#if they would admit that they like it mainly bc of presents
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if i could tell her | will smith
pairing : will smith x fem!reader
warnings : the BRIEFEST mention of being drunk underage, cursing, situationships (ick), reader is a theater kid, use of y/n, dear evan hansen, kissing, but just sickening fluffiness mainly <3
summary : will finally plucks up the courage to tell y/n he wants their relationship be more than just casual, and when he tries confessing he unintentionally quotes dear evan hansen
word count : 2.5k
Y/N and Will had been casually ‘going out’ for around a month now, but due to their conflicting schedules, they rarely got time alone together. Whenever either party had ever felt like they had the right moment to attempt at confessing, something always seemed to come up, or in many cases, ruin the moment.
The previous Monday, Will was quite literally seconds away from finally, officially, asking Y/N out. But do you know what happened? Gabe interrupted; the moment was perfect, and his teammate had ruined it.
Will attempted not to seem phased by it and tried to move on, but he still felt a hint of bitterness in his stomach when he thought back to that day.
However, the failed attempts aside, Will was determined that today was the day; in a few hours, Y/N would be his girlfriend and he would be her boyfriend. At least that was the hope.
Everything was planned out; that very night was Y/N’s first performance in front of a sold-out audience as Evan Hansen in BC’s production of DEH. He was so proud of her to be able to land the main role in the musical, nevermind that it was a usually male-dominated part to have.
Will has spent hours with her rehearsing, reading lines back and forth to help her learn them perfectly and not mess up. The girl had already known the entire musical by heart, but conditioning yourself to then only play one role was actually quite difficult, something she found out rather quickly.
While the boy wouldn't admit it, he actually enjoyed the soundtrack and found himself listening to the songs in his day-to-day life, even on the way to training.
On one particular occasion, he’d been walking to the rink on his own before Gabe and Ryan had joined him, and due to the noise canceling on his headphones, he hadn't realized until Ryan had nudged him in the side lightly, he'd jumped and paused his music.
This led to him being asked what he was listening to, and without really thinking, he’d replied, “Oh, just Dear Evan Hansen, you know.” Needless to say, he’d been teased for being a theater kid multiple times since then.
This musical had somewhat become a shared passion between Will and Y/N, and even though the hockey player wasn't directly involved in the production, he still felt as though he had become a part of the family that was the cast and crew. Most of his time was taken up by hockey, but that didn't stop him from popping in and helping wherever he could.
Ironically, the group had always referred to Will as “Y/N’s boyfriend," and every time either of them tried to remind anybody that they weren't official yet, eyes would be rolled and unconvinced looks would be pointedly given. So, maybe it was about time they could make the nickname accurate.
Special. That’s what he wanted this to be: special. It was all planned out to be just that, and with the night that it was going to be, Will thought it was no better timing than the present.
Smiling to himself, he thought about the fact that, if all went to plan, he could be cheering from the audience for his girlfriend, not just whatever he was supposed to call her right now.
Presently, Will stood at the entry to the block of dorms Y/N stayed in. He had asked his teammates to help pick an outfit for him and hoped it would impress the girl he was hoping to sweep off her feet.
He wore his favorite suit, a maroon-red color similar to the colors of Boston College itself, with a matching tie and white shirt. Perhaps it was cliche; the more he thought about it, the worse those concerns made him worry, but he brushed the thoughts out of his mind, watching the doorway with anticipation.
In his hands, he held a sweet bouquet of flowers—pink tulips, to be exact. No, he couldn't confirm they were her favorite flower, but he always associated her with the flowers. The first time he looked on her Instagram, the emoji in her bio stood out to him immediately.
He had accidentally admitted this fact to the old lady who owned the local florist, but instead of laughing at him, the lady smiled with a twinkle in her eye, muttering something affectionately along the lines of “young love.”
A creak from the door in front of him swiftly took him back to his current situation, and he looked up, his voice catching in his throat for a moment. In front of him was a flustered Y/N, and Will truly felt like the luckiest person in the world.
“Hi!” the girl squeaked out enthusiastically. "Sorry, I took a little longer than you probably expected; I couldn't find my key,” she explained, looking slightly guilty.
“It’s no problem; genuinely, I would’ve waited hours if you needed me to.” Will spoke sweetly. Y/N took it as a dramatic use of hyperbole, but in the boy’s mind, he was speaking nothing but the truth. “These are for you,” he added, handing the bouquet of tulips to the girl. “I didn't know which flowers you liked, but, uh, these reminded me of you.”
“They're gorgeous! And... pink tulips are actually my favorite; you must be psychic.” or maybe he just looked at her Instagram too many times—the same difference, really. Y/N was sure that her heart rate was about 1000 beats per minute, but she calmed herself down with some deep breaths.
“Could I?” She gestured her head between the flowers and the hallway she had just appeared from, asking if she could go and put the flowers back in her dorm, and Will nodded, silently sighing in relief at a moment to get himself together.
After a few minutes, Y/N got back, and Will offered his arm for her to take. She did as prompted, and he led her onward. The first part of his plan was in motion; phew, now all he had to do was not mess up the date or the whole part where he was going to ask Y/N to be his girlfriend.
Unfortunately, part of the plan had Will relying on his friends. Yes, he trusted them, but he still anxiously awaited what he was going to be presented with when they arrived at the park.
He had spent all morning preparing a picnic basket of foods for their date; he’d even taken a trip to a store to buy a wicker basket and a red check blanket to fully complete the aesthetic.
Yet, he was (thankfully) pleasantly surprised when, as he brought the girl through the park, his picnic was perfectly set out for their date. He’d need to remember to thank the boys later. Will looked at Y/N, nervous for her reaction, to see what could only be described as pure joy painted across her expression.
“Will! This is so cute,” she let out a squeal of awe. “You didn't have to; oh my gosh, this is so cute.” She promptly wrapped her arms around the boy, kissing him on the cheek in excitement. His cheeks lit up at this, because while she’d kissed him on the cheek before, it never stopped feeling like the first.
They sat together in the afternoon sun, engaged in conversations about many topics ranging from hockey to Taylor Swift, but somehow, the topic of Dear Evan Hansen had not come up yet, which Will sort of wanted it to, so he could approach what he’d been waiting to say for a long while now.
“And then the show's tonight, and like Ms. Laynor said, we could have a few hours to ourselves before we had to get ready for the opening, right? But she never specified what time we needed to be at the theater, so I just thought four hours before was good, you know. Arrive at 4 p.m. in time for the show at 8, perfect!” Y/N ranted on slightly, but Will listened intently, nodding in agreement with her decision.
“Yeah, I think four hours is good, and if she needs you before then she can always message you.” Will reassured the girl, his eyes twinkling affectionately at the passion she held for the theater. Just seeing the smile that graced her face made the boy know this was it—this was the time he was going to do it. He wasn't sure why he knew, but the moment felt right. He took a deep breath before speaking.
“There's really nothing like your smile; have I ever told you that? It's sort of subtle, but real, and it's perfect." Will started; he had a habit of talking with his hands, and as he spoke, it was highlighted. “And I don't think you know how amazing seeing your smile can make someone feel—can make me feel!”
Y/N watched him talk, stunned and speechless as Will confessed what he had never had the guts to speak out loud before. “And I know that when you're bored in class, you start doodling in the margin of your books, and I noticed that you annotate your books with a pen when you see something you like.”
Admitting this took bravery, but honestly speaking, the boy still hadn't come to terms with the fact that this was actually real.
“But I’ve kept it all inside; I haven't said it to you. I’ve wanted to, seriously, but I couldn't seem to talk to you about it; I couldn't find a way, and I didn't know if we were on the same page because sometimes it feels like we're a million worlds apart, so it was like, where am I meant to start? And how do I say it?"
He took a long breath before he said the most important part, “I love you.”
That was it; he’d done it; he’d said it. There was no taking it back now. He felt close to exploding as he looked directly into her eyes for the first time since he’d started talking. Y/N looked close to crying. Will could only hope that was positive, but the demons in his head only told him of the rejection that was coming.
“Will. I don't know what to say. He braced himself for the harsh reality check he feared was building. “That's the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard. Wow. I love you too, seriously.”
He deflated, “I get it,” before his mind fully comprehended what he’d just heard. “Wait, what?” His previously crestfallen body language perked up instantly. Did she seriously say what he thought she had? Surely he had to be dreaming, and resisting the urge to pinch himself to check was becoming increasingly difficult.
“I love you too,” she smiled. “And I think if I hadn't already been, the fact you just quoted Dear Evan Hansen to tell me how you felt would've made me fall in love on the spot.” She said it meaningfully; his words had been quotes from a song, yet somehow, everything he said felt raw and honest, like he had written the song about her.
With the realization of what he’d done, Will groaned inwardly, “Fuck, there's no way I plagiarized my confession of love from Dear Evan Hansen. I’m so embarrassing.” He knew the words had been too smooth to be completely his own, but of all the things he had to quote from, It was the musical his girlfriend was going to perform in a few hours.
“What? No, you aren't! You genuinely don't know how much it means. You spent so much time helping me rehearse for the performance when you didn't have to, when we weren't boyfriend and girlfriend, but you did anyway. And you memorized the lyrics, and now you're quoting the songs when you tell me you love me.”
Y/N looked at him with an expression of pure adoration and said, “You're not embarrassing at all; you're just possibly the sweetest person I’ve ever met.”
“I never meant it in a bad way that it was quotes from there. I mean, you changed it so it would fit me; that's just about the most thoughtful thing in the history of things. It was personal, to me and to us; that's what matters.” and she was extremely serious when she said that.
The idea that someone she'd fallen in love with cared at all about her passions meant everything, and then for the love to be requited felt like a million years of joy all at once. The boy felt the same, along with a major sense of relief and, well, a hint of lingering embarrassment.
“I’m glad, wow. I’ve been waiting so long to finally tell you this. I can't even believe it's just happened and that you actually like me back, and all the rejection scenarios I imagined were stupid.” He was cut off by the pressing of a kiss on his lips.
“Shut up,” she mumbled affectionately against his lips, smiling slightly into the kiss. Any of their previous fluttering, drunk kisses were forgotten at this moment; the passion after months of mutual pining solidified this as the first kiss, not just for them as a couple but for them as people too.
They continued for a few seconds before both of them lay down on the blanket, somewhat starstruck, letting the situation completely settle in their minds. It was a comfortable silence as they replayed the moment in their heads like a film reel.
It had gotten to 4 p.m. and Y/N had left for the theater. Will spent the time he had between then and the show in a few hours processing everything that had gone down. It honestly shocked him that he’d ever followed through with the plan to begin with.
Fast forward to the performance. Will sat in one of the closest rows to the stage, excited to watch Y/N perform a project she’d been working on for so long. Personally, he was extremely impressed; the entire cast had worked their asses off, and it was definitely worth it.
While Will had listened to the soundtrack, he’d never seen the full musical performed, and seeing it there was something special, especially knowing how much it meant to the people on stage. As the production came to an end and the cast performed their curtain call, the audience gave them a standing ovation.
Y/N, as the title character, got her own turn to bow and take in the true feeling of the audience clapping for you and cheering for you. The feeling was indescribable, but at that time she felt on top of the world, lost in the moment, at a peak in her life.
She was grinning ear to ear as she met the eyes of Will in the crowd, and this somehow prompted the hockey player to shout, “That’s my girlfriend!” at the top of his lungs.
Needless to say, he was extremely embarrassed that he'd said that out loud, but it got his point across in a pretty public way, no doubt about that. Y/N laughed slightly before the rest of the cast joined back into a line with her, taking their final bows as the curtain closed, the show ending.
a/n :: thank you for reading!! the formatting ended up a bit weird and i had to reupload this bc tumblr decided to bully me and not submit this to tags... but hopefully it works now and i hope you enjoyed :3
#mira⌇🌷#will smith#will smith hockey#will smith x reader#nhl fanfiction#nhl imagine#nhl x reader#nhl fanfic#nhl fic#hockey#san jose sharks#boston college#boston college hockey
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The thing I hate the most about Christmas is that it has the simplest, most obvious holiday gimmick ever (give and get presents) but the Christmas Lovers™ just. Refuse to accept that this could possibly be a factor in why people who aren't children like Christmas over other holidays like sorry but you live across the street from your parents I dont believe that you literally only ever see your family But One Day A Year on Christmas, so the whole "I just love being with family uwu" schtick is so fucking transparent just say you like presents!!! Just say it!
"Oh the strange mystical unnameable magic of Christmas..."
Yeah that's presents and enforced Christianity and it's never been mystical or strange
#I have had two people in my life ask me about Christmas traditions with my family when not forced to do so by a questionnaire of some kind#every year everyone I know asks me what I got for Christmas#THE PRIORITIES ARE NOT OBFUSCATED IN ANY WAY#Cassidy.txt#I genuinely and truly would have so much less of a problem with people acting like I'm a serial killer for thinking Christmas is overrated#if they would admit that they like it mainly bc of presents#but instead I'm painted as a hater of humanity bc I think Santa Claus is fucking stupid and pointing out you could do literally every singl#'Christmas activity' whenever you want but you dont. you ignore your parents who live across the street until it's FB photo time.#so I guess there's also a kind of Christmas lover who just likes the social cache floating around this time of year#if it seems like I post about this a lot it's because everyone ignores it whenever I have brought it up interpersonally in any way :)#if you dont like Christmas you get social ostracization#FROM ADULTS?#You asked if I'm excited for Christmas and just said 'not really' and then we dont talk for three days#it's just a fucking day you could give people presents and do stuff together whenever you wanted!#put down the hallmark channel. it's just a fucking day like any other. you give everything your own meaning and I find none in it and#that takes nothing from anyone!!!!#I will say the funniest thing is hearing people describe why they like Christmas#and realizing they're just describing having time off of work#yes they're anti union they always are 🫶
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Aunt Flo's First Visit [pre-outbreak!Joel Miller x f!reader]
MASTERLIST - follow @mothandpidgeon-updates and turn on notifications to stay updated with my fics!
Pairing: pre-outbreak!Joel Miller x f!reader
Summary: After Sarah gets her first period, Joel is determined to be a supportive parent despite the fact that he doesn't know the first thing about menstruation. But when he goes to the pharmacy to shop for supplies, he finds himself in way over his head.
Words: 2k
Rating: G
Warnings: period stuff and everything that comes with it
a/n: This is really fluffy and a little silly. I saw a tik tok by a menstrual product company about a customer trying to find the right thing for his daughter and it just gave me such Joel energy this happened. I haven't finished any fic in MONTHS because I'm working on my book and that's not finished either so it feels really good to complete something. (If you want to keep up with my publishing journey, I'm mainly documenting it here.) Please enjoy.
Also, I challenged myself to write in present tense bc I never do and I really was struggling so pretend the grammar is all correct. Thank you.
Joel knows how to do a lot of things. He can manage a crew, change a flat tire, and build just about anything. He never considered himself smart by the classical definition but he knows how to make a car battery from scratch despite the fact that he got a C in chemistry.
If somebody had told him a decade ago that he’d one day be paralyzed with fear in the feminine hygiene aisle, he would’ve laughed. But right now, Joel would give all his knowledge along with his left arm if he could just figure out what the hell he ought to buy for his daughter.
He knew this day would come eventually. It’s his own damn fault he never prepared himself. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he must’ve expected Sarah to just know how to handle it. Being a single dad wasn’t a walk in the park but he couldn’t imagine how much harder it would be if Sarah wasn’t so damn self sufficient. Even at 13, she can get herself fed and dressed and off to school without help. Of course she could figure this out on her own.
But Joel was reminded that Sarah’s still just a kid when she finally told him that she’d gotten her period for the very first time. She was so embarrassed to admit it, Joel practically had to drag it out of her.
He was angry with himself. He should’ve been ready, wished that he knew the right words to say. Joel promised himself he would put things right so she wouldn’t feel like she ever had to hide anything from him.
That was a lot easier said than done, he realizes now.
Joel stands in the aisle overwhelmed and confused. Boxes and soft packages in friendly, pastel colors stare at him from the shelves. He’s never spent much time with the feminine hygiene products, not unless he was scooting by them to pick up a little carton from the family planning section. He hasn’t bothered to learn about that stuff. Women’s stuff. He’s not disgusted by menstruation, isn’t afraid of it. It’s just one of those things he never had to deal with.
Without Sarah’s mom, though, he’s had to figure out plenty of girl things. He can remember the lesson on managing Sarah’s curls from the kind woman at the hair salon. Names of Shampoos and oils that felt foreign were now routine and he’s mastered using the combs and clips that looked more intimidating than some of his power tools. But he struggled for a good long while before that kind stylist took pity on him.
And here he is again, flying blind into the female whirlwind.
There’s so many options on the shelf. Words like HEAVY and gentle and sport. And the prices. Christ! He thought the hair stuff was expensive.
Joel’s head is spinning but he has to get it together. He’d vowed long ago that he would be Dad and Mom too. That’s what his daughter deserves.
Just a year ago, he hovered outside of the dressing room at the mall as Sarah tried on training bras.
“Did you find one? You were in there for a while,” he said when she emerged.
“Dad,” she replied in that tone she was using more and more often, the one that told him to shut up.
It isn’t the changes to her body that scare him, all of the subtle ways she’s becoming less familiar. His little girl is growing up and he mourns her childhood. It won’t be long before she’s driving, going off to college. Maybe she’ll have a daughter of her own but Joel hopes she’ll wait longer than he did, have a chance to make a life for herself.
Speaking of which, he realizes he’s going to have to sit her down for a real talk about boys next. He better get ready for that one. Explaining where babies come from hadn’t been too difficult. Condoms and venereal diseases are a whole different ball game. Teenage boys are gremlins– he’d know– and Sarah’s so smart and pretty, she’s going to have to be careful.
Joel doesn’t know how long he’s been staring at the shelves when a woman appears in the aisle, another shopper. She’s got her keys looped around a finger, headed straight for the tampons, her flip flops smacking against the bottoms of her feet. Joel has a box in his hands. He doesn’t even know what he’s picked up, it’s just got the least intimidating packaging and the price is reasonable. He can’t help but catch the woman’s eye and the look she gives him is a little wary. It must be obvious that he’s out of his depths. But she gives a polite, tight lipped smile and proceeds to ignore him as she approaches the pantheon of period products.
He watches as her eyes dart around the shelves and quickly she makes a selection, plucking up a box clad with pink and purple silhouettes. So easy. Well, it must be easy for her. He wonders how many times she’s visited this part of the pharmacy, if her mother brought her to the store when she was Sarah’s age and showed her all the options.
His free hand fidgets at his side and he swallows dryly. He feels like an idiot but he reminds himself that he’s got to do this. For Sarah. The woman is already half way back to the end of the aisle by the time he’s found his voice.
---
“Excuse me, miss. Could I trouble you for a second?” you hear from the man behind you.
You turn around, confused, but there’s nobody else that he could be talking to. Here you thought you could get in and out quickly. You’re cranky and tired and all day you’ve had toe curling cramps. It hits you like a ton of bricks every month. All you want to do is get home to your couch to watch some crappy reality tv.
But this lumberjack of a man– broad shoulders wrapped in a flannel shirt– is giving you puppy dog eyes. You’ve never been hit on while holding a box of Tampax Pearl but there’s a first time for everything.
“I apologize. This is real awkward,” he says, rubbing at the back of his neck with a big hand. “I’m trying to get something for my daughter but I’m a little lost.”
His voice is warm and sweet and he’s handsome as hell but you keep your distance.
“Didn’t she tell you what to get?” you ask.
His expression grows even more bashful and his voice lowers.
“I’m afraid it’s, uh…well, it’s new territory for both of us,” he admits.
You can’t help the sympathetic smile that forms on your lips. Some poor preteen girl just got welcomed into the cruel arms of womanhood. It will be all downhill from here. Wild mood swings, angry breakouts, blood leaking through her favorite pair of pants. At least, it seems, she’s got her dad on her side. It takes a lot of balls for a guy to pick up a box of tampons let alone stop a stranger and ask for help.
You’d like to tell him that you’re too busy to help– you can hear your Haagen Dazs calling you all the way from the freezer– but you at least owe it to this kid to help him out.
“What’ve you got?” you ask, nodding towards the powder blue box in his grasp. It looks so little in his big hand. You walk back towards him and take a look. “Oh. Nice try but I wouldn’t go with that.”
He regards his choice again. It’s kind of adorable, the way the corners of his mouth frown as he squints at the words on the front. “What’s wrong with these?” His words aren’t defensive, he’s genuinely curious.
“Tampons can be pretty tricky when you’re that age. And those don’t even come with an applicator,” you explain. You remember trying to use a tampon that first time. You’d never put anything up there before and it stung like hell.
“Applicator?” His brows furrow and you can see fear in his brown eyes.
“So you can put it…in,” you tell him and motion with your finger, jabbing your pointer upwards.
His cheeks go pink. Ears too. You try to suppress a giggle as his brain short circuits for a second. His throat works as he swallows and places the box back on the shelf— gingerly, like it might explode.
“Which are the ones that don’t…go inside?” he asks.
It’s impossible to keep from grinning.
“Pads,” you say.
He nods.
You choose a package and place it in his hands. It’s a multipack, everything from light to heavy, and no wings so she doesn’t feel like she’s wearing a diaper.
“Try this,” you say. “She might not like them. It takes some trial and error.”
He reads over the circle in the corner that claims it’s 100% Leak Free! You can see he’s still overwhelmed but he’s far less nervous. He really is good looking and you have to wonder how he doesn’t have a woman in his life to help him out.
“This many?” he asks.
“She might need more.” You shrug. “Just stay away from the scented ones. And you have Tylenol at home?”
“I think so.”
“How about a heating pad?”
He shakes his head.
“Go get one,” you advise.
He blows out air and then steels himself with a nod, ready to face the red menace.
“I’m awfully grateful for your help,” he says and you can tell by the look on his face, he means that.
You feel your own cheeks heat.
---
Joel ends up behind her in the checkout line after securing an electric heating pad and grabbing an extra bottle of Motrin.
“What do you think?” he asks, showing her what he picked.
“Good job,” she tells him. Her smile is tinged with amusement but his chest still swells with pride. Maybe he’s not such a failure of a father after all.
Now that he’s less bewildered, Joel can’t help but notice how pretty this woman is. She’s dressed for comfort without any make up as far as he can tell but that smile and the kindness in her eyes is what does it for him. If they met under different circumstances, maybe he’d try to flirt. Not that he’s had the opportunity to practice recently. It’s for the best, though. There’s absolutely no way the combination of bumbling idiot, single parent, and menstruation makes for a romantic connection. Besides he’s here on an errand for his daughter.
Joel tries to keep his eyes from wandering over her as the teenager behind the register rings her up, the pink box and two bags of M&Ms. She gives Joel one last smile before leaving the store.
He thought he might feel embarrassed buying nothing but period supplies but he’s too busy thinking about how helpful she was. Sarah would just about die from mortification if he told her a complete stranger gave him a crash course in maxi pads. He chuckles to himself.
“Hey!” someone calls as Joel approaches his truck.
It’s her, the woman from the pharmacy, crossing the parking lot. Joel smooths his hair.
“These are for her,” she says, handing him one of her bags of candy. “Chocolate helps.”
Joel gives a soft laugh as he weighs the M&Ms in his hand. “That I knew,” he says.
“And, uh, here,” she tells him, holding out the long receipt.
Joel takes the paper. On the back she’s scribbled her name and phone number.
“You know, I don’t know. I just thought– if she has any questions. Or maybe if you do,” she says, shrugging. She’s much less confident now than she was in front of that endless selection of menstrual products. It’s cute and makes Joel feel a little less like an idiot for the way he was fumbling a few minutes ago.
“I owe you one,” he says.
She shakes her head. “Just be patient,” she warns. “She’s gonna be a bitch but don’t take it personally.”
Joel grins.
“You’re a good dad,” she tells him and he doesn’t know how to respond to that.
She’s already backing away towards her car and waves again.
Joel looks at her number, once again finding something he doesn’t know. He’d give his left arm to figure out how soon is too soon to call.
---
MASTERLIST - follow @mothandpidgeon-updates and turn on notifications to stay updated with my fics!
#joel miller x reader#joel miller x f!reader#pre outbreak!joel#joel miller fic#tlou fic#joel miller fluff#fluff
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And here I present from my notes, a list of
Suoersons braunrot???
That I totally didn’t make mostly at the hours of 1-4 am
POV: You’re giving HC to Supersons but you are in fact projecting
(Most are platonic while the others are Romantic)
Damián can’t keep friendships, mainly bc of his past he actually like can’t, he has such issues with that bc at school he starts being friend with someone and after a year they aren’t friends anymore, his only friends are his team mates
And ofc Jon, but Damian will never admit that
If Jon and Damian dated/started being in a romantic relationship (as adults/same age) they would actually forget, they would be sitting down reading books one day and then one of them just blurbs out “omg we’re boyfriends?” (Mostly Jon) and then would do a lil kiss on the cheek or just get closer
One thing Damian and Jon have in common is that they never experienced Teenage Love, Damian just never cared and well Jon was stuck in a volcano and he still feels like he missed out
Jon is horribly claustrophobic, he got locked in the bathroom once and Kon had to save him from a panic attack (and also saving the house from being blown apart)
Bruce, Richard and sometimes Jason all call Damian “little Dami” when the isn’t here to hear it
Both damian and jon got bullied at school, but they will only attack the bullies if they mention the other, like jon nearly ending a kid bc he said Damian acted and sounded weird. While Damian gets detention for being too brutal with a kid who called Jon a baby. None of them know this.
(Adults/same age) I don’t think their love would just erupt from no where, I see a lot of fanfics do this where they just jump in, no they are so slowburn it hurts, shits even worse than Aziracrow 😭
Damian likes people who are easy to read/expressive, he feels very safe with those people, yet he is the most closed up mf in the area
When Damian gets Overwhelmed and on the edge of a meltdown he else fights so intensely it’s dangerous, bro needs the whole bat cave to himself during these moments
Most of Damian’s meltdowns are caused by a really uncomfortable pain that lasts long, it’s not the same pain as a wound or anything like that, he mostly hates muscle cramps, the ripped up skin around his nails and any other unidentifiable pains
Jon get overstimulated after stress and paranoia, like he has sm, during exams and finals he needs to have things around him to comfort him or else his anxiety will get him
Jon isn’t a puppy golden retriever baby, no this dude will break a wall, a bone to protect ANYONE, he is the best guard dog ever
Jon is the baker, Damian is the cooker. I will not elaborate.
#dc comics#autism#damian wayne#shitpost#jon kent#jonathan kent#batfam#headcanon#it is currently 2 am#i’m going insane
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whenever people want to hate on d4dj why do they jump straight on "It's queerphobic bc..." as if it doesn't have the best queer rep of any rhythm game out there.
1757 words about queer representation in D4DJ and other rhythm/gacha games below cut
Like there are actual valid reasons to not like d4dj. There's definitely an issue with sexualising the high schoolers, I've made posts talking about it before. But at the same time, if you as someone who plays other of the major gacha/rhythm games is going to say that, you should probably address that SIF, bandori (and maybe enstars? it's been a while since I played) have some dodgy cards as well. Admittedly these cards are mainly old whereas D4DJ is still producing these, but you shouldn't act like your preferred game is perfect either.
But especially saying that D4DJ is queerphobic is so weird. To say that just proves you have no idea what actually happens in the game, and you're just taking screenshots out of context.
Firstly hayakoko. Okay so in the flashback where they get together they said "but we're both girls". Yeah, it's a cliche line that screams 'written by a hetero person', but within the context of the story it's not that bad if a little cringe. Neither Hayate or Kokoa had liked a girl before they started dating, this is literally stated on screen: Hayate says that she was a little surprised to realise that she had a crush on Kokoa. They're baby gay at this point in time. I think Kokoa's an interesting one to point out as well, because she's the one who said the line in the first place, and even after she admits that she likes Kokoa as well and they start dating, the True Love Kiss side story shows her being insecure about PDA in school. It reads a lot like she's had a very heteronormative upbringing, which is very common for queer people. It's probably more common in Japan where they still don't have equal rights for queer people (they don't have marriage equality, same-sex couples can't marry, the exception being if one is trans and hasn't legally changed their gender. and after they're married they can't legally change their gender). Not to mention she goes to catholic school, and as far as I know there's some issues there. So I don't see anything wrong with Kokoa not wanting to be out publicly, and being a bit insecure when she and Hayate confess. You gotta remember they are 15 as well (and ~14 when they started dating). Their relationship isn't going to be perfect, and that's normal.
And then Aoi and her gender presentation. Aoi has always been a very masculine presenting character, and is explicitly GNC, so I can understand that some people were disappointed with her wearing long hair and a ballgown in the Aoi & Haruna Relations event. But the anger some people hold towards this. Come on, how badly can you miss the point? Aoi's gender presentation has been a part of her character since her initial card story. She says she actually used to dress more feminine and have long hair in high school, but decided to change her look because she thought she suited the shorter hair. She also mentions that when she presented fem, she would be told she looked like a cross dresser, which obviously offended her. It's not hard to see that Aoi just wants to be seen as Aoi. It's not about how she presents her gender, she's still Aoi no matter how she dresses - Tsubaki mentions this in the A&H Relations. Nothing was retconned or de-canonised when Aoi wore hair extensions and a dress, it wasn't a sudden unnecessary change. The event explores the fact she wants to try different looks outside of her usual 'princely' one, but she's a bit of a people pleaser and is unsure about it because people associate Aoi with "androgynous good looks". There was no pressure from anyone to be feminine, there was actually pressure the other way. She wore a dress and had long hair for one (1) event, and 2 illustrations. Her most recent card has her in trousers with short hair again. Like you don't have to pounce on it being erasure because Aoi wanted to dress more feminine one time. She doesn't hate being GNC now, she's not permanently feminine now - Aoi being GNC is a part of who she is. Aoi being fluid with her gender expression is a part of her queerness and I don't get how you can miss the point so badly to call it erasure.
D4DJ is genuinely one of if not the best mainstream gacha/rhythm game for queer rep. There's so much more than just this: Tsubaki and Aoi are canonically in love with each other and there was even an attempted confession (they got interrupted), KyoShino have implied romantic feelings, same with NagiHiiro and RinMuni (mainly from Muni's side). Haruna was pretty much confirmed as lesbian during the A&H relations, and has had crushes on two separate characters. Saori's sapphic as well (there's one or two implications that she's bisexual). Having Hayate and Kokoa in a relationship opens the doors to more ships becoming canon in the future. The only negative representation I can think of in this game is Noa, so if you really want to go out of your way to say D4DJ is queerphobic, there you go. Noa likes cute thing, cute girls, and flanderisation took hold quickly to the point of her being creepily obsessed with the ri4 girls and a few others, and literally stalking them. Yikes. Her writing is improving though, especially in All Mix where she just occasionally comments on how cute they are without taking it too far, and they actually let her have other personality traits expressed that had pretty much been forgotten.
My point here is that if you're going to say D4DJ is bad rep or homophobic, you're admitting that your game is worse for representation. I'm not saying that the games in the "Big 3" (proseka/bandori/enstars) are bad by any means (idk about enstars actually I didn't play for very long), but D4DJ has definitely taken some big steps in queer representation that those games are seemingly too scared to make. Having a canon sapphic couple is a game like this is a huge deal, I'm not even sure if it's been done before. And before anyone says "but anhane and minoharu went on a double date in Buddy Funny Spend Time", neither of those pairs are stated or even fucking implied to be in a relationship outside of that event. It kinda just happens in one event, and even then it's still a bit vague on whether either of the couples are actually dating in the event. It's definitely heavily implied that anhane/minoharu have mutual romantic feelings, so they are arguably canon in that sense, just not in an established relationship sense. Bandori has done this as well with PareChu, have them go on dates and be clearly romantically interested in each other, only to never actually be a couple (I know tsumutsumu and reochi have called parechu an official couple, but that's word of saint paul rather than word of god, so take this how you will). Hayakoko is HUGE for this genre, and could mean good things in the future of other rhythm games (especially other Bushiroad ones).
--Break here where I went on a tangent about non-D4DJ queercoding--
Outside of schroedingers dating, both bandori and proseka have characters who are implied/canonically queer. I'll make this short because this is getting really long now and I apologise to anyone who's still reading.
For bandori, Arisa has a crush on Kasumi, Kaoru can be considered as canonically lesbian just from how she's presented, YukiLisa has a lot of implications for romantic feelings, as do MocaRan. Himari is also an interesting case, as she could be read as bisexual or comphet lesbian, it's never really made clear (at least as far as I know, I stopped playing bandori a while ago, and am not up-to-date on story, so anyone who's still reading feel free to add to this or correct me). There's probably some stuff missing here as well.
As for proseka, it actually has quite a lot of queercoding. I already touched on anhane and minoharu earlier, but Kohane and Minori are both heavily implied to be lesbian, An as well (although there's like one or two hints that she could be bi. I can cite them if needed). Mizuki is canonically transfeminine (their gender is unconfirmed), and they have been shown to be attracted to women. ShizuAiri and AkiToya have a lot of romantic implications in their relationships, EmuNene has gradually been getting more and more actually (Amidst a Dream). Ena is implied wlw and Rui is implied mlm okay I think I got everything tangent over.
--End of break--
Regardless of my criticisms, all of the games I've mentioned definitely show how much queer rep has grown and become a lot better in the last decade or so. While not focused on the rhythm game, the first generation of Love Live (2010-16) queerbaited* a fair amount. To give one example, there's an 'interview' with Honoka from 2015 where she heavily implies that she's straight, despite having ship tease with other female characters. Compare that to what we have 8 years later, and you can definitely see improvement. However I think it still needs to be addressed that what we have isn't perfect, and it probably will take while to get to a point where we can have more openly queer characters/couples, especially considering Japan as a country (and american/else localisation teams). But I think more people need to recognise how important D4DJ is for queer representation within this genre. It's really not common to have queer romance and gender presentation be directly addressed and frequently shown, and not just for the sake of making money.
I'm bad at ending essays.
* Queerbaiting - intentionally and maliciously leading a queer audience to believe they will receive representation which is then not provided. Whether the rhythm games mentioned do this or not is... debatable? It's done for the money which ticks the intentionally malicious box, queer people aren't for capitalising on. But a good amount of the time it's done to bait straight people who like yuri/yaoi. I do think it's queerbait though like heavily ship teasing a couple and then throwing in a line to imply one of them is straight definitely queerbaiting. april edit: it took me over a month to realise that there were words missing in that last sentence sorry about that. hi anyone who's reading this in the future
#this was going to be in the tags aside from the first sentence. good thing i changed my mind after 3 tags huh?#i love analysing queer rep it's really interesting#obviously I don't know everything and I have no authority over anything#and i'm no way saying i do. i just find looking at representation and a bit of history and culture interesting#(also im not sapphic so if anything is wrong here - please correct me or add!! it'd be much appreciated!)#i doubt many people will see this but still#d4dj#don't ask how long i spent writing this#oh also im not counting rev/star. this is abt rhythm games (censored so it doesn't show up in tags)#mine#rambles
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YOU and HIM
I’m out here bringing my shooters for mc, fuck adam
I actually wrote this before looking back at the YOU and HIM fandom before I posted this and WHOO this one is like...the even worse end for that angst ask that was sent into the vn page imo. This is not a peace offering to adam sjkdbfebfk
Also I’m sorry if Adam seems sort of ooc??? I wrote this purely from a YOU perspective, so if it’s not quite in canon its more bc its how YOU percieve him (at least in this fic, and for the purposes of this one)
WARNINGS: violence, physical abuse (mainly threat of, but you are holding him down here), sadism, guilt, kinda reads like a revenge plot villian arc ngl??? DEAD DOVE: DO NOT EAT!!
Finally, you held the power. After humiliating yourself to him, servicing the man that held your mind captive for so long.
After giving your sanity to the man that took you from your normal life, stole away your freedom, tore a hole through your regular life just to carve himself into it, you could finally be free.
You could taste it on your lips. It felt liberating, and part of you wished to leave him at merely that. Just to walk out of his life in an instant, as fast as he’d gripped onto you and pulled you into his storm.
But you knew you wouldn't be fully satisfied with that. How could you?
That freedom felt more than liberating, to you. It was intoxicating. And for the amount of pain that he had rattled into your numb bones, this was a feast to your starving eyes. The look of disbelief and shock in his eyes sent you spiraling. You were far from finished. Far, far from satisfied. You wanted more of him.
You wanted his fear to ripple through your body and swarm your insides, coating you in a liquid pleasure. His tears would be a lovely touch, you thought to yourself as you licked your lips at the thought.
You wanted to see him break, just as he'd broken you. You wanted to bridle him and train him just to break him all over again, for daring to think he'd figured you out. Just like he did to you.
“I could forgive you, sure. But, I don’t know if I want to give you that side of me, y’know?” You could hear the smile creeping into your words as you dangled the words so carelessly in front of his calculating eyes.
Nothing could stop the grin forming on your face now, splitting into the sides of your cheeks. You could tell why he so loved, adored, putting your through this pain.
This feeling...above him now, holding the power he would hold so closely to your throat. The otherwise silent and quick way out- one that he had teased and prodded at you for weeks, months, however long this cat and mouse game had gone on for.
You had felt so helpless, scrambling for an exit, useless to whatever he had planned for you around the corner. And within it all, you had truly felt yourself give up. You had all but left your body in those moments. It was the only way you could've survived it, in hindsight.
Somehow, your body persisted. It had held strong for that one precious moment, where he finally let his guard down, enough for you to take control.
For you to allow your mind to once again be present.
To piece yourself together after every time he broke you.
Enough for the glint in his eyes to glean with hints of a weakness, that weakness that he would silently admit to you within your most intimate hell.
That one precious moment that you finally, finally grasped in the palm of your hand. A moment of control.
This feeling, it was...exhilarating. Overwhelming. Consuming. Your body was humming with energy, and you needed to expel it from you somehow.
“You...please...” the soft wobble in his tone was something you shouldn’t have picked up on, had you not been so close to him to hear it. And you wished you didn’t.
You should have been prepared for him to unearth some part of empathy you held for him in you.
The look of shock had waivered into a look of...regret? As if he should’ve never plunged that knife into you long ago. You should have cackled at that. The two of you were truly past that by now.
It really wasn’t like you to be this...hateful. Resentful. You always tried to understand, regardless of the pain somebody put you through. Because even thought it would never take the pain away, it would make it a far easier burden to bear. Right?
That’s what you had told yourself. Time and time again. From traumatic experience to the painful memories of your past...maybe this was your breaking point.
If he was regretful, if he held shame on the pain and fear he’d caused to you ever since that fateful day...so be it. You wanted to cherish at least some part of that for yourself.
After all, it was him who made you this way. He'd thrust you into this. He thrust you into...this decision...into the actions you’d made, into the person you had become but could barely recognize. He did that to you.
Didn’t he?
No, you realized.
He wasn't capable of that.
This was a person that you'd let him push you into.
It was necessary, you'd admitted to yourself. There was no way your weakened mind could handle all of this before his incessant meddling. The high that you were on now was only something you'd achieved through letting yourself break to his will.
So you laughed. You let loose, embracing the shrill, howling laughter that echoed through you, that shook your body to your core. You could feel the vibrations it sent through his body.
You pushed yourself deeper into his skin, deep enough to bruise. You pushed yourself down onto his elbows, and he let out a grunt in pain. You tutted at the sound, as let your voice drop to nothing but a sweet whisper in his ear.
“Maybe things could have been a whole lot different. If you never thought to put at knife into me, for one,” The growl that followed through with your words made him flinch at the sound. You smiled.
“If you’d never thought to hunt me down to the ends of my sanity. Maybe I’d even try to understand you. To love you,” Your eye twitched as you leaned down close to his, so close you could feel his shallow breath on your skin.
“I suppose I can forgive you. After all, you've given me nothing but time already. Don't worry, darling. I've been through your hell. Now, I think it's time I showed you mine,” You let out a dry chuckle, and sat back for a moment with a deep inhale.
That feeling of power was overtaking your senses, and your legs pushed him into a vice like grip. You couldn't get too cocky now; it would be embarrassing if he knocked you off of him when you were only just getting started here. You knew too well that even this was a vulnerable state to be in.
You could get lost in it-just like he had, not even moments before.
Back when the tables were turned, when it was you fighting for your life and everything that you held dear seemed to be escaping your grasp like falling sand in your fingertips.
This time you weren't helpless to Adam’s unforeseen desires. Now it was you who held everything. And you didn't want to lose that. You wouldn't fall for the same tricks you played on him.
So where should you hurt him first?
#every time I see his stupid hot face i wanna punch him so bad#hskdskjebfef this feels kind of ooc#but I will die being the bitch handing out uno reverse cards to every yandere fic i see bc I love them but#I'd also love to see them suffer :)#adam you and him#adam you and him x reader#I had to read through the whole YOUandHIM page thats how much distate I hold for his fine ass >:(#me and my homies hate adam#those new asks got me hating him so much like#how are you making me want to HUG adam#>:(#youandhimvn#YOUandHIM
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impera ghouls' fav art medium bc I just dropped out of art school lmao I hope I didn't forget anyone (I kinda went overboard so it's a long one sorryyyy)
- Mountain's kinda obvious, but he really likes working with natural materials. Enjoys woodworking and land art. Despite his size, has very deft hands and is extremely delicate. Makes a trip to the farm each season to get some beautiful fresh and golden hay to weave it into ornaments and jewelry. And let me tell you that's a testimony to his skill cause I literally cried over hay last October and I had to soak it in water to be able to bend it. The texture was disgusting and I got destroyed at the critique anyway lol
- I've already said it before, but Cumulus is totally into stamp carving and linocuts. 11/10, very calming, probably has rough hands since you have to use lots of white spirit to get the ink of off the lino, and you gotta use a special rough scrub to get ink out of your skin. Puts her creations everywhere, gives you and the ghouls little cards and patches she printed herself :)
- Cirrus and Sunshine probably share the serigraphy workshop. It's a very delicate craft, especially when you go for traditional paper stencils. But worry not, ghoul claws are sharper and more precise than your average cutter. Though, a intricate multi-colored stencil implies there's a lot of drying time involved, especially on fabric. They always have some kind of brunch during that time, with tea and snacks and such. Invite you to join them if you happen to pass by. (it's them who print the merch I know it)
- Aether makes very cool metal sculptures. He's got both the strength and the patience for it. You know those adorable little bird-shaped garden ornaments made from scrap metal ? Yeah he did some because the local old ladies are always commissioning him to make them. Also the workshop's babysitter, has to keep on eye on Swiss and Dew when they start beefing with a circular saw on their hands.
- Rain is very skilled in needlework. Originally considered himself a better painter, since he's got a sharp eye and is good at color theory, but discovered all the ways you can use embroidery and sewing with an artistic approach during a workshop in his first year. Sewed a costume made out of dried orange peels and called it 'orange leather' once. Also interested in book binding. Will get snappy if the others call him a little grandma while he's embroidering.
- Phantom is a photographer, and a pretty good graphist as well. He's too shy to admit it, but he really does know how to present his work. Has the cleanest portfolio around, and is probably a huge perfectionist. I mean, perfectionism is kind of a must in art school but bug is an anxious wreck (give him a hug). Very gentle, handles the lenses and lights with lots of care. Mainly photographs landscapes and nature mortes, but enjoys taking portraits as well. Takes a lot of self-portraits and will very shyly ask you to pose for him. (I photographed myself as Judith in Klimt's Lilith II : Judith and Holofernes for an assignment and ngl would love to hold bug's head with my tits out on camera)
- Aurora makes little pop-up zines. It's a prefect way for her to give way to both her gentleness and chaotic nature. While pop-ups may look tedious to make, it's actually lots of fun, and you can get pretty chaotic with it too. Has a whole collection of patterned and textured papers, she made most of them. Probably has a 'cool paper stash' she hasn't touched because she doesn't want to 'waste them' and said paper is like Christmas wrapping paper from 2016 (it's me I'm guilty).
- Dew is more interest in contemporary art, especially sculpture. Little guy has no patience and likes to break stuff, I see it as a match made in heaven. Uses his fire ghoul abilities to burn different matters and experiment with them. Kinda see him as my friend who burnt a humongous quantity of human hair for a project. Was pissed no one cuddled him for two days because of the smell.
- Swiss is totally a performance artist. I mean, technically, all of the ghouls have a huge affinity with it, but Swiss especially. A big fan of contemporary composers like John Cage and Karlheinz Stockhausen, as well as Bahaus performance art. He likes to let loose, have fun exploring his body's and voice's capicities in an artistic light. Probably submitted some kind of sextape as a project, but it's okay because the professor likes provocative stuff.
- BONUS : all of them probably were nude models for the evening classes at some point. I haven't included anatomical study in the hcs because no one in their right mind would enjoy sitting on a stool and drawing Greek statues for 8 hrs straight, but none of them would mind being the models for the 2 hrs 6pm classes. Although they'll probably ask you for a massage afterwards because of how tiring it is to stay in the same position for so long.
-unhinged family anon
These are GORGEOUS omg thank you so much for sharing these they’re all so on point!! 🩵
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Giving the Ikesen guys modern outfits (because I can) <Pt. 1>
Yeah, we’re doing this. I've probably put way too much thought and time into this. But at this point I have to share it. Why the Ikesen guys, you ask? Because they have the most traditional clothes, especially seeing that nowadays western-style fashion is present everywhere! Let's get it!
→ PART 2 HERE!
How did this post even came alive? Tbh, I was just browsing Pinterest and one of my secret hobbies is that I like to thirst over fashion runways and designer stuff. Not that I would ever buy them, or have the money to buy them, but I still enjoy it for some reason haha. So one time, I was looking at an outfit and suddenly a warlord popped into my head. That's when I decided that I'll do a full detailed research on this. Inspired mainly by their armors and color palettes. (First I thought about drawing the outfits myself, but my drawing skills are questionable, so I edited them instead. My editing skills are better, I promise.)
Also, as I said; these are from fashion runways, so almost everything is from luxury brands and/or quality designers. So not the 'typical' street fashion, because I figured it would be more interesting this way. Plus since I needed a lot of jackets and blazers for the guys, I'm thanking Balmain, because most of these are from their shows XD.
Toyotomi Hideyoshi
I started with him for some reason, when I decided to put together the collages (?). I don't know why, because when I searched for materials and inspiration I was a bit gutted when it came to him. Nonetheless I think managed to craft a decent outfit! A light traditional-looking top, nothing too fancy. Then these cargo pants that can connect as a top as well, in a garish orange color. I just had a vibe that Hideyoshi would rock it. Also it can be very functional! Then boots, to not slip in the hallways. Some leather gloves, to protect the hand and the skin (and he sometimes gives it to Nobunaga, bc he's worried.) And a bigger bag, because he packs for two people usually; Mitsunari and himself.
Maeda Keiji
The free, sometimes unhinged party guy. Who dresses as if the concept of summer had raided a party store. So I wasn't afraid to give him something unusual! Big, loose-legged pants that ventilate well. Some chunky white basketball shoes, that you also see in street dance videos. A traditional-looking top as well, with a kimono-like neckline, even simpler than Hideyoshi's. A magenta belt for good contrast, looks as if it's made out of satin! And to top it off, a leather jacket with an interesting opening! I admit, at first I wanted to use the jacket with nothing under it, making Keiji shirtless... But then I didn't. 🤫 Nonetheless, he rocks it anyway!
Mouri Motonari
I admit, this wasn't the first setup for him. I changed almost all the things, when I revisited it, since I did his outfit early on. I changed everything except the shoes lol. But for the better, since my first attempt was a disaster. I like his tailcoat the best, since it makes me remember sailors and the navy - you know, seeing he's a pirate -, with it's design. Also, it color IS navy blue, so plus points for that. The pants are quite simple, but still got that nice blue color, like the sea. I also wanted to honor his tassels, that are on his main design in the game, and I like the harsh red accent color, it matches his eyes! The top under the jacket is a simple long-sleeved black shirt, with a little extra cut in the front. He's got nice, lace up boots, with some animal printing on it, I believe? I liked the shape haha. And I added his gloves on, since we know he needs them.
Naoe Kanetsugu
I won't lie, he looks like a K-pop poster boy, but I just got these vibes from him, when I was putting this together. The black-and-white contrast is strong, I'm not sure why it's him out of all the warlords, but it was intuition haha! His outfit is fairly simple with the thight black pants, and black shoes. He has a longer, leather belt on for important design elements. His top/shirt is the most extra, with the half-and-half form! I think overall it's pleasing for the eyes. Not as colorful as Keiji, but still cool and collected!
Sanada Yukimura
I wanted only black and red pieces for him, strictly. Especially some harsh red, since he's that kid who speaks his mind no matter what and has a strong sense of honesty and justice. So red seemed appropriate and in-character for him. The details are very sharp-edged and abstract on them, mainly the top. Yukimura is also like that in a way. The pants got a red add-on as well, and the boots' laces are blood red too! Then there's this weird harness thing and the shoulder blades (?)... I was trying to mimic something like an armor, not sure how I did, but it has the rough-around-the-edges vibe - literally -, that I was going for. Then gloves, and a baseball cap too, because he's the town's cool kid!
Oda Nobunaga
My first idea was a big, epic mafia-boss fur coat. Then it ascended into something feather-like, since he has Haguro. Then it became this fancy black feather thing, on his shoulders. Another tailcoat, probably from the same runway as Motonari's XD. With luxurious black velvet design, with some nice accent blue details, and the materials mix on the belt, which is good contrast! The pants are a big baggy which I don't mind, but they're simple enough to tone the outfit down. And lastly the tall boots, which I was a bit hesitant to give to him, but it was a good decision! It's aesthetic is still very boss-like, so I'm happy that I achieved my goal!
Imagawa Yoshimoto
Did I went overboard with the idea that he has a pet peacock? Yeah, but if it's Yoshimoto, he needed something fab! He looks like a crazed bird lady, but I promise he's a crazed bird lady at a fashion show, so it's not forever. I found this photoshoot where the models had peacock themed coats, shirts and everything, so it was meant to be. I didn't put anything under his big coat, but let's pretend he wears a thin shirt, for good measure. Also, the main piece is the poncho-like thing, so I made the pants simple as well. The neckline is an intricate lace, to mix textures. And on the sides I tried to mimic the colorful feathers of a peacock. It's obvious the coat was put together from many separate pieces, but it's special. As a last touch I gave a hat to him, to add to his gentlemanly side.
Date Masamune
The huge urge to dress him in those cool dragon-patterned clothes! I had a blast finding pieces like that! I wanted to give him a loose, care-free outfit, to capture the real reckless side he has! Although the top and the pants aren't that compatible; since the top is a more elegant suit jacket and the pants seem like a pair of trainers, I still think it looks good! (Also because I definitely wanted to use that top and refused to let go.) I found this another harness thing I believe, and I wanted to mimic his armor with it, and I think it certainly makes the full picture better! I gave him gloves too, but fingerless ones this time. Also I found this super cool, over-the-top mask that made me remember an ancient dragon so it seemed like a good accessory. Instead of an eyepatch. 😅
This was a long process, and we're only halfway in!
The others are in part two, due to picture limit!
#cybird ikemen series#ikemen sengoku#ikesen#oda nobunaga#hideyoshi toyotomi#maeda keiji#kanetsugu naoe#date masamune#yoshimoto imagawa#mouri motonari#yukimura sanada#ikesen yukimura#ikesen yoshimoto#ikesen hideyoshi#ikesen nobunaga#ikesen motonari#ikesen masamune#ikesen keiji#ikesen kanetsugu
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i wonder how exactly do people manage to get diagnosis? i'm suspecting i might have high-functioning depression, because in the past month all i do is sleep and eat and not shower for... days. i only shower when i feel very greasy. changing into proper clothes feels like a bother, so i never went out to get food, and rely on online delivery instead. seeing how much money i wasted bc i get deliveries instead of walking to food stalls is kinda alarming, but i'm aware that the other alternative is me not even eating at all. i only go to my campus like... 3x a week? i can manage to appear normal and feel a bit normal when with my friends, but my thesis is also pretty stressful. idk what i'm trying to convey but basically at campus i appear normal (except maybe my slow progress at thesis), but when i'm back at my dorms i become this... very passive person.
i'm seeing a therapist, mainly bc back when my thesis first started, i got so overwhelmed i had passive suicidal thoughts. but i find myself not being able to be honest abt the extent of my struggles. i'm very embarrassed to admit that i've been having difficulty with hygiene. my therapist gives off a mom vibe, so i think i'm scared to be judged for my lack of hygiene... not showering for days, not even changing my clothes or underwear, not brushing my teeth, not cleaning my living space and letting ants surround leftover food... so i always made myself presentable during session. idk, seeing as the session is in-person, i dont think she'd take it well if she know someone who didnt bathe for days entered her clean room. but me pretending that everything is okay makes her think im just having normal thesis struggles, which sucks. but im also scared to be honest abt my hygiene issues.
another thing is my social anxiety. its actually so bad that i cant go out of my dorm room without making sure there arent anyone outside. im not acquainted with anyone in the dorm, i dont even know their names or how they look. but im also scared to tell my therapist abt this??? im scared she will tell me to make friends to overcome my anxiety??? which is scary??? i feel self conscious bc what if someone has been paying attention to how i barely ever leave my room or that they never hear any showering sounds from me??? idk its scary. im pretty sure i have social anxiety, but my therapist has managed to make me open up and im not super quiet during sessions and can behave mostly like myself so i unconsciously put on a mask that always makes me be in denial abt my issues (in this case, pretending i have proper social skills, instead of admittinh i shrivel in fear when put in new social situations)
my thesis is also very much in bad state but instead of telling my therapist that my advisor thinks i havent been taking the thesis seriously (which hurts, bc i do worry abt its progress, even if it looks like im not making proper progress), i tell her that my worries arent proportional to the reality (bc my catastrophizing mind thought i would need to redo everything, while the reality is i only got told to make changes).
tldr im scared to be honest to my therapist bc of internalized shame and all that, even tho thats the reason i decided to pursue therapy? but also its scaryyy. esp the hygiene part. ppl around me are the clean types who hates messy stuff so i think it exacerbates the shame. esp bc i dont just have a messy room, but also havent been showering for days
Hi anon,
First of all I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling. Please know you're not alone. I admit that I also struggle with hygiene in a very similar way as well as consistently eating takeout, and I have diagnosed depression. It sounds like you have some big and intimidating responsibilities right now, and that's perhaps feeding into your depressive symptoms. You feel overwhelmed, misunderstood, and lost.
I understand the resistance to open up to your therapist about things that you have internalized shame about. Please just know that one of the main purposes of a therapist is to not make you feel judged or ridiculed, and any therapist who does do this doesn't deserve their position because it's damaging to a client. That is the last thing you need right now.
I can definitely relate to feeling judged by your therapist solely out of internalized shame alone and not any sort of cues on their end. In my experience, every time I did decide to open up about the thing I was ashamed about, it always ended up going much better than I anticipated. That being said, if you are picking up on cues from your therapist that makes you feel like she would judge you for opening up about this, then this therapist may not be a good fit for you. You deserve a therapist that doesn't make you feel judged.
I recognize that it can be an intimidating hurdle to decide to talk about these uncomfortable subjects with your therapist. But please consider that once you do choose to talk about it, your therapist can give you tools and direction to figure out how to manage both your depression and your social anxiety. Ultimately, it's important to take your time with this - don't feel pressured necessarily into opening up to your therapist, do so when you feel ready, but just consider the fact that you deserve help.
I hope I could help. Please let us know if you need anything.
-Bun
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For once, I'm actually doing what I said I'd do in a timely manner.
So this will be jacket post part two: electric boogaloo, bc I didn't want the other one to get too long.
Anyway so yesterday I finished all the sewing (you'll see what I mean) and on Wednesday I finished the painting at Maxi's place (who btw came over and helped me finish my uni stuff so everybody go thank Maxi bc otherwise I'd still be sitting here crying over my shitty printer.... anyways)
Let's get to it
Here we have the front of the jacket (I'll show the collar area in more detail in a sec). On the right pocket I added my LOTSAD pin (yes, I still think the abbreviation is funny), originally I wanted to put the Blind Channel one there but then I realized 'sewing inside of a pocket sucks ass, as does sewing through two layers of jean fabric at once', so here we are. The sewing doesn't look very clean but fuck it (it's just rock'n'roll, okay I'll shut up). Maxi told me 'It would've looked better if you had cross stitched it' to which i replied 'Honey, I'm just glad that it's on there'. Anywho underneath the ghost, between the buttons I added the word(s) 'care fully' (which can be read as one or two words and I kinda like that. It's a Mitski reference but also I just love playing with language).
Here we have the LOTSAD pin (and shitty sewing job) in more detail and as you can see I finally added the GIANTS pin above the Get Up coward.
The Joonas smiley got some company. Tbh sewing the beads on like this was so much easier than trying to sew on the pins.
More beads!!! I decided to make the rays two-colored bc why not? And I know the bead placement is a bit on the nose, but eh who cares? Also I added the birds last minute bc freedom and the sea and all that (in my heart they're evil lil seagulls).
(This is nothing new but I just wanted to show it to y'all colored in)
From bottom to top: The knife (!!) is finally colored in and I couldn't be happier. Imagine walking by someone and then boom KNIFE!! (I hope you can tell how much I love this stupid bloody knife). Above this I added one of my favourite songs off of the new album. But yeah it has a star in the middle, bc they're burning (again lost an arm and a leg on the creativity). And you might notice that these beads are different, and that's bc I did this arrangement at home, where I had a greater variety available :)
My favourite part of the jacket, still. It's so simple and yet it just works. Again, I know that you've seen this before but I just wanted to show it outlined and coloured in :)
Now for the back:
Top to bottom: since my collar is usually down, I put the Watching Over Me mainly here for myself, but it's for good reason. This lyric really means a lot to me on a personal level and it's from the first MCR song I ever listened to (so it's double special), so no one but me (and you guys now haha) has to see it or know it's there, but I still wanted it to be included. Secondly: the Bad Idea back piece is done!!! Yaay!! And the roses don't look like colored in 8s anymore (double yay!!). I'll admit it looks pretty edgy (what about this jacket doesn't) but I really enjoyed painting it. I think I might have also done it out of spite for my 9th grade English teacher, who, after I had done a presentation abt MCR, told me:"Nice presentation. But Anna, all that blood and gore? Is that really necessary?" Yes, yes it is ma'am.
Lastly: the rest of the back. Yeah I kinda just went ham with the beads and pins, but it was fun (for the most part). Bottom to top: The 747 is finally colored in, bc of its position it's kinda reminiscent of an incomplete license plate but if you knew my history with this number, you'd agree that it makes this just that much more fitting.
Above it the Blind Channel beads, kind of as a summary of everything above them.
Then we have Balboa (why is there a heart bead? Bc Maxi had some lying around and I thought it looked pretty). I really like this song and I would give a lot for that skeleton Breakdowns for Breakfast t-shirt.
Above Balboa we have a part of glory for the greedy. No deeper reason for why it's here just 'mwah'. This was the first bead arrangement I sewed on btw and lemme tell you it was a struggle.
Talking about struggle we have the Don't Fix Me pin arrangement that made me want to throw myself into a river. I struggled so much with this but I ended up really liking it. Pink + edgy??? Fuck yeah, that's what I live for. I know the song itself is not everyone's favourite, but I've been listening to it on repeat ever since it came out so lol
Lastly we have the Left To Die beads (yes alive or only burning, again, that song has been living in my head rent free ever since I first listened to the album and not just bc of the jupiter line haha). When I first heard the chorus I was like 'huh' and then i thought about it some more and I was like 'hUH?!?', anywho needless to say this lyric hits me every single time (:
Soooo.... that's the jacket. Edgy, wonky and with a certain.... diy-charm.
Hope you enjoyed this journey and its outcome as much as I did.
Bonus: The diy saftey pin necklace (by me) and saftey pin earrings (by Maxi), that I'll probs wear at the concert. Alongside a Revenge bracelet that I wanted to sew onto the jacket but sadly didn't know where to put.
#bc jacket project#finally#it was a struggle a journey an adventure#an almost week long experience that made me realize 'I will never try this again'#I respect anyone who regularly customizes their clothes#i couldn't do it#I hope this jacket will just be as effective as my 'i'm not okay' shirt was at the mcr concert#makes you very easy to a) approach and b) pick out from a crowd who is going to the concert#'hey are you going to the mcr concert?' me ( in vampire make up and mcr shirt) * stares back in confusion *#no but it was nice I met some really nice people there#and I even went out for a drink afterwards what more could a girl ask for#honestly the best night of my life#anywho#hopefully I'll meet some nice people at the BC show as well#I mean you guys are all the sweetest people I've ever met so...#i'll go back to working on my research project now#catch ya later nerds ( affectionately)#blind channel#yeah I'm putting it in the main tag fuck it ( said like it doesn't make me anxious)
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controversial opinion : I think the amount of secret relationships eddie fics are too many, I’d prefer “popular reader is loud and proud of relationship w Eddie bc I love him.” Instead of “is hiding relationship bc I care about my social standing.” Opinion?
i see your point, baby. i can't help but think that this type of fic is extremely popular because y/n's feelings are truly relatable (we are/were all scared of rejection and not fitting in at some point in our lives); and most importantly, because people love the thrill of being caught doing something that they shouldn't – lord forbid our golden y/n is to be seen anywhere near the freaky munson. so we can definitely see the appeal and why they're so popular (and enjoyable!).
but i don't feel like there's an exacerbated amount of secret relationships in comparison to loud and proud reader x eddie. mainly because there is a lot of new material being posted by great authors here on this app, and most of the new works i've seen have been about reader and eddies established relationship, or at least, the beginning of one.
i kind of believe that this secret relationship thing (or reader being embarrassed to admit that they are in a relationship with our boy) might be present in a lot of stories because, as i said before, it is complicated for anyone in hawkins to even get close to eddie without being judged by everyone in that godforsaken town.
yeah, i talk too much. sorry, anon! but i hope this is, at least, readable and that you can understand my point of view. i'm always open for discussions! would love to hear what you think about this. <3
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deep space 9 for the show ask? (i have not seen ds9 but i still enjoy reading ur thoughts on it)
favorite male character: I think I’m going to say Jake Sisko but Bashir (yeah yeah I know he’s annoying and all which is true but 1) That makes him funny 2) he’s also representation for people who own plushies) and Ben Sisko are close. I like a lot of them though I like Rom, Quark, O’Brien, Odo if you count him as male… Damar even though he’s overrated as all hell. So is Weyoun but at least he was gay. And purple
favorite female character: For main characters I think I’m still going to say Kira even though I feel like they ran out of things for her to do for a while, her whole backstory is very interesting + sympathetic and it’s crazy how they portrayed her as such when just a few years later people would have lost their minds yk. Also she’s a lesbian and all etc etc and her oh outfit and haircut were cool and I really liked her personality. For side characters Lwaxana Troi I loved the fake marriage with Odo episode
least favorite character: besides like the irrelevant boring ones like shakaar bareil eddington etc… I dislike the way they wrote Kai Winn towards the very end I feel like she would have been a better character with more nuance considering everything she went through during the occupation. I dislike the way the Pah-Wraiths subplot ended up being handled in general tbh like it’s not 100% bad but I don’t think they ended up building it up as as much of a threat/as interesting as the dominion so it felt kinda anticlimactic and black and white/contrived in nature. Especially since only Sisko was really involved with it out of the main cast. Don’t get me wrong I think being the emissary is a very interesting part of his character, but there’s not much that interested me abt the plot other than that and that made it feel small and self contained rather than the huge scale of the dominion conflict. Sorry that got off track. Also I hate Sloan for being boring and for being in the CIA. As a person rather than like as a character it’s Gul Dukat and it’s not even close
prettiest character: hmmm it’s close but I have to say Ezri. Wait I take it back it’s Leeta
funniest character: this one’s even more difficult… weyoun and quark are contenders… Sisko sleeper candidate for #1 but even then it’s hard to say. I think everyone has really funny moments at times. I’m going to say Dukat (< even though some things he did were fucked up not in a funny way. But overall he’s just so deranged and out of touch with reality it’s really funny to watch a lot of the time)
favorite season: seasons 5 and 6 were fire I think I’m going to go with 6 though it was amazing lots of great episodes
favorite episode: Rapture is my favorite (Dr Bashir I Presume being second) it’s so good literally look at this
my third place is take me out to the holosuite fourth is in the cards and fifth is just the scenes where Odo had the baby changeling that one time that was so cute. I do hate Dr. Mora though I feel like it’s disengenuous to characterize him as completely sadistic and evil bc yk he was a bajoran living under the occupation and he had no idea what the nature of the sample was at first but he still fucking sucked he was such an asshole me when I refuse to admit I was wrong and don’t ever change or take others’ feelings or experiences into consideration or apologize for physically harming my liquid son. + I feel like the show was way too willing to present him as right when a lot of the time he just was not
favorite romantic ship: I wasn’t on board with Kira/Odo at first at ALL but I was kinda sold on it eventually, although I do have some problems with its execution (mainly I don’t think they focus on Kira’s feelings and perspective nearly enough I really loved the episodes leading up to them getting together. Actually I take it back I still think in concept it is pretty sweet but a lot of what they did with it in execution was not it to me, what I like abt it in the actual show is more abt what it said abt or contributed to or whatever to Odo’s character, it really didn’t add much to Kira’s in my opinion which is very sad bc she was my favorite character in the earlier seasons. So I guess that leaves Lenara and Jadzia as my favorite. I might be biased for obvious reasons but I genuinely really liked their relationship, like the way it was written and acted during the episode. Ofc it only had to last 1 episode so it wasn’t the most in depth or anything but I really enjoyed watching it. Idk if it should be #1 though. Jadzia and Worf were pretty hit or miss, Miles and Keiko I actually liked but they were kinda dragged down by shitty writing on occasion. Sisko and Kasidy I like but I wouldn’t say theyre my favorite I feel like they didn’t have that good of episodes together, like they did have some but there weren’t that many times when they were on the same side which is a shame (and they have the same thing as Kira/Odo where they don’t focus on her perspective enough in my opinion but it’s to a lesser extent). Kasidy was based for helping the Maquis though. Non canon ones I don’t see a lot of evidence for so I’m not including them (like I’m not against them I can see all of them but I don’t think that in the actual universe of the show they are romantic in nature. Well romantic and reciprocal at least Garak was definitely into Julian at least initially). Ok I guess I’m going to say Miles and Keiko whatever whatever they were cute ok I don’t care what people say I liked them. I liked them in Time’s Orphan and the badminton or raquetball or whatever it was episode.
favorite family ship: do I even have to say it Jake and Ben Sisko <33 their relationship was like my favorite part of the show since s1. I haven’t talked abt Worf in this whole post so I’m going to talk about him here, I think it’s funny how he did not parent his son whatsoever. That’s mean I’ve only said negative things abt him on this post I like him. The episode where Jadzia almost fucking died was good and the one where he was babysitting Kirayoshi was also good. The one with like his brother or whatever was bad though
favorite friend ship: julian and miles aren’t my favorite but honorable mention for their strangely gay moments that was great always loved to see it on screen. I like them all it’s so hard to pick just one. Kira and Dax was probably my favorite though I loved like all their conversations and whenever they would just like hang out. They were also kinda gay as well like that holosuite scene
^although ofc I strongly disagree with the she doesn’t swing that way part. I’m referencing homosexuality too many times I swear that’s not the only or main reason I like this show the plot is really good
worst ship: I’ve talked abt this before many times so not to beat a dead horse but Garak and Ziyal makes me cringe he’s so much older than her its so awkward not to mention it’s completely out of character. Jake/Ziyal should’ve happened instead it would have been so cute. I know I just undermined this man’s credibility but he was right to regret this
Also Ezri/Worf (ofc that was only for like 1 episode) and Ezri/Bashir made me very uncomfortable I watched their scenes like this 😐 it sucked that they retconned him being over Jadzia too like I actually really appreciated the way he moved on initially
#this ended up being really long I had a lot to say#but it was very fun thanks for swnding it :)#ds9
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Glad your defending people writing and drawing porn of kids and defending/glorifying abuse, pedophilia, incest, rape, zoo/necrophilia and a bunch of other shit
Just cause the little 6 year old in an anime isnt real dosent mean that writing porn of her isnt harmful :) fiction dose infact reality as much as you fucking pro ship creeps try to say it dosent
Most antis dont send death threat to others and infact just dont want people making cp or writing possessive abuse as a good and healthy thing but glad to see you drank their koolaid. Have fun with the litteral pedophiles oh sorry, they perfer the terms pro-ship ficto-map😜😜😜
so the thing here is that you can make it sound as bad as you want. i understand why you find it gross, that’s not an unpopular opinion. i definitely also get weirded out by underage stuff and try to avoid it whenever i see it.
i’ve written some fics before with abusive and dub-con elements in it. i personally don’t find an issue with that. i see it more as a plot element. it’s not glorified and it’s easy to see in the story that it’s presented as like— hey, this is fucked up that the character is doing this. but it’s also a way to expand on characterization. not all characters are morally correct, just like real life people aren’t. not all relationships are healthy, and as a writer, it’s interesting to explore those elements while having the full understanding that it’s wrong in real life. the thing is that it’s a story, and— man, i don’t even know how to phrase this, really. idk. i am trying so hard to be respectful but if you’re expecting all fictional relationships to be 100% healthy i don’t know what to say. fiction exists for a reason.
as for like, zoo/necrophilia, trust me, i think that’s weird too lol. people are into some fucked up stuff! as long as they can contain their interests to fiction that i am 100% free to scroll past and ignore, okay. i mean, whatever. weird, but you do you. through fiction, lol.
i think part of the issue here is assuming that all media with harmful elements immediately glorifies said elements, which i don’t think is really the case (other than incest, which i will admit tends to be in a lot of media like porn, which i personally never watch bc it grosses me out lol). but a lot of the stuff i come across clearly presents it as like, hey, this is fucked up, but it’s being written into the story to show how fucked up these characters are, or the author is working through personal trauma and that’s a way for them to vent. i will admit tho! there is definitely stuff out there that glorifies it. i don’t agree with that, but i also hope that people have the sense to understand that fictional glorification doesn’t translate to real life… unfortunately i understand that not everyone does. i wish they would tho 😅
i will admit i am mostly focusing on written fiction when i say all this, mainly bc i don’t tend to look at a lot of art (probably my own weird hangups around sexual stuff, idk, i don’t wanna see it but i can read abt it). but from what i know, most of that art is very stylized, to the point that like… i mean, real people don’t look like anime characters, yknow? i know for a fact that drawing porn of real life kids is illegal, and on that i 100% agree that it’s fucked up, but anime style art doesn’t have that same basis in reality, if that makes sense. altho take this paragraph with a grain of salt, i fully admit i don’t have a solid opinion on “”problematic”” art.
anyway, i know this was a long response, i just wanted to sort out my thoughts and address all the points you brought up. let me know if you’re interested in having a genuine conversation about this! as long as it’s respectful, i would love to hear your insights. (i hope that doesn’t come off as sarcastic, bc i really am being honest.)
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luke - if i had to summarize my feelings about him i would say theyre vaguely positive. but also it’s complicated because i think there’s a distinction between luke as i saw him in the original trilogy, and luke as i saw him in the mandalorian. OT luke is the one i feel vaguely positive about but mando luke is so god damn annoying. and this goes for the fans too, mando luke fans are beyond insufferable. my feelings about luke as a whole are lukewarm enough that they’re easily swayed by how annoying the fans are so my “Vaguely positive” feelings can very easily sway into frustration and hostility depending on the day
leia - if i had to choose a favorite out of any of the main sw cast, it would be her. however it still isn’t enough that i would like, purposefully go out of my way to consume content with her, yknow? but if she just happens to be there then it’s like okay nice :^)
han - gonna be real i totally forgot he existed until i started typing this post. i would say im totally apathetic about him but he gets overhyped WAY too much in literally everything so it gets annoying real fast. i think he’s annoying in general. i don’t like his attitude. the 12 parsecs thing grates at me. bitch.
chewbacca - again i totally forgot about him but thats because he and han are a package deal in my mind so when i forget about han then i also forget about chewie. but fortunately i actually like chewie. he;s an okay dude
anakin - I AM THE #1 ANAKIN HATE BLOG !!! HE IS SO ANNOYING GENUINELY. I HATE HIM. but also i’m sort of fond of him because like, it’s so fun to bitch about him. like the prequels were so much more entertaining than the OT for me because i was just hating on anakin the whole time. like he’s annoying in a fun way. i enjoy bitching about him. but do not mistake my entertainment for genuine affection bc i can and will punt this dude into the fucking sun. although 9 year old anakin from the phantom menace can stay. he was a cute kid lol
padme - along the same veins as with anakin. god. although my dislike for her is mainly fuelled by the fandom. like idk, sorry, i cant really excuse the way she excuses anakin’s growing fascist sentiments and literal fucking mass murder. the way the fandom frames her as some angellic do-no-wrong in contrast to anakin’s devillish behavior is just so. ARGH. like waht the fuck do you mean. she enabled him!!! this dude admitted to committing mass murder and she’s just like, okay let’s get married UWU LIKE DUDE !!?! DUDE? ARE WE NOT GOING TO ADDRESS THAT... it’s a lot less fun to hate on her because it’s such an unpopular opinion it makes me want to rip my hair out. i think i could enjoy her so much more if the way she enabled anakin’s crimes was presented + acknowledged as an actual character flaw (further explanation here) THEN it would be fun to hate on her in a fun way in the same way it is for anakin but alas. nobody acknowledges her flaws as real flaws so it’s just downright annoying instead
i think that’s it for the main cast right. if there’s more characters than this then i totally forgot them and thus i think that speaks for itself how i feel about them
#brot posts#sw posting#the padme thing seriously gets to me ive written so much abt how annoying it is#'this is how democracy dies' GIRL U MARRIED A FASCIST !!!!!#LIKE FIVE MINUTES AFTER HE COMMITED MASS MURDER!!!#YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO TALK LOL
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I'm definitely old now
In 2023 I struggled to reconcile my desire to stay out late at night and make memories with my desire to have a restful sleep schedule. In my 20s I would regularly leave the house after 11pm because many spots and events don't get lit til around 12am. In 2023 I think I pretty much always chose sleep over staying up. Was supposed to go clubbing for my friend's birthday party, and I really wanted to go. But I probably wouldn't have been home til 3am, which would inevitably cause me to wake up early to go into work after some sleep-deprived days. I'd risk making mistakes at work or thinking too slowly at work, which could cause patient harm. Then I'd go home from work and be too tired to meal prep, work out, clean, study, etc. so that day would be wasted. And it'd take prob a few days to correct the 1 night of staying up too late. So i told him wouldnt be able to stay up late for clubbing, and in a way i shocked myself at how unfamiliar this new me is, given how much i loved going out dancing.
The Killers have a special place in my heart because their music transports me back to the middle school version of myself. I listened to Hot Fuss so many times in middle school and the drama spoke to my angsty, emotional, and insecure self. that younger version of me who constantly dreamed about a grander life. When they came to SF, I knew that it'd mean so much to go to their concert; I have this obsession with nostalgia and attaching sentimental significance to certain things so I can commemorate memories and try to relive or reexperience them. (yes i realize that was extremely redundant word choice but idc bc i gotta head into work in a bit.) But I decided with difficulty to miss their concert since I had early morning work the next day.
I have extra special fond memories of NYE in past years- gathering with lots of strangers, dancing, bundled up under thick layers and scarves to ring in the new year. in those moments that you're gathering and celebrating and chanting the last ten seconds of the year out loud in unison with everyone around you, you KNOW you're going to remember those exact moments of revelry and joy for years to come. but i turned down my friend's invitation to celebrate this year because i had work in the morning on New year's day.
These are just some examples of when me in my 20s might have leaned toward going. While I admit the clubbing may have been the pursuit of hedonism as dancing is joy found in a simple act of moving to music and allows me to leave all my worries behind off the dance floor, the concert was more about nostalgia and NYE was more about creating memories. In 2023, there were many other times when I consistently chose over and over again to NOT stay out late. Mainly because I felt an obligation to be responsible for my job. friend invited me to watch a movie that starts at 7pm next Friday--I told him I'll have to sit this one out because idk if i'll even be awake by the end of the movie.
a 7pm movie on a friday evening is too late for me now... welcome to my 30s.
I've recently started to reframe my perspective on getting older. im obviously starting to realize now that I feel way more wrecked on 5 hours of sleep than i used to. body aches appear spontaneously now. the appearance of my body and face is not what it used to be. but im actually really appreciating the present, because i think about how in my 40s I'm going to WISH I could be back in my 30s. And in my 50s I'm going to think man I really had it good in my 40s. So thinking of future me makes me appreciate the body I have today, and I actually feel grateful. I'm quite proud of shifting my perspective because when I was like 28-30 I used to feel miserable about the thought of getting older. I had best fully appreciate this time now, because it will slip away into the past, so I want to savor it all now while Im lucky enough to have it. i will say the weights ive been lifting have been the heaviest theyve ever been, so there are small victories.
My really dear friend is in her 90s and has sciatica. She has been in a lot of pain. But the other day I received a package from her in the mail. She'd sent me pecan pie and cookies. To know that she baked a pie and cookies and packaged them up and shipped them over to me from San Clemente, all despite her sciatica pain, is one of the most meaningful acts of kindness i've received. As i get older I also better understand just how much love is delivered through food. anyone who has cooked and prepared food for me, i realize how much it takes to do that and the abundance of love that is poured into and expressed through food. im so inspired and touched to witness that kindness and am grateful our paths crossed.
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its been like 17 minutes since i told myself id do homework i need to do it but i just spent all that time reading through all my tumblr post...
god i hate myself
not bc of the homework thing ill get it done but because of just reading the posts
not really i dont think
i just hate myself
but not actually
just a little
maybe i feel bad for myself...
no self pity is lame
god do i hate myself?
when i read the posts i know edxactly what ii was refering to at the time... but i dont think i make my psots easy to decipher all the time
like when i saw the posts that said "im so nervous" and "nervous nancy" followed by the psot a few hours later saying wtf why do i actully have rizz" and then "wtf is wrong with me" im like: oh my god!! i know why i was posting that at the time!! like wowowowow thats how i was feeling thats wild!
i really do feel for myself.. why am i this way???? everyone probably pities themself sometimes.
idk i didnt deserve that... and i shouldnt do that.. wouldnt trade it for anything though. i wont stop though
im not evil im just human
im just learning
im scared for when i reach the age where i cant say that anymore...
is everything gonna be okay?
everything IS okay. i get GREAT grades, i have a good home life, i have 2 close friends, i get to walk and listen to music all the time...
i think that part of it is jealousy but theres always a wishing to get worse you know?
i don't think i'll ever be fejwlfjew but i think thats okay... im happy. i think. edcept for when i think about things too much
i pity myself
i guess i pray to the future me. you know? i wonder if i typed all my old posts knowing that the future me would read them and be like a therapist from another time...telling msyelf not to worry. i think i just did it because i need to say things and i dont have anyone that i call spew all my dumb stuff to without annoying them or making them think im mentally ill which i am not.
plus i need a place to be self centered. i guess this is that... some place hwere i only talk about me. im okay with no one listening irl because i dont want to portray myself as insane. there are some things that can only be written too. i wouldnt want to talk to my therapist about a lot of things because i dont want him thinking im insane. i know thats a therapists job but im saying like theres stuff that i really shouldnt say.. scared maybe. i wanna educate myself on law or soemhitng so i know what my therapist can tell my mother or can get me admitted for.
do i even want help? i seriously dont think so. the better i get the worse i want to get. right now im in a good middle ground. im happy, i dont cause conflict in the house too much, im not exhausting myself, i get things done, life is pretty okay. sometimes i will participate in some efwljfkwel activities though. maybe thats just my way to cope. its not harming anyone,, and i really dont believe its harming the present me too much.
maybe itll harm the future me like how my past decisions currently hurt me. not out of regret but out of pity. it just hurts that i did that... you know?
i really should do my homework but i have time (Not really)
im thinking of doing the bare minimum rn and waking up extra early to finish everytihng up. probably what i wanna do.
i know its only been a week of school since the weekend (weird way to phrase it??) but i need a break. im fine with school its not tiring or anything but god i need a break from life. not like life life but i mean hanging out with people, having things i need to do, etc. i need a week where im all alone. i love my friends but god i need alone time. i always feel so guilty when i dont hang out with them though because i dont wanna be lonely or lose friendships so i find myself hanging out with my friends mainly to "maintain friendships". i love them so much but please i need time.
this post is making me sound so mentally unwell but im doing so fine i promise (who am i promising?)
god
why is my heart rate so fast
lemme count it rq
okay its actually pretty normal its 80-ish bpm but it feels fast
i feel so shaky
i wonder if its the sugar i had earlier... i know some foods or larger amounts of fodos always make my heart feel fast and make me shaky but i havent really discovered what foods those are.
im always so nervous posting on here because what if i say something that makes this all tracable to me. i dont wanna lose opportunities beause of some dumb tumblr posts.
i know i should use like my journal or something but its comforting knowing that this can be viewed by someone for some reason. i mean id be mortified if someone told me they read all my posts but idk. maybe also its nice because i can always lose a physical notebook or lose the passord to my google docs but tumblr is public and i can always look at this tomfoolery from another account. plus this feels less formal. in my actual physical journal im very messy and i get sucked in when i write but its so messy its unreadable, it cramps my hand, and sometimes feels inconvenient. on my actual online journal i established it as something more formal... for life and mental updates for myself. im scared
i dont know why but im so scared
im so so so scared
god why did i just feel like i was about to cry
i want to curl up and cry so loudly in my moms lap while she tells me its okay but i cant i cant i cant. if i did she would think im mentally unwell which im not and id be such an inconvience to her.
last time i cried in her arms she told me that i gotta "say everything" to my therapist and that he can help me. help me with what?? she said that i deserve someone good that can help me? i told her that im normal.. she told me that she didnt want a normal daughter she wanted a happy daughter. i am happy. i just repeated that im normal because i know she sees me as different in some way. i see her as different in soem way too. i think i'd see my sister different than everyone else if i didn't judge her so much. i feel so insensitive but i always invalidate my sisters issues/struggles because i feel like i had it worse and that she has it so well. i konw its so bad and i need to remind myself that... she is a human being, she will struggle, and i should be happy that what i was so used to makes her suffer... im glad she's not used to badness like i was. that makes me sound so emo but you know. i just invalidate her so much.
anways. i think that seeing someone so closely..knowing them almost better than you know yourself will make you see them as less normal. or something. i dont know. i know my mom sees me as different. i doubt she sees my sister as so different than society. maybe its because im socially a little odd. she thinks i try to push people away/unsettle them. i dont. im just awkward around a lot of people. i like telling myself that im not everyones cup of tea. maybe thats just a way to excuse my social stupidity. my best freind always asks me how can i find myself socially stupid if im friends with like everyone. maybe shes right, but i dont think os. im not friends with anyone. weve just been conditioned to be nice to everyone and people are nice to me. yes people trust me, yes i have inside jokes/ get alogn with a lot of people... but do you seriously think i hang out with them outside of school? we use the word freind too loosely. if i never text someone, we only talk in school, and never hang out outside of school... no matter how much we know about each other, no matter if we've seen each other cry, no matter how long we've been "friends," we are NOT friends and thats okay. i try to be agreeable. people think im funny at least.
i need my mom to hug me and let me cry into her arms but i dont want her judging me or worrying about me i just need my mom. god im about to cry. why do i make myself feel this way? this was just supposed to be a post about not doing my homework.. now im writing like a multiparagraph essay. i need to say things. i guess i need to organize my thoughts. speak to the void.
you know i think i write in this because i know that future me will read it... emaning that future me will be alive. meanign that i'll be alive in the future. meaning that everything will be okay. if future me is alive, it means she overcame things, and shes now smarter, and as she's reading these paragraphs, she remembers how she used to feel, and pities her old self once again. and then maybe writes more to the future future me. and the cycle continues. until im dead i guess. maybe someone else.. a child? will work as a future future future x1000 me.. i doubt it. i dont think someone will ever care about me as a person so much as to read everyting ive thought. im currently pretty much just writing my thougts. nothing is organized. im just rambling. i would film a video but i dont have space in my camera roll, and even if i did, i would never want a video of myself saying stuff. some things are better kept written. anwyays. hello future me. and the future me after that. etc. i wonder if im laughing at this in the future. probably... in some time in the future. i bet ill laugh while also pitying my current self. self pity is so lame.
speaking of children. honestly.
door is opening. my moms home. ive been writing for like an hour. homework for tomorrow i guess. ill maintain a convorsation with her while i write. actually maybe ill close my laptop and return to this later. i mean i could use the excuse that this is homework...
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