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klm-zoflorr · 1 year

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The Marleyans part 8: Los Angeles, The Making-Off

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Sasha: I'm cold

Connie: Here have my jacket

Historia: I'm cold too

Ymir: What? [taking off jacket] I told you to bring more layers but of course you didn’t listen and now- [piling blankets on her] now look, I’ve got to make sure you don’t FREEZE to death and [taking Mikasa's scarf] how long have you been cold? You should’ve said something sooner.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Armin: I'm cold

Annie: Well what the heck do you want me to do? I don't control the goddam weather!

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Reiner, looking at Bertholt: Hey, I'm cold t-

Bertholt : Look we both know we forgot our jackets at camp, don't even try.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Mikasa: *scooting up on the same bench as Eren and cuddling against him* I'm cold too, Eren

Eren: Don't worry about it *goes to collect some wood, starts a bonfire and then finally sits down, on another bench than Mikasa*

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Hange: I'm cold.

Levi: And what do you want me to do? Set you on fire?

Hange: Ye-

Levi: Nevermind. Forget I said anything.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Levi: What do we do when something goes wrong...?

Jean: Add to cart

Reiner: Cry

Gabi: Mood

Pieck: F in the chat

Armin: Not again!

Historia: Text my ex

Mikasa: Cut my hair

Connie: Shots!!

Falco: Thank you

Hange: Hoes mad

Annie: It's my horoscope

Commander Magath: Bottle it up

Zeke: Leave the country

Eren: Fistfight God

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Zeke: I love the phrase "with all due respect", because it doesn't specify how much respect is actually due. Could be none. Bitch.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Marcel: Hey, it's your turn to wash the dishes.

Porco: I'LL WASH THE WALLS RED WITH YOUR BLOOD.

Marcel: 'Kay, but before that, wash the dishes, also use soap this time?

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Historia, struggling to keep upright in her 1 inch heels: Yeah, I-I don’t really think heels are for me

Mikasa, pointing at her and walking flawlessly in sparkly golden 6 inch heels while carrying Eren with her other arm: WEAK.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Pieck: Treat spiders the way you want to be treated.

Zeke, holding a magnifying glass: Scientifically experimented on without consent and disposed off as soon as I am no longer useful.

Pieck: No.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

*The squad is having dinner together*

Historia: Mikasa, can you pass the salt?

Mikasa: *Throws Levi across the table*

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Mikasa: You lying, cheating, piece of shit!

Eren: Oh yeah? You’re the idiot who thinks you can get away with everything you do. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD

Mikasa: I’m leaving you, and I’M TAKING ARMIN WITH ME

Levi, picking up the monopoly board: I think we’re gonna stop playing now.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Commander Magath: Tonight, one of you will betray us.

Gabi: Is it me, Commander?

Commander Magath: No, it’s not you.

Annie: Is it me, Commander?

Commander Magath: It’s not you either.

Zeke: Is it me, Commander?

Commander Magath:

Commander Magath, mockingly: Is IT mE cOmmAndEr?

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Commander Magath: Can I be frank with you guys?

Gabi: Sure, but I don’t see how changing your name is gonna help.

Zofia: Can I still be Zofia?

Falco: Shh, let Commander Frank speak.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Falco: SaSa LeLe

Reiner: It's Sale Sale

Gabi: 50% off + 50% off, it means it's 100% off, everything is free

Annie: You moron, 50% of 50% is 25% off

Commander Magath: Could you all PLEASE focus and not get distracted by a shop with a sign? Where's the guy we're tailing?

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Annie, laying on her bed: I've heard people say my name twice today, it's either ghosts or hallucinations

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Reiner, from behind the door: It's me outside. Do you want some muffins?

Annie: What kind?

Reiner: Zucchini, but it tastes like banana nut

Banannie: Bananas can nut?

Reiner: You know what? I'll keep my muffins.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Pieck : Why does basil smell so fucking amazing?!

Zeke: Watch out for the brain scorpions though

Falco: It's the basil

Gabi: Yeah, can confirm, it's the basil that does it.

Pieck: Good points

Pieck: Wait what was that first thing?

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Zeke: *Holding a picture of Pieck* Have you seen this woman?

Hange: No, why? Is she missing?

Zeke: She's on vacation and I miss her

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Sasha, fighting Gabi: You know, out of all the children I've ever had fights to the death with, this is the weirdest one

Reiner: Dammit, Gabi, I told you the cat ears weren't hype anymore!

Sasha: These baddies getting weirder and weirder

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Mr. Leonhart: Annie's at that very special age where a girl has only one thing on her mind

Commander Magath: Boys?

Annie: Homicide.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Moblit: Pro-tip: Keep a bunch of wrapped, empty boxes under the christmas tree. When a child misbehaves, throw one in the fireplace.

Hange: ...

Hange: What do I do when I run out of children?

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Pieck: *sticking a paper that reads "naughty and disobedient children DO NOT FEED" on Falco and Gabi*

Zeke: If those kids could read they'd be very upset

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Reiner: *points at his shirt that reads "i rely on pharmaceutical drugs to perform routine tasks"*

Reiner: *turns around, showing the back that reads "and then i don't do them"*

Porco: Oh, is it "cry for help" time yet?

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Reiner: What should I get from ihop?

Bertholt: Pancake mix

Annie: Sucked off

Porco: Killed

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Zeke: I really want to kiss you

Pieck: What?

Zeke: i SAID if you died i wouldn't miss you

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Eren: Oh come on Armin, I wasn't that drunk

Armin: Eren, you tried to color my face with a highlighter because you said I was important

Eren, tearing up: But you are

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Falco, lowering his voice in an intimidating manner: Don't talk down to me!

Colt: Well, I can hardly talk up to you. You're too short.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Porco: *finishing remplacing Reiner's condiments with toothpaste* Don't tell Reiner about this?

Gabi: You want me to lie to Reiner?

Porco: Is that a problem?

Gabi: No.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Sasha: I have a bad feeling about this

Gabi: What do you mean?

Sasha: Don't you ever get that little voice in your head that tells you if something is going to get you in trouble?

Gabi: No?

Sasha: That... Explains so much actually

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Gabi, bleeding out: Call me an ambulance.

Falco, leaning over her, panicking: You're an ambulance??!

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Reiner: Okay, okay, uh, you're losing a lot of blood, what's your type?

Gabi: Oh anything really but nerds especially

Reiner: YOUR BLOOD TYPE

Gabi: *looks down* Uh. Red?

Falco: B positive

Reiner: LOOK I'M TRYING BUT SHE'S LITERALLY ABOUT TO DIE

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Gabi: *waking up in an unfamiliar bed* I love sleepovers

Porco: This isn't a sleepover, you're in the hospital

Gabi: Then why am I wearing this nightgown?

Porco: This is an hospital gown?

Gabi: Truth or dare?

Porco:

Porco: ...Dare

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Gabi: What happened?

Pieck: You were shot. Do you remember anything?

Gabi: Only the ambulance ride to the hospital.

Falco: We didn't ride the ambulance

Gabi: Really? Then what was that loud siren?

Reiner: I was panicking, okay!

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Gabi: Don't worry, I'll be fine.

Reiner: Well you still were shot!!

Gabi: I've been shot before.

Reiner: It's not like you build up an immunity to bullets!

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Reiner: You got three eggs

Annie: Yes

Reiner: I'll give you a cookie for them

Annie: Mmh. How good is the cookie?

Reiner: Well I don't know. I need the eggs to make the cookie

Annie: So you tricking me?

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Zeke, to Eren: I'm trying to figure out a way to get rid of you so I can go commit atrocities

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Eren: Why is there always a law against everything I wanna do?

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Pieck: Hey Zeke, you know Marcel's throwing a party on the night of the new railroad inauguration

Zeke: Yeah, I've been arguing with Porco about this.

Pieck: Oh, he wants to go to the inauguration?

Zeke: No! Why would he want to-

Pieck: Oh sorry, YOU want to go to the inauguration?

Zeke: No! We've been arguing over who gets to go to Marcel's party with you

Pieck: Can't the three of us just go together?

Zeke: ... Good point

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Commander Magath: *squishes Gabi's face between two slices of bread* And what are you?

Gabi: An idiot sandwich :(

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Eren: I'm definitely the disappointment of the family but also the hottest so i can see why i got them pressed

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Ymir: I'm allergic to color.

Historia: Sounds like a "hue" problem

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Historia: We’ve got to find a way to cut down on expenses inside those walls. What can we live without?

Levi: Probably Eren Yaeger

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Armin: Flirt back goddamit

Annie: HOW

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Historia: They're called leggings because u put ur le

Historia: U put ur leg

Historia: They're called leggings because

Connie: Take your time

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Zeke: If only I were kpop. Then you'd all see.

Colt: You're already popular and widely hated. What more do you want??

Zeke: Thanks for saying that

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Historia, crouched down in front of her plants, examining insect bites on the leaves: I’m going to kill whoever did this. I’m going to kill them for you. Don’t worry babies. I’m going to murder every single contemptible degenerate that ever got a mouthful of you. They’ll die screaming

Ymir, walking out of the house: Oh! Okay. You’re talking to the plants. Okay-

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Jean: Why did you go to sleep so late?

Mikasa, looking into the distance: There is no rest for the wicked

Jean:

Mikasa:

Historia: Cat videos. She stayed up to watch cat videos.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Reiner: Could you be any more annoying... Lol

Sasha: Easily.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Reiner: I love it when you're drinking pineapple drinks and you can't feel your tongue and your entire face starts sweating, it's so cleansing.

Porco: Sounds like you're allergic to pineapples.

Gabi: Pineapples are supposed to taste like that.

Porco: Pretty sure you're allergic too.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

King Fritz: Bro stop chanting in dead languages you're scaring the hoes

Ymir Fritz: I'm summoning the hoes fool

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Annie: Long time no see, Galliard. I missed you.

Porco: I missed you too

*Both reload their pistols*

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Reiner: I've got a nice little word exercise for you: GET TO THE FUCKING POINT.

Sasha: Tempting, but have you considered this little affirmation; No?

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Reiner:

Gabi to the McDonalds employee: He asked for no pickles!! Takes the pickles off or I'll make jello out of all your bones!

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Ymir: I went to gay loser land and they said you're like a god to them

Reiner: Why did you go there?

Ymir: Anthropology

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Reiner: Hello, people who do not live here!

Pieck: Hi!

Porco: Hello!

Reiner: I gave you a key for emergencies

Pieck: We were out of doritos

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Pieck: You know where I want to kiss you??

Zeke: On the lips?

Pieck: No.

Zeke: Neck?

Pieck: No.

Zeke: ██ █████🔞█████?

Pieck: No.

Zeke: Then where?

Pieck: In front of all our friends and family when we both say "I do"

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Eren: Wait, is Captain Levi sleeping or dead?

Jean: Hopefully dead, I hated his guts.

Eren: Yeah, so did I.

Levi: Okay first of all, fuck you two-

Eren and Jean:

𓀥 𓁆 𓀕

𓁆 𓀟 𓀣 𓁀

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

*Hange is cooking*

Levi: That's... An unusual sight. Since when do you cook?

Hange: This is for Erwin. I’m planning on making some bad choices tonight, and I need him on my side.

Levi: I never quite realized the forethought that went into being a disappointment.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

*Right before the battle of Liberio*

Sasha: So you remember the plan if I ever get hurt during this battle, right?

Connie: Of course.

Sasha: Tell me.

Connie: In the case of you ever being shot, as you fall to the ground, I am to sing, "MMMM WHATCHA SAY" no matter the circumstances.

Sasha: Good.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Hange: So, guy's old lady comes home, okay, finds him laid cold on the ground with half his head missing

Mikasa: Well, that sounds like there's a titan on the loose.

Hange: Maybe.

Mikasa: So, how does that make this our kind of thing?

Hange: Because, Mikasa, Eren's in the wind, okay, you're sulking around like a ennuch in a whorehouse, and I can't help but ask myself, when is decapitation not my thing?

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Historia: rats are like... the rats of the world

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Annie: Gee, Zeke. I thought that someone with two wives would be happy.

Porco: Nah, you're thinking of someone with two knives

Gabi: *holding two knives*

Gabi: I gotta tell you, this is pretty terrific!

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Zeke: I am not out of control! I'm a law abiding citizen!

Reiner: Really? Name one law

Zeke: Don't kill people?

Reiner: That's on me. I set the bar too low.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Annie: In light of what you did for me, you may hug me for four to five seconds.

Historia: FORTY-FIVE SECONDS?!

Annie: NO! That's not what I-

Historia, running at her: Too late!

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Gabi: *wearing a shirt that says "you are not immune to propaganda"*

Falco: *carrying a baseball bat labelled "propaganda"*

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Hange: here’s a concept: me, riding your ceiling fan like a gargoyle. you, smacking me with a broom. both of us are yelling

Levi:

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Connie: "i can fix him" "i can make him worse" im at the gas station yall want anything

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Armin: Admit that you made that whole story up!

Reiner: No!

Armin: You started that fight!

Reiner: You callin’ me a liar?

Armin: No but I ain't callin’ you a truther either!

Mikasa: Armin, stop being a coward. Call him a bitch to his face.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Historia, throwing her head into Ymir's lap: Tell me I’m pretty.

Ymir, lovingly stroking her hair: You’re pretty annoying, that’s what you are.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Mikasa: I like my coffee the same way I like my men

Mikasa: Dark, bitter, and too hot for me

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Reiner: WHY IS THERE BLOOD EVERYWHERE?!

Zeke: I may have aggressively poked someone with a knife

Reiner: You stabbed someone??

Zeke: No, I just fucking said that I aggressively poked someone with a knife. There's a difference, Reiner!

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Sasha, giving a talk at her 367th "how to woo Historia Reiss" talk of the year: Just be yourself. Say something nice.

Ymir: Which one?! I can't do both!

Reiner: Is "I would betray my country for you" considered nice or too foward?

Eren: Try "Daaaaamn girl you looked hot when you were murdering your hideous centipede titan of a father" instead

Sasha, sternly: Eren. I don't want to do it but I'm going to ban you from the lessons if you keep that attitude going.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Eren: *getting stabbed*

Eren, walking away: This is mine now

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Historia: Wow, you really are the smartest person I know!

Mikasa: You hang out with Sasha and Connie

Mikasa: It's not as high a compliment as you think

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

*Armin and Hange got kidnapped*

Hange: *Removing her handcuffs* You're lucky that I know how to get out of these.

Armin: Yeah, thank God you've been arrested enough times.

Hange: Hmm. Sure. Arrested.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Reiner: You know, when Pieck comes over, Zeke can get a little...

Annie: Psycho?

Colt: Scary?

Bertholt: Drunk?

Reiner: All three, actually

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

*At a dinner party in Historia's palace but someone has just been murdered*

Detective Historia, to Hange: You're acting pretty carefree for someone whose life has just been threatened. Who's to say you're not the murderer?

Hange: It's a murder, not a tax audit. I'll be fine.

Reiner: What about Pieck? Nobody ever suspects Pieck!

Pieck: Well what about Sasha? She has a gun!

Sasha: And Connie has a knife!

Connie: Yeah, for fun, not murder! *stabs Reiner in the arm*

*Everybody screams*

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Pieck: Okay, so I think that was pretty clear in establishing we're all wussies and none of us did it

Detective Historia, taking a puff out of her pipe: Elementary, my dear Watson

Pieck: What?

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Note that the "what should i get from the store" quote is, in fact, NOT the same one as in part 6. Neither is the gaz station one. I don't make mistakes, feeble mortals.

Find more of these here ! Also here's one of the incorrect quotes because it was particularly funny

87 notes · View notes

klm-zoflorr · 1 year

Text

Aot incorrect quotes part uhhhhh idk seven or something

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Sasha: Yeah, so they wanted to put me in the beginners' class with the little kids

Niccolo: So what's the issue?

Sasha: I don't want to be around a bunch of 5 years old! They can be so cruel when they sense weakness

Connie: That's why on the first day you have to beat up the biggest one in the yard. Assert dominance, you know.

Niccolo: Jesus Connie that's juvie rules not cooking class rules

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Yelena: We’re in constant need for a new microwave because Commander Hange keeps exploding stuff in ours.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Pieck: I mean, come on, it's all fine. Let's just hug it out. Come on! Hug it out!

*The Warriors struggle into a group hug*

Porco: *patting himself out* Who took my wallet?

Gabi: Oh! ...Sorry.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Commander Magath, talking to general Calvi: I just don't think fries for lunch really fits the "health conscious" image we're trying to sell

Gabi, following them: *in between two coughs* Cowards

Commander Magath: Excuse me?!

Gabi: What's not clicking?

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Zeke: Grandfather... Am I ugly?

Mr. Yaeger: What nonsense! I'm looking at you right now, you're the most beautiful little man in the world!

Grisha: Father, am I ugly?

Mr. Yaeger, not even looking up from his newspaper: Very much

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Pieck: You know, studies show that the brain does some of it's best work when it's not trying. That's why great ideas come in the shower.

Zeke: Mh. For me, it's usually you who c-

Porco: Don't finish that sentence.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Historia: When you said "I'll show you some magic in the bedroom", I'm gonna be honest, I wasn't expecting that kinda...

Eren: *pulls out an ace of spades from his deck* Now, was that your card?!

Historia: Holy shit

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Zeke: *taking a swig out of his flask then holding it out to Pieck* You want some of this?

Pieck: Sure why not *takes a swig*

Pieck:

Pieck: Is this soup

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Gabi: I'm the type of person that likes to think things through.

Udo: I once saw you try to eat a marshmallow that was still on fire

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Falco: Hey Gabi. Pssst Gabi.

Gabi: What?

Falco: Hi!

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Reiner (about Eren): We can't kill him!

Mikasa: Not with that attitude we can't

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Marcel: So, how are you two doing?

Annie: I think I accidentally stole a dog

Porco: I'm not doing too well, I have this headache that comes and goes, super annoying.

*Reiner enters the room*

Porco: Oh look, there it is again

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Reiner: I'm so useless

Porco: No you're not! Look, at least you'll always be able to be used as a bad example!

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Mikasa: You shouldn't be using a straw

Hange: I know, it's bad for the environnment or whatever

Mikasa: No, it's just a weird way to eat spaghetti!

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Hange: I’m gonna need a human skull and I can't have you ask any questions why.

Mikasa: Only if you also don't ask why

Mikasa: *Pulls out 7 pristine human skulls* Take your pick.

Hange:

Mikasa:

Hange: This one is fine

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Hange: I've got a riddle for you. What's got four legs and isn't alive?

Mikasa: Nice try, but I know this one. It's a chair.

Hange: *holding dead dog* Not this time!

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Historia: Have you ever gotten checked for any, you know... weirdness?

Hange: ...Where would I go for that?

Historia: There has to be a doctor that specializes in that!

Hange: In "weirdness"?

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Commander Magath, answering the phone: Hello?

Kidnappers: We have your son

Commander Magath: I don't have a son

Kidnappers: Oh, then who's the little kid who asked us to cut the crust off his sandwich and for a glass of chocolate milk?

Commander Magath, covering the phone: Oh my god, they have Falco

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Eren on top of his founding titan: I SEE NO GOD UP THERE...

Eren: ...OTHER THAN ME!

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Armin: Annie, how did you find me?

Annie: I just saw a giant explosion and wondered "who else could that be?"

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Pieck: Zeke is playing hard to get.

Pieck: Little does he know, I'm a master at playing hard to get rid of.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Zeke: "wHy diD yOu cOmMit mUrdEr" I'm an extrovert, next question

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Historia: My toxic trait is how badly I want to domesticate a raccoon

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Historia: Sasha, are you crying??

Sasha: No, I'm just having an allergic reaction!

Historia: To what?

Sasha: To life!

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Mikasa: How is the most beautiful person in the world doing?

Eren: I don't know, how are you?

Zeke, across the room: I'M DOING GREAT!

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Reiner: Would you slap your brother for 100 bucks?

Zeke: I'd slap Eren for looking at me wrong

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Eren: THE FLOOR IS LAVA!

Mikasa: *Helps Armin into the counter*

Sasha: *Pushes Connie off the sofa*

Historia, hanging from the ceilling light: Two types of friends

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Gabi: I came as soon as I heard! Is it true you're terribly ill?

Commander Magath, laying in bed with a scarf around his neck: You sound so hopeful

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Historia: Just... Be yourself!

Mikasa: Be myself? Krista, I have one day to win Eren over before he goes on that mission. How long did it take before you guys even started liking me?

Jean: Couple weeks

Armin: Six months, and I'm still scared of you when you raise your voice a bit too much.

Ymir: Jury's still out

Mikasa: "Be myself" What kind of garbage advice is that!

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Connie: I'm out tonight.

Jean: Oh yeah? Gonna go on a date? Get some hoes?

Connie: You know I'm not like that!

Jean: My bad

Jean: Wait are you asexual I didn't know this

Connie: No. Just lame and bitchless.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Hange: Do you guys ever have a civilized conversation that doesn't require insulting each other every time you get the chance?

Eren: No

Jean: No

Hange: Yeah. Didn't think so.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Zeke, to Eren: I'd sell you to Satan for one corn chip, but if you ever want me to commit war crimes for you? Don't even need to ask

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Gabi, sing-songing: I am looking for trouble and if I do not find it I will create it!

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Reiner: me: going 100 mph (mistakes per hour)

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Zeke: You need my help?

Reiner: Well, I would not phrase it like that.

Zeke: Well, if you want my help, you better phrase it exactly like that.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Armin: Jean, can I talk to you for a second?

Jean: Yeah, what's up? Oh, let me guess. You and Annie are having problems and you want me to teach you how to kiss?

Armin: What? No, stop that. I know how to kiss. I've read books.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Sasha: Here's a fun Christmas idea. We hang mistletoe, but instead of kissing, you have to FIGHT whoever else is under it.

Mikasa: Sasha no.

Gabi: Call it mistlefoe!

Reiner: Please stop encouraging her.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

*Mikasa's helping Jean out after he got injured, while the others are watching*

Reiner, walking in: How does Jean look?

Annie, looking between the both of them: A little better than you, actually

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Pieck: With great power comes great need to take a nap. Wake me up later.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Hange: I'm so tired of this life. I want to be a roomba. I want knives taped to me. I want to be set loose.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Onyankopon: *gets down on one knee*

Yelena: Oh my god, it's finally happening.

Onyankopon: *falls over*

Yelena: The poison is kicking in!

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Historia: But what about Eren?!

Armin: Don't worry about him.

Armin: I once watched him fall down 5 flights of stairs, stand up, and keep eating his hotdog like nothing happened.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Hange: Oh just so you know, it's very muggy outside

Erwin:

Erwin: Hange, I swear, if I step outside and all of my mugs are on the front lawn...

Hange: *Sips tea from bowl*

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Zeke: The Warhammer is a very powerful titan. You'll be messing with some forces we don't fully understand.

Eren: Sounds like a dare to me!

Zeke: Oh my god

Zeke: How did you survive that long on your own?!

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Zeke: *walks into an art museum*

Zeke: Hello, I am here to donate myself.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Gabi: Can I say something that will probably annoy you?

Reiner: Since when do you ask for permission?

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Annie: Today is a day of running through hurdles.

Hitch: Aren’t you supposed to jump OVER hurdles?

Annie: Whatever. Fear is only something to be afraid of if you let it scare you.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Annie: You can’t expect me to stab somebody on an empty stomach.

Armin: I’d prefer you didn’t stab anyone at all.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Hitch: If Armin and I were drowning, who would you save?

Annie: You two can't swim?

Armin: It's a hypothetical question, Annie! Who would you save?

Annie: My time and effort.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

*Armin and Hitch are standing in the rain*

Hitch: *banging on the door* Annie, open up!!

Annie: Well, it all started when I was very young...

Hitch: No, I meant-

Armin: Let her finish

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Annie: Armin and I don't use pet names, that's ridiculous.

Mikasa: I see. Hey, what do bees make?

Annie: Honey?

Armin: Yes, sweetheart?

Annie:

Mikasa: Don't lie to my face ever again

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Annie: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

Hitch: I will bet every penny I own that I'm not.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

*At a restaurant*

Reiner: You guys should try the orange soda, it's amazing

Porco: Okay

Marcel: Sounds neat

Waiter: And for the drinks, what can I get you?

Reiner: Orange soda, please!

Marcel: I'll have the strawberry juice.

Porco: Me too, strawberry juice as well.

Reiner:

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Erwin: Living well is the best revenge.

Hange: Yeah, but obviously I'm not gonna do that. What's the second best. Cutting their brakes, right?

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Kidnappers: We have your girlfriend

Armin: You have Annie?

Kidnappers : Yeah. We want ten tho-

Armin: Good luck with that. *Hangs up*

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Eren: I don't think the therapist is supposed to say "wow" that many times during their first session with a client, but here we are

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Eren: Ymir said I only have 4 days left to live.

Historia: You're sick?!?!

Eren: No, she just doesn't like me.

Ymir, shouting: I'll fuck you up on Tuesday!

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Jean: *Pointing at strange, non-identified liquid* Is that gasoline?

Sasha: I'm pretty sure that's just water

Eren, lighting a match: Well, only one way to find out

Eren: *Throws the match. The gasoline ignites*

Armin: *Screams*

Jean: THERE WERE MORE WAYS TO TELL!!

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Levi: Kenny, my old arch enemy!

Zeke: Hey, I thought I was your arch enemy??

Levi: I have a life outside of you, Zeke

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Reiner: I know you snuck out last night, Gabi

Pieck, muttering: Play dumb!

Gabi: Who's Gabi?

Pieck: Not that dumb!!

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Reiner: I'm a bit of a rebel, too, you know. Sometimes I drink milk straight out of the container

Pieck: The cow???

Gabi: What?

Reiner: Pieck, WHY?!

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Pieck, consoling Annie: Things are going to be difficult. But you-

Reiner: *from behind the door* -are going to be difficulter

Marcel: *also from behind the door* That's the spirit!! Be a problem to your problems! Mark your territory!

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

*Levi shatters a window and climbs through it*

Levi, turning around and helping Mikasa through it: Breaking and entering is wrong Mikasa.

Mikasa: ...Okay

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Sasha, rolling down the car window: What seems to be the problem, officer?

Levi: Get the FUCK out of my car

Sasha: Okay, okay. Jee.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Ymir: Where are you all really from?

Reiner: Liberio

Ymir: I'm sorry

Bertholt, a little louder: He said Liberio

Ymir: No, I heard. I'm just sorry.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Zeke: You have a face that only a mother could love.

Levi: Yes. Your mother, in fact.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Annie, sent to assassinate Hange: *creeping behind them, knife in hand*

Hange, loudly: I hope no one is about to attack me from behind because I'm thinking about baking pastries later.

Annie:

Annie: What kind?

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Porco, sitting on a balcony: *sneezes*

Gabi, crawling on the roof: Bless you

Porco: God?!

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Hange, to Zeke: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don't let the fact that you're a terrible person keep you up tonight <3

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Historia: Don’t wish ill upon strangers.

Eren: Great advice but remember if someone has slighted you they are no longer a stranger but an enemy hope this helps

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Pieck: *Banging a pen on the table out of frustration*

Zeke: Stop that! How would you feel if I banged you on the side of the table?

Pieck: I- I don’t know the correct answer to that question…

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Falco: What if I pour coffee in my cereal instead of milk?

Colt, taking the coffee pot as he walks by: What if you don't.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Colt: Do you think Reiner has been doing okay lately?

Reiner, running after a garbage truck: COME BACK! YOU FORGOT ME!

Porco: Yeah he seems pretty normal.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Mikasa: Armin, your magazine arrived! And Eren, I organized all your mail into three categories: "From your brother," "Death threats," and "Death threats from your brother."

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Commander Magath: Ackerman! A word, please. Gabi tried to steal one of those Thunder Spears.

Levi: So?

Commander Magath: She was caught doing something she shouldn't have and should be reprimanded by someone she admires, say, you.

Levi: What?! This is unacceptable!

Commander Magath: I know, right?

Levi: Criminal even!

Gabi: Oh come on...

Levi: Who taught you how to sneak around?! Ah, if it had been me you would never have been caught! Come on now, three rounds around the castle, that'll teach you to be a bad thief you little brat!

Commander Magath: NOT what I meant-

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Zeke: Look. I know that from the outside it seems like I have everything together.

Tom Xaver: No, not really.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Tom Xaver: Heads up, if you try to make a candle with food coloring, the food coloring will just sink to the bottom of the glass, and when the flame eventually reaches the bottom all the food coloring will catch fire and become one giant tall flame that you cannot possibly blow out and the glass will start to crack and then you'll throw your tea on it in a panic and then the extremely hot food coloring will boil and sizzle horribly and then the glass will shatter. Please take my word on this.

Zeke: What did you do M. Xaver?

Tom Xaver: A MISTAKE

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Zeke: You're my best friend and like a father to me, I would do anything for you.

Tom Xaver: I want you to eat three meals a day and have a decent sleep schedule.

Zeke: Absolutely not.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Zeke, to Tom Xaver: Come on, you know I've never been one to half-ass shenanigans

Tom Xaver: We're talking about betraying our country and possible genocide here.

Zeke: Shenanigans.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Ymir: Wanna play 21 questions??

Historia: Sure, I'll start. What's your favorite color?

Ymir: Triangle. Do you like girls?

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Mikasa, after Eren did something stupid again: I'm too tired to slap you for that today. Just bash your face into my palm really hard.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Eren, at Liberio: You came?

Mikasa: You called.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Pieck: You came?

Porco: ...That's what she said

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Reiner: You came?!

Gabi: You called.

Reiner: I didn't fucking call you. YOU eavesdropped on a PRIVATE conversation and decided it was YOUR BUSINESS to come here and bother all of us!

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

~~~the beginninge of it all~~~

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