#just kept thinking about him and crying
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you ever just have a lot, a LOT of feelings all at once about a character and not even remotely enough words or brainpower to FORM the words to describe everything you're feeling. so it feels like you may explode. yeah
#sorry i got really into my feelings about mark hoffman again#the very specific version of him in my brain that i really really wish i had the time and energy to properly share with you guys#saw#well until i muster the energy to explode all of my feelings out into a fic. if you want to TRY and understand#know that my three biggest hoffman fic insps right now are as follows#your best kept secret hoffman. a series of mistakes hoffman. and rushed like a dreadful wind hoffman.#there is a very clear throughline just know i am extremely emotionally compromised rn#thinking about theee fics vs the canon path hoffman spirals down#something something the absolute tragedy of watching a man's descent into madness#the transformation of a man into a monster#and what could have saved him from himself and kramer's corruption#sorry i'm rambling so much oh my god i was just having such a crying fit out of nowhere about this#do you think he could feel it happening. do you think he was aware he was losing his mind.#the script version of him fucks with me so bad. the crazed rankings and the longer hair and him not being well kept anymore#it's impossible to think he didn't know he was deteriorating#fuuuck okay i need to either chill or write a whole longfic rn#i project on that guy so much i truly don't know if i could properly write my vision of him#until i do something more substantial the full extent of my hoffman exists for me and my boyfriend only. they get me like no one else#well ginny and jenna also get me. please read best kept secret and a series of mistakes Oh My God#where am i going with this. i like tag rambling actually this is a nice way to do it without forcing EVERYONE to read my delirium#anyways if you've read all of this i think i love you? feel free to dm me about hoffman and my very specific headcanons and aus#maybe soon i'll try and start writing my fics about this tragic man#i could never say any of this on twitter btw they'd string me up for my opinions on him as a sad wet beast who could have been fixed#if only he hadn't been weaponized first#god i'm too tired to even be as embarrassed about this as i should be. thought i unlearned cringe already#but i've been spending way too much time on twitter and they HAAATE hoffman there#rip. i know it's not that serious but i'm sensitive rn and hate feeling lonely in my thoughts#ok bye for real otherwise i'll never shut up. i might tag ramble more often bc this was therapeutic in a way i needed badly#cat chat
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some thoughts about astarion because i'm tired of the internet reducing him to one thing
when bg3 came out in early access, astarion was always seen as the extremely flirty, confident guy who enjoyed sex (or so we thought) and spoke about it like it was his favourite thing. he was also kinda marketed as the “sexy vampire”, so you can understand why many people saw him that way based on the little amount of content we had. even while playing act 1 and act 2, many players still might think of him like that because he does have a very charismatic personality and he asks to sleep with you very early on, so it just automatically makes you think he’s genuinely happy doing that and being totally serious.
BUT!!!!!!! we end up finding out later on that’s NOT the case and it was all part of a plan to seduce us in order for him to gain protection. he opens up about his past and his trauma and how he was forced to use his body to lure people back to cazador. he struggles with intimacy and relationships in general because of this. that’s why i really hope that people stop reducing him to “hot sexy vampire that loves flirting and having sex with everyone” when that is not who he is, he’s literally traumatised because of sex due to being forced into it and he’s slowly trying to heal. he’s also so much more than just “the hot vampire”, ya know? if you actually put in the effort to get to know him, you will see who he truly is underneath and he has many loveable traits to appreciate.
you may not see the “soft” side of him very often because he hides it, but it’s there!! one thing i noticed that really stood out to me was that when i gave food to an orphan in act 3 and he approved. back when you first met him, he probably would’ve done the opposite or had no reaction at all. i also saw a clip of someone trying to romance karlach and astarion and he literally told tav to choose karlach over him because he can see that karlach loves her. he said normally an arrangement would work for him but after everything karlach has been through, he doesn’t want to get in the way or see her hurt. letting tav go is also hard for him as well but he still thought about someone else. he could’ve whined or been possessive or jealous but he didn’t do that at all. where are all those people who reduce astarion to “the guy that flirts and sleeps with everyone” now? seriously. that’s not what he does, and when he was forced into it by cazador, he was trying to survive, he didn’t do it for his own pleasure. it’s not a “hot” personality trait of his, it’s literally trauma. and because he did it so much, he got used to it, and that resulted in him disassociating and feeling empty.
apparently if you ask him to join you and sleep with the drows at the brothel (something i will never make him do in my playthroughs), he only says yes because he struggles to say no. but he disassociates. and if you’re in a high approval relationship with him and he loves you, he will feel safe enough to express his feelings and say he’s not comfortable. this happens before you fight cazador. i’m not sure if he gives the same response after, but either way, if he joins in, he will always disassociate and it’s not something he wants to do despite what he may say.
that being said, it’s obviously still okay to appreciate his beauty and attractiveness, because he is very beautiful. he appreciates it and even likes being called beautiful. calling him “hot” and “sexy” isn’t a bad thing either, we know he can be and i'm sure he knows it too! it’s just annoying when people act like that’s ALL he is and they don’t even mention anything else about his character. the love scenes are beautifully done too (i personally prefer the second one after you’ve stopped him from doing the ritual, because that’s the one where he decided he truly wanted it and felt safe and comfortable because he genuinely loves you), and i actually would’ve been fine if they didn’t have any scenes like that at all because it’s totally understandable and valid if he didn’t feel comfortable, but i just hope that people don’t take things too far and over-sexualise him just because of how he appeared to be in the first half of the game and the way he’s often marketed on social media. and yes i know he’s fictional and nothing on the internet is going to hurt his feelings!!!! it’s more about the fact that he canonically has sexual trauma and many people still say really disturbing stuff even AFTER they find out about that, and it just makes me uncomfortable to think that people are okay with treating someone like a sexual object especially when they've said they're traumatised and it makes them uncomfortable. idk if this makes sense 😭
but yeah he doesn't want to flirt and sleep with everyone as i've seen people claim. and if in an alternate universe he did, and he did it on his OWN terms, and the other people he had relationships with enjoyed it too, then good for them! absolutely nothing wrong with that if there's consent, respect and honesty. however, that's not the case with what happened with astarion, because 1. he was forced into using his body WHEN HE DID NOT WANT TO and 2. he misled people and lured them to a miserable fate. it's so horrible and devastating for everyone involved. sex was never something fun for him, and it certainly isn't a "personality trait" of his. it was a survival tactic. he was forced to. he didn’t want to.
obviously when he becomes more comfortable, then it's totally understandable to get excited when he flirts and shows physical affection. he can be so charming, funny, sweet and romantic and i love that. it’s so beautiful to see him heal, genuinely find comfort in someone for the first time and experience intimacy that he feels ready and comfortable for. he deserves to love and be loved on his own terms instead of being forced. but again, he is so much more than the guy we were introduced to at the beginning. the internet just sees one thing and sticks with it but i really hope people start to actually appreciate him for who he is and the complexity of his character.
aaaaand i just had to leave this here <3
#astarion#baldur’s gate 3#bg3#sorry for rambling i’ve just been very emotional about him recently 😭#also i hope people remember that even if he NEVER EVER wanted to have sex again he is 100% valid#he does not have to change or force himself to feel a certain way#especially after everything he’s been through#and if you think he does then you’re gross. he doesn’t owe anyone ANYTHING#anyways#when he kept apologising for not sleeping with tav i wanted to cry#there is literally a scene where if you tell him halsin is interested in you he says it’s ok to go to him#but then he gets concerned and asks if it’s because he hasn’t slept with you for a while#and i wanted to cry#he should NEVER have to feel guilty for that#honestly the only reason why i think he might eventually feel comfortable with sex again is because ->#in act 3 after his genuine love confession after you help him defeat cazador he initiates it himself#and it feels like it’s something he truly wants after developing a strong emotional bond with someone for the first time#and i think that’s really beautiful that he chose to do it on his own terms when he felt ready#but also#for a while i wasn’t sure if he was repulsed and uncomfortable by sex in general and hated it entirely#or if he only feels comfortable after he develops a strong emotional bond#the only reason i think the second one now is because of what happened in act 3#but regardless whatever it is i just want him to feel safe and comfortable and happy#my posts
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kim daengdaeng my little puppy ㅋㅋ
thank you for always teasing me
and thank you for taking care of me ㅋㅋ gukbap ㅋ
#if u ever find urself thinking 'chan takes care of everyone but who takes care of chan' the answer will always be seungmin#stray kids#seungchan#bang chan#kim seungmin#stray kids gifs#skz#skz gifs#my gifs#cbbc2023#i rewatched their 2kr while making this and ended up crying ksdjgsg ough they're so special to me. ik ive said this about every chan duo#meant it everytime!#but seungchan...dogboy4dogboy....ksm who will always always offer food to chan first bc he knows chan wont eat until everyone else does..#ksm who knows him so well and knows just what he needs and will let him cry all he wants and stay with him while he does ksm who when#chan said he wants to be their pillar and someone they can depend on went 'whatever sides u show us hyung will always be hyung'#hhh i just think. seungmin is incredibly emotinally intelligent and chan is someone who will hide his emotions like they're his best kept#secret and that's why they work so well. seungmin just gets it even if chan doesn't say anything and he knows how to comfort him whether#that takes the form of letting him cry without saying anything or going limp in his arms and not resisting his hugs#anw. normal abt them. if u even care
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one of my favorite hobbies is in fact making fun of lestat because let’s be honest he does deserve it 99% of the time but then i start rereading tvl and suddenly I’m like….man he really went through so much, huh? he was really traumatized and taken advantage of over and over by both strangers and people he loved….like man he really was stalked, kidnapped, and forcefully made into a vampire against his will….he faced years of abuse from his father and brothers…..he witnessed the death of his only lover and before that his resentment and eventual madness….he really cries every other page and has 10 existential crises before he even becomes a vampire but he wants to be good he wants to be happy he tried to run away to the church he tried to run away with the theatre troupe he just wanted to act and love and be loved and at every turn he was done wrong and hurt and abandoned and nobody ever really helped him and I—
#like. not to be a lestat apologist on main but oh my god the horrors he experienced���..all alone……#I just kept thinking about the scene where he’s turned and he’s so scared and alone and he still chooses to say no and die human#he didn’t want this!!! and then he’s left all alone again and he’s dying and he’s in pain and#literally screaming and crying and then he has to see a pile of bodies that all look like him and then what????#he’s supposed to be the same person after all that?? like of course he’s got ptsd of course he’s got terrible coping mechanisms of cours#he acts the way he does because like how do you live with all that unless you turn it into something meaningful in any way you can#and for him that manifests as a god complex and controlling nature and enjoying all of life’s pleasures to mask#his crippling self loathing and fear of abandonment and intense intense trauma.#um. ….anyway…..sorry for lestat posting like this do you guys still think I’m cool#obvs not excusing the bad things he’s done but like……..it still hurts…….#to quote that one post I’ll always taking louis’ side in the divorce but….sometimes I stop and really thing about everything lestat has#been thru and like….I care him…..😔#iwtv#interview with the vampire#iwtv spoilers#lestat de lioncourt#the vampire chronicles#the vampire lestat#m watches iwtv
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That’s also how I always saw Shanks reaction, but imo it does makes sense? In his eyes Buggy just made a decision they talked about before. He doesn’t want to follow Shanks. That’s his decision and Shanks respects that.
But I wonder what he would think if he knew the real reason why Buggy left him?
Also maybe I’m just crazy but I think we never saw Shanks face in that moment. The focus is solely on Buggy reaction
(context)
yeah, this is a part of why i think shanks takes the separation (relatively) well—he thinks to himself, okay, i was wrong about what buggy wanted, or maybe he changed his mind again. either way, i don’t have to like it, but i do have to respect it. and that’s what he does, he respects buggy’s choice and moves on with his life. maybe on certain anniversaries lets himself wonder what he’s up to, hopes he’s doing well.
& you’re not crazy, we don’t really get to see shanks’ reaction. the only panel in that flashback showing his whole face is the one where he tells buggy he changed his mind about going to laugh tale. we see his face in partially shadowed profile (no eyes visible) when buggy reminds him of his old promise and when he asks buggy to come with him. the other panels either don’t feature him at all, or just show him in silhouette.
now, that might not mean anything—the manga art can get a little cramped sometimes, with all the story oda’s trying to fit into fifteen pages a week—but it’s possible oda is intentionally hiding shanks’ face from us. that could be because shanks is trying to hide what he’s feeling, or it could be because what he’s feeling is unusual or unexpected, and seeing that expression would distract us from the story we’re meant to be focusing on at the moment. (there are plenty of visual stories out there that take an age to reveal a character’s face in a particular moment for such reasons; the elric family photo in fma is probably my favorite example.) i think when 1082 gets animated, we’ll have a better sense of whether this was a matter of not having space on the page to show shanks’ face vs intentionally hiding his face from us.
as to your other question, what if shanks knew that buggy left because he’d changed his mind about laugh tale… oof. i don’t know. i think that depends on why shanks changed his mind. and unfortunately for me as a theorist, that’s one of those lingering mysteries i don’t expect to get an answer any time soon! if his reason is serious, and needs to be kept secret, i think shanks might resign himself to buggy leaving. that’s the cost of having unexplained, unspoken goals. if you can’t offer complete trust, you won’t receive it in return.
but if the reason isn’t that important, or doesn’t need to be a secret, i wonder if shanks might have tried explaining himself? though buggy’s stubborn enough i don’t know that an explanation would have made any difference, once he’d declared that he wouldn’t come with shanks.
#asked and answered#one piece#shuggy#shanks#buggy#this ask kept me up late last night thinking about shanks learning why buggy turned from him… oh man.#i know 1082 isn’t gonna be animated for an a g e but oh boy when it does#odds are 50-50 whether i just… cry. or crack open my ancient video editing program and start sorting through my sad songs playlist#*the shuggy roguetown breakup#*shuggy miscommunication#*shanks hides his feelings
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I already brought this up, but for quicker reference:
Order of Attack: Mahiru nightmare sequence about Kotoko's attacks. Gotta round out the guilty trio.
Feel free to not prioritize this. :D
LISTEN, I CAN'T BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE FOR THE ANGST THAT YOU REQUEST (<- made myself sad over Mappi and worries I may be in trouble for this one). Obligatory "I don't hate Kotoko and think she's very complex but from these character's pov I had to make her solely scary I'm sorry." And of course I was prioritizing this 👀👀👀 I really loved your nightmare sequences, I tried to make one that completed the set but was still unique!! Thank you for the request >:3
TW for referencing her bf's suicide, and descriptions of the attack injuries
“Aw, come on, you can tell me~” Yuno turned her attention away from where she’d been helping Mahiru with dinner. “Both Fuuta and Amane have had nightmares about her. Hell, I’ve had a nightmare or two about her. I won’t think you’re a mean person for admitting it.”
“I’m not lying,” Mahiru insisted. Her lips rounded into a little pout.
Yuno studied her expression. The girl had a way of really looking at someone when she wanted to. Sometimes it was a wonderful feeling – her gaze could be full of understanding, warmth. You were seen. You were heard. She saw you for all that you were.
But in times like these, Mahiru found herself shifting under the pressure of it. Yuno was truly seeing her. She could see how Mahiru’s smile was frozen in its forced shape these past few weeks. She could see the way she flinched at loud noises, or how all the blood drained from her face when Kotoko’s voice echoed from the room next door. In waking, there was no doubt Mahiru was afraid of her. In sleep, though…
Yuno took her hands in both of hers.
“Then… what do you dream about?”
—
Mahiru was in the woods. She was running, her feet bare, her breath hitching.
At first, she thought she was fleeing something. Danger and death loomed around her. The trees closed in. The canopy plunged her into darkness. The branches reached out to tear at her flowered dress, or snag on her hair. The trees pressed close to suffocate her. She grabbed at her throat.
At some point, it became clear she was running towards something. A figure came into her view, just ahead. Though he didn’t appear to be running, she couldn’t catch up to him. She had to. He was in danger. She had to get to him. She had to stop him.
He entered a clearing up ahead. Mahiru could just barely see into it. She tried to scream out, begging him to stop, but no words came out of her wheezing mouth. She could stop everything, she could stop all of this, if only –
She burst through the clearing. The figure, now a young woman, stood in the center. She faced away.
Mahiru tried again to tell Kotoko to stop, but it didn’t matter whether or not she could speak, now; it was too late.
On the ground below, between tree roots and scattered leaves, lay two small bodies.
Mahiru’s hands flew to cover her mouth. Her legs grew weak with horror. There was blood everywhere, and bones bent at wrong angles. Fuuta’s limbs were twisted and limp. Amane had curled herself to cover her face, blood streaming from between her fingers.
Kotoko, too, had red-stained hands. She surveyed her work with pride.
“What… have you done…?”
Slowly, Kotoko turned. Mahiru wanted to turn around and run before those bloodthirsty eyes could land on her. Her legs stayed frozen in place even as her heart raced in her chest.
Kotoko met her gaze. Then, she gave a gentle smile.
“Thank you.”
Mahiru stumbled back a few steps.
“You let this happen.”
“No…”
“You did. You could have stopped this, but you didn’t. Thank you.”
“I-I didn’t –! This isn’t – ! I thought –”
“You knew this was going to happen.” She spoke a familiar name, and Mahiru shook her head violently. “You knew what he was planning. You had plenty of chances to stop him. You didn't. You knew what I was planning. You know how to calm people down, how to bring groups together. But you didn’t speak to me once about it. You wanted this to happen.”
“I didn’t!” She said it frantically, unsure if she was trying to convince Kotoko, the two beaten prisoners, herself, or someone else. “I didn’t.” The statement was true, but it didn’t change anything that Kotoko had said.
The forest closed in. Kotoko reached a hand out, beckoning to her.
“We make a good team, don’t we?”
“No…”
Mahiru was struck with the thought that she didn’t want to take hold of such a disgusting hand, only to glance down at her own. They were just as slick with blood. She let out a shriek.
It was Amane’s. It was Fuuta’s. It was his.
Mahiru’s legs finally gave out on her. When she looked up, Kotoko was still smiling.
“So… who will be next?”
—
Mahiru slipped away from Yuno’s grasp.
“Oh, don’t you worry about little old me!” She turned back to their work. She brushed her hands off on her apron, giving them an extra swipe for good measure. “I promise, Kotoko isn’t the villain in my dreams.”
#milgram#mahiru shiina#yuno kashiki#kotoko yuzuriha#i kept it in the order i got everything but i was definitely thinking of it nonstop adfsdf#im forever crazy about mahiru's murder-through-inaction theme#since all of the others were pretty direct even if accidental#i firmly believe she knew what her bf was planning and didnt stop him/actively said shed join him because she didnt know how to handle#the situation properly#and if she prides herself so much on being good with people and making friends and bringing people together i wonder if shed feel#responsible for not deescalating kotoko beforehand#plus the more immediate survivors guilt that if she was just in the other room maybe it would have been her and not fuuta/amane#at first i wanted to work in more mv symbols (birds cake carousel horses) because i love wacky and surreal dream sequences#but it got to be distracting when i was planning it out lmao so i decided to stick with the two major trauma moments#vibing on my trip rn but i had just a few lines of this one to finish so i wanted to post it when i had a few minutes...#though now i need to go and pretend im not crying over mappi 😭😭😭😭😭#drabbles#order of attack#(to go back and make it an official tag later)
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rise raph dying first in the apocalypse and likely not making it past 25 is actually my roman empire.. especially because of the odds that he gave himself up for his brothers all the way through to his very end out of nothing but whole hearted love for his family... I COULD SCREAM ABOUT THIS FOR HOURS BRO I HEART HIM TOO MUCH
EXACTLY!!! EXACTLY ARHRKFIKEIDIOWIDD AGHHDHDHDHHHAAAAAHHHH!!!
he was destined to die young in the bad future because he is a protector! i just KNOW he fought to the very end for them. and then, after he had given enough, he could finally rest knowing the three of them had each other after he was gone. he loved his brothers and he died first—for them!! I KNOW THIS I KNOW THIS!!!
#SCREAMING AND CRYING ETCETERA#i.. i think a lot about how the resistance must’ve been totally shaken after he died#he was the ROCK!!! YKNOW???#and donnie and mikey and leo kept going FOR HIM#tw death#just to be safe#may answers#rottmnt#rise#tmnt#by may
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oh my god i got so emotional SHUT UUUUUP
#911#911verse#evan buckley#so this is what crying about a character is actually like#like i do be crying at times dont get me wrong#but i just love buck so much. i kept stopping the episode and going. omg omg omg#omg its happening. omg idk if i can actually watch this. omg its happening !!!!!!!!!!!#jesus christ JESUS CHRIST#like i know we throw the word around a lot but this is MY SON#and everything that happened in the episode. it was like it was happening to me#i felt actual physical damage and actual butterflies as the kiss moment approached#like theY DID THAT#THEY MADE MY BI SON CANONICALLY BI#idk to have this shift in a characters perception this late in a procedural….. 911 you gods#i really hope they can somehow make more seasons cause they would deserve ti#it. and like. this doesn’t have to be the end of buddie??#they could get them together at any time bc buck realizing hes into men is a lot other worm can than buck realizing hes in love with#his best friend. i just dont know how they would do it with eddie bc they would have to pull a lot of focus over there too with a big#chance of feeling repetitive with their narratives#maybe they just show them together after a timejump and say they worked some stuff out idk lmao#ANYWAY I AM STILL CRYING BECAUSE BUCK MY SON IS A CANONICAL BISEXUAL JEALOUS DISASTER JUST LIKE HIS MAMA ❤️#THIS IS WHAT REPRESENTATION IS ACTUALLY ALL ABOUT (and i mean his horrifying handling of the feelings of being left out of course lmao)#THE LOOK EDDIE SHOT HIM TOO#i am too frazzled rn i just need to scream i think#hi. im sorry this is me coming out of the 911 closet now that wwdits is on hiatus#evan buckley!!!!!#SON OF MY SONS#LIGHT OF MY LIFE#APPLE OF MY EYE
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i like thinking about them giving a kiss to each other because they love each other :>
#could be platonic or romantic#something in between probably#they always want to take care of the other and are soulmates#i think about conan doing something super dangerous and apparently dying but kid has to stay strong because he knows conan is durable and#if there's a 1% chance he can survive he will!!#so kid waits for him getting increasingly worried until he's about to cry#then conan shows up scratched up but fine#and kid has to give him a hug and a kiss because he was too worried#i tried to draw it in the picture#my art#dcmk#kaishin#kidcon#kaito kid#conan edogawa#applying ai wa itsumo's lyrics to their relationship kept making me think about them showing affection in a direct way :'D#(the ship tags can be platonic i guess it's just an intense but not necessarily romantic relationship!!)
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Finn being overly touchy with Fern, not in a creep way, but just because of that constant fear that he'll blink and Fern'll be gone. Constant shoulder touches. Accidental bumps.
They're dungeoning, and-
"... Why are you holding my hand?"
"It's a maze! I don't want us to get separated, y'know?"
Fern's not buying it. But every time something bad almost happens to Fern, all Finn can see in his mind's eye is...
#finnfern#finncest#image heavy#IN COME ALONG WITH ME FINN DIDN'T CRY WHEN HE THOUGHT HE HIMSELF WAS GOING TO DIE#BUT HE CRIED OVER FERN!!#do you think he blames himself#and then do you think he feels guilty over blaming himself#feels selfish over mourning because fern actually felt like himself again after the grass demon was killed but it meant finn#had to let him go#do you think he wonders if he'd have kept the grass demon alive if he knew. do you think he thinks he's terrible for even considering it#ok these tags don't even have to do with the 'fern lives' au these are just questions about canon
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⟢ highlight of the hour: daily dose of sunshine [7/12] ⟣
louder than words
#daily dose of sunshine#korean drama#park bo young#mmkfav#ddoshoth#mygif#YUP#yup yup yup another scene that made me cry#i absolutely loved this scene#i loved it so much#i loved how chief nurse song didnt say anything#she simply showed up and sat down and kept the dad some much needed company#so as to say that shes there for him and she can sympathize with him and that she cares about him#gaaaah just thinking about this scene makes me emotional#no words were spoken during this scene but so much was said
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the anxiety pills arent even working :c
#maybe a little bit actually#before i took it i felt hysterical and my chest burned and i cried#now after a while i dont feel that as much#i just feel empty and hollow#im just so upset and sad#why cant he understand how much i love him and what i'd do for him#or maybe he does understand he just doesnt care about my love?#idk ... maybe i just keep hurting him? idk i jusg wish he'd tell me#and i wish .. he could see that i dont mean to hurt him. but maybe... he wants me to know and not do it? idk#anyway... the pill might've helped a little but i still cant stop thinking about it#i cant believe i was dumb enough to not learn my lesson#and that i kept venting and being crazy and aaying dumb shit#and that some of my mental breakdown vent that i dont even mean hurt him#i should've just stopped using my blog for that from the start#now he doesnt even follow me anymore.....#i know it sounds utterly silly but the fact that im not important enough for him to follow hurts so bad#i feel worthless now why do i even exist if he doesnt see me?#i get why he wants his ex though. she's x10000 better than me in every way#i wish i'd never came into his life and messed with him like that#i dont wanna hurt him and i feel so bad. i should've just left him alone and not caused a meas#mess*#fml i wanna cry i hate myself so bad
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this is so stupix and ive probably vented abt this to like a million people by now but my uncle basically confirming it will never be safe for me to come out as aroace to him has like fucked me up so hard.
all i wanted was to go on my 2nd walk for the night and instead for like half an hour i just got yelled at about how unnatural i am and how as soon as i "go out into the world" and have sex (something i made clear i don't want & will never have) i'll be fine and normal and that it's actually "so sad" i seem so sure i don't want a lover bcuz they're so much better and the connection u have with them will always be so much deeper then friends and oh yeah, all my friends are gonna leave me behind and never see me again when im older bcuz they'll all be in relationships and i won't lol;
all that happened because i made an off-handed comment abt never wanting a romantic or sexual relationship and later saying i haven't felt attracted to anyone. btw. yeah. im never coming out
#vent#aphobia#of course this isnt even mentioning the long winded speech about how i need to go to therapy and they'll fix me and make me want sex -#and romance like a 'normal' and 'human' teenager bcuz not wanting a romantic relationship is against the human condition & makes u -#completely inhuman after all!#never coming out never ever. fuck this i hate this fucking family#the rest of the walk wasnt even that bad after i stopped crying (i dont even think he realized. just kept yelling lmao.) like we did -#genuinely have some personal talks and it felt good to get some of it off my chest as i'd never told him abt it but like#literally all i could think abt was the fact i would never feel safe coming out to him.
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Girl like. The reason he said "this is how it should be" and faced death with a smile....is cuz he wanted to die. For 2 years he sat there thinking he was worthless and deserved to die. If he hadn’t be shot, his death would’ve been suicide, he was fully planning to die in a gutter somewhere undetected. When saying "this is how it should be" hes literally saying "don’t cry because I’m dying, my death is a good thing actually because I fucking suck and you are better off without me". I don’t think that’s badass even slightly, it’s actually really sad and really shitty. Shinjiro is so convinced that he deserves to die and hates the idea of anyone giving a shit about him because he literally can’t wrap his mind around the idea that he will be missed when he’s gone, that his death is a bad thing actually. And his last words were meant to be comforting because he fully did not intend for anyone to be there when he died, he intended to die alone, so he says them as a reminder that he’s not worth crying over
Personally, if it were me, if I was holding my dying best friend in my arms who was deeply depressed and suicidal and he said "this is how it should be" uh. I wouldn’t admire him for it??? Like am I losing my mind when I say the way this game handles Shinji is bad or is anyone else seeing this too 😰
#its like okay listen i understand the basic math of any persona game they say things and everything they say is actually#very bad when you think about it for more than 3 seconds#like what theyre intending to do with the death of this character is be like oh no your sad friend dies tragically thats so saddddd#but that doesnt mean you cant live a wonderful life full of meaning you cant let grief consume you life is beautiful awagga#and i guess shinji is a specific character whos used cuz i guess its more tragic that he never realized he was worthy of life and shit#and i guess its also like ‘dont be like this guy who let grief consume him and then died you gotta Be Different’#which i dont. love. that last part cuz if you think about shinji and what led him down this road#its like. of course hes depressed! he accidentally killed a woman with a child when he was 16!#he himself is an orphan and he just made some other kid an orphan as well and it happened cuz his persona went out of control#which very much can translate to ‘this must mean im dangerous and can hurt everyone if im not kept under control’#so of course he isolated himself and believed he was evil and became suicidal like who wouldnt feel that way#like am i supposed to be mad he left sees and took drugs cuz uh while i dont think isolation or Evil Drug is good for his mental health#i dont think him continuing to fight in sees is something he can just easily do again given how he killed someone like he shouldnt have to#be a part of this thing anymore like how would he even safely get castor to not do that??? he cant kill more people on accident!#so yeah like using shinji as an example of bad coping mechanisms is already just. a big fucking oof to me like it just feels like the game#is saying he shouldve gotten over it and simply not be suicidal and stayed on the team. idk if thats the intent but uh it wouldnt faze me#cuz persona games are notoriously awful at writing characters who are traumatized and abused#but what makes everything even worse is how the game kinda like. acts like shinjis death is a stepping stone#like we’re supposed to use it as a wake up call and understand the stakes but keep going on anyways#and akihiko and Ken get. ‘great character development’ according to the game telling you they have now developed#but damn all akihiko is is just repressed he cries for 3 seconds and then is like I SHOULD MAN UP and then neglects a depressed child#shinjis dying words are words to live by now even though they piss me the fuck off like girl am i crazy HES FUCKING#HES TELLING ME NOT TO CRY OVER HIM BECAUSE HE SHOULD BE DEAD ACTUALLY AND THIS IS A GOOD THING ACTUALLY#like if the game wants us to still find meaning in life despite losing someone it just really hurts that shinji has to die for that to work#apparently. cuz the character i see myself in is shinji. not some perfect prettyboy who does everything perfectly and has 4 gfs#his death seems like a punishment for bad behavior. the bad behavior being of course depression and drug use. and im simply supposed to be#better than that if i want to live. and we dont get to form a connection with him cuz thats gayyyyy#and his death is like a NOBLE HEROIC SACRIFICE idk its just such bullshit to me i hate it so bad#how is killing a suicidal guy and then treating it as admirable that he said ‘this is how it should be’ supposed to make me feel#makes me feel sick personally and it ruins the entire game’s theme to me because its fucking shallow and the story is bad and im tired
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#my fatal flaw is actually that i will never actually give anyone consequences for treating me like shit#like. you could stab me and i’d probably apologize to you#i got an uber bc i really didn’t want to wait 45min for the bus (plus the hour bus ride)#and like i literally hadn’t even buckled my seatbelt before the driver started complaining to me about how he’s losing so much money on#this trip and how lyft is screwing him over and that i should tip him $10 for his troubles and like.#i asked him if he wanted me to get out and find another one and he just kept avoiding the question#while still telling me how much this trip was costing him and quite literally making me feel like shit for requesting the ride#and i ended up changing the drop off location to somewhere that was like. closer bc i just didn’t want to be in the car anymore#and after i did that he was still going#like. i’m sitting in the back of his car on the fucking highway getting berated bc i just wanted to fucking go home after work#and you know what i did?#gave him 5 stars and 25% tip bc ‘well he shouldn’t lose his job just bc i had a bad experience’#but now im sitting here at a mall waiting for my mom to come pick me up and trying not to cry#and i wish i would’ve like. given a truthful ride review or just skipped it bc like#no i don’t want him to lose his job and if i give him one star he possibly could#but also that guy was literally being a massive dick to me and i literally tipped him for it.#i want to be a nice person always but like. i think sometimes me being nice is just letting ppl do whatever the want and being complacent#and i fucking hate it#after like a while of him going on i stopped him and was like#hey man i get its tough and i feel for you but it’s not my fault and i really don’t feel like talking rn#so im gonna put my headphones in#and this motherfucker goes ‘umm ok i mean thats kind of awkward but ok’#LIKE YOU DIDNT MAKE IT AWKWARD THE MOMENT I GOT IN YOUR CAR#expect maybe im overreacting?????????#anyway. um everything is bad and terrible rn and i just wanna go home but ive still got an hour before my mom gets off work :)#if you actually read all of this i 1) am so sorry and 2) literally love u and also im sorry
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Me: "I don't like people, I prefer being on my own and not talking"
People: "oh okay we'll leave you be then"
Me: "wait no PLEASE COME BACK I WANT LOVE-"
#its not that i dont like people. its just that i have resorted to avoiding people out of habit and a sense that i make things worse#like its not that i DON'T want to message my friend. its just that I cant bring myself to since i usually dont#ha ha ha. god i am desperate to just speak to people but I want to be left alone and im scared of people turning out to be mean#i kinda feel like crying when i see people say how they love their friends and cuddle up with them and have fun#lol one of my old best friends caused me to have awful anxiety about myself because he judged and made fun of ke constantly#oh yeah and that other time after i broke up with a friend because we stupidly decided to try and date and it didnt go well#the bastard asked the person out that night. they said no because they aren't an ass or dumb. god i should have left him when he said that#oh yeah he also made fun of my sunny cosplay i did and then left me alone in the comic con crowd for half an hour#as someone with anxiety that fucked me up just a little#so yeah bad past friendships and terrible social skills have left me to just go lol cant get hurt if i dont have friends!#ha ha. this is agony.#i have like one actaul friend i talk to and she's going through some stuff and wants to be left alone#which is understandable but now I'm talking to absolutely no one#also even if i were to talk to people i just feel i make things worse#i feel like im obnoxious and weird constantly and I'm sobscsred that people are going to think I'm creepy#its not that im doing anything super weird its just that with my autism I can get overly excited and start rambling and not thinking#yet another reason why I've chosen to stop speaking as much#im also just really snappy sometimes#I remember a while ago someone i was kinda friends with asked me if i was okay and i said i was fine#they kept pushing because they were concerned and no ones ever really done that so i kind of panicked and raised my voice at them#i wasn't angry i just never had someone try and actually pry that deep before other than maybe my parents#they seem like a lovely person but i still feel so horrible for doing that to them#sure i apologises later and they understood but i felt like it was one of the most awful things ive done to someone#i hate even the thought of being cruel or mean and all they were trying to do was help and i snapped at them for it#sorry for being ranty but I'm starting to think im really not okay#I've pondered the idea of possibly having deppression but thats a conversation for my counselor#again sorry for sumoing and ill probably delete this soon#if anyone has read all of this im honestly impressed#personal rambles#vent tag
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