From the desk of...

Day 1- Introduce yourself! What’s some basic info you’d like to share about yourself? Also! What are you studying? (If you’re in college, what’s your major? which semester are you in?)

I am adrienne-fh. I am a non-traditional adult student attempting to complete my first Bachelor's Degree. I am a student at Oregon State University on hiatus. I studied Psychology and Statistics. I hope to resume soon.

I enjoy singing, reading, writing, twitch streaming. Starcraft, Hearthstone, World of Warcraft - RPGs, RTS, and fighting games are fun. I also enjoy Chess. I wear monochromatic outfits with an eye for textures. I’m a curly girl. All-natural everything but wear wigs as my hair grows back from a buzz cut.

I am an ordained minister through Universal Life Church. It is much more than being a wedding officiant! I offer a host of ministerial services including ceremonies for baptism, the dying, and funerals.

I am a person with chronic illness: Fibromyalgia and PTSD. This causes a range of difficulties, the hardest to deal with being pain and exhaustion. I’m a walking pin cushion with a pillow.

Day 2- If you’ve chosen a major, why did you decide on it? If you’re in any other grade, what field/major interests you the most?

I am interested in human behavior and high performers and the dark triad. I love to understand how our mind works. Because I am interested in psychometrics and informatics, I am developing my skill in statistics and programming.

I enjoy human-computer interaction and Natural Language Processing. AI and its impact on what it means to be a working adult are intriguing. Children are at an advantage, learning more skills sooner. All this, combined with wanting to be a part of the new wave of IoT and AI, starts with understanding who we are to appreciate who we are becoming. The impact on our decision-making and empathy is stunning.

I am a Mental Health Peer Supporter seeking provisional certification. I am also seeking ways to improve my pastoral counseling services. Psychology is key in many endeavors, even writing complex characters!

Day 3- Have you done a challenge before? If so, how was it? If not, what are you expecting to get out of this experience?

Yes! 100 Days of Productivity. I forget to post sometimes. I would like to develop consistency and use my blog to keep me accountable. Because I’m not so broken up about not always completing what I set out to do, I focus more on the joy of sharing my story with others and the connections I could make.

Day 4- For my researching fellows, what are you researching? If you’re not currently researching, what is the topic within your field that you’re most passionate about?

Mainly, the effectiveness of Online Mental Health Communities. How to make Online Health Communities work better. How we interact with Online Mental Health Communities and how they affect the way we feel and behave. How can Fountain House use its Virtual Club House to improve life satisfaction amongst members? 

I also research trends in AI, Beauty, and Goal Achievement.

Day 5- Tag 3 studyblrs that you like seeing on your dashboard.

@a-medstudents-journey 

@theologei

@a-study-in-dante

Day 6- Quickly! tag urself!

five pm. warm smiles. classy. aesthetic Instagram feed. anklets. soft music. yoga. face masks. @adrienne-fh

Day 7-  Some of your music faves right now (let’s say up to 5)

ABBA, Madonna, Vienna Teng, Ashnikko, Billie Ellish

Day 8- International Women’s Day! What’s your take on feminism?

It is obviously not much of a choice to be respectful to anyone, no matter gender or preference. We can complain about the conversations we are having or do more to have them. We have to treat each other better - humans in general.

Day 9- Write something that you’d like to tell yourself.

You can do it! You are doing it! It is getting better! Focus. Get rid of all the junk! You deserve the love and life you keep giving to everyone else.

Day 10- Tag someone whose aesthetic you love seeing on your feed.

@justanotherstudyblrinthecrowd

Day 11- What’s something that you’ve always wanted to do but haven’t got the chance to do so?

Stand in front of the Louvre. Visit the Basílica i Temple Expiatori de la Sagrada Família. Fall in deep mutual kind and compassionate love with lots of romance and care. Publish a print book - short stories, essays, novels, novellas, and of course poetry. I have a lot to share!

Day 12- Are you more into plants or flowers? What’s your fave type?

I really love succulents. The best of both. I really really love moss!

Day 13- Tell us the most eye-opening book you’ve read.

Oh. That’s really hard. I think of The Da Vinci Code and The Human Stain. Any book by Jonathan Safran Foer, particularly Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close.

Day 14-  What are some of the reasons you love yourself/should love yourself?

I am a divine child of light that believes in the cosmos lining up and giving all of us a big wink with a smile. I’m silly and playful. I’m dead serious smart, psychic, and a crazy protector of love and personal freedom. I fight away evil with nurturing and honesty. I’m a bit crazy and zany. I’m bizarre. I’m pretty much free-spirited and open with an edge.

Day 15- Tag someone who you think would get along just right with you.

@manuxstudies​

Day 16- What’s your go-to coffee/tea/beverage order?

Venti Flat White with sugar in the raw or Keto-Friendly Stevia Drops. Both are delicious. 

Day 17- Share with us your feel-good playlist.

Deep Focus

Brain Food

The Show Must Go On (Curated)

Day 18- Tag someone whose blog you constantly check.

@bakinginthewoods​

Day 19- Tell us about your online experience (is it sometimes overwhelming? Do you feel like it's a great way to get in touch with people? What’s something that you love seeing on here?)

Tumblr is soothing. Other online communities, not so much. I have gotten bullied, cyberattacked, stolen from, and had trouble with employment because of online hijinks based on Gossip and “Mean-Girling”. People who are stressed out and have a reputation to uphold lash out at people who are viewed as a threat (for whatever reason). We, as netizens, know that the whole “Bro Culture” thing can be toxic. I experienced gossip on steroids that resulted in financial loss, illness, and loss of employment. Hard to prove. However, finding and creating healthy spaces online that encourage creativity and sharing is possible. Some of my favorite supportive communities are Github, Quora, and Deviant Art. If you know of any, share a link in my comments. 

Day 20- What are three things that inspire you?

Music. I love deep lyrics and heavy percussion and bass. My journal entries. I love reading what I'm actually thinking (same with Vlogs). People-watching. You learn a lot about what matters watching our interactions silently.

Day 21- Share a quote that speaks to you.

“He who fears he will suffer already suffers because he fears.”

— Michel De Montaigne.

Day 22- What’s your comfort food/ comfort routine for sad days?

Peanut Butter and Jelly with a tall glass of cow milk.

Day 23- What’s some random miscellaneous piece of information that you just happen to know?

Kirk Hammett of Metallica met his wife while a film, jazz, and Asian studies student at SFU in CA.

Day 24- Share with us your favorite word (it can be in any language).

Pus. It's the Swedish word for Kiss. Bra, also Swedish, means good.

Day 25- Tag someone who has great text posts

@adrienne-fh

Day 26- What has been your best zoomester experience so far?

I can’t say which. This is pretty nice.

Day 27- If you’re about to graduate, what’s something that you’ll miss from school? If you aren’t about to graduate, tell us something you really love about school.

I enjoy reading and understanding difficult concepts. What a joy after a few hours of reading to finally understand!

Day 28- Spill the tea about the things that you’ve done during the zoomester (Online shopping, courses taken, any hobby)

I’ve doodled. I’ve zoned out. I’ve watched Twitch.

Day 29- Quick! Name your own aesthetic! or alternatively, what’s an aesthetic you’d like to try out?

Romanti-goth, Vamp, Cyber Punk (kinda). Pinup.

Day 30- What’s the best advice someone has given you?

Fake it till you make it. Show up and never give up. Burn your boats!

Day 31-  Send three people some uplifting messages!

@ava-embers Write more sexy stuff doll face.

@studyingwhilepsychotic smooches to my soul sister. Rage on wild child.

@twitchb-tch Shut up! You are too cute. You guys rock!

Movies of Fall/Winter 2019 (and 2020) that I’m really excited to see

With awards season kicking in, the movie release slate is about to bring us some incredible pieces of cinema. There are many films this year that sound fun, interesting, profound and promising so here is a shortened list of the ones that get me giddy with most anticipation. TOP 5 let’s go! (and a few honourable mentions)

5. Lucy in the Sky (Noah Hawley, December 6th, 2019, UK)

Randomly stumbling upon its trailer on Youtube, I was surprised as to why I haven’t heard anything about this film at all because it actually looks super intriguing. Even though the notion of a space movie can feel fairly worn-out, and there is only so much originality you can bring to that kind of concept, Lucy in the Sky looks like it’s going to be a completely shifted take on space dynamics and exploration. In fact, it seems it’s going to be a story fully centred around one character’s individual, self-reflective, very personal journey, with space acting only as a narrative device that creates the background, rather than it being at the forefront of the film’s events. Natalie Portman seems completely in her shoes in this trope of a study of a character who’s deeply damaged and emotionally transformed by whatever trials she undergoes. The trailer is put together so perfectly as well. It tells just enough information for us to understand what is the movie’s premise while also creating a dramatic and suspenseful energy. Also, to me the imagery feels very grounded and serious but also kind of weird, daring and eccentric in some shots, so if the creators managed to balance a kind of art-house approach with some epic, grandiose visual elements it is going to be one hell of a film. To be fair, I was kind of excited just ‘cause it’s Natalie Portman but the more I think about the story the more interesting and promising it sounds. Unfortunately, it comes out October 4th which means its going to have a biiiiit of a competitor in the box-office in the form of Joker.

4. Jojo Rabbit (Taika Waititi, January 3rd, 2020, UK)

This one exhibits several traits that make the film very enticing. First of all, of course, the subject matter. I think it’s fair to say that a little boy interacting with Adolf Hitler in the shape of an imaginary friend is as crazy and amusing an idea as it gets. And, of course, many of us have our understanding and reaction towards the people and events of the WW2 era but to have that portrayed in a comedy genre is definitely going to cast a whole new light on the subject, at least as seen on the big screen. This will most likely be a story exploring harsh realism through imagination and fantasy but also through the earnest and innocent eyes of a child and it will likely be a surprising take and not what anyone expects it to be. Due to many reasons, it is, obviously, going to be a widespread conversation piece and for that alone I have to see it. The other thing that perfectly complements the idea of this project, is the man himself, Taika Waititi. I don’t think a better combination between the material and the creator can emerge because it is hard to imagine someone else taking on such a bold proposition. He’s just the type of writer and director that is so unique in style and taste that you just believe anything he makes is going to turn out special in one way or another, and having creative will and freedom and integrity might be exactly what made this whole thing possible in the first place. Plus Waititi himself is playing Hitler which, I’d imagine, just raises the scale of humour and energy and dynamics of the whole piece. 

3. Jumanji: The Next Level (Jake Kasden, December 13th, 2019, UK)

I know, a not so popular of a choice. Compared to the way every other film is awaited based on their technical and creative merits, with this one I am so genuinely eager to experience the fun. After all the amusement Jumanji: Into the Jungle brought to the franchise, I don’t see why anybody wouldn’t be excited about this next instalment. I absolutely loved that film, it was so so so funny and entertaining! The story was really great because not only did it bring that fantasy and adventure aspect once again but also the way the avatar/game player narrative approach was incorporated was so unique. So, after seeing the trailers for this sequel, it sparked even more excitement to see how else can they possibly spin that concept. With that in mind, bringing in Danny DeVito and Danny Glover, well regarded comedic figures and over all talents, to the mix is genius. Them trapped in the bodies of Dwayne Johnson and Kevin Hart is, honestly, a hilarious thought and having old guys interact with the other teenage friends and deal with challenges in the desert, jungle, mountain tops will be no less than a thrilling journey. I think this is going to be just the right film to kind of step back from all the serious and deep dramas that will be in full motion for Oscar season at the time, and switch to some good-old light-hearted cinema. With holidays coming up during its release (December 13th) - nothing better than to go see a fun family movie. And if the playfulness and humour combined with the fond spirit of the story lands at least the same way as it did with the previous film, it’s going to win over people’s hearts and probably the box-office. Can’t wait to just fully enjoy the action and immerse myself in the wonder of this adventure all over again!

2. Joker (Todd Philips, October 4th, 2019, UK)

I have to admit, while initially I was very interested in this new iteration of Joker purely on a general movie-goer level, it was maintained and gradually piqued as time went on largely due to everyone talking about it so much. The sheer amount of hype and anticipation this announcement has managed to create is baffling. Every film coverage outlet, magazine, blog was discussing it. And maybe it’s just that I follow a lot of superhero genre loving people and maybe the idea of this film, in fact, doesn’t concern the general viewer as much, still it has kept many eagerly waiting. The thing that gives it an edge, though, is the fact that this is not simply going to be your general superhero action blockbuster but rather an intense psychological drama reflecting on certain societal issues applied to a familiar mythology. The character everyone knows as a rival to Batman here seems to be a troubled man, beaten down literally, as well as emotionally due to social injustice and his own mental complications. Therefore, this film will probably not rely on epic showdowns and comic tropes as much but actually will give the concept of an ‘origin story’ a different meaning. It’s exciting that DC took it upon themselves to make a bold and creatively charged version of their beloved character, and with Joaquin Phoenix as the lead and Todd Philips as director I think they can be confident about their vision. Whether it is going to be received well or not, that’s the question. While it did already receive heaps of acclaim, including the Golden Lion in the Venice Film Festival, the early audience reviews are quite widely mixed. Nonetheless, it is very intriguing. I have to say, it’s shaping out to be one of those films, and performances, in particular, that have the ability to stay in the minds of the viewers long after. Not long to wait now and we’ll finally see if it lives up to what it set out for. ‘Cause let me tell you, the standard’s high, for sure.

Knives Out (Rian Johnson, November 29th, 2019, UK)

For the longest, this film and Joker were up to par for the number one place on my list of the most awaited movies of the rest of year. Every trailer amped up the excitement so much more and, ultimately, when I felt that I could’t stop thinking about Knives Out, counting days ‘till it’s release, I knew which one has won me over. No surprise, though. I absolutely love whodunnits!!! There’s just a certain thrill to a mystery or a detective style film that cannot be found anywhere else. There’s always so much room for exploration of characters and narratives and the story can take so many directions. If a screenplay for a murder mystery is done right, and all the twists and turns are unexpected and smartly placed, it’s just the best. I also love the interactive aspect of it. Even though I know I can’t change the way it all plays out, I have the ability to have my own reasoning and conclusions that I can apply in my head as the events role out. So with this film I was instantly hooked. Chris Evans’ attachment to the project definitely helped me discover it, though. I’m a huge fan of his and I was curious already to see what kind of role he is about to take on next after the culmination of his journey as Captain America in the MCU. Since I find him to be a very intelligent actor, I think I can trust his judgement on what kind of material is interesting to explore and what kind of people are worth collaborating with. That in mind, this cast looks absolutely incredible! Some really experienced ‘veterans’ in Toni College, Jamie Lee Curtis, Christopher Plummer, a big big star Daniel Craig, as well as some less known but promising names such as Ana de Armas and Katherine Langford, for example. And that’s just to name a few… Wow. With the nature and genre of the story, given it’s a suspenseful mystery but with a comedic flare, a good ensemble of performers is crucial, as is their dynamic. Hopefully, writer/director Rian Johnson has managed to create a rich, powerful and unique film that will entertain and won’t disappoint. I do believe that will be the case, as that much talent on screen and behind the camera is usually a recipe for success.

If not for the short list… I have so many other films that have caught my attention and that will absolutely have me in the cinema seat on opening night. These include Bombshell whose team is worth an applause for that amazingly well put teaser trailer; Just Mercy, for a true story that will no doubt have an impact on me and for what seem to be astounding performances by the lead cast; and Marriage Story because it will make me cry… Stories about family, love and relationships always hit close home, this one might break my heart but there’s pain and joy in life all the time, I look forward to seeing the often difficult reality reflected on screen.

Make Everyday Noise a Mindfulness Practice

Everyday sounds could be irritating and disruptive -- or they could offer another automobile for mindfulness.

I began my media profession back in high institution, as DJ Captain Kilowatt on a little Leading 40 rock terminal. For more than 30 years, I have actually delighted in forming music, voices, as well as sound results into engaging broadcasts, but my work has had an unanticipated negative effects: I have actually come to be extra conscious noise than lots of people I know.

Thousands of hrs spent in soundproof studios with sophisticated audio devices believe contributed to my keen understanding of the sea of vibrations through which we swim. Consequently, I connect my ears when motorbikes holler by, I retreat from wailing youngsters, and also loud films make me cringe.

Our world is a noisy area, as well as it's obtaining noisier regularly. Statistics verify what my experience suggests: Individuals have actually ended up being so inured to noise that they are actually injured by it. A testing of concerning 64,000 Americans by the League for the Hard of Hearing discovered that between 1982 and 2000, the occurrence of measurable hearing loss enhanced by 15 to 60 percent, depending on the age team. While this suggests that staying clear of unnecessary noise is a healthy and balanced approach, that's not constantly feasible. In my very own adaptation to this truth, I've found a means to transform uninvited sound right into a welcome benefit.

Once a curse, my acoustic acuity has ended up being an useful gift in my reflection technique. I currently use nonjudgmental hearing as a centerpiece for alert, moment-to-moment perception. I let city noises -- from the snarl of mower to the honking of car horns -- play a function just like that of breath, emotion, believed, as well as bodily experience when I look for one-pointed attention.

In a 1999 dharma talk that was offered at the Barre Center for Buddhist Research studies in Barre, Massachusetts, vipassana meditation educator Christina Feldman explained what might occur when we focus on a solitary things of focus, such as sound. This method of purposeful emphasis, she noted, 'challenges our long-lasting routines of distractedness and grasping.' The obstacle comes from the reality that 'despite our intent to apply and also maintain one-pointedness, the mind proceeds to regurgitate its habitual patterns and come to be lost in its own busy-ness.'

Fortunately, as we enable sounds to flow unblocked with our awareness -- without obtaining attracted into evaluation, judgment, as well as choice -- we can come to be superior at resting steadly through all type of stimulations that might otherwise irritate, distract, or disrupt us.

Tuning In to Awareness

In my own technique, the very first step in operation sound masterfully is just to notice just what I am hearing. This involves taking a complete aural stock. In the exact same means that I bring concentrated recognition to the cycles of breathing in my daily meditation practice, I come to be conscientious to what is jumping off my ears, consisting of lots of sounds which I am typically subconscious. As I slow my mind to listen, each ear imitates a huge antenna, collecting perceptions from close to and also far. I undoubtedly observe that every place has its very own 'audio trademark,' as special as a fingerprint.

At house, I am welcomed by just what knows: a humming refrigerator, the fizz of cars and trucks on a close-by road, a ticking clock, a hissing water heating system, breeze-rustled fallen leaves, and also the skittering of birds or squirrels on my roof covering. In a nearby reflection hall I frequent, these audios are replaced by the drone of airplanes, the whine of alarms, the buzz of fluorescent lamps, smothered voices from an adjacent area, and also the clang of pots in the cooking area. Obviously, I always experience the mundane audios of the human body, from tummy gurgling as well as nose sniffling to throat clearing up and itch scraping. With interest, the ceaseless cavalcade of noises becomes a meditation.

To try this kind of attentiveness on your very own, select a time in the house when you are not likely to be interrupted for a minimum of 20 mins, after that think a comfortable seatsed position. Initially, direct awareness to your breath, adhering to the sensations in your body that accompany the process of breathing. After a couple of mins, deliberately and mindfully change the focus to your sense of hearing. Resisting need to call or get included with the different audios circulating around you, merely examine them. Notification just how some noises develop and also vanish rapidly, or are heard just as soon as, while others are consistent and also recurring. Observe the different qualities each sound displays and the level of your need to associate a noise with a mental image, label, or emotion.

As you listen, cultivate a top quality of separated, choiceless awareness that enables this acoustic mélange to pass easily with your awareness, like a cloud drifting silently with the sky. If you locate that your mind has actually been captured by a specific sound, probably expiring right into a reverie caused by it, note the fact that this has actually occurred and afterwards, without judgment, return to a nonclinging recognition of audio. Throughout your first resting, this noting and also letting go could take place lot of times. With practice, however, the events need to come to be much less constant. The essential point is to come to be mindful of your add-on and also create the capacity to launch it.

Once you have actually experienced 'sound reflection' in the house, experiment with it at other locations, such as your office, health club, or college, or while taking a trip. If you make use of public transportation, attempt this practice while commuting. Urban sounds could be sidetracking initially, however several meditators have actually told me that with time, their connections with sounds that when frustrated them moved significantly. I advise you to explore sound meditation on a routine basis for at the very least a month prior to attracting any type of conclusions concerning your own experience. Consider adding it to the repertoire of techniques that help you create a deeper understanding of your very own consciousness.

Simplicity, Peace, and Poise

This sort of attunement is a helpful discipline at any type of time, so to hone your sensory recognition of the here and now moment. It takes genuine initiative to bring the fresh, alert 'beginner's mind' to prevalent sensory stimulations. That's because the alienation from our bodies that a lot of us feel results, partly, from a well-intended as well as deeply set coping method. Confronted with an incessant parade of acoustic justifications, we often tend to lessen our understanding of daily noises unless something appears out of whack. We make use of numerous psychological tricks to complete this, disregarding the ordinary in order to minimize diversion and minimize irritability.

It's easy, obviously, to persuade ourselves that numerous sounds are obnoxious. I make sure each of us could call some pet peeves. Mine consist of trash vehicles at 5:30 a.m. as well as fallen leave blowers during breakfast. I've learned that the more difficult path is not to measure the worth of such audios, however to approve them in a true spirit of equanimity. This does not necessarily indicate we have neutral feelings about such invasions, instead, it means we are not so purchased our memorizing reactions that we could not separate ourselves from such responses.

The Buddha is stated to have actually educated that the crazy get in touch with the world mostly via their physical detects, whereas the sensible seek to understand the nature of those links. As we expand better, some Buddhist scholars suggest, we might progress able to preserve our inner tranquility as well as peacefulness in the midst of whatever experiences challenge us, including unwanted noise. Rather than being swept away by the raw power of a noise or by our identification with just what we think is wrong with the sound, we discover how to allow those vibrations clean over us without disruption. By doing this, we create a clear hearing of our hearts and also minds.

One of one of the most highly regarded contemporary teachers of yoga, B.K.S. Iyengar, resembled this sentiment when he wrote in his publication Yoga: The Path to All natural Health (DK Publishing, 2001), 'The key purpose of yoga is to restore the mind to simplicity, peace, as well as poise, and also cost-free it from complication as well as distress.' In silent sittinged reflection (dhyana) and observance (niyama), as in our asana technique, we are tested regularly by just what our hearing -- as well as other physical sense -- stirs within us. Bringing mindfulness as well as restriction (yama) to our ears resembles bringing mindful attention to our breath, equilibrium, and muscle mass as we move through asanas. Both methods could end up being cars for establishing the health-promoting qualities of clear recognition and also releasing. Yoga exercise utilizes the term parinamavada to refer to the approval of consistent change that parallels this frame of mind. Yet such equanimity is not conveniently available within any contemplative method if sound features as a display, irritant, or diversion.

The wise poet Rumi talked to the human tendency toward irritability and also interruption in his poem 'Just Breath': 'There is a method between voice as well as presence where details flows./ In disciplined silence it opens./ With wandering talk it closes.' Rumi could not have prepared for the modern-day Tower of Babel that generates consistent discord, yet I believe his injunction to listen attentively would be duplicated with much more emphasis if he still strolled -- as well as listened -- amongst us today.

Richard Mahler is an independent author and also instructor of mindfulness-based tension reduction that splits his time in between Santa Cruz, The golden state, and also Santa Fe, New Mexico. His most recent publication is Stillness: Daily Present of Solitude.

Its 9:34 pm

Welcome to “8 Questions With…….”

So…I’m going to be honest with you here. When I read our next guest’s story,I cried. Now there be many of you already leaving this interview but hear me out. Alfred Carter IV’s story is one that you need to hear because its proof positive that mountains can be climbed even when you’re hanging on by the fingernails. Alfred has done quite amount of living in a short time,a gifted football player,smart student in the classroom,being cast in two big budgeted films and being forced to climb that damn mountain…but Alfred has planted his flag and moved on. So now this talented actor/musician,forged by fire,is intent on making his mark in life. I have zero doubt that whatever path Alfred takes in the future,he will make that path his own and something great will result because of it. Personally,I can’t wait to see where takes us. But for now…..let’s go ask Alfred Carter IV his eight questions……

  Please introduce yourself and tell us about your latest project. 

What’s up everybody, my name is Alfred Carter IV and I am an Actor/Writer/Musician from New Orleans, Louisiana and I currently live in Phoenix, Arizona.     The latest project that I completed was a voice over for an environmental campaign that is set to air on Pandora as well as radio.     Even more recent is the finalization of a feature length script for a film based on my college experience mixed in with a little action, drama, and comedy. I am in the process of sorting some things out and then I will start pitching the idea to investors, etc. It will definitely be an entertaining movie to say the least, something for sports fans and non-sports fans alike.

What was your house like growing up? What are your fondest memories growing up? 

Growing up my house was like a musical mixed with a funny reality television show. My dad was a police officer but could’ve been on Saturday Night Live and my mom was a nurse but could’ve been a professional singer. It was always fun, we were always singing, joking and around having fun. We didn’t really play video games growing up, this caused us to be creative and use our imagination. I credit a lot of my creativity to the way I was brought up.     As far as my fondest memories growing up I have so many of them, my top ones would be when each of my younger siblings were born. Another would be this time when my mom checked me out of school and we went to lunch and then went to fly kites at the park. Another would be the times I’d wrestle around with my dad like Mufasa and Simba in the Lion King. 

You played college football, which school did you play for and what was that experience like?What were your three favorite subjects to study?

I played Division-1 college football for Nicholls State University in Louisiana and the experience was like no other. I appreciate the free education that was provided but it definitely came at a cost. People think that the life of a student-athlete is so glamorous but it’s not all that it seems. Although my time as a college football player completely revolved around football I still had fun times though.     My favorite subjects to study were actually all electives. They were Fine Arts Survey, History of Music: Rock n Roll, and Psychology. 

Your career got off to a promising start by being featured in two big films but then tragedy struck, can you share what happened?

My first role was as a stunt-actor was in Lee Daniels’ The Butler. One day I got an email from a former NFL player turned stuntman that I used to train with inviting me to go on an audition.    My scene was very cool and fun it even made the movie trailer! Unfortunately, the scene itself got cut from the actual film due to the violence involved in it, it was a gun fight with the police.    My second role was as a stunt-actor in When the Game Stands Tall, directed by Thomas Carter. I found out about this role from someone I met on the set of Lee Daniels’ The Butler. This goes to show you that it is important to not only network but to have proper set etiquette because people are always watching how you conduct yourself. We finished shooting all of the football scenes for When the Game Stands Tall in the Summer of 2013 and in December of 2013 my life literally changed forever. My brother and I were headed home after going to the John Mayer concert in New Orleans an we were in a terrible car accident.    I was in the Intensive Care Unit for a week with a broken back, torn my hip, and ruptured my intestines which resulted in me having to get to use a colostomy bag for nine months. To make all of this even worse my brother, Andrew, didn’t survive the accident. It was crazy and didn’t seem real for the longest. My brother and I were literally best friends. We did everything together, went everywhere together, made music together, and we had a ton of plans together. My life was literally turned upside down. 

Where did your journey take you as you recovered from your injuries? 

My journey to recovery was tough to say the least. Growing up in a house where Faith was a big part of our lives made it even harder for me to be able to grasp why this even happened. To say that I was completely shaken up and torn down to my core in every aspect of who I was would be an understatement. There were a few times when I just wanted to give up because I legitimately felt like I had nothing to live for. If it weren’t for my family and my Faith, there’s no way I would’ve made it back from where was at that time. My journey to recovery was beautiful because not only did I heal physically but I healed mentally and spiritually as well. This accident caused me to slow down from the pace in which I was living and reflect on a lot of things that I never gave much thought to before.     In 2015 I was presented with an opportunity to do missionary work and I initially shut it down but there was this tugging within me that I just couldn’t ignore. I went on mission for two year and it was amazing. While on mission I gave so much of myself but the crazy thing about it is that I gained so much more in return. I would’ve never grown as much as I did had I not stepped outside of my comfort zone and become apart of something greater than myself.

    When did you move to Arizona and how have you found the acting community to be so far?

I moved to Arizona in January of 2018 and I have found the acting community to be pretty cool and supportive. Arizona is a beautiful state with beautiful scenery and beautiful people from all over the world, it’s a shame there isn’t more filming being done here. 

Which aspect of acting do you like most? How would you describe your style of acting?

The aspect I love the most about acting is being able to transfer my energy and emotions from other aspects of myself into my performance, the feeling is amazing!     If I had to describe my style of acting I would say that it is most like Meisner. I enjoy this style most because it seems the most natural to me and it allows me to be myself yet not myself as myself but myself as the character that I am portraying.  

Improv seems so challenging, what do you use  to get into the “moment” so quickly? 

I love Improv! I am a natural born artist so improvisation is pretty easy for me, its like a game, its fun!  As far as getting into the moment, I just release my inhibitions by taking majority of what I’ve learned as an adult and toss it aside. Then I dig deep within myself, find my inner child, wake him up, and get to work!

If you were at an audition and a follow actor who going for the same part asked for your help, would you do or not and why?

   Of course I’d help! I would help not only because I would want someone to help me but because it’s about being an artist, a true artist is someone who shares their art. A lot of times actors get caught up in thinking that it is all about them and it’s really not, the movie goes on either way. My mindset is this, if the role is for me then I’ll get it, if not, then I won’t. It is what it is.

  What do you enjoy about modeling? How did you get into it?

So I never actually intended to do modeling I just kind of stumbled into it. Some one asked me if I could model their fashion line and I did it and it just kind of went from there. As far as what I enjoy about modeling, it would be networking and meeting new people as well as getting free gear.  

What does “peace” mean to you?

Peace to me is remaining in the present moment and allowing myself to appreciate the beauty in every aspect of life that surrounds me on every step of my journey. Not stressing about the past or worrying about the future but remaining calm and learning along the way to prepare for the next level of our journey. 

The cheetah and I are flying in to watch you film your new film but we are a day early and now you are playing tour guide,what are we doing? 

So if you flew into Phoenix a day early and we had time, we could go up to Sedona, it’s one of my top 3 favorite places in Arizona, it’s beautiful. If we decided to stay closer to the city of Phoenix we could go grab a bite to eat at one of my favorite spots in Downtown Phoenix called Trapp Haus BBQ. After that we could just see what would be going on for that day. If it were the first Friday of the month we could go to First Friday in Downtown Phoenix.      If we were back in New Orleans though, we would have to go to Drago’s Seafood Restaurant and get some chargrilled oysters. Then we could hit the French Quarter for a bit and then maybe grab a drink and walk to the river and watch the riverboats and the sunset. After that we’d go to Frenchman Street and catch some live music.

  I like to thank Alfred very much for sharing his story with us. As you can see,he is an incredible human being who has overcome tremendous and life-altering challenges to get where he is now and quite honestly,I can’t see anything stopping him in his quest to become a household name. I mean,he already is in mine….. You can follow Alfred’s career by heading over to his website. Inside you can find his various social media sites which I hope you’ll follow.

Its doing a interview like this that reminds me how much I love doing this series and am grateful for the people who will sit down virtually with me and talk about lives. I hope you enjoy meeting these people as much as I do.

If you have a story that you want to share,no matter what it is,please reach out and let’s talk. This format is open to anyone and anybody that is a human being.

Feel free to drop a comment below,we would to get some feed back!!

8 Questions with …………actor/musician Alfred Carter IV Its 9:34 pm Welcome to "8 Questions With......." So...I'm going to be honest with you here. When I read our next guest's story,I cried.

Online & featured in today’s Daily Mail magazine - see above 

“Four years have passed since Dan Stevens had the nation choking on their mince pies when, as fresh-faced Matthew Crawley, he had a fatal car crash in the Downton Abbey Christmas special. He called it a ‘terrifying, monumental decision’ to leave the hit ITV drama, but now the gamble’s paid off. He’s since upped sticks with his jazz singer wife Susie Hariet and their two young children to live in New York. Now a full-blown film star, he bulked up and perfected an American accent to play the tough guy roles of a psychopathic US Army veteran in The Guest, and a drug trafficker in A Walk Among The Tombstones. As if determined to show his range, next month he opens in the latest Disney blockbuster, Beauty And The Beast, but before then he’s back on TV in Legion, a big-budget new series based on Marvel Comics characters. It’s essentially a spin-off from the X-Men franchise, the hit superhero films that have starred Hugh Jackman, Sir Ian McKellen and Patrick Stewart and taken over £3.5 billion at the box office. Dan plays David Haller, the illegitimate son of Professor X, the leader of the X-Men who’s been portrayed on the big screen by both Patrick Stewart and, more recently, James McAvoy. But David has been brought up unaware that he might have a superhero side. Or as another of the characters puts it, ‘he has the power but he doesn’t understand it or know how to control it’. So Legion is not all about the flying, fighting action heroes battling against evil villains. Instead, the eight-part show, created by Noah Hawley, the man behind Emmy and Golden Globe-winning black comedy crime drama Fargo, is more psychological. Full of gleefully quirky personalities, at its centre is the tortured character of David, who may be more than human. ‘David’s quite a troubled young man,’ Dan explains when we meet on a cool afternoon in Los Angeles. He’s looking trim and relaxed in jeans and a grey sweatshirt, and is reassuringly far from the jittery bag of nerves that is his character in Legion. ‘As a result of being the professor’s offspring he has these incredible powers. But the problem is he’s not cognisant of them at all, and therefore, as far as he sees it, his “normal” human life has been beset by these strange events invading his surroundings, which people tell him he’s imagined. So from quite a young age he’s been diagnosed as being paranoid schizophrenic. He’s grown up being told one set of truths about his condition by psychologists, and then when our story begins, his world is invaded by a group of other people who tell him something quite different – that this is not a mental illness he has, this is real. That these are powers he really has.’

At the beginning of the show he’s trapped in a mind-numbing routine inside a psychiatric hospital, dressed in a retro tracksuit and with what he calls ‘mid-90s indie’ hair (think Noel Gallagher). But then a beautiful new patient Syd arrives (played by Fargo’s Rachel Keller). The pair feel drawn to one another, and she’s convinced he’s not schizophrenic but actually a powerful mutant. Inspired by her, he escapes and sets about trying to uncover his family history while joining forces with a group of fellow mutants to fight sinister government agents who want to control them. Dan says that, in order to prepare for the role, he embarked on a serious study of paranoid schizophrenia. ‘I had fascinating conversations with sufferers of this condition and also with one psychologist in particular in New York, who gave me a great deal of time and told me some very interesting stories. It turns out it’s not just crazy people in asylums who have this disorder – the psychologist talked about some very, very high-functioning members of society, CEOs of companies and editors of magazines, and all sorts of people who are out there trying to live a normal life in spite of it. I myself had a very good friend from college who suffered from it, and having seen it up close, it’s a terrifying condition. ‘One of the things that’s both frightening and awesome is that to people who have it, the delusions that affect them are very real. There’s not one of them who says, “OK, this part of my world is normal, and this part is crazy,” to them it all feels real. So there’s great confusion about what is actually happening and what isn’t. But having said that, it’s not without a certain humorous side as well – my college friend has quite a wry appreciation of his state sometimes, and we’ve added a comedic element to the show because if you look at it one way, it’s quite fertile ground for comedy. ‘Noah Hawley has a substantially different take on the superhero genre, and it was interesting to see the curve balls he threw in throughout the season. I guess it was to wake us up and keep us on our toes. I had to learn to play the banjo at one point, which came out of nowhere, and there are several dance numbers during the series, including a Bollywood-style routine.’ You’ll see him dance after the arrival of love interest Syd, as his emotions manifest themselves – although the scene may be just in his imagination. ‘It’s actually quite a mindbender of a show,’ he adds.

It’s certainly a far cry from playing Downton’s ever-upright Matthew Crawley, a role that followed on from appearances in TV period dramas Sense And Sensibility and The Turn Of The Screw. ‘Well, gosh, Downton and Legion are quite different shows, aren’t they?’ says Cambridge-educated Dan. ‘I suppose they’re similar in that in both there’s an amazing ensemble of actors to play against. But one is the story of a house in England at the beginning of the 20th century, and the other is a tale of mental disorder and a young man in a fictional universe, so there are really not huge amounts of intersection between the two. ‘The only castle we’re in in Legion is the castle of David’s mind! One place where I really noticed the difference between the two sets is the food we’re offered. The catering on American shoots is superb – it beats the Highclere biscuit tin, that’s for sure!’ Having played a drug trafficker and a gun-toting psycho in two Hollywood films, he says, with relief, that he thinks now, at 34, he’s escaped the trap of being seen only as the actor who played Matthew Crawley. ‘Although it’s not a bad thing to be considered a refined man with good manners,’ he adds. ‘But I also think typecasting comes from your own acting choices, and I pride myself in slipping into different modes for different roles. I think that since I left Downton I’ve been taking on such a range of stuff that it’s not a concern of mine.’ It helps that he’s undergone quite a physical transformation since his days on Downton – he’s lost a couple of stone in weight and allowed Matthew’s blond hair to darken to his own natural brown. ‘I actually put on a bit of weight for Downton because it seemed right for the period, and when it was over I lost it quite easily – I just stopped eating lots of bad things and started eating lots of good things, and it went away! The hair colour had actually been Julian Fellowes’s choice. If you remember in the beginning of Downton, Matthew didn’t come in until the very, very end of the first episode after he gets the letter from Lord Grantham. I’d been cast in the role, but they’d already been shooting for two and a half weeks before I came in, and during that time the producers had realised that almost all the male cast members had dark hair. So I had a call from Julian at the last moment, saying, “We’ve got too many brown-haired boys, would you mind being blond?” I said, “OK, fine,” because I was just pleased they’d asked me to dye it instead of re-casting, and as far as I knew the show was only going to last for one series. And then I ended up being blond for three years, although I must say I had a great time as a blond.’ His final Downton scene in 2012 was the crash that killed Matthew while he was returning from visiting his wife and newborn son in hospital. ‘It was strange lying under a car thinking about the past three years and the family of actors I’d be leaving. But it was time to go, although it was a show I’d been proud to be a part of. ‘I’d had to keep the death a secret because we’d been told there were to be no plot spoilers, so that was a little bit weird in the weeks running up. Obviously I knew, my wife knew, and my mum and dad knew, but we all had to sit on the secret. And the way Matthew went was quite shocking, which did upset some people. I actually watched it with my mum because she said she didn’t want to watch it on her own, she wanted me there to hold her hand! She was OK in the end, but I’m glad I was with her.’ It wasn’t only Dan’s mother who was horrified. Matthew’s death caused heartbreak among fans across the world. ‘I was apologising to people for months!’ Dan says. ‘First after Christmas in the UK, and then when it aired in America three months later, so there was a double whammy of grief. But I’ve had other things come out since, and people are starting to see what I’ve been up to, and beginning to understand why I did it.’ While being involved with the X-Men might in years to come impress his son Aubrey, who’s four, Dan says his upcoming role in Disney’s Beauty And the Beast has won him considerable clout with his seven-year-old daughter Willow. In the live-action remake, in which he sings and – once again – dances, he plays the arrogant young prince who’s punished by being transformed into the Beast. ‘Our family watch a lot of Disney movies but that’s a particular favourite. My daughter loves books, and I think the character of Belle appeals to bookish, wordy young girls, and she’s no exception. I brought her on set on the day we did the ball sequence at the beginning of the film – the prince is dancing with 60 princesses in big meringue dresses and beautiful jewel-encrusted wigs and she almost lost her mind with excitement!’ Willow’s reaction was less enthusiastic when it came to Dad’s transformation into the Beast. ‘She said I look like a hippo! I’m in a giant muscle suit covered with grey lycra, and I wear stilts that take me about 10in taller than I am, to 6ft 10in. I had to work hard to get my body into the right shape to walk around on those stilts – I wish I could have had feet that just screwed on and off but that wasn’t possible, so it was quite a physical challenge.’ Luckily his co-star Emma Watson was used to characters in strange costumes from her time on Harry Potter. ‘There are few actresses in the world who’ve worked with this kind of technology as much as Emma; she’s grown up with it, so it’s second nature to her. It also helped that she was very nice, very intelligent and engaged with the story.’ When Dan’s not working, he’s relaxing in the home in Brooklyn he shares with his family. ‘Upping sticks has been a great adventure,’ he says. ‘I’ve loved New York since I first visited years ago when I was in a play. I stayed with a friend on the Upper West Side, and I fell in love with New York so much I’d walk from his apartment to Brooklyn just to be part of it. It was a wonderful experience. I always dreamed of living there, and I’m very excited to have made that happen.’ And he can safely say he’s finally moved on from poor old Matthew Crawley.   Legion starts on Thursday at 9pm on Fox.

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-4187644/From-Matthew-Crawley-awesome-superhero.html#ixzz4XhmIlOAb 

Good to read - so much to appreciate in Dan’s intelligent and thoughtful approach to his roles....and... that hand-hold would have been welcome here too!

Jonda cynecki hasn't seen her twin sister Wanda in 13 years and doesn't hold out much hope that she ever will. Their last contact came at a family gathering in Ohio for Christmas, after which Wanda returned to her home in Key West, Fla. Then she disappeared. She didn't call, didn't write and couldn't be reached. When her parents died several years later, her siblings had to use intermediaries to get through to her. She called to borrow money about a year ago. Since then, the only sign she's still alive is that no one has heard anything to the contrary. And yet Jonda, 54, a school librarian, says wistfully of Wanda, "There isn't a day that goes by that something doesn't remind me of her."

Usually that something is doing the laundry. Whenever Jonda goes down to her basement to wash clothes, she sees, tucked under the stairs, an old tandem stroller. Her father crafted it from spare parts, painted it white and wrapped rubber around its wooden wheels. Jonda won't get rid of the stroller, even though it provokes sorrow and anger toward the sister who walked out on her family. What Jonda doesn't know--and might never know--is why.

Estrangement from siblings is a powerful ache not only for Jonda but for millions of other Americans as well--especially during the year-end holidays, when the absence of relatives is most poignant. Many of the 77 million baby boomers, now well into middle age, live farther from their brothers and sisters than did previous generations. And with each passing year, they face more of the life passages that often trigger splits with siblings, particularly arguments over the care of elderly parents or over their estates. At the same time, boomers have more divorces and fewer children and are less tethered to neighbors than were their parents and grandparents, so they are more in need of strong relationships with sisters and brothers--the most-enduring ties many of us have in our lives. Eighty-five percent of adult Americans have at least one sibling, yet an estimated 3% to 10% have completely severed contact with a brother or sister.

Such absolute estrangements may not be the norm, but experts who study family relationships believe they are on the rise. Psychologist Carol Netzer, author of Cutoffs: How Family Members Who Sever Relationships Can Reconnect, thinks that today's broader cultural freedoms have made it easier for people to say goodbye to traditions and to relatives. "The nuclear family is not as tight as it once was," she says. Some rifts reflect larger trends. The Woodstock generation, Netzer explains, was full of young people leaving their families to lose themselves in drugs or join religious groups, political movements and communes. "Often, when that ripple in the culture passes," says Netzer, "people go back to their families." Terry Hargrave, family therapist and author of Families and Forgiveness, believes that while the psychological self-help movement has been largely positive, "it teaches the individual that 'you're the most important thing; family is not.'"

The origins of a sibling breach often can be traced to childhood. Psychologist Stephen P. Bank, co-author of The Sibling Bond, observes that eldest children who are expected to care for younger siblings may feel overburdened and resentful. Children born too many years apart, says Bank, may never share common interests or developmental stages. For them, slender ties are sometimes easy to cut.

Nancy B. (who asked that her full name not be used) is a management consultant with a sister older by six years and a brother older by 12. She doesn't speak to either of them but for differing reasons. "The age gap was so significant," she says. As a child, she worshiped her brother, whose trips home from college were cause for celebration. A few years ago, he stopped returning her calls. She doesn't know why.

On the other hand, she was never comfortable with her sister. "There was always tension between us," Nancy, now 52, says. "I couldn't figure it out." Nancy ended contact after the sister attached herself to yet another violent man, and Nancy felt relegated to the role of caretaker--for someone who didn't want to be helped. The three siblings were last together 25 years ago at their mother's funeral. Nancy still feels the loss, she says, "but my heart isn't breaking anymore. I've figured out a way to be in the world without trying to make love happen where it isn't."

Yet in other families, psychologist Bank says, large age differences can help alleviate competition for toys, friends and parental attention. Some older siblings enjoy being caregivers, often in exchange for adoration. Studies show bonds among sisters tend to be strongest, epitomized by Bessie and Sadie Delany, co-authors of Having Our Say: The Delany Sisters' First 100 Years. And when parents are absent, neglectful or abusive, siblings often fill the void by forming tight bonds, as did the brothers in the movie Radio Flyer.

Major life changes such as marriage, divorce, birth, illness or death can trigger a separation, Netzer says, but usually only if tensions have been building for years. Consider, for example, the case of Michael Carr, 42, a money manager, and his older brother Steven, who ended contact with each other two years ago. When they were growing up, Michael saw Steven, two years older, as his best friend and guardian angel. "We were really close," Michael says. "He was the ringleader in the neighborhood. He was my hero." (Steven did not respond to requests for an interview.)

http://content.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,91424,00.html

n the early '70s, Michael says, Steven became temperamental and less reliable, no longer resembling the person Michael had admired. Steven wasn't crazy, Michael says, just increasingly moody and self-centered. About six years ago, their father was hospitalized, and the brothers went to Florida to see him. They stayed with their stepmother, with whom Steven had a quarrel. Steven told Michael he was going to the hospital to tell their father about it. "It was ridiculous," Michael says. "My father was at death's door, and my brother wanted to complain to him about my stepmother! I had to physically restrain him from going."

Their father died that night, and Michael hasn't seen his brother since the funeral. "I wouldn't be surprised if I never see him again," Michael says. "If I saw him on the street I would talk to him, but I wouldn't let him back in my life. I don't know who he is."

Money issues are a common source of strife between brothers and sisters: Why wasn't that loan repaid? Who can afford the bigger house? How should the family business be run? Behavior outside the family's value system can also trip the switch: coming out of the closet, marrying interracially or converting to a new religion. Then there are cutoffs linked to extreme emotional states, the reasons for which--such as untreated mental illness, substance abuse, incest and violence--may never be brought out into the open.

Wanda's older brother Charles Bucklew has only a few clues as to what might have caused his sister's self-banishment, including her drinking in the midst of their nearly teetotaling Lutheran family. Wanda, who no doubt has her own analysis of the split, never explained; her siblings never asked. And she could not be located by TIME reporters in Key West and New York. "There may be some reason out there that if you knew, it'd bring you to your knees, and you'd say, 'Oh, my God!'" says Bucklew. "But I don't know."

The drive to create sibling bonds or something like them is to some experts primordial--even for an only child. Parents always have a disproportionate power over offspring, but siblings teach peer-level tolerance, loyalty and constancy--qualities that later apply to colleagues, friends and lovers. In moderation, sibling discord is useful, says psychologist Bank. "If the frustration is too great, it cripples you. But we all need a level of frustration in our lives in order to move ahead."

In a 1996 study of people ages 18 to 86, 33% of those surveyed described their sibling relationships as "supportive," and only 11% were "hostile," with the rest falling somewhere in between. "I understand that there is sibling rivalry because I have two brothers and a sister," says Robert Stewart, chairman of the psychology department at Michigan's Oakland University. "But if something came up, and I needed to be on the other side of the country because one of them called, I'd go. There's not a whole lot of people in the world I'd do that for." Most people think of "rivalry" and "siblings" as synonymous and negative, he says, "but I think of it as a close affectional relationship where affection is not necessarily shown in a Hallmark card kind of way."

The sibling relationship of D.B. (who asked that her name not be used) won't ever be confused with a greeting card. As a child, she looked up to her brother, 3 1/2 years older. After his marriage broke up, though, D.B. didn't like the way he treated his ex-wife. Well after the two divorced, he abandoned their original settlement agreement, demanding half the house and full custody of their daughter. D.B. saw his demands as unfair--and didn't think much of his parenting skills. "I just felt he was such a pig," she says. So she stopped talking to him--for seven years. "I come from a long line of grudge holders," she says. "They like their grudges. They air them and walk them and make jokes about them--embellish them."

The silence ended, though, when an aunt died, and D.B. and her brother were the only relatives left to arrange her burial. "I remember thinking, Damn, now I have to see my brother." But the two reconciled somewhat and now talk occasionally on the phone. D.B., now 54, says if she ever needed money, she wouldn't hesitate to ask him for it. She has no money to offer him if the situation were reversed but says, "I would give him lots of time."

Often, estranged siblings are struck by a sudden yearning to reconnect. Says Bank: "Your children leave home, your friends are sick, the leaves fall off the trees, and you say, 'Well, what do I have from my past?' And for better or worse, you've got this sibling who might have been a pain in the neck but who probably knows more about what it was like to live in your childhood home than anybody else."

http://content.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,91424-2,00.html

Yet even for siblings who wish to reconcile, breaking the ice is hard. "The difficulty most of us have is how do you pick up the telephone after so many years?" says Stewart. "People get into a pattern, and even though they're not comfortable in it, they can't imagine an alternative. Or the amount of courage and energy it would take to try to change may be beyond what they're capable of doing right now."

The ability to overlook imperfections for the sake of a relationship is one hallmark of maturity. Siblings may decide to forgive one another once they have their own children. For Mark Horton, 44, a recent falling-out he had with his eldest sister still baffles him. He's not sure what happened or why. Now that they are back in tentative contact, they still haven't talked about it. "It was kind of a Twilight Zone episode," he says. But he does hope things heal. Horton (whose sister declined to be interviewed) says she has done remarkable things for him--sending him money when he was a poor college student and then being the only one to show up at his Harvard graduation. And he wants his four children to know their aunt. "It places them in the world," he says. "They're not comets flying through space randomly; they're part of a solar system."

Reconciliation, experts say, is almost always worth an attempt. But about 40% of the families in Hargrave's clinical practice fail at reconciliation, mostly because when difficult issues get stirred up, no one is willing to take responsibility for what happened. Says Hargrave: "The person who has left just seals off again."

For Douglas Matthews, 49, a human-resources consultant, finally breaking off from his parents and three brothers three years ago brought immense relief--and not just to him. "I see it as the best thing he could have ever done for himself," says his wife Teri-Ann, "and for me and the kids."

Matthews has always been reluctant to discuss his family situation because he felt that well-meaning people just wouldn't get it that his parents and siblings were harmful to his happiness. "I learned early on that very few people understand the positive aspects of estrangement," he says. For decades, Matthews waffled between trying to be part of the family and retreating. He would try to initiate changes but says no one was willing to join in. Over time, and with therapy, he discovered that the yearning he felt was based on an unrealizable ideal of what his three brothers might have been to him. "A real brother would be there no matter what," Matthews says, "and not have an agenda for you--just accept where you are and listen. But it would be unconditional--nothing could break it. And also do the stupid things, you know. Go to a ball game together." But what Matthews has with his wife and two sons is no fantasy. "I have a home," he says, "and that's what I didn't have before. And I cherish it."

Cutting off can be beneficial in some cases, says psychology professor Stewart, if what you're getting is nothing but negativity or grief. But it's "escape learning," he says, and if the other people involved are ever willing to work on the problem, "you won't know it because they're gone."

For 15 years Keith Bearden, 33, had given up on his family, including his elder brother Dean, 38. Their parents' divorce cleaved the family into separate camps, and Keith wanted no part of either one. "I was really angry," he says. He also felt that he, a self-described "meek intellectual," had nothing in common with his tattooed, motorcycle-riding, machinist brother. Then Dean started telephoning a couple of years ago, just to see how Keith was doing. Keith, to his surprise, was happy to get the calls. Dean says he had no particular plan, that he had never even thought about the years when they were out of contact. "If you were never close," he says, "you never miss it."

But becoming a parent got Dean thinking about family, and as Keith says, Dean was never judgmental or bitter about what had happened in childhood. Now the brothers talk regularly. They visit each other every few months and have realized they have the same sense of humor, the same taste for adventure, and they notice the same things--someone's weird shoes on the subway or a cute woman in a bar.

Keith says he's much happier accepting rather than resenting the differences in his family, that it's helped him with all his relationships and that Dean deserves the credit for helping him reconnect. "Dean kept the door open, and I eventually walked back in," he says.

Jonda Cynecki hasn't closed the door on her sister but is at a loss as to how anyone can pass through it. Since the death of their parents, Jonda has felt an increasingly acute sense of the irreplaceable nature of family. "There's that line that connects you," she says of her missing twin, "and I don't know if it'll ever be broken. Certainly when one of us passes away--and she could be gone now--I don't know if I'll ever know that." Cynecki pauses, wipes away tears, and collects herself. "Someday, I really need to find her. But just not today. Not today."