When I say I "can't talk to people," I mean many things. It's a gross oversimplification of a very complicated set of circumstances, some of which are not always present. I'm trying to rid my vernacular of it, but it seems to be what people (those less inclined to understand) understand best.

It would take many things going wrong for me to actively try not to talk to a friend. The extenuating circumstances required for me to not enjoy listening to a friend talk would be not fully understood by me, myself. For people I don't know well or at all, general nervousness about performing for them can get in the way of initiating, but I would only attempt escape from the conversation if I felt they were only talking to me out of courtesy. Of course, I could be wrong in my assessment, but that's always the case. At least I made a judgement, no matter how flawed.

When I say I "can't talk to people," I mean I lack the mental faculties (space, speed, depth of knowledge, experience) to adequately respond to their recent comments with comments of my own which move the conversation forward in a non-trivial manner. That's a mouthful, even for me. I would love to be this verbose, but even this statement "requires" clarification. Everything I say "requires" clarification, including this. By putting "requires" in quotes, I intend to instill a sense of self-percieved falsehood in the word. Whenever I give a statement about myself, I feel "required" to add to it, since I feel that if the listener has not only an inadequate view of me as a person, but could have garnered a wholly incorrect view, too. I value the listener's opinion too much to be "okay" with them having an opinion of me that could be built off misinterpretations.

When I'm nervous about my ability to perform (entertain, be useful, etc) for someone, I slip back into an unfortunate pattern of treating the conversation as turn-based combat. Every word they say becomes ammunition for the next thing i say. I struggle heavily to rekindle or start conversations, since my inspiration is simply extinct. It isn't a skill I have. I don't know where to start, I don't know to just... Think of something to say to them. If I say something random, purely random, that wouldn't work, because all I think about is either things I want to do that I dont think they'd enjoy or just straight up pleasing them. Even if I picked something from our surroundings to comment on, I fear I'll be seen as desperate (which I most definitely am). If I told them the whole truth of me being nervous and not knowing what to talk about since I just want them to like talking to me so that they talk to me more in the future... I dont know, I just don't know if the other person wants me to be that vulnerable to them. They didn't ask for it, and they sure as hell haven't been vulnerable to me.

All of this discordant ranting, just to explain why I'm not trying to talk to people. The view from outside shows someone isolating himself. The view from inside shows too much deliberation to come to an actual conclusion. This isolation isn't on purpose. It's like learning how to walk while your legs change shape ever couple seconds.

'Sup, I'm Lavender

I have several other blogs for more important things, all of my pursuits have been organized. My thoughts on my life are now categorized (or should I say, archived) among monikers depicting pokemon graveyards. Anything I have to say should be able to fit in one of those buckets.

So I thought. I've been so caught up in useless depression and loneliness that I failed to recognize that I may want to interact with others. Crazy shit, right? Especially for someone as desperate for human contact as I am.

So here's my blog dedicated to reblogs, discourse, and just... people stuff. Feel free to actually message me in any format, anywhere. Just because I categorize my posts doesn't mean I want to categorize people.

Main: Lavender Tower

Gridlocked and stymied, roadblocked and static, A standstill so bad that we’d have to cuss, They thought the word “traffic,” almost telepathic, And a new god was born, named Trafikus.

The patron of impasse, the deadlocking deity, Wherever there’s blockage, that’s his fault, Hated by all because none owe him fealty, Since the best way to pray is to halt.

Born minutes ago, exploring his power, He said “moving? No thanks” On a whim. Though none noticed, traffic stood still for an hour As if it were nothing to him.

“What else can I stop up?” He hopped up a pole. The cell service flickered and died. He jumped in a router, the queue became full No message accepted inside.

“My assets are frozen” “I’m too constipated.” “My valves are all closin” “I’m tired.” As the blockages faded, dispersed, dissipated, None worked, or even got fired.

Why let things progress? It caused him distress, To let earth continue its functions. But with earth at rest, he lost all his zest, His power lied only at junctions.

With nobody moving, there’s no roads to close. In stagnance, there’s nowhere to play. With traffic improving, he reopened flows:  “Screw ‘blocking’. I’ll stick to ‘delay.’”

This new god, Trafikus, learned his new roles. So when you next experience traffic, In freeways, in game lag, intestines, or head colds, Cuss loud, and heartfelt, and graphic.

Something small and spooky for Drawtober! Pumpkaboo used shadow sneak!

Haunted house headcanon plus comic

Uh oh!

The Doctor

Had an

Accident

How's Vigert's job as a forest ranger? It's really different from being a cowboy

It helps him reconnect with his past, he gets to work with animals, and he gets to enforce the "law" in the forest. Generally, he just patrols the area, making sure no poachers are around, and helping the wildlife if they're hurt.

individual panels below

Haunter and Gengar laughing at TV 📺

Episode 23: “The Tower of Terror (Part 2)” in Pokémon: Indigo League (1998) 👻

Ghost Pokemon Dyed Soft Enamel Pins! Now available on my Etsy!

One week on the Edge server, season 3.

Being "meek," "shy," or "quiet" does not come naturally to me. It's not instinct, it's a response. Normally, I'd love to be talkative, outgoing, and assertive, but given any amount of time, I will find a reason not to.

I can do the stock "self-deprecating fool" play quite often, which is to not speak up when a question is asked of a group that I'm a part of. My reasoning will be "no one wants my opinion anyways." When someone doesn't call on me specifically, I can then know "see? No one wanted to hear me." despite the crowd being large, or the time being limited.

I will always caution myself against being too assertive. I figure I'm already pushing the limits of my friends' hospitality by just being here. I've developed heuristics to keep me in check. I want to say everything that's on my mind. In a group of 4 or more people, by the time I have the confidence to speak up, the message I'm commenting on will no longer be the topic.

It may look like I'm not talkative. I am extremely talkative, I just know that people don't want to listen to me. Who would? Just read my posts. These aren't actually easy to stomach, I'd assume. This is the shit I feel the need to talk about. Sometimes I'll be extra enthusiastic about Pokemon or MTG and want to talk for hours about that. Sometimes I'll talk about anything I can, just to make someone want to stay longer. That's usually not how it works, though. They leave quick just the same. They don't text me just the same.

paris babes

Oh The ex marks the spot  Where the absence takes the shot Tie the knot or make make him absent Cuz he's all that you got

Fall from heaven straight to hell Tired thoughts can treat you well Start to dream and yell and shriek Apart, but with him you fell

Oh The ex marks the spot  Where the absence takes the shot Tie the knot or make make him absent Cuz you're all that he's got

He's afraid, he's alone He wont make his feelings known Not since his home has left with the ceiling Leaving him pounded and drowned on his own

Oh The ex marks the spot  Where the absence takes the shot Tie the knot or make make him absent You each are what The other is not

A couple of scuffles, or bends or breaks Get back together, for both of your sakes A couple mistakes just makes for growth For each of the exes, the more time it takes

Hi it’s been a while, but have father and daughter, I’m also remaking Mozza so stay tuned for that

out of curiosity; in replies/tags, tell me what location in pokemon games is one that you "hang out" in, by which I mean visit and spend time in for reasons completely unrelated to gameplay or story. Just a spot where you go to enjoy the music, or admire a certain town design, or nostalgic memories, anything like that.