#like. he's suicidal. he's self-destructive. absolutely!!
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hm. this is going to be vague on purpose bc i'm not interested in arguments, but i am once again getting REAL uncomfortable with how some people talk about edward's actions at the end of new moon
#sorry i'm just Seeing Posts TM#listen i UNDERSTAND that suicide is always a painful topic#and smeyer really did set everyone up for failure here#by wanting a romeo-and-juliet aesthetic with 0 of the same themes#and god knows every depiction of mental illness in new moon fucking sucks#but i just...#okay.#i think that there's a lot of nuance in the situation that is getting flattened down#by people being like 'he's suicidal!!!!!'#and using that as some checkmate defense against criticizing him#(or making fun of him in that moment)#and like...ugh.#i've made a post abt this before i know#and articulated it way better there#but i'm just so sick of that being what people focus on in that situation#like. he's suicidal. he's self-destructive. absolutely!!#he's also very nearly homicidal. EXTREMELY self-obsessed. and 'suffering' the result of his own manipulative actions!!#he is doing some FUCKED UP SHIT#and he has been for the whole story!!!!#and listen (time to overshare on tumblr dot com)#i am not in any sense unaware of how much being violently suicidally depressed sucks#i have been there! i have as a matter of fact broken up with a girlfriend out of self-loathing#and then attempted suicide a few months later!!#i have also experienced someone 'attempting' suicide as a manipulation tactic#SPECIFICALLY bc *i* wouldn't date him#did he have other issues going on? clearly yes!#but that doesn't change the fact that he did something incredibly wildly fucked up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#and obviously i'm not saying that's what's happening with edward#but i am saying i think we DESPERATELY need to leave more room for nuance in that situation#especially given that he's a fictional character
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hey so uh about your boyfriend. yeah i accidentally whumped him too hard and he regenerated. sorry
#i killed my 14 😭😭#like a fucking goldfish left on top of the radiator#i pulled his guts out again and he couldnt take it#occupational hazard#ive got one ongoing unpublised fic thats missy whump#theres been like 7 missies in that#shes changed names 5 times#little mermaid voice: ive got suicides and 'accidents' aplenty#self-destructions and -sacrifices galore#anyway she looks suspiciously like bill now she LOVES life and she remembers Absolutely Nothing#im sure that'll sort itself out but for now it's very fun#doctor voice: regenerated?? whats that mean??#yaz: uhhhhhhhhhhhh#doctor voice: you seem to know a lot about this place (the tardis) and everything. do you know.......who i am?#yaz: UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH#they will figure it out its fine its gonna be fine <3#yaz is gonna run into the house like CALL EVERYONE WE KNOW WHOS SEEN THE DOCTOR REGENERATE WHAT THE FUCK DO WE DO
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COD Sex Bot Au - General and Character Specific Facts
Requested: Yes. By uh…..pretty much everyone. SO many people begged for something and while this isn’t exactly a part 2, I hope it will help tide you all over til I can get that completed.
Warnings: Fluff, Angst, Child Abuse, Adult Abuse as well, Mention of Murder, Mention of Self-Destruction (Robot Suicide), Mentions of Knives, Mention of Blood, Spice, Probably very incorrect Spanish
A/N: So! A lot of people, along with requesting a part 2, have also been begging me for Price as well. I know I’ve only done the 4 characters for all of my Cod works so far but I do want to expand the character list! That being said, I’m just not entirely comfortable with writing them yet. I am looking more into Gaz, Price, and Roach specifically and I promise to let you guys know when I feel comfortable enough to write for them! But until then, please enjoy!
✨General✨
Their eyes get this kind of colored sheen to them sometimes. Different colors for different things.
Yellow is absorbing new information
Pink is the color during sexy times
Red is malfunctioning/in need of repairs (but can also be a sign of embarrassment or shyness)
Light blue is curiosity
White (still) is powered down
White (pulsing) is powering down
White (flickering) is low power
Grey is rebooting/charging
Black is enraged
Lilac is contentment
Plum is upset/hurt
All the boys come with their uniforms on but what’s underneath depends
For Ghost’s model, simple black briefs
For Soap’s model, silly patterned boxers (think hearts or something)
For König’s model, usually some fancy lace panties since he’s very popular amongst Doms who like that sort of thing
Alejandro’s model? Absolutely nothing
Ghost
Ghost’s model was MEANT to be a scary bad guy kind of deal, to be marketed towards fans of slashers and the like. But he…..didn’t end up being that way.
At least, not your Ghost. Many of the other Ghost models are that way, but not yours. For some reason.
Granted, that programming is definitely still in him, though not exactly in the way it was meant to be.
Instead of it being just for fun rough sexy times, it’s more…….actually will kill for you. And has, in fact, killed for you.
Something that he’s NOT supposed to be able to do.
“Gee, I wonder what happened to that Barista that insulted me the other day.”
“Gee, I wonder.” *cleaning a bloody combat knife in your sink*
Speaking of knives!!! Ghost’s model does come with a lot of fun knives! Granted, they’re dulled into being just (mostly) harmless kink knives but he made quick work of making them a lot more harmless by ordering a knife sharpener.
So uh, yeah. You have received not just a sex robot, but one that borders on Yandere and will probably self-destruct if you reject him.
Have fun with that!
Fun fact: YOUR Ghost actually used to be a child bot MANY years ago, bought by a man who only wanted to be able to legally abuse a child. So he was broke down and put back together so very many times. And when they recycled and reprogrammed his AI chip, the scarring from that was still imprinted into him.
Soap
While Soap’s model is marketed more towards romantic oriented people, he’s generally seen as a Jack of all trades.
Doms, subs, romantics, first timers, just about any kind of person. He’s good with all of them, though he thrives with Romantics since that is his programming.
And also just because your Soap is so very lonely. He yearns to be loved by you, to melt under your affection.
And also just because your Soap is so very lonely. He yearns to be loved by you, to melt under your affection.
He doesn’t want to be seen as just a sexual object, he wants to be yours. And you to be his.
König
Ah yes, the gentle giant that was supposed to be marketed more towards Subs but ended up being a bit….Soft.
None of the programmers can explain it but every model of him is just inexplicably shy and quiet, thriving in an environment where he has no control.
So now he’s more marketed towards doms. Usually soft doms.
They once tried to change his model to be smaller and more petite and people started BOYCOTTING.
It affected their sales so much that they very quickly changed him back.
People still seethe when they think about it.
Probably equal parts the most loved and most abused of the different models.
Probably equal parts the most loved and most abused of the different models.
Just because of how quiet and meek his model is, how they almost never fight back when hurt.
Alejandro
Alejandro’s model is VERY popular among submissives so he’s programmed to be pretty dominant and also to have a caring nature.
Due to said caring nature, many mistake his model as good for beginners.
I can assure you, he is NOT.
So SO many of his models have been returned cause he’s brought them to tears from so much pleasure, absolutely overwhelming for any beginner.
“Cry for me, Amor. That’s it, just like that.”
His model is one of the only ones that isn’t returnable unless something is malfunctioning and even then, they’ll try just about anything to fix the model instead of just taking them back.
If you’re the type to forget meals and such (I’m not projecting, shut up) then he will literally drag you away from whatever you’re doing and make you eat.
Will set up a rewards system if you have trouble with personal upkeep as well, like household chores and stuff (again, not projecting).
How much pleasure you get throughout the day is all dependent on how well you follow the schedule he makes based on your personal life.
He can and will have you call him Papi, in and out of bed.
“Be a Good Little Cachorro and get on your knees for Papi.”
You only get called Amor when you’re good or when you’re upset. Anything else and it’s Cachorro (Puppy).
#Sex Bot Au#cod#call of duty#cod mwii#call of duty mwii#mwii#mw2#simon ghost riley#simon ghost riley x reader#Simon riley#simon riley x reader#john soap mactavish#john soap mctavish x reader#john mactavish#john mactavish x reader#König#könig x reader#alejandro vargas#alejandro vargas x reader
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Still going through it emotionally btw. I've seen a lot of character death in anime but it's been a WHILE since I've seen one as brutal as Ace's, especially bc of Luffy's reaction to it. Character death isn't unusual but the trauma and PTSD that comes after it isn't really shown that often so Oda actually showing Luffy going through it is. Oof. That shit HURTS bro. And the fact that Luffy's immediate reaction is to just. Self destruct. To hurt himself and risk his own life?? Like it was never explicitly said but I could see the suicidal intent there and jesus CHRIST. Just sitting there watching him refuse to accept it and then mourn and grieve was absolutely brutal;; Not to mention the fact that like. We can see him having PTSD flashbacks. It was just written very well (too well bc I'm still a goddamn mess) and I gotta commend Oda even tho he's putting me through the fucking wringer
#A character death hasn't hit me this hard since Eugeo tbh. It's been a While#Actually thinking about it yeah Kirito's reaction to that was very similar to Luffy's#And Kiri actually. Did genuinely try to kill himself bc of it. Like it wasn't even subtle#Anyway. Woof. I'm fine ahaha (lying)#Do you ever just go through it emotionally and just need to lie down for a while. That's where I'm at rn#One Piece#One Piece spoilers#Suicide tw#Self harm tw#Monkey D Luffy#Luffy#Portagas D Ace#Ace#Ask to tag#Shima speaks
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Shelby said a lot during her stream, teetering from honorable to downright strange, and I want to address some of the issues. Before I say anything, I am still supportive of Shelby’s story, but this stream revealed a lot to me. I especially push Shelby supporters to read this, as this stream pushed MANY people I know to a neutral stance.
Shelby claimed having a depressive disorder just involved "feeling depressed", which is a harmful misconception that minimizes our struggles. Depression is more than feeling sad, and is categorized as being "different from regular mood changes and feelings about everyday life." It can involve constant hopelessness, angry outbursts, loss of motivation in most activities, and can lead to fluctuating weights, suicidal ideations, and self-sabotaging. To say "we all feel a little depressed sometimes" is to dismiss the lifelong struggles people with depression go through.
Shelby also implies that people with mental illness cannot change, and that recovery is not possible if your depression has hurt others. Not only is that an incredibly harmful idea to spread, it's blatantly incorrect. Just as habits and thoughts are trained throughout your life, they can also be untrained. There is genuine psychological basis in this, and to say that recovery is impossible is scientifically false. Personalities shift our entire lives, and changes in our physical and mental environments help us train new habits. This is part of the reason we try forming better schedules in new environments, and why a consistently stressful environment can bloom negative habits.
People don't chose to have mental illness, and if you're never taught to handle it, it can be extremely easy to hurt others. The most powerful tool to recovery is believing you can be better, and Shelby telling people to not even try is just enabling self-destructive people to hurt others for the rest of their lives. Change is a long process, but it's absolutely possible- Something as simple as a disruption in your life, a wake up call, and a drive to be a better person are the first steps to kickstarting change.
Shelby’s claims are very strange considering the rest of the stream. Earlier, she went on a rant about content creator’s influence on teenagers. She acknowledged teenagers are impressionable, and that it’s important to take care of those looking up to you. She recognized her fanbase was mainly teenagers, many of whom struggle from mental illness. It feels backwards to emphasize being a good role model before telling thousands of kids that their mental illness makes them a bad person. Her statement was about treating people with kindness no matter what, but she couldn’t keep that energy for people with depression.
Shelby herself was able to find help in therapy, so to deny that others should seek help feels selfish. She also confirmed on stream that she's seen the informative resources people sent her, and that she has ignored them. I can excuse the stereotyping if she's willing to be educated, but she's made it clear she believes she’s right. This is one thing I cannot defend, and I can't forgive her for slandering myself and thousands of struggling teens’ progress to their faces.
One final thing Shelby mentioned was that we should wait for evidence, and it's alright to feel doubtful. I want to revisit her statement with the current evidence we have, that I will take with a grain of salt by her own request. With the proof we have, nothing that Shelby claims comes across as abusive outside of the biting.
Shelby said she would get locked in his house at times. UK houses need a key to unlock the inside, and Wilbur likely only had one. While at his house, Shelby had access to her phone, and there were ways she could communicate with him or call for help if this was a problem. We have no evidence to claim that he trapped her. Shelby also stated her family never met Wilbur, because she had to travel to meet him. It wouldn't be unreasonable to stay in his house for an extended amount of time, and that was entirely her choice. She certainly might have felt neglected, but to claim that it was entrapment is baseless.
Wilbur was also busy with tours, absent nearly 200 days of the year. Feeling lonely makes sense, but raising that as abusive and holding it against him is ridiculous. As a famous musician, Wilbur has obligations that he legally can't drop. This was something she needed to be aware of when pursuing a relationship with him. She's allowed to wish things were different, but genuinely expecting him to abandon his lifelong passion is more than a little strange. This doesn't detract from her feelings, but to hold his legal obligations over his head when she should’ve known he'd be busy is unreasonable.
Shelby has also made a point of publicly shaming his hygiene. The inability to care for yourself and your space is a common symptom of depression. It was kind of her to clean, but her words imply she thinks he's just lazy. She explicitly notes that Wilbur didn’t expect her to clean, but that he waited for her to clean. This is weird to specify, as people with depression typically don't make plans to clean for long periods of time. She likely just assumed his inaction was a sign for her to do it, rather than something he struggled with and had no plans to do anyway. I don't think she was right for shaming his depressive habits, and I don't think he was right for dismissing her help. However, the comments he made about her cleaning very strongly imply that he never had plans to clean either way. This just reads as a choice to help out, not expectation or pressure.
Based on the evidence we have now, the points Shelby made just come across as her dating a mentally ill man and not being prepared for the challenges that come with that. Her family never met him, and he was very busy, so there wasn’t much outside opinion she could get. It's reasonable for her to feel neglected, but that doesn't necessarily mean it was intentional harm. It's important for both parties to get help, to communicate what happened and talk about their feelings. Wilbur stated he was committed to talking with her and addressing her concerns, while Shelby blocked him and refused to communicate, despite telling him she wanted to remain friends. All she's done since is reject his apology (even though he made a statement, not an apology, for legal reasons) and ignore his requests to speak. This avoidance to communicate is likely why the lines of consent and expectation were blurred in their relationship, as they've both expressed an inability to communicate.
This was not written to discredit Shelby's experience, I do believe she has trauma. However, you can absolutely be traumatized by relationships that weren't necessarily abusive. I've experienced years of PTSD from completely fabricated nightmares, and have trauma from repeated hallucinations of my ex. She’s not lying about her feelings- But between the contradictions, refusing to talk with Wilbur about an apology, and the insistence to "communicate” despite the fact that she blocked him, I can't support Shelby's actions.
I will always fight to uplift victims, and I am sympathetic of her story, but I can't defend someone who makes no effort to communicate or educate herself before speaking. Until either of them presents something that is beyond "he said, she said" I will remain neutral. I think they both deserve a chance to change and talk about this privately, and I will be waiting for a better response in the mean time. There was clearly miscommunication, and this was brought to us prematurely (shown by her contradicting statements.) I urge you all to look at the evidence and hopefully come to a similar conclusion. You can feel for someone's experiences and sympathize with their mental state without endorsing them. Stay safe, be kind, and don't jump to any conclusions. 🤍
#wilbur#wilbursoot#wilbur soot#not a wilbur defense post#but its still important to consider#shelby#shubble#shelby shubble#wilbur support squad#shubble support squad#shelby support squad
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I keep going back to a specific scene in s2e3, the one where Izzy finds Stede in the fucked-up captain's cabin on the Revenge, because I think this scene largely serves as a refutation of Izzy's claim that he knows Ed "better than anyone else" and further proves how little he understands Stede, giving Stede a chance to prove to the audience that he gets Ed in a way Izzy doesn't.
From just Stede's angle, it's very nicely done. Izzy expects Stede to be upset about the state of his cabin; Stede doesn't care about his possessions, he's more worried about Ed. Izzy expects Stede not to have any inkling of what Ed's self-destructive spiral looked like; Stede knows Ed "was either going to watch the world burn or die trying." This scene leaves Izzy with no choice other than to recognize he has underestimated how much Stede understands Ed.
But I want to talk about what this scene tells us about how Izzy thinks of Ed.
First off: we can't take anything Izzy says in this scene at face value, because he says he couldn't have killed Ed even though we know that Izzy fully believes Ed is laying dead in the belly of the ship during this conversation. The mutiny on Ed is extremely well-written; we can not blame a single character for beating our beloved Ed to death and that's a feat in itself, but Izzy here is casually lying in a way the others weren't. With Jim and Frenchie and Fang, the guilt was fucking palpable, Izzy's lie could almost pass under the radar in this scene because it seems so genuine. I don't doubt that Izzy feels guilty; his guilt just feels more about him and the danger he and the other mutineers are in than it does about Ed.
But there's one specific line that keeps jumping out at me, because it is just so incredibly cruel: when Izzy says "he was a wild dog, and we treated him like one." We know that Ed specifically chose to incite a mutiny as his method of suicide; Ed himself seems to have wanted his death to be more like an execution because he doesn't seem to think he deserves a painless death. And Izzy here seems to be agreeing with that.
This line dehumanizes Ed in a very striking way. It takes away his agency, makes his actions seem entirely random and baseless, and rips away the context that Ed was acting from a place of deep, deep heartbreak and fear that Izzy himself triggered. This line makes my lip curl every time I hear it, it is such a disgusting thing to say about another person, especially a person who you believe you have just participated in violently beating to death, which was so traumatic that poor Fang is on the verge of tears this entire episode.
And then Izzy says that the crew have suffered enough thanks to Izzy and Stede - he's taking responsibility, a bit, here, but the way it's framed sticks out to me because Izzy shows so little sympathy for Ed in this entire conversation (see: the "wild dog" comment).
Izzy is willing to stick up for the crew, in his own way. He's willing to advocate for them in a way he never had before; they have just saved his life. But he is completely unwilling to talk about Ed like he's a person at all. Still, at this point, Izzy does not recognize or sympathize with Ed's feelings. His earlier claim that he "understands" Ed is absolutely laughable when we compare it to this scene because, to him, Ed is a caricature of a person, only capable of responding with anger when provoked enough and otherwise not worth the effort to engage with. It shows us that Izzy loved what Ed could offer him, a position of power, but not Ed himself, because he barely even saw Ed as a person at all. It's a very good scene.
#ofmd#our flag means death#feeling shrimp emotions#izzy critical#it's not really but it's talking about the canon guy so i'm covering my bases i guess
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In the mood for...
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1. Itmf fics where yzy and jfm are actually good parents and wwx has a good relationship with yzy. It'll be great if you have it in Canon era, but if not, then I don't mind them being modern too
Still Waters by PorcupineGirl (G, 6k, wangxian, canon divergence, cloud recesses study arc, YZY pov, arranged marriage, protective YZY) Cloud recesses study arc, YZY pov, she likes WWX and wants what’s best for him. She set up an arranged marriage between him & LWJ as kids but now thinks that LWJ is too cold and unemotional for WWX.
Hope series by RoseThorne (T, 57k, wangxian, WWX & YZY, WWX & JFM, WWX & JYL, YZY/JFM, JC & WWX, LQR & WWX, LXC & JYL, Madam Jin & YZY, LQR & JFM, LXC & LWJ, Transmigration, Time Travel Fix-It, Illnesses, Family, Scars, Memory Loss, Angst, Crying, Music, Nosebleed, Fear, Recovery, Nightmares, Sharing a Bed, Flirting, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Good Parent YZY, Referenced Sexual Slavery, Blood and Gore, Monsters, Sexual Tension, betrothal, Arranged Marriage, Grief, Adoption, POV Third Person, POV Alternating, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Good Parent LQR, Clairvoyance, Butterfly Effect, Kid Fic, Epistolary, Food, Secrets, Resentful Energy, Cultivation Sect Politics, Character Death)
🔒 Of Destruction and Rebirth by demoniqt (M, 88k, wangxian, JYL/JZX, major character death, rape/non-con, underage, graphic depictions of violence, Slow Burn, Canonical Character Death, God WWX, God Verse, BAMF WWX, Grieving LWJ, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Canon Divergence, Gods & Goddesses au, JC & WWX Reconciliation, Rabbits, Fix-It, Attempted Sexual Assault, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Canon-Typical Violence, Blood and Gore, Castration, Lots of it, repeatedly, Punishment, Hell)
🧡 Heaven Has No Rage by flipfloppandas (M, 51k, WWX & YZY, JFM/YZY, implied wangxian, WWX/WC, WWX/others, rape/non-con, modern, hurt/comfort, protective YZY, good parent YZY, hospitals, medical procedures, vomiting, trauma)
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2. Hi, I'm really in the mood for a fic set in post canon. Wangxian are happily married and there is a JC and WWX reconciliation, but LWJ and JC still don't like each other. I think it is funny if they are trying to tolerate each other's presence for the sake of WWX. But they still give WWX a headache because JC and LWJ still fight ( using words ). Of course it is a bonus if the junior quartet are also in the fic. Expecially JL and WWX having interactions as uncle and nephew. @yunshenlianhua
❤️ Attempting the Impossible by Ariaste for williedustice (T, 36k, WangXian, JC & WWX, Post-Canon, Yunmeng Bros Reconciliation, Adoption, Family Fluff, Kid fic, Family drama, Fluff, Español Translation Attempting the Impossible by Hummingbird_52, [PODFIC] Attempting the Impossible by Ariaste by lunatique)
With Absolute Splendor by Lise (T, 43k, wangxian, JC & WWX, JC & LWJ, JC & JL, Post-Canon, POV JC, JC is Bad at Feelings, JC & WWX Reconciliation, Weddings, Wedding Planning, Some politics, Complicated Relationships, Brothers, let's do some HEALING and RELATIONSHIP BUILDING, ode to Lise's Yunmeng Shuangjie feelings in almost 50k words, jc and lwj still don't like each other very much, Angst with a Happy Ending, some people? plan weddings?? to cope???, Podfic Available)
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3. can i have some fics with similar element to "Content Warning: Romance" by ariaste? as in, wwx feeling uncomfortable with being treated tenderly, but not wholly opposed to it either, so lwj showers him with tenderness. can be fluff, or can contain kinky element (in a "i will force u to receive tenderness but i will stop if u safeword"). bonus points if wwx gets so overwhelmed he starts crying
Stray Cat by Surprised_by_witches (E, 148k, WangXian, Modern AU, Dealing With Trauma, Angst, Depression, OCD, Past Drug Use, Non-Binary NHS, Brief suicide ideation, Slow Burn, Self-Harm, Past Child Abuse)
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4. Hi hi hi! Does anyone know of any fics where WWX and JC get along well? Especially where JC calls WWX ge/brother. Could be any setting/plot, just want that family dynamic!
Lynchpin by ShanaStoryteller (Not Rated, 103k, WangXian, JC & WWX, Time Travel, Fix-It, Lynchpin [PODFIC] by Opalsong, [PODFIC] Lynchpin by Gwogobo)
With Such Impossible Conveyance by Comfect (T, 99k, WangXian, ChengQing, Fix-It, Brotherly Bonding, Angst with a Happy Ending, feelings what feelings, Anger Management, Canon-Typical Violence, Canon Divergence, Canon-Typical Behavior, Swearing, Fluff, Romance, An End to Idiotic Pining, Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Except The Bad Guys, Humor, [Podfic] With Such Impossible Conveyance by achluophobia, contributor-sky (deepestbluesky), esbielle was also here (esbielle), flamingwell_collabs, GoLBCollabs (GodOfLaundryBaskets), Hechu, Lavendargrrl, mahons_ondine, mistingsidekick, Ohari, semperfiona_podfic (semperfiona), with (fensandmarshes), with (olive2read))
this storm that should not be by TheDameJudiWench (G, 6k, WangXian, Hurt/Comfort, Drowning, Family Dynamics) (link in #8B)
So You Accidentally Kidnapped A Qilin by Mikkeneko (T, 83k, WangXian, Juuni Kokki | Twelve Kingdoms Fusion, mdm yu’s a+ parenting, Identity Issues, Cultivator Politics, Yin Iron Poisoning, Twin Prides of Yúnmèng Feels, Yunmeng Bros Reconciliation, WWX Needs a Hug, Mutual Pining, Miscommunication, Getting Together, Temporary Character Death, Happy Ending, Pacifist WWX, MXTX Big Bang 2021) they do fight, understandable i think given the plot, but they are clearly very close, call each other brother, and have each others' back. in fact that's Mikkeneko's brand, i feel, def check out their other fics
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5. Hello! ITMF Wei Wuxian getting his original body back. In particular, fics which have big dramatic scenes where people are shocked to see WWX in said original body alive again. Thank you so much!
🔒 A Gift in a Curse’s Guise by Setyourlazerstopew (E, 9k, wangxian, post-canon, curse breaking, WWX gets his own body back, strength kink, bottom lwj, undernegotiated kink, manhandling, aftercare)
💖 Transcend by covalentbonds (Not rated, 7k, wangxian, post-canon, fluff & humor, smut, WIP)
a truth universal by curiositykilled (T, 7k, LSZ & WWX, Junior quartet, Post-Canon, Crack Treated Seriously, or at least crack that veered peculiarly into seriousness, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Trauma, Childhood Trauma, WWX's Year of Travel, MianMian cameo, LSZ's fear of abandonment, Misunderstandings, Comedy, Alcohol)
Is Your Old Body Considered a Halloween Costume? by The_peregrine_falcon (G, 3k, WangXian, Fluff, Canon Compliant, Post-Canon)
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6. Hello! Would anyone happen to know of any fics where the yin tiger seal takes a liking to Lan Wangji? @kedaliya
Little Death by sassybluee (E, 28k, wangxian, graphic depictions of violence, Canon Divergence, Dark WWX, Courtesan LWJ, Violent Thoughts, Resentacles, Mpreg, Magical Pregnancy, PWP, Heavy Angst with a Happy Ending, Pining while fucking, Bondage, Bottom LWJ, referenced lwj + others, Blood Drinking, YLLZ WWX, Near Death Experiences, accidental near death experiences, Dissociation, sentient resentful energy, Intersex, Lactation Kink, Cunnilingus, Nipple Play, Praise Kink, Dom/sub Undertones, Under-negotiated Kink, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Pregnant LWJ, Non-Consensual Body Modification) please read the tags n warnings tho :)
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7. ITMF the juniors crushing on handsome Wei Wuxian? It doesn’t have to be smutty or anything like actual serious crushes. I would love to see puppy love or them being in awe of how cool and powerful and charming he is. Thanks
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8. Hi there! Thank you for recommending so many great fics! A) Itmf fics where WWX overcomes his fear of dogs. B) Also itmf fics where LWJ rescues WWX from drowning. Many thanks 🙏
8A)
Imprints by Lisa_Telramor (G, 47k, wangxian, post-canon, humor, panic attacks, phobia recovery, poor life choices, JC & WWX reconciliation, dogs) WWX accidentally adopts a puppy. IIRC, he doesn't fully get over his fear. But he tries working on it, & is at least able to tolerate his own dog
Operation Barking Dog by RoseThorne (T, 20k, wangxian, JL & WWX, Fairy & MXY, WN & WWX, LSZ & WWX, LSZ & LWJ, Family, Mutual Pining, WWX Has a Fear of Dogs, Repaying Debt, Regret, Phobias, Trauma, Memories, Tree Climbing, There Was Only One Bed, Travel, JC in Seclusion, Cynophobia, POV Third Person, POV LWJ, Flowers, Grief/Mourning, WWX in MXY's Body, Pre-Slash, Cats, Dogs, Hair Braiding)
8B)
Ice Makes Warmth by donutsweeper (G, 1k, WangXian, Carrying, Drowning, Huddling For Warmth, Snow Storm) has a brief drowning and rescue scene
Hope Dangling by a String by KouriArashi (M, 70k, wangxian, canon divergence, fix-it, everyone lives, angst w happy ending, hurt/comfort, psychic bond, telepathy, communication, emotional/psychological abuse, jiang family feels, lan family feels, canon-typical violence, canon-typical politics, improper use of sacred forehead ribbons, gratuitous hair washing) note -- it's a long fic & the drowning thing is a major plot point in the last quarter of the fic
🔒🧡 rain falls and soaks into the earth series by RoseThorne (T, 53k, WangXian, WIP, Near Death Experience, Attempt Drowning, Madam Yu Bashing, Recovery, No war AU) can't remember if lwj saves him but wwx almost drowning is a major part of this series
this storm that should not be by TheDameJudiWench (G, 6k, WangXian, Hurt/Comfort, Drowning, Family Dynamics) also a fic where Jiang Cheng saves wwx from drowning? Not sure if requester #8 is interested. Might work for #4 as well, ymmv
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9. Hello thank you for all your hard work! Itmf fics with some quality found family similar to Come Around and Stay, The Martial Arts Instructor Fic You Didn’t Know You Needed, or if you can’t beat them, recruit them. Or with a really great sense of community, like the one fic about the a**hole dog. Modern era preferred but not necessary.
leave all your love and your longing behind by ScarlettStorm (E, 14k, WangXian, Modern AU, no magic, Meet-Ugly, Panic Attacks, autistic lwj, neurodivergent wwx, the neighborhood asshole dog, if you've met one then you know, Hurt/Comfort, Pining, Minor Angst, major shenanigans, Happy Ending, for everyone including the asshole dog, Eventual Smut, switch rights, Sex Toys, horny yearning, Masturbation) asshole dog fic (link to podfic in #14)
Just Ask Me To Stay by mrcformoso (M, 21k, wangxian, past JZN/WWX, modern, Dancer WWX, Musician LWJ, Roommates, Best Friends, Friends to Lovers, Break Up, Post-Break Up, Recovery, Family, Realizing Your Best Friend is the Love of Your Life, WWX Has Self-Esteem Issues, And LWJ is not having it, Sex as Self Worth Reaffirmation, Light Angst, Anal Sex, Anal Fingering, Oral Sex, Domestic Fluff, LWJ Has a Big Dick, WWX Has a Breeding Kink, Size Queen WWX, Belly Bulge, Porn With Plot, Seriously there is a lot of plot, WWX Has Friends, LWJ Has Friends, Hurt/Comfort, A lot of comfort, Romantic Comedy, Cute, Feel-good)
🧡 Faire thee well by Scrippio (T, 77k, WangXian, ChengQing, XuanLi, 3Zun, Modern AU, Renaissance Faire, Mutual Pining, Fluff, Domestic Fluff, Slow Burn)
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10. Itmf fics where
A) wangxian have marital problems like fights, and B) in connection to A, in which after a big fight, wwx being heartbroken just gives up and does something big and lwj is heartbroken too.
C) books which have scenes like, something really sweet and hearty and next moment we realise that this sweetness was only for this bad , very bad thing to happen next.
10 A/B) KILF (Knits I'd Like To Fuck in) by ScarlettStorm (E, 168k, wangxian, modern, sex work, fiber arts, 2nd in series) has a pretty big fight and reconciliation (though they aren’t married) in chapters 17-18
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11. Hello! It's my first time using this blog to look for a fic. I hope I'm doing it right. I'm in the mood for a longer (at least 20k) fanfic, preferably completed but can be WIP as well. I would like an omegaverse fic where neither Wei Wuxian nor Lan Wangji are feminized. I would prefer the fic to be plot-heavy as well. I would love Wangxian to be the main pairing but I'm okay with others as well. Thank you for your hard work. @broodyelii
Coincidence is Another Man's Fate by TriviasFolly (M, 164k, wangxian, rape/non-con, modenrn, A/B/O, Alpha LWJ, Omega WWX, Sexual Harassment, Implied/Referenced Sexual Harassment, WangXian play the long game, UNTIL THEY DON'T, Getting Together, fated pairs, Eventual Attempted Sexual Assult and Recovery, Office au, Mpreg)
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12. Are there any fics featuring a) Fierce Corpse LWJ, or b) NMJ being kept around as a fierce corpse? I've checked the 'Fierce Corpse x' tags for those characters, but there are fewer fics than I'd expected considering how much potential those ideas have, so I'm wondering if there are other fics out there without those tags? @thispatternismine
12A)
blue skies forever Series by rikke (M, 11k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, major character death in a necromantic way, necrophilia also in a necromantic way, canon divergence with the bad ending route, lwj is wwx’s corpse boyfriend)
12B)
A Bell That Tells Us to Rise and Fight by DeerstalkerDeathFrisbee (T, 120k, wangxian, JC/WQ, JYL/JZX, SL/XXC, Canon Divergence, Arranged Marriage, Everyone Lives au, Everyone Needs A Hug, Women Being Awesome, WQ is a goddess, content warning for JGS, content warning for XY, content warning for JGY, WWX's terrible awful brilliant plans, Yunmeng Bros, JYL is an angel, BAMF Women, I take it back NMJ still dies, Minor Character Death, NMJ is BACK and he is NOT HAPPY, MM is not paid enough for this shit)
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13. for the next itmf, i was wondering what are some of the best, most gut wrenching, golden core reveal fics you have ever read? it can be the main focus of the fic or one moment in a long multi chapter but the reveal is a huge part and is beautifully written? hopefully with a happy ending but anything dramatic is appreciated. thanks in advance.
we’re starting at the end by Miss_Enthusiasimal (M, 92k, wangxian, JC & WWX, time travel, canon divergence, implied/referenced suicide, golden core reveal, hurt/comfort, angst, starvation, self harm, cannibalism, amputation, sunshot campaign) I like how the core transfer reveal hits in this fic
golden as they come (but he's bleeding out) by Shializaro (T, 14k, WIP, WangXian, Poisoning, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Hurt WWX, Post-Sunshot Campaign, Pre-Phoenix Mountain Hunt, references to canibalism, POV LWJ) read their works they make me cry
A Mother’s Love by FirefliesNLightningBugs (M, 170k, WangXian, XuanLi, Canon Divergence, Somebody Lives/Not Everyone Dies, Mostly combo of the Untamed and MoDaoZuShi timelines, Unreliable Narrator, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Happy Ending, Miscommunication, Family Feels, Found Family, PTSD, Post-Sunshot Campaign, Political Intrigue, Mystery, POV Multiple, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Strong Female Characters, Additional Warnings In Author’s Note, Good Brother In Law JZX, Genderbent WWX, Intersex WWX, not a/b/o, POV Original Character, Expanded Universe, Unplanned Pregnancy, Golden Core Reveal, WWX Has No Golden Core, Cultivation Sect Politics, Bisexual WWX, YLLZ WWX, Yunmeng Shuangjie, Pining WangXian, Parent-Child Relationship, Getting Together, Protective Yúnmèng Jiāng Sect, MXY Lives) Happens in first few chapters. And a focus on the Jiang siblings' relationship is a continuing theme throughout the fic
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14. In the mood for some good new podfics!
[Cold Read Podfic] leave all your love and your longing behind by Rionaa (E, 10-15 hrs, WangXian, Modern AU, no magic, Meet-Ugly, Panic Attacks, autistic lwj, neurodivergent wwx, the neighborhood asshole dog, if you've met one then you know, Hurt/Comfort, Pining, Minor Angst, major shenanigans, Happy Ending, for everyone including the asshole dog, Eventual Smut, switch rights, Sex Toys, horny yearning, Masturbation) (link to fic in #9)
Teen Project to Change the world (PODFIC) by animeloverhomura, sandradaffodils (Not Rated, 1-1.5/1.5-2 hrs, WIP, WangXian, XuanLi, Watching the Show, With a bit of the Manhua and Book thrown in, Characters Watching Their Series, characters watching the future, BAMF WWX, Fix-It, jgs is his own warning, Attractive WWX, Homophobia, Disturbing Fluff)
[Podfic] lovely thorns and singing crows by semperfiona_podfic (semperfiona) (E, 4-4.5 hrs, WangXian, Modern AU, Addams Family Vibes, meet cute at a funeral, Madam Lán Lives, Light Horror, Curses, Possession, Fluff and Humor, Developing Relationship, Found Family, Weirdo4weirdo wangxian, Eventual Smut, Blow Jobs, Hand Jobs, Audio Format: Streaming, Audio Format: MP3, Audio Format: Download, Audio Format: M4B)
[PODFIC] this humble fox by lostsometime (T, 3-3.5 hrs, WangXian, XiYao, ChengSang, SongXiaoXue, MingSu, Canon Divergence, Creatures & Monsters, Fox Spirit WWX, Minor Character Death, Espionage, Sunshot Campaign, Scheming JGY, Scheming NHS, little dogs for nhs, Slow Romance, War, Happy Ending, Somebody Lives/Not Everyone Dies)
[Podfic] kick at the darkness 'til it bleeds daylight by contributor-sky (deepestbluesky), esbielle was also here (esbielle), glittercracker, GodOfLaundryBaskets, jellyfishfire, kisahawklin, Koontyme, Rionaa, semperfiona (T, 7-10 hrs, WangXian, Hurt/Comfort, Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Eventual Happy Ending, Getting Together, Burial Mounds Settlement Days, Inspired by The Parent Trap (1998), Kid Fic, teen shenanigans, two a-yuans, Fluff and Angst)
[Podfic] decay by zaffre (G, 1.5-2 hrs, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Angst, Misunderstandings, Miscommunication, big sister wq, warnings for wwx's typical level of self-care, Fix-It, Angst with a Happy Ending, the fluffiest ending, Hurt/Comfort)
The Martial Arts Instructor Fic You Didn't Know You Needed [PODFIC] by enbysaurus_chats (enbysaurus_rex), enbysaurus_rex (M, Over 20 hrs, WIP, WangXian, Modern AU, Martial Arts, Accurate Martial Arts, Not Canon Compliant, WWX Has ADHD, Autistic LWJ, Mutual Pining, WWX being cute with kids, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Trans WWX, Trans WN, Trans JC, Trans OYZZ, PTSD, Slow Burn, BAMF WN, Aro WN, Queerplatonic Relationships, Chronic Illness, Polyamory Negotiations, Found Family, JC & WWX Reconciliation, Tags at the beginning of each chapter)
[Podfic] Take Some Advice Paesano by jennisaisquoi (M, 45-60m, WangXian, Modern AU, Mob, Mafia AU - Clown Version, Humor, Mistaken Identity, Getting Together)
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15. Itmf fics w/ a similar premise to "Cleaning & Courtship" by Winxhelina on ao3. Where being a servant in a cultivation household is actually a specialized skill cause you can't damage spiritual tools or accidentally unleash curses while doing the dusting. But its a high demand w/ low supply & snotty rich cultivators.
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16. Itmf fics where the wen take on wei wuxian's name, esp as a way to hide
only the dead (have seen the end of war) by comforting_monachopsis (T, 42k, WangXian, XuanLi, Temporary Amnesia, BAMF WWX, Sad LWJ, Grief/Mourning, Loneliness, Mild Gore, Medical Inaccuracies, Poetry, Secret Identity, Loss of Identity, Identity Porn, The Science of Cultivation, Good Older Sibling LXC, Good Older Sibling NMJ, Good Older Sibling WWX, NMJ is a Himbo, NHS Ships It, NHS is a Crafty Bitch, This Is Not Going To Go The Way You Think, Angst and Humor, Crossdressing, WWX is Bad at Feelings) It’s brief but they do in comforting_monachopsis’ only the dead (have seen the end of war) Also, check out the YilingWei Sect tag, because that tends to happen a lot in there
🔒 the thread may stretch or tangle but it will never break by RoseThorne (E, 88k, WIP, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Soulmates, Self-Esteem Issues, Fix-It, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Nightmares, PTSD, Handfasting, Panic Attacks, Getting Together, First Time, Aftercare, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Torture, Scars, Chronic Pain, Golden Core Reveal, First Time, Switching, sex-related injury, LWJ Stays at the Burial Mounds, LSZ is a Wèi, Good Sibling JC, Dissociation, Burial Mounds Settlement Days)
🧡 Never Again by Hauntcats (T, 67k, WangXian, WWX & WQ & WN, Canon Divergence, Time Travel, Golden Core Transfer Fix-It, Angst, Not JC Friendly, BAMF WWX)
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17. Itmf fic where wwx has another pseudonym and reputation that's fairly well known, but isn't associated with him. Kinda secret identity fics
The Scarlet Lotus by rainbowninja167 (M, 137k, WangXian, Marriage of Convenience, Secret Identity, Fix-It, Angst with a Happy Ending, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Canon-Typical Violence, canon-typical war crimes, Yunmeng Bros, the mortifying ordeal of getting seduced by your own husband, nonlinear chronology we die like cql, just kidding nobody dies in this fic, Slow Burn, Mutual Pining, Miscommunication) when I say I dug through 23 pages of my history for this one…
❤️ By Any Other Name by ShanaStoryteller (Not Rated, 31k, Wangxian, Canon Divergence, Crossdressing, Misunderstandings, Identity Porn, Identity reveal, Polski Translation Pod każdym innym imieniem by tehanu, [PODFIC] By Any Other Name by sakizar) in which WWX hides his resurrection with a new ID courtesy of Jiang Cheng
Rest is Revolution Series by MarbleGlove (G/T, 32k, XuanLi, WangXian, Fix-It, Post-Sunshot Campaign, this might be crack, Niè Cultivation, BAMF NHS, BAMF JYL, Canon Divergence, Madam Lán Backstory, Getting Together) I’m joking but Rest is Revolution series by MarbleGlove is a bit like that
only the dead (have seen the end of war) by comforting_monachopsis (T, 42k, wangxian, JYL/JZX, temporary amnesia, BAMF WWX, sad LWJ, grief/mourning, loneliness, mild gore, secret identity, loss of identity, identity porn, angst, humor, crossdressing)
travelers through the empty gate by stiltonbasket (M, 99k, WIP, WangXian, Royalty, Emperor WWX, Mistaken Identity, Poor LWJ, Bookshop owner LWJ, Intrigue, Court Drama, Forced Marriage, Confused WWX, POV Alternating, Parenthood, Misunderstandings, Empress LWJ, Requited Unrequited Love, Fluff, Humor, Married Life, Angst with a Happy Ending)
the devil's resting place by fuckingspacequeen (M, 27k, WIP, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Grief/Mourning, Mistaken Identity, Canonical Character Death, Canon-Typical Violence, Sentient Burial Mounds, Angst with a Happy Ending, JC & LWJ Friendship, POV LWJ, Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies)
Lay my body down by tawaen (M, 48k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Time Travel, Rogue Cultivator WWX, Eventual WangXian, No Golden Core Transfer, Not Cultivation World Friendly, Canon-Typical Violence, Not JC Friendly)
Wei Wuxian, Who’s That? by bumbledees (T, 48k, wangxian, crossdressing, pining, sibling feels)
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If you didn’t get an answer to your ask here, don’t forget to make use of @mdzs-kinkmeme and MDZS KINK MEME on Dreamwidth. Authors actually do use them for ideas. You may get what you order!***Your prompt doesn’t have to be kink! Fluff, crack, whatever - it’s all good!***
#wangxian#mdzs#wangxian fic recs#i'm in the mood for a fic#the untamed#wangxian fic search#wangxianficfinder#long post
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I’ll never kill. Ever again.
OK, so I didn't catch the significance at first, but after having absorbed the other Trigun canons, it really stands out to me. From "Millions Knives":
In the English dub, Vash's words are similar: "I’ll never kill. Ever again."
Correct me if I'm wrong, but in the manga and 1998 canons, Legato is in fact the first person that Vash ever actually kills.
Though arguably he does hurt people very badly in the manga, his pacifism is generally about doing the least possible amount of harm to resolve a situation.
So when Stampede Vash says he HAS killed in the past, what is he referring to? Is it his guilt over The Big Fall? Nai did a number on him by retroactively making Vash feel as though the blood of that is on his hands, by showing Nai the access code to the SEEDS05 computer. Or is there something else that happened that we haven't seen yet, something where Vash ended up actually killing someone himself?
I think either way there's a difference between the Vashes here. 98 Vash is the most pure in his pacifism. He even goes out of his way to avoid harming anyone at all, if he can. He seems almost paralyzed by it at times, it even makes him freeze up in situations where he is faced with the choice to kill. 98 ends with him rejecting his obsession with Rem in order to stop Knives.
Manga Vash is frankly not afraid to draw blood, though he avoids it if he can. He has a lot more anger and escalates his willingness to harm with the danger of the situation. His refusal to kill is very tied up to his refusal of his own suicide and Rem's blank ticket speech. After Tesla, he chose to live because of Rem's love. Rem's love also saved the humans of NML. There's a whole transference here with him, where he needs to save the humans as part of him continuing to save himself from that suicidal urge that hasn't really gone away in all that time. And when he does finally give in to that suicidal urge at the end of Trimax, he does it with the mental context of giving his tomorrows to humanity just like Rem did. He embraces Rem’s path even more.
Stampede Vash though-- There's still a lot we don't know about what happened after Tesla. We know Rem gave the blank ticket speech. In the more limited examples we have, Vash absolutely minimizes harm to others, largely by drawing fire and running from it, and minimizes harm to himself. He is extremely controlled and precise in his use of force, again escalating only as much as absolutely necessary. He is actively trying to defuse situations and bring people together. The only times we really see Vash threaten anyone are his confrontations with Knives, and there's no sense that his heart is in actually harming Knives at all.
So is his pacifism a mixture of guilt over the Big Fall, and a need to carry on Rem's work and keep the humans and plants of NML alive just a little longer? Is that really about pacifism at all? If he did try to kill himself after Tesla, which is likely, how much is that driving him here? He is carrying a lot of pain, guilt, and shame, given his regular self-punishment.
And then there's this, in the same scene:
Brad tells Wolfwood that Vash's desire to save everyone on NML including Knives, is actually right.
This is absolutely fascinating to me. In 98, Brad is deeply antagonistic to Vash, partly out of jealousy over Jessica, but also because Vash goes out into NML and fights while Brad and the others in the Flying City hide in fear of "outsiders." Brad is a narrative critique of Vash's violence, and in the end he switches over and defends Vash, dying to save him.
In the manga, Brad is deeply antagonistic to Vash again out of jealousy over Jessica, but also he explicitly calls Vash a monster for his part in July and the Fifth Moon. Again, Brad serves as a critique of Vash, this time about the extreme destruction he's capable of. This is similar to Wolfwood's post-Dragon's Nest moment of doubt, where he seriously considered killing Vash to prevent Knives from using Vash's power ever again.
Stampede Brad is a narrative voice again, first antagonistic as his other counterparts, suspicious of Vash's very nature. But quickly enough he comes around and ends up as one of Vash's parental figures. And when Wolfwood doubts Vash for wanting to save everyone, Brad defends Vash. He says Vash is strong enough to find a way to make his dream happen. In contrast to so many others, instead of telling Vash to take a side, Brad says everything isn't black and white. And in fact SEEDS03 is actively working on a solution that will help Vash's dream happen, by trying to terraform NML with flora.
I think more than anything, Stampede Vash is defined by hope. He has people already trying to make a better NML. He goes out into the world and helps people and stops violence in order to keep plants and humans alive long enough for Luida's terraforming plan to succeed.
Roberto is another narrative voice. In "Humans", when Conrad shows off his work, all in the name of remaking the human race for survival without plants, Roberto calls him out, saying that his dream is not worth the cost of his monstrous abuse of innocents. Knives and Conrad's "dream" is one of humans and plants living completely separately, without depending on each other.
All of which is to say, in 98 the core inner conflict was Vash's fixation with Rem, and his refusal to kill reflected that. In the manga, the core inner conflict was the transference of Vash's denial of suicide, and his refusal to kill reflected that.
Stampede's core inner conflict so far appears to be abuse and isolation vs love and connection. The struggle of finding a way to survive while minimizing harm to others. This changes Vash's refusal to kill yet again. And all the more fascinating if Vash has already broken that ideal, if it's not a psychological block or obsession like 98 and the manga, but the choice he makes from lived experience and regret. Vash as a kind person having suffered greatly to learn his kindness.
All of which has massive ramifications for story elements that are entirely focused on Vash's refusal to kill. Such as Wolfwood. Perhaps that's part of why Wolfwood's story arc from the manga has already been largely completely by "High Noon at July". Wolfwood might still have no obvious compunction against killing, but Vash has already started to open up his heart. Wolfwood killed Rollo because he had no hope for Rollo or himself. And then Vash gave him hope for Livio, which is far more important to Stampede Wolfwood than what level of violence he should use. Even Livio shooting himself didn't take that away. Despite the destruction of JuLai, Wolfwood ends Stampede S1 with hope, for Livio and maybe even himself.
And also such as Legato. Perhaps that's why Legato's 98/manga obsession with Vash has been refocused towards Wolfwood in "Once Upon A Time In Hopeland/WOLFWOOD". Though I could certainly see Legato plotting a Death Game in revenge for "High Noon at July". Wolfwood is a safe target for Legato to transfer his anger at Knives. The big brother who needs to have his little brother taken away from him for his own good, to purify him.
Fascinating that Legato actually feels anger at Knives here, vs manga Legato who seems to be willing to accept any denigration with the eternal hope that Knives will show him a tiny speck of approval one day. Manga Legato wanted to destroy Vash as a gift for Knives, as proof of Legato's faith. Stampede Legato wants to punish Wolfwood because he can't punish Knives.
#trigun meta#trigun#trigun stampede#trigun maximum#trigun 1998#vash the stampede#nicholas d. wolfwood#legato bluesummers#trigun brad
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tw rape / abuse / suicidal ideation / self harm
can i just fucking say that the "poison" scene was just fucking flawless to me. as a survivor of rape and psychological abuse it was so fucking hard to watch and hit on every note i wanted it to. the suicidal ideation, the self destruction, the pain, the torment, the addiction, the hopelessness, everything.
[this got long LOL big analysis of ep4 basically]
also it's a little funny how easily i called it when the pilot came out that angel was gonna have ptsd and cope with it through hypersexuality . like this was obvious from the start to me and they do telegraph / foreshadow it from the first episode pretty well in my opinion. like ALMOST too much. but at the same time i'm kind of glad. like that's what i like about the show is that it *is* so raw and over the top when it talks about this kind of thing. that's why i like campy edgy uncomfortable shit bc where the fuck else am i gonna hear anyone specifically hit the perfect sweet spot of just exploitative-feeling enough to feel palpably uncomfortable in a way that just like. perfectly conveys this message. in my opinion, obviously.
it's like so crazy to me that i had this exact high expectation for the show and adjusted for edginess and got exactly what i wanted and then some. like. god. they hit every note in succession all at once and then tied it off with a beautiful, nuanced but genuinely well paced and well thought out resolution.
"loser, baby" was so fucking perfect as the counterpoint to "poison" in this episode. also charlie coming in and being purehearted but not knowing what she's doing and making it worse. but angel ultimately understanding that she meant to help and it's not her that's the problem obviously. and then husk is ultimately the one to give a shit about angel (with some encouragement, which like i honestly appreciate that he doesn't take angel's bullshit and isn't just the like Token Black Savior who has no character or agency of his own [of course i'm white so don't take me as the authority on this issue but i'm certainly aware of it]) and like not only try to stop him from self destructing but like relate his experience and make him admit he has a fucking problem. sooooo much of abuse is built on making the victim think they're at fault for what they're going through. the way val makes him look in the mirror and say "yes" outloud to himself over and over while literally holding his head and threatening him was such a good way of driving that home. and then we see angel have so much pride poked at so easily when he's called fake because he's SO aware he's putting on an act. he lets himself be exploited because he thinks it gives him a sense of control. can't be called fake if i'm an actor. can't prove i'm ever real. never have to BE real. never have to admit that anything is wrong and come to terms with it.
and so husk comes right the fuck out and says it. you're a loser. you're washed up. you're a has been. you're self destructive. you hurt everyone around you. ..... and you're not alone. THAT'S the important part. that's the real thing that gets you out of abuse. people. not being alone. like not just KNOWING that THEORETICALLY you're not alone but actually having people show up and help you and put in the work and relate to you and listen to you and let you listen to them. that's why abusers chronically work to isolate people. because it's so much easier to exploit someone who has absolutely no support system. who only answers to them. who has no one to turn to if shit goes sour.
ok also the fucking hypersexual self harm? i have NEVER seen that portrayed so accurately and so explicitly before. i feel like basically every single time i see it talked about at ALL in media it's either 1) portrayed as like sexy or ultimately good 2) strays totally the opposite direction and is talking more about cycle of abuse shit (which yes that's also important but not what i'm after) 3) really just hinted at / i have to like extrapolate it from vague hints or 4) exists in shitty media that is not ultimately trying to tell a story about escaping abuse it's just talking about a tragic waif and trying to make you feel sad. which is just another kind of exploitation really. so it was very refreshing to see it made very clear that angel was going around *trying* to get drugraped (which is NOOOOOT the same as consent. but i'm not going to get into that) because he was trying to hurt himself. he knew it wasn't good for him and he sought it out anyway. he could have wound up dead and he did not care. that's how low his self esteem is. that's how little he thinks of himself. that's how absolutely terminal his suicidal ideation is. i like used the word 'passive' at first but no i would not call that passive he is clearly actively suicidal hsuidguhds (ftr passive suicidal ideation is like. 'i wish i could go to sleep and not wake up.' but not actually acting on it. active is when you start purposely not looking both ways when you cross the street. that's basically what angel was doing)
anyway yeah. ep4 was kind of the peak for me i'm ngl HUIDGHIS obviously i'm very excited to see where things are going in general but especially more huskerdust........ i would like live if they didn't actually end up together but it feels clear to me that they genuinely care about each other and at least angel does seem to have... romantic-leaning feelings for him. would be cool if they had some scene where husk is like just cuz i care about you doesn't mean i'm going to be your magic saviour through love or whatever. bc i feel like it would be so easy for angel to immediately want and/or expect that. i did personally coming out of my abuse where i was absolutely desperate for real actual non-abusive love of any kind but i was NOT remotely healthy enough to truly accept it then even if it had actually been handed to me and i wound up in something that was..... better, yes, but ultimately still toxic and not completely ideal. not abusive, no, just not like. healthy. lol. but i do have good healthy happy love now so i'm glad lol <3 but like anyway this is a common thing with abuse survivors and it would *make sense* to see it but like i wouldn't put it past them to just go straight into "and then angel got better immediately and they got together and everyone lived happily ever after the end" HSDUIGSHUID but like idk man. we'll see LOL
also i did want to comment on like...... the fact that the scene was worked on by someone with a legit rape fetish who was like straight up into angel/val as a ship and thought it was like cool and fun or whatever. like. i really don't think the scene itself came off as glorifying rape or abuse. it's blatantly obvious that it's not good and the emphasis is placed entirely on angel's pain. and like it's. it's not porn. it's evocative. it's explicit. but the purpose of the scene is not "look at this hot sexy sex" it's "look at this horrifying abuse". like yes obviously there are gonna be people who get off on it but people can get off on anything if they try hard enough. porn is art explicitly meant for jacking off. not everything about sex is porn. i think if you interpret it as glorifying sex you're honestly out of your goddamn mind. the song ends with angel talking about how he wants to fucking die because of it. is that glorification to you?? really???
ultimately, *I* think it's good. i think, objectively, the team did an extremely good job. give them an award or something. i swear. where's the oscar. my boy angel needs his oscar LOL
... one last note, because this is tumblr: this is very triggering material. probably it should've had a better warning of some kind. but it is telegraphed/foreshadowed like i said and the show is rated 16+ on amazon (i feel like it should be 18+ imo but it's like. it's repeatedly listed as being for adults/"R rated" in promo material at least) and sex and violence are listed right there at the top of each episode where it shows the rating so like. idk man. that's as much warning as is usually given for this kind of thing ngl. i absolutely am not saying it's not triggering. but it is important to portray triggering things. it is important to talk about these things to give people in these situations someone to relate to and to give them the language to understand how to escape abuse, first of all, and like also art in general *should* be challenging. i think they genuinely said important, unique things and said them well. they did wayyyy better than i thought they would. for real. like esp coming from viv knowing her past like. clearly someone in the room actually knew what they were doing lmao (one of the writers for hazbin also worked on the episodes in helluva that covered similar abuse recovery material so. you know)
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INSIDE JOB PART 2 Spoilers: Ron and Reagan
Honestly, I feel like people are a bit too hard on Ron in the finale. I feel like his feelings about not wanting to be involved with the Shadow Governments are perfectly reasonable and, if Reagan weren't so attached to her colleagues and Brett, and wasn't as ambitious in her career path, she would have immediately gone with him.
I don't think Reagan or Ron is wrong for their feelings. That's kind of the point: they care about each other but ultimately have different priorities. And, also, they're both clearly traumatized from their own experiences and trying to work it out in different ways.
Like, Ron is clearly self-destructive and pushes people away when he feels he's unable to connect with them. I think that's part of why Brett initially disliked him; Ron has little drive to appeal to others and is perpetually disconnected because of his own trauma. Brett starts to like him when he becomes more sincere in his approach. Not to mention, he's low-key kind of suicidal; he doesn't seem to want to die, but his obsession with memories seems to stem from his intense guilt. He was raised Catholic and clearly harbors intense shame for his entire life, and has spent his entire career doing awful shit, so he feels weighed down by his own brain and his own existence. The way he describes his experience drinking an entire vat of memory-erasing fluid sounds like he's describing a suicide attempt to Reagan. In the end, the only way Ron was able to free himself from his perpetual guilt is to forget it all, and he just assumed the same for Reagan, by assuming that this guilt was something they had in common. And he's not ENTIRELY wrong; Reagan has expressed countless times how much she's hated her job and her coworkers, so, naturally, he assumed she'd be excited to run away from it all with him.
Reagan, is not like that at all, though. She is constantly curious, determined, and angry. She doesn't resign herself to sit back and let the world burn, she wants to DO something. And erasing all of her memories would serve no purpose to her, because she prioritizes her own autonomy and mind, and her connections to others as above her own sense of peace. (plus, Rand has erased her memories before, and she probably doesn't want to go through that again). To Ron, ignorance is bliss and truth has caused him great pain, but to Reagan, ignorance blinds her to the truth of the world. It blinded her to how awful her father was, of how to open up to others, and how to accept the unfairness of the world.
Besides, and this might be a hot take, Ron is ABSOLUTELY correct when he says Reagan should quit her job. Every episode shows that Cognito is basically a zoo full of insane, awful people, Reagan has had to deal with monsters of all kinds, has nearly died on several occasions, and her coworkers are all assholes (even if they do care for her deep down). Remember, Ron hasn't seen everything we've seen of the company, and from his reactions, it seems the Cognito is WAY more dysfunctional than the Illuminati, meaning that Reagan is in even more danger. I mean, a halloween party culminated in everyone getting contaminated with a virus in which everyone wants to be his friend (and as someone with social anxiety, that is my worst nightmare). Ron even says that every time they get together in public they nearly die.
And you might say, "well, why doesn't Ron just quit and let Reagan work?" Even if he did, he'd have to live with the constant fear of his girlfriend/potential wife possibly dying from whatever horrific event is happening at her job that day, and their relationship (as shown in the alternate timelines) would eventually deteriorate, because its extremely difficult to control the entire world and lead a fulfilling romantic life at the same time. Even in Part 1, Bear-O said that her job at Cognito makes her life more difficult. Ron's whole Appleton plan would start them off with a clean slate.
A clean slate isn't what Reagan wants. She would lose all that she's worked for, and she would never give that up. In the end, they both lost what they wanted (each other) and got what they needed (Ron gets peace, and Reagan gets her means to make actual change).
If anything, I feel that Reagan and Ron's relationship, in some ways, is a direct parallel to Rand and Tamiko's relationship. Both Rand and Reagan want to rule the world, but they have someone they love who simply can't accept it and continue as if nothing is wrong. The difference between Rand and Reagan is that, while Rand insists that he can have both the entire world and the validation of this one person, Reagan knows she can't have both and lets Ron go, because she loves him.
#inside job netflix#ron statler#inside job Ron#reagan ridley#reagan ridley inside job#inside job#ij#ij spoilers#inside job part 2#inside job part two#inside job rand ridley#inside job rand#rand ridley
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I couldn’t find the answer to this question on your blog (most likely I didn’t search well 😅). Why did Griffith sleep with Charlotte? It was quite a risky move
Hmm, I could've sworn I had answered this question before, but I can't find a post directly answering it at the moment.
Briefly I think there were four main reasons:
1 - He wanted comfort, and Charlotte is attracted to him.
2 - He wanted to hide in his invulnerable white knight persona. Charlotte doesn't know him, she's never seen his flaws, she thinks he's perfect, and he wants to hide from his own flaws for a while, so he goes to her. He thinks Guts left him for all the things he hates about himself, so he seeks comfort from someone who thinks he's perfect.
3 - It's a way of telling himself that the dream is more important than Guts. Getting together with Charlotte is a step on the road to his dream, and it's a step he absolutely shouldn't be taking yet lol, but it's like he desperately wants to reach for his dream now that he's lost Guts, so he takes that step prematurely. It's a way of saying to himself that it's worth losing Guts if he achieves the dream, but ultimately it isn't, which imo is part of the reason he cries afterwards.
4 - It's a self-destructive act. He's very aware that it's risky, and it's a risk he seeks out to the point of being borderline suicide. I think this is actually the reason most pushed by the narrative, like when Rickert tells Guts that it's "because of you, Guts," and when Casca tells Guts that Griffith's no good without him, and when Guts reflects to himself, "Was it me? Was I the one who drove you...?"
So yeah, that's my reasoning. I do have a few other posts that touch on the scene with Charlotte in various ways, if you're interested too:
How it fits into a pattern of Griffith's relationship with sex
This one's also about that but heavier on parallels to Gennon
Repression
Gay repression
And a little bit more on self destruction
Thanks for the ask!
#ask#anonymous#a#b#theme: repression#theme: dreams#ship: griffith x charlotte#theme: self loathing#theme: self harm#scene: everlasting night#(wish i'd been using that all along so i could find posts easier lol)
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Darkness Declares Glory | Chapter 14 | S.R
Previous Chapter | Next Chapter
A/N - this fic deals with some very dark themes such as drug use, self-harm and suicidal ideation. Please proceed with caution and Minors DNI. There is a reader insert but it is very Spencer-centric.
Chapter Summary - Spencer makes a decision regarding Cat. But before he has a chance to follow through he makes a startling realisation that could very well be his undoing.
Pairing - Spencer Reid / Fem! Reader
Category - dark angst | smut | eventual happy ending.
Warnings - mentions of Cat Adam’s, talk of death penalty, therapy, brief mention of masturbation, swearing.
WC - 4.7k
Chapter 14 - Sympathy for the Devil
Another few days passed and there was still no sign of you. Either this really was all in his head or you were avoiding him. But honestly, Spencer didn’t have any free brain capacity to think about it.
His every waking thought revolved around Cat Adam’s and her death sentence and whether or not he had the strength to see her one last time. He wrote about it extensively in his journal, hoping getting it out of his head and onto paper would help him make sense of it all, but it didn’t.
If I see her then I’m basically admitting defeat, I’m playing my hand and letting her have a front row seat to the destruction she’s caused. There’s no hiding what I am. I can put on a smart suit and wear my best poker face but she’ll see right through me.
Cat always does.
She’ll see it in my eyes, the way she’s broken me beyond repair. She’ll be able to tell the full extent of the damage she’s done to me and I don’t want her to have the satisfaction.
But on the other hand, I’m still alive. I may be barely hanging on by a thread but I am alive. And she’ll be dead soon and a part of me wants her to see that she didn’t ruin me completely.
Just mostly.
One thing I do know absolutely is that this is the most I’ve wanted to relapse in weeks. I would kill a man right now for one more hit, one more shot of dilaudid.
I would wrap my hand around someone’s throat, squeezing until their pulse became thready beneath my fingers and watch as the life drained from their eyes. All for one more release.
That fucking bitch shattered me into so many pieces that I’m not sure I’ll ever be whole again. Yet I’m still thinking about seeing her because for whatever reason, I feel bound to her.
She wasn’t wrong when she said we were the same, prison showed me that I am more like her than I could have ever dreamed. When I hurt those men, when I poisoned the drug supply, I became bound to her in ways I never believed possible.
Maybe because she’s the only one who would understand. She’s the only person who could identify with the fact I liked hurting those men. And somehow that enslaved us. It bonded us in ways deeper than if her baby had been mine.
Don’t get me wrong, I hate her more than I ever thought it possible to hate another human being. I would have killed her with my bare hands if JJ hadn’t stopped me and I would have slept well. But her dying doesn’t change anything. Her dying doesn’t suddenly make me a better person. It won’t change the fact I was in prison, it won’t change the fact I am a drug addict.
Her death won’t make my life better or worse. The damage is already done, there’s no way to change that. But at least if she’s dead she might stop haunting my every dream, worming her way into every facet of my life.
Still, the question remains: am I strong enough to see her one last time before she’s put to death?
Maggie glanced up from the journal in her lap to Spencer who was fiddling with his sleeves and chewing on the inside of his cheek. He’d barely spoken in their sessions for days and he still didn’t want to talk about Cat, but reading his journal would help her get an insight.
“Who is Cat?” She asked placing her hands on the pages as if to absorb more information.
“She’s the reason I went to prison. She was a hitwoman. I outsmarted and arrested her so in return she had me arrested.” Spencer didn’t look at her.
“You know I have more questions, right?”
“I assumed as much. Go ahead.” He grazed his slowly growing nails over the back of his hand, able to scratch himself lightly now.
“You wrote about poisoning a drug supply and hurting people? What happened?” Her fingers drummed lightly on the page.
“I was being threatened in prison. If I didn’t help them move these drugs they would have killed me. I needed to buy myself some time. A lot of men ended up really sick, and I didn’t feel bad for it.” He scuffed his shoe on the carpet, watching the way his foot moved back and forth.
“I imagine it was dog eat dog. You had to look out for yourself.”
Spencer suddenly looked up at her, an almost dangerous look in his eyes.
“You don’t understand.” He frowned. “I wanted to kill those men. And not just for self preservation. I wanted them dead because I wanted to see how it would feel. I only felt bad that they didn’t die.”
He saw Maggie swallow before she tore her eyes off of him and looked back at his journal.
“And you mentioned a baby?” She changed the subject. “A baby that wasn’t yours but it could have been?”
“We never had sex.” He was quick to say. “She uh…she claimed to have me sexually assaulted by her partner but I never believed that was true.”
“Burying your head in the sand?” Maggie narrowed her eyes on him.
“No. The science doesn’t add up. The drugs she used to make me hallucinate flood the brain with serotonin. Its effects are similar to MDMA in that it’s nearly impossible to…uh…” he averted his gaze as his cheeks started to burn. “It’s difficult to get an erection.”
“I see.” Maggie was, as usual, unphased. “So this woman had you arrested and then pretended to be pregnant with your child. It all sounds like a power play.”
“Oh it is. Everything is a game to her. And I’m her pawn.”
“Why are you showing me this?” Maggie closed the journal and focused on him.
He thought it was fairly obvious.
“I need you to tell me what to do. She’s being executed in two weeks and I need to know if I should see her or not.” He continued scratching at the back of his hand. It wasn’t anywhere near as satisfying as when his nails were longer but it helped.
“I can’t tell you what to do, Spencer. That’s a decision you need to make on your own. You say you’re already struggling with your sobriety just thinking about her?”
“Yes.” He grinded his teeth. “Very much so.”
“Well then seeing her will only make that worse, surely?” She raised an eyebrow at him.
“But if I don’t see her, she’ll think she’s won. I can’t have her going to her grave thinking she beat me.”
“So maybe you should see her.”
“You’re no help.” He growled.
“I told you, I can’t make this decision for you. Only you can decide if you’re strong enough to handle seeing her.” She sat back in her chair and crossed her legs.
“I don’t think I am.” Spencer huffed. “But I won’t ever get another chance.”
“Think about it. You don’t need to make any rash decisions.”
But Spencer was the king of rash decisions. And so no sooner was he done with his therapy session he found himself at the bank of phones patients were allowed to use, dialling a familiar number. Luke answered on the second ring.
“Luke Alvez.”
“Hi, it’s me. Spencer.” Spencer leant against the wall, cradling the phone between his ear and shoulder.
“Hey, is everything ok?” Luke sounded concerned.
“Yeah, everything’s fine.” He took a breath and closed his eyes. “I want to do it.”
“To do it?” Luke’s frown could be heard down the phone.
“Yes. I want to see Cat before she’s executed.” Even as the words left his lips he wasn’t sure about them.
But he didn’t think he’d ever be sure. He could sit and think about it until he was blue in the face but he’d never be sure what to do either way. He’d regret seeing her and he’d regret not seeing her.
It was a catch twenty-two with no possible good outcome. So ultimately he just had to go with his gut. And his gut told him he needed to see her one last time. Saying it out loud made him instantly wish he had a needle of dilaudid waiting for him.
“You…seriously?” Luke swallowed.
“Yes. I need to prove to her she didn’t break me. I need her to see I’m still standing.” Barely, but I am.
“Ok. If you’re sure.”
He wasn’t sure, not in the slightest. But he was doing it regardless.
“Will you go with me?” Spencer suddenly sounded small and scared.
“Of course I will. We’re away on a case right now but we can do it as soon as I’m back.”
“Thanks Luke. And uh…don’t tell the others. They won’t understand.” Spencer opened his eyes and pushed himself away from the wall.
“I promise. Talk to you soon.”
“Bye.” Spencer hung up the phone, his hand shaking as he did so.
No good could come of him seeing Cat again. He just hoped it wasn’t the final nail in his coffin.
***
Spencer quite often found himself feeling as though he was drowning. Most of the time he barely kept himself afloat, sinking in a pool of his own misery. But actually drowning was a whole other thing.
“Keep kicking! Come on, you can do it!” Nick cheered him on while Spencer frantically waved his arms and tried to keep himself above water.
Now his walking was getting better Nick had suggested swimming to build up his strength. Spencer had never been a fantastic swimmer, but he was ok. He could at the very least stay adrift.
But with his injury, drowning seemed inevitable.
“Kick! Come on Spencer. You’re almost there!”
Spencer flailed his arms hoping he could reach the other side without using his legs too much but it only made his lower half sink and when his lower half sank he started to panic.
His t-shirt clung to his body, the water sodden fabric making him feel heavier. Nick had tried to get him to remove it but Spencer refused. It was bad enough not having trousers and his sweater on.
He needed to regroup. He needed just a second to fail before he could continue. He stilled his movements and let the water encompass him, rising over his head until he was completely submerged.
He told himself he could do this. It was only a few more metres and then he was done. He wasn’t giving up, no matter how much it hurt. He pushed himself back to the surface and inhaled deeply before forcing his legs to kick in time with his arm movements.
He blocked everything else out that didn’t strictly relate to kicking his legs. The side of the pool was getting closer and the burn spread down his thigh but it was a good kind of pain. It was the kind of pain that told him he was achieving something, he would make it to the other side both physically and mentally.
“Come on Spencer! You can do it!” A voice goaded him but it didn’t belong to Nick this time.
He frowned to himself as he pushed himself the last few feet and grasped the wall for dear life. When he wiped the water out of his eyes and the hair back off his face he looked up. You sat on the edge of the pool right in front of him, legs crossed and a proud smile on your face.
“You did it!” You cheered as Spencer just stared at you dumbly.
Soon Nick was by your side, helping Spencer out of the pool.
“That was great!” Nick grinned, helping Spencer sit up as he caught his breath.
He blinked a few times, briefly wondering what it was about Nick he’d thought so similar to Morgan. Sure they looked kinda alike, but not enough for Spencer to have made that connection. He shook his head and looked between you and Nick.
“Uh…you can see her right?” He frowned as he focused on Nick.
“Is that a trick question?” Nick asked in confusion.
“He thinks he’s imagining me.” You spoke with an amused smile. “Tell him he’s not crazy.”
“You’re not crazy.” Nick chuckled, squeezing Spencer’s shoulder. “I’ll leave you two to it.”
His parting gift was to toss a towel at Spencer which he wrapped around his shoulders and obscured himself with. You kicked off your shoes and rolled your jeans up to your calves before dipping your feet in the water.
“So, are you going to stop doubting yourself now?” You smiled while Spencer continued to stare at you.
“Never.” He scoffed, with a roll of his eyes which made you giggle. “I wish it were that simple.”
You stopped giggling at the change in his tone and narrowed your eyes on him. He hugged the towel close to him as though it was a security blanket. His wet hair fell on his forehead and small beads of water rolled down his face. His eyes were full of nerves the way they always seemed to be around you.
“The paranoia that comes with heavy drug use takes a while to kick.” You shuffled a little closer to him and you practically saw the beat his heart skipped.
“The thing is,” he chewed on his lip. “I don’t want you to be real.”
“Uh…wow thanks.” Your eyebrows knitted together.
“I don’t mean it how it sounds.” He was quick to counter. “It’s just…if you’re real…you’re not who I thought you were.”
You mused over his words for a moment knowing he wasn’t about to say anymore on the matter.
“You’re very cryptic sometimes, you know that?” Your lip up tugged at the corner.
“It’s all part of my mysterious charm.” He chuckled lightly.
You couldn’t agree more. There was something about him. Something you couldn’t put your finger on. Something that made you want to succumb to him, let him consume you.
You shuffled even closer and leant forward, placing your hands on his wet thighs. You saw his breath catch in his throat as you edged closer to him. Goosebumps flared on his flesh as you ghosted your fingertips over his skin.
He let go of the towel and his hands settled onto your waist but his eyes never left yours. You moved closer still, until your noses were brushing against one another’s.
He swallowed hard, completely engulfed in you. He could see every little freckle, every little blemish that graced your beautiful face and he tried to memorise every single one of them. He could feel the heat emanating from you and it wrapped around him, comforting him in ways he’d never felt before.
Your eyes fell to his lips and he instinctively ran his tongue along them. Your hands moved up his sides and your arms wrapped around his neck. He wanted to get lost in you. He wanted to throw caution to the wind and let you devour him. He wanted to belong to you again in the ways he’d missed so much.
Even if you weren’t real. Even if none of this was real. It was even more reason to take the plunge wasn’t it? But for some reason he couldn’t. He let his hands drop to his sides and his back straightened a little but you stayed close, clearly not sensing his hesitation.
“W-what are you doing?” He whispered, his breath fanning across your face.
“I don’t know.” You giggled lightly.
“You said…recovery. Your recovery comes first.” His breathing was heightened and he could so easily crash his lips against yours.
But he didn’t. Instead, he surprised you both when he sat back and shuffled away.
“It does.” You frowned. “But I…well now I just feel stupid.”
Spencer sighed and wrapped the towel around himself again.
“I didn’t mean to make you feel stupid. I just…you have no idea how badly I want to kiss you, Y/N. But you and I both know it’s not a good idea. Not like this.”
You chewed on your bottom lip and nodded although you weren’t sure you agreed.
“I’m scared too.” You blurted out, averting your gaze.
“What do you mean?”
“You said you were scared that this isn’t real, but I’m scared that it is.” You glanced back at him and he saw the tears behind your eyes. “In my experience fantasies last. Realities don’t.”
“Agreed.” He gave you a tight lip smile. “Maybe it’s better we just keep the fantasy a little while longer then.”
You nodded before pushing yourself up to your feet and then helped Spencer stand too. The sparks you felt when you took hold of his hands was undeniable, and judging by the way he looked at you, he felt them too.
You stayed in silence as you walked back towards your rooms but it was a heavy, palpable kind of silence. When you reached Spencer’s room you stopped and smiled softly at him.
“So do I get to see you flail about like a dying fish again tomorrow?” You teased him but Spencer didn’t seem in the least bit amused.
His back straightened and he tugged the towel tighter around his body.
“Uh…I’ve actually got a thing tomorrow.”
“A thing?” You frowned a little.
“Day release.” He sighed as he spoke.
“You got some big fancy plans?” You chuckled but he shook his head sadly.
“No.” He ran his fingers through his wet hair. “I need to visit someone.”
“Someone? Someone important?”
“I wouldn’t say that.” He sighed again, louder than before. “I’m visiting a prison inmate before their execution. I’m visiting the woman who ruined my life.”
You didn’t know what to say to that. Clearly he didn’t want to elaborate and it wasn’t your place to make him.
“Right. Ok.” You nodded, not wanting to pry.
“It’s a really long and messy story I don’t want to get into right now.”
“Fair enough.” You smiled a little as you stepped backwards. “I hope it goes…well? Not really sure what to say.”
“Me too.” He half-smiled, reaching for his door handle. “I’ll see you soon?”
“You surely will.” You smiled one last time before turning on your heels and continuing down the corridor.
Spencer heaved a sigh as he let himself into his room and collapsed on his bed. Tomorrow was going to be his hardest challenge yet. Coming face to face with Cat again would either make or break his recovery.
Although he already had a pretty good idea which one it would be.
***
He was silent for the entire car ride from PIW to Mount Pleasant. Luke tried making small talk but after getting nothing in return he gave up.
Luke had brought him a suit from his apartment along with a white shirt and red tie. It had been weeks since Spencer had dressed so well and admittedly he missed his comfy clothes he’d grown so accustomed to. The shirt felt scratchy against his still healing wounds. The tie felt like a noose around his neck.
He stared out the car window and scratched the back of his palm willing his nails to grow so he could pick at his skin. His chest was tight as though someone were sitting on it, like the weight of the situation was physical and pressing down on him.
He came close to several panic attacks, only just managing to pull himself back from the brink in time. Diverting from his scratching his fingers nimbly shimmied up his shirt sleeve and gripped the crook of his arm. The track marks had all but faded by now but he could feel the heavy pulse of his vein beneath his fingertips.
He pressed against it, wishing more than anything else that it was a needle and not his fingers. He squeezed against his vein in the hopes it would alleviate some of his cravings.
Maggie would tell him to masturbate. But even if he weren’t in a car with Luke in a completely inappropriate environment, he was sure his thoughts of his impending meeting would not allow for him to get it up. Instead he pressed harder against his vein, closing his eyes and imagining the dilaudid coursing its way through his body.
He envisioned the feeling of euphoria that flooded over him when he shot up. He remembered the sensation so well.With his eyes closed he didn’t realise Luke was watching him out of the corner of his eye. And when he felt a hand on his leg he jumped and his eyes darted open.
“We can still turn back. If this is too much for you?” Luke spoke softly.
Spencer recoiled his hand back out of his sleeve and shook his head. He had to do this. There was no turning back.
***
A shiver passed down Spencer’s spine as they stepped inside the women's correctional facility. His temperature plummeted the second the doors were closed behind them. He glanced at Luke who didn’t seem to notice, telling Spencer it was all in his head. Most things these days were, why should this be any different?
They were checked in and scanned by a metal detector where Luke had to hand over his service weapon and cell phone. Spencer remembered it well. He recalled coming here that day he was released from Milburn as though it was yesterday.
He recognised the long, dimly lit halls as they followed the guard to an interrogation room. The air was as thick and heavy as it had been the last time he was here. The last time he was here when Cat made him believe she was pregnant with his child. The last time when she’d made him think she’d had his mother killed.
The last time when he’d thrown a table across the room and shoved Cat against a wall by her throat. The last time when he’d growled at her that he was going to kill her while JJ tried to pull him off of her.
The guard silently led them to the small viewing room where Luke was supposed to wait while Spencer came face to face with the devil. The guard left them alone and Spencer kept his eyes trained on the floor, refusing to look at her through the two way glass. Luke was at his side and he soon felt the other man’s hand on his shoulder.
“It’s ok, I’ll be right here the whole time.” Luke whispered but Spencer shook his head.
“I need you to leave.” Spencer croaked out the first words he’d spoken since leaving the institute.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“Well I don’t very much care what you think, Luke.” Spencer looked at him, eyes filled with anger. “I need you to leave. Go get a coffee or something but I do not want you witnessing this.”
“Witnessing what, exactly?” Luke raised an eyebrow at him. “You going to finish the job you started last time? Choke her to death?”
“I don’t need to, do I? She’s going to be put to death soon. I just need you to trust me and I need you to leave. Please?” Spencer grinded his teeth.
A small part of Luke worried what might happen if he left. A tiny piece of him actually believed Spencer might kill her. And as much as Luke wouldn’t blame him for doing so, he didn’t want his friend going back to prison. Spencer couldn’t handle prison again.
“Promise me you won’t murder her?”
“I promise.” Spencer rolled his eyes.
“Fine. Come find me when you’re done.” Luke patted his back before skeptically leaving the room.
Once alone, Spencer took several deep breaths whilst rolling the purple and gold bracelet around his wrist. He kept his eyes trained on the floor the whole while, scared that he might break the second he saw her.
His heart beat furiously against his chest making him feel a little nauseous. His vein in his left arm felt like it was pulsating, begging for drugs. He was five weeks sober. This would not be the thing that pushed him over the edge. She couldn’t turn his life upside down again. He had to be stronger. He had to survive this. He had to prove to her that she hadn’t destroyed his life.
Taking one last deep breath he forced his eyes up and through the glass. The breath got caught in his chest as he laid eyes on her for the first time in over two years. She looked much the same, haggard and tired; fed up and frustrated.
She crossed one leg over the other and picked at a thread on her orange jumpsuit much like he did when he was uncomfortable. He gave a thought to what might have happened to her baby, the baby that wasn’t his but he had wished was.
“You’re not pregnant with my baby. That isn’t the secret. It’s too easy.” He slid the chair back out and sat down opposite her again.
“You think getting pregnant with your baby was easy?” She clicked her tongue.
“It’s not my baby.” He shook his head, leaning forward on the table closer to her. “But I wish it were. It should be mine. Because the truth is you and I probably belong together.”
A sentimental smile plastered across her face but he knew it wasn’t genuine. Sociopaths didn’t feel sentiment.
“You think so?”
He leaned even closer to her, not wanting JJ to overhear what he was going to say and hardly believing what he was saying himself.
“I do.” He confessed. “You’re the only person who really gets me. You’re the only person who understands that I liked hurting those men. So yes, I think you and I belong together. In some fucked up, twisted way, you and I are perfect for each other.
And I wish your baby was mine but it isn’t. I wish it were mine so I had something tying us together. And that fucking terrifies me to admit because for the most part, I hate you. For the most part I want you dead. But there is a small part of me that truly believes we are perfect for each other.”
He sat back, straightening his tie while Cat looked at him amusement.
“You’ll always be tied to me, Spencie. Baby or no baby. We’re bound to each other. We’re the same.”
He rubbed his eyes with his palms trying to rid himself of the memory of the last time he’d seen her. It didn’t do him any good to dwell on that now.
Only he couldn’t help himself.
Had he been thinking of you when he’d said those things to her? As much he wanted to deny it, he’d meant those things he’d said.
But what about you? You were who he belonged with. How could he have said those things to Cat and meant them while you were…
…while you were, what?
It all hit Spencer at lightning speed. The puzzle pieces that were his life started slotting into place right in front of his eyes. Everything became clear with startling clarity and suddenly Cat Adam’s was the last thing on his mind.
He quickly darted from the room, heart racing more fiercely than it ever had before. It all made sense yet nothing made sense. And there was only one goddamn person who was going to be able to provide clarity on the situation.
He was hyperventilating by the time he found Luke, sweating and shaking and barely able to breath. Luke was quick to his side, wrapping an arm around him and stroking his back.
“Reid, what’s wrong? What happened?” Luke panicked, eyes wide in fear.
“Need…need to…” Spencer choked out through ragged breaths.
“Just breath, Spencer. Don’t try and talk.” Luke tried to calm him but Spencer pushed him away.
“No.” He shook his head, forcing himself to focus on his words. “I need to speak to Emily right now. You get her here Luke. Get her here right fucking now!”
“Spencer, calm down. Take deep breaths.”
“No!” Spencer raised his voice. “Call Emily and tell her to come here. NOW!”
“Spencer, what’s going on? What happened?” Luke reached for him but Spencer batted him away.
“It’s time Emily and I had a talk.” He panted. “It’s time for her to tell me the truth about Y/N.”
@andiebeaword @muffin-cup @dirtytissuebox @dreatine @matthew-gray-gubler-lover @people-whatabunchofbastards @justreadingficsdontmindme @spencer-reid-wonderland @thebloomingeagle @tiredmilky @thatsonezesty13 @1mechanicalalligator @elle-28
#spencer reid#spencer reid smut#spencer reid fanfiction#spencer reid fanfic#spencer reid x reader#spencer reid x fem! reader#spencer reid x you#spencer reid x y/m#criminal minds#criminal minds fanfiction
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Dazai X Odasaku!Sister Ch6 and Ch7
Double Post:
Chapter 6: "Why Don't We Go On A Date?"
Chapter 7: "As Long As I Have You In My Life"
Summary: After Dazai's horrifying discovery that he is Odasaku's sister's "lifeline" and "only tie to her brother" the boy tries to give her something more permanent than a sad suicidal mistake like him.
Warning: pm! fifteen year old dazai, Dazai self destructing Odasaku death mentions, mention of torture/cruel training, manipulative behavior from both sides, underage drinking, talks of suicide. I gave Oda's sister a name but you can imagine it as y/n.
(This is chapter six and seven of my fanfic "Timeless" which is now on A03. It carries on from the three part intro I posted a couple days ago. I'll link it below to fully understand the story. Asagao's ability is to stop time for up to six seconds.)
Three Part Intro Here: (just cause the first chapter is so long)
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
A03 Version Here:
Word count: 10k total
Chapter 6:
Osamu..I think you’re a good man.
Six little words, six little words brought his entire world to a stand still.
The foolishness of them danced across Dazai’s brain over and over again trying to decipher anything and everything about them only to come up empty. He couldn’t comprehend them, he couldn’t form them into reality no matter how hard he tried.
So much so, that time passed by in a millisecond, Dazai staring at absolutely nothing, not present in the world at all.
The bustling laughter of children as they made their way to school, the soft music from the speakers of the nearby shops, the feeling of a soft breeze across his features, none of them registered inside his brain.
The only thing that did was the weight on his back, both emotional and physical as Asagao’s form slept motionless, unaware of the malfunction she had ushered by saying those six stupid, foolish and dangerous words.
Just then, his phone started to sound inside his pocket only for the executive to finally look down and pull the object out, the move causing Asagao’s lips to let out a disgruntled groan in the process in order to shift the back of her head further across his shoulder.
Answering the call, Dazai then heard a very familiar voice, pissed off per usual. “Hey Dazai! Where the hell are you!? I’ve been waiting for you to start this raid for three hours! You better get your sorry ass over here right now before I kick ya into next week, you hear me?!”
At that, the boy’s eyes couldn’t help but flash with realization. Oh yeah, that’s right. Chuuya and him were supposed to raid a rival organization's hideout today.
You see, the thing was, that whole little plan had slipped his mind because it was so utterly unimportant to him in every possible way.
So much so, the bandaged menace lifted an eye in amusement. “Oh yeah, I decided I’m not coming! I got more important things to do. So do your best in my place, kay?”
Lifting the phone away from his ear, he then waited as Chuuya’s voice shouted straight through the speaker, peaking the audio from how close he was to the device. “Ha?! You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me! You can’t just ditch!! What the hell do you gotta do instead?!”
Dazai then put a finger up to his lips before humming back teasingly. “So nosey Chuuuya, are you jealous?”
Almost immediately, the hot headed boy replied, disgusted by the notion. “Why the fuck would I be..!
Yet that’s when the mafioso smirked before reaching forward in order to wrap his fingers around one of Asa’s crimson strains of hair hanging by her back in order to speak suggestively. “If you must know, I’m spending my day with a beautiful woman. So now you see why I can’t be there for your little raid. I’m already gonna have my hands full with something else.”
The way he spoke those words, it was like he was implying something. Like he had just found another whore to sleep with and break for his own pleasure. And although that wasn't the case this time, Dazai knew that Chuuya would make the incorrect connection for him.
And a moment later, the idiot man did just that. “You sick bastard! I swear to god I’m gonna..”
Dazai only cut him off though, satisfied with the rage he had incurred before cheerfully replying back in a devious tone. “Oops! Seems like there's a bad connection. Gotta go, Chuuya! Now go be the good dog you are and capture that organization for me! Kay, byeee!”
Then before he could interject, the brown haired mafioso quickly hung up the phone before throwing it into the grass with a large sadistic smile.
Ah, that was better. Nothing like Chuuya’s idiot thinking to snap him back to reality.
Glancing back towards the sleeping Asagao, Dazai then lifted his hands up in order to physically push her head off of his shoulder only for the girl to groan in irritation, still not awake yet.
Dazai then turned his body only for Asa’s head to fall onto his lap instead, the sudden warmth causing her to snuggle deeper only for the boy to tense at the sudden contact. Did this girl have no shame? She was just cuddling up with a murderer like nothing.
Forcing himself to relax at the contact, the man then looked at her in exasperation. Damn, this girl slept like a rock. He supposed he’d have to try something else.
Lifting his hands up, he then slipped his fingers around the large circular frames of her glasses in order to pull them off slowly with hum. “Time to wake up, sleeping beauty. Being so defenseless around a man like me, it’s not a wise decision.”
She didn’t respond though, causing the boy to then narrow his expression before pressing his forefinger straight in the middle of her forehead roughly and poke the surface only for her to finally flop her eyes open with a whine. “Samu..”
What was going on? She was so warm, so comfortable.
Hold on, why was Osamu in her dreams?
Just then, Asa then seemed to register the situation before she blinked in realization in order to propel her head off of his lap and gasp. “Osu?!”
Laughing at her confused state, Dazai then turned his head towards the fumbling girl. “Good afternoon, sweetheart. Glad you could join us today.”
Asagao was still groggy though, the events of last night not fully registering as she placed a hand to her head. “W-What? What happened? Why was I…”
Yet Dazai was happy to cut her off, his voice coming out pained and over dramatic as he held his back with a fake little pout. “You fell asleep on me and now my back really hurts. You’re so mean, Asa-channn making me stay here like this. Owwie..It was so uncomfortable!”
It wasn’t really, but the boy wasn’t about to tell her the real reason why he had stayed complacent the whole time. He didn’t want her to know that he had malfunctioned beyond basic human understanding.
That just the mere belief in him had caused the boy to unravel.
Asa only turned her head though, not really buying his “poor me” act in the slightest. “But you stayed here this whole time? Why didn’t you wake me up?”
Almost immediately, the girl was confused. She knew Dazai wasn’t a touchy kind of guy, so the fact that he had willingly let her sleep on his shoulder for hours wasn’t in his character. So why had he done it? Why had he allowed such a thing?
And that was the question wasn't it? Why didn’t Dazai wake up, why did such a simple yet foolish statement cause him to lose sight of reality. It was stupid, he was stupid for it. Those words didn’t even mean anything. So why was he so enamored by them all the same?
But of course, he said none of those things, his mind an impenetrable fortress as he only smiled goofily in order to cover up his own conflict. “How could I when you looked so cute?”
Asa didn’t even blink though, seeing through his facade in an instant. “I’m being serious Osu, you didn’t have to stay here for hours. You should’ve just thrown me off. I’m sure you had something important to do today.”
That’s what he should’ve done, both of them knew it. Dazai wasn’t the kind of man to just selflessly allow such a thing to happen. Usually he’d just leave them in the grass and abandon them all together.
But this time, for some reason that Asa couldn’t figure out, he stayed.
Not wanting to talk about such things anymore, Dazai then glanced towards the phone a couple inches away from him before recalling Chuuya’s pissed off reaction.
And yes, he did have something to do today but letting his partner struggle was way more fun. So maybe this wasn't so bad after all.
Because of that, the boy simply shrugged before fixing his crumbled black jacket carelessly. “Nothing interesting, but I must thank you, love. You gave me something far more entertaining in return.”
Not understanding Dazai then watched Asa bat her innocent little eyes and turn her head in return. “And what’s that?”
Already feeling his lips curve into a smug sadistic smirk, he finished cheerfully. “Why, an opportunity to mess with my favorite dog!”
In fact, Dazai could already picture the stupid dumbfounded look on Chuuya’s face when he told him that he was ditching. It was music to his ears. Now he couldn’t join the raid, not when he had already gotten such a satisfying reaction from his favorite toy.
And though Asa didn’t fully understand what he was saying, his twisted response didn’t bother her in the slightest. In fact, it was the opposite, the girl thinking he would’ve been pissed after hours of having to be her pillow.
Brushing the dirt and grass off her skirt, Asagao then pushed her feet to stand before looking out towards the bustling sounds around her. “Well, I’m glad you’re not mad but I guess I should be heading back. I already took up way too much of your time.”
After this annoying night, the only thing she wanted now was to crawl back in her bed before she died of embarrassment from drooling on her brother’s best friend's shoulder without knowing. In fact, she could already feel the heat emerging to her cheeks at the memory.
Yet that’s when Dazai paused before glancing towards the girl. “That might not be the best idea, love.”
Asagao then paused only for the mafioso to grab his phone in order to show her the message he had received just a couple minutes prior. “I had my men stake out the place and it seems like Ango is still there. If you go back now he’ll probably try to drag you back again..”
Then all at once, she felt her face fall. Oh yeah, Ango. She had forgotten about that stuck up, straight laced, government agent. Damn it, looks like she couldn’t relax like she wanted to now that he was chasing after her again.
Grumbling to herself, Asa then ran a hand across her face with frustration before shaking her head in exasperation. Just when would he give it a rest? “...Great...looks like I can’t go home after all..”
She then closed her eyes, trying her best not to show her annoyance before Asa sighed in order to turn back to the bandaged boy with a wave of her hand. “Either way, thanks again, Osu. I’ll let you get back to your illegal activities now.”
Dazai then watched her start to leave, already knowing that she was going to bumble around the city in order to kill time until Ango left. The question was, would she even make it back home with her blurry offset eyesight? Now that was to be determined.
Just then, last night's events began to play in his mind like some kind of punishment. There was her voice again, mocking him into still silence.
Osamu..I think you’re a good man.
Just great. First Odasaku was haunting him and now his sister was doing the same. Why couldn’t he get her foolish little statement out of his head?
It’s not like he was happy about it, it was just a delusion on her part after all. Although now that he thought about it, Asagao seemed to delude herself about everything.
She deluded herself by hoping that life had meaning, she deluded herself into never looking at the negatives and she deluded herself into thinking her big brother resented her even though it was not true.
But the biggest mistake she seemed to make was picking Dazai to be her constant, her unmovable tangible source of Odasaku’s life. Sure, letters were one thing, they were physical, unchanging, but him? He knew that he wasn’t reliable in that sense.
Yes, Dazai knew himself better than anyone else. He was fragile and flighty, a flicker in this pathetic life that could burn out with just a slightest blow of air. He was wavering and artificial, and the fact that she had so openly stated that he was her lifeline was something that the boy found incredibly foolish.
Because he couldn’t give her what she desired, what she needed more than anything.
She couldn’t ground herself with him, even if she wanted to.
Because Dazai didn’t want to live, he didn’t want to wake up tomorrow and carry on with this joke of a life. And one day he was sure he would succeed in his wish to finally disappear from this world entirely. It was inevitable, and yet Asagao still clung to his physical body simply because she had nothing else to prove Odasaku’s writings.
And Dazai knew she would be ruined like that, that putting such desperation into an already dead man would result in a cataclysmic detonation beyond human prescription.
Because of that, the boy felt himself move, reaching forward in order to grasp onto Asagao’s hand and pull her against his chest. “You know, since we are now both suddenly free. Why don’t we go on a date?”
Asagao only paused though, feeling the warmth from the proximity before turning to look at him in confusion. Did she just hear that right? No, it couldn’t be. “You’re asking me on a date?
Lifting his hands up with excitement, Dazai then spoke back. “Why not! My darling girlfriend has planned two of them already. I think it’s time I do the honors this time.”
And he thought Asa would jump for joy at that, although it seemed she only stared at him with disbelief, like she couldn’t comprehend what he was saying. “I didn’t think you’d care about that kinda thing..”
Pouting his lips, Dazai then jumped back from the girl in question before dramatically whining back. “How mean, Asa-chan. How could you say such hurtful things to your boyfriend like that? Did you ever think I just wanna spend some extra time with my cute girl?”
Once again though, Asa deadpanned, not buying his boy-ish act. “Not really no..”
Gasping at her blunt reply, Dazai then shoved his hand over his heart in order to hunch over like he had been shot. “Ouch. You wound me, love! I don’t know how I’ll ever recover now!”
Although that’s when Asagao simply shut her eyes before giving a heavy sigh in order to turn back to the boy with a light smile. “Osamu, I appreciate the gesture but you know you don’t have to push yourself like that for me. I’ve already bothered you enough by going past our agreement and fell asleep on your shoulder without asking. I couldn't expect more.”
At that, Dazai couldn’t help but pause. Ah, she knew he was going out of his character and pushing himself past what he would normally do. What a clever girl, picking him apart like that. He couldn’t help but admire it.
And though she was right in a sense, it wasn’t about want or not. It was more of a need. The need to give Oda’s sister something more reliable and tangible then just a sad suicidal boy like him, something that wouldn’t fade from her fingertips without warning.
Because of that, Dazai simply reached forward in order to hold onto both her hands, a new sparkle in his eyes. “Aww Asa-chan, you’re so sweet for worrying about me. My heart has been restored! And don’t worry about the agreement, just think of this little outing as a freebie!”
Asagao still didn’t seem overly convinced though, the girl trying to decipher his hidden intentions silently as Dazai smugly smiled. Oh, she was working overtime to get into his head, wasn’t she? Too bad he wasn’t going to reveal this little secret.
And just as the boy predicted. Asa was stumped. She knew he wasn’t being genuine about asking for a date, that he had some kind of plan underneath it all. Hell, the boy didn’t even care about her, that much was already established. So why all of a sudden had Dazai asked for this strange request?
She was curious, sure, but Oda’s sister still tried to stay strong, knowing she had already burdened him way too much today. Who cares if he was trying to manipulate her right now into something, their agreement was only about the letters. Nothing else.
And she had already broken that rule tonight. No, she couldn’t break it any further.
Yet that’s when Dazai lowered his eyes slowly before adding nonchalantly. “Oh, and did I forget to mention we are going somewhere that has to do with Odasaku?”
Then all at once, Asagao felt her head immediately snap back to his. Wait, he was going to take her somewhere that her brother visited? Damn it, he knew she couldn’t resist that, not when she had been searching for traces of him all throughout Yokohama.
Dazai on the other hand was smiling like a fiend, knowing that he had her right where he wanted her. From just the look on her face he knew she was squirming with conflict right now. Just the way he liked it.
A moment later, Asagao replied, her voice slightly desperate. “Where?”
The mafioso then darkened before pushing a mocking finger up to her lips in order to cut off her curiosity. “Ah ah ah, you gotta say the magic words first. Now, let’s try this again..”
Pushing his fingers away, Dazai then dipped his head down in a dramatic bow in order to lift his hand out to the girl in question, already knowing she was trapped against a metaphorical wall. “What do you say, love? Will you go on a date with me?”
And for a moment, Asagao paused, not wanting to give him the satisfaction. But the more the silence clung onto the air, the more her fingers began to fidget and twitch with the idea of finding out more about her brother.
Then all at once, her resolve faltered before muttering under her breath with embarrassment. “As long as you don’t mind..”
Yet Dazai only shook his head at the weak attempt, wiggling his fingers in front of her before humming back in dissatisfaction. “I need a yes, love.”
And then he waited, he waited for the submission that was a guarantee. Yes, Asagao was clever, she read him a million different ways but it seemed he still knew how to get what he wanted. And this time, he would win their little game.
Taking a heavy breath, Asagao then closed her eyes before lifting her hand out to the devious man in question, already knowing she had lost this round. “Yes, Osamu. I’ll go on a date with you...”
Although before her fingers could make contact with her hand, Dazai immediately closed the distance before grasping onto her hand with an excited cheer. “Yay! Now that wasn’t so hard, was it? Come on, let’s go!”
He then shifted his fingers down to her wrist before turning around in order to drag the poor girl down an uncertain path as Dazai beamed happily, pulling his tamed little puppy along the way.
And with that, he marked another tally in victory.
Dazai Osamu: 2 Oda Asagao: 1
----
Chapter 7:
Throughout her blurry uncertain vision, Asagao felt her body pulled towards the unknown as she focused on the solid black mass that had consumed her whole world. And whether he realized it or not, the girl slowly felt the outside murmurs and voice disappear into her own mind.
Because nothing else but him mattered to her.
Osamu seemed to have that effect on her every time she saw them, Asa always desperate to soak in everything about the oblivious boy regardless of the barriers in front of her eyes. His words, his actions, the way he held himself, the cadence in which he spoke, she categorized it all.
Which was why his decision to take her on this date was so odd.
Because as far as she knew, Osu wasn’t that kind of man. He was a cruel, manipulative, mafia executive that only did things out of pure entertainment or for some kind of tactical advantage.
Yes, her brother was different but Asagao knew that the blood in her veins didn’t fully protect her from Dazai’s real character.
Which was fine. She didn’t care that he was incapable of emotion and kindness. That’s not why she was here in the first place. She wasn’t that simple minded, and the last thing she wanted him to do was force himself out of that box and make him uncomfortable.
But it seemed that today he wouldn’t take no for an answer which meant that he either had some other intention with their date or he was pushing himself to do something strange for the sake of Oda.
Sighing to herself, Asagao then paused as her body collided with the mafia executive, not realizing the man had stopped completely. Oh, were they here already? She didn’t recognize this part of town.
Yet that's when she felt his fingers reach forward in order to snatch the large circular frames from her face, eradicating her safety net as Asa’s eyes widened in fear. What was he doing? She didn’t want to see the world right now. “O-Osam..”
Although before she could protest, Dazai replaced the object with his hands, pushing her back against his chest in order to darken her surroundings before she could have time to process them.
Then she heard his voice, sharp against her ear. “You’ll want to fully see this, love.”
Fully see it? No, that was impossible. She didn’t want to see anything, she didn’t want to decipher anything fully. Then she would see the darkness, she would see the cracks in the perfect facade that life displayed.
Dazai seemed to sense her distress though, his tone teasing as his fingers pressed deeper across her eyes to show her that they weren’t going anywhere. “What’s wrong, don’t trust your boyfriend? Afraid I’m going to hurt you while you’re defenseless like this?”
He was trying to scare her, to intimate her per usual. But if he thought that she was going to crumble between his fingers then he was sorely mistaken. “You know that’s not why..it’s just..my eyes..”
Asa then heard him laugh in pure amusement before his bandaged arm brushed against hers in order to lift the surface and place it on an unknown doorknob in front of them. “Don’t worry, darling. I got you.”
Did that mean he was going to keep her eyes covered for her until they got to where he wanted her to see? But what if he slipped up, what if he let go accidentally or for some kind of joke? What he was asking for required a lot of trust, trust from a boy that thrived on sadistic games.
But even so, Asa complied, her fingers turning open the door as Dazai urged her forward in order for her breath to lodge inside her throat with each step. She had nothing to guide her, nothing but his body to rely on.
Just then, his fingers found her wrist before lifting them up in order for her to register a railing as the mafioso hummed back into her ear. “Count the steps, love. There are twenty of them.”
And so she did, the girl gripping around the railing for dear life as she counted each invisible step in her mind, careful not to trip as her back brushed against Dazai’s body in order to ground herself.
Finally reaching the bottom, Asagao then sighed in relief only to hear him speak once again, the sound causing shivers to run down her spine. “Good girl, here’s your reward.”
Yet that’s when she felt the safety of his fingers start to disappear from her eyes, causing Asa to gap in horror. Wait, what was he doing? He hadn’t given her glasses back. Was he serious about her seeing this place with her eyes? No, that was too scary.
Blinding lights then filled her vision, causing the girl to squint before she couldn’t help but freeze at the very sight before her. And in a millisecond, she seemed to forget her own rule about viewing things from a blurry lens.
Because staring back at her was a small cozy little bar, the atmosphere warm and secluded with rows of stools and the smell of liquor wafting through the air.
Wait, she had seen this place before.
Aggressively shoving her hands into her pockets, Asagao then pulled out the picture that Dazai had shown her last night before her eyes couldn’t help but widen with realization in order to lift the photo in front of the place slightly.
Her assumption was right, it was a perfect match.
Feeling any response fall silent in her throat, Oda’s sister whispered. “Is this…”
Dazai finished for her, his hands in his pockets as he looked at the place in nostalgic sadness. “Bar Lupin, where the picture was taken.”
And almost immediately, Asagao felt her throat fill with emotion in order for her vision to blur with tears only for her to immediately blink them away.
No, she didn’t want to only see the blurry picture of this place. She needed it to be real, to soak in every nook and cranny into it was permanently etched in her mind.
Now she knew what Dazai had meant by saying she would have wanted to fully see this place without the barriers of her glasses. He was right, he was so incredibly right. This feeling, these physical floorboards under her feet. They felt so real.
Her big brother had stood in this same exact spot, he had breathed in the same air and had seen the same view.
Sure, she had been living in his old apartment for some time but Asagao had no proof that he had ever inhabited the place.
But with the photograph between her fingers, Asagao knew that her mind wasn’t playing tricks on her. Oda was here, and now so was she. The idea was so simplistic and yet it brought her so much joy, her hands unable to stop the shake and smile towards the empty bar.
Then she turned to the supposedly heartless mafioso before speaking through her tears. “Osamu, this is..thank you..I’m so happy..”
So this is what he was trying to show her? He must have gotten the idea after hearing her outburst to Ango about not having anything but Osamu to cling to. How sweet, he knew she needed this more than anything.
He always tried to act so scary but he really was like this, huh?
Dazai on the other hand stared at the empty place in silence as a mix of grief and familiar comfort coursed through him all at once. He had promised himself that he wouldn’t come back after Odasaku's death, and yet here he was all the same.
The memories, the feelings were all so suffocating, he wished he never felt them in the first place. But this was the only place that Dazai knew Odasaku in, this was the only place that he could give Asagao. Because of that, he had gone against his own wishes.
At least this place wouldn’t fade like himself, and that was enough for Dazai.
That’s right, now when Dazai finally succeeded to die, when he left this world he knew that she could wallow her sorrows here, she could find her big brother in these walls.
Now the boy wasn’t the only physical tie to Odasaku she had.
Yeah, now he could die with peace again without the guilt of destroying the last piece of his best friend that resided in this shitty little life. Did that make him a good person? He wasn’t sure but this was something he felt like he had to do.
For Odasaku, and for his precious little sister that the man had left in his fingers.
Closing his eyes, Dazai then tried to wash away the feeling before settling into his usual seat by the bar in order to wave over the girl in question. “Let’s have a drink, love.”
He then watched as she complied immediately, slipping into the stool beside him only for an unpleasant deja vu to fill his throat. Without her glasses she looked even more like Odasaku, especially from this angle.
The bartender turned to him immediately, his tone plain. “What will it be, Dazai?”
Tapping his fingers onto the top of the table, the mafioso already knew the answer. “Whiskey.”
Then the boy turned his gaze towards Oda’s sister only to rest his head on the palm of his hand with a slight tease. “Well, what about you, darling? Don’t worry, they have apple juice.”
He didn’t expect her to actually drink alcohol of course. She was just a fifteen year old girl, hardly old enough for liquor.
And hey, so was he but being in the mafia gave him a free pass. Besides, considering his other crimes, underage drinking was pretty low on the list of immoral behavior.
Yet that’s when Asa pushed her lips together cutely before pushing her hand up in order to shield her hollow eyes and reply to the bartender. “Make that a double, please..”
At that, Dazai couldn’t help but raise an eye, not expecting her response.“Ooooh, I’m impressed. But your brother would’ve had a heart attack hearing that.”
And he really would have. In fact, Dazai knew Odasaku would’ve definitely shut down Asagao's request for alcohol. Unlucky for her though, the boy wasn’t that considerate about laws and such.
What could he say? Ango was right, he was a bad influence.
Two amber colored drinks then slid into view as Asagao lightly traced her finger around the rim with a hum. “Would he? Then he better not find out that I started years ago.”
Years ago, huh? Perhaps Asagao wasn’t as good of a girl as he once thought. “How scandalous, Asa-chan. Should I tell Ango about that?”
At that, he watched her scrunch her nose up in disgust. “And what about you, Osu? You’re the same age as me.”
Dazai only hummed though, knowing it wasn’t the same. “I’m also a criminal, love.”
Asagao was silent, like she was processing the words before she threw the entire drink into the back of her throat before whispering bitterly. “Yeah well, so was I.”
The words were so small and yet Dazai heard every symbol before curiosity and intrigue couldn’t help but take up his entire throat. Now why did she have to say something like that? Now he wanted to pry into her mind and pull out an answer.
And there were many ways to do it, but none of them were savory in any way. You see, Dazai was skilled in manipulation and exploitation. He could seduce and coax even the strongest willed people.
So trying to make Asagao talk about her life was as simple as blinking for him.
It didn't matter if she seemed bothered when Ango brought it up last night. He’d get her to talk about it one way or another.
Lifting his hand up excitedly, Dazai than beamed towards the bartender before waving. “Two more!”
And as two more sets of liquor appeared in his vision, the boy simply slid them over to Asa with a fake innocence and a smile. “Go ahead, Asa-chan. And don’t worry about the price, it’s on me.”
He then watched Asagao look down at the new glass before picking up the object between her fingers.
And for a moment, Dazai thought he had succeeded in his bribe.
Although that’s when the girl simply closed her eyes before speaking into the glass plainly. “You know, Osamu. You don’t have to get me drunk. I’ll answer any question you want.”
At that, Dazai felt himself pause before his smile dropped all at once in order for him to change into his true cruel nature.
Ah, he should’ve figured it wasn’t gonna be that easy to coax her into his plans. He still wasn’t used to that, having someone that could read him almost instantly like a book.
Although that’s when he truly processed her words. Wait, did she just say that he could’ve just asked her about her life? Interesting, Dazai had never had that before. Usually they shut him down and he had to resort to dirty tactics.
How refreshing and yet utterly stupid on her part to open up to a man like him
Parting his lips to reply, he then watched as Asagao quickly downed the two drinks he had given her anyways, causing his eyes to flash with confusion.
Hold on, she had already figured out his plans to get her drunk and yet she was still going along with that anyways? What a strange girl. He thought she’d just push the glasses away.
And with no answer to his intrigues, Dazai couldn’t help but speak back. “Then why are you still accepting it?”
Pushing the glasses down from her lips, he then watched as Asagao paused before answering with a small smile. “Cause if you think I should be drunk for this conversion then I figured I should take you up on that offer.”
She still wasn’t looking at him though, and Dazai concluded it was because she still felt uncomfortable because he hadn’t given her glasses back yet. It’s not like he minded though. She was really cute when she hid her face like that, all shy and meek.
So instead, the boy didn’t speak about it, watching her call for another round of drinks before Dazai started his interrogation now that there was a rosy pink color to her cheeks. “Ango called you a hellhound. ”
Almost immediately, Asa laughed under her breath before swirling the drink between her fingers. “Ah, so that’s what it is. You were right to order those drinks.”
Dazai then watched as the girl threw back another shot before speaking distantly, like she was wrapping herself in some sort of memory. “The Hellhounds are an elite level of assassins, brought up from birth to be the perfect tools to those that hold their leash. Oda and I were orphans that were brought up into the same faction but because of my different way I saw the world,I was chosen as a candidate to be a hellhound.”
Smiling bitterly, Asa then lifted a finger up to her throat before ghosting across the skin. “By age five I knew how to run a knife across someone's throat and put a bullet in their brain without them knowing. My ability allowed quick, precise and clean kills. You could say I was a bit of a prodigy, just like you are.”
She then pushed, her face falling with unpleasant memories. “But the training..was intense...”
And as Dazai listened to her explanation things started to make sense. He didn’t know much about Odasaku before he joined the port mafia. He knew he was a freelance assassin but that’s about it. It made sense that he got those skills from somewhere.
But try as he may, he couldn’t see sweet little Asagao as a bloodthirsty prodigy like he was. Sure, she had fought him before but the girl never seemed to intend to kill.
Unless she was holding back on him this entire time.
Ah, what a sneaky little princess. So hypocritical to tease him about playing around with her when she was clearly doing the same thing. She threw that gun away on purpose and limited her ability use during their fight to make it seem like he had the advantage.
Now he wanted to fight her for real to see just how scary she could really be.
Turning his head in curiosity, Dazai then pointed his finger towards her distant expression. “Is that how those pretty little eyes of yours became so hollow and empty?”
He then watched as she clutched the empty glass between her fingers before the mafioso silently slid the rest of his drink over to her only for Asa to accept it gratefully.
Damn, the answer to that question must’ve really been traumatic given that she needed more alcohol in response.
And though most men would’ve changed the subject, Dazai only let her compose herself, silently watching as she closed her eyes before replying. “They made me see the darkest part of the world, they waterboarded me, disoriented me and then forced me to analyze every single depravity that the human mind could conjure up. It wasn’t for the weak of heart and… it broke something in me permanently...”
Then before she could process it, memories and past feelings couldn’t help but creep up her spine. They were blurry and out of order but Asa got enough to know that her time as a hellhound wasn’t the most pleasant.
Even now, she could feel the sharp cold chill of the icy tub as her ears drowned out any semblance of noise only to be assaulted with fingers on her face in order to scream at her to analyze the situation before her. She felt the blinding feeling of pepper spray in her eyes and blows to her head as she tried to answer the prompts that her captives had given her.
She even felt the lingering sensation of cloth around her eyes as they plunged her into pitch black darkness for months on end only to blind her with bright lights and disorient her further.
Her spine then began to shiver before forcing her eyes back open in order to blankly stare at the amber colored liquid in front of her. “I can’t turn it off anymore, I can’t help but see every fucked up corner of people’s intentions. My eyes catch every spec of darkness, every disappointment. So much so that it hurt to see, still does. I hate it, this thing they made me into..”
And that was the thing she hated more than anything. It wasn’t that those people had molded her into a robotic mold of their perception. It wasn’t that they essentially tortured her into their own design.
It was the fact that she was now permanently damaged, doomed to live the rest of her life in a sacred manner. She couldn’t look at the world anymore without seeing the bad. She couldn’t escape the sharp headaches and nauseous feelings in her chest just by wishing she was any semblance of normal.
Some days she even thought about ripping her own eyes out of her sockets, to perfectly gouge them out and blind herself so that she didn’t have to perceive anything ever again.
Forcing herself to carry on, Asagao finished robotically. “But one day my body couldn’t keep up. They left me to die because I was no longer sufficient and Oda found me. Then he faked my death, hid me away, gave me my glasses so I didn’t have to see anymore and became an assassin in my place.”
At that, Dazai felt his fingers slip into his pockets before feeling the metal of her glasses in order to pull out the object and place them on the table.
He had taken them for her benefit but now that the boy knew the full story of such insignificant objects, it didn’t seem right to withhold them anymore from her.
Sure, Asa had vaguely told him about the reasons for her glasses but now that the details were all laid out, Dazai couldn’t help but look at her with a new light.
These lenses weren’t just a preference, they were a necessity to her.
She needed them just like Dazai needed his bandages, and that was something the fifteen year old boy could understand quite well.
It seemed like they had more in common than he originally thought.
The girl accepted the glasses immediately, her fingers wrapping around the objects before placing the safe guard around her eyes before smiling softly in return. “And now, I’m free, my big brother gave me freedom.”
Freedom? The term was incomprehensible for the young boy. What did that feel like, to be free? To not be tied down by the darkness of the past? He didn’t know.
Just then, Dazai’s mind filled with that same twisted mindset he had come to know. What a stupid girl, she was talking about freedom when she was sitting next to one of the most dangerous men in Yokohama.
She had just dangled her skills and past resume in front of his face so carelessly.
Swirling his finger around the rim of his drink, the mafioso threatened back. “Shouldn’t you be a little more cautious about telling me all of this so easily? I am the demon prodigy after all. I could force you back into that life..”
And he could. If he really wanted to, Dazai knew he could pull her into the port mafia and use her talents for his own selfish desires. She had to have known that.
But then why was she just spilling such dangerous secrets so easily?
Asagao only hummed though, his threat leaving her unshaken. “Hypothetically yes, and I’m sure you’ve thought about it at least once or twice. I’m a tempting offer after all. Any executive would jump at the chance to use me..”
Then he watched as Asa narrowed her eyes for a moment before adding lightly. “But unlike what Ango believes, I know you won’t actually do it.”
Wouldn’t actually do it? Now that was a bold statement. He wondered what proof she had for that. “And why is that, love?”
Although that’s when Oda’s sister turned her body towards him for the first time since their conversation in order to speak with a victorious tease. “Cause it’s not what Oda would’ve wanted.”
At that, Dazai felt his lips curve into a bitter smile. Ah, she was right. She knew that Odasaku’s blood in her veins was keeping her safe. It was almost like she was rubbing that little detail in his face. Low blow.
For as dark and twisted as his mind was, Dazai knew that Odasaku had spent years trying to keep his little sister safe. Sure, having her in the port mafia would be a great benefit, but it would also ruin everything his best friend had ever worked for.
And that was something Dazai couldn’t do, no matter how evil he claimed to be.
Feeling himself laugh under his breath at her correct assumption, the boy then turned his head, playing devil's advocate just for the hell of it. “And let’s just say I didn’t care about that. What would you do then?”
Asagao then paused, thinking about his question before answering back with confidence. “Then I would let you drag me into the port mafia. But the only orders that I'd ever answer and respect would be yours.”
Dazai was certainly taken back by that. Was she serious? He knew her dedication to him was rather irrational but would she seriously put herself back in the darkness for his sake? Would she really disobey her big brother's last request that easily?
Trying out to laugh off her foolish joke, the boy pushed his hand under his chin before teasing sensually. “I’m flattered, love. So you would be my loyal subordinate then?”
But there was no hesitation or humor in her response. Only straight laced honesty. “Yeah, cause I need you by my side in order to see my big brother. Subordinate, girlfriend, they are just titles. An excuse, a way to keep each other around. In the end it doesn't matter what I’m called as long as I have you in my life.”
And try as he may, Dazai couldn’t help the bitter, unpleasant taste that built up in his throat. No, she wasn’t serious. There was no way. Her admiration, her desperation to find her brother, would she really have gone that far just for Oda’s sake?
He hated it, he hated the very little self respect she displayed, knowing that Odasaku would’ve also been horrified by what she was saying. She didn’t need Dazai in her life. Hell, her life would’ve been so much better without even knowing him.
And he knew that their titles of boyfriend and girlfriend were a sham but he never thought it would go this deep, that she would so desperately grab onto whatever excuse she could find in order to connect the two of them together.
Because of that, Dazai felt his mind run wild with possibilities.
In another reality, if that actually happened, if he had dragged Asagao back then did that also mean that Oda’s sister would’ve killed for him? Would she have snapped back to her old ways just in order to please him, to give him a reason to keep her around?
Didn’t she know how dangerous that was?
How could she possibly give a demon like him that much power to abuse?
Stretching her arms up in the air, Asagao then gave a goofy smile before beaming towards the boy all at once. “Like I said, it doesn’t matter what we call ourselves. In any universe or reality it would still be the same. You’re not getting rid of me anytime soon, Osu!”
She said that so proudly, so confidently that Dazai couldn’t help but allow his eyes to fall back on his drink. How could she be so passionate about him? He was a mess in every possible way. No one wanted to hang around him, and for good reason.
Their lives were so similar, both filled with horrors and brutal truths, and yet Asagao always wore a smile while he drowned in the pointlessness of it all. How could she do it? How could she feel so free when he was still chained by his own mind even today.
Because of that, Dazai felt his own tipsy lips move without permission, whispering into his glass with a sadness he rarely let free. “After seeing all that evil, how can you not want to die like me?”
And then he waited for her response, his shoulders tense and anxious from the sudden spilled murmur before Asagao lifted her head up in silent thought. “Mmm I don’t know. By all aspects that should be the case, right? But I’ve never felt that way, not once..”
Then her lips formed a lighthearted smile in return. “I guess it’s because I’m waiting for life to pleasantly surprise me. Just like you do, Samu.”
At that, Dazai lifted his head up in confusion. “How have I surprised you?”
Pushing her hands across the bar in explanation, Asa then replied lightly. “Well, you showed me this place to make me feel better, right? Even though I’m sure it brought back unpleasant memories, you still took me here for my sake..”
And Asagao knew that Dazai could act all he wanted but he had shown his true colors tonight. Sure, he may have used an underhanded tactic to bring her here but he had knowingly done the one thing she needed more than anything else.
Dazai though, didn’t feel the same way, knowing this date wasn’t as pure as she was making it out to be. The only reason he brought her here was to shift her devotion and admiration to something else, something more permanent than a dead man walking.
Pushing his hand up to his lips, the boy frowned under the skin. “Did it ever cross your mind that my reasons were selfish?”
And for a moment he thought she’d be disappointed, that she’d yell at him or cry once she realized the fabrication he had set up to make himself feel better.
Although that's when he watched the girl turn to him, her hand to her heart in absolute passion. “So what? Selfish and selfless, those are just small details. The results are the same. Doesn’t change the fact that you gave me such a precious gift..”
Lifting her hand to rest against her head, Asagao then gave the stunned boy a toothy smile of glee before adding wistfully. “But then again, nothing could ever be as precious as you, Dazai Osamu.”
And with those words, Dazai’s eyes widened in order to find himself slipping back into the very same malfunction that had plagued him just a couple hours ago.
Precious?
Him? There was no way. He was just a pathetically depressed kid. He wasn’t anyone, especially anyone precious. She was the precious one, she was Odasaku’s beloved sister and he was..well..he was nothing of value..
So much so, the boy tried to wipe the compliment away, not knowing how to take it. “You’re drunk, love.”
He then watched as Asagao’s lips turned into an adorable little pout in order to whine back to him through her rosy pink cheeks. “Whaaa, am not! I was being serious! I really do think you’re precious to me, even if you don’t feel the same. And anyways, It takes a lot more than..one..two..three..a bit of booze to knock me down!”
Dazai then watched as the red haired girl looked down at her fingers before failing to count the number of drinks she had ingested only for the boy to snicker under his breath.
Oh yeah, she was definitely drunk.
So much so, the boy lifted his hand up before patting the top of her head like a little puppy in order to break her concentration. “Careful, sweetheart. You’re gonna burst a blood vessel if you think that hard.”
Seemingly jumping back to life, Asa then lifted her finger in the air. “The point is..!”
Her eyes then began to daze in order to slowly drop her head with confusion. “What was the point again..”
Yet before Dazai could answer, Asagao was back at it, her expression changing back to one of passion in order to lean closer on her stool. “Oh yeah! The point is, why would I wanna die when there are still so many opportunities for the world to be beautiful? I don’t wanna miss one by giving up so soon..”
Leaning even closer, the girl then gasped as she slid out of the stool completely only for Dazai’s strong bandaged arms to catch her before she hit the ground.
Asagao didn’t seem to care though, her eyes showing through her glasses in order to lift her finger up and boop his nose with a slight giggle. “And neither should you, love”
Then the girl seemed to gasp in excitement before completely slipping out of his arms in order to turn to the small radio next to the counter. “Ah! I love this song! Turn it up Mr. Bartender!”
Skipping over to the open area, Asagao then began to bounce and dance to the song in child-ish glee only for Dazai’s eyes to travel down to the hands that once held her before balling his fists with a bitter chuckle.
What was she saying? He shouldn’t give up on life? Foolish girl, he gave up a long time ago. It was too late for those kinds of words. She should’ve known that.
How dare she put such pointless and toxic thoughts inside his head like that.
Lifting his head to look up at the carefree girl, the mafioso then watched in stunned silence as she twirled and giggled across the bar without a care in the world.
She looked so free like this, so unchained and open. He wondered how it felt, to radiate such genuine happiness and to be unequivocally herself. Because Dazai had never felt happy, not in that kind of way.
He used happiness as a tool, as a mask to further his manipulation. He knew the concept, sure, but actually conceptualizing such a thing? He had realized from a young age that it was impossible for someone as broken like him.
But Oda’s sister, she seemed to radiate the emotion with her entire soul, she knew the wonder and mystery of it. And Dazai couldn’t help but be jealous of such a fact, knowing he would never experience such a human emotion to the level that she was.
That’s when his eyes couldn’t help but flash with painstaking realization.
Oh, he had it wrong this entire time, didn’t he? Dazai had connected the similarities between their backstories, their intelligence, their manipulation and their necessity for his bandages and her glasses.
But looking at her now, the boy knew they weren’t anything alike.
In many ways Asagao was like a sun, her light always exuding positivity and hope with every response. She was unreachable, a fragile yet strong flower that was just barely out of reach in every possible way.
And Dazai, well he was a black hole, unable to find anything of value but the darkness that always consumed every part of his twisted fucked up soul. And while she was unreachable, he was a ghost, flickering in and out of this life, unable to touch anything or anyone.
They shared so many similarities and yet Asagao still saw the good, she saw the very best the world could offer while Dazai couldn’t even find one beneficial thing around him.
He almost wished that they didn’t weren’t so alike, simply because then the boy could excuse their lives as plain nativity on her part.
That’s what he thought all that positive bullshit came from in the first place, thinking that she was just a spoiled and sheltered girl that Odasaku had protected.
But she wasn’t, she had seen just as much evil and pain as Dazai had. And yet, her responses were so vastly different. She had managed to keep her humanity while the boy had descended into a full blown monster.
And Dazai would be lying to say he wasn’t both incredibly jealous and yet so genuinely intrigued by her in every way.
No, that wasn’t the right word.
He was enamored, he admired her resolve more than anything else. What a beautiful, enthralling sight. It was intoxicating, and enchanting in every way, seeing how she defied the corruption of the universe.
Although that’s when the bartender interrupted his thoughts, his eyes also gazed towards Asagao in question. “Dazai, who is that woman?”
Shifting his body to rest his back against the bar, Dazai then smiled to himself before answering honestly. “She’s Odasaku’s sister.”
The bartender then felt himself freeze before looking at the girl in a whole new light. “I can see it.”
Lowering his eyes in admiration, Dazai then felt his lips curve a bit wider. Ah, she’d be so happy to hear that. “Me too.”
And he really did, he saw Odasaku in her so clearly, especially now. It was in her carefree attitude, it was in the sense of unbothered calm she always had when she was around him. If only Asa realized just how much she brought her big brother to life by just merely existing.
Lifting his head to the sky, the boy then closed his eyes in order to speak to his old friend. Oh Odasaku, why did you give me to your sister like this? Don’t you see I’m no good for her? Did you really trust me not to corrupt her?
Yet that’s when he heard another voice enter his mind only to watch a drunken man try to make his way up to Asa only for Dazai to darken his eyes in order to quickly jump off his stool and lift an arm out to the girl in question.
Asa then felt his bandaged arms wrapped around her waist a second later, pulling her into his chest only for the girl to look up in her drunken daze. “S-Samu?”
She was then met with his endless brown gaze, staring at her in order to slip his hand into hers with a light chuckle. “Can’t leave my girl hanging, now can I?”
Feeling his head tilt towards the unwelcome presence, Dazai then pushed her body closer to him before glaring wordless in silent threat for the depravity that lay behind the drunken man's eyes.
The stranger then stumbled away in order for the mafioso to hum in acceptance before his hands traveled to his “girlfriend’s” hips as she hummed to the music. “Didn’t think the great executive liked to dance.”
Smiling under his breath, Dazai lowered his head, meeting her eyes. “What can I say, you’ve inspired me.”
Yet that's when Asagao’s lips turned into a frown before turning away from his gaze with a mutter. “What am I gonna do, Osu? I can’t go home..Ango is gonna say annoying things again..”
At the mention of Ango, Dazai felt his throat tick with unpleasant memories. Ah, that’s right. Ango was still staking out her place, hoping she’d come back. Well, it wasn’t like she could show up drunk either, then he’d really have a conniption.
But it also wasn’t as if he could let the clumsy glasses-wearing girl out free in Yokohama. She couldn’t even find where she was going sober, which meant she definitely wasn’t going to be okay like this.
Which only left one option left.
Asagao then felt his lips brush against her ear before she heard Dazai’s next words, the meaning causing her entire body to shiver and her eyes to widen all at once.
“If you really have nowhere to go then how about you come to my place, sweetheart?”
#bsd dark era#bsd dazai#bungo stray dogs#bungou stray dogs dazai#dazai osamu#fanfic#bsd odasaku#dazai x fem reader#dazai x y/n#dazai x you#dazai x odasaku!sister#oda sakunosuke#bungo stray dogs odasaku#odasaku sakunosuke#dazai x female reader#dazai x reader#bsd writing#bsd#bungou stray dogs#ao3 fanfic#ao3 writer#fanfiction#archive of our own
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Error Sans
The harbinger of destruction, the pain of fulfilling your duty will never go away. Error, you were never meant to be happy
(headcanons below. TW: mentions suicidal ideation and attempts but very lightly touched upon)
- Official Height is 5'6
- He/They/It
- Despite everything, he follows Fate, a theist
- Cynical, erratic, sarcastic, cunning, confident, blunt, perceptive, loud, easily irritable, distrustful, detached, stubborn, theatrical, reserved, cocky, sassy, violent, and self interested
- Makes bracelets for those he tolerates (Blooper. Just Blooper)
- Has dolls for every Sans and Papyrus
- Plays with his dolls regularly, even making shows out of it
- Does not let anyone touch his dolls without permission
- Is fluent in Spanish because of Undernovela
- Hardly ever dresses up, he likes the clothes he has
- He can act childish when angered easily, but calms down overtime
- Hates Fresh, a very specific fear
- Has a mutual hate but respect for Ink
- Has only ever truly befriended Blooper
- Carries a lot of mixed emotions for the Multiverse
- Carries the burden of being the destroyer of timelines and universes. Yes, he has to destroy as many as possible, there is only so much space in the multiverse
- Is actually quite lonely, with very faint memories of his past
- Has dreams of other versions of him, but can never find them. They haunt him, whether because they're good or awful
- Does not like touch unless it's from someone very specific, and only then he can only handle small amounts of it
- Has beef with Red, the two trash talk each other
- Will steal chocolate from other universes, absolutely loves almost any of it except white chocolate
- Has a strange but strong liking for Outertale, it's better than the void
- Does not like small, cramped spaces or the emptiness of voids
- HARDLY ever shows vulnerability in front of others despite how emotionally unwell he is, if he does it's against his will or he's too emotionally distressed to hide it
- Emotional Constipation is his last name
- Erratic and violent fighting style, he's unpredictable and often is emotionally driven
- Curses but funnily has a habit of having his glitches censor it
- Is far from a pacifist, he's never spared someone from a timeline due to the suffering it could inflict on their mental state(Well...except Blooper)
- Glitches the more angry he gets until he just straight up crashes
- Can act like a man baby when arguing with Ink
- Knits and crochets, he's actually pretty good
- Wears sandals (sadly)
- Awkwardly supportive of Blooper
- Talks to himself or his dolls out of loneliness sometimes
- Will ramble about Undernovela because it's a special interest, no one can disrespect it
- Magic smells of battery acid, magic tastes of artificial blue raspberry with a tinge of apple
- Very direct, he is one of the least deceitful Sanses due to not bothering to hide his intentions. After all, he's THE destroyer of universes, timelines, etc
- He is awful at apologizing, but he puts in effort when he does it since he never apologizes unless he feels that they are deserving of it
- Let's others judge him even if he doesn't like it, since it feels like they're right
- Incapable of dying, even when he has tried a few times to kill himself
- His stringed features are glitched tears that stained him. They originally hurt, but not much anymore since he got used to it
- A God, capable of destroying any soul. It's why he can't "dust" Ink or Fresh, however, along with Nightmare or Dream
- Is only a fan of Outertale and OG Undertale
- Stargazes a lot, it's something he does when he needs to reflect or needs comfort
- Has red reading glasses that are taped together, but he still has them nonetheless and uses them occasionally
- He has smacked his own glasses on Blooper when Blooper was originally Blue. He later gave Blooper their own pair
- Has a fear of touch so he has to be the one to initiate it. Even then he can't tolerate it and glitches out. He gets shaken up and the most he can do is use his puppets or offering his pinky as a way to "hold hands" with Blooper
- Nearsighted canonically so he squints his eyes a lot
- He dreads Fresh's company as he's the only one that can snap him out of his serious nature out of distress of his presence
- He has actively ran away from Fresh
- He steals shit all the time and I mean all the fucking time. He can't create so he has to get shit to fill the void somehow!
- He stalks Vanilla and other timelines of UT
- If he was able to destroy every AU, then he'd finally be able to kill himself. Thus, he could finally rest. For now, he just has to think about what it would be like to die and to be dead
- He is chaotic neutral, so he will work with others if it benefits him somehow, though this happens to be rare
- Has memory issues at times and reminds himself with little notes around the antivoid with string
- Has thrown many tantrums before, even throwing Ink a few times because he was angry
- Ink and him when battling is filled with snarky banter despite neither being able to properly die, he just is more sarcastic than Ink
- Cats are the only animal he can touch and then rapidly pet and squish. He secretly loves them
- He will dress up in this pink scarf he got ahold of and he will play dress up when bored
- Magic is infused with his crocheted items and bracelets, which can have different intent depending on his emotions and even count as "marking" someone
- Hates scissors because of Ink
- One out of two to know Ink is soulless, he actively taunts him as well for it
- He actually associates the fear of touch, haphephobia, to be what he has. I hc that because all the touch he's experienced has been violent, he's developed his fear of it. He developed it if you will, and there would have to be a lot of patience before he lets someone close enough
- He actually loves certain puns and jokes, especially if he favors the person saying it at the time
- He prefers long distance combat since he can use his strings more effectively. He's not the most physically strong, but he has a few perks of summoning bones and teleporting/glitching in and out of one location
- When he sees something new, he just stares and prods at it
- If he gets too close to something with tech, it will start to glitch out and form static due to his magic despite the involuntary act
- He's the type of guy to turn around if someone points and says Fresh or Ink are present, actively falling for it just enough to let someone narrowly escspe
- He'll throw a fit if someone tries running away from him
- Sometimes he can reboot, and this leaves him vulnerable at the worst of times. He doesn't actually have a pattern for why it happens, but he goes ragdoll because of it
- He believes that what he's doing as the Destroyer is just, especially because he knows the consequences of why it would be important for him to stop the collision of universes
- He targets most AU's that are small, lack content due to its abandoned creator, or self destroying AU's because they're easier to eliminate without Ink actively noticing too much. He doesn't really go for active AU's unless Nightmare, Dream, or Ink fucked it up via fighting and destroying things. I actually have my own hc for Blooper and how he came to be in Error's possession, but that's for another time. Let's just say it wasn't a kidnapping, but rather a mercy
- His strings become thicker when crying, spilling out and causing him to glitch out without the inability to stop - even if it physically hurts him
- His voice often speeds up or reverberates, especially when stressed or excited
- He's very stubborn and has tried killing both Nightmare and Dream respectfully at some point or another, but he can be bribed with the right price
- He can hear creators and anons inside the void, whispers loud enough to echo in his skull especially when alone. A constant hum where he'd have to pay attention in order to understand all of them. When traveling to other universes or timelines, he can only faintly hear them and tune them out easier
- He doesn't realize that Fatal and Geno are past forms of him, but he recognizes it and in fact I hc that they hardly interact because they actively are constantly glitching in and out inside the anti void. It's a weird science, but it's like a constant blinking within the coding that caused the very slim chance of these skeletons to meet. Memory gaps are present to begin with because they never have the previous memories to begin with, at least...somewhat. Coding is a bitch after all, and one never can erase their past
- He is suspicious of anyone trying to get along with him, building trust between him and you is nearly impossible unless through bribery or a deal. In Blooper's case, it was a special exception
- If something doesn't go his way, he is an active bomb going off with how he's altering the world around him. He'll destroy anything within his vicinity and has even reached points where he alters his surroundings via glitching. I headcanon that with enough charged magic, he can cause massive glitching that starts to "eat" an AU or timeline, which makes the fighting more intense between the Gods
- If he likes someone, which would be practically never, he'll glare at them and side eye them without actively threatening their life. He'll and be more quiet, watching you
- He will use his strings to bend souls to his will, whether that was to make monsters fight, be restricted, or to dust the soul. He used to make some souls go into the anti void as a trophy to be hung above him with string, but not anymore. At some point he stopped being delusional about having to be the Destroyer, and just-....gave up trying to find pleasure with it. He's actually never really enjoyed destroying worlds, especially because he used to want to go back to his original one and knows that he's forever erasing something so special. He's just forced by Fate and desperation to actually do his job. In truth, he hÆt3s Fate
- He doesn't let others see him inside their timelines when he's traveling, stalking, etc. he's les social, but also just doesn't find himself to be a presence anyone wants to be around. He knows why he's there, and even if he doesn't destroy that world, it's easier to just hide
- He's on the aroace spectrum, and mainly just wants to be alone due to his own trauma. I think he would be aroace before, but that trauma just was an extra shove towards avoiding any romantic or sexual attraction/interests
- One thing that he feels extremely guilty for is what happened to Blooper, or originally a Swap Sans. In my hc, I actually think the reason he was left alone was because of a war happening, which caused him to try and keep him safe but ended up being gone for too long. Even when Blooper was losing it, causing havoc, he couldn't bring it in himself to hurt the one person he cared for intentionally even if he already did unintentionally. (DW though, things were resolved at some point)
- He loves Coraline or any odd little movie like that, because when Undernovela isn't playing he likes to watch them. Coraline just has cool dolls, symbolism, and overall fun animation to him. Don't let anyone find out however because he'll never trust you again
Closing Notes: heourghg....OURGH....groughg.....
Okay seriously though he's always been my bbg, my beloved, ohhhhhh my stars do I love him and want him to be okay he makes me so sick
#headcanon#undertale au#alternate universe#he is bbg#utmv au#utmv#error sans#error is so amazing#i want to squish him#i want to hold him#help him#ourgh#heourgh#sobbing#hes such a loser#he makes me sick#i feel feral#please please please#he deserves better
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Okay, so I really REALLY need to get this off my chest
I mean, we all make jokes about Dream being an ABSOLUTE fucking disaster when it comes to his lovelife and yes, how can you not, when bullshit like this is CANON:
I remember reading this for the first time and my reaction was ABSOLUTELY WTF.
Because, the last time I checked, Dream of the Endless was just busy doing his usual Dreamlord things, getting closure with Alianora in A Game of You, and generally just being his usual mysterious broody self. Like, normal for Dream, okay?
I even went back and double checked to see if I somehow missed an issue, a storyline, something because WHO THE HELL was this person who broke Dream's heart?
And of course, we know what happens next, right? Dream runs off on a road trip with baby sister Delirium, to find their lost brother Destruction, on an adventure that is simultaneously hilarious and horrifying. On the one hand - Dream and Delirium bonding! Dream learning not to be such an arse at the art of being a big brother! On the other hand - ABSOLUTE FUCKING DESTRUCTION. PEOPLE DYING. I kid you not - the horror and the humor are like side by side in this.
But in the end, Dream ends up having to spill family blood in order to find Destruction. And that sets off the events of the Kindly Ones and Dream's death and Daniel Hall rising in his place as the new Dream of the Endless.
Years later, I realized this was basically an elaborate suicide process. It wasn't that Dream had this great love that shattered his heart and made him want to die - we didn't even know who this goddamn mystery lover was unless you picked up on the hints. It was just one trauma (Burgess and the glass fishbowl) after another (Rose the Vortex and Desire's bullshit) and losing Orpheus in such a horrific way. It was just absolutely the last straw for him. Dream must have figured he was like, "Nope, I'm done. I'm noping outta here. I can't do this anymore."
I absolutely did not see this coming.
THESSALY?!!!
THIS GODDAMN IMMORTAL WITCH TERF THESSAY WAS THE ONE WHO BROKE DREAM'S HEART?
THE FUCK?!!!
There was only ONE GODDAMN HINT that I got that she was even REMOTELY attracted to Dream, okay? And it was here:
I'm sorry, Thessaly, unlike you, I wholly EMBRACE the fact that Dream of the Endless is kilig-inducing. Fuck you very much, okay?
So it kind of makes me think how the Sandman TV team is going to handle this once the next seasons are greenlit. Are we going to have Thessaly/Dream, the most toxic goddamn disaster relationship ever? How's that going to play out? Are viewers going to be left scratching their heads like we comic readers were?
I'm just hoping we don't end up with Dreamling replacing the Thessaly/Dream shit as the tragedy romance. That one's gonna break me. Nope, I can't. I wrote my own take on that in my previous post and I'M ALREADY READY TO FLING MYSELF INTO THE SUN.
What makes this even worse is that the TV version of Dream is even more lovable than the comic one. The more I rewatch it, the more I'm like: "Shit, he's changing fast, more like Daniel/Dream than the bastard Morpheus could be." So yes, Sandman Netflix team, congratulations we are latching on to this version of Morpheus and keeping him!
In the meantime, the quest for fix-it fan fiction continues!
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I've been able to put a finger on what's really been annoying me about the current discourse surrounding Izzy's death, and it's the claims that the show "suddenly" isn't happy anymore or about queer joy and how that's a betrayal.
And my thing there is...OFMD has alway been the queer joy show, yes, but it has also never shied away from dark topics, and depicts topics such as the domestic abuse Ed suffered as a child and Stede's childhood trauma and the resulting PTSD from those events very realistically. OFMD is a kind show, at its core, and it never makes jokes that punch down. At the same time, though, this season began with Ed in a self-destructive mindset and actively planning his suicide, culminating in an attempt that was very nearly successful. This is heartbreaking. We've seen Ed sobbing - both at the end of last season and the start of this one - and last season we saw Stede absolutely shaken and traumatized by watching Chauncey shoot himself, right after Stede agreed that it was best he just die. It's heavy stuff, and I'll be the first to admit that it's honestly a bit hard for me to rewatch the first three eps of s2 just because of how hard Ed's suicidal arc hits, but I don't think it detracts at all from OFMD as the queer joy show - it adds to it, because the story is about coming out of these dark places through the power of queer love and community!
In contrast, Izzy started this season in a very rough place, and grew through the power of accepting queer community. His death was narratively important to Ed's arc, and he said himself he was satisfied and wanted to go. Why is this where you draw the line?
It's okay to be sad if a character you like died. That's the point, deaths in fiction are rarely supposed to make us feel happy. But it really just sounds like a lot of people are upset the narrative isn't centering around their favorite yt side character.
#ofmd#ofmd s2 spoilers#our flag means death#that's my piece it's the last thing i'll say about the izzy drama i promise#izzy critical#tagging that just in case
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