you know what. i did just realize this professor might be a little cheryl blossom voice queerphobic and i’m about to roll up to her class to talk about the gay little matt damon movie. again really banking on the one group member being one of her favorites to help here

hi cas!

just looking for a bit of advice here.

okay so for some background, i came out to my friend almost a year ago (kind of sort of, i just told her i liked girls as a girl myself) we’re both in school btw. she was completely supportive of me and even defended me against anything remotely homophobic. she was really sweet and understanding and i felt super safe with her. she’s been one of my best friends since middle school and she’s always stuck with me.

recently though, things have been changing. she’s always been a little back and forth with me and our other friends, always choosing who to be nice to in our group that day, it was never all of us. but now, she’s been more cold to just me consistently, ignoring me in big groups, looking me up and down, getting ‘mad’ at me for every reason she can find. it’s just not great. but then out of the blue some days, she acts like im her best friend and she loves me and is so so kind to me. those are the days i feel safe with her again.

but that’s not what’s bothering me the most about her behavior recently. what is, is that she’s been using the f slur a lot, not often directed at people (though i assume its at me when she says “i hate *f slurs* when i do something she doesn’t like) i’ll oftentimes just brush it off and act like she was just making a joke that was actually funny with a little remark back to her. i don’t know if she’s actually homophobic, because she’s really close with some of my gay friends and doesn’t do this to them, also because of her support when i came out.

and i really don’t know what to do about it because i love her friendship when she wants to give it to me, but what she’s doing is starting to really hurt me. i’ve talked to my best friend (who is amazingly kind and has also experienced this friend’s fake side) about some of this but i just don’t think she’d understand how deeply this hurts me

anyway, didn’t mean to dump on you this much but i just hope you can help me find what to do next. thank you <33

(also if i end up sending another ask, which is pretty unlikely, you can just call me eternal sunshine anon <3)

Hi love!

So what your friend is doing is NOT okay. Using the f-slur in that way is absolutely homophobic and could be considered a crime depending on your location. Now, I'm not saying you should call the police or anything. There's obviously nuance with the word- some queer people have chosen to reclaim it, and there is a huge amount of ignorance with people outside of the community. However, your friend is deeply in the wrong.

I think the first thing I would push you to do, though, is talk to your friend. I know it can be intimidating to address conflict like this head-on, but it seems like you do care for this friend, so I think you should at least try to tell her that these and other actions make you upset and make you feel unsafe. Right now, there's the very small chance that she's unaware, so we don't know if she's hurting you on purpose. Her reaction will be a huge indicator of whether or not it's worth it to stay friends. An ignorant but well-meaning person might say, "oh my god, I had NO idea, I'll really work to do better!" and then actually do so. But if she doubles down or tells you you're being too sensitive, I would urge you to reconsider that friendship. A 'friend' who is willing to intentionally do something that hurts you isn't really a friend.

Remember too that even if someone doesn't understand WHY something is hurtful, a person who cares will still make an effort to feel comfortable. So even if she doesn't fully understand why you dislike some of her actions, as long as your requests are reasonable, she should still try to do better. (Asking her to not use a hateful slur is EXTREMELY reasonable.)

You have the right to set boundaries and ask for respect and if people don't like that, they aren't worth your energy or friendship.

I hope this helps! <3 <3 <3

Why does D agree to certain things? It’s probably because the alternative is worse but then I still don’t understand why he agreed to the sham. He could not have right? Idk what would have happened had he, but I feel anything is better than being married to her. All she does is ruin his reputation, and give him a straight image (to his team), so I genuinely wonder what image he wants for himself because if he didn’t go along with it, what else could they have painted him as that they haven’t already and continue to?

There are endless opinions on this, depending on who you ask. The m/iarren stans and the fans who believe that every message from D’s SM are actually from him will tell you that there was nothing to agree to because he loves her and wanted to marry her because he can’t live without her. They have a love that’s truer than true and are #couple goals. They are perfect for each other in every way and he adores her every breath and she’s just as devoted to him, which is why she follows him everywhere he goes. There’s nothing odd about the length of their relationship and the fact that no one involved in it can give you a consistent time frame. You ask 5 people how they met or when they started dating, you’ll get 5 different answers. All those pics of them together where she’s grabbing onto him and clutching at any limb within her reach are just her being affectionate. The fact that they sit like strangers on a subway during one part of an interview and when it’s noticed, the next part that’s released has both of them being all touchy feely is just coincidence. The dude bro slang and emoji filled posts are just him having fun and being spontaneous. They’re cheeky and silly. Its just him living his best life and there’s nothing forced or untoward about it. He loves only hanging out with her trashy besties and spending nights entertaining the masses in her piano baby/lifelong dream business that she can’t be bothered to promote or run while he accompanies her on the piano looking completely lifeless as she drunkenly butchers one of the 4 songs she knows and thinks she can sing. He’s just being a supportive partner when he talks about the awful branded merchandise from the strip bar during a tv segment that’s supposed to be about his career and then models it later on in a cute coupley pic where he looks like his soul has just left his body. Having her accompany his every move is just what married couples do or didn’t you know that? It’s not natural for one partner to do something without the other, especially if it’s career related. All celeb couples are joined at the hip once they officiate their own wedding. All celeb couples have a wedding - or a great party as it’s sometimes known as - that is corporate sponsored to within an inch of its life. All celeb couples who have one person say they didn’t want to be in a public relationship have a cover story done in Vogue magazine and then have their pr team make sure the link to that article is noted and shared in practically every print interview done for the other person for over a year. This is all completely normal behavior for a 100% believable couple.

There are no such things as contracts that dictate behavior and managers and pr teams don’t post things on their client’s behalf. Lavender relationships and marriages are a thing of the past. No one would dare impose something like that on a celeb in 2021. It must be nice to be that naive. Or sad. Mostly sad. If you believe that, then you haven’t been listening to the stories of celebs who’ve been closeted and decided to come out at the risk of their career. It’s a thousand times easier to market someone as straight - there’s no denying that. And when you’re young and just starting out, you have no leverage whatsoever and will go along with what people tell you to do. If you don’t, you don’t have a career. It’s as simple and evil as that. They hold all the cards and if you want to be a musician or an actor, you have to play by their rules. You sign a deal and before you know, everything has snowballed and you’re in so deep, you don’t know how to begin to climb out. Look at Taylor Swift and the mess she’s gone through with her songs and she’s one of the biggest singers on the planet. Whether you’re a fan or not, you know who she is. If she can’t get control over songs that she freaking wrote because of a shitty contract she signed when she was like 16 without massive amounts of legal issues, what hope do the people who are less famous have? Look at what D said about his lack of input on the evolution of Blaine’s hair and how he didn’t want to rock the boat. Something as simple as that and he didn’t feel like he could or should speak up. Now apply that same mentality to a legal document and think about how hard it would be to try to countermand any part of it, especially when you’re as young as he was then.

D’s team is particularly troublesome because they’re lazy and incompetent and have no interest in marketing him as he really is. The easy way out is the straight way out and that’s their lane. That’s the one they’ve chosen and they will ride that till the wheels fall off. Let’s be honest: D is all RR has. He’s going to milk every drop he can out of D while he can. There’s no celeb out there with an established career who’s considering new management who looks at D’s situation: the circus that is always around him, the garbage that’s posted on his SM in his name, the endless ads for things like ugly ass jewelry and a paid promo pic for a 5 star hotel in the Philippines from the group honeymoon (not a thing) that they crashed after D spent days sifting through garbage with women who live in abject poverty and will never make the kind of money that even a meal at that hotel would cost which totally makes him look awesome - and think “yes! This is what’s been missing all along. Where do I sign?” He’s not getting a free home reno and some TV time from the girl who played Luna in the HP movies and B/ecca T/obin - someone who played a forgettable and unremarkable bitchy blond cheerleader (def breaking the mold there, totally not a trope that can be found in every 80s high school movie or tv show) and now hosts a ridiculous podcast. So he’s going to push his own agenda and make sure that everyone knows his client is straight at every opportunity that’s presented and foist his bride in our faces at even more opportunities just in case it wasn’t clear because oh my god did you hear that D is straight? And he’s been dating this super cool rockstar woman since he was an embryo so there’s no way anything could have ever happened between him and someone else from this show he was on for a while. It wasn’t a big deal or anything. He had a small role and a love interest but they weren’t real popular. I mean if you’ve seen one gay teenage romance, you’ve seen them all. The show’s been over for 5 years and they’re hardly ever mentioned now so there’s no point in keeping them alive. It’s not a role that meant anything to him and it’s certainly not something he would want to celebrate the 10 year anniversary of. I wonder if he was allowed to do that as long as managed to shoehorn in a mention of his lovely ball and chain of many moons. Because that’s what always happens. Doesn’t matter what the topic at hand is - it always seems to come back around to her. And she just smirks and flashes her fake engagement ring at the camera and eats it up because he does all the work and she reaps all the rewards. Like RR, she’ll never give him up without a fight because what then? No one will write articles about what a badass she is. No one will be there to do free promo for her strip bar. No more red carpet pics or designer duds gifted to her. No more free trips to Europe or last minute weekend getaways with his stylist. No one will care about her super secret Instagram account and post pics from it that she’s forwarded over so they get picked up and pumped out to news blogs for maximum coverage. No more pics with actual famous people because who’s inviting a career less nobody to events? She’s a woman in her mid 30s who behaves like an 18 year old on spring break and thinks nothing of it. She doesn’t give a shit how her behavior reflects on D because she doesn’t care about him. All she cares about is what he can provide her and that’s secondhand fame, money, and the image of the best wife to ever wife. But if he was single, then there’d be even more questions about his sexual orientation than there are now and no way to refute anything. So we get this clusterfuck. What they fail to understand is that the harder they push, the more holes they create and the more distasteful this all becomes. I just want to be a fan of D. That’s all I want. But I can’t do that because he comes with a front and center “work family” that I can’t get away from.

I sometimes don’t know what he wants for himself image wise but I truly don’t think it’s this. The difference between in person D and SM D is too great for me to believe he’s really cool with all of it. I don’t know how many more times he has to say that he’s rarely on SM, which should be the reddest of red flags that most of the stuff posted is not coming from him. The fact that he’s taken to SM to rebuff things said in his name that are patently false and insulting reinforces that belief for me. He’s not perfect but he’s not the fake barely literate guy he’s portrayed as. I wouldn’t still be here if I thought that’s who he really was and I wouldn’t care at all about his personal life if it wasn’t shoved down my throat ad naseum.

Well this post kinda got away from me. 😊. I’m so very tired of all this and if I’m tired, D must be exhausted.

Why do I have a feeling that whatever is between them two, it's an open secret within the industry/close circle of friends? I mean, I was just minding my own business here and then I get to see words from other actors around them.... maybe I'm just overthinking things but qx with her repeated 'passionfruit' and 'u like the numbers 2 and 3 huh' were the last straws 😔

Hi, anon!

Disclaimer: fake fake fake.

Would that really be so bad, anon? I mean, for reasons, they can’t come out publicly to the media and the public, but would it be so bad for people around them to be aware of their relationship? Is it a lgtb relationship always bound to be rejected by people just because the public stance is one of nonacceptance?

(I ended up rambling a bit).

Let’s summarize:

They aren’t exactly hiding. They are aware that a great part of the public dismiss the idea of two men really being together in a relationship, so a lot of the signs and clues they leave are for each other and people who are open in the first place to the possibility of a romantic relationship between them. I’ve talked about it before, but there are way more subtle ways to carry on with a relationship that doesn’t involve necklaces, kadian and veiled references. So, for open minded people who are familiar with them, it’d be quite obvious that they are together (just based on their behaviour around each other). 

A lot of people in the industry don’t have a concise, clear knowledge of whether they are together. For example, QX is probably a bxg like us, rather than actually knowing things, and she was testing waters with her off-hand comments. But does she know for sure whether dd is confirming or just playing along? I think she doesn’t, because dd doesn’t know her, so I don’t think he’d tell her. 

However, there are people who definitely know something, like his bros from TTXS. What’s more, they are supportive and protective. The way WH poses his questions, and how DZW jumps in whenever dd says too much are very very telling.

For one, I’m glad that some people know about them (or at least, they seem to know). First of all because it gives me hope for the future, of acceptance from the people in the industry and, even more, from the audience. And second, because hiding is painful.

They do cover for events, interviews and such, but I like the idea of them actually being themselves when there are no cameras around. In previous events, tv episodes, bts, it’s shown that when these two are together, they enter their own bubble, having their own conversation with no regard to personal space. It’d be nice if they simply behaved like that behind the cameras because they felt no need to hide when they aren’t being recorded, which would lead their relationship to being an “open secret” in the industry.

Moreover, lately, I get the feeling that they have both entered a “I don’t care” kind of phase, which is more evident than ever by dd wearing his necklace openly again, and gg giving very straightforward answers. I will be paying attention to this, but just... think: this is what they do when they know their image and their words will be analyzed over and over by the fans. I don’t think they particularly care when they are around people they know, people who actually know them and support them.

(Disclaimer: ofc, this is my opinion, I don’t know them or anyone in the industry to check this).

Maybe you are worried about gossip sites or of anyone telling/selling their “secret” to the magazines, anon. But remember that the same “no talking about non-heteronormative relationships” policy is the same policy that’s “protecting” them.

Remember their hotpot “date” in 2018. Someone saw dd’s assistant queueing for hours to get a reservation for him and a companion. So paparazzis and reporters rushed to the place, suspecting a possible girlfriend. However, they were greeted by the sight of gg and dd leaving the restaurant together. They even snapped those photos of gg talking on the phone and dd in the same outfit he’d be wearing the next day in the airport.

From what I know, it’s not just that they weren’t able to sell them at that moment (in 2018, bjyx as a fandom wasn’t what it became in 2019), but they couldn’t even sell them in 2019 when the fandom flourished nor in early 2020, when everyone was trying to drag gg’s name in the mud. 

It’s just that even though the photos would have sold well because of bxg, no magazines or gossip sites can talk openly about gay relationships because of censorship (the irony of the censorship being what prevents them from coming out and what helps them to hide). Instead, they can only say “gg/dd having dinner with his co-star”, but no title like that attracted the attention from the general public ever. 

Of course, for us may look as clear as daylight, but for many others is just an innocent dinner, with no other significance attached. You can’t wake up someone who is pretending to sleep.

About Dream’s Tweets...

To begin with, I’m demisexual and have been part of the community for years - I think I have pretty good credence to speak on this matter. I try not to throw my two cents into situations like this because I can’t stand the ignorant responses of the internet anymore at my age - DeviantArt Dark Ages vet right here - but sometimes I just have to. Whether you agree or not, I could honestly care less, but I would appreciate it if you read everything and gave it some thought before responding, be it positive or negative. With that said, let’s dive in...

At this point, if people are taking the shipping/fanservice jokes and banter between the Dream Team and other creators surrounding them seriously, I don't know what to tell them or really even say, honestly. They've all stated they're not looking to start relationships with each other - multiple times and on-stream/Twitter, might I add, because people keep donating and asking/demanding an answer to both that and about their sexualities - and that it's just messing around with friends. (If we want to talk about making people uncomfortable and being offensive in that regard, don’t you worry because I've got opinions on that too.) Bottom line is, you can't get mad at them for the fan-service now when you supported it before, especially when nothing has changed and they’ve been transparent about how everything actually is.

I understand that some may feel it’s an insensitive and inappropriate thing to do in some regards, and that's perfectly valid, but please don't go mobbing through the town with pitchforks over literal jokes between friends. Keep in mind, they’ve made it clear that’s all it was before people starting jumping down their throats, and still there are groups using their sexuality to attack them over it because "YoU'rE nOt MlM sO yOu CaN't MaKe ThOsE jOkEs, YoU'rE hOmOpHoBiC!!!!!" They're even openly attacking lesbians and bisexuals - whether they agree with them or not - because they're not gay and that somehow renders their words “invalid.” You can't accuse them of being ignorant for messing around as friends because it entertains the fans, and then turn around to attack literally the entire rest of the community for offering their opinions because they aren't valid enough for you in the argument to count - that makes you ignorant. You also can’t claim to be of the opinion that everyone’s sexuality is their own business, but then demand for them not to be ambiguous about it when it pleases you. Honestly, even thinking about people doing that is so incredibly hypocritical that it gives me whiplash.

I completely understand not everyone is a fan of this behavior, but to accuse them of queerbaiting, being homophobic and faking allyship over it all right now is just ridiculous and borderline disgusting to me. They've made it clear they're not romantically interested in one another countless times and that it's just fun between friends because they're super close - they aren't playing the "Am I, or am I not?" game with anyone for gain so no, they're not queerbaiting. Queerbaiting is when it’s not explicitly said at any point whether someone is or isn’t LGBTQIA+ so they can play both the community and conservative side by putting them in ambiguous situations that can lean one way or the other for gain, whether it be monetary or otherwise. Not to mention, if they were really as “homophobic” and “falsely allied” as everyone thinks, why would other LGBTQIA+ creators such as Antfrost, Eret, Scott Major, etc. not only support them, but also consider them friends? Again, I get the offense and hurt people might have taken from this behavior, but your opinions and feelings are ultimately not universal so while they are all valid, that doesn't make them right and the final say on the matter. I don’t mean this to say you’re wrong or inferior in the argument, just that you can’t demand others to see your point of view and abide by it without granting them the same respect. The road goes both ways kiddos, I’m sorry. 

Side note, there's no one to blame but the fans themselves for the jokes and whatnot to have continued on this long because they not only supported it, but also actively encouraged it. It’s been taken so seriously that Dream has outright stated on a stream - and now on Twitter - that he and George aren't together and more than likely never will be because they're honest to goodness just really good friends screwing around. Now if you think you're uncomfortable as part of the community, how do you think they feel being accused every five minutes of being against it because they won’t openly state their sexuality? Not to mention, they can't ever talk about actual relationships or joke about other ships because people will literally send death threats to whoever the other party is because they're "rUiNiNg ThE sHiP" at this point - need I remind you of the Septiplier fiasco? It’s alright if it’s a persona or a personality, but for the love of all things holy, please stop treating people like Barbie dolls that you’re trying to make kiss. They gave us the go-ahead to ship them because it makes us happy and allows us to be creative with the concept - don’t ruin it by trying to force them to play the parts you’ve constructed in your head and then get pissy because they won’t.

Also, it is unbelievably messed up for you to donate money to ask their sexuality and/or for them to tell each other that they love them - which then basically makes it a demand because if they ignore it they get blasted for not responding and “taking their money.” For example, Dream will say he loves any of his friends without issue because he does - just not in the way everyone is assuming or wants - and that's just the type of person he is, but George doesn't like to express it that way and that's okay. He shows his love in other ways that we don't always need to know about or see to make it real, just as it is with anyone else in the world. I don’t know how so many people miss it, but when he gets a donation to tell Dream - or anyone for that matter - he loves him on stream, you can easily tell how uncomfortable it makes him - and yes Dream presses/teases him about it sometimes, but he still drops it and doesn't flame him for it for eternity. Those that donate and chat, on the other hand, will not let it go when he doesn’t say it and continue to pour donations in begging him to say it when he’s already made it clear he won’t. You honestly shouldn't be bribing them to say or do anything through donation because that's beyond messed up and manipulative, especially where these matters are concerned.

And even if they weren't straight - which used to be the case and may have changed by this time, we can’t determine such things nor should we try to - or were in a relationship with each other, it isn't any of your goddamn business to know - no way, no how. What they do offline and out of the public eye isn't anyone's business but their own and people need to respect that, not try to force it out of them or play detective to dox that information for the attention. I mean, if you want a good reason as to why Dream hasn't done a face reveal yet, this is absolutely number one on the list because there will be little to no form of privacy for him after he does and he isn't ready to lose that just yet. I certainly can’t blame him for that considering all that’s been happening to him and his friends as of late, and neither can multiple other creators who hold the same beliefs and fears - ie. CorpseHusband, H20Delirious, Ohmwrecker. No one should have to tip-toe on eggshells in their personal life because fans online don't understand boundaries, that's just cruel and unfair after providing the content and comfort that they do without asking anything but support in return.

At the end of the day, I truly just don't understand how people can join in and support the jokes that they've made clear are purely just messing around, but then turn around and crucify them for the exact same thing later down the road. How can you practically harass them about their sexuality and relationship status through providing monetary means, then go on a witch hunt because they’ve decided to be more private with that information in the present? You can't play both sides and then expect to somehow be right or justified in the situation whichever way the tide turns because, at that point, the only wrong one is you. I completely agree that they need to watch their step with what they say and do sometimes - just as everyone with a strong platform does - but only more so now because people will create a problem the second they do anything that could spin into them being horrible people with too much power.

They’re all still incredibly fresh and new to the realm of social media popularity all things considered, and they reached said popularity startlingly fast so it can’t be easy to adjust to all the attention on everything you say and do. With that said, they’re doing remarkably well so far and I have faith that they’re going to continue to learn and grow in this arena given the time. They might mess up and make mistakes - already have, in fact - but that’s part of the gig and you can’t always please or satisfy everyone, so the best you can do is acknowledge your faults and move forward. You can’t demand someone’s head on a pike when they’ve made an effort to right things and it wasn’t good enough for everyone, it’s just not a fair standard to hold anyone to. In that same vein, you also can’t demand whatever you want out of them with the excuse that they owe it to you as a fan - you’re not a fan in any way, shape or form when you play that card, and you need to either shape up or ship out if you're doing that.

If you don't support it and/or don't like it, just don't follow or watch them anymore, it’s truly as simple as that. You can't continue to watch and support them as a “fan” while also touting how ignorant and horrible they are as detractors, that's just not how it works - pick one or the other and stop attacking them and those that don’t agree with you. They’re only on year one of their careers and the amount of people trying to “cancel” and tear them down over things that really aren't issues already is ridiculous, you aren't the righteous keyboard warriors you think you are and it's things like this that are ruining the internet for everyone, not just you.

That’s all I have to say on the matter and will continue to say going forward - sorry if you came here looking for my usual nonsense, but I really felt this needed to be said and addressed. I usually try not to do these sort of rants, however, this is a serious matter and a discussion that we as a community have been needing to have for a while, so now’s as good a time as any.

So, with my peace being given and my two cents thoroughly tossed, why don’t we focus on the bigger issues with YouTube such as their blatant ignorance of pedophilia and copyright abuse? Those seem like a much bigger problems to address at this point in time since that effects creators and fans as a whole - both in the present and the future - don’t you think?

001: descendants, 002: Bumarry, 003: Ben for the ask game please ❤️

Hi luv!

About this ask:

And of course!

001: Descendants

Favorite character: Uma

Least Favorite character: Mal

5 Favorite ships (canon or non-canon):

Harry Hook x Uma

Ben x Uma

Harriet Hook x Ginny Gothel 

Jay x Lonnie

Jay x Uma

5 Favorite polyships (canon or non-canon):

Ben x Harry Hook x Uma (Ben x Gil x Harry Hook x Uma)

Audrey x Harry Hook x Gil x Uma (Audrey x Ben x Harry Hook x Gil x Uma)

Carlos de Vil x Jay x Lonnie

Chad x Jay x Gil x Harry Hook 

Gil x Harry Hook x Jay x Uma

Character I find most attractive: Harry Hook

Character I would marry: Ben, Harry, Lonnie & Uma

Character I would be best friends with: Ben, Carlos, Jane & Jay

A random thought: Because it’s Disney, Descendants doesn’t touch on prostitution, human trafficking, and violent sexuality and at a very early age that the VK had to live, as happens in the real world in invasions, guerrillas (child soldiers), street children or centers penitentiaries not properly regulated (such as the Isle of the Lost, a prison without guards and any law). But I don’t touch on the subject because it’s something very real and strong to expose it like that with the fandom but due to my profession and work, it’s something that my brain always remembers. Also, I don't like it when people treat these topics just for shock value.

An unpopular opinion: It's visibly awkward that ships and popular characters are mostly white. And I mean in the content of the fandom. Although we talk about the racism that exists in the canon, very few people seek to balance the numbers with new contributions  (whether with content with canon characters, OCs, or y/n). I don't know if it makes sense. But it seems that it is easy to talk about racism but not do something actively to include BIPOC characters (This is why I get excited when I find people drawing Audrey, Jay, Evie, Uma, and others without lightening their skin tone or writing fics with BIPOC y/n or creating things with the BIPOC canon characters as their main characters)

My canon OTP: Harry Hook x Uma

Non-canon OTP: Jay x Lonnie

Most badass character: Uma

Pairing I am not a fan of: Any ship with Mal. Especially Mal canon. And I HATE Mal x Uma, Audrey x Mal and Ben x Mal. Because of the toxic and abusive environment.

Character I feel the writers screwed up (in one way or another): 

Chad Charming.  From the start, Chad, Cinderella's son was turned into... a terrible character. Well, in the beginning, he is intelligent and manipulative, who knows how to use his charm against others. Brilliant. Cool. I can work with that. He may have an arc about learning about his wrongdoing and using his privileges to help others who don't. But no, the character just went downhill and became everyone's joke. 

Also, Ben, obviously. The movies wouldn't exist without him and he became an accessory to Mal. Disney can only write hero and damsel in distress, it seems. Because they do that to Ben. A tool to move the plot. My poor golden boy.

Favourite friendship: Jay and Lonnie. Give me two best friends who constantly joke around, kick each other's butt, compete in even the most ridiculous things, are affectionate with each other and even if they don't plan on it, they spend time together (I'm seeing you Jay and "I'm not going to invite no one to the ball but I'm going to dance with Lonnie all night ")

Character I want to adopt or be adopted by: I'm going to adopt Celia and no one will be able to stop me!

002: Bumarry,

When of if I started shipping it: Technically I answered this here. Also, from looking for Huma and Buma fics, I ended up finding my first Bumarry and... Oh, I got hooked on the idea.

My thoughts: They are my OTPoly (One True Polyship). I love them. Because they allow me to mix the variables and create new scenarios. After all the damage Ben has gone through, I inevitably want to give him the best and the best is Huma. What else can I say? It’s absolute logic.

What makes me happy about them: The devotion, affection, and strength they would have. Ben and Uma are very different leaders who complement each other very well and I could only trust Harry to take care of the two of them and give them the freedom they deserve. Ben is incredibly loving and that's something both Harry and Uma deserve to feel, Uma is incredibly protective and Ben needs that backing to rule and Harry needs that to stay alive every 5 seconds. Harry's loyalty is unprecedented, he would see to not only that everything is up to Ben and Uma's standards, but he would personally see that their dreams come true.

What makes me sad about them: 

Harry Hook/Uma:

Ben/Harry Hook:

Ben/Uma:

Ben/Harry Hook/Uma:

There isn't much of them... And they're mostly fics of mine. I want more content, you know? I want to read fics, drabbles, see fanarts... Buh.

Things done in fanfic that annoys me: It’s not in Bumarry itself. Actually, it's in Ben/Harry Hook, they usually play dirty with Uma. And it annoys me. They make her mean, jealous, cruel, or things like that to Ben and Harry. And this I came across once: They make Harry gay and that his relationship/dynamic with Uma is pure appearance. I had no problem with Harry being gay, but the justification for his sexual tension with Uma was all... Fake? No, it didn't fit in well with me. I think that's why when you ask me to write Ben/Harry Hook, Uma is there to give support. Don't play dirty with my queen.

Things I look for in fanfic: Uma dom! Uma top! Those are my favorite tags.

My kinks: With this polyship? Okay... BDSM all the way. 

Ben:  Caring dom, cuckolding, cupping, degradee (especially with actions), experimentalists, little one, masochist, pet, hunter (primal), praise kink, prey (primal), rope bunny, submissive, suspension, switch, tentacle fetich, voyeur,  wax play

Harry Hook: Alpha sub, brat, breath play, biting fetich, choking, cupping, dom, degrader, exhibitionist, knife play (hook play?), owner, pet, praise kink, prey (primal), rigger, sadistic, slave, submissive,  switch, tentacle fetich

Uma:  Brat tamer, biting fetich, Dom, electrostimulation (electro-wand, feel like a little sting), exhibitionist, Immobilization, masochist, mistress, owner, hunter (primal),  orgasm control, sensation play, scratching, 

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: Ben/Uma, Ben/Harry Hook, Harry Hook/Uma, with Gil, Evie or Jay. 

My happily ever after for them: 

Ben and Uma reigning Auradon and the Isle of the Lost together, Harry Hook taking care of them so they don't get exhausted and are protected from any attack. 

Ben on the run with Harry and Uma to live a pirate life and reclaiming Auradon in a rebellion.

003 Ben

How I feel about this character: I love him! He has good intentions. Ben knows that he is in a position of power and struggles to take advantage of his privileges to change things. He is rebellious, the second he is going to take the throne he begins to dismantle the system. Ben has a good heart and wants to help other people. Besides, I love that he has his survival instinct broken.

All the people I ship romantically with this character: Uma, Harry Hook, Evie, Gil, Jay, Audrey and Chad

My non-romantic OTP for this character: Jane, Lonnie, Chad, Audrey, Evie, Uma, Harry Hook, Evie, Gil, Jay hahaha

My unpopular opinion about this character: Because he's a guy, the fandom downplays the horrible things he's been through.

One thing I wish would happen/had happened with this character in canon: He has maintained his friendship with Audrey and Chad. It breaks my heart to know that he is completely alone in that department since D1 and is perpetuated throughout the following films. I also wanted him to end up with Mal.

My het ship: Ben/Uma & Audrey/Ben

My fem/slash ship: Ben/Harry Hook, Ben/Gil, Ben/Chad

My OTP: Ben/Uma

My OT3: Ben/Harry Hook/Uma

My cross over ship: *thinking* Oh... Ben/Leo Valdez (PJO) And! And! Ben/Reggie (JATP)

My kink: Caring dom, cuckolding, cupping, degradee (especially with actions), experimentalists, little one, masochist, pet, hunter (primal), praise kink, prey (primal), rope bunny, submissive, suspension, switch, tentacle fetich, voyeur,  wax play

A HC fact: He likes to constantly question himself. About his sexual orientation, about his gender identity, about his ability to love, about his pleasure, above all. He likes to explore. Ben is queer.

My gender bend: Technically I already have it. In Meanwhile. Bee, she loos like her. I LOVE the idea of Bee shieldmaiden.

I love responding this! Thank you!!!!!!!

Surveys #447-448

(one from yesterday, one from v early this morning)

How did you and the last person you kissed start talking? By both being meerkat RPers on YT back in the day. Do you think someone is falling in love with you? Definitely not. Do you have a bad temper? Nah. What was the last song you listened to? SOBS "Suteki Da Ne" from FFX. If your mom was a teacher, would you want to be in her class? Hell yeah. She actually has been my substitute teacher before, as she worked at my elementary school with the special ed kids. Are you comfortable with people going through your phone? No. I have nothing to hide on there at all, but still... I just don't like it. Do you really care about what toothpaste you use? So long as it's mint-flavored, no, I don't care. Would you like it if the whole world spoke one language? I mean, I think it's pretty inarguable that that would be a beneficial thing. For all humans to understand each other, like in dire situations where information needs to be brought across. However, I don't believe we should actually try to change that now with so many languages already developed. That would be way, way too big a task and not that important. Would mind-reading really be a blessing or a curse? I'd find it more to be a curse. Would you ever get a pet turtle? Why or why not? Nah. They just don't interest me as pets. Do you tend to daydream a lot? If so, about what? Yeah. .-. About a lot of stuff... How I want my future to be, things I wish would happen, how I'd change past errors... What shop/store/brand would you model for, if given the choice? I would 110% model for Cloak if for whatever miraculous reason they wanted me to because a bitch supports her favorite human asdkfajkwle. I'd totally do some goth modelling for Rebel's Market, too. Do you actually read your friend’s surveys, or do you just copy and paste them and fill them out yourself? I read my friends' answers, yes. I like learning obscure things about them. Which is your favorite episode of I Love Lucy? Bar none, the "Vitameatavegamin" one. It's fucking hilarious, man. I love that show. Do you consider yourself a deep thinker? WAY too deep. Name two people who you are closest with? My mom and Sara. Which one of those two people would you eat first, if you were starving? Neither. I would absolutely rather die. No one cares whether or not you believe in love at first sight… but, do you believe in hate at first sight? Well, let's be real. If you witnessed someone being abused or raped or something like that, wouldn't YOU hate the villain immediately? I sure as hell would. When you were a kid, which comic strip was your favorite? I didn't care for those. How do you feel about fake plants? They can look good, they can look tacky, and they make great additions to some animal enclosures, like reptiles and bugs, for cover and new textures. Does it make you uncomfortable when people ask you your shoe size? Er, no? Would you feel guilty about cheating on your taxes if you got away with it? Yes. I tend to have a guilty conscience. Are you happy with your weight? NO. Do you go to church? If so, do you actually pay attention? No. When I was forced to go as a kid, I never paid attention. As a very young adult when I super rarely went, I would try to, but my attention definitely wavered. Would you rather have your nose or tongue pierced? Tongue, if it just didn't damage my damn teeth. :( I miss my snake eyes. Ever peed in your pants after the age of 10? It's very embarrassing, but yes. A few years ago, I had this very strange period of premature incontinence when I slept. I had to be put on some medication and a schedule to wake up in the night to use the bathroom. It oddly just... vanished as randomly as it started. Had any surgeries? What kind? I had tubes put in my ears as a baby, and then at the start of 2017 (I think), I had to have a cyst removed from my butt. :^) Ever told your parents you hated them? I've told Dad that, yes. Are you sober? Yeah. Do you have a crazy side? Not really, no. I'm boring. Do you have siblings over the age of 18? All of my siblings are. Do you think that downloading music illegally is immoral? Yes, and yet... I do it anyway. :x Have you ever sworn at a policeman/woman/cop? No. How far do you agree that the mother is more important in a child’s life than the father? I Don't agree with that. Would you ever let one of your children enter a beauty pageant? If they were old enough to make their own decisions, I'd have no say. But as a little kid, no. I do not support those damn things. What was your favorite Pokemon as a child? Charmander! :') Do you have a favorite name? What is it? Alessandra. It's so beautiful. What was the topic of the last assignment/essay you wrote? Toxic masculinity. I got SO into that essay. What’s your favorite type of juice? Probably peach mango. What was the hardest language you’ve ever tried to learn? LATIN. Like holy shit. What’s your younger sibling’s name? Nicole. What kind of cookie is your favorite? Chocolate chip. What would you do if your ex contacted you? I would just be... so happy. But also scared of where it would lead. What age would you like to have a child? No age, because I never want any. Are your parents wealthy? Definitely not. My dad SEEMS decently well-off, but he is most certainly not rich. Have you ever asked someone out? Yes. Your ex tells you they want you back, what do you say/do? I know I'd say yes, very quickly. -_- Do you know anyone that smokes weed? More like she's addicted to it. Is there one person you look at and automatically smile? Oh, that's Mark for sure, ha ha. Especially if he's laughing. It's game over for me if he's laughing. What’s your favorite hairstyle on a guy? Don't even fucking @ me, I love the emo hair swoop alskdfjalkwje;kjrwklejarwe Do you know anyone who’s won the lottery? No. What’s the name of the last cat you pet? Roman. What have you been up to today? Anything interesting? The only thing I've done today that deviates from my normal routine is I had to get blood drawn for some tests for my upcoming check-up. I don't know what was up with that needle, but it hurt this time. Are you the type of person to dwell on the past? I live there. Did your grandparents teach you anything? Not really, no... besides being old-fashioned is not an excuse for being an uptight... er... this answer is so mean, given the grandmother I'm talking about is dead, oof. Do you want/have a Bachelor’s degree? I wanted one... but I don't have one and never will. Are you a fan of penguins? Yeah, they're mega cute. Who do you think about most constantly? Why? Anyone who reads these can answer that very, very easily. Have you ever considered yourself to be something other than heterosexual? Yeah; I'm either bi or pan. I think pansexual as of very recently, but for simplicity's sake and also for almost all of my family to not think I'm crazy, I really just say bisexual. Have you ever been in love? With who? Yes; Jason and Sara. Dolphins, whales, sharks, or narwhals? Dolphins or whales. Have you ever gotten anything amputated? No. Have you ever tied your tooth to a door to lose it? No. What do you do on the computer? Oh jeez... I'm pretty much, well, always on the computer, so I do a whole lot. I watch/listen to YouTube, write, clean out my dA notifications and browse artwork, scroll through Facebook, play World of Warcraft, edit the Silent Hill wiki, do way too many surveys, talk to Sara on Discord... Anything your parents should know about? No. Do you have a life? It sure as hell doesn't feel like it. I do nothing noteworthy. Do you have a microphone on your computer? It's built-in, but it doesn't work. Does your mouse light up? Yeah; red normally, blue when it's charging. Then it's also purple sometimes??? I have no idea what it means. Were you ever physically abused? No. Verbally? No. Sexually? No. Do your teachers like you? Not to brag or anything, but all my teachers loved me. Do your parents like you? I know they love me. Do your siblings like you? I don't feel like they do half the time. :/ It's my own fault for not knowing how the fuck to interact with them. Did you have a tail when you were born? At first I saw this question and was confused as shit, but then I remembered this was actually a thing, ha ha. But no, I wasn't. Do you enjoy school? I hated it. Are you shallow? No. Greedy? I don't think so, no. It feels good to share. Do you have a piercing in an inappropriate spot on your body? No. A tattoo? Well, I have a tattoo over my heart, so it's on my breast, if you wanna count that? Are you stubborn? God, am I. Are you incestuous? Fuck no. Do you respect your body? Meh... Yes in some ways, in other ways no. Have you ever been to therapy? Did you like it? I've been in therapy for most of my life, and yes, I find it helpful. Have you ever used Duolingo to learn another language? No. Are you unhappy at the moment? Yes. I usually am. Do you have any gay friends? Yes. Have you ever watched iCarly? Yeah, I used to enjoy it. Who’s your favorite Disney character? Probably Dory. What was the last thing you wrote in a word document? This survey, actually. It's how I format it and save my progress. What did you last take painkillers for? A headache. Are there any hobbies you want to get back into? Drawing. :/ Have you ever been on a date with someone you met online? How was it? Yeah; when Sara and I were together and I went up to visit her, we had a breakfast date once. :') Do you find it difficult to get rid of material possessions? Yeah. I hold a lot of nostalgia in many items. What sort of games do you like to play? Horror and fantasy, mainly. They need a story, too, and I ESPECIALLY enjoy games with multiple endings. Then I also play WoW, which is an MMORPG. Do you know anyone who is deaf? No. Have you ever been married? Nope. What is your favorite thing to dip fries in? Ketchup. Do you still talk to anyone you went to high school with? Just Girt, really. Have you ever had to dispute a charge on your credit card? I've never had my own credit card. Quick! Choose pink or purple. Pink, duh. What's your favorite book genre? Fantasy. Would you say you’re generally fit and healthy? Why/why not? No. :/ I'm trying to change that though by going to the gym. Would you ever want a job working with animals? My main aspiration is to be a wildlife photographer, if that counts? Sara also wants to be a ball python breeder, and we talk all the time about it and how I'd love to be like an assistant and help with my own future snakes. Most recently, I will definitely have to have experience with them as pets first and see if I can handle it, but I've considered breeding tarantulas on the side. The hobby could ALWAYS use more breeders to prevent wild-caught specimens being taken from the wild, and it would help lower their prices. I've gotten so passionate about those furry bastards that I would really enjoy helping out with that. Do you believe in your horoscope? Even if you don’t, do you still read it? Not at all. I don't, because it feels like a waste of time if I don't even believe in it. If a couple is married, do you think there should be any legal punishment if one person cheats? No... I am firmly against cheating, but that sounds extreme. Do you enjoy Tim Burton films? Which one is your favorite? Of course! My favorite is Corpse Bride.

-------

Was the last book you read for fun, or was it for some type of assignment? It was for fun. Do you think you would be a good match for your celebrity crush(es) assuming you have one? Why? If you don’t have one, who was the last person you saw that you found attractive? No, honestly. He really doesn't like seeing people not pursuing their utmost potential, and, uhhhh, look at me, lol. I'm in no way good enough for that god of a human being lmao. How old were you when you had your wisdom teeth removed? I still have them. I only have two, and my mouth has enough room for them. Do you wish you were taller or shorter? My height's fine. Where was the last job application you filled out sent to? Food Lion. Have you ever been fired from a job? No. I quit way too early for that to ever happen. .-. What poster is hanging closest to you? My big Metallica one. Which cuisine do you like the least? I honestly haven't experimented enough with foreign foods to decide on one specific cuisine I really don't like as a whole. Are there any foods you dislike because of the texture? There are A LOT. I am very, very sensitive to textures. Which type of chocolate do you like best? Milk chocolate. Do you let your pets sleep in your bed? Absolutely. Well, obviously not my snake Venus, but Roman? Yes. This is his house, too, and he deserves a comfy space to sleep. If you wear makeup, what are your preferred brands? I don't have one. Have you ever made sun tea? I have no idea what that is. Do you prefer powdered or liquid coffee creamer? I don't like coffee. Did your school have somewhere for girls to get emergency pads/tampons? Yes. Do you think they should make a movie about Hatshepsut? Now here's a question I haven't heard before, ha ha. I actually think that would be quite interesting and certainly empowering to women. Do you like to go to the movies alone? I actually did that for the Warcraft movie, and it was pretty chill. I prefer going with others, though. Have you ever dried down any flowers to keep them? No. What is your favorite thing that you have made by yourself? Probably my Pyramid Head/Halo of the Sun drawing. I worked my ass off on that, and I love how it came out. Do you like using clay and/or peel-off masks for skincare? I don't use those specifically, no. Have you ever made a pillow out of an old T-shirt? No. If you want to be cremated, do you want your ashes scattered anywhere? I haven't really thought of this, but I know I want them to be scattered somewhere. I don't wanna be cremated and have no lineage to cherish the ashes so I just end up thrown away or scattered in someone's backyard or something like that. I guess the desert would be pretty cool, if it was one with meerkats. Would you ever have a deceased pet stuffed? No. I have mixed feelings on taxidermy, but doing that to your pet just... seems wrong somehow. Like I feel that there'd be an unhealthy attachment to a dead body, and it feels like you're not allowing your beloved pet to truly, fully rest. Even if there is nothing beyond death, it's just a respect thing to me. Would you ever have a pet cremated? Teddy was cremated, yes. I WANTED to cremate my first ball python and Chinese water dragon, and both were in the freezer for a long time, but it just... never happened. It's not cheap. Mom also had Cali (her dog) cremated, but didn't keep the ashes herself because of it, once again, being expensive. Personal cremation costs more than a group one. Do you believe in the existence of parallel universes? Nah. How many times a day do you brush your teeth? Once. Collect anything? Any and all meerkat stuff and Silent Hill merchandise. Can you stick your fist in your mouth? ... I'm not about to try that. When was the last time you were high on anything? Never. Ever had a bloody nose? Yes. Have you ever caught a fish? Yes. Ever been up a mountain? Ugh, I wish! What are you listening to right now? I'm watching Gab Smolders play Amnesia: The Dark Descent. Do you have any birthmarks? Yeah; it's on my right forearm, near the elbow. Have you ever been slapped? I've been spanked and slapped on the arm by my mother when I was younger. And sometimes not so young. What do you want pierced? My collarbones, nostril, way more in my ears, and possibly my back dimples if I shrink down to a size where you can actually SEE them clearly... Do you like taking pictures? Of nature and animals. Sometimes people. Do you like getting your picture taken? Hell no. Have you ever started a rumor? No. Do you have your own pool? No. What do you want a tattoo of? You're asking someone who wants to be COVERED in tats, ha ha. I have a billion ideas. Have you ever been skinny dipping? Nah. Have you ever been chased by cops? No. Do you ever wear shirts do show your belly? OH FUCK NO. What about cleavage? I wear tank tops more than anything, so some. What theme does your room have? It doesn't have one. Do you like cows? Awwww, I love cows. :') <3 Which slow animal is your favorite? Sloth, turtle, or snail? Turtles aren't that slow; it's tortoises you're thinking about, so I'll consider them instead. Regardless, I think I find snails the cutest. If you had to create an app, what would it be for? I have zero clue. What is one television finale where you were upset with how it ended? I don't know. Other than mandatory lockdowns, have you had to quarantine at all for CoVid? No. What steps would you take in order to track down a thief? ... Not many, tbh, given JUST how afraid of confrontation I am, ha ha. What is something that one of your family member collects? Dad collects Cleveland Browns and Carolina Hurricanes sports stuff. What are some questions that you would ask your favorite celebrity? I've... never thought of this, believe it or not. I'd be too busy blubbering about how important he is to me and thanking him for everything he's ever done alskdjfkla;wje Have you ever legitimately forgotten to do homework? Yes. That was very, very rare, though. Depending on where you live, why might a day of school get canceled? If there was a 1% chance of half an inch of snow. :^) Everyone flips their shit here when that happens. Also, hurricanes. What types of transportation do you think we will see in the future? Besides possibly flying cars, idk. Which freaks you out more - clowns or porcelain dolls? aklsdjflajdsALSKDFJA;LWJE D O L L S. Porcelain dolls creep me out, man. Do you like salami? Yeah. Do you know your mum's first pet's name? I actually don't, no. Do you like car racing? No. I think it's stupid, honestly. People can get and have gotten seriously hurt, or worse. Who hugs you the most often? My niece and nephew, probably. Has your favorite actor ever been stuck to a project you dreaded watching (e.g., stuck on a bad TV show for years)? No. When you were a child did you wish you were named something else? What sort of fantasy life did you imagine for yourself if you’d only had this other better name? Bro I shit you not, I wanted to change my name to "Dory" because of Finding Nemo, lmao. I never thought about how my life would be different, though. Are you a plant person? How do you feel about the trend of owning many, many houseplants? Nah, plant maintenance isn't for me. I don't care how many plants you own so long as you care for them. It seems pointless to buy plants and just neglect them. What are you sick of hearing about? Anti-vax bullshit. Do you wish that you had more followers on any platform? Do you even pay attention to how many likes/comments/followers you have? The only places I really care about that are my photography Facebook page and deviantART because ffs I TRY to make progress as a photographer lasdkfj;lawe but neither move very fast at all. Are you currently working on an art project? No. :/ I need to draw something for once. If applicable, what color are you planning to dye your hair next? I have three in mind: lilac, pastel pink, or silver. Do you have a sibling who looks like your twin? No. My older and younger sister look remarkably similar, though. People have confused them a lot. Do you think you'd make a good actor or actress? God no, I'd feel far too awkward. Do you believe you have a lot of potential? Ugh, I don't know, dude. Would you like to be rich and own a vacation home? Who wouldn't? Have you ever walked through a labyrinth? No. What eyeshadow color do you think looks best on you? Black. I only wear black. Do you shop in the girls, juniors, or women's section at the store? Women's. Do you play video games? I haven't played a game other than WoW in a long time. :/ I only have a PS2 and Wii, and most of the games I want to play are for newer generation consoles. Is your house more than two stories tall? It's not even two stories. Have you ever had the flu? No. *knocks on wood* Have you ever been unfaithful in a serious relationship? Nope. Would you ever get a lip tattoo? No. I want tons of tats, but that sure isn't one of 'em. Has any place hired you underage for a job? No. Have you ever carried a concealed weapon? No. Does eating breakfast make you sick? No. I'm one of those people that wants to eat right when I wake up. What four states in the USA would you most like to visit? Which four countries would you most like to visit? States: Alaska, Utah, Wyoming, and some southwestern state where I can visit the desert and maybe see wild tarantulas. Countries: South Africa, Germany, Canada, and uhhhh idk. Would it bother you if your boyfriend hugged other females (think hypothetically if you don’t have one)? Why or why not? No? Hugs can just be a friendly gesture. They don't have to have underlying romantic implications. If you had snow-days as a kid, how did you spend them? Do you like the snow, in general? Oh man, snowy days were the epitome of joy when I was a kid. The #1 thing I wanted to do was make a snowman with Dad and my sisters if the snow was the right texture to pack. We loved snowball fights, making snow angels, watching the cats play... and you CAN'T forget making sugary snow cream. Do you know anyone who does hard drugs? Would you ever befriend someone that did? No one that does hard drugs now, no. I honestly don't know how I'd respond to wanting to befriend a hardcore druggie... Like I'm totally aware drug addicts are not innately bad people, but it can be dangerous to associate with them. So idk. Do hospitals make you nervous? Why or why not? Do you have any bad hospital experiences? Yes. I do NOT like being in hospitals. I've never been treated badly in one or anything, but I just have way, way too many ER memories from being suicidal and just stripped of everything that could somehow be interpreted as a "danger." Even books had to be approved. Technology of all kinds, forbidden. All I did was sleep on that godawful bed and wish I was dead. But I'm rambling; point is, I really don't like any health care establishment just because of negative memories. Do you still talk to the first person you ever dated? If not, would you want to? Why or why not? No. We just don't. I wouldn't be opposed to knowing what he's up to. What do you like most about your favorite animal? Their loyalty and bravery are purely astonishing. Do you need a job? Yes. I'm a leech in my house. I serve no financial purpose to assist my mom in paying bills and all of that. I'm a full-grown adult that should be benefiting humanity. Who do you love the most in your life? My mom, cat, and best friend probably top the list. What is your mom doing right now? I hope she's asleep, but she tends to sleep very badly and is frequently tossing and turning around this time. Where does she work? She's on disability. For the type of cancer she had, she automatically got it with her diagnosis. It's recently been a year since her last chemo session, but let me tell you from witnessing it: It takes A LOT out of you. It was actually torturous for her. She's still regaining her strength and healing before she can wisely get another job. Do you have Netflix? Yeah. What was the last thing you quit doing? I don't know. Have you ever read a book that changed your life? No. Who did you last talk to before you went to bed last night? Sara, if through text counts. Have you ever taken Xanax before? Yes; I was prescribed it for quite a while. Have you ever suffered from anxiety or depression? Try both, buddy.

some random klaus / dave / klave smut and affection and angsty hcs (as of: 8/25/20)

klaus *lost his virginity at 14 *his first time was non-consensual *he was very high but also had a level of awareness. when he tells people he doesn’t remember it’s a lie. he does remember. not all of the details but enough - images of a location, the feeling of hands belonging to someone bigger than him, the pain. the crying that left his eyes red and had his siblings rolling their eyes at him the whole next day, avoiding him because of course klaus was high. he never corrected them *started having sex in exchange for money / drugs / shelter mostly on accident. some guy pays you for sucking his dick in the alley behind that one bakery’s dumpster, where the wall is warm, and things just.. escalate quickly  *(it actually started when he was younger than that but he doesn’t want to get himself in trouble and he’s not a snitch so, for those reasons, it’s totally the time above that starts it. and it’s totally an accident) *he really is into a lot of kinky shit. there are things he isn’t into of course but he reaches a point where: if it’s something the person he’s with wants and they’re a client - if they pay enough there’s a good chance he’ll go with it. if they’re a partner - he’ll still go with it. because what he wants or doesnt want doesnt matter, as has been shown to him over and over and over again. people give him the illusion of choice, asking, but klaus knows better *so a lot of his kinks do come from trauma and things from his time on the streets that he won’t talk about but he doesn’t care. and if somebody tries to get him to talk about it because it’s “not healthy” (side eyes ben) he will exit the situation IMMEDIATELY  *his biggest kinks, the ones he genuinely loves and doesn’t need to train himself to get off on, are choking, being told what to do, and getting his hair pulled. also: he has a daddy kink but he never brings it up. if whoever he’s having sex with does then fine - but he wont *a few of the ones he trained himself to enjoy and now actually does (usually) are hitting, degradation, humiliation, being tied up (until his kidnapping), getting pushed around and forced into position (he tells himself its like being told what to do only a little more aggressive. or a lot more aggressive. tomato, to-mah-to) *is very vocal during sex - not always genuinely *very good at talking dirty when he’s in the mood to *l o v e s sucking dick and is v pro at it dave *lost his virginity at 29  *klaus was his first.. everything *he’s been kissed before - once, when he was younger. he didn’t know her name and he’s pretty sure she didn’t know his. she didn’t ask before kissing him. part of him is still a little disappointed that was taken from him but he feels like admitting that would be pathetic  *he doesn’t really know anything about sex - gay sex anyway. living through the homophobic 1950′s and 1960′s doesn’t exactly give a teen or an adult a real way to learn anything. he has a basic idea, and sometimes as a teen his brain would get uhhh creative, but that’s all *listen.. dave katz has a big dick and we all know it *he’s also very sensitive. everywhere. it’s annoying and embarrassing up until klaus gets his hands on him *and he’s not super vocal but he isn’t quiet either - he’s a fun and sexy in between *discovers he really likes sucking dick - not great at it yet but his enthusiasm makes up for that easily *is soft but also a dom-in-training klave *their first time is the same night we see them kiss in saigon *dave tops their first time, and a lot of the time. it isn’t until after they get out of vietnam and to the united states, in that era or 2019, that they try switching *everything about dave makes him seem like a top but klaus finds that putting dave on his stomach really changes that vibe quickly  *the first sex act that klaus introduces dave too their first time is blowjobs. klaus loves having a dick in his mouth and dave’s is *incomprehensible noises* so he asks if he can blow him. dave admits to not knowing what he’s talking about and klaus is suddenly the cheshire cat *dave is the first ‘relationship’ he’s had where the other person actually gave a shit whether or not he came at all, let alone every time. *unlike with all previous partners klaus is very vocal in bed with dave and he’s never had to fake a thing *”dave loves making klaus flustered to the point of begging, but it has the drawback of him getting hard whenever klaus gets whiny, no matter the location” - hc brought to my attention by @anglophile-rin​ and i love its o much *they actually have a fair amount of semi-public sex and not all of it is initiated by klaus *dave doesn’t have any kinks that he’s aware of but he’s more than willing to try out anything that klaus wants to do *they find out together that dave is definitely into Some Things

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

KLAVE SMUT?? HCS?? IDEAS?? (a few snippets from a discussion on the topic between myself and the angel, the yee to my haw, the legendary @cowgaykermit )

“i think for klave, a kink klaus didn't realize he had that is kind of tied into the daddy kink is a praise kink. he loves making dave proud of him. but he's never had someone he wanted to make proud before, not until dave” - sara

“i'm sad about dave's kiss too : ( i was originally going to go with 'dave has never been kissed at all', because he was at least kind of aware of his sexuality and didnt want to risk leading a girl on (cuz he's kind like that), but the 'being kissed without your consent' stuck out to me more. maybe its the angst, maybe it's the personal experience..s. plural. idk but it felt like it made more sense???” - mace

“also would any of his kinks change after the torture? like he's always been into being tied up but now when dave tries it he has a flashback and he swears he doesn't know where five is“ - sara “no yeah if dave tried to tie him up, even if klaus suggested it (either not aware of the extent of his trauma mentally / emotionally or aware but thinking he could handle it) klaus would be right back in that motel room - beaten, covered in burns from lighters and cigarettes alike, cut, going through withdrawal as his dead brother stands in front of him and tries to lecture him - begging to be untied and let go, breaking down in a way he hadnt let himself during the real situation because he really doesnt know where five is. he really doesnt know anything - and dave would immediately untie him and try to bring klaus back from wherever he’s gone mentally that sounds so so terrifying-“ - mace

“and YES!! 100% dave is down to try kinks and things. he doesnt know any but klaus suggests ones he thinks dave might enjoy, and ones klaus himself really gets off on. he offers up more intense ones, more advanced ones, later on - over time - not because he particularly likes them but because he wants dave to have the chance to try everything that sparks an interest in him” - mace

“a supportive dave is the only true dave i think. like... can you imagine?? dave not supporting klaus in something??? unrealistic.” - mace

“like i don't mind fics where dave has some experience but yes klaus being his teacher and being nice and gentle with his teaching unlike when he was "taught"“ - sara

“dave asking klaus if whoever taught him was as kind and nice as klaus was to him and klaus not knowing how to answer that because obvi the answer is a resounding no but having to explain it, including his age and how he doesn't remember his first time fully and all this other stuff and he knows itll make dave sad and he can't have that because then dave is sad . also he wants dave to think nice things about him” - sara

Second Chances part 5: Roman’s Story (2 of 2)

Author’s note: Hello! Welcome to the installment of Second Chances that got so long I had to cut it in half! This is Roman’s story. 

I encourage you guys to read the warnings. If you can’t read this story for whatever reason, don’t feel bad! The rest of the au will still make sense. It’s most important that you guys take care of yourselves.

One thing to remember as you read is that this is Roman’s view of the events that happened. This is how he remembers things, and how he perceived them at the time. As such, there may be some small details that aren’t quite accurate to reality, whether he’s purposefully altered them or not.

Warnings (for part 2): homelessness, insecurity, emotional manipulation/pressure, bad relationships, lying, arguments, breakup, false major accusations (some are not specified, the other is academic dishonesty), gossip, peer pressure, implied homophobia, avoiding your problems, rejection, Remus is talked about but doesn’t actually appear

Word Count: 6172

Second Chances Masterpost!

...

It started almost slowly.

One day, Roman came to school, and felt like everybody was staring at him. To be fair, Roman often felt this way—he was a fashion icon, after all, with talent to boot, why wouldn’t they stare?—but today, that attention didn’t exactly seem positive.

He thought at first that, maybe, he was simply imagining things. That he was paranoid after his breakup. But it soon became clear that he was not in fact imagining the stares, the whispers that would suddenly cut off when he entered a room or looked in their direction.

He tried to figure out what could be going on. Had they found out about his breakup? About him being gay to begin with? Neither of those seemed like likely causes. He couldn’t see why people would suddenly care about the end of someone else’s relationship (one that hadn’t exactly been public knowledge to begin with), and it wasn’t exactly a secret that Roman was gay. He was pretty open about it.

Maybe it had something to do with the play coming up? Although Roman wasn’t sure why that would garner negative attention.

He decided to just wait and see if things went back to normal the next day.

…

Roman tapped his pen against his desk, agitated. People kept casting him looks. Whispers carried up to him from the back of the room. He caught his name a couple of times, and even, he thought, Jay’s.

Jay wasn’t in school that day, Roman noticed. Now that he thought about it, he was pretty sure that he hadn’t seen him the day before, either.

His teacher had already stopped class twice to announce that they needed to pay better attention to the lesson, but most people didn’t seem to care.

Roman didn’t go to his next class. He hid in one of the stairwells. It wasn’t where he usually went to skip class, which wasn’t common to begin with, and it certainly wasn’t the best place to avoid being spotted. Regardless, he was starting to think that he’d made it through the whole class, when, ten minutes before the bell, there were footsteps at the top of the staircase. Roman, sitting at the landing where they switched direction, froze and looked up.

A girl stood there, maybe a year behind him, clutching a hall pass in one hand. She, too, had frozen at the sight of him.

“Um,” she said. “Sorry.” She made to leave, probably to use another stairwell, but Roman stood up.

“Wait,” he cried, sounding desperate. He didn’t know why he said that. He’d never spoken to this girl in his life. He’d seen her a few times, but he didn’t even know her name.

She hesitated, then slowly turned back around.

“Do you….” Roman sighed. “Do you know what’s going on? Why’s everyone been so weird the last couple of days?”

She frowned, looking back at him. She looked at him for a few seconds, then seemed to take pity on him. She clutched her hall pass more tightly, like it was a lifeline, and made her way down to where he stood. She got out her cell phone, and took a few seconds to navigate to something on it before shoving it towards him. It was a group chat. From the look of it, it must have included half the school. That couldn’t be good, especially since Roman wasn’t included.

He distantly noticed that the girl’s contact name was Brittney.

“Is… is it true?” the girl—Brittney—asked hesitantly.

Roman frowned. “I genuinely have no idea what you mean,” he admitted. He scrolled to the beginning of the chat, past all the replies. There, at the top…

…was a message from Jay.

…

Roman stared at the message, which took up the whole screen and then some. His hands were shaking, and he had to put both on the phone to keep from dropping it as he tried to read the solid block of text. The girl who’d lent the phone to him shifted from foot to foot, looking uncomfortable.

Roman swallowed. He felt somehow as if he were being simultaneously baked alive and submerged in icy water. He willed himself to scroll down past the first message, and then he saw the photos.

Fake photos, of course, or photos that had been taken completely out of context. Roman, for the first time, wished that Jay wasn’t so talented at storytelling and photo editing. Most of the photos didn’t directly confirm anything that Jay had said about Roman, but they certainly supported the idea that he wasn’t who he claimed to be.

Brittney cleared her throat, and Roman jumped. He realized he’d been staring at the phone in silence for a long time. The screen had gone dark without him realizing.

“Oh… um, here,” he said, his voice a croak. He handed back the phone.

“Thanks,” she said. She awkwardly pocketed it, then studied him for a second. “I, um… I need to go.” She held up the hall pass as an explanation.

“It’s not true,” Roman said. He was suddenly very aware of what the rest of the school must have thought about him, and he was very aware of the fact that he hadn’t yet tried to change anyone’s mind. “None of that is true. I—I mean, we were dating, and we broke up, but… none of what he’s saying is true. None of it. I swear.”

Brittney took a half step back at his earnest tone, her eyes widening slightly. Roman deflated, taking a couple of steps back too. He didn’t mean to corner this girl in a stairwell.

“Sorry,” he whispered. “Just—just go.”

She started down the stairs again, then glanced back. She chewed her lip for a moment, seeming to debate saying something, then clearly changed her mind. She took the rest of the stairs quickly, and she disappeared from view.

Roman put his back against the brick wall and slid down to the floor.

…

By this time of the story, tears were silently rolling down Roman’s face. He kept his gaze fixed determinedly on the puzzle that he and Patton had put together, still laid out proudly on the coffee table. Logan and Patton were both silent, neither moving. They didn’t seem to know what to do.

Neither did Roman, except to keep talking.

…

Roman didn’t know what to do.

He tried to talk to his friends, but none of them would let him get close. He tried texting them, tried explaining that it was all a lie, that Jay was the one in the wrong, but no one responded. Half of them didn’t even read the messages.

He went home that day feeling utterly crushed.

His parents knew something was wrong, of course, but they probably thought Roman was still merely upset about his breakup, and they didn’t push the subject.

Roman couldn’t tell them what had happened. What Jay had said about him. He could only hope that no one else would tell them. Roman was always on his best behavior, unwilling to let anyone, let alone his parents, think that he might be anything other than the chivalrous Prince he presented himself as.

It was a touchy subject, and for good reason.

Something that most people didn’t know about Roman was that he was not an only child. In fact, he was a twin. But Roman didn’t exactly see his brother very often. He… wasn’t like Roman. Or, he was, but he was like Roman’s reflection if he stood in front of the world’s most disturbing fun house mirror. He'd sent Roman to the doctor more than once when they were "playing" as kids. He had been in and out of juvie since they were twelve. It seemed only a matter of time before he ended up in jail, especially since their eighteenth birthday was coming up in only a few months. Roman knew his brother would never change.

The last thing Roman wanted was for his parents to think he was following in his brother’s footsteps. And he knew, he just knew, that if they found out about what had happened and what Jay had said about him, they would probably believe it. Roman and his brother—who no one in his family talked about unless they absolutely had to—were identical. It would have been easier had they been fraternal twins, but they were not. Roman knew that somewhere inside of him, there had always been the potential for him to be just like his brother. And his parents surely knew it too.

…

On Wednesday, Jay was back in school. He was constantly surrounded by a crowd. He suddenly had more friends than he ever had before. And Roman was alone for the first time in his life.

He was so, so alone.

He tried going to theater practice that night. He didn’t know why he thought it would be any different, but he hoped so. Maybe he thought that the other students would care too much about the upcoming performances to treat him any differently. But it wasn’t so.

He kept getting dirty looks from Jay’s crowd, and practically everyone avoided him. If anything, Roman realized, it was worse being among the theater students than among the school as a whole. It seemed to Roman that in the school at large, about half knew of Jay’s messages in the massive group chat, but almost every single person in the theater department did.

…

“I didn’t,” Logan interrupted, very softly.

…

By the time they actually got to running through some of the scenes, Roman was feeling very bitterly, jittery, and not-very-glittery. He kept forgetting his lines, and each time he messed up, the other actor he was working with would roll their eyes. The usual good-hearted laughter and encouragement of the rest of the group was gone.

After a while, Logan, of course, came up to him. Just what Roman needed.

“What do you want, Book Germ?”

Logan sighed and started explaining Roman’s lines in that overly level voice of his. Roman didn’t know or care if it was intentional, but his tone felt very patronizing, and the strong smell of hand sanitizer that followed Logan like a cloud wasn’t helping Roman’s mood. He could feel his face growing red the longer Logan spoke. He knew his lines! He’d been practicing them for months!

“If you think you can do it better, maybe you should, you obnoxious nerd,” Roman snapped.

Logan cocked his head to one side, pinching his lips together. “That is the purpose of an understudy, not a dramaturge. I am not an actor.”

“Then stop telling me how to act!”

“I am merely attempting to explain your lines to you, since it is clear you are incapable of memorizing them unaided. The opening show is in less than—”

“I know when the show is!”

Logan licked his lips. He adjusted his tie, which was so straight that Roman wondered if he ironed it between classes. “Then I suggest you act like it,” he said.

“What do you want from me?” Roman asked, glaring at him. “Do you want me to quit? Heck, maybe we should let the understudy do it! Is that what you want?”

A few students around the room, who had naturally congregated to watch the argument, were nodding. Several whispered to each other. If it were even possible, Roman’s face turned redder.

“Excuse me,” a voice said before Logan could come up with a response. It was one of the faculty members of the theater department, the director of the play they were meant to be practicing. His arms were crossed. “Would it be alright with the two of you if we continued the rehearsal? I’d hate to interrupt your argument.”

Logan hesitated for a second, as if he wasn’t sure whether or not the teacher was being sarcastic. Roman rolled his eyes.

“Don’t stop on my account,” Roman said coldly, looking around at everyone, not just the teacher or Logan. He started off the stage, already removing pieces of his costume. A hat was cast to the wooden floor, then each glove. He made it back to the dressing room before his composure broke, and the tears started to fall. No one came to retrieve him.

It wasn’t unlike Roman to make a dramatic exit. He had a few times before, during arguments with his nemesis. But this one felt much more final.

…

Roman said nothing to his parents about what had happened. Not about how Jay had treated him, not about the lies his ex had told, not about the play. It was partially out of fear of Roman’s parents believing Jay’s lies, and partially out of sheer embarrassment about them knowing of the situation. He felt like he had failed. So, he pretended, to them, that everything was fine. He knew that they probably could have helped, that they could have talked to his teachers and gotten everything straightened out, but Roman decided that it would be better to try to deal with it himself, or if worse came to worst, to simply ride it out until graduation. He could deal with his newly found status as an outcast until he left for school. He still had another month of high school and the entire summer until that finally happened, but it seemed preferable to Roman to wait it out than to have to ask for help. He didn’t want to be known as the person who had to run to his parents because some kids at school were being mean. A Prince should fight his own battles, Roman told himself. 

(He would grow to regret this decision later, unfortunately; but at the time, it seemed reasonable.)

His parents, of course, weren’t completely clueless; but Roman did his best to keep them in the dark. If they asked why he wasn’t eating as much lately, he claimed that it was nervous excitement about the play, about going to Saint Gabriel, about anything other than the real cause. If they asked why he didn’t hang out with friends from school much anymore, he claimed that it was because he was busy studying and practicing for the play.

Of course, Roman had dropped out of the play. It was clear that no one wanted him there, so he stopped showing up to practices. The only one who had contacted him about it was one of the theater department faculty members, who simply asked if he was planning to return or if they should plan to put the understudy on stage that weekend. He didn’t sound surprised when Roman refused. While he was perfectly polite during the exchange, Roman got the feeling that some of the other students had talked to the teacher and told him some details of Roman’s supposed… negative character traits.

…

“Wait,” Logan interrupted, sounding confused.

Roman glanced up at him, lifting his gaze from the puzzle on the coffee table for the first time in a while.

“Pardon me if this seems inconsiderate to ask—”

“Logan,” Patton said softly, as if this were something he’d had to tell his boyfriend several times in the past, “if you have to say something like that, that’s usually a clue that you shouldn’t say whatever you were going to say next.”

“No, it’s fine,” Roman sighed, glancing at Patton in appreciation. He blinked a few times and sat up straighter. “Go for it.”

Logan coughed, glancing at Patton with a slightly more self-conscious expression. “I was going to ask what any of this had to do with you becoming homeless,” he said. “Based on your story so far, it seems to me that this situation was all simple high school drama that should have passed as soon as we graduated. If you had actually gone to your parents or the school for aid, many of these issues could have been mitigated; but regardless, they should not have followed you for so long. I do not intend to belittle the pain you felt; but I simply do not understand how it could possibly have led to your later predicament.”

Roman swallowed. He could feel some resentment at Logan’s seeming dismissal of his problems starting to bubble up, and he did his best to push it back down. Logan probably didn’t mean to be rude. And Roman really was in no place to be upset with the man. He reminded himself that Logan had been pretty much a loner for as long as Roman had known him. He’d never known what it was like to be popular, let alone what it felt like to have that ripped away from him. And he figured he couldn’t relate to being with someone like Jay, either, or to how upset Roman had been at losing him. Logan was with Patton. The embodiment of sunshine. As far as Roman knew, Logan had never been with anyone else.

“Sorry, Ro,” Patton put in. “He’s just trying to understand is all.”

“No—I know,” Roman assured him. “I’m not mad.”

Patton released a breath, seeming relieved.

Logan glanced between them. “I’ve been told I sometimes lack tact,” he said slowly.

Roman just rubbed at his eyes. “You’re good, I guess,” he said. “This stuff is important, though, I swear.”

“Wouldn’t it be easier to give us a condensed version?” Patton asked gently. His tone made it clear that he wasn’t asking for Roman to do so because he was bored or anything. He was asking simply out of consideration for Roman.

Roman shrugged helplessly. He… well, he sort of felt like he couldn’t do that. He hadn’t actually told anyone all of this before. He was still leaving out quite a few details, but he felt like he needed to tell as much of it as he could.

It was freeing, in a weird, simultaneously mortifying sort of way.

Patton looked like he wanted to say something else, but Roman cleared his throat, and they both let him continue his story.

…

The play’s performance came and went. Roman did not show up. They didn’t want him there, he knew. While a part of him wanted to show up to spite everyone, to prove that they—and especially Jay—hadn’t gotten to him, he also just wanted to curl up in bed with some cinnamon hot chocolate and his laptop and watch old episodes of Glee.

(He couldn’t do that, either, though, since his parents thought he was performing; and he couldn’t very well have them find him in his room during the show without having to answer some awkward questions).

His parents would usually have attended the show, but Roman told them that the tickets had sold out. They had wanted to call the school and complain about it, but Roman convinced them not to. He was glad that that worked. That would have been an awkward phone call, and very hard to explain.

After Roman missed the play’s performance, things only got worse at school. The other students of the drama department, of course, only avoided him more. Roman saw Logan on Monday morning by his locker, and the dramaturge had looked him over once before scoffing and turning away. No doubt he was angry that Roman hadn’t shown, even if he probably thought the production had been better off without him. Maybe he was just annoyed that all the time he’d put into berating Roman’s performance had gone to waste.

Whatever the case, it didn’t matter. Logan hating him was nothing new. It didn’t sting the way losing his friends stung, or ache the way not getting to be in his last high school play made him ache. Not at all.

Honestly, Roman’s biggest regret about dropping out of the play was the sheer amount of satisfaction he was sure that Jay got out of it.

He got what he wanted, Roman thought. He had ruined his social life, taken away his friends, spoiled everyone’s impression of him, and pressured him into giving up the starring role in the last play of his high school career. Maybe, Roman hoped, Jay was satisfied.

…

The end of the school year was coming up fast.

Roman was getting ready for college, finishing final papers, studying for exams, and generally preparing to no longer be a high school student. He was quite eager to leave this building and never set foot inside again.

Classes had just finished for the day, and Roman was on his way to talk to his chemistry teacher about one of his assignments. The science department was on the opposite end of the school from his last class, so he had to walk past many of the other classrooms on the way.

One of those classrooms happened to be his English classroom. Roman heard voices coming from inside. He ignored them at first—it wasn’t exactly uncommon to hear voices in a classroom, obviously—but when he recognized who was talking to the teacher, he froze in his tracks.

It was Jay.

Roman slowly stepped back a few paces until he was in front of the doorway. Inside, Jay stood in front of the teacher’s desk, his head bowed as if embarrassed. The teacher, Ms. Dawerst, looked absolutely furious.

Roman had a bad feeling. Jay was toying with a ring around his right middle finger, something he did when he was lying. Roman inched closer, trying to hear what exactly was being said.

“I meant to tell you sooner, Ms. Dawerst, but… I guess I was just nervous. Roman is… well, you know Roman. He’s—”

“He’s what?” Roman demanded suddenly, announcing his presence. Suddenly, he’d had enough. “Standing right here? Tired of you lying to everyone because you can’t take—”

“Mr. Prince,” the teacher said, a warning in her voice.

“He’s lying,” Roman insisted.

“And how exactly would you know that if you don’t even know what he’s saying?” She arched an eyebrow, folding her arms carefully as if she’d caught him in her spider web.

“Because—because that’s all he’s been doing! He’s been trying to sabotage me for months!”

“Why would he do that?” she asked, seeming exasperated.

“Because I broke up with him!” Roman snapped, seething. “Because he can’t take that he’s alone and I don’t want anything to do with him anymore!”

“Mr. Prince, I couldn’t care less about your lovers’ squabble,” she said. “This is a matter of academic dishonesty.”

Roman paused. Academic dishonesty? What did that even mean? He glanced at Jay, who looked like he was trying to become one with the wall, refusing to even look at his former boyfriend out of fear. All an act, obviously, but Roman had to admit that it was a convincing one. It certainly didn’t help that their English teacher had never been fond of Roman, and had especially disliked him since he’d started missing her classes more often.

“Jared here—”

“Jay,” Jay corrected in a whisper.

“Jay here has claimed that, while you were dating,”—she said the word as if it left a sour taste in her mouth, which only made Roman angrier—“you forced him to write large portions of your essays for this class, and he claims to find it very likely that you plagiarized other sections as well. Do you deny this?”

“I—what?!” Roman’s voice was shrill. “Of course I deny it! I didn’t make him write anything! And I wouldn’t plagiarize!”

“That is no way to speak to your teacher,” Ms. Dawerst said. “Can you prove that you didn’t cheat?”

“What? Of course—” Roman broke off. How exactly could he prove that he hadn’t cheated? It was just Jay’s word against his own. “I swear to you, I would never cheat. Not on an essay or anything else. I promise you, there is no evidence that I cheated. You won’t find any. Because it doesn’t exist! I did not cheat!”

The teacher looked at him for a long moment, then sighed. “Very well, Roman. I will be looking over both your and Jay’s papers for the term again, and I will be looking closely for signs of plagiarism. If I find evidence that either of you cheated, you will be receiving a failing grade in this class. If I don’t, then the three of us can forget that this conversation ever happened.”

Roman nodded, supposing that this was the best he could hope for. “Thank you, Ms. Dawerst,” he said quietly. He left the room and stood in the hall, staring up at the ceiling. Jay slunk out a few seconds later. Roman looked at him hard. Jay had just tried to make him fail his English class! Roman couldn’t believe it. He could only be glad that Jay had apparently failed.

Except… Jay sure didn’t seem all that disappointed. He grinned at Roman as he sauntered past. Roman suddenly felt his blood run cold. A horrible feeling of dread fell over him.

“What did you do?” he asked softly.

“Me? Nothing,” Jay promised lightly. And he left.

…

Roman failed English.

Not one but two of his papers contained lines that appeared to be directly lifted from other academic papers. They were lines that Roman didn’t remember writing. He couldn’t think of any explanation for them being there, not unless Jay had put his plan into action well before they had broken up and sneaked in the lines during one of their study sessions. One of the papers had been turned in just after Roman first applied to Saint Gabriel. Had Jay really been planning for that long to destroy Roman’s life? Was it some sort of twisted backup plan, to try to keep Roman from leaving their hometown?

The school asked to speak to Roman’s parents about his apparent plagiarism, of course, and it wasn’t as if he could keep them from finding out about this. Roman wasn’t asked to attend the meeting, so he got to spend the evening pacing up and down the length of his house, too stressed to sit down.

The fallout did have one bright side: he still got to graduate. The high school wouldn’t expel him, which had been a very real fear of Roman’s, or force him to stay another semester to repeat the class, since he had technically fulfilled his graduation requirements even without the class. Roman could only be grateful to his mamá, who had found a section of the course catalog that stated that the screenwriting class he took junior year could be used as English credit.

Somehow, his parents even convinced the school to keep the incident off of his academic record, since it was the first time he’d ever been “caught” doing anything of the sort. He was a good kid who’d just been stressed in his last semester, they claimed. He didn’t have a history of disciplinary issues. Roman had never been suspended before, and he’d only received a handful of detentions in the four years he’d attended.

From what Roman gathered, Jay’s name had never come up in the meeting. Apparently, Ms. Dawerst had made it sound like she, the dutiful and ever-observant English teacher, had noticed some inconsistencies in Roman’s writing, and had taken it upon herself to recheck Roman’s papers, ultimately finding the plagiarized lines. Roman wasn’t sure whether to be grateful for or resentful of this. On one hand, he didn’t have to address the whole Jay situation with his parents. On the other hand, because he still didn’t want to admit to them what had happened, he didn’t have much evidence to work with as far as making them believe he hadn’t committed plagiarism went.

Because, of course, his parents hadn’t believed that Roman didn’t put those lines in his paper. And when they asked where else they could have come from, Roman didn’t have a good answer.

“I am very disappointed in you, mijo,” his mamá said that first night, when they got home from the meeting.  She looked very sad.

Roman, who had finally stopped his pacing when he heard his parents’ car pull up to the house, stood on the opposite side of the kitchen table and stared morosely down at the floor. “I didn’t cheat,” he said softly, feeling as if he’d already said the words so many times that they had lost all meaning.

“We want to believe you, Roman,” his dad sighed. “But you can’t expect us to believe that the lines showed up in your papers all by themselves.”

“I’m not saying they did,” Roman said, “but it wasn’t me, I swear—”

“Roman, I do not like liars,” his mamá said, sounding very tired. “Please, do not lie to me.”

“Te lo juro, mamá,” Roman practically sobbed. “¡Te lo juro, I didn’t cheat!”

His mamá set down her purse and came nearer. “Roman… you know if you were having trouble in school, you could have come to us, no? We could have gotten you a tutor. You didn’t have to do this.”

They didn’t believe him. Of course, they didn’t believe him. Why would they? Even Roman had to admit that his defense was pretty pathetic. And besides, even if Roman had always tried his best to be a good son, a good person, his twin brother was… very much not. Maybe, to his parents, this whole thing only confirmed what they had suspected all along.

Standing there in the kitchen in the lengthening silence, Roman considered telling his parents about Jay. He really did consider it, as much as he very much didn’t want to open that can of worms. But… he didn’t feel ready to go into all that. And the last thing he wanted was to potentially give his parents more reason to think he was an awful son. What if they believed Jay’s version of events?

He couldn’t do it.

His mamá stared at him, disappointed. His dad looked away, his jaw set, his posture stiff.

Roman turned and fled upstairs.

...

Two days after graduation, Roman got a letter in the mail.

He stood outside in front of the mailbox, looking down at the logo on the envelope. It was the very familiar symbol of the Saint Gabriel Academy of Fine Arts.

Every time Roman remembered that he was going to that school in the fall, he felt a bit better about everything that had happened. Sure, he had lost his boyfriend, his friends, his starring role in the high school theater department, the trust of his parents and teachers, any joy that might have come from graduating high school, and even his new car (his parents had taken that away with lightning speed); but at least he still had Saint Gabriel. He still had a promising future.

As Roman grabbed the stack of letters and turned to head back to the house, he wondered what this letter could be about. Saint Gabriel had sent a few in the past. Maybe it was another pamphlet about their most promising courses, or a map of the campus, or an invitation to visit. Roman would have appreciated becoming more familiar with the college he was set to attend. Or maybe it was simply a congratulations on his high school graduation.

Roman opened the door to the house and stepped inside, closing the door behind him. He set most of the mail on the kitchen table where his mamá would find it, then took the cream-colored envelope for himself. He tore it open with gusto and a lack of precision that would have given his former theater department nemesis an aneurysm, and he took out the letter within.

“Mr. Roman Prince,

We are regretful to inform you that upon further reconsideration of your application and of all relevant documents, we have decided to retract our previous offer of admission. Any tuition that has already been paid will be promptly returned to—"

The letter fell from Roman’s hands.

…

Roman barely left his room for a week after he got the news. He didn’t know what to do.

He knew that Jay was behind his preemptive expulsion from Saint Gabriel, whether it was because of the plagiarism, or because of the other lies that he had already told, or because of some other thing that he had done and Roman didn’t even know about yet. Roman wasn’t sure exactly what had moved the college’s hand. But he knew that the decision was final. He would never convince Saint Gabriel to take him now.

He should tell his parents. They’d find out eventually, he knew. Roman was trying to figure out how to break it to them, but it was hard when he really didn’t want to tell them at all. He wanted to live in denial for as long as possible. He wanted his family to be proud of him again. He didn’t want to see the disappointment in their eyes as he told them that his picture perfect future was truly ruined.

Roman shoved his face into his pillow and screamed.

Soon after, there was a quiet knock at his bedroom door. Roman pushed himself up on his elbows and looked over his shoulder.

“Roman?” a familiar voice called. His mamá, of course. “Do you want some hot chocolate?”

Roman sniffed, looking back down at his pillow. “Not today, Mamá,” he called back.

“With cinnamon,” she tempted.

“No.”

“Okay,” she sighed, sounding disappointed. “Let me know if you change your mind. Te quiero.”

Her footsteps retreated back down the hall.

…

Roman could admit that he did not always make the best life choices. He didn’t always think them through as much as he should have. He’d made a lot of mistakes. But there was one life choice that must have been the worst he’d ever made.

That choice was the decision to pretend to go off to college.

Roman’s bags were all packed, money tucked into his wallet to purchase textbooks that Roman would never need. With his car still confiscated, Roman’s dad was driving him to a bus station. From there, he could catch a bus and go the rest of the way to Saint Gabriel. Of course, Roman planned to get off the bus a bit early.

Before he left, Roman gave his mamá a long, tight hug. She hugged him back just as firmly.

“I’ll miss you, little prince,” she said, tears in her eyes. “Have a good time at school. Te quiero muchísimo.”

“Te quiero,” Roman murmured back. He didn’t know what he was going to do after today. Where his life was going to go. But he was hopeful. He’d get an apartment, a job, maybe find a school that would accept him… he’d be away from Jay and from all his problems. And when was ready, he’d return, and he’d make his parents proud.

He’d get a fresh start. A second chance at the amazing life he wanted.

At the bus station, once Roman had his ticket and knew where to go, Roman and his dad said their goodbyes. Their hug didn’t last as long as the one between Roman and his mamá, nor was it as tight, but it was warm all the same.

“Make sure you keep your head on straight,” his dad said seriously as they broke apart. “No funny business. I know you can do well, Roman. I believe in you.”

“Thanks,” Roman said quietly. The word tasted like sawdust.

“Good luck.”

“Bye,” Roman said. He watched until his dad disappeared. Then he grabbed the handle of his rolling suitcase and made his way to the bus.

…

“As you can probably guess,” the present-day Roman sighed, “my amazing ‘fresh start’ didn’t turn out so great. I got my apartment, all right, but I ran out of money after a couple of months… didn’t manage to get a job before I was kicked out. Made some more bad choices. And, well… here we are. That’s it, I guess. That’s… why I was homeless.”

There was a long silence. Finally, Patton sat up straight.

“Roman, I’m going to ask you a question, and I need you to be honest with me.”

“Um… okay?”

“Do your parents know where you are?”

Of course he would ask about that. Roman should have known.

“Roman?”

“…No,” Roman admitted. “No. I haven’t talked to them since I left.”

“Can we call them? Do you know their phone number?”

Roman shook his head.

“Well, that’s okay. We can find them online, or in the phone book…. Would that be alright with you?”

Roman stared. He hadn’t spoken to his family in years. Would they even want to hear from him? Wouldn’t they be angry that he had left without saying anything, that he had lied about going to college? What if they told him he should have stayed away?

But they were his family. And Roman had to admit that he missed them.

“Yeah,” Roman blurted, before he could change his mind. “Yeah. That would be alright.”

ps i loved this one

(rereading bookmarks edition part 2)

(part 1)

i’ve been rereading stories from my bookmarks as a comfort thing. i’m getting real deep in there to stuff i haven’t (re)read for years, and damn do i have good taste. the ones i’ve read recently that you should, too:

(under the cut so i’m not that asshole that makes you scroll past an endless post)

Best Laid Plans by Persephoneshadow

Things are going well for Dean: he's landed the biggest design job of his architectural career and is about to get final approval on the project despite how difficult the development company, personified by Castiel Novak, has made it. It's not bad for a moody omega...except things are also going terribly for Dean because he has to get in a plane and fly to a meeting, and course ends up in heat a few hours before. Luckily, Castiel is there to help and both men discover the good that can come when nothing goes quite as intended.

i don’t know why i’m such a ho for stories where dean thinks cas hates him, but cas secretly adores him and is just a little “rusty” on his “people skills.” i’m also a ho for stories where dean is a gd skilled genius but his dumb ass still thinks his work sucks and/or anything good is due to other people instead of himself. and also, heat boning. 

Confessions of a Cam Boy by MsCaptainWinchester (rons_pigwidgeon)

Dean runs a cam show to pay his way through marketing school, but he's about to start an internship that he doesn't know will change his life. Watching Dean's show is Castiel's favorite way to wind down after a stressful day at Sandover Bridge & Iron. When Cas comes to work one day and finds his favorite cam boy setting coffee on his desk, he is completely thrown. Will Dean finish his internship without knowing his favorite viewer is his new boss, or will he be able to see through Cas' non-existent poker face and figure it out?

omg poor cas is soooo awkward and dean is weirded out about how much his new boss seems to dislike him and then it’s super sexy >:) 

For Science by shiphitsthefan

“Think of it like an experiment," says Dean. "You’re testing a hypothesis as to whether or not a desirable response can be achieved through the stimulation of the anus via the application of a willing volunteer’s muscular hydrostat.”

Cas raises an eyebrow. “Are you actually trying to use the scientific method to talk me into letting you lick my asshole?”

everyone is such adorable nerds in this one. it’s a fic about rimming, but it’s also about love and discovering yourself and acceptance. it explores cas’s realization through his connection with dean that he’s not straight up ace but more grey/demi - and that doesn’t mean he was “faking” being ace up until he met dean. 

Friends with Benefits with Tentacles by andimeantittosting (Saylee)

Dean's never been embarrassed about his porn collection before, but that was before he found Cas holding his prized copy of Sweet Princess Asuka and the Tentacles of Pleasure. Dean finds himself sweating bullets—because this is Cas, sweet, nerdy Cas. Cas, his friend. Cas, his roommate. Cas, his—only slightly out-of-control—crush.

Cas, with his big, blue eyes and muscular arms and perpetual sex hair.

Cas, with his tentacles.

The last thing he expects is for Cas to suggest they experiment together.

there are not enough tentacle fics out there and i 100000% approve of this addition to the tag. i love that dean is out there legitimately studying porn, and the tentacles are obviously super fun, and there were parts where my heart hurt so bad, all around a damn fine fic. 

Grown-Ups Making Grown-Up Choices by Carrieosity

Dean is a grown-ass man - he can take perfectly good care of himself, thank you very much. Except that sometimes the easier or more fun choices aren't always the right or best ones, and, all right, maybe thinking ahead and working the long game isn't his strongest suit. It's fine! He's fine.

When he meets Castiel, he realizes that flying by the seat of his pants may not be the best way to attract the super-serious (gorgeous, funny, genius) Alpha. Dean's shrink has been telling him he needs to start making "grown-up choices," and if that's what he has to think about in order to make Cas fall for him, then he'll give it a whirl.

i LOVE this fic (series). i feel so hard for dean feeling like he’s too old for his life to still be a mess, but i also felt sad for him that he thought he had to make all these hardcore changes - basically turn himself into a different person - to be worthy of cas’s attentions. i fucking adore cas in this, and i nearly cried just thinking about all the damn peppers they eat, and i want to read it again right now. 

If I Run by Anonymous

"Dean Winchester is a red-blooded American male. He lifts all the things. He aims for functional strength. He counts his macros and makes fun of curlbros. He is not a member of the Tarahumara tribe and he will not read Born to Run, no matter how many times Sam tells him to, because Starting Strength is the only book Dean will ever fucking need."

***

Wherein a friendly competition with the mysterious ThursdaysAngel turns into a sexy selfie-trading spree that motivates Dean Winchester to train for his first marathon.

i really really love this fic and reread it pretty often tbh. it only became “anonymous” pretty recently and i’m so curious about why!! regardless, this fic is a really great time!!! 

It's Always More Than Once (Before It Takes) by squeemonster

The first time it happens, it's because of boredom. Or, at least that's what Dean tells himself to justify it. Boredom and Dean Winchester are a dangerous combination, especially when you factor in beer, a raging libido, and laziness.

dean: my dudes, is it gay to do sexy stuff with your male bff? cuz i’m totally straight. but also, having sex with my male bff. 

I Wanna Get Outside (Of Me) by emwebb17

Dean is a novice in the dom/sub world asked by his employer as a desperate last resort to be a sub for his recluse of a brother, Castiel. Castiel is a diagnosed OCD suffering from PTSD and agoraphobia, mysophobia, and dystychiphobia. Needless to say—he’s a mess who hasn’t stepped out of his home in literally seven years. The only times Gabriel can see traces of the way his brother used to be is when he feels in control—specifically when he has control over a sub. However, due to his idiosyncrasies and paranoia, keeping a sub around has been impossible. Enter Dean, who’s not a very traditional submissive, to try his hand at subbing for the hermit.

you know how sometimes you read a fic, and it takes ages to get yourself out of that world? even though you’re finished, you’re still right there with him? this is one of those fics. i reread it a couple weeks ago and fell asleep thinking about it last night. i cry a lot reading this one. 

Living in Agony by ChasingRabbits

Dean Winchester's life is... well, it's not great. He's a gym teacher, he's in his thirties, and he can't seem to keep any part of his life straight. When the aftermath of a one-night stand goes awry, Dean is dragged kicking and screaming out of his cozy little closet and into the harsh light of reality.

Enter: Castiel Novak, the new history teacher, who knows full well that life gets crappy when you don't allow yourself to live it in the way it needs to be lived.

there aren’t a lot of stories that deal with themes of mental illness, and a lot of them read like an episode of degrassi where everything wraps up in 30min to never be discussed again. this story is honest in that there’s no easy out. there’s medication and therapy and supportive people, but that’s not always enough. it’s a story about how you don’t have to be mentally ill to be fucked up, and while people can’t fix each other, they can help each other. content note: references to a pre-story suicide attempt. 

Oddly Shaped Empty by jemariel

Dean grew up thinking -- knowing -- he'd be an alpha.

Until he failed to present. As a beta, he has no mating cycle, no noticeable pheromones, none of the physical markers that are so important in a world of alphas and omegas. He's out of place. How is he supposed to navigate his relationships and find love when he doesn't fit into the neatly-defined boxes he's used to?

By the time he meets his new roommate, Castiel, he's more or less given up on finding a mate. He wears his secondary gender like a chip on his shoulder. But you never know what the future holds, who will come into your life, and how they might change it forever.....

Queer themes, finding identity, reconciling the past, and a whole lot of smut.

y’all know @jemariel is a gd genius, but i’m particularly obsessed with their fics that use abo to explore queer identify & experiences. i hold my breath reading most of this fic and also cry. 

Steal my Breath by Sincestiel

“Tighter, Dean, please,” Cas urges throwing his head back to rest on Dean’s shoulder. Dean squeezes. He doesn’t know why Cas wants this or even what the appeal is, but he always comes harder when he’s struggling to breathe.

what’s on the tin. a quick lil breathplay fic that is thoroughly enjoyable. 

Unsolicited by Dangerousnotbroken

In which Dean Winchester gets an unsolicited dick pic from an unknown sender which is both totally not disappointing in that it's a really nice dick pic, and incredibly disappointing in that it's clearly a downloaded picture of his favorite porn star.

There's absolutely no way it's actually this porn star sending it to him, right?

Right?

this is a destiel classic and i feel like anyone who isn’t new here has probably read it. but here’s your reminder that this is a great fic and you should (re)read it. 

Wordplay by Dangerousnotbroken @dangerousnotbroken​

“I don’t understand why talking dirty is such a big deal for you humans,” Cas complains, apropos of nothing.

it’s a “cas learning about sex” and also dirty talk, which are both things i’m really into!! and DNB is a genius so that’s even better. 

if you enjoy these fics (and you should), please give the writer some love via kudos and/or comments. <3

ps - as always, if i didn’t tag the writer and you know their tumblr, please tag in the comments. i don’t think there’s a writer alive who wouldn’t be happy to be on a rec list. :)

woke up today with opinions on cops

so here’s your warning i guess!

ACAB will be mentioned, obvi. uh. also vaguely the things cops have done. should i tag that? i’ll tag it, i guess.

fun fact! as we all know, some cops are pretty shitty. but, perhaps not that unpopular or controversial of an opinion, i have to say one thing;

all cops are shitty! every single one of them!

why? what is the reason for this not very controversial opinion if you have a lick of sense to have?

the answer is this:

every single cop? they have a choice to make.

they either support their fellows, stand beside their employees, employers, and co-workers,

OR

they protect and serve the civilians.

only one of these things is what they were hired for! and it sure as hell ain’t the frist one!

it is not optional. you do not get to pick and choose who you serve; black, white, gay, straight- you don’t get to pick and choose who deserves to be protected. you don’t get to decide, as judge, jury, and executioner, whether or not these people, who you were employed to protect, deserve it.

there is no in between for supporting their fellows or protecting the peace. there just isn’t. it is their actual, literal job to protect the peace, and by god, are they shit at it!

these cops, our cops (however unfortunate we may be to have them, they are ours), sit there and look at these people who are protesting- protesting the unlawful murders of their fellows, protesting the bias and agenda these cops and their employers have, protesting against their very rights being taken away just because of something so inconsequential on a whole as their skin color or sexuality- they look at these people, and they cry,

why are they so mean? what did we do to deserve this? this is so unfair! not all cops!-

but there’s the kicker. not all cops, sure. not all cops go out of their way to arrest people of color. not all cops ridicule the people who looked to them for protection. not all cops ignore the summons of aid from the civilians they were sworn in to protect.

but that doesn’t change the fact that there are cops like that.

if you say, “not all cops,” then you’re just as bad as those cops who do those things. cops who rape, and abuse, and heckle, and kill innocent people. inaction is complicity in these cases.

saying not all cops doesn’t solve the problem. not at all.

they see these protestors, these cops, and they say, these people are unreasonable! unreasonable, for wanting basic human rights! unreasonable, for demanding to not be killed, or beat, or raped! unreasonable, they must be!

and, if you can believe it, there are people out there who actually support that line of thought.

these people, they go on and on about how nice some cops are. how kind, how funny. how cops have friends and family, too, so surely they can’t be as bad as you all say!

and, quite frankly, that doesn’t matter.

i don’t care about how nice they are.

i don’t care about how they have families, or friends, or lovers, or pets.

i don’t care about whether or not they like the beach because of sentimental reasons, or whether or not they play guitar.

i don’t care about their private life. their civilian life. i don’t care what or who they are when they take their blue off.

this movement? it has nothing to do with police officers on a one-by-one basis. it doesn’t care about who they are as individuals. we are looking at a whole, and that whole is an unsavory picture.

i care about the fact that these people, these trained civilians in blue with which we entrust are safety to on a daily basis, stand by and watch as other cops rape, or kill, or beat the people they should be protecting.

no matter which cop you are, no matter how blue the uniform, the red of blood is stark against your hands, and by god are you dripping with it.

you can bitch and whine about how kind and charming and hardworking these men and women in blue are ‘til the cows come home, but it doesn’t change shit. it won’t change that they don’t do anything against their employees, or employers, or coworkers.

it doesn’t change the fact that those few who ARE trying to do something about it are threatened with being fired, or being harassed by fellow police officers.

cops don’t have a defense for what they do.

i was scared!, they cry. it was self defense! it was the only option in the moment! how do you think you would have reacted?

the answer, of course, is that it doesn’t matter how i would’ve reacted. i am not trained to be calm in stressful situations. i am not trained on how to weild a gun and shoot rubber bullets to the ground. i am not trained on how to handle unwilling or hysterical people.

but you, my friend the pig, are.

you are trained specifically to be calm in stressful situations.

if you cant handle a hysterical person? you cannot be a cop.

if you cant handle the thought that someone might have a gun? you cannot be a cop.

if you have anger issues that tends towards violence? you cannot be a cop.

if you cant handle finding evidence without having to fake it? you cannot be a cop.

if you cant handle people being aggressive? you cannot be a cop.

if you can’t do these things, these things that you are trained to do, then you are not a cop. you’re a citizen with a gun and a pass to murder whoever as long as you have a vaguely believable excuse.

anyways, TLDR; all cops are bastards. all cops are compliant. all cops are pigs. and silence is compliance, when it comes to them.

The moral of Ao no Flag chapter 44 is that Shingo is definitely the kind of person to be like ‘I vote third party because both political parties seem equally bad to me’.

Anyway, oh boy do I have some Thoughts on this chapter, which will be under the cut.

This is definitely gonna be a really polarizing chapter for a lot of people, and in a lot of ways I’m nervous about where it’ll go, and which characters Kaito is being more sympathetic toward here.

Since this whole chapter was about characters talking about homophobia from different angles, I may as well just jump straight into it as well and talk about the ideas and themes being discussed here.

To be blunt, Shingo’s attitude in this chapter pisses me off because it’s the kind of ‘neutrality’ that actively benefits oppressors and abusers. It’s the kind of attitude that just keeps victims from being able to defend themselves, and that allows abusers to keep hurting people. It’s the type of middle-of-the-road nothingness that supports the status quo, which in practice just means that people like him just end up sitting back and watching homophobes beat up gay people and all they feel like doing is going ‘hmm I dunno guys, both sides seem equally at fault here :/’. This is exactly the sort of situation where the idea of the paradox of tolerance comes into play. If you express universal tolerance toward everything, including intolerance, that just creates a situation where bigots and abusers get free reign to hurt people, which is obviously a bad thing. The only way to actually take any meaningful steps to punishing and preventing bigotry is to accept the fact that not everything deserves to be tolerated, and that punishing hatred is not morally equivalent to hating and hurting innocent people.

The situation with Touma and Kensuke pretty bluntly illustrates the imbalance of power and blame that lies at the heart of this. Literally the only thing that Touma did was being gay and having a crush on his best friend. And on the other hand, Kensuke decided to step into this situation that didn’t involve him at all and physically assault Touma over it. Acting like those two things are on any level meaningfully equivalent is cowardly and selfish. Kensuke’s own feelings and personal history are a separate topic that at this point have nothing to do with the immorality of how he treated Touma. Particularly because what Touma did has literally no direct connection to Kensuke. All Touma did was just tell Mami that he likes Taichi, and Kensuke was outside of the room eavesdropping. He wasn’t involved in the conversation at all, and he wasn’t even the subject of Touma’s feelings. He just went out of his way to force his own insecurities and baggage and bigotry onto a situation that has nothing to do with him. Maybe if it was a situation where, like, Touma had a crush on Kensuke and suddenly kissed him and Kensuke freaked out about it, then his past trauma might at least somewhat excuse it, but that’s not what happened.

Even though on paper the topic of male victims of rape is something that should be discussed and respected, I feel like it was kinda haphazardly thrown into this chapter to try and make Kensuke seem even somewhat sympathetic, even if it didn’t really work. As I said, the fact that Touma was talking about having feelings for someone other than Kensuke, and that Kensuke wasn’t part of the conversation at all, means that there’s absolutely no room to act like Kensuke’s trauma has anything to do with it. Him having past trauma because of some other gay person he knew doesn’t give him the right to randomly beat up any other gay person he knows about. Again, it’d be one thing if Kensuke was actually part of the conversation, or the subject of Touma’s feelings, or if Touma actually acted inappropriately toward him in a way that would be triggering, but, yet again, literally all Touma did was tell Mami that he likes Taichi, and Kensuke decided to go out of his way to barge in and assault him. Besides, if we’re going down the route of moral equivalency, it seems hypocritical for Kensuke to use his own past assault to completely ignore the fact that he also assaulted Touma. If they want to play the both sides card to get sympathy points, they don’t get to have it both ways and ignore Kensuke’s own assault toward Touma.

Which is it’s own thing, really. That most people who try and play the devil’s advocate centrist role aren’t actually what they seem to be. They’re usually not arguing in any sort of good faith. More often than not, they have their own biases and prejudices, and don’t in fact see everything equally. They just use the idea of politeness and tolerance to try and guilt-trip people who want to point out that it’s shitty of them to beat up a gay dude just for him being gay.

On the one hand, you can definitely say that Mami’s friends were inconsiderate and disrespectful toward Kensuke’s past assault, but honestly that whole plot point felt so transparently like ‘a plot point’, so to say, that I can’t even really suspend my disbelief over it, so I can’t exactly blame them for not caring. It’d be one thing if these were real people talking about real experiences, but since they’re just fictional characters, in this sort of situation I think what matters more is the author’s own intentions and methods in how and why they chose to bring this sort of thing up in the first place.

I was kinda hoping that there might be more layers to the whole situation with Kensuke, but nah it really was exactly what it seemed to be right from the get-go, and he really is just inexcusably bigoted and awful. But at least I expected that. I’m more disappointed with Shingo for deciding to completely throw Touma under the bus in order to try and protect Kensuke and his gross homophobic violence. He’s very rapidly losing points with me after this chapter, to be honest. Even on top of how incredibly rude he’s being to Touma by more or less accusing him of being just as bad as Kensuke, it seems really shitty of him to suddenly be defending Mr. “I have literally no choice but to treat men and women differently and to treat all women as sex objects and all gay men as rapists. I am just a smol creacher I cannut help it uwu” after the whole flashback with him sticking up for Mami and validating her desire to just be seen as a person and not as a woman. It kinda makes him seem really fake and two-faced in retrospect.

Not to mention the last minute implication that the blonde girl is apparently Shingo’s girlfriend, which makes his attitude seem even more shitty, honestly.

I honestly have to wonder if there’s some deeper reason why he seems to be pretty much abandoning his morals so he can aggressively double down on defending Kensuke’s actions at all costs. It just seems like a bit of an unnatural 180 for him.

And then there’s the whole scene with Futaba and co at the end of the chapter. Which is it’s own whole thing. I don’t really have much to say about it, but I do gotta admit that the whole way that they’re hammering in this idea of it being rude to Futaba for anyone to wish that Touma and Taichi could have gotten together is kinda feeling more and more uncomfortably meanspirited as time goes on. I dunno exactly how to put it, but especially after the whole “Touma’s apparently just as bad as Kensuke and apparently deserved to get assaulted for being gay” thing, it just seems all kinda of uncomfortable and loaded with all sorts of potential baggage that we immediately then had a whole scene of Mami basically going “you shouldn’t care so much about Touma’s feelings, you should just prioritize yourself and be happy about the fact that YOU’RE the one who ended up dating Taichi instead of Touma”. It really just seems like Touma’s getting shit on from all sides of the equation here. In a lot of ways it doesn’t really help that I don’t even think Taichi and Futaba’s relationship is that interesting or deep, so it’s just kinda annoying to see it get propped up and used as ammunition for this weird guilt-trip-y ‘if you want Touma to be happy, that just means you hate Futaba and her relationship with Taichi’ attitude.

Then there’s the whole thing at the very end of the chapter with Futaba unintentionally striking a raw nerve by being all cliffhangery and suddenly bringing up the [not-so-]hypothetical situation of Masumi being in love with her. I’m curious to see how that goes, but let’s just say that I don’t really want Masumi to also get shit on in the next chapter after what happened in this one, lol.

On the note of Masumi, we also finally got confirmation that she, for one reason or another, suspected that Touma was gay before she eventually became certain of it. I’m still curious to see if there’s any specific reason why she suspected it that early on, but I guess we’ll see.

Most of all I really wanna see more of Taichi’s thoughts on everything, since he’s been kinda non-existent for the last few chapters. Though I’m a bit nervous about whether or not I’ll even like what happens when we get a deeper look into his head.

At least for the time being I’m not going to personally judge Kaito for what happened in this chapter, since at the very least everything the characters said is more or less realistic for how teenagers talk about these things, but the big question is just which side of the argument Kaito wants us to sympathize with more in the long run. It’s one thing to just present different sides of an argument in a piece of fiction, but when it becomes clear that you as the author personally advocate for one over another, then it’s something worth talking about, one way or another.

This was really negative and ranty, but it’s not like I hate the series or anything, lol. I mean, my opinion on it might take a sharp downward turn if it becomes clear that Kaito just wants to throw Touma [and Masumi] under as many buses as possible while cozying up to violent homophobes, but we’ll see if it gets to that sorta point.

I’m just particularly sensitive about these sorts of centrist, willfully ignorant attitudes because they’re so directly at fault for so many of the world’s current political problems.

Trans Platonic Tarty chapter 5(I really should have a better title)

So this chapter is mainly Tyrus focused with hints of some Marty stuff for the next chapter. Hope you like it! As always you are still valid whether you pass, don't pass, or don't want to. Your gender or lack there of and how you express it is completely your choice. <3

Forgot to add in Trigger warning for minor transphobic and homophobic language.

They were sitting on the bench in Cyrus' backyard just holding onto each other, not saying a word. To Cyrus it seems like they have been there for an eternity. Seeing TJ this hurt made time go so slow. In actuality, it had only been a few hours, but it was getting late, judging by the setting sun. It was also getting colder out. Cyrus noticed the other boy shiver a little. Plus Cyrus' own hands were freezing.

"Teej?" Cyrus' voice was barely a whisper. 

TJ lifts his head slightly from the spot on Cyrus' shoulder it had been it resting on. The blonde is thankful that Cyrus doesn't move his arm from around his waist. "Yea Cy?" His voice sound hoarse and broken.

"Wanna head in? We can resume this on the couch? You are shivering and my hands kind hurt from the cold."

"Yeah…" TJ replies, almost like he is in auto drive. Cyrus frowns a little. Yesterday TJ had made him feel better but now Cyrus couldn't return the favor. He didn't know how to take a way the weight bearing down on his boyfriend. 

Cyrus stood up first and seen TJ's face drop even more with the loss of contact. He reaches out his hand to the taller boy in response, which TJ took immediately as he got up. They walked into the empty house (Leslie and Todd were at some conference and wouldn't be home until late tonight).

 "Wanna go sit down and I will make us some hot chocolate, yeah?" The shorter boy questions.

TJ looks away without releasing Cyrus' hand. "If it is alright with you, I wouldn't mind just staying next to you. I'll help make it."

"Yeah, of course, baby." Cyrus tries to put on his most encouraging smile, hoping to take away some of the heavy thoughts swirling in boyfriend's head. Cyrus honestly had never seen TJ this clingy before. But he has also never seen TJ look so defeated before. Today the world really showed Cyrus how cruel people could be. Worse than that, their cruelty had been directed at TJ, the person Cyrus loved most in this world. 

***************

The day started off positively. TJ had this cute idea of wearing shirts like the Born This Way episode of Glee. Cyrus was so proud of TJ when he saw his shirt. He was coming out as trans. He knew this was a big step for him. His shirt also left Cyrus blushing when he read the part about him being in love with Cyrus Goodman. He just couldn't believe how amazing his boyfriend really was. 

Their friends had all been so supportive too. All of them had been amazing to TJ and made him feel great before he walked through those school doors. But the moment the group walked in, Cyrus saw fear flicker in his boyfriend's eyes. Cyrus could tell he was having second thoughts. 

Cyrus took his hand and whispered, "It is going to be okay." He gave his boyfriend a small smile and the fear seemed to melt away. Cyrus really believed it was going to be okay. Shadyside is pretty liberal. What he didn't account for was the fact that sometimes other kids can just be mean.

As the group walked the hallway, they separated to head to their respective first periods. Luckily, TJ and Cyrus shared the same class, so they walked hand in hand through the crowded hallways together. At first, no one seemed to notice the shirts. That is until Kira spotted them. 

Kira had been so terrible to Cyrus yesterday at the market. So when she started towards them, Cyrus began to panic, worried she was going to humiliate him again. It didn't even cross her mind that she could come after TJ, though. He couldn't picture anyone wanting to hurt him. But that is what she did.

She steps across from the couple. In a voice loud enough to draw attention to them, she says, "Oh? You are trans? Are you telling me, you want to be a girl? Being gay isn't enough for you?"

TJ takes a deep breath, trying to stay calm as more students begin to stare. He counters very politely. "No, for your information, I am a trans-guy."

"I see." She says coldly. "You are only pretending to be a boy. You should  be proud, you really had everyone fooled. You should of kept it that way. Now everyone knows you are a freak."

Before Cyrus knew what he was doing, he felt his body move forward, getting right in Kira's face. He couldn't care less anymore if she was a jerk to him, but no one is going to be mean to his not-so-scary-basketball-guy. His voice comes out louder than intended. "Don't call him that! He is not a freak, he is the best person in my life. And TJ isn't pretending to be anything, he has always been a boy." 

Kira gives an amused smile but before she could talk, a voice from the crowd calls out to her, "Yea Kira, just like you have always been a bitch." Cyrus couldn't help but smile. He recognizes that voice; Buffy. He sees her cut through the crowd, Marty in tow, and stand next to them.

"Isn't that cute?" Kira taunts, looking past Cyrus, to the green eyed athlete. "Your friends are idiots TJ. You really have them believing that you are worth standing up. But a year ago, you were a terrible person. I may not have gone here but I have heard enough stories. Your gender isn't the only thing you are faking. People don't change. You aren't a good person, no matter what they tell you…" TJ looks like that cut him deep. He looks to the ground, trying to hold himself together. The crowd of kids watching has grown quite large. A few snickers can be heard throughout the group, but fir the most part there is silence.

As she opens her mouth to continue, Cyrus cuts her off. He practically yells, "That is enough, Kira! Don't talk to him like that!" His words don't even seem to phase her.

"You hear that TJ, your faggot boyfriend is standing up for you, isn't that sweet?"  Cyrus' eyes dart to the ground. All those terrible feelings from the other day come flooding in. Everyone around is silent now. Cyrus doesn't dare to make eye contact with anyone.

 But suddenly he feels TJ's arm around his shoulders. "Never call him that again." Cyrus risks looking over at TJ, and just like that he feels better. TJ loves him no matter how hurtful Kira is. TJ was giving her the most intense death stare Cyrus has ever seen. What he doesn't  see is Buffy mirroring TJ's look behind her. Marty is looking at the ground.

Kira, seemingly not getting the hint, continues, "But that's what he is. What you both are actually. He is a faggot and you are a tranny." Marty cringes slightly hearing that word but tries not to make obvious. Buffy, TJ, and Cyrus all lock eyes with her but it was Buffy that gets to her first.

It all happened so fast. Buffy barely remembers what happened. All she knows is Marty is now holding her back. Her knuckles are sore and Kira is on her ass nursing a bloody nose. When Kira stands up to retaliate, Dr. Metcalf walks into view. He orders all the students to get to class except for Buffy, Marty, Kira, Cyrus, and TJ. They had to follow him to his office.

Once there, they had to go and meet with him one by one so he could figure out the situation. Marty went in first, leaving the rest of them in awkward silence in the reception area. Cyrus sits between Buffy and TJ, fingers intertwined with blonde's.  He knows Kira's words are still fresh in TJ's head. He isn't even upset anymore about what she said to him because TJ will always take precedence in his mind.  

He glances over at Buffy, who gives him a small smile. Cyrus mouths "Thank you." Most of the time he feels that violence is not the answer but it felt so good to see Buffy sock Kira.  If anyone deserves it, she did. He turns his attention back to the jock, just studying his face. He takes in the sad eyes. They scream of pain and embarrassment. Cyrus knows that TJ is mulling over the bully's words. Cyrus whispers "I love you Teej…" He prays to whatever forces are out there that that will take away some of the venom Kira has pulsing through TJ's head.

Meanwhile, Kira apparently doesn't know when to stop. She had been standing against the wall, across from them. She says in a soft but cocky voice. "I meant what I said out there. You aren't a good person. They gave you a second chance, right? These friends of yours, your boyfriend. But do you really think you deserved it? Because you didn't and sooner or later, they will all realize it."

Cyrus squeezes TJ's hand reassuringly. He doesn't know how Kira knew exactly what to say to  cut someone down. He looks at her. "I told you to not talk to him like that."

"Like I care what you say. What are you going to do about it?" She smirks.

"If you aren't careful, you will have more than a broken nose." Buffy spits from beside Cyrus. Kira surprisingly stops talking. Buffy smiles in triumph.

Meanwhile, Marty comes shooting out of Metcalf's office. He looks upset. He briefly gave a passing glance at Buffy as he walked past her before heading out to the hall. She can't even go after him because she has to do her meeting.

After almost an hour, the principal has finally spoken to all of the kids. In the end, Buffy ended up with a two day in-school suspension starting tomorrow for punching Kira, and Kira got a week for harassment and discrimination. She complained that she was the victim, but Metcalf didn't seem to care. Buffy could tell he was on her side (though he could never say that.)

It was at lunch that the entire group meets back up. Marty takes a seat next to Buffy. He is tense and quiet. TJ and Cyrus seem just as tense as Cyrus wraps his arm around TJ, pulling  him so close their shoulders touch. It is what TJ needs right now. Buffy is left to fill in Andi and Jonah on what happened. Of course, they heard whispers in the hall of the incident but it was nice to have Buffy fill in the blanks.

"I hate Kira." Andi declares before looking over at Cyrus and TJ. "I am so sorry, guys."

"Don't apologize, you don't control what she does." Cyrus gives her a little smile.

Jonah chimes in, "Has anything else happened to either of you today?"

"People already knew I was gay since, you know, we haven't really been hiding it. So besides Kira, no one has said anything to me...but TJ has had it worse." Cyrua looks over at TJ, seeing if he wants to say more.

TJ looks around at his friends, the usual light in his green eyes seem to have dimmed. He takes a shaky breath. "A lot of people keep asking really personal questions. Some mean well and are trying to learn while some are just trying to be shitty for no reason." He looks down as he continues. "But the worst part of today was that some of my teammates came up and told me they didn't want to play with...with a tranny." When that word pushes past his teeth into the air, he notices Marty cringe out of the corner of his eye. He pushes on with his train of thought. "They must be following Kira's lead, you know? Who even uses that word anymore? Anyhow… um...then coach came to me right before I came in here for lunch and told me I can no longer use the guys locker room. According to him, a few of the guys felt uncomfortable. I don't even go in with the other guys, I always waited until everyone was gone to change. But now suddenly I can't use it at all. And obviously I can't go in the girls either, I mean he said I could but, not going  to happen. Look at me, I don't belong in a girl's locker room. So I am basically being blacklisted off the team. Like not officially but I don't know if I have the guts to show up where no one wants me there. I just…' his voice trails off as Cyrus just hold him tight.

Suddenly the whole table shakes under the pressure of someone pounding down their fists. They look, it was Marty. "This just isn't fair. They can't do that!" Cyrus, Andi, and Jonah are surprised to see the runner so worked up, but Buffy and TJ get it. The boy continues, "I just don't know why it is so hard for trans people to just be themselves! Who does it actually affect? No one is getting hurt. TJ and…" he stops himself and looks away. He feels Buffy squeeze his shoulder comfortingly. 

Everyone stays quiet until Marty speaks again, directing it at TJ this time. "I'm a coward, man. That's why I stormed out of Metcalf's office. Here you are taking all this bullshit for coming out and all I could put on this shirt was "Parent Issues?" And then I watched as Kira humiliated you. Cyrus and Buffy, jumped to your defense but I said nothing because part of me was worried that if I spoke, somehow she would know my secret too. I'm supposed to be your best friend, the person who understands what you are going through the most." Slowly, the three who didn't know about Marty were beginning to get it. Marty is trans.

"You shouldn't have to come out if you don't want too. It is a deeply personal decision. It's okay, you know that right?" TJ speaks, forgetting his hurt for a moment. 

"No it is not." He pushes his tray away.  :I'm suddenly not hungry." He gets up and walks away. Buffy goes after him.

They pass the rest of lunch in an awkward tension, no one quite knowing what to say. TJ was still holding onto Cyrus like his life depended on it. The remainder of the school day was more of the same. Cyrus and TJ had no afternoon classes together so TJ had to endure the prying stares alone. 

At the end of the day, Cyrus met him by his locker. Cyrus always met him by his locker after school. TJ has basketball practice today and Cyrus usually sits in, and watches. Cyrus knows that today is different though. He bites his bottom lip, looking up at TJ to say something.

"I'm skipping practice today…" 

"Teej, you never miss a practice." Cyrus replies while taking taking TJ's hand. 

"Well there is a first time for everything. I just can't  today." It feels like it is hard to breathe. TJ barely recognizes his own choked voice.

"Okay. Wanna just come back to my house?" 

"Yea...I would like that.

***************

That is how they ended up here, on Cyrus' living room couch. Barely touched cups of hot chocolate sit on the coffee table. TJ has his face buried into Cyrus chest, as the brunette's arm rest over TJ's shoulder.The position is a little uncomfortable on the narrow couch, but TJ doesn't seem to mind

After a long time sitting in silence, Cyrus swears it feels like his shirt is wet where TJ's face is. Then he hears a stifled whimper. "Teej?" He whispers.

"I'm fine…" A broken voice answers without looking up at Cyrus.

Cyrus frowns slightly. He can tell his boyfriend had been crying. "I said the same thing yesterday and we both know I was lying." His voice is soft and understanding.

"Kira was right." TJ says into Cyrus' shirt. "I am not a good person."

"What are you talking about?" Cyrus whispers.

"Think about it Cy. I am reckless and dumb a lot of the times. Like there is that stupid basketball thing. I should've thought about that before coming out. I fucked myself. Then I didn't even think about what spot I was putting Marty in by coming out. I didn't think about his feelings." More tears hit Cyrus' shirt. TJ's breathing is irregular and he is choking back sobs but he keeps on. "Muffin, up until a year ago, I was as mean as Kira is. Some of the kids at school still act scared when they see me, like it's an instinct. I did that. I'm the one that made them scared of me. I didn't deserve a second chance."

"TJ...no. I am sorry but you are wrong." Cyrus says soothingly. "I believe that most people deserve a second chance, including you. You are nothing like Kira. There are plenty of "mean" kids who are so much more, once you take the time to see it. Like Amber. Like you. But there are some people who are just mean. Kira fits in that category. She likes to hurt people and that's it. But you have put so much work into showing the world how good you can be. "

"But Cyrus…" TJ begins to protest before being cut off.

"No, you are going to listen to me. TJ, what you did today was so brave...and you did it for me. You are so selfless. You wanted me to feel loved right?" 

The blonde awkwardly nods his head against TJ's chest. "Of course, because  you are loved."

"Exactly. And so are you. I love you so much for so many reasons. You are not forcing anything on Marty and he knows that. Secondly, you didn't  deserve what happened to you. Kira is literally the WORST. Those players on your team are just cowards who want to wear you down because they can't see how amazing you are. And your coach was wrong to take their side. I hate that they said those kids said that stuff to you." Cyrus sounds genuinely angry for a moment before taking a deep breath and continuing. "Please know, you did nothing wrong today...and as for the kids who are still scared  of you? Just keep being a good person, they will come around. I did. So did Buffy and everyone else that loves you as their friend." Cyrus' arm is holding TJ against him, threatening to never let go.

TJ lifts his head slightly so he can actually look at his boyfriend's face. "I don't know how you do it."

"Do what?" Cyrus replied, taking in the glassy, red puffy eyes looking up at him. The soft greens still managed to shine through tear sore eyes.

"You know just the right things to say to make me feel better, no matter what I am going through. That's why I didn't want to leave your side today. I am sorry if I was clingy. It is just…"

"Just what, Teej?" Cyrus pushes him gently to go on.

"Okay, so uh, this is going to sound dumb, so stay with me. You know when you are lifting like a really heavy box or something, how it is easier if you had someone else to help you? Like you can carry if alone but you don't want to. That's kind of how I felt today. Everything was so heavy and I know it is selfish but I needed your help to carry it." He looks away, slightly embarrassed by what he said.

"That wasn't selfish...I am your boyfriend. Kind of part of the deal. I will always be there to help you carry anything that is too heavy…" He quickly adds "Emotion wise, of course. This body was not made to care actual heavy boxes, that is a Buffy thing." He laughs and for the first time all day, he hears TJ laugh too.

"Cyrus?" TJ asks after a moment.

"Yea?"

"Thank you…" That's the only thing that leaves his mouth before putting his head back down against Cyrus. They stay like that for a while, in a comfortable silence.

Okay I know I wanted this to be my last chapter but I wanna do some Trans!Marty things so I lied

Tag list: Sorry if I forget anyone, I am not doing the best today and I got overwhelmed. So lmk if I forgot you. I wi add you on <3. @abg-blah @kippens-a-goodman @purplefacey @thefaeriemagic3 @tyrus-is-everything

WicDiv Thoughts, some overly personal

stiiiiiillllll can’t really put together my feelings about the end and epilogue.  I will say that I liked the ending and epilogue more than I expected to*, and the longer I sit on it, I find more things to like about it.

(* Except for everything about Baal and Mini)

That said, there’s still that huge, unpleasant gap between what I wanted/expected this comic was supposed to be, and what it actually intended/was. I wrote this post after 43 (the “everyone does the thing” chapter), using bits of a half-written reaction to 39 ("Laura did the thing” chapter) to talk about that gap. I decided to sit on it til everything was said and done Just In Case, but I mostly still agree with what I’d written. 

So Here Are My Thoughts

The full pantheon abdicating! This is basically where I expected us to go. Since 39 it seems like the natural place for the story to be headed. Laura’s revelations, along with the Daddy Forgive Us special made it clear that the only way out of the game was not to play it. I was kinda luke warm on that concept, but it made sense for where the story was at that point. I was waiting to see how it actually played out before getting fussy about it.

I give him a C for execution here. Maybe a C+. 

I thought Dio’s moment was great. Jon’s was beautiful. Inanna’s I definitely could have gotten behind if he’d actually gotten to have any of that arc on the page instead of getting put on a bus 30 chapters ago. 

The rest range from “meh” to “yikes.”

I could have liked this, I wanted to like this. Given how much “OKAY” has been miles more thoughtful than Mothering Invention, I was genuinely hoping to like this. I would have loved to see these kids find something more important than godhood to live for. But that’s not what we got.

We did get them realizing that being a god is not worth dying for. Which is good!  And essential! And basically the central conceit of this comic! 

But.

But...  

I really wanted to see our cast value their lives period. And while there was some of that, there was far more of seeing them be humbled. We saw them beaten down until they had no choice but to admit they Were Not Special (or at least, were not as special as they thought). I was hoping for them to find a capacity to value their lives because their lives have value whether or not they are special, but instead it was a story about being humbled, and I guess to me, I just can’t see that what young queer artists need is help being humbled. They need help being valued as people, they need the internal presence of self to command that value be respected, and they need the external support to give them a fighting chance at that.  And not to be That Fan, but that fighting chance doesn’t come from individual actions. It comes from worker solidarity and respect for labor as labor.  It just doesn’t work for me to have a series around the exploitation and consumption of young talent and leave anything material about money and labor practices out of the material.

(McKelvie’s My (6000 F) pantheon has unionized joke, but unironically.)

Anyway this comic was all about Don’t Let This Happen To You.  And that’s a good start, but I was hoping for it to be so much more than that. It could be that this is me looking at WicDiv and wanting it to say something broader about specialness and creativity and mental illness and exploitation. 

(There’s a lot to be unpacked wrt presenting itself as a story about the whole world through all of human history, while also intending to be  psuedoautobiographical for a very specific set of circumstances. But that’s not this post.)

It’s weird because like, Fandemonium already delivered masterfully on Laura learning to value herself outside of godhood.  Laura’s last pre-apoptheosis soliloquy about “I can’t save any of them, but I can still help them” was one of those wham moments that really cemented this book’s place in my heart. Living through Fandemonium and realizing that the gods were people, and needed actual love and support from people who cared about them as people, and that just being a decent friend is something worth living for, fuck!! That’s good shit!! That’s fucking excellent!! 

And for the rest of WicDiv’s run, I was always waiting for the story to get back to that place, but it never really did. 

 (ETA AFTER 45 IS OUT: ok fine I fucking love that Laura saved Luci. Big Gay Hero Girl drags naughty non-devil out of hell and they kiss, fucking A+. But “can’t save but CAN help” is still something I wish the comic had followed up on more. The friendship thing got touched on a little bit too,  but never in a way I found as satisfying as Fandemonium.)

So anyway Luci going Full Diva. Her future is this and her future is nothing.

The longer I chew on it, the more I like it, and the more it seems like the inevitable place for Elanor Rigby’s story to go. It’s a good continuation from where we last saw her have any scrap of agency, but also frustrating in that “the lat time we saw her have any scrap of agency” was basically the entire comic ago. It was jarring to have her go from [One Sassy Line Per Issue] to [Maybe I’m The Final Boss]. Her story suffered deeply suffered from all the time she spent off screen. But despite all that, I’m very much really looking forward to whatever the fuck Laura Wilson’s going to do about this. 

I’m trying not to get my hopes up for Talk Her Down ending. It seems perfectly in line with this series to end with the moral of “sometimes, no matter how kind or brave or caring you are, people you love pick their addictions over living.” That’s a song I’ve already heard live and in person, and I don’t really want or need to hear anyone else’s studio cover.

Uh final thought on 43 is.... Minanke DOES seem to count herself as part of the 12, which still lines up with my Emily Was Also A Fake God theory (Fauxmaterasu theory? Nokami hypothesis? Amaterasuspicion?) but it does seem unlikely to actually be a Thing between now and the epilogue. shrug.

(ETA AGAIN: I had to write out my feelings on 39 and Laura’s own abdication (unpotheosis?) to properly respond to 43. So here’s a draft of another unpublished post that I fleshed out.)

I have extremely mixed feelings about chapter 39. 

First Feeling: thank fuck the pregnancy plot is over. 

Second feeling: establishing abdication as an option established a nice overarching shape to this book. Things have felt directionless for many chapters, but this does make it seem like we are back on some kind of track.

Third Feeling: kinda liking abdication as a general direction for endgame.  For most of the series, I was hoping the whole that there actually was Something Important about the recurrence, but since it's clear now that it’s basically all lies, I like this this angle well enough.

Strongest Feeling: hell fucking yes to Laura’s shaved head. 

(Tangential Feeling: buzzing your own head is good and you should think about doing it. Doing it for catharsis in a moment of crisis is A-OK, but I did it once just because I felt like it and it was fucking great. banishing your high maintenance hair does not cure depression, but it does give you back an hour of personal upkeep every day and the fuzzy head is wonderful to touch.)

Contrary to most of the fandom, though, I absolutely loathed Laura’s monologue here, and the context that it puts around her not-choice. There’s a lot of shitty Hot Takes out there about how mental illness and addition and creation intersect. A lot of people will suggest that being unhealthy makes you a better artist, and what’s more that being a better artist is worth being unhealthy.  This series is unambiguously and steadfastly against that message, which is one of the absolute best and most important things about it!  I don’t want to diminish that.

But that all said, seeing Laura alone in the dark describing “an addicts moment of clarity” was... jesus it was all kinds of personally painful and upsetting. It hurt real bad, and not in the way I though I had agreed to be hurt. And I’m not sure how to spell out why.

I have thousands and thousands of words on why it struck such a sour cord in me, but a lions share can be summed up with “fuck absolutely every story where a Troubled Girl just needed to get traumatized/humiliated/humbled enough to Realize How Bad She Was Being.” Double fuck this one in particular for showing the girl getting over addiction/mental illness by literally sitting alone in the dark thinking about how much she fucked up.  That story is tired, and cruel, and dangerous, and thank Christ I encountered this comic at 30 and not 19 because I would have swallowed it down with all the other poison that Helpful Adults fed me.

But yeah though, her shaved look is fucking adorable as shit.  Neither she nor Britany made any hair mistakes.

ETA ULTIMATE: That last bit is the one thing in this post I don’t quite still stand by. By the end, it’s clear that the above wasn’t at all the story this book was trying to tell at all. I thought WicDiv was trying to tell some Epic Truths, Hard-Facts-About-Human-Nature shit. But despite the sweeping setup (All Across The World and Through All Of History) the book was using a complex allegory for a very specific situation (Selling Your Soul and Name and Life To Creative-Industrial Machines), and that made it muddy.  

(Insert Principal Skinner meme here “Am I out of touch? Was I simply interrogating the text from the wrong perspective?  No, it’s the original creators who are wrong!”)

I’m from a family of mentally ill, addiction-prone, recovering-Catholic artists.  Laura is in my blood. Half the people I love are Laura.  I have Laura’s painting on my wall and her books on my shelf. I’ve sat with Laura’s mother a few years after Laura’s death, as her father now slowly dying in the next room, and listened to her music for the first time. (It was good. It was really good.  And I never even knew.)

These experiences colored my read, but how could they not?  

I do now, I think, understand what Gillen was trying to say- the addiction he was talking about was to stardom, the attention and accolades, and free pass to make your own shit be everyone else’s problem. I understand now that the “art” that the gods made was always supposed to be Not Real Art, that there was no true “message” from their songs- all noise, no signal. It was never about Laura’s art, or even Laura as an artist.  And that was unpleasant to reconcile.

Because when you're Laura, or Elanor, or any of them, life doesn’t have to grant your ill-advised wish before it fucks your head and kills you. Sometimes you fight as hard as you can with every fiber of your being and you’re still in Hell. Sometimes you’re doing all the Meetings and self-reflection and therapy you can manage and you’re still a Destroyer. But the shit you create while you’re down there is worthy of creating. What you do with your too-short, too-fucked time matters. A fucked up life was still worth living because it was your life to live. And... I guess, from the story presented in Faust Act and Fandemonium, I sort of thought that this was what WicDiv was supposed to be talking about. I thought it was going to be about doing something good even when life is fucking you. But instead it is a cautionary tale that  that suggests you could have stopped getting fucked at any time if you had just gotten over yourself and said the magic words.

We spent half the comic watching Laura drag herself through the mud. Half the comic was focused on Her Mistakes, when so little of her circumstances were actually her fault. “Punish Ophelia until she gets over herself” is not at all what WicDiv meant to be about. I imagine the creators would be aghast to hear that’s what I got out of it. But the text is what the text is.  While it is intended (and successful!) at being many other very good things, this one really bad thing is still part of that mix, and that sucks.

Maybe I should have picked up on the discrepancy between my read and the intent sooner. Probably I should have just done myself a favor and stop reading once I did.

2016, 2017 while my life was going a bit to shit, this comic was exactly what I needed. Being in the fandom made my life better and helped me meet cool new friends and get through some of the hardest shit to happen to me since I was a kid. Then in 2018, it slid into source of frustration and soured promise. Now at the end I have no idea if I liked it or not. 

But that’s fine, now that it’s done. The ink is dry, the ritual is over. It’s just a comic book now.  Some pictures I still love and some words I don’t always agree with. A lot of noise, arguable amounts of signal, but not a song I want to play on loop anymore.

I have no real conclusion to draw here. I respect at how firmly WicDiv rejects dark and unhealthy parts of being a professional creator- especially unhealthy things that are generally just accepted as Common Wisdom. I don’t think it took enough care in spelling out what it was rejecting, though, and I do think it was remiss in not finding good healthy things to embrace as an alternative.

All of the above notwithstanding, I have to give it credit for delivering almost exactly what I wanted in terms of lesbian nonsense. That ain’t nothing.

I give this series ?????/∞ and am happy to be safely clear of Kieron Gillen’s Wild Ride

3/3/3

I... was tagged by a lot of people so here we go hahaha thank you tooooo @a-brighter-yellow, @runaway-train-works, @allwaswell16, @laynefaire, and @himynameiszayn! sorry this wasn’t timely, but honestly who expects timely out of me anymore? no one. lollll I honestly don’t know who has and hasn’t done this, so I’m going to just... share my three lines and then answer the three questions everyone asked me. if you see this and wanted to be tagged but weren’t, say i tagged you and answer the three questions out of the list of 15 that i’m apparently going to be answering and do your own post! i’d love to see what you have as well. Soooooo here we go!

Three lines from my WIP (i’m doing five instead cause i was tagged by five people, hope that’s okay):

Harry had done them a favor, really.

Louis’ heart didn’t believe him just yet. The tears running down his face and the fact that he was having a hard time breathing as he tried to hold back the worst of his crying until he was done driving were physical evidence of that. But he knew that given time, it would.

Hopefully.

Three Questions from Sage:

1. Do you have a strategy for writing dialogue?

uhhhhhh.... not so much. lolll i just try to make it sound natural and have a good rhythm to it. but i guess i don’t really think much about it other than trying to make it sound like something they’d say, if that makes sense? i’m afraid people who bother to read my answers to these questions are gonna be like “wow she doesn’t really think about much of anything ever while writing, does she?” noooo i really don’t. lol

2. Do you keep a note in your phone related to your fic/fics? What kinds of things do you jot down?

uhhhh i mean kinda. lollll i mostly keep a fic list in my planner, actually, but i also will brainstorm in chats in whatsapp and then i star the messages so i don’t lose them. other than that, i don’t really keep any notes in my phone. 

3. Who’s characterization do you think you have the best handle on? Does writing a particular one of the boys come easier to you than the rest?

Nicholas Grimshaw’s. Because he is the gay male version of me, i swear he is. lolllll otherwise I don’t really know? I mean, i feel like it’s a really opinion based subjective answer because we don’t really know them, so what i think is a good handle on their characterizations might have someone else reeling and upset lol that said, i do often find it easier to write from Harry’s pov as opposed to anyone else’s, but over time I’ve come to be comfortable writing from Louis’ too.

the rest is going under a cut cause wow this got long

Three Questions from Rebecca:

1. What’s a trope and/or pairing you love to read but haven’t tackled yet yourself, and why?

uuuuuuhhhhhhh that’s a really good question actually. i am not really sure? i LOVE fake relationship, friends to lovers, bed sharing, hybrid, abo, f/nf... oh! i know! i love royalty fics and i’ve never tried one of those! and same with regency fics. all the pairings i love to read i have officially attempted writing now, so i’m actually quite proud of that.

2. Which fic of yours are you most proud of and why?

i... this is mean. lolllll Goodness. I have a handful of fics that I’m actually really proud of. But one I’ll use for one of Anitra’s questions and another I’ll use for one of Michelle’s hahaha SO I’ll say the fic I’m most proud of is You Don't Care About Me (One More Night). There’s a lot of reasons why, for this one. One, it’s the longest fic I’ve ever written and I wrote it in something crazy like 3 weeks. Another is I have tried writing canon compliant fics in the past and they are SO FREAKING HARD. like SO HARD. And I promised myself I wouldn’t write another one, but I got this idea and I wanted to write it since I hadn’t found anything like it. So I took on the attempt to write a long canon compliant fic, and i did it! I also wasn’t sure how successful I would be with getting the emotions and sensuality across with this fic, because it’s a friends with benefits fic, right? but, i decided a few years ago i wasn’t going to write smut anymore. would i be successful in getting that across? the connection they have? the desire? the sexual tension? would people be able to feel the growth in the attachment between them as their relationship grows and changes and morphs without it? I didn’t even touch on all the reasons why i was concerned and nervous but also excited to write this fic that all come together with me being so proud of it. but in the end, it was SUCH a growing experience and such an incredible writing experience for me and in the end, i think i truly produced exactly the fic i wanted to. i think this fic is one i would thoroughly enjoy reading again later, and that i would love it. which is always my greatest goal, so yeah. i think my tomlinshaw fic is probably the fic i’m most proud of.

3. What three tips would you give to a new writer in the fandom?

oh goodness okay so let’s see here. 

1- get good support around you. i’m talking friends, cheerleaders, betas, just anyone and everyone. writing is hard and if you feel like you’re doing it alone it’s that much harder. so surround yourself with good, wonderful, and supportive people.

2- write what you want to read/write for yourself. i enjoyed writing the first few years i was doing it. it was fun being inspired by other people’s ideas and participating in a lot of exchanges where i was focused on the recipient and writing something for them. the year i wrote something like 42 fics was such a growing experience for me and i don’t think a single one of those fics was actually for myself. after that year i decided i wanted to focus on what I wanted to write and what i would like to read, and ever since i changed that focus in my writing, it’s changed entirely. i’m so much more proud of the fics i produce overall and i enjoy the process so much more because they’re for me. if they aren’t hugely popular, that’s okay. i like them, i love them, and that’s what’s most important for me. i’ve become so much more settled in my writing and just all of it since i made that change.

3- write often. it makes the biggest difference and makes things become so much easier if you do. it’s so hard at first, but you will strengthen those writing “muscles” and become such a stronger writer and narrator and just improve vastly the more you do it. so, write often.

Three Questions from Anitra:

1. Which of your fics do you wish more people would read? (Include a link please!)

You Try To Be Everything (I Need)! i know i know i know. it’s fantasy. those never get huge amounts of hits. AND it’s kinda future/dystopian. those ALSO never get huge amounts of hits. AND it’s a non-linear narrative which ALSO never gets huge hits. BUT I LOVE THIS FIC, OKAY??? it’s one of the top three i’ve posted this year that i’m most proud of and i ADORE IT. it’s one of my absolute fic babies. it FLOWED from me in a way i’ve never experienced before and i used symbolism! and visuals! and created a world! and took them on an epic journey! this fic is just. one of the best examples of how i can write as well. i loved how i was able to reveal information as it needed to be and was pertinent to the story. i feel like it gave a power to it that it wouldn’t have had without those flashbacks. and the art!!!! gosh the art that @hrrytomlinson did for it was just stunning. so yeah. probably that one. 

2. What are three of your favorite tropes to write? Why?

ooohhhh i LOVE writing friends to lovers. i think it’s the pining. i ADORE writing pining. probably because until my husband i had very few experiences that went past pining so i’m quite familiar with that in my own life lollll i also love writing disaster gay/humor fics. they’re so fun and also feel so relatable to my life. they’re easy for me to write and just SUCH A BLAST. and lastly i think... my other favorite trope to write is... meet cute. i just love writing that point in time when two people meet and immediately like each other and have to figure out how the hell they’re gonna ensure that they see that other person again. you know? i love those beginning stages so much! so yeah. i think that would probably be my other favorite trope to write.

3. Do you write side pairings in your fics? Which side pairing is your favorite? Why?

i dooooooo! i dunno if i have a favorite. i feel like i often rely on ziam because, well, why not? right? but i do have a LOT of fun writing shiall. there’s just something about their two personalities and getting to write them that allows me to be a bit silly but also just have fun and be cute and fluffy. so yeah. i guess maybe shiall. ooh but i do love a good rare pair of side gemma/niall as well hehe

Three Questions from Layne:

1. Do you have a writing routine? What is it?

mmmmm i guess kinda? lolll generally i have a very hard time writing at home. if i’m at home i’m going to get interrupted by my husband or kids or parents. it’s bound to happen. either that or i’ll remember any number of five million things that i should be doing around the house instead of sitting there and writing, so overall i have to write somewhere other than home. i’ll shove all of my errands and chores and everything into a smaller time frame so i have a bit of time to myself that i can leave the house and write for. whether that time amount is just 20 minutes or 3 hours, i’ll go and get set up (usually at starbucks or the library) and i’ll check in with any number of people or chats and let them know i’m writing. i’ll give them a starting word count, the fic i’m working on, and when i’ll be checking back for accountability. i then write like the wind. often, i’ll have a playlist going in the background, but not always. then when my time is up, i’ll check back in with the chat and share my ending word count so i can see how much i wrote that 20 minutes/hour/whatever and then i’ll also usually share a snippet so they can yell at me in excitement and help me stay excited too. and then rinse lather repeat until the fic is done! soooooo yeah. if that counts as a routine, then that’s my routine. haha!

2. Which of your fics was the most challenging to write? Which was the most fun? Why?

oh goodness, there have been a few that were difficult as fuck to write. i think the one that was the hardest was probably I Don't Mean to Frustrate. it was for an a/b/o exchange and i got three prompts that i just... was not really comfortable with tbh. i wasn’t sure any of them were tropes i could take on or i was not emotionally equipped to handle, which left me with a canon compliant prompt. i LOVE reading canon compliant a/b/o fics, but i hate writing canon compliant as i think i’ve said before. because of that, it felt like pulling teeth. i wanted to be sure that i was holding true to their schedule, i wanted to be sure i was sticking with what we knew of the band at that time etc but then mix things up a bit with the a/b/o dynamics. i think i just put a lot of pressure on myself and didn’t feel confident in it and that just made it suuuuuuuper hard to write. i do like it now, but it was really hard for me. the most fun? oof uhhh probably I Like Digging Holes. That fic is so self indulgent. i was meant to be writing at least another two or three other fics that actually had deadlines and instead i saw a silly interaction that grimmy had with an instagram person and i had to write it. something ridiculous like two days later this fic was posted and it was just a blast to be ridiculous and over the top and silly. 

3. Do you make playlists to write to, and if so, do you ever share them when you post your fics? Which fic’s playlist do you enjoy most, and why?

sometimes? if there’s a fic that has a really specific vibe i’m looking to channel in it then i will and USUALLY i’ll link them in the author’s note for the fic, but i don’t do it very often. generally the playlists i listen to as i write are just the ones i’ve made most recently of music i’m currently enjoying. that said, i do really love the playlist i made for my 50s direction fic (A Word We've Only Heard), because i made sure it was all era appropriate and it was the music that had inspired that fic in the first place, so yeah. you can find the playlist here, if you’re interested. 

Three Questions from Michelle:

1. Which fic of yours holds a special place in your heart?

I have a little list of my fic babies mentally that i have, but the one from this year that i’m most proud of and is special to me that hasn’t already been talked about is The Only Thing That Keeps Me Grounded. i feel like i’ve talked a lot about it, but there were a lot of emotions and self realization moments and just... i tried really hard to make it true to those who identify as polyamorous. i think i really hit that on the head with that and made it so it’s a fic that actually can be relatable and others can identify with whether they’re poly or not, and because of all those things, it’s just really special to me.

2. Is there a pairing you refuse to write?

mmmm no? i mean there are going to be some pairings that i find more difficult, but if there’s anything that i’ve learned over the almost five years i’ve been writing in this fandom, it’s that i can write pretty much anything i set my mind to. i just might not enjoy it as much haha

3. What do you prefer Fests or challenges more?

i... dunno? lollll i love a good fest and a good challenge, so i guess it just depends on what the challenge or the fest is as to whether i prefer one over the other. haha!

And that’s it! if you actually read all of this, you are a GEM AMONG MERE ROCKS. lolll i appreciate you caring enough about me to read the whole thing. i hope i didn’t bore you. and again, if you want to do this, consider yourself tagged! please tag me in your own post so i can read it and enjoy your answers too!

everything in deh is so entirely from evan’s fairly closed-off perspective and everything jared does is entirely focused on evan b/c he’s in love with him but it’s wild to think about jared just separately from evan and by wild i mean “makes it clear how depressing it is”

like, ugh all the seniors really are That similar…jared only has one friend and they’re not that close atm apparently, yeah jared denies that they’re Real friends to get out of having to dare to be the first to sign evan’s cast, but also they might not have interacted at all if jared hadn’t been the one to initiate it. and then immediately you see how jared’s approach totally fails when he’s dealing with some other person……not that every other random student is gonna react like connor but yknow. jared doesn’t have any friends and he’s the same as evan and connor in that he really just sees interactions as risky / threatening more than he expects them to be rewarding in any way, and the way he’s also closed off in general and the way he’s trying to deal with his own first day is just as much of a defensive maneuver as evan’s approach of trying to withdraw and avoid all (negative) attention and connor responding aggressively to what he perceives as negative attention

anyways like, all the times he’s not with evan, he’s also out there having zero friends. and he probably doesn’t like it much more than evan does. i mean, it’s like it is when he offers right away to help evan with his wild email situation…it’s really not that appealing an opportunity in terms of “develop your relationship with your one friend,” but jared’s wanting this chance to connect and feel important and cared about and just get to enjoy some socializing. he’s that desperate for all those factors that he’s immediately latching on to this weird way to spend time for evan. it’s pretty depressing lol. and like, he probably does also wish he had other friends, or A Real Friend….we know he doesn’t really have camp friends, which is also just depressing, because again, he probably wishes he does. like, what was that whole situation like, how was jared’s summer? because maybe he didn’t try to kill himself as far as we know, but if for some period of time he was in this place with these other people and evan wasn’t there so he had zero friends and in the end he came away with zero friends and no remarkable experiences to speak of? it sounds pretty lonely and sad tbh. kinda wanna imagine that fic. i already get carried away sometimes imagining jared has his gay awakening there. i mean, what else is summer camp for

and just, whenever he’s not with evan during the course of the musical, we can presume he’s on his own. and the thing he says about “literally nothing i tell my parents is true and they have no idea” is fairly sad, like. there’s got to be a motivation for that and the possibilities are all depressing. and it just further means he’s isolated and maybe nobody knows him and he’s not gonna turn to them for support at any point

which is relevant because jared ends up heartbroken and friendless and left to deal with that entirely on his own, when earlier he was already doing so crappily that he jumped at the chance to write fake correspondence as an opportunity to feel validated and then continued to chase that up until it reached a breaking point when evan turned down his invitation and turned on jared and jared got additionally upset at having to actually see evan with his gf, no hetero. anyways jared also was not thriving and then That happens and he doesn’t tell his parents anything true about himself and evan was his only friend and we don’t know that he like, has anything else. plus he probably reads evan’s letter, and he’d also know that it was evan who wrote it, and that would just be even more depressing to say the least. and he wouldn’t know why it was posted or what was going on b/c like, he’s also having to trust evan not to tell anyone about what they did, same as evan has to trust that jared won’t tell anyone (and jared doesn’t)

just like, that all sucks, enjoy being heartbroken and friendless for the rest of your senior year. and the thing is that like, also jared’s out there hating himself all the time, so he’s also being left alone with that. and even if the whole experience lets him realize that the persona he used only ended up sabotaging him, then at best he’d be dropping his main defense while still being left with that self-loathing. but he could easily interpret his “mistake” to have been letting that defensive persona slip in the first place, because originally he was acting like he Wasn’t totally yearning for evan or really all that affected one way or another, but he went and got more attached and had his #1 motivation be trying to spend more quality time with evan, and even at the last minute he was just actually trying to put himself out there and just invite him over which like, for him just clearly shows how important it was to him, but he just ended up getting burned. and maybe it would only make him want to double down on maintaining a distance from people. that would be sad

like, it’d be nice to think in college he got to have a different Social Experience b/c college is like that….he’d be away from the same people he’d gone to school with for years, (away from evan), away from his parents who he apparently also always kept up this facade around, given this entirely new environment and situation and independence……it could be good but it could also just be even more depressing for him if he feels like he’s got this chance for a fresh start / chance to Reinvent himself (jared came up with that line!!) and he still just isn’t exactly thriving and still doesn’t know how to make friends….it’s not like it’s easy to just Decide to be different all at once, especially with jared being as scared and repressed as he is. but it’s nice to think he could like, learn to come out of that shell and learn that people can like him and he can like them

it’s also a chance to figure out you’re super Not Straight. like, let him end up joining whatever group/organization is on campus and be taken in by other gays. it really would be wild if jared hadn’t realized he was actually in love with evan and has to realize after the fact that he experienced heartbreak without knowing it was heartbreak, and only just now understanding why he couldn’t even stand to see his friend’s gf politely kiss him, or understanding why he was wanting to pretend to be said friend’s secret lover while also talking about how some would say there’s something quite beautiful about the love that one man feels for another

it’d be great if jared gets the chance to figure himself out and not hate himself anymore and realize that not everyone is gonna hurt him and he can put himself out there without being burned, and let him have a boyfriend yknow. imagine going the other route and it’s some un-evanlike guy who maybe isn’t Opposite him in the anxiety way and all super outgoing or anything but rather just finds it fairly easy to say whatever’s on his mind at any particular moment, whether it’s about Real Feelings or just some mundane observation or passing thought. the important part is that jared deserves a sweet boyfriendship

that’s a non-sad note to leave off on when the tldr is that it’s extra sad to think about jared just on his own Removed from evan. like, anyone would struggle with heartbreak, much less heartbreak plus losing a friend, plus that having been your only friend, plus how much he was already just overall struggling and desperate and really had no Good way of coping and couldn’t really reach out, just like the other seniors, classic. he just got to feel like his friendship hadn’t mattered and was gone and there was really no silver lining to it for him…i guess him or evan or alana could take solace in the fact that maybe tcp really does some concrete good but like, from jared’s perspective that’s so tied up in evan and his own heartbreak so, yknow. ugh. god