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icannotgetoverbirds · 1 month

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Severe fucking content warning

Content warning for literal fucking torture and abuse. everything else should be tagged. If I miss any content warnings please for the love of all that is holy tell me so I can fix it.

Psychological torture. Those are the words bouncing around my head this morning.

Did you know that sleep deprivation and social isolation are often considered to be tied for the worst tortures known to humankind?

Let me give you some more context. When I left mormonism, I lost everything in regards to my social safety net. Mormonism and my mormon friends and family were all I had.

It's by design, too; how is someone supposed to leave if their only safety net disappears when they do? Why would they even consider leaving if that safety net holds them perfectly because they can conform?

But when you can't conform, you fall through the cracks. As I did.

I didn't just lose everything, though. I didn't stop there. I also gained a neighborhood full of watchdogs who I was sure would herd me back to the cult at the first opportunity.

Going outside on foot was no longer an option - if any of my many mormon neighbors saw me, they would have Questions. If I gave any worrying answers, there was bound to be Visits. I wasn't strong enough to handle that.

Besides, I lived in suburban hell. Fifteen minutes just to get out of the neighborhood on foot, another fifteen to get to the nearest gas station. My depressed, broke self wasn't about to spend an hour walking for a round trip to the fucking gas station when I could barely handle doing my own laundry.

So I was trapped inside the house unless my parents or someone else with a car deigned to bring me with them on a trip. But it was fine at first, because I had an internet connection and multiple online friends; plus, I'd managed to forge one irl friendship with someone between deconverting and graduating high school.

My parents weren't happy about this for some reason (I have a working theory as to why and I'll get to it later). Their justification was that it was just generally bad for me to be spending as much time online as I was.

Of course, I wasn't doing great mentally, but they refused to believe that they could be at fault for that with their "mild" transphobia. Surely refusing to accept my newfangled, sinful identity on the basis of a false moral high ground couldn't possibly be the most significant source of my suffering; surely deadnaming and misgendering me couldn't be doing that much damage.

Surely refusing to assist the transitioning process in any way shape or form couldn't be a good enough reason for suicidal ideation. Surely I was just an undermedicated psycho for considering lighting myself on fire just to get them to understand my pain enough to... help me with the process of buying a binder with my own money.

Surely I just needed to get my act together and get over myself.

So, ever since that psych ward visit that treated me better than they did, they decided that I could only have internet access if I did enough of my chores around the house.

Doesn't sound too unreasonable until you remember that 99% of my friends were online. I tried telling them this, and their response was to encourage me to get back in touch with my old ward member friends. You know, from the cult I had just escaped. That, granted, my parents were still very much a part of.

(Remember that theory I was telling you about? That little tidbit is an important piece of evidence.)

So I was cut off from the world with significant regularity, having nothing but a flip phone to contact the one supportive friend whose phone number I had. That friend kept me alive and sane enough to stay that way for nearly a year as this hell dragged on.

At some point, my brother and his girlfriend moved back in with us. I guess they weren't a fan of all the sinning I was doing, because my parents had multiple talks with me about how I needed to give them more space (aka stop existing in the same room as them).

So, eventually, I was all but confined to my bedroom, since I could never sit them down to have a conversation about what times I was allowed to be downstairs and what times they would be occupying that space.

This all built up to the breaking point. I had just developed a new medical condition that left me basically bedbound in pain. I was forced out of bed anyways, because nobody was going to take care of me (probably due to the nature of the condition being considered 'sinful'). I did what I could as I could, as I always have.

There had been a misunderstanding about chores. My brother and his girlfriend were in charge of one bathroom, i was in charge of the other. Except I thought I was in charge of the wrong one. So while the downstairs bathroom stayed clean (despite me not doing much to maintain it), the upstairs bathroom became absolutely filthy.

It all came to a head when my brother yelled at me to take care of my responsibility. I finally figured out what had happened and explained to him why I hadn't been doing it, as well as why I wasn't about to start until I could actually, you know, stay standing for any significant amount of time. He yelled at me more and threatened to tell our mom.

I told him to go ahead, as any rational person would take one look at the situation and agree that I needed to rest. My only mistake was assuming that my mom retained any rationality for me.

So she called me and attempted to chew me out. mind you, i was ill and in debilitating pain already, so I put my foot down and asked her to save it for later. But I knew what was coming when she said we were going to "have a conversation" when she got home. She was going to take away my flip phone to force me to do as I was told.

My flip phone, 99% of the use for which was to call my one and only friend that i could access. My one and only friend who was the sole support in my life. The only person, the only thing keeping me sane.

That was going to be it for me. If she did that (and she'd done it before, so there was precedent), I was going to fucking kill myself.

So I locked her out of my room that night and tried to get a good night's rest in preparation for what would have to happen in order for me to survive.

At about 4 in the morning the next day, I packed up everything that i could carry and i walked out the door.

Every single thing I have been through since that day has been worth it to get out of that hell. I am still homeless over a year later and the only thing I wish I did different was to leave sooner and prepare better. Maybe get a nice duffel bag and do my laundry first instead of hauling all my dirty clothes in trash bags. I could've saved myself a lot of trouble by getting my documents together beforehand.

anyways. Befoer I came out as trans and not a mormon, my mother seemed fully supportive - or at least, like she was supporting me as much as she was capable of doing.

Afterwards? She never looked at me the same way again.

And so I have to wonder how two changes to my identity and lifestyle could wrench her away from kindness like that. How they could possibly cause such a significant change in how she treated me.

Here's the working theory.

Mormons prey on vulnerable people. Their missionaries are literally told to seek out the meek and weary and poor to "give them rest." This is also how they bring people back - they find out which inactive members are struggling without their safety net (which they often remove for the sin of inactivity/deconversion/etc) and those are the ones that they grasp at to try and bring back. Those are the ones that they reach out to, that they check in on.

So, how better to take advantage of someone's vulnerability than to make them vulnerable yourself? How better to make them vulnerable than to take away all of their safety nets? How better to tear them from their sin than to tear their sinful friends from them?

How better to break an apostate than to back them into a corner and bring in the walls? How better to turn someone towards your god than to give them no other choice except to be crushed?

And if they'd rather die than return to Jesus, well, then, at least you're sending them straight to the afterlife. Then they'll HAVE to see the truth. Then they'll HAVE to repent.

After all, all my mother needs to do to keep our family together forever is to keep me righteous. She already gave me a body. What loss is the rest of my life compared to the rest of eternity?

Better to die young than to live in sin. Better to be forced to come to Jesus than to choose to live free of him.

She wasn't a bumbling fool incapable of listening to me when I told her she was hurting me. She knew exactly what she was doing.

She abused me, TORTURED me, entirely on purpose. Entirely for the purpose of bringing me back to her god.

I have been tortured. I have experienced psychological torture. I probably have fucking brain damage from said psychological torture.

https://solitarywatch.org/wp-content/uploads/2023/06/SW-Fact-Sheet-5-Neurological-Effects-v230613.pdf

So, all that said, is it any wonder that I thought the streets would be better? Is it any wonder that I never want to see her again unless it's to use her grave as a gender neutral bathroom?

She nearly killed me. I think that was an acceptable outcome to her, too.

Certainly, the last thing she expected was for me to put my back to one wall and my feet to another and clamber out of that trap she made. Should've put a roof on it, I guess.

Anyways. If it seems like I've been less online/chipper than usual, it's because I've spent the past week coming to terms with this shit.

I love you all so, so much. Thanks for being there for me. Here's to staying alive; to escaping the trap; to finding our own families and leaving our abusers behind in the dust.

Here's to all of you. Y'all were worth the trouble of being homeless, easily.

#byrd chirps #byrd's business #cw abuse #cw torture #cw captivity #cw isolation #cw cults #cw cult abuse #cw religion #cw religious trauma #exmo #exmormon #byrd is an exmo #cw ableist language #cw self harm mention #cw suicidal ideation #cw psych ward #okay to rb #cw homelessness #oh and this isn't even mentioning that they pulled the money card after that psych ward visit #literally they were like #'okay sweetie we're gonna pay for it this time but Next Time this happens you need to Show Some Responsibility and pay for it yourself'#which was the tipping point for me realizing that me not making it out of there alive was a perfectly acceptable option to them #because i know them and they may be stupid #but they're not stupid enough to believe that forcing me to pay for my psych ward visits would keep me from needing the psych ward #mind you these people are affording rent on a very nice 4 bedroom suburban house #and they keep fucking guilting me about how much money i'm costing them?#anyways. it was fucked up.#the worst part is i honestly think the lack of acceptance was more painful than the social isolation #if they hadn't isolated me i still don't know if i would've been able to tolerate their transphobia

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andragoras-in-vanity · 6 months

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"you look unwell lately"

water is wet mom. its because i am.

#she doesnt believe me its living in the house that's causing the issues thatre leading to my deline #im weak again from lack of nutrition but i cant afford to order food #plus im never awake early enough anyway #i just want good food but i cant cook here i cant bake im so tired

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artificial-condition · 1 year

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Ignoring the person you’re upset with and refusing to tell them what you’re mad about and withdrawing from everyone is not a healthy way to express anger or upset. It makes everyone around you miserable and isn’t productive in any way

#my thoughts #vague posting about my parents #it’s hell trying to avoid when they’re like this because you never know when they’re gonna blow up #it’s SHIT #COMPLETE SHIT #and it makes me so angry #because I could be having a fine time. I could be fine #but instead my nerves are shot and I’m anxious as hell #and I would move out for this reason alone. but I can’t. I can’t afford it nor do I want to live in an apartment.#so I feel desperately stuck #fingers crossed I get a full time promotion sometime soon so I can save up to eventually buy a house #it’s important for my mental health that I have an environment with emotional stability #because I CANT TAKE THIS ANYMORE #might delete later #I’ve made so much progress on treating myself better physically and it’s gone out the window the past couple days #because I’m so anxious #I’ve done better today #trying to get back on track #because not eating until shaky and eating things that lack nutritional value makes it worse #and not drinking water also

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asyourshadowfalls · 10 months

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just got told in less than an hour some fucks want to tour the house....should i just happen to leave the tv on with the title screen on for get out?

#i just wanna be a bitch #because the ones who were supposed to come earlier #where i did spend a lovely 2 hours walking the parks because i couldn't be here #DIDNT EVEN FUCKING SHOW UP #and now these guys? just lack of any control is killing me #also fuck anyone able to drop 460+k on a house that just 3 years ago was only 200k #(and also fuck my parents for being able to afford this but i live here rent free so i cant hate em lmao)#personal

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cowboylikedean · 1 year

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controversial opinion but sometimes walkable cities are worse

nyc is a walkable city, it is also a nightmare.

suburbs shouldn't be our only option and we need more walkable cities in the u.s., but they are not inherently sutsainable or better and suburbs also have their place.

#i'm tired of the lack of nuance #also #in my city #the people fighting the most for our city to become #are the developers who stand to make millions by bulldozing affordable houses to build luxury condos and apartments #its the gentrifiers pushing the locals our of our houses #walkable isn't better

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saqqara-divine · 2 months

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This housing crisis is truly ridiculous. You're either paying -$1,000 for a janky shoebox (nation wide might I add), or you either have to scrape together +$2,000 for a decent place (nice floors, decent kitchen, enough sq ft.) worth that price.

And with that +$2,000 price tag, you generally have to rent with someone, which I'm not willing to do because ppl can be weird and unreliable w/ rent payment. And then...THEN!...student loan servicers have the fucking audacity to increase monthly payments this year?!?!

How the fuck are young professionals supposed to establish ANY sliver of independence, with so many odds against us?

#Hi. I'm 32 and frustrated because I want to find a place of my own #but don't feel like I should have to rent with a stranger #nor do I feel like it's ethically responsible to date someone for the sake of affording a place #I guess I'm going through this for a reason...#I'm not homeless or anything (I feel for ppl who are) I'm getting antsy about moving out to live the life I want to live #And living at home with family is starting to weigh on me #i.e. lack of friends outside of work - only heading outside of the house to run errands - no sex life - lack of social life

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currently-evil · 3 months

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i cannot for the life of me remember if i sent the ask i typed out when u replied so if u get two almost identical asks - no u didnt

first of all i lived by the sea my entire life, the air was not chewable enough and the lack of cancerous chemicals in the air bored me, air should be spicey

ah i've been late for the Mary lore 😔😔😔 tragic (but good for u no data should be given up willingly and for free)

(love ur shrimps they are adorable)

JFGHGFAJFNA Sorry Anon-Sibling I was swallowed by the real life. (Can you imagine that now that school year is ending some fucking idiots from my dziekanat suddenly was like to me, oh yeah btw in pażdziernik last year we added some more subjects to list of subjects you need to pass and yeah we send you that in email to that email you didnt even know you have and never bothered to check if you got that information or not, we dont care, oh you werent going on wykłady from that subjects cały semestr because you didnt you should.... lmao not our fault)

But its all good now :)

I love the "air wasnt chewable enough" it made me wheeze out loud, I imagine you with a saw just cutting a piece of air away and snacking on it like a character from Looney Toons

And lol you werent late for any lore that made me laught because i imagined myself as a character that you havent unlocked yet in video game, so have this edit of my photo

I can share with you Lore whenever you want. Here we go:

I live through 8h shifts in work fantasising about mini indoor pond i want to make

I just accidently stole 160zł from my sister on various mochis

I am addicted to reactions wideo, because many of my friends dont share my likes, so watching somebody watch something i love and love it make me all giddy

I just hit 4600 hours in Elder Scrolls Online (God what I am doing)

I collect lots of things: feathers i find on my walks, special 5zł's, fossils, "dziękuję za zakup miłego czytania" cards that some people add when you buy books from them on olx, tattoo ideas i might get one day, and my most precious collection - Mangas :)

i love trashy romance novelas, the trashier the better

And yeah!! My shrimps are so so adorable! their tank is on my desk so i see them even now as i type, and they are soooo cute

#considering nobody will ever know my real identify here i can say it #YOU BLOND BITCH FROM DZIEKANAT I WISH YOU DEATH AND 1000 YEARS OF BAD LUCK MAY SOMEBODY PAY YOU BACK WITH THE LACK OF EMPATHY YOU GAVE ME #haha i am better now :)#dont worry i made everything ok but man i had a week of constant strees and fear #also i am working on that second ask #it made me realise i have much more complex thought on anders that i thought before #also btw that my real photo!#the courtesy on my friend who fell in love with a guy who ride a bike #and like week into relationship bought helmet and all other clothes you need to ride a bike #then broke up with a guy #love that girl she is so guy crazy #also i spend so many times in eso because i am trying to do vampire house #but god vampire furnitures are so rare and expensive #right now i am farming to able to afford house in summerset #love me some high elves casual racism #(i play bosmer)#i am using you as a rant listener #listen my manga collection recently hit 250!#it look so coooool #love it when my dad looks at it and goes sooo how much have you spend on it all?#and i am like.... i dont wanna think about that

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daisukijosh · 7 months

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im so tired of working :( i just want to come in when i want and not come in when i dont want. i get paid the same amount for 8 hours every day when i would arguably get the same amount or more done if i was only there for 5 hours.

#actuallyblogging #i just wish the working class in this country would get improved labor laws fair wages and more accommodating schedules for all #it feels like we should be focusing on UBI and better work but the government sees the strikes and just thinks “lol not my problem”#i wish it was better to live in america. im working a lot and saving every penny but will not be able to afford a house in this city #i work my ass off and dont need all this money and feel like i should be making the same amount for a few hours less of work tbh #and my insomnia and anxiety and ibs and autism are like not accomodated properly at my work and i dont blame my job #i blame the country and local governments that dont put these issues into writing #i really enjoy my job but am getting forced out of it due to a lack of accomodations

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karmaphone · 9 months

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hate that whenever a housing insecure or homeless person starts talking about their struggles someone always has to add on like 'haha yeah this sucks we are Going Through The Same Thing' but the same thing to them is like. nowhere near the struggles of aforementioned housing insecurity or homelessness

#I get trying to relate to them or whatever but it's just insensitive as hell like.....#like sorry ur struggling to make rent on ur spacious apartment. I haven't gotten mail in over a year and it has probably fucked everything #sorry you're struggling to pay your car note. our car tags expired like two years ago #<- if we get pulled over we're capital f Fucked bc we can't afford a ticket #sorry you had to drop some of your hobbies. I haven't been part of a community I live in for a year due to my housing situation #sorry you had to cut back on your fast food. I have dips in my nails from lack of nutrition #like what the fuck else am I supposed to do except be like 'no this is MY reality it is clearly miles away from yours'#I'm just gonna start telling people 'nah I'm poor. nope can't relate. sounds like problems for someone who has money' etc

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wikagirl · 9 months

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so my parents are renovating the downstairs where my grandma used to live so they can move down there and my brother and I can hev the upstrais and they are not happy with me saying that, since my brother is incompetend with chores because they alyways made me do everything but never him, I want to also renovate the whole upstairs to a way I like it because he doesn't give a shit anyways and I have to clean and care for it I at least don't want to hate it visually.

#it's either that or I move out when I have the money and they'll have to watch my brother drown in his own mess lmao #my parents are allergic to colours so all the walls are hospital white #I'd even save up and pay for the renovations #I'm a crafty diy girl I can paint a wall and put on new wallpaper #that's really all I want I want this ugly white wallaper gone #I've been living in this house for 22 years and I've hated the white walls for just as long #if they expect me to live here and care for them when they are old then they have to make sure that I actually want to be here which I don'#the only reason for why I haven't moved out yet is because I lack the funds and if I move out I want to OWN the place #so I can do what I want with it without having to worry about having tomove our of a rented place #and every penny I don't have to spent on rent is a penny towards owning a flat or a very tiny house just big enough for myself one day #the are I live in has a lot of tiny medieval houses nobody wants #because they are so small and you can't make a lot of exterior changes to them because of preservation laws #and since the prices for them keep going down the longer nobody lives there I might actually be able to afford one in like 10 years #especially if I also do my master of craft which gives me a massive pay boost

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whetstonefires · 11 months

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You know what I realize that people underestimate with Pride & Prejudice is the strategic importance of Jane.

Because like, I recently saw Charlotte and Elizabeth contrasted as the former being pragmatic and the latter holding out for a love match, because she's younger and prettier and thinks she can afford it, and that is very much not what's happening.

The Charlotte take is correct, but the Elizabeth is all wrong. Lizzie doesn't insist on a love match. That's serendipitous and rather unexpected. She wants, exactly as Mr. Bennet says, someone she can respect. Contempt won't do. Mr. Bennet puts it in weirdly sexist terms like he's trying to avoid acknowledging what he did to himself by marrying a self-absorbed idiot, but it's still true. That's what Elizabeth is shooting for: a marriage that won't make her unhappy.

She's grown up watching how miserable her parents make one another; she's not willing to sign up for a lifetime of being bitter and lonely in her own home.

I think she is very aware, in refusing Mr. Collins, that it's reasonably unlikely that anyone she actually respects is going to want her, with her few accomplishments and her lack of property. That she is turning down security and the chance keep the house she grew up in, and all she gets in return may be spinsterhood.

But, crucially, she has absolute faith in Jane.

The bit about teaching Jane's daughters to embroider badly? That's a joke, but it's also a serious potential life plan. Jane is the best creature in the world, and a beauty; there's no chance at all she won't get married to someone worthwhile.

(Bingley mucks this up by breaking Jane's heart, but her prospects remain reasonable if their mother would lay off!)

And if Elizabeth can't replicate that feat, then there's also no doubt in her mind that Jane will let her live in her house as a dependent as long as she likes, and never let it be made shameful or awful to be that impoverished spinster aunt. It will be okay never to be married at all, because she has her sister, whom she trusts absolutely to succeed and to protect her.

And if something eventually happens to Jane's family and they can't keep her anymore, she can throw herself upon the mercy of the Gardeners, who have money and like her very much, and are likewise good people. She has a support network--not a perfect or impregnable one, but it exists. It gives her realistic options.

Spinsterhood was a very dangerous choice; there are reasons you would go to considerable lengths not to risk it.

But Elizabeth has Jane, and her pride, and an understanding of what marrying someone who will make you miserable costs.

That's part of the thesis of the book, I would say! Recurring Austen thought. How important it is not to marry someone who will make you, specifically, unhappy.

She would rather be a dependent of people she likes and trusts than of someone she doesn't, even if the latter is formally considered more secure; she would rather live in a happy, reasonable household as an extra than be the mistress of her own home, but that home is full of Mr. Collins and her mother.

This is a calculation she's making consciously! She's not counting on a better marriage coming along. She just feels the most likely bad outcome from refusing Mr. Collins is still much better than the certain outcome of accepting him. Which is being stuck with Mr. Collins forever.

Elizabeth is also being pragmatic. Austen also endorses her choice, for the person she is and the concerns she has. She's just picking different trade-offs than Charlotte.

Elizabeth's flaw is not in her own priorities; she doesn't make a reckless choice and get lucky. But in being unable to accept that Charlotte's are different, and it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with Charlotte.

Because realistically, when your marriage is your whole family and career forever, and you only get to pick the ones that offer themselves to you, when you are legally bound to the status of dependent, you're always going to be making some trade-offs.

😂 Even the unrealistically ideal dream scenario of wealthy handsome clever ethical Mr. Darcy still asks you to undergo personal growth, accommodate someone else's communication style, and eat a little crow.

#hoc est meum #pride and prejudice #elizabeth bennet #charlotte lucas #meta #charlotte is a much less sociable person than lizzie #so avoiding her husband most of the time and not seeking out his company is more viable for her!#she also has more patience for people being wrong #partly i think because she kinds checks out and lets them get on with it which lizzie isn't too great at even with her mother #people have different needs like that's a thing okay #marriage #spinsterhood #pragmatism #like if elizabeth had to listen to collins talk for a few months straight she would be nearly insane with rage #he's not just a low-quality man he's a man designed to be the worst for her specifically #also note that because jane's marriage is elizabeth's fallback plan #darcy screwed her over personally by interfering between her and bingley #she ofc does not bring this up how could she #but it's intensifying the anger during the hunsford rejection i think

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