My derealization is like. Almost Cartoonishly bad, I think. Like I'll walk through any location and it's All Liminal Spaces for me, (almost) all the time. Prolly why backrooms horror doesn't irk me. For me they're just the Normal Rooms!

yandere kenny mccormick x reader

till death do us part (part 2) (sorry if my english is bad :( and that i didnt put in kennys pov)

DISCLAIMER: YANDERES AND STALKERS ARE BAD AND I DO NOT CONDONE THEM IRL!! SMUT BTW

The bell rang, never in your life were you so grateful class started. Realizing the whole entire time during lunch 99% of it was ignoring Kenny and the other 1% was that love letter.

You couldn't help but feel drained and frustrated with the situation, wishing for some sort of escape. You wondered if Kenny could sense your reluctance in hanging out with him or if he was just blinded by his own excitement. Either way, it left you feeling conflicted and even more unsettled than before. As the students began to file back into their classrooms, you found yourself lost in thought. The more you thought about it, Mark and Kenny seem extremely against each other. 

Either it was Kenny pissed off at Mark because you keep hanging out with him or Mark being suspicious of Kenny for some reason. The weight of their presence seemed to loom over you constantly, causing anxiety and discomfort that you couldn't shake off easily.

Deep down, you knew that there were underlying issues at play - issues that perhaps went beyond simple jealousy or insecurity. It was a complicated web of emotions that needed untangling but one thing was clear: pretending everything was okay wasn't going to cut it anymore. With a heavy heart, you made your way back to class hoping for some kind of distraction from the messiness that awaited outside its walls.

3 more periods of class. You can do this.

2 more now. 

1 more.

Then finally, school’s over.

Then finally, school’s over. exiting out of class, Kenny's already waiting for you out the door. before you even had time to process, he already ripped you out of the classroom and gripping harshly on your hand and a bit too close for comfort. As you two walk, you pull away awkwardly, trying to create more space between the two of you. Kenny notices your discomfort and frowns, but neverminds it.

Reaching the school gates with no mention of Mark anywhere, you can't help but feel a twinge of guilt. You didn't tell Mark about Kenny going to your house, and that just seemed like a shitty thing to do. "Hey, can I tell Mark about this first?" you ask. As if his frown before didn't hurt enough, Kenny's expression turns into a scowl. "Alright, jus- just don't take too long." He finally lets go of his grip. You nod, feeling a sense of relief and anxiety. You grab your phone off the table, immediately trying to apologise for not telling him later.

As you text Mark, your heart races with anticipation and nervousness. you turn your head around, turning to find Mark, and you finally spot him with a girl? You couldn't quite make out who she was, but your heart sank nonetheless.

It's alright. I mean, maybe it's just a friend like you and Kenny: god, is this how Mark felt? You felt so bad, and now you're having even more second thoughts about inviting Kenny home. “Fuck isn’t that Mark?” you turned to Kenny then to Mark. “Mhm.” A fit of irrational jealousy rose within you, but you tried to suppress it as hard as you could. "Damn. You know he's hanging out with the girl who basically fucked half of the football team right?" he said. Your eyes widened in shock, you turned to Kenny, eyes still widened in shock, disgusted by his words. "What? That's not true, do-don't say things like that," you responded sharply, feeling defensive of Mark and the girl he was with. Kenny shrugs it off, but you can't shake off the feeling of unease as you continue walking towards your house.

You couldn't understand why he would say something like that, that just made you stressed out even more! you brush it off, he probably didn't mean to make you feel that way.

The way home was just like lunch. Except for the love letter flooding your thoughts, it's that girl. As you arrive at your front door, feeling relieved that at least one mess was sorted especially considering how Mark just told you everything was fine between them despite what may have been, you turn around only to find Kenny standing way too close again - something he seems to do often without noticing or caring about personal space boundaries.

You try not to flinch away from him as he leans forward and whispers into your ear, smiling "I'm glad we got some alone time today." Your heart races faster now than ever before - part confusement, part fear. "too close." you push him away. He rolls his eyes, still having that smile on his face, just a little less noticeable.

The unease inside you grows as you walk silently beside Kenny, trying to push away the negative thoughts creeping into your mind. Eventually, you arrive at your house and invite Kenny in. As soon as he steps inside, your mother immediately greets him, ignoring your siblings in a heartbeat. "Awh hi hun, didn't know you'd be here! '' she says sweetly, making you cringe internally. "You want me to whip up a snack for you? I'll be as quick as I can!" you can hear your siblings muttering about needing help but your mom shushing them. "Thank you Mrs.l/n, but I'm fine," he said politely. "Alright! Call me when you need anything. Also, me and my little munchkins are gonna leave at 5 to go to Aunt Linda’s house. We won’t go home till tomorrow alright so be careful!" your mother said joyfully.

you and Kenny finally went upstairs. "Look see, I told you your mom likes me more than your siblings," he said smugly. "yep." you said, you were too tired to argue with him. As you hang out together in your room, listening to music and chatting about nothing in particular, something feels off.

Maybe it's because of what happened earlier or maybe it's because of how close Kenny seems to be getting physically; either way, something isn't right. Kenny's words only make things worse; his casually misogynistic comments about the very same girl that you're trying to forget about leave a sour taste in your mouth. 

God you needed sleep. You forgot about your phone for a while. Your body is just unable to process anything at the moment. You grab your phone and check your notifications. Awe Mark. Mark. Shit Mark. You immediately open your phone in a panic, quickly checking Mark’s messages he sent you. 

“Alright 👍”

“Accidentally sent something to u mb”

Well that was a relief. Kinda. At least he isn’t mad. Is it bad you expected more than that? You leave a sigh of relief, finally feeling calm after what felt like years of suffering and misery. “Did you figure out who wrote it?” Kenny said suddenly, “Wrote what?” you replied. “The love letter?” At that moment you wanted to punch Kenny in the face. The feeling of peace finally came to you and it was ripped out of you. “Nope.” you said monotony, “Oh okay.” he replied back with the same tone. A few minutes of silence pass, until Kenny lets out a shocked gasp. You turn to him, he turns his phone towards you and you can’t believe your eyes.

A picture of Mark making out with that very girl. Your eyes swell up with tears. You feel your heart drop as you stare at the image on Kenny's phone. The lump in your throat makes it hard to breathe, and a wave of nausea washes over you. You can't believe what you're seeing; it feels like a betrayal, not just from Mark but from yourself for ever thinking that he might actually care about you.

As the tears spill down your cheeks, Kenny tries to offer some words of sympathy, but they fall flat. His presence only seems to magnify the pain and confusion swirling inside of you. Was any of it real? Did Mark ever have feelings for you or was he just using you as a distraction until he could be with this other girl? All these questions and more are racing through your mind as Kenny continues to babble on beside you. 

He seems almost unaware of the weight of his own words or how much they hurt. It's like he doesn't even get why this is such a big deal to you. In that moment, all the sleepiness has left your body entirely- replaced instead by an overwhelming mix of emotions: sadness, anger, disappointment...it's too much to bear all at once. Kenny sits next to you, a bit too close again but you weren't gonna say anything. You can't handle anything right now.

"Dump him already." Kenny said, those words echo in your head. He places his hand on your thigh, okay this is a bit too far. you push his hand away, he puts it back. "Kenny stop, just stop. My boyfriend's literally cheating on me, I don't want you to be treating me like the sluts you hangout with every night." your words startle him, he retracts his hand back as if he just touched something extremely hot. but he retracts his hand back, but harder onto your wrists. You try to pull away, but his grip only tightens. "Ken, let go." you sob between your words. "You deserve better then him, you know that right?" he says softly. you try and let go of his grip but he grips it even more tightly. He yanks your hand, moving you closer to him. before you had any time to process anything, he kisses you. 

As the kiss lingers on and his hand moves up to your shoulders and around your neck, he pulls away and looks at you, his eyes filled with emotion. "What the fuck Kenny!" you yell, trying to push him away with all your strength but you can't. You try to scream, hoping your family would hear you then remember they already left. "You deserve me." his hands push yours above your head, you watch knowing you can't do anything. he straddles you, his face inches away from yours. you feel trapped and scared, as he kisses you again and again. in between kisses, he would mutter something about wanting you, about how Mark is a dick who should kill himself. 

Tears roll down your eyes, "I've always wanted you." he mutters. "I could've had you. i did everything for you" you feel sick to your stomach, realizing that he's been harboring these feelings for you all along. he kisses you again, drunken with lust and love, "Mark just had to ruin everything, but now i can finally have you." you sob, why is this happening to you? "why are you doing this?!" you muster up. he smiles, the same smile that would always make your day. not anymore. "Cause I love you, and i know, i know! you love me too. deep down." You shake your head, tears streaming down your face. wanting to just go back in time, to before any of this happened. "I'll tell everyone about this! everyone!" you say, hoping this will scare him somehow. but instead, kenny just giggles, "sure sweetheart." saying sarcastically. You feel helpless, trapped under his weight and his hold on you. As you lay there, listening to Kenny's words, a knot forms in your stomach. You feel as though the walls are closing in on you.  

"Take your clothes off," he said. You sit there dumbfounded, and he finally lets your hands go. You swear there are bruises on there from how hard he held them. You slap him in anger; Kenny winces in pain, "Ouch." You look in fear at what he was going to do next. "I’ll just take them off for you." He rips your shirt off, revealing your bra. You sob even more. Your breathing gets crazy; you're hyperventilating like never before. He caresses your face, saying, "Shh, shh, it’s alright, darling. Deep breaths." He smiles. Is he really comforting me when he’s trying to violate me? Weirdly, you listen to him. Trying to calm yourself down “Okay, now I'm going to take those off. Stay still, please." He unclips your bra, and they fall right off your shoulders. Your senses were overpowered by a panic reaction. You frantically mustered your power and pushed against his chest, pushing him just slightly. He grabbed your hands again with one hand, but instead of pinning them above your hand, he put them on your lap, removing your bra.

“God they look perfect.” you felt his length tighten against you, he gaped in admiration, astounded by your gorgeous figure. He pulls out something from the pocket of his orange parka, a gun..? “Don’t fight back please.”’ he warns, before letting your hands go. You sit there in fear, he puts it back in his pocket. His fingers massaged your breasts, grabbing both of your nipples and forcing you to bite your lower lip. He held one breast in his palm, gently squeezing it, while his other hand brushed your hair away from your face. Your hands squeeze against your bed. "S-stop!" You shouted out, but it sounded out as a moan. You hated it, but your hips began to press on Kenny's hard cock. As he teased your clothed nipples again, the tears streamed down your cheeks. You tried so hard to keep your moans to yourself, but all it did was force Kenny try harder to take in your wonderful moans of ecstasy. “Don’t look at mm-” 

He moved in to kiss your breasts, his tongue running over your boobs before working its way to your nipple, giving it a delicate sucking. "K-Kenny-!" You moaned out, and Kenny smirked as your moans became louder. He sucked your firm nipples as his other hand gripped your other boob, his thumb flicking painfully slowly across your nipple. You moved your head away from him as he leaned down to kiss your lips, but he gripped your cheek and pushed you to look into his ocean eyes. His lips touched yours, gently kissing you. 

Your pussy began to pulse, and you felt more cum build up. Your body craved more of him. His thumb caressed your clothed clit, and Kenny could only hear your moans as you fought against it. It felt wonderful having your most pussy tormented in this way, but you craved more.

When he saw your swollen, moist pussy, he pulled down your pants then your underwear, licked his lips. His fingers stroked you, eventually slipping in and gliding beyond your G-spot, causing you to moan. He aimlessly stroked over that area with the friction driving you insane. You were getting close that you clenched around his warm fingertips inside of you.

"I know you're getting close. It's all right, you can cum." As you slipped into a profound orgasm, more of your liquid spilled onto Kenny's fingers, a wave of ecstasy rushed over you. The wave died down  after the tremendous orgasm, and you breathed, returning to reality. You were disgusted that your body had allowed you to succumb to the pleasure.

You take a deep breath and try to compose yourself. He sits beside you, hugging you. Caressing your face gently, “I love you, so so much.” he mutters, “I hate you.“ you reply. He only hums in return, as you think your tears are coming to an end, you cry even more. He tries to comfort you, but that won’t undo what he did to you. In that moment, all you can think about is how much trust has been broken and how deep the hurt runs. "I'm gonna get a tissue, okay? don't even fucking think of running away." as he left the room, you cried like you never did before. tears pouring out like crazy.

You feel like you're drowning in a sea of emotions, unable to process everything that's happening. Your mind is racing, trying to make sense of it all but nothing seems to add up. The pain feels so real; it's like a physical ache in your chest that won't go away no matter how hard you try. You start to question everything that led you here, why did you even invite Kenny in the first place? 

He comes back with the tissues, he cleans up the mess you made comforting you as he cleans it up. “You wrote the love letter?” you ask, sniffling in between your words. “Mhm.” he replies. You shake your head in disbelief. As his words sink in, your mind goes back to that day when you received the letter. You remember the feeling of being noticed when you read it. Even though the whole time you were anxious it was a prank; it was like a dream come true, finally someone who saw something special in you that wasn't just Mark or Kenny.

As Kenny continues to hold you close, his embrace feels suffocating instead of comforting. Your mind is still trying to make sense of everything but it's too much at once; too many emotions fighting against each other for control inside your head. Eventually, tiredness takes over and your eyes start drooping again but this time not because of fatigue alone. It's also because of the mental exhaustion brought on by these endless thoughts and emotions running rampant through your brain. As sleep begins to overtake you once more, one thing becomes clear - Things will never be the same between you and Kenny again no matter how hard either one tries to fix it. You're hoping that when you wake up this is all a dream.

olympia soiree review after 100%-ing the game... general consensus of my brain worms is that the premise, its themes, the japanese cultural context, and the lore are its biggest strengths. but it needed a heavy editing hand. writers gotta trust their audience more bc we really do not need flashbacks to a thing that happened three minutes ago. it just felt like some great solid bits that were bundled up way too much w superfluous padding. as such the pace suffered and what should have been devoted to developing further why byakuya and her li would fall in love is spent on filler and revisiting info we already know

the spiciness and the sheer romance of the cg scenes are so good but sometimes it was whiplash when byakuya and her li were suddenly in soulmates mode. the individual scenes were chefs kiss but the relationship development overall felt less earned which made those scenes less impactful than it should have been. i know it's just the two weeks but cmon ive been sold less believable absurdity in less that time

anyway in terms of each route:

himuka - tbh he really didn't leave a lasting impression besides his place in the lore. my fave thing is his character design and i spent most of the route pretending this was a yuri game lmao i think his was the one where i rly questioned why byakuya fell so hard and fast (and she does that in every route but his especially i was like.... but why are you suddenly so ride or die??)

tokisada - cute! but im not typically a fan of the little bro type. when he talks about walking into the ocean tho i did cry 😢 his bad ending main menu speech is so good. i love it when men break down despondently 😌

yosuga - loved him up to That Scene. i love possessive dubcon stuff in otome but this was a character who was established to be someone who prioritizes consent and safety for the female citizens of yomu so it just seemed so out of left field and uncharacteristic. did enjoy the hades and persephone analogue vibes tho

riku - such a fan of this nerd. for some reason i felt his angst more than i did the others perhaps bc his biggest obstacle in returning byakuya's love was his own self. rly related to his desire and anxiety to live up to other people's standards and his general ineptness in romantic situations. bc it often ends w byakuya being the most forward one which i always enjoy whenever the mcs take the lead in otome. had fun w him but he and byakuya felt the most whiplash along w himuka

kuroba - enjoyed his personality for most of the game and was honestly thrown off that he ended up being the most yandere of the bunch. which is interesting considering the reveal of who his birth father actually is. was not a huge fan of how they treated sexual assault in this route. like i intellectually understand why the good ending is like that but they rly should have let that motherfucker choke. handkerchief callback was adorable tho

akaza - BIG FAN of bbq dad. his was the one i was looking forward to the most bc he was the one byakuya was the most resistant in giving a chance. and im just a sucker for decent men who give off a bad first impression bc they take things too seriously. i love his insistence of asserting himself and byakuya as singular entities and not bound by the fate of their roles which is a deft way of tying the relationship with the game's overall themes. his route felt the most believable in selling why they're compatible and why they fell in love because they went to intentional multiple dates where it truly felt like they were learning about each other. i would have liked some room to explore his faults and fears outside of byakuya but i enjoyed his route the most so i can't complain too much

other scattered thoughts

the short stories are great esp the memoirs by the supporting cast. made me appreciate them more bc it gave them nuance and complexity

SHURA 🥰 complicated women my loves. wish tho that her bitterness against byakuya wasn't also rooted in her infertility. not that the motivation is inherently bad but as one of the few female dynamics byakuya has it isn't great

hairi devolving to villainy was understandable but disappointing. wish tho that there was one character based in yomu who wasn't on byakuya's side but wasn't also a villain either.

douma reveal just doesn't sit right in the end like they're trying to establish this grumpy dad vibe when douma spent the majority of the games not just being grumpy and stoic but actively being an asshole and almost resentful

kanan i was generally annoyed with until i got through the bad endings and read his memoir and i did a complete 180 on him. earnestly really enjoy this asshole now and i find him fascinating as a villain

tsukuyomi's memoir is my absolute fave "now i water the cherry tree" just the existential resignation of it all....

don't have much thoughts on the obvious allegory and how it explores oppression as a theme namely bc im missing the cultural and historical framework w my largely western lens and i think context here is absolutely imperative to do this justice

i wonder how exactly do people manage to get diagnosis? i'm suspecting i might have high-functioning depression, because in the past month all i do is sleep and eat and not shower for... days. i only shower when i feel very greasy. changing into proper clothes feels like a bother, so i never went out to get food, and rely on online delivery instead. seeing how much money i wasted bc i get deliveries instead of walking to food stalls is kinda alarming, but i'm aware that the other alternative is me not even eating at all. i only go to my campus like... 3x a week? i can manage to appear normal and feel a bit normal when with my friends, but my thesis is also pretty stressful. idk what i'm trying to convey but basically at campus i appear normal (except maybe my slow progress at thesis), but when i'm back at my dorms i become this... very passive person.

i'm seeing a therapist, mainly bc back when my thesis first started, i got so overwhelmed i had passive suicidal thoughts. but i find myself not being able to be honest abt the extent of my struggles. i'm very embarrassed to admit that i've been having difficulty with hygiene. my therapist gives off a mom vibe, so i think i'm scared to be judged for my lack of hygiene... not showering for days, not even changing my clothes or underwear, not brushing my teeth, not cleaning my living space and letting ants surround leftover food... so i always made myself presentable during session. idk, seeing as the session is in-person, i dont think she'd take it well if she know someone who didnt bathe for days entered her clean room. but me pretending that everything is okay makes her think im just having normal thesis struggles, which sucks. but im also scared to be honest abt my hygiene issues.

another thing is my social anxiety. its actually so bad that i cant go out of my dorm room without making sure there arent anyone outside. im not acquainted with anyone in the dorm, i dont even know their names or how they look. but im also scared to tell my therapist abt this??? im scared she will tell me to make friends to overcome my anxiety??? which is scary??? i feel self conscious bc what if someone has been paying attention to how i barely ever leave my room or that they never hear any showering sounds from me??? idk its scary. im pretty sure i have social anxiety, but my therapist has managed to make me open up and im not super quiet during sessions and can behave mostly like myself so i unconsciously put on a mask that always makes me be in denial abt my issues (in this case, pretending i have proper social skills, instead of admittinh i shrivel in fear when put in new social situations)

my thesis is also very much in bad state but instead of telling my therapist that my advisor thinks i havent been taking the thesis seriously (which hurts, bc i do worry abt its progress, even if it looks like im not making proper progress), i tell her that my worries arent proportional to the reality (bc my catastrophizing mind thought i would need to redo everything, while the reality is i only got told to make changes).

tldr im scared to be honest to my therapist bc of internalized shame and all that, even tho thats the reason i decided to pursue therapy? but also its scaryyy. esp the hygiene part. ppl around me are the clean types who hates messy stuff so i think it exacerbates the shame. esp bc i dont just have a messy room, but also havent been showering for days

Hi anon,

First of all I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling. Please know you're not alone. I admit that I also struggle with hygiene in a very similar way as well as consistently eating takeout, and I have diagnosed depression. It sounds like you have some big and intimidating responsibilities right now, and that's perhaps feeding into your depressive symptoms. You feel overwhelmed, misunderstood, and lost.

I understand the resistance to open up to your therapist about things that you have internalized shame about. Please just know that one of the main purposes of a therapist is to not make you feel judged or ridiculed, and any therapist who does do this doesn't deserve their position because it's damaging to a client. That is the last thing you need right now.

I can definitely relate to feeling judged by your therapist solely out of internalized shame alone and not any sort of cues on their end. In my experience, every time I did decide to open up about the thing I was ashamed about, it always ended up going much better than I anticipated. That being said, if you are picking up on cues from your therapist that makes you feel like she would judge you for opening up about this, then this therapist may not be a good fit for you. You deserve a therapist that doesn't make you feel judged.

I recognize that it can be an intimidating hurdle to decide to talk about these uncomfortable subjects with your therapist. But please consider that once you do choose to talk about it, your therapist can give you tools and direction to figure out how to manage both your depression and your social anxiety. Ultimately, it's important to take your time with this - don't feel pressured necessarily into opening up to your therapist, do so when you feel ready, but just consider the fact that you deserve help.

I hope I could help. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

Well, I'm gonna ask about Hidden Shadows!

im glad you did

This is the sequel to Notes of A Feather , my Evan/Rodney PWP that has since gained plot sentience. Basically, the two of them decide to keep sleeping together, and they're having fun keeping it secret and so they don't tell anyone, and also actively make choices to make sure people don't find out (like Rodney 'discovering' a pool on Atlantis so John is distracted by Ronon's abs) and so on. And then along the way they discover feelings.

So far they've had sex in a supply closet, a bathroom, both bedrooms and in one memorial occasion, a balcony without the door closed

They're really enjoying the sneaking around aspect of it, esp since they don't actually care of people find out. They just you know, don't wanna deal with questions.

There's a snippet under the cut bc its porn

Evan knew it was a bad idea, he did. It hadn’t been the worst idea three weeks ago, and the note for a repeat hadn’t been a bad idea, but this? This was a bad idea.

It was just hard to remember it as Rodney’s mouth slid down, taking him deeper, swallowing around his cock with an experience Evan hadn’t seen since he was eighteen and smiling at one of his sisters older friends, the pretty ones who wore make up even in the face of anger and didn’t care about the abuse hurled towards them.

It was a bad idea because there were people just outside the door. People who might for some reason decide they needed another uniform right then and walk into the storage room Rodney had shoved him into and see the XO of Atlantis bracing himself between two shelves to try and keep his balance even braced against the wall, as the CSO of Atlantis blew him.

Me when serpent and dove: 👁️👄👁️⁉️🫣😱🫵😐💔🤯⁉️🤡

Like man just because you’re going through Jichang brain rot doesn’t mean that you have to give it to me too 👹/j

AND THANK YOU I KNEW YOU’D UNDERSTAND THE SUNSET LINE LIKE THERE WAS A REASON I HIGHLIGHTED IT 😭 but Ofc I’m insecure so I always downplay what I like so that no one else can make fun of it cause I already made fun of it myself #copingmechanisms #earlybirdgetstheworm 🥲 I’m glad you get it like I do tho 😔🫶

It’s so sad that you haven’t read for fun in a while tho 😭 BUT YOU’RE JUST LIKE ME FR CAUSE IDK THE QUALITY OF PRINTED LITERATURE THESE DAYS IS JUST BAD 😩 Like FR a double whammie smh you got the same boring plot and the same boring covers 😔💔 IT’S LIKE- WHY WOULD I PAY $20+ FOR A BOOK THAT I PROBABLY READ 3 TIMES BEFORE JUST WITH DIFFERENT NOUNS IF I COULD READ A BEAUTIFULLY WRITTEN ONESHOT BY SUNGBEAM HERSELF?? I hereby declare this tomfoolery yessir

AND YOU HAVENT WATCHED MIRROR MIRROR WITH THE STUNNING LILY COLLINS AKA MY FAV NEPOBABY??? I was actually gonna send the link for the opening scene but no one cared to post the opening scene on YouTube but they bothered to post the FULL MF MOVIE 💀💀💀

I would send the link but it seems that the paste thing timed out and I don’t want to leave the Tumblr app (rip mobile) again cause it will refresh everything (yes this is my second time writing this) so just look up mirror mirror opening scene on YouTube 😭

AND THANK YOU POOKIE I’M GLAD MY IDEAS WERE GOOD ACTUALLY LMAO 🤭 and nooo I haven’t watched rescuers even tho it does ring a bell 🤔

And ok??? Damn I was just making sure I had all bases covered just in case you were being a perv like smh idk your life 🙄☝️/jkjk SJFJEJR

Oh and I haven’t watched secret invasion but I kinda just thought abt it cause yk superheroes/marvel LMAO but have you watched ‘the boys’ on Amazon prime? It was actually pretty interesting (even tho TW it’s way more explicit in the blood, death, and sexual aspects and it did take a hot sec for me to get used to it 💀) but I actually would recommend it just be weary of those warnings 🫡 also you might’ve even seen a reaction vid from it since it got pretty popular on tiktok/twt 😭

ALSO NEW ALBUM DROPPING THE 7TH OF AUGUST BUT NOT A SINGLE PEEP OR SCHEDULER FROM IST LIKE GIRL WTF HOW RUSHED IS THIS CB GONNA BE ESP IF ITS A FULL ALBUM LIKE- 🧍‍♀️

Also also hopefully this isn’t overstepping or anything but I wanted to let you know that you’re not alone and I really related to your ‘scroll past this’ post :( it’s kind of hard not feeling that way and I do kind of get impostor syndrome too just cause I feel like I can never accomplish anything and I can never make it to people’s expectations of me but honestly I think I just need to be kinder to myself? And you should too! Something I do to remember that I have to be kinder to myself is by imagining my inner monologue being directed to the younger version of myself. I went through a lot when I was a kid and I just know that if I say what I say to myself/about myself to my younger self then it would completely destroy me. And if it would’ve destroyed me then, why wouldn’t it destroy me now? And it’s cause it does. It chips at me, albeit slowly. And then I’ll just absolutely break down one day. But we’re on this earth too short to be hurting and anxious and insecure all the time. When you feel overwhelmed it’s good to just… back away for a bit. Maybe cook, get some ice cream, take a walk in the park, just sit outside and breathe. Ground yourself and remind yourself that although you’re not perfect, no one is. You can always be a happier version of yourself though so just do what feels right at the moment and live in the moment :) I don’t want to downplay your pain at all but I really hope that I could provide at least a smidge of comfort since that’s what I do when I’m really feeling down (esp existential rip) :,)

- If you have breath you have purpose. You are an instrument, a testament, that these minutes can be survived. (Raquel Franco)

Love, 🌷 anon

LISTEN. serpent and dove has been hiding in my drafts folder since JUNE I HAVE BEEN EXERCISING A LOT OF SELF CONTROL OKAY :l

NO CUZ i do that too 😭😭😭 #copingmechanism frfr cuz if i already clown it then ur clownery will have no effect skfnkenff

TEARS ! anyways,, , ahem yes i do appreciate that sunset line, it makes me feel something for once so thank u ma'am 😔 WAIT I JUST SAW THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM SKDNSKDM AHAHHAHAHA when the worm = dignity 💔💔💔

HELPPP DONT SAY THAT UR GONNA MAKE ME SEVERELY DELULU ABT MY WRITING ABILITIES 🤡🤡🤡 no but i FEEL u, like i find books that im intrigued by, but a lot of them are just copy paste of each other and they never intrigue me and r ALWAYS in some form WEIRD or PROBLEMATIC 😭😭 like why would i pay money for ur copy paste covers when i can find that for free on wattpad /hj tho there r some books w those kinds of covers that r like that lol emily henry i hear is pretty good and i can't wait to finally read her shit 😔 once i get my shit together skdnkenf

blr is going down hill and FR WHY DO THEY RESET FOR ASKS LIKE CAN I NOT DRAFT AN ASK IT TAKES COURAGE AND TIME AND CAREFUL CONSIDERATION— lmslmflenf LMAO 😭😭😭 OKAY I'LL LOOK IT UP LATER 🤡 AHHAHAHA when they said, if we're gonna pirate, we're gonna go all the way !!!

takes one to know one abt the perv life 🤨🤨🤨 ANYWAYS 😁🤸‍♀️

OMG I've seen clips of the boys and it's low-key like 😭😭😭 scary skfnkejfk i mean like, the main blonde hero dude is TERRIFYING and i mean that in the best possible way. i watched a video essay on how to make a terrifying villain, and they used the boys as an example, and i had to look away from some of the parts just cuz it was so violent, and his SMILE IS O_O FRIGHTENING.

GIRL IKIKIK THEY JUST POSTED TEASERS OF THE THREE CONCEPTS !!! ITS CALLED "PHANTASY" AND TBH I THOUGHT OF DANNY PHANTOM 💔💔💔 low-key if kev came back w the blonde hair he could totally pull off danny phantom, i don't make the rules— i think my favorite concept look so far is love letter !! but i think as more is posted i'll def change 💀 we'll see 💀 NO FR IST REALLY PULLING A FASTBALL ON US FOR THIS??? like HELLO?? they're literally supposed to cb in TWO WEEKS AND I NEED TIME TO SCREAM AND YELL AND MENTALLY PREPARE AND FIGURE OUT IF IM GONNA CAVE AND BUY AN ALBUM—

ahh thanks tulip 🥺 i really appreciate u saying all that, and ,, yeah,,, i never really thought abt like if i was speaking to my younger self like that and it really does put things into perspective. i've become the person who i despised yet was desperate to please when i was a kid, and that's ,, awful. it's awful esp since i can't run away from myself like i could those people from my past. im sorry u went thru shit as a kid :( ig we find our own ways to cope and grow and try to move on, and maybe we won't always make it out of the woods immediately. i used to think i had a pretty good view of myself, and then i realized it was all just a cover-up? like it was a mask on top of a mask and it was fake and it was just covering up all the truly damaged parts of me like a bandage over a bullet wound. yeah fsfs! i forced myself to step away that day. i actually went and cleaned my bedroom workspace up w like noise cancelling headphones on and it made me feel so much better. bro fr like,, when do we not feel existential atp, sometimes i feel like im not actually "go w the flow" but "i don't care enough anymore"

— Promise me not to hide yourself when you're in pain, it's unfair that we laughed together but you cried alone. (unknown) ❤️

Ben 10 lore that exists in my heart regardless of canon

- Ben’s personality in his mid-late teens is a mix of his Alien Force and Omniverse self. On the surface, he’s very cheerful and kind even if he is a bit of arrogant showoff. He makes jokes and plays around and acts as if he isn’t bothered by the things in his life. Those who know him best understand a good portion of his outward confidence and cockiness is just a facade to cover up his insecurities and to project the ideal, effortless hero. While sometimes seen as immature, most beings know Ben 10 means business as he takes his unofficial job and people’s safety very seriously. He’s clever, adaptable, charismatic and empathetic which makes him a formidable opponent and a loyal friend. Doesn’t open up easily but if you get to him, he become so dearly attached. 

- Drinks smoothies so much for several reasons. Comfort food go brrr, reminds him of the good easy times with him Gwen and Kev. It’s also a light but generally nutritous food to give him energy for heroing. Anything too heavy and he’ll be puking (both from physical and emotional stress). Though he jokes about his mom’s health foods, his are a crazy concoction of add in proteins and vitamins/minerals bc he knows he’ll out and out collapse without it. (Still has on occasion bc boy still doesn’t eat right/enough)

- While Fame is exciting for him at first he soon begins to detest it. Not the fans, no, he can’t bring himself to hate the people who look up to him. But he hates the constant attention, that he can’t walk outside without being mobbed. the only place he feels safe is his hometown where most people are so used to him and his weirdness that they don’t react much anymore. Takes to wearing a cape and face shield when going out anywhere so he can actually get things done without being recognized and mobbed.

- Part of the reason Bellwood isn’t concerned with Ben is partially because ben’s been weird and alien for as long as they can remember but also many don’t realize how famous/powerful he is. Yeah that’s just Ben Tennyson over there, sometimes he turns into funny creatures- wait what do you MEAN he’s the savior of the universe?? He cried over a spilled smoothie the other day.

- Does mostly online schooling by the time he’s 15. At first he tries to do half day things to maintain something of a normal life but it quickly becomes overwhelming and dangerous him/the school. Finishes his GED early but the Plumbers and Azmuth make him take additional college level and alien courses to prepare him for his future role. Ben gripes but really does love learning all these things, especially on his terms (ADHD and stress + the public school system do not always go hand in hand). He’s a quick learner when he deems the information important and is made accessible to his learning needs.

- Ben definitely has ADHD speaking of which, it was nearly uncontrollable as a child bc his free-spirited parents didn’t believe in medicating. Ben convinced them he needed it and after some trial and error, found meds that worked. As he became more involved in heroics/growing up he had to change his medicine regimen (resulting in him being a bit more off the rails in OV) and needed antidepressants and therapy to manage it better. As an adult he has a whole litany of coping mechanisms (good and bad yes) and regularly checks in with his therapist and doctors to keep things under control. 

- Has a complicated relationship with his necrofriggian children. Considers himself their mother and worries after them. They too feel a connection to their parent despite this being unusual for their species. A few visit (some more than others) while they grow while others maintain distance. Ben never breathes a word of them to the media for fear of them being targeted. Still he keeps an eye on them and ensures all 14 mature to adulthood (another rarity for the species). Checks in every now and again with the ones who don’t want to see him and those that do. Two join the Plumbers and Ben is both proud and worried. His youngest becomes partners with Rook Ben.

- Just in general loves kids, they’re his favorite fans and while he’ll grumble at pushy adult fans he always smiles and kneels down for the little ones. Not so secretly wanted to have children of his own but knew it was a risk overall and used a lot of that energy with mentoring and teaching. Eventually had Kenny later in life (late 30s-40s) and was over the moon, becoming such a loving and doing parent or as much as he could be with his hectic schedule. 

- Omnitrix can’t come off, never has at any point since it first latched onto Ben’s arm. Azmuth tried and failed to get the device off, doesn’t let Ben know for many years as he feared the consequences. The watch loves and protects Ben even beyond it’s programming making him much more durable to damage and releasing energy charges when he’s threatened. Not even removing Ben’s arm would separate them. They’re stuck for life.

- Ben does have Anodite heritage but the Omnitrix actively suppresses it and uses the built up energy to power the transformations which is why ben is mostly unaffected by what should cause a massive energy drain on him. Theoretically if Ben learned to harness and safely use his Mana at an early age like Gwen he would have been fine but letting it build up without safe outlet meant activation would have killed him. Omnitrix Ben, however, went his whole life not knowing of his latent abilities and how the watch saved his life.

- Ben’s eyes get more green and glowy as time passes from the Omnitrix. At first they think its a trick of the light but by the time he’s an adult his eyes are pretty much glow in the dark. His veins light up too after long stretches of using the Omnitrix. Its vaguely unsettling to people who aren’t used to Ben.

- Max and the Earth Plumbers work so, so hard to keep teen Ben on Earth when half the universe is blowing up their comm lines asking for The Ben 10 to help with whatever problem of the day. Ben himself doesn’t quite understand when he’s younger the prestige and expectations on his shoulders. Max throws up a million and one roadblocks so Ben can live as normal a life as possible while he still can. Still, while doing that he Still overloads Ben with expectations and responsibilities on earth and beyond. He becomes a soldier again with Ben as their greatest weapon. He never forgave himself of losing sight of his grandson underneath the hero esp after Ben’s breakdown. 

- Rook partnership with Ben ends not long after Omniverse with his promotion to Magister. Ben tries to play it cool but the thought of another loved one/teammate leaving his tears him apart. Max revealing that Ben most likely wouldn’t get a new Plumber assigned partner since he’s almost an adult and won’t need it and Rook accidentally missing their last smoothie run due to a scheduling mishap causes Ben to snap and have the nervous breakdown that had been building for almost a decade. He completely loses it for a little while and needs to take an extended leave of absence from school and heroics that lasts about a year. Spends time recovering both on Earth and Galvan Prime, does some diplomatic training, learns about aliens, actually confronts the stress and loneliness of his life. He comes out the other side stronger but still fragile and exhausted.

- Ben’s above mentioned breakdown brings him closer to all his friends who didn’t quite realize the extent of Ben’s burden. Rook had been under the impression Ben didn’t like him all that much so the knowledge that his departure was the final straw for friend/hero’s collapse was shocking. Ben and Azmuth also become closer, the Galvan becoming fiercely protective of the boy seeing as his Earth family didn’t do well to keep him safe. It takes years for him to get over his anger at Max for putting so much on his grandchild. Ben makes more friends, in and out of the hero business, finally gets a therapist and gets some of his burdens eased a bit. It’s not a sure fire fix and Ben has several smaller breakdowns the rest of his life but its something.

- Azmuth was straight up suicidal before he met Ben for the first time. Ben gave him back hope for the universe and his ability to create items for peace not weapons. The boy infuriates him, frightens him, frustrates him but Azmuth cannot deny in his heart of hearts that he loves Ben dearly. He’s very upset at Ben’s breakdown and doesn’t know how to handle the worst of the initail outbursts. Azmuth talks Ben down from a suicide attempt. He reaches out to Ben that he Too felt overwhelmed by pressure, thought himself only good for war. Ben’s arrival in his life saved him and now he will do the same for Ben. It’s the first positive step forward in Ben’s recovery.

- For no other reason than I like it, Azmuth primarily refers to Ben as Benjamin (mostly to annoy the kid but he likes the way it sounds too) and Ben in softer, more serious moments. 

- Professor Paradox continues to flit in and out of Ben’s life. He says its because Ben is the most equipped to handle universal peril (true) but he’s also just very fond of the boy. Ben, existing in so many forms and having such importance also exists a beat outside of normal reality which Paradox identifies with. Ben is naturally attuned to time related problems because of this (instantly IDing Spanner as from the future before being told later deducing him to be his unborn son). Plus Ben named him, way back when. He’s just drawn to Ben.

- Adult Ben, while being seen as an impressively skilled fighter and champion, really has his strength as a universal diplomat of sorts. Based out of Earth, he helps mediate and defuse conflicts, advocate against tyranny and overall preserve peace and balance. He’s not perfect, he makes mistakes and sometimes is forced to become violent (and yes kill) but overall is regarded as a peacekeeper, something younger ben simply couldn’t understand. 

- Gwen gets her degree and primarily does work with advocacy and teaching about magic/alien culture. While she and Ben are still close, there’s a bit of a frustrated divide in that she isn’t helping him share the burden of the universe. Gwen never wanted to be a hero and has enough worth to not shackle herself to a job that’ll burn her out. Ben loves heroing but gives too much of himself away trying to fix everything. They get into screaming arguments that it wouldn’t be so bad out there if she just helped him but she refuses to budge and says he shouldn’t make himself do so much. They always make up and thy still are each other’s closest relationships.

- Ben marries Kai in a political move, Kai is Asexual and Ben Aromantic. They didn’t love each other but they got on well enough and Ben was really feeling the stress of carrying the hero burden so Kai also being involved made him feel like he wasn’t alone. Both were also so tired of the universe constantly asking about their love life and said ‘fuck it we’re married leave us alone’. Gwen was always mad about it feeling Ben deserved better but the two of them were happy with it. They had separate rooms, mostly separate lives but they became strong friends and supports with their strictly platonic marriage. They had Ken via Invitro in an incubator and were loving if extremely busy parents. 

- Also from the moment he appeared, Ben knew that Spanner was his future son, Kenny. He played ignorant and then was kind of deliberately teasing him in future encounters. He knew the rules of time and didn’t want to disrupt things further even if he was angry and worried as heck about why Ken felt the need to time travel. When future Ben catches up in the timeline, Kenny gets SUCH a lecture. 

- Ben isn’t quite immortal but he’s also not entirely human anymore either. The Omnitrix not only keeps him safe from most harm but it lightens the effect of aging. Ben 10 is active many, many years when most humans would have been forced to retire. He’s not sure how long the watch will keep him alive and it terrifies him. Gwen too is functionally immortal however she ages like a normal human, then when her natural death came, shed her skin and became a fulltime Anodite. So in the end, it was her and Ben together wondering which of them will die first. Gwen has trouble retaining her humanity as pure energy and swears she’ll let herself fizzle out when Ben goes. When that’ll be however...

One thing thats really nice about living on campus and in a dorm campus at that, is that I hear people hanging out. It’s one of the new and most fun appeals of the city, hearing people hang out. Hearing them have fun. Its great! People connecting and having fun so easily because of the proximity. Everyday I got to the cafeteria and theres so many people eating together and talking. Esp now that its warm out and people can eat outside. It’s nice, seeing people just being sociable.

Just yesterday an amazing storm came through, beautiful lighting and some rain. And everyone was outside watching the lighting and then having fun, barefoot races and music and yelling at the sky and jumping in puddles.

I love being close to people! Ive never had that chance! It feels nice! I lived in the suburbs back home, which means if people were inside, if home at all. There was little of seeing people, let alone seeing them have fun. If people were hanging out the only way to know was by seeing your friends hang out on instagram or snapchat hours later/the next day.

Which, as social media tends to do, creates a small emotional stab. Because dang, these people are had fun and you didnt. Weren’t invited/weren’t close enough to be invited, etc etc. Fairly typical stabs of emotions at this rate, and easily deflected too, when theyre too far away to hang out for some reason or anything. Deflected and get used to it.

The stab of physically hearing and watching people have fun in person is there too. It’s a little stronger though, because its right there. And I find personally the reason I’m getting emotionally stabbed tonight is not because Im not out hanging out with friends, is that it seems like I cant have that. I dont have friends that just want to hang out on random nights. I dont have friends who want to walk together to the bus or grab food whenever. I do have friends dont get me wrong, we hang out in class or schedule times to play catan. And I love that!! I love them so much!!

But there’s this incredibly lonely feeling that has overcome me that I am not worth the spontaneous hang out. Maybe its unfounded and not that deep. But alas, being in college has been experiencing old feelings and memories drudged up one by one. And now that its all around me its harder to ignore it. And one big one is having friends (if they were friends at all, ive realized i considered people friends sooner than theyd considered me one) that had better friends than me. That I wasnt the one worth hanging out with. I was just the background noise, the friend you talked to cuz there was no one else.

It’s taught me that theres a social hierarchy to your friends and connections. And thats not a necessarily a bad thing! But it does plague me with the question of when/how do I get to deserve being someones priority. Where im worth an impromptu hang out. idk idk.

Ive been learning that im not as introverted as I thought, that I want to hang out with people now that i’ve found my people, but I don’t know how to connect Like That. It’s weird. It feels isolating in a way. Maybe I read too into it and spiral. im not sure.

i live in a universe where if i were to walk down the street i could get murdered willy nilly cos im black but men are out here going around being like “my boyfriend and i met when he was a junior in high school” i don’t believe in jail and i try not to make jail jokes but HOW IS THAT FAIR? JAIL!!! GUILLOTINE!!!! GET THIS MAN A RETIREMENT FUND AND A THERAPIST

that dialogue was fucking embarrassing. he shoulda just said “im 12 yrs older than him” no one needs to know u were 30 dating a 17 year old u insecure freak. retire bitch and get away from her

 i wanted muren so badly to be like “LMAO SRY didnt mean to seem surprised i just like men my own age i guess?” i wouldnt have even apologized if i was surprised. my friend was dating someone ten yrs younger than him and i made fun of him for it and he was like “i know” bc he does know.

just a tip: i don’t like getting hit on by men way older than me, a lot of people don’t. i’ve had men who are 36 interested in me when i was 23, and i reciprocated, but now as i am 29 and older i realize how much it confused me and how i didn’t like it.

age gaps are what they are. ther’es many times i do not like it especially if it is a pattern (this is what happens in tv shows and movies and the opposite of that isn’t gay age gaps or power imbalances or women much older than a younger man ok that’s not progress it’s just peopl ewanting to be like cis men and no one wants that) and esp if the person’s peers are all their ages. people seem to forget that we travel in the same social circles on purpose due to our environments and also our world experiences. the only way to meet an older man is outside of school and yet adults can’t seem to control themselves?

i saw this person who was one of the editors of sexual hegemony (a book on capitalism and homophobic laws and sex basically idk google it it’s interesting) and he was trying to have a foucultian outlook (i hate focault btw doesn’t mean what he says wasnt interesting but it does mean i am not okay with psychosexual philosophers who take advantage of people. the only testament against him having reltaions with younger people is a bunch of young people i nfucking tunisia and there’s an excuse that he wasn’t a fucking pedophile he was those ebebebbeopopopo people and it doesnt matter when ur in fucking tunisia as a white french algerian fucking preying on children) how age of consent laws desexualize younger people. they were passed for  abunch of reasons like any law but here is the thing

we have no business in being in spaces to determine children’s sexual identity and teenagers in their own realm. THEY need to figure it out. our job as adults is to PROTECT THEM full stop. not intrude on their lfe and not give them the tools to decide for themselves. age of consent laws are meant to protect not to facilitate children against some boogeyman of sex. the issue is the way our society views it but young people are sexual AS YOUNG PEOPLE. it has NOTHING to do with adults and it shouldn’t. that’s why it is extra fucking intrusive when you are literally wedged into someone’s life who you have no business being around. it’s only by fucking circumstance. it’s abysmal and not cute. 

what this tells me is that the age gap is salacious. not in the way that i was 23 and a man was 36. in the way that he was 17 and this dude was 29. that’s interesting right? it’s “oooh” and it means we shouldn’t balk at it. saying 12 years would have sufficed, raises some eyebrows, and we can figure out the dynamics after but you just had to put that in BECAUSE YOU FUCKING LIKE IT but the thing is there’s no part of it that was fun. i’m just going to assume you like fucking teenagers bc that’s what it’s telling me lmao

i rarely talk about this couple but to put them in my eyeballs and then have that stupid conversation it was insulting lmao god please get a fucking script supervisor fuck but none of them care about sotry or any of what i fucking laid out. how stupid and careless and just unfun. i don’t like it. also ew at the idea of 2 tops and 2 bottoms talking oh my god i am gonna give myself a heart attack i’m already so fucking anxious i have to see my family lemme chill

im 29 and feel bad having a crush on a 23 year old CELEBRITY ok and i SHOULD feel ashamed and it’s not even a big deal that’s how everyone should approach life tbqh u walk around like ur 100 yrs old to avoid children. oh what’s that this korean cebrity learned english and moved to america to start a family with me and i find him very hot and i like his voice but we’re 6 years apart i’m not sure if i would work (how fun of a drama would that be. pointless and ridiculous. i love it.)

oh there’s a great review on CMBYN and its history and how the isolation and seeclusion was so fuckign capitalist bougie patriarchy and yea idk if anyone is interested. i think it’s ironic the ending for the people in CMBYN irl bc it’s just. so indicative of this shit. i dont like guadignino (idk is that how u spell his name) and think he’s not a great....person or director (i love the look of suspiria tho likke visually and edited. the DP was thai btw! he did an amazing job!!!) but it critiques this film from a perspective of someone who clearly at least cares about artistry, no matter how poorly i think he executes it, and just how hollow it is. the thing about “escapism” is that it relies on the harsh realities of the world to make it opposite, everything has context, nothing is apolitical. to make something that exists in a vacuum is negligent and it doesn’t help you escape it makes you even more tied to this world and its flaws because it doesn’t do anything to mitigate it.

people view it as like “we can put something stupid on screen and people have to accept it in this world” but that isn’t how IT WORKS. you hvae to build up the stakes of the world. but i can’t see introducing some “taboo” (see: stupid) elements and pretending the escapism is seeing this and allowing it. how could it be when the problem is the nature of the rship itself? what world are you taking us to? and why does this world ignore the pressing realities? and i wouldnt say either of these are explicit escapism (i think i hate that word now) becuase um they arent. this fantastical generally rich people escapism isn’t about bending things that don’t work to mold it into our society because WE DO THAT ALREADY it’s about taking those things and twisting them to something we can accept and like or something that has real consequences for people. it’s so funny how marketing and the idea of pc culture and shit and conservative ideology seeps into these. they have  an explicit interest in holding the status quou of taking advantage of people and using their power; age is a huge structure to do so. in this society when we struggle why would its existence not be challenged? because rape, ridiculous rships, abusive rships, torture etc is a power move, conservatives rest on it and people who gain power. what about that is appealing? making it gay? well, no. especially because men DO have power. 

every fucking thing in BL is a reflection of of patriarchy honestly. i can admit that and i’m not okay with it but it’s consumption. there’s a way to make this decent or entertaining without it being so fucking poorly done. and atp i dont even want to call things bl it’s a tv show just bc it’s for a certain audience doesnt mean anything do better idiots

I already wrote this post, but I’m coming backk up to the top to put a cut bc it’s p long.

my brother is singing falsettos out loud & I’ve already had a stressful day bc I’ve done nothing (lack of structure & lack of productivity gives me really bad anxiety) & he’s either singing out of key & out of time, or it just sounds really bad without the music. He’s the only one who can hear the music bc HeadPhones. & also the falsettos is probably really bad for my mom bc she’s mad that dad left her, esp bc the house is a mess & stressing her out & she needs to go grocery shopping & he used to do that “but now he doesn’t because he stopped loving [her]”, so my bro singing fucking falsettos is really bad. I can’t cook supper bc I don’t have a recipe & the stuff is still frozen & idk what kind of dough I should make & besides the kitchen is a mess & he won’t fucking clean it. I mean it’s also partially my fault bc I’m a lazy adhd mofo, but it’s his job today & my job to cook. I need to get into the kitchen & cook before mom & my OTHER brother get home from shopping but I can’t bc he’s just drawing & singing & the singing is so annoying- I was trying to listen to a thing but I couldn’t fricking hear it bc adhd auditory processing disorders, it didn’t have fucking subtitles or anything & it was not great audio quality & I couldn’t differentiate between the words he was singing, & I couldn’t hear the quiet parts when they overlapped with his singing. I wasn’t going to write all of this I was just going to say that his singing makes me want to cut myself, but apparently there’s a lot more to it. also I don’t want to end up cooking while mom is home bc I don’t have any drawings on my arm & mom is fucking nosy & wants to see my scars so I have to work extra hard at hiding them but even with ppl who arent nosy, like my little bro I don’t like them out, but the longer my older bro sits there fucking yelling out of key, the longer I’m delayed & I won’t be able to cook. By this point, I won’t even be able to cook the meal I was planning on, I have so much shit to do I’ve missed so much & I’m so behind, but I’m so incapable of doing anything like i can’t do chores bc I use the excuse I have homework but I never fucking do my homework so I’m also behind in school & even with the stuff I like like dnd & writing & violin I can’t do, & I skipped online kung fu & I’ve been slacking off under so many excuses but I’m just being lazy & anxious & I also gained so much weight & it makes my body feel so bad & i know this isn’t my body’s happy weight & being fat makes my boobs bigger & I’m fucking trans & I hate them I even tried cutting them off myself & ended up waiting 15 hours to go to the hospital so that I wouldn’t make mom suspicious (& they put me through triage really fast bc apparently I did a lot of dammage- I was planning on giving myself stitches, but my icepack melted & I couldn’t numb my body anymore so they’re lucky I even went to the hospital, it was bad bc I had to walk 20 minutes either way weighted down with a fucking toolbox & I waited outside in the cold bc my phone died & thus:) mom found out anyways so I lied to her about going to buy drugs bc obv /that’s/ a better idea than telling her I went to the hospital & SHUT UP UNNAMED OLDER BROTHER ok he’s between songs now. If I told mom I went to the hospital she would ask why & be like “y didn’t u tell me” & “r u cutting urself again” & like yeah bitch I have been for a while ik the social worker said I should tell you a codeword, but I don’t do that bc u blame yourself or cry or want to talk about & I yes I fucking cut myself what of it? Yeah I tried fucking removing my own left breast, bc u arent’ supportive of medical transitioning, at least not when they’re ur kids. Ur mad at dad bc he got a tattoo bc it’s  body modification & thus uncatholic, but u’ll support ur catholic university friends gettin gtheir eldest daughter a reduction bc her boobs are big & painful- bitch what’s so different about me? I went so far as to try giving myself a reduction, you say you’re concerned about me mutilating my body & making bad decisions, but, you know what? because of this I have legitimately mutilated my body, & made a dangerous & bad decision. isn’t autosurgery proof that I need top surgery bc it’s a danger to my life if I don’t get it? The government is able to pay for it I think & bc it’s a danger to my health (& i get pain & I can’t work out & I get back pain & my skin pulls & hurts & if I jump my tissues yank my skin & it hurts & it puts so much strain on my back, & binding gives me pain, so I need a reduction as much as your catholic university friends’ daughter does) I should be abe to qualify. Even if I don’t qualify yet & have to wait two years, at least that would be the start of two years now instead of in a long time, I mean, mum, you say you want me to talk about it & you’re afraid I’m rushing into it? guess what? They are too! the healthcare system will make me do a bunch of shit to qualify, & tbh, I think that they are better qualified to talk to me about surgery & what I really want than you.  Fucking finally, I hope my brother is done his play & finally shuts up. TA MA DE FUCK NO HE’S STARTING AGAIN CROWS DAMN IT CROWS CROWS CROWS & MAGGOTS I”m not even gonna be able to make anythiung for supper & i have no ideas besides the long one which I don’t have time for anymore. fine. whatever. I’ll go SH in my room. I won’t even work on fanfic bc I’m too fucking adhd & broken. I fucking hate it when ppl say “we;re all a bit adhd” like no bitch shut the fuck up, we all struggle with the things adhd ppl struggle with sometimes, but adhd is a neurological condition that makes those struggles so commonplace & intense that it affects our everyday lives. & no. adhd does not mean we’re more creative. Even if we do have more likeliihood of coming up with funky ideas, most of us struggle to articulate them or understand them, or we forget them as soon as they come. you’re not adhd bc you’re a little more creative, youre just an ableist asshole & fuck you. adhd isn’t creativity its’ a fucking disability. I’m directing this at those fucking parents who have the lovely nd daughter who gave me a hug, but you two are motherfuckers. Yeah I get thaat adhd, once you learn how to mannage it, can be useful, & I understand that part of the reason this disability is so hard is bc society isn’t designed for it (like a lefty using right hand scissors), but ot’s still fuxking REAL & if you can’t deal with it yet, it 100% is a disanbility. OK? Ok. I had smth I was going to say earlier, but I got distracted by smth else that made me mad, so I never got around to it. Youo know what I love? I fucking love how tumblr has next to no character limit so I can just type as much as I want. You know what I don’t like? I’ll probably get deactivated by some SJW maggot-eaten crow-fucker who thinks that my rant& mentioning my failed ed & my self harm (oh fuck shut up, my brother is chanting “dumb”) so anyways some fucking sjw fuck-hole will report this post & my blog & I’ll be deactivated for simply getting angry on tumblr. It’s fucking tumblr! You used to be able to say whatever you needed to say! But now, esp us ppl w EDs, have no safe place to talk about our issues (at least, not w/o fear of gettin gterminated for “encouraging” EDs, when we’re just trying to help ourselves). Anywasy, sorry for all the swears & go se, I swear when I’m mad. I’m gonna go do smth, idk what. Can’t be anything productive, Can’t even be unproductive stuff I like, like watching youtubem, or smth cathartic like playing fiddle. I might just go & bleed a bit & ignore everything for a while. I nkow that the world will still be stressful when I get back, & I’ll still have to cook, & I’ll still be behind in school, & mom will still be broken-hearted over dad, but I’m feeling calmer just thinking about it so that’s what I’ll do. 

Hey Cat!! I hope you're doing well as always ! 💖 AHHHH huhu I closed the form last Sunday since I've collected enough responses dy! (NOOOOOOOO ToT) I got a total of 221 responses at the end of the week, which is 3x the amount I initially needed! :o I'm beyond grateful and appreciative ToT I've cleaned the data and have proceeded to run some data analysis, but I ran into an issue whereby the scores on the subscales are equal (it has never been reported in past studies! :O) so I'm waiting for my supervisor's feedback on how to proceed. Hopefully it's nothing too serious ToT

Hehe finance is interesting indeed! I just started reading a book on finance for young adults (Rich Dad Poor Dad) and I look forward to learning more from the author's tips! The Coursera introductory course has also made financial terms a lil more familiar, even though it's just the basics and it's really helped w my financial literacy 🥺 I can push myself to study but it's also the numbers and calculations I'm worried of cuz I am rly a nong (idiot) when it comes to numbers * - * it runs in the genes I guess AHAHAHAHA my mom and sister aren't good at numbers either keke

Aww I'm glad yr professor made financial accounting enjoyable and a fruitful experience for you! Some lecturers / professors rly just have that spark in them to inspire ppl and I'm blessed to be surrounded by a bunch of em in the psych department!🥺😭 it truly makes a difference and I'm sure we both are living proofs of that!

After debating for a while, I've decided not to take a minor mainly because I'm so tired HAHAHAHAHAHA and I'll just do my own self-studying and exploration whilst working! Go out and explore the world, live life! Whilst ironically still staying in my room because of the COVID-19 situation in our country (cases are abt 20+k every day :') ) My proposal has been finalized and it's been accepted! It's just that some elements of my proposal is also part of my actual report, so I have some guidance to refer to in terms of structure! :3 and yes don't worry! I got plenty (sometimes a lil too much) rest during the sem break whilst remaining productive! Plus, I got to catch up w some friends and had game nights (maybe too much of game nights hehe) and movie nights w my friends which was truly refreshing! Also cuz I might not see a lot of them again after we graduate so we gotta cherish every moment 🥺😭

I'm a freelance graphic designer for my uni's newsletter! Occasionally, they'd ask us to create both the content and design! I'll place the link to my recent work below if you wanna check it out! UwU I'm trying to incorporate the same practices during sem break in my last sem (current sem) too! cuz yes mental health is so so important and I'm just tired of being academically tired you get me? :(

What makes me most trilled abt learning abt psychology is how to apply it in daily life too! I find it so fascinating and awestruck at how relatable and within reach these things are like wow we can be influenced in such ways?? :o can be both good and bad but imma stick w seeing it as the development and evolution of us humans UwU

Also, the vaccine has fixed my sleep schedule HEHE (another perk of getting vaccination :3) I got some rly good rest and managed to reset my usual sleeping time, thank you science ToT oooo I see I see, we've had cases of nurses injecting empty syringes hence the recording :( but GHIOGHWEOGIOHW I could never do that, I can feel the liquid entering me as it is so that's good enough ToT (* plays Love Talk * I can feel it coming)

OMG YOUR ART PIECES ARE SO BEAUTIFUL, ADORABLE AND ELEGANT! 💖🥺🥰 it must've required a lot of hard-work and effort AHHH thankiew for showing me yr work!! it's truly unique in its own manner despite it's simplicity UwU is there a reason or backstory to yr chosen theme and objects? :3

I just Googled Somi Somi and omg that's such an UwU ice cream AHHHH 💖🥺😭 ice cream is my fav food of all time and it looks like an ice cream haven omg imagine eating it after a loooong hard day's of work ToT and OMG THE SATISFACTION OF EATING THAI MILK TEA ICE CREAM ON A HOT DAY YASSS 😋🤤 hehe if you get the chance to try milk & biscoff, do try it! It's amazing !😍 and ooo i haven't tried alcoholic ice cream before but I will one day!! :3 my alcohol tolerance is rly low though, will I get tipsy over alcoholic ice cream? We shall see UwU (i can only drink half a bottle of apple cider before my face gets red and I start getting a lil tipsy + headache)

and lovie....knowing yr school schedule now...OURS IS DEFINTELY BRUTAL OMG a 3 month long sem break huhu that's only the total amount of sem breaks we get in a year ToT i thought uni was hard but not that hard ToT

Always glad and honored to have you onboard! and AHAHAHAH the contractions about to start soon 👀 I enjoy talking to you huhu you're such a sweet and supportive person 💖🥺🥰😙 huhu for my period cramps, I've been having them since I was 12 ToT my doctor prescribed me some panadols but sometimes I can't even swallow them cuz I'd puke them out ToT I've settled w heatpacks to reduce my reliance on medicine, but I finally got some upgraded and safe to eat medicine from my gynae! She said it's fine to take it every month to keep my womb healthy and apparently my ms. lil uterus is suffering from inflammation, hence the super crazy bedridden cramps :( the upgraded medicine worked for a while, but after time it kinda didn't help either :/ but I realised that exercise rly does wonders to reduce the cramp too (gynae also recommended exercising) so i take walks and do my back stretches more frequently now! my period in the previous months (2 months ago) have been almost painless and bearable, it's so weird not seeing my bedridden ._. when I was in high school, there would always be a day in every month in which I don't attend classes, and that's solely because of my cramps. It just isn't worth suffering in school, plus we don't have a sick room :/ I hope the pain continues to subside! ToT

And ayy internship is also working experience, yr advice would be of great help to me regardless! 🥺 oh yes, I always remind myself that interviews are similar to the speaking test I took for my Cambridge English exams! That kinda help calm my nerves down a lil, but w nerves comes bigger smiles, so I guess it takes on a rather practical form of coping mechanism (sublimation) AHAHAHAHA

WAAAA WHAT A QUEEN you got an offer from every interview?? I aspire to be like you! 💖🥺🥰 huhu skill wise I believe I have lots to prepare esp in terms of case studies, and I perform rly poorly on certain assessments (*ehem * esp those concerning numbers) so I took the chance to study a lil during sem break too ToT but noted on that! I will work on that too and try to maintain that me element in interviews and overall just be myself keke

That's all from me for now! Imma wait for my supervisor's feedback and journey on w my last semester. Bon voyage! Link to my recent work: https://www.instagram.com/p/CTBqGzjr6sN/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link Other works: https://www.instagram.com/p/CPpv-IyM7Gi/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link https://www.instagram.com/p/CL55EG-MbL2/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

hi hello honey bee !!! 💓 omg i'm so sorry for the belated response, i finally got on my laptop 😭 i'm gonna put my response under the cut since it got a little long 🤧

omg 221 responses !!!!! that's so many 🙀 congratulations aaaaa it's amazing that you were able to get 3x the data you needed !!! was it difficult to run data analysis? were you able to solve the issue with the equal scores on the subscales? i hope it didn't create too much additional work for you ):

omg yes finance is really interesting! i enjoyed the classes i took for it :') how is rich dad poor dad? did you learn a lot from it? i know it was a book my prof recommended, but i never got around to reading it 😶 did you learn any helpful tips? and ooo i'll have to look into coursera! yeah, there's quite a lot of terms for finance, and it can be a little intimidating paired with all the math formulas and such, but it's pretty useful imo! how are your financial studies going so far? 💕 omg nong is such a cute word?? i would never think it meant idiot asdkfhlkajsdf omg my whole family is good at numbers and really like math, but i didn't like it 😭 my mom made me study it a lot everyday though rip are the financial calculations getting easier for you as you practice more hopefully?

yessss omg i absolutely agree with this!!!! like you can just feel when a professor loves to teach and is genuinely so excited to talk about their subject, and it just makes the most boring horrible subject into something you learn to enjoy and hate less :') and i'm really happy to hear you have tons of professors like that in the psych department 🥺💗

that's great to hear!!!! 🌷🌷 i'm glad that you're prioritizing yourself and your health, which is so much more important than taking on a minor. what fun subjects have you decided to explore and self study so far? 💞 oh my gosh, the rising cases are so high?? i hope it's gotten better there for you ): are you able to go outside yet?

big congratulations on your proposal being finalized and accepted, lovebug !!!! 🥳🥳 i'm very proud of you and hoping one day i can read your published studies in a scientific journal :') aaaa i'm so glad to hear that you got to rest and enjoy your time with your friends!! i definitely feel that omg i regret all the times i skipped out on movie nights or game nights with my friends because now we're all scattered across the country and the only way we can have them again is over zoom calls 🤧

I SAW YOUR DESIGNS AND THEY'RE GORGEOUS OMG I LOVE THEM SO MUCH !!!! 💖 I'M IN AWE AAAA IF PSYCH DOESN'T WORK OUT, I HOPE YOU BECOME A GRAPHIC DESIGNER 🤩🤩💖 and yes i totally get it ): i really felt the academic burn out when i was in college and it was really difficult at times 🤧 but i hope it's going better for you nowadays, sweetpea 💝💝

omg yeah i absolutely agree !!!! whenever i read about psychology, i keep it in the back of my mind and then when i see something irl that relates to it, i'm like :O amazing. it's so cool to learn about different psych tricks too and see how it works when you test them out yourself and whatnot. and it's really crazy to see how the human brain is so easily influenced at times ??? it truly is an amazing subject !!!

ah what a great side benefit of the vaccine - a better sleep schedule 🤩 i'm happy to hear that your schedule has been fixed 💘 and omg what ??? they're injecting empty syringes wth ????? 😭 that's absolutely horrible, are they getting sued?? lmaooooo that love talk reference askdfhlaksjd

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL YOUR KIND COMPLIMENTS 😭😭💗💗 there were many late hours spent in the art studio to finish them, but i'm really happy with the end products :') i thought light bulbs are an interesting subject to do, and my prof said that cutting out circular objects or sculpting them is the most difficult since they're made up curves and not straight lines and i was like ok bet i'm gonna do it aND I'M SO GLAD I DID BECAUSE I REALLY LIKE THEM 🥺 and i love honey bees !!! that's why i decided to paint them and we were supposed to paint them in a combined style of two artists so i tried monet's impressionist style with the short brush strokes and pop art triptych style like marjorie strider 💕

somi somi is sooo good and i just had it again a couple weeks ago :') omg ice cream is your favorite food? :o and YES ice cream is so satisfying after a long day of hard work, like it's such a nice reward to look forward to at the end of day ✨ aaaaa i have to try thai milk tea ice cream one day now !!!!! it sounds amazing 🤩 and YES i must look for places that sell milk & biscoff ice cream !! i have milk ice cream from somi somi, but i need to try to combined flavors 💘 i don't think you'll get tipsy over it !!! it's a really faint taste of alcohol, like i didn't even notice it at first, and i don't think they put very much of it in there! aksljdfhals omg you're a lightweight :o at least that means you save money on alcohol LOL i need like nine shots to get drunk 🤧

your school is too hard 😭 you need more than just 3 months of break !!! 😡 we get a week off for thanksgiving in fall semester and a week off for spring break in spring semester too and then the month long winter break and three month summer break. and we have the one day holidays off too like labor day, memorial day, etc. i can't believe they give you so little time off after working so hard???

asdfhlkajshdlksja loool are the contractions over yet? has it been born? what's the current status, doctor? 👀 i really enjoy talking to you too !!! i'm very sorry for the late responses, work is really taking over all of my time, and i never have enough time to get on my laptop to reply to my asks 😭 and thank you for saying such kind things about me 🥺🥺💝 oh my gosh, i'm so sorry to hear that you have such terrible cramps 😭 i can't even imagine going through that - mine are nowhere near as horrible 😖 do the heatpads help a lot? i'm relieved to hear that you were prescribed better medication though! but yeah, your body does eventually get used to the medication and you have to continue taking stronger meds for it to work, but that's not a very healthy solution /: but i'm really glad to hear that exercise has been helping out a lot!! 💖 hurray for almost painless and bearable periods 🥳 i'm sorry to hear that you had to go through that in high school ): that sounds absolutely horrible 😭 periods are just awful, but it's like i'm grateful that i have my period because that means i'm not pregnant, but also please go away aslkhdfaklsj

omg what was the speaking test for the cambridge english exams like? :o it sounds so formal and a lil intimidating askdjfhalsd do you know of any psych tricks that can possibly help calm your nerves? :')

aaaa yes i did !! i was really surprised that i got an offer from them all because at the time, i was not in the right major and i think i was one of the most underqualified applicants 🤧 one person who interviewed me asked why i withdrew from my engr physics class and i explained it in a kinda funny way but in my head, i was like "oof i'm not gonna get this offer anymore" but then he laughed at my response and told me about how his prof told him he should drop a guitar class he was taking because he was doing very poorly and we bonded over that aklsjdhfkals omg how do interviews for psych jobs go? do you have to discuss a lot of case studies? do they give you a list of possible case studies they'll ask about? :o what sort of assessments do you have to do? good luck on all of your interviews, honey bee 💛 i'm rooting for you, you're gonna do amazing !!!! 💘

omg what did your supervisor say about your case study? and how is your last semester going? are you almost done now? 🌸 (also how have you been? what have you been up to? thank you for taking the time to leave such detailed messages for me, i'm really excited to see all the fun updates in your life, lovebug 🌷🌷)

Looks like you’re gonna have to gush some more cuz I meant in general uwu🌸

🌺😌🤟 Always happy to! Okay here’s just some General bnha Thoughts ™ Mostly Lov centric. You asked for them, and you said GUSH about them, so here’s. A Lot! :)

This isn’t a lov one but it’s really funny so I thought I’d put it out there:

-when bnha was first gaining traction on tumblr, it was all art of Tsuyu. I have no idea why. People were talking about the funky frog lesbian superhero anime. Maybe it was just the people I was following, maybe it was a general trend, but I LOVED her design!!! my fav color and frogs r super cute!!! And I already loved superhero media, so I was like. I’ll watch it. For Her. SO. FROPPY IS THE REASON I WATCHED/READ BNHA. I went in thinking she was the protag and I was sooo confused when Izuku was... tbh I still think it’d be more interesting if she was lmaooo aus where? ...seriously if anyone has good aus where this is the case send them LOL

-I don’t actually feel that bad abt what Shigaraki’s doing. I still feel bad for him. I’m this post. yes im an apologist. its not my fault hes sexy and has been running around shirtless. hes a lesbian icon like thor is. I want to touch his hair. hes never done anything wrong in his life. he could kill all might, deku, bakugo, whatever, I’d still be sayin this. I don’t feel bad for gt. like. was anyone genuinely attached to him? lmao

-well u know how spinner’s quirk is just sticking to things? We haven’t seen him use it in canon except like, (1) time iirc?? I think this is probably bc he’s embarrassed about it even in front of the league... I loooove the idea that he gets more comfortable with it around them :”) and also how shigaraki. um. does that falling asleep thing while standing up with his eyes open, canonly? (which I still love lmfao) Imagine someone in the league walking in a dark room, turning on the light n just seeing. Spinner upside down, stuck to the ceiling asleep bc heat rises and its Warmer Up There. (cold blooded thing like tsuyu?? come ON give him a big fuzzy coat and scarf...) and Shigaraki in the center of the room, slouched but still standing, eyes open and motionless. Theyre both sleeping. Whomever sees it just...slowly walks out. LMAO

-Toga roller derby au. No deep thoughts I just think she’d be good at it. 

-Toga 100% is a social butterfly and could befriend anyone if they didn’t just judge the fact she was trying to stab them smh :/ (ok but seriously anytime I see cute friendships with her n the other kids im like :) aw. I feel like her and Camie...would be good friends. Camie feels chill enough to be like ‘ok whatever thats totally fine I forgive you!!’ LMAO we love airheads here)

-HOW DID TOGA GET SO GOOD AT FIGHTING? We know she’s been on the run since middle school or so, but good enough to pin Deku down after he’s been formally trained at a ~hero school~ for a while? (she pinned him TWICE I think, once when his arms were messed up, but, the other time as Camie, so? AND THEN WAS ONE OF THE 100 PEOPLE TO GO THRU TO THE 2ND ROUND OF THAT? even tho she didn’t bc she had to leave) good enough to beat Aizawa in a fight and stab him? A professional hero and teacher for YEARS? Is that seriously just street training??? Can people acknowledge how amazing her combat skills and reflexes are??? More Toga appreciation when?? Also her backstory??? SO subversive and incredible, hate when people reduce her to just a ~typical anime yandere~ :/

-Tomura doing stuff with his hands/fingers to train his quirk!!! And to learn to be careful with it!! obv I’m a Big Fan of him playing piano to do this and video games are prob the canon answer, but like, guitar or any stringed instrument that requires Hands would work too. Or knitting/sewing? EMBROIDERING? ??? Please, let me give you the mental image of him knitting aggressively while mentally scheming, watching a twitch streamer or smth too while doing it. (Doing stuff with your hands is a great way to let your mind come up with creative stuff, that’s how I come up with writing/drawing ideas 70% of the time)

-Tomura actually PREFERS cutesty, relaxing games. I mean, he does fighting and bloody stuff irl, games are a way to relax...he’ll play shooters and gta type games with The Lads, but. on his own?? animal crossing. pokemon. kirby games. mario. zelda. BIG ZELDA FAN (not saying this bc I, personally, am biased, but,) slime rancher, stardew valley, funny simulator games... he really enjoys those :”) God forbid he has a kid bc they’re 100% getting named after a viddy game character unless someone can talk him out of it LOL. Toga and Tomura are that animal crossing /doom meme where she’d be asking for doom and him asking for animal crossing :”)

-Bits and pieces of Before are kinda stuck in Kurogiri’s brain, but like. mostly useless stuff the doctor didn’t care about removing. Like, types of clouds. So Tomura kinda picks up on stuff like that. He can just look at clouds and tell you what type they are because Kurogiri used to take him up to high places in the city and point them out to calm Tomura down from a panic attack when he was younger. He can tell you if the sky looks like it’ll rain with a 80% accuracy rate too. 

-Kurogiri left food out for kitties in the alley beside the bar. They weren’t allowed in for Health Reasons (it IS a bar with sanitation standards!!) And Tomura really wouldn’t stop it or encourage it either way so long as Kurogiri did his job, but occasionally would stand outside with Kurogiri and just watch the kitties from a distance. If any approached he’d go back in (lowkey afraid he’d hurt them by touching them :( ) They kinda kept that between them tho, bc they both Know AFO is a big bag of dicks and no fun

-people have pointed out how similar aizawa and tomura look. this was 100% the intention. tomura has a hatecrush on him. THIS IS SO FUNNY AND HORRIBLY AWKWARD FOR KUROGIRI LMAO

-Sako??? Mr. Dramatic?? Opera fan. Drama kid. Like, obviously, but. Really. He is. I feel like he can speak a dozen languages. I also feel like he used to be an overachiever but got too ambitious. He was def some kind of leader at one point of a diff Group or something that fell apart. I LOVE how creative he is with his quirk and the magician theme??? incredible. I don’t show him enough love but I Love Clowns :o)

-I don’t care what their canon heights are. Spinner and Dabi? short kings. My height hcs are (tallest to shortest) Kurogiri, Twice, Sako (who also has heels on his boots and a tall hat, keep in mind), Tomura, Magne (Tomura and Magne are about the same height imo) Toga, Spinner, Dabi. LISTEN. Dabi has short energy. Sorry. it’s true tho

-This is a semi-popular hc I think bc I KNOW I’ve seen it before, but Dabi having Terrible Vision and needing glasses is so so good. (seriously, with burns THAT close to his eyeballs, how could he not?) 

-he tries to be a tough loner coolguy. you’d think he’d smoke, but I hc his ‘weak constitution’ comes with weak lungs (esp from years of a flame quirk?? inhaling smoke over so much time is SO bad for you, most people who die in fires actually die of smoke inhalation...) so he’s got like, an inhaler, can’t smoke, actually gets carsick, needs glasses, overuses quirk to save friends constantly, likes napping, a little awkward and rude. Tomura put him in charge of the vanguard so he’s smart, and good with strategies too, like a nerd. this is the Dabi I wanna see, not the popular fandom version of him tbh also step on hawks one more time sir :”)

-I wish all the lov fics weren’t?? villain!deku like I said earlier, but also, chatfics? I have nothing against them but most of them are just a bombardment of Memes with NO PLOT!!! Listen. text/chatfics CAN have plot and be an interesting way to tell a story. I almost want to write one just to show what I mean...

I know I’ve said I like spinaraki and blackmagic, but I am a multishipper, so a few ships I don’t talk about that I like that involve the lov in some way:

-toga/any of the 1A girls??? or Camie??? super interesting. ALSO in the radio drama, bakugo’s voice actor said Toga was his favorite girl??? so?? bakugo/toga ?? I WANT TO SEE IT. but specifically my fav dynamic with her is when someone ELSE is the one to like her first, it’s what she deserves.

-Kurogiri/aizawa/mic?? any variety of that is also 👌🏻 I also kinda wanna see kurogiri/all might bc. Dads. COME ON. they bond over ‘well, I raised him, and you want to have a part in his life now?? ok. earn it. prove it. I’ll screen you first’ or something LMAO they’re both genuinely concerned for the boy, and SOOO biased. let them bond.

-WAIT WHERE IS THE MIC/COMPRESS CONTENT. THEYRE BOTH DRAMATIC. ENEMIES TO LOVERS?? HELLO??? SOMEONE?? ANYONE. rarepair hours

-giran/twice is cute. like he was hyping him up so much and so ready to go save him...

-dabi/magne where is the content. when. why not everywhere??? I’ve also seen magne/compress which was cute!! or twice/magne? they’re the big sibs of the lov...

-dabi/spinner?? come ON dabi could get over his learned biases and spend time with him and they could hold hands. I want them to.

-dabihawks. Obviously bc the Drama. yes even still, don’t @ me. (also, shigahawks, seen some REAL interesting fics with it tbh) or spinahawks?? adding hawks to a ship is like adding extra chili powder. makes it SPICY dramatic)

-nine/tomura don’t @ me once again. both kinda afo’s playthings, nine obviously was the test for tomura’s new upgrades...they both love their friends...That Scene in the Flower field </3 hmmm tragicships are fun.

-tomura/mirko. more enemies to lovers. big fan of her and bunnies. remember when he wore bunny ears in bnha smash. (ok its crack but. CUTE.) 

-I’ve also seen shiganatsu and shigafuyu and I’m like. these are cute, but also Dabi’s reaction always makes me cry laugh. so good.

-MOST EVERYONE IN THE LOV IS LGBTQA+!!! heres my personal headcanons:

Toga: pan or bi (CANON BASICALLY)

Magne: transwoman (CANON BABEY) bi, leans towards men. (her crush on dabi in bnha smash... uwu content where)

Shuichi: gets sooooo flustered canonly, I think he’d go for the first person Who Hit On Him (I can see him being the target of those mean pranks where someone says ‘my friend likes you!!’ and the friend is like ‘eww!!’ :(((( ) he’s super hesitant for romance, lots of repressed stuff. gay but takes sooo long to realize it bc he thinks most women are conventionally pretty Aesthethically, feels obligated to Like Them, but has bad self esteem so never goes after them, then only likes (1) guy so hes like?? is this allowed?? is this allowed???? (HES LIKE. IN LOVE WITH SHIGARAKI)

Dabi: bi but rly hasn’t ever gotten to date anyone, so he’s actually more reserved about it and while he’ll tease, he absolutely is absent and kinda oblivious (again, I KNOWWWW bnha smash isnt canon, but. my god. when magne is hitting on him and he Just Doesnt Understand.) also hes ace

Tomura: doesn’t care. (just prob says ‘its whatever’) trans/nonbinary (i’M NOT PROJECTING, BUT. :’/) probably goes with like, the label queer if any but doesn’t care much for labels

Kurogiri: bi??? kind of??? I say kind of bc well, I hc U Know Whom as bi, I feel like thatd carry over but he’d be really avoidant to date anyone bc hes gotta Watch His Kid u know? this is gonna sound surprising but I think he’d be the type to be like ‘ok we can have a one night stand/fling BUT it cant get personal bc I have a Job to Do for my Son so don’t get up in your feelings’ and act a little coldly at first or very ..not personable... depending on who it was he’d prob turn around eventually, esp if that person valued his feelings/job :”)

Sako: that mans Not Straight. I hc him as gay and also trans :3c

Twice: Bi and HAS dated prob more than anyone else in the league imo, super comfortable with his sexuality and supportive of everyone else’s :)

ok that’s about all I can think of atm, come back in 5 minutes and my brain will refill with lov headcanons :3 thank you for asking!!

spontaneity can be fun! and it's so sweet that you're starting traditions with your gf ❤️💚 this is probably warranting another Read More (which i love by the way and you shouldn't feel ashamed of) but i know how much lela from teen beach movie means to you and i wanted to hear why? 😊 - 🎅🎁🎄

hi again friend! sorry for responding so late but youre right this will be another read more! thanks for asking such good questions!

i think at the heart of it, lela is my favorite for the same reasons that i like a lot of my favorite characters: honesty, genuineness, and resilience. having the bravery to love openly, to explore, and to believe in yourself enough to keep going, even when other people may not support you. 

lela is unwaveringly kind, caring, and loving. in the first movie, we watch her dance around blissfully, spread compliments and positivity like confetti, and welcome mack and brady into her world like long lost friends. she is unafraid to show care and compassion, and she loves like its the most natural thing in the world for her to do. we watch her confront a fear and begin to learn how to prioritize herself, but shes a little hesitant. she is ready to grow, but she needs a little help. in the second movie we get to see her take agency over her own life and her own narrative, putting herself and her interests first, without sacrificing the loving aspect of her character. she continues to support and uplift others as shes learning to uplift herself. she wears her enthusiasm proudly, and she grabs every opportunity she can.

the thing that sets lela apart from every other character for me is the way that she truly exemplifies confidence. to me, confidence is the most important thing in the world, the most crucial trait for a person to have, and lela came to me at a particularly impactful and influential time in my relationship with myself.

i was 16 when teen beach 2 came out. i hadnt really cared much about the first teen beach movie; i liked it, but i wasnt obsessed. when the second movie came out, i was right in the middle of a very transformative 2 years of my life, where i had decided that i was going to learn to love myself at all costs. i made conscious efforts to step outside of my comfort zone, i read a ton of self-help articles, i wrote myself affirmations, and i just generally reworked my entire brain to become a more confident person. i started to lean more into media, music, and friendships that made me feel good, and to unapologetically enjoy things. i was also learning a lot of new things about feminism and about society as a whole. and for the person i was at the time (and the person i wanted to become), lela came at the exact right moment.

i understand that some people may see lela as an embodiment of surface-level, hashtag girl power disney channel feminism (esp with the “girls can do anything boys can do” line in the first movie). i know that she may seem cheesy and maybe unrealistic to some people. i get that. but as a role model for some of the important changes i was trying to put into place in my own life at the time, she was absolutely perfect.

society teaches women specifically not to like themselves. to never be “too much.” to never be too smart, too loud, or too into themselves. thats misogyny 101. we learn to conflate confidence with arrogance, and to worry that if we’re nice to ourselves, if we think well about ourselves, then it MUST be arrogance at that point, which is a bad trait to have. we learn that if we express ourselves, embrace our ideas, and push to be heard, that thats selfishness, and we’re taking from other people when we take up space. this is simply untrue; a confident person coexists on an equal plane with others, giving themselves the same time, attention, and care that they would give to other people. i was working to internalize this idea at 16 when lela became the perfect example. in growing her confidence and her power in tb2, she never gives up the person she was in tbm. she doesnt negate all of her wonderful qualities, like passion and care and genuineness, when she chooses to have new experiences. 

yes, she walked out of her movie and left the wet side story characters behind, but it wasnt for nothing. she left an environment that wasnt fulfilling for her anymore in pursuit of a fuller life. she still had lots of love to give, and she set out to find mack and transfer her love and energy into their relationship. (shes gay your honor!!! but the point is) she chose to live authentically and knew that she deserved to become her best self, and when she returned to the movie, she brought back the lessons that she had learned in the real world.

in the real world, she got to do calculus and chemistry, make new friends, wear new clothes, invent, create, and excel. she gained admiration for her skills and the content of her character, rather than for the role she played in other peoples lives. she can rebuild a motorcycle AND lead a musical number, and she learned those things could coexist. her femininity could be part of her strength, rather than being seen as a weak point or something that precludes her from going on the bigger adventures. i cannot stress how important it is to see her embrace all of these pieces of herself, unapologetically, in a positive light, and without losing the people close to her!!!

lela is a fictional character, but she has always been my role model for living an honest, passionate life full of love both for myself and for others. lela queen of the beach was a result of the positive impact she had on her world when she used her newfound power, skills, and self-assuredness to enact change. wet side story transformed from being an antiquated narrative that young people had never heard of and didnt enjoy, to being a movie (lela queen of the beach) that mobs of teenagers bought tickets to watch on the beach, passionately dancing along, unified, to the opening number. it became the movie that inspired girls like mack to surf, and girls like alyssa to talk to their crushes. it was subversive and progressive for its time period, making it a classic that remained prominent for 60 years. and all of that power and influence came from one young woman, who was inspired by another young woman. role modeling is a multilayered theme in the teen beach movies, and personally, lela provides motivation for me to give my all, unapologetically, in situations where i can exert a positive impact.

lela symbolizes beating your fears and doubts, stepping out of your comfort zone, creating your own power, and becoming independent, all while staying true to yourself and honest with others. for all those reasons, she will always be a source of warmth and comfort for me.

the 2b2t survival guide

are you planning to play on 2b2t? have you been playing but can’t seem to get out of spawn? or have you been waiting 12 hours in queue to no avail?

in that case, have i got some stuff for you! heres a handy guide about how to actually play, and some tips to help along the way!

step one: preparing

you can just hop right in and go, but it is smart to know a bit beforehand.

know what you're getting into. the server has no rules to it, so you just have to expect a fuckton of disgusting shit, slurs, etc. just kinda accept that, and ignore it.

get a hacked client. sure, you can play on vanilla, but doing that will make your life harder. the best client to use is impact, but if you really need to you can download wurst instead.

make a plan. although this is optional, its smart to do. you can just wing it if you wanna, but it’s helpful to have a goal for what you wanna do in the server.

step two: queue

queue is basically inevitable, but there are a few things you can do to make the wait less painful!

decide if you want priority. priority queue is a godsend, it takes 30 min at MOST to join the server! but on the other hand, its 20 dollars per month. if you’re planning on playing for a long time and dedicating lots of time to playing? get priority. if you just wanna check the server out? don’t worry about buying it.

join when nobody else would. the best times i’ve found are near 1-3am, or on a weekday in early mornings. you’ll still have to wait hours, but not as long as you would otherwise.

pray for a server restart. when it restarts, turn on auto-reconnect (if you have that) or just keep on trying to connect. you’ll get onto the server extremely quick if you’re able to join right after a restart.

do something else. multitasking is the best way to wait. leave queue running in the background and check on it whenever you can, but fill your time with other stuff. i usually draw or watch videos when waiting!

step three: common sense

you gotta use normal common sense, but also server-unique common sense.

remember: there are no rules. people are going to kill you. people are going to grief you. people are going to say gross shit. the worst kinds of people are here on the server, you have to accept that.

what you build is gonna go. no matter how nice it looks, how far out it is, how tiny it is, whatever. its how 2b2t works. when you build, you have to remember that its going to get destroyed one day.

you aren’t safe. no matter how far away you are, or how nice that one person is. don’t get lulled into feeling secure, stay on edge. better safe than sorry.

enderchests are your friend. you’re definitely gonna die, several times, so keep any important things in your enderchest. for more space, put everything into shulker boxes and store the boxes in your enderchest. this is why silk touch pickaxes are something you’ll need: because your enderchest is the only safe place for your items.

signs are the best communication. carry a sign with you, and read all the signs you find. its not important, but its fun to read what people write, and its nice to make your own mark on the world with just a simple sign.

don’t trust anyone. or at least, be cautious of everyone. if you run into someone, expect deaths, and be cautious even if they give you stuff.

you aren’t special. oh, so you watched a bunch of fit videos and know everything about the server? no you don’t, shut up. you’re gonna spam things in chat and grief a bunch of builds to become a notable player? you’re gonna become a minor annoyance, shut up. you read this guide and now know how to become the best 2b2t player ever? my guide is shit, shut up.

everyone hates new players. don’t openly say you’re new. just stick to yourself for the first while of joining.

step four: chat

so you’ve joined, and you connect to see.. the constant spam of chat.

hide the chat. go into settings, and turn chat off. usually chat isn’t worth looking at, except for warning about server restarts. if you wanna keep chat on, just turn down the opacity.

use /ignore. theres bots constantly flooding the chat, so if you wanna keep chat on, spend time quickly ignoring all the bots.

don’t ask for help. you do not wanna let everybody know you’re new, and if you don’t get ignored, people will send gross shit or fake help instead.

if you have a question, ask google. like the point above, asking for help isn’t a good option. search stuff up on google or the 2b2t subreddit before asking chat. and try not to ask obvious questions either.

don’t get into arguments. don’t rile people up or argue, its kinda risky, and again some bad shit will get sent your way. its really not worth it. if you get angry at some gross shit people are saying, just /ignore them, because fighting them will make you just a laughing stock.

step five: escaping spawn

i know what you’re thinking, “tumblr user barrendome! stop rambling and just tell me how to actually PLAY now!”, and yeah yeah, okay, i will.

turn your hacks on. what i’d suggest is turning on storage esp, player esp/tracers, search (search for blocks like melons, crops, wood, etc), and things like that. also keep xray and freecam ready, and make sure you set keybinds for those.

collect, store, die, repeat. i never did this, but my boyfriend did, and it worked incredibly well. he would collect as many resources as he could, store them in an enderchest whenever he saw one, and then either die of hunger or something else. he’d repeat this process until he had enough stuff in his enderchest to get him out of spawn.

save your hunger bar. try not to run, and try not to jump. its hard, but its important. most deaths are from hunger in the first while of playing, so just try not to get hungry. for this exact reason, the main thing you’re looking for is food.

don’t go into the nether right away. spawn nether is impossible to get out of, so travel on the overworld for about 2000 blocks, and then its safe(ish) to go into the nether.

20000 blocks is the safer zone, but its still spawn territory. outside of 50000 blocks is when id consider making a base if you really need to, but try to go much farther if you can. 

step six: just outside of spawn

so you’re out of the major spawn area... now what?

find food, farm food. get as much food as you can, thats the most important thing to do at this moment. make sure you have as much food as you could need, and store some in your enderchest.

make a temporary base. you can make a small house, a hole, or even just a dirt hut. just make sure you have a place to store all your extra stuff, and a place to stay for now. (sidenote, don’t put a nether portal right beside your house.)

find a bed. later on, beds aren’t a big deal, but at first they definitely are. try to find or make a bed, and set your spawn somewhere. i’d suggest hiding the bed somewhere near your temporary base, but don’t make it visible.

get geared up. use your xray and get some diamonds, look through dungeons for enchanted books, make yourself tools, etc. its best to get what you need now that you’re out of spawn.

go fishing. you can get food, enchanted books, xp, etc. going fishing is actually super useful. the autofish hack is your friend right now. but don’t go afk when fishing, you can get kicked for it.

remember the nether highway myth. if you have almost nothing, and are travelling on the nether highways, there’s a good chance a high-level player could stumble upon you, take pity, and give you stuff. remember not to trust anyone right away, they could still end up killing you. but there is still a chance that being on the highways could get you everything youd ever need. again, though, make sure to put everything in your enderchest!

step seven: planning and playing.

im ready! ..what do i do now?

make a goal if you haven’t already. if you wanna be a nomad? plan where you’re gonna wander. if you’re gonna make a huge base? plan where to build it and go out there. if you’re gonna go visit monuments? figure out which ones and their coordinates, and start walking. gonna join a group? figure out which one would be safe and fun to join, and try to get in.

get as far from spawn as possible. unless you wanna stay near spawn, try and get 100,000 blocks away or further. and if you really wanna keep a base intact, don’t stay near any of the major highways.

have fun! as rough this server can be to play on, theres a lot of cool stuff you can find, and its important to find joy in the chaos.

and that’s all for now!

i may have forgotten things, so feel free to send me anything i missed! but i hope that everything i was able to write down will be enough to help anybody that wants to join 2b2t.org, the oldest anarchy server on minecraft!

Hey so I saw you mention top surgery and was curious. I was supposed to be having top surgery this summer but that’s postponed. I was curious how that went with chronic pain? I’m scared about the surgical binder with my fibro and back pain. Any advice or info would be greatly appreciated!! (You can answer privately if you prefer)

ive actually been meaning to write up a big post on this pretty much since i had top surgery but still haven't got around to it yet so I'm happy to talk about it lol. ill go over stuff now n still aim to do a more in depth post later when im on my laptop (but writing this now bc i tend to forget everything haha). ill stick to the more fibro / chronic illness specific stuff & stuff i wasnt expecting rather than rehashing everything. apologies im on mobile so i cant put this under a cut

firstly, im sorry ur surgery got postponed! i know that must be gutting, so i hope it gets rescheduled asap & the time until then passes easily for u ❤️

I had double incision with free nipple grafts on the 4th of september 2019 with Mr Miles Berry at the london wellbeck hospital. i think he did an amazing job and can't recommend him enough for his work! i think the last pics i took of my chest were for tdov, and ill rb them after i post this for reference. i didnt have drains at any point of the surgery

for ppl with fibro, i was told that the pain after surgery either tends to trigger a flareup, or be really easily manageable, and it's hard to predict which it will be beforehand. its best to prepare for a flareup and be pleasently surprised if u dont get one. for me, i had a flareup that sucked but wasnt too bad as far as flareups go

you'll probably get given painkillers. take them regularly. it's easier to treat pain preemptively. if u don't get given them (no idea how it works outside of the uk) id say def get codine and paracetamol. u can't take ibuprofen for a while

i woke up from aneasthetic freezing cold + in a lot of pain. apparently most ppl dont need the full dose of morphine, but i did. after that it was a bit better. i was just So Goddamn Hungry literally it's all i was talking about

that night in hospital was probably one of the most uncomfortable in my life. you have to sleep sitting up for like blood reasons, so my back pain was quite bad bc of it. moving around a bit and adjusting pillows helped. if u have anything that normally helps ur back pain bring it with u to the hospital, & dont be afraid to ask the nurses for help with it (even if they can just adjust ur pillows for u). i couldnt rly sleep much but distraction helps. bring ur phone + headphones. i did a few ask memes when i couldnt sleep

the first week from surgery was rly tough, the first few days especially. this was bc i still had to sleep elevated for a few days and i couldnt get comfortable. i was too exhausted to do anything but couldn't sleep and it rly started to get me down. then i got some sleeping tablets (just nytol) and that helped so much. i literally cannot recommend it enough bc the not sleeping properly made everything hard (and like esp because with fibro the whole pain/fatigue/depression cycle is so real). once i started sleeping better recovery became a lot easier, and the tablets made the awkward sleeping positions more manageable. if i had to give only one bit of advice this would be it

on that note, ik everyone says this but do get a V pillow. it helps u adjust to sleeping on ur back and if u sleep on ur side normally it means u can like lean slightly sideways on it which makes it sm easier. also this isn't even top related but they make good back pillows when ur watching stuff in bed even now

get urself some video games (if ur into them) and easy entertainment shows lined up for when u wanna have them. recovering from major surgery makes ur fatigue even more pronounced so ur not going to be able to do all that much, but having light entertainment ready to go stops u getting as bored. its also a good excuse to finally play/watch the things you've been meaning to for a while

go outside when u can. if u have a garden just walk around it. it helps with a lot of stuff, and idk about u but i always forget how much it does. even just helping u sleep better if u get trapped in a fibro fatigued-but-can't-sleep cycle. and it goes so far helping u feel human in the first week

the first week is rly hard for a lot of ppl - its frustrating to have all that pain and exhaustion and not being able to wash or change the binder, and with the swelling and bandages under the binder it doesn't really feel like there's much change, which all sort of adds together. i keep going on about this week bc it helps to mentally prepare for it - there's no need to dread it, you just need to remind urself how worth it itll all be and that the rest of recovery is a lot better than the first part, and in time it won't have seemed that bad. big picture stuff

when u get the chest reveal, everything's better. i didnt stop smiling. and when u put the post op binder on afterwards, without all the bandaging, u like feel for the first time how much flatter u are??? and its amazing. even with the swelling. and then u get to shower and u feel human again and its great. (ik some ppl have their post ops/chest reveals much earlier than a week, but 5 days to a week is pretty standard in the uk. mine was 6 days i think)

more post op binder stuff: i got given 2. the first one i woke up in after the surgery and wasn't allowed to take off until my post op, and the second one i got given at my post op to change into after i showered. After that i alternated every few days. whatever u get given, if u get less than 2 i recommend getting another one so u can alternate them (if u want help sourcing them hmu. ive also still got mine i need to give away)

the post op binders were actually a lot easier to wear full time than normal binders. they were like more stretchy, and stretchy the full way round (bc they dont have the compression bit at the front). i used to sleep in my normal binder every time i slept with my ex, and that hurt like a motherfuck sometimes. the post op binder was much kinder to my ribs

i had to wear the post op binder full time, taking it off like once a day to shower n let my chest breathe (and massage my scars once i started that). some surgeons arent that strict abt wearing it that long, but it really helps swelling, & bc i didnt have drains it was rly important to stop fluid buildup. ik quite a few guys in my trans groups who stopped wearing their binder fairly early and then got quite a lot of swelling so i didn't want to risk it & i wore it for the full 6 weeks. at some point (icr when but maybe at 6 weeks? bc my post op was at 8 weeks bc he was on holiday) i didnt wear it during the day and only wore it at night

all in all the binder didnt bother me that much. it was more comfortable than my regular binders and i just kinda got on with it. it was annoying tho and i was glad when i could stop wearing it. for me the most annoying part was that it was a full length binder (i always wore half length before) and the riding up at the hips was rly irritating. i actually quite liked sleeping with it tho it was a pretty nice pressure stim ahah

some post op binders r more comfortable than others. if u have to buy ur own, i rly suggest going with a proper surgical one (they arent too hard to find second hand for free or cheap, again im happy to help here) bc they're kinder to chronic pain. i know that having a comfortable post op binder made it all a lot easier for me. there are also lots of alternatives w lots of price ranges tho, so that's not ur only option

ok i think thats everything right now! sorry its so long, but let me know if u have any questions!!

finally: before i got top ppl told me that its honestly life changing, and i didnt realise how true that would be. literally every single aspect of my life is at least partially better because of it, and most of them drastically so. I'm really excited for you to get that for yourself, and im wishing u all the best for it 💕

NCT: The Mafia Game (dons part one)

preview: “uh i just moved here and i found--” there’s a strong hand that pulls on your neck and right onto the guy’s face. he stares at you for a long while, as if trying to remember your features. 

note: meet my bias wrecker atm (psst! this is super long)

the neighbourhood that you lived at was notorious for being ridden with crimes and illegal acts in general. but being the broke university student you were, it was a home >>>>> safety

no way in hell were u living in the streets

a warm home is better than none... right?

the rent was cheap and it was only half an hour away from ur uni-- so really, there was no reason to as why u shouldn’t have sealed the deal

the middle aged lady who handed u the keys looked like she wanted to throw herself off the fifth floor-- and never look back

she just grumbles about not forgetting rent and hikes back down the long trail of stairs-- 

ofc theres no elevator 

you take your only suitcase inside to see a barren landscape. there was literally no furniture and you curse your luck that u didn’t look over the contract details more closely

so u sort of set up a futon style accomodation using the blanket u bought and some towels

it was kinda late by the time u unpacked (by that i mean scatter everything on the floor)

there’s a loud noise outside and it was as if someone fell down--

so with the courage of a tin can, u sort of crab walked towards your door and opened it slightly, peeking thro the dim lighting

there’s a body on the floor and u sort of threw the door open and went over to the body-- it’s a guy-- was the first thing u noticed and you kind of skim over the content of the crime scene to deduct that he was alone-

so you kind of flip him over

(and that flipped u off)

because there’s a pure, raw stab wound on his left abdomen and ur kinda (morethan) shook because you’re not a med student or anything but u briefly recalled the first aid class u took during high school

so as best as u can, you dragged the male, almost twice your size, into the comfort of your strictly barren home and rummaged through the content of antiseptic and measly bandages you had to help him stop bleeding

there’s a groan as a response when you peel off the shirt drowning in blood with an apology for invading his privacy (but otherwise he could potentially die??)

and put pressure on the wound and the male trashed in response, his eyes opened slightly, chest heaving and perspiration running down his temple

“w-who?” he barely managed, before you accidentally added more pressure due to shock

“uh i just moved here and i found--” there’s a strong hand that pulls on your neck and right onto the guy’s face

he stares at you for a long while, as if trying to remember your features

you notice his clear eyes, nose, and slowly trail down to his lips. if this guy wasn’t the definition of attractive-- you srsly don’t know what would be

the hand on your neck slowly moves on to the space between your shoulder and your neck

it’s so intimate for a first encounter, and you kind of squeak out as a result

“u-uh, the- the ointment” you stutter out, reaching out for the antiseptic “this will hurt” you gave out the precaution, but there was no reply aside from the extensive gaze

the male clenches down on his teeth as you apply the medicament as gently as possible, and then grabs the biggest bandage you could find before covering the wound with it

you don’t know if it’s right or wrong but at least he’s not bleeding out profusely anymore and you’re about to grab your phone to call emergency services so he could be properly treated at a hospital

“what are you doing?” there’s more a glare to his eyes than before

“im not a professional,” you admitted cleanly. “and i think you need further treatment, so i’m calling the--”

“end the call”

“huh?”

“i said end the call” there’s a chill that goes down your spine and you sort of pressed the button in reflex

the guy lets out a vague exhale when he sees you sort of shiver in your spot

“i don’t feel as if i’m dying anymore” he looks away while saying this “and lend me your phone, i’ll have someone pick me up”

so you kind of handed it to him and he’s having much difficulty trying to lift his arm up because everywhere hurts and god knows how many muscles in the abdomen is triggered

“maybe i can ring it and then pass it to you?” 

and the guy sort of shrugs and gives it back to you while reciting the number. you then proceed to put the phone against his ear

“hey, pick me up. i’m...” he looks at you with a questioning gaze and you sort of tilt your head at this but then whispers the address. “yeah it’s the one beside the meeting point. they broke their end of the deal but i have what we needed so tell taeyong to stop worrying”

and then the two of you kind of stayed still in that awkward position

“name”

you look at him again, brows raised “what?”

“your name. what is it?”

you’re not keen on passing out your identity to random strangers- esp not in this dodgy complex... but maybe he just wants to thank you? so you’re positive and trusting and hands him over your name

he doesn’t reply after that because there’s a knock on your door and you’re reluctant to open it but the guy on the ground nods at you “it’s probably my friend but just ask if he’s jaehyun”

as you inch towards the entrance, you kinda stumble over your words,,,

“is it... uh... j-jaehyun?”

there’s a short break in the knocking and a low, “yes” took place

so you open the door and an equally dashing presence enters your view

the guy-- jaehyun-- nods at you in acknowledgement and walk towards the figure on the floor.

“you look worse than i thought” jaehyun joked, first thing in the morning (well technically it was 12:07... so)

“shut up” 

so jaehyun hauls the guy over his shoulder, and using enough sense to rest him on the side without the wound (but the injured dude still flinched anyway

before jaehyun fully passes you, the guy says something unexpected

“i’m doyoung” 

so the night was craaaazzyyyy but you sort of lived through it and cleaned up the blood stains on the floor and finally got to bed

you try not to think of everything that just happened (it was all too vivid) and try to focus on having a productive day at uni tomorrow with hopefully no distractions

the next morning was normal-- no wounded guys outside your door-- and you wake up extra early, around 6ish, to make your way to uni

at this time, none of the other tenants are awake so its nice and peaceful

and the next few days continued in the same routine

it was exactly a week since that you’re back from your long day of studies and part time job that you find a figure leaning against your door

at first you’re on defence, getting the umbrella inside your bag ready (the lighting was dim omfg)

and then when you near and was about to attempt a hit with the said umbrella the figure notices you and sort of defended himself first

“it’s doyoung”

and you stop and try and rack your mind for the name

it is late

and u were technically half ded

but then

it came

oh

doyoung

d o y o u n g

OOHHHHHHHHHHHH

you lowered your umbrella and sort of tilted your head horizontally to try to examine his wound but ofc there’s a shirt over it and u don’t have xray vision (u wish tho) (sort of) (maybe) 

the corner of doyoung’s lips raise as he looks over you but nods towards your door

“it isn’t polite to keep a guest outside”

and then you purse your lips “are you always this snappy?”

doyoung shrugs but you sigh and opens the door for him

there’s still nothing inside but he’s seen it so you kind of drop your bag once you’re inside and reminds doyoung to lock the door after him

doyoung takes his time to look around for good this time and comments, “there really was nothing”

and you shrug while rummaging through the cabinet for a midnight snack “im broke” was all that was needed to be said

“still” doyoung addressed “you need a bed at least. and maybe a fridge”

“there’s a working bathroom and that’s good enough for me” you shrug again, successfully pulling out a snack you bought a few days ago

“what is that” doyoung stares at the snack in your hand

and ur starting to wonder if he’s a foreigner

“it’s my dinner” you say , not ashamed at all

the dude just gasps at you in shock “theres no nutritional value in it whatsoever” he iterates very slowly, as if you were a five year old

you sigh as you take a seat on the floor, plopping another one piece of the snack into your mouth

“okay so i saved you and this is what i get? ofc i know it’s not good for me but it’d rather eat something than starve okay”

doyoung hesitates to reply and it kinda aggravates you a little because why is he back??? he hadn’t thanked u this whole time and ur kinda slightly maybe very little a bit pissed at that

like ur work is a charity u know but dude u deserved a thank you at the very least

so you popped the question

“why are you here”

“...why do you think i’m here”

you’re literally on your last strand of hair, “we’re not playing twenty questions and it’s late. i need to sleep.”

doyoung cocks a brow at you but gets the message and turns to leave

he opens the door slightly and turns back to look at you,

“i was here to express my gratitude since you literally saved my life. but i guess you don’t need that.”

and he disappears into the night

you literally feel bad as soon as he left but ur kinda stressed juggling uni and working too many job for your own good

so you sleep and try to forget it all

he won’t come back anyways

no point on crying over spilled milk

but o H BO YYYYY

you’re wrong

because the next morning, there’s a knock on your door as you were getting ready for uni once again, eyebags and all

and the moment u opened the door, your eyes just widen

“why are you here” you’re a broken machine w no creative content, pls bear with me

doyoung sort of holds back a smile at this because you look so lost and your bed hair was everywhere-- literally

“i’m resilient” was all he said as he brings up a plastic bag “figured that you probably wouldn’t eat breakfast” he hands it over to you “i’ve got your lunch covered too so eat it on your way to school”

and u froze

“how.... did you know i was a student”

doyoung doesn’t even try to look sorry, “i did a little digging”

oh

well ok

???!?!?!?!!?!?!!??!

since when was it legal to look someone up like that??

“why?” there’s a cockiness to his whole composure “are you going to kick me out again?”

well yes mister ofc

you’re invading my privacy

no matter how drop dead gorgeous you are this is like-- not acceptable

“yeah” you boldly answered, “i am. what of it?”

doyoung looks as if debating something before taking a step closer to you

“uhhh what are you doing”

and he’s literally thisclose to you that you feel his breath hovering over your lips

“im just wondering” he speaks in a lower tone, almost as if the both of you weren’t meant to say a word in this situation

you’re too mesmerised by his orbs to notice anything else but you gotta stay strong for pride’s sake and so you lean back and give him the dirtiest glare you could muster

it isn’t a frequent occasion that you could brace yourself under the presence of such a good looking person

...even though he seems like a shady guy

but still good looking

this doesn’t deter doyoung as he traps you onto the wall, hands on either side “if you know what i do, i don’t think that you would be so mean to me”

“well i don’t want to know more about you”

“oh really”

“very much so”

there’s a chuckle that decorates doyoung’s pretty features before his right hand lightly holds onto your chin and he sweeps down to press a kiss on your lips