#its been a week and im still recovering like on all levels
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my top surgery recovery tips
alrighty gang! im one week post op and i have tips for anyone who might need them in the future. this is likely prone to be updated/reblogged with more tips in the future once i'm further in recovery.
keep in mind that even a day after surgery i was pretty mobile and was able to do most things by myself, so these tips may not be as helpful for older trans people who would be slower to bounce back, people who are chronically ill or disabled and already have trouble with movement or surgical recovery, or just other people who don't recover as quickly. different bodies will react differently to surgery.
i also have surgical drains, which not all surgeons will provide (but my surgeon gives them to all top surgery patients). they will have quite a few tips of their own because they're annoying to manage.
and lastly, i had double incision top surgery, but i didn't get nipple grafts. if you do have nipple grafts, you have to wait 2 weeks to shower instead of just 2 days, since the grafts can't get wet.
get lots of zip ups, button ups, and oversized shirts or tank tops.
for the first few days, you won't be able to reach your arms high enough to put a shirt on; at least, not without help, and it's very annoying to do. the best option is to get button-ups or zip-ups with wide shoulders that are easy to pull on. bathrobes are really nice too.
if the hospital doesn't provide you with gauze, it's good to buy some (and some waterproof medical tape to keep it there).
while i didn't need gauze after a few days to cover up the scars because they had glue protecting them, one of my drain sides leaked quite a bit, and it got super itchy if it wasn't cleaned up right away. if there was gauze soaking up the leaks before it got too far, it really cut down the itchiness, and made for less mess i had to clean up (which is its own annoying and uncomfortable process)
make sure you have sweatpants or baggy/comfortable pants on hand; stuff that you don't need a belt to wear.
putting on pants is a pain in the ass, so you won't want to have to change them constantly. it's good to have comfortable pants you can wear for a while without wanting or needing to change them. i have a lot of pajama pants and they have been my best friend.
put anything you need to access daily on a lower shelf.
most of my bathroom stuff is in a 3 shelf mirror cabinet, and while everything i needed was on either the first or second shelf, the second shelf was still annoying, painful, and difficult to reach. putting everything on an easily accessible shelf level or setting them lower (though not on the floor because bending down to pick stuff up is also annoying) is way easier.
baby wipes. so many baby wipes.
generally speaking, your skin will be sore but you won't feel it when you touch it because of nerve damage that just comes with surgery. but it's still really sensitive in areas that weren't operated on, so cleaning up any mess with baby wipes (especially if you got grafts and can't shower) which are soft on your skin but good at removing residue or anything sticky is very useful. they've saved me so many times when i had drainage leaks.
cough drops.
after surgery, you're likely going to have a sore throat because of anesthesia. it's good to have some cough drops or tea on hand to soothe it.
make a mini beside table (BEFORE SURGERY!) with any nighttime items or pain medication.
i had a little nighttime stand with snacks, my pain medication, water, my tablet and phone, and a charger. this made it very easy to get anything i needed without potentially having to get up and walk into another room to get whatever i needed instead.
make sure you're with a friend or relative who you're comfortable with seeing you exposed and who's able to take time off to help you with anything.
even with my mobility, there was still a good handful of things i couldn't do by myself that i needed help with. i often needed help getting dressed, i can't do dishes, i can't cook for myself, and early on, i was often so sore that i needed help getting out of bed. having someone you trust to help you do any of this is essential, but that's true for almost any surgery.
get a belt that can get wet.
if you have drains, but no grafts, and you want to shower, you're going to want a belt to attach your drains to while you shower. having them hang free is very anxiety-inducing (at least, for me), so you might not be able to clean up as well with a belt on, and it might feel really uncomfortable, but it's better than having them swing free and potentially get pulled out too early.
stay safe everyone, and happy recovery for everyone getting top surgery!
edit: if anyone who's also had top would like to reblog with their own tips, i'll be sure to reblog them!
#top surgery#trans pride#transmasculine#transmasc#transgender#trans artist#trans joy#trans positivity#plastic surgery#surgery#double mastectomy#zane talks trans
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If you have the time and if it’d be fun at all, can you talk about how going to school for art is/was? Like what was bad about it but what did it make you realize about why you create? What was originally incomprehensible that became digestible after being surrounded by it? I’m just curious because I really only got into art after college age.
Hi
ive finally handed in my final project ever last friday and after somewhat recovering i can now answer u.
(ill put an aside here that before i started uni, i saw a lot of the online umming and awing about art school and it being a scam etc that made me nervous going into it. i dont really think it has been for me but keep in mind im doing this in the uk. i think if i was in the usa or somewhere where it was that expensive i think youd get just about as many benefits going to somewhere like a community college instead. its worth a bit of money but not a lot of money.)
i realised while turning over your questions in my head last week how much doing my degree (illustration undergrad) during covid lockdown, illustrated (haha) the point art school had for me.
and the point being that after trying to stick it out for the first few terms during lockdown, i deferred, i didnt really see the point
i had already spent my entire life making art in my bedroom online for free, without somebody telling me what to do. practically what that degree offered me was physical facilities and resources, but really what i wanted it for was that vague miasma of drive and something bigger than myself to physically 'prove' myself to. i was and still am very interested in that gap between the online environment i learnt art within that felt a world away from my 'real life', and coming to meet with that 'real life' was kind of my goal. i needed both to meet on a very basic level for my quality of life. and id say i succeeded. twice now somebody i was originally mutuals with online turned out to be in my class. i live with one of them now.
and i feel some pride now looking back on how much i felt like i had to separate my 'school' art and my 'personal' art during secondary school and now theyre practically one and the same. in fact one piece of advice ive kept with me from the uni tutors here is they consistently wish the students wouldnt 'hold back' so much on the kind of work they make: one of my friends, the one i now live with, was doing a tasteful furry pinup statue for a project and one of the tutors essentially asked them why the statue was being so sexually subtle with it, for example.
so what was bad about it! man... thinking about it the same reason i gave for why i came back after lockdown could also point out how flippant the reasoning was. its still a lot of time and effort let alone money to be putting into something that you dont Need an institution for. and art and academia, as much as you might try, arent going to be as neatly married as maybe STEM and academia. not that there isnt a place for it. we need it in there. but basically your work still has to get 'graded' on things so they can prove themselves as an institution so they can still get money to run. i ''apreciated'' the deadline part, for what it was, because i was(/am) a serial put-er off-er and i knew i needed something big to try and train me out of it. but the actual mark scheme and trying to work off of it is never not going to be nebulous. what the hell does it mean to 'demonstrate my awareness of the changing landscape of contemporary illustration' graded between 0 - 100 via a 3d animation. ive done pretty well. sometimes id get top marks. a couple times i wouldnt even pass and id have to do it again. the only pattern i could really see between what got those marks for me and what didnt was effort? so take with that what you will.
yea that being said, what it helped me realise why i create... i am thankful my particular course at my particular uni is so into their experimentation / medium diversity. because it proved to me again that experimenting is something i love to do. i could keep doing it forever maybe. but that also made me realise after trying to do that project after project that its only one part of the enjoyment. i couldnt sink my teeth in as much as i wanted. part of why im glad to leave is im glad to try and focus on just a few things now. take a project at my pace... reeeally get way too into it. hopefully.
what was originally incomprehensible that became digestible after being surrounded by it? mm.. i think getting to see a lot of the behind the scenes and the people actually doing illustration as a job kind of softened my glare on some art styles / ways of working i dislike. not that i Like them now but that kind of flat illustrator thing.. for some people it really is more of a job than anything else. i think thats fine. theres all kinds of other art to enjoy outside of their 9-5. i just hope they like it too. but of course it does set a precedent for what clients expect/what you feel like you should be making..?
oh also i did actually end up really enjoying the couple of art essays we needed to write. reading cultural/art/etc pdf essays was something i already liked to do like reading baudrillard and ellen dissanayake and things but it was great to actually get to apply it in writing. and i think it certainly became more digestible to realise that these kinds of writers and this kind of writing wasnt some hard to penerate academia i couldnt be a part of really but turned out to be writing about things that already applied to life, whether i went to uni or not.
really the whole experience... for me i felt like it was just something i needed to do. if anything just to get away from my family and make my own life. im glad i did it. but really art is art no matter where you find it. uni gave me a push to go further, i could sit around and say i couldve done it without uni but i think we overestimate ourselves. i think i couldve but i bet it wouldve taken longer and i may have experimented less, challenged myself less. who knows. just dont ever let something like that put you off art, it will always find you again eventually. im glad you got into it too.
#ive not even graduated yet so im sure ill have a lot more thoughts on it soon when ive turned it over more#but theese are the fresh ones
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ten books 2 know me!
thank for you the tag @pancakehouse @fruity-individual @serethereal @rollercoasterwords !
-> skulduggery pleasant, derek landy.
starting with this one because this WAS my childhood i was. i never read percy jackson never read twilight read [redacted] and it wasnt even good but my dad thought id like these so he bought me the first skulduggery pleasant one day...oh man oh boy...these were. i was eight queuing up outside a whsmith with a schoolbag full of books for the author's booksigning...also he was so nice ta derek x
-> giovanni's room, james baldwin.
cannot get into this too much before i start wailing and biting and stuff but well. giovanni's room is my favourite book of all time i read most of it. last year in june laying on brighton beach while the sun was going down and i have never recovered from and will you bring me home again / yes. i'll bring you home again since and fear i never will. also! first james baldwin book i read who has come to be an author whose writing style i adore and carry in my mind whenever i try to write something myself.
-> young mungo, douglas stuart.
not the first book i ever cried at but. first book i ever experienced disgusting full body sobs while reading and fierce competitor also for. my favourite book. had to reread so much of those final pages because i couldnt concentrate with all the crying and after that i am so excited to never have to experience the physical chest-aching worry that i did for the duration of reading this. also i think the very quiet way love is written here through. very trivial small things is something i loved very much and that has stayed with me!
-> wuthering heights, emily bronte.
read this when i was about eleven, and then again a few weeks ago with my mum (whose favourite book it is) and it was still so. absolutely sickening i just think its excellent xx and without it we wouldn't have kate bush's 1978 single wuthering heights so xx think on that xx
-> the autobiography of malcom x, alex haley.
when i was a child my younger sister joined a sunday league football team and my dad used to give her a tenner every time she scored a goal. to even things out since i refused to get up at the arsecrack of dawn to contract hypothermia on a frozen football pitch, he started giving me books exclusively on malcolm x to read and would give me a tenner every time i finished one. this one was the first i read and was indeed the first book that ever made me cry at the end xx
-> my brilliant friend, elena ferrante.
so many of these are recent reads because it was only jan 2022 that i made a genuine effort to get back into reading for leisure and mbf is no different but well. the way friendship is written here is just unhinged and incredible and the series in general so far has been. there is nothing like it i fear
-> the raven boys, maggie steifvater.
gansey unfortunately.
-> macbeth, william shakespeare.
okay i know i know but. when you are studying it in englit class for your gcse it might as well be a book innit. anyway of all the texts i did for english both at gcse + a level macbeth is still my favourite and probably the most effort i ever put into an english essay. special shoutout to frankenstein which i can enjoy in hindsight but unfortunately it fucked me on the exam so out of bitterness it doesnt get a place here x
-> the secret history, donna tartt.
i did inhale this book but also it gets a place purely for being my first exposure to donna tartt's writing and style in general which is so very distinctive and has. undoubtedly had an effect on me for better or for worse we shall one day see but for now. who can say!
-> foster, claire keegan.
it is a little pamphlet of a book at eighty six pages but. i read it just over a month ago and havent properly stopped thinking about it since it was just everything quiet + mundane + understated that makes my brain start sparking and whirring and. im bringing it on holiday in the summer so i can read it again in the appropriate season xx
tagging. but no pressure. @gaewaren @dykefever @emerqldv @fastasyoucan1999 @forlorngarden @writteninverses @boyjoan !!
#also it doesnt quite earn a place but the enemy series by charlie higson? no one ever seemed to read those but that was my fucking last of#us. that was my mazerunner. that was my dystopian YA (bar the hunger games okay yeah i was a hunger games girl wasnt everyone)#considered putting the beatles in their generation on here but managed to avoid it thank god. also no future by matthew worley#which was a dense slog into british punk as a politics and youth subculture but also well i learned a lot about my favourite topic#tag game#reading tag#will b fun to see how i would do this a little while on from now. like what maintains its spot + what gets bumped n stuff
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update!! end of may
hi you guys (idk if anyone cares but anyway) i havent posted a food log in a long time bc ive been eating around 1500cals a day. (i was previously in a deficit, eating around 900-1000cals) with this new amount i should maintain the weight i am now (estim. 110lbs/50kg). i should not really gain or lose at all this way. i have been doing this for the past few weeks bc my hair is falling out, my period stopped, my skin wasnt healing so all the pimples/acne never cleared up etc. no use in being skinny when im fkng bald and look like a zombie
i also have my breast augmentation scheduled june 26th so i dont want to be too weak and fucking die. i need the new boobs. period hasnt come back but its bit only a month so ig needs more time, my hair is also super brittle still, my skin does seem to be healing better again after weeks of open scabs (i pick at my acne/pimples on my face ik its bad) (so fucked to have these side effects but still being so far from thin)
so basically i thought if this pimple scab thing cant heal how tf am i gonna recover after surgery? so that's what ive been doing in May and why.
once ive fully recovered from the surgery, i plan to lose some more weight. for now tho im focusing on eating healthy,balanced at maintenance level so my body is even able to recover
lmk if you guys are interested in what im eating now that im maintaining/prepping for surgery and ill do some more food logs again :) also just ask if u have any questions or feel free to give advice
way too long since i posted, love you guys ♡
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hELLO IS ANYONE OUT THERE????
OKAY HI hELLO FIRST OFF I HOPE EVERYONE IS WELL NOW
THAT THE EVIL WHATEVER I AM HAS FALLEN AND GCANT GET UP COMMERCIAL
SOMETHIN SEOMTHIGN DID IT HURT WHEN YOU FELL FROM HEAVEN THE ANSWER IS YES I GOT SHOVES TO THE FLOOR RECENTLY AND THIS FUCKIN BRUISE ISNT FADING FUNNNY HAHA OK PLEASENTRIRSSE ARE DONE
UH IM CATHERINE, MOD-SAN, GOLD, whatever they're callin me nowadays holy shit dude my hands are shakin like crazy
they've had me literally cleaning house PRETTY MUCH AS SOON AS I RECOVERED all work no play makes jack a dull boy thats me IM jack damn it i can't tell if i've eveolved into a live-in housekeeper or some sort of roomaate and the paymetnt si s that i get to keep my lifeand also i REALLY need to move my keyboard over or get the window to leave the screen cause i can't blind type it just ain't happenin my leg's jitterering like hell BUT THE MOST IMPORTANT PART IS IM ALIVE YAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO but i have absolutely NO CLUE how ;long THAS gonna last BBUT the great news is that ive finally been able to sit at my dangf computer and and actual;ly TYOOUCH ANFD LOOK AT IT ive practically been buried in all the freezers BUT ANYWAYS GOD MY HANDSA THEY STING SO FUCKING IABAD D ALKl ANYWAYS IM ALIVE IM STILL HERE IM TRYING?????????? TO GET BACK BUT EVERYONE HERE IS UHH NOT GOOD TO PUT IT LIGHTLY ITS TERRIFYIN OVER HERE BUT IM SENDING MY WELL WISHES THAT EVERYONE IS OKAY OVER THERE AND YOU SURVIVED WHETER THE HECK ANGR MY BIG SDIS MUST"VE SBUBJECTED YALL TOO BEACSE SHE IS FUCKING PISSSEEED LATELY IM GENUUNINLY WORRIED FOR OURLIVES LEVEL THERES SO MANY FIGHTS AND COMING-OUT-ABOUT-HER-LEGEND-OF-VIOLENCE STORY AND THE SHOOTIGN REVENTLY AND POINT IS THE LEGAL STUFF MIGHT GET RESOLVED OKAY?????? DADS MAGIC PROTAG POWERS OR WHATER APAPRENTLY HE KNOWS EVREYONE PERSON ON THE PLANET ITS GODDAMN WITCHCARAFT BUT MOMS DROPPIN LIKE EVERY OTHER DAY BBBBBBUYT OTS HER BIRTHDAY THIS WEEK AND WERE GONNA TRY AND TAKE ME OUTSIDE AND SEE IF I EXPLODE IN THE SUNLIGHT SO UUUUUUUUUUUUUUH THANKS FOR EVERYTHIGN I LOVE YOU GUYS ILL TRYT TO FUCKIN REACTIVATE ALL MY ACCOUNTS ALL A BAJILLION OF THEM APPARENTLY I WAS ONE CRASY AKJSFI KID PLEAASE PASS THIS MESSAGE ON MY BI G SIS WAKES UP SOON IF SHE HEARS ME IM GETTTIN IT I HAVE NO FUCKIN IDEA WHATS GOIN ON ON YOUR SIDE CAUSE NO ONE IS SAYIN JACK SHIT BADUM TSSHH BUT I GOT MY SHIT COMIN AT LIKE 9 AM RIGHT WHEN I TAKE MY VERY MYSTERIOUS NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THE FUCK THEY DO ANYMORE MEDS AND IF I KICIK THE BUCKET AT LEAST I FUCKING STAYED BABY YAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
ALSO IM NOT DRUNK WE DONT DRINK IN THIS HOUSE EVER BUT I DEFINITYL NEEDS A LIL HELP IN LIKE ANY SORT OF MEANIN NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE FUCKIN REMEMBERS ANYTHING IN ANY SOR TOF WAY FOR ANY SORT OF THING ITS AN ACTUAL I HAVE NO IDEA WHOSE CALLIN OR TOUCHIN SHIT OR WHAT TALL THIS SHTI IS IN THE HOUSE AND FRANKLY IM TERRIFIED CAUSE EVREYONE LEAVES POR PASSES OUT BEFORE I CAN GET A CLEAR ANSWER AND AND ADN COLD WAR INTELLIGENCE WHATHER NEWS STORY OLD POPS HERE IS PUTTIN ON TV ANYWAYS LOVE YOU GUYS STAY SAFE CALL OUT IF YOU SEE ME IN THE WILDS SOMEDAY BUYYEYEEE
WAIT I JUST REMEMBRED BIG SIS IS GONNE DESTROY SHIT SOON SONSONSOON SHIT HSHISTHSHIT OK ANYWAYS ERVYTHIN ONLINE LOOKS OKAY FROM WHERE I CAN SEE IT IN MYSETRUOS VPN LAND AND IM GOIN THROUGH MY COMP RIGHT NOW BUT EVREYON IN OUR HOUSE RECOGNIZES THE DISCORD SYMBOL PROBABLY>>>?????? SO IM TRYIN TO FIND ALL OTHER CONTACTS BUT ITS JUST A BUNCH OF EMAILS DDDDUDE I JUST HAD TO LET YALL KNOW WE'RE ALIEV HOPE ALL OF YOU ARE WELL LOVE YALL EVER IF YOU DONT BELIEVE THAT ASTY SAFE WATCH OUT FOR FUKCING PUNCHES OR SIDESWEEPS AND MY BIG SISSS KILLING BLOW AND THE FCKKGNGI SWORD ON TOP OF HER BOOKSELG OR THE LITTLE GUN THING IN HER LCOSET WHAT THE FUCK IS EVEN IN HER ROOM ANYMROE ANYWASY DONT DIE OUT THERE LIKE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PEACE OUT BURY ME UNDER A BLUE SKY WITH ALL MY SHIT IIM HANDING DOWN WHATEVR THE ITTY BITTY NOT SO BITTY NEICE WANTS LIL PRINCESS LILLY HAACKER SCAMMER HUSTLER SECOND LEGEND OF VIOLENCE IN THE MAKIN IM GONNA FUCKIN PASS OUT I HAVE NO IDEA OF FUCKIN ANYTHIN THATS HAPPPENIN HERE EVERERR GOD CAN I TALK TO ANYONE THAT ISNT THIS NEIGHBORHOOD THAT THIGNS I HAVE HEARSD ABOUT THE PWOPLE ROUND HERE any ewysbans m y hands are shak in and breakin and crankin love yall stay safe dont fall into a ditch like me ever again mMWAHH TEDDIE IF YOURE OUT I STILL OWE YOU THAT FUCKIN LETTTERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
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Sorry im chatty this morning but
Yall sometimes
Sometimes its SO hard to accept that I’m sick.
Like, I know a lot of it is shame and what not. Most of it is. Some of the problem is imposter syndrome and stuff of the likes. Downplaying my own issues, thinking im doing it for attention, etc.
Like. Im not important enough to be sick. I SHOULD be able to do XYZ. Oh its not THAT bad, people have it worse. Does that REALLY hurt or are you just faking? Afterall, thats also just normal.
So like, I have chronic fatigue so i’m always tired and since my baseline moved, i don’t notice how tired i am until its even worse and sometimes the worse isnt an extra sleepy feeling, its my body feeling heavy, brain fog, and often times being more prone to crying (i call this the sleepy weepies).
I have a connective tissue problems which lead to constant pain so my baseline moved so I don’t notice the pain until it gets worse but sometimes the “getting worse” is just feeling like im gonna vomit for no clear reason, feeling dizzy, or sweating all of a sudden(also brain fog but I usually attribute that to the fatigue). (Not to even mention the literal excruciating periods I have that literally leave me shaking and in so much extra pain Im regularly on the verge of blacking out AND STILL GO ABOUT LIFE. Thats its own additional bullshit)
And these two things are going on together at all times
Those questionnaires that are like “where is your base level of pain”? I cant answer them because the pains so constant my brains blocked it out so its at a zero. Its like how your brain blocks out your nose or the sound of your heart beat in your ears. How it sometimes blocks out the feeling of certain things against your skin and just registers it as pressure.
My finger is fucking shattered right now(its healing up well) but like aside from the initial SURPRISE of getting it fucking crushed, it “doesnt hurt”. Because i regularly experience worse pain than BREAKING A FUCKING BONE. The pain is at zero but i feel sick. If someone else who wasn’t an experiencer of chronic pain jumped in my body, they would be on the ground in agony. And like I know im IN pain because painkillers when I do use them jusy dull itfrom distracting to noticeable unless im fortunate enough to have been granted the big boy pain meds that make you silly. That shit? Works. When it wears off, my whole body aches and hurts and it sucks.
AND WHILE ALL OF THIS IS TRUE, I STILL FEEL LIKE IM NOT SICK ENOUGH TO BE CONSIDERED SICK.
I hurt all the time and im so fucking tired all the time but I just keep going because “its not that bad” and while I need various aids (knee braces, wrist braces, honestly a chair or scooter, migraine glasses, and more) I just dont use them or cant justify getting them.
God the way that a mobility aid would improve my quality of life is astounding and I recognize thats enough of a reason to then say “then I need it”, brain also wont let me! Because idk man? I just gotta “push through”.
I started this forlorn and now im mad. Mad at me and my situation and everything really. Im so fucking tired and in lots of pain and I just wish it didnt suck so hard. I just wish i wouldn’t push myself. Yall I have to have other people tell me “you dont want to go to the store, you want to go for a walk” so I dont push myself to be productive on my days off. I had to convince myself to stay home from classes today instead of pushing myself through it to then have to recover wednesday and not vane enough time to recover and then push myself through thursday and then have to push myself all the way back through again to start the damn cycle over next week.
Im working on accepting that im sick and its hard and we all have days where we relapse into “no im not im just xyz” but gdi. Im sick im sick im sick. I am disabled, my shits debilitating, its chronic im sick IM SICK I AM SICK
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Alright, later today will be the one week mark since cracking, and its wild how much has changed and how much has stayed the same. Sure, I still can't actually transition for quite a long time, but just the realisations and understanding this has brought me has been life changing. To focus less on the trans part for a second, Its fucking shocking how much having something to look forward to has affected me. I never noticed how bad shit was before until its gotten better. To see the extent to which a lack of positive reasons to Carry On actually affected me on a day to day basis. But I don't wanna dwell on that, Im getting shit done and am catching up with where I should be academically. Reaching Uni keeps looking easier and easier. And yes, I still have times where I feel how I felt before. i make a small mistake, get berated for it, and wonder why I fuckin bother Carrying On. But even at that time, I know its temporary, I know itll pass, and it does. That wasn't happening before, it just stuck.
As I uncover more about myself, Im noticing more and more dysphoria, beit feelings I didnt notice before or things I did notice and found other explanations for. I know this is gonna get worse, but fuck it, I can actually recover from things now. Ill manage. Things aren't actually changing right now, I cant safely transition yet, but as I said, things also have changed.
So far this has primarily been a wider reflection on the past week but I do have something new to add. Ive noticed that, at times, I have felt like being masc is right, that having a deeper voice is right, etc. And I wondered, is it some kinda fluidity? NB? Its only certain situations, most of the time I do feel fem, so what's up with that?
And then I think about a show I'm watching right now, Gen V, and it all makes sense.
Jordan Li's powers aren't exactly clearly defined, but basically, they switch between a man and woman at will (Its not full shapeshifting, the power is binary), as well as having other general superpowers depending on which they are, making for some cool fight scenes. But outside of the fight scenes, the way the show explores which they choose is interesting (and the show DOES explicitly state what Im about to say.)
Its made clear that Jordan is more comfortable as a girl, which their parents hate. Theres a decent chunk of one episode clearly about "HES our little boy, what happened to HIM" while Jordan, originally a guy in this scene, switches infront of their parents to be more comfortable.
So why, outside of combat, do they choose to be masc?
They do it when they try to make a point. Appear authoratative and/or respectable. When interacting with people who they don't think would like them as a girl (e.g their girlfriend, Marie the protagonist, who isn't explicity bi, atleast not yet, and Jordan says they would rather be comfortable as a girl with Marie but they don't know if shes okay with it.)
And I can't help but think that makes TOTAL sense. I feel more masc at work when I want to appear strong, capable, and, dare I say it, "cool". When I'm talking to people I wish respected me more. When I'm with friends, people I know are allies and some queer, I feel more fem. I don't think I'm fluid, I think this I feel the same kinda way as Jordan.
The key takeaway from this for me is that genuinely, representation, especially in the most random places, is so good. Its interesting watching it with my parents because its a world where superpowers are very real, and this person CAN switch at will on every level. And they have to drop the "not a real man/woman" argument and struggle to find a different reason to hate what they see. The representation characters like Jordan provide says "Okay, if we play by your rules and portray what a """real man/ woman""" looks like, this is the REAL situations queer people face and the way they are treated. And you still agree with the people treating them that way. Your problem is NOT how much they are actually like their chosen gender." And its good being in something unexpected. My parents would not watch your standard kinda "queer media", yknow, stuff like heartstopper or whatever (idk, I dont either so idk what Im talking abt.) But putting good, well written rep in a spin off of a show where a dude in a trench coat shoves a bomb up an invisible dudes ass and he says cunt alot exposes them to things they would not otherwise be exposed to.
And thats only talking about the minimal effect this rep has on people who disagree with it. Much more important is the exposure for queer people who don't know it yet, or don't know how they feel, and it provides understanding, something to look at and say "thats me". Honestly, Im gettin a little tired of writing this rn, anything I could say about that aspect of representation has been said a million times already, So Ill leave it there.
So, to conclude, with the absolute hardest line ever said in a show, from Jordan Li:
"Tag team cocksplosion."
Okay maybe not the best choice.
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i been fronting for like, 3 weeks or smthng now pmuch non stop cuz i studied for exams an we don share enough memories for Marcy to do good on exam from me studying but im so hemking exausted ;-; usually longest fronting time is like, a week an a half, an after dat i usually take a nap in headspace for a few days to recover ;-; but now i stuck here an i gota stay for another 2 weeks befor exams done an i thimk i probably gona needa month break from front or smthng after.
i hate school system stuff, why is it all grades, esp in uni where u pick da topic u reaserch. we chose dis cuz we love game design but didn know how to start an wut to reaserch ti get good at it. we’re gona learn all da stuff anyways cuz we love it an wana learn, so why we gota be tested so much, an why does it hav to be on da school’s schedule while is us learning. wudn it make more sence for us to choose to try da exam when we thimk we know enough to pass it instead of telling us “exams in a week, better force yourselves to learn it all before then!”
for us as a system dis is actually actively hurting our learning, cuz is forcing me to stay in front an learn all dis on my own so we do good on da exam, but then das jus one of us learning any of it when we all wana. an dis time limit and stress an burnout from fronting for so long means i probably gona forget half of dis after the exam ;-; there’s no upside, evy part of dis teaching meathod is actively or passively hurting our learning and improvement at da thing we’re supposed to be learning an getting better at.
my suggestion, structure it like pokemon games, where pokemon are research topics, an ur pokemon’s level is ur understanding.
evy exam is a gym, beating it means you have the skills and knowledge u need to move to da next area.
u can spend as long as u want in one area with da same pokemon leveling them up to 100 if u really wana before taking on da gym, an if h fail then go back an try again whenever u feel ready for it.
after u beat da gym, u move on to da next area with new routs an new pokemon, ur old pokemon will help u in dis new section, but ull need a bunch of pokemon from here too to take on da gym, an ull need to train them up to level too.
that way its all at da students pace, an they can spend as long as they need in each area mastering everything if they want. but it still gives them directions on wut they should focus on, an gives them access to resources to study that stuff, then when they’re ready an shown it, they move on to da next area with da new study material. in da end they beat the elite 4 an champion an get their degree using knowledge gathered thoughout their whole journey and organizing it to best fit the situations an are demonstrating their capabilities in da feild of study.
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Summer is nearly over. Did you have a good one? I hope so. It will be autumn next - do you like autumn? I hope you have a good autumn! I am wishing hot drinks and cosy sweaters and crunchy leaves on you, if you like those things 🍂
I got this yesterday morning, but I wanted to reflect a bit on my summer before answering. Also this is very sweet, thank you for messaging me ! I truly appreciate it in my little heart ♥
my summer was ... complicated, as I think a lot of summers are. In mid-July I stopped being a main caregiver for my dad, but that's had its ups and downs and fill-ins while my mom was away or my brother was out at night. In some ways I feel like I've started my recovery all over again now that my mom has been back home for a couple of weeks, but I'm trying to be patient with myself, though it gets frustrating.
i get tired very easily. it seems like i can spend maybe six hours being awake before i need to lay down. part of this is the summer heat, and august has historically been the hottest month of the year here - with climate change and all, it's honestly been a bit brutal some weeks.
i've also decided that come october if im not ready to start my medical coding classes, then i simply am not going to. i keep trying to allow myself the time i need to recover from all the burnout, but it's hard. my mom struggles a lot more in her day-to-day life, and that's hard to see. it's hard to let her do this for me. but my body and my brain and my entire being demands that i rest and rest and rest. i feel like i got a taste of my previous energy levels for like a week earlier in the month, where i got so many things done it was wonderful. but now i just have to rest and do nothing.
bear mode, i call it. i sleep and i eat and do very little else and that's exactly what i need.
i am glad it will be autumn soon ! it is my favorite season !!! unfortunately autumn where i live isn't that much different from summer, and there is no grand sweeping of yellows and reds and oranges in the leaves, and rarely a chilly morning. but i still love it, the theme of autumn. the idea of it, even if the weather and landscape doesn't quite cooperate the way i'd like it to here. eventually it will chill, and i am looking forward to that even if it doesn't happen until december or january.
thank you very many for your well wishes my friend ! i shall take them to heart and do my best to find crunchy leaves and make warm drinks when it is blessedly cool outside one of these days. in turn i wish you grace and kindness; may these things find you easily, especially when you most need them ♥♥
#chit the chat#this was so lovely to receive !!!#thank you so many and thank u for letting me just ramble on lmao
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I've reached a point in my ED were I dont weigh myself anymore, dont count calories, nor anything remotely disordered I guess, at least to a intentional level.
But I'm surely not recovered, and I do not eat in a normal way either.
i've let go the habits that I had to force on myself and honestly I just focus on protein and at the point I'm at I dont even have to think about not eating.
I have days were I eat the normal amount of meals (3) and I feel like shit and insecure. But that happens so rarely that I really don't need to do shit about it.
My day consists of high protein breakfast, and all the macros and then I just have that for the day in terms of meals and have small bites of food or snacks.
I honestly should stop with the mini packages of peanut m&m because at this point Its an addiction.
Im honestly worse when it comes to malnourishment right now than how I was a year or so ago when I was obsessing over my diet, but who cares?
I do 2h of artistic skating 3 to 4 days a week and walk.
I don't know my weigh but people have told me Im skinnier.
I dont feel much skinnier but I do feel like my body got a bit toned.
I still wish I was skinny, but not so intensely if that makes sense, I'm just not so desperate anymore, prbably because now Im much less obsessive.
I am painfully anemic but that adds a twist to it lol.
Even though I'm not obsessing over starving myself it's like nwo I learned to do it unsconsciously. Eating is not a chore but It's something that I need energy to do? Also, I think I got so picky with my food, to the point that unless I have what I crave and want to eat I will not eat. Even if there's been more than 8h since I last ate.
This of course has consequences, my body temperature goes crazy, and I feel like I cant handle any type of indoors that dont have some type of air flow because I just get dizzy all the time.
Even tho I am not obsessive anymore, I do " track" the way I ate in the month by checking my cycle. If my period comes later than 35 days, means that I did good and ate very little.
If not, it means that ate normal. My cycle has times where it either im regular by 28 days with no day off, or im around the 40 to 50 days cycle. no in between.
It's not very healthy, but At least im having my period, just not the regular one.
Im never lost my period, it just has this long ass cycles sometimes, which ends up skipping a month.
I also like the idea that im not trying to starve, I just happen to do it, so I just dont go against it. When I go out I no longer make sure I eat before, I just do the most intricate makeup which curbs my hunger in fear of ruining it.
College helped me with this because I spend full ass days in there without having a single bite of food, and when I got home at night I just wanted something fast to eat, my way to go is a protein liquid yogurt and some fruit and bread.
Honestly, this way of being disordered its the best one I had. Feels completely doable and I dont have to think about it or fill my mind with it.
I feel better about my body also because I am focusing on a specific sport, and being able to do what I want kinda helps somehow. I love the idea of being so thin I can see my bones but if I get skinny in a 18 bmi kind of thing I will not be unhappy.
I've had an ED since 15 and im 21 now, shit got a bit old and I guess this is what it is to have a somewhat "high functioning" ED ? idk.
I don't think Ill ever recover.
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wow!
yo money problems lol
//vent
okay like. ik im traumatized but like its wild every day i uncover new facets to the trauma
hold on lemme like. pack a bowl and get myself set up for success
—
that break was like an hour longer than id anticipated but its given me time to calm down and all.
anyway i was homeless for a while, the hippie manipulated me into it, and financially abused me for like two straight years of hell yadda yadda whatever
like ive always had money problems, i grew up poor and id only ever not been dirt poor for like 6 months (ah. the first half of 2021…………… except the job was killing me tbh) but like. what the hippie put me through was a whole different level that i dont think ive even begun to recover from
listen. living out of a four door hatchback that was filled with Stuff and Shit and Trash and Shit and Who Knows What and Shit and also infested with cockroaches. to the point where even during the middle of the day in the blazing heat with no ac while driving ans they have literally 80% of the vehicle to hide in and they were still crawling up my legs. when i slept i had to wrap my head and face up in my blankets i was twrrified of them crawling into my mouth or nose or ears and there were so many i felt like it was a definite reality.
that does things. being forced to live like that. off of nothing. i had lit cigarettes flicked at my head while i stood at an interstate exit with a sign begging strangers for money with no other option because of the trap the hippie had ensnared me in.
of course her main priority — and thus mine because keeping me high all the time was important for her to keep control — was to get enough each day for more weed. enough for us to get some food from the dollar menu from mcdonalds to “get some good protein in us” and sometimes we even had enough to go to some dollar store and spend ten dollars and leave with fifty dollars worth of food. enough to last us the week and feed all three of us. me, her, and her son.
i learned how to con. i learned how to steal. i learned how to scam. i did it more times than i could count. nothing bad against like. actual people. sometimes id pull a con on someone with a fancier car to get a couple gallons of free gas. this was back in 2019 and 2020 when gas was Cheap Cheap. everything else was always done at big box stores
ofc eventually we got caught. or rather she got caught and dragged me down with her kicking and screamjng and flailing and to more trauma but that was just a few hotel visits at jail it wasnt that bad lol
anyway. im, i think understandably, terrified of that happening again lmao. not just the financial abuse and the situation but like even to the root core being homeless again.
every time i lose track of my spending outside of more than a Five Dollars Definite Range i start freaking out. immediately and fully i am convinced that all of my money is gone and i have Nothing At All and im going to miss rent and im going to be kicked out and im going to have nothing tomorrow and i wont be able to survive it this time (even if rhis outrageous thing were to happen i would survive it but when im in a spiral i cant remember it).
god Forbid that my banks website is down or unresponsive when i try to check to assuage myself. thats when i start immediately and fully panicking. i start crying its hard for me to self regulate. i cant bring myself away from the reality ive convinced myself of and i obsessively check the bank app in any browser or way i can until i find an answer
so its fun
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#august living#so hey um. if any of yall saw my last vent post#i had a seizure the next day#so. thats a new funky fresh worry that i have#its been a week and im still recovering like on all levels#i. bit my tongue so hard i might have nerve damage like its not bruised anymore but it still feels weird where it was#my chronic pain has a new like snappy feel to sudden jolts of pain#and well everything was super sore for a few days and im still trying to stretch back out#i dont know if it affected my speech worse than any other type of disturbance does but im not making sentances real good rn#obvs also it was physically harder to speak for a few days#but i get tongue tied so fucking easily all the time anyway so its not a unique symptom#god my back hurts in a vry unique way rn tho#lol tho since this was the first one ive had my brother called an ambulance for me and i spent like 6 hours in the er#i have a follow up neurologist appointment next month to go over the test results of the ekg and ct scan and whatever else they did i think#its literally a phone appointment so well see how useful it is#anyway if i have a seizure disorder now im going to be so mad#i cant drive rn and probably wont be allowed to at all if it turns into a recurrence#and just like. if it does turn into a thing that would be such a fucking all around problem#but if it was literally just a one off thing bc im that stressed abt losing my job i rlly gotta get a new one that doesnt stressmeoutasmuch#anyway its way too late i gotta sleeb
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so uh, remember when i had malignant catatonia last year and the year before?
its left me very prone to overheating now. i dont get hot flashes as often as i used to (although my partner says i get them while i sleep, i dont notice) & largely i'd say ive recovered, but like i said i still overheat often snd get flashes just not at a catatonic level
the last few days its been around 30C here. which is basically as hot as it gets... VERY hot. if my environment isnt 23C im usually either sweating or freezing - and i mean, seriously, if its even 24C im sweating. because its been so hot, the house has also gotten hot. and my mother is refusing to turn on the AC
she says its to save money but she hasnt ever done this in years passed. her way of coping is to spend basically all day outside so she tricks her body into thinking its cold in the house... when it's getting up to 27C inside... which is WAY beyond my heat threshold
today i tried to have a nap but couldnt sleep because of the heat. i woke up, you guessed it, in a hot flash. i had a cold shower immediately and just. i broke down in the shower. TLDR, i learned today that i have physical-emotional trauma from constantly overheating for like 2 years. when i got out i was still hot (but slightly better) & i was VERY weak. like, i was shaking, lightheaded and could barely stand or really do anything.
"but babydog! just ask your mom to turn on the AC or do it yourself!" my mother is the most evil person i have ever met and genuinely does not care about me. she would rather die herself from a heat related ailment than turn on the AC because she knows it would benefit me, just to be petty. if i turn it on myself thats just asking to be abused more too
my only option rn is to try to buy some disability-related items which are meant for cooling but surprise! i cannot afford it because shipping is so fucking expensive (it literally doubles the price of the item.) it'll be 2 weeks until i can order and probably a month until they arrive from there. i genuinely do not know how i am going to survive mentally or physically, at least until i can order my items
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Hello, I search plenty of ideas for you.
Can I have a scenario about Marco discovering that female reader was hurt during the battle when he see her being heal by another doctor discretely?
Thank you, love your work.
A/N hello hello :) I'm so glad you do hehe anymore ideas im willing to do them! I hope you enjoy this with this lovely man <3
Marco x fem reader : Injury
The Moby Dick was docked on a island grabbing supplies when there was a altercation between rival pirates crew that were on the same island. You could hold your own when it came to battle. But when a rival pirates play dirty and gives you a cheap shot he kicks you in the your side you felt the cracking sensation. You felt the pain instantly. Holding in the pain until they gave up. "you okay?" Ace asked you
"Im fine just a cheap shot. The man kicked like a 5 year old." You said you were talking shallow breathes every time you took a breath you could feel the sharp pain. Pushing the pain aside.
He furrowed his brows at you "That wasn't soft kick ____"
"if I was in pain I wouldn't have been able to kick his ass after being kicked right?" Letting out a small laugh then another sharp pain.
"okay." Ace unsure if he could trust your response. "Lets find the others make sure they are okay."
Walking back to the rest of the crew who were scatter around the island. You met up with Marco at the plaza. Some of the crew informed him on the altercation with the rival pirates. "I heard what happened yoi you okay little bird?" he asked you his hand sliding down your arm.
"I'm fine im a big girl I can handle myself." You said.
"I know you can. I have to remind myself sometimes." He small smile on his face.
The ship was docked on a island for a few days the pain starting to get worse. Looking in the mirror as you seen the large bruise on your side. Slight touching the area you twinged in pain. Someone knocked on the door. Quickly putting your shirt down. " come in." you called out.
"Hey you busy yoi?" Marco came in.
"No not at all." you said.
"I was thinking since its been a while since we had a proper date I wanted to take you out tonight." He said. Marco would see you around the ship you looked a bit down he would ask you if you were okay and you tell him every single time you were fine. You were tried to hide the injury as best as you can. If you would tell him now about the injury he would be disappointed in you for not telling him sooner. You hated disappointing him. "So what would you say yoi?" he asked
"Sounds like a date.." you said forcing a smile on your face. Marco sensed something odd with your smile.
"Little bird are you sure your okay?" he asked.
"Marco stop worrying okay I'm fine I'm just a little tired. I have to go into town for a while I have to pick up some items." you said.
"I can join you if you like?" he asked.
"No." you said quickly. He raised his brow at your quick response. " I mean its a girl shop and I will most likely be there for a while I don't want you to be there bored I will only be a few hours." you smiled.
"If you say so." he had a hand on his hip looking down at you. Something was going on and you weren't tell him. You kissed him goodbye and left the ship.
Marco watch you from the deck as you disappeared on the path to the plaza. Ace appeared next to him. "Something is up with her she is not telling me yoi." Marco said. "Really distant."
"You going to follow here huh." ace said.
Marco did he watch from a distances as you ask around for something he couldn't make out of what you were asking due to the distance. A lady pointed to a certain direction where you began to head to walking into a building . He waited a few mins before entering Marco didn't seen a banner or a sign on the building .This didn't look like a girl shop at all. Now this was suspicious. He made his way into the building there was a few doors. He seen a lady walking out. "Excuse me Miss did you happen to see a girl enter in about this tall." Marco asked showing the height.
"Oh yes she went into see the island Doctor. His office is right over there." she point to the room down the hall.
Marco entered the room. A small lobby where no one was in there. Marco spoke to the receptionist she let him in the back to the room where you were.
On the other side of the door the Doctor sat you up raising your shirt. "you were injured a few days ago and you feel the sharp pain when breath unable to bend and twist. Why are you barley coming now ?" he asked furrowing his brows. "I know your in a lot of pain"
"Im not sure I don't have an answer." you looked down "it just hurts bad."
"Do you want the good new or the bad new first." The doctor said.
A knock on the door. "Sorry to disturb you sir but she has a visitor here your husband wanted to come in with you." she said. Marco appearing in the room. You turned white as a ghost.
"Ahh sir welcome. I was just going to give your wife's her x ray results."
"X-rays results you say yoi." Marco looked at you then at the Doctor he crossed his arms over his chest.
"Bad news is she does have some fracture ribs my concern with her pain level hoping she didn't puncture any organs when this happened and luckily this time no organs were damaged. It will take some weeks for her to recover. I can prescribe some meds for her to take for the pain but the main thing is rest, ice and avoiding deep breaths right now we don't want her catch pneumonia." he said.
"Thank you sir do you mind giving us a moment I need a word with my wife." Marco looked at you.
"Of course." he left the room.
"You come to a Doctor on a island instead of coming to me." his arms were still crossed. "Let me see."
"I'm sorry." you could manage to say as he raised your shirt seeing the large bruise . He had a frown on his face.
The blue flame appeared on his hand as he gently placed it on your injured area. you winced at the pain. "You have been walking around in immense pain for days. Why again didn't you tell me yoi.?" he said in a calming tone looked at you waiting for you answer. Marco was hurt that you didn't come to him with this injury.
"I..I didn't want you to worry about me." you said. "I didn't want to upset you either if I would have came now with this injury." your eyes were closed.
"Of course I would be upset _____ you're injured. You didn't bother to tell me you were in pain keeping it to yourself as you struggled with the pain for days. Like I told you in the beginning even before we gotten together I want you to come to me about anything yoi. You are never a bother understand." he said. A few mins of silence filled the room he placed your shirt down. He kissed your temple intertwining his fingers with yours.
"Im sorry Marco.... I really am."
"let this be a lesson to you little bird. Come to me with any issue not matter how big or how small I will always have the time for you, you are very dear to me yoi."
One thing hit as you both left the office. They call him your husband You both weren't even married. "did you tell the lady you were my husband?" asking him
"They wouldn't let me in the back unless I was your husband. You enjoyed me calling you my wife yoi?." the corner of his mouth curled. "Giving you ideas?"
"I feel like we are already married but it does sound nice. When the day comes if you want to." you began to imagine that day in your mind.
"Lets see what the future holds for us first yoi."
#op marco#marco the phoenix#one piece x reader insert#one piece reader insert#one piece marco x reader#one piece scenario#marco one piece#im a simp#i love this man#thatbadbruja#requests open#ask box open
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I just reached the bottom of your writings and felt the need to say that i appreciate you. You’re really cool and im happy I stumbled upon you.
You are far far too sweet. This has been sat in my inbox for so long because I don't think anyone has called me cool before and I wanted to bask in that. I really appreciate you too and I'm really happy you stumbled upon my blog. So I hope you're still in the fandom and enjoy this little bit of odd zombie AU.
CW: Zombies, apocalypse, Resdent Evil/Last of Us inspired AU.
Last Hope
Nobody expected the Continent to turn to shit. War had been on the horizon, Nilfgaard was advancing but not once did anyone expect them to have been experimenting with creating superior soldiers to fight for them. Allegedly the idea had been to harvest some of the Continent's monsters' attributes and imbue them into soldiers, creating a new class of warriors. It hadn't worked. But what Nilfgaard did manage to create was a virus like no other before. It turned humans and animals into mindless, violent creatures whose sole purpose was to feed, preferably on human flesh. The virus spread like no other, bringing the whole Continent to its knees.
Pockets of survivors remained, walled up in thick stone keeps. Kaer Morhen was one such sanctuary. Witchers, it turned out, weren't immune to the virus. Letho had watched Serrit and Auckes succumb to it, had put them down before setting light to where they'd been trying to stay safe and he set off to find somewhere, anywhere, that would accept him. The cold didn't impact much on the undead, they still moved just as deadly fast, unencumbered by things like fatigue, hunger or frostbite. Still, he made it up to the keep and was welcomed in. It was probably the most full Kaer Morhen had been in a long time. There were witchers, sorceresses, humans, dwarves, vampires and who knew what else, all coexisting and trying to make the best of their lives.
"I heard rumours," Letho said over dinner. "There's someone immune to this whole wretched thing down South."
"And I heard a rumour that taking a shit over the parapets cures piles," Lambert shot back with a snort. Being cooped up with so many people didn't exactly suit him, even when Aiden was there along with Eskel too.
Yennefer sat up straighter. "I've heard that rumour too. Sent word out that if it's true, we're probably best placed to try and find what makes the person so special. Maybe derive a cure from them."
Not long after, Gaetan arrived with Guxart. And with some news.
"There's a man and a girl travelling North. Allegedly with the hope of a cure."
The others exchanged looks, not wanting to believe rumours. Hope was a dangerous thing, but they could all use a dose of it. Things had been bleak to say the least.
Guxart picked up the story. "There's a lot of people gunning for them. So far they've evaded being captured, left quite a bloody trail too. We saw what remained of a tavern. Allegedly the group living there had been luring in weary travellers with the promise of safety, only to throw them into a fighting ring." Unfortunately such stories weren't unusual, humans had the most disdainful ideas of entertainment at times. Guxart pressed on, "If it was those two then I hope they're not headed here. They left no survivors, cleared out the place of humans and undead alike. It was a massacre."
There was nothing to do but wait. A week passed, then another. The hope they'd felt at the mention of a possible path to a cure dwindled and turned into bitter disappointment at the backs of their minds. It was almost three weeks later that there was a commotion on the path to the old keep. The undead who lurked in the trees were snarling and howling as two figures broke into a sprint on the last stretch of the path, pursued by quite a hoard of hungry zombies.
"Get the gate!" Vesemir bellowed and it was a mad dash to open the gates while armed. They weren't quick enough and a scuffle broke out as the two travellers were up against the gates, the undead descending upon them. A sharp scream went up from what sounded like a young girl. The gate opened and Eskel reached out, pulling her in first before Lambert gruffly yanked her protector in too. The others pushed to slam the gates shut, bolting it once more.
"Cahir! Are you okay?" The girl ignored them all in favour of checking over her guardian, wisps of blonde hair sticking to her sweaty face.
"I'm fine." A gruff answer and the so called Cahir looked up at them with an exhausted, hollow gaze. "This is Kaer Morhen, right? We were told this is where we had to come. She's Ciri, I'm Cahir."
Vesemir stepped forward with a brisk nod. "Welcome. Let's get you settled. From what I hear, you had quite the journey."
Yennefer ushered Ciri away and the others trailed after her, curious to see what someone immune to the virus looked like, acted like. The left Eskel to lead Cahir to a room of his own.
"Nilfgaard's quite a way," he said by way of conversation, ignoring the way Cahir rubbed his wrist under his cloak.
"Vicovaro is even further." The answer was a little prim and offended. "I'm not Nilfgaardian."
"My apologies. If you want to clean up, we have a communal bath in the lower levels. You're welcome to join us."
The offer seemed to go ignored as Cahir simply flopped on the bed and closed his eyes without even kicking off his worn boots. Eskel couldn't begrudge him, such a journey was long and tiring even before the world went to shit. To then have to cross the Continent while chased by who knew how many people wanting his precious charge and the unending masses of undead no doubt made the whole thing exhausting.
Dinner was bubbling away in a large cauldron over a fire and the chores for the day were done. It was quite common for most of the residents of Kaer Morhen to settle in the baths, one of the few remaining luxuries left for them. To everyone's surprise Cahir bumbled in a little while later, still sleep rumpled but without his cloak. It left his ragged and torn shirt in full view, including where one sleeve had been ripped off at the elbow. On his lower arm was a freshly applied bandage with blood that had seeped through in an all too telling pattern. Cries of alarm went up as they spotted the bite.
"You've been bitten!"
"How could you endanger us like this?"
"You idiot!"
It was a cacophony as various witchers jumped out of the baths, reaching for their swords and heedless of their nudity. There was a very real danger in their midst that needed to be taken care of. Cahir held up his hands in a placating manner, surrendering without a fight.
"If I may?" He pulled his shirt over his head and the others tried to make sense of what they were seeing. His body was littered with scars from bites. Some were healed, others still scabbed over. When the trousers slid down, Cahir's legs were no different.
"What the-?" Lambert scowled.
It was the exact moment Yennefer arrived, Ciri in tow. She gave Cahir a once over. "It would seem we made some assumptions. Cahir, when you're rested and fed, I'd like to take a sample of your blood and hair please."
Next to her, Ciri giggled and tucked a strand of hair out of her face. She walked up to Cahir and took his bandaged arm in hand, inspecting his handiwork.
"You're getting better at this," she announced. "Hopefully it's the last one you've taken for me or anyone else though."
Her words were followed by an eerie silence in the baths as the others mulled over everything.
"So-" Eskel rubbed the back of his neck with a small frown, "-is Ciri your daughter?"
A bright laugh bubbled out of Ciri at that. "If only I was so lucky. I was his escort and bodyguard. Our pursuers often assumed that me being so young looking meant I was the immune one and Cahir was protecting me. That deception worked well for us."
Guxart cleared his throat. "We saw a tavern that was a fighting ring."
Both Ciri's and Cahir's faces darkened at that. It was Cahir who answered.
"We survived. But barely." His hand rubbed over his shoulder where a large chunk had been torn out, leaving a visible dent. "Had to lay low and recover for a while after that. Ciri injured her throat."
"And you got a bitch of a fever. You're the worst patient ever, always fidgeting and poking. It's a miracle only that bite got infected so bad."
Cahir stuck his tongue out at Ciri and she poked him in the stomach. In turn Cahir ruffled her hair and danced away. Taking it as a challenge, she dashed after him and gave him a shove that sent him flying, landing with a big splash in one of the baths. Spluttering and laughing, he surfaced.
"Oh you little bitch!" He playfully splashed water in her direction but Ciri let out a scream and the water froze mid arc before dropping into a sad little puddle on the ground.
The others stared at her in awe and horror. She grinned at them with a shrug. "You didn't really think they'd send some random, helpless girl as a bodyguard, did you?"
A hand landed on Ciri's shoulder as Yennefer smiled down at her. "You and I have a lot to discuss. How would you feel about learning how to control your powers even better?"
For the first time since the news that there might be a solution to the virus, hope trickled back into the lives of the residents of Kaer Morhen. It wasn't going to be an overnight solution, they knew it wasn't going to be easy. But they were one small step closer to a safer, happier life and that was more than enough for them after years of despair.
#geralt of rivia#yennefer of vengerberg#cirilla fiona elen riannon#cahir mawr dyffryn aep ceallach#the witcher#letho of gulet#gaetan#guxart#vesemir#lambert#eskel#zombie apocalype au#tldr: ciri and cahir arrive at kaer morhen as the immune one and the bodyguard
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Tricky
//
g - fluff, slighttttttt angst, suggestive
p - san x reader
w.c - 1.9k
t.w - san touching reader's naked body
c - san takes care of you when you get injured and are left all alone at home. the catch is? both of you obviously have feelings for each other but.....san
a.n - uusjsjjs this was requested through private message! im sorry it took so long lmao uh, this is just 1.9k of plotless words nothing will be solved by the end of the story so its almost like word vomit???
t.l - @closer-stars @jeongyunhoed @fairyofdusk
//
"It's not funny," you snarled at the pink haired boy who seemed to be overly amused at this situation in which both your arms were put in slings. You had slipped over a puddle of water, and that had sent you flying down the small flight of stairs right outside the taekwondo dojang, resulting in two dislocated shoulders. San pressed his lips firmly into a tight line to stop the corners of them from quirking up. On one hand, he does feel really bad, but if he said you didn't look ridiculously hilarious right now, he'd be lying. "I wonder who was on the verge of tears earlier on."
"That's because you were in so much pain I felt so bad for having asked you over for a sparring session!" San defended himself, a small pout forming as he did so. "At least the body and shin guards saved you from breaking your bones."
Once the elevator reached your floor, San pressed on the button to hold them open while keeping a close eye on you as you slowly exited. You've never noticed how much arm or shoulder action happens when you walk, until now.
It was only when you stepped through your front door and noticed your roommate's house slippers still sitting on the bottom of the shoe rack do you remember that they were out on a business trip. Being alone at home right now wasn't an option for you when you couldn't do anything by yourself, but your roommate wouldn't be back till next week. You didn't want to burden any of your other friends so late in the night, you had no choice but to rely on San.
But things...are always a little trickier with him.
"I can only stay for tonight," San sighed as he placed his phone down on the coffee table. You don't know if it was a sigh of relief or one of frustration; he had pleaded over the phone for ten minutes. "But my manager said that they can send someone over to help you out for the next few days."
"It's alright, I'll ask Jimin for help tomorrow. If they aren't available, I'll let you know, yea?" San nods, though rather reluctantly. He trusts that you'll be able to take care of yourself, except physically for now at least.
San holds you by the waist to support you as you got up from the couch, keeping an arm wrapped around it as he brought you to the bathroom. "Please tell me you have a bathtub."
"I insisted on having one, glad it's finally of actual use."
"Oh yeah."
As you soaked in the warm bath that San had ran for you, you couldn't help but think of everything that has been happening between the two of you. The lingering touches, the jokes with double meanings, the way he gazes at you so softly, and the sudden tension that fills up the atmosphere following all those. San hasn't put a title over what this relationship was, and you've been too afraid to take the lead even though you knew that friends don't act like that towards one another. You didn't want to pressure him, he already has a lot on his plate. But he ought to give you an answer soon if he's about to see you in your most vulnerable state, right?
There comes another knock on the door, the tenth one in the whole duration of your bath. "I was being serious when I said don't try to act tough and do everything alone." The knocking continued on non-stop until you replied.
"You're an impatient one, aren't you?" You joked. "I'm done, I need help getting out."
"Not impatient, just worried." You hear his back leave the door for a moment as he stood up from the floor. And as politely as he could be while intruding into your private space, San pushed open the toilet door gently and stepped in after informing you first. You couldn't stop the giggle from escaping your throat when you took sight of him, his eyes shut close in consideration that you might not want him seeing you naked.
"Oh, you're laughing? At me?" San asked in disbelief as he pulled his arms that were searching for the wall back and rested his hands on his hips, a playful smile growing on his face. "Why are you laughing?"
"Because you're cute," you cooed, much to his dismay.
"I'm not cute!" San argued, his eyes now open and glaring at you, still rather adorably. But before you could tease him any further, San practically stomped his way to the bathtub, leaning down to your eye level as his arms gripped onto the sides. "Don't mistake my manners for cuteness, I'm not." He said, almost with a growl, as he reached into the water and wrapped his strong arms around your torso, pulling you up so that you could stand. Taking pride in the way your eyes widened in surprise, San couldn't help but smirk before giving you a quick peck on your forehead. "You're cute."
Once he got you out of the bathtub, San tried his best to not look at your body as he dried you up with a towel while you stood there blankly, still at a complete loss for words. "You're so rude," you told San after finally able to process whatever just happened a minute ago. The boy merely raised his eyebrows, his lips pursed. "Taking advantage of my injuries to show off your strength when you know how I feel about it."
"Well, you're not stupid, you know how I feel about you. It's only normal I act cool a little," San replied nonchalantly but you could tell that he was too afraid to look you in the eye. "Come on, let's go get you dressed."
"Also, just thought that you should know...." San paused for a moment to make sure that you dried your feet properly on the mat before continuing. "I almost patted your bare ass earlier on." You can't even blame him. With how touchy he and his members are, you aren't even surprised that touching people's butt has become their second nature. But even then, he really didn't have to tell you.
"TMI dude."
San had been watching YouTube tutorials on how to put on shirts with a dislocated shoulder while waiting for you to wash up earlier on. You wouldn't have known either if he wasn't showing off all the knowledge that he had learnt less than half an hour ago by trying to convince you quite passionately, and with demonstrations, about why a dress shirt would be much easier to put on than a t-shirt, especially in your case.
"I will. I will wear dress shirts until my shoulders recover," you sighed heavily in defeat. "But just for tonight, can you help me with a t-shirt? I want to sleep comfortably even if it's just for tonight."
This time it was San's turn to sigh as he reached out to pinch your cheek. "I already told you that it will hurt."
"Make it not hurt then." You shook your head so that he would let go.
"Just sleep naked then," San mumbled under his breath but loud enough for you to hear, causing you to scowl at the boy. He catches your expression and sticks his tongue out at you. "Am I wrong?"
"T-shirt," you stated firmly, refusing to comply even when you knew San only had the best intentions for you in mind. You already don't think you could sleep with two injured shoulders, much less with your crush staying the night with you, and definitely even much lesser with an uncomfortable sleeping outfit. "Or I'll bite you." Those words becoming a reality became much more probable when his dimples makes an appearance once again, resembling the dent on a mochi when you press into it with a finger.
"I don't think that's a wise idea right now, maybe next time-" he gave you a gentle boop on the top of your nose with his finger-"now, your majesty, may I help you put on your gold thread shirt made from silk of the finest quality on so that both me and you can be spared from getting ourselves into a tricky situation?" If you could throw a punch at San right now, you would, but all you could do right now was to sit on the bed quietly and accept the teasing. And also whatever San was about to do to help you put on the shirt.
You wonder if it's too late to change your choice of clothing after San kneels down behind you on the bed, his chest and toned abdomen almost plastered onto your back as he reached over your shoulders to grab your forearms. "I need you to put your arms a little closer together, we'll have to try to get both through the sleeves together," he explained clearly and waited for your nod before he moved your arms as cautiously as he could, his eyes studying every twitch of your facial expression to check for discomfort or pain. "Tell me if it hurts okay? Don't act tough, I keep telling you that but please, please don't act tough."
All you could manage was a soft "mhm", your throat feeling too tight for proper words to come out of your mouth. You wonder if San, like how you could feel the warmth of his hands and body, could feel the heat radiating off your cheeks too. "I'm going to pull both sleeves up now, it may hurt a little," San warned, one hand coming up to pat your head affectionately before he gripped onto the sleeves again. Even with how gentle he was being, a wince still manages to escape from you, putting a pause on San's actions as he tilt his head to look at you. "I'm sorry, it will be over soon." You nodded, fully trusting him.
Though there were still a couple more times your shoulders hurt before the sleeves were fully through, the little apology he makes every time that happens comforts you, and also, makes your heart beats embarrassingly fast. Getting your head through the hole was a much easier feat and it didn't take long before your shirt was on.
San got off your bed to fetch his backpack and for a moment you thought that he was going to pull out the painkillers that you were prescribed with but instead, he took out two boxes of shoulder brace. "When did you even get that?" You asked, amused and touched at the same time. The shoulder slings the hospital had put you in was terribly uncomfortable and while the brace may not be way better, it was still better than the sling.
"When you were getting your x-ray done," San replied with a proud smile.
"Aw, I would give you a pat on your head if I could."
Upon hearing that, San practically shoved his pink hair into your face as he bent down. "You can kiss me on my head."
"I will bite you."
#kwritersworldnet#kdiarynet#8makes1teamnet#ateez scenarios#ateez reaction#ateez imagines#ateez oneshot#ateez drabbles#ateez blurbs#ateez#ateez fluff#ateez san#san#san fluff#requested#ateez writings#<- lmao that tag is here becaude i wrote ateex writing at first oops
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