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makeela · 5 years

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Top 12 Most Unfuckable Men In FFXIV (according to a lesbian)

(WARNING: This list contains spoilers up to 5.0)

12. Urianger Augurelt

Urianger is the least unfuckable man in Final Fantasy XIV. Mostly because, well - look at him. That’s the look of a man who has either fucked a lot or never once in his life, and we all saw Moenbryda. If Urianger told me he wanted to “smasheth mine pussy” I would have no choice but to accept, if only because it’d be an experience. There is nothing wrong with wanting to fuck Urianger.

11. Aymeric de Borel

Aymeric was originally in Urianger’s spot when I was thinking about this list, and the only reason he’s not is because he has definitely never fucked before in his life. So aggressively has he never fucked that when he was born, he had to come out via cesarean section, so that he might not have touched pussy even once. You would have to have a several year long committed relationship with him and it still wouldn’t happen until after his dumbass best friend gets possessed by a giant dragon and he’s trying real hard to stave off those Unholy Urges. It doesn’t work. This does not change the fact that, if I had to choose a man, I would be honored for Ser Aymeric de Borel to have a seat on my face.

10. Crystal Exarch

Haurchefant wants what the Crystal Exarch has: he’s smart, he’s cute, and his body is partially composed of rocks. All he wants is to go on an adventure with you, and maybe hold your hand. I feel like fucking the Crystal Exarch isn’t even sexual at this point, your emotional connection is just so deep that it’s only right to make him cry over and over. You’re being a good friend. You should fuck the Crystal Exarch.

9. Cid nan Garlond

I feel like Cid is the true neutral of this list. He’s funny, not objectively bad looking, loves to make shit for you and showers regularly. Unfortunately, he is not exceptionally memorable on a list of Male Characters I’d Be Interested In Maybe Fucking, If I Had To. I was almost done with this list before I even remembered that Cid is a major character, and not your best friend who you would never even consider fucking, just because that’s the kind of relationship you guys have. I would not fuck Cid, but not because there’s anything wrong with him; I just don’t want to fuck him. Sorry, Cid.

8. Gaius van Baelsar

Gaius van Baelsar definitely smells bad. He’s tried to kill you more than once, and two of those times was with a big robot that had god powers. However, like, just look at him. Imagine if he washed his hair. We all know how tall Alphinaud is, right? Look at how small he is by comparison. This is, in truth, the only reason he is in this spot and not one lower - he’s basically just a Metal Gear Solid character, which I am not mad about at all. I kind of wish Gaius was my father figure, and if, at some point, I ended up fucking him, I don’t think it would be the end of the world. I don’t think you should go out of your way to fuck Gaius van Baelsar, but if it happens, it happens, right?

7. Estinien Wyrmblood

I really wish I could justify ranking Estinien somewhere above Gaius. I really do. If I wasn’t trying to be at least semi-objective, he’d be right below Aymeric. He’s just so spiky. And Mean. And Sad. Unfortunately, I regret to inform you all and remind myself that there is no way that Estinien Wyrmblood does not, on a constant basis, smell like the inside of a Taco Bell, and I’m, like, at least 75% sure that he doesn’t know how to read. There also wouldn’t be much of a chase if you wanted to fuck Estinien, but unless he’s like, in love with you he’s also a very wham-bam-thank you ma’am kind of guy, and I’d be more into it if I got to braid his hair afterwards and gently reassure him that things were going to be okay. I wish I could recommend that you fuck Estinien, but I don’t think that’s the kind of physical comfort he needs right now.

6. Zenos yae Galvus

After Estinien I wasn’t sure who to put next, just because starting around here you get to Men I Am Neither Disgusted By Nor Benevolent Toward the concept of fucking, and I didn’t even think I had any of those until my friend, no hesitation, said “Zenos.” She is right. Zenos is pretty, he’s huge, he kills a lot of people and enjoys the job. This is a charm point for me. He also has absolutely no character traits otherwise so all he has is that he’s Pretty and Likes Murder. Talk to me again when he has depression and maybe we can re-evaluate.

5. Thancred Waters

Thancred and I have had a very tumultuous relationship. In ARR, he was alright. My opinion of him improved significantly in Heavensward, where he was just a long-haired eyepatched hobo who refused to revisit human civilization because he didn’t want to wear pants. In Shadowbringers, he just turned into a shitty dad, and I did not like that shit at all. They took his eyepatch and his ponytail and gave him Shitty Parenting Skills. If Thancred were my father figure, I would simply not speak to him. I could not be persuaded to fuck Thancred.

4. Magnai Oronir

I don’t need to explain this one.

3. Nabriales

I don’t think Nabriales is too much worse than, like, Lahabrea, in terms of fuckability - meaning that, if pressed, I would not choose to fuck either of them - but every time I get the Chrysalis in Trial Roulette half the party immediately drops. The Chrysalis isn’t even that hard, guys, just make sure someone limit breaks the tear. I love to MT the Chrysalis. As someone who consistently gets Thornmarch and Steps of Faith in Trials Roulette, I will kick the shit out of Nabriales any day. Just, not sexually. At all. Maybe a little bit if the off tank would turn off tank stance.

2. Hien Rijin

Hien is pretty cute. Unfortunately, he is also an imperialist, even though the MSQ doesn’t want to talk about that at all because he’s your buddy. Every single time I got a quest like “talk to Hien!” I would get so mad. I don’t want to talk to Hien. Every time I talk to Hien he just wants me to help him infringe on another race’s cultural events for his benefit. It wouldn’t even be a problem for me if it wasn’t encouraged and entirely uncriticized by the narrative. I don’t want to see or be seen by Hien.

1. Haurchefant Greystone

I didn’t play FFXIV for three years because I thought Haurchefant was a main character. Literally, for like, three years, many of my friends were like “Play FFXIV!” and I was like “no!” because I didn’t want to hear about Haurchefant more than I already had to. By the time I met him in MSQ, I was willing to give him a chance. I got it, at the beginning - he’s helpful, he’s complimentary. The problem is, that’s it. I think he sounds like Kif Kroker, and I think I would rather die than fuck him, which is saying a lot coming from me since I think most aliens are super sexy. After I knew Haurchefant for, like, two weeks, he invited me to come to his house and he was like “you have no idea how long I waited for this!” You waited two weeks, man. I understand that you live in an icy tundra and you’ve not felt the touch of another in years, because that’s the only way you could possibly be this horny by the time I stumble into your office, but Jesus Christ, dude. I wish I could be friends with Haurchefant, but I know this is simply not possible since he is so deeply horny that once the point was made the friendship could no longer recover. I am truly, deeply glad that I’ll never have to worry about having a Tinder date with Haurchefant go awry and he will never send me fifty texts asking for photos of my feet. Haurchefant is the most unfuckable man in Final Fantasy XIV. Sorry, Haurchefant. I wish things could be different.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

1. Nero tol Scaeva

Nero fucking sucks. I would probably fuck Nero. You should not fuck Nero.

2. Emet-Selch

I’m pretty sure that Emet-Selch wouldn’t even be DTF, at least not with the Warrior of Light. On the off chance that he was, though, I would definitely fuck Emet-Selch. I cannot see any good reasons why I shouldn’t fuck Emet-Selch. He is greasy, and old, and talks in riddles. This is extremely sexy to me. If these things are not extremely sexy to you, I don’t think you should fuck Emet-Selch.

#final fantasy xiv #ffxiv #final fantasy #nobody be weird on this please :(#good shit op #(i'm op)

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riathelancer · 7 years

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My Prompts #1) Ria/Lyse

They lay there, huffing and puffing, both of them covered in bruises. Ria's were vaguely-fist shaped, and they practically covered her body- she couldn't remember a time when she didn't hurt as much- not even when that bastard Zenos had broken a katana over her stomach. Honestly, she felt like she could have just collapsed for a few days straight, right there in Rhalgr's open palm, staring at the open blue sky. She couldn't help but let out a chuckle, and then a full-throated laugh as she felt the last of the built-up tension leave her body, something she'd desperately needed for the longest time.

“Ria? What's so funny? What're you laughing about?”

That came from the blonde sprawled next to her. Lyse was also covered in bruises, though a majority of hers were smaller and rounder than the ones upon Ria. There were a few long and broad ones, where the haft of Ria's practice spear had bashed into her side to knock her away, and there was the heavy one in Ria's side where Lyse's leg had smacked into her to knock her out of the air.

“...just remembering the look on your face you had when you walloped me with your leg and I almost fell off this thing. You pulled me right back, gave me a whack in the ribs, and then spun me away to continue the fight. I feel like a bloody behemoth stomped all over me and then did the Manderville on my head, for good measure.”

That drew a laugh from Lyse.

“A behemoth doing the Manderville... now that I'd like to see. Maybe they'd feature it in the Gold Saucer or something?”

More laughter from both of them, and then they both fell silent, staring up at the blue sky. After some quiet time, Lyse was the first one to speak.

“...so many of us have been lost. Minfilia... Moenbryda... Louisoix... even Papalymo... and now Conrad's gone, too... and I'm in charge of an entire bloody Resistance movement. Ever since I met you in Gridania-”

“That stump, you mean? The one where the Ascian was trying to rile up the Ixal to irritate the elementals something fierce to get them rampaging?”

Lyse nodded.

“Yeah, that one. We found you there after we tracked down some nasty aether, if I remember... and that was when we all met and the like. Things certainly went to merry hell after that, if I do say so myself...”

The touch of bitterness in Lyse's voice caught Ria's attention, and she turned onto her side to look at her first- if not best- friend. Lyse's face still looked the same, but there was a touch of ice and something bitter in her eyes. Ria knew what it was right away- anger, sadness, grief- negative emotions that finally were bursting out of where they'd been stuffed for so long, and did what others had done for her- gently urged her friend to let them out, to finally let go.

“...I'm not trying to blame you, Ria, but it's... it's lonely now. I used to have the rest of the Scions to help me with all this- I'd leave the leading to Minfilia, the thinking to Papalymo and Urianger, and the magic-y to Y'shtola, and the sneaky to Thancred... but now... I'm in charge. I can't ask Papalymo on advice on what to do, and Minfilia, wherever she is, won't tell me where she needs me to go to do the most good. Y'shtola seems... different, and Urianger still buries himself in the Waking Sands, at those tomes of his. We're breaking apart... everybody's going off on their different paths.

The others will find some new corner of the world... and sooner or later there will be some new crisis and even...”

She stopped, but Ria could still hear the upcoming words.

You'll leave me, too.

In absence of anything else to do, Ria did the only thing she could: her hand reached down, and finger-flicked Lyse right on the forehead. That caused Lyse to sit up, in quite a huff.

“Ria, what was that for?!”

“Because you're not thinking things through, Lyse. Yes, I go where I'm needed. I have to. Warrior of Light, and all that. But if you think... for one second... that that means I'm ever going to leave you in the lurch, then I might have hit you one too many times over the head.”

“What?”

“...you're the closest friend I have left, too. You have my linkpearl, and if you ever need me, for anything, I'll come running if I can. No matter where in the world I am, I'll always make time for you. And if you're ever in trouble again- you in general, Ala Mhigo, or you just need a friend to talk things through... I'm just an aetheryte away. You might end up here, running things for the forseeable future... but where there's a crystal, there's a way- and we'll never truly be apart. Nothing's impossible, yet. I’d wager there’s one in the city proper.”

Lyse laid back down onto the statue's palm, and she simply relaxed, the anger finally draining out of her.

“...we'll never truly be alone. I may mostly belong to the world, to help fight its evils... but I can give you a part of me, too. Besides, it's not like I'm going anywhere anytime soon. We still have a nation to free, and I have an imperial arse to kick.”

“...I thought you'd say that.”

Leaning back, Lyse closed her eyes as the sun shone down, slowly warming the stone of the hand.

“...d'you think they can see us? The ones who are gone, I mean. Do you think... they'd be proud?”

Ria looked down and grinned, hiding a smirk under one hand.

“...I think they're proud of you, but you'd better hope they're not looking. I think your dress, um... needs a little something.”

With a look down, Lyse's face reddened, and she rolled onto her stomach to adjust things.

“You're lucky you’re you, Ria. You know, I've kicked people... very hard... for less than that.”

Shaking her head, Ria sat up.

“...if I asked you to teach me how to fight, would it make up for it? Poking things is nice and all, but... I'd love it if you taught me how. I was always jealous of how you moved around, just bouncing around, always somewhere else... and here I am trying to swat a firefly with a stick, it feels like.

Having adjusted her dress, Lyse sat up herself and leaned onto Ria's shoulder.

“...only if I can get you to wear an Ala Mhigan fighting dress while we're doing it- if you're going to see me, I get to see you!”

That... left Ria a bit speechless, before Lyse stood up and started laughing.

“Kidding! Ria, you ought to see the look on your face! Ha! Oh, I needed that... of course I'll teach you to fight, my friend. Our lessons might be far apart... but it'd be my honor to teach you everything I know.”

Offering Ria a hand, Lyse pulled the miqo'te to her feet and they laughed, the sound spiraling up to the sky as they greeted the new day.

Two weeks later...

The battle had gone surprisingly well- what with Zenos essentially deciding that he had to use the Empire's new toy, the Resonator, to merge with Shinryu, which they'd been holding captive. It had been a hard fight, and Ria was finally free of most of the injuries she'd suffered in the fighting.

Returning to her chambers in the palace (they'd all agreed the Resistance needed an outpost in Ala Mhigo proper, and the castle was right there), she was shocked to find a bundle wrapped in cloth sitting on her bed, a penned note sitting on top of it.

Your first lesson is at seven bells. I'll be by to help you dress! - Lyse

Shaking out the package... revealed a fighting dress, much the same cut as Lyse's, if in a different design- only this one was in a green hue, one that Ria noticed brought out her eyes and contrasted beautifully with her hair.

Was this really just a friendship...? And just how did Lyse know her sizes and everything- well, she was going to have words with a certain lalafell, that was for sure. But the most pressing problem...

“How do I put this damned thing on?”

OOC: I loved everything they did with Lyse, right from the beginning of the reveal back in 3.whatever. Given that Ria started as a lancer out of Gridania, and she was essentially mentored by her and Papalymo into the Scions, my headcanon for my run was that they were close, and they only got closer as friends after Papalymo sacrificed himself to shut up Shinryu for a good long while so we could chase down Omega and all that happy chocobo stuff. Stormblood is really where she came into her own as a character, and I pictured Lyse and Ria as some sort of “slam sisters” - like bash brothers, but female- and they’d grow close over the battles.

I might continue this one, I love how they bounce off each other!

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