they get broken. I do not recommend getting a touch screen unless you absolutely have to.
A lot of college students especially tend to look for the biggest laptop screen possible; don't do that. It's a pain in the ass to carry a 17" laptop around campus and with the way that everything is so thin these days it's easier to damage a 17" screen than a 14" screen.
On the other end of that: laptops with 13" screens tend to be very slim devices that are glued shut and impossible to work on or upgrade.
Your best bet (for both functionality and price) is either a 14" or a 15.6" screen. If you absolutely positively need to have a 10-key keyboard on your laptop, get the 15.6". If you need something portable more than you need 10-key, get a 14"
FORM FACTOR (desktop specific)
If you purchase an all-in-one desktop computer I will begin manifesting in your house physically. All-in-ones take away every advantage desktops have in terms of upgradeability and maintenance; they are expensive and difficult to repair and usually not worth the cost of disassembling to upgrade.
There are about four standard sizes of desktop PC: All-in-One (the size of a monitor with no other footprint), Tower (Big! probably at least two feet long in two directions), Small Form Factor Tower (Very moderate - about the size of a large shoebox), and Mini/Micro/Tiny (Small! about the size of a small hardcover book).
If you are concerned about space you are much better off getting a MicroPC and a bracket to put it on your monitor than you are getting an all-in-one. This will be about a million percent easier to work on than an all-in-one and this way if your monitor dies your computer is still functional.
Small form factor towers and towers are the easiest to work on and upgrade; if you need a burly graphics card you need to get a full size tower, but for everything else a small form factor tower will be fine. Most of our business sales are SFF towers and MicroPCs, the only time we get something larger is if we have to put a $700 graphics card in it. SFF towers will accept small graphics cards and can handle upgrades to the power supply; MicroPCs can only have the RAM and SSD upgraded and don't have room for any other components or their own internal power supply.
WARRANTY
Most desktops come with either a 1 or 3 year warranty; either of these is fine and if you want to upgrade a 1 year to a 3 year that is also fine. I've generally found that if something is going to do a warranty failure on desktop it's going to do it the first year, so you don't get a hell of a lot of added mileage out of an extended warranty but it doesn't hurt and sometimes pays off to do a 3-year.
Laptops are a different story. Laptops mostly come with a 1-year warranty and what I recommend everyone does for every laptop that will allow it is to upgrade that to the longest warranty you can get with added drop/damage protection. The most common question our customers have about laptops is if we can replace a screen and the answer is usually "yes, but it's going to be expensive." If you're purchasing a low-end laptop, the parts and labor for replacing a screen can easily cost more than half the price of a new laptop. HOWEVER, the way that most screens get broken is by getting dropped. So if you have a warranty with drop protection, you just send that sucker back to the factory and they fix it for you.
So, if it is at all possible, check if the manufacturer of a laptop you're looking at has a warranty option with drop protection. Then, within 30 days (though ideally on the first day you get it) of owning your laptop, go to the manufacturer site, register your serial number, and upgrade the warranty. If you can't afford a 3-year upgrade at once set a reminder for yourself to annually renew. But get that drop protection, especially if you are a college student or if you've got kids.
And never, ever put pens or pencils on your laptop keyboard. I've seen people ruin thousand dollar, brand-new laptops that they can't afford to fix because they closed the screen on a ten cent pencil. Keep liquids away from them too.
LIFESPAN
There's a reasonable chance that any computer you buy today will still be able to turn on and run a program or two in ten years. That does not mean that it is "functional."
At my office we estimate that the functional lifespan of desktops is 5-7 years and the functional lifespan of laptops is 3-5 years. Laptops get more wear and tear than desktops and desktops are easier to upgrade to keep them running. At 5 years for desktops and 3 years for laptops you should look at upgrading the RAM in the device and possibly consider replacing the SSD with a new (possibly larger) model, because SSDs and HDDs don't last forever.
COST
This means that you should think of your computers as an annual investment rather than as a one-time purchase. It is more worthwhile to pay $700 for a laptop that will work well for five years than it is to pay $300 for a laptop that will be outdated and slow in one year (which is what will happen if you get an 8th gen i3 with 8GB RAM). If you are going to get a $300 laptop try to get specs as close as possible to the minimums I've laid out here.
If you have to compromise on these specs, the one that is least fixable is the processor. If you get a laptop with an i3 processor you aren't going to be able to upgrade it even if you can add more RAM or a bigger SSD. If you have to get lower specs in order to afford the device put your money into the processor and make sure that the computer has available slots for upgrade and that neither the RAM nor the SSD is soldered to the motherboard. (one easy way to check this is to search "[computer model] RAM upgrade" on youtube and see if anyone has made a video showing what the inside of the laptop looks like and how much effort it takes to replace parts)
Computers are expensive right now. This is frustrating, because historically consumer computer prices have been on a downward trend but since 2020 that trend has been all over the place. Desktop computers are quite expensive at the moment (August 2023) and decent laptops are extremely variably priced.
If you are looking for a decent, upgradeable laptop that will last you a few years, here are a couple of options that you can purchase in August 2023 that have good prices for their specs:
14" Lenovo - $670 - 11th-gen i5, 16GB RAM, and 512GB SSD
15.6" HP - $540 - 11th-gen i5, 16GB RAM, and 256GB SSD
14" Dell - $710 - 12th-gen i5, 16GB RAM, and 256GB SSD
If you are looking for a decent, affordable desktop that will last you a few years, here are a couple of options that you can purchase in August 2023 that have good prices for their specs:
SFF HP - $620 - 10th-gen i5, 16GB RAM, 1TB SSD
SFF Lenovo - $560 - Ryzen 7 5000 series, 16GB RAM, 512GB SSD
Dell Tower - $800 - 10th-gen i7, 16GB RAM, 512GB SSD
If I were going to buy any of these I'd probably get the HP laptop or the Dell Tower. The HP Laptop is actually a really good price for what it is.
Anyway happy computering.
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#idk i kind of find it fucked up that my dad thinks it was a bad idea to tell me about his life insurance plan#he told my mom “ you think it was a good idea telling him ? you know people kill people for it”#almost if not is insinuating that i would do something like that#idk to me it speaks volumes on how he views me as a person to think i would even think of such a thing#it bothers me to think he would think id do that i definitely dont get along with the dude but i wouldn't do that 😂#like you really think that low of me 😂 bruh that shit is sad to me#i absolutely hated him when i was growing up; literally had everyone walking on eggshells#you literally quite literally couldn't say anything to him or he would get aggressively mad#literally so mad that his screams alone would make my ears ring and hed throw stuff around in his little shed#i would be so scared as a kid helping him with a car maintenance or anything around the house cause any inconvenience#would have the man screaming at me when I've done nothing but try and help and cuss me out for the thing he fucked up something#for years i couldn't hang out with my classmates outside of school near my house without him cussing at me and screaming at me to go home#if he saw me with them at the abandoned next door neighbors house he would literally scream at me and cuss at me to get in the fucking house#and would grab my arm and push me inside; i was just in middle school at the time and ive already been through so much mental abusive#i would get blaimed for anything he did wrong when i would try to help him fix something around the house and it wasnt my fault#screaming and cussing at me calling me fucking stupid in Spanish i hated him so much his excuses are work had him so stressed out#like if that excuses him for taking his stress out on my sister and i; its absolute bullshit the man he is now is just a toned down version#thats why when he did it again not long ago it triggered me so much it brought back so many horrible memories i didnt want to remember#he didnt even apologize to me he just told my mom he was embarrassed and didnt know what got over him like that's an excuse to scream#and cuss at everyone who had nothing to do with him fucking up the wall he had no reason of cutting and cutting a pipe in the process#he was cussing at me saying i dont want to be critique 🤣 like dawg all i was only giving him options to fix the problem#he took that as critiquing and he fucking exploded cussing and screaming in Spanish i was sure we were about to fight again#it wouldn't be the first time ive fought him before when i was a teenager cause he would scream at my mom and grandma#and i would stand up for them and just for that he would throw hands with a 13 year old me a 15 year old me a 16 17 amd 18 year old me#he was a horrible person and i hate it when people tell me he was a good person there that he was a good father cause he provided for my mom#like if thay excuses the abuse he put my sister and i through like fuck that dude he had not right hitting my sister in the face#and mentally abusing us its absolute bullshit and i still have not gotten over my childhood#literally the worst time of my life was my whole childhood for every good time i had there were 10 times more negative shit that happened#so i find it funny that he'd think i would kill him 🤣 for his insurance money i dont want his stupid money#he really thinks that low of me and it's quite sad honestly
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#listen so like med school really isn't about whether you're smart enough or not#or whether you can memorize enough things to pass or not#fr like it's not about who's smarter or more clever or better at memorizing#it's fr about being dedicated and committing to studying and paying attention in class#it isn't even about reading the books back to back it's literally just about listening and learning how to identify the most useful info#it's also about finding joy in each class whether you like it or not it's about finding bright sides and silver linings#it's about giving your entire attention to it every once in a while#and that's coming from someone who thinks the belief that a med student can't have a life outside of med is fucked up#and absolutely not true#it's just about being able to balance shit out#and truly it's about prioritizing#what's my point with this you might wonder?#don't get into med school unless you're a 100% sure this is what you want and you can handle this#this meaning countless hours of stress and pulling all nighters and rude professors and rude patients#bc otherwise you're just going to make yourself and those around you very very miserable for years#and im not scaring anyone off bc it's not about that#if medicine was an impossible major there would be no doctors#but it takes a lot and if you're not willing to give it your all it's really not worth to lose that much money on school and supplies#now how do i @ my irl friend lmao
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