.

//Venting in Tags:: TW Sewerslide and shit like that

fav campaign and why

<this is YOUR invitation to send me asks about anything>

oh god im no good at having feelings or opinions so ill just go down a list rattling off my experiences with the campaigns

for the record from the start ive been cheating, ive Never played this game blind. id consumed a lot of rain world playthrough medias before playing it (im not good at playing games in the sense that i simply do not experience them- im a speedrunner at heart... or not competitive or intelligent, im just walking fast paced from start to end...) and when i did play i always had a map and the wiki open which i think diminishes some of the feeling. but i still had fun moving from place to place

SURVIVOR: its classic. its sweet. its fun. i played about halfway through myself, but the second half i completed with my "Boyfriend" so i remember it as being very entertaining as we both fumbled around and learned together. it serves its purpose well and i think anything i enjoy about rain world can be seen in the survivor campaign at least to start off with... 10/10 nothing special but no loss by playing it yknow. ive also done an outer expanse + baby run (ftr if you want baby fast before going to outer expanse, live in industrial for a while. cannot compete with that pup spawn rate + you can easily make the rounds to check like 5 shelters a cycle before its anywhere near over) which yes -_- did make me cry.

MONK: i.. dont like playing monk. friendliness from other creatures does not mean much to me when actively hostile creatures are near impossible to kill because my spear can travel one (1) slugcats worth in distance so i would not play this with my fairly aggressive play style... i only played it for the short time itd take to get to outer expanse and. again. yes. i cried -_- i think its very sweet, and i am like. (clinically) psychotically attached to monk where its very important to my heart BUT Its not fun as a game experience to me

HUNTER: i tried to jolly co op cheat and play as arti to finish this as i find arti the easiest to play as but i kept crashing which is. you know. very bad for the single campaign where you want to be losing the least so ive never made much progress with this one and i genuinely dont want to open hunter back up because of the crashing. i THINK This was because i was playing w the sunhat mod because ive never experienced that magnitude of crashing constantly and uninstalled it after and have not experienced that again until... well youll read later

GOURMAND: i played this one from the start with my "Boyfriend" and so again it was fun from that, ESPECIALLY because he played as artificer and so was essentially my chariot throughout the campaign... easy way to beat gourmands exhaustion: make your partner carry you. shrimple. its SO fun to beat the shit out of creatures and i do like being forced to just take a moment and walk around slowly, i havent found his exhaustion toooo terrible if youre just patient except when youre fighting creatures that have health enough that you cant kill them in one hit. but being able to just slam something to death is SO satisfying, i enjoyed it. HOWEVER, ive never actually gotten to the END (Due to "Boyfriend" availability, we've stopped just outside the outer expanse gate). and of course, yes, every single fucking time i watch someone go into outer expanse i CRY LIKE A BABY. the first i think DOZEN times i watched people go through outer expanse, id start WAILING whenever i just saw slugcat npcs, it tugs and tears at my heart strings so badly. youre not alone. youve spent a campaign or two trudging through a wasteland empty of kind relatable figures but youre HOME now, just as you left it, and everyones so happy to see you back. im crying now . (do i just cry a lot? Maybe. im at an emotional point in my life... be nice.) 12/10 above survivor def, and gourmands my most favorite to play as in expedition- cant argue with that combat system + exhaustion isnt too bad for me + i love the variety of the world, its not impossibly difficult while not being easy.

ARTIFICER: ive never finished revenge route, ill be going to a different save file to try and it now, instead ive finished the ascension route. i know arti can be... extremely frustrating to play because its hitting a wall again and again and again but i really didnt have too much trouble approaching it knowing i had to be prepared to die + using my map a lot ("WTF this game is so unfair i cant see enemies about to shoot me!" Use Your Map. use your map and slug senses) + of course... ample map skills so im not ambling and getting like im getting lost and dying for nothing. though i will say, i did nearly give up at exactly the end- i think its the camera scroll mod but subterranean made the game near unplayable. like 0.5 frames per second, computer screaming, crashing i think a half dozen times again in an area where i NEEDED the karma to the point where i had to passage in place so i could ascend, and then crashing i think thrice while i was in the depths, including not allowing me to see the end cutscene... specifically that huge room with the big pit would grind the game to a halt i think because its so large and all the enemy AI, and all the spiders and centipedes are a nightmare and i just... hated it. every other leg of the game was fine, rewarding, heart touching but dear fucking lord, subterranean isnt more difficult or intriguing its just "the games not going to play smoothly at all and heres 5000000 ridiculously enemies". i WANT to love it, you know i love arti, but its just impossible to play if you want to ascend. and of course revenge route is crazy short which feels bad. removed from my experiences though, i think its beautiful with the one caveat that revenge route is TOO short. ive watched way too many people who were interested in the lore never get to even the third dream because theres just not enough shelters if you run straight to metropolis, which makes me sad. but the story generally is beautiful and i love it (and i could talk about it later, some of the things people say about arti makes me.. insane. either that shes totally righteous in her actions, or that her pups deaths are her fault)

SPEARMASTER: playing this one while cheating both using the map to plan exactly the route you need and to go through precipice as arti for the double jump + to swallow the pearl made it an absolute dream. yes the world is very scary but you can avoid a lot of the worst parts by simply not being there <3 one part: i did forget to change back to spearmaster before going to moon and she did crash my game so . remember to do that. very good campaign both for me to have played without doing anything as intended (never touched a broadcast), combat is fun, but also a very good story. i really like five pebbles and... i cannot get into the degree of five pebbles apologist i am i genuinely cant detail this without going off the rails. regardless; much 2 think about.

RIVULET: never played this one + not playing this one very scary looks bad dont want it. no rot no underwater sections no thank you. wont touch it. wont look at it. thank you

SAINT: hesitant to play this one due to the adventure aspect though i already got all echoes with arti so it cant be that bad- of course the story aspect of it all cannot be understated and it fully shattered my world view when i got into it. rain worlds live and die messaging has really helped me through suicidal and delusional periods and im very glad for what can be gleaned from saints story so i do like it a lot. as ive said before its also so amazing how a game with little to no tutorial text or cutscenes can have numerous jaw drop moments (with max karma reveal and descent into rubicon)

SOFANTHIEL: funny haha! (Jumps around

Opens door gently this time

Soooo i went to reread the last two chapters of stars but then i kept seeing a reference to the previous chapter and next thing you know I've scrolled to chapter 20 😭

Anyways long story short i binged chapters 20-28 of stars today LMFAOOO

I cant believe so much shit happens with no break like huhhh, i thought it was 2 chapters of intenseness but nope 😭 those poor boys really did not get a break till the absolute end ohmygod

I ended up screaming in a lot of the ask i was gonna send so ima just cut it down to the legible parts lmfao 😭

The sum up of the screaming is pre much just: stars sandduo holyshit i love them so much

Every time there was a sandduo scene i felt like my chest was going to explode omg 😭😭😭 i gen forgot how to breathe shdkgkfjdkfjf they just ooohhhhh its just such a good dynamic, also damnnn brooo reading the phil pov today really showed just how similar they are together, the both of them were in such denial over being father son lmfao 😭

BROOO PHIL LEGIT TELLS HIM THAT HIS NICKNAME IS SMTH ELYTRIANS CALL THEIR CHILDREN AND MANS WAS STILL LIKE "nope ✋️" im cryinggg hahahaha

Also brooooo stars crimeboys are So Brothers i cant they make me Sick

Like out of all the crimeboys in ur fics, idk man u just,, did such a good job?? At making them seem like biological brothers. Cause i love found family crimeboys, but that type of brothers is a diff vibe from biological siblings, and you did such a good job at capturing it. I remember reading the first chapter of stars and getting smack cammed by the sheer Brotherness they gave off. They really reminded me of me and my sister (we r also half siblings!! It's cool seeing half sibling rep) eueueueu :( /pos

ALSO I love how you write Techno so much, in all of your fics, you always capture the intimidating aura plus the genuine softer personality and his humour, it's so lovely i love him, holds stars!techno softly, hes sooo skrunkly

I like seeing the parallels between stars and glass, especially the power that names hold in both fics, it's so cool. All of ur fics are so neat

Godddd the crimeboys reconciliation scene is one of my favourite scenes in any fanfiction ever ohkygod my heart hurt so much reading it it was so good holyshit

Im still also not over how Phil was proud when Wilbur one upped him, mans just got destroyed and he was just like "omg thats my son!!! Right there!!!" Im cryingggg i love sandduo so much

I am feeling so emotionally drained (/pos) after all of that tho 😭😭 i just went through all five stages of grief like 8 different times lmfaooo

Im gonna cope by writing my own sandduo (is this healthy? Probably not but who cares, sandduo 4 life ☝️)

rn my mental image is that with your first ask you slammed the door open and screamed and now you're just gently opening it and peeking your head in and it's very funny to me

damnn binging 20-28 in a single day that's so much

literally so much happened towards the end of stars. basically I had a ton of things building up to the crimeboys fight, and once that happened everything was falling down a mountain from there. they literally got next to no breaks.

phil and wilbur are soooo similar it's so funny. like there was a reason everyone around them was like "damn you really are like phil" to wilbur 😭

man that makes me so happy to hear that I did a good job with the bio sibling rep. writing crimeboys as biological brothers is definitely a slightly different vibe from the found family brothers. I don't know how to explain it, but it definitely feels different for me to write. thankfully it's not something I have to think about much. it's a natural shift that's easy to switch to (which is a bit ironic considering I myself am an only child lmao)

aaa ty for the compliments about how I write techno!! out of sbi techno has always been the one whose characterization i struggle with the most. I've definitely gotten more comfortable writing him over the years, but back when I was writing clinic i was SO stressed writing that one on one scene with him and tommy. I think one of the biggest issues I have with the way a lot of people characterize him is how they forget his humor. techno is funny, and will crack jokes even at inappropriate moments. obviously I have to keep the tone of a story in mind which is why techno isn't cracking very many jokes in stars, but he still has his moments of levity which i think are really important to him as a character.

can you tell I have a Thing for names and the roles they can play with vulnerability and trust. I just love exploring that concept man idk why

phil being proud of wilbur using his Voice on him was one of the earliest planned things about stars I had. sooooo satisfying to write oh my god

tysm for all the kind words though I'm so glad you enjoyed your reread!! have fun with your own sandduo :)

Just a small post (lol) to explain my love for JSHK because I’m obsessed with this manga since 3 years and I have to ramble about this wherever and whenever I can.

Also I’m French so my English is probably bad but at this point I don’t care about it.

Back then in March 2020 I wanted to watch a short shojo-like anime. I was depressed af, made attempts and felt unloved, unlikable, and unable to like anything since I had watched some animes and I always ended up disappointed for some reason.

I felt unworthy of love so I just needed to have a good time by watching two idiots in love (that’s what I thought about shojos and it’s a part of the truth). The op of JSHK just popped in my YouTube recommendations, I didn’t understand anything but I saw it was classified as romance, supernatural, school-life comedy with only 8 episodes (I discovered it before the end of the season) and I thought "great, I’ll have a good time not to think about my messy life, I’ll forget quickly about this — it happened the day before an exam so I had to be focused on the exam *cough* — and everything will be fine !"

Oh God.

When I watched 5 episodes many thoughts came to my mind like… I thought at first I’ll get to hate Nene and Kou because of how annoying they were, and I stopped trusting Hanako when he said not everyone could summon him THIS SENTENCE WAS A HUGE REDFLAG FOR ME! Also I recognized myself a lot in him and it didn’t make me feel very good, but I enjoyed it anyways, I was genuinely surprised to like this cutie show!

But I also felt something was wrong. Like. It can’t be THAT cute. I had a bad feeling, I couldn’t identify it I just felt scared for the main cast for some reason.

Then we got a bit of Amane’s backstory and it crashed my soul. I thought "oh ok it will be THAT angsty sometimes but… it won’t be often right?" I was soooo shocked I shut down for almost an hour after the episode.

Then there’s Mitsuba and Kou and THAT moment made me cry. I was afraid Mitsuba’s case would be solved by some power of friendship mess and I did NOT wanted that in this cute-but-angsty series. I absolutely despise power of friendship almost everytime I see it in a manga.

Tsukasa broke my heart in a million of pieces, I felt betrayed because I just wanted to have a good moment with cute characters and HERE I AM CRYING FOR THE DEATH OF AN ALREADY DEAD PERSON EVEN THOUGH I CANT REMEMBER THE LAST TIME I CRIED BECAUSE OF AN ANIME OH MY GOOD THIS IS SOO GOOD.

I wanted to know the end of the story because I thought it would be a short one. I live in France and the manga wasn’t published yet, there were no scans so I looked for the English scans, there were 65 of them at this moment.

I’ve read everything in a single night. Before my exam. I didn’t sleep well though.

This was such a new feeling for me. To finally discover a story that matched my tastes so much, that made me go through so much emotions I can’t even describe. I fell in love with JSHK and I was so happy. Because I saw some foreshadowings that worried me (Nene’s charadesign especially) and the manga told me HELL YEAH YOU HAVE EVERY REASON TO BE WORRIED ABOUT THEM AND ILL GIVE YOU MUCH MORE REASONS TO WORRY FOR THEM.

Picture Perfect Arc especially was a masterpiece to me at this point (it was 3: AM I felt still tired). I loved every moment, every character development… I thought "will the next chapters be as good as those? I don’t know how".

Then chapter 71 crashed my heart again. I cried again, for almost an hour which never happened in my life before.

Still the manga gives me everything that I need. I wanted so badly to see a character development such as Nene’s and Kou’s, to read such a wonderful story that will gives me the inspiration to theorize on it, to admire an art style so unique and distinct from everything else… but the more I read it the more I realized I needed to go on therapy because i recognized myself a lot only in ghosts. Even now I still kin Hanako, Mitsuba and Shijima (less than it was lol). Also I discovered the feeling of kinning a character, it never happened to me before I read JSHK.

The more I think about it, the more I fall in love with it, the more I’m worried because the manga matches my tastes so much and I’m a sadistic person especially with fictional persons so I’m awfully scared, but UGHHHHH THIS IS SUCH A GREAT FEELING!

Anyways, I’m just some random young adult rambling about the manga that made me realize I have great tastes, that’s why I’m a picky eater. Thank you AidaIro for making me laugh and cry a lot.

RID 🫶🫶 HOW ARE YOU???

i hope you are having an AMAZING DAY! ❤️ the weather here is so good, im so happy :)

okay SUPER long tea alert; my friends recently peer pressured (not rlly) me into downloading tinder 🤭 ive always been pretty against tinder bc i wanna meet my soulmate irl and ppl on tinder tend to be pretty thirsty (not all, but most) 🤷‍♀️

but anyways, I FEEL CONFLICTED!! this one (who is so incredibly hot may i add 🤭) started texting me and oh god, hes so smooth. he teases a little and we haven't been texting long but he asked me out on a date for next friday! BUT THEN!!! this other guy, who is def more sweeter, also asked to get coffee with me this week. i said yes to both but idk I FEEL GUILTY! 🧍‍♀️ im a loyal girl and i keep having to remind myself that im single and dating like this okay... but idk it just feels strange? im sure im overthinking it, but god im nervous!!

also ive never been on an official date before (which makes this more nerve wracking😔) ive been on like "dates" but nothing where the guy intentionally says that he wants to take me out on a date 🧍‍♀️the last time i was about to go on a date, the man pretty much cancelled and never rescheduled, so i feel nervous even being excited about it bc what if they cancel?? (im def overthinking, i genuinely cant help it 💀)

but anyways, thats my current dilemma, any advice would help!!! i hope you are well and PLEASE take ur time w cmi!!! 🙏 i saw a couple of asks of ppl asking u to rush or work on two chapters at once... please dont listen! thats where burnout comes from! take your time (i will literally wait 10 years for another chapter) 🫡

- wife from war anon 💂‍♀️

BABE HELLO !!!! <3 i'm okay, just weirdly tired !! kinda glad uni is starting soon but also sad bc i won't be able to be here as much anymore 😔 but yes, the weather has gotten better here, too !! i saw the sun today 🥺

girl, the tea you just spilled has me dead 😭 okay listen, most important thing first: i was on tinder for over a year and the people on there are insane – some would fake their age, others would use someone else's pictures. i could dive into my strange ass tinder experience but 💀 next time lmaoo. but what i wanna say is – make sure those guys are who they say they are! and meet in a very public place, just in case... let someone know that you're on that date, just to be sure, okay??

BUT MOVING ON. LISTEN. two guys that you're vibing with? that's amazing 😭 it's absolutely okay to meet both, that's literally what tinder is for! if it makes you feel better, you could let the guys know that you've been meeting others, too, as friends/casually? but since you're not with any of them, it's fine to get to know people. you might even end up with new friends :D i honestly do hope though, that they don't cancel, reschedule or hurt you, or i'll start rolling up my sleeves lol

keep things casual for now! if any of them does end up cancelling, remember you're better than this 😌 and you might even find up someone better later! that's okay, dating apps are like that :') but seriously, don't feel guilty, go with the flow and have fun... and definitely lmk how things played out >:)

yesss, i'll take my time for sure! i just outlined that jk chapter, but i only work on it when i feel like it. i started rereading the series today to have a better overview of it, and got to our beloved chapter lights hehehe but yeah. definitely working at my own pace. thank you, babe. it'll be a ride <333

Collei. Dear. My little leaf. Im so sorry about everything. I genuinely cannot apologize enough for all you were put through. And Im sure there are some versions of you out there who wont give me the time of day, write me off as a terrible father and not hear me out. I can't say its not a fair choice. But.

Just give me a moment.

If I could have changed everything, and kept you alive in doing so, I would have. You were so young. You were our only child to live to 8. Our only child who got to live at all, really. Even though you were incredibly ill. Your mother and I worked so hard to try and find SOMEONE who was willing to treat you. But. Well- You know.

The fatui was our only option. It was a terrible option and we didnt trust it but we were desperate to keep our child, you, alive. It was this, or watch another child die. Stuck between a rock and a hard place as they say. Of course I know now they had alternative motives for why they were willing to treat you. It wasnt hard to figure it out not long after back then too.

Despite all of that your mother and I were dragged into being their soldiers. To "repay them for their generous medical care". When they wouldnt even tell us where you were, or how you were doing.

The work killed your mother, I doubt you would remember because of your age, but she was ill like you. Just not nearly as bad. I suppose thats where you got it from. She was declining for quite some time, it wasnt a surprise that getting the news you died did her in. I tried so hard to convince her they were lying. I convinced myself they were. Im still glad I did. Because I was right. But your mother never did like to believe in uncanny fantasies.

I wish I could have head out right then. I wish I could have told the fatui I was done and walked out the door to go find you immediately. I had a promise to fulfill. Even if it ment we'd meet again with you in a body bag I didnt care. I wanted to see my daughter again. But I couldnt get out. Not for several more years. The fatui are.. surprisingly good at keeping an eye on their soldiers. But I didnt give up trying and it worked eventually. I got out. Just like you did.

It was a long road to finding you. It was never going to be easy. A single old faded picture of you was all I had to help my search. That and a small spark of hope that the regions outside of Sumeru wouldn't have turned you away.

I'm so grateful I made it to mondstadt. And ran into Amber. That outrider sure does know how to do her job. She knew exactly who I was looking for from seeing the picture, didnt even tell her your name. She cared about you a lot. I'm glad you made some life long friends. Though I dont think I'll ever forget her face when Jean pointed out the possible malice in our seperation. Explaining my story to them wasnt something I wanted to do. But I had to if I were going to find you.

I shouldn't have been surprised really, from your perspective it likely did look like abandonment. I wouldn't have doubted for a second if the Fatui told you thats what it was to. But I promise you Collei. I never abandoned you. Your mother and I were lied to, and used for the fatuis goals just like you were (well not exactly like you, but you get my point Im sure).

I wish I couldve taken it back. But. I really cant. Not when I know you wouldn't have made it to 9 if we didn't beg the fatui for help. But Im not sure how much better a decade of seperation is.

But you were alive. You found happiness. And I am so proud of how much you've grown.

And hey at least this go around I can say all of this without breaking down into tears, right? Not that cool of your old man to cry that hard in front of his daughter as soon as he finds her.

~Collei's father. I believe my name was Malyk? 🕯♟ (Source is Genshin Impact)

ON COMING INFODUMP 🚨 i got back into record collecting, i used to do it with my aunt all the time when i was younger and i finally got a new record player, and i'm genuinely so excited! i forgot how much i loved collecting and it's nice doing it on my own

yesterday i went to 3 different thrift/antique stores vinyl hunting, spent almost 4 hours (look sifting through all of the vinyls takes forever) and i'm happy with what i found!

and the 'introducing the beatles one'? i got it for only $5 and it has no warps, barely any scuffs. every single other beatles vinyl was listed for over $20 and that was at the cheapest, i saw one that was $60. it doesn't have a cover (which is okay with me, i don't mind if this one has a cover or not), so i don't think while putting them out they realized it was the beatles because there were tons of open vinyls, they're not going to read through all of them. i found it in the very back and it didn't have a price on it soooo the lady only asked for $5😎 and so i looked up the catalog number, and i could full well just be an idiot and looking at the wrong thing. but turns out it's a pretty rare one some worth up to $400. i'm not selling it, i want it for myself and also they aren't worth much without the cover. but still i cant believe i got that for only $5

tbh never heard of the blue 45 but it was only $2 and it has flowers in the name so i got it solely for that reason. and the genesis one i didn't rlly recognize i can only remember like one maybe two songs from them tbh but was only $3 so eh why not

then today this one thrift store was selling records for ridiculously cheap. i got the alice in wonderland set (which was literally only 97 cents for the ENTIRE set. 4 vinyls in it!!) that book was my favorite growing up and even if i don't ever use it i couldn't pass it up. then i found cabaret, one of my favorite soundtracks and i have in fact been listening on repeat since i got home. i'm used to the film version so the original version is really cool!! then i got the beatles one at walmart, yes i know i just got a beatles one but it's a different album and tbh i rlly just wanted eleanor rigby 😭

so this weekend was very successful!!! yes i only have about 57 cents left in my bank account but it's worth it

now i'm on the hunt for pink floyd. i do not have $50 for each album. but i have wanted the wall and the dark side of the moon for the longest fucking time praying that i can find them they're all i want *inserts meme of spongebob fish banging desperately on the floor*

1st?

Writing this for myself. I think. I don't really know what I'm doing starting this; probably the same reason that I've bought 6 journals from Whitcoulls and not once have I made it past 4 entries. I think I love the idea of having my thoughts in one place so I can reflect back and see what I thought at a specific time. Such a shame my memory stretches back to max last weekend.

Like, my memory now is horrifically bad. I don't even recall what I had for lunch yesterday, let along what I did at work today. My grandma had Alzheimers, so maybe it's started making its way down to me. Finger's crossed it isn't but honestly, I wouldn't be surprised, I feel like my dad's side of the genetics (aka my fucked up hairline) is predominent in my make up. Sad right?

Anyways, I wish I could just reflect back on my life and instantly recall what I felt. I wish I could look back in time and remember what I thought when I was in the closet? Or what I felt when my mum passed away? Or when I was in love with my best friend's American flatmate? God I wish I had written down my thoughts more often, time is flying by incredibly fucking fast. And it's scary. And it's daunting. And its all the synonyms of "frightening" you can think of.

Here goes my first entry. Digital this time, so maybe I wont be as ceebs when it comes to this in comparison to when I grab a pen and paper and I feel like I'm in an indie little film x

Bur for real, I wanna start this little blog off with how I'm, feeling right now. Right now is Friday the 15th of September 2023. A week prior to my one year anniversary at work. A year and a month since I've moved to Auckland. 2 years since I graduated uni. 2 years since my mum died. 3 years since covid. God, isn't it weird how you think of time through milestones? Like why can't everyday just be a milestone. I guess its self explanatory - and I guess I'm only frustrated that I can't remember my life.

I'm already ceebs writing this not gonna lie hahahaha, but I'm gonna push through but maybe I break this down into more bit sized chunks. Next one I'll do a piece on how I push people away, maybe sprinkle a little bit of self pity and self loathing into that one xox

Right now, I feel like I'm going through it - but not in the same way that I've gone through it in the past. I think it's some sort of growth, but I couldn't be certain. I really have no idea what I'm feeling. I wish I could say. I mean a few nights ago, I was ranting to my flatmate how I'd wanna go back to Christianity, then the following day I was sending Gavin Caselegno messages asking him for dick pics? Like I cant seem to make my mind up. God it must be so exhausting to be around me. I pity myself. I pity anyone around me to be honest. Don't think anyone should be around me. Why? Cause I'm fucking up and down man, every single day. I could be happy one moment and be depressed as fuck the next. It's a constant cycle of being inconsistent. If it's tiring for me, I can't even begin to imagine what it'd be like for anyone in close proximity to me. Or maybe I'm just overthinking this too much. No one actually cares. Genuinely no one. So maybe I just live my life how I wanna live it lol.

I think it's all catching up to me - being indecisive that is. I feel my entire life has been a mask - I don't really know myself and thats why I cant control my emotions. In fact, for a little while i thought everyone was faking their emotions cause i didnt feel any. Probably up until 2021, I genuinely thought that there was something wrong with me cause I never felt any 'real' emotion. Or If i did, I didn't think they were real, or I didn't have the emotional capacity to rationalise them. I mean, don't get me wrong, I feel all the emotions, but empathy is something I dont think I have.

That's another thing too. I'm so fucking selfish its insane hahahaha, Like I feel like I'm only ever concerned about myself. But so be it, am i right? No one's ever been there for me. Friends drift away, relationships drift away, even family, who i thought would be forever.. also drift away.. how fucking sad hey. Mateeeee honestly now that I'm starting to unpack this I feel like this will take way longer than anticipated lol. maybe this can be my little therapy book x

Kinda tired writing - so maybe i give this up and save it for another time. My flatmates are also watching a fucking show and I can't sleep and its grinding my gears damn. Anyways, okay signing off. Gonna check back in soon x

its a journey, not a race. i have to feel this way to move on.

what do i want to gain from telling my sisters about this? or my mum? what could they tell me that would help?

all i truly want to hear is that i should listen to my heart and go back to him. that he really was one of a kind, and that i wont find another like him. but the reality is im still 22, and i havent even met anyone besides him, because i wont let go of him. i dont want to let go of him! i want him back. i want what we had back. i want to feel that kind of love and attraction for someone again. because so far, i havent found a single person who can aggravate and excite me all at once the way he did. that could make me genuinely LAUGH the way he did. that made me feel safe and cared for like he did. ugh. is it true that i felt this way? am i making it all up to feed into my delusions? its so tiring being this way. its like the only thing that would make it end is to simply do it. to actually unblock him, add him, send him a dm, and get to the bottom of it myself. to put my pride aside, and risk rejection, all to hear from him again. to relight that connection. to somehow get the answers that i seek. what answers? that he still wants me? but do i still want him? who even is he, now...? is that what it is? the lack of knowing? i want him to still belong to me, even when i dont want to be together. i have the audacity to think he owes that loyalty to me years after i left him.

i want to know if he still has any kind of feelings for me. do you still think about me as often as i do? does it make you sad? does it make you miss me? does it make you nostalgic, or do you want it back? do you wish things went differently...? do you wonder, maybe, things could be different now, if we tried again?

i wish we could get to know eachother all over again without it feeling wrong. i wish we could start again without feeling like its a mistake. i wish that i was right in thinking you were the one for me all along.

i used to think we'd be together forever. that we'd have kids together.

did you secretly expect us to break up too? or did you want us to be together forever? because somehow i wanted both at once.

well. anyway, the point of all this is this. i still cant get you off my mind. so, you did win. if there was anyone who won, it was always you. you got me, you got the experience of a girlfriend, you had the character development of dating a girl like me. we learnt from eachother but you get to take that knowledge and now find a new girl to charm and love better than you ever did for me. and after all my fighting and anger and resentment, now i cant go a day without remembering you and the amazing love we shared and the memories we have together. ugh. ew. im so sappy and pathetic.

i dont know if it would be satisfying or heartbreaking to know that you still think about me to, or miss me. it would be even more heartbreaking to know you didn't.

i know youre happy now and that makes me happy and proud of you. you honestly might be doing a lot better than me mentally now. thats so impressive. you have a good circle of friends, youre living your best life and having fun and you moved forward instead of backward. that change is so heartwarming for me.

it irritates me that youre a tradie now. did you do that on purpose, cause i find them so hot? do you know how bad that makes me crave you? my body hasnt forgotten the things you did to me... lol. thats fucked up and lowkey weird. we broke up a long time ago and we were still very young.

i wonder how much better youd be now. i wonder how many girls youve slept with now? i hope they were good. my body count went up but for no good reason. they were all terrible and never made me cum. what a waste of my body. another massive regret.

anyway. i wonder how you'd react if you actually knew i felt this way about you. if you read everything i just wrote... would you feel bad for me? or would it spark something in you, a memory, and hope, that maybe its worth trying again. or has too much time passed, and too much has happened between us, that it simply wouldnt make sense anymore?

ive tried and tried to reconnect with old friends from the past. even the ones who i left on good terms with, we just cant seem to click anymore. we changed and outgrew eachother. and they remind me too much of the past, and the pain of grieving that time and that old me is too much, and it makes it too hard to see her anymore.

maybe weve changed so much, and the trust has faded so far, that even if we were to reconnect, wed inevitably lose eachother again anyway. would that hurt more? perhaps its best to leave the memory untouched where it is, and not meddle with what we had, by replacing it with newly failed attempts of rekindling things.

ugh.

i always come back to the same conclusion. and thats good! its consistent, and its healthy, and its right, and it helps me to stay on gods path. but its so exhausting going round in this circle so much. when can i be given a break? when can this addiction end? who is holding onto who at this point? is it venus retrograde? this whole time ive been blaming my emotions on venus. but every now and then i wonder if its him manifesting himself into my mind by thinking about me to.

EXCUSE ME! IF YOU ARE HEARING ME RIGHT NOW, WOULD YOU PLEASE GIVE ME A BREAK? I DONT WANT TO IMAGINE YOU ALL HOT AND SWEATY IN YOUR WORK UNIFORM AFTER A DAYS WORK. I DONT LIKE IMAGINING YOU LAUGHING AND MESSING AROUND WITH YOUR FRIENDS. I DONT ENJOY MISSING A PERSON WHO DOESNT EXIST. SO PLEASE STOP THINKING ABOUT ME AND MANIFESTING IN MY MIND! ITS EXHAUSTING. I NEED A BREAK TO FIND SOMETHING REAL AND TANGIBLE, THANKS.

i am so fucking delusional and need professional help. thats all

DRUNK HELLA DONT ANSWER THIS ASK I DONT TRUST YOU

Sober hella, in your opinion, what is the best time/way to kill off a character? Basically like how to not pull a banana fish and just kill characters for the sake of a dramatic ending lmfao

omg hi i also saw this when i was drunk and immediately forgot id seen it but now i vividly remember being like 'hehe im gonna answer it just bc you told me not to' and then some smart part of me was like 'hella NO' and i put my phone down. anyway here goes:

so i think i have a very biased opinion bc my viewpoint on this subject as a reader is very 'please dont kill characters that i like please god no' and it tends to reflect in my writing, but having said that, as a writer i do understand that not only is it necessary but sometimes it just DOES spice things up? and that's okay! it's literally totally okay if you look at a character and go 'i am literally only killing you because it makes things interesting'. you dont need some in depth bullshit reason behind everything you do. like me and @rotisserie5107 were saying the other day, sometimes sexiness is the only justification you need with writing. and no that's not a sexual thing i just mean genuinely making choices that are fun/aesthetically pleasing/etc. there's a real narrative with fiction atm that EVERY choice a writer makes has to have a genius explanation behind it and if a scene/dialogue/character doesn't further the plot then you need to axe them from the story, but i personally think it's bollocks.

what im trying to get at is that things like this are less 'when to kill a character' and more 'when to think twice', which thankfully narrows things down quite a lot. whatever you're thinking rn for the poor sod in question, id honestly say trust your gut. you are a writer and this is a person you have plucked from your brain. you are the only person who can be trusted with them. the ONLY time you should think twice is when it starts getting a little too... real. if their death symbolises something in a bad way, if they're the only minority character, or even something like if you just have a LOT of character death. i watched game of thrones in its entirety and for the hundreds of characters that died i cant think of a single one i actually felt upset about, bc it just got so ingrained into me that that's just What This Show Did and if readers know there's a lot of character death, they get very very apathetic to it.

so anyway sticking with the example of banana fish bc i think i may have mentioned once or twice how i feel about that show <3 (bf spoilers ahead):

ash was a victim of extreme sexual trauma starting in childhood. he was exploited by your typical rich white men. he was a child. his narrative was angled in a way that made him seem like he was going to get a happy ending just for it to be cruelly snatched away in the last 10 mins for the sake of shock alone. these are all factors that make his death grotesque. now this is all personal opinion bc there's a LOT of debate in the fandom about this, but ive made it very clear that i genuinely dont think there's any justification behind killing him off. 'it was foreshadowed' 'death was an escape' etc are all really fickle defences to me, because at the end of the day, what the author wound up saying is that people who can see their own traumas in ash are incapable of healing and shouldnt even bother, and that suicide (bc we all know he could have called an ambulance) is not only a good choice but quite possibly their only choice.

HOWEVER, as much as i hate it, if yoshida was so hellbent on killing ash off, there are ways i think she could have done it better. the shock element, for example. i dont think it's an inherently bad writing tool - hell ive done it myself a couple times - but killing the MAIN CHARACTER of the show in the last 10 minutes made it seem really thrown together regardless of foreshadowing and just gratuitously cruel to ash. he did not get the time he deserved and the viewer is kind of just left sitting there. i know i personally didn't actually cry or anything when banana fish ended bc i was still so stunned by what the fuck i just witnessed. i think if he'd died the episode before or at the beginning of the episode and we got to see things pan out from there and just have it SETTLE a bit, it wouldnt be so disrespectful to ash. also, less to do with writing which is why i stressed earlier that the 'donts' are actually significantly fewer than the 'just go mentals': yoshida had a habit of saying really dodgy shit in interviews that made it clear that the defence many viewers used in favour of ash's death - that it made narrative sense and allowed him freedom he 'only could have achieved in death' yadda yadda; they try make out it's super artistic idc - is actually bullshit, bc yoshida has ADMITTED that she thinks ash is a bad person and that's why she killed him, bc he has also killed people and therefore DESERVES TO DIE. so this is more of a check your own mindset before you kill a character. if they're a villain then go for it, but if you're enforcing some personal vendetta on a victim that has some real honest trauma then just be careful. that comment is super harmful, bc her 'this criminal deserves to die' blanket statement translates to 'this seventeen year old who has suffered the most horrific abuse and has been forced to do terrible things to survive to the point he doesnt know anything else deserves the exact same fate as the old men who knew EXACTLY what they were doing when they abused him'. like. come on

basically, there's actually very few ways to kill a character BADLY. youve got to consider that the reader wont like it no matter what you do (again, unless it's a villain), and if they do then you're doing something wrong bc you WANT them to love this character, to grieve them, to be angry for them. but it's killing them in a way that is DISRESPECTFUL to that character that things go wrong, and what is disrespectful to certain characters isnt disrespectful to others. ash showed nothing but grit and a need to survive for 24 whole episodes. when he was stabbed, he was RUNNING TO EIJI IN ORDER TO GIVE LIFE ANOTHER CHANCE. he was healing, he was hopeful, and we're supposed to accept that he let himself succumb to the same fate as his abusers, and not only that, but that he 'deserved' it. it's disgusting and really detrimental to a lot of victims of sexual trauma that ive seen discussing this in the fandom, because it is INCREDIBLY disrespectful to their trauma and their healing. if you took a different character though and killed them in the exact same way, it could work, because like i said, disrespect is subjective.

i hope that makes sense?

so yeah, banana fish is very much an outlier i think. try not to stress about it, im sure you'll pull it off and ruin EVERYONE'S day by pulling off a beautifully tragic character death x

1.1k mutual appreciation post <3

Based of an anon ask i got about doing one of these and since i’ve just hit a milestone, this could be my celebration lol.

I’ve decided to do every. single. one. of my mutuals, even the ones i have never really interacted with personally, because i love you all, in some i didn’t know exactly what to say but i tried! Hopefully you guys can enjoy haha <3

This’ll be in alphabetical order under the cut !!! also none of these are proofread so forgive my grammar

if i missed you, i didn’t mean to at all!! i based off what my tumblr told me and i hope i didn’t miss any of you, but if i did please tell me so i can write you a paragraph <3

-

@acosmis-t - isa! You’ve always been, to me atleast, one of my more known mutuals who writes beautifully. You were incredibly sweet when i’d first dm’d you about proofreading a blurb i wrote for my celebration. I absolutely love your writing and your themes are always amazing, you’re a very very genuinely nice and sweet person and deserve all the good <3

@amourtentiaa - liaanneeee, you were one of my first mutuals, you were on my taglist and i remember looking at your page and absolutely loving it. i love your feed, your super cool way of editing the headers and how creative you are. It was soo refreshing to be able to speak to you about a situation that we both agreed on, you’re very honest and i respect you so much for that. Thank you for being so so cool, ily <3

@blue-writes-things - Blue :) (i don’t believe you’ve ever disclosed your name but if you have i’m so sorry) anyways, i absolutely adore your writing. I love your ‘fell in love with a heartbreaker’ series and i’m very excited for the next part, whenever they’d be released. We’ve never actually interacted but i would love to get to know you better!!

@carpediemboys - I followed you because of your text posts and i absolutely LOVE your user. Definitely my favorite movie but it makes me cry so so hard, thank you for interacting with my posts and reblogging those helpful tips for whenever i decide to move out of my house haha

@cunningambitousdetermined - I followed you when i had a pietro phase that lasted about three days hahah, your writing was amazing and i love how sweet you are whenever your posts or reblogs come up on my dash. You seem like such a sweet person and i’m very happy that we’re mutuals so that i know i’m surrounded by good people such as you :)

@cupids-crystals - LYDIA!! you are absolutely gorgeous. I love those makeup looks that you have done and posted. I 100% remember reading some of your fics and following you to see that you were already following me! i was so surprised because you write amazing, i love your luna theme so so much aswell as i love your writing. Keep being yourself, truly, because you’re amazing inside and out <3

@cupidsriot - JAS! ily, you are so amazing. helping me proofread my fics and also helping me come up with such cool concepts for them when i’m out of ideas. i thank you very much for helping me when everyone else was asleep hahaha, i also adore your writing so sometimes when i ask you to proofread i get nervous that you wont think it’s good </3. But you’re always so incredibly amazing and nice and as i said, ily!!!!!

@emmaev - omgomg!!! I followed you because you always interact with my posts, me, and just in general support me so much. Even before i followed you for those reasons, i always looked forward to any feedback that you had on my writing, ty for being super cool and always supporting me.

@eunoniaa - omg, i’m actually surprised to see that we’re mutuals LMFAO you’re so cool and your writing is impeccable, I enjoy seeing your posts on my dash and how active you are aswell as very funny. I adore your theme, i really do and it’s amazing just as your writing is.

@gxtitobxby - wow okay!! let me tell you, i was and still am completely shocked to see that we are mutuals because your writing is just... i can’t even think of a word because it’s so good. You had said that you got nervous posting angst but truly, you shouldn’t be because your writing is amazing angst or not. I also love the vibe that you give off in your blog with your super cool theme.

@hellounicorn - rheaaaa, i love your writing. Just as i did when i had dm’ed you ab it when you followed me, i am still very honored to be your mutual. I love the concepts that you come up with and the way you execute them is just- unbelievable. You’re amazing <3

@james-potters-animagus - Laina omg, we’ve never personally interacted but i remember you interacting with my celebrations. your writing is so good and as someone in love with james potter, i love the way you write him. it makes me fall in love with him more <3 i hope we get to become closer soon, love your writing !!

@miiamour - Mia, you’re absolutely beautiful and i remember when you’d posted your face reveal and how i immediately went to dm you. I would love to get to know you better because your blog, writing, and overall aura that you bring upon yourself is amazing <3

@pinkteapotwriting - ky, i love your writing and that’s all there is to it. I have probably read your ‘healing’ wolfstar blurb over five times and i cannot say i regret it. You’re amazing at writing and i cannot stress that enough, thank you for being my mutual and also being such a cool person.

@proserpina-magnus - Proserpina, you are so great. You always interact with my work and i can never thank you enough for that. You’re amazing and i’m so happy that we’re mutuals, you’re super cool and i love your writing!

@quindolyn - Quinn! Everyone, including myself, absolutely loves you and it’s not hard at all to see why. You are BEAUTIFUL and you’re just so sweet and such a person which anyone could talk to without feeling awkward or uncomfortable. Thank you for being so sweet when i had first dm’ed you aswell as interacting with my posts, i absolutely love your writing and the way you’re able to make everything look so realistic when one reads it. Ily so much thank you for being amazing <3

@reguluscore - SORIN. you were the first person to ever introduce me into what angst was, with your angst where james left the reader for lily, i remember being heartbroken for the rest of the day😭😭. BUT anyways you are an amazing writer and just- the way you write and express feelings through your fics is actually incredible because it feels so real. I am absolutely honored to have you as my mutual and ilysm

@rockinggirl06 - ri!! I followed you because you are so sweet and you know how to juggle which i will still be waiting for you to teach me!! You’re so encouraging to everyone and i’m so happy whenever i see your posts on my dash and you also might even convert me to fremione

@rowema-ravenclaw - em wow, honestly wow. you are an amazing writer. The way you wrote jegulus so amazing in your latest fic was incredible. I’m truly in awe that we are mutuals, that you like my writing because i absolutely love yours. You deserve so many and many more followers, i hope we can get closer soon<3

@shadesofvelma - velma!!! You were one of the first people to ever dm me about my writing and i’ll never forget that. you’re such a sweet and beautiful woman and ilysm. Thank you for being super sweet with me and also just being so fun and caring to everyone in this community. Your writing is amazing and so are you, so so much love to you. So much love but i will still be mad that you don’t find me intimidating 🙄🙄

@starless-starkov - JASS! you are... the nicest and most amazing mutual ever. Wether it’s by supporting my writing or supporting me when some weird anon had something rude to say, anyone who is your mutual is so lucky to have someone like you in their community, so so much love to you.

@thotbutpurple - el, you are genuinely so funny. I love seeing you and your anons on my dash aswell as your amazing writing which makes everyone, including myself, to come back and reread it. You are also so so so beautiful and you’re themes are amazing. Ily

@tugabooos - VEE!!! i cant, i love your writing and the concepts that you come up with, just like the dark sirius one which i know i still owe you. It was so cool and i promise to write it soon, just for you <3.

@wonderfilworld - mae, i remember you being THE FIRST person on my taglist and before i had known you were a writer i was always excited to see what your feedback towards my writing would be, you are also so beautiful which matches your amazing personality and i’m so so happy i found your blog, so much love to you.

@360iris - omg, i remember the first time we ever spoke was because of atyd. i hope you’ve finished it and i hope that you enjoyed it as much as i did, you are so sweet and i’m so glad that we’re mutuals. Your writing is freaking incredible and i love it aswell as i adore you, ilysm !!

i hope you all enjoyed the bit of appreciation that i gave you <3. i adore you all to bits and i’m honored that you guys have chosen me to be someone that you follow, i hope you all know that if you ever need anything or someone to talk to, i’m always here for you!!

hi hi hi!!! so i just recently hit 800 n i was going to save this for my 1k celebration, but genuinely i am just full of so much love for everyone that i couldn’t hold myself back from doing this so !!!! appreciation post for mutuals!!! n this is absolutely wild to me, bc ive been on tumblr for over 4 years now, n remade this blog at the end of september to both restart and because i was getting super into mcyt n wanted a blog to focus on that, and the fact that ive grown this much since then is absolutely insane to me!!!

im feeling full of love for all of my mutuals (aka people i consider my friends <3) so!!! have written messages for u all :DD i mostly wrote them for people i talk to a lot/look up to, so pls dont feel bad if i didnt write one for u!!!! pls absolutely follow everyone in this list they are all amazing people n deserve ur follow !!!! obs not a complete list bc bad memory but just. they are all so cool :]

also thought i would say this here but im moving blogs lol im @sapienap (wont let me tag bc new </3)

atlas ( @fear-epidemic ) atlas!!!!! oh my god okay so first off??? the fact that our friendship began bc of u thinking my icon was dan howell when it was mr. wilbur soot is sucha  cursed fact n i think that describes us very well <3 u r genuioely (i refuse to fix that mistake) such a nice person n uve just listened to me ramble about the weirdest shit n sat there as i watched anakin skywalker be hot n helped me with characterizations n i cant thnak u enough for that!!! ily <3

azzie ( @thediscsaga ) azzie azzie azzie!!!!!! the fact that we became friends bc u looked at me n just decided to call me ‘bestie’ n now here we r is so MINDBLOWING i love you so much!!!!! u r genuinely one of my bestest friends even tho we dont talk as much n i lov u sm ur always there to support me with whatever i do!!! ur always so supportive n i just. i lov u sm !!!! ur one of my favorite people n make this hell site so much better !!!!!! if im being honest lowkey anytime i lowkey feel panicked i just go to ur blog bc it honestly calms me sm :]

beet ( @homophobicpunz ) beet!!!!! okay okay okay the fact that the first time i saw ur main’s user n instantly was like “ohmy god i love that” n now here we r???? friends??? n i get to call YOU my friend??? amazing oh my god. and the fact that uve dragged me into so much shit that i lov now bc of u??? also amaizng. i just love the fact uve dragged me into So Much stuff (daredevil n all of those shows, punz, n more!!! like lowkey darth maul but only lowkey as i ahvent watched the show hes in yet dsjf) n uve honestly been so supportive of me throughout eveythting n just !!!!!! i cant think of much more to say other than ily :]

cam ( @camdotcom ) cam!!!! oh my god okay i jsut. honestly ur so nice ????? anytime im down u always manage to send an ask whenever im not feeling great n always send me smth funny n it always makes me feel so much better!!! ur genuinely one of the best people i know!!! ur always so great at everything n u genuienly make my tumblr experience so much better !!!! ur always such a great person :] n ily !!! im also ur little brother so <333

clay ( @its5undy ) tubs!!!!! my fellow southerner !!!!! im so so happy ive gotten to knwo u !!!! all bc of our weird ass server!!!! i lov u sm!!!! ur one of the brightest people i know n im so glad to have u be someone who forces me to go to sleep when i feel tired instead of encouraging me to stay up <3 n ur so cool !!!! u may not think it bur ur absolutely one of the coolest mfs on this dumb app <33 ur alos my older brother so u cant say anything bad about me Ever

daniel ( @rvnboo ) dan !!!! my sweet homie !!! oh mygod i do not remember how i met u at ALL bc my memory sis o bad but i am so glad i knwo u !!!! i get so happy every single time i get an ask from u !!! u r such a nice persobn n a great joy !!!! every single time i see u on my dash i go “:DDDD daniel!!!!!” anytime i see u in my notes i just go “!!! dan!!” honestly i associate ranboo with u now!!! i see u n go “! dan!!” n i just lov u sm??? i honestly think of u as my younger sibling n i just lov u sm

dream ( @enderrdream ) bad!!! omg ok honestly i dont remember how we met bc ur Old (/j) but seriously!!! ive been friends with u for So Long (even tho i lost u for some time) n now!!!! we r friends again!!!! n ive claimed u as my older brother !!!! we r the only valid sbi dynamic <33 but truly!!! i think u r one of the people i have known the longest!!! u ahve done so much for em n i can never thank u enough!!! i just lov u sm !!! im so horrible at explainging this but just. i love u sm <333

gogy ( @strawberrygogy ) berry!!! oh my god the fact that i ahvent known u that long buit we r so close??? we have a ship that can rival dreamnotfound n have matching cases we r the only bicthes on this entire site <333 people that send weird asks after me being trans have No Bitches KFDHYGGH but seriously !!! im so fucking glad i got to know u!!! the fact we became friends bc i saw ur account, n foudn out u read the serpent king???? that is WILD to me!!! we r Bestest Friends n i fuckign love that and our 420 mile separation <3333 i lov u !!!!!!

hari ( @netheritedream ) hari hari hari !!!!! heblo heblo!!!! god the fact that we’re in different timezones n never get to talk is so homophobic i cant believe time /j but seriously!!!! i cannot believe we never get to talk we r platonic soulmates n i can barely count the amount of times we have talked the last week </3 and the factt hat u joined n saw ME n thoguht “ah, yes. friend.” n now??? we r platonic soulmates !!!! n uve helped me make so many new friends n have even closer friendships !!! n im just. i love you so much im so glad to have you as my friend <3

jannat ( @technosoot ) maya !! my memory is so bad i cannot remember how we met at all but !!! i am so fucking happy i became friends with u !!! u r genuinely such a bright part of my life !!!! i see u n go “:DDDDDD JANNAT !!!!!!!!!” u r such a great person n i will alwayts be here for u !!!! i love u so much !!!! my brain has stopped workin but i just lov u so much omg !!!!!

may ( @notfoundgeorge ) may !!!!! omg okay honestly i look up to u so mjch!!!!!! ur one of my favorite gifmakers on this entire app!!! genuinely ur such a nice person???? n if im being honest???? i got So Happy when u followed me back !!!! bc im like. ur so cool n i was like “wow SHE followed ME??” n just!!!! i lov u !!!

rain ( @theartofmining ) rain !!!! oh my god okay ur one of the few people that have seen my fucking. chaotic side which id ont truly think many people have seen so im glad u have that honor <3333 but seriously i lov u sm shfhgfhg u were tehre as i. hitpost limit and ask limit in the span of less than a hour n u rlly encouraged me when i freaked ouytndjfghgj u ahve been there for me for So Long and i just !!!! lov u sm

roni ( @youngjustices ) roni !!! ive known u for so long n even tho i truly havent gotten to talk to u much, i lov u so much !!!! uve been so kind to me n have helped me with so much n i just. i love you so much !!!! ur such a great person n deserve everything in the world n even tho u r taking a break from mcytblr, im just !!! ok lov u sm

sakshi ( @prettyboydream ) smiley !!!!! ok first off: i wish u were getting cuddles. okay next i cannot beleieve that we r friends !!!! i ddint spell that right but ANYWAYS u r so mf cooler than me!!!! one of the coolest people on this entire fucking app !!!! i do not know how i became ur friend but im so fucking happy i am friends with u !!! ur so great and i just. i love u sm

sam ( @dogboyurahara ) league !!!! i am. god im so glad i became friends with u !!!! u walways come n say some of the weirdest shit but that is literally. the highlight of my day i just love you SO MUCH uve always been so kind to me and i just !!!!! i lov u so mcuh !!!!! ever since becoming friends with u ive rlly discovered myself n i love that fact kdhjgfghggh ur always so nice n just. i lov u sorry i say that so much

techno ( @karda ) TECHIE!!!!!!! TECHIE OH MY GOD IDK HOW I TRICKED U INTO BEING MY FRIEND BC UR GENUIENLYT!!!!!! SO COOL!!!! UR SO TALENTED!!!!! n now!!!! im friends with u!!!!!!! im ur little brother !!!!! n ur my older brother !!!!!!! n just !!!!!!!!!! i love u so mich !!!!!!! ur always so supportive of any and everything that i do !!!!! u always offer to do thinsg for em n just !!!!!! i lov u so mcuh!!!!! u always make me so happy bc i see u n im like “:DD thats techie !!! thats my brother !!” n i just. lov u sm

theseus ( @clownspartys ) tommy !!!!!!!!! tommy oh my god i ahvent known u that long but???? we r best bros??? we r the coolest mother fuckers???? we jsut!!! clicked !!! n its so easy talking to u!!!! we just go n YELL at each other in discord n i think that is very valid of us!!! u truly are one of my favorite people on here !!! anytime i see u im so happy to see u n im just !!!!!! i lov u sm !!!!

wilbur ( @pigstepmp3 ) fundy !!!! oh my god okay genuienly. i love you. ur so supportive of me n anytijme im always down ur there to call me bubba n pull me right back up !!!! anytime anythign happens ur always there like “u absolute buffoon, i lov u sm” n i just!!!! i lov u !!!! ur my older brother n have helped me so much i just love you so much <3333

n then for some other cool people you all should follow :]

@pvnz / @gogyapologist / @fruitbur / @technoblaed / @dreamsclock / @dreamnap / @wooteena / @timedeo / @dreamsmp / @sootwilbur / @wilbysoot / @nickwilding / @jschlatts / @helenspirals / @darkmttrcat / @dreamwastakenalt / @hearty-an0n / @lesbiangogy / @imgns / @dogboykarljacobs / @berenstein / @tommylnnits / @dreamslikeshoney / @enderanboo / @veel556 / @raining-acid / @stick3rzzz / @moo-moo-meadows / @dreampfp / @eret

mkay. ive woken up, it doesnt seem like theres any new developments, so. post explaining what the hells been going on about the ae/emeraldduo qpr discourse ig woo. this is going to be from my perspective, because i am one person. shocker. anyways,

basic summary: i made a post saying that because c!kristin is canon and philza and techno have boundaries against shipping, i believed that maybe there should be a genuine effort to chill out with putting c!philza and c!technoblade in a qpr or platonic marriage, as c!philza being married to c!kristin is based off the irl marriage and c!philza and c!technos friend dynamic is based off the ccs dynamic even outside of the dream smp (such as, of course, the antarctic empire being a smpearth thing). i also said this because i feel like theres a genuine problem in the fandom with how it treats kristin, not only in fanart (making her skinny and white), but also just. in general, overshadowing her with the idea of emeraldduo being married, shit like that, and it irked me esp bc shes a woc while philza and techno are white men.

people get pissed at me, both to my face and behind my back, and i get insulted, called stupid, arophobic, anti-polyam, told i dont understand friendship and that i dont have friends. i joined a server just to wake up and find myself banned and blocked with no explanation, left to assume that i was talked about behind my back while i was unable to defend myself. out of all the people who disagreed with me, one person. one. person. was nice to me and didnt call me arophobic, actually giving me constructive criticism and a chance to elaborate. one. i finally start to feel better two days after the fact, consulting people outside the fandom to get second opinions and getting happy when people agreed with me and even gave insight to things i didnt consider, and what do i get?

someone rbed to tell me "not to go on twitter" because people were talking about me, and informing me that there was a group chat dedicated to "talking about how wrong [i am]". what the rest of the post said, i dont remember, because the person seems to have me blocked and i fucking panicked after being told theres literally an entire group of people talking about me on twitter- of which, yknow. is known for harassing people and even once had a black girl doxxed?? not to mention that the person who mocked me for supposedly not having friends did so when i said to leave me alone, and ive said publicly for people to leave me alone consistently, and. well, insulting and going after someone, or even talking about them behind their back, when they said to leave them alone is in fact harassment, by definition.

im accused of not listening to philza, with the only clip being given to me of him talking about c!emeraldduo being like "the platonic version of achilles and patroclus", as if platonic = queerplatonic. yesterday was the first time i was given a clip of phil talking about qprs specifically, given to me by someone who didnt evem disagree with me anyways, again showing the people disagreeing with me were barely actually willing to cooperate with me. i have. complicated feelings on the clip (mainly with how its worded as just headcanons and only given the definition of "platonic life partners" which.. hm.), but this post isnt about that.

regardless, i vent to my friends, because i was having a delusional breakdown, and one makes a post saying they didnt want to interact with the fandom after people went after me. they inform me that both people who insulted me before and others reblogged from their post to again assert that im arophobic, claim that no one was talking about me outside of people publicly talking about how "arophobic" i am (which.. is people talking about me), claim that i called people racist and sexist (i didnt?? i dont think anyones racist and sexist, not even for what i brought up concerning the fandoms treatment of kristin, it gives me a bad taste in my mouth, but i would never call anyone racist or sexist for it [outside of the whitewashing but thats a different issue from the qpr discussion]), and then they were sent anon hate, one even asserting that they were arophobic and talking over minority groups and therefore deserved to be in their bad home situation. outside of their post being in the dream smp tag, its hard to believe that people just. normally found their post. unless they were going through the recent posts in the dream smp tag (which i dont feel is the case), it is.. concerning that they found my friend trying to defend me so quickly and immediately decided to continue to talk about me behind my back and even insult them as well.

so.. yknow, not great in asserting that there arent people tracking me somehow, which is incredibly triggering and paranoia inducing.

either way, in the end, if people disagree with me about the situation, i dont care, i cant stop them, but i just want people to stop being fucking pricks about it. i want people to stop being pissy at me and about me, i want people to stop insulting me and telling me and telling people i interact with that im arophobic when im not. i want people to stop pretending to care when they tell me to take a break when theyre the fucking reasons i have to take a break. i want people to stop being condescending to me, to stop talking about me, to stop acting like theyre superior while fucking insulting me.

i just wanted to bring up an issue about the lack of respect kristin gets, and people as always turned it into something about philza and technoblades relationship when that was literally the behavior that i was complaining about. i hate that me wanting to talk about how kristin and her marriage to phil is treated turned into me having several breakdowns in one day because i kept getting worse and worse news about how people were treating me. i hate that i did take breaks, that i actively distracted myself, went outside, took care of my pets, took care of myself, talked to my friends, and yet people just acted condescending and went all "if you cant handle criticism then leave :/".

what the fuck is wrong with you people? why is it that this fandom actively defaults to harassment and using ccs against fans when an issue arises? and i fucking hate that this is my first goddamn actual interaction with aeduo fans. im genuinely terrified of aeduo fans now if this is how they react to problems. fuck everyone who talked about me behind my back, fuck everyone who acted condescending towards me, fuck everyone who called me arophobic or anti-polyam or whatever the hell they had up their sleeves, fuck every single grown ass adult who saw a teenager have a fucking breakdown over the shit they did and said and decided to continue. fuck everyone who didnt even bother to have a goddamn level conversation with me before insulting me and attempting to tell others that im arophobic and other shit like that.

this shit happened because of two paragraphs. i said two goddamn paragraphs about a personal issue with the fandom i had and now ive genuinely been pushed almost to the point of relapsing. i dont give a shit if people think i have a victim complex, i just want people to leave. me. alone. its the fucking least you could do. oh, and go fuck yourself. if you genuinely thought id be apologizing after that shit, fuck you. i shouldnt have to be the better person with this shit, i shouldnt be pushed to choking on my own fucking tears because people wont let it fucking be. im not goddamn apologizing after three days of getting insulted and harassed and talked about behind my back for a fucking shipping issue. piss off.

tw ;; rp abuse

reivcn

@alaskaslayer 

 @kennedybtvs 

 @tylerlockwoof 

 @sunnydalescoobies

i wasn’t going to do this. but i’m doing this. the next time you tell someone i was in love with you and talk shit about me or my muses in any fandom...check yourself. because i still have EVERY SINGLE MESSAGE, EVERY CHAT, EVERY GODDAMN THING BACKED UP AND DOZENS UPON DOZENS OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE LEARNED STRAIGHT FROM YOU HOW TOXIC AND ABUSIVE YOU ARE...ALL ON THEIR OWN WITHOUT THE HELP FROM ME I ASSURE YOU. YOU ARE INTERACTING WITH PEOPLE YOU TALKED SHIT ABOUT, I have all of that documented too, and you are interacting with them under a different alias. the number of messages i have received unprompted from people coming to me about the LIES YOU SPEW OUT, IS A MORE ABSURD NUMBER THAN YOU ARE A PERSON. 

YOU are the reason you have NOTHING but your delusions, and NOTHING is keeping me from putting every single message i have on a google document because you are literally a predator to this community. i wasn’t going to do this, i really wasn’t. because the fact of the matter is...for someone who’s so ‘in love with you right’....you mean nothing to me. you DID THAT. not only did you abuse and gaslight me for YEARS, you abused my muse, you slut shamed her for having other verses, you called her a cheater for seeing other people, you threw in my face and her face nearly every goddamn time that luna interacted with anyone else ...that I QUOTE “RAVEN DOESN’T NEED OTHER VERSES JUST LUNA, WHY DOES LUNA NEED MORE THAN RAVEN, WHY IS RAVEN NOT ENOUGH, LUNA IS ENOUGH FOR RAVEN. WHERE IS RAVEN IN THIS REPLY? TELL THE OTHER MUSE RAVEN IS THERE SO THAT THEY KNOW LUNA IS TAKEN.” 

like NO. how many times i said...get raven out there, let her explore, let her meet other people? it’s GOOD FOR HER? IT’S GREAT FOR MUSES? and you flipped at ME with that same gaslighting again. RAVEN ONLY WANTS LUNA. IT’S LUNA WHO CLEARLY NEEDS MORE. like honestly. the emotional abuse that you put me through and my muse through, to the point where i almost quit writing her? to the point where luna couldn’t even look at your raven without seeing YOUR NASTY BEHAVIOR BEHIND HER VOICE. and you would say...i cant interact with others bc no one in this fandom likes my raven, they all blocked me. BECAUSE OF YOU. BECAUSE OF YOUR SHIT, AND DON’T WORRY, I HAVE YOUR MESSAGES SAYING THAT IT WAS YOUR FAULT AS A MEANS TO MAKE ME GO ‘awe poor you, you’re just misunderstood. they just know you like i do’. but the truth is? THEY DON’T KNOW YOU THE WAY I DO AND THE WAY EVERY PERSON WHO BLOCKED YOU DOES. POOR ANYONE WHO COMES INTO CONTACT WITH YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE A PREDATOR AND A LEECH IN THE RPC.

I DO NOT BELIEVE IN CALL OUT POSTS. BUT I DO BELIEVE IN SAYING MY PIECE WHEN I HAVE BEEN ISOLATED AND SUBJECTED TO YOU FOR YEARS UPON YEARS. and you have the audacity to talk shit about me saying that I WAS THE ONE WHO DID ALL THE ABOVE MENTIONED THINGS TO YOU? yeah that sounds familiar, bc everyone in the world abuses you, you are a victim of everything. literally everything. the number of times i heard you say “not to be racist but...” and then proceeded to spit something racist out of your white mouth.  the number of times you were transphobic, hell...i don’t have to mention that, most people saw that on the dash because you outed yourself with ‘in 2012 people like me could use any fc we wanted with any gender orientation and it was fine so i can still do that!” like..no. i let slide so much that i should NEVER HAVE ALLOWED. I BIT MY TONGUE BC I THOUGHT...maybe she just...needs to be educated on these things, maybe she doesn’t know what she’s saying, maybe it’s just not registering how to be an honest and genuine person. like i get it, people bicker, they have misunderstandings, but at least have the goddamn audacity to be straight forward with it. 

i learned today from a few people...that you accused ME of doing these things instantly upon meeting these people, not even knowing them, and you so readily spilled lies about me. and i figured out why...because you don’t have control of me anymore, you don’t control my muse anymore, because i cut the strings and i cut you out and i kept moving forward, i kept going on, happy...without you. interacting with raven’s who ARE RAVEN, NOT YOU and your narrative behind her face and name. 

the hours i devoted to you, the hours, days, weeks, months, stating over and over again how I WAS YOUR FRIEND AND NOTHING MORE THAN THAT, AND YOU TRIED COUNTLESS TIMES TO BAIT ME. let’s see if you remember this. 

“i told my friends you’re my girlfriend i hope that’s okay.” 

and me...going, i mean we’re friends, i am not in the country, but assuming it was an issue with your self-esteem i said...i guess that’s fine but we’re friends, we probably hang out as much as gfs do but we ARE NOT. and then you turned around with...now you’re giving me mixed signals are we girlfriends? LIKE YOU LIED TO YOUR FRIENDS, YOU STRAIGHT UP KNOW WE WEREN’T , hence the ‘i told my friends you’re my girlfriends’ like you KNEW WE WEREN’T, SO YOU ALREADY KNEW THE GODDAMN ANSWER WAS NO, BUT YOUR DELUSIONS LITERALLY DONT GET IT AND SO YOU ATTEMPT TO BAIT. i’m sorry that after 4+ years sitting on skype every day i can not imagine being with someone i watched eat more out of their nose than of actual food. that was just the tip of the iceberg because then we’re going right back into all of the toxic nightmare you put me through, all the shaming you put luna through., and that carried into threads most of the time, luna having to look at raven and feel like a cheater. like you know what, like i said i wasn’t going to do this, but having just met some amazing rpers i am so blessed to be able to write with and hearing the kind of lies you spilled about me and this whole situation.

i’m going to go to the time when luna was single verse, single shipped with your raven, and when she would interact with FRIENDS, she was slapped for it, i was slapped for it. the time when you tried to pimp raven out in the IMs of one of our mutuals and then that mutual came to me and went...look, im not comfortable, my muse isn’t interested, i’m trying to respect the fact that you guys are single shipped but basically rowan is trying to get my muse to have sex with her. and i went...news to me, i thought we were single shipped, but from this day on...it’s best that we are not. because you know what, considering how many times luna had already been shamed for having friends at that point, to find out that you were ACTUALLY DOING what you were shaming luna for doing, when luna wasn’t doing it? pissed me off and completely broke my rp partner trust in you. and you were only pissed because you got caught, bc someone else was a genuine and respectful person enough to tell me about it. after all the shaming you threw at luna and it was YOU breaking the single ship status. NOT ME. and from that day forth i guess you know what they say...faithlessness breeds a guilty conscience.

i DO NOT HAVE TO PROTECT YOU. YOU DO NOT DESERVE PROTECTION FROM ME. A PREDATOR DOES NOT GET TO SIT BY AND SAY...I’M BEING BULLIED. and i know that’s what you’re going to say, i know because you’re a victim of everything and you depend on my silence and me protecting you bc i cared about the muses. BUT I DO NOT HAVE TO PROTECT YOU. YOU DO NOT DESERVE MY SILENCE. I WILL NOT BE SILENT TO PROTECT YOU. I WILL PROTECT MYSELF AND MY FRIENDS AND EVERYONE WHO HAS EVER BEEN SUBJECTED TO YOU, EVERYONE WHO WILL EVER HAVE THE MISFORTUNE OF BEING SUBJECTED TO YOU, AND WHILE I DO THAT, I WILL BE MAKING THAT GOOGLE DOC.  

SO...ROWAN, HIDING UNDER THE ALIAS OF CASS, [ an alias that she used in the past to make it seem like she had backup during an episode of her toxic behavior. yes. she created the alias and a clarke blog and conversed back and forth with herself on the dash so that it looked like she had someone backing her up when she was being passive aggressive on the dash ] she will likely find a dozen other alias to go by. i haven’t had to change mine, i haven’t had to hide, or move blogs, or switch anything just to get people to NOT KNOW WHO I AM, to trick people into interacting with me so that they think i’m someone else. she relied on my silence, she depended on me caring about the ship too much to speak up and defend myself or others, but i am done being silent. 

hello! um

i just wanted to pass around to say that i cant stop thinking about your mitsuya fic (yea the one that fucked us all up)

it has literally lingered in my mind since i finished it, sounds really weird but it just got like... plastered in me. i dont know how to explain it. cause when im doing my everyday shit, it suddenly overcomes me, this random ass sad feeling that started since the moment i read it. and its just so weird.

even the song that you attached, that accompanied me while i was reading, has stayed with me ever since. and the freakiest thing is that i actually dont understand a single word from it because i dont speak that language at all, but i still felt it in the deepest part of my being. everything felt real, raw. the pain crossed my phone screen and went direct to my fucking heart but it was just..so..beautiful..

the draken appereance and dialogue caused irreparable damage (the entire thing did but i needed to remark this) and i wanted to point this out honestly cause damn, the writing was immaculate. there were TEARS and im not even an draken x emma shipper cause im a selfish mf

quitting the crap, im being honest when i ask you to embrace the talent you have with words and dont ever let it go, cause it will take you places, its gift, for real.

so thank you so much for sharing it with us and also, thank you for all the feelings you awakened with your writing. excitement, despair, shyness, pure love but also pure sadness, they were all overwhelming; but that was the best part of the fic, cause all those emotions make us humans, we feel, and thats fine. right suki? you fucking nailed this.

i will never forget this story and it will take some time for me to get over it (cause for now im pretty much fucked), but i will be around reading more of your stuff cause its incredible.

good luck! take care and have a nice one, much love to you <3

*sends virtual hugs*

okay uhm, i received this the other day when i was crying a lot bcos i had a bad day and anon i was just like. speechless. left to ponder for a moment because wow like genuinely i am taken aback with your kind words. i think you dk how much this message means to me but yeah it really does mean a lot, i remember reading this for the first time and crying harder bcos i was like,,,ah life is not that bad yknow? there are good people out there who take their time sending me sweet messages and idk im sorry im just so emotional rn thank you very much 😭

is it weird that i am actually quite warmed by the thought people have lingering feelings and still think about my stories even after reading it? bcos as an avid reader, i feel that a lot. i read a piece and it hits me hard that i just carry it with me and for me, i think its a very beautiful thing that we somehow leave little pieces of ourselves to others and just...i just find it very nice and heartwarming. so yeah this ask really got me bawling BAKSKWKW. that mitsuya angst meant a lot to me 😭 oftentimes its up to my dedication to finish a fic, but that mitsuya fic was one of those fics that i wrote bcos the idea just sat heavily to me and the words were flowing, the emotions were felt and i was like. lost in that zone. so yeah i perfectly pictured them and i was extremely passionate about that certain story so knowing that people connected to something i poured my heart on - and that you really took the time to let me know your thoughts - it reallt does make me happy and just so ?? IDK THE WORD IM AWKWARD UH WHAT ARE WORDS BUT BASICALLY it just,,,hits me deep in the heart, in a very good way !! and i could be wrong but the song i attached was talking about how two people wished that when they confess, they would be received or met halfway. ofc there’s also this HUGE fear of confessing your feelings which i am an expert of bcos i like to keep things to myself 😎 but yeah idk the fic just hits diff to me.

“everything felt real, raw.” ANOM I CANT EVEN LITERALLY EVERYTHING YOU SAID I JUST WANNA REPEAT IT OVER N OVER AGAIN IM SO GRATEFUL AAAHH PLSSS TAKE MY HEART RN 😭😭😭 and omg yes the draken appearance, i feel like he just HAD to show up again bcos someone needed to bear witness of someone’s love at least yknow ?? i feel like...silent lovers are underrated. and i just really wanted draken to carry on the precious memories of mitsuya and y/n’s gifts and feelings shown and accepted in its own way. ALSO YEAH I AGREE lmfao in fanfics i am totally draken x y/n all the way i am so sorry 😭 but when we’re talking about canon, draken x emma just hits diff lemme cry again 😭

ANON UHM TBH you literally left me speechless im kinda just sat here bumbling and fumbling and i really wish i could thank you more properly bcos uhm this message cracked my heart from the overwhelming emotions but then patched it up again and yes i love you thank you sm 😭😭😭 wish you could just read my mind so you’d know how happy i am to hear this but lemme say this again anon THANK YOU VERY MUCH 😭💕 have an even nicer day and i send all my love to you anon !!

Unreachable | Na Jaemin

PAIRINGS: Idol!Jaemin x Bestfriend!Reader

GENRE: fluff, slight angst, childhood to the successful life story of Jaemin

WORD COUNT: 1.8k

A/N: mentions the 00 line; slightly suggestive ughhh,,, smut ig??? But its not really smut kljdlkash i cant do that.  thank you @mjlkau​ for proofreading. Anyway hope yall enjoy.

After hours of contemplating if I should go to Jaemin’s Party in celebration for his drama debut. I am now inside my car driving on the way to his condo. Jaemin has been my friend as for long as I can remember, we basically grew up together. We have been neighbors since childhood. Thus we share a lot of things together; we went to the same school, grade school onwards, and to this day, we still keep in touch. We make sure to meet at least once a month. I can proudly say that even after his debut, our friendship never changed. We would still catch up from time to time, send random memes, call each other and such.

I was contemplating on going to his party, simply because I didn’t think I’d fit in his world. I’m just a normal person after all, a nobody. I’m pretty sure his ‘small’ party won’t be that small with all the big celebrities attending it. I knew his fellow band members, several actresses and actors who would be working with him would probably be there too. See I, a mere citizen, just don’t simply fit in. But of course, how could I say no to my best friend? He was being really persistent, begging me to be there. In his exact words he says, “Please y/n go I want my best friend to see and meet my new friends! Besides, they want to meet you too.” I just couldn’t say no.

He told me his new drama will be a romantic one, as he will be partnered with a fellow actress of his. I don’t know why but when he told me that, there were tingling feelings inside my stomach. No, actually- let’s be real. I was probably jealous. I knew for a fact that I have been denying my feelings for Jaemin. I think it all started when we were in high school, but they were just part of adolescence, I guess? In high school he started to bloom into a newer and matured man, handsome as ever, no longer the same childhood neighbor I grew to know. The way he helps other people and takes care of the littlest things is maybe the thing that attracted me the most.  I didn’t want to ruin the comfortable friendship we already have, so as much as possible I keep on brushing away the thought that I am attracted to him. Most especially at this time, he is way out of my league.  I do not know why out of all people he, Na Jaemin, a successful idol, soon to be an actor, my best friend, is the one my heart chose to fall for. I know for a fact that he won’t be available to catch me if I fall for him, well actually I already did. Who am I for him to choose right? I meant he can be with the most beautiful actresses and idol stars out there why would he choose me right. In order to not hurt myself more as much as possible, I ignore and brush off the fact that I like him.

Finally, I arrived at his condo. That was the longest thirty minutes ride I have ever driven. 13th-floor room 1308, alright I am in front of the door and the loud music can be already heard. I ring the doorbell, as it opens it revealed Jaemin, arms open, happy to see you. “Y/n!!!!! You came! Are those tiramisu??? My fave thank you Y/N! Come inside I’ll introduce you to my members. GUYS Y/N is here!!!” Jaemin welcomed me with a hug and grabbed my gift for him. I replied to him with a smile. I don’t think my nervousness was hidden tho. I don’t know if I’m nervous to meet his colleagues or because I am once again seeing him.

“OH if it is not the famous Y/n.” A guy named Heachan one of his members said. I chuckled at his remark and shook his hand that he offered me. “You know what Y/n Jaemin always tells us about you” Renjun, another one of his members, said as he also welcomes me. “Oh really what does he usually say about me?” I replied “he was telling us how much he l-” Renjun was cut off by Jaemin’s hand. “I was telling them how we were always out playing during our childhood days and how I always defeat you when we play kart rider” Jaemin interrupts Renjun. “From what I remember you always lose when we play” I replied and everyone in the circle laughed.

It was indeed just a small party his members were there, some of his managers, and some of the cast of his upcoming drama. I actually had a good time. His members keep on asking me questions about how Jaemin was during his younger days. I told them stories where Jaemin once cried because of whisker’s away, and that he had a pet chick and rabbit once. It felt good talking and hearing stories from them. His colleagues were simple just like him I didn’t feel the gap we had when I was conversing with them. Jaemin’s partner for his upcoming drama was indeed very pretty, again my thoughts of being with him just suck, even more, I really need to move on. But don’t get me wrong she was really kind and single…

The time had been moving by quickly as the night became darker, the hours becoming more late. Some of his guests already left. I wanted to leave early since i still have duty the next day, but he asked me to stay and help him clean. Now I know why he really wanted me to go. Some of his members are still here tho specifically the ones in his same age, Haechan, Renjun, And Jeno. While Jaemin and Haecha sent off and accompanied some of the guests to the lobby Jeno, Renjun, and I started to clean around the room. “You know what y/n were happy to finally meet you,” Jeno said “yeah Jaemin really treasures you as his friend you know he won’t shut up about you” Renjun added. I chuckled at their remarks “His life was probably boring he didn’t have any stories to tell besides mentioning me hahaha”. “You and Jaemin seem to be really close huh?” Jeno asked and I responded with a nod as a wipe down the counter table. “Jaemin never dated girls during his highschool years right?” Renjun asked maybe out of his curiosity. “He was scared of girls and too lanky to get one back in the days haha” I replied “oh yeah he was really lanky when he started training I remember hahaha, but you know what y/n, you and Jaemin actually look good together,” Jeno said “actually! You both had the chemistry” Renjun added. I just smiled at their remarks not wanting to get my hopes up. Jaemin never really showed interest in me so I guess he just really saw me as his friend.

The doorbell suddenly rang. Renjun went to get the door. “Where is Haechan?” I heard Renjun ask. “He didn’t want to clean up so he will just wait for you guys at the parking,” Jaemin said as he approached the vacuum to help us clean. “That b*tch” Jeno remarked. “I guess you two can finish that we’ll be off now bye Jaemin congrats again on your drama! Also bye Y/N nice meeting you!” Renjun hurriedly said while dragging Jeno out of the door. “Hey hey hey you two promised to help me clean!!” Jaemin said but he was cut off by the door Jeno closed. “It’s okay Jaemin this won’t take long anymore they did a lot anyways” I told him as I continue to pack the food that was left.

After a few minutes, we finally cleaned up everything. Tired and exhausted we both slammed down on the couch and let a heavy sigh. “Y/n.” called me out and I responded with a hum resting my head on the couch facing the ceiling. “Thank you for coming I know you really didn’t want to” he said I turned my head to face him “of course and because of that you owe me” i kiddingly replied.  It was quiet but the atmosphere was relaxing, most of the time me and Jaemin are like this, just enjoying the presence of each other. It wasn’t awkward or anything were used to being like this around each other. “Y/n I need to tell you something” Jaemin suddenly said and sat upright. He always tells me random stuff but there is seriousness in his tone which made me nervous. I faced him and gave him a ‘what’ look as my reply. He took a deep breathe and met my eyes “i like you, y/n… for the longest time i have always liked you. No, actually I think I already love you” I couldn’t believe what I am hearing from jaemin after all these years we actually like each other??? I was speechless at the moment I did not know what to respond, my brain was having a hard time processing the information I just got. “Did i shock you? I am sorry for the sudden confession. I do understand if you dont feel the same way-” I cut him off and asked “are you practicing your lines for your upcoming drama? You sound pretty convincing nice one Jaem!!!” I chuckled and laughed out my nervousness I had to make sure he wasn’t just kidding me. “y/n dumbass I actually like you. I am not practicing some lines with you omygosh you really are my best friend. But kidding aside y/n I truly like you I, I love you y/n” I can see in his eyes that he is really genuine with his words. “No were both dumbasses, I liked you ever since we were in high school Jaem” I noticed his eyes grew when he heard this “I didn’t want to tell you since I didn’t want to break the friendship we had” I added. “Me too! I guess we were both cowards huh? But I couldn’t keep these feelings anymore I had to let them out that’s why I’m telling this to you right now” he says while locking his eyes with mine. He slowly cups my cheeks with his slender hands “I never dared to try and date anyone because I knew that I only wanted you, y/n”. I could say that the tension was rising he closed the gap between us. He wasn’t my first kiss but as if its my first kiss heat grew and butterflies on my stomach became wild. I kissed him back and as if we were dancing our lips were so in sync. I reached for the back of his head and placed my fingers between his hair.

I don’t know how I got to this but today was a rollercoaster. I could not believe the thing that I was most worried about earlier this morning would be my greatest dream. I am happy to say that me and my long time crush are in love with each other.