i forgive you

from me to me

to the girl i once was

i spent years floating in air. i didn’t know that those were my best years. mom still cared, dad was home, my dog laid beside me every night. my friends and i spent every afternoon running around, playing cops and robbers.

i’m here now, and you’re there, stuck. i know i’m not who you wanted to be. i’m not thin like we planned. dad doesn’t sleep in the room next door. mom isn’t our best friend anymore. our dog can’t even make it to the bed anymore.

i’m sorry. i’m so so sorry. you were such a beautiful child, robbed of her innocence too early. he had no right touching you the way he did. he hurt you, i know that. if no one else, i do. i wish i said something for you. i wish i’d protected you. i know that that’ll always haunt you and i’m sorry. i love you so so much.

it’s not all bad. those siblings you told santa you’d trade for a barbie doll? they’re here. annoying and sometimes upsetting, but they’re here. they still love you. you still love them. you cry sometimes. not a lot, you don’t like the way it makes you feel, but sometimes you just can’t help it.

you’re trying, and i see that. no one else does, but i do. you’ve got so much love to give. please don’t stop giving it.

if it makes you feel better, remember that aunt of ours? the short, wide hips, funny, tan beauty one? she’s our best friend now. she loves us even when she hates us a bit more. she’s there for us. she’s the first person you told about the abuse. you didn’t tell her who, but i think she knows. she was hurt too. she understands. she knows why you’re scared.

you’re not what anyone says you are. you’re funny and brave. you’re going to battle so so much but you’re going to be okay. you’re going to cry and beg for endless nights, but you’re going to be okay. you’re going to be a really good person with a heart so big all the right people will see.

i’m sorry they took the best things from you. they took your heart only to shatter. they took your innocence and burned it in hell. they took your confidence and dragged it through the dirt. they took away your voice baby, i’m sorry i let them. but time heals all. your heart will have nothing but a few dents. your innocence lies in your beauty, in your heart. your confidence comes back, slowly but surely, and once you learn to use that voice again, no one will ever take it away.

to the girl i once was,

i’m so proud of you. i love you. you’re not alone, i’m here.

Note2Self

Letting go of what hurt you can be the hardest thing. We fight for who we love, we fight for what we believe in. As a result, we often choose to see the best in those things. Waking up to the realization that what you thought was healthy was,in actuality, toxic is painful. We question ourselves, our surroundings, and everything we was a certainty. But sometimes we are not the problem. Realizing that someone doesn’t understand your worth doesn’t lessen your value. Leave behind anything that is diminishing you. Let go of what hurt you. Focus on learning the truth of who you are. Be Happy in your now.

I’m new

The last few months have been crazy .

I’ve been battling with my own demons , battling to feel good about myself again .

And giiiiirrrlls , I’ve got here.

I feel great about myself

I feel beautiful

I’m still trying to lose weight but the reasons are different .

I’m not doing it to prove to people that I am beautiful anymore .

“You’ve changed”

Yeah, I have changed. I am not the same crazy go lucky girl that used to live it up and go against my morals and rebel just for the fuck of it. I am not the sexy mysterious girl that used to swoon everyone I used to talk to. The stoner chick that smoked in her car and in her room everyday all day. The girl that wasn’t family oriented, that didn’t want kids.. I’m not the girl that didn’t expect anyone to want to take me home to their parents because I wasn’t good enough, I was too “out there”. I’m not the girl that used to see her girlfriends everyday, that used to spend all her money on personal shit and weed. I’m not the girl that used to care about her image so much. I’m not the selfish girl that only cared about herself and what other people thought of me. I’m not the girl that let people walk all over me, hurt me, and then brush it off like nothing ever happened. The list goes on, but I’m not her anymore. I’m new and improved. And some things not so improved. Some things down graded, some things that are upsetting. But you know what? I’m glad I’m the woman I am now. The mom I am now, the friend, the fiancé, the family member, the sister, the daughter, that I am now. I dont care what people think of me anymore. I dont worry about what I’m gonna do on Friday nights with my friends. What dumb drugs I can get into, or how many bottles of wine I should drink that night. I’m not “free wild” anymore. I finally care if I live or die. I do want more kids. I love my daughter more than anything. I worry for her. I spend my money on her. I work hard for her. For my family. I want to be a wife, I want my husbands family to like me. I am learning to cook better, I enjoy cleaning. I smoke less weed. I dont try as much on my appearance. My body isn’t “sexy” anymore. It’s not the same, it’s changed a lot. So have I meanlty. I’m not as happy and care free as I used to be. But I’m also not as angry and pushy either. I worry more, I say less. I am more emotional. I see my friends less, my friends have even changed completely. My morals have changed completely. My whole life has just as much as me. I have completely changed mentally, physically, emotionally so much that I’m even still trying to get used to it. Some days I dont love myself but I am still so proud of myself. For not giving up, for being a good mom, for being a good partner, being a good friend, a better daughter. The new me has been a hard pill to swallow. But I’m tired of hearing “I miss the old you” because sometimes I do too, but the old me will never come back. And it’s fine, I’m okay with excepting this new me even if it takes some time. This was meant to be my journey. And I’m finally inviting in change. I just wish for some reason it still didn’t hurt so bad hearing those words. Was I really better than I am before compared to now? Am I not doing as well as I thought I was? Have I changed more than I should? Some things you naturally can’t control though. Especially your mental and physical state after becoming a mother. But sometimes I try and dig deep down there to pull out the old parts of me.. and every time it gets harder. That’s just not me anymore. And I except it more by the day. I am happy to be who I am now for the most part. And I hope one day you are too.

to the broken me,

it’s okay. it’s okay that you have just spent the last hour crying, while the snow falls outside the window. usually a cheerful part of the day, but not now you’re broken. your best friend has decided you are too much, and you’re not close to many other people. i know you feel so alone and you’re in such a dark place. you’re careless now, you don’t want to live anymore - i get it. but just because this storm hit home a lot harder than most before it, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t live to see the sunshine once it’s over. hang on til then. go for walks, read good books, embrace nature and find your true self and seek what sets your soul on fire. whatever that might be, find it. discover yourself. discover your hobbies, what makes you happy, what clothes you like to wear, how you like to spend your time.. get tattoos, go on walks, listen to that podcast that has been in your library for months... read some poetry, write some even.... investigate your emotions and understand yourself. start living and not just numbly existing. please. it really will be okay, and that is all you have to keep telling yourself. one day you will read this back, and feel sad for how broken your heart was - but also grateful for fighting this particular storm, despite losing your umbrella. 

i am proud of you today, and will be when you come out shining too.

sincerely, 

the one part of me that wants to make it out of here alive. 

Are Pen Pals still a thing?

Well are they??!

Dear Alex,

Gusto kong balikan yung 5yrs ago self ko :( Sabihan na wag i-take for granted ang mga tao sa paligid niya. Pa-feel na importante sila. Pa-feel na na-aappreciate ko sila. Pa-feel na di ko kakayanin kapag wala sila. Kasi ang totoo, miss na miss ko na yung Alex 5 yrs ago :( pati na din yung mga taong part ng ganung phase sa buhay ko :(

Gusto ko nalang isiksik sarili ko sa tabi ng nanay at tatay ko :( o di kaya mga ate ko :( o kunin yung aso ko sa tulugan niya at tatabi ko sakin :(

Di ko alam bakit despite meron na ‘kong freedom ay mas pipiliin at pipiliin ko i-trade lahat mabalik lang sa dati yung buhay ko :(

Pwede ba balik nalang ako sa dati na hinihintay yung parents ko para umuwi na kami. Tatanong ko sa nanay ko ano ba gagawin or pano gawin ang bagay bagay :( Okay lang masermonan ako ng nanay ko kahit ilang ulit na basta alam ko magiging okay naman lahat. Pwede ba magla-late night talks nalang kami ng mga ate ko? Pwede ba magsleepover nalang yung mga pinsan ko? Pwede ba reunion nalang palagi? Pwede ba gawa nalang kami ng papee na due na next day? Pwede ba tambay nalang kami somewhere with friends? Pwede ba mag stream nalang ako ng kdramas or mga series? Kahit nung wala pang netflix, basta may torrent. Pwede ba may weekly allowance lang uli ako?

Siguro ito talaga plans ni Lord. Nilagay niya ko dito kasi may purpose. Di man ako sure kung ano yon pero tangina kelangan ko na talaga humingi ng enlightenment sa kanya. Lost na ako masyado. Di ko alam ano ba talaga gusto ko sa buhay. 🙏🏻

Kaya mo yan,

Alex

09212019, AA

Day 16 and 17.

Your heart isn’t in this entirely and it’s driving me crazy. I need to know you care. Why do you keep pushing me away and what happened to building? Our relationship almost feels nonexistent. You don’t know what to say and your hesitation speaks louder than anything you could’ve said.

I won't apologize for wanting reassurance though it may be selfish. I'm trying to ride, grow and stay with you. Let me know you. Let me love you.

Now Listening: LiSA - Ladybug. #lisa #lisaladybug #ladybug #runaway #anothergreatday #スプライス #gl #vivalamidala #ノンノン #letterstome #2021 #2021album #jpop #anison #rock #poppunk #nowlistening #nowplaying https://www.instagram.com/p/CPjWUISDf16/?utm_medium=tumblr

Day 3 🙈 I do not own a scale. I haven’t since I lived with my Mom in 2010. I don’t believe in numbers and how they make me feel so I refused to allow them to harm me. Don’t get me wrong I don’t fight it at the doctor but I also don’t look. I don’t want that feeling in my space. I wrote this as a comment earlier today but it feels fitting: We live in a society that has created a precedent that if you are not loved and excepted by others then how can you love yourself? This is a fallacy created by those desperate to extinguish light in the world. We. WE decide the level of love our soul hungers for. No one else. So feed it. Feed your soul. With daily affirmations (I have a message in my calendar that pops up everyday at 11:20 “You are enough” is the message I need) when I try on clothes and say “god you look horrible” I follow immediately with “you are so beautiful that even you can’t stand it lol” when I sit and eat way too much full of self loathing I remind myself that there is always tomorrow what do I need to work on that I am not? I take sexy pictures for MYSELF. I sing love songs solely for me. Perhaps I am schizophrenic or narcissistic but I don’t care. I love me exactly as I should. If I cannot set a line of respect towards myself how will others know how to treat me? You are beautiful and brave. I am so glad you are on this path with us. We got you boo 😘 @butiyoga #dare2barechallenge #letterstome #damndeliciouspasta #proveyoursweat #scalerevolution

March for our Lives

Years of being beaten over the head with “snowflake” and “millennials...” You can only be trodded on for so long until you come back swinging.

18 year old me,

In March of 2018, you will be inspired by a handful of 15-18-year-old students who are mad as hell and have decided that they are not going to take it anymore. In the past two to three years, the term “snowflake” will be a derogatory word intended to dismiss the concerns of the people who don’t agree with another person’s view on an issue. It means you’re sensitive and weak as if being sensitive is something to be made fun of. 

I usually don’t have a week go by where I haven’t heard the term millennial. It refers to those who were born and grew up around the turn of the century and it is used to categorize another generation by those who don’t understand and, frankly, don’t want to understand a younger generation.  I cringe every time I hear it. 

Years of these two terms being thrown at younger people combined with at least one high school shooting every week have become a rallying cry for students and young adults as well as older youth and adults.  Today we’re witnessing thousands upon thousands of people march and rally for common sense gun laws. 

I know you hate guns. You come by it because your mom hated them. That will change.  One evening you will go with your boyfriend and your boyfriend’s parents and you will shoot at a range.  After getting over the initial shock of guns going off all around you and the sound that scares you every time, you will find out that you are, actually, a very good shooter.  You hit your targets and you have really good groupings.  You will start to change your tune about guns and you will even save up to purchase one to have in the house. You will also carry a concealed permit when you grow up. 

Your future self will not want to ban all guns. Your future self will want to enact gun laws that will help to lower the deaths of other adults and children.  

I have so much more to tell you but, for now, know that you are inspired, on this day, by a handful of students who are mad as hell and will surely change this country. 

#letterstome Today’s blog is a letter written to myself at the age of 19. A very powerful letter. #fromvictimtovictorious

Nobody can tell you what your truth is. Only you know what that truth is. Nobody can tell you how you should be. Only you know who you are. Stop letting people control your life they dont always if at all know whats best for you. Listen to yourself. Let your soul guide you no more turning your back yourself. Its time to embace who you've always been.

Letter To Myself

I know it's not easy. I know how hard it is to fight in an endless war and a losing battle. I know how badly you want to quit already. I have lost count on how many times you've experience heartaches from everyone. I know it's really hard to be alone, to feel like you're on your own. But please never give up. This isn't the end. The pain will stop eventually so please hold on, brave soul. Everything will be okay in the end, if it doesn't, it isn't the end.

Love,

Me

Sometimes I write pep talks to me. You will just have to deal with it ok? #writeitdown #write #writersofinstagram #writeforlove #peptalk #letterstome #shewrites