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summerroomspring · 2 months

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random thoughts about the 'cookie dough' speech

Buffy Summers : I'm well aware of my stellar history with guys... (sighs, leans beside Angel) And, no, I don't see fat grandchildren in the offing with Spike, but I don't think that really matters right now. (chuckles) You know, in the midst of all this insanity, a couple things are actually starting to make sense. And the guy thing— (sighs) I always feared there was something wrong with me, you know, because I couldn't make it work. But maybe I'm not supposed to.

Okay. I'm cookie dough... I'm not done baking. I'm not finished becoming whoever the hell it is I'm gonna turn out to be. I make it through this, and the next thing, and the next thing, and maybe one day, I turn around and realize I'm ready. I'm cookies. And then, you know, if I want someone to eat m- or enjoy warm, delicious, cookie me, then... that's fine. That'll be then... when I'm done.

Angel : Any thoughts on who might enjoy... Do I have to go with the cookie analogy?

Buffy Summers : I'm not really thinking that far ahead. That's kind of the point.

Angel : I'll go start working on the second front. Make sure I don't have to use it.[starts to leave]

Buffy Summers : Angel... I do... sometimes think that far ahead.

Angel : Sometimes is something.

Buffy Summers : Be a long time coming. Years, if ever.

Angel : I ain't gettin' any older.

I've never liked this speech, and not just because I find the "warm cookie Buffy" metaphor gross. Like a lot of things in Chosen, it feels like it's here because "something for the Bangel shippers" and "a female empowerment moment where Buffy realizes it's okay to be single for awhile so that shippers will leave us alone" were both on the writers' checklist of things that should be in a BTVS finale, rather than because it made sense for the story and characters.

Buffy having a moment where she realizes that maybe it's okay if she doesn't "make it work" with a guy for awhile feels like a weird lesson to learn. Has Buffy been obsessed with finding the right guy for the past couple seasons? She was never trying to make it work with Spike, they never even dated. Her relationships with Spike and Riley both suffered from her being emotionally closed off (maybe because she still saw Angel as her true love and couldn't commit to anyone else) not her being afraid to be alone and desperate to make things work.

Also, does this speech take place in an alternate dimension where Angel isn't the one who broke up with Buffy, and Buffy "brushing him off for Spike" is the reason Bangel aren't together? Am I the only one who remembers how Angel left her because he wanted her to have a normal life, and he couldn't give that to her?

Despite the fact that Angel's the one who left Buffy, and seems to have accepted the fact they're not together (even when Buffy died, Angel mourned but was okay) in Chosen he's acting like he's been rejected by her, or like he's changed his mind for unexplained reasons and suddenly thinks they could be together. Considering Angel's behavior in this episode and ATS S5, it starts to seem like Angel's sudden pining after Buffy has less to do with him changing his mind about the likelihood of him and Buffy ever being able to be together, and is either triggered entirely by his rivalry with Spike, or by the fact that his family in L.A. has fallen apart, and retreating into an old fantasy of being with Buffy some day is a coping mechanism for him.

I don't mind Angel's bejavior in TGIQ (where he also acts like a rejected ex of Buffy's) as much as I do here, because there it's just transparently played for comedy because the writers found Spike and Angel's dynamic hilarious. And I also like Spike and Angel's dynamic, so I'll take it.

#chosen #btvs #ats #meta

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oneweirdbookaddict · 7 months

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Whumptober day eighteen!

Wars gets taken by some people who are upset about the war.

2255 words

Warnings- Lots of talk about death, deserving to die, survivors guilt, injuries, flashbacks. Really really mild torture. (Like just slapping a few times.) Mentions of kids (a teenager) dying, war, battles. Let me know if there’s anything I should add to this list. Stay safe y’all!

~~~~

An itchy blindfold covers his eyes.

That’s the first thing he notices.

Then- wait, I’m tied to a chair and blindfolded. That’s a problem.

He’s got to have a concussion, considering his slow, stupid mind right now and the fact that he has no memory whatsoever of what happened.

Don’t draw attention to the fact that you’re awake… check if you still have the knife in your sleeve…

He mentally runs through his checklist, keeping his chin at his chest.

His arms are tied to the arms of the chair, ankles tied to the legs of the chair, and tied at the waist.

Carefully, he shifts his wrist and presses the trigger to his knife, carefully wiggling the blade into his grasp so he can cut at the binds-

He’s slapped across the face hard enough to make him see stars, someone tearing the knife from his hand.

“Good catch, almost lost him.” A voice chuckles.

“Don’t underestimate him.” A different voice says coldly.

The blindfold is yanked from his face.

He squints in the harsh, unexpected light, a headache pounding into the base of his skull immediately.

“Not so pretty now, is he?” The first voice, coming from a man with a long, filthy beard laughs softly.

“Enough.” The cold voice says, and that one comes from a woman in front of him.

A mask covers her face, so all he can see is brown eyes. Icy and glaring at him.

“Make your demands and let’s get this over with.” He mutters, sighing deeply.

“I have no demands you’ll be able to meet, Hero of Warriors.” The woman says, her ice cold voice even colder.

He leans back, chin tilting up. “I’m good at surprises. Let’s hear it.”

“Colyx Dullac.” The woman says, her icy voice shaking slightly.

The name slices through him like a knife, making him falter.

“Ah, you know him? I expected less, to be honest.”

“From the seventh artillery.” He says, the unwelcome memory slamming into him.

He’s in a tent, well into the night, and there’s a rustling at the entrance.

“Captain, Sir?”

He looks up from his map, meeting the eyes of a kid, a mere kid-

“What can I do for you?” He asks, pushing the thought away.

He doesn’t bother correcting the titles- it doesn’t matter.

“My name is Colyx, Captain, Sir. Colyx Dullac.”

When there's an awkward pause, he nods. “Nice to meet you, Sir Dullac.”

“Ah- well, see, Captain, Sir-”

“Link, Colyx.” He suggests gently. This kid… isn’t much younger than he is. Being called Captain has always made him uncomfortable.

The kid’s eyes widen, but nods. “Link, Captain, Sir, I was wondering if I could serve with you.”

He pauses. “I fail to understand. Serve with me?”

“Yes, Link, Captain, Sir! I’m currently stationed with the seventh artillery, but I was wondering if I could transfer and serve under your command.”

He can’t help but to frown. “The seventh artillery is in training.”

“Yes, Link, Captain, Sir, but we’re almost graduated, and I’m at the top of my class. With special permission… I’d be able to serve with you. I’m excellent with a sword, and a bow, and I-”

He holds up a hand, and Colyx stops immediately.

“I’ll look into your file, I’ll have someone get back to you shortly.” He promises.

The kid looks like he’d offered him a thousand rupees and the door to a different country- one not torn apart by war.

“Thank you Link, Captain, Sir!”

“Yeah.” He says, turning back to his map. Takes a slow breath, looking at where they have troops.

Mostly to himself, mutters, “Ganon’s forces outnumber us three to one here… avoid direct conflict if possible… we have an advantage here, but need more troops before trying an offensive… it’ll take at least a week for that to happen… in the meantime-”

“Keep your troops hidden while watching the enemy. Keep eyes on their movements, see if any of your soldiers can get an idea of their plans.” Colyx says, and he turns to the kid and raises an eyebrow.

“Go on.” He offers.

The kid hesitates, then- “We have an advantage here due to the landscape- they’re working against the hills, but we’re working with them. We can make an attack here. The town is over defended right now- we can evacuate and plan a huge offensive there or send troops to needed areas. To avoid needless casualties I’d suggest-”

The kid cuts off again, looking hesitantly at him.

He nods, smiling for the first time in days. “Suggest sending the troops out? Excellent… you’ve done your reading, haven’t you? You went to academy.”

“Yes, Sir.” Colyx says breathlessly.

He puts a hand on Colyx’s shoulder, offering a smile. “You start training with me tomorrow morning. Sunrise, be only a few minutes late.”

The look the kid gives him makes this whole damn war seem less shitty, the burning world seem less on fire.

There really is something good still- things he can do that aren’t killing people.

Two hours later, the kid is bleeding out in his arms.

“Keep your eyes on me, Soldier.” He orders, but his voice is shaking. He’s seen death before- too much of it- but this kid- this kid- something about it destroys him from the inside.

Colyx’s eyes flicker to him.

“Sir?”

“Colyx?”

“It’s going to be hard, Sir. But you’re going to make it. Don’t let them get you, Sir. Don’t let them win.”

And the kid is gone. Limp, eyes lifeless, chest still.

“I knew him.” He manages. “I remember.”

“My son fought in your pointless war. And he paid his price- his life. He thought you to be a hero- to be the savior of Hyrule as so many did. And he died.”

The woman’s voice trembles.

“He wasn’t seventeen, was he?” He whispers, eyes closing.

A small sob is his answer.

“I was fifteen when I enlisted. Looked older than I was, and I’d been on the streets my whole life… it was my way out.”

He’s punched across the face.

The man in the corner laughs. “Yeah! Hit him harder!”

The woman complies. He makes himself continue.

“Your son was like me. I saw myself in him. I offered to train him to be a captain the night he was killed.”

At that, the woman falters. Looks at him with teary eyes, hand pausing.

“He asked to serve under me and graduate early. I tested him a little bit, pretending like I was confused about a strategy to do… and he made a suggestion. A really good one. I offered to train him myself. Was walking him back to his quarters as the enemy ambushed us…”

His words falter, throat and eyes burning. But he makes himself swallow, takes a shaky breath.

“I held him as he died. He was brave until the end- even when I wasn’t. He’s much more of a hero than I am.”

The woman is crying now, hand still held over his face. “My boy… my brave little boy… he was always so brave… he wanted to enlist so badly, I thought he’d be safe… it was supposed to just be school, so I faked his age, signed his papers…”

The woman sobs, and he takes a shuddering breath.

“He’s dead because of me.” She bawls, knees hitting the ground.

“No,” he says quietly. “He’s dead because of Ganon. Because of the enemies that killed him. It wouldn’t have happened had Ganon not attacked. There’s no fault on you, nor anyone besides Ganon.”

Zelda’s words come back to him, her soft voice helping him through waves and waves of sickening guilt, panic, too many emotions to keep track of.

He’s crying, he’s screaming, he’s breaking anything he can get his hands on, that kids blood is still all over him-

“Link. Link, enough. Look at me, that is an order from your princess.”

He looks up at her, tears dripping down his face.

And she pulls him into a hug.

He completely breaks down, then, sobbing into her shoulder. He’s watched kids die, he’s sent kids to their death, he’s watched people die in much worse ways than Colyx, so why is this one hitting him so hard?

Because he could see himself in that kid. That confidence yet hesitation at the same time, the way he was a prodigy and didn’t know how to handle it, the way he wanted to do good.

Zelda’s arms hold him gently, shushing him softly, rubbing his back until he can’t cry anymore and she gets him to bed and stays with him until he falls asleep.

And they move on. They always move on. There’s no time in war- you move on or you die. Don’t let them get you, Colyx had told him. And he’d be damned if he does.

He pushes the painful thoughts away when they come, distracting himself with battles and troops and letters until he passes out at his desk.

Now he looks at Colyx’s mother, the same way Zelda must’ve looked at him when she’d found him on the floor.

“Tell me.” The woman whispers. “Tell me what happened.”

He takes a steadying breath, looking away. “Don’t.”

Then she’s angry again. “He’s my son. He was my son. I deserve an explanation- especially when the man who said he held him while he died is sitting right in front of me!”

The pain still stabs in his chest- old wounds he’d never really allowed to heal. “Don’t make me tell you.” He says weakly.

He doesn’t want to think about it, he’s already-

And he’s slapped across the face. “He is my son!” The woman screams, grabbing his shoulders and shaking him. “My son is dead! I want an explanation! That’s all I’ve wanted for two years!”

He tastes the metallic taste of blood in his mouth- she must’ve gotten his lip.

“It won’t make it hurt less. It’ll give you nightmares and flashbacks and you’ll hurt worse.” He tells her softly.

She’s crying again, tears on her face. “Please. Tell me what happened. It can’t be worse than what I’ve been imagining for two years.”

His heart hurts for this woman- the guilt that he walked away from the war when so many people didn’t.

So he takes a shuddering breath. “It wasn’t even on the battlefield. We were set up for the night, and he’d come to see me to ask about serving under me. Like I said earlier… I offered to train him as a captain myself. He was thrilled, wouldn’t stop thanking me. I offered to walk him back to his quarters… and we were on the edge of camp. Something flew by- a bomb, though we didn’t know that at the time. We both ducked, I grabbed his arm and yanked him away… then he tackled me. Took the full force of the blast, meaning… his hollow organs ruptured, he had third degree burns all over… and all I could do was hold him.” He manages.

Two years later, the memory still haunts him.

“He bled out in my arms. We weren’t even on the battlefield.” He chokes, a tear slipping down his face to his surprise. Two years… he supposes he never really let himself think about it.

They didn’t have time to grieve back then- there were battles going on, future battles to plan, soldiers to train and feed and instruct. After the war… well, he’d just shoved everything away.

He takes a shaking breath, looking at the woman.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m sorry I survived and Colyx didn’t. He should have. Not me. I never was supposed to survive.”

The woman sobs again, but takes his hand.

Slowly unties his wrist, then his other one, his legs, then his waist.

“I’m sorry.” She chokes, stepping away from him. “I never imagined… how hard it could've been for you, too. How hard… you didn’t deserve this. I’m sorry. It was his birthday yesterday… he would’ve been eighteen.” She sobs again, sinking to the floor.

He sits there for a moment, too stunned to speak, much less move. But then he slowly kneels next to the woman, Colyx’s mother, putting a hesitant hand on her shoulder.

“You’re not much older than him. I can tell.” She says shakily, wiping her eyes.

If he’d be eighteen, then no, he really isn’t.

“No,” he says quietly. “I’m not. I’d… love to learn more about him, if you’re willing to tell me.”

And it’s the truth- he wants to know the kid that died for him. The kid that looked up to him, had had one conversation with him before dying for him.

Colyx’s mother looks up at him, offering a weak smile.

If Colyx’s birthday is today… that means his is coming up soon, he realizes.

He’d read all of Colyx’s files, any work the military had put into this kid, the essays the kid wrote in school… he feels like he knows the kid pretty well. But there’s always more. There’s always more to do to learn about someone, to get to know more about a person.

“I… I think I’d like that.” She says softly, taking his hand when he offers and getting to her feet.

He has no idea where he is, he realizes stupidly. Glances around, but the woman touches his arm hesitantly. “This way,” she says quietly, leading the way out of the room.

~~~~

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ceaseless-rambler · 1 year

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Plenty of people have said this before and I am far too young to be all "kids these days" but. Did they stop teaching internet safety or do people just think it isn't important anymore? I've seen multiple people just straight up "I'm 14, here's a list of everything that might trigger me, my mental illnesses, and other assorted demographic information" and with pictures of their face public and easily accessible and it stresses me out so badly. When I was 14 I lied about what time zone I was in because I felt like that was too much information for people to have. No one knew my age or what I looked like. And while you don't need to go to the extent of lying about your time zone, it is extremely inadvisable to put a trigger list on your carrd or whatever. It's like handing people who mean you harm a checklist on how to do that. With technology the way it is, a face, a state (US, sorry), and a first name could be enough for someone to doxx you if they really wanted to put in the effort (and maybe like $10). Just please maintain some level of privacy, strangers do not need to know all of these things abiut you

#ceaseless rambles

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recreancyrpg · 2 years

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WELCOME TO RECREANCY, HARPER!

You have been accepted for the role of CARADOC DEARBORN, with the FC change of Michael B Jordan!

He is a source of information, conveying what he learns bartending and managing the less palatable deals his business is involved in. He is a man on the front lines as he demands involvement in the cause and achieving the goals of the Order, even if it ends up costing him his life. He is a supplier, taking a portion of the goods that come through his business’ doors as a toll for his discretion and not alerting the aurors of the Order. He is security for a safehouse, a friend who pours strong drinks after hard missions, the first line of defense against those sticking their nose where it doesn’t belong, and is always fast with a hex.

Please take a look at the new member checklist and send in your account within 24 hours!

OUT OF CHARACTER:

NAME & PRONOUNS: Harper, they/she/he

AGE: 21

TIMEZONE: MST

ACTIVITY LEVEL: I do work a 9-5 job five days a week, so that does limit some of my time, but I hope to be active at least every other evening and during the days on my days off (Wednesday and Thursday). I’d put it at about a 5/10. It’ll be… average, I think, but since I also intend to be available for plotting whenever, I think it evens out a bit?

ANYTHING ELSE: No triggers or squicks to be found here! Hope you like the app.

CHARACTER DETAILS:

NAME: Caradoc Dearborn

AGE: 28

GENDER, PRONOUNS, and SEXUALITY: Caradoc is a cisgender man that uses he/him/his pronouns and would, in modern terms, identify as pansexual panromantic. The world is not kind to people that are different and Caradoc has lived through that first hand. Perhaps with what had happened to his parents, someone might expect to see Caradoc cower from love, but he instead chooses to openly have relationships with all kinds of people as a form of defiance for this harsh and largely loveless world the Death Eaters are attempting to create. He’s not the most bubbly person, but he gives affection freely and openly. This is, of course, the Caradoc definition of affection, which means it’s about as friendly as a cactus and twice as prickly.

BLOOD STATUS: Half-blood

HOUSE ALUMNI: Hufflepuff

ANY CHANGES: I’d like to change Caradoc’s FC to Michael B Jordan if I may!

CHARACTER BACKGROUND:

PERSONALITY:

Caradoc is, first and foremost, a practical man. The world has demanded it of him and has seen fit to reward him for it. He is blunt, never seeing fit to deny reality as he sees it and never willing to shy away from it, not even to spare the ‘delicate feelings’ of those who might wish he would. He is also loving, though it doesn’t show in the way many people show their love. His love is the love of reality, of being forced to confront things people wish to forget and only once those realities are faced does the truth of it end up revealed: yes, the truth is harsh, but there are people behind you willing to support and help you through it. Caradoc prides himself on being one of those people, but he also prides himself on being the person individuals can come to when they need help. At the heart of Caradoc, he will always help others, even if it comes across as tough love, because he sees the value in people’s lives, even if they cannot see it themselves.

However, they are in a war, which means that the value they do not see in themselves is often not the value they want to hear about, even though that is often exactly what Caradoc will mention. He is, after all, honest, certainly to a fault. Caradoc is comfortable with confrontation, and will be the first to point out an uncomfortable truth or an overlooked aspect of this war. Part of that is his comfortability with the people he’s with. The other part is the assurance he holds that he is, ultimately, correct. This can make him one of the more egotistical members of the Order, though he doesn’t operate from a point of pride but instead from a point of care, both for those he works with and those they all fight for. If offending a few people means more people live to see tomorrow, Caradoc is all too happy to pay that price. He is happy to be the asshole behind the bar if there are people alive to think of him that way.

BRIEF OVERVIEW OF FAMILY: The Dearborn household was close, far closer than an outsider might think. They were a family that prized honesty, loyalty, and understanding in all interactions and this was something they taught their son. Because of their situation, the Dearborn family was also quick to respond to slights made against them, whether this was through a newspaper response or a sharp retort on the street. There was nothing wrong with the way they lived and they were willing to defend themselves as needed. This was also something they passed on to Caradoc. They were always prepared, having known Tom Riddle in school and having passed on stories about the man to Caradoc, and so if there is one thing bias that Caradoc has, it is towards former and current members of the Death Eaters.

Because he was raised on stories of their origins and their leader, his trust for them is minimal at best and comes out quickly and with a ferocity that belies his otherwise cool and level-headed nature. He maintains it was what his parents would have wanted and that they didn’t raise him to be a trusting idiot that falls for the first heartbreaking story to come his way. It has kept him alive thus far and will likely see him outlast those with hearts softer and more easily fooled than his. After all, didn’t his worry for his parents end up validated, albeit in the worst possible way?

OCCUPATION:

Caradoc is the owner and primary bartender of The Flaming Dragon. Because of this and the nature of that pub, he also doubles as bodyguard, doorman, janitor, a point of contact in the sales of illicit substances, and the occasional dispenser of nasty curses in punishment for breaking the few rules the pub has. If it happens in The Flaming Dragon, chances are that Caradoc has some say in it and he has his fingers in some part of that pie.

LIVING SITUATION:

As the upstairs of The Flaming Dragon has been repurposed into an Order safehouse, Caradoc has been forced to find alternative accommodations. This was something he was all too willing to do as he despised that apartment. He now lives a few blocks from The Flaming Dragon in Knockturn Alley where the rent is cheap and the security negligible, both of which are ideal for a man of Caradoc’s situation. He lives without any roommates, though he does share the same with a very ornery cat named Coriander that’s missing a paw and most of an ear. He’s also far more likely to claw someone than accept some head scritches. Caradoc finds him to be a kindred spirit, though it’s not like the animal pays rent, much to the occasional chagrin of his owner.

ORDER OF THE PHOENIX:

I see Caradoc a little bit like the jack of all trades within the Order. He is a source of information, conveying what he learns bartending and managing the less palatable deals his business is involved in. He is a man on the front lines as he demands involvement in the cause and achieving the goals of the Order, even if it ends up costing him his life. He is a supplier, taking a portion of the goods that come through his business’ doors as a toll for his discretion and not alerting the aurors of the Order. He is security for a safehouse, a friend who pours strong drinks after hard missions, the first line of defense against those sticking their nose where it doesn’t belong, and is always fast with a hex. Death Eaters are stupid. Drunk wix are stupider. Both have taught him the importance of getting your wand up quickly. Caradoc is the support, the front-line soldier, and the guard. There are few things he cannot do, and fewer spots he doesn’t feel comfortable filling in the Order’s missions. He may not be what people think of when they think of the Order of the Phoenix, but that Order would function far less than it does if Caradoc wasn’t there with it.

RELATIONSHIPS:

Hestia Jones: Hestia… Caradoc thinks Hestia has a good heart. That, at least, is in the right place. Hell, it’s hard not to like her, mostly because of that exact organ. She’s a good woman. Caradoc just wishes she was a great one. They’re all fighting a war. They’re all trying to drag people kicking and screaming into the next dawn, and that’s something worth fighting for. Why won’t Hestia fight for it right beside him on that field? There’s good to be done in support. Sometimes that’s where Caradoc does his best work after all, and he can hardly fault someone for choosing to work in it. But it’s harder to respect someone when you don’t know how they’d do under fire, who their priorities would turn to if it fell between Caradoc and their target. He doesn’t know how she manages pain and what gets her to grit her teeth to get them both out of there. There are things you can only know about someone on a battlefield, and Caradoc struggles finding that knowledge about Hestia without it. She does good work, but Caradoc can’t trust her to make the calls needed in the field. He can’t trust her to have his back. Therefore, he can’t help but wonder how much this organization actually needs her. He’s better off going into a situation alone than trusting Hestia Jones to have his back.

Alastor Moody: Alastor Moody is the opposite to Hestia Jones in Caradoc’s mind. There is someone he can predict, someone whose calls are not only able to be anticipated but are reliable enough one can almost be there before they’re given. That is someone who would make the calls Caradoc dare not and be strong enough to live on despite the weight those calls would leave behind. Alastor is someone Caradoc is proud to follow, and more importantly, he trusts him to make the calls needed, even if that means Caradoc doesn’t make it home. There are few people that could handle that in the Order, and fewer still that Caradoc would follow with the loyalty he shows Alastor. But, given Alastor’s experience and the things Caradoc recognizes as signs of someone who's spent years fighting, there is no one else Caradoc would like at the head of the Order, and no one he would rather follow into death or victory.

James Potter: Look, Caradoc knows what it’s like to feel invulnerable, to feel like the world is at your feet and daring you to make something of yourself. He was there. He experienced that same all-consuming ego-trip that seemed to feed James Potter in his early years at the Order. But the loss of his family cut that from Caradoc as neatly as a severing spell. He’d thought the months of torture would have done something similar to James, brought that golden boy back to Earth where the rest of them lived and fought and bled and died. Somehow, he was wrong. If the grapevine was to be trusted, Caradoc can’t even pin that ego on Lily and her blinding effect on the boy anymore. No, it appears to be an entirely natural James Potter phenomenon and the boy, for anyone who behaves like that cannot be a man, seems determined to poke and push and prod the world around him as if daring it to kill him. Caradoc might not be willing to go that far, but he isn’t above throwing some giggle water into his drink the next time he comes in with Hestia. The boy has to learn his lesson eventually if he wants to see next week, next month, next year. Caradoc is not above dragging him kicking and screaming towards it, even if that means breaking that idiotic heart on the way.

Gwenog Jones: People like Gwenog and him learn at an early age that there is a benefit to fighting fiercely, to defending them and theirs from any that wish to do them harm, especially in the Muggle world. Neither the wixen nor non-magical world sees them, half-blooded and Black, as anything as an obstacle. But Caradoc had followed Gwenog’s career. He’d bought Quidditch merch for the first time in his life and it was for the Harpies, because of her. He could see what she was trying to do and had seen the same defeat that passed over Gwenog’s face in her interviews in his mother’s when the world saw fit to stand in her way and tell her she couldn’t. What happened to Gwenog was a tragedy. More than that, it was a bloody disgrace. Where were the aurors, the Ministry and their so-called commitment to justice when that spell found the one Black half-blood on that pitch that night? If there’s anyone entitled to a free drink or five, it’s that girl. She’s got Caradoc at her back if she ever needs it. He just hopes she never will because by the time you come knocking on Caradoc’s door, shit has gone so far sideways it’s ended up at Durmstrang.

OOC EXPLORATION:

SHIPS/ANTI-SHIPS: Chemistry reigns supreme above all and is the primary driving force behind what I do and do not consider to be a potential ship. As long as they aren’t related or play like human waste together, I’m willing to consider it! The only hard lines are as previously mentioned: family relations and those that play poorly with him.

INTERPERSONAL STRUGGLES:

Caradoc believes in the Order and its goals, so much so that he sat down one day and demanded he join, no request or interview process involved. I’m really excited to see what happens to Caradoc when the Order fails, when its big loft promises are just that: promises. How does that affect him, given how much he has put towards this organization? How does he react to the people that made that call, especially if it failed because of people Caradoc admires or respects? I think there’s a lot of options and possibilities to explore what it means to someone when an institution you believe in and have worked for extensively has failed you and revealed its own failures.

The bio also openly states that Caradoc is not the most friendly of people and is certainly not the most friendly of Hufflepuffs. I can only imagine this means his personal issues with people show up front and center when interacting with them, making it something hard to overlook that dominates conversations with what is and isn’t said. I’m really excited to explore how Caradoc works with people like that and how he is or is not able to put those issues aside when the Order calls for it.

WHAT ARE YOU MOST LOOKING FORWARD TO? This is just a fun, really enjoyable roleplay to be a part of. It explores some really cool issues and does so in a methodical, consistent setting that I really enjoy and find a lot of fun writing in. I also want to try my hand at a different character beyond Regulus, hence this application!

PLOT DROP IDEAS (OPTIONAL): Caradoc has put everything he has into The Flaming Dragon. What happens to him and his livelihood if it is destroyed is something I would love to explore!

ANYTHING ELSE? Not atm!

#recreancyaccepted #caradoc dearborn app

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doskorogorpg · 8 months

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CONGRATULATIONS REY!

YOU HAVE BEEN ACCEPTED FOR THE ROLE OF VARYIS ZHUK.

Welcome to Do Skorogo RPG! Please make sure you scan over the CHECKLIST, send in your account to the main in the next 24 hours, and follow everyone on the FOLLOW LIST. Varyis's faceclaim has been changed to Vico Ortiz.

♦ PART I — OUT OF CHARACTER

NAME : rey

AGE : 30

PRONOUNS : she / her

TIMEZONE : bst

ACTIVITY LEVEL : 6 - 8 depending on my work week and how far behind i am on my assignments 🤠 always around on mobile to plot on discord though

ANYTHING ELSE? no triggers, just a thank you again for answering all my questions, this has been a super fun app to write! i apologise in advance for the sheer length of it 🥴

♦ PART II — IN CHARACTER

DESIRED ROLE : varyis zhuk

i am... a sucker for an assassin character ( one of my longest muses is bucky barnes 🧍) and i really have such a soft spot for people who can cause incredible damage but are good people at heart ( i'm looking @ you inej ). varyis' backstory was also a big draw considering their family name and how they're continuously running from it, and i think their past catching up to them will be so insanely fun to watch play out in various character dynamics / plots further down the line.

FACECLAIM : vico ortiz

GENDER & SEXUALITY : non-binary pansexual.

HEADCANONS:

sasha is the only one to know varyis' family name — they've been going by varyis or 'v' since the first time meeting svetlana, avoiding and refusing to answer questions about their past or where they came from. it's their most tightly guarded secret, one they're deathly afraid of coming out for fear of the zhuk name completely undermining everything they are to the team.

varyis has big black cat energy. they're quiet, preferring to observe rather than be the focus of attention ; touch is a no-go unless they trust you, and they will lash out if this boundary isn't respected ( they once broke a man's hand for refusing to let go of their arm when he was warned — he got off lightly. ). however, expect a more affectionate side for those they're closest to, physical contact like hugs or an arm across the shoulder freely given when their barriers are down.

one of the first things varyis did after they left their home behind was cut their hair. it had always been forbidden, a strict rule enforced so as to keep up appearances ( your hair is beautiful long, why would you want it short ? ). the action was freeing in a way they didn't even realise it could be, a cutting away of their past, a shedding of skin to become someone new, someone that felt authentically them. their hair has stayed short ever since.

they have a big sweet tooth, the candies and sweets of starosva unmatched by anywhere else they've visited. the bird's milk cake from dine like kings has been their favourite since childhood and every so often varyis has an incredible craving for it, the dessert being one of the few guilty pleasures they miss from their old life.

since they were young varyis had their own horse ; a symbol of status and wealth, the chestnut brown mare grew as varyis did, the two forging a strong bond as varyis spent a lot of their formative years in the stables learning to ride. leaving panya behind was one of the hardest decisions they ever made — it was too risky, the horse well-associated with varyis and too recognisable — and to this day varyis still feels guilty for abandoning her.

being a zhuk meant that varyis wanted for little growing up, able to follow their every whim when it came to new hobbies or skills they wanted to learn. art — to their parent's chagrin — wasn't their strong suit, but they learned that their artistry lay within dance instead. this study of movement lay the foundation for their work as an assassin, an awareness of space and the lightness of feet heavily contributing to their ability to stay hidden.

varyis is a fan of high vantage points ( think hawkeye ), feeling most comfortable in spaces where they can observe from above, usually unnoticed. their agility and core / upper body strength means that — much like inej — they can disappear and reappear in seconds, often surprising members of the party by jumping down from high places without warning ( their favourite past-time is catching maksim off guard ).

they have two siblings : an older brother, ilya — the family's pride and joy — and a younger brother dima. being a middle child meant that varyis was often overlooked by their parents, more so as they grew into their gender identity and rebelled against the expectations of womanhood. this made it easier to traverse life of the elite unnoticed and unbothered, attention focused on ilya's ever-growing popularity and dima's transition from boy to man.

ilya — older by 4 years — was the person in their family varyis was closest to growing up. he shouldered the responsibility of eldest child while also giving varyis the attention they didn't get from their parents ; he never treated them as fragile despite them being the only zhuk daughter, play fighting when they were younger turning into teaching actual fighting behind their parent's back after varyis is forbidden to learn because it's "not fitting for their station". their heart broke the first time when ilya joined the king's army. their heart broke a second when ilya returned from azov with a wild glee in his eyes varyis had never seen before, the celebration afterwards at how many grisha lives were taken being the final push varyis needed to leave for good.

they're 13 when they meet nika. an inferni encased in a prison of paper, a former advisor for king kirill left to rot in the royal library in case the new king had any use for him. the irony wasn't lost on varyis, and the two struck up a conversation every time they snuck out from parties or gatherings or meetings their parents had to attend and found themselves within the towering shelves. their conversations over the years were always secretive and varyis never mentioned nika to anyone, just left the library with a new collection of books and words that would help them form their own opinion of grisha outside of their family's warped view. nika is who varyis turns to, distraught, after the events of azov ; he's who places that final seed of leaving, and shows varyis an old servant tunnel he's forced to use to keep himself out of sight of the elite while in the castle — it doesn't lead outside but it would allow varyis to avoid the grand hall where post-azov celebrations are taking place.

nika is later framed for varyis' disappearance, blamed as an act of revenge for azov. it was no secret that varyis favoured the library, their parents unaware that it was cared for by a grisha. the last known sighting of varyis had been heading in the library's direction and nothing afterwards, which only meant one thing in their eyes. nika's execution is a public affair, one varyis forces themselves to watch from a nearby rooftop if only to solidify their reasoning for leaving. the guilt haunts them to this day.

nika's nickname for varyis was 'little bird' because of the bird's milk cake that they smuggled in to share with nika after he had mentioned it was his birthday a few days before. the name stuck, even when varyis was older.

PLOT POINTS:

obviously the biggest plot point that would be super interesting to delve into would be varyis' family name coming to light and how that would impact their dynamics with the team. would they all think differently of them? would there be some like igor that may turn violent? would they be outcast? there are so many facets to this reveal i could go on for days.

whether this is before or after the group finds out about varyis' past, i'd like them to have to use their knowledge of the elite in some way on a mission — for example at a ball where they need to blend in and varyis is exceptionally good at knowing the right dances, or they need a distraction in starosva and varyis can use their charm / familiarity of the area to keep their mark occupied in conversation. if this is before the reveal it could be a 👀 moment, a reason to question how varyis can blend in so well.

this is another big one : varyis having to face their family, or even use them as a way to get into the palace. nika's execution due to the belief that he had a hand in varyis' disappearance means that the zhuk family are under the assumption they're dead — especially as there's been no word of them being used by grisha as a political prisoner ( which could be an idea in the future for the group — a bargaining tool, perhaps, which varyis agrees to ). the thought that varyis is a traitor won't have crossed their mind ( too blinded by their own hatred of grisha ), so a scenario where they either see varyis in action and it's undeniable who they are now ( i can see them coming face-to-face with ilya when he's on duty and having to make a split second decision between killing or mercy ), or varyis being welcomed back into the fold and having that internal battle that — even though this is for the greater good and will help the group — them pretending to have been caught by grisha will only make things worse. i am very open to going wherever the plot needs to with this one, i have many many thoughts.

CHARACTER EXPANSION:

to preface this, i don't see varyis being a big talker unless they're around people they're comfortable with. they're not shy, rather taking in information and only speaking up when they feel they have something to add. i've gone with two different scenarios so you can see this in action : the first is a question from a stranger, the second is from a grisha on the team, probably either maksim, katya or sasha.

How far would you go for your crew?

the bar is crowded, question almost swallowed up by the din of many raised voices fighting to be heard over the rest. they're sat in a corner, back to the wall, hands cupped around a regrettably empty goblet that maksim had disappeared to re-fill ; varyis had noticed the man lingering on the edge of their conversation but had paid him no mind as the talk was harmless. that was until he sat himself down in maksim's empty seat, sudden proximity enough to make varyis immediately on edge.

❛ how far ? ❜ their voice is perfected nonchalance but there's a low note if you know them well enough, a warning in the smile that doesn't quite reach their eyes, ❛ as far as i have to. ❜ the goblet spins between index finger and thumb before stilling, varyis leaning forward in their seat to close some of the distance between the two, ❛ why, how far do you think i need to go ? ❜

What would you do if you got your hands on the circlet?

there's a silence between the pair that's comforting, dependable in the same way as the stars that decorate the night sky above. varyis is lost in thought when the question breaks their concentration, words almost feeling raw, lined with an edge they can't quite place.

they shift, breaking the shared touch of shoulders to look their friend in the eyes, expression falling from relaxed to serious, ❛ well — i'd run first, that seems like the most sensible option. ❜ a touch of humour delivered with a fleeting smile, an attempt at lightening the mood, ❛ then i'd find you. or mikhail. or someone more qualified to take care of it. ❜ there's a beat of silence while varyis wrestles with a sudden wave of vulnerability, their tone laced with more intensity than before when they continue, ❛ i'd give my life if it meant keeping it out of the hands of the king. ❜

PARA SAMPLE:

the celebrations run into their fifth hour and show no sign of abating. many guests are drunk, both on the alcohol freely provided and the fevered excitement that warps familiar faces — faces varyis has grown up with — into bloodthirsty caricatures. they had hardened their heart against the vitriol whispered between table-mates at state dinners, at the casual comments slipped into conversation by ilya's dryga friends. but this was overt. this was agonising and sickening all at once, fingers clutched so tightly around their cup of wine that they turn white ; there was no denying the poison that had seeped into their society, no denying that the longer they stayed the harder it would be to hold up their mask. this wasn't their home. perhaps it never had been.

slipping from the grand hall is easy. they nod in a couple's direction, keep their head down until they reach the library doors and push through ; the smell of the books hits them, comforting and bittersweet, and they can barely shut the door before letting out a sob, hands immediately clasping over their mouth to smother any further sound. tears blur their vision as they run for the nearest bookshelf, heading three rows deep into the library before collapsing onto the floor, body shaking as a flood of emotions washes through them as if controlled by a tidemaker's hands.

{ little bird ? } the voice comes from their elbow, softened syllables that only make them cry harder ; nika opens his arms on instinct and varyis buries themself within his embrace, taking deep, shuddering breaths to try and wrestle back some control. ❛ i'm sorry, ❜ the words are raw, rough at the edges as varyis finally pulls back and meets nika's eyes, the warmth they see there almost sending them back into the depths of despair, ❛ it's evil. they're evil. ❜

nika is quiet, observing as varyis wipes furiously at their eyes, letting them speak heavy words into the shared silence of the library, ❛ i can't stay here. how can i look any of them in the face after this ? i need to leave. ❜ realisation dawns then and repeated words are quieter but laced with the fire of resolution, ❛ i need to leave. ❜

a hand is extended then, and varyis thinks they see a tinge of sadness in nika's gaze as he speaks, { i can help you get out if that's what you want, but you have to be prepared for the consequences }. they nod, take nika's hand, and are pulled to their feet, following the inferni towards a small door nestled within the far side of the library, barely big enough for nika to fit through without stooping. { this passage will take you to the entrance hall. you'll be able to avoid most of the partygoers but i can't help you past the guards, that'll be up to you. are you sure you want to do this ? } varyis' throat is tight as they nod once more ; their very bones feel like they're shaking but they know deep in their soul this is the right thing to do. they couldn't stay. not anymore.

❛ come with me. ❜ it's a plea, a frantic grasp of something steady, even as nika shakes his head. tears begin to fall anew, and varyis bites their lip, the weight of understanding that they'd be alone settling on their shoulders, { i can't go with you. we would be caught before we left the castle. but you ? you can go anywhere you set your mind to. } varyis' smile is a small, fleeting thing as they lean in for another hug, squeezing as tight as they can for a last moment of peace before they let go. nika's last words follow them down the corridor as they leave the warmth of the library behind, setting out for paths unknown, { fly free, little bird. don't let them cage you anymore. }

♦ PART III — EXTRA HYPE

PINTEREST.

PLAYLIST.

INSPO : x / x / x / x / x / x / x

#lsrp #literate rp #fantasy rp #original rp #lsrpg #doskorogoaccepted

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ulfrsmal · 1 year

Note

2 & 22 & 24 for the violence ask game

Hello! This is for the fandom in my pfp; I'm not naming anything to avoid maximum violence.

2. a compelling argument for why your fave would never top or bottom

Welp my fave is the Main Character and his Pretty Boys, and I think they all switch... BUT. I can give an argument to why the Sickly King never doms (as opposed to never tops, given that he has children and has therefore Topped. But I don't think he was leading the fun let us say).

Powerful as he is in his day-to-day life, at least in matters of war and state, the bedroom is another story entirely. He wants to please his wife the Queen, and she's a force to be reckoned with; folding under her desire is both easy and pleasurable. His illness spares him from flare-ups because he's not exerting himself, she's right at home over him -- figuratively and literally --, and any sin he incurs in by letting her top can be prayed away. Most often with her on her knees at his side in front of the cross in their palace's private chapel. It is simply the perfect arrangement!

22. your favorite part of canon that everyone else ignores

A fact I wish more mlm Main Character writers could incorporate into their work: Big Tall Surly Englishman was Main Character's first real male crush back in the first season. They're as canon as can be in the books too!

Though I have to say that my corner of this fandom is blessed in this regard, we don't tend to forget important bits!

24. topic that brings up the most rancid discourse

OHOHOHOHOHO. This is the question that, had you asked me on reddit, would have prompted me to go on a literal neon*zi hunting spree. By which I mean blocking and reporting if it applies. Anyway, it's the Heathenry history part. Especially when tied to "historical accuracy". This type of show tends to attract a very specific type of asshole, and I can spot them at first glance. For those unaware but curious, the checklist goes something like this:

white man

norse pagan ("odinist" and "folkish" are literal neon*zi terms; "asatru" is one that should be examined more carefully)

really into viking history

the valknut symbol. thor's hammer and the helm of awe are the only other valid symbols

Odin Thor and Freyr are the only gods and if you worship Loki you're evil and if you worship any other god (eg Baldr) you're weak. Freya is there to be the goddess of love but never of war and she's always placed below Odin Thor and her literal twin brother Freyr

"the show can't be accurate because it must be politically correct for people to like it", "there were no black people in viking scandinavia" (factually wrong btw)

Also check any and all numbers in pfps, profiles, discord number IDs, etc. There are some associated with n*zism, eg eighty-eight & fourteen-eight eight.

On a more general note, if you suspect someone but aren't sure, other common themes are:

fan of Skyrim whose fave in-game race is the Nords

likes historical figures for their war achievements. even if the figure did civilian things, eg improved agriculture or made trade deals. even if the figure isn't well-known for the war efforts. if there is any military connection, they will like that and see value in only that

interest in military history and ONLY that (the biggest red flag is WW2 but I've also seen WW1, north-american wars, etc.)

metalhead super into black metal who won't accept any "posers" (aka metalheads who aren't into the same subgenres/bands). may or may not condone and/or agree with the likes of varg vikernes (who has done some truly vile things I'd have to Trigger Warning in here. look that up with discretion. there are MANY real-life horror stories in the history of black metal).

When in doubt, block preventively!!

#anyway. i ranted A LOT in that last question. sorry to whoever asked me this; I realise this is most likely not what you had in mind #i am simply sick and tired of those types getting a platform. so if i can spread the checklist i go through. i will.#the discord id point will be moot once they introduce the change they are announcing i think; but as of the writing of this answer it appli #anonymous #thank you for asking me #(oh and. yes. i realise i am a norse pagan metalhead into viking media who knows a bit about military history. i know i seem a red flag.#up to you if you wanna block me too. i do NOT condone or share those views in any way but words only go so far so feel free to block me too

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starryoong · 1 year

Text

|— ୨|୧ [ get to know me tag ] ୨|୧ —|

tagged by @bbyquokka (thank you !!) ‹3

1. Birthday?

October 16th!

2. Favorite color?

green and brown, especially sage/olive shades and a good earthy brown... mmm yes

3. How tall are you?

164cm (again, shut up snowy, I will jump up and bite your ass.)

4. How many pair of shoes to you own?

hmm, three? a pair of trainers, a pair of winter ish boots and my trusty pair of slippers.

5. Favorite song?

I always answer these with my current one, so Treacherous (Taylor's version) by Taylor Swift! One of my two favourites by her.

6. Favorite movie?

I honestly don't know? I haven't watched a movie in so long because my attention span goes feral.

7. Who would be your ideal partner?

someone who would challenge me, but still be a comfort place. I'm gonna be real sappy and say that Binnie would fit the role..

8. Do you want children?

nope, I've never wanted them ever since I was a wee kindergartener. It's just never been something I've wanted?

9. Have you gotten in trouble with the law?

nope.

10. What color socks are you wearing?

grey wool socks with little black moose on them hihi

11. Favorite type of music?

My favourites are definitely indie (especially scottish indie, take Vansleep for example, my beloved) and generally I find myself leaning more into anything that has solid rhythm sections, especially bass lines. There's just something about a bangin bass line, man..

12. How many pillows do you sleep with?

Usually one, but since I tend to move a lot, I fold it so it's double if it's not the right™️ height haha.

13. What position do you sleep in?

99% of the time I end up on my stomach with one of my legs up in some angle. Yes, I am aware that I'm very attractive.

14. What don’t you like when you’re sleeping?

I get so fucking stressed if there's movement or blinking lights around me when I'm trying to relax.

15. Have you tried archery?

no, but I wish!

16. Favorite fruit?

peaches <3

17. Are you a good liar?

depends? I don't like lying, but I also don't get the point in being brutally honest all the time if it's a taste thing and it doesn't really matter? Idk

18. What’s your personality type?

INFJ-T (twinning with bestie Aragorn hihi)

19. Innie or outie?

innie

20. Left or right handed?

right

21. Favorite food?

I like sushi and taco a completely normal amount. I vibe with food as long as it's not too spicy or hot (temperature-wise) and the textures are right™️

22. Favorite foreign food?

Sushi and taco, hehe

23. Are you clean or messy?

Usually? A very clean person. I love cleaning and tidying as it calms my anxiety, but when I hit my depressive episodes? Yeah, you can easily spot it from the state of my apartment.

24. Most used phrase?

slay

25. How long does it take you to get ready?

usually like 5-15 minutes?

26. Do you talk to yourself?

not really? not unless I'm really scared and have to physically remind myself of my checklists etc

27. Do you sing to yourself?

all the time.

28. Are you a good singer?

idk? I used to sing in choirs and weekly one-on-one training from 4/5 to 16, but I'm pretty rusty these days. I have a goal to join a choir again this year 🤞🏻

29. Biggest fear?

two potentially very triggering topics that I'm not gonna air out on the internet. oh and also eels. cannot stand the fuckers.

30. Are you a gossip?

oh god, I hate gossip culture so much. I come from a town where everybody knows everybody and I hate it.

31. Long or short hair?

short

32. Favorite school subject?

norwegian, english and psychology

33. Extrovert or introvert?

a massive introvert ;-;

34. What make you nervous?

anything involving people. the fact that I am an adult supposedly able to take care of myself when I feel like a traumatised eight-year-old still.

35. Who was your first crush?

I didn't really do crushes, but I remember wanting to be paul waaktaar-savoy so bad

36. How many piercings do you have?

none right now! I've had my nostrill, septum, vertical medusa, medusa, smiley and earlobes pierced before, but I took them all out to heal last year. I wanna start fresh this year, bridge and some ear piercings are on the list.

37. How many tattoos do you have?

I've genuinely lost count.. A lot <3

38. How fast can you run?

very slowly.

39. What color is your hair?

a weird mix of semi-blonde, brown and my natural brown-blonde-grey ish colour.. idk man.

40. What color are your eyes?

blue/grey

41. What makes you angry?

mostly societal injustice. atm, I'm fucking fuming at the national healthcare system in my own country for refusing to offer non-binary folks help because we're not "trans enough".

42. Do you like your name?

I feel disconnected from both my deadname and my new name. Slowly unpacking that with my therapist. Starry feels more like a safe space though.

43. Do you want a boy to girl as a child?

I don't want children, but if I were to have one - it would honestly not matter. I would try to treat them as genderlessly as I could until they could choose for themselves, so it genuinely doesn't matter.

44. What are your strengths?

right now, I don't feel like I have any tbh. but normally, I think I try my best to make people feel seen and heard?

45. What are your weaknesses?

we're not gonna open that door right now

46. What’s the color of your bedspread?

white with brown/red lines

47. What’s the color of your room?

where I am now, white. in my apartment, light grey.

I'm too tired to tag anyone right now, but feel free to say I tagged you if you want to do this! 🫶🏻

#tag games #about me

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thestarseersystem · 3 years

Text

I think you guys seem too attached to this strict definition of polyfragmented is 100+ alters, when I feel like having many alters is only a small part to what makes a system a polyfragmented one. It is not a good judgement on what identifies a polyfragmented system, and not everyone would be able to count the amount of alters that they have.

If you experience dissociation at all, it is impossible to tell the amount of alters you have. Especially of what your definition on what an alter is and what a fragment is. Most people, without looking, wouldn't know how to identify a fragment versus a fully formed alter. Every system experiences integration and splitting too, so even if you did count all of them, that number would rapidly change. And it depends on whether you are in a traumatized space or not. If you are in constant stress, you would gain new alters all the time. But if you are in a less stressful and safer space, you would probably not have so many alters show up.

It is unfair to a lot of systems to assume that you must know how many alters you have, and be able to tell who's fronting and who's not to count them, to accurately identify what type of system you are.

So I propose a checklist of criteria to help you identify on whether or not you have a polyfragmented system.

Polyfragmented systems are layered, they are much more complex than your average system, and I feel this is due to the layers of trauma one experiences. It could be other things as well, but I am no expert, just someone with their own experiences. So here are some symptoms, you may experience if you're a polyfrag system. It's not a complete list, and of course, you do not have to experience all of the systems, I just feel like it's more than just "a lot of alters".

Do you have more than one type of prolonged trauma? Like family trauma, religious trauma and bullying. Or a divorce, sexual abuse and school trauma. Like, I don't know all the types of trauma, but religious trauma is definitely a big trigger of mine, and a lot of polyfragmented systems have experienced some type of ritual/religious abuse. So I don't know if that's specific, but it is notable.

Do you have a complex or constantly changing innerworld? I know not many people experience innerworlds or have large ones, but for those of us that do, its common in polyfragmented systems. This innerworld can be a whole world, it could be large, it could have many different layers, and it could be constantly changing or switching between those layers. Like for example, in the main innerworld I have, there's three sections, then there's different innerworld layers/planes ive been in with different sections, and there's layers/sections that only certain people can access within my innerworld. From the times I've been there, I've often seen many people and creatures roam around. So you don't have to have one, but its common.

Do you have mirrored, repeated, or twin alters? You don't have to have thousands of these guys, but possibly you have multiple hosts that are similar, or mirrored alters. Is it common for your system to have a lot of twins or possibly triplets? In my system, the main host is triplets with two other alters. And a lot of siblings or similar groups of alters. And alters that look fairly similar but are different people.

Do you have complex or confusing alters? By this, I mean an alter who is like a host of a system, or two alters in one (who aren't integrated by the way, they just exist in one body). An alter who has one body but has conflicting opinions, just like a normal system would, but its one alter. Like, I came across one the other day, it was very strange.

Do you have many alters who share a name or don't like to be separate people? I don't know if these alters are fragments, they could be, I can't tell. But many alters who just exist, you can feel them there, you know they exist, but they don't like being counted as separate alters. I don't know if these alters are fragments or not, but it's something to keep in mind.

This isn't a complete list of symptoms, I am sure there's more, and I am sure OSDD systems can be polyfragmented too. I think the definition can definitely be improved upon as there literally is no way to know the amount of alters in your system at any given time. Unless you have a gatekeeper alter who ultimately keeps track of every single alter, there is no way for you to know.

So yeah, that's really all I had to say. It's not easy to know what's going on. Not all systems are going to work the same.

#post.txt #polyfrag #polyfragmented #polyfragmented system #polyfrag system #dissociative disorder #system #dissociative system #actually multiple #actually plural #i feel like it's a bad definition if there's only one arguable symptom #its like a needle in a haystack type deal #you could possibly know but why would you try

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furiousgoldfish · 3 years

Text

I haven't been writing a lot lately because my recovery has been taking a wild turn and in lack of anyone to talk to or therapy, I'll be writing about it here! I'll put it under a cut. There are some descriptions of recovery going very wrong, and also explanations of things I was wrong about.

So since the pandemic started I've been deteriorating badly, first I've been processing trauma extensively, having intense breakdowns and gradually it turned into depression from lack of stimulation, I've been completely alone for months without speaking to, or seeing anyone. I thought it was the isolation getting to me, and decided I just need to endure that, indulge in whatever coping I could and wait for it to end. And then things got worse.

Even as normally I was seeing some very slow progress in recovery; now it was going backwards; I was having less and less ability to get anything done, I wasn't able to force myself to do my job for months, I kept getting stuck in bed for weeks, chronic pain got so bad I couldn't move on most days. And, it only kept going worse.

My breakdowns stared to be about the present instead of the past; I couldn't handle being in pain all the time. As in before I would recover from a breakdown within a day or two, now it took 4 days to a week, and the trauma episodes would last for hours, so intense I'd find myself hoping I would die during it.

And then, I started losing all mobility and this seriously freaked me out. Everything above I've already experienced before, without long term consequences, but now my body was losing function in a way that felt permanent; I could no longer move for more than few minutes, and without extensive pain. Sometimes I would try to get up and end up collapsing and screaming from how much it hurt, I would move my arm and my whole body would experience a shock of intense pain. I was scared, I no longer knew what was going on, I was suspecting something more than ptsd was wrong. I've forced myself into physical activity, trying to fight this, I tried stretching, exercising, running, punching, and every single one of these activities made it incredibly worse. I thought I had broken my body by laying down too much. I no longer felt anything but terror and dread, and kept spiralling into scenarios of my own death; it felt inevitable, I wasn't going to survive without ability to move, nobody would take care of me.

I tried out medicine that helps relaxing, it had minimal effect. Then, in desperation to check if this was all ptsd, I attempted self harm, to see if it erases the pain. It did. It lowered the pain significantly It was a big relief, even though I wasn't happy with resorting to that, at least I could move around for a while, and I was grateful for that. Times couldn't be more desperate, and the measure felt fitting. I was still in a very bad shape, and the pain was only somewhat lessened.

It was about that time someone sent me the Complex PTSD book; I had wanted it for a while and immediately went to read it. I felt some relief reading it, and I was struck with the realization that I have not felt any relief in more than a year. It also surprised me with some of the exact descriptions of my behaviour, that I didn't realize was a symptom. I thought it was necessary and smart of me to live in hiding, to avoid interaction and never connect to anyone; it kept me safe. It turns out it's a regular freeze response to trauma; I got very called out for it. It also explains that a freeze response is what people use when anything else doesn't work, and it's true! I had been fighting, fawning and perfecting myself desperately prior to realizing that absolutely nothing helps, and froze to survive. It also described that freeze types are capable of surviving prolonged isolation because their brains produce hormones that relax the body as if they're going thru a moment before death; also true for me, I've been aware my brain does that, only I get that way too often, and it only helps me marginally because I'm too used to it.

Another thing I was very wrong about was my concept of my inner critic; I thought I had already won that battle, because I did not allow any voice in my head to criticize me (my alters can drag me affectionately), and I generally didn't experience a lot of shame or guilt for what I was going thru. The book describes inner catastrophizer, which is an extention of the critic, and it causes you to spral into extremely negative scenarios of your own demise. Now that.. was happening to me every single day, I saw myself dead around every corner. But I always thought my fears about that were perfectly reasonable. I had been tortured into suicidal state as a kid and nobody cared, I barely escaped with my life from there, I was living illegally, in hiding, without a normal job or regular income, without close friends or any family, with ptsd i couldn't get diagnosed for, without ability to work due to ptsd, in a capitalistic society where being able to work is only thing between you and dying. I had, by that point, gained many skills of survival, but it still felt very reasonable to fear that I would die if I don't get better soon.

The book described people who had families, jobs, social circles, friends and community, who spiraled into deep fear of becoming homeless and dying on the street; somehow their spiraling was exactly the same as mine, and it made me realize that it was, in fact, a symptom, and not reflection of reality. Because I was spiraling even when laying in my bed or eating or sleeping, knowing I could still afford rent for months because I arranged my life to allow myself to lay down a lot. I kept fearing my parents were coming to end my life, even when I arranged my entire existence specifically to prevent this from happening. And even if I was sick and without a real job, I had in fact, survived for 5 years after running away, I wasn't getting worse at it. My spiraling into death scenarios was a symptom of being trapped within a flashback.

The book guided me to try to challenge these fears, I immediately went for it, had a breakdown, screamed "I can't" for like an hour, had additional few breakdowns afterwards, and miraculously, recovered from them in only few hours. And then, I woke up from my flashback.

I won't describe what the flashback was, because it's too gruesome and horiffic, but it was in fact, bad enough to warrant every single bit of that pain I was experiencing, and a very convoluted, complex trauma. I was waiting to be killed in that flashback. Whats concerning is, I've been trapped in that same flashbacks for more than a year. After I broke my way out of it, it felt like I woke up to being alive for the first time in years. I got out being frozen in bed.

For 5 amazing days, I was able to do whatever I wanted. Chronic pain? I didn't know her. It was absoluely exhilirating to get to move again, I was not getting tired either, I was out there making up for months of doing nothing and I was not collapsing at any point. I felt actual joy again, and hope, and being free from pain was so extremely good, that alone made me ecstatic. I was able to create, to be organized, to take care of myself, to follow a checklist, to focus, I was a Normal Person for those 5 days.

And then, predictably, I was getting back stuck in that flashbacks and my levels of terror and dread spiked again. I went to re-read the book, and it took me a few days to really figure it out again, I don't know exactly how the book works on me, I feel like it says just the right keywords to trigger me into realizations and causes breakdowns that set me free. I found myself able to stop some spiraling, but sometimes I can't, that flashback holds immense power over me and is actually mixed with 10 other near-death scenarios that are too extreme for me to process, so this will keep happening. I did break free again, and got to experience additional few days of movement and happiness; I also started working extensively with my child alter, who was until recently extremely suicidal and dangerous to work with.

I am still kinda lost in all of this, and unsure whats going on, but I do believe I wont get trapped in a flashback again for a whole year. I became so anxious and helpless due to isolation, I forgot how to fight trauma, I forgot I actually had to do it. I used to do it constantly in the beginning, but it had made me suicidal back then to face all this, so I tried to just let it heal naturally, which I believed would eventually happen; but it didn't, I got trapped and suffered without knowing how to get out. I also believed my own spiraling was a reflection of reality and not trauma, and that fueled it a lot.

It explains very eloqently in the book how inner catastrophizing comes from being massively neglected; children who are not looked after start to realize just how unprotected they are, so their own sense of danger becomes hypersensitive and starts to lock on possible dangers everywhere. This is then further aided by media that points out every possible bad thing that could happen to a person, and the child who isn't guided by adult who could actually make a reasonable distinction between real and unlikely danger, will clock it all as absolute possibilities and be on alert. It's also fueled by the line of disasters and dangers that happen to them in the context of their own home, and for me, the strongest factor was my parents constantly convincing me that I would die without them. Even though I proved this wrong, and understand they did it precisely because they knew there was a lot of survival ability in me and that's why they worked so hard to destroy it, the fact that it was brainwashed into me under circumstances of torture still makes it impossible for me to fight it.

Maybe one day I will be able to.

I'm writing this because writing things down helps to make sense of it all, and I need to find my way thru this. I also hope someone else will see themselves in what I'm describing and it will help them find a way forward. Complex ptsd is the only book I found that speaks from the point of view of a person who survived cptsd, healed from it, and had so much experience with other traumatized people they're able to draw parallels and create patterns and statistics out if it, it was that more than anything that convinced me of their words, and gave me hope. The book also warns many times of how essential it is to reduce inner critic and catastrophizer before getting other recovery work done, other therapy might only do further harm before this work is done. It was true for me.

If you wanna read this book, here's a post with the links!

#cptsd #complex ptsd #ptsd recovery #tw self harm #story of recovery #trauma #abuse recovery #trauma symptoms #chronic pain #chronic exhaustion #freeze response

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simonalkenmayer · 3 years

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hi simon! i have been a lurker on your tumblr for a while but have never really gotten the courage to be able to send an ask untill now. i am a little bit desperate hahah

i deal a lot with self hatred and it has been getting really bad recently it always gets worse in the summer months. i dont know why but my mind keeps getting stuck in these thought loops of never being “good enough” and i dont really know how to stop them. i am just wondering if u have any experience with this and what has helped with you

thank u so much!!

Yes. I do. I’ve done many things I’m not proud of, learning my lessons as all people do. I’ve also made mistakes, even at times when I should have or thought I did, know better. I struggle with letting those things get too over important in my thoughts, and so have to constantly be scientific in my thinking to counter it.

What helps me is to have a checklist of thoughts I use as a measure.

1. Is there a specific thing triggering this feeling—an action I took, an event, am I comparing my response to someone else’s? If the answer is no, then move on. If the answer is yes, then identify specifically, the thing that is triggering these feelings. For example, “I was rude to someone without intending to be. This isn’t who I am.” Identify what must be done to make amends and then do them at the next available opportunity. Until you can, try not to think about it. (This obviously gets more complicated if you are dealing with, say, something someone said that reminded you of an abusive parent or something like that, but it does help you begin to pick apart and analyze your feelings and why they exist.)

2. Am I being realistic in my feelings? In other words, am I being too harsh? I cannot be perfect. I cannot be all-knowing. I cannot make people fall in line. So am I demanding of myself that I be those things? For example, if you struggle with feeling as if you haven’t gotten your degree fast enough…is that realistic or did things happen in the only way they could? Are you asking yourself to be superhuman?

3. Am I being kind to myself? If not, why? If I were to hear a friend talk about themself the way I am speaking of myself, what would I say to them? If I am actually practicing kindness, I must also practice it with myself. I must also ground myself in that.

4. What can I do? Often these feelings are grounded in feeling helpless or overwhelmed by a situation. So I like to think of things I can do. Often small. Often very minimal effort. A tiny step in the right direction.

5. What benchmarks am I using? If I am comparing myself, why? Why that comparison? We all have our role models, so thinking about why I’ve chosen the ones I have, grounds me in that purpose. It also prevents me from comparing myself to people who do not matter—materialists, appearances, that sort of thing. Shallow comparisons fall away if you can identify why you look to those things.

6. Am I being true to myself? Who is it I want to be and am I representing that person, given all of the above criteria? Perhaps I am limited in actions, or am plodding along a timeline that cannot be sped up, or coping with terrible people and circumstances, perhaps roadblocks fall in my way. Those don’t matter so long as I am authentic as I pick my way through.

The simple fact is, we will all die, and when we do, there’s no one there to measure, grade, or chastise us. Just us. Wealth cannot come with you. Accolades will be raised at your funeral for all they’re worth. The only trie measure of a person is how they pass on what they learn, how they help others, how they taught others something true. So even if that’s all you ever do, you have done enough by any worthwhile measure. You can aim to do more, and should, but “enough” is a really idea. Try to help one person a day. That is a good place to start. And don’t do it for credit. Do it silently, do it to your best ability. In my estimation that sets you above 90% of people in their everyday lives, locked in their own thoughts and misfortunes.

I hope this helps.

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saeran-imagines · 3 years

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Hi! I read some of your work and got totally mesmerized hahaha I'm so happy someone's still active and having request open. (Also sorry if it's not the right place to ask this but I'm bad at using tumblr). But I wondered if you could write something about a reader suffering from depression/hinting often at suicide for the smallest things, with Ray or Saeran GE . If it's a trigger it's fine you don't have to do it!

Awhh thank you so much!! ❤ I’ll hopefully be a lot more active in the near future since I don’t have so much work to do, sorry about the wait! I hope you like them!

Edit: Didn’t say which Saeran I’m writing for OOPS! This is for GE Saeran :D If you want Ray too feel free to ask!

⚠️ Warning for depression and (very light) mentions of suicide ⚠️

He’d be REALLY concerned at even the slightest hint of suicidal thoughts. You’re the most important person in his life, his love and sunshine, and he can’t lose you. The second your life is in danger he’d strongly encourage you to seek outside help. He’d move mountains and part the sea for you if he could, but he knows there’s only so much he can do on his own.

That said, he knows all too well how hard it is to ask for help. It’s a struggle for him to talk to anyone outside you and the RFA, and even that’s difficult at times. If it’s too scary to talk to a therapist he’d be happy to go with you, even if it’s just to silently hold your hand and make sure the therapist respects your boundaries.

Saeran may not have depression specifically, but he’s been through enough emotional turmoil that he’s built up a little toolbox of coping mechanisms over the years. He’ll try all of them out with you, and if none of them work out he’s always looking for more that might help.

When he hears you talking bad about yourself he helps you spin it into something positive. “I don’t like this part of my body” turns into “this makes me unique,” and “I can’t do anything right” turns into “noticing my mistakes means I’m learning from them.” He can be a bit… well, very cheesy, but it’s hard to disagree with him when he flashes his signature sweet smile and softly strokes your cheek while he tells you everything he likes about you.

He’s happy to stay in bed and cuddle when you’re having a bad day, but if you’re feeling up to it he’ll want to do something fun with you. If moving is hard he’ll encourage you to get dressed and come out to the living room to watch a movie. He’ll help you out, of course! He’s always wanted to see if he’s strong enough to carry you. If you have some spare energy he’ll suggest baking or cooking something together, and if you’re feeling even more adventurous he’ll want to go outside with you. From his own experience he knows that a change in environment can break the cycle of thoughts that threaten to drag you down. Gardening is his own personal escape, he’ll work with you to find yours :)

If you DO just need comfort he’ll pull you into his arms, play with your hair, and massage circles into your back until you feel better. If you want a distraction he’ll ramble about whatever’s on his mind. He especially loves planning out your next trip and coming up with activities for when you’re there, he writes all of your ideas down in a little travel journal (complete with stickers, of course.) He’ll give you something to look forward to, even if it’s as small as trying the new flavor at your local bubble tea shop or going to the grocery store to pick out treats for your next movie night.

Apple’s lil note under the cut (feel free to ignore this if you don’t want my little depression pep talk hehe)

I’ve had my own struggles with depression and I hope this helps you (and everyone else reading this who’s going through the same stuff!) Here’s your usual reminder to call the hotline if thoughts turn into plans or actions ❤ BUT it’s not always easy to call the hotline. They’re wonderful people and they want to help you but calling people is HARD!! I’ve always been too anxious for it, my escape has always been reading headcanons like these 😊 SO here’s my own little hot tips for horrible days-

Here’s a checklist to go through when you’re feeling bad, sometimes the mood booster I need is just getting a snack or putting some clothes on and this list is a good reminder!

If you’re feeling hopeless try and plan something to do in the next few days, something that might get you excited to wake up tomorrow. It can be something super small, I have a lot of beads so I might choose making bracelets.

On the bracelets note, making something is a good outlet because it can give you something to be a little proud of. It can even be something like building something in minecraft or cooking a meal :)

Anyways life is hard and I hope my writing can make it a little less hard! Remember that Saeran loves you and wants you to eat all your meals and take care of yourself 🥰

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ficforce · 3 years

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Blind Spot Part 1

Obi x Reader Stalker trigger

Obi stopped mid-lift as he heard the sound of three women getting angry all at once, it could only mean that Y/N had come back from her date and that it hadn’t gone well. He grabbed a towel and wiped at his face before opening the door and heading toward the break room; Iris looked mildly scandalised whilst Tamaki and Maki looked ready to commit murder, Y/N stood in front of them looking a little disappointed. “So he just grabbed your butt and expected you to go home with him? What a pervert!” “You have the worst luck with that dating company, why can’t you find your prince charming already?” Maki looked close to tears and sat down as if defeated. Y/N pat her on the shoulder and then she realised Obi was stood in the doorway, he looked a little sweaty but she recognised the bright look in his eyes, he always got a good feeling after working out, “You called it, Captain. Another loser crossed off the list.” “Did you update your dating profile?” He wasn’t going to gloat, he hadn’t liked the guy’s profile when she showed him and he felt worse about it if the guy had touched her without her wanting him to, “What did you put in for your ideal match?” She sat down beside Maki and began counting off the points on her fingers, “Tall, fit, kind, fun. Adventurous, looking for a long term commitment, preferably someone in a similar line of work.” Sister Iris shook her head a little and exhaled, “Why don’t you just put in a picture of Captain Obi in that section?” Tamaki covered her mouth so she wouldn’t laugh out loud and Maki looked at the two hopefully. It wasn’t the first time someone had told Y/N that she and Obi would be a great match.

“Tall, check” Maki ticked off an imaginary box, “No ones more fitness mad than Captain, check.” Iris joined in then, getting up her own imaginary checklist, “Kind and fun, check. Adventurous… let’s just check that.” Tamaki pretended to grab Iris’ list, “Pretty sure Captain Obi said he’d only date for keeps, check. And he’s in the same line of work. Check, check and check!” The three of them looked at them excitedly, Obi rubbed the back of his head and fumbled with his words for a moment, eventually coming up with some excuse, “We’ve been friends for nearly ten years, I think if there was anything between us it would have happened by now, right, Y/N?” “And you’re my boss now,” she gave a shrug to the girls and sat down at the end of the table, still disappointed by the evening’s date. Y/N had always dreamed of a prince charging into her life one day, sweeping her off her feet and loving her until the end of time, she felt like she was running out of time now, she was nearly thirty and still hadn’t had a long, meaningful relationship. She wondered if Mr Right would ever find her… Feeling a warm hand on her shoulder she looked up at Obi and he gave her a soft smile, “You’ll find a guy who ticks all the boxes, you just need to relax a little more. How about I set you up with Hinawa?” “Great idea!” Y/N cheered, “Then I can borrow his gun to shoot you with!” Obi snorted and headed out to hit the showers, oblivious to Y/N watching him as he left, her eyes lingering on his muscled back until she heard giggling from the side, “What?!” The women couldn’t believe how oblivious the two were of their feelings. The next two dates were just as disastrous and put the usually cheery woman in a bad mood. She was almost grateful for the difficulty of their mission as it let her work out some frustration, Obi pulled her up out of the elevator shaft they had used to escape a collapse lower down and she made sure to adjust his hood when she noticed it coming loose - neither of them had fire abilities and made sure to check the other’s equipment. It was something they had done even when they were regular firefighters, they had been in some difficult firefights and they always tried to find something to laugh about at the end; it kept them sane. They had gotten separated from everyone else when two Infernals had flanked the team, “The floor’s weak here, watch your step, Ak- Obi.” Y/N still wasn’t used to calling him Captain or Obi after years of casual friendship calling each other by first names. They made their way through the building until they found the stairs, the fires were blazing hot and they rushed down the stairs to where they could hear fighting, a screech of metal made Y/N scream as the stairs sunk dangerously under their feet, she balanced herself in time but she saw Obi go over the side of the broken rail. “Akitaru!” She launched herself toward him and barely caught his wrist before he vanished - he was so heavy it was hard not to be pulled over too, “Come on, little help here…” Obi caught the edge of the stairs with his other hand and began to pull himself back up, the woman gripping his coat and belt to help him all the way, “Thanks…” he gave her shoulder a grateful squeeze, “Let’s keep going, stay alert.” The Captain took her hand without thinking and they made their way through the inferno together, it was early dawn by the time they had finished putting the Infernals to rest and Y/N’s head drooped as she fought off sleep, eventually her head dropped onto Obi’s shoulder and he opened one of his eyes to look down at her, a smile flitted over his lips as she let out a mumble. He closed his eye again and relaxed a little, there was still some driving to do before they got back to the station so he would have to enjoy this as much as he could. They’d been friends for as long as he could remember and part of him regretted that he wasn’t her prince charming… they had never even had a moment where he thought he could kiss her and she would respond favourably - perhaps he was a coward? He had told the girls what he

honestly thought, ‘if there was anything between them it would have happened by now.’ It ached every time she described her ideal man but overlooked him. Obi wanted her to be happy and if that meant helping her out before every date she had with a stranger then he would take it on the chin. — - “I give up!” Y/N announced and tossed her jacket over Vulcan’s workbench, “Vul, I need something to hit - gimme a job to do.” She pulled him out from under the matchbox, not too surprised by his animal-themed goggles but they made her laugh, “You’re so cute…” “I’m a star-nosed mole.” The redhead pointed over to a different bench, “The hubcap got a little banged up, wanna hammer it back into shape?” She passed him a bottle of water and the young man pulled his goggles off, he saw Y/N like a kind of mother but even he had to admit she looked good in her date outfit, “Didn’t it go well?” She shook her head, “It was fine at first but then he started talking about himself and it was way different than his profile, then he kept changing his story and I just got this… feeling about him. He was hot as hell but I started to really go off him by dessert.” Y/N took a breath, “You know how you said Dr Giovanni made even your bones feel creeped out - he was like that.” A little time passed with the two working away and then they were interrupted by Hinawa, the Lieutenant’s wide eyes landed on Y/N and she flinched, “…Um?” “Your date called the station, he wanted to know if you got home safe.” He would have gone on to lecture her on the proper use of the work phone but the ex-soldier paused when he saw her expression change, it was obvious the news wasn’t welcome. “Y/N?” “I didn’t tell him where I worked… I said I was in Emergency Services and there’s nothing on me to indicate I work here.” Her skin prickled and she glanced out of the garage door as if someone might be lurking there, “What did you say, Lieutenant?” Hinawa walked past her and pulled the door shut before tossing her her coat, “I told him that Company 8 only deals with Infernals in this district and hung up.” He told Vulcan to make sure he locked up when he was done and led her toward the kitchen. The kitchen with Hinawa always meant a heart to heart, Hinawa began preparing tea and she gave a sigh as she waited for him to say whatever it was he needed. “Tell me about the guy you went out with tonight? Description, occupation… concerns.” “Tall, dark hair and eyes, he was pretty broad.” He passed her a cup and she held it close as she leaned on the counter, “He said he was police force but then he kinda changed his story, I caught a glimpse of a tattoo on his arm when he took his coat off and it looked military.” She watched Hinawa nod slowly and then he gestured for the door, having her follow him to the equipment lock-up, “Hinawa?” “I didn’t like his tone, Y/N, I don’t like what you’re telling me.” He pulled open his gun draw and picked out a handgun, checking it over before holding it out to her, “I’m lending this to you, I know you can use it so I’m not too worried about gun safety.” “Hinawa?” She took it from him hesitantly, “I’m… I think you’re overreacting.” “You looked terrified when I said you got a call… It takes some doing to rattle you, Y/N. Cancel your dating subscription, it’s embarrassing that you even signed up. You’re an attractive woman but you need to get your head out of fairytales and start looking in the real world.” Y/N kept the gun Hinawa had given her in a holster under her clothes, she figured he was being overprotective and the thought made her feel better about the whole thing, Company 8 were her family and they looked out for her, maybe Hinawa was right and she needed to relax a little. It was a full week since her date and everything was just like normal, at least she had thought it was. It was Arthur that pointed out a reoccurring figure at the scenes they went out to, the blonde pointed past her shoulder and she turned along with Shinra, “He’s here again.” Shinra squinted into the crowd and agreed, “Yeah, he was here last time and the

time before. Do you know him, Y/N?” The figure was already walking away when she tried to get a better look, she felt a chill all over and stepped backwards nervously - straight into Obi. His hands rested on her shoulders and he searched the crowd too, “Y/N… you’re shaking.” Obi had heard about the stranger in the crowd and he had been told by Hinawa that there was a problem with her last date, the Captain guided her back to the matchbox and searched the crowd one more time before ordering Vulcan to drive them home. They all kept an eye out from then on, the figure didn’t appear again but someone kept calling the station and hanging up, Vulcan noticed that the lock on the garage had been tampered with and one morning they found a bouquet of flowers left at the doorstep. It had gotten to a point where Y/N couldn’t go anywhere without an escort. — - “Maki, could you go tell Y/N it’s her turn to do the dishes?” The woman gave her Captain a nod and headed down to the garage where Y/N said she was going to grab a screwdriver to fix something in her room. She looked around and saw only Vulcan’s feet under the matchbox and Licht trying to convince him to help with modifications. They both seemed confused as Y/N hadn’t been there in the last half an hour, the three of them started a search throughout the large building and then there was a mass panic when no one could find her. Obi had been the last person to leave the station, calling ahead to Company 5 to see if they could spare some extra feet on the ground and then he would search the local area. The phone rang and he prayed it wasn’t an Infernal, “Company 8, Captain Obi speaking… Y/N! Where the hell are you?!” “I was taking out the trash and… I didn’t see him…” Obi pressed the phone closer to his ear, she sounded so faint, “Akitaru, I… I’ve been shot.” His blood ran cold as that sunk in.

#obi akitru #reader #fire force #stalking #enen no shouboutai #enn enn no shouboutai #garth ennis

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jiantan · 3 years

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Operation: Cheer Up Buddy || Jian & Minjoon

When: May 7, 2021

Where: Jian’s apartment, Santa Monica, California

Featuring: Minjoon Song (dialogue provided by Katie @minjoonie-song)

Triggers: Drunkenness

Joonie dropped his phone on the couch where he’d been laying around after Jian’s last text, making a checklist of things as he dove head first into Operation: Cheer Up Jian. Hm. Scratch that. Operation: Cheer Up Buddy. Code name: CUB. During his internal rambling, that admittedly did make him smile, Joonie grabbed one of his favourite blankets and threw it into the dryer to make sure it was warm when he took it over. After steps two, three and four of his amazing plan; put on pants, gather food and get the blanket out, Joonie was using his foot to knock on Jian’s door, hugging the blanket to keep it as toasty as possible.

Jian was laying on the floor of his living room, three drinks in. Who would’ve thought Mike’s Hard Lemonade would actually taste good? Not Jian. His co-worker Stanley was right. But now Jian was drunk and thinking about his ex. He remembered that he was dumped by the person he thought was his soulmate two years ago to the date and had to throw himself a pity party to celebrate. As he heard a knock on the door, he groaned and rolled around before getting up and answering. “Minjoon, hi...” he said, realizing in that moment that he was wearing Christmas penguin pajama pants.

Joonie greeted Jian with a smile and a quiet hi as he set down the picnic basket so he could drape the blanket over his shoulders. “Warm and soft always makes me feel better.” Minjoon smiled, retrieving the basket again and patting the lid lightly. “Food too. I brought things to make you either the best mushroom risotto you’ll ever eat ever or the best pizza bagels you’ll ever eat. Depends on how soon you feel up to eating.”

He blinked at Minjoon in confusion, almost forgetting about the texts he had sent not long ago. “I, uh, I’ve never had pizza bagels before,” he admitted. His parents considered it to be junk food, and they never kept much junk food in the house. As an adult, Jian internalized their lessons about healthy eating, but he occasionally went to drive-thrus after long days at work. “Have you ever had Mike’s Hard Lemonade before? My co-worker said it was tasty and I didn’t believe him, but it does taste like lemonade!” He snuggled up in the blanket, bringing it closer to his face. “This smells nice.”

“Pizza bagels it is! And they’ll be the yummiest you’ll ever eat ever and they’ll ruin all other pizza bagels for you forever.” Minjoon nodded confidently. He may have been biased, considering he’d made both the bagels and the sauce he brought over. “Um.. nope. I can’t say I have. I like making cocktails because it’s about flavours and that’s like my one skill. I mostly like wine though because of how well it pairs with food and I love food so that’s mostly what I drink if I’m at home or a friends.” He felt his face flush when Jian commented on the blanket. “Ah, that’s my uh.. I have a pillow mist? It’s lavender, jasmine and sandalwood. I put it on my blankets too because it’s supposed to be soothing.”

“Oh. I guess I’m trying new things today.” He was genuinely interested to see how this would turn out. “I don’t like too many alcohols because of the taste. I liked the cocktails you made that one time because they tasted like fruits. Every beer I’ve ever tried tasted like wet bread. I think I tried wine once and didn’t like it.” Most of his alcohol-based misadventures occurred during college. He tried a bunch of different things but disliked most of them. “Your pillow mist is nice. You’re nice.”

“You’ll have fun, I promise. If not fun, you’ll at least have a full tummy.” Joonie put his hand on Jian’s shoulder to guide him back slightly and let himself in so he could close the door behind himself. “We don’t want the little ones escaping. Ollie, really. Reggie will probably take some time but better safe than sorry.” Minjoon could only nod in agreement at the opinion on the drinks. “Yeah, I’m not really a beer drinker. I don’t really like it but cocktails that don’t taste like alcohol are the best. Except for the fact that you can just drink them like juice and get drunker than you want to. Do you really like it? I can get you some.”

"Having a full tummy is a good idea. I didn't eat dinner yet." He didn't have any plans for dinner and was most likely going to eat leftovers before Joonie arrived. "Reggie is in his tank. I'm not sure where Ollie is. He's probably asleep on my bed. Or in my laundry hamper." If he was awake, he would have already darted for the door. "I don't think I need any more alcohol. I'll just become more sad." Too much alcohol made him sad and he never figured out how to fix that.

“This won’t come as a surprise but I’m full of good ideas when it comes to food. Mostly because my ideas just involve eating and that’s always a good idea.” Joonie nodded when Jian explained where the pets were, not quite sure where Jian’s room or the hamper was so he couldn’t try and peek to wave at Ollie. “No, I don’t think you should drink any more unless it water or juice.” He paused slightly, looking at the bags he brought before he set them down where he stood and opened his arms. “Do you want a hug?”

"You do love food... I don't mean that as a bad thing. Just an observation. You make good food and you have good taste." The last thing Jian wanted was for Joonie to think he was insulting his weight or eating habits. When asked whether he wanted a hug, he hesitated. He knew a hug would feel very nice and comforting right now, but he was afraid he'd start crying if he was hugged. He didn't want to be perceived as a pathetic baby, even though he felt like one on the inside. After a moment of silence, he caved in, burying his face in his friend's shoulder.

“I really do. It’s always been that um.. Like a constant? It’s always been a source of comfort for me.” He wrapped Jian up in a hug when the other leaned into it, his crooked fingers stroking the hair at the nape of his neck before he was massaging it the way that always helped soothe him. “I’ve got you.”

“My computer and my gaming consoles have been my source of comfort since I was young. If I feel lonely or sad, I can play a game and become someone else for a little while.” As soon as he finished saying his thought aloud, he realized just how sad it sounded. He thought to himself, ’I really am pathetic.’ He took a few deep breaths, trying to keep it together as his friend touched his hair, until he finally snapped and started crying into Minjoon’s shoulder.

“That’s the same for everyone, isn’t it? Why we have so many games where we’re the hero? Where at the end of it, we’re the ones who save the day and everything is okay.” He hoped his reassurance came across as exactly that, a reassurance, and not him trying to invalidate Jian’s feeling of comfort. Joonie understood how hard it can be to open up, to spill secrets no matter how big or small. He wrapped his arms tighter around Jian, rest his chin on his shoulder and held him closer; another quiet “I’ve got you.” leaving him.

“I— I guess so. I haven’t put too much thought into it.” He wanted to be able to save the day and make everything okay in his own life, but he didn’t even think he was the main character of his story. If anything, he was the villain who ruined everything. “Why are you so nice?” he mumbled, squeezing Joonie even tighter.

“And that’s okay too. Not everything has to have a reason, you can enjoy things simply because they’re enjoyable.” Minjoon spoke softly, trying to be as gentle as possible with Jian so he knew he was in a safe space. “I’m not so nice, I’m Minjoon.” Even with the joke, he kept his voice light but still, the corners of his lips curled up slightly in amusement at himself as he squeezed back.

Jian sniffled, asking, “Like Animal Crossing?” He truly did play Animal Crossing just for the sake of playing it. There was no winning or losing in that game, just colorful animals. “No, but you really are a nice person. I don’t know what I did to deserve a nice friend like you.”

#self para #Minjoon Song

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missmentelle · 4 years

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What To Do When a Loved One is Dating an Abuser

There are few things as frustrating and as heartbreaking as watching someone you care about stay in a long-term abusive relationship. The red flags may be obvious to everyone in your loved one’s life - blinding, even - but for some reason, your loved one just can’t or won’t see them for what they are. There are always excuses for bad behaviour, always unconvincing explanations for suspicious injuries, always hollow assurances that things aren’t as bad as they seem.

When someone we care about is in an abusive relationship, our first instinct is often to try to rescue them. We want to finally break through to them and make them see that their relationship is terrible and that they deserve so much better. If all else fails, we want to throw them in our car and drive them so far away that their abuser can never find them again. Or we may have no idea how to bring up the situation with our friend - talking about abuse is uncomfortable, and you may have no idea how to even begin that conversation. Being a third party to an abusive relationship is a horrible situation to be in, and you may find yourself overwhelmed with anxiety, fear, uncertainty and concern for your friend.

Fortunately, there are some important steps that you can take to support your loved one and help them to build a safer life for themselves, like:

Don’t try to force them to leave. The first thing that most people want to say when they hear about an abusive relationship is “Leave! Dump them! Break up with them right now!”. But coming on that strong is a mistake. The victim has to be the one to make the decision to leave, and they need to be completely committed to leaving - when a victim caves into pressure from family and friends and leaves an abusive relationship before they’re ready, they are at extremely high risk of returning to the relationship, and repeatedly leaving and getting back together with an abusive partner is very dangerous. And if your friend isn’t ready to leave yet, you telling them to leave may push them away from you, leaving them with less support. There are steps you can take to help them reach the conclusion that leaving is necessary - and I’ll explain what those steps are - but pestering or commanding them to leave is not helpful.

Emphasize that they are capable of making their own choices and that you will be there for them no matter what they decide to do. One of the biggest barriers that victims face in leaving abusive relationships is that their partner has destroyed their confidence in their own decision-making abilities. They are used to being told that they are irrational, stupid, incompetent, and that they can’t be trusted to make the right choices. They may not trust their own judgement, and believe that they are “overreacting” to their partner’s mistreatment - after all, they are used to being harshly criticized and having to second-guess themselves. One of the best things you can do for a victim of domestic violence is to restore their confidence in their ability to make decisions for themselves and feel good about those decisions. Remind your friend that they are smart and capable, and that you wholeheartedly support their ability to make their own choices. True recovery from abuse does not mean that the victim stops taking orders from their abuser and starts taking orders from their friends - true recovery means regaining the autonomy to decide for themselves.

Avoid bashing their partner. I know it’s tempting to want to let your friend know what a horrible, lazy, abusive piece of shit their partner is. Don’t. People tend to view their partners as an extension of themselves - when you tell someone that their partner is garbage, what they hear is “I think you’re the kind of person who chooses to date garbage”. It puts them in a position where they feel like they need to defend their partner and their dating choices, and ultimately pushes them closer to their partner and further away from you.

Focus on feelings, not labels. A lot of victims struggle with the word “abusive”. They don’t want to think of themselves as someone ended up in an abusive relationship - there’s a lot of stigma attached to that idea - and so they might push back hard if you try to force that idea on them, making them more defensive and less likely to leave. Don’t worry about the word “abuse” for now - your loved one doesn’t actually need to acknowledge that the relationship is abusive in order to leave it. They just need to realize that they aren’t happy. When a friend brings up something potentially (or definitely) abusive that their partner did to them, don’t rush to label it - instead, ask them about how that incident made them feel. Validate those feelings. When they say “it really scares me when my partner starts throwing things around”, don’t say “throwing things is on the abuse checklist” - say “Oh wow, that does sound really scary. Do they do that a lot? How are you coping with that? That doesn’t sound like something that should happen in a relationship at all. Are there any other times that your partner scares you?”. Encourage your friend to think critically about the relationship, their feelings, and what they want in a partner - help them contextualize their relationship and recognize that their experiences aren’t “normal”, and they can arrive at the conclusion that it’s abusive in their own time.

Keep your relationship with them positive. Having conversations about the abuse you’re experiencing is exhausting, and if every interaction you have with your friend turns into a long lecture about how they need to leave the relationship, they might grow distant from you. If they want to talk about the relationship every time they see you, that’s great, but don’t try to drag information out of them if they don’t feel up to talking. Even if you’re having heavy conversations with them, it’s okay to try to keep things positive - compliment them, remind them of their strengths, remind them how much you care about them. Keep your tone thoughtful and concerned, but not preachy. There may be times when they just want lighthearted distractions from their situation, and that’s okay too.

Remind them that this is not their fault, and that they deserve better. Victims often stay in abusive relationships because they feel that they are causing their partner’s abuse or bringing it on themselves - something along the lines of “they wouldn’t have to get so angry with me if I didn’t screw up so much”. Let your friend know that the abuse isn’t their fault and that they didn’t do anything to cause it. Remind them that adults are expected to behave like adults even when they are upset, and that there are no excuses for their partner’s behaviour - they deserve to be with someone who treats them with respect and can manage their emotions like a rational, mature adult.

Avoid shaming and blaming. Sometimes friends and family members will try to take on a “tough love” approach to getting their loved one out of the abusive relationship, and it’s profoundly unhelpful. They’ll say things like “if you stay, you’re choosing to be treated this way” and “I can’t watch you mess up your own life like this”, or even “your partner is going to kill you one day, is that what you want?”. It’s meant to try to shock or scare the victim into leaving - in reality, though, it just makes the victim feel even more worthless, and it makes them feel like a burden to the people who should be their greatest source of support.

Encourage safety planning. It could take months or even years for a victim to decide that they are ready to escape - instead of trying to rush that timeline, start by simply encouraging the victim to start thinking about their physical safety. A safety plan is not necessarily a plan to leave the relationship; it’s a plan to prevent or minimize violence and protect yourself from physical harm, so that you’ll have the option to leave the relationship when you’re ready. Let your friend know that you’re worried about their safety, and that you’d really like to help them brainstorm some ways that they can keep themselves out of harm’s way. Offer assistance if you can. A safety plan should always be tailored to the victim’s individual situation, and should involve planning for common triggers and early warning signs of violence. If your friend knows that violence is likely when their partner comes home drunk, for instance, you could make a plan for your friend to leave their home whenever that happens and come stay at your place until their partner sobers up. Work with them to plan for their unique circumstances, and check the internet for online safety planning resources.

Offer resources, but don’t push them. Almost every city and town has some form of help available for victims of domestic violence - there are hotlines, shelters, victim services agencies, counselling centres, etc. Resources are great, but not if you’re dumping a bunch of unwanted pamphlets in your friend’s lap that they didn’t ask for. Again, survivor autonomy is key here - your friend is the expert in their own situation, and they get to make the decision about when (or whether) to access resources. You also need to remember that accessing resources - or even getting caught researching resources - could be very dangerous for your friend, and it’s important that you let them take the lead on deciding what is safe for them to access. If you want to offer resources, do it gently - if you’re having a conversation where they seem to be acknowledging that things in their relationship aren’t great, you can say, “hey, would it be okay if we researched some resources together? What do you think would be helpful for you? What are you comfortable with, and how can I support you?”

Make open-ended offers of support. Make it very clear to your friend that your door is always open to them, and that they can call you anytime they need help. They need to know that it doesn’t matter if you haven’t spoken in six months and it’s the middle of the night - you will come pick them up, give them a place to stay, take them to the hospital, or give them any other kinds of support you’re able to offer. Abusers often succeed at keeping their victims trapped through isolation; they will prevent their victim from seeing or speaking to friends for so long that the friendship deteriorates, so by the time the victim is ready to leave, they have nowhere to go and no one to offer the kinds of material or moral support that they need to leave the relationship. Make sure your friend knows that you’ll still be there for them even if you lose contact for months or a couple of years, and that they never need to feel weird about turning to you for help whenever they need it.

Be patient. It often takes several dozen instances of abuse before a victim acknowledges that the relationship is abusive, and the average abused woman (there are currently no statistics on men) attempts to leave seven times before successfully escaping the relationship. Leaving is a process, and victims need friends and family members in their lives who understand this. Many victims end up losing their support system when loved ones become frustrated with how long it’s taking for them to leave; if you are supporting a domestic violence victim, it’s important to have a realistic sense of how long it can take to safely and permanently exit an abusive relationship, and manage your expectations accordingly.

If you are supporting a loved one in an abusive relationship, it’s also important that you take good care of yourself. The feelings of fear, worry and powerlessness that you experience when you watch a loved one struggle with abuse can be overwhelming, and you need to make sure that you are maintaining your own mental health while you are helping someone else. Take breaks. Talk to friends. Spend time on your hobbies. Eat good food and get exercise. If you’re feeling frustrated with the situation - and it’s absolutely valid to be frustrated - channel your feelings into art, journalling or anything else that helps you work through it. If you are feeling lost, you can contact a domestic violence resource center or hotline - they can give you tips for how to help your friend.

If your friend is okay with it, it would also be helpful if you joined forces with at least one of their other friends or family members to help support them. Knowing that there’s at least one other person who can be there for your loved one and pick up the phone if you’re unavailable can take a huge amount of stress off your shoulders. Feeling like you are the only thing standing between a loved one and serious harm at the hands of their partner is a hugely stressful situation to be in - when you build a team of supportive people around the abused person, that person has a lot more support at their disposal, and you get to avoid burning out.

It’s not easy to leave an abusive relationship. It’s not easy to help someone leave. But with the right support, you can help your loved one achieve a safe, abuse-free future.

#askmissmentelle #missmentelle #domestic violence #relationships #abusive relationship #abuse #mental health #escaping violence #tw abuse #abusive #abuser #abuse recovery #intimate partner violence

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writing-realityawayfromreality · 3 years

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Be Mine? Forever and Always

*HAPPY VALENTINE’S Day y’all. I hope everyone is having a good day whether that he spending the day with your significant other or with family and friends! I was hoping to post this last night but I was super tired. I’ve had this idea in my head for about a week now. Ever since I’ve watched Endgame my love for Chris Evans came back so here we are. Feedback is always welcomed. As always, all the love,

-K*

*Trigger warning- mentions of depression, overdose, car accident, attempted suicide, anxiety*

*Earlier that day*

You were rushing around your apartment trying to get everything that you needed before heading over to your sisters house. She had called you early this morning in tears saying that she couldn’t do it anymore. She has always struggled with her depression and she thought that moving out and having a baby would help but it didn’t. This call was a regular occurance now, before it use to be once a month and before that every other month.

You were standing in your bedroom going over a mental checklist making sure you weren’t forgetting anything when someone placed their large hand over your eyes. “Guess whooooo?” The voice spoke. You couldn’t help but smile hearing his voice. You quickly spun around to be met with the blue eyes that you fell deeply in love with. Chris stood there with flowers and a box of chocolates in the heart shaped in his hands. “What, when...” You asked confused. “Happy Valentines day weekend.” He said pecking you cheek, standing up straight he saw the bags on the bed. He quickly looked at you. “Chris, I...” You completely forgot it was Valentines day this weekend. “Your sister?” Chris asked with an annoyed look. You just nodded your head. “Babe, not this weekend, please?” Chris said sitting on the bed. “I... I forgot you were coming home this weekend and she called this morning and was crying, Chris she told me she couldn’t do this anymore, what else am I supposed to do?” You said

“She says that every time though, then you go over there and she leaves and when she comes back she is completely fine...” Chris started. “She’s having a hard week...” You try to explain before getting annoyed. “Are you honestly mad that I am going to help my sister?” You asked “She’s using that to her advantage Y/n! You’re enabling her. She knows that if she gives you the water works you will come running. It’s every time Y/n, it’s like you’re so afraid to hurt her feelings you do whatever she tells you. We couldn’t get engaged until she did, you won’t even talk about having a family because she just had a baby and you don’t want to steal her spot light.” Chris finishes. “That’s weak Chris! I would think that you more than anyone would sympathize with her because you understand depression and anxiety! I’m sorry that I want to make sure that my sister is okay mentally and that I worry about her. She’s my sister!” you said getting mad. “Are we really fighting because I wanted to come home and surprise my fiance with a nice romantic weekend?” Chris asked. “No we are fighting because you don’t understand. I couldn’t help her before but now I can...” You said starting to get choked up. “That wasn’t your fault.” Chris said coming to hug you. “But I was the one to find her, the note, the car. Chris she almost overdosed. I couldn’t help Chris, I just couldn’t.” you cried now into his shoulder. “It’s okay babe.” He said kissing the top of your head trying to comfort you. Your phone started ringing in your back pocket, slowly you pulled away taking your phone out to see it was your sister. “Hey, yeah... I’m on the way.” You asked hanging up. “I’m sorry.” You said to Chris before grabbing your bag and heading out the door.

You got to your sisters house to be greeted by your niece Mazie who was 3 years old. “Auntie!” She cried. “Are we going to play?” She asked. “Of course. Where’s your mom?” She point to your sisters room. “I’ll be right back.” you said heading in the direction she point. “Hey...” You said “Y/n, hey! Thank you so much, Jake is taking me to this lovely resort to help me relax, isn’t he so sweet and loving?” She asked giving you a kiss on the cheek before telling you the baby was asleep and that everything was set up for you for the weekend. You waved as your sister pulled out of the driveway speeding down the road. Maybe Chris was right and that she was just really using you. Sighing you put on a happy face and went out to play with your niece. You were waiting for your pizza to arrive when the doorbell went off. “That must be the pizza, you hungry baby?” you asked Mazie as she jumped onto the couch looking out the window. “It’s Uncle Chris!” She shouted. “What?” you questioned laying your baby niece Stella down in her pack and play. “He has Pizza!” She yelled again. You quickly opened the door. “Someone order Pizza?” He asked smiling. “How?” You asked. “I stopped the pizza man and gave him a rather large tip. Listen can we talk?” He asked.

“Mazie, go to the bathroom and wash your hands please.” you said carrying the pizza to the kitchen. “I’m so sorry.” Chris said. “It’s alright” was all you could say before Mazie came back in. “I’m so hungry I could eat a whole cow!” She exclaimed making you and Chris both laugh. “Mazie how about after dinner we can watch some Disney movies?” Chris asked. “PLEASE AUNTIE?” Mazie cried out in excitement. “After you get a bath.” you stated. “Fine...” she replied making Chris chuckle. You had finished feeding Stella, burping her you laid her down in her crib for the night. You thought now was a perfect time to bathe Mazie and everything was going well, Chris was downstairs setting up the movie. You were going to let Mazie play in the bath for a little but then you heard Stella crying. Quickly you grabbed Mazie and headed to Stella’s room. Your heart was racing, when you noticed the crying stop. You stopped in the doorway to see Chris standing at the crib rocking Stella back to sleep, quietly singing to her. You didn’t think that you could love him more than you did but you were wrong. “I um I checked her diaper, she wasn’t wet so I thought I would try to get her back to sleep.” He said slightly smiling. “Thank you.” you said before taking Mazie to her own room to get dressed.

“Are both of your eyes closed?” Chris asked Mazie and you as he carried her down the stairs in one arm and holding your hand with his free hand. “I’m so excited” Mazie said smiling. “Alright, last step, and just a few more feet... alright anddddddddddd.” Chris drew out the word. “UNCLE CHRIS...” Mazie yelled giggling. “alright, alright. open.” He said. “Chris...” you said not being able to believe your eyes. “It’s...” “A castle!” Mazie shouted again. “Fit for a queen and a little princess. Are you ready for your movie?” He asked. “Yay!” Mazie crawled into the fort making sure to get a good spot in front of the tv. “Thank you.” you said kissing Chris.

You all watched the Little Mermaid and Aladdin, both Chris and Mazie singing along together both knowing each and every word. Half way through the third movie was when Mazie finally fell asleep. You bumped Chris’s arm gesturing towards the sleeping baby. Chris slowly got up and turning off the movie. “I’ll be back.” You said grabbing Mazie and taking her upstairs. You tucked her in giving her a kiss on the forehead before shutting the door. You wanted to quickly check on Stella, even though you had the monitor you just wanted to make sure she was alright. You started to head back downstairs, you thought that Chris might had left since the lights were out but once you reached the bottom stair you saw Chris sitting on the sofa with two wine glasses and candles lit everywhere. “Where did you get these?” you asked laughing taking a seat beside him. “I brought it. I am really sorry for earlier Y/n, I shouldn’t had said those things. You told me about her when she was 18 and what you and your family went through and...” Chris was blabbering on when you leaned in your lips coming in contact with him cutting him off. “You are right... you are so right Chris, when I got here she told me how Jake was taking her to this resort to help her relax, she was perfectly fine when I got here. Not a tear in sight.” you said taking a large gulp of wine.

You and Chris just sat there on the sofa, Chris talking about his work has he held your hand playing with the ring on your finger. You listened closely, staring at him taking him all in from the way he looked to the way he talked, the way that he smelled. “Dessert?” You asked as he just looked at you and smirked. “Christopher! Get your head out of the gutter!” you said playfully pushing his shoulder before getting up and heading into the kitchen. You grabbed the box of the big chocolate chip cookie from the pizza place. When you got back to the living room Chris had a box of the heart shaped candies in one hand with one particular heart in his other. “Be Mine?” Chris has holding the candy up. You grabbed before placing it in your mouth, “Always and forever.” You said kissing Chris. “I love you.” you said looking into those blue eyes. “I love you too.” “Thank you for today, for understanding and helping me out with the little ones. I can’t wait to have our little family, hopefully someday soon too. You’ll make a good dad.” you said looking at Chris. “We make a good team don’t we?” Chris smiled at you.

#chris evans #cevans #captain america #valentines day #cute #babies #chris evans x reader #chris evans imagines #chris evans fanfic #steve rodgers #chris evans x reader imagine

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