I hold myself to the highest of expectations.

If someone tells me I’ve done well, my immediate response is ‘but not as well as I could’ve done.’

I’ll never be satisfied with my art, my writing, my athletic ability.

But most of all, in my relationships with others.

I always could’ve been more polite, more accepting, a better listener, a better example, a better friend. And it gets to the point where I end up distancing myself from people because I feel like, eventually, they’re going to see me in the same way I see myself.

I have no sense of humor because what if they don’t find things like that funny? My go-to route for sharing things that I enjoy is ‘I know this is cringey but…’ or I’ll give them a short and sweet breakdown of it all, no details or anything, because what if they get bored of me? I don’t want to be boring. I can’t be boring.

And the worst thing is I justify everything. ‘Oh, she hurt me, but she’s got a mental illness. She didn’t mean it.’ ‘Oh, he insulted my religion, but my friend likes him. I’m not gonna do anything about it.’ And I hate that I do that. I hate that I rationalize everything.

At this point, I don’t know how I still have friends. I want so desperately to connect, and yet I don’t know how. And I don’t know anyone irl who’s patient enough to wait through my ‘you probably hate me’ stage to get to my ‘wow you’ve been hanging out with me for a while now, maybe you actually enjoy my company??’ stage.

Tl;dr: basically nobody I know irl follows ‘if you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best’ when it comes to others.

hi.

well… after being stalked and harassed for the past couple of months, i am finally back!! stay tuned lol i got some fics lined up for y’all 😁

anyway if you read that first line and thought to yourself “WTF?!?”, here is the full story for my curious readers (just a warning, it’s long and i rant a lot):

a couple of months ago, i started getting tagged by random accs on tiktok and insta that posted vids accusing me of the most random and heinous shit. honestly, it just baffled me the first time i saw them bc they made absolutely no sense whatsoever.

when the first ones popped up, i just blocked them thinking it was a random troll and went on with my life.

but then i kept getting spammed by other accs with new posts where they not only involved me but also my friends, and accused us as a friend group of being horrible ppl.

i had enough (i can’t even remember how many accs i blocked) and deleted ALL my social media apps for a while (i.e. more than a couple of months, oops) and basically isolated myself from ppl so that i could focus on other things to distract me (i ended up making daily exercise a habit so ig that’s one good thing that’s come out of this lol, i also rewatched all the marvel movies in timeline order hehe). i wish i continued writing so i could’ve at least had more content to share by now, but i was feeling so negative and pissed that i couldn’t even bring myself to write anything (i even uninstalled notion from my phone and that’s where i keep all my drafts and fic ideas)

i only found out the full situation less than a week ago when i reinstalled tiktok bc i missed it, only to find more burner accs harassing me. i finally had enough so i reinstalled insta to rant about it on my spam acc for my friends to see and to my surprise a couple of them knew who it was and explained the whole situation to me.

it was my first time interacting with ppl outside of my family in months lol, when i tell y’all i isolated myself i really did mean it 🙃 my irl friends didn’t even know anything out of the ordinary was happening bc i’m notorious in my friend group for going off the grid for months at a time bc of how bad my mental health gets sometimes, they know to just let me be and let me deal with it alone bc they understand that’s how i work best. (they won’t see this bc they don’t know this tumblr exists but i wanna apologise to my dear friends for my disappearing acts, my bad, i love y’all for being so understanding and still being my friend after all this time 🫶🏼)

anyway, it turns out the culprit was this guy that my friend had rejected previously and he’s so bitter and hateful that he decided to harass me bc he knew i was one of her bffs (the ppl he targeted were the ones in her closest friend group which included me)

but here’s the kicker: I’VE ONLY TALKED TO THIS GUY TWICE!! AND EACH TIME WE TALKED FOR LESS THAN 5 MINS ABOUT IRRELEVANT SHIT!!! WHY AM I INVOLVED?? YOU DON’T KNOW ME!!!!

when my friend found out she was so surprised and appalled that he was harassing me too, bc him, my friend, and the other ppl he targeted all go to the same college together (and i’m the only one in the friend group that goes to a different college, so to reiterate once again: this guy barely knows me! the last time we spoke was at my friends bday party 3 years ago!! he’s literally insane!)

she knew he was harassing my other friends since they’re all in the same school and know him in person, she didn’t think i would be involved too and i couldn’t believe i was.

anyway, i just wanted to rant about this whole thing bc i’m having a hard time processing it tbh. i hope that guy rots in hell and also finds a job there bc he was acting hella unemployed like who has time for this? he made me feel so confused and paranoid for weeks and i hope he gets all the karma he deserves in the universe.

y’all wanna know something funny tho? i started writing a changmin stalker fic in june, way before this whole situation happened. life imitates art ig 🤪 anyway i finally finished it and i’m gonna release that fic next after i fine tune it, at least now it’ll be somewhat realistic lmaoooo

the thingw the orcs in dunmeshi is sth i skirt around bc like u said it is. not a great modern take on orcs. obv not the worst it could be and kui at least did engage w trying to write a more involved lore on them rather than just having this be the same “orcs are big uncivilized brutes” version 8000000 but that element is still there. and i do think “its not the worst” is hardly what i would want to set my highest expectations to jdhdgksgd

tumblrs being a bitch n not letting me put images in so I'll just paste the text from the other ask

Nodding. ty for the info on the ways halfling racism can be compared to irl examples in “the middle east” like that rly is such a close comparison i wonder if it was at all intentional… AND FR on the whole . wishing we knew what they called themselves bc the “halfling” “half foot” thing i rly cant help but think abt how it feels like irl examples of certain groups being denigrated to category slurs its like. LOL. dunmeshi makinh me feel party to fictional racism and microaggressions against my will...

Idk Abt skirting around bc I think it's smthn we should face head on, but at the same time I'm not in a place where I can really add onto the discussion wrt orcs as a white/East Asian person. IIRC ppl have said tolkiens orcs are black and/or central Asian (Mongolian I believe) coded, which is meaningful cause he's influenced so much of modern fantasy, and thats. Y'know. Not great. Also the orcs in dungeon Meshi are essentially an indigenous group from what I remember so that's also a whole mess. Again, my opinions arent very meaningful when it comes to this, but I feel like it's incredibly disappointing to see an author who's clearly capable of nuanced and interesting commentary on racism in the context of real life and fiction (even if it's not always great it's clear she's thinking about it in some depth) really just. Fall back on tropes. Bc for the other races - human is a wider category than usual, tall men aren't always the Everyman, elves are long lived but that doesn't make them wiser, and halflings are mature, worldly and resourceful, which I feel like does a lot to break free of typical fantasy pigeon holeing. But the orcs are just sorta... The Bad Guy but Not That Bad I guess? Theoretically it's a departure from the "super evil forever no exceptions" idea of the but it's still so far behind what needs to be done to make it less of a lazy, racist trope.

Yeah, again I'm not west Asian or Arab like I said, but between reading stuff ppl online write n talking to my Iraqi friend + rereading dungeon Meshi and really trying to analyze it, it kinda stood out to me. I will say I was a little unconfident posting about it bc it's 3 things (4 if you count the name note) but theyre still really notable at least to me. The hand/foot cutting is I feel the most explicit? Because that's such a fucked up stereotype it just stands out immediately. I don't necessarily know if the half foot/middle east connection was intentional, because I assume Japan/Asia in general has a different relationship with West Asia (since they are the "far east" in comparison, so "Middle East" wouldnt really make sense?), but it could be one of those things that colonialism managed to spread. I'm not very knowledgeable about that, but even if it wasn't intentional I think it's a very interesting parallel in how language can be used to categorize people as "normal/other". So i can't say if its intentional or not, but it's definitely an interesting lens to consider the story thru. Id also say I believe halflings are said to be native to a place that's east from where the story takes place, but not the eastern continent (which is p much easy Asia). I've seen some ppl take this to mean eastern Europe, and I don't think that's wrong, but I think u could also think of it as west Asia? Idk if we ever got much info on it in story, so I might be missing some details. (Honestly I'd personally HC that halflings are generally mixed Eastern European/West Asian- not to conflate the two, but rather Im imaging the majority of them are in a kinda blended culture).

You know, I think I should just tell you something funny about what following you for me entailed, because you're certainly the person that I have the weirdest reason to keep following.

I have no idea of why I started following you however I am certain it wasn't because of the NSFW. It was probably a funny post or something like that. It's not that I hate NSFW content I just don't usually go out of my way to find it and my blog is definitely not centered around anything NSFW (even if there are some written posts here and there that I reblog that are).

But what I know is that after discovering who was putting anime badonkas on my dash I decided to keep following, and you know the main reason why? It was the time where those were definitely not allowed. I was following you similarly to a scientist studying a bug under a microscope. I knew that Tumblr wanted to ban content like the one you were posting from the platform, and the fact that I knew a NSFW blog, one that I didn't even remember that I followed, was super interesting.

So I kept following and not saying anything. Everyone was complaining about the lack of porn and I felt like a person looking from the sidelines quietly drinking coffee. I knew where to find the female presenting nipples.

I was actually seeing if you could get away without ever being marked as mature. When you finally were I was so disappointed. But I think the fact that Tumblr started allowing sexual themes again not long after you were marked as mature was hilarious to me. You managed to go unnoticed for years. I was oddly proud of you for managing that long, and happy that you finally got to post what you liked without being too restrained by Tumblr's guidelines.

That being said I'm not gonna sit here and pretend there isn't good content on your blog, because even sexual art is art, and it's frankly annoying how demonized it is by the mainstream culture. And the other posts are also good or I wouldn't ever have reblogged anything from you (which I definitely have).

To finish this I wish you a lovely day and have fun looking at all the boobs, ass and thighs you desire :P

I will keep lurking probably, but I felt like even without knowing people can still think about you, and it doesn't have to be something bad. Sometimes people silently enjoy seeing you every day 💜

That last paragraph of yours really means a lot to me. Tumblr is the only social media I use/enjoy. And having ppl one follows/follow me for years, you do feel an attachment to them (even if I wouldn't recognize them irl nor ever meet.) So when I read that last sentence, it really did hit me in the heart. It means a lot to me. More than you know. So honestly from my heart-of-hearts, thankyou. I wish you happiness, peace and contentment in life. Im glad you like my non-NSFW posts. I always feel sheepish when I post NSFW stuff too because I know theres are ppl that follow me that aren't into that stuff at all. I try not to overdo it.

Idk if this is a sad thing to share or not. But I still have the email that got me unbanned.

too many jojo fans, or at least the hypersexual nerds ive seen on twitter/tumblr/insta, have this tendency to feminize johnny to the point of infancy, basically they baby him. and like whatever idc if u love him and have ur headcanons thats fine but the way so many ppl reduce him to "loser crybaby trash gay that needs gyro 24/7 uwu save me world *wears ugly clothes*" all bc hes physically disabled is so bothersome. like wth lol i even see it from ppl who are progressive n shit.

i just dont understand hes my fave bc i like his persona of being a giant hypocrite and realizing right from wrong and just general growth. his genuine asshole behavior is appealing like i would wish death on him irl if i knew him; so i find that real appealing esp when compared to the rest of the jojos, just so fun. but yall just dont kno how to navigate that bc many of you lowkey cant fathom of a disabled man being depicted as a human being with complicated, often conflicting morals so in order for yall to ignore his actual character you just depict him as a whimpering fool who constantly cries bc he's helpless without his able bodied man who can heal him thru the power of fucking and forcefemming his ass down! also whats up with every fanfic featuring johnny including rape like??? esp gyjo fics omfg....... everyone must die violently in order to satiate my desire for world healing and prosperity for the peace of the people

To be fair I dont know how you can expect anyone to talk to rpp (? Or whatever their name is) if there account is deleted, but I get doing it through you like the other anon/s does comes off as stalkerish

not directly @ u anon but i get messages abt this b4, i dont answer majority bcuz its asking too much abt personal things or things i just dont know/dont care abt, again altho i love the comic and admire the author on a personal level we arent "close friends", im avoiding this topic out of respect but ill clarify it now bcuz i already cleared it with "rpp"

r they still alive? probably, but the thing is, i dont actually know! nobody knows bcuz rpp is a group, and has always publicly been a group who spoke in the singular. there r ways to contact "rolypolyphonic" but in reality u have no assurance whoever answers is the one tumblr ppl mostly look for (emanuelle/celecaster/interference-signal) bcuz to respect their wishes the rest of rpp wouldnt announce if they actually did kill himself that day. unless u knew each member separately around 2020 enough to have added them on their personal accs, or were one of the few ppl they liked enough to reach out to personally, most likely u never actually talked to emanuelle, u might have i mean, but it could have been anybody under "rolypolyphonic"

im not close friends w/ emanuelle, i know some of their acquaintances/mutuals but tbh i dont know who their actual friends r or if they even HAD actual friends who they disclosed real plans to. the closest we have to "real" news is that since rpp has cancer since 2021 or whatever and that at some point before deleting they said they want to stop going to hospitals so maybe they didnt kill himself so much as let themselves die

the only ppl who can know for sure most likely r the other rolypolyphonics and they wouldnt disclose that shit in public, the reason theyve always been vague abt the differences between them is exactly bcuz they dont want ppl to know if/when something like this happens

if u care abt closure then safer to assume that yes they killed themselves rip send thoughts and prayers or whatever. what difference does it make. its not like u guys have any real intention of helping them through their suicidality if they were actually still alive anyway judging by the fact yall were content to ignore them the two or three years they were openly suicidal on main xd

if it makes ur parasocial feelings better from knowing them for schizoposting their "serious" posts were always collectively so rest assured at least one of the ppl u "connected" to is not dead. ¯\_( ' -' )_/¯

frankly if they have any friends/acquaintances out there there that they actually keep in touch with or talk abt their daily life with, well im not one of them. when we talk its always about breadavota or psychology/philosophy, we dont "small talk" abt how each other is doing irl. and i dont expect those ppl to publicly come out with details about their personal whereabouts/daily life

Sammy IRL rants abt sammike and the fandom. (not directed at any creators, keep it up sammike tumblr nation! /gen)

I wish the fandom knew more abt sammike and it wasnt always. with me forced into another existing character. like no im not the freddy bully, or the bonny bully, or the phone guy, im me.

Im henry's son. Samuel "Sammy" Emily

I sadly was an outsider to all the bullshit that went on in Hurricane agaisnt my own will. I wanted to know. I wasnt able to do anything about it. I didnt knew how Mike was doing for years. I WISH we had worked together! but that only can happen in a No One Dies timeline.

I just wish to be my own person in the fandom and not made a baby, because in some memories I was even OLDER than Charlie, and Mike was always around my same age! When I say we've known eachother our WHOLE lifes I mean it. When I first saw Michael's face I was probably under a year old. I cant remember because 1. IRL mems can be fuzzy and 2. most ppl dont remember things before age like 3 or 4, but I do know our parents were friends before we were even born, and we played together and attended each one of eachothers birthdays, we were best friends before lovers, childhood bestfriends.

When we grew up we had a fall out, because of his new friendgroup, which I'd join later on anyways (on a particular timeline. because yes i remember different contradicting timelines.), but before that I was always trying to impress him and them so I could spend time with them. When we did spend time together, at first theyd tease me for being the youngest, shortest and weakest, and he'd always go out of his way to defend me, help me when I got hurt trying to pull out some dumb trick to get their attention and a couple times even canceled hang outs with his friends when I was having some issues (wont go into detail, but wanna clarify it has nothing to do with my family, they were GREAT and whoever says Henry Emily OR his wife play favorites f u. that couldnt be more far from the truth.)

OH here's sum memories I love: Taking care of our little siblings (where theyre all fairly younger than us and we were way older than them in comparison. also no one dies au), taking them to the park, staying home with them when our parents went out on date nights, it was great honestly. we all loved staying in having ice cream in front of the TV with a fan (or more), while Fazbear and Friends was on!

Sorry yall, im going a bit loco. I uh. yeah anyways this is a sammike household, i 100% respect other ships but i dont wanna see them here, on this account, so like ik no one has yet but just in case if anyone wanted to know my opinion on other popular ships like jeremike or mike x the other bullies: sammike is better, i am 100% bias and i wont apologize. ive never been more comforted than I am by my boyfriend and seeing anything of us together. even when people get it wrong. SPECIALLY when people getting right [looking at one of my mutuals w the realest sammike takes ever] I JUST. i wont give my opinion on other michael ships, only will say "sammike for the win" and thats all.

Thanks for comming to my TED talk, sorry for the rant, it WILL happen again. most likely.

Sammike content:

i know everybody is kinda moving to twitter once tumblr finally dies, (i cant complain ive made a twitter last year) but im kinda tempted to move back to deviantArt and see what happens

Describe your moots in a sentence 😌

oh would you look at that? and i was just about to start studying… guess it’s gonna have to wait >:)

@kohi-zeri very very VERY talented, your writing is very promising and i definitely look forward to your future works, ily ! <3333 🌿

@catwithangerissues i have never called you my main hoe but there’s a start to everything so please, main hoe, read this carefully : YOU’RE THE PERSON I TALK TO THE MOST IN MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFE AND WE AREN’T EVEN IN THE SAME TIME ZONE WTF

@catchmewiddershins BIG BRAIN ENERGY, clicking on your blog makes me feel a bit smarter every time so thank you for that :)

@iwasumi an angel who deserves THE WORLD and omg your spanish conversations with your oikawa anon make me go 🦋🦋🦋

@hvnlydmn i’m still not over our (chaotic) first interaction a few days ago when we realized we have been big fans of each other’s work for weeks without ever telling the other, anyways : you’re still the rihanna of the hq tumblr to me <3

@babymattsun your aesthetic is incredible, your work is incredible, your personality is v sexc… did i forget anything ?? 😌

@eunaria a a literal angel and i will never ever get tired of the lovely pictures you send in my inbox, they light up my days almost as much as being moots with you does <3

@akaashi-bby it’s a shame we haven’t interacted that much yet but i plan on changing this v soon because you seem very sweet and your work is amazinggg 💕 (that was not a description but anyways)

@u-make-my-heart-tsumtsum ok now that i passed the stage of fangirling over you following me (barely) i can say without a doubt that you radiate the nicest vibes honestly i wish i knew more ppl like you because you are an absolute god angel <3

@smolmo ok i know we’ve only become moots very recently but WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I’VE KNOWN YOU FOR MUCH LONGER ?! (also your sakusa’s playlist is coming and not to brag or anything but i kinda live for it)

oh and lemme just add a little something addressed to your trio (@akaashi-bby @u-make-my-heart-tsumtsum @smolmo : your vibes are absolutely INCREDIBLE, watching you interact with each other is live watching a comfort tv show or something and your reblogs always make me smile like an idiot (THERE I SAID IT)

@tetsurouandushigirl aka THE ANGEL WHO MATCHED ME WITH SUNA AND/OR SEMI 💕💖💓💘💞💘 (i’ll never forget this. NEVER. consider me forever grateful)

@starlightte to me you’re samu’s official girlfriend there’s no questioning it - also, it should be illegal for someone to hype me up as much as you do because you make my self esteem go through the roof EVERYTIME (not that i’m complaining) 📈📈

@toworuu my 8th follower (wow time flies *wipes a tear*) that i want to thank again for supporting me since the very beginning, i’m SUPER SUPER GRATEFUL and i’ll always be 💘

@boo-marie a complete sweetheart and no i’m still not over your kageyama matchup omg i think about it everyday (also : KYŌMARIE >>>>)

@matsunshine a very good driver who has nothing to blame herself for (IT WAS DEFINITELY THIS DUDE’S FAULT FOR PARKING LIKE A DICK), i live for our conversations they make me feel like we’re irl friends for some reason??

Greetings! I go by honesty anon

It is nice to meet you! I would like to play a game, if you don’t mind!

It’s a simple game, tell me the last five people you dm’d, and your HONEST opinion on them (:

Hey there

ok

alrighty! Not too hard :)

First up is @doveflingo ! Honest opinion? Dove is amazing! I literally love them so freaking much and when they’re hurting it makes me hurt too. I hate seeing someone I care so much about go through as much as Dove has. I wish I was a better friend, and that I knew how to help when they need me. I’m so excited for their future bc they’re so talented and fun! I can only imagine what amazing things they’ll do, if all the amazing things they’ve already done is anything to go off of.

Next is @blob-of-darkness ! Well, considering he’s my boyfriend I’d have to say my opinion on him is quite good 😂. Seriously though, I can’t even count the number of times I’ve thought of him and immediately felt better, or calmed down, or smiled despite not being in a smiling mood. I’m constantly seeing amd hearing things that remind me of him and it’s like I’m in another world, one where we don’t live so far apart. I’m not the best at comforting others and I’m horrific at handling emotions, so I feel pretty useless sometimes when he’s going through a tough time. I try to be there for him though, supporting him and cheering him on, since that’s one thing I can do for certain. He’s my North Star, my galaxy, my universe, my northern lights, my everything. He holds the key to my heart, a key I thought I never had to begin with. I love him, more than I can bare sometimes, with every fiber of my being, I love him. I wish I deserved him.

Third is @/a-cloud-in-space ! Tbh I don’t know him very well. He made me a dope ass Shinsou mood board tho (that’s why we were dm’ing lol) and it’s been my home screen ever since! He’s very confident and proud of who he is though, and I mad respect him ✊ 10/10 would be friends with him

Next is @smexy-goose ! How do I say ‘‘you’re literally incredible and amazing and I love you” but like better? Bc I would like to. Smexy has always ALWAYS been so kind to me, even though I’m pretty lame sometimes. Also very very supporting of everyone and their identities/sexualities which is comforting, at least for me anyway. They also write bomb fanfic it’s like 😍😍😍 so good 😌 they deserve the WORLD. ALL OF IT. ITS FOR THEM.

And last but not least, @gay-and-h8ing-enbyphobes-in-ohio ! I’ll be real, we aren’t real close, but I still know he’s the bees knees (lmao sorry not sorry) he’s adamant abt his identity and I really admire that about him! He’s also the only tumblr person I know that lives in my state, let alone only a few minutes away. IMO he’s kinda young for tumblr, except he’s surprisingly mature for his age, so he’s good (I mean no offense, I’m going off myself and I didn’t feel ready for social media till I was a few months 15) He’s also protective and supportive of his friends, and that’s just. It’s a big thing for me since I don’t have ppl like that irl, so meeting all the people like that here is just so wonderful. All in all he’s an AWESOME person and my opinion of him is way up there :)

thanks for the ask!

I got tagged by @faceless-dude for smth. And like. All I want to say is that you so much. Cuz I’ve had this sitting in my drafts for months and I didn’t know when would be a good time to post it. Or like update it or like just when I should do anything with it. So yeah. Thank you so much for helping me get the chance to post this :)))

“I’ve had this in my drafts for some time now probably since the Canadian thanksgiving and like only touched on it a few times, and well I never got to post it cuz I got well uuuhhh... shy I guess and at that time a lot of things were going down and stuff. And because of that I just felt like it had no meaning whatsoever anymore. So I thought I’d edit it a bit so it fits better and so I can finally post it and stuff.... sometimes it’s nice to get something out there after having it written down for so long. And well what better time to post it than now XD on New Years!. Anyways here it goes”

Hey guys, friends especially, ITS A NEW YEAR!!!!!! I just wanted to pop in and say that...well...thank you. And while I don’t really mean this directly to anyone so far (details for ppl that I know on this app will be written later on in this post). I know it’s usually super cheesy and just cringe and stuff but I honestly couldn’t care less about that stuff when it comes to the people close to me and to the people I love and care about. So I would like to take this opportunity to thank y’all. First and foremost. What the actual fuck guys. Why lmao. Out of everyone in this world you bunch picked the weirdest, ugliest and just straight up stupidest dude out there to be friends with XD, y’all do know there was much better than this out there right XD. I legit have no competition since I’m just so bad LOL. But still, for some reason, with all the shit I just listed y’all still decided it was a good idea to be friends with me. Y’all still decided it would be a great idea to stick with me up until now. Y’all still decided that I could belong with other people that I could fit it with you guys. That I could.... have genuine, real and just straight up amazing friends. I have absolutely no fucking clue how this turn of events happened. But I can say this with full certainty. You guys have changed my life. You guys are probably the main reason I’m still kicking around to this day lol. You guys are the reason I keep going and keep living and just keep enjoying the tiny gifts that life has to offer sometimes instead of pain XD. I still don’t and probably will never understand why or how god or life decided to be nice to me the few times I met one of you but I’m honestly so eternally grateful that I just... I have no words almost.... I just don’t know what to say sometimes. It’s honestly so out of this world how amazing and nice some of you are even tho I’m like the complete trash of this world XD. In all honesty.... without you guys I’d probably not even be here lmao... I’d probably would’ve just went on with my life with nothing to wish or hope for other than for the next day to pass even quicker than the last.... or just for days to just over as soon as they start... I won’t say more cuz that’s shit is personal and I’m not about to write that in public 😎. But like I know for sure that without you guys. I would not be here right now. So thank you. Thank you for everything. Thank you for all the memories you’ve given me, the countless nights you’ve made me die of laughter, The countless times you’ve made me choke and almost die from how funny something would be, the countless times you’ve made me think “damn I don’t ever want to wake up from this dream if this is not real”. Just thank you, for talking to me, for letting me vent, for letting me be there for you when you were there for me, for being my rock to lean on, for helping me go through the toughest of times like if it was a normal day. Thank you guys so much for treating me like an equal, for being friends with me, for playing with me, for inspiring me, for teaching me new things and helping me with anything I could ever ask for. Thank you guys so much, and while words will never be able to fully explain what I fully mean or what I fully feel. But I hope that this at least will give you an idea of how greatfull I am for you guys... i hope this will show you how thankful I am for you guys. I love you guys so much that the word love just can’t even express how much you guys truly mean to me. You guys have changed my life for the better and even tho I will probably never be able to repay that I’m hoping that I can do something to at least return how much y’all have done for me. And even tho a lot of the people I mean by this message are not on Tumblr I have a few that are and it is for that reason that I will thank you and write something for you guys here too. So here is the part for the specific people.

@frogb, Genny :)

Genny :D

GENNYYYYY >:D

Good God..... how are you even real XD well to start off, a quick intro :).... probably my only irl friend that is actually active on this app and of course MY BEST FRIEND FOREVER IN THE WORLD AND THE #1 PERSON IN MY LIFE >:), I want to take this opportunity to just thank you again (I know I’ve said a a bunch of times and you probably hate me for saying it a lot XD, that along with sorry :(((( I can’t really control that Lmao but I’m getting better at it right :D). You....you’re my best friend :)... you have changed my life for the better way too many times cuz. I’ve honestly lost count dude. I’ve lost count. I just want you to know that even tho I said that the first thing I wrote on this post was meant for a bunch of people. I was really mainly thinking about you when I wrote it. Ever since you’ve been part of my life. You have made sure to change it completely. And only for the good and for the better. I don’t think you have a genuine idea of how much you’ve changed my life and how much you’ve made me happy :)... thank you Genny thank you so much for being the best thing to ever happen to me. Genny you truly are the best most amazing, kindest, nicest, loveliest, most wonderful, most talented person I’ve ever met. Look I won’t write my full thing here since...well I’ll say the rest to you directly. But well .. Genny... I love you... I love you so fucking much alright :D thank you for being the highlight of my life. Thank you for being you Genny and thank you for being here for me and just being my best friend in the world :)

@ritsu-in-a-maid-dress , heyyy duuuudee buddy chum buddy pal XD (don’t ask lmao), I know we like met only a few weeks ago actually idk maybe at the point when I actually decide to post this it’ll be months or like a year 😳 (and if it is HOLY SHIT WTF I HOPE I ACTUALLY TOLD YOU SOMETHING IN THAT TIME CUZ DAMN) and well so far, you have been nothing but an amazing, way too nice, handsome friend that has somehow probably one of the sweetest hearts out there. You’re actually so fucking funny and have made my day much better sometimes just from the very few talked we’ve had lmao (correction now it’s actually been quite a few 😳and honestly they’re getting to much better and funnier so thank you so much for making me laugh :D (oh and I will never forget that one call we had for 3 FUCKING HOURS DUDE!!!! THAT WAS AWSOME!!!) ) and while at first I was very shy to even talk to you. I’m happy that I can comfortably say hi without any regrets or anything lmao. I will tell you something I’m very thankful for in dm too cuz it’s kinda private :) so yeah.... thank you so much for being you and being my friend :D

@quellfy yoooooo duuuudde I don’t think we’ve ever really interacted on here but I’ve talked to you on the server and well I can know from there that. You’re just such an amazing and kind person. And that every time we talk I have a great time :)) I don’t know a lot about you but I do know that you’re an amazing artist who has amazing art (yes even when it’s not sad “pointing at alluka in snow drawing” amazing) and that you’re such a kind and I nice human being who’s been just super nice and good to me :)) so thank you. For being my friend and for being such an amazing human being :D

@faceless-dude yooooo I don’t think we’ve properly talked before but like :))) I really think you’re an amazing person and just super talented. Your art is something I’ve never seen before and I really really think it’s unique and just amazing. Thank you for your wonderful wishes. And yeah dw. I plan on keeping that promise >:) Gen will get her booties kicked just like you asked XD

@kur-upira we probably only interacted a few times. But in those few times. I could tell what kind of person you are and how much of an amazing person you are :D. I can tell you that just from those few times. I was able to see how much of a beautiful, talented (yes holy shit. I cannot stress this enough. I love your artstyle and good god it’s so good everything from the actual drawings to the shading to the colouring. It’s amazing dude. I really mean that. It’s one of the most unique and most beautiful artstyles I’ve ever seen), friendly and just amazing human being you are :))) thank you for those few interaction (which probably took me whole days to respond to because of anxiety and bs XD sorry about that lmao) and yeah. I would absolutely love to get to know you better and to interact more with each other :D

@starrynarwhale, I know we like pretty much only interacted like twice with each other but from those few times. I knew that you were a wonderful person :) not just an amazing person. But a very talented one too :D (your art is amazing dude. It’s really great. Not only that but like. Can I just say that. Your frog gon fridays are godly dude. They’re always so fucking cool and wholesome 🥺🥺I love them so much. Amazing) you seem like a very kind and amazing person so yeah :)) I’d love to get to know you better :D

@catboyyouko yooooo. I know we probably have only interacted once but let me tell you dude. You’re a wonderful, amazing, nice, kind and extremely talented human being. (Dude you don’t understand. Your art is fucking amazing. Not only that but your comics are so goddamn great too. Not just in an art way but in a story way too. It’s just always so amazing) oh and also like... I see that you vent a lot and stuff and just wanted to let you know that if you ever needed someone to talk to or vent to. I’m here for you. I feel like you’re such an amazing person and I would love to get to know you better :) so yeah. If you ever need anyone to talk to. I’m here alright :)

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE. I LOVE YOU ALL SO FUCKING MUCH

And if I didn’t @ you I promise It’s just cuz I’m too scared to bother you and @ Ing this many ppl has already made my anxiety skyrocket.

ooc~ I am alive, I’m super sorry I didn’t give any sign recently, there’s just been a lot going on irl for me and anxiety didn’t make things any better, so I never really had any energy for rping. I am NOT giving up on my boys, promise, I love them too much, but I will be slow coming back. (and to make things worse, tumblr updated again and now I have no idea how to check for mutuals, so that’s a new reason for anxiety, because you all have the right to unfollow for my lack of activity, though now I just wish I knew who did so i don’t bug the wrong ppl. Rip)

🌹 SANNE I hope I’m not too late also I hope ur days been going well so far n that you’ve gotten to dream abt ur vampire man again hehe <3

ADDY AAAHH every time i put moisturizer on my neck before i go to sleep im like... this is for you king i hahjewrh. i really adore you and it genuinely makes me so happy just seeing you blog about the things you like even if i have no clue what those handsome little a3 men are up to! im so happy that you’re online on tumblr more regularly though i do miss your selfies! your smile is SO pretty and your wardrobe is so cute! you also have to know that i always have a smile on my face whenever we interact on here idk what it is exactly but your joyous personality is so infectious. i wish i could get bubble tea with you!! you really are one of those ppl on here i wish i knew irl. you also have such good taste in music every time you reblog an audio post im like 👂 

6 and 14? c:

ask me some mildly intrusive questions !!

6. how is your life different now from how it was two years ago?

grrr i wish this ask came in while i was an hs senior bc my sophomore year was where i was REALLY different ... my junior year (which was Actually two years ago) was honestly the peak of my personality LMAO thats rlly sad to say but i was at my most self confident and self assured back then, having come out of that shitty situation i was in during sophomore year. id make a joke abt coming out of my cocoon but like . thats exactly what happened. i made so many new friends, both irl and online (bc the end of 2018 was when i opened my kpop tumblr) and i was just . having a good time ....

whats changed since then ... i think im more mature now! back then i involved myself so heavily with drama (both from a spectating pov and as the center of it albeit the latter only rlly involved me my ex and a couple others) but since then i realized like ... i rlly dont care LMAO um . oh!! i have a better grasp of my emotions nowadays -- back then i was either happy or angry (which makes sense in context) and i felt everything so strongly that idk .... it wasnt healthy to like being angry so often. finally, i think the last positive change is that my first bf is no longer anywhere near the forefront of my mind :-) after the breakup it was super messy n even tho i hated it -- which was why i was so angry all the time -- i couldnt get him out? i was kinda haunted by what had happened and was scared it would happen again. but thankfully, it didnt 😌 and after my next relationship begun n i learned what a healthy relationship is Supposed to be like, he just kinda fell from my mindscape entirely!!!!

ok its funny someone asks this bc i wanted to answer it but i knew personality wise i miss 2018 ari like . a lot nsdfkjsdf im trying to channel her again

14. what’s your most bizarre pet peeve?

hmm .... this is kinda specific but i hate when ppl dont put their whole foot in slides??? like what . what are you doing ......... there was this one kid in my alg 2 class ,, once again in junior year that would stick his pinky toe out of his slides as he was doing work????? (obv he was sitting down) i rmbr seeing that for the first time and trying not to laugh bc its like????????????

SORRY ISNDFKDSF I REMEMBER TAKING A PIC BC IT WAS SO FUCKING FUNNY I PROMISE IM NOT INTO FEET BUT I SEARCHED THRU MY MESSAGES TO FIND IT ITS HJKFDSJKFS BYE

this is supposed to be under readmore but tumblr isn’t registering that so i apologize in advance for the long weird post

well anyway time to compile some stuff about the guy i’ve had a crush on since Jan. considering class is ending now, he’s on the other side of the states, & god knows if i’ll ever see him irl again and basically my chances are null now. and my memory is just so so bad, gotta save stuff

1. he’s into Ukr lang policy which means he’s not a linguist (i’ve had enough of them) or a historian (we’re a dumb crowd, bless), so he’s already alright w me

2. he’s from SoCal too (and from my fave city back home too!) which earns him points

3. the 1st time we actually talked, it was snowing. we were walking together after class, and he must hate the snow. bc he told me “kill me.” and i knew already that he’s our Ukr teacher’s fave so i said “only if you get me signed guarantee from her that she won’t be mad” and he laughed

4. honestly i stopped paying attention to him after that bc he always works w this dude in Ukr who creeps me the f out and i decided to just leave dexter alone bc of that

5. in Jan i went to coffee hour for Ukr & sat between Dex and this other girl from Ukr. & i was talking to her, complaining about stuff, & making my hyperbolic jokes. i didn’t assume he was listening but i ended up noticing that he was laughing at all my jokes & he’s got one of those comforting laughs

6. he’s been to Est and admonished me about saying curse words in Est (lol as if Est has real curse words) bc it’s such a beautiful language. i don’t think he’s really listened to Est before; he’s just heard me read Est poetry several times

7. i mentioned tortoises once during class & had to explain how i have 2 of them (ok its kinda weird to do when no one in class is enthusiastic about your torts) and sometime later i mentioned torts again and Dex was sitting next to me - he leaned back and laughed and said “oh that’s right” 

8. along the same line, he had a presentation at a conference in Feb and he was talking about lang policy in Ukr so i asked him about minority langs and anyway his answer was completely about Est bc he remembers its what i study as my primary lang -  the funny part was PK going to him afterwards and asking him what his connection to Est was

9. during the conference we sat together at lunch & talked w this girl from Harvard. and me & her talked for a bit about the Baltics and yknow, thats one of the few times i perk up in irl, and i looked over at Dex one (1) time and my god he has kind eyes (so arbitrary. perhaps its the way he furrows his eyebrows). he was leaning forward and watching me the entire time. pls understand, ppl irl haven’t paid attention to me very often. it’s easy to fall in love w the ppl who listen to me.

10. in Ukr when i don’t understand something he jumps in and explains it so clearly. & i’ve apologized before for not being a good speaking partner bc idk Ukr very well, and he told “no you’re a good partner, you say things i would never expect and make me think” and told me a funny story about his 1st opi after that. he’s told me my Ukr is improving, he told me that when we got put into a breakout room together for conversation practice & then we had to go back to the main zoom & i was still smiling and he must’ve noticed bc he smiled too. seriously he’s so encouraging & stops me from self-deprecation.

11. idk it’s just been easy talking to him. he’s one of the most sensible ppl i’ve met lately & he listens and still laughs at my jokes in class. i wish i had more time to talk to him

12. at the end of the conference we left at the same time & he stopped me and we talked for a long time. at first he excused this as waiting for that one creepy dude but I told him how that guy said he wasn't leaving anytime soon and Dex just shrugged and kept talking. i told him how my dpt is closing at our uni and he was so sad on my part. i got his phone # then. and asked him for coffee & he said sure, over spring break when he has free time, but then the quarantine started and he left to be with his mom

that’s life

+ 13. we had our Ukr presentations. and his was all about his Fulbright trip and he showed pics from when he was there. tbh a lot of it was academically fascinating for me. but also his last pic was him and a cat there & he talked so fondly about all the cats he saw there, it was his closing point. it was so cute. its like how i speak about my torts. i could only see my prof when i presented (gotta see my slides!) but when i finished and closed out of ppt he was smiling A Lot and kinda laughing and had the little clap emoji zoom does on. and anyway I'm glad i got to make him laugh one last time

how did you realize you were ace? sorry if this is a bit personal, but i’m trying to work up the courage to tell my friends/family

Nah not al all ofc!

Ok well hmm....the beginning of november last year i had a bf. He'd make alot of jokes and say stuff sometimes that well...i wasnt feeling? Like i loved him yea but i didnt understand why i didn't feel the same way abt him he did of me in that way. And at the time id nevee heard of asexuality so i thought that i didn't love him as much as he loved me which made me feel terrible.

Fast forward a lil bit i was scrolling one day and i found a post on tumblr abt asexuality in relationships. And i was shocked cause i didnt know this was a real thing ppl experienced as well, i thought smtn was jus wrong with me. And when i thought abt it, not my whole life but years leading up to that i didnt feel any sexual attraction towards anyone and so it made sense. Anyway, so i rb'd it so i didnt lose the post and my then bf saw it and messaged me like dude this is us! Youre asexual youre part of the community too! And i was JUST introduced to the the ace spec so i was still questioning if i was or not. I didn't wanna jump into anything. Plus i was a lil hesitant to be part of the lgbtq+ being completely honest. Bare in mind: my parents raised me to basically hate the lgbt and the ppl apart of it. They only thought it was gay and trans ppl at the time so jus think abt that. I was afraid like what if they found out? I felt like if i accepted that im ace theyd immediately see it somehow like its painted across my face and hate me

But fast forward again to december i thought abt it, ALOT. I thought hard abt it. I thought abt how a long time without realising, i felt no sexual attraction towards anyone. I hadnt and still haven't ever masturbated. The idea of sex for me personally seemed/seems unnecessary and a lil scary for me. Etc. So i was like yea ok yknow whar this is who i am and im happy abt it. Theres nothing wrong with me

Ngl i do still question my identity alot, like if i really am asexual. But u can still be aspec and want sex. Thats why theres gray sexual and demi sexual!

So yea there u are anon, how i figured out i was ace. Ngl ive never gone into this much detail to anyone ever so *fingerguns* heyy

I hope this helped you anon. Dont be ashamed of who u are because, hell, i love being ace! I dont think id ever not want to either. Im happy bein who i am and i hope u are as well and i hope that all the ppl around u will be too. Ive only came out twice irl, once was yesterday to my friend and i was lucky she already knew the term. The other time was a month ago at a book club which im goin to again tonight. They were all happy and accepting too. I havebt came out to my closer friends irl or family yet either. But if u do make sure youll be safe afterwards, your fam knows what asexuality means, etc.

Aaaaa long ask sorry! But i wish u luck dude * hugs* can u let me know afterwards if u do?