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hidden-behind-the-fourth-wall · 5 months

Text

True feelings

Pairing: Crosshair x F!Reader

Words: 9 064

Warning: Angst, fluff, mentions of deaths,

Summary: Crosshair is a dick, but you still love him.

A/N: I haven't double-checked, cause if I did I would have never posted it... I apologise my dear, beautiful anon that asked for this. It has taken ages, but I hope this one is to your liking :) (despite I changed it a bit when I now think abotu it... Sorry :( ) - If you hate it I will try again soon :)

I also post on AO3, if anyone’s interested :)

“You’re angry”, normally his voice would make you melt, but not today. You were tired. You were supposed to go home, take a bath, relax. But here you were, at 2 a.m. patching up that idiot because he couldn’t have just waited until morning.

“Am not”, you barked at him, tapping the blooded wound, a bit harsher than it was necessary, ignoring the little hiss from him. A part of you knew he was exaggerating, as always. A damn drama queen. All this was just a show. The wound wasn’t even that bad. You were sure Tech with his medical knowledge would be able to patch him up. Damn, even Hunter wouldn’t fuck it up. And yet, here you were, bandaging this big baby, because you knew you couldn’t say no to him.

“You’re a terrible liar”, he continued, not getting a point across, that you weren’t in a mood to talk. And so you rolled your eyes and put on a protective layer of bandage on it and sighed, while cleaning up the place around. No reminder of it being clean, before he came to you. “Isn’t it your job to take care of us?” You turned at him and sent him one your death stare, weaker now that you were more than tired. You didn’t even care about fighting him. After all that was what he was here for. Most of the time. Just to annoy the hell out of you. And for some reason you loved that about him.

“You’re welcome, Crosshair!” You murmured and shook your head. There was no way you would get tangled in his little game. You haven’t slept for almost three days, and you really needed your bed right now. And arguing with the Clone would only postpone your rest with at least an hour or two.

“Again, it was your job to help me, so…”

“What's your kriffing problem, Crosshair!” you hissed, angry at yourself he got under your skin so easily. You took a deep breath and closed your eyes, shaking your head. “You know what? Never mind. My job, as you nicely put it, is done here. I’m going to sleep.”

“Must be exhausting to sit in this safe little barrack all day and enjoy the safety of the Coruscant.” That was Crosshair at its best. Despite knowing he was a jerk, despite his words cutting deeper than any knife, despite his overall, misunderstood annoyance towards you, here you are always there for him. Always being ready to help him and his brothers. A one call, a word that he would be back and you would abandon anything only to make sure he was safe. Just like today. In the beginning you would lie to yourself, trying to believe, you were like that towards the whole Batch, but when even Echo gave you that smirk one day, you knew it was a lie. And despite having those bizarre and pathetic feelings towards the Sniper, he was still nothing but a jerk to you.

“It’s how he is”, Wrecker once told you, but you knew it was way beyond that. You saw Crosshair with his brother, hell he wasn't like that even with the Regs. You never asked, too afraid to know the truth. Being close to him in those few moments was enough for you, at least that’s what you believed, what you wanted to believe. Yet another lie.

You didn’t even know how to answer that. Not like he wasn’t right. You were safe here, no War surrounded you, you weren’t on the battlefield. You were just a station medical help. And despite knowing it all, it still hurts hearing him say it. You hoped he would at least respect your work a bit, but it seemed it was again another lie. How many times can a person lie to themselves before it becomes pathetic?

And so you packed your bag, unable to even look at him. Because if you did you would lose any composure, already so damn close to losing yourself to a sob that is threatening to come. Putting everything away, you turned off all the equipment and stood at the doors. When he didn’t move you sighed and turned off the light.

“Make sure you change it in the morning, Corporal.” And you left, not caring how petty it was to call him by his ranks. If he wanted to act like any other Trooper around here then beat it. You would treat him that way. And before you even left the barracks, you let the tears fall down, hoping no one would see you.

***

“I hope you were nice to her.” Hunter murmured, when his brother came back to the ship. They decided to stay on the planet to refill and actually rest a bit. Letting Crosshair get checked up. “She looked tired.”

“Well, she did her damn job, so what’s the issue?” He barked at his brother, walking towards his bed, ignoring the stare from the Sergeant.

“Well, that went well.” Echo murmured, making Hunter sigh in annoyance. “Has he ever told you what the issue is with our little medic?”

“I kriffing wish! He’s just getting more and more snappy whenever he sees her. Like a damn spoiled brat!” Echo chuckled at it and patted his brother on the shoulder. “She’s got a terrible taste in men!”

“I told her the same thing!”

***

It’s been a while since you’ve seen the Batch. They were off to whatever planet and you were left alone again. Well, not really alone. You were surrounded by Clones and Jedi and other medics and yet you felt lonely. And hurt. Crosshair's words were still cutting deep and you couldn’t get them out of your head. Maybe that’s why when the opportunity to join a small team of Clones to one of the missions came up, you were more than ready to join. You’ll show him. You weren’t just a nobody that spends her time in a safe barrack. You are a capable medic, able to do her job wherever. At least that’s what you were telling yourself at night, when you were unable to sleep.

You didn’t know the details of the mission. It was a last minute thing and you were just being lucky (or unlucky, as some thought) that you were at the right place at the right time. A medic was needed and you were a medic. Easy as that. Your first field mission. And so you packed whatever you may need, reading everything that there was to read. At least whatever was given to you about the field missions. Nothing new really. You were meant to stay back and only go out of the hiding when the fight was over, to patch up the actual soldiers. It felt new, exciting, but still you could imagine Crosshair's snarky comment about “always hiding”.

No! It was something new and exciting for you. You would not let that man destroy it for. You will kill that mission and when the Batch is back, you will proudly tell him to shove his opinion up his ass. And maybe, just maybe, he would start to act normal towards you. You didn’t expect him to be nice to you, but at least respect you for a human being, for a medic, for your job.

“You look ready!” You jumped at the voice behind you and smiled, seeing a familiar face. “You packed for at least a week?”

“Yes, Sir!” Cody smiled at you and looked at the special bag near your legs. “I don’t know how Kix does it, really! I packed and unpacked at least five times, unsure what I would need.”

“Don’t worry, kid. Knowing Tech, they would have a nice medical back up on the ship.” Your smile dropped hearing the name. No. That was not possible. Your first field mission could not be with the Batch. Not with him. “You ok?”

“You have got to be kidding me”, something big in your stomach dropped, hearing the sneering hiss behind you. A voice you knew well already. And a voice you hoped not to hear for a while yet.

***

“We need to make sure that these bases are destroyed alright. These aren’t big, but are guarded well, so we would need a special team to infiltrate them.” Cody briefed them in, but you weren’t able to focus. You tried hard not to look at Crosshair who was looking at the map, with the same bored stare as always. Leaning on the wall, biting on his damn toothpick, he looked even more pissed than ever. And that itself pissed you off. He had no reason to act like that. It was your first mission being screwed because he was being a part of him. And yet, that stupid part of you was so happy to be able to go on a mission with him.

“So why do we need a civic with us?” Crosshair finally asked, his glare directed at you, his toothpick still between his teeth, angrily being bitten by its owner. You weren’t sure if you wanted to be that toothpick, or wanted to use it to stab him with it and watch him bleed out. Maybe both.

“Maybe those bases don’t look tough, but there are quite a lot of them there”, Cody answered, looking between the Sniper and you, apparently unaware of the ‘lovely’ relationship between the two of you. “You need a medic, and as we are a bit behind with the Clone medical team, we are accepting the help from civilians. And you will need a medic on that mission. Having only Tech as your medic isn’t going to be enough this time, no offense.” He looked at Tech, who nodded, almost not paying attention to his words, already planning something out. “Our little friend here has saved many asses back at Coruscant. She will be a good help to you as well.”

“Oh, we are familiar with our little medic”, Hunter murmured and you couldn’t help but chuckle, nodding to Cody.

“Who do you think patches them up when they land at Coruscant?” The Commander smirked and came back to the map.

“There is no timeline for this, but I advise you that when you start the operation you don’t stop for too long before you take out the other bases.” His eye landed on Echo and there was a minute, you thought he was about to say something, but he only nodded and left you all, probably going to his own briefing.

“Your first field mission, kid! How ya feeling?” You raised your brow at Hunter and sighed, unable to stop the giddy smile from showing.

“Quite excited if I’m being honest!”

“Great! That’s what we needed a civic for whom that whole damn War is some kind of a game!” You turned towards the Clone and opened your mouth to say something, but stopped when he took some steps towards you, stopping centimeters away from you. You could feel his breath on you, if you raised your hand, you would be able to hear the beat of his heart. “It’s not some night out on Coruscant to get excited about, princess!” The nickname was new, and if it was spoken by anyone other than him, maybe, you would have taken it as a compliment. But the way he spit it at you, it was nothing but another way to hurt you. “Just so you know, I don’t play by the books. You get in our way, I don’t care if you’re a medic. I leave you behind, get that?!” The venom in his voice took you off guard. Yes, you weren’t friends, he always seemed to enjoy bringing you pain, but this was new. The way he spoke, the way he looked at you, it was like you were the enemy. And it broke your heart into pieces.

“Crosshair!” Wrecker interjected, but the Sniper turned and walked into the ship, leaving you all behind. You stared at his back and swallowed, biting harshly on your lip, trying to stop the tears from appearing. “Come on, kid, he didn’t mean it. He’s just tired, you know!” You nodded and sent the boys one of your most beautiful fake smiles. You were thankful to Wrecker for standing up to you. But deep down, a part of you knew that Crosshair was right. It wasn’t a game, and the thought that you even saw it as one for a millisecond was a mistake. War wasn’t something you used to show others your strengths, and he was right to call that upon you.

“So… Which one of you is going to show me around?” Echos smiled softly and let you in, hoping that at least for the mission sake, Crosshair would try to behave.

***

“Not bad!” Echo commended, looking at the target which you just shot. “I didn’t know you could use the blaster.”

“Just because I’m a civic doesn’t mean I can’t protect myself”, you shrugged, getting rid of another of the targets. More like spotchka bottles, which you didn’t even dare question about.

“Sounds like there is a story behind it”, he started, raising a brow at another target being hit. It wasn’t that he considered you a friend. But he did like you. He enjoyed talking to you, whenever the Batch was stationed at Coruscant. You were polite, nice, funny, a bit sarcastic at times. But what’s important, you were kind and really good at your job, so he had no idea why Crosshair was being a complete jerk towards you.

“You should at least buy me dinner first, Echo”, he chuckled, letting you win this one. He was the first person to understand if there were topics someone didn’t want to discuss. You never forced him to talk, and so he wasn’t about to do it to you. “I may not be a soldier, but I am not a defenseless little girl. I would rather sit in one place my entire life than to bother any of you.” You sounded so small, so broken at that moment, that Echo was close in actually finding his brother and kicking his ass. “I have never left this planet. I… Is it really that bad that I’m excited?” You put the blaster away and took a deep breath, trying to gain control over your body again. “I’m not excited about the War. I.. I just want to experience more… Does that make me a bad person?”

“No!” He was fast to answer. Of course it didn’t. He understood you well. He remembered how he felt leaving Kamino as well. Like an excited child, finally able to do more. To be more. “Curiosity is normal. And no one should make you feel inferior for feeling that.” He wasn’t good at that, and an actual human contact was always Fives’ forte, but he pulled you to him, hoping it would calm you down, just a bit. “Do you want me to talk to him?”

“No.” You shook your head, reciprocating his hug, with a small smile on your face. “The last thing I want is to make someone uncomfortable. And to be a reason for the fight between brothers.” You pulled away and gave him a real, big smile. “I will just stay away and ignore him as much as I can.”

***

And you kept that promise for the whole two days until it was time for you to leave Coruscant. You helped Tech with the list of the most important things. Or more like he let you stay while he did the list. And added some medical things you considered to be essential, but he may have forgotten (which he of course haven’t).

“Am I really needed?” You joked at him, making him smirk a bit at that.

“I keep asking myself the same question.” Crosshair stared at you, while cleaning his rifle. You shook your head and smiled at Tech, looking through your list. “Hunter asks if we’re free to go.”

“We should have everything”, Tech looked at you and you nodded, giving him back the list. “I’ll get the ship ready.” And he left, leaving the two of you alone. You waited, getting yourself ready for some more snarky and hurtful comments. You decided that you won’t let that affect you. You will do your job. Make sure the boys are safe on that mission and come back to that planet. You decided to close off your heart to that man, not letting him play with you. You still couldn’t understand why you yearned for his approval so much, but this had to end. You weren’t some pathetic little girl.

“I won’t cause any problems. I will do my job and stay away from you so as not to bother you.” You started, not even turning around to face him. You didn’t need to see him, to know the way he looked at you. With annoyance and anger, for whatever reason. “This mission ends and you won’t have to see me again.” And so you got past him and got into the ship, ignoring the sick feeling in your stomach.

***

He looked at your fascinated face and couldn’t help but snark under his breath. You were all getting into hyperspace and you sat next to Tech to see it for the first time. You looked like a damn kid making him even angrier. If anyone asked, he wasn’t really sure why he despised you so much. Echo was right, you were a good medic, at least from what he saw. You did patch him and his brothers up a couple of times already. And you did it well. Additionally, what he did hear from Regs was that you are capable and good at what you do. But if he was being honest with himself, hearing it from the Regs could not really be considered a compliment.

What irritated him about you the most was the way you were always happy and cheerful and how so damn gullible you were. Always smiling to everyone, always pleasant, always so damn kind. You were so easy to manipulate and hurt that he never realized when he actually wanted to see you fall, to see you hurt, to see that damn smile disappear from your face.

“I hate seeing you hurt”, he clenched his wrists remembering the first time you patched him up. It wasn’t anything serious, but it was an order to see a medic and as much as he hated them, he knew which fights he was able to win.

“You don’t even know me”, he remarked, making you giggle at that. He watched your small hands work over his wound and he liked how warm they were.

“Doesn’t mean I want to see you hurt!” You winked at him and it was then he realized how foolish you were. How innocent and he wanted you gone, before that War would take any resemblance of innocence from you. “That’s why I’ll be here, waiting to patch you up when you need it.”

And so here you were. Not on the damn Coruscant, but here with them. It was over a year since that first meeting, and the more he saw you, the more he heard of you, he was becoming more irritated, with you, with this War, with the Sepis and with himself. He was so pissed when he found out that the medic assigned to them was you. He hoped all his remarks would get to you but apparently that never worked.

He looked at you once more and bit harder on this toothpick and grimaced. He shook his head in anger and left the cockpit, hoping to have you off his head as soon as it was possible. Missing the way your eyes were following his moves.

You frowned looking at his retreating form. You tried to understand him. You thought and tried to remember if you offended him someway, but the more you thought the more certain you were that nothing really happened. Sure he was pissy when he first met you, but it was far from how he was now - cruel.

***

“A quick one, boys. We go in, get the disc, destroy everything else and get here. Best case scenario without an extra job for our medic here.” You chuckled and closed the last little bag you were preparing.

“I want you all to have each”, you started handing them to the boys. “They aren’t big so it shouldn't be an issue for either of you. But they do have the most essential things you may need. Each one of you have an adhesive spray, a mix of bandages that may be of need. I added bone-knitters there as well. I wasn’t sure how long you guys may be gone, and when it comes to fractures in bones, it's best to take care of it as soon as possible. It’s nothing special, a normal medpack so you know…”

“How the hell did you manage to get all that equipment from Coruscant?” Wrecker gasped seeing all of the best supplies. Something he would expect was given to the Jedi Generals not Clones. At least not the non-medic ones.

“I have my ways”, you winked at him and stopped in front of Crosshair, extending his medpack to him. For a second there you were sure he would ignore you. But he did take it and added it to his tools. “I added some eye drops for you, just in case.” And not expecting any kind of response from him you turned and stood next to Echo. Missing the way his eyes softened a bit, only to quickly come back to the way he was. “Be safe there, OK?” They all nodded and left the ship, leaving you alone. Hating that you couldn’t come with them.

***

“You do know, you don’t have to check up on all of us after every mission”, Tech asked, when you scanned him, looking for any injuries that he may have hidden. It would not be the first time when a Clone would hide that he was hurt or wounded. Like one particular Captain of the 501st.

“I know, but I do enjoy it. It is my job, but more than that I want to make sure you guys are OK. Believe it or not I kind of like you guys.” He smiled softly at that and you felt your heart melting. Tech seemed like someone completely unavailable when it came to feeling, but you found that he was probably the most welcome to any kind of interaction that anyone would be willing to give him. And so you gave him all the attention you could whenever you had a chance, enjoying the way he always seemed to seek you out to tell you about whatever the hell he found out. “I’d like you guys to take the vitamins I prepared for you. I know it seems silly, but with the amount of missions you participate in, it is crucial to keep even the basic functions going.”

“We appreciate it, really!” Hunter murmured, smiling at you softly. “Even if not everyone shows that.” His eyes landed on the far away place, where Cross normally went into after every mission. Normally you gave him space, not wanting to bother him. But it has been three missions already and you were not able to check on him since then. And you promised yourself you would have to do it this time. Even if it meant fighting him over it.

“You boys are good to go. I’m gonna check up on Mr moody”, you smiled hearing Wrecker’s booming laugh at your nickname and took a deep breath, readying yourself for whatever the Sniper got to offer. “Crosshair?” he didn’t move when you walked to his space in the ship. You sighed and swallowed trying to find a way to start this all, without making you even more angry that he always was. “I need to check you up and I brought you vitamins.” You tried to make your voice sound soft and gentle. You didn’t need him to know how nervous he made you feel. But deep down, you were sure he knew.

“I’m OK, so leave.” He murmured and you frowned, biting your lip nervously.

“You said that after each and every mission so far.” You started, taking a step closer. “But I need to check, you know, even if it's just to sleep better at night.” You tried to joke, but seeing no reaction from him, you rolled your eyes at his childish behavior. “Come on, Crosshair. It won’t even take ten minutes. You make it more difficult than it needs to be. Stop acting like a kid!” You yelped when he was right there, pushing you on the wall behind, making you drop your kit. One of his hands landed close to your head on the wall, and you closed your eyes from the shock of it all. When you opened them, you looked up at him to see nothing but annoyance and irritation.

You were never afraid of the Clones. Sure they were all respected and intimidating, but you knew that they were all good people. But today, at this moment, you felt yourself shiver. You felt your legs shake from an actual fear from one of them. And it was the man that you stupidly fell for. The man you tried so hard to be accepted by. But despite it all, you could see nothing but anger and disgust in his eyes right now.

“Don’t you dare call me a child, you spoiled, little brat!” He hissed and something broke inside you. It was not fair. He didn’t know you. Didn’t even try to get to know you and yet it was so easy for him to push judgment. The one who has been ridiculed for something he couldn’t control - his genes. Here he was calling you a spoiled brat not knowing anything. And so you have had enough.

You pushed him away from you and clenched your hands angrily. Whatever calmness and control you tried to maintain was done for.

“What the fuck is your problem, Crosshair!?” You shouted, pushing him away, once again. “What have I ever done to you for you to hate me so much!? Why do you have to be a jerk to me all the damn time?! You don’t want me to call you a kid, but since the damn mission started, fuck, even before that, you yourself have been acting like a spoiled brat!”

“Don’t you dare!” He started, but you didn’t let him finish. You took one more step and looked him deep into his eyes, that you once loved. Tech laughed at you once when you said that you would be able to differentiate them all just by their eyes, lecturing you how being a Clone meant they all had the same eye color. But that wasn’t it. Each of them had something special in their look and Cross wasn’t different. You loved that darkness he held, something so very different. So special, something so lovely. But now, after loving them for so long, you hated to look at them. Hated the solemn fact that you let yourself be so vulnerable for a man who didn’t care for you.

“No, Crosshair!” you stopped him and felt yourself breathing harsher with every sentence that left your lips. You didn’t even care that you were now surrounded by all of the crew. You didn’t care anymore. You have had enough of it all. “For almost a year I have been trying to get you to like me, to notice me, to make you see me as something more than whatever you thought of me. All I ever was, was be nice to you and your brothers. I was always there for, even when my shift was over, even if I had a day off. I know it’s my bloody job, but I wasn’t born like you to fight in this war!” You didn’t even realize when you started crying. You weren’t screaming anymore, but your voice was more stern and angry than any of them have ever seen you before. “I’m just a civic who wants to help you all in this awful time. I’m not perfect, but I work on my weaknesses everyday and try to be stronger to be sure I will be able to help however I can!” You pushed him again, and to your surprise he let you. You were never the one to get physical, but you were so damn furious right now, that you didn’t care for anything. “What have I ever done to you! What made you cruel towards me?! What made you hate me so much?” You hated how your voice broke a bit in that last sentence, but you kept on looking at him, with the same determination as before. You needed to know to be able to move on.

“You wanna know what irritates me so damn much about you, princess?” He sneered and took a step towards you, but you didn’t step back. He was close, closer than ever, but you didn’t pay attention to that. You were too angry to care for something like that. You did, however, notice how Wrecker tried to interfere, but was stopped by his brothers. “You are so damn happy all the damn time. You are acting like a spoiled brat that joined the damn army because you were bored. You are pushover that let everyone do and say whatever they want because you need to feel fucking liked by everyone. I hate that fake smile you always give to everyone, I hate that stupid innocence of someone whose life was nothing but nice and comfortable. War isn’t a place to make friends, Princess! People die everyday, and that annoying smile of yours isn’t going to change that. You are pathetic, and I hate that about you!” There was silence after his outburst. You felt like you were just shot straight to the heart. Each and every of his words hurt more than anything you have ever experienced before. And not because they were true - which they weren’t- but because this is what he thought of you. Without even trying to meet the real you.

“My mother died at my birth”, you started, taking a step back, looking down on the floor, unable to continue to look at the eyes of a person who hates you so deeply. “My father was a bounty hunter, and didn’t care much about being a great parent. You asked me once where I learned to shoot Echo.” The Clone shifted uncomfortably being mentioned now, during the fight between you and his brother. “My father was never really a dad to me, but he did believe I had to be able to defeat myself. So he taught me, shaping the next bounty hunter in his head. He was cruel and demanding. I was 9 when he died and I didn’t even feel sad about it. After that I lived on the streets, living from day to day. I learned how to patch myself, because if I didn’t I’d die. And I would probably keep on living on the streets if the War didn’t break. I enlisted myself as a medic, because I thought of a reason to live. Not to kill as my father wanted, but to save.” You looked up at him to see softness in his eyes. For the first time since you met him. You noticed how his body shifted, how he took a step back. How his anger evaporated from him. “I was given a purpose to my life. And I promised myself I would never come back to that dark place I was, when I didn’t feel anything when my father died. And so I smiled, and laughed and made sure that no one around me would ever need to feel like that. Because Crosshair, being alone and broken is the worst possible feeling in the world, and I hope you will never have to feel it.” You wiped your tears and turned around tired of this all. “And Crosshair?” You turned one more time and looked up, finding his eyes again. “My smile was never fake with you.” And you walked to the small, little place the boys designed for you, to feel at least a bit comfortable.

“That explains her easiness with a blaster” Echo started, hoping to cool down that anger he felt from both Wrecker and Hunter. He just hoped Crosshair would stay quiet, because he wasn’t sure anyone would be able to stop Wrecker in actually beating the hell out of his brother.

“I will go see if she needs anything”, Hunter barked, shaking his head in anger at the Sniper, then leaving everyone to tend to you, hoping he would be able to help at least a bit. “Come on, Wrecker, she always enjoyed your hugs.” The Clone stared Crosshair down and with one of Mando’s curses directed at him, he went with Hunter.

“I have some things to deal with, but I believe you owe her apologies, Crosshair!” Tech murmured and not waiting for the response he left, leaving Echo with Crosshair alone.

“Aren’t you going to say anything?” Crosshair spit at him angrily, unable to even look at his brother. At anyone. This sick feeling in his stomach was nothing he has ever felt before. He never knew your life wasn’t this comfortable as he thought. A part of him hated himself for being a jerk to you, but another one was angry at his brothers for taking your side in this. An irrational one and he knew that.

“Seeing you right now? I don’t think I have to.” Echo answered, and clapped his brother on the shoulder, leaving him alone as well. He hated how this went, but he knew that the two of you needed that serious talk. You needed that to get rid of those feelings towards his brother. Feelings that only brought you pain.

***

You spent that night cuddled in the protective arms of Wrecker, crying your eyes out. It hurt so unbelievably. The memories of your child, the fact that you said it all, when you promised yourself you would never come back to it. And how all this came about. Now when you were calmer you regretted all of this. You were even close in going there and stupidly apologized to the Sniper, but Hunter stopped you. He even talked to you and asked if you wanted to continue the mission. Because he could always contact Cody and ask for someone else. You smiled at how thoughtful he was and promised him you would end what you started and that what happened just now would not affect your work. You wouldn’t let that happen. They needed a good medic, and you wanted to finish the mission to be sure that they would come back safe.

And so the professionalism stayed. Or more like ignorance. You knew that the only way for you to focus on your work was to ignore Crosshair, at least as much as it was possible. And so you still organized the medpack for him before each of their missions. You still checked if he was OK, and to your surprise he let you actually make the check up. You acted as his medic and just that. There were no more talks, smiles or desire to get to know him. You were kind of thankful for this whole ordeal. At least it helped you open your eyes, and saved your time on a man who saw you as nothing special. And who hated your own existence.

“I need to get to the market to buy some things”, you mentioned to the boys, when you landed on Tanalorr for fuel. “We are running out of food, thanks to someone.” You looked at Wrecker, who chuckled awkwardly, sending you one of his charming smiles you couldn’t resist. “Not to mention I did not think the mission was going to be that long.” It has been almost a month, “We are running out of medical equipment as well.”

“Do we even have enough credits for all of this?” Echo asked, looking troubled at the perspective of having to go back to Coruscant only to re-pack. “I’m not gonna lie, I don’t feel like coming back only to get it done.”

“Don’t worry about the Credits.” You smirked and winked at him. “I was sent here by the Republic on a mission as your medical support and I am responsible for you. Which means the Republic will take care of things.”

“If the credits weren’t an issue before why didn’t we let loose a bit?” Crosshair asked. Since that encounter between the two of you, he didn’t speak much, but when he did, there was less and less spite in his tone. At least he was trying, you thought.

“Well, it’s not that I have no credit for the money I spent. The Republic checks what we spend the money on, and if it turns out to be something not necessarily needed it is taken out of our own private money.” The boys frowned and you chuckled. “Don’t worry, I have worked for the Republic long enough to know what they accept and not.” You grinned and sighed. “Ok, which one of you volunteered to be the bag carrier?”

***

“I may not be as perceptive as others but are you OK?” Wrecker asked, after what seemed to be ages. He has been acting strange since you both left Marauder and you couldn’t help but smile softly at the way he cared for you. You still remembered the way he looked that day, when they all came on you and Crosshair fighting.

“You may think that, but you are as perspective as any of them, if not more, Wreck.” He chuckled nervously at that and you leaned into him and kissed his cheek softly, making him blush. “I’m not, but I will be.” He nodded and let you walk in front of him. You smiled softly at the way his whole body acted like some kind of shielding for you. His eyes were roaming the surrounding looking for anything fishy, being your guardian Angel. "I see how you're always standing just two steps away from me. Whether it's with my little confrontations with Crosshair or whenever we go outside." He looked away sheepishly, scratching the back of his head awkwardly, almost shyly. This is what you liked about him. He was a giant sweetheart. "I am the luckiest doctor in the whole Galaxy" you winked at him and he chuckled softly, following your steps.

***

It has been a while since your mission with the Batcher. You haven’t seen them for almost two months, and if you were honest with yourself you started to worry. The war was slowly getting to an end. Everyone knew that, but no one really wanted to agree on it. It was like if you spoke too loud, you would have jinxed it. Childish, and yet no one wanted to actually say anything. The Batch were being sent on more and more restless missions and they didn’t even come to the Coruscant anymore. And damn you missed them. At least most of them.

You forced yourself to believe you were too busy to think about him, and yet there were times when his face appeared in front of your eyes and you hated yourself for that. When you left, you hugged all of them, except for Crosshair. He didn’t even come out from the ship to say goodbye. You forced yourself to believe it was better that way. After all you hoped you weren’t as pathetic as long for the man who didn’t give a damn about you.

And now all this seemed like a mean joke. The memories of that mission was one of the few things keeping you going. You knew, you wanted to believe that finding them would make that hell a bit better. Seeing Wreckers smile, talking until the morning with Echo and Tech. Spend the night away just sitting with Hunter, doing nothing. And him. Just knowing that he is close was all that you felt that you needed. Now that the Republic fell and the Empire rose to Power, you needed something common, something familiar. You needed the Batch, like a man needs air to breath.

You stopped in front of what seemed to be a bar. Ord Mantell wasn’t the most friendly place in the Galaxy, but the last four places you checked were just some silly rumors. And right here, right now you had a feeling like that was it. You hid behind your hood and walked into the building, hoping. Hoping to finally see them.

Your heart skipped a bit, when you heard a booming laugh of the one and only Wrecker. But what made you stop in your trek was the little girl that was sitting with him. She couldn’t be older than 13. A kid. A child with a Batch. So the rumors were true. They were traveling with a little girl.

“Can I help you?” Your eyes traveled to a voice next to you. A Trandoshan female was looking at you with a raised brow, her arms crossed at chest. You opened your mouth to say something. But now that you have finally found them you weren’t sure if it was a good idea to have come here. Looking at how happy Wrecker was, it didn’t seem like a good idea to get into their little life now. They were all a family and you were just a medic. A nobody. You took a step back, unable to do anything else but just run.

A familiar voice stopped you. You looked up to see Echo standing in the middle of the room, staring at you in a mixture of disbelief and relief. The sound of your name was all you needed. Forgetting about the doubt you had just seconds ago, you ran at him, hugging him with all you had, sobbing at his chest like a little child wanting to be comforted.

“Long time no see, Doc.” Echo whispered, hugging you back, smiling, happy to see you again.

***

You didn’t want to believe Hunter, when he said that Crosshair has joined the Empire. It didn’t feel right. There was a lot to be said about the Sniper, but the fact that he would abandon his brothers and join scumbugs like an Empire was the last thing you would expect. Hunter told you about how he tried to kill them twice already, and you couldn’t help but feel anger burning inside you. Not towards the Batch, not towards Crosshair, but towards the Empire that was taking everything from you.

You told them how you escaped from Coruscant when the Empire rose. How you were traveling from one planet to another looking for them. Hoping you would be able to join them in whatever they planned on doing. Whatever it was, you let them know you were not leaving them. The moment you told them you weren’t leaving, you were once again a part of their team. A part of their family. First few nights you spend cuddling with Echo, Hunter or Wrecker. To keep the nightmares away. It was awkward at the beginning especially with Hunter, but the more frequent they became the more protective he became and was pulling you to him automatically. His senses always knew when you were stressed. When even the hugs didn’t help, you stayed with Tech. Awake talking about everything and nothing really.

You met Omega and you could not fall in love with her. She was a sweetheart with a sense of humor similar to the Batch. It took you a while to process that she was a Clone as well. And biologically older than them. But you tried to ignore it, and look at her as what she was. An amazing, beautiful and smart teenager. She quickly became an integral part of your life. Like a little sister you never knew you needed in your life.

You were a family. You finally found your place on Pabu. Saying goodbye to Echo wasn’t easy, but you were happy to know he was following what he truly believed in. And so you moved to this peaceful Island, far away from everything and everyone. Becoming an integral part of the population here. And despite your life finally becoming normal you were still missing something. Missing someone.

“You better come back! Come back with him!” You made Hunter promise, before they left. Tech got a signal from a base, a signal from Crosshair himself. You didn’t want to get your hopes up. But you did hope he would come back. And not for you. Because you knew that even if he did come back you would be the last person he’d like to see. But for himself, for his brothers and for Omega. You made a decision, that you would take a step back, make place for him if it was what he needed. All you wanted was for him to come back. To be reunited with his family. Even if w=you would never be able to be a part of that family.

***

Crosshair didn’t know what he should feel. It was like a damn dream. One second he was strapped into that damn electrolight, and another second his brothers with Omega, were saving him. He didn’t oppose this time. He followed them and he let Omega hug him, when they were back on the Marauder. He wasn’t ready to hug her back, but he was thankful. He would never say it out loud, but he was damn happy to be back with his family.

He wasn’t sure what to say. Anything he thought of felt too trivial to say out loud. A thank you wasn’t enough. I’m sorry; just didn’t sit right with him. And so he just stayed quiet, observing the Five of them. There were times when he got himself smiling softly at something Omega said, there were even moments when he let himself roll his eyes the same way he did in the past, when Wrecker said something idiotic. It felt familiar, it felt like home again and when Hunter caught his eyes once he smiled at him softly nodding his head. And that was enough, Enough for his brothers.

***

Seeing him again was like a mixture of the most painful and the most amazing feeling ever. When the Marauder appeared on the landing platform one afternoon you actually cried in relief. And you laughed out loud when Omega jumped happily at you, giving you her biggest and brightest smile. You were so happy to see them back, that you almost missed the one person, who was the reason for your feeling of emptiness. Here he was standing at the exit of the shuttle, looking at you. There was something unrecognizable in his eyes. Something you have never seen before. His stare was still as intense as ever, but his eyes were some kind of softer.

You wanted to go to him. And hug him, but seeing him now it was like realizing that you longed for something that could never be yours. Those words, that day was still a reminder of what he really thought of you, of how he saw you. And so you nodded at him and took Omega with you for a walk, listening to everything that had happened when they were gone.

“She made me promise I will bring you back.” Hunter started, standing next to his brother. “When she heard that message from you, she was determined to make us go get you. She cried when I told her you went with the Empire.” Crosshair frowned, still looking at your retreating form. He didn’t expect to see you here. He would never have thought that it would be you who would cry for him. “She never gave up on you. Even when I did.” Crosshair looked at the Sergeant and raised his brow. “You tried to kill us. Twice. Just a reminder there.” He couldn’t help but laugh softly at that.

“She looks happy”, he finally stated, see how you laughed with Omega and Wrecker about something he couldn’t hear.

“Don’t change that”, the Sniper frowned at Hunter’s tone. “She is ready to step away if it means you’d feel comfortable.” Crosshair scoffed. It was something you would have done. Apparently you haven’t really changed. Always putting someone else's feelings before yours. It was one of these things that annoyed him about you. It did. And it still did, but for some completely different reason.

“You should talk with him,” Tech murmured, thinking of the next move. You were one of few people he actually liked to play against. True, you never won against him, but at least you gave him a challenge. “You have been stopping away from us since he came back.”

“You’re imagining things, Tech.” You answered, already trying to think of another move, hoping that today you would maybe, somehow win against him. “I am giving him space. Our last real conversation didn’t end well.” You bit your lip and sighed. “I’m not sure I would be able to handle another rejection from him.”

“Rejection?” He asked, looking up at you. You have never talked with Tech about your feelings. Especially not about your feelings towards his brother. You loved Tech, but he wasn’t the best person of the Batch to talk about it.

“I love him. It's so stupid and illogical, I know” you rolled your eyes and crossed your legs. Something you always did when you felt overwhelmed. Something he noticed quite quickly. “I remember that day like it happened yesterday, that’s why it hurts so much. Because I know that nothing really changed. This is the same Crosshair as the last time I saw him. It is the same man that said he hated me, he hated everything that I built to become someone better. It broke me then and it breaks me every time I see him”, you sniffed and closed your eyes, to stop the tears from falling down. “I am so happy that he is back. I am happy your family is full again. I am happy he is safe and back. I am incredibly happy that you all are happy again. And I am happy to step back to make sure you all will stay the same way. For as long as it's needed.” Tech frowned looking at you. It’s not that he didn’t know about your feelings for his brother. But he never understood how deep they were until now.

“You said you love him. Not, loved him.” You smiled softly and nodded.

“I did. Didn’t I?”

‘I love him’. He would never have thought he would hear those words directed at him. Well, they weren’t really directed directly at him, but they were about him. You said it. You told Tech out of all of his brothers of your feelings. You told Tech about how much pain it brought you to love him. Against many opinions, Crosshair wasn’t heartless.

He hated the words that left his mouth that day. It’s not that he lied. No, he wasn’t one to lie. But the words that left his lips then weren’t really true to his true feelings. He never knew what irritated him about you. He always felt angry whenever he was with you, but at the same time, he longed to be with you. He didn’t understand his feelings then, and he wasn’t sure if he understood them now. But he knew something now, that he didn’t know then. It wasn’t hate that he felt towards you. It was this lack of power to be able to protect you. You seemed so innocent, so powerless, so damn happy all the time and he was afraid. So damn afraid that this damn world would screw you and destroy that innocence inside you. He liked it. He longed for these smiles you sent his way. He enjoyed seeing you annoyed, because it meant that maybe you were able to fight for yourself. And so he took the role of a bad guy to teach to defend yourself.

And the more he focused on this role, the more he hated the world around him. He hated the thought that this world will destroy you one day. That it will wipe away that beautiful smile you sent everyone. And so there was so much hate inside him, that he didn’t know where he should direct it. And despite wanting to protect you from the pain, he was the one bringing you the biggest pain of all. He made you remember something you were sure you wanted to forget about. Your past.

A past where you had to be strong to survive. The past where you couldn’t smile. The past where you fought everyday against the tyranny of the world. You fought for so long and he was too stubborn and too blind to see that you didn’t need his protection. You just needed for the world to go on. The same way as it went. For him to be there for you. Just like his brothers were.

Just like you were for him.

“This one is on me”, he smiled softly seeing the way your eyes widened seeing him, behind you, ready to pay for your Caf. He wanted to laugh at the way your mouth would open and close, unable to say anything. “It's nice weather, how about we take that outside?” There was no smile on your lips that day. But there was something in your eyes that made Crosshair believe that not all was gone. He still had the opportunity to let your world go on and maybe one day be once again a part of it. A better part of it.

It was strong and beautiful and it made him act on his true feelings. It was hope.

#star wars #star wars fanfiction #the clone wars #the bad batch #star wars the bad batch #crosshair #crosshair bad batch #crosshair fanfiction #crosshair tbb #star wars tbb #tbb #angst #fanfiction #anon ask #tbb season 2 #bad batch #clone force 99 #tbb crosshair

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tmgstudios · 9 months

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Ok so i just saw a post about narcolepsy for you and i have a little question. I have no idea how to check when something was posted on tumblr (mobile) so sorry if that post was super long ago!

Anyways, I always push going to the doctor about anything away for as long as i can, especially with specialists. You know how it is, doctors suck, I don't wanna bother if they're just gonna ignore me and tell me to excercize.

But! I recently found out more about narcolepsy, and that it's more than just "randomly falls asleep" disorder, and i realosed that i relate a lot to the symptoms. I've found a really good way to leqrn about a disorder is to talk to people who have it because again, doctors suck and sometimes have no idea what they're talking about.

So today i woke up not feeling rested at all. I felt like a very vivid and stressful dream had been going on all night and I'm pretty sure i woke up a few times (might've been a dream too tho). I went back to sleep for 10 minutes (i actually checked the time so this is correct) and had at least 2 dreams, because i kept half way waking up. When I'm actually asleep i feel kind of awake, but I can't actually do anything. This happens every once in a while.

After getting home from school I'm always pretty tired and need some time to calm down, but that seems pretty normal. What isn't is that i do my stuff as always and then (usually while watching videos) randomly become SO tired. It feels like it's 5 am and I haven't slept yet, except its 2-3 pm. Sometimes i try to push through, sometimes i just give in, but i almost always end up falling asleep anyways and then sleep until 7-9 pm. I usually struggle to get my body to actually get up and not just keep sleeping, and apparently once had a whole conversation without any recollection that i even got up. I can still sleep all night after.

I just thought this was "normal" ADHD/fatigue/generally disabled stuff, but now I'm thinking it might not be.

Well i guess this isn't really a question, but it'd be cool if you could maybe give some insight on this? Maybe if you know anyone with narcolepsy who experiences this kinda stuff or it happens to you? (Of course you don't have to share anything you don't want to) Or maybe you know something else this could be?

Yeah, that's pretty much it, i guess. If you need more details on anything i don't mind telling you and i hope you have a great day/night! (Sorry this is kind of really long)

hello!!! so what you described is actually really similar to how i experience sleep attacks. i also def have full conversations without any recollection when i apparently woke up, according to my roommate. i cant Diagnose anything for you, but what youve described sounds really similar to my experiences with narcolepsy as well as others ive talked to. sorry i like Just woke up so my brain is (more then)a little scattered but yeah. def are things that i experience 👍

#bonemeal #also literally no worries about sending me an ask ever #wishing you luck and good days :)

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sailoryooons · 1 year

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Oh hali! Baby. Please take care of yourself. Don't push yourself hard. Its ok if you are not feeling well to write. Just eat your favorite food, visit your favorite place, meet your loved ones. Don't stress yourself untill you are mentally, physically & emotionally well & back with yourself again. Remember, you're a goddess. Worship yourself. 💜😘

Hi ily 🥺 honestly I want to be writing so much more/could be writing so much more but I've been working 9-12 hour days at work for almost two weeks and I haven't been sleeping because of how insanely stressed I am at my job so my health has been a little icky. I am work from home today though and I finally slept like six hours which is decent for me so I'm feeling much better this morning! Thank you for being the best and being patient with me kjdsfnglkjgnkfijn you're so kind

#replies

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edwardsshinyvolvo · 2 years

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ɢᴏᴏᴅɴɪɢʜᴛ ʙᴇꜱᴛɪᴇꜱ/ɢᴏᴏᴅᴍᴏʀɴɪɴɢ ɪɢ

#🩸.txt #its almost 9:30 am #and i still haven't slept #but im going to now #i only have 1 rb queued so yeah ✌🏾

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ofiignition-archive · 6 years

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i haven't slept

#i haven't slept #SDFGHDKS #its almost 9 am mmm :^)

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specialgrades · 3 years

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"caught red handed." - miya atsumu.

omega!miya atsumu x top!reader

wc: 1.4k 🥴 oopsie daisy

summary: it's all bullshit. social higharchy my ass. but the sweet omega smell of the blonde miya twin and the flushed stare he gave you gets the setter in a very, interesting, position.

cw: con noncon, somnophilia, a/b/o dynamics, weed use/mentions, breeding, belly bulge, gangbang mention, voyeurism if you squint, degradation, light feminization (calling ass a cunt), mild dumbification, brat!atsumu if you squint

a/n: i do not remember the last time i ever published my work please bare with me lol. i've also only watched like two episodes of haikyuu. not proofread, its 9:00 AM and i haven't slept

IMPORTANT: I NO LONGER WRITE FOR HAIKYUU

it's all bullshit.

thats what you told yourself, watching everyone have their coming of age moments. alpha this, omega that. it was a crock of shit.

the social aspect at least. the physical aspect was all too real. the girls in your college algebra class talked about the different suppressors they were put on, and the boys bullied the few omega males in the locker room when their scent was overwhelming.

you couldn't really care for it. social higharchy was never something that interested you. your sister dubbed you a sigma when you shared this with her; thus yelling at her to fuck off.

it made sense. you could be an alpha if you really tried, but cared more about getting high than being an upstanding citizen. it was alright, you didn't mind.

spring was hell for everyone. people often missed school and work for one reason or another during it. it got to the point that spring break got extended and applied to the work force to accommodate.

you took this chance to chill with your friends and fuck around. it was dubbed osamu's turn to host.

only now was that seeming to be a horrible idea.

atsumu, osamu's twin brother, was stuck at home doubling up doses for the spring time. osamu told him to not leave his room while his friends were over; if the faint omega smell wasn't enough to rile up a group of delinquents.

atsumu was horrible at following instructions. after about the fourth blunt rotation the smell of weed seemed to disappear. the sweet smell of an unmarked omega wafted through the apartment.

"i'm only here to get a drink man, piss off." he told his twin, desperately trying to ignore the hungry eyes on him.

atsumu was known for masking his omega-ness. he didn't pretend he wasn't one, no, just avoided the concept like the plague. spring time made it almost impossible for him to keep that facade up.

"you stink, 'sumu." osamu spoke, jokingly pinching his nose. atsumu rolled his eyes, grabbing a soda can from the fridge. "at least i don't reak of weed." he combated. he took a glance at the group in the living room and felt small under the gaze of his brothers friends. his eyes caught yours, and his breath caught in his throat.

you weren't an alpha, right? the only alpha in the room was his brother. everyone else was a beta or some other. but god, his knees almost buckled under your gaze.

the sleezy smile you sent him made blood rush south. he couldn't move, and you wouldn't stop staring.

"oi, stop eye fucking my brother, (Y/N)." osamu smacked you upside the head, not focusing long enough to notice the wink you shoot atsumu. he makes a b-line to his room, shutting the door behind him.

everything felt hot. have you always been that, attractive? he's seen you at their volleyball games, hunched over in the bleachers and ragging on his brother afterwards. why did he feel this way now?

atsumu has been through enough springs to know the only way to fix this by himself. still against the door, his hand shakily went under his sweats. he barely grazed his cock and he moaned, his free hand flying over his mouth. he paused, listening for any hints that someone heard him, before fishing his small cock out of his sweats.

it took all he had to not moan like a whore just to his own stimulation. it became increasingly more difficult as his brain wandered.

what if it was your hand fisting his cock? what would you tell him when you forced his smaller body on your knot? how would you smell as you used him?

he didn't even notice he was getting louder, his hand doing little to muffle any sounds he made. "(Y-Y/N)- fuck! please!" he whined, bucking his hips to meet his hand.

he came for the first time that evening whimpering your name, knees threatening to buckle as he did.

if only he knew the smirk on your face as you heard his wonton moans on your way to the bathroom.

----------------------------------------

a lot of weed and bad horror films took out a lot on your little posse. osamu and you being the only ones remaining. osamu told you to not fuck anything up, he was going to his room. the mumbled affirmation you sent him was all he needed before disappearing down the hallway. you waited for the click of the door locking before standing.

maybe it was the weed talking. maybe the sleep deprivation from midterms. you couldn't put a finger on what pulled you to the blonde miya twin's room.

he looked so cute sleeping. all sprawled out with the blanket barely even covering him. he slept nude, it was like he knew you were gonna fuck him!

silently tugging your pants open, hand slowly jacking your cock to full mast as you positioned between the legs of the starfished setter.

three fingers later and atsumu was still fast asleep. his little omega cock now leaking precum and slick covering his puckered hole allowed you to deem him ready.

pushing the tip in, he finally stirred. his eyes squeezed tighter and tried to push away from you. "shh, it's okay baby." you whispered, pushing hair out of his face. something in you pushed forward, everything up to the thick knot at the base inside of the sleeping miya boy.

well, previously sleeping. the intrusion making his eyes flutter open. blinking away the sleep in his eyes, he realized what was happening. when he did, he started to fight back.

"hey hey, shh baby. you want this, don'tcha? otherwise you wouldn'tve been jacking your little cock to the thought of me earlier." his eyes widened at your words, and kept trying to push you off of him. his hands pushing at your hips and lips pouting.

how cute.

swiftly pinning his wrists above his head with one hand and holding his hips down with the other, you stared into his eyes. the moonlight caught his blown pupils perfectly; illuminating the cocky smirk that formed on your face just right for him too.

he yelped when you pulled back and slammed back in. not breaking eye contact, his body thrashed as you thrusted your cock into his tight little cunt. he resisted the best he could, but the way his cunt clenched around your cock told you he was loving every second of this.

it didn't take long for him to stop thrashing, whining and moaning as you abused his prostate. he felt your hand go to his tummy, rubbing the bulge that appeared every time you thrusted into him. the knowledge made him moan out loud.

"keep that up and your brother will catch us, baby. or worse, one of the others in the living room. don't think i could stop them from further destroying you if they saw us." atsumu whined in response. "or would you like that? taking multiple knots to satisfy your omega cunt?" he glared at you but clenched harder at your words. "such a slutty cunt, omega. you know what? be loud. let everyone know who's cock you're losing yourself to." atsumu opened his mouth to talk, only weak whimpers leaving his throat.

"did i already fuck you stupid? oh baby, you're too cute. babbling like an idiot on my cock." he shook his head. "'m not an idiot." he barely managed. a chuckle verbarated in your chest.

"no, you're not are you? you're no idiot, you're a dumb whore f'me." the setter whined again, hips pushing back against your thrusts. he bit his lip to muffle his cries as he came.

"dumb whore came just from some mean words? pathetic." he could feel your knot swelling every time you thrusted in his hole. he nearly came again just from the thought of you knotting him.

"'m gonna give you my pups, 'tsumu." you breathed, thrusts starting to falter slightly. "all mine?" he weakly asked. you smiled and cupped his cheek.

"yeah, all for you 'tsu." for the first time that night you kissed him, finally thrusting your knot into his tight heat, swallowing his moans as you filled him with your cum. he felt so warm and full, euphoric. he came again with you.

he went to push away, thinking you were done. your stronger arms pushed him back down.

"who said we were done, baby? gotta make sure it sticks, right?"

#✏️ ; works.#cw: noncon #cw: somno #cw: a/b/o #atsumu miya #miya atsumu #atsumu miya x male reader #atsumu miya x top male reader #atsumu miya smut #dark male reader #dark content #dark blog #dark smut #dark male reader smut #top male reader #haikyuu!!#haikyuu x male reader #haikyuu smut

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scoot-over-yonder · 2 years

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Update 3/1/2022

As of this past Monday, I've been out of quarantine 2 weeks. Unfortunately, that's the average span of time it takes for my sleep schedule to turn upside-down when I'm on a break, so here I am, having been up all night and slept all day out of no desire to on my own, likely going to do the same tonight. But at least I'll have classes to force me into a proper sleep schedule, especially since I have an evening Korean class two days out of the week.

It's 9:30 at night the time I've started writing this. I can walk to my room's window and look out and see the bright city of Gwangju, if only just a little part of it. At some point I'd love to go out and walk the city at night; I may be a country baby, but there's few sights I love more than bright neon signs and streetlights on overpasses and life in general still going on even in the deep hours of the night, but due to a certain virus most businesses are required to close after 10, and the buses stop running around the same time. My own curfew at the university is between 1-5am, which is almost a little silly in how late and short it is, but I'd guess it's to discourage people from being out in the city and exposed to danger all night long.

Outside the window is another sight I've found is common on the Korean nighttime skyline - eerie, neon-red crosses atop every church.

My phone's camera isn't great, but you can see two in the image - the obvious one there, and there's also another farther one on the left.

I can count a grand total of seven of these from the view from my window, and while I suppose it is an effective way to signal the location of a church, it's still a little... hm. I don't know. I hate to repeat a descriptor, but it's eerie.

During my time out of quarantine, I've managed to do a lot. One thing in particular was an entire trip to Seoul with some fellow Americans (and I believe one French girl), which will be its own post(s) considering how much we did.

Aside from that, I've mostly been busy. I haven't been able to try much yet outside of Seoul on account of the fact that I know basically zero Korean aside from "hello" and "thank you". However, there is an abundance of the glorious invention that is a lifesaver for not only the COVID-conscious, but introverts and monolinguals, the electronic ordering kiosk. I've been able to feed myself without draining all of my hope in myself using those things, especially getting a spicy soup or fried chicken that I really like from Hansot.

I did go with a few girls to an area here in Gwangju the other day, and while unfortunately I've forgotten the name (I may add it to the next post when I remember/find it), it was a street full of shops. Many of them were names you'd find here in America, like H&M or Burger King or... National Geographic? I didn't know they had stores, let alone in Korea. But there was something that was the highlight of my night, a little hole in the wall that sold corn dogs.

REALLY good corn dogs. So good that I'd love to use stronger language to describe them, but I'm keeping this blog clean. It was a hot dog sausage that tasted better than any hot dog sausage I've ever had back home, dipped in some sort of heavenly corn batter that was so good that I would and did eat some on its own, and that was rolled around in potato chunks and then fried. I never thought I would have a borderline spiritual experience from a corn dog.

Bask in the glory. It looks small. It was not. What's in there was the size of your typical hot dog weenie, absolutely smothered with corndog stuff and taters. I'd dare say it's worth coming here just for these.

We also went to a self-photo studio. There are so many of those here. You cannot escape them. Though, from what it seems, you're free to take as many pictures with your own camera in the lobby as you like, but if you want their little fancy picture machines to do it for you it costs money - but not much; ₩2,000 each (a little over $1.50) was what this studio charged. I got put in the back because I had a lobster hat on. Unfortunately, I'm very short, and they weren't too mindful of me, so it was a struggle to be in the pictures in the first place.

Also, there was a huge plush cat.

It was also my twentieth birthday last week. It's hard to believe I've been alive 2 decades now, possibly because for better or for worse I don't feel a day over 14. Technically, in Korea, I'm considered to be 21 and have since I got here, since Koreans gain a year at the beginning of the year and are considered one year old at birth.

The drinking age here is 19 (18 to us). Yes, I've tried some things, including soju, which was one of the strangest things I've tasted. I also tried a drink that tasted almost exactly like Tootsie Rolls, if Tootsie Rolls were alcoholic.

Strangely enough, a bottle of soju here costs ₩1,200 (exactly one dollar) and you can get it from basically any convenience store. To be more specific, that's less than soda or even water costs here. I'm... a little concerned.

But back to birthday stuff... I had told some of the girls I was traveling with that it was going to be my birthday. I didn't expect anything; I already had my own gift from my mom to open (which was a bunch of cards written by all sorts of people back home, thank you to everyone who wrote one!), but the day after my birthday they came to my dorm with a little macaron with a candle in it and a gift bag. In it was a couple more macarons, a little pack of cotton candy, and a hedgehog plush - I see you glancing at my profile picture; it was a regular hedgehog plush, not Sonic, though it is very adorable. They said they had tried to find something Sonic with absolutely no luck. I have, too. I've looked everywhere. These stores have everything from Sanrio to Peanuts to My Hero Academia to Harry Potter, but aside from a few people recognizing my profile picture or phone wallpaper, the blue blur is surprisingly absent here. Sad!

They did draw him on a sticky note on the bag, though :)

And here's the plush - I've named him Nicky. If you know, you know.

There's more to tell about Gwangju (as well as the Seoul trip, which was so jam-packed that I may have to split it into a post for each day), but this post has gotten a little long, so I'll leave some for tomorrow evening.

I'm sorry for the delay in posting; if I'm being honest it's been hard to motivate myself to write anything about anything lately. But I have a bit of a backlog of things to talk about, so keep an eye out over the next few days :)

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littlemulattokitten · 3 years

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Is writing cathartic or stressful for you?

Both. Writing is a compulsion and a hobby.

I got into fanfic really young (somewhere between 9 and 11) and it turned into a way to channel my already-existing habit of maladaptive daydreaming. And then the under-developed OCD would kick in and I'd have to write.

Not being able to write for 3 years really...messed with my head. My primary outlet for my primary coping mechanism just...stopped being something I was capable of. I could still do the daydreaming, and I did, often, but when I'd try to purge the dreams from my head, I couldn't.

For a while, I couldn't even use dreaming to plot out or plan Diary. I was so over-stressed by the story and the pressure of the rewrite project that I could barely stand to think about it. Nevermind play with it. My safe-spaces became old fic ideas for fandoms I'm no longer active in that I never planned to type out anyway.

And the more stress I faced in my day to day, the more I wished I could purge those emotions into other things. But everytime I'd sit down to write, I'd just stare at the screen. Maybe edit a few words here and there. But writing new words...they wouldn't come.

In the 3 years I was away from fandom, the most words I ever wrote at one time was 157. It took over an hour. A blink of the words flowing and then they were gone again and I felt worse.

It wasn't until right before the move, when my former therapist and I were talking about how I usually coped with stress in less time-consuming situations, that I brought up my long lost compulsive-hobby.

She told me, in the most jolly, unconcerned, and certain tone: "Oh it'll come back. You know that right?"

I told her how I had written something almost everyday of my life since middle school. That words and blocks had never really happened for longer than a few weeks. That despite my best efforts, nothing had made the words come back. They were gone and so was a massively defining part of who I was as a person. I couldn't describe my hobbies to people without a disclaimer.

"I'm a writer! Well...I used to be. I haven't written much lately. There's hundreds or maybe thousands of strangers on the internet who would get an email alert if I updated a story. Sometimes they tell me they miss me. But I can barely log into those sites long enough to tell them I miss them, and me, too."

After the move, I slept for a month. I had to wait to set my computer back up until I got a new desk. So I didn't do anything but eat, sleep, and heal.

Then I could play on my computer again.

I opened all my WIP docs, Scrivener, all my spreadsheet for Diary. Chapter 30 of Diary was mostly written, but incomplete. It had stopped somewhere vaguely around Tom giving her the reward hug after she becomes a parselmouth. That's where it had stalled out and frozen for almost 3 full years.

I backtracked a few hundred words, started rephrasing things. Tweaking the way the emotions came off. I changed how they talked to each other and how Hermione thought about the situation.

And then I wrote how Tom was feeling. And I checked my notes. Tom wants to charm a hair accessory to fix her curls. Hairstyle insp in locked Pin board. And I remembered what I was doing with the story as a whole and I wrote.

Since that day, I've written just over 40,000 words in Diary alone.

So while I can be cute and say "I love writing it's so much fun" that's bullshit. I do love writing. But not because it's fun or a neat hobby.

It's who I am. It's who I've been since middle school. And whether its a hobby forever or eventually something I do for money (*gives the Novel project a side eye*) it doesn't matter. I only sort of do this by choice. It's part of what I'm here to do, I think.

#stilleundregen #kyla says things #writing #this was longer winded than it needed to be #but #shrug #oh well #thanks for the ask lovely <3

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neo-culture-mafia · 4 years

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IV. Sorry, My Dear

⚠️⚠️TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️⚠️

The following story contains themes of suicidal thoughts and addiction. Please do not read if you find these themes triggering in any way. Read this post before reading this piece of FICTION

Have you heard the story of the guy,

Who decided not to die?

"Another day at the office...another day in hell." Jae mumbled to himself. The black lettering seemed never ending as he moved page after page.

Everyone was long gone and he was left with his thoughts that reflected the current state of his desk: scattered and full on unwanted words.

"Come on, Jae. Let's go get drinks with Boss." Jae had mimicked the voices of the other associates that worked in the office today. "No. I'm good. Got to finish this work. Beep-boop-boop." He moved his arms in a robot-like fashion.

"Look at me. Working me life away. Jaehyun. That's my name." He moved the papers in random places. This would be Jae's 4th breakdown this week where he needed to tell himself to hold on until tomorrow.

Johnnny looked on in concern from behind the entrance wall. "No good, Jaehyun. Don't wear it out." Jae's hands waves over his head in a dramatic fashion as he pushed himself around in his wheeled office chair.

It wasn't until Johnny saw Jae's hands form into a gun shape that he intervened in the middle of his best friend's scary emotional outburst.

"Jae! There you are!" He rushed over and punched his friend's arm. The look in Jaehyun's eyes made Johnny uneasy. It looked like he had been caught which made him break more. "You almost finished? I wanted to catch a movie with you and maybe have a hangout night," Jae was taken aback by the energy outburst at 2 am.

He could only look at Johnny's excited face from where he sat in his chair, strands of hair obstructing only pieces of his vision. "I got the new Call of Duty and PubG for the console." Johnny's hands rummaged in his pockets till he pulled out his phone, his eyebrows wiggling fiercely. "It's only...2:17. We got all the time in the world."

Johnny picked up Jae's suit jacket that was thrown over the cubicle wall and the younger boy's heavy bag. "I'll drive." Johnny pulled Jae up and turned off his lamp.

They were in the darkness of the office and Jae was still shocked that he was caught before he got worse.

"What do you wanna eat? Steak? McDonald's? Junk food?" Johnny's rambling was tuned out of Jae's mind. He followed the taller man willingly down and out of the office building and to his familiar car.

"Uh...doesn't matter." Was the first thing that came out of Jaehyun's mouth. "Then we'll get everything." Johnny's laugh made Jae's heart swell with hope for the first time in weeks.

'Maybe next time,' he thought, 'I'll hang out with Johnny one last time.'

The car ride was filled with laughter and being in the cold air surrounding the both of them.

Johnny still wonders to this day what would've happened if he didn't walk in the time he did. He had been called to pick up the paperwork from Jae's desk but was met with a sad reality.

Jaehyun wanted to escape reality.

Just kill me in my sleep,

Smother me with pillows and kindness, in which I have never seen

This was it...this was the day. He's written the letters and found a place to go calmly. He was in a euphoric sense that nothing really mattered anymore.

He had been on cloud 9 all week as he's happily been overworked and no one ever asked how he had been doing.

Right now, he was just driving. Driving to take in his home city one last time.

The sun was setting when he came to Han River Park. The clusters of happy people congregated in small bursts of happiness and 'its okay' and 'everything will be alright's.

He parked and stood at the grass's edge. He took deep breaths as the air swept across his body calmly. "Everything is so beautiful." He whispered to himself as he watched the birds dance across the water with such grace.

The lump in his throat that made it home was beginning to ache. Yet, he swallowed his pride and continued looking over the people who would continue their own story's even after his had reached the end. The credits would roll and everyone would walk away from the theater without a second thought.

"I mean. I get that's it's pretty. But I haven't seen someone cry at the scenery since my last romance movie." He was snapped out of reality to see a girl standing next to him.

"Excuse me?" Was all he could manage to get out.

You chuckled, sticking your hand out. "Y/n." You introduced yourself and he was trying to not shake your hand, look the other way, and leave without another word being exchanged.

"Jaehyun." His actions spoke for him as he reached his hand out to meet yours. Your hand was soft and warm in his. A warmness and calm he hasn't felt in a while.

"I'm gonna go get some ice cream. Wanna come?" You barely knew him and we're asking him to accompany you to a sweet treat. "You don't know me." Jae got defensive, his arms crossing over his chest.

"I could be a murderer and you invited me for ice cream?" His questions had your face turn up. "Well I'm sure that murderers like ice cream too. So let's go." You grabbed his arm and pulled him down the long stretch of concrete. You walked and tried to match your steps with his long strides. Your arm cutely wrapped around his as you walked.

"So tell me about yourself, Mr. Jaehyun."

He figured living was just easier than falling really high

"We need to clean." You whined while rolling around in the vast bed full of messed up sheets and a relaxing Jaehyun. "Not now. I just wanna cuddle." He grabbed your body and held you close.

"No. We've been cuddling all day. We need to clean." You got up and pulling at his hands. "You can clean the closet and I can clean the rest of the room. Then cuddles." You reasoned and he groaned as he got up, giving into your wishes.

"Fine." He automatically sat on the ground and opened your shared closet doors.

"I'll be tidying up around here." You ruffled his hair and kissed the top of his head sweetly. "If you need anything just shout." He called as you exited the room to probably start on the kitchen.

Box after box of paperwork and more paperwork from the last 10 years of working in his like of work.

Your singing could be heard through your house as you comedically sang some of the greatest hits. His laughter broke through the apartment when your own voice shook with laughs.

He came upon some photo books with Polaroids of you and him. The last 2 years had been lived in a heaven like state. He hadn't touched alcohol and drugs like he was earlier in his life...before you changed him.

His physical and mental growth were apparent in the pictures as he flipped through the pages. Your hand drawn hearts and small journal entries under some photos had his heart beating rapidly with joy.

He put the book next to his side to look at later with you. His hand came across an unmarked cardboard photo box that had a thin layer of dust on it.

He jiggled the lid off and was met with envelopes. The letters. His notes to his bosses and his friends apologizing for what he was about to do.

Apologizing for the mess they were going to have to clean up in his apartment and in the office where his files would never be filed. Apologizing for giving up so easily and not serving out the rest of his life like he had sworn. Apologizing for not being strong enough to ask for help when he really tried to make it obvious. Apologizing to whoever had to find him after it was all said and done.

Apologizing for not saying goodbye.

"Hey. Do we have any tile cle- oooo letters. Who are they to?" Your voice had made Jae jump like when Johnny caught him that dark night in the office. Like he was caught doing and thinking stuff he shouldn't be.

"No one. Me. In 50 years. Y'know," he shrugged, tossing them back in the box and throwing them in the closet and standing up quickly, "time capsule thing me and the guys did." He shrugged it off and you could only nod.

"Well that's cool. Can't wait to see how you've grown." Your smile had his own lips mimicking in want. Wanting to have your blissful ignorance of what those letters really were.

"Oh yeah. Do we have any more tile cleaner?" You asked and he lead you out to the closet where he scowered the top shelves in search for the cleaning supply.

"You can have it. For a kiss." He held it above his head. You waste no time in kissing his cheek and pulling on his arm till you grabbed the cleaner and ran. His laughs chased your own as you both wrestled for a while.

Both of you laid on the living room carpet, just enjoying the close presence.

His heart was at peace.

I'm okay,

I feel a little bit sick

You had began to notice how Jae had been getting more dull. A year had passed since the night you pointed out the letters. It began to go all down hill from there.

He gave you the same love and affection he usually did, but his eyes held no emotion to big events outside. Alcohol had started to replace meals and sleep.

"Jae you need to eat." You laid a hand on his shoulder softly. "I'm actually going to go grab a drink with some of the boys." And like that. He was out of the apartment. Yet, everytime he came stumbling in the front door with a stench that could repel nuclear waste, you nurses him into bed. Setting an aspirin and water next to his head. Most nights didn't wrap up until 4 am when you knew he was home safe.

You slept with your arms wrapped strongly around his body, afraid he would try to get up and leave to drink again without you noticing.

Mornings would be a rough time as you awoke to a sick Jaehyun who couldn't tell left from right. You were there were comforting words and endless services if bet only asked.

His guilt ate at his chest till there was a free falling feeling that would cease when he took his first shot.

He knew he was getting bad again. He knew he needed to get help but everytime he woke up to face an aspirin and a cool glass of water, the guilt made him drink even more the next night.

He sometimes wished you would leave him to make this easier on you. He wished you would fall out of love and go to bed before he got home.

He wished you didn't introduce yourself in the first place.

But have you heard,

The story of the guy who decided not to die?

Jaehyun got clean again. He started being more present in reality and eventually returned to normal. Sometimes he did get carried away with the alcohol but you were there to help him put down the bottle.

He started openly hanging out with his friends in large gatherings where he didn't mind starting the conversation. He got addicted on life again.

You were all out on a big dinner. You and the other women of the mafia men gathered in the social room while Jae and his closest friends talked and joked around in the parlor.

"Want another drink?" Mark asked as he nudged Jae's elbow. "No I'm okay. I hit my limit for the night."

His friends were the most supportive people that he originally thought wouldn't be. Once be reached his limit, they all switched to fruity drinks followed by water. "So I need your guys' help with something." Jae smiled, taking the blue chalk and rubbing it on the worn end of the billiard's stick.

"What's up, dude?" Johnny asked and all the boys tuned into Jaehyun and his request. "I want to propose to y/n." He said and the room automatically erupted in shouts and cheers. "Sssshhhh." He tried to shush everyone. They remembered the presence of the women in the building and quickly shut up.

"Y/n said she wanted a wedding in the flower fields about.." Jae recalled the previous conversation he had with you. "2 hours from here?" He said and Hyuck automatically knew which ones he was talking about. "It's going to have to be a spring wedding!" He said excitedly and grabbing a pad of paper and a pen from his pocket.

"Alright, lover boy, spill." He said knocking all of the pool balls out of the way, "hey we were playing!" Doyoung protested and Hyuck could only write down the location of the fields, "I'm helping our brother get a wife. Go play with your balls somewhere else." He back handed which caused the room to erupt in laughter.

"Okay. Now. I'm going to need time to get the catering. I'm thinking pork," Hyuck rambled writing down the possible ideas, "or is she more of a chicken person?" he continued which caused some of the boys to chuckle at the wedding-excited nature no one knew Hyuck possessed in himself.

"Also I need to find a cake. I would make it myself but we all know that these beautiful hands would be wrinkly by the time I'm done icing cake for 500 people-" "500?!" Jae said loudly which caused Johnny to slap a hand over his younger friends mouth. "Well duh. That's a minimum." Donghyuck shook his head, drawing a picture of what the cake needed to look like. "amateur."

"I need to get the ring first." Jae said quietly and Taeyong piped in. "Don't even worry about it. I'll take you in the morning to the jewler's to pick out the bands and diamonds. Maybe you could get an engagement ring with her birth stone then the real ring with yours and your wedding band could have hers." Taeyong started rambling ideas, Hyuck writing lightning speed on the pad of paper.

"I call doing the gifts!" Mark and Jungwoo said at the same time. "I'm nominating myself as the planner." Hyuck said writing the roles down. "I'll get the tuxes for us." Taeil nominated himself for the job with a smile. "We need to get Yuta and the rest of the boys up here!" Doyoung brought up a good point.

"Yuta will just bring baby supplies. We're not telling him until a day before the ceremony." Hyuck pointed at the boys but was met with a hit upside the head from Johnny.

"I have to find out the color palette. I'll go to Renjun and then I'll go to Jaemin for the fireworks- Jisung will be the flower girl." Donghyuck kept rattling off things he needed to get done.

"Thank you for giving me this job. I won't let you down." He finally said, laying a hand on Jaehyun's shoulder.

"Better not. It need to be perfect for her. Perfection deserves perfection." Jae said and some gagged while other coo'd at his unwithering love you for you.

The chatty hustle didn't cease as Johnny patted on Jaehyun's shoulder. "You okay?" Johnny asked with a smile on his face. Jaehyun couldn't keep the smile off of his own face. "Never better. On cloud 9." He said and Johnny's heart eased from the constant fear of Jae not being here the next day. But he didn't need to worry anymore.

"I actually need to ask you." Jae said finally putting the polished stick down on the table. "Will you be my best man?" Johnny's eyes lit up like fireworks as he brought Jae in for a manly yet friendly hug.

"I'm so proud of you, Jaehyun."

I'm enamored with the thought of seeing angels in the sky singing,

Singing, "Everything's alright."

Jaehyun proposed the next week. You both went out to an amazing and fancy moonlit dinner where you both danced and decided to start this new journey together.

Then two days after the proposal, he relapsed the worst he has ever had. Johnny found him in your guys' apartment and immediately called you and everyone who he thought he could help.

It's now present day and you can only look at Jaehyun with guilt in your eyes.

The funeral was held in the flower fields you both planned to get married in. The day was cold and dark but he had never looked so happy in his final resting place. "I'm sorry I couldn't give you the happiness you craved." You kissed his cheek before the lid was finally closed.

Now the marble had been set in place and you were alone again.

"I'm not mad. I'm jus-just so...so sorry." You wept, reaching out for him.

"I read the letter and can only ask. Why?"

The only things he had left was a damn note with the words, 'Sorry, My Dear' signing off the page as if he deemed it enough. As if his love had a capacity limit.

"I'm sorry you-you thought I was going to leave you if you told me you were so un-unhappy with life." Your stuttering didn't come to a stop as you could only imagine tears streaming down his own cheeks wherever he was in the universe. The feeling of being ashamed sent you reeling down where you had to support yourself on your knees.

The silent sobs hurt your chest as you had this free falling feeling in your chest getting more deeper. It was as if someone was pounding your chest with a drum mallot. Your heart was breaking as you felt a hand on your shoulder. Yet, you knew no one was there.

"You promised me forever." Your voice was shaky as you brushed the stray pieces of grass away from the marble in the ground.

'Jaehyun. Found happiness in where ours couldn't reach.'

"And I promise, Jae. I will love you...forever."

"And I'm so proud of you for making it this far." You whispered, fingers tracing his name on the polished marble for what felt like the millionth time.

You laid on the ground next to his resting place and looked into the vast blue sky where you imagined him reaching down to you; his soft voice that he used to sing you to sleep with carrying you with him to where you both could live happily ever after. You lifted your hands up as the tears came down.

"You did well."

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pbandjesse · 3 years

Text

It feels so late at nigh. But it's only 7. I'm sitting in our tent with the door open and it it pitch black outside. And has been for almost 2 hours now. I'm really sleepy. But i also feel really good. Today was just a long day.

I slept well last night. James woke me up and i said come back at 930. But then my dad called me at 9 and the buzzing scared me out of bed. I talked to him for a little. He sounded really cheerful and that made me happy. He asked to Skype on Thanksgiving so I'm going to make that happen. Well probably not actually use Skype but the idea is there still.

I got up and dressed and even though we weren't leaving for hours i felt a little bit stressed. I painted my nails. And played a little animal crossing. But mostly i was wandering around the apartment makong sure we had everything. Of course we still forgot a few things. But nothing that is the end of the world.

James ran out to get veggie dogs for me and a coffee. They didn't have the kind i wanted so i was a little bummed. But it's fine. I got the last of the stuff I needed. Pulled a different jacket from storage. I had tried to really plan for layers this weekend.

I actually wore maybe to many layers for the first part of the day. With leggings under my overalls. But by the end of the day I was happy i did.

We said goodbye to sweetp and got our bikes downstairs. We had to stop at Gaby and Lane's place to give them out keys to check on sweetp and the plants. But soon we were actually on our way.

We left around 1130. And got to the campsite after 3. A long trip. We made one stop for lunch at panara and that was very good. I got a bread bowl. And it was so it yourself put together which made me laugh. And they just gave me and entire apple instead of apple slices. It was still all very good.

We got back on the road for the last leg. I liked seeing all the towns and big sky. The leftover political posters. We listened to music and talked and it was fun.

I was starting to get tired as we got towards the park. But once we got in I just felt excited. The park is Pocomoke River and its all lovely pine trees and water. I'm not sure I love it as much as elk neck. But i haven't seen much of it. I'm just a little sad because we found out when we got here that hammocks aren't allowed. The trees are to soft and will get damaged. I understand but still a bummer. Just more reason to get myself a ports ow hammock stand.

We found our site. We have run into a couple small issues. They aren't selling ice right now and the one outdoor sink is turned off for the winter. So we don't have as much water tonight. But we'll figure it out.

We got everything unloaded James set up the tent and air mattress while i worked on getting everything from the car over to the table and putting things where they needed to be. Very good teamwork.

James drove back to get firewood from the camp store. And I collected sticks. A fire was built and we read for a while. Had hotdogs. The sun went down around 5.

We have been enjoying each others company. Laying in the tent. I am so glad i got these battery powered string lights. They make it so cozy in here. It's for sure chilly but I've got two sweatshirts on and I'm pretty cozy. And once I get the rest of my pjs on in sure it will be ever better.

Tomorrow we're going to bike in the morning and then go to town in the middle. And then the plan is to have our Thanksgiving tomorrow night. Just be thankful for each other.

I have a little bit of service out here. So well see if this posts tonight. But if not thank you for your patience. Goodnight!

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nopethatsnotembarrassing · 3 years

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So I haven't slept yet and its now almost 9 in the morning but let me tell you the mindfuck I just went through. I looked at my phone (which doesn't have am or pm as a part of the lockscreen) and thought "its 9??? Its still bright outside what the fuck is going on?!?" So I look at my computer i've been drawing on all night and see 9AM. Not pm like I wrongly presumed it was.

#my post

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littleliv1 · 5 years

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I Was Born To Love You- Ben Hardy fanfic- Part Three

Hello, loves! Loving the feed back in getting on this series! It’s for sure a long one, but I hope you guys are enjoying it!

Summary: Leah and the crew flew to London to film the Live Aid performance. She opens up to Brian about her life.

Warnings: sadness, death, angst

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Soon enough, Monday rolled around. It was 4 am. I grabbed my packed bags, pretty much filled with half my wardrobe and all of the make up and face/hair products I could take on the plane. I grabbed my passport, keys, purse, and phone and left for the guys' house. They were all staying in one big frat house that they had rented. After picking them up, I also picked up Bryan, Brian, and Roger.

'Austin has barely spoken to me since Tuesdasy.'

I drove to the airport. Everyone was asleep, after all, the flight left at 5 am. It was a long flight to say the least. I sat in between Ben and Gwilym. I connected with the two better anyways. Gwilym slept the whole time, and Ben complained that his back hurt and he was so tired that he couldn't sleep. I felt more like a babysitter at that moment. I comforted him and played with his hair until he fell asleep. I also fell asleep. I felt myself starting to dream.

There he was. My beautiful girl. I carried her with me for 9 months, she was 12 days early. She was so eager to get here. She loves playimg dress up. She was so outgoing. She had my eyes. I loved her so much more than I could imagine. I felt the love of my life behind me, holding me, kissing my neck. "We made that," I said, cradling his arms in mine. "We sure did." That wasn't Austin's voice. Who was this? I turned around to the familiar blonde who was currently next to me. I gasped.

I gasped so hard, I woke up. I woke up to my phone going crazy. Joe had tagged me in a picture on Instagram. It was a picture of the three of us; Gwil with his mouth wide open, dead asleep and mine and Bens heads against each other's sleeping as well. I smiled at the cuteness of the two, until I saw the comments.

'Who the hell is she?'

'Does he know she's married?'

'Her poor husband :('

They all assumed we were an item. I don't understand. "Um, Joe?" I said quietly. "What's up?" He said. "I really adore this picture, but would you mind taking it down? It's he comments," I said. He looked at it, and he looked shocked. "I'm so sorry, yes of course." He said. And with that, the picture was gone. Out of sight out of mind.

Hours later, we arrived in London. I had booked the hotel in advance, making sure the top floor of the nicest hotel in the area was reserved for them. The cast stayed in the rooms upstairs, the crew in the floor below. I figured it'd help with keeping the pap and crazy fans out. I made sure security was at its finest so the cast could from one place to another, safely. Once we arrived at the hotel, I showed everyone to their rooms. The guys requested to share a room, so I made sure they got the biggest room. It had two king sized beds. The guys, Bryan, Brian, Roger, and I had a quick meeting. I explained to all of them the plan, where everything was, and how transportation needed to go.

Rami raised his hand. "You don't have to raise your hand, Ram." I said. "Where are you sleeping?" He asked, the other guys responding with "yeah?" I laughed a bit. "I'm a few doors down. I've got the second biggest room." I said point to the direction of your room and flipping your hair. "Mmmm, no you need to sleep here with us." Gwilym said. "Who else will protect us?" Joe chimed in. "I'm your assistant, not your body guard." I said giggling a bit. I really was their babysitter. "Please, Leah? Pretty pretty please?" Ben whined. "I'll stay in here for as long as you want but I'm sleeping in my room, end of discussion. I'm married, remember?" I said, showing my beautiful ring. Ben looked at me, raising his eye brows. Only he knew what had happened. "I'm starving," Roger said. "Where can we eat?" "You guys can stay in my room and eat. My bags are unpacked and my room is ready, someone else is coming up here with your bags. I would unpack them for you but those are your personal belongings and I wouldn't feel comfortable with touching them. I've ordered some room service, I already know what you all like, so you guys can head over to my room," I said handing Bryan my key. "And chill out there for a bit. Just don't go through my stuff." I said. Everyone got up, Ben was the last out. Before he left, it was just us two in the room.

"How are things?" He said looking at my arm, the bruises had gone away. I nodded my head. "Okay. Could be better. Hasn't really talked to me. He's only come home before 3 am once last week." He could tell I had been holding these feelings in. "It sounds like to me you need to talk to someone about it. Get a second opinion." He said crossing his arms. I shrugged my shoulders. "Not much to talk about, really. He started to get really possessive and jealous when I took the job as assistant to Bryan. He's convinced that you all won't respect me. He didn't even care that I was leaving for a month or more. He only makes love to me when he's drunk, and it's not even passionate anymore. Just drunk, messy, and to be blunt, short. It's like he doesn't love me anymore but I know that's not true, I don't think." I said. I realized I had been rambling on for a while, I rambled myself near to tears.

I looked up at him and he seemed genuinely hurt by that fact that I'm hurting. I opened my mouth to say something, but was interrupted by a knock at the door and it opened slowly. "Bags, ma'am." A man said. "It's okay, come on in, leave them out infront if the beds, the boys can choose where they sleep." I said to him. He obeyed, and left to deliver more bags. "Sorry. I just can't really deal with this right now. It's best that we have this break, maybe this is just what we needed right now, a break. I don't want to focus on it, I want to focus on the movie." I said. I nodded at your comment. "Yeah." I said walking out of the room, into my room.

"Leah, you're a genius. How'd you know what we all liked?" Brian said. I laughed a bit. "It's my job to know." I said. I hadn't finished unpacking my bathroom bag, so I grabbed that and start to unpack it. "Hey, where's Ben?" Rami asked. "Probably still in your all's room. Your bags are in there, he might just be unpacking his. You all need to pick your beds." I said from the bathroom. Joe jumped up, running out the door. "I call next to Ben!" He yelled running to his room. The others followed. As I was unpacking, I saw some feminine hygiene things, which reminded me. I hadn't started yet. What day was it? I forgot when I started, but my period was never regular. I just knew I hadn't had one yet this month, and the month was almost over. 'Oh god please no...' I thought to myself. I couldn't have a baby, not right now at least. Not until he was better. Because he was sick. That's why he hurts me. He's just sick. While I was staring at it, Brian came to the door, knocking quietly. He smiled nicely at me. "Everything alright?" He asked, leaning against the door. "Oh, uh, yeah." I said, throwing them in your bathroom box, it was three drawers on wheels to keep things in when I'm away for long periods of time. "Anything I can do you for, sir?" I asked, making eye contact. The way he looked reminded me of my parents. It was hard to look at him but harder to look away. He shook his head. "No, not at the moment. You don't have to call me sir, love. Just Brian will be okay." He said smiling again. I nodded your head. I didn't mean to seem tense, but I couldn't help it.

"It's just you and me in here right now, but I want to get to know you, if that's alright." He said. "Alright, what would you like to know?" I said leaving the bathroom, sitting at the small table provided in my room. He sat across from me, facing the door. "Tell me about when you first listened to Queen." He said. "Hmm," I hummed, I don't really remember Queen becoming part of my life, they just were. "I can't say I remember, no. My parents," I choked at that word. "My parents, really enjoyed the music. Went to concerts all over the world, followed your A Night At The Opera tour, even. You all were part of our family. When Freddie died, it felt like they lost someone. It was very personal to them." I explained, chewing at my lip, praying he wouldn't ask what he was about to ask. "How did they react when you told them about this movie?" He asked curiously. I couldn't help but to get mad, but I couldn't show it at all, the man didn't know they were gone, it wasn't his fault.

'They were gone,' I thought.

I laughed to myself a bit. Not because it was funny, just ironic. I looked down, trying hard to not shed the tears that were already coming. "They, uh," I started. He grabbed my hand, he could tell this was hard for me. "They're no longer here." I said, wiping away the tears to keep my make up from running. He squeezed my hand, looking shocked and feeling the pain I felt. "They passed away in this crazy train wreck, it'll be two years next week actually. It happened about three hours south of here." I said trying not to lose control. "I haven't tried avoiding you or Roger by any means. It's just so painful still, but getting to know you two, two people who I've considered family my entire life, it's been incredible. Unreal. I'm so honored to assist you both." I said, looking in his eyes, with salty tears in mine. Right now, I just wanted Lola.

I felt a bond with him. Obviously not in a romantic, gross type of way. But I haven't felt a connection, a family connection, with someone in a while and I knew my body ached for it again.

"I'm so sorry, my love." He said. I shook my head. "No it's okay, I'm fine. It's still just so hard. I didn't have siblings, my parents, who were both only child's, are gone. My only family now is my husband and he comes home smelling like alcohol and uses me as a punching bag and a sex toy and-" I stopped myself when that came out. Brian grabbed my hand with his other hand. "You need to leave him, Leah. We're your family now." He said so genuinely. I shook my head. "No I'm just your assistant. That's all I'm good at is doing stuff for others. Not that I don't want to, I love helping you guys do things when you need help!" I said correcting myself, not wanting to sound ungrateful. I couldn't help but to break down. "I'm sorry." I said, I couldn't help but sob.

With that, my phone went off. The touring manager calls. I think it's about the set, there's been a lot of issues with that. "I'm sorry." I repeated. I felt bad because my problems weren't his and I know that, I just couldn't help telling him. And I left the room.

Ahh! So exciting finally getting to share this series! I might post part four later today. Hope you all are enjoying! Xx

#ben hardy x reader #ben hardy #ben hardy fanfic #sadness #brian may is literally a dad

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