In order of creation, Lavender tower (art I'm ashamed of), Lavender tower again (art I'm not ashamed of), and Celestial tower

As I lose my latest hyperfixation on Fallout 4 (one of my favorite games ever, I've played over 60 hours in the past couple weeks, mostly condensed in the last couple days), I scramble to find something else to fill my life.

I can't cut, since my partner will most definitely see the slits everywhere. I can't play video games, I have no money to buy new ones and I have no drive to play the ones I have. I can't jerk off since (I think) the Sertraline is fucking over my libido.

I've started tagging the crosswalk buttons, as my new weird hobby. I've put up stickers with shitty art on them, with two lines of a poem I'm still writing on each. Maybe I'll attach pics. I don't know.

There's only three so far. I'm having fun making them, and every time I see them, I get a little pleasure knowing I can put myself out there while never revealing my face.

I wonder if I'll get caught. It takes a lot of privacy to put them up, since the stickers are about four inches in diameter. Additionally, the sharpie might not stick like I want it to, since it's rainy as hell in Seattle. I stress tested the sharpie in water, and the sticker still sticks, but it gets more fragile when wet. I'll do more testing sometime, but this five dollar roll of 200 stickers is all I've got right now.

hey it’s the same anon

just wanted to let you know i think this blog is a sick idea (like keeping a public record of your thoughts n shit) and i have decided to keep one too

one anon two anon what anon? who?

thats what blogs are s'posed to do

link it if ya want ta share

reblog, dm, comment, anywhere

hey man i don’t know if this matters to you but i read a lot of your posts and they made me feel less alone. i relate to a lot of the shit you’re going thru

Oh hell yeah. That's my secondary goal, my primary one being "Leave behind a record" and my tertiary one being "talk to people." I'm glad I can make someone's life a lil better, especially if I can convince them that they are far from alienated. Yes this matters to me.

That said, I'm selfish and hypocritical. While I certainly want to Leave, I'll be damned if I just let someone else think life's not worth living. The world will be a better place with you in it. You know how I know? You made my day better. On the other hand, I know that you may have decided that *your* life will be better if it ends. I have, it's not so foreign. I'll still try to fight you to stick around. Under no circumstances will I ever condone someone else dying.

I'm really happy you found someone to relate to. It's just unfortunate that it happened to be me, specifically the side of me I present here.

i hope you’re doing better

Hehe, "doing better" than I was when you asked? "Doing better" than normal? "Doing better" than I want to be? I don't know. My sense of time is so stunted that I can hardly remember how I was last week. I do know I'm currently unwell. I'm eating starburst (good) for breakfast (bad), talking to someone (nice) anonymous (less nice), watching youtube (cool) while procrastinating my assignment due in 3 hours which I haven't started (very uncool).

It matters less how I'm actually doing and more how I see my current self. I'm very persuasive when it comes to myself, unfortunately. The way I fix that is I just distract myself to the point of not thinking at all.

"When did it start?"

Fuck this question. I've heard it too many times this year, and it's never an easy answer. Nothing has a discrete "start" point. I've always been "this way," it's just gotten worse. It always "starts" at an undetectably small amount, slowly ramping up until someone notices that I've "changed." I'm always changing, I'm just changing too slowly for anyone to see it.

When did I start being autistic? I don't fucking know. Now that I'm officially diagnosed, most of my childhood makes sense. I've always sorta been "like that."

When did my social anxiety show its disgusting head? I certainly didn't start with it. I used to be a very very outgoing person up until I was 10. Doing school online messed my social skills up, since I could only interface with people through a chatroom for 8 years. When I got to high school, in person, I discovered how stupidly nervous I was about everyone's opinion of me, constantly, incessantly. Something happened. It didn't just "start."

When did I learn to love hiding things from people? I learned from an early age to put absolutely zero trust in any family member, under any circumstances, so rather early. It started out as a hobby when I decided to play games on my computer instead of doing my homework (or after everything was done, but before I let my overbearing mother know). It became a necessity when I started watching pr0n at 10 years old. I consumed waaaaay too much of it. I knew it then, and I know it now. I'm glad I stopped. Even now, I hide minute things (like mood swings) and giant things (my urge to Leave) from select few people and everyone respectively. It's like a stealth mission. The adrenaline doesn't stop.

When did I first start wanting to Leave? That's tough. I first realized it two or so years ago, after I talked my partner down from Leaving for the second time. Now, I see that my tendencies started way before then. My complete inability to see/plan my own future has always been a major hinderance. My impulsive and reckless decisions hadn't been fatal or near fatal before, but I certainly sabotaged myself way too often. I set myself up for failure, not because I wanted to hurt, but because I didn't care about facing the consequences. I always knew the consequences (usually, more so as I got older). Even now, I know that most of the decisions I make are for the path I don't intend to follow. I've been skipping class. I could fail. Do I give a shit? Why would I? Corpses can't pass anyways.

As I lose my latest hyperfixation on Fallout 4 (one of my favorite games ever, I've played over 60 hours in the past couple weeks, mostly condensed in the last couple days), I scramble to find something else to fill my life.

I can't cut, since my partner will most definitely see the slits everywhere. I can't play video games, I have no money to buy new ones and I have no drive to play the ones I have. I can't jerk off since (I think) the Sertraline is fucking over my libido.

I've started tagging the crosswalk buttons, as my new weird hobby. I've put up stickers with shitty art on them, with two lines of a poem I'm still writing on each. Maybe I'll attach pics. I don't know.

There's only three so far. I'm having fun making them, and every time I see them, I get a little pleasure knowing I can put myself out there while never revealing my face.

I wonder if I'll get caught. It takes a lot of privacy to put them up, since the stickers are about four inches in diameter. Additionally, the sharpie might not stick like I want it to, since it's rainy as hell in Seattle. I stress tested the sharpie in water, and the sticker still sticks, but it gets more fragile when wet. I'll do more testing sometime, but this five dollar roll of 200 stickers is all I've got right now.

I'm really fucking hungry but I really fucking don't want to eat. What is this sorcery

I have a mountain of tasty food in front of me. I just. Don't wanna

Might've fucked up.

I've kept this in the reserves for a little too long, mostly because I'm lazy. I was talking to JH on my way to class (we went on a quest to get her an energy drink) and we started talking about unusual shit.

We were talking about getting onto the roof of our apartment, and how I've tried but the door is locked. She said it's the same across most of the dorms, probably to prevent people from jumping off. I replied, that's probably not it, I mean, look at the Sine building (the Sinegal building is massive, with a vertical cut through the 6 floors, allowing for a 6-story drop to the ground below) and look at the student center (a similar construction, with 3 massive floors for an equivalent 7-story drop).

Immediately, she said "huh." It took her a second to realize that I didn't mean "look at these buildings, they're so pretty, who would want to kill themself?" I instead meant "Jumping from these buildings is so much easier than going to a random rooftop."

She followed with "Oh." After a pause (I couldn't see her facial expression, I was trying not to look at her because I get distracted by how cute she is), She added "These are a fair distance away, though."

I almost countered: "You think that's gonna stop people? It doesn't stop me." I'm glad I didn't. That would have been a fuckup of major proportions. Instead, I stopped myself, and said "That's where my expertise ends."

What a dumbass thing to say. I'm trying to dissuade analysis on her part, but I say something that needs a follow-up, without following up. That's not where my expertise ends. I am much more involved in these decisions than anyone should be. I shouldn't have implied I have any experience in the first place. That's fucking stupid.

The conversation stagnated. We eventually moved on to other things. Having been distracted by JH's... everything (cute, small, nice), I failed to remember her struggles with suicidal ideation in the past. I don't know how long ago it was, but it was still something she'd been through. I wish I could have related to her out loud, but I can't risk anyone finding out.

I'm just stupid. Myopic. Too focused on shit that I can't get, like more friendship with JH. I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that she does not want to be better friends with me. She's fine where we're at, and I'm not, and I'm too pussy to risk our already slim friendship for an even slimmer chance it could be more. Yeah, I want to fuck her, yeah, I want to cuddle her, but she's just a really fun person to talk to. I'll take what I can get, even if I'm left starving.

Something I do, that I'm not fond of, is ignore people I know. I rarely do it, but when I do, it's because I notice them as I walk outside. It's like I don't want the responsibility of initiation. I don't want to be held accountable for how the interaction goes. I feel that if they notice me, and say "what's up," then they were given the chance to ignore me too and chose not to (either that or they never saw me). This accountability is stupid and I hate it but that doesn't stop me from obsessing over it.

It happened today, it happened yesterday, it happened the day before. It keeps happening with H and AB (idk her last name). It happens too often. It's so easy to fix, too. I just panic.

One of my fondest memories is that of me sitting at E's house, between my partner and JH, before drinking myself into an inebriated stupor. Both of their heads were resting against mine. My arms were around both of them. I was happy. Not only was I elated, but I was conscious of just how special it was.

There aren't too many memories I have that are "good." That's not how my memory works. 98% of the time, I see something, recognize it, and know my next steps (like "oh wait I've been here before, there's a nice coffee shop a block away"). The other 2% is spontaneous memories. Memories which show up regardless of relevance.

I've had my partner on my lap or leaning against me or hugging me countless times. I love every one of them. They've ghosted me only several times. Those times are what stand out. They're rare.

I've had JH ghost me countless times. I malign myself every single day it happens. She's laid on my lap or leaned against me or hugged me only several times. Those times are what stand out. They're rare.

I don't want to remember. I love having the knowledge that it happened, but I hate that it gives me hope. I don't want to have hope. In this context, hope is a pipe dream. I have no chance of getting what I want. I'm gonna fucking try because I'm a complete dumbass. I've been fucking trying because I'm a complete dumbass. Hell, I tried today, and she said she's busy today, she can't work on the homework with me. Just like that, I'm so depressed I can't even do the homework on my own. I barely left the house today. I skipped class. I almost skipped all my meals. This is what hope gives me.

I don't want hope. I want to be happy.

It feels weird to write a suicide note. This entire collection of blogs is sort of a suicide note, so summing it up into one concise letter isn't going to ever be satisfactory. I'll just be linking this account along with my inst*gr*m account.

I did properly write one recently, when I was doing exceptionally awful. My partner was mad at me cuz I drank, etc. Now we're getting high together tomorrow and they have no problem with it. That argument could have been avoided if they didn't A. threaten to cut themself after I drank (without telling me their plans beforehand) B. use my enjoyment of drinking as justification to cut or C. withhold just how triggering it was that I was drinking. I didn't know how big of a deal it was, not for lack of investigation. They just didn't want to tell me. They just wanted to cut again, after being 300+ days clean. I hate it, but I can't blame them. Life is hard and blood is red and flesh is weak and we are not mentally stable. Acknowledging one means learning another.

To JH:

Upon my swift and timely death, no matter the method,

I bequeath to you the first pick of muscle, fat, and bone from my corpse. It may be for any purpose, preferably to eat. I wasn't kidding when I said I'd give you my body so a vegan could eat meat. Once you're done selecting, grabbing, and roasting (please cook me, raw meat is bad, silly vegan) please let my body be donated to science or whatever. You're under no compulsion to do so, you can have it all if you really want. Share it. It's yours now.

No one is to stop you. I, P.T.S., don't want anyone getting in your way. More accurately, I don't want them disrespecting my wishes, but my dumbass family is likely to stop you and everyone else from doing what I ask of everyone but them. To my younger brother, mother, and father, respectfully piss off. To my older brother, it's not like you tried to stay in our lives anyways.

I'd recommend you choose my rear first, so I can have you eat my ass, just like I tell everyone to do. Again, that's your choice, I'm only saying this for the joke. Similarly, you could keep a fragment of my skull, so I could give you some head. Just like I've always wanted.

Petty theft is difficult.

I tried stealing from the nearby QFC recently. It didn't go as planned, but I didn't really "get caught." I just miscalculated how "tight" security measures are. It's not that the "guards" are eagle-eyed, I just flubbed the self-checkout portion.

I grabbed some cheese and spices along with my normal groceries. As I went to buy the shit, I just scanned one of two cheeses and put two in the second (weighted scale) area. A little notification asked, "Did you scan what you just put there?" (not verbatim), sensing that what I placed did not weigh what I scanned. I bonked the scale. It went away.

I did the same with one of two spice containers. Same deal. It sensed two, asked for clarification, and stopped asking when I whacked the metal plate they rested on.

As I enter the discount cheat code (4444444444 instead of a normal QFC member phone number), the screen is covered by a notification reading "Help is on the way." Help I didn't ask for. I start sweating a little.

The dude who came over (who, coincidentally, was the one who told me the cheat code two months ago ish) scanned the employee card, counted 9 items, saw 7 checked out, and said "you forgot the cheese... and one other." I scanned the cheese and made a show of finding which spice (nutmeg) I didn't buy. He went away, and I spent 50 bucks on food.

My lesson was to not go for expensive shit, even if its small. I fucked up by grabbing high-risk low reward items. I didn't need spices. I didn't need two cheeses. That's expensive. I also need to hide the shit better, instead of just letting it sit there on the scale. Either that or I need to buy items of equivalent weight, but that seems harder. Next time I'm bringing a jacket or some shit. And going when it's light out, instead of 10:00 p.m.

Why do this in the first place? First, I'm strapped for cash and food. I don't want to ask for more money, so I have to make this stretch. I don't want my mom or dad auditing the 25$ I spent on video games this month.

Second, JH mentioned how easy it is to steal from grocery stores. I wanted to try, both to save money and impress her eventually. Now I want to do it because of the challenge. It's hard. I need to get better.

I went out drinking with my friends last night. The booze tasted like shit but it did the job. I got drunk, I danced, I fell over a lot while dancing, I had a good time. I haven't paid my friend back for the drinks and meal but I will sometime. I don't have a reason not to do it. I just feel like doing nothing right now.

My partner's hella pissed at me. They said they're not mad but I don't trust them to tell me the truth on this. They know I can't handle them being mad at me.

Unfortunately, I also can't handle them cutting themself, which is what they really really want to do. Their justification is that I'm poisoning myself, so that means they can cut themself.

First off, they don't know that I'm also... slicing into my skin. Second off, They're 300 days clean. Third off, I'm not drinking to self harm. Fourth off, alcohol doesn't leave so much of a mark. In low doses, it leaves none at all.

They're currently waiting on a response from me. I don't know what to say. I want to Leave. I don't know if I have the mental fortitude to. My head hurts, my assignments are due, my partner keeps hinting at breaking up with me, I'm alone. I don't know what to say to them. I don't know if I can keep them A. uncut and B. with me. I can't even do that for myself.

I celebrated my 21st birthday recently. I had a party a week after the fact, 7 people showed up:

JH, looking as beautiful as always,

E, wearing the stupidest and funniest shorts ever,

AH, smelling like shit unfortunately and being as funny as ever,

A, being his normal shy self,

WH, arriving late and slightly drunk,

WM, arriving early and getting high quickly,

L, JH's partner, looking adorable and stylish.

We made pizza. Lots of it. So much of it. 7 mini-pizzas (two for E, none for L), a cake which I baked with JH who came two hours early, and people brought booze which my partner forbade me from drinking. They didn't even come. They were pissed at me for wanting to drink and didn't want to be around more than one person anyways.

I don't have a point to this. I had a good time. I wanted to let you, the reader, know that my life isn't all su!c!d@l ideation and self harm and pain and depression and anxiety. Yeah, those all have been pretty fucking prevalent these past weeks, but it's not 100% of the time. Just most of the time, about 90%. I'm going out drinking with most of those people on saturday, after my partner drops me off. I might wait on Leaving until then. I hope I do.

I got diagnosed with both autism and social anxiety disorder recently. I would have gotten diagnosed with ADHD as well, but the diagnoser lady said that's not in the college policy.

I feel better about myself now. I have stopped holding myself to the standards of normal people. It's not like I suddenly don't hate myself, but I don't really go looking for explanations of why I do what I do anymore. I'm just autistic.

Why did I always make sure my step count on discrete surfaces was a power of two as a child, always tapping floors with my feet to make sure it was such? Autism. No real reason.

Why do I struggle so much to talk to people? Anxiety. My mind goes too fast in directions I don't like.

Why do I want to Leave so badly? I don't know, probably both. I've been taking my exacto knife to my inner elbows the past couple of days, practicing for my last bath. I have the Oxy ready and everything.

I'm sick of living. I don't know how much longer I'll last.

I'm taking a class with JH now. J as well, but he seems much more detached, as has been reported by my other friends too. The class (computer graphics) is hilariously fun, with weekly assignments that I may start working on alongside JH. She's finally talking to me again, albeit only when we're in person, walking home.

While in class, I have trouble staying awake. I don't mean "I'm a little tired" or "my eyes droop," I mean "I have to fight for my consciousness, my eyes unfocus and my mind shuts down, forcing me to keep them open manually." It's not nearly as bad in my other class. There are two reasons I see for this.

One: I don't have my computer in front of me. The teacher dislikes it when people are staring at something besides his lecture, so as a sign of respect to him, I put it away. I don't need to be occupied, since this class is super interesting anyways. However, my brain still craves stimulant. I believe this deficit may be enough to force my brain to shut down.

Two: I really really really like JH and want to sleep in her arms. This may sound cliche and sappy and stupid, and it certainly is. I wish I didn't crave her still with the fervor I haven't lost in a year. Regardless, she has the same effect on me as my partner: I just feel tired around them. They make me relaxed physically, but my partner (usually) conversely makes me mentally relaxed as well. JH makes me panic. I care too much about what she thinks of me. J, sitting next to me, is perfect for just shooting off stupid jokes to. I comfortably say more colloquial and less forced comments to him, contrasting greatly with my comparatively stiff responses to JH. I really fucking want to be comfy. I'm just too worried about whether she likes me or not in any capacity.