#it's fine. there will be more chances etc.
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OUTTA MY MIND (teaser)
18+ / mdi
summary: getting a brand new job as a senior idol's manager was scary enough on its own, but it became even worse when said idol was jeon jungkook, idol of all idols. what made it even worse? when jungkook began taking a special liking to you, damning any conflict of interest his crush on you may have had.
content: idol!au, staff!reader x idol!jungkook, jungkook is shameless about his crush on reader, but it's fine bc reader likes him back!!, reader acts hard to get bc her job is too important though boo, afab reader, banter, jk is a flirt, reader is a little bit shy, a lot of rlly wrong info about working in the industry, smut, oral (f receiving), penetrative sex, etc.
(^ no actual content warnings in the teaser)
wc: 924 (teaser); 7.7k (full fic)
release date: may 31st
or you can check it out on my ko-fi or patreon today by subscribing to either one!
a/n: ive had this in the drafts for a while but kept forgetting to finish it lol anyways i hope u guys enjoy it once it comes out<3 (also not 100% proofread oops..)
masterlist | kofi/patreon
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Whenever you'd tell someone you worked within the entertainment industry, – the music industry, to be precise – people always showed a little extra interest in your words, probably assuming you to be involved in the flashier aspects of it. The statement on it's own sounded exciting, enigmatic even. This would only then be followed by disappointed upon finding out your specific profession of choice, deeming it less exciting than most.
You were a manager. No, you were not an active member of the entertainment industry itself, but you were one of the many pillars necessary for the talent to create the entertainment people would always seek.
Being as young as you were, it had been hard to get to where you were so quickly. Networking had been your best friend all throughout your career, eventually landing you in your current role – one that would only open even more doors for you.
It had only been a week since you had received a call from your friend – an old friend from an internship who just so happened to be a former Hybe video producer – letting you know of a recent opening as one of the many managers at the company. Having been between gigs at the time, you jumped at the chance without a second thought. Hybe? The biggest entertainment company in Korea? You didn't need any details before agreeing.
It was a few days later in which you found out the details. The opportunity had been even more life-altering than you'd thought.
Originally, you had believed you'd end up becoming manager to one of the many brand new rookie groups in the growing company. With so many surging youth in the industry, it made sense to you that you'd be assigned such a role, not having had any prior experience within Hybe itself.
Except that wasn't the case. Having previously worked and interned at a few other South Korean entertainment companies through the years, it seemed like Hybe deemed you experienced enough to assign you the role of becoming a senior artist's manager.
Jeon Jungkook.
Senior artist had been an understatement. Those had been the words written in your contract, explaining your role in excruciating detail, yet failing to mention that your client would be Korea's most popular singer.
You couldn't lie, you were insanely intimidated by your new role. Despite being proudly skilled at your job, becoming the manager of an idol who had been in the game for longer than you'd even been out of college was a bit scary. Jungkook had gone from the absolute bottom to the top, he had most likely lived through it all by now – what kind of expertise could you offer someone who had already seen it all?
Being manager of an idol differed slightly from managing any other person. Idol companies usually handled the schedulings, bookings, and the legalities of their artists. As a manager, you somewhat took the role of a bodyguard. You were meant to show up everywhere Jungkook went and become his spokesperson – vying for him as if your life depended on it.
And now it was too late to back out – not that you actually wanted to. All paperwork had been signed, you had your own personal Hybe badge and all the benefits that came along with working at the company. Any feelings of intimidation or fear for the role would have to be put aside as you walked into the Hybe building to meet with your new client; the boy you'd have to stick by 24/7 from now on.
You weren't sure what you were expecting upon meeting him. It wasn't like there would be any special introduction, or even as if you were his sole manager; no, he actually had a few others who would occasionally aid him in the absence of his main manager, which was now you. Today was a workday for him, meaning that he likely already had a few people in supportive roles as he did whatever it was that Jeon Jungkook did while working.
Walking into the huge building, after getting lost a few times, you made your way to the seventh floor, which, as you'd been informed, had various rooms designated for photoshoots. That's where you'd find Jungkook for the first time, presumably having one of the many shoots scheduled for this week.
Having possession of his schedule made you realize how busy idol life was. Despite having no public schedules all this week, he had a packed itinerary, filled with either shoots or signings or producing sessions. You hadn't even met him yet, but you were already assured that he was overly hardworking – and you had maybe also stalked him online this past week.
It was very unlikely you'd even speak to him, seeing how busy he was. Your duty, after all, was just to be one of the many members of his team, taking care of any logistics as you went around with him, but not taking away from his time by socializing with him.
Upon entering the room, he was the first thing you noticed. Ignoring every other person working the room, your eyes focused specifically on him. It was hard not to, since he was quite literally standing under the spotlight, modeling for a camera. But it was more than that. He had an aura that filled up the room. Putting aside every stylist and photographer in the room, every staff member and intern, he was truly the epitome of main character.
Fuck. Was this going to cause trouble?
....
you can check it out today on my ko-fi or patreon by subscribing to either one!
#bts smut#bts imagine#bts x reader#bts fanfic#jungkook imagine#jungkook x reader#jungkook scenario#jungkook fanfic#jungkook smut#bookmarks
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ngl I'm also not liking alot of the spec I'm seeing and it's making me really nervous for where the show is going. I love these characters and I don't want to see eddie go through all of that
Yeah, sometimes the fandom takes things to a much darker place than they do on the show, and I’m really hoping this is one of those times.
Like people were really expecting Eddie to fucking shatter in 5b when we saw him crying with the bat in the promo. There were all kinds of theories about him attacking Buck, possibly hurting Chris during a flashback, trying to kill himself, etc. The arc still explored how messed up he was, but he took it out on his wall, he kept it away from Chris as much as he could, and we didn’t actually see the breaking point or the destruction. A lot of it was implied and it stopped way short of going full HBO-level graphic and messy violent breakdown. Then he had one episode of focused recovery and was back at work and doing fine.
I have lots of issues with the pacing of that arc, but I think they hit the appropriate tone considering the rest of the show, and when and where the show airs.
So while people are going hard on this sleeping with his dead wife’s doppelganger, being fully delusional, destroying his entire life, Chris stays with Buck while Eddie ends up hospitalized, etc. I think (hope, really hope) there’s a good chance that the show won’t actually go that far because it is, at the end of the day, an optimistic show about healing. And a single dad so consumed by grief that he repeatedly cheats on his girlfriend to pursue an innocent woman who reminds him of his dead wife and completely destroys his mind, life, and family in the process is getting…a little dark.
It would get predatory really quickly and maybe they would’ve done it in the first season when all of the characters behaved in a more blatantly morally gray way, but the show has changed its tone a lot since then, and nothing in this season so far indicates to me that they’re going back to that. It would be a tonal 180 right at the end of the season while they're still trying to capture and keep new viewers on a new network.
Obviously we have no idea how far this will go, but my hope is that Eddie isn’t actually delusional, he doesn’t actually let it go that far, and the focus is more on the guilt and internal struggle weighing on him. Fingers crossed for panic attacks!
#i'm also really hoping that this stays relatively contained to eddie and buck#(and marisol and kim)#because the thought of eddie spiraling so violently suddenly and publicly makes me so fucking uncomfortable#and i honestly don't know if i could watch it
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omg pls share more about your sub stack project??
okay so SABBATEANISM.
the over-under: in the 17th century, in the muslim world, there was a man named shabbetai sevi, and he was making enormous, global waves because he was believed to be the messiah. i’m talking seriously, deeply, truly believed to be the messiah by people from all over the world. enormous amounts of gold donated. etchings carved. sincere true belief. kabbalist mystic etc. He was born in smyrna—he travels all over—the grand vizier has him imprisoned. It is a problem, of course, if this man is claiming to be the jewish messiah and people are believing him. Zevi is transferred between prisons before he ends up in one in Adrianople. The sultan, MEHMED THE HUNTER, hears about him and summons him to his court. Mehmet asks Zevi to explain himself. Who is he—really?
Here’s a good-enough retelling of sevi’s response, poetically true if not 100% word-for-word—although historicity matters loads:
“Shabbathai Zevi answered, with a trembling heart, and said, ‘My lord, the Sultan, I am a Jewish Rabbi. I fear the great God, the God of Abraham, from my youth till now. As to what men are saying concerning me, that I am the Messiah, when it shall come to pass at the time accepted by the great God, the question will be settled, whether it shall be accomplished by my hands or by those of another man. This is known to our God.’”
When the Sultan heard his words, he was wroth, and said, ‘If it be true, according to thy words, that thou fearest God, I will prove thee, as thy father Abraham was proved.’
What choice was Zevi asked to make to prove himself? An oft-repeated claim is that Zevi was given three choices: impalement; a trial by ordeal with arrows, which would, if Zevi’s claims to messiahdom were true, be deflected by heaven; or conversion to Islam. This is fascinating because it sets up three dimensions through which we can view a person’s belief:
Impalement—to die for your beliefs without, presumably, truly believing those beliefs. This is a hardnose kind of surrender. It lets you escape interpersonal shame—you won’t live to see the shame in your supporters’ faces, but you will also be giving up the game, implicitly, ante-mortem; you are saying that you are a fake. After all, if you were real, why not take the chance and face the arrows?
Trial by ordeal—to keep up the charade to the very end. This option, one hopes, would be preferable. And if the arrows are not deflected, hasn’t the Sultan just made the messiah into a martyr? Of course, seeing the so-called messiah’s claims refuted, and seeing the messiah bleeding and dead…it may show definitively that you were false.
Apostasy—to save your skin but bear the judgment of your disciples.
BEFORE WE SAY WHAT ZEVI CHOSE, we should toward the historiography surrounding Sabbateanism. Also, just internet history in general. Above you may have noticed the red-flag term: “oft-repeated claim.” It was said in relation to Zevi’s three-choices-ism. If you Google or Microsoft Edge (Bing?) the phrase “Zevi” or “Sevi” or “false messiah” alongside “three choices,” you will see that there are many websites describing the tripartite choice Zevi faced.
Even this Fine Judaica antiques seller, Kestenbaum & Company, typed the “three choices” story in their digital history-of-the-piece description.
And our nail-in-the-coffin, this-is-the-absolute-definitive-truth proof: Wikipedia says it.
Quoth that foul beast Wikipedia (okay, maybe I’m giving away where this is going):
The kaymakam informed Sultan Mehmed IV and Sabbatai was removed from Abydos and taken to Adrianople,[9] where the vizier gave him three choices; subject himself to a trial of his divinity in the form of a volley of arrows (should the archers miss, his divinity would be proven); be impaled; or convert to Islam.[16]
That’s that rumor we described earlier! Except is it really true? Let’s check out an interesting citational character from that Wikipedia excerpt—that [16]. That [16] should tell us something about the kind of historiography we’re working with here. The footnote source labeled [16] in the paragraph above that belongs to the Wikipedia article for Shabbetai Sevi is a 2011 book titled God is Not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything. This book is by Christopher Hitchens. And indeed, on page 171, Mr. Hitchens lays out the three-part system we are familiar with by now.
And yet no other historical source that I have found has been able to back up this three-choice idea. Instead, they relay something very different. Something much more dualistic. Something that sounds much simpler 2 our two ears. Zevi was offered two choices. Go searching on your own for old sources of this event. I’ll give one here, but you don’t have to just take my word for it.
Giacomo Saban, in “Sabbatai Sevi as Seen by a Contemporary Traveler,” relays:
When the Sultan saw him, he asked him if it was true that he was the Messiah of the Jews, as was being said everywhere. The Jew gave the Gran Signor the same answer he had given the Vizir, namely, that this was not true, although the Jews were making it known as such. "Perhaps," he said, "they have recognized in me certain talents and particular knowledge that God has granted me, and for this reason they prefer me to any other. I declare," he added, "in the presence of Your Majesty not to be the Messiah; in fact, I renounce entirely such a dignity."
"So be it," the Sultan answered, "but in order to remove the scandal that you have brought on the People of this Empire and in order to free your Nation from this lie, it is necessary that you become a Muslim or that you now resolve to die." He was given no more than a moment to decide. Without thinking too much about it, he readily declared that he wanted to live and die a good turk.
In the end, Shabbetai Zevi says that he is not the messiah—and not even, any longer, a Jew. He becomes a Muslim, a turban wearer (a very meaningful signifier of renunciation of what he was and acceptance of something else in this place-and-time), and, to put it charitably, pretty much a door holder for the Turks. (More, too, but for brevity, we’ll leave it there.)
All of this! What does all of this matter? It’s some microhistory in the Jewish Ottoman story. So what that Wikipedia got it wrong, said THREE instead of TWO? So what that Wikipedia getting it wrong influenced the narrative for pop culture pop history articles about Sevi?
IT MATTERS BECAUSE TWO OPTIONS VERSUS THREE OPTIONS IS VERY DIFFERENT. It matters because it shows a vulnerability in our information production line in the internet era. And it matters because if he was wrong about the basic, most fundamental details of Shabbetai Zevi’s story, what else might the author of God Is Not Great be wrong about?
Anyway! The substack is going to be called Three Choices From Adrianople. It’s going to go deep into the players in the Zevi story—Zevi, Mehmet, Nathan of Gaza, the vizier—in historical profile kind of way, but other articles are going to cover other false messiahs in the Ottoman world. I’m also hoping to tackle some theological elements, plus some MORE big historiographical issues.
#SABBATEANISM I DIDNT SAY BUT SABBATSANISM IS THE TERM FOR THE BELIEF SYSTEM OF ZEVIS SUPPORYERS AND FOLLOWERS#SOME OF WHOM MAINTAINED THAT HE WAS THE MESSIAH EVEN AFTER HE RENOUNCED THE TITLE HIMSELF#anyway sabbateanjsm is a major domino for frankism and lots of other “messianic” figures in the ottoman world
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I've got problems with whomever designed Thane's fingers.
Thane, Shepard / Mass Effect 2 (c) Bioware
Anyone remember that poll I posted in July? I shall share the results:
I did manage to produce two comics during my summer holiday but both were for Dragon Age, haha ha.... So there were delays for our second winner. But here it is! Thanks to those who voted :)
#thane krios#commander shepard#mass effect#mass effect fanart#comic#bioware#thane#shepard#custom shepard#dough scraper#never do I crave a dough scraper as much as when I look at thane's fingers. do people know about dough scrapers? whatever.#why do the fingers have to stick together? just give him one less finger if it's so damn important.#regarding the poll: sucks for everyone not voting for pathfinder as that game probably has the biggest backlog rn.#I don't know why I find that so funny. it just makes me giggle thinking about it.#anyway so I have been sick. I actually thought I would escape my summer sickness this year but alas. it arrived.#and at the worst possible time. every year my town holds this large and free culture festival and I was really looking forward to it -#but then the fever rolled in. I am still so upset. I'm crying over the spilled milk here. betrayal of the year.#it's fine. there will be more chances etc.
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doing important socializing activities (looking at lights and eating snacks)
#dogblr#rory borealis#my face#im working hard to socialize her properly#instead of the lackadaisical way i socialized mav#mav was fine it worked out but i left a lot up to chance#and shes a little more cautious to begin with#so im working harder to get her out and about#she almost doesnt fit in ny coat and she weighs one thousand pounds so idk how much more i can carry her in public#she is a gigantic puppy#but we suffer for those we love etc
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> be a robin buckley fan
> be lesbian
> project on robin
> look up "internalized homophobia robin buckley" on tumblr because it's cathartic
> 3/4 of the posts are about st3ddie or just about steve
#saw one in which steve was like ''no robin you don't understand! i have never been loved! i don't know how that feels like!''#i have several grips about that interpretation#going from the fact that's not true (dustin is clearly a big steve fan + robin herself cares about him deeply)#to the fact he probably wouldn't be introspective enough to voice his emotions this concisely not to mention he'd probably wouldn't take#a moment to realize he's never felt loved if that were the case. i mean. he could think that. when he's like 35 and more in touch with his#inner world. 19yo steve can't even get the hint that hitting on a girl who's already clearly taken (nancy) is wrong so like i don't expect#him to be that smart#but i can live with people having takes i don't agree with. my opinion doesn't have to be everyone else's opinion if you see steve that way#it fine#what bothered me was the fact he was saying this to a lesbian living in the 80s lmao#who tells him that 1) her whole life has been an error 2) she doesn't think he'd want to be close to her if he truly knew her and 3)#3) is paralyzed by fear of social suicide if she dares believe for even a second that the girl she likes may like her too#like i dont need people to do deep dives into robin lore and quote from memory lines from Surviving Hawkins abt robin feeling like she's#rotten inside. not supposed to have friends. feeling like something is wrong with her and that pushes people away etc etc#the fact that she's a lesbian should tell you enough abt who has the biggest chances of being loved 😭#also bothered me that it showed up when looking up posts abt internalized homophobia because?? where's the internalized homophobia therw#unless it's gay steve feeling bad abt it in an AU (as if canon robin didn't go through it)#like look im not bothered to find steve-centric content in the robin tag cos people are gonna tag her in posts mentioning her.#she's his friend.#but there are barely any posts at all about robin's internalized homophobia. like i saw 2 or 3. compared to all the steve or steddie ones#where's the love for my babygirl 😭😭#anti steddie#not really but y'know i don't wanna bother anyone#edit: the bit about there being like 3 posts on robin w internalized homophobia isn't exactly true. there are a few. but they still feel#drowned in st3ddie posts#like something isn't right here
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is gale actually the worst guy alive or do people just have personal issues that give them a complex whenever someone else is a master of their craft and confident about it 🤔 hmmmmmmm
#im sorry but i literally never found him to be abrasive bc yes an archmage and chosen of mystra and wizard and the designated Lore Dumper#is going to be more knowledgeable than you and that's fine LMAO#and him knowing abt the tadpoles isn't him being an arrogant know it all it's just him letting the character know what's at stake#and also the others given that some of them don't know that or feel pressured to act (see: astarion and wyll)#and re the sorc vs wizard stuff.. again... someone that has to go to school and study the art Is going to#be more learned and well read than someone that doesn't#someone that was an archmage and lover to magic itself and a child prodigy etc etc IS going to#know more like . cope#i just never found him to be horrible or as annoying as people say bc i don't take offense to confidence or prowess or info dumpers?#early access is a different beast. but official release gale? the guy who shares crazy life stories every time? and is trying#to bond with your character every chance he gets? and who doesn't admonish your character if you fail to channel#the weave and instead is a good enthusiastic teacher to your character? who has a reasonable reaction to your character#not taking him seriously and is super appreciative when they do? like. L + skill issue + get over yourself + it's really not tht serious#+ i'm telling tara + i'm also telling morena + smiting you smiting you smiting you smiting you smiting you smi#this dude was mentored by magic itself. he was taught by magic itself. he made love and was ''loved'' by magic itself. he was its chosen.#he was in contact with legendary wizards by the age of eight. he cast a spell using blackstaff. he was conjuring things#as early as a toddler. if his early access prowess is still canon then this dude was able to lift entire buildings#and battle beholders super easily and after the game he rebuilds half the city using his magic.#and so on and so forth like i'm sorry to say but gale really is that bitch and he's not an awful person for Knowing that and trying to#make that known so that he can have a purpose in the group like. hello. for the love of god hello whats not clicking 😭#and i'm not saying he's a humble precious bean i'm just saying that final release gale can be pompous and puffs himself up#but it's not like there's no merit to what he's saying LMAO#🤦♀️ anyway.
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i’m absolutely not complaining about ttpd as an album, i love it even more than i thought i would, but i do kind of wish she would’ve waited to release it until after the eras tour was over so it could’ve gotten its own tour :/ like the visuals and the stage design and the outfits are just sooo good and not only is it being cut down into only seven songs so it can fit into an already massive setlist, but everyone who went to the shows in the us, mexico, south america, asia, and australia — aka a huge portion of the tour dates — didn’t get to see any of it live. like it’s so impressive that taylor was able to add the ttpd section into the existing setlist but i can't help but feel disappointed bc this means we likely won't get a ttpd tour, which is something i would kill to see </3
#i know so many people demand new content from her constantly but with everything she’s been doing we didn’t NEED this album so soon yk#i personally would’ve been fine waiting another year or even longer if it meant ttpd could get its own era#bc it’s kind of impossible for it to fully have that when she’s already a year into this huge tour#she’s already had to cut so many songs to fit everything (not even everything bc there’s no debut set)#with lover/folklore/evermore not getting their own tours bc of covid it makes sense why she did the eras tour instead of a midnights tour#but now that touring is an option again it would’ve been nice for her to slow down her releases a bit to really focus on new albums more#idk maybe this is a hot take bc ofc the eras tour is incredible and i do feel so lucky to have gotten to go at all#but i just really wish i could see ttpd songs live and it seems like i won’t get that chance until the next tour#which will likely be years from now and who knows how many albums she’ll have put out by then#rn all i can do is hope that she’ll add another us leg or something so i can see eras again with the new setlist#but that’s very unlikely since she’s already added shows in miami/indy/etc none of which i can afford travel for let alone resale tickets#no one’s gonna even see this but if anyone does i hope it’s not taken the wrong way bc she’s given us so much in the past few years#sorry for the essay i just love ttpd and i want to see it live </3#lj speaks now
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oh so HUGE fucking update. asked advisor if i was throwing away my degrees to go to trucking school immediately after graduation and he said im just adding to my skill set. called dad and asked for permission to renew my lease and go to trucking school and he said i can run free for 1 more year. so now im doing trucking school research so i can get my CDL hopefully by the end of summer 23. then i can long haul truck or milk truck for like 2ish years. then if thats super lucrative i'll stick with it to keep saving money, otherwise i'll put my degrees to use and get some management or quality job at a dairy plant. then still by 2030 have money for land and goats
#hopes and dreams post#it was a crazy meeting. i went in there and i was like H am i wasting 5 years of effort and 110k dollars for a stupid escape plan#and he was like no... CDLs are useful within the dairy industry you could be a milk hauler or do your own distribution for your creamery#and i was like ok. im going to call my dad now#so i called dad and i was like ok so i want to be a trucker and H says thats okay. is that okay with you?#and he LAUGHED and long story short hes fine with it. hes okay with paying my rent for another year but i'll need to figure out truck schoo#the freshman was in there with me and she was like wow your dad is so supportive.... like yeah duh hes my dad we love each other#and hes okay with me being truck driver despite watching his hs classmates truck drive and i know we both have biases to work through#because i KNOW there is nothing wrong with being a truck driver but like. im more than that you know?#idk like i had all these opportunities and privileges and im using it to be a truck driver and dairy farmer.#and maybe someone who can only be a trucker would kill for the chance to do computer science or ornithology or marine science etc etc etc#and maybe ive taken that spot away and i dont deserve anything ever#but whatever. i get to just drive around. like ive always wanted. sword by my side. tunes blasting. by myself.#and at some point i;ll make cheese and ice cream and hang out in a field somewhere#idk. im not gonna make it but i can still make plans as if i will
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heart rate just 📈📉📈📉📈📈
#personal#lol ok so ig im going back even tho its dangerous as fuck. 16k+ confirmed now. being executed. i need so much#more money than i currently have just for survival and i always make ends meet but i hate having to worry abt it. i hate that theres a#chance i wont. ig im dating smn now ?? idk. but either way i want to kiss then and im excited but i am also discovering new things#abt how much approach to relationships has changed...like they called me beloved darling angel etc and i just couldnt#say any names like that back ? i no longer know how to respond to sincere declarations of romance. idk why i dont understand#why im suddenly so...this way . anyway i will find out why and i will move on. i have a meeting w a company soon and i have to read a bunch#of papers and do a bunch of research and hh AAAAAA. anyway x#tomorrow i have to teach 2 students for 3 hrs which is fine but the issue is it goes on top of lectures which means ill be#very tired.#the person im dating has a lip chain its rly pretty....they know a lot abt art and fashion etc etc its very cool#anyway yeah#its ok were ok im ok. cool. okay.
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ok so which part of "i dont want to have in depth discussion about the war on my silly fandom blog that i (and probably a lot of people who would end up seeing said discussions) use to get away from my real life where there is a war and 500 other horrors" is so hard to get
#mf i got like 10 asks about it bro i dont want to think about it !!!!!!!!!!#can i just dissociate and look at funney posts and gifset once every few days without#ppl treating me like a political blog. i already said all my opinions if u want them that bad just read them again#like questions about basic shit are fine but im not getting into deep political stuff that's not why this blog exists#if i post an opinion there's like a 90% chance it's coz i broke out of my dissociative slumber for#a few seconds in order to have A Thought ™ and I'll never think about it again. if you agree and#wanna expand on it that's one thing but im not a debate club and im especially not a discourse blog#anyway. dont send me asks that prompt discussions on the war or inflation or anything like that#i cant do anything about it and the more i think about it the worse it gets. ion wanna#log on here and open my ask box only to see 5 more asks about your russia headcanons especially when it's#straying into conspiracy theory level shit#im not a newspaper im just some mentally ill guy im here to look at gifs . please#barking#like again idk how to phrase this without sounding like i dont want any asks#asks about fandom discourse are always welcome. i might not publish it if the take is too hot but i always enjoy them#questions like ''how do you feel about /current bad thing/'' are ok but if it's#something I've been asked before i probably wont have anything else to say#essays about the war/economic crisis/housing crisis/etc... no ? please ? im just trynta enjoy whatever show im insane about currently#on here anyway. escapism and all
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You know, I haven’t fully wrapped my head around how I’m going to incorporate it, but I had a great idea for this grant proposal that’s making me very excited
Because I think. finally. I will be able to justify testing arabic-speaking children. I will get to find out what kinds of errors THEY make learning my arabiclike made-up language.
And plus I’m realizing that I like portland more than eugene, and oops, the two Islamic schools and the one Arabic-medium school are all in the portland area oh no I will have to spend so much time in portland if I get this grant oh well
…plus I just really want to be able to stay in one place for three more years, and let scone live in Oregon like he’s really wanted to for YEARS.
I love arabic and I love my pastry and I love how kids do language. I am very excited about this part of the project and I just. The likelihood of it happening is vanishingly low. But it’s more likely to get this grant than getting a TT job. So.
#a ~10% hit rate for grants sucks yes; but compared to the ~0.5% hit rate I’ve had for prof jobs…#also new PI maybe you can support me for a year like you suggested you might be able to in a lab manager-cum-postdoc kind of role#that would be great. I would do that too.#I will happily continue leaning on my network to keep me in academia#as full of toxic bullshit as it is. sigh.#it hurts to feel like I’m so full of promise and so good at what I do and for some reason everything is just arbitrary#maybe I get to do this study; maybe I get to HAVE A JOB#like even working with this PI; everyone before has been all ‘mmm idk that doesn’t sound like a good use of resources’#and so I was like oh okay this is never gonna happen that’s fine#but I’m talking to her one day (because when you get the chance to chat with the dept head you should!)#and she’s like ‘but wait why would it be not a good use of resources? I think this is potentially an interesting idea#so write me up a proposal and we’ll see if we can flesh it out some more!’#so even the answer of ‘sure!’ to ‘maybe I can do this study… maybe’ I’d foreign and strange#same thing for this hockey concussion etc stuff#like I say ‘this is my INCREDIBLE pie in the sky idea; maybe someday#…but seems unlikely’#and my current PI goes no yeah wait here are some things I’ve thought about in that direction#…and I happen to live next to retired NHL players… but it would be very weird of me to ask them so can’t do that right now; but future!!#and so I’m just walking around UO going ‘wait I really can just. do things? people are interested in my ideas?’#(please remember that at a formative time in my research upbringing my advisor called me boring and also that he might not pass me#and like. you get rejected from research jobs and TT jobs and grants and everything#so it’s no WONDER I’m like ‘ah yes my ideas are stupid and boring and why would anyone else be interested in them!’ like any academic is)#anyway it’s amazing how little we as academics ask for#and still get told lol no that’s very extravagant of you#because it’s supposed to be a ~vocation~ and a ~calling~ so we should live like monks#but you know what monks are actually respected members of society and have food and shelter and care provided to them#so yeah if you want me to be a monk of linguistics then you need to fucking treat me like one
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guy who didn't take their stop getting panicked and freaking out at everything and having unbearable heart palpitations and being unable to sleep pill voice guess who's feeling panicked and won't stop freaking out at everything and is having unbearable heart palpitations and can't sleep!! el oh el!
#i was like it's fine i don't even need them. dude there is a reason you went to all that effort to get them...#IDIOT!!#i know i complain on here alllll the time (follow for more complaining!) but you have no idea the extent to which i get through the day by#just not thinking about it. or thinking about it for two minutes then forcing myself to just. move on to anything else.#if i let myself spiral (like i did february) all of the time i simply would stop taking part in my life#because it's unbearable if you think about it. so i don't. but the constant pointed Not Thinking About It is exhausting#and the constant enduring is exhausting the constant Taking What I Can Get is EXHAUSTING (hence. the february breakdown)#and now nothing is BETTER it's just. child psychology voice kill yourself or get over it. and so i got over it. but that's not LIVING.#and my parent's think i'm just fine now because i'm fucking on the pill or whatever and i'm trying anxiety meds etc etc#but fundamentally the truth is the same (i'm not built to be happy and i wasn't built for this life)#and i'm just back to the trying! the trying and trying and trying and swallowing pills and practicing tai chi and#opening the windows and eating oranges and sharing poems and appreciating the little things#i'm tired of appreciating little things. i want big things!#and no i won't kill myself. if you keep living there is some chance life will become worth living at some point however low#and if you die then that chance drops to zero. so fine. whatever. i'll get over it#but this isn't good. this isn't a good life! every day i have to wake up and remember there's nothing here for me!!!!#YES every day is a renewed chance that life will become good but how can i not be burdened from every day that came before that was just#nothing?#something has to change and I'VE tried changing i'm ALWAYS changing it's always ME#a new mindset a new coping mechanism and new positive mental attitude#but that doesn't fix that fundamentally life as it is for me is Not Worth It. ok. if i have to live the rest of my life trying to rewire my#brain so it feels whatever sense of hope it can from the Tiny Little Things that aren't completely miserable and desolate like a stranger's#kindness or a nice treat from a shop or a pretty skyline. if that's all i'll ever get?#what are we doing.#in conclusion: let's create life 2 where everything is so so beautiful for everyone
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no museum email. that's alright we keep moving
#applied for a bunch more this morning#i think i have a good chance at this science centre's day camps#which pays alright#worst case i'm scooping ice cream in a little hut in a park for minimum wage which is. fine#i'm in the shade i get to sit and read etc#and then i'll find smth better in september
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I am so scared of growing up. My eighteenth birthday is so far away yet approaching so fast and I'm just scared of it. I don't want to be an adult. I feel like I'll lose my freedom, my relaxation, everything I love won't be considered "appropriate" for me anymore. I don't know if I have the ability to get a job and pay for my own home or apartment, and my parents have mentioned plenty of times their plans for when me and my siblings move out. I don't know if I can get into college and if I don't, I might end up working at McDonald's or Wal-Mart in jobs I hear nothing but how bad they'll be. But I also don't think I want to go to college, though I feel like I'm expected to. thinking about all that scares me. Whenever I think about my future, my mind always wanders back to the same concept. I don't think I'm seriously considering it, but I always wonder if I should kill myself before I become an adult. Then I wouldn't have to deal with it. I'd die how I want to be.
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#growing up is scary but real talk? at 17/18 you have NO idea just how insanely young you still are.#it's very cliche but you have your whole life ahead of you!!#being young or being 'you' does not end from one day to the next#if anything you only get MORE chances to build your life the way you want it and like it as you get older!#but yes the time inbetween being a child + being a full fledged adult in charge of their own life can be scary and hard to navigate and dar#*dark#and it can be REALLY hard to find what you want to do or be in life#some people never figure it out and that's okay!! not everyone has a calling or a passion#if you end up working at mcdonalds and earning enough to live and you're not miserable?#then WHO CARES if it's not a prestigeous job? you're making a living and being a part of the community and you're doing fine.#also even if you work at mcdonalds/walmart/etc at one point that does not mean you'll be there for the rest of your life.#like i said the next 5-10 years can be hard and feel like they'll determine your life and you can't see past the immediate future#but there is SO MUCH MORE beyond young adulthood. that's only the start!!#sorry if this is incoherent dskjdsajkdkja your position hits a little close to home#you'll get through it anon and you'll be totally fine :)#even if you don't end up where you think you want to go... as long as you're happy what does it matter if it went according to plan?#life is impossible to 100% plan for anyway!#secret#anonymous#confession#tw suicide
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So, last night I was thinking about FF14 and Skyrim again.
Specifically, my feelings of "I played this game all day - do I feel like I actually did anything today, or not".
If I manage to play Skyrim for basically a full day (instead of some random burst of an hour), I usually feel like I've "advanced the story" of that character, gotten better gear, established the character's personality a little bit (doing X instead of Y, prioritizing this quest over that, commentary through regular gameplay, etc).
So I don't necessarily feel like I "did a lot of things today", but it does feel like there's an "accomplished" feeling, kind of.
If I play FF14 a full day, I feel like-... It feels a bit as if I've watched a really long movie (especially if I played MSQ)? It's a sometimes-good movie, so I don't necessarily regret it, but... that's it. Between the queues for dungeon-diving and travel-time, a lot of the gameplay really amounts to "watch a cutscene".
So, I learn new stuff about FF14-lore, I might get inspired into creating a fancy new outfit for a class, and... a few numbers go up? The aftermath of playing FF14 really does feel as if I've spent the day watching a weirdly prolonged movie.
#a part of me keeps making annoyed noises and saying ''just buy the fucking game already''#bcs then i'll have bigger caps available. more outfits. etc. but then i remember that it's a subscription.#a subscription that will lock this character forever if i stop paying the fee. and suddenly i REALLY don't wanna.#and the fact that i keep feeling as if ''this is a movie - not a chance to create new and interesting characters''?#it definitely pushes ff14 closer towards something like no-character-creation The Witcher and actual-railroading Divinity 2#and... yeah. mmos aren't exactly famous for letting you develop ''interesting characters'' in the story or whatever#but that's usually bcs there isn't a LOT of story. and it's usually very ''start a new character''-friendly#which ff14 is very much designed AGAINST (you can do all the classes as one character. msq is really fucking long. etc)#so despite how deeply invested ff14 is in its own story. it almost feels like the player isn't allowed to INTERACT with it.#skyrim has many faults (many many faults) in its story. but usually there's an ability to pick and choose what parts to interact with.#i could play as a thief and NOT join the thieves guild. i could ignore the civil war. or alduin. or miraak.#i can even make a choice sometimes to pick a side (dawnguard/vampires. empire/stormcloaks.)#there are even some daedric quests that allow for ''murder the innocents or get cool new item''-choices.#do those choices matter a lot as far as gameplay is concerned? not really. but for a character-story? it's incredible.#so ff14 has this whole world of amazing things. and you HAVE to play through msq to see it.#and msq doesn't really allow you to be anything other than ''heroic and steadfast warrior'' with MAYBE a bit of flavor-text mixed in.#which would be fine in most mmos. bcs the story is such a small part of the game. but ff14 has a FUCKTON of story.#so... you get to choose what your character looks like. and then you get to see them in lots of cutscenes.#bcs you don't really have any control over WHO this character of yours really is. just what they're wearing.#so yeah. it ends up feeling a lot like i've just watched a movie. not done something ''creative'' for character-building.#ff14#skyrim#personal stuff#video games#rants
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