the anxiety pills arent even working :c

.

Oh god give me strength

Wow, they weren't kidding. Those nightmares can really hit you in your fears and anxieties

Vent under cut (if you read you have to promise not to judge and not to let it affect your perception of me)

I just dreamt that one of my friends texted me something along the lines of "Hey, I need to level with you. I found a romantic partner, and while this hasn't happened before, they fulfill all of my needs so let's not talk anymore" so basically just telling me they didn't need me anymore because they had a partner now so I should stop talking to them. And I know it sounds stupid and like it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things (it's certainly far from the worst I've had), but fuck has it been hard not to be afraid I'm gonna be left alone lately, and my brain just had to spell it out for me. I swear my heart physically hurt when I woke up lmfao, that's how bad it scared me.

I have to imagine it would be easier to deal with the actual, concrete, physical problems I have irl if I weren't also constantly anxious about losing everyone I care about. I'm a terrible friend so I don't see why they shouldn't get tired of me soon and move onto someone better. I know at least they deserve better. And what else do I have going for me if not my friends? They're the only reason I'm still sane. Fml.

I hate that I'm like this. I hate that it genuinely scares me to the point of making me feel physically sick. I've been getting the urge to self isolate again - granted, I've been busy and exhausted so that also makes it harder to socialize - but a part of me still can't help but feel like it would be easier to take it into my own hands, to strike first so it doesn't catch me by surprise. It's my fault that I'm afraid to lose anyone, anyway, for daring to let myself get close to them in the first place. But it always feels so good at first, doesn't it? I always get carried away by that feeling, even knowing what's inevitably coming, sooner or later.

I can't help but think I'm a horrible person for thinking that way, too. I literally come here and publicly display red flags every other day lmao. So I don't understand how my friends still think I'm worth being friends with. Why they didn't jump ship early on like the ones who did. They were right. I'm not worth the risk. I really aren't.

I don't know what's wrong with me, but there is something really wrong going on deep inside, and I really do feel it every day. No matter what I do I'm gonna end up hurting someone I really care about, either by pushing them away or pulling them in close, and I'm not sure which possibility scares me more. I should've stayed alone when I had the chance. It's not fair of me to drag others down with me - to drag really good people who don't deserve it down with me. Just because being alone was starting to hurt me. How selfish, isn't it? It was downright stupid to think I could do things right this time. I don't think I really believed it, I just wanted an excuse.

I really do hate myself a lot. I hate this is how I am, and how I feel, and how I think. I just wanna curl up and cry and forget there is a world outside of me at all. What I've really needed for a while is a shoulder to cry on. But when I try to open up to someone it feels like they jump straight to offering advice or trying to cheer me up or just get uncomfortable and change the topic, and, if they don't, I feel pressured to wrap it up quickly so as to not burden them too much. So how am I expected to open up when it feels like I'm not welcome to do so in my own terms? I'm so sick and tired of bottling shit up. I just want to let things suck sometimes. Because they suck and it's exhausting to pretend it doesn't affect me.

Sigh. I really do just need to break down in someone's arms. But really I just wanna lay down and die. Fml.

why am i crying at your sweet note? it's like our baby is finally grown up and leaving for college. okay time to cry cry. LETS GAUR~

all Sunghoon wanted to know was if you were okay.

I WILL NEVER BE OKAY, YA HOE

He hadn’t cried in years, yet there he was; standing on a dimly lit street, tears leaving his eyes as he desperately tried wiping them away using the sleeve of his shirt.

asdfghjk i guess i feel bad ugh

Your phone turned off, refusing to accept reality - refusing to accept the fact that it had all been nothing but a lie.

ugh this hit a little too close to home. we all had our emo days and yeah, turning off our phones and not wanting to face reality is just it.

Sunghoon making you believe he actually felt something towards you or Jake not telling you about the bet in the first place.

): this ugh i hated high school boys so much because YEP! similar situation smh

Jake quickly realized you weren’t going to reply, letting out a small sigh as his gaze left your side profile only to meet his own shoes.

I HAVE A BONE TO PICK WITH YOU, JAKE!!!!

With Jake’s hand intertwined in yours and the spring breeze hitting your face, your heart felt lighter than it had done an hour earlier; all thanks to Jake.

UM EXCUSE ME? YN you can have sunghoe! JAKE COME HERE DHAJHSAJ

the words of you being spotted holding hands with Jake reached him.

my entire body laughing and shaking at sunghoe!!!!!

You’re being petty.

JAY PUT A RING ON MY FINGER RIGHT NOW! Matter of fact, I'll go put a ring on his finger

‘’What the fuck, Y/N?’’

Was the only thing Sunghoon let out as soon as the door opened.

NO U WTF, SUNGHOE

What he needed was to stay right where he was, with you. He needed to stay with you before he lost his mind.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH INSERT INCOHERENT NOISES SHAKJAK SAGE YOU DID NOT FUCK MY HEART OMG MY HEART LEGIT LEAPT OUT OF MY FUCKING CHEST AND DROPPED T_T I don't want you sunghoon, GTFO

fighting the urge to slap him across the face.

let me volunteer!!!!!

"You’re fucking miserable Sunghoon, does this feed your ego? Did breaking my heart feed your fucking ego?’’ At this point, you were rambling.

okay me crying because holy shit, i wished i had done this back then BUT IT'S OKAY

He wanted to grab you, pull you into his chest, and just let you cry. He wanted to apologize, he wanted to kiss your forehead and tell you over and over how sorry he was; that breaking your heart didn’t feed his ego, that he never meant for it to be this way.

SHUT THE FUCK UP, PARK SUNGHOON T____T im in my moment, let me fucking cry, hoe

But as you covered your face using both your hands, he could no longer fight the urge to pull you into his chest.

I AM ON THE FLOOR, DO U HEAR ME?!

Leaning down, his lips met yours; his hand still caressing your cheek.

uh i just left town bye

your whole neck on display for him.

brb choking myself

‘’I hate you,’’ You mumbled between kisses, causing yet another groan to leave his lips. ‘’I know baby, I know,’’ He mumbled as he pulled away

SAGE I AM SUING YOU FOR THE PAIN IN MY HEART FML @_@

‘’I’ll fuck you hard if that’s what you want,’’ He hissed, his tip brushing against your g-spot.

i just fainted and cant get back up. I SAID SHOW ME HOW SORRY NOT FUCK ME HARD WTF

maybe, crossing paths with Park Sunghoon wasn’t so bad after all.

SAGE MAJOR WHAT THE FUCK? you dont get to run. COME BACK HERE!

first things first, holy shit, i am so emo??? and then I got all gushy and giddy because sunghoe's sorry ass came to apologize!!!! afterwards, I guess the love making made up for it -_- I STILL HATE HIM ugh once a hoe ALWAYS a hoe!!! T-T I just wanna punch him but also hug him at the same time. i cant stand his stupid pretty ugly face. this was so good, sage. SO FUCKING GOOD!!!!!!! i cannot wait for game over because huhusadhajskdjak ok bye

GENIE I’M FUCKING WHEEZING AT UR REACTION PLEASEEEEEENSNSB

first of all YES LITERALLY?? like off she goes to college </3 i’m lowkey sad it’s over like this is our baby fr

FIRST OF ALL NOT LAUGHING AT HOON CRYING IN THE DARK?!/!!/ GENIE PLSSSS i literally CACKLED when i read it bc same i wrote it while rolling my eyes bc why tf are u sad hoe. u don’t have the right to be sad.

also y/n can keep sunghoe we literally do not want him anywhere near us thankfully jake and jay r still single 💍 don’t be shy now jakey pookie come over here

THE “uh i just left town bye” AND “I SAID SHOW ME HOW SORRY NOT FUCK ME HARD” IM FUCKIFN CRYINGGGG GENIE IM ACTUALLY CRACKING UP I SWEAR TO GOD UR REACTIONS R ALWAYS THE BEST U NEVER FAIL TO MAKE ME LAUGH

& to finish things off, as genie once said, ONCE A HOE ALWAYS A HOE !!!! sunghoe will never learn and he’ll probably break y/ns heart AGAIN . i just didn’t have it in me to give them a sad ending </3 she should’ve ended up with jake

THANK U SO MUCH FOR UR KIND WORDS GENIE MY LOVE <3 i’m super excited for u to read game over, now that sunghoe is gone it’s time for fratboy hoeseung…. i don’t think we’re ready for this :’) I LOVE U HOE THANK U ONCE AGAIN FOR HELPING ME OUT without u bed of lies part four would’ve never happened 🫶🫶

A lot has happened since I last posted anything, so since the hospital night. Actually same night I find out she’s “moved on” and already seeing someone? Who was also there that night, which is the reason why I didn’t get to see much of her since she was too busy with him. I found out after she came back from being with him, they went and spoke alike in the car for 2 hours and I sat next to her begging like a dog, because that’s where I am at right now and then her phone rings and it’s a guy. She doesn’t call guys at night, I insist on asking who that is. She lied to me at first then eventually told me, she’s known him for a month now and they have been talking and have surprisingly seen each other more in a week alone then I have over the course of 9 months! Anyways I balled my eyes out that night and many nights following that night, I’m balling my eyes out as I write this. Anyways I walked home that night from the hospital, an hour walk until she was “worried” as told me to take a taxi. She says she doesn’t love me at all anymore and wants nothing to do with me. Can that be true? You don’t love someone anymore who you planned your future with? Can it be true?

Anyways, I’ve never cried so much for anything in my life, not a death nothing. And here I am crying like a baby every night and throughout the day, more stuff happened but no need details. My mum and sister found out, and I got her a promise ring with a note (which she got today but was too busy since she was out on a date with whoever that guy is). Yes, she was out on a date! While I was balling my eyes out at home, mind you she promised me to take it slow. If this is slow then what was the initial plan???? I begged her for 9 months to go out, we only went out alone 3 times! “Someone might see”, “I can’t lie to my parents”, “I don’t have time” always had an excuse! Always! And honestly I respected that excuse. But what changed now? Was no one gonna see? Did you tell your parents you’re going on a date or you lied? And you are the busiest now then you have ever been with everything going on with your family.

I just hate to see that there is more effort and attention being put with this new guy then there was with me. It hurts so bad 😭.

I know she cares about me, she says she does, but every time I try to mention something she says I have a lot going on right now and I don’t know what I’m doing. Yet she has the time to go out on a date and know what she’s doing there. Back to the promise ring with a note, she still hasn’t read the note, why? Because she was busy, I thought busy with family which I fully understand, but nope more like busy with dates and “getting to know him”.

Holy fuck my chest burns, my heart aches, my mouth is dry, I don’t know whether to cry or laugh or scream. I wanna punch the wall, I wanna punch someone, I’ll punch myself. I’ve never been this vulnerable and just plain pathetic. I cry uncontrollably, like someone’s died (I haven’t even cried like this when people I know died). I want her back, I need her back, I love her so much.

She told me to focus on myself and work harder and all that shit, give her time and space and “maybe” we’ll work out. And trust me I’m more than willing to give her all that, I’ll do anything for her, but how can I give her space and time while she’s out there consciously going out and getting to know a guy and talking to him and seeing him and everything? How can I sit by and watch all that? Please tell me how? Just how? I’m in love with this girl, I can’t stop thinking about her, I can’t!

It’s hard as fuck, but it would have been a little easier if there wasn’t a guy involved. She says she needs to focus on herself, then why is she already having someone in her life? Does she really need someone in her life right now? It just doesn’t make sense, nothing makes sense. I wanna fucking kill myself, fuck my fucking life, I hate it so much, FML 😭😭😭

Also also also, the day I found out she was already talking to someone I told her that I write about her everyday and I showed her, she read it…guess what, nothing, she said nothing, she said move on. I’m pouring my heart out here and nothing, why does this hurt so much 😭

I miss her so fucking much and I’m so insanely in love with her. But she’s already going out on dates and meeting up with this dude and getting to know him and everything 😭

All the horrible questions (from the one dude who forgot his tumblr password fml)

Not sure if this is Taeman or Jae or maybe some other dude that’s in the same boat as those two but here we go--- Hope you remember your password man

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents? Yes.  02: Who did you last say “I love you” to? Probably Lu or @blueskybaek 03: Do you regret anything? A few things but at the end of the day I am glad for all the things good and bad that I had encountered so far because they brought me and shaped me into who I am today. 04: Are you insecure? I am quite confident in general but we all have our moments 05: What is your relationship status? Spoiling @frczenpcetry rotten 24/7 06: How do you want to die? Okay I have been told I am weird for this one because I got asked this before and my answer is always the same (and apparently strange) but here it is: Drowning.  07: What did you last eat? A milkshake?? 08: Played any sports? Bowling, swimming, dancing??, basketball back in high school 09: Do you bite your nails? Nope 10: When was your last physical fight? A month or so ago? 11: Do you like someone? I do. 12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours? Lol yes 13: Do you hate anyone at the moment? Yes 14: Do you miss someone? Yes 15: Have any pets? Yep. 3 cats and counting 16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment? Worn-out and ready to sleep 17: Ever made out in the bathroom? Yep 18: Are you scared of spiders? Nope 19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? Yes. Not to change anything but to spend more time with my dad. 20: Where was the last place you snogged someone? In bed I think? Snogged tho-- 21: What are your plans for this weekend? Hopefully relax 22: Do you want to have kids? How many? I am collecting them already-- Honestly tho I do love kids and despite not thinking of myself as decent parent material I would definitely try my best. Let’s try out one and take it from there--- 23: Do you have piercings? How many? Oh man... 3 in my left ear 2 in my right ear, I use to have a tongue one too but haven’t wore it in so long it needs probably redone.. 24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)? Music, Physics, PE lol 25: Do you miss anyone from your past? Duh 26: What are you craving right now? Sleep possibly a holiday 27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart? Not intentionately.  28: Have you ever been cheated on? No 29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? Yes 30: What’s irritating you right now? Myself lol 31: Does somebody love you? Yes 32: What is your favourite color? Red 33: Do you have trust issues? Yep 34: Who/what was your last dream about? Drowning 35: Who was the last person you cried in front of? Luhan orz  36: Do you give out second chances too easily? Not really. Depends on the situation I guess..Seeing how I have anger issues I tend to need a long time to calm down and analyse things with a cool mind and maybe even longer to consider second chances... 37: Is it easier to forgive or forget? To forgive 38: Is this year the best year of your life? Even just being better than last year would be perfect to me. I guess we will see. So far it’s looking promising. 39: How old were you when you had your first kiss? I was in kindergarten oh my god I also came home and thought that meant that we are married now. My mom laughed so hard 40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked? Not outside per se but I once ended up locked on a balcony while completely naked lol 51: Favourite food? Ice cream & my mom’s cooking 52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason? Sometimes. I also believe we make our own luck. 53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? Had a meaningful conversation 54: Is cheating ever okay? Cheating is so unnecessary I cannot even stress enough. You are attracted to someone else to the point that you would endanger the relationship you have then just break up with the person and do what you want. Going behind someone who cares for you’s back is a cowardly and shitty thing to do.  55: Are you mean? I can be. 56: How many people have you fist fought? Lately not so many... 57: Do you believe in true love? Hm 58: Favourite weather? Sunny spring days 59: Do you like the snow? Yep 60: Do you wanna get married? No thanks 61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? I am a fan of babe more but yeah  62: What makes you happy? Ice cream, my family, my friends, my cats, a certain shortcake, sleep, Bro nights with @quixoticstxrs 63: Would you change your name? No??? 64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? Not at all seeing that he sleeps right next to me 65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? Reject her because I wouldn’t want to ruin our friendship.  66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?  YES @l0vedheart 67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? Siyeon 68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? Luhan 69: Do you believe in soulmates? I believe in two people who complement each other and work well as a team.  70: Is there anyone you would die for? My fam.

I’m 19. So young and yet too old.

I’m currently at this point in my life where everybody I know expects me to be at uni, studying focusing on school, getting a degree.

But I am not.

Whenever I talk about my worries, people usually either laugh at me jokingly, scoff at me, or furroe they brows whenever I say “I think my life is headed nowhere.” after I say something like that they would often say “But you’re still way too young to worry.” I know, okay.

But that’s not the case.

Yes I am young, yes I have more years ahead of me but it isn’t that easy to build yourself from nothing and to accept this reality of series hardships called life. Honestly I am forced into a situation where I needed to grow up and be there for myself when my mother died.

But I never did actually learned to stand on my own.

Instead I just learned to set aside ny feelings and emotions and just bottle them up. Because that’s how growing up was depicted around me. “You need to toughen up.”, “You’re own your own now, so stop being so emotional.”, “Those tears won’t get you anywhere.” , “There’s nothing you can do about *this* certain situation so get pass it.” those were the usual words I heard from people around me whom today disappeared and couldn’t care any less.

You might be wondering, but she must have her father with her right? Yes, yes I actually do. But the thing is my father and I had this weird relationship since I really didn’t grew up with him, he worked abroad all my life almost and just turn up like 3 years ago after my mother died and after he had been layed off from his job. And so we never really gotten any close or talked about emotions and stuff and all these things you probably talk about your parents with.

I swear when you have the chance and opportunity PLEASE DO TALK TO YOUR PARENTS, because it’s all I ever wanted but couldn’t. Don’t get me wrong I tried. I told my father that I think I’m depressed *without diagnosis yet* and I told him that maybe I should have myself checked.

YES FOLKS I WANTED TO GARNER ALL THE HELP I CAN GET BECAUSE I KNOW I AM NOT OKAY —I WAS NOT OKAY I HAVE ALWAYS HAD THESE REOCURRING THOUGHTS OF SADNESS,LONELINESS, SUICIDE and over all PESSIMISM.

But you know what he had just replied to me? “It’s all in your head.” —oof. When he said that I didn’t want to take it by heart because maybe he didn’t mean it or maybe people his age doesn’t really understand mental health as much as our generation do, because of the stuff we get through and suffer from.

So I let it pass.

My days aren’t always sad, lonely or dark. Some days I ALMOST THOUGHT I am FINALLY FINE AND BETTER. But some days like today I just feel like genuine shit. And the more I look at myself physically, my state in life, my current situation the more I sulk and just crawl back to this dark place.

HONESTLY, I will tell you this. I rarely go out of the house and interact most of my interactions are online and some at work but most are shallow *I think?* Also I am not doing anything almost literally.

I know it’s a bad habit, but the FACT THAT I CAN’T PUSH MYSELF TO DO ANYTHING and I KNOW IT IS JUST—-like how? What do I do, I try my best to find things to cheer up. I really do you don’t even know. I stan BTS, other kpop groups, try and chat with users online find friends, sometimes I try to go out and eat with a real life friend. I watch countless funny videos. I cuddle with my cats, sleep, I edit photos/videos.

But nothing seem to fill in this gaping hole I have.

NOTHING. LASTS.

It’s easier really to just hope that when I close my eyes I won’t wake-up because honestly that’s what I want a painless death.

Because a year ago I tried to hurt myself, but I couldn’t do it. I just can’t the thought just always comes up but the worst I did was just a few cuts not even that deep.

Okay, when I said earlier I have no tears left to cry, now I take that back because I know every time I walk this earth I’m always on the verge if crying and breaking down.

But I always try to hold it up, suck it up and just “TRY” to be strong.

I am so bad at many things and good at abosolutely nothing.

1. I love to write but I have never finished anything.

2. I love editing photos/videos but I don’t think it’s that remarkable to be noticed.

3. I love music but have never really did anything to learn it or be good at it.

4. I love anything related to art but then again I never really did anything to learn it or be good at it.

5. I start to do something (in general) and I don’t ever finish it.

6. I give up easily.

7. I’m not smart/ nor I have a remarkable talent(so applying for a scholarship will never be possible for me)

8. I have tried getting into theater/student govt/cheer dancing/dancing/marching band —but I gave them all up and prioritized a person instead. =BIGGEST FCKING MISTAKE.

——I could go on and on about stuff I’m bad at or hate about myself. And there’s nothing good I can basically say about me NOTHING not even how I look. Especially that I hate everything about me physically.

I feel such a fake fan/ARMY for not incorporating the Boys’ motto—Love yourself. But how can I bring myself to do so? When I’m such a mess, such a wreck.

I just. What do I —-

This post is just all the place my thoughts are just clouded I can’t.

Hmmm.

So yeah I’m 19, probably depressed but not yet clinically diagnosed. I hate myself, I have a work instead of going to school. I walk this earth questioning my existence I have I think 1-2 real friends or maybe even none. I’m not close with my father or other family members I am broke af literally FILIPINO POVERTY BROKE. I have so many abitious goals and dreams: BUT DID I EVER DO ANYTHING ABOUT THEM? Oh bitch I’m such a disappointment.

If this isn’t enough to say FML then I don’t know what is.

—-if youdo feel the same way, or anything similar or worse please do seek help, or try your best to fight it.

I try to. I want to.

Is it too much to ask for?

I just wanna be normal, I want to be okay. To actually be OKAY.

(I AM CONTEMPLATING ON POSTING THIS BECAUSE I SOUND LIKE A LITTLE WHINY BITCH BUT IF YOU DO SEE THIS POST I MUST HAVE JUST CLICKED IT AND SAIS FCK IT AND IS NOW CRYING ON THE FLOOR STILL REGRETTING WHY I’M ALIVE AND ASKING THE UNIVERSE WHAT’D I DO TO DESERVE THIS BULLSHIT)

~bye

💕Soft Bias Tag💕

I was tagged by my homie @madpanda69 love you boo 🤧💕❤️💟❤️💕

1. Who is my bias?

It's open to interpretation. JKJK YALL ITS THE EVER SO ADORKABLE MORK LEEK. LEZGETIT. 💕

2. What made you notice them?

Okay lemme just spill the tea. I was Yusol biased during SMrookies y'all 👀 BUT WHEN 7TH SENSE CAME OUT ᴳᴼᴰ ᴰᴬᴹᴺ. LONG ASS RIDE BOY SWEPT ME OFF MY FEET AND DRAGGED ME ALL THE WAY TO SATURN. ᴹᴬᵞᴮᴱ ᴵᵀˢ ᵀᴴᴬᵀ ᴮᴼᵂᴸ ᴴᴬᴵᴿᶜᵁᵀ ᴵᴰᴷ

3. What's your favourite thing about them?

THE FACT THAT HE'S A BREATHING LIVING WALKING MEME. ALSO HE'S SO FUCKTJIFNUNUING ADORABLE . I GIVE ALL MY UWU'S TO THIS BOY 🤧❤️💕💜💕❤️

4. Who would initiate skinship more?

Definitely him I'm not a touchy person buT IF ITS MARK LEE THEN WHO KNOWS? HE'S ALSO SHY SO MAYBE WE JUST STAY WITHIN 2 METERS OF EACH ITHER.

5. Who would hog the blankets more?

Me, I'm a cold ass bitch. I GET COLD IN SUMMER WTF. I WEAR HOODIES WHEN IT'S +10 OUT. THE COLD ALWAYS BOTHERED ME ANYWAYS~ ALSO MY FRIENDS WAKE UP WITH NO BLANKETS WHEN WE HAVE SLEEPOVERS SOOOO

6. Who would be more clingy?

IM ALSO NOT CLINGY FML AWHSHHS D: SO I GUESS HIM. AND NORMALLY I HATE REALLY CLINGY PEOPLE BUT ONCE AGAIN, IF ITS MARK LEE IM FINE. HE CAN BE MY LIL KOALA 💕

7. Who would say I love you first?

THIS ONE IS ME. I LOVE SAYING "I LOVE YOU" HAHA. SOMETIMES ITS A GOOD THING SOMETIMES ITS NOT. PEOPLE BE THINKING IM FLIRTING WITH THEM ㅠㅠ IF I WAS DATING MARK ILL TELL HIM I LOVE HIM 127X A DAY AND ILL MEAN IT💕

8. Who easily would be flustered?

PROBABLY HIM. MY DUMB ASS WILL PROBABLY SAY SOMETHING THAT COULD BE INTERPRETED AS SEXUAL AND HE WOULD BE BLUSHING LIKE HELL AND I WONT EVEN NOTICE BECAUSE IM THAT DUMB.

9. What cuddling position would you like two have?

THE ONE WHERE I LAY MY HEAD ON HIS CHEST BECAUSE I WANNA HEAR HIS HEARTBEAT. AND HE'S GONNA WRAP HIS ARMS AROUND ME AGBSUGBSITS GONNA BE FUCKING CUTE ABHSBBSU IM CRYING. ALSO I COULD DO A CARDIOVASCULAR ASSESSMENT BECAUSE IM A NURSING STUDENT AGSHHSBSUHBHU.

10. Which colours remind you of him?

Yellow 💛💫⭐️IDK WHY BUT WHEN I SEE YELLOW IM LIKE THATS MY MORK LEE. MAYBE BECAUSE HE WAS WEARING YELLOW IN THE 7TH SENSE??I SHOULD BRING BACK MY YELLOW THEME AN JHABHBS

11. What season would you like to spend with him?

Winter ❄️BECAUSE WERE CANADIANS BABY. WE'RE GOING ICESKATING WHEN ITS -40 OUTSIDE AND NO ONES STOPPING US 🇨🇦

12. Who would bake the cookies and who would steal the batter?

HOW ABOUT WE KEEP MARK LEE OUT OF THE KITCHEN? ILL BAKE THE DAMN COOKIES MYSELF. I DONT WANT GORDON RAMSEY ROASTING THE SHIT OUT OF OUR COKIES IF WE MADE THEM TOGETHER.

13. Which one of you would make bad puns and how would the other react?

JESUS CHRIST BOTH OF US WILL BE MAKING BAD PUNS 25/8 BC WERE THAT LAME. AND BOTH OF US WILL BE LIKE ᴴᴱᴴᴱᴴᴱᴴᴱᴴᴱ AND "EEEEEEYYYY! BECAUSE WERE IN A SUPPORTIVE RELATIONSHIP.

14. Which would want to adopt 50 cats and dogs?

ME. I LOVE CATS AUHBSJHUHBS AND THOSE CUTE TINY HOTDOGS ABUGBSUG ABD MARK WILL BE MAD BECAUSE ILL BE PAYING MORE ATTENTION TO OUR PETS THAN TO HIM

15. Which one of you would nearly burn the kitchen down trying to microwave a pop tart and who would come to the rescue?

SEE THIS IS WHY ILL KEEP HIM OUT IF THE KITCHEN. CALL ME CONTROLLING BUT HE WONT EVEN BE ALLOWED TO USE THE MICROWAVE.

16. Who likes to lean over trail railings and who pulls them back?

HE'S THE ONE LEANING OVER AND ILL PULL HIS DUMB ASS BACK. MORK WYD M8 DONT FALL OVER MY ᴰᵁᴹᴮ LOVE.

17. What would watching a horror movie with them be like?

HE'LL PROBABLY FALL ASLEEP HALFWAY THROUGH BC SM OVERWORKS HIM AND ILL END UP WATCHING BY MYSELF BUT ILL BE FINE BC I AINT SCARED OF SHIT. I LOVE WATCHING GORE AND HORROR :))) YALL SHOULD BE CONCERNED

18. Who would be the cheesy flirt and who would be the smooth flirt?

ILL BE BOTH HAHA MY LIBRA ASS IS FLIRTY ASS HELL. I FEEL LIKE MARK WILL BE A CHEESY FLIRT AND ILL WANT TO CHOKE HIM FOR IT BUT I WONT BC I LOVE HIM

19. Who would be more competitive?

ME. SORRY MARK IM A RUTHLESS COMPETITOR. I HAVE TO WIN NO MATTER ONE. IM ASIAN ITS IN MY GENES.

20. Who would have to be given constant reminders (to eat, sleep, drink water etc)

ME AHSHHS I ALWAYS FORGET TO DO EAT AHSHSH. ALSO I USUALLY SLEEP AT 5:30 AM SO HE'LL HAVE TO TELL ME TO GO TO SLEEP EARLY A LOT.

21. Who sends memes and who sends cute "I miss you" texts at 3 am?

WE BOTH BE SENDING MEMES TO EACH OTHER AHHSHSHSHS. I WOULD PROBABLY SEND HIM I MISS YOU TEXTS AT 3 AM BECAUSE 3-4 AM ARE YUUKI'S SOFT HOURS 💕❤️

AND THATS A WRAP! UWUWUWUWUNG IM FEELING VERY UWU RIGHT NOW💛

Imma tag: @jeongyeomie @hyuckiesgf @delicately-insane @mlmchan @softlyjungwoo 💕

i hate when i get like this. rn all i can think about is how bad i wanna die and not have to live in this world, i feel physically terrible and my chest hurts. all i do is cry. i need to distract myself my watching something but im so fkn bored i cant stand anything.. fml

My Timeline

This exercise is designed to help pick the patterns in my behavior. Along the way I'm sure I will find other uses for it. First, a few reminders. DO NOT go back and edit. DO NOT beat around the bush. Accuracy is key.

2011

Working retail. In a relationship that is mind numbing. Brand new at this and dont have much to report. Not even sure what to write here.

2012

Fighting feelings of guilt. He's finally been put behind bars. I think I may need counseling.

Feeling guilty. Wanna kill myself.

2013

Fired from job. On unemployment. Still in BS relationship. Not sure this timeline is panning out to be what I thought it would.

New a new start. Signed up for college classes. Dental Assisting. Not something I would have thought I would choose. Worth a try.

School is turning out to be fun. Trouble paying but dad is helping. Gave me a car to get into San Antonio. I can feel the stress subsiding. Step grandfather passed. No emotion for someone who was such a prick towards the end of his life.

Christmas was a disaster. So many snobby family members.

2014

Ok. I think I'm getting this timeline thing. Hard to not go back and change it though.

Enjoying school. Especially clinicals. Will start my hours soon the graduate.

Relationship is okay now that he stays gone all week. I think I hate him.

Hours in my clinicals are rough with no pay. Got a job at a little cafe about 20 hours a week. Love my boss and his wife.

Clinicals FINALLY done. Job searching time.

OMFG clinical hours do not count as experience therefore no experience equals no job. wtf.

FML still no fucking chances anywhere. Suicidal thoughts.

Mom flipped the fuck out as usual. Took the boyfriends side because she was wrong. Would have rather him have gone. Getting tired of both of them anyway.

Time to hold it down on my own. His health is bad. Which makes me feel bad for wanting him gone. I think I have checked out emotionally. Or never checked in.

2015

Finally got my foot in the door at an office. Found someone I can learn everything from. She's awesome. The doctor is a douche but I can deal. Besides what man isnt a douche?

Theres something wrong with this office. So many people being secretive and my office manager is a total bitch. A "mean girl".

Gotta stop reading over this everytime I come in here. I want to change it!

Ok my 6 months is up for experience, time to look for another office. My mentor flaked and left. On my own.

Put in 2 week notice only to have my pay raised and promoted to office manager. Do I really want to sit behind a desk instead of working on patients?

Still in dead end relationship. Still hate him. Suicidal thoughts.

I think I'm getting this timeline down. Starting to see my patterns already. Even if I dont write them in here. How to fix them?

Easy holidays without family. Spent them with friends in Bastrop. Relief!

2015

Still working in the same office for more pay. Found out why everyone is so secretive. Doctor is a mess. In debt up to his eyeballs, no longer getting paid on time, misappropriated funds on a regular basis, has no business sense what so ever, deals with shady people, I doubt his abilities due to MANY pissed off patients, holy shit, the list goes on. Back to the drawing board for a new job.

2 surgeries almost back to back. I'm falling apart. Suicidal thoughts.

Well fuck. Jobs are everywhere but pay is a bitch. Nothing matches it. Cant quit here if I cant sustain my living situation.

BS relationship has finally taken its toll. Verdict is in. I hate his guts. Tired of doing everything myself. Spends all his time on the computer chating with girls. What do I care? Maybe one of them will take him in. Why do I want to strangle him in his sleep?

2016

Got a new house but still not happy.

Tried out a new office but it's not the same. I think I got use to the chaos. Alot of blood sweat and tears have gone into that office. Went back.

Doctor has hired an overpriced nanny. This bitch is gonna drive me to drinking. I've been replaced. Good thing or bad thing?

Starting to understand my emotions. Realizing my family is the root of my issues in life. Now I'm becoming content with no contact. Just have to figure out this BS relationship.

On my birthday, I think I found my SM. Talking on a regular basis. And finally figured out what to do about BS relationship.

2017

Missed a bunch of time on this so I'm writing it in 2019 and trying to write as I would have in that time and frame of mind. Using things from other posts to help write this.

New home again but cant afford it without help. Took on roommate. She's awesome.

Hanging with Boozefighters next door is a really good time.

Fired from job for insubordination. What a bitch!

Depression setting in. I want out of this town. Suicidal thoughts.

Dad is helping me move back to hometown and can already tell I was right about my family. My daughter is pissed!

Trying to find comfort in family but wanting more than anything for SM to give in.

First job back in retail because dental pay is BS.

Things with SM are rocky. A couple of jail stays and lots of drinking. Having trouble keeping my head on straight and leaning back on emotions instead of thinking logical.

SM busted! Now what? Something always sets me back. Wtf? What is so wrong with my choices in life?

Got a place together. More drinking...... and some fighting......... and court........

Realized I went off the reservation due to my feelings for him. Haven't thought logical in some time.

These feelings have to be real. Cant fight them. But emotions are unreliable.

More turmoil with family. Trying to reconcile with mother. Didnt got well. Fuck it!

2018

Lost car at Christmas and finding it hard to hold onto my job. Feeling depressed again. Suicidal thoughts.

Only thing I'm sure of are my feelings for SM. He's got me and now I'm scared of what I may do for him.

Job is suffering so transfer and begin walking to work.

Realizing the hold SM has on me and it's dangerous. Is it healthy to be this attached? Should I distance myself? HELL NO

Bought a new car. But now I need a new job and SM is leaving me to serve time.

Moved in with grandmother when SM goes into serve time. I'm slipping again. More depression and anxieties are back.

New job is overnights and not sleeping like I need to. I want him home! Job isnt going well from depression and 2 hospital visits for sleep deprivation and malnutrition. Job is too demanding and anger creeping up.

Transfer to different department hoping it helps but instead get hours cut.

Weekend drives to unit for visits that never seem to last long enough. Cant touch him like I need to, like i want to.

Dont want to do a fucking thing if he cant be with me. Cancelled on so many things with friends. Is this what my life has come to?

Searching for a new job. Wtf is wrong with this town. Part time only and everyone is short staffed.

Cant pay bills at my grandmothers. 500 dollar electric bill. Fuck this!

I'm cracking..... had an emotional breakdown and unsure of how to hold myself together.

Hanging with people I know I shouldnt and offered a chance at Colorado. Do I take it?

Got another part time overnight. What the hell am I doing killing myself like this? Fuck this town and fuck this whole goddamn state!

Took the Colorado offer but I know he will have issues with it. How to handle it? It's where he wants to be but doubt we would make it there by his hand.

Packed up, missed a visit. He's going to go ape shit! Daughter is more excited then I am because I cried all the way here. Why does it feel wrong at the same time?

Well I was right. He went ape shit.

Colorado is a culture shock but I can feel myself calming. Driving the amish all over is peaceful and informative. But hurting for money. Place we are staying in is run down and not fit for habiting.

SM sent a letter. If I dont go back, its over. I guess it's over. I dont have the money to go back. Hold onto hope that he will be here when he gets out anyway.

Got a job with the county that's going well. I now understand what I have to do to complete my main goal. (Main goal is in another post.)

Opened the guitar up to stare at it and cry all day. Wth............

Christmas was rough. Still on the fence about my decision to come here even though most of the time I'm at peace with the views here.

2019

Person I came with is expressing feelings towards me. Not feeling it.

Working 2 part time jobs so I can stop driving the amish but tired of the travel with one job.

Got a place in Romeo. Its decent but I've been ripped off. This asshole needs to be shot. Speaking of being shot. I'm being threatened and I have 2 gunshots in my house.

Rightful owner let me buy it from her. Ok I can do this. Now to do something about the asshole who ripped me off. The fucker lives right across the street.

Against my better judgement J moves in. I think I need protection. Bought a gun. Bad idea. J is a felon. He's not here alot but appearance is what matters. Wtf. I guess I'm back to using people again.

Turns out we make a good team. Accomplishing quite a bit to achieve my main goal. I still dont feel like he does but I'm getting shit done.

Bought a trailer house, 2 parcels of land, a boat, 2 cars and a camper trailer. Way to go!!!

What the hell did I just do? I just made things way more complicated and started something I have no intentions of finishing. Heart breaking again.

Fighting, fighting, fighting. I finally understand how SM felt about me in the beginning. Suicidal thoughts.

My daughter is settling in nicely. Started a three some relationship and taking after my mother. Lol Now she's met a guy and starting to find herself.

My daughter turned 18! Holy shit I'm old............

SM is in a halfway house......... he didnt sound happy and I think my heart is breaking again. J is flipping out on me again over SM. Pressure is on. Dont slip again. Stay focused.

Yay! for phone time! Again confirming my emotions are real this time.

My daughter graduated. Yup, I'm still old. And getting older by the minute.

Went to Midland to clear up the storage unit. Fuck! It's all gone. Destroyed! All his stuff is gone. I've gotta replace it all.

Ok home ownership sucks! Everything breaks and has to be fixed........ twice!

Cleared my head. For once........

Divorce is final. 16 years and now back in contact with my son. Feeling complete.

Job is going great.

In negotiations on another home and a restaurant.

Joined 2 community boards and Search & Rescue.

Talk therapy helped me come to a conclusion. Time to let go of SM.

Married J. Did I do whats best for my future?

This time around, marriage has proved to be easier than the first. Im all in but fearful of not knowing what the future holds.

Notes

Fill in above the notes as you go. Remember. Dont edit or erase. Dont fucking touch it other than adding. Calling yourself out only works when the truth is written down. Yes they will change consistently. Find your patterns. Truth means sensitive information so dont let anyone read it unless you are ready for anger. If you happen to mentor someone in the future, that might not be a good idea! And pay attention during depression spells. Ever emotion counts.

Had the best holidays ever. Real trees are a mess though.

2020

Finally got full time with benefits at the County

Set up my retirement and 401. This is what I have wanted my entire life. And life insurance!

Pandemic approaching.

Lockdown! Sent home for 2 months with pay.

Took up arts and crafts and gardening to pass the time.

Stimulus check. Bought my daughter a car.

Lots of facetime with my son!

Back to work. So many restrictions.

COVID cases are declining.

County in trouble financially. How much longer will I have a job?

Paid of the house! After a court battle from attempting to rip us off. Again........

Gained another family member.

Going back on lockdown with pay again.

Drop Journal- 3/19/2019

12 AM- Sylus said some really nice reassuring things that helped me feel safer, even if I still feel not good. 3/10

1 AM- I wish I knew what was so wrong with me and why no one wants me. Every time I put years into someone, whatever side of the slash I’m on, they just throw me away. I’m never good enough, I just wanna be good enough for someone to want to stay. No one ever does. It hurts so bad. I just want to be good enough. I just want someone who wants to bruise me and mark me and put a collar around my neck and love me and take care of me. Or someone who wants me to do those things for them and every time I think I found someone who does... I’m not good enough. 1/10

2 AM- The dip is hard. Crying on and off the past hour or so. Really hate myself and my brain and that I’m such a burden on everyone. Don’t understand why anyone stays. Tiny came to keep me company during the hard bits of drop while Sylus and Kit are doing stuff so I’m not too lonely, which is nice. Everything hurts. Wish I could make it stop. 1/10

3 AM- Numb is setting in. ?/10

4 AM- Need things. Dunno what things. Dunno how to ask. Sylus isn’t offering care unless I seek it. Dunno how. Still numb. ?/10

5 AM- It happened again. It happens every time. No one ever cares. I got pushed. Again. Twice. No one cares. No one’s even checked on me in hours. I need someone to take care of me. Not to blow me off. I don’t understand why this isn’t important enough to change when I try so hard to communicate how bad it hurts. 2/10

6 AM- Sylus came and gave me some focused time and energy, even though he's exhausted. He seemed really upset about my 5 am entry, but when I asked if he was mad, he said no, and laughed a little, and said that I need to be honest about my feelings. He fell asleep so I just sorta stayed in his arms for a bit. Gonna wake him up now though. 3/10

1 PM- Groggy. Achy. Little cranky and bratty. Hungry. 5/10

2 PM - 3 PM- Bratty, sleepy. 5/10

4 PM- Bratty, sleepy, needy 4/10

5 PM- Needy, sleepy, bratty. Just started my period. 🙃 5/10

6 PM- Needy, sleepy, bratty, crampy, needy. 5/10

7 PM- Need beaten. I hurt and I'm cranky and bratty and needy. Implosion imminent. 6/10

8 PM- FML. 6/10

9 PM- 🙃😒 6/10

10 PM- Same, tbh. 6/10

11 PM- 😡😡😡 5/10

Why did I go for another long distance... Emotional rollercoaster FTL

So fucking depressed right now... Can't believe, as a strong advocate against long distance relationships in the past, that I'm in another one... And she only left on Saturday (3 days ago). From the happiest I've been for years to the most depressed I've been for years... Will I be able to last until September?? FML. She wasn't someone I was originally interested in. I'm pretty sure I was kinda rude to her (I feel so bad...). But even so, she still liked me enough to chase me. A first experience! After going on a number of "dates" (I rationalised that it was just hanging out), I still wasn't convinced I had feelings for her. She was lovely, but I just didn't feel the attraction. Fast forward a few more dates, and she started holding my hand. A very forward thing for a Japanese girl (especially since I had apparently needed to confess first!). Slowly it got a bit more intimate, and knowing myself and how I can develop feelings after intimacy, I knew it was going to accelerate from there... After she finished exams, we went on a drive, had our first kiss watching the Milky Way in the middle of nowhere. Half planned, but oh so romantic. Everything was going great! I saw her for dinner every day after that, then cuddling and kissing in her hotel room. That trip was the previous Saturday... We only had 1 week of proper couply time. I've been so depressed ever since I saw her off to the airport. Fuck it's so hard... And her work is so damn busy that she doesn't even have time to eat, let alone have a good chat to me. I hate that I need- I crave that reassurance that she feels the same about me; but I can't get it when I need it... Must be what drug users feel when going cold turkey. I like her so much now, but I honestly can't see how we can be together in the long term. Either she moves here or I move there. Neither are ideal based on our skillsets. A small part of me, the somewhat unreasonable part, says maybe it can work somehow! But I feel so lost... I fucking hate long distance. Well, at least we're meeting in September for a few days... After that, who knows... Ahhh, I wanna cry but tears won't come out... I hate long distance...

Updated AU List

This is a list of the recent AUs I’ve been reblogging…we’re only going to write each one once! Pay attention to this list when asking for an AU :) 

I need new glasses and you’re the optometrist running my vision tests, but your good looks are really freaking distracting

You’re allergic to cats but my cat really likes you my bad

I adopted a kid and you help me take care of them all the time since we’re neighbors, but you came over and got so involved in the kid’s life so much they think that we’re both their parents instead of just me

I got caught in the rain without an umbrella and an attractive stranger is sharing theirs with me

We’re playing Monopoly in the local library and the game just got serious, I think the librarians are about to kick us out

You caught me having a Barbie movie marathon and now I’m trying to keep you from telling anyone about this!

My pet ran away, I got fired from my job, it started raining out of nowhere and I fell in the mud, and you’re just a random stranger at my bus stop but I really need someone to talk to

Alternatively, I’ve always wanted to tell a stranger my life story and I’m choosing you

We got put in the same group for the senior trip

This is a big ass mall and I just got lost, please help me

My rival and I are determined for us and our respective partners to be the ultimate power couple, but you and the other person in our rival couple really don’t care

You keep coming in to get your laptop fixed but I’m pretty sure your breaking it on purpose but you’re cute so I’ll let it slide

I met you at a convention and you’re cosplaying Person B to my OTP and I’m cosplaying Person A

You got me addicted to playing Love Live and I’m ruining my life

I’m an artist who was at shit creek until I met you, so please be my muse, no, I’m not asking you out

I just showed you all the Shrek is Love, Shrek is Life videos and I think I just scarred you for life

I just crashed this wedding and one of the guests just asked me to dance and I’m pretty sure that they know I’m not a guest from either the bride or groom(brides, grooms) fml

Dude check it out this pair of jeans fits us! Shut up, they aren’t sweatpants they’re jeans

I’m donating blood today and I’m afraid of needles

Pack up man; we’re going on a road trip

Hey I just met you, and this is crazy, but can you go on the bungee jumping thing with me? Cuz I’m too scared to go by myself

I’ve never had a proper conversation with you, but I always see you at this cafe folding paper cranes and I you’re really peaking my interest

I’m forcing you to watch my favorite show and you’re more into it than I am now

We’re having our first argument as a married couple: do we explore this island, or do we stay in bed all day

“I’m trying to make macaroni but I’ve burnt 3 pans and set off the fire alarm and I heard the lady above us say you were a chef please help” AU

“I know we just met yesterday but the landlord is coming over and I have 2 cats please hang out with them for a few hours” AU

“I bought too many popsicles at the store do you want some?” AU“We both got kicked out because our roommates are having sex so now we’re playing poker and talking about gardening” AU

“I locked myself out of my apartment so I have to climb out your window and onto my balcony” AU

“I made too much food wanna come in and help me out oh who set up a table with candles and wine thats weird” AU

“I’m at work and my son needs to be picked up from school do you mind?” AU

“Okay well it turns out you’re really good with kids and my son has started calling you daddy and insists we move in so ‘we can be a real family’” AU

“Your laundry got mixed up with mine somehow and now we’re sitting in silence sorting underwear” AU

“I barely know you but my boyfriend just broke up with me and you heard me crying so you brought over ice cream and movies” AU

“Our dogs whine whenever they’re apart so we spend pretty much every day together” AU

“I walked in on your ex yelling at you so you grabbed me and kissed me  so she’d go away and I’m kind of freaked out I literally just met you last week” AU

“your country’s trying to take over/annex my country and you’re making it difficult to hate you because you’re so nice and attractive stop it” au 

“i’m a prince/ss and you’re a servant and we’re not supposed to hang out but we’re gonna fall in love anyways” au

“i’m a prince/ss and you’re my bodyguard and we’re so not supposed to bang but we kind of did anyways” au (bonus: limo sex is great sex)

princess diaries style “i grew up not knowing i was royal and suddenly my royal grandparent showed up out of nowhere and told me i was so now i guess i’m the heir to the throne and you’re my crush from my pre-royal days but i still have a crush on you” au

“i’m a prince/ss from a small country nobody’s heard of and i’m in college pretending not to be royal and you’re another student who’s always calling me out on my bs” au

“my country’s going through some issues so i’m here in hiding and you’re a civilian who lives in the same apartment complex as me” au

“waiting in line at registration because for some reason, the computer system wouldn’t just let us sign up for classes there” AU

“I don’t mind that my roommate’s boyfriend stays over constantly; I mind that he walks around our apartment-style housing naked” AU

“excuse me, I know we don’t have assigned seats in college, but I’ve been sitting in this one for eight weeks and it seems you’re in my spot” AU

“I’m exhausted, feverish, and hacking up a lung, and the student health center’s first suggestion was pregnancy, can you help me get to the ER in town” AU

“hey, I left my student ID in my room and you’re the first person who’s walked by my building for hours now, I hate to be such a bother but can you pretty please swipe me in, it’s freezing” AU

“bless the spring semester stage combat class for practicing on the North Lawn, because watching my crush get sweaty and worked up while pretending to fight people really Does Things to me, okay” AU

“oh, jesus, that annoying group of LARPers is playing D&D on the lawn underneath my window again and I’m trying to fucking sleep, I have a fucking midterm tomorrow” AU

"there’s a cute punk who I keep chatting up at the bike racks outside the library and one of the lecture halls, and I kinda have a crush, but there’s no way they’d ever think of me like that, right?” AU

“I know that this probably isn’t a good idea but it’s included in the meal plan and I’m stressed out, so I keep hitting the ice cream sundae bar in the buffet style dining hall at least a couple times a week” AU

“fuck shit fuck please help me, I’m supposed to be in chemistry for non-science majors but somehow, my little humanities major ass got registered into the really hardcore chem class” AU

“if I pretend to be interested in your student social activism oriented club and help you hand out flyers and run your bake sale and shit, is there a chance that you’ll go with me to the spring Sleaze Ball dance” AU

“somehow, we always end up sitting next to each other during the weekly gatherings to watch [Game of Thrones, SVU, Rupaul’s Drag Race, pick a show] in our dorm’s really good TV room” AU

“I was abroad last semester and forgot to fill out the housing form, but your old roommate dropped out so hi, hey, how’s it going, I guess we live together now” AU

“wait, you’re not the roommate i requested”

“i wouldn’t have offered you a blunt if i’d known you were the RA”

we both got the same disgusting food at the diner and have no one else to complain to about it

free STI testing at the health clinic… meeting when their hands touch as they reach for a free condom from the giant bowl on the counter

“we’re the only ones that signed up for this club, where the fuck is everyone else”

walking in on hot roommate masturbating oh my god

got caught having an orgy in a classroom in the middle of the night (this has happened at my school. multiple times.)

“we heard meningitis is going around and we’re both terrified and buying hand sanitizer in bulk”

the only ones in the dorm that go out for thirsty thursday

the only competent ones in the group project

“are you asleep on that bench because of midterms, you’re homeless, or you’re dead?”

“omg did you see me pet that squirrel???”

turns out that random hookup from the club sits right next to you in your favorite class

skipping class to get high

“i really need to pass this midterm and rumor has it you have the best study guide”

I’m a barista and you’re the obnoxious customer who comes through and orders a venti macchiato while talking on the phone the whole time so I misspell your name in increasingly creative ways every day AU

I’m a busy businessperson and my barista keeps misspelling my name in increasingly disrespectful ways, honestly, who does this person think they are AU

We were both playing wingman for our friends who have now decided to go home together, and after five minutes of conversation we fucking hate each other, let’s bang it out AU

I saw you trying to hit the “door close” button in the elevator but I made it in and then I pushed every single button to make you later for work, but now we’re stuck in this fucking elevator as it stops at every single floor and I don’t know what to say other than “you started it” AU

I asked for your help getting a book off the top shelf and and you laughed at my taste and called me a nerd so I shoved you into a table of nonfiction best-sellers and that’s how we both got banned from the quirky community bookstore AU

I take my grades very seriously and you’re the lazy asshole who asks a ton of off-topic questions to distract the professor and I might be a foot shorter than you but I swear to god I’ll fight you AU

You tried to barge into a private conversation so I said something devastatingly witty and dismissive but you came back with something even meaner and more clever AU

Shouting match over the last Thanksgiving turkey at the grocery store AU

i was tagged by an anon so like here u go

LAST:

1. drink: water

2. phone call: ummmmmmmmm who uses phones anymore?

3. text message: a human

4. song listened to: Death of a Bachelor by Panic! At The Disco

5. time i cried: the question is: when am i not crying?

HAVE YOU EVER:

6. dated somebody twice: nope

7. been cheated on: nah

8. kissed someone and regretted it: no

9. lost someone special: mmhm this weekend actually

10. been depressed: constantly

11. gotten drunk and puked: im a minor so...yes

THREE FAVORITE COLORS:

12. ugh black isnt a colour...ummmm...very very very dark blue

13. GAY COLOURS LITERALLY ANYTHING GAY

14. very very very dark grey

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. made new friends: shoutout to my tumblr fam! oml did i just say fam. fml

16. fallen out of love: i guess so :)

17. laughed until you cried: yeah cause inside jokes ahhhhhhhh

18. found out someone was gossiping about you: ALL👏 THE👏FUCKING👏TIME LIKE SERIOUSLY GET A LIFE

19. met somebody who changed you: yup :) a couple people actually

20. find out who your true friends are: i think so? but i mean...bpd so...i guess we will never know

21. kissed somebody on your facebook list: facebook is for old people

HOW MANY/MUCH:

22. facebook friends do you have in real life: get over it facebook is so 2007

23. pets: ive had 7 fish...ive given up all hope

24. want to change name: idk maybe on my dysphoric days but not constantly

WHAT:

25. did i get for my last birthday: a phone + data and a trip to Toronto for dance as far as i know

26. time i woke up: ummmmmmm ever heard of insomnia?

27. doing at midnight: probably on tumblr while watching netflix sometimes talking to friends

28. something you cannot wait for: death

29. last time i saw my mom: 45 mins ago

30. something you wish you could change about your life: being alive

31. listening to right now: grey’s anatomy cause OML THAT SHOW IS BOMB, jesus did i just say bomb...kill me

32. something that gets on your nerves: homophobes

33. talked to a person named Tom: idfk probably ive met a lot of people through acting im almost positive that i had a producer named tom when i was like 6

34. most visited website: TUMBLR. but netflix and youtube comes a close second...not really but like i use them a lot

35. elementary school: i went to 2 and was homeschooled for some reasons but like only briefly

36. high school: im in high school? only been to 1 but homeschooling might happen probs not but maybe

37. college: probably will be dead by then...BUT...if i am unfortunately alive, ill be in LA idk what ill be doing but ill be in LA or NYC but probs LA

38. hair color: dark brown looks black in the light kinda red and brown and black UGH WORDS u need to see it to understand what im saying

39. long or short hair: TOO LONG. TOO FUCKING LONG

40. crush: a cool human

41. do you like about yourself: i am filled with self hatred. there is no room for ‘liking myself’ what are u talking about

42. piercings: nope no nah nuh uh not happening not today boo boo not today FEMALE DYSPHORIA IM SORRY

43. blood type: you would think i knew cause ive done too many blood tests to count but nope still clueless as fuck cause IM A MINOR FUCK YOU MOM

44. nickname: M, some people call me Mandy but if u call me Mandy ur dead to me

45. relationship status: taken? wow thats weird to say

46. zodiac: Pisces

47. pronouns: she/her? he/him? they/them? EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN? depends on the day i guess...or whatever im feeling? still kinda confused LEAVE ME ALONE OKAY

48. favorite show: grey’s anatomy currently but pretty little liars comes really close

49. tattoos: WANT WANT WANT WANT WANT

50. right or left handed: ambidextrous get on my level

FIRST:

51. surgery: there has been too many i cant even remember my first

52. piercing: ugh refer to 42 ^^^

53. best friend: a couple of them? no names mentioned u know who u fucking are

54. sport: dance, ugh dance, love dance but like love hate, ummmm im really fucking athletic so like everything?

55. vacation: THAILAND U TAKE ME TO THAILAND U ARE OFFICALLY MY BEST FRIEND ALSO LA TAKE ME TO LA PLEASE I LOVE U FOREVER

56. pair of shoes: adidas cause i get them for freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

RIGHT NOW:

57. eating: newsflash im anorexic

58. drinking: nothing? water i guess?

59. im about to: UMMMMMMMMMMMMM

60. listening to: LA Devotee by Panic! at the Disco

61. waiting for: death? thats not original...ummmmmmm summer i guess? no summer = stress ummmmmm fuck it death im waiting for fucking death. refer to my blog to understand WHY IM SUICIDAL

62. want to see: my hw finished on my table

63. want to get married: idk i guess so? probs will be dead :)

64. career: acting i think but dance is an option i mean im already in the business and working actively so why not continue? idk if i actually wanna pursue it tho

WHICH IS BETTER:

65. hugs/kisses: depends on the person ;)

66. lips/eyes: ^^^ but usually eyes cause eyes are pretty

67. shorter/taller: people are cute no matter what

68. younger/older: does it matter? “age is just a number”

69. romantic/spontaneous: romantic but i wouldnt know im making an educated guess

70. nice arms/nice stomach: nice humans

71. sensitive/loud: sensitive

72. hook up/relationship: relationship

73. troublemaker/hesitant: hesitant i think?

HAVE YOU EVER:

74. kissed a stranger: nope

75. drank hard liquor: fuck yes gets u drunk fast

76. lost glasses/contact lenses: dont wear them...yet....we’ll see (see what i did there) (and there again) I AM AN AWFUL PERSON

77. turned someone down: yes quite often actually idk why it just happens?

78. canoodling on first date: first of all, ive never been on a date. second, im a virgin. third, WHY CANT U JUST SAY SEX? LIKE ITS NOT A BAD THING TO SAY WE ARE ON TUMBLR WHAT ARE U TALKING ABOUT...okay im done now sorry

79. broken someones heart: oops

80. had your own heart broken: mmhm all the fucking time idk why it just happens, i just realized how many times ive said that

81: been arrested: nah

82: cried when someone died: MMHM ALL FUCKING WEEKEND

83: fallen for a friend: who hasn’t like lesbihonest (sorry im just really gay)

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

84. yourself: of course not who do u think ur talking to

85. miracles: i hope so?

86. love at first sight: ummmmm i think so? i really hope so but idk

87. Santa Clause: no but ummm idk but like no but like maybe but like no

88. kiss on first date: yeah

89. angels: i want to believe that i believe in angels but after everything that has happened to me idfk

OTHER:

90. current best friends name: fucking classified bitch leave me alone

91. eye color: hazel

92. favorite movie: anything disney cause im a disney freak ummmm The Imitation Game cause gay ummm OMG PRIDE GREAT MOVIE also love Tomboy cause it made me cry uggggh coming out ahhhhhhh tears ahhhhh

i tag everyone that reads this cause im too lazy

U BETTER DO THIS TAG ITS ACTUALLY A GOOD TAG SO LIKE

Getting ya heart back

It’s mad really last few weeks people I’ve spoke too. Ain’t got there own heart, someone else has, and the sad thing for alot of them. The person who has there heart, doesn’t want it nor do they deserve it. My hearts been with the old psycho in MK for 4 months to the point the other week i was giving someone else a lecture on them not having there own heart and realised I was a Hypocritical cunt. So I got my closure. I made him hate me. I became the bad guy and let him be the victim like all good narsacists. He needed that. I let him shut the door, with a hate for me but now I can move on. My hearts back in my own chest. Do i feel good I’ve made myself look a cunt and lie to make him hate me, no not really but easiest n safest way. But it’s sad I know a lovely guy. Who’s heart is with his ex and he’ll probably take a long time turning down the opportunity for good love because he’s left it where it’s not wanted and too scared of going through all that again. He might even do that forever. I know another bloke del a crazy ass bastard but this one woman has his heart firmly in her hands and she don’t want it, and it’s so sad cause he can’t shake her. Last week he banged a bird Friday, he banged a bird Saturday and he banged a bird Sunday. Good birds. Felt better a week later he’s on the phone to her crying because he can’t stand the fact she don’t love him. And her heart is with old Dave, Mr pug. The cute dog and he don’t want her heart. Fuck knows where his heart is but he’s currently punching well above his weight with the girl i warned him off at my party.😤 who’s son the other day was looking at him like he was fuckin something he wanted to chew up and spit out. people just don’t listen. His heart i hope ain’t with the crazy ex who tried to get him done by the old bill three weeks ago with her warped lies but was luckily laughed out the old bill station.. My other lovely friend star, her hearts abroad with a cunt. She’s been slowly getting it back in her own chest spending time with a lovely bloke who I set her up with fml. And I think because the small reason they’re not sexually compatible because he’s banged so many hookers he’s lost the idealiology of how you treat real women its ended.. And its so sad because u could see if it could work damn it would be amazing. So now she’s got a lively Italian man who’s gonna spend the day tomo wining dining n 69ING her ego into place. Annie is seeing the loveliest Geezer at the moment and absolute sweetheart and I think she’s falling for him but still can’t stop snooping on her ex. Another girl Stella. Her n her ex have split up for the millionth time he’s now seeing a lovely girl and all she says day in day out is how much she hates him but you know it’s not true she still so in love with him an hurting hard. Lily god love her starting shagging some bloke who’s heart was elsewhere as well as her own but as usual she stopped thinking about her own shit n tried to big him up out of his. N it was all going well and people had opinions n people wanted it to happen. And as much as he likes her he didn’t. N she don’t even know if she did but it smashed her ego up side the head and she ain’t in love with him, but she can’t help but wanna save a damaged soul. But as usual needs to realise it’s time she let someone save hers. My mate sally started something with a Bloke but she’s been so fucked up from previous men, and he’s done the normal man thing it’s all fucked up and it’s so sad because every cunt is so scared of getting hurt we hurt eachover or turn down good souls because ours are broken. So many of us spend a life time chasing rainbows forgetting the rainbow came after the fuckin storm. Need to start looking for the sunshine in our own moody clouds but none of us are getting any younger. Rare to find an undamaged soul and all throw out the advice n never take it do we. Bunch of cunts 😂😂 but on a Lighter note people’s sexual behaviour lately is killing me ya know.. Dave has a rule minute she steps in the door she’s gotta be naked. Old del goes round n runs through chloe n she let’s him piss all over her like she’s on fire, Jay won’t Fuck Katy till she converts fuckin religion. Saul went round scarletts n could eat the cake but when it came to putting the candle in it. The candle just wouldn’t stand up if you get my drift 😭😭 some men take more drugs there dicks become fuckin mugs I tell ya. Old john is trying to woo my mate ona Date n thinks that if very second message is him talking about running through her like Usain bolt is gonna get her warming up for him he’s delusional.. But u get it for men it’s hard to decide how to be for a woman.. He’s too much and Ben is so nice n respectful she finds it boring so she’s chasing Gaz even tho she don’t want him but he keeps it interesting bitches love to be kept on there toes n most of the time when we get them where we want them we Fuck off anyway.. Old lilly has been pissing about with a mate an unexpected bang n the Sex is good different but good but my god his dick is the prettiest she’s ever had but when she’s blowing it, the way he Rithes underneath her she comes harder then she does alone lol so she keeps going back even tho she knows she chasing rainbows n coming all over her own fuckin thighs. Annie last week got herself in a worry cause her new man hadn’t come on a blowie.. Lilly gave her a few tips that have to b kept a trade secret an amazing blow job ain’t an amazing blowjob if everyone knows so she listened.. Man came lol.. Annie smiling and so is Joe lol Big daddy still never ate the pussy because she had some vaginal fuzz n he said he hadn’t ate hairy pussy since the 80s so because he didn’t eat she refused to aswell .. Mark and Emma had a thing behind her mans back a few years ago n I saw it first class seat they fell for eachover, he would have never gave her what she deserved n cause of her kids she got too scared to leave her old man. So they knocked it on the head. Friendship also fizzled out because we all know how hard it is to be friends with an ex esp if ya hearts still in there hands but he blocked her on everything. funny thing is last week he told her he blocked her cause it’s easier for her. Now when you love someone is it Fuck. But then maybe it’s the right thing to do but who knows. Hugh is shagging so many girls right now got himself a new addiction sad thing is real sad thing is a girl in Hemel has his heart and she don’t want it. Old Sharon is spending Time with a lovely bloke but since his wife died it’s like he’s forgot how to fuck. Everything else is fabulous but it’s like his sex drive died when she did and how sad is that.. Wouldn’t it be lovely if everyone could love, Fuck get there hearts back in there own chests and heal there damage without damaging anyone else. What a wonderful life that would be. But hey I’ve always chased rainbows and that’s just another one. But it makes me feel so much better knowing I ain’t the only Fuck up in this little village we live in 😂😂😂💪👊 And as usual I’ll give advice n not take it, unless ya happy get ya hearts back in ya own chests stop chasing rainbows and find someone who shines some light in ya gloomy sky. N don’t let them go 💖 #TakeARisk