Yo we out here with some more Ace lives AU but i'll make them little bullet points so I dont have to write a whole essay. Enjoy my little headcanons!

Warning: Theres. So many. Im not sorry tho lmao

Ace joins the strawhats after the time skip, nobody really minds and theyre happy to spend time with luffy's older brother. He quickly becomes best friends with Nami. I just feel it in my soul that they would gossip together.

Both Ace and Luffy suffer from awful PTSD symptoms after Marineford. With Luffy, his crew eventually learn how to help him. With Ace, though, he only has Luffy to lean on for support until the crew get aquanted with him.

Actually, to add onto that bc im a sucker for acesan, Sanji is the first after Luffy to reach out during one of his bad days when even really small triggers can make Ace spiral into a panic attack.

More acesan sorry lmao. Ace is usually either out on the figure head of the sunny looking at the ocean when Luffy isnt occupying that spot, in the gallery when Sanji is working, or just out on the deck laying on the grass. He especially likes being around sanji in the gallery.

Pre timeskip Ace is extremely different than this AU's Ace because yes he's silly and carries an air of confidence with him still, but he's never shirtless around others anymore. For a long while, Ace doesnt leave the ship or pick fights. His confidence is a facade for a long time.

Depression hits ace like a truck in this AU and its only eased with the help of Luffy and Sanji. Chopper also helps the best he can with what he's got. Ace is grateful for this, and eventually his old self starts to emerge more and more. Luffy is there with him the entire time.

Ace has insomnia, but so does Sanji and Zoro. He'll hang out with them during late night hours either on watch with zoro sharing stories or with Sanji talking to him while he's doing prep work or inventory. He'll probably also fend off luffy when his little brother tries to break into the locked fridge lmao

But more funny headcanons!! Im getting depressing here sorry!! Ace will mess around with Luffy and entertain him before meal times by play fighting. Their asses will be duking it out on the deck and Chopper will be all concerned and Zoro and Nami will be like "Siblings." Like thats the most obvious answer in the world.

Tbh, the crew members with any type of sibling or sibling bond will get it. Luffy will deadass try to steal Ace's food and Ace will smack his hand lightly with haki and Luffy will dramatically exclaim how mean his big brother is.

"Ace is so mean! I'll starve to death!" "Yeah, sure, you little menace"

Ace regaining strength over his devil fruit powers by making little shapes out of fire for chopper, luffy, and usopp. Franky and brook join the group to give ace prompts. It becomes a nightly occurance at this point.

The first time he decides to go shirtless in front of the crew, they realize his old tattoo is replaced by scar tissue that covers nearly his entire back. Nobody says anything, but I think Franky and Nami would be really understanding. Also luffy. Luffy would be like "We match! Ace has a cool scar like I do!" and it reassures him but also breaks his heart simultaneously.

Ace eating nearly as much as luffy and Sanji being like "Are you sure youre not blood related? Because youre both gonna run my kitchen dry"

Ace not really having a defined role in the crew and them not really minding it. Ace floats around basically. It kind of fits him more that way since he knows a bit of everything. He'll look at maps with nami to chart a course to the next island, He'll fight alongside zoro and sanji, he'll tell usopp about different ways to use combustion and heat in weapons or ammo, etc.

Ace and nami using the power of their good looks to scam people lmao and ace being able to swindle men and women. Nami is impressed and also jealous.

Luffy growing his hair out so him and Ace match, but luffy apparently has curlier hair than Ace so its just a fluffy mess until usopp caves and teaches them how to actually take care of their hair (luffy does not absorb a single thing and ace now has to help luffy with his hair when it gets as long as his)

Ace noticing one day how zoro looks at luffy and being like "yikes...you got it bad, man" and zoro just being like "SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP-" but ace is fucking cackling and now zoro cant be too mad about that. He's still embaressed as fuck about it though.

Expanding on that actually: Ace actually being supportive because he knows how loyal zoro is. He isnt worried. Plus, Luffy is extremely strong and it takes a lot to actually hurt him. So he's like "dude you gotta just tell him straight up he is dense as hell"

Ace the ultimate wingman for zoro. Not luffy, though. That's what Nami is there for. Him an nami are definitely working together and placing bets on when and who asks who out with robin, usopp, sanji, and franky. I wont say what they chose for their bet but robin definitely wins.

BUT luffy, nami, zoro, robin, usopp and franky place bets on Ace and Sanji. Ace is never subtle. He flirts openly and is proud of it. Sanji is very subtle with ace, though. The crew immediately see past his bullshit of trying to be straight. Its painful to watch. Poor sanji is trying so hard to remain closeted but the closet is literally glass. I wont say who betted what as per my last bullet point, but surprisingly zoro won. Everyone (nami) is outraged by this incident. Luffy is here for a good time.

The crew playing card games except they learn sometimes ace cannot handle flammable objects because he will burn them accidentally. Competitive card games are now banned if ace is playing.

Ace is also banned from using his devil fruit powers while sparring on the deck. The poor grass on there has been burned so many times. Nami has kicked his ass over it.

Ace and zoro get really competitive. Not like zoro and sanji, but they'll spar without weapons and at least one of them will leave with a busted lip or eyebrow and a lecture from chopper. Theyre chill though they just forget to hold back on their punches. Ace one time used haki and had to help franky fix the deck afterwards.

Hi, so, I made a lil quiz on controversial opinions and one of them was that narc abuse isnt real and someone disagreed and gave a response that I thought was intriguing, however I am an egotypical so I figured I'd go to this blog to see your opinion on it?

The response was "Know a lot about this topic (got really deep into the NPD) and i gotta say it's fine to say narcissistic abuse. The whole pointttt is that we're all trying to help folks with NPD, narcissistic abuse is real and should be talked about but that doesn't make narcissists evil/unredeemable. Individuals w/ NPD greatly affect those around them, unlike stuff with most cases of like, existential OCD since that's most internalized rather than externalized. I don't have any issue with the term narcissistic abuse and y'know, it's like, not something you're gonna care about in 50 yrs."

i do not know a single person with NPD who felt at all "helped" by narc abuse truthers. no, 99% of narc abuse truthers are not "trying to help folks with NPD," i've never met or seen one who wasn't passively ableist at BEST. most narc abuse truthers are not trying to help, they are not trying to understand, they DO in fact think we're irredeemable and a good portion of them wish to actually wipe us off the fucking planet. multiple times i have seen narc abuse truthers just straight up spew eugenics. most narc abuse truthers don't even actually know what NPD is beyond abuser disorder.

it is true that people with NPD can affect the people around them, but that is not at all a trait unique to people with NPD. narc abuse as a term makes it sound like there is something uniquely abusive about people with NPD. all narc abuse describes is patterns of emotional and psychological abuse, nothing more and nothing less, and those patterns are not unique to us. i have been abused in ways that narc abuse describes by people did not have NPD. if you want a term that literally just means "abused by someone who had NPD," you would need to apply that same logic to every single disorder out there that could possibly have an externalized affect.

even if a term like "narc abuse" worked in theory, the communities that are fostered around it are horrendously and disgustingly ableist. it is the nature of a term like that. blaming the abuse you suffered from someone soley on their disorder not only takes responsibility off of them as a person, but also inherently subconsciously creates negative associations with that disorder and everyone else who has it.

i am going to get a bit vulnerable about something i'm not proud of. i have had a very similar mindset narc abuse truthers have about NPD but with bipolar disorder. i grew up knowing my extremely abusive father had bipolar disorder as he was diagnosed when he was younger. i blamed the majority of his actions on his disorder, it made me scared and paranoid of people who had the same disorder. i even had an old friend who was diagnosed with bipolar disorder while i knew him who explicitly told me he was afraid i'd start to hate him or be afraid of him. and a part of me was afraid of him for it. i was miserable and made other people around me miserable. i had to at some point confront the fact i could not blame his disorder for all his abusive actions, i had to make the disconnect, i could not hold innocent people with the same disorder responsible for what he did to me. it was not their fault, and they did not deserve to be held accountable by association of a disorder they did not ask to have.

i could not imagine how much worse it would have been if i had something like a "bipolar abuse" community. i maybe never would have undid my ableist views. these "[disorder] abuse" communities always inherently create an environment that is extremely negative and hostile towards people with said disorder. you can absolutely have conversations about how your abuser's mental illness and trauma affected the relationship you had with them, as mentioned before my father's untreated bipolar disorder absolutely heavily impacted our relationship even outside of his abusive behavior, but these kinds of communities are not the way to do it.

and actually, this is something i will still care about in 50 years if i have to, but hopefully i won't because hopefully it won't still be an issue in 50 years. though that may be wishful thinking.

wibta if i held an intervention for my cousin?

strap in bc this is gonna be long, but first i need to introduce this little cast of characters: I (26f), my sister (23f) and my cousin (22f) are literally the only young ones in my family. my fathers siblings never married, and i have only my mother's sister (50sthF) who has married and also has a kid. so this made us kind of close since we were kids, especially my sister and my cousin (due to their close ages) were always together. we did live far from each other, and could only meet one or two times in a year.

my cousin and my sister have ocd. i have depression. we all have anxieties. my aunt and my mother both have anger issues, so we kind of can guess what kind of house my cousin is living in. and also from what we could see during our short visits. so yeah, we're all fucked up, but ever since i started therapy and forced my sister to go as well, things started to change. my cousin kept making excuses about money issues, and not really needing any therapy, but her ocd started spiraling down very quickly after her cat got sick last year (we'll get to that soon).

so here's where the problem lies: my cousin has ocd, and needs to constantly ask for approval. she also has severe separation anxiety, to the point that she cant even think about a family member or her cat dying. and see, i get that! we also had beloved pets who died and honestly it still fucks us up, but she is getting delusional about it. god forbid we mention that the cat is now an old lady, or say that shes not as sharp/agile as she was before—this makes her cry immediately. also her ocd is very focused on her cat: she thinks she can carry diseases to her cat, she gets hysterical if we change our clothes near the cats bowl, asks everyone repeatedly if sth unrelated might make the cat sick. shes also of the belief that if someone uses an insect spray, then the poison will stay there till she goes to that place and carries the poison to her cat and making her sick. we kept explaining to her that if the sprays would work like that then we wouldnt suffer from a serious ant infestation for the third year in a row, but as it goes with ocd, she just cant accept it. she only believes what her mother says, and well. her mother gets agitated Very Quickly and they start fighting which makes everything worse.

usually id interfere and tell my aunt to just get along with my cousin as shes going through therapy and medication, and i saw it first hand on my sister that it takes time for ocd to get calmer. its not like oh u started therapy? why arent u already performing like a mentally healthy person?? this is what i suffered from when i first started my therapy. but my aunts main issue isnt her ocd. the ocd is par for the course—the main problem is that my cousin never helps around the house.

we knew this, since we have been together forever, that my cousin never works. she complains a lot, even snaps if u ask her to do two things at once (even if its like hey check the kettle and btw put this glass in the sink as well). and my aunt has zero tolerance for her attitude, which leads to her doing the chore herself and well this kind of encourages my cousin to get away from the chores by complaining. she was like this ever since we were KIDS. she'd play with us and make a mess, but when we were supposed to clean everything shed either not do a thing (saying "i dont know how to" even to simple things like put the thing in the basket) or shed just. vanish. whenever we ate lunch or dinner, shed immediately go to the bathroom, and come out after everything was cleaned and washed. and before u say there might be sth else, it really wasnt. she even admitted to it later. she just didnt want to do a single shit. and well, now that shes older, its getting kind of upsetting. whenever she's alone at home she does NOTHING. and when my aunt comes back from her trip SHES the one who has to clean after my cousin, even tho she has just arrived home. this is why no matter how much she asks us to go stay with her when shes alone, we never go. bc we dont want to clean after her. or when she comes over to our house she just. barely does a thing.

this is taking a huge mental and physical toll on my aunt, bc shes physically disabled (severe migraines caused by a bubble in her head, and recently due to her bad workplace her right hand and arm are also not doing well), and even tho she kind of brought this on herself (but indirectly encouraging my cousins behavior), its still really upsetting. whenever we go to their house, my sister and i try to shoulder a part of chores, bc 1) our aunt shouldn't have to do everything by herself and 2) we were taught to help. my parents never had any tolerance for us slacking off.

cut to last week when we went to their house, and it was a huge war zone. my aunt kept shouting at my cousin for things that werent her fault (like her asking for approval or complaining about sth someone did), and on the other hand my cousin kept dodging the chores, and when my aunt asked her to do ONE thing she kept snapping at her and complaining like it was a huge deal (it really wasnt. example: my aunt asked her to put her clothes which she had already folded and put on her bed away. my cousin snapped at her that she would do it and she should get off her back and then kept complaining that her folded clothes arent bothering anyone and she shouldnt be forced to put them away. this is not an exaggeration.) i also realized that part of the problem with their relationship was how my cousin kept complaining about everything to my aunt, which makes my aunt go insane bc she needs a break from the negativity, but my cousin is very clingy and would call her multiple times a day just to bitch about sth. and hey, i also bitch about things to my mother, but i dont call her that much when shes/im away, and also i try to balance it with good fun stories. i know my cousin isnt like having a very bad life, she just likes to complain about everything. but this, coupled with her insistent need for approval, and her clinginess, makes for a bad recipe.

so, when i finally had a private moment with my cousin, i told her that she needs to do chores, and this would do wonders to the current tension! i said this very gently and very quickly bc i didnt want my aunt to overhear us, and my cousin started crying and nodding and said she would try. this made me feel a bit calmer about the whole situation, until the next fucking day when my grandparents came to my aunts house and my cousin, u guessed, did nothing to help my aunt. at one point my sister found her kissing her cat instead of setting the table, and it made us both extremely mad.

i think that gently talking with her wont do good, bc she'd probably do the same thing again. i feel like i need to be more stern and a little bit harsher to hammer the point home, bc apparently she doesnt understand anything unless its shouted at her. im not gonna shame her or anything, im just gonna say that she needs to a) continue her therapy (which she has dropped for 5 months) b) take her pills regularly (which she doesnt) c) enforce a clear boundary between herself and her mother no matter how close they and d) do the chores. if she doesnt do these stuff, then she wont be able to get any sympathy from me, and my sister. also cant complain about it anymore if she's not going to do any fucking thing to improve her situation.

so, wibta?

What are these acronyms?

I lowkey love seeing all the stuff people are coming up with Radio Guard, the angst and more (seriously the way i laughed when an anon suggest everyone having to hold back Radio Guard Al from killing Valentino, very accurate fhdjkf)

And while I am tempted to add fuel to the angst fire, imma instead add fluff to sooth it out. and some angst

In Radio Guard, Alastor is always the last to sleep as he spends his time waiting for everyone to return to the hotel. Usually. Sometimes he is asleep at the bar or passed out on the couch for waiting so long. And yeah, he knows he DOESNT have to do this. Really, he is only meant to protect Charlie buuut the hotel is also part OF Charlie in a weird way since its her dream which mean so are the residents, so it counts (no he will never admit its because he actually worries for everyone and wants them to come back safe and sound, its totally only because its Charlie's dream. Husker stop smirking).

One of the people he waits for the most is Angel Dust given his unique work schedule under Val. And even if Alastor didn't already have problems with Val already due to his history with him through Vox, you sure as hell bet Alastor would know due to his treatment of Angel. Al is usually the first to help Angel out next to Charlie, while respecting any boundaries Angel places down. Don't want people barging in? Alastor will knock first and wait for you to tell him to come in. Don't want to be touched? That's fine, Alastor is cool with that. He probably has also introduced Angel to Rosie, but then again, but this point, nearly everyone in hotel may know who Rosie is so that is no shock.

Most of the time when Angel comes home, lookin tired and beat, or ragged and stressed and if Charlie isn't around. Alastor is offering his jacket to wrap the spider in and asking Nifty to go run Angel a warm bath and grab all the nice scented stuff for him to. Al would also ask husk to make Angel a drink, but the bartender is already on it, making the strongest cocktail or the calmest cup of tea depending on Angel's mood.

Because of this, Angel and Alastor have a better relationship than in canon. Its a clear budding friendship born from wanting to help and not used to be treated with kindness. Because of this, Alastor is more willing to humor Angel's antics while Angel heavily respects any boundaries Alastor puts in place and Alastor's antics too. Example, the moment Alastor made it super clear he does not like any sexual remarks, Angel puts a stop to them quickly. He does still playfully flirt with Alastor which has resulted in a pillow getting thrown in his face, but he does it all in pure humor, not actually to woo Al which Alastor knows.

Alastor and Husk also Angel out with transporting stuff when he has to do so many jobs for the Vees (mainly Velvet and Val since I like to imagine, and this isnt even Radio guard stuff, this implies to canon too, they collab on stuff a lot be fashion or whatever and Angel is the poor fool who has to deal with it). And I'll admit, they also have their own reasonings to do it too, that aren't just helping Angel.

Husk does it because, while yes, it is to mainly help Angel, he also does it to see if he can find Angel's contract. Husk is lucky in this AU since Alastor changed the rules of the contract by granting him almost all his former Overlord power, but he knows others aren't and he will be damned to let Angel suffer.

Alastor does it because he A.) wants to find the contract too because fuck Val and B.) he likes to be a constant silent reminder for Val he fucking FAILED in getting rid of him with Vox (even tho Vox was manipulated/talked into getting rid of Alastor) and instead only made him stronger since Lucifer found a nearly dead Alastor which led to where he is now. Remind Val that his clock is ticking and the moment they find Angel's contract and Alastor gets full permission from Angel to kill Val, his wings are going to become something quite nice for the people he hurt or nice fuel for a the hotel's fireplace. (not like he gets to kill Val alone tho, both Vox and Angel want a piece of murdering Val pie fhdskf)

-⚔️ anon

Fluff is always appreciated my friend 🫶

Angel deserves the entire world its good to read about him getting support

Listen I’m a big believer that celebs should shut the fuck up most of the time but the thing with neutral artists who never take a stance, especially white people is that they will unknowingly invite a very racist fandom. 

As a poc in this fandom, I’m used to swifties being racist but my god over these last couple of weeks, seeing big accounts cyber bully a Palestinian swiftie for wanting Taylor to sign a ceasefire letter is so mind-boggling. They always make hypothetical scenarios where they’re like “It’s gonna put her in danger, what is they b0mb the stage?! You can’t expect Taylor to speak about everything!” And it’s just so tone deaf, rude, and insensitive. 

We reach a point in this genocide that a lot of Palestinians no 1 ask for the rest of the world just to amplify their voice because a lot of the donation trucks are not allowed to enter Gaza and the ones that do, the UN are selling the donations instead of giving them for free. So why is it such a wild concept for racist swifties that a lot of people are asking Taylor to speak up? This is the biggest thing happening in the world right now, she literally wrote “It’s time to use your voice” in her latest story and we’ve seen time and time again how big of an impact Taylor has. 

saying arguably the most famous person on the planet rn should not speak up about palestine is not only admitting they don’t care about what palestinians IN palestine are asking for but they also care more about a pop star than the life and death of millions

this is so well put and i completely agree. taylor's silence provides comfort and a safe place for hateful people because she does not give them a reason not to feel supported, her silence creates space for them whether she knows that or not. and this can apply to politics in general because she's gone fully silent and hasn't taken a stance on anything in like 3+ years, but specifically about Palestine.

The fans who are making up hypotheticals about the terrible things that could happen if taylor dares to say anything about Palestine are some of the most ignorant, unself aware people i've ever seen. 'what if she becomes a threat' 'people could get hurt' 'they could bomb a show', hey guess what... all of that stuff is currently happening. at this very moment. to Palestines. They are being bombed, targeted and threatened as we speak but thats not what they care about, they care about the hypothetical scenario of a billionaire not being safe. A billionaire who, within seconds of any hint of a threat has an abundance of resources to keep herself and everyone around her safe. Palestines cannot even imagine that privilege those fans are ignoring. Imagine looking at a Palestinian and saying 'sorry she cant speak up and support you, her safety might be threatened'. All of the worst hypotheticals they can imagine happening to Taylor are currently happening to Palestinians but they dont matter as much to them i guess.

Fans will really expose themsleves and how little they actually care about real life cruelty in order to defend a women who will never be their friend. 'her saying anything wont change anything', it might not, or maybe it will.... so human life isnt worth the chance of finding out? 'she's not a politician she's a singer' so singers cant care about genocide? singers are above the deaths of a nation? 'she might get hurt' so you care more about the hypothetical hurt of a stranger than the real life hurt of thousands, mostly children. Fans speaking on behalf of or dismissing the suffering of Palestinians to make their fav pop star not look bad is indeed a disturbing thing.

Taylor first hand knows how powerful her fandom is, with the re-recordings, breaking records, being on the biggest tour of her career and it selling out immediately all over the world. she knows her fans can move mountains, she saw it with voter registrations going up and spiking the second she finally spoke up about politics. she knows her words are some of the most heard around the world and her choosing to not denounce genocide says a lot about her, none of it surprising. that environment of indifference and silence invites hateful people and a hateful environment for those who want morality and change. people will bend over backwards to protect someone who doesnt protect others less fortune and privileged than she is. we know she probably isnt gonna say anything about this, she cant even take a stance on american politics, not even on a state level. denouncing a genocide is too much for her, it might make people mad at her, god forbid. she values ticket sales and her popularity over morality and change, it's that simple. And she’s found a fanbase that feels the same way.

yosano is so dear to me because as much as i usually dislike the trope of 'one of the only regular female characters in the show gets healing powers because what else would a woman have' i do really like when that trope is turned into an insidious distorted mess.

I'm putting a readmore bc holy fuck if i start talking about yos i DO NOT know how to stop.

Like she has healing powers but the ability ITSELF is horrendously violent (needing people to be basically dead before they do anything), and she is not the kind of person you would associate with traditional healing character traits. Most of the time, they're maternal, and friendly, and soft spoken, and reserved.

Yosano is none of these things.

Quite frankly, she's a hater. and that's not to say she's unpleasant, necessarily, because she isn't. but she's a little demanding, and a little unhinged, and a lot prone to violence.

(and the dislikes on her profile refer exclusively to men. (shes an icon))

And shes like that because she is the outcome of what an ability like that, a responsibility like that, would do to a person.

Because every time she faces someone dying, there are two options: unbelievable guilt that comes with Not saving someone, or the perversion of death that comes with bringing them back. That complete and utter refusal of the natural order.

What do you do when respect for life hinges on a person's ability to die, and you have not just the power, but the expectation, to take that away?

which leads us to her backstory.

she's eleven. ELEVEN. what eleven year old has any understanding of life and death? of the importance of endings and letting people rest?

she's basically playing god and she barely even understands what that means. Or perhaps more accurately, she's playing puppet for mori playing god.

So she's there, and it's kind of a boring task at first. Like a very cavalier 'I'm here to save you all that's my job you should congratulate me bc im sm cooler than u losers.' But then she speaks to the soldiers, grows to care about them, and suddenly this ISNT a job. Its saving them out of compassion, out of a desire to see them alive. to make sure theyre okay.

and then they keep dying. and she brings them back, and they die again, and again, and again, in an endless cycle that can never end and while she's doing it unwillingly by that point, the reason they can live to suffer again is because of her.

And in realising that, in trying to put an end to that pointless cycle and Mori preventing that by shooting someone she cares about in front of her, she cannot give them reprieve because of the very ability that got her into this position in the first place. By that ability, and, ironically, by that compassion of hers.

"You are too just."

She cares too much to do what she knows is right, what she knows is kindest for the soldiers. She hasn't grown used to losing people (partially because she's eleven, but mostly because death doesn't exist to her) so she can't accept it.

and when everything goes down hill, she still thinks of it all as her fault. (even though technically its mori's, and whomever was in charge of their unit for not surrendering)

even fourteen years later, shes still haunted by what happened. even fourteen years later, the balancing act between using her ability, and letting nature run its course, is a delicate one, and one that is only facilitared by her position in the ADA.

its incredible that with that position threatened, the very reason shes learned to live with herself being put in jeopardy, she keeps herself as stable as she does.

so. she's a little bit batshit. very violent when she wants to be. ready to beat a mfer within an inch of their life at the earliest opportunity.

her very capacity to heal is twisted and messy and terrifying. it isn't soft and delicate and sweet, or even reassuring. it's practical. it's useful. but it's deeply unsettling.

and i think thats a very realistic portrayal of what it would be like to have such an unnatural control over life and death.

I think why it's important to support victims too is the reality of being a victim is that not everyone is going to have collected the evidence that ppl always ask for (and even then people always say the evidence is fake/not good enough).

Like I wont get too personal on details bc im not comfortable with that, but I want to use myself as example for my point because I don't want to speak for other people's experiences.

I was a victim of emotional abuse from a friend group for years that i only very recently went no contact with 1 year ago just about (2 ppl in the group specifically the most). And I didn't collect screenshots. I didn't collect video/recording (and even if i planned to thats illegal in my state without their consent). And for a lot of that relationship though I suffered and was in a bad place I never really quite realized it was abuse until I got out and had someone some else give me a wakeup call. And I currently still have no plans to report it or go through legal trouble with it personally (for reasons not important to this post's point.

And why I say this is because when I share my story with people I'm close to all I have is my word. My word of the things they did to me. My word on how the abuse was subtle, how I knew from a tone of voice if I'd get in trouble with them. How they'd belittle me under the guise of jokes and "game lobby culture". Etc.

And so when you think all victims need to come with you with a mountain of evidence you're really saying you won't believe people at their word which is my reality and many other people's realities for any type of abuse and harm. At the end of the day you're going to trust me or not if you're someone I'm comfortable enough telling my story to. At the end of the day you're going to see the post and decide if I'm making shit up or not.

Of course I wish I had scs of things for many reasons, but even then a lot of my experiences were verbally related with no recording (some of which is subtle anyway ill get into that in a second) The angry comments on Instagram I got were quickly changed while I was too panicked to sc them at the time. A lot of my texts were over kik of which never saved the history.

Sometimes people's words are going to have to be enough for people because that's all you're going to have. Because when you say evidence is important you're really saying that I expect every person in a situation to: know they're a victim, and once knowing theyre a victim collect evidence (even if that evidence collection could harm the victim/or isnt possible) and to somehow make sure that evidence is enough for people, plus be able to have evidence for abuse that is publicly subtle.

And on another point this expectation doesn't really cover how abuse can sometimes be so fucking subtle. You know? How can you explain to people how a tone of voice is a part of the abuse? How can you explain something that could be a joke between friends wasnt a joke in that situation and a part of the torment? How canyou explain to someone when they say something normal its the smile that tells you its belittling/anger? Like even if I had a believable recording of the interaction for the smile example, like it may not be noticeable to you because thats the pt in why its so fucking subtle! you're just gonna have to trust ppl when they know something is sinister or not idk how to explain this. How do we collect evidence for the things that are so subtle and innocuous and meant to fly under the radar in public?

So when people tell you to check your victim blaming rhetoric this is part of the reason why.

You may reblog this btw and you free to rb with additions of your own too this is an important and open conversation. And before it's said this is not specifically about any one situation it's something I've wanted to write about for a while based on both fandom experiences, irl experiences, and just witnessing how abuse victims are treated in various situations. So it's not a vague.

I'm hearing 2 opinions on Erdogan and idk I wanted to ask you bcs I got both of them from non-natives. So the first says that he IS a good president, there is just too many outside factors trying to bring him down. And the second told me that he WAS a good a help for the country until he decided to care about some other things (colonisation ?) which eventually led to the current downfall. Maybe both are right or both are wrong, what do you think?

(can you tell I love political discussions because I don't I'm just really invested cause you're one of my fav blogs hehe)

Non natives love to defend Erdo which is why us Turks have a whole term for them. Most of it however DOES stem from the second option being true.

Erdogan was in fact a very good leader in his first few years of power, now my family personally never liked him, he technically was in power on the sidelines for 10 years until he became president 10 yrs go. He did many things like make hospitals and healthcare way more accessible, fixed a lot of roads and built bridges etc. Now you may go “jay, isnt that what a normal president is supposed to do ?” Well, yes. But the guy before him didnt do a whole lot, so him doing his literal job was enough to convince people he was good enough to keep around.

As time went on he started to take a way harsher approach. Slowly but surely the price and tax on everything went up. Religion started to be the hottest topic in turkey despite us being a secular country on paper.Slowly festivals became too loud, protests were bothersome, pride parades were sinful, gays werent considered people, music after 12 wasnt allowed, Eurovision was something too embarrassing for our country to take place in, alcohol was a luxury that only the desperate & sinful tried to buy, women were not obedient enough, the legal age to get married was too high, sex before marriage became a big topic, rapists and murderers would walk freely, femicide got to a brand new high and a whole lot more.

This all happened slowly and gradually. By the time we thought to speak up on any of this the i-don’t-even know, 60% yearly inflation rate had worn us down. A dollar was no longer 2.5 TL, it was close to 25. Nothing could be bought with minimum wage. Whatever you bought, you bought a second one for the govt in tax (a phone here costs twice the price of one in america). People who vote for him mostly do so because all media outlets are heavily censored and totally in his favor. He has control of literally everything. Literally!! He hosted a referendum where he legally was given so much power that he can change whatever he wants on a whim. He will confidently lie out of his teeth and tell his supporters that the reason everything is so expensive is because of his opposition (who have virtually no power) + its fine because even if we’re poor we’re closer to god and his supporters eat it up because they have some fucked up parasocial relationship with him.

Right now we’re screwed beyond belief. The election was rigged in his favor but despite everything he either wasnt able to end it on the first round or intentionally didnt so he could win by a higher margin on the next round. The house is fucked, the opposition lost a ton of seats to highly religious islamic fanatics who straight up advocate for sharia law. That and the president literally had an alliance with a terrorist organization who want 15 year olds to get married, theyre also in the house. Its great.

Now we wait for the 28th, but its going to take a miracle for Erdogan to lose. I have virtually 0 hope at this point. One thing is foreigners defending him, but any turk who does so deserve everything they get. I truly hope anyone who voted for him suffer a fate worse than death (at this rate, they will). It may sound harsh, but ive seen no one in power except for this absolute sorry of an excuse, cunt of a man. My teens and childhood was wasted away with terrorist attacks and a staged coup, along with a power hungry man who made every walking day of my life worse than what it could have been.

Basically, wish us the best of luck i guess lol.

personal

Hi, need to scream. Tumblr seems to listen best. can and please feel free to ignore.

okay so essentially my job has removed all of the things I use and need in order to be able to do my job with my mental disorder. my mental DISABILTY. that i was honest with them and told them about at my freaking trial shift. that i told them i needed certain things in order to do well. nothing drastic. but things that helped me significantly with my performace.

SOOOOOOOOO i am now severely struggling at my job because they've taken those away cuz they were 'annoying' or 'in the way' or 'clutter'. like. im not even leaving shit every where. It's like, maybe at most 3 sticky notes? (for example) and they're written just for me, like just so i can have a list of things i can do and know to go back and look on when i need a task because ive finished the one i was doing. but then my boss reads them and critiques them as if they're for everyone. or says 'okay yeah but we do that every day so i dont see why you have to write it down. you should know to do it by now' LIKE BRO. I forget to put deodorant on some days because of said mental disability. it's something i do and have done every day since i was 12 or 13. thats 12 years. and i still forget some days just cuz my brain wasn't working properly.

AND now due to this they have put me, one of the staff currently with more seniority than 3 other staff, down to one shift a week, while every one else is full time or heavily part time.

In march i was full time and kicking ass, I was the fastest employee on my tasks, i was doing great, the customers loved me and now that all of my things that i need in order to function have been removed for everyone else's aesthetic preferences, I'm suffering, and most likely being silently fired.

like... what do i do with that. I can do my job, with my accomadations - that arent that many btw - i dont expect them to move mountains for me. But dude. I hate this feeling so much because i'm capable, theyve seen me be capable. i was for 1.5 years. like i want to be good at my job. I like and enjoy being good at my job. i've told them that. I want to do good but my ability to be good is being derailed, and i just get told to try harder, just work harder, impress your boss with how hard you work -> for minimum wage, i might add.

and everyone is like "just get a new job, just apply for more jobs you're not applying for enough, literally just apply for everything, even if youre not qualified" and i cant just do that, due to said disability. there are jobs i am unable to do. so i have to be a lil picky otherwise i'll be right back where i am now. and ive been looking for months and applying for months with no luck - no one ever responds. why list jobs if you dont respond?????

it's getting to the point where im debating opening up drawing commissions or writing commissions, or something that i can make to earn a little extra cash here and there while i get over this transition period. And that's a big deal for me because i don't do commissions. I do my art for myself or for when i want to share something i've made already, like the UTWT books. Hell, I did a tattoo design for a friend on here that i put easily 40 hours into, and i felt guilty that they wanted to pay me for it because i'd asked them for the idea. Like, i don't do commissions. so for me to be considering it is really telling for me.

anyways. this is a bajillion words long now, but i already feel better. and I'm posting it in the middle of the night in hopes that the void just consumes it and never lets it see the light of day.

If you read this, thanks and sorry for the bummer of a post. This isnt a pity party or a poor yoon thing. I'm not looking for comfort or any of that. this is a 'i don't have a therapist and my friends and partner and family are sick of hearing me bitch, when i havent been able to fix it in months despite trying my best too' thing. so yeah..

i hope the new year brings me something good.

i am so glad that its not just me who went "hans landa has some homofag shit going on"

because see you all know im constantly on that yaoi cocaine so i thought it was just me being average anime fan again but HANS LANDA FROM INGLORIOUS BASTERDS IS A HOMOSEXUAL! what tipped me off personally is the fact that the entire movie hes incredibly confident and suave and never stumbles in his speech. his actor is purposeful with what he does and the only time he stumbles is when hes doing his monologue to rainer to propose a deal and says the name "hermann". I hadnt heard his voice falter or stumble in the slightest for the entire movie it really stuck out to me. And whats more is when hermann is shot that is the only time in the entire movie that Landa expresses any degree of genuine shock and weakness. Now this can be written off as him realizing that Rainer is not making good on their deal, but the thing is that he says "I made a deal with you gentlemen for that mans life". It's a very strange thing to say, since I think that Landas selfishness and ability to turn a blind eye to others suffering by accepting things because theyre not happening to him it is a key component to his character. Landa is not the type of man who would say that he made a deal for another's life in this situation. if he was only shocked about the deal being broken, he would just say that theyre breaking the deal, but not say a line that suggests that he thinks that the deal was more for hermanns life than his own. A thing that my bro (LMV) pointed out also is that in the beginning Landa says that he knows what people can do once they abandon their dignity. This is of course meant to be taken by the farmer as him being very knowledgable with the places that Jewish people could be hiding, but in the context of him being gay this gets a greater meaning since it creates a double meaning where he also is admitting that he understands because hes a "rat" himself. Landas character is a whole 'nother enchilada, but to boil it down he is an incredibly selfish man. He's not a monster with no critical thought and only vile hatred towards Jews fueling his engines; hes a human and a monster by choice. I think that theres a common misconception that showing the humanity in a horrible person = symapthy for that person because to me I think it only makes them more terrible in my eyes. Landa is a human just like us and couldve done the right thing, but he still chose the wrong thing to do. He could've pulled a hugo and done all he could to kill the nazis around him or sacrifice his life to not be apart of the evil regime or literally anything except what he chose to do, which was undoubtedly the worst option possible; become fucking colonel nazi. when i watch a supernatural horror movie I often cant bring myself to fully hate the demon because it feels like hating a tornado. Yeah i hate it destroyed my house and im scared of it but i cant really hate it since what did I expect its a tornade it was born to do that lol it cant really do anything else. but Landa doesn't get this pass and recieves my full unadulterated hatred. He isnt a monster with no critical thought who was born with no other drive than to kill and slaughter, he's a man just like all of us who actively choses evil because he's selfish and vile. Yes, he has motives. yes, it wouldve been much harder to do the right thing. but at the end of the day he still chose the wrong thing to do. and to me that makes him so so much more incredibly sickening because he couldve done good, but he simply continues to choose evil everyday because thats easier and more advantageous to himself than doing whats right. And in essence it would be incredibly in character of him to be a "rat" who acts as a "hawk" because he was born in a hawks nest, might as well play the part and stay within it. He is mentioned as a womanizer a few times, but I personally believe that Landa would create this rumor himself to put away any and all suspicion of him being gay, since I think thats the natural first thing someone would do if they were gay and trying to hide it.

He's a master of manipulation and words, so of course he's going to be able to keep the rumor solid with no leaks.

I just think that Landa definately was homofag for Hermann and personally like the movie a lot more with that in mind. Because not only does it add more meaning to his words and give you even more insight into his motivations and ideas and character (especially with the thought that he knows how it feels to be hunted. so instead of helping those who are being hunted he becomes a hunter himself) but also it makes the ending so much more satisfying. because personally I agree with literally everything Rainer says like I dont care i think all nazis should die and be tortured with no mercy they chose this fate when they chose to be a nazi. They have motivations for why, but we all have motivations for why we do the things we do. the right thing is almost always harder to do than the wrong thing and the matter of fact is that they chose to be a nazi instead of anything else in the world so they deserve no mercy. ngl im so glad rainer carved the swatstika on Landas head because I was going to throw a fit if Landa deadass just got off scott free. And i think it's actually a fitting substitute punishment to death too since Landa has to spend the rest of his days with a permanent reminder to everyone that he's a horrible person and suffer the consequences that come with being a horrible person (everyone hates him and hopefully punches nazis everyday SO TRUE!!!!). And i think if hermann was his lover thatd make his punishment even better. Since he had to witness the love of his life be shot before him and live the rest of his life knowing that he caused his lovers demise. His plan caused the only person in the world he loved more than himself to be killed and scalped and he just has to live with that forever now. its sooo much better i think that kind of torture is soooooooooo deserved tbh to me itd be a fate worse than death because id look at my hands and think to myself "i did all of this to make sure wed live together. and i still failed. what was this all for?". its so fucking well deserved ITS SO RIGHTEOUS!!! EVERY HORRIBLE THING LANDA DID WAS FOR FUCKING NOTHING BECAUSE AT THE END OF THE DAY HERMANN STILL DIED! HIS RANK AND ACOMPLISHMENTS AND SINS MEAN NOTHING BECAUSE IT DIDNT PROTECT HIM-- IF ANYTHING IT CAUSED HERMANN TO DIE FROM A FIREY BULLET OF JUSTICE! AAUAGWHWH YES..... YES....!!!! I LOVE WELL DESERVED TORTURE. EAT SHIT AND DIE LANDA LETS FUCKING GO!!!!!! okay i need to stop myself before i get a little too into it. but yeah i think landa deserves a fate worse than death and i believe hermann being his lover solidifies that he does get that (THANK GOD)

anyways guys i really liked inglorious basterds its even better with yaoi cocaine please have a whiff before you watch for the best experience 😍

Leans in again// also what is your whole headworld with springle? Did he escape his hell chamber in your story and now lives with the reader? Is he just Out There in the woods? Do tell

tbh i dont really have a story w/springtrap n y/n...........the thought of making anything y/n and springer related flusters me so bad afijdslkfsjdfksdfj never experienced this w/a character b4 like. making self insert of the dca was EASY! i cant draw/think of anything self insert-y w/springer w/out turning inta a blushing pink mess. i just kinda Draw Him Hot and thats it skfjskdfskdfj any scenarios i think of are just him in isolation as a character. real talk i think that he hangs out in fazbear frights, it burns so he gets out, and he just kind of wanders for a while until fnaf 6

but IF i was ta brainstorm rq......

i think him being able ta manipulate a fazbear frights employee inta letting him out would be interesting. a sort of start of the Cult of Afton idea that fnaf was seemingly building upta b4 security breach (something i was really jiving w/until the game came out and. well. we all saw what they did). this would b his "oh wait im a suave bastard and can use this ta my advantage" moment. he just acts like this pathetic little meow meow and i think that the reader not actually being able to SEE him would aid in this. hes just a disembodied voice begging for help and who are you ta turn your cheek when someone is in need? hes very careful that you dont see him tho (you might not wanna help him if you see him) and you have no idea who this velvety get rough voice belongs ta. and yet he pulls you in, talkin about all the torture hes suffered, how hes gonna get out and "set things right" (hes very vague)

eventually you do see him. in aaalll his whore eyed glory. hes the star animatronic of fazbear frights? AND hes trapped here? well thats doubly awful. never trust corporations afterall, they'll do anything ta make a quick buck, they'd parade around a corpse if they knew it would rake in the dough. he wouldn't reveal much of himself, just enough so that YOU open up and hes able to better cater himself ta your personality. he'd reveal that hes "haunted" sure. you'll buy that. ghosts are real and they can haunt animatronics you dont really need anything else, just ta know that hes suffering here. sure they're boldfaced lies at times, but a mans gotta do what a mans gotta do. but whoops! in his efforts ta seem like a tragic Little Guy and get in close ta you he accidentally got attached ta you! a horrible decision really. now he feels bad. but hes in so deep. what will he do?

if we follow the canon fnaf timeline where fazbear frights burns i mean. dudes probably hangin out in the woods. not really much of an opportunity ta meet ppl there. if hes hanging out like around the woods of a city maybe he finds himself in some persons house that like,,,,tinkers w/animatronics and/or finds them interesting? and he plays "dead" (ha) as they fix him up. they treat him in such a kind and gentle manner hes sort of captivated by them? like they dont know hes alive obviously but as the days go on and they just continue day after day ta come back n check up on him, clean him up, fix parts of him, talk ta him so gently and treat him as this delicate cherished thing (that he knows he isnt) they grow on him. he'd also probably hear conversations through the walls of the room hes in, and whenever they'd come in maybe they'd talk ta themselves or ta him abt their day and stuff and as he learns more abt them as a person his love for them grows.

i dont really see the latter ending up well. very uh. onesided LMAOOO KSJFKSJDFKSDJ HE JUST FUCKING STANDS UP WHEN Y/N THINKS HES JUST SOME SILLY ROBOT AND IS LIKE, "I love you," AND Y/N JUST FUCKIN SCREAMS AND RUNS OUT OF THE HOUSE or like after hes done getting fixed up he gets up and just. fuckin leaves. and its painful cuz at this point hes attached but also it would never work out. i mean. look at him. y/n would never love him like that. yk?

wow i wrote a lot uh. anyways.

🌻 Ed harm reduction tips!!! 🌻

🌱 Tips for less brain fog 🌱

(Plz block, dont report)

Hi guys! I know a lot of ed sufferers struggle with low energy and tiredness, especially during winter, so I thought I'd make a cheat sheet of how to boost up your energy levels when a low energy diet is impacting your ability to focus and live your life to its fullest! Obviously the best solution is to up your calories, but this isnt possible for everyone.

🌸🌼🏵🌸🌼🏵🌸

There are, in my mind, 5 factors that impact our energy levels on any given day -- this is excluding extenuating circumstances like if you are chronically ill of course.

Food 🍎

Water 💧

Sleep 🛏

Temperature ❄

Exercise 👟

1. Food

Obviously this is the main factor that we are lacking in when we restrict. Low calories can lead to brain fog and fatigue, and so during extreme restriction we need to try and combat this by really focusing on the non-food factors listed above that can hinder our energy levels. However, even in the framework of a very low calorie diet, there are certain foods that will lead to less fatigue, such as more nutrient dense foods. But, I'm no expert on nutrition, and it's very complex and debatable, so I wont explore that here! You can do some research if you like.

2. Water

Dehydration is a massive energy killer! Most regular people dont get the recommended water in a day, and because we are lacking water that other people get from food, we are even more at risk of dehydration. Additionally, if you exercise a lot, you will need even more water than that! Drinking water also burns calories (a bit) and reduces cravings, so there is nothing to lose. Please let me know if you want me to expand on the importance of water.

3. Sleep

8 hours are so essential to optimal brain functioning and wakefulness. Fat loss is also harder for the body on too little sleep, so do try to get 8 hours.

4. Temperature

Personally, I find that food cravings and fatigue are increased by being cold. Being cold can cause the body to slow down and reduce blood/oxygen flow to certain body parts, leading to more drowsiness and sleepiness. To keep yourself more high energy, dress in warm clothes when it's cold and maybe bring a thermos of warm water, tea or coffee with you! This can also help hydration.

Alternatively, being too warm can also cause drowsiness, as it makes the body think that it is in bed and therefore encourages sleep. To combat this, try and perhaps have some cold water with you instead that you can sip when you feel like sleeping.

5. Exercise

Being too inactive throughout the day can cause sluggishness and lethargy. Sometimes just a walk down your street can help wake you up (and this can go hand in hand with the temperature point). Simple exercises inside can also help you wake up! At times when I've been studying while fasting and felt sleepy, a piece of gum really helped me wake up as well, due to the motion it requires from the jaw.

🌹🌻🌷🌹🌻🌷🌹🌻🌷🌹🌻🌷

I hope this was useful to someone and that it's made you consider the different energy sources you can use when food isn't an option currently, rather than zoning out and being unfocused in your day to day life. Take care!

i suffer from this annoying problem you see-

i want to do more, i really think i do- but i just feel so confined by my current living situation where i am consantnly around my family- you see in 2020 my father mother and eldest sister had to move in with my older sister and i because of covid costing my parents their jobs- i wasn't exactly doing stellar before this but i was feeling like i was starting to get a handle on my life and starting to figure important things out- but since the move i feel like ive had to put that all on halt......

i stopped going to online therapy because i have no privacy to do so and feel safe because if i wanted to get any real progress id have to talk about my family and my childhood whici i do NOT want any of them hearing about and i cant go physically because i cant drive and i dont want to waste more gas and the time of the others- i stopped drawing because i have no privacy to safely express myself without their eyes unless if i lock myself in my room which they will judge me for and now my dominant hand is permanantly injured making it painful to draw unless im careful about it- i am confined downstairs in the living room most of the time because i need to watch my dog (this is on me though I can accept that) so i feel like i have no space for myself and when i take leisure time feel nothing but guilt everytime my family comes by- they love teasing me over the dog too saying i dont do enough i dont know how much theyre joking i already feel like shit all the time so i dont really appreciate the jabs- being on here is the one consistant thing i can muster up enough energy to do- but even so not without constant guilt- most days off dont feel like much of anything.

its hard even to engage in my interests anymore- dont have the time, dont have the energy, dont have the privacy, dont have the intelligence, dont have the confidence, idk... just been tough lately i guess.

not even my room offers much respite- my parents room is right across and they love to keep their door open- i feel them watching everytime i go in

i feel stuck

i feel like im wasting my life

i feel like i will never get out of here

i do not know what to do

i dont think theres even anything waiting for me even if i can

tw suicide talk

i cant go back to school because i have no idea what i want to do with my life- theres so much pressure for me to be succesful and each day i feel like more and more of a failure- and i know if i try and fail again i might end up trying to kill myself like i did last time

but to be honest i know i cant even kill myself because i know the cost of a funeral wont be worht it and because im too much of a coward to do so

but staying alive isnt much better when you feel like a constant financial drain and worthless layabout all the time

and everytime i think i find some sort of plan or some way out its like a carrot on a stick thats tugged away from me like a joke

it's so funny- i was openyl gushing about how hopeful i felt and now realitys crashing back down once again! there's no getting out of here.

to make it all worse this year has been terrible for me healthwise- im falling apart in so many ways and i feel even worse about being a waste of money-

i dont feel like i can talk to any of them about how awful i feel- most of the time any attempt to do so ends poorly and even when it doesnt nothing changes- i dont know where to make heads or tails of it all- i know im to blame for a lot of my own issues i know i overreact and take things too personally- i feel like i paint an unfair picture of them sometimes but eveyr day feels harder to keep on going- i already struggled with doing basic shit to take care of myself but recently it feels impossible

they did always say i just dont care enough- either its always been true or at some point became it.

i dont want to go to my stupid fucking job that bores the shit out of me- but i have to- i have to be of use somehow- i didnt sleep last night- i dont want to go to work because when im at work i just think about all the things i could be doing- actually useful or fufilling things i know i wont do on my day off despite how badly i wish i was while at my job

but i have to- it's almost time- so i guess i will.

whats the point of writing all of this- a cry for help maybe? pity seeking maybe even if i try to deny it over and over- i guess im just nearing my breaking point- something about these ast few months have been really grueling lately- again probably to do with all the suddent medical issues and the fact that my 20's are halfway done and i have nothing of worth to show for it- i dont know what to do i dont think im ever escaping this place and maybe thats for the best

I’m not a good person- I have all the same horrible traits they do. I just hide it on here to appear more likable.

im 25- its too late- ive wasted my entire life- it was always going to end this way everyone whose ever knwon me could see it thats why they all gave up on me- i did too. theres no point in prentending i can be fixed and wasting any more money. i feel like a ghost in this house watching life pass by. i feel like a stupid child trapped in an adults body.

i dont know what to do anymore-everything feels like sawdust.

But I’ll be fine… I’m numbing it all out. I don’t feel enough to want to hurt myself this time. like i said i have to go to work soon

im going to go downstairs and my mother will see my horribly messy hair and she'll make some annoyed comment about me needing to brush and ask me to run my fingers throught the tangles and we'll go to work. and i'll tell stupid jokes to try to make her smile because its the least i can do.

despite it all i love them still- but some days i wish i could love them from a safe distance.

im tempted to delete this like i do with all my breakdowns that i post on blogs that arent my vent blog but i think i'll keep this one up- because deep down i think i do want some advice or help or something- i cant keep living like this. i dont know what to do to stop. i just wish i had more to offer in return.

or maybe i just need to yell- whatever- doesnt matter- i'll go back to my usual postings on both of my active blogs regardless of whatever happens after this post-im sure i'll regret it later and try to just ingore this and hope you all too but it's like 4 am so whose even gonna see this lol

This is 100% some specific part, just dont know who I am right now. I am just... tired and pissed, and I have enough control to say things I'm not usually allowed to say.

First, and honestly the less severe of the two offenders: this fucking school. The only other school in the area with the same program is more than double the cost. So transfering isnt really an option. But i hate HATE having to keep an eye out for a short list of professors who want me kicked out of this program. I finished this semester and as i got ready to leave the final class, the teacher said goodbye with such vitriol. I pointed out that it sounded like get out. Her response was "well..." then she tipped her head like i had a point then walked away. I hate sitting here and praying her bias doesnt tank my grade in that class. I kind of like my 4.0. I hate that i will have to spend the next two years here watching my back. I've stopped keeping my diagnosis a secret. I will not sit back and let this school teach my fellow students that DID is a mythical creature when the 12 month prevalance rate is HIGHER than bipolar, OCD, and anorexia (at least according to the DSM-V. I dont own the TR yet). I wont hide when i have in ACTUAL EMAIL the CHAIR of the department saying I "am not allowed to continue in this program until such a time as I am cured of my disability." Sure its resolved for now, but I know I am holding a smoking gun.

And the fact that DID celebrities on tiktok and twitter are on a hate campaign against professionals? Yeah, triggering that anger more. Fuck them for roping me in with the entire profession. For making parts of us feel WRONG for wanting to enter the field cause theyre all getting painted as villains right now. They talk about professionals not listening to people with DID as if there are not professionals practicing RIGHT NOW who have DID. Talk about being stuck in the middle, when both your fellow professionals and your clients hate you.

And second, our husband: Who still refuses to use preferred pronouns. Who was OFFENDED when he found out we have male alters and accused us of being trans. Who still says it was okay to try and give us an exorcism when our DID first started showing (and the fact the first part claimed to be a demon is beginning to feel like a flimsy excuse). Who eats out meals without telling us then gets offended if we do the same. That I have to RATIONALIZE every single purchase with. Every single dollar spent has to be reported and labeled as to why we bought it so he can balance the budget. But like... we are paying out of our own bank account that is filled exclusively with our student loan money. So... why? Unleas he doesnt actually think we will get a job after this degree and is constantly preparing to take on our medical and grocery expenses. But we don't have the money to leave him and no support network in the area to help. Who still defends himself saying it was my BIBLICAL DUTY to give him sex. Who went a year without and growled out that he will NEVER go that long without sex again, and that sounded an awful lot like a threat at the time. The man that so many of us are still scared to talk to about anything remotely related to politics because its more important for him to stand up for his political beliefs than comfort our fears. Birth control, trans rights, riots, shuts all of those thoughts down with his anger. And yet, I'm in the minority on leaving this relationship. The others dont think its that bad. That he can get better. That he's TRYING to get better. As if him trying to get better absolves him of suffering any sort of punishment for his past actions. And the marriage counselor AGREES. Says things arent getting better in the relationship because we wont let go of the past. That its our TRAUMA and resulting trust issues ruining the relationship.

I'm tired of swallowing down acid when I feel like I have every right to be spitting it in other people's faces. But the others beg me to. And for the life of me, I cannot convince the others otherwise. They wont listen to me.

Do you recommend anything for helping with internalized homophobia? Today I added the title of a folder "lesbian pride" and realised how much it scares me to actually call myself a lesbian. What if I'm bi??? Honestly one of the biggest intrusive thoughts whenever I even just wanna write "I'm a lesbian" because I used to id as bi, I rlly thought I was at first. Then I realised how much I don't actually like men. But it's weird because penis drawings don't irck me, so wtf. The thought of being with a real breathing man does though, that sounds awful.

But the problem is that I'm still young. I've been with nobody yet!!! I'm 18 tho, so not THAT young, yet what if I somehow fall for a man in the future, I just...

Maybe it sounds messed up, but I don't wanna suffer discrimination for it to be 'my fault' (not as in, I or any gay person deserves it, but in the way of making it more difficult for myself by myself) in the end. And more than anything, I'd also hate to prove homophobic relatives and people right.

For these reasons I don't call myself a lesbian. Nor do I call myself bi because it doesn't feel right. I just try to avoid refering to myself as a lesbian and write instead "I love women" or "I only love women" or "as someone who loves women"...

I don't want to do that though, I just want to get rid of this uncertainty and like. Stop feeling embarassed/afraid about it or whatever. I can't identify the feeling well.

being comfortable with calling yourself a lesbian or bisexual or whatever it is that you are often takes time and patience from my experience. when i first came out, i called myself “sapphic” or “gay” bc something about the word “lesbian” sounded so strong and scary to me. take your time tbh, maybe try it out here and there but don’t push too hard to use a certain term. if you’re uncertain of yourself still you can keep exploring your sexuality and figuring out your feelings. i wish sexuality were so black n white and we could just always know immediately bc it’d make things easier but it simply isn’t. being wrong is possible and i went thru a similar point as u, but after some time it becomes unavoidable really. like you’ll automatically come to the conclusion of “well… im x years old now. never been into a man. never been interested. still don’t find them attractive” and thus, calling yourself a lesbian is only rational. it’s also hard to have that confidence in your sexuality if you’re inexperienced, some ppl manage but ime most do not. i think you should give yourself time and don’t rush it too much, bc it often does come naturally, with time & experience & confidence.

also not being disgusted by a penis DRAWING isnt necessarily a reflection of your sexuality. i doubt most heterosexual women will have much of a reaction to vulva drawings. most straight men will draw dicks everywhere.

Pssst... Try not to take what they say in interviews too seriously. Sometimes things will be intentionally vague or an outright lie to confuse or appease people or throw them off from something. Ennis is infamously known for that although I don't think everyone realizes he does this, but he's also working on the show with them.

They said Marie surviving "wasn't as simple as them needing her alive" and it's kinda funny to see fans take it one way or the other when that can be so many different things in context of The Boys universe and especially what we saw in Gen V.

"Plans to kill Homelander" is Billy every season without success, but even if he did, I think we'll see him getting haunted by Homelander big time after the fact. I still want Hughie to be the one who kills Billy but maybe it's beyond the grave Homelander who's there as Billy is dying instead of Becca. I think that would be fitting and Billy honestly deserves it.

There's definitely an element of groundwork they are following from the comics which has been pretty consistent but what I really suspect will happen is that the control virus will end up used on Homelander by someone to purely weaponize him. I think we'll see him become an attack dog and fully efficient berserker without getting to enjoy any of it and having a different sort of mental break after.

The comics sort of rob you of the gratification Homelander's death could give and I think they want to recreate that effect for the show but who knows.

The scary part for me is all the genocide apologism that is going around but The Boys is sort of meant to unmask people and have us reevaluate the way we think so I guess I shouldn't be too surprised. Still hurts though.

As far as Cate "going too far", he's technically right. Not because Shetty wasn't a complete scumbag who wouldn't deserve death, but because she'd been completely neutralized with Cate's powers.

Neutralizing someone by killing them and killing someone who has already been neutralized are two very different things. Just jail her and let her suffer and stew in her own anger and actions knowing she lost at that point because death is the easy way for someone like that. She asked for them to just make her forget but Cate should have forced her to remember or even live through the memories of her victims.

Actually, if they wanted to make Billy fail and survive with Homelander permanently haunting him I'd be completely down for that because fuck that genocidal shithead.

Lol I don't know if this will make you feel any better but just things to think about I guess.

I could see Homie being a ghost haunting Billy as Billy already hallucinates Homelander for some reason that they still havent explained but he its a cash cow for Amazon and they might not just give us 5 seasons so I doubt the execs would want to get rid of him... the writers ans Kripke might hate HL but audiences have proven he its likable and profitable and frankly the idea that all of HL fans are maga type fascist its absurd bcuz my gay brown ass sure as fuck isnt maga and i adore him.

Its getting clear that they will copy the comic to some degree like Homie building an army to have a coup and Billy wanting to use a virus to commit genocide.

Will disagree on Cate v Shetty cuz absolutely nothing she did was wrong in my opinion and yes am being an apologist but i dont feel anything for killing child abusers like absolutely nothing. this bitch was Voguelbaum lite and everybody in the woods deserved it. My only issue its just how jarring the writing and ediring made the whole scene play out but its likely the shortened ep count and time per ep did that.

My ideal ending its Homelander winning and realizing it didnt fix anything and that now he its even more alone than before. I think bad guys winning its the most subversive thing for the stale af genre of superhero media. I want him to win not bcuz i love him but bcuz it would be more devastating for the narrative and shocking to the audience if he did.