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starshipsofstarlord · 3 years

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World Revelations

@etherealsxnder

Warnings; spoilers for season 13, mentions of death, angst, lack of hope, some Alex Calvert x reader, and tiny bit of jack x reader, swearing, brief illusions to sex, angry brothers, mentions of a sex scene, insecurities, online hate, protective winchester brothers, apocalypse world, major character death, lucifer

(Y/A/N) – Your Acting Name.

A/N; it’s a little bit different from the request, so sorry about that, but I hope that any one that reads this enjoys. Also sorry about the wait, I had bad writers block, but when I started writing this it sorta figured itself out and I may have got carried away. Feel free to tell me what you think ☺️

“Look, I am not going to some other world to help stop Michael. But I can help you in another way, one where none of us get harmed.” Gabriel shrugged, reducing Sam’s expression to confusion. The archangel had felt like their last hope at retrieving their mother, into delving into the apocalypse world, and here he was, turning him down.

He had tried his very best to make the celestial being better, and here he was, talking again, able to use his grace rather than have it removed and syringed into a demon’s veins. However, he still refused, and the hunter had no other plan in forcing Gabriel into helping. This was the last shot, and it had been blown.

But however could he still help? This was the primary problem that had to be solved, there was no other route they could take to bring their family back together. And that was all that mattered in this life, saving people, remaining together.

“What are you talking ab-“ Before Sam could complete his question, Gabriel set him with a poised glare, and snapped his magical fingers, a spark of electric blue grace sparking from the action. That was all Sam saw before he felt himself transported, and once he opened his eyes, he remained in the bunker, however there were cameras around him, and an entire filming crew.

Gabriel had sent him to the other life, another world in which he presumed that he was called Jared. “What the hell Sammy?” Dean barked from beside him, twisting and turning his sights around, upon realising that although this looked like their home, it was an alternate version of it. A set, made of fake walls and truthless literature that was not at all necessary in this peaceful, monster-less realm. “Son of a bitch!”

“Cut!” One of the cameramen called out, shaking his head exasperatedly at the line said wrong. Jensen had been doing so well, and Jensen seemed to have slipped far too into character, to the point where he had forgotten his lines. “Do you need to see the script again, or would you rather take a short break?”

“I’ll go for the break.” Dean confirmed, grabbing Sam’s forearm and hastily dragging him from the onlookers, and towards which he assumed was his, well, Jensen’s trailer. It looked pretty much the same as last time. “Gabriel?” He asked, rightly assuming that the blame of this mishap ordeal was down to the glowing figure.

“He refused to help us open a rift.” Sam licked his lips, his eyes jutting around the luxurious space. “And then he snapped his fingers, and we were here.” Here, another earth. However this was not their home, it was a disfigured writing of it, if anything, it was worse than the books Chuck wrote. There were more fans, and more complications that came along with being here in place of the actors.

“We don’t have time for his tricks.” Sighed Dean, raking his hair with his rough hand. “Parading around as a painted whore is not on my agenda, all I care about is getting mum back, we have to get home quick.”

“Dean, I don’t think that this is a trick…” Sam spoke to his elder brother, in thought of Gabriel’s words. “He said he could help us in another way. I don’t think he meant taking us away from the problem, there must be something else.” No matter how much he rolled the idea around his head, he could come to no conclusion.

“What?” There was already plenty on the man’s mind, he didn’t need another incident coming their way. Dean was to begin speaking again, until a knock rapped against the door to his double’s trailer, intruding his mindset. Him and Sam shared a glance and frown until Dean called whomever was on the other side in, and to their dismay, he looked exactly like Castiel.

Misha Collins. Last time they had visited this place, he had died, but the return of the real selves must have somewhat fixed the timeline, he looked well, even if he still was dressed as their angelic friend. “Hey, I was seeing if you are ready for the scene tomorrow.”

“Scene? Which scene?” ‘Jared’ asked the colleague of his false identity, unaware of the context in which Misha spoke in. Dean only huffed and rolled his eyes, until Misha spoke, and he froze, both the brothers understanding Gabriel’s meaning for sending them to this world.

“(Y/N)’s death scene. Apparently it’s gonna be quite emotional, and it’ll be strange after, not having the kid on set anymore.” It was a revelation, a nightmare that foreshadowed the truth in their own dimension.

“Thanks uh- Misha.” ‘Jensen’ rubbed his hand over his face, shocked by the oncoming doom. They had already lost far too many members in their makeshift hunter family, but this was different. This was their sister, whom they had protected and vouched to continue doing since the day she was born. And now the universe had this grand plan of cutting her young life short, and sending her to either heaven or hell, where so many people they loved already were.

“Do you know where um, (Y/A/N) is right now?” Sam asked, desperate to somehow convince her to remain on the show. It was the only way in which he could save his younger sibling, and he would, by the gods, do anything that he possibly could. Him and Dean had already had meetings with death himself, he couldn’t allow the new version to come and take you.

Billy would not compromise, she was intent on having a Winchester under her cloak, forever taken from life, never to return to the living. And they couldn’t take a chance, any chance on not getting (Y/N) back, she was a legacy as were they, but she was supposed to live on for longer. Their names would otherwise be nothing more than memories in the world of hunters, until they faded into distant and dead members of the community.

“In her trailer, I think. She’s rehearsing with Alexander I think.” The name that he mentioned was unfamiliar to the unfitting pair, but they spared no thought to it. Instead they sent him a quick smile before leaving the confines that they felt trapped in, and began their search for the actress of their sister.

“We have to change her mind Sammy. If she stays on the show, then our (Y/N) lives. It is the simplest solution.” Dean spoke as they walked through the lines of trailers, unable to find the name that they were searching for on any door. “Where the hell is her damn trailer?”

Sam squinted, until a name he had heard was seen on one of the doors. Alexander, whoever that was. Before he could even put any thought into his actions, he subconsciously knocked on the door, waiting a moment for an answer. And when the door opened, they were met with who looked like Jack, his hair a mess, and his shirt hanging over his shoulder, clearly put on in panic.

“What’s up guys, need something?” He scratched the back of his neck, impatient with the situation, considering the one that he had been interrupted from. A part of him feared that this was one of Jared’s infamous pranks, he had mostly been on the end of shifted lines, but worse could have been heading his way for all he knew.

Dean frowned at the sight of young man, it hardly felt right seeing the innocent boy that they knew with sex hair and slight bruises upon his neck. He cleared his throat, keeping up his expression, as he spoke to the boy. He had softened up to Jack, he was their kid in some ways, but this was no Nephilim, if anything it was worse, it was a man who impersonated they kid.

“Heard that uh, (Y/A/N) was running lines with you. Y’know where she is?” Alex’s eyes shifted slightly inside of his personal space, before everything was given away by a familiar giggle. It sounded the exact same as the one that often left (Y/N)’s mouth. Dean knew it, he would never be capable of mistaking it.

The noise had renegaded in his ears since she had been born, in the impala as John drove, through the halls of the bunker as her and Sam made jokes about his cholesterol. At the worst of times, before he knew that they existed, he liked to think that it was the voice of angel, she always guided him on the right path, and if she were to disappear from his life, he would sorely lose the track that he was hellbent on walking down.

And he could see her face now, as she tugged the sheet over her body. A frown sculpted her expression, as she looked exasperatedly between Alex whom had tried to lure the tall pair from the confines of his trailer, and the intruders who had barged carelessly in. It wouldn’t have mattered so much if her and Alexander had actually been running lines, however the situation explained more than enough of the fact that they indeed were not.

“Jared, Jensen, can you like, I don’t know, not cockblock me, for once in your elderly lives?” It felt peculiar, for both Sam and Dean. They knew that this was not their sister, but her calling them by other names was so foreign. Their skins crawled at the labelling, and it only reminded them farther of their cause, the reason that they were sent by an angelic being to be here in this very moment.

“I am also getting bored of it.” Alexander tilted his head, in agreement with (Y/A/N), who only grinned at his compliance to suit her opinions, and Dean could only roll his eyes, just like he did with Jack the majority of the time. “But it’s cool, but can we hurry this along, I mean not to be rude, but aren’t you guys supposed to be filming a scene in like five minutes?”

Sam cleared his throat, admittedly he did like Jack. The kid was sweet, however this was not him, it rather was a man who pretended to be a Nephilim for payment, and was bedding the doppelganger of his sister. If he were to see his sister and the devil’s child in such a compromising predicament, most people would assume he’d be the calm sibling, but they’d be wrong. He would go mad, and think of a way to keep the pair separate.

But luckily for them, there had never been such adult situations insinuated between their dear (Y/N) and Jack, or at least not that they were aware of. This riled Dean, and so he couldn’t help but feel like exploding. It angered him that any man had laid their bare and lustrous hands upon his youngest sibling. No one was to have that pleasure, she was supposed to remain innocent, even if she were legal.

“Seriously?! Jack of all people?!” He bellowed at (Y/A/N), shaking his head at their obvious exchange. If (Y/A/N) had any clothes on underneath the white sheet that hugged her body as she lay on the sofa, her instincts would have driven her over to Jensen and her palm would have met the side of his stubbly face.

“First of all, you need to start remembering Alex’s name, and that goes for Jared too. You can’t just keep calling him Jack, even after I’m done here and move onto my next project.” Her words, although not having the intent to, had the effect of triggering Sam’s goal, in-deliberately reminding him of their foremost goal. It was not to get angry at the characters that played them and their loved ones, it was to save someone that was incredibly important to their world.

“And second,” the woman in covering continued, “this isn’t exactly going to get me to stay on the goddamn show, if you barge in here, interrupting our privacy. If you don’t like what me and Alex are doing off screen, you sure aren’t going to like what is gonna go down between (Y/N) and Jack. Sometimes I do swear that you’re just like Sam and Dean.”

The jab she made at them struck nerves, but they knew that this was not the real her. It may have looked like (Y/N), but this was only a woman who played the part of her. “We’ve been trying to make you stay on the show?” Sam asked, his voice soft. He didn’t want to be harsh, she was already uncomfortable enough.

It was her unknowing that they were actually Sam and Dean that could be an element that they could use, a tool of convincing. “Yes, for weeks now.” (Y/A/N) sighed, pinching the point that was between her eyebrows. “And I’m getting tired of it, and overall, this character. I’ve played her for years on end, I think that her story should have a finishing point, a finale. I’m ready for bigger and brighter things, something that is not pretending to be a strong woman on set, and as soon as I walk away from the cameras, I go back to being weak.”

“I think you’re going to have to explain a little more if I’m going to get any of that.” Dean prompted, both him and Sam had turned away, giving the actress in the sheets the privacy to change. The shuffling of fabrics could be heard, they had been in worse situations with their sister, small motel rooms, of which they could usually only afford one in the past, helped nobody. And none of them received the personal space that should have been an outright human right.

“Of course neither of you understand.” Alex sighed, “she wants a smaller workspace, one where there aren’t so many eyes on her. The whole ordeal got out of hand, and now there are people online saying terrible things about her and I. Neither of you have made such a mistake, or had something so sacred and personal leaked on the internet. The things people say really digs in deep, she at least wants a break, can’t you understand that?”

“Wait, what got leaked?” Sam’s curiosity often informed him of things that he did not wish to be aware of, and this was one of their instances. Alex huffed and rolled his eyes, walking over to where (Y/A/N) was now fully clothed, and took a seat on the sofa beside her, their eyes meeting and mirroring smiles shining at one another.

The sight admittedly made Sam smile, but it made Dean feel internally sick. The sight of what looked like their sister and Jack fuelled a fire inside of him, he wanted his eyes to burn and the memory to be forever removed from his sights.

“Look, you play a pretty badass character, although I’d say Dean has a bit more kick to him.” The man himself chuckled, but no one joined in, so he continued through a forced smile, coming to sit down next to Alex, his ignorance to what happened there merely minutes ago encouraging his brother to cringe.

“But that’s not my only point, you’re here, whilst those sad souls that sit behind their computers all day waste their time typing crap. The life you have, the family that you have here, is worth more than the opinions of a few, invisible idiots, who are only jealous of everything that you have earned for yourself. Don’t breathe their toxicity win, because if you do, the bad guys win, and then you will only fade out of the spotlight and they’ll forget all about you, and all of the things they ever posted about you.”

Alex had been understanding through all of (Y/N)’s decision to leave the cast, although to begin with he had tried to convince her to stay. And it seemed out of all of them, it was Jensen that made her reconsider her options, he could see it behind her eyes, the unravelling of interest, the flickering of hope.

The only thing that the younger actor could not tell were that these were not Jensen’s words, they fell from the lips of Dean Winchester himself. A character that he knew of, and was an important symbol on the show that he was cast on. But it did not matter if he was not aware of that snippet, because it changed nothing, other than possibly (Y/A/N)’s mindful decision.

“You know what, you’re right Ackles. It’s not often that I say that, but the thought of leaving everyone here, settling for something that I have no connection to or history with, it is undermining. And I’m going to talk to Kripke, he’ll be over the moon with the consideration, however if he chooses that (Y/N) is to die as was planned due to my indecisiveness, then that shall be the battle that I am to bargain with.” They had won (Y/A/N) over, it was victory.

It was also the closest that they could do by themselves to save (Y/N). If this didn’t work, they would be nothing more than John’s broken tools, defined by all those that they were always mourning. And it would only make their sister another name on that sour list, even if her death would pain them substantially more than others.

“I guess we’ll go then.” Sam awkwardly spoke, encouraging Dean to stand from the christened furniture and join him in leaving the sexually active couple alone. He sent the woman a nod, and Alex a raised eyebrow. He would have Jack’s head if he ever thought he had the guts or wings to be so intimate with their sister, he’d make him feel something, and it would be painful. Torturous even.

They shut the door behind them as they departed from the actors, a smirk on Dean’s face. He felt victorious, he was the same hero that would read (Y/N) stories when it was dark and a storm was thundering outside, as she hid under the duvet of some dingy motel bed, a torch protecting her from the enveloping bleakness, but also her brothers. “I’d call this a win.”

“They said about a video…” Sam had Jared’s phone in his hand, he scrolled through the feed with a wrinkled nose and scorned eyes. After he received an answer to what it was concluding, he put the device away, he could never look at Jack and (Y/N) around each other the same again. It was burdened by the facts of this world, contradicting the innocence that both the kids in their world showed. “It was a leaked sex scene of the show, Dean.”

“Heck no!” Growled the elder brother, shaking his head. The instant images that flashed through his mind of the Nephilim atop of his little sister made his teeth grit in anger, and a pit of queasiness fold in the cave of his stomach. He already wasn’t too sure on Lucifer’s spawn, this only enhanced that formed opinion, and he wished to shoot the child more than ever in this instant, even if the real him was not around.

“They’re not actually the people we know Dean.” Sam comforted him, easing his anger, but only slightly. “Nothing like that has happened between them, he is in another world, whilst (Y/N) is in the bunker, reading lore and trying to find a way to bring mum and Jack back to us.”

“Yet Sammy, nothing has happened yet.” He allowed himself to shut his eyes for a second, and the next thing that he knew, he was returned home. His speech must have worked on the employee of the show Supernatural, otherwise, Gabriel surely would not have returned them to their home world.

“He’s gone, for chuck sake. How are we supposed to bring Jack and Mary back if we don’t have archangel grace?!” The stressed voice of their younger sibling often triggered a debate from the brothers, but seeing and hearing her, it was a miracle. They couldn’t waste time and argue, instead Sam lurched forward, grabbing the girl and bringing her into the embrace of his giant like arms.

“We’ll figure it out (Y/N/N), we always do.” He spoke softly, earning a confused yet pleased smile. The hug had come out of nowhere, but it calmed her nerves, the rushing of the blood that hurtled around the veins of her body slowed, and it gave her a moment of peace, a blank mind before she began researching again.

“I have a question.” Dean stated with his gruff tone, squinting at his female sibling. He suppressed a smile, she was oblivious to the blockade that had rested above her head like a raincloud, but he knew that she was here for good. And that she was not leaving to any sort of afterlife any time soon. “Do you have the hots for Jack?”

(Y/N)’s eyes went wide, however she forced a scoff to hide the shock and cover up anything that her brothers could pick up on. She released herself from Sam’s hold, taking a couple of simple steps backwards, so that she could have a clear view of the expressions that both of them wore. “Are you seriously asking me that at a time like this?” Her sentence was finished with a sigh and a roll of her eyes.

But her brothers knew their sister well enough, and that she indeed did not want to admit something to them. (Y/N) was much easier to read than (Y/A/N) was, they had known this growing woman since the day that she was born, the same day in which John rescued the shrieking baby from a mother that was fed and eaten by wolves. She would have been next, however the hunter saved her, as was in his job description, but he couldn’t bare to let her stream through the system.

He felt an attachment to her, and looking at her was practically the same as the notion of peering at one of his boys. She was to be a Winchester, he hadn’t decided it, but God himself did. The universe worked in mysterious ways, it was as though it was all written out for the family, but this instant, none of them minded. It gave the boys another reason to fight, another person to love, and eventually another family member to lose.

But it had been evaded this time, Gabriel had although not helped them with reaching their mother and the son of Kelly Kline, however, he had somewhat saved (Y/N) himself. Without his trickster interference, they’d have never known of her doomed fate, or have been able to fix it.

“I’ll take that as a yes.” Dean was smug with being right, as he always was. Overall though, he was more pleased to know that they had stopped the crumbling of the bottom of the family tree, they had protected their sister, literally to the ends of the world.

“Pick up a damn book and help me, I’m not doing all of this research by myself.” Another sign that he was indeed correct, changing the subject, how original. But neither of the brothers, more so Dean than Sam, even wanted to try and switch the mindset that (Y/N) had about the boy. They were allowed to have feelings, romantic and so on, and their sister appeared happy with the tether that was from her heart to Jack’s.

The vampires were almost mutated. This apocalypse world had really taken a toll on all life. Michael of this plain had destroyed everything that was known to be true, even living itself. The habitat of these morsal creatures was dark, and disgusting. Humans had already tried to pass through the deadly lair to reach the other side, to get to the rebellion camp, however, no one had survived to the opposite end of things.

(Y/N) felt hopeless, even as she walked through the home of the starving monsters. She had never been a fan of vampires, no hunter was, but this was cruel to every extent. They didn’t even appear as human anymore, their fates had been cursed by this ruined land. Without the world that was in her own, they would be worse off, everything in this dimension was.

Everyone of their company was on edge, Dean ensured that he kept a sturdy eye forward, looking for any light. He knew (Y/N) would have to be okay, it was paved for her to be so in the other universe, she’d be fine. Of course, he still worried, that was what he did in retrospect, all day, every day, he worried that it was to be someone’s last.

And he was right, as the monsters crept from the dark, tasting the scent of rushing blood in the air. They had lured them from their slumber, and they began to attack, dragging one of the travellers towards their death, where they would be fed on until he was completely drained. (Y/N) swung her machete, beheading one of the animals without a second glance, but perhaps she should have spared another look on the side, as she was a target.

She was the prey to what she was raised to hunt, it wrapped its clawed hand around her leg like a coil, dragging her to the ground, and feasting its teeth into her supple flesh. This was it, there was no route away from her fate, and her body was already weak from blood loss, and so she gave up, and refused to fight. Her body was dragged into the abyss of the nest, and its members followed after her.

Sam noticed their apparent glee, they had yet again prized food from them. He looked around to see whom it may be, and he was aghast with the sight. (Y/N) had her eyes shut as her limp form was being taken by vampires, and he froze, traumatised by the sight. And his surprised and hurt stature gave another of the beasts the perfect opportunity to rip into the rubber of his neck, and relish in the unstoppable river of blood that poured out from the fatal wound.

“No!” Dean cried out, noticing that his sister too had disappeared. Before he could follow after the menaces and get vengeance, and possibly save his family from being the meal of savages, Castiel grasped his arm, pain rendering in the blueness of his vessel’s eyes.

“They’re gone Dean.” His words rang through the hunter’s head. This was his worst nightmare. Gabriel’s warning had not helped at all, because (Y/N) was dead, and so was Sam. He forced himself to trudge on, pained like no other time before. Sam had died before, but he had always found a way to retrieve him back into life, and even through his tragic absence, he always had (Y/N). Now, the only other Winchester was his mother, who also needed to be saved from this damned world.

“Think about it Sammy, Jack is going to be so pleased to see you alive, but your little sis, well, I’m sure that is going to be one hell of a reunion between them.” Lucifer smirked, he was in Nick’s body again, using it as a vessel. “And he’ll think of me as a saviour, a knight that saved his princess from a terrible fate.”

The fallen archangel always had ulterior motives, and Sam realised that he had no choice in whether he’d rather remain dead, or be used as a bargaining chip by the devil himself. His interest in Jack was not exactly pure, it was clear to the man that he sought the backup, the power of his biological son. His intent was to creep into the boy’s mind, and decipher for the kid the difference between wrong and right.

“That’s what you want, to lie to him about who you are?” He couldn’t exactly say he was surprised, even more so that the audience of vampires were seething to break free from Lucifer’s force. He wasn’t even supposed to be here, he should have been in the bunker, his grace feeding away at Rowena’s spell, and keeping the gate open for their return.

“I’ll just bend the truth to fit the story, and I care about my son. As you care about your dear sister, and it would be a shame if she were not to wake, and then the news will have to be delivered to my boy, and I’m sure that would just break his half and half heart.” The celestial being, the epidemy of evil tutted at the thought, only to send Sam a mischievous smirk afterwards. “You don’t want him to be like me, but without her, he’ll be in so much pain that he won’t think about his actions. If he has (Y/N/N), then that choice will be entirely up to him, and what he believes in, yada yada yada.”

The sight of his sister covered in her own blood, motionless on the ground, bite marks on her shoulders and elsewhere drew out a desperation in Sam. He couldn’t not allow the villain to bring her back to life, and it seemed that no matter what he disputed, that Lucifer would do it anyway, to get himself in Jack’s good books. And so he hung his head low, awaiting the personal enemy of his to resurrect the most important woman in his life.

On first instinct, (Y/N) gasped in air. There was a lack of it rolling around the vitals of her lungs, but her breath was taken away once more, when she saw the looming of a horrifying figure, a first son of god. He was supposed to be, even if forced to do so by the traditions of magic, be at the bunker, revelling them with a way back. Rowena had been left there also, to keep the spell brewing, and a fearful eye on the hellish shadow.

Assumingly, he had escaped his sentence, and for some reason, brought her to life. It was no mistake as to what the vampires had done to her, she could smell the spilling of her own blood over her thrifted and worn clothes, and it was gruesome. Although it was not the hunter’s first time in being a sponge to her injuries, but nevertheless, she fought to stand beside Sam, who steadied her shaken feet, and balanced out the rest of her body by looping his supportive arm around her waist.

“Come on.” Lucifer rolled the human eyes that he wore like spectacles into the lives of the Winchesters, unimpressed by the slowness of the world’s large cockroaches. “We have places to be and sons to meet.” At his verbalised of clarity for his ungodly presence, (Y/N)’s body became rigid. His intent was to get to Jack, she couldn’t allow him to provoke a fire inside the boy.

He was sweet and innocent, even harmless, despite the accident that had happened when he accompanied her and her brothers on a hunt. If Lucifer reached him, he would only try and navigate the darkness inside of him to be what it was, rather than try and make him change it into something brighter, something that was good, like Kelly would have wanted.

“No.” (Y/N) refused, earning a frown from Sam and a elongated groan from Lucifer. She had died, it didn’t matter if she were to return to that fate, not if she stood by what she truly believed in. Nothing much would change, other than the vampires getting another meal from the same body, Dean already thought that she was extinguished from life, and the news would be passed on before any of them were to reach him.

“Oh, for crying out loud!” The devil shook his wolfish head, Winchesters were always so stubborn. “I’d allow it if Sam were to stand against the gift of life, I’ve seen what is inside of his head after all, but you! You’re the priority here, you are Jack’s weakness.” This gesture of good faith seemed to be more than it was worth, but if she didn’t comply willingly, then he would force her to follow him along, and live.

“Where’d you hear that from? He doesn’t have a weakness, he just has a good heart. I’m just another person that he lives with, a soldier that is going to fight anyone that dares to try and hurt him. And I won’t mind if I have to give my life to try and kill you.” She spat at the disgrace of heaven, hardly moved by his goal. As a Winchester, the stubbornness ran through her veins, even if the bloodline itself did not.

“I hear things, and I did in that bunker. Like how Dean was speaking about you and Jackie boy, and how it all made sense. The shared looks, the flushed faces, all that gross stuff. He didn’t seem too happy with the circumstances, but he was content with the fact that you were alive, like you are again, because of me.”

Lucifer was the last person that (Y/N) would thank for her existence, but she realised that there was no way out of his trap, she was the bait for Jack, that would reel the boy into the wings of his dreaded father.

He could sometimes be so naive, that she feared that Jack would fall for the extension of kindness, one that hardly suited Lucifer. But that was up to him, and in this apocalyptic version of her world, anything could happen.

“She’s dead.” Dean’s voice was gravelly, it had been dragged through hope, and now the realisation that his baby brother and sister were lost to life. The eyes belonging to Jack widened, and tears began to form.

He could quite comprehend how he felt. There was a tearing in his chest, he felt as though he was being split apart, his breathing rapidly increased, and his eyes flared like the bursts of the sun.

Until whispers hit his ears, and he looked up, only to see the girl alive and well. He was not the only one relieved in the circumstances, Dean and Mary were too, but they feared the fact that Lucifer had joined them, and was being trailed by the bloodied siblings; the ones that he had saved for his selfish purposes.

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kalimagik · 4 years

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Innocent

Draco Malfoy x Reader

Based on the song “Innocent” by Taylor Swift

Word Count: ~1700

Warning: death, saddness, I’m sorry...

A/N: I cannot be held responsible for the words that flowed through my fingers and onto the page. It’s sad and angsty and I’m really, really sorry. ANYWHOOOO...first Draco fic that I’m posting! If you enjoy reading, like, reblog, comment, or even follow! I’d love to hear from you all! Happy Reading <3

*Not my GIF - Credit to owner

The ink on his skin felt as though it burned when no one touched it. Even when it was covered up. Returning to Hogwarts seemed pointless for his 6th year. He was now a part of something bigger, why did he need to be at school for any reason besides fulfilling the Dark Lord’s wishes. Not to mention, facing his girlfriend at the time was not something he was looking forward to.

Knowing her, she would see the mark right away. How could he explain it to her?

Draco managed to avoid Y/N on the Hogwarts Express and he managed to avoid her during the welcome feast, but when she sought him out after, he had nowhere to hide.

“Draco! There you are, love! Where have you been?” she asked sweetly. Draco couldn’t meet her gaze. He instinctively pulled his sleeve further down his arm, but he wasn’t slick enough to hide it from her. “What are you doing?”

“It’s nothing. I’ve got to go,” Draco tried to brush her off. He walked towards the dungeons and to his dormitory where she couldn’t reach him. He felt awful, but he knew she’d be disappointed in him if she found out about his Dark Mark.

He was successful in avoiding her for a few weeks until she cornered him in the courtyard.

“Malfoy! What is wrong with you? I haven’t seen you in weeks!” Y/N demanded.

“I’m fine. Just busy with school work.” Once again, Draco tugged at the sleeve covering his left arm.

“School just started. Why do you keep doing that?” Y/N grabbed for his arm and before he could stop her, she pulled his sleeve up. Open mouth and wide eyes was all she could manage. She had no words for him.

Draco quickly pulled his sleeve back down. “I have to go,” he said abruptly.

“No. You don’t. I know you don’t have any classes right now. You need to talk to me!”

Draco couldn’t hold back from her any longer. Grabbing Y/N’s hand, he led her to the 6th floor boys bathroom.

“I can’t go in here, Draco! It’s the loo for the boys,” Y/N insisted.

“No one uses this one. Just come here so I can explain everything.”

Before the words could leave his mouth, the tears began to roll down his cheek. The pressure was already amounting. Katie Bell was still in St. Mungo’s and he hadn’t meant to hurt her.

Y/N was the first to speak. “I guess you really did it this time, huh? Left yourself in your warpath. Lost your balance on a tightrope. Lost your mind trying to get it back.”

“I had to, Y/N. He was threatening my family. He was threatening you. You don’t belong anywhere near this fight…it isn’t fair.”

“I can handle it.”

“You say that, but I can’t handle it. I- I think we need to take a break. We need to break-up. It’s the only way I can protect you.” The tears on Draco’s cheeks picked up in volume. Y/N could tell how genuine he was being and how he didn’t want to hurt her.

Taking a deep breath, Y/N changed the subject. “Wasn’t it easier when we were little? Wasn’t it easier in our lunchbox days? There was always a bigger bed to crawl into. Mum would hold you close and care for you. Draco, I remember when we were little so fondly. Wasn’t it beautiful when you believed in everything and everybody believed in you? We didn’t have to worry about an impending war then.”

“I’m sorry, Y/N.” Draco managed.

Y/N leaned towards Draco’s body, pressing her lips to his cheek. “It’s okay. I’ll wait for you…”

----------------

The year continued and Draco’s state became worse and worse. Y/N could hardly recognize him. He seemed distracted and paranoid. One evening, Y/N found him in that same 6th floor bathroom. The end of the year was nearing and Draco had a job to do. A job that Y/N knew nothing about.

“Hey, hey!” Y/N ran to him and pulled his head down to rest on her shoulder. She tried to soothe him with her words. “It’s alright, just wait and see. Your string of lights is still bright to me. Who you are is not where you’ve been. You’re still an innocent. You haven’t done anything you can’t come back from.”

Draco’s breakdown hurt Y/N more than he could know, but she knew she needed to be strong for him. He had a rough few years ahead of him.

----------------

When the war finished, Y/N was there waiting for Draco. He was pardoned for his affiliation with Voldemort and was free to continue his life. Soon after his pardon, he proposed and married Y/N as soon as he could. He was finally happy. The days were good, he had Y/N beside him.

Draco did some things he couldn’t speak of, but at night he’d live it all again. He wouldn’t be so shattered in his life now if only he had seen what he knew now then. Nevertheless, he would relive his past life in his nightmares.

He would awake with a start every single time. Sweat encasing him and heavy breathing that he could not control. But, without fail, Y/N would wake up and take his shaking body into her arms and whisper to him. “Wasn’t it easier in your firefly catching days? And everything out of reach, someone bigger brought down to you. Wasn’t it beautiful running wild until you fell asleep? Before the monsters caught up to you? I know it's a hard life, but it’s alright, just wait and see. Your string of lights is still bright to me. Who you are is not where you’ve been. You’re still an innocent.”

Y/N would hold him until he was able to fall back to sleep.

Starting a family and raising a son kept the couple busy, but that didn’t stop Draco from being influenced occasionally by those from his past. It didn’t stop him from hearing the sneers and comments made about him. They still stung.

Even at 31, almost 32, Draco was starting to teach his son how to ride a broom. He couldn’t even do that in peace without passersby whispering about him. They brought up the worst of him. The parts of him that he didn’t want his son to know about because he wanted his son to have a chance to make his own reputation.

Y/N could see his face harden with every single word, so she’d have to remind him how great everything was for them. She would have to remind him that they are still young. “Hey, Draco.” She would call his attention. “It’s okay, life is a tough crowd, 32 is still growing up now. Who you are is not what you did. Never forget that.”

Time turned the flames to embers. The family had some new Septembers. Scorpius started at Hogwarts and began to make his own place. As Draco saw all his old classmates for the first time in years, sending their kids off to school, Y/N reminded him that every one of them (including herself) has messed up too.

Life continued to change like the weather. Scorpius was enjoying school and starting to form his own life, away from his father’s reputation. Everything seemed to be going well, until Y/N got sick. Then life got hard for the Malfoys.

Draco sat with Y/N for hours on end. He didn’t want to go to work. He really didn’t want to go anywhere that would take him away from her. But, as much as Y/N held on, Draco knew she wouldn’t be able to forever. The end was coming soon.

“Draco?” Y/N choked out one evening when Scorpius was on break from school.

“What is it, love? Do you need something? I can do whatever you need me too. Scorpius, can you go get your mum some water please?”

Scorpius nodded and hurried out of the room.

“Draco, look at me.”

Draco brought Y/N’s hand to her cheek and she stroked her thumb across his skin. “Even after I’m gone…”

“Don’t talk like that. You’re going to make it.”

Y/N smiled softly, wishing that he could be right. “I hope you remember today is never too late to be brand new. Okay? You can be everything that our boy needs if you let yourself.”

“I can’t do this without you.” Draco felt his eyes begin to swell and water. “I don’t want you to go.”

There was that smile again. It seemed as though the hope it held was so misplaced, but it also seemed so full of peace. The tears began to fall. Draco wanted to be strong for her this time, but he couldn’t stop them from coming.

“Shhh. It’s alright, just wait and see.” Y/N started as she always did when he was upset. “Your string of lights is still bright to me. Who you are is not where you’ve been…You can do this.”

----------------

The sun shined and the birds sang. Draco knew that Y/N would have thought of today as a perfect day. The dreary English weather seemed to have let up just for her.

There was a beautiful turn out for her funeral and Narcissa had taken Scorpius back to the house when the crowd started to disperse. Only Draco remained at her grave. How could he be strong now?

A slight breeze blew past his figure, wrapping him up in a warm feeling.

“Hello, love. I don’t understand why you had to go. You were still an innocent. This shouldn’t have happened to you.” Draco wiped his nose on his sleeve. He felt as though he had lost his balance on a tightrope again. But then he thought of Y/N, he knew that it was never too late to get it back.

#draco malfoy x reader #draco malfoy #draco malfoy fic #draco malfoy fanfic #harry potter x reader #harry potter fanfic #harry potter fanfiction #hp #hp fandom #fred weasley x reader #harry potter #ron weasley x reader #ron weasley #golden era #heir of slytherin #new fic #kalimagik #happy reading #taylor swift song fic

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chaossmagic · 5 years

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fic: love hard, love fierce

With the comforting presence of his husband and son at his side, Aaron finally reads the letter that Lisa left for him.

TW discussions of death, grief.

read on AO3

Seb spotted Aaron before Robert did; his little face breaking into an animated smile over the top of the bench where he stood, bouncing with his arms outstretched, and let out a joyful squeal that carried on the slight breeze as Aaron approached them. The sight of his gorgeous stepson, the bright head of hair and dimpled cheeks, was a warming tonic to the stone that felt like it had settled in his chest since the funeral that morning. Turning round to see what Seb was so excited by, Robert broke into a matching smile of his own when he saw Aaron coming, one hand steadying the little boy while he reached over the back of the bench to take Aaron’s hand wordlessly in the other, rubbing his thumb over his knuckles in a gentle, soothing touch.

Aaron let out a deep breath he wasn’t even conscious he was holding inside him, feeling the line of his shoulders drop and relax as soon as he had Robert’s palm, warm and soft, in his own. The park was empty save for a few seagulls pecking at the grass and ducks floating on the water of the small pond, and Aaron bent to press a kiss first to the top of Robert’s head, then Seb’s, who gurgled a little giggle at the feeling of his dad’s rough stubble against the tender skin of his forehead.

“Hey,” Robert said softly. “If i’’m honest, I didn’t think I’d see you till later.”

“Neither did I,” Aaron admitted, coming to sit next to him on the bench and scooping up Seb into his lap, who immediately buried himself in Aaron’s jumper, little fingers gripping the lapels of his jacket. He scooted closer, needing to physically feel Robert close to him, to inhale his scent and allow it to alleviate the heaviness he felt in his stomach and chest, the grief curling up in his throat. He stroked the soft hair over Seb’s forehead gently, rocking him as he added, “It got a bit much. The wake, I mean. Just needed to see ya. And this little guy,” he blew a wet raspberry on Seb’s cheek, making him laugh again. The sound was like bells, sweet and infectious.

Robert made a sympathetic noise, wrapping his arm around Aaron and pulling him in closer, resting his cheek against his husband’s temple and gently rubbing soothing circles into the top of his arm. “I wish I could’ve been there for ya today,” he said. “It’s just, well, funerals and fussy babies don’t really mix, especially since Bex reckons Seb’s started teething, so I didn’t want to spoil it by being the bloke with the screaming infant ruining the eulogy.”

“It was a nice ceremony,” Aaron said. “Charity shared some old stories about Lisa, and Belle read a out poem she wrote, bless ‘er. It must have been so hard for her to do that in front of everyone. They even brought her into the church in the old Dingle van, if ya can believe that.”

“What, that decrepit old thing you showed me ages ago?” Robert asked disbelievingly, eyebrows shooting up into his hairline. “The one that’s got about an inch of dust on it and covered in scratches?”

“Yep,” Aaron replied. “The very same. It seemed to fit, Lisa being who she was an’ all that. You better not put me in it, though, when my time comes, or I might just come back to life and kill ya.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t dream of it,” Robert laughed a little, scraping his nails through the soft hair at the back of Aaron’s neck, making him wriggle and stretch contentedly with a sigh, adjusting Seb a bit so that he was tucked into the crook of his shoulder. “Only the best for my beautiful husband, who’ll get the best send-off the village has ever seen, you mark my words.”

“There better be a pig race, though,” Aaron said nonchalantly.

“Okay, now I can’t tell whether you’re windin’ me up or not,” Robert scoffed. He tickled Seb under the chin, making him twist and try to squirm away, and lowered his voice conspiratorially. “What do you say, little man? Is your daddy Aaron havin’ me on?”

“I am not!” Aaron protested. “There were three of ‘em, and our Spamela won, didn’t she? Won by miles. And you wanted to make her into a bacon sandwich,” he tutted, reminding him of the time when Belle’s sow had crashed at their home for the night, then gone walkabout in the village making them both fear Belle’s wrath. He looked down at the little boy. “That’s not very nice of daddy Robert, is it Seb, hmm?”

“Da!” Seb squealed, which quite frankly could have meant anything as he’d only barely begun babbling yet, but Aaron took it as an agreement and smirked at Robert triumphantly.

“Sounds like a great way to celebrate her life,” Robert said sincerely. “I think I like that idea. Focusing on the fun, good things rather than her loss, even though you’re all going to really miss her.”

“Lydia gave me this,” Aaron said, reaching into his pocket and pulling out an envelope bordered with green and purple flowers, Aaron written on the front in Lisa’s neat writing. “Lisa left one for each of us, my mum, Debbie, Cain, Sam, Charity....but I just couldn’t face readin’ mine without ya.”

“Can I?” Robert asked, reaching for it, and Aaron handed it over without hesitation. With a nod from Aaron, he opened it, taking out the sheets of paper that were carefully folded inside. “Do you want me to - shall I read it out to you?”

A hard lump in his throat, his palms tingling, Aaron nodded. “Please.” He held Seb a little closer, feeling his soft baby breath on his neck, as Robert unfolded the first page and started to read.

Dear Aaron,

My love, there’s no-one who epitomises what it means to be a Dingle more than you. You’ve endured so much, and had so much heartache in such a young life, that to see you come out of it fighting and ready for anything makes me so, so proud. My only regret is that I won’t get to see you enjoy this next chapter with your wonderful husband, gorgeous little Sebastian, and the children Chas tells me you two are hoping to have sometime in the near future.

To have suffered the way that you have, is more than anyone could possibly bear in their lifetime. But you’ve put us all to shame with the way you’ve handled some of the worst experiences imaginable, and still be such a kind, gentle, loving young man who would do anything for his family and who is capable of so much love. Whatever happened to that little scrap of a lad always getting into trouble, eh? I’ll tell you what happened. He grew up into an amazing man who found his place in the world, and went after what he wanted most without fear or shame.

I was never able to make it to your wedding, but your mum sent me some photos in the post afterwards, and the happiness radiating out from you with your Robert at your side took my breath away. What a lovely couple you two really are, so happy and content with each other, so at peace now that you’ve found each other. In a way, you reminded me of how I and your Uncle Zak have felt all these years, despite and including the time we spent apart. I know you haven’t had the most conventional or easy relationship, but true love always finds its way, and the two of you have something so few of us get to experience - a soulmate.

So cherish him, Aaron. Cherish each other. Love your son and all your children to come. Remind him every day just what he means to you, and hope and trust that he will do the same when it matters most. Love hard and love fierce like I know you can, like the Dingle I know you are.

All my love,

Lisa

By the time Robert reached the end of the letter, Aaron was gripping his hand so tightly his wedding ring was in danger of creating a permanent welt in Robert’s palm; tears splashed down his face as he squeezed Seb to his chest, inhaling his warm baby smell as he fought to control the aching sobs trying to push their way out of him. He hadn’t cried at the funeral, not even really when he’d been told Lisa had died, but hearing her words now, the words she’d written just for him, had brought it all spilling forward in an avalanche he didn’t know how to stop.

But Robert was there, solid and unyielding, and that made everything just that little bit more bearable, hugging Aaron close and blinking through his own tears as he murmured in his ear, “Aaron, Aaron, I love you so much. It’s okay. I love you.”

What would he ever do without this man?

“I love ya, too,” Aaron said hoarsely. “And I mean, Lisa said it all for me in that letter, it’s scary how much she knows, but - you’re it for me, ya know?”

“I know,” Robert affirmed, nodding slowly and pressing a firm kiss to Aaron’s temple. One hand came up to stroke through Seb’s hair again, the little boy snuggling further into Aaron, rubbing his cheek against the fabric of his jumper. “I know, Aaron. I always know. And I’m sorry I haven’t made it as clear as I should have, these last few weeks. All this Vic stuff, it’s messed with my head...I took you for granted. That wasn’t right. I love ya too much.”

“Not as much as I love you,” Aaron murmured quietly. “Soft idiot.”

“Sentimental muppet,” Robert quipped back. Carefully, he folded Lisa’s letter back into its envelope, and tucked it into the pocket of his coat for safekeeping. He reached behind himself, pulling out a small bag of what looked like bird seed. “Want to help me and Seb finish feeding the ducks before it’s time for me to take him back?”

“Absolutely,” Aaron agreed. “Wouldn’t miss it for the world, would I?”

Robert stood, holding out his hand for Aaron’to take; he did so, holding on tight, Seb perched on one hip with his arms round Aaron’s neck. He walked them down to the edge of the pond, the three of them in unison; they made quite the little family unit, Robert and Aaron holding hands, Aaron with his arm securely round Seb, who was giggling and shrieking “Uck! Uck!” as they took turns to throw handfuls of seed into the water. Watching with delight as the ducks rushed towards the food and tackled each other, each wanting the biggest share for themselves.

#personal #anyway this was so sad to write i want to bury myself in dirt now thanks x #lorna's writing #robron #robron fic #robert x aaron #emmerdale #emmerdale fic

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fairycosmos · 5 years

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was not tryna give a part 3 omg but i feel like my mom is just tired of me. i know she is. she barely comes home anymore n whenever i try to spend time with her she acts like it’s a task, like she’s being forced. & in ways she makes me feel bad for talking or anything but i just miss her. i miss everyone. my mom & i never had a good relationship but she’s what keeps me here & i just feel like i have nothing sometimes. my heart just hurts more than i can say. thank u for listening, ur an angel 🥺

hi bby :(( thank you for being so honest and open w me, it really is something to be proud of and is also proof that you are genuinely more capable of this than you think !! which seems like bullshit but it's not !! honestly the worst thing about treating your mental health is the amount of trial and error involved. you have to find that specifically works for you in exactly the right way. it's annoying, and you have every right to be frustrated. sometimes it can make you feel like giving up completely, because it's just so exhausting, and that's ok. as long as you understand the difference between having an urge and acting on it. the prospect of a new therapist is totally daunting but at the same time, you are allowed to set boundaries and take it at your own pace. if you do your best to explain how mentally tired you are, and that you want to take it slow, they will generally respect that. the thing about therapy is that you just don't know how it's going to go until you're there. sometimes you surprise yourself. sometimes it all just comes spilling out. sometimes you clam up. and all of it, all of it a natural part of the process. i mean this in the least patronising way, you are so strong for picking yourself up every time, for continuing to try. you may feel like your brain is totally fried right now but when push comes to shove, you are so much more than you realize.

as for school, jesus, that just be so nerve wracking and i don't blame you for being a bit scared at at all. the few weeks before you begin is always the worst part because your mind sort of runs wild with possibilities. but always try to remember that anxiety job is literally to take situations and warp them into something they're not based on fear and trepidation. in reality you have no idea what's going to happen and a middle ground, average result is always the most likely outcome anyway. take a breath. i get that logically knowing things doesn't help much with mental illness but it always helps to ground yourself. bottom line is, you will adapt and grow with the new environment even if you don't think you will. it's inevitable. you will find your routine and your mundanity again, and all of it will become second nature. even if there's a few awkward moments, even if you struggle a little at first. most people do. as long as you understand that there is always help available, always other options, and you are never trapped or totally stuck in a situation no matter how much your brain tries to convince you that you are. if your schoolwork gets on top of you, you CAN take a step back for the sake of your mental health, even if adults whine about it. if you don't know how to talk to people, learn by example and keep in mind that they're probably perceiving you better than you perceive yourself. like with therapy, let school integrate into your life at its own pace. half the battle is honestly just showing up. unfortunately all of this fear is where the growth happens. it's very normal to want to go back into hospital, to want to avoid reality, but there is no life waiting for you there. this is something i find very hard to come to terms with myself. you have to get up and touch the tangibility and live in it with everyone else. and you are, you're doing it as we speak, and that genuinely counts for so much dude. i can't stress that enough. these periods of loneliness and isolation are absolutely horrible and i don't really know the answer to them to be honest, but i do know that they are often periods of massive self growth, and they can end just as aprubtly as theuy begin. you are deserving of companionship and love, and just because it's hard to find doesn't mean it's not out there for you. in so many forms, over and over again, you will feel it. it's not as far fetched as your anxiety wants you to believe. where you're at right now isn't where you'll always be, and new beginnings are proof of that.

about your mum, god i'm so sorry she's been making you feel that way?? i can't tell you how much i relate and how much it hurt me when i was younger, and i promise you're absolutely not alone in feeling this way. so many people can and do understand, and that goes for all of this - the mental illness, the therapy stress, the fear and annoyance of starting anew. complexes caused by negative parental relationships are always so hard to heal from because they're so deeply rooted within, but i need you to try to understand that your worth does not lie in your mother and you can not force her to be mature, to to understand if she's so insistent on misunderstanding. it's one of the fuckin hardest lessons to learn and i don't know if the pain ever stops from it (though it definitely settles and becomes more manageable), but there is a point in every kids life where they just realize their parents are wrong. they're ignorant, or they're obtuse, or they're mean - and that is on them. it is a reflection of them and that is it, there's nothing else to it. of course you shouldn't have to deal with it at all, but it is not caused by you no matter how much it feels like it is, angel. your mental illness is harder for you to put up with than it is for her to witness and if she can't accept that, she's fucked. idk the details of your relationship with her, and maybe even if you sit her down and force her to listen, something will click. it's not an impossibility and i sure hope it happens, but if it doesn't i promise there are so so so sooo many other avenues of support out there. and your parents are truly not the beginning and end of the world. one day, sooner than you think, you are going to live a life divorced of her opinions, and even better, you won't feel such a craving to hear them. you will be in control of your own environment and mental well being and it will not be anything like what you're expecting. that's a guarantee, something you can always rely on. i know words are pointless, i know they're empty to you. and i know i can't make you see your situation the way i do, obviously. but i really hope you can take the time to find the ment clarity to examine why you're so averse to accepting the positive, what you can do to help yourself, and whether or not your anxieties are rooted in rationality of not. there's seriously so many ways to battle and to overcome the shit you're going through and it only feels so chaotic at the moment because you're in the midst of finding your feet. think back to when you first went into hospital, and how foreign everything felt, and how you got through it a day at a time. you didn't confront all that for nothing. you are so much more resilient than you realize and i wholeheartedly believe that. i'm assuming you're still very young, and so even the natural growth and development of your life is going to afford you so many answers and so much relief, though of course there will always be new questions and things to fight. but the bottom is you've got time, and if you have to take this one step at a time, or one hour at a time, or even a minute at a time - you can. you are okay. some days are rough but they do not negate your progress. so take a breath and try to identify what it is you need (e.g to talk to your parents, to be honest with the professionals in your life, to incorporate coping mechanisms into your daily routine so you feel less overwhelmed about school etc) and let that be good enough, because it is. i'm infinitely proud of you for being here and i know the hurt and the loneliness is a total tidal wave right now but it will it always be, and that's a certainty, unlike your fears. i really hope you find some peace of mind soon and that your mum heard you out. if you want to talk about this properly or if you need a friend i will be here. sending love and warmth to u dude. message me anytime.

#anon #long post

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mbmrocks · 5 years

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Ready Or Not: Chapter 8 - Like Father, Like Son

Prologue Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7

Emotions streamed through Darcy after the words exited his mouth. She did nothing to hurt him, nothing that would make him act like this; what happened to him had nothing to do with her.

"Don't you dare say that I ruined your life; everything that happened to you was your fault, not mine, so don't you dare say that I did. You also have no right to speak about my husband like that, he is a better man than you ever would ever be," the words flew out of Darcy's mouth before she could process what she had just said. Realizing this her eyes widened as Dean stalked towards her. There cold steely blue colour pierced her own his hand firmly held her chin tilting up, so she looked directly at him.

"Oh, is that so," he smirked releasing her chin from his harsh grasp. "Then why is he raising a son that is mine. Oh, don't look at me like that."

"H-h-how di-dd you know-now," Darcy splutter the words not coming out quick enough. Chuckling to himself, Dean walked over to the rooms only window.

"You obviously have no idea of how long I have been watching you and your little family do you," he smirked shaking his head. "How could I not know he was my son; the boy is a spitting image of me. His names Charlie isn't it."

"You may be his biological father, but you will be nothing but a sperm donor," Darcy bit back using all the courage she could summon. "He is going to be nothing like you."

"Really you think so do you," Dean raised an eyebrow at his captive. "Just because I wasn't a part of his life physically or even emotionally, but he is as you just said biologically my son, that's all that matters. After all, like father, like son."

The bone-chilling smirk he now wore was enough to unnerve a psychopath let alone poor Darcy. What scared her, even more, was the knife he had now pulled from his pocket and twirled in his hands.

"So, I think it might be better if you kept your opinions to yourself, hmm," he advised Darcy before pretending to be in thought. "You know what I really should meet the boy, he should really get to know his father."

"No, don't you dare go anywhere near him," Darcy struggled against her restraints, using all her strength to break through so she could deck the psycho in the face.

"I'm sorry the plan has already been put in motion, where do you think I went when I left?" that was all it took for all colour to drained from Darcy's face.

Exiting the room Dean couldn't control his growing smirk, the idea of Darcy being so scared, and paranoid gave him a sense of emotion he could not describe. Finally, after all those years he spent behind bars, because of her; no contact from anyone, not even his own parents and a son she never even gave him the chance to meet. They say revenge is sweet, but he never thought it would feel this good. Now all he had to do wait; it was only a matter of time before Charlie would find his letter. This was going smoother than he ever imagined. Not only was he finally going to make Darcy pay he was going to leave a trail disaster in his wake.

"Oh, the Reid family will never see what is coming their way," a cynical laugh escaped him.

"Alright, what can I do to help? Anything you need me to do to do to help find Mum, I'll do it," they were the first words Charlie had spoken since his conversation with Spencer and saying goodbye to Eli and Mia. He wanted to do anything in his power to take help his mother gets home safely, and nothing was going to prevent him from doing so. Unknowingly having Spencer by his side helped keep him calm. Their relationship may not have been as close as it should have, but it helped him remember he wasn't totally alone; that he wasn't the only one who had someone missing.

Even under the worst circumstances, over the small amount of time he had to know the team, Charlie knew they would stop at nothing to bring his mother him. It was something he appreciated especially since they never knew about him and his siblings, even his mother until that day.

"At the moment it's just an interview you and your siblings were really some of the only people who had constant contact with your mother in the days before she was taken," Emily admitted cautiously knowing the emotional stress he was trying to hide. "We have a few questions for you."

"Ok let's do this," the teen took a deep breath, ready for the questions to come.

"Did anything unusual happen in the last few days, changes in your mother's personality, anything out of the ordinary," Emily asked, and the boy tensed.

"Not that I would have really known she seemed happy enough, a little down about Spencer having left again but other than that nothing out of the ordinary. She dropped us to school like usual every day and her routine was pretty much the same, apart for jobs and errands that sort of thing. I wouldn't really have known if anything was, we weren't really speaking much," Charlie replied honestly as he mumbled the last part, both Emily and Spencer exchanging similar looks. Spencer had a rough idea of what that meant if the morning he left had been any indicator. The boy was distraught, the idea of not speaking to his mother before she was kidnapped and then her not come home alive was plaguing his mind. Neither agent could imagine what the young teen was feeling

"How come you guys weren't speaking," Emily continued her questions, sympathy clear in her eyes.

"It wasn't anything unusual we got into arguments regularly, mostly due to me being a complete asshole and acting out," he admitted eyes cast down at the metal table in front of him. "They were never that bad usually just arguments then it would be all over and done with quickly but this last one was pretty bad. I'm sad to say I can't even remember what we argued about just that I was angry and neither of us wanted to talk."

"Did anything happen this morning," Emily hated asking such seemingly repetitive questions, but they were ones that were needed. She also knew that Charlie did remember what the argument had been about, perks of being a profiler but she wasn't going to pry unless it became necessary to the case and she had a feeling it would. Somehow it always did.

"No, it was your typical morning, everything that usually happened did, mornings run like clockwork due to mums' hours she has to drop us to school before work so there is no mucking around. She works as a psychologist," Charlie answered. "Nothing made me even think that this would happen."

"Charlie, do you mind if I speak to Spencer privately for a minute?" Emily asked him, she had something to discuss with Spencer urgently.

"Whatever you need to tell him you can tell me," Charlie retorted not appreciating being treated like a kid.

"Charlie please," Spencer placed a hand on his shoulder as if to say leave it alone. Reluctant to leave the teenager sighed and trudged out of the room. There was no point in arguing it would get him anywhere.

"Ok, what do you need to tell me," Spencer asked when Charlie was out of air shot.

"This guy has been stalking you and your family, Spencer," Emily confessed the doctor's eyes widening in horror. "How else would he have taken her without any suspicion."

"I can't believe I didn't even notice," quilt flooded through him, how had he not even noticed; how had he not figured out what was going on. "I should have sensed it."

"Listen to me, whoever took Darcy is clever, they know how to blend in without suspicion. There is no way anyone would have noticed someone like that was watching your family, not even a genius like you," Emily tried to reassure her distraught friend and colleague. "Don't blame yourself, Spencer, none of this is your fault."

"I should have never-," Spencer began only to be cut off by Emily.

"No, you will not start thinking like that. Nothing about this is your fault, we need your head in this if we are going to bring her home. You have a family to care for. I would suspect she would kill you if you let this cloud that," she told him causing the doctor to give a small smile, knowing that she was more than right.

"Still doesn't make me feel any better," he admitted sadly.

"And I'm afraid I might have to make things worse," Emily sighed. "Things have been quite shaky for me and the director since Barnes, they are watching our every move. Despite this, I am still allowing you to help investigate this but since this is not a reported case, we will still need to work on other cases as well. I assure you we will be right on it if we find any leads. For now, you will work from home I can't let you not be with your children."

"I understand," as much as it angered him to have his wife's case, not top priority he understood why. They couldn't just drop other cases, just so they could work on a personal one; there were more people that needed to be saved. Darcy had always told him that if anything ever happened to her not to let that cloud his mind because she could not stand other people not getting the rest or peace they deserved.

Now he just had to make sure she had the same chance and come home to them.

#spencer reid #criminal minds #fanfic #secrets #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid x oc #fanfiction #bau #ocappreciation

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rami-writes-blog · 5 years

Text

I’ve loved you for so long - Fem Reader x Rami Malek

Storyline: You’ve been the closest friends every sinds you were in diapers, so for about 14. Rami is the sweetest man on earth by being there for you after the worst moment of your life. You come to find out that you’re not the only one who sees your best friend as something more than that. (I need me a man like Rami in my life smh)

wordcount: Approx. 2,2 k

Warning: : None,

-------------------------------

I’m changing into my PJ’s when my phone let’s me know I receive a text:

,,Hi Honey. Are you excited for tomorrow’s game? You’re going to crush it and we’ll go celebrate your championship afterwards. I’ll be there for the kickoff honey. You’re my little champion, whatever the outcome is. I love you very very much.

Goodnight, Dad’’

I smiled.

,,Very nervous. Thank you dad, sleep tight. Love you xxx’’

,,IF YOU’RE NOT HERE IN 2 SECONDS I’M STARTING WITHOUT YOU’’ I quickly put on my shirt as I ran over to his room, jumping on his bed. He smiled and handed me the second controller ,,Ready?’’ ,,I don’t know. Are you? I mean. You’re the one that’s getting his ass kicked in a few moments’’ I laughed.

He just bought FIFA 18 and just like every FIFA he every bought, I come over the same night so we can play the first match(es) together. It’s like our thing. We played another one, another one and another one. Before we know it was 2 am.

,,Ok we really need to go to bed now, tomorrow’s your big match’’. We go to the bathroom to brush our teeth and tuck ourselves in. He always gives me his bed when I stay over and I’m glad I could convince him to put a matrass next to his bed for him to sleep. I hate it when he has to sleep on the couch for me. We chat some more about tomorrow’s game and then fall asleep.

I wake up far before my alarm goes off. I’m too excited to sleep. When I roll over I see him sleeping still. He looks so peaceful. He’s sleeping on his back and the blankets only cover the bottom of his body.. I stare at him for like 5 minutes or so. Looking at him, sleeping like that, makes me blush.

I’m feeling this way for a while not but I’m too scared to tell him. We’ve been friends ever since we were 4, so for like 14 years now and we’ve always been like brother and sister so I’m afraid that’s how he sees me and always will.

I decide to get up before waking him up. I’m wearing his t-shirt since I practically ALWAYS forget my stuff. Besides, it’s an excuse to borrow his clothing that always smells like him.

I put in my headphones and make breakfast. Nothing too fancy, just bacon, eggs and some bread. I set the table as I sip my coffee, singing softly along with the music. I’m almost done when I turn around and he’s standing behind me, leaning against the kitchen counter. He smiles. I blush. This man is an Egyptian God. He’s bare feet and doesn’t wear anything except for his PJ-pants that hang loose on his hips, showing a bit of his shorts. Get it together Y/N.

,,You’re early’’ he says. ,,I made us breakfast’’ I say with excitement. I hand him the coffee I just made and we sit down to eat our breakfast in peace. He cleans up as I get dressed and within half an hour we’re both ready. ,,Ready to kick some ass?’’ He asks as he closes the front door behind him. He comes with me, like he does every game. I text my dad to see if he’s up. Nothing yet. Well, the game doesn’t start for 1,5 hours anyway, so he still has some time left.

As I come out of the locker room before the game begins, I look around to look if I see my dad. He always wishes me luck.. But he’s still not here. I see Rami though. He’s smoking a cigarette and smiles at me as soon as he sees me ,,YOU’RE GOING TO KILL IT’’. He yells.

Y/B/F looks at you: ,,girl when are you finally telling him?”’ ,,Tell him what?” I nervously respond ,,Y/N .. EVERYONE sees it. You two are clearly both to stubborn to go first’’. I blush and wave at Rami , ,,YOU BET’’.

---

The game’s over. It was rough but we made it. We won. I scored a goal in the 60th minute and it was the first and last goal. I was proud as hell because I made the winning one and at the very moment the ref blew his whistle everyone came running down to me, making one big pile of girls.

When I finally was on my feet again, I saw Rami with hands held high yelling before he comes running towards me. ,,CONGRATS’’ He cheerful said as he lifted me up, swirling me around. He was so proud!

He put me down and I let the girls know ,,ok girls let’s take a quick shower and afterwards we let the champagne flow freely’’

As I came into the lockerroom I grabbed my phone. I hoped dad had called me or texted me. But nothing. *Ping*.. My mum texts.

,,Honey I hope you won and I think you’ll be done by now. Please come home as soon as possible.. It’s very urgent’’. A shiver went down my spine as I grabbed my bag..

,,Y/N Where are you going? You’re not leaving unless you’re drunk’’ everyone starts singing and screaming.. ,,My mum texted me it’s really urgent.. I really need to get home’’ Y/B/F walks up to you, you want me to come with? ,,No, it’s ok I’ll let you know what it was’’. She hugged me. ,,I love you’’. ,,love you too’’ I said before leaving.

As I walk outside Rami’s surprised to see me.. ,,Done already? You didn’t do a good job because you still smell like sweaty feet’’ he jokes. ,,We need to go home. Now’’ I tell him as I walk towards the car already. ,,What happened’’? He’s serious now.. ,,I don’t know. Mum wants me home asap, she says it’s urgent’’.

We both rush to the car and as he drives away he puts his hand on my knee. ,,Hey don’t worry.. Whatever it is.. It’s ok I’ll be here for you’’. We’re home within 10 minutes and I see cars in our driveway. I barge in and see my mum in tears. My aunt, uncle and her best friend beside her.

,,honey.. ‘’ She stands up and walks towards me.. her arms hovering over mine. Tears streaming down her face.. ,,Honey your dad passed away last night’’.. My mouth just. My jaw dropped.. ,,LAST NIGHT?’’ I grab my phone as I read his text. ,,He knew’’.. Tears came streaming down my face as I ran upstairs. I fell down on my knees at his side and melted down when I saw his sheets still messy.

,,I COULDN’T EVEN SAY GOODBYE’’ I yelled while crying, barely getting air. Rami came quietly walking in and closed the door behind him. he says nothing. He sits down next to me and wraps his arms tight around me and I think we sit there for almost an hour before I calm down.. He hugs me, kissing my hair, sushing me. ,,It’s ok. I’m here’’. As I try to catch my breath he lets go. He wipes away my tears and helps me get up to go downstairs. I hug mum. We don’t need to say anything. We feel each others pain. We talk over some things before she asks me if I would mind that she goes away for a while after the funeral, staying with her sister.. ,,It’s only a half an hour drive away so if I need her I’ll be here in a heartbeat’’.. She already had arranged with Jude, Rami’s mum, I could stay with them untill she came back. They are the only people she trusts, plus Rami and I get along, so.. ,,I just.. I need time to grieve, away from here for a while’’. I was kind of angry and upset she left but she took care of dad for months, until his last breath. ,,Of course mum, take all the time you need’’ Rami was with me the days leading to his funeral. Trying to take my mind off of things.. We went to his house sometimes and sometimes mine. Sometimes I wanted to be alone.

The day of the funeral was really hard on me. When I came home I already packed my bags so I went upstairs and took them. Before going downstairs I walked into my dads room. I caressed his sheets. ,,I love you dad’’ I turned around and as I closed the door behind me Rami grabbed my hand and looked at me. ,,Hey, we can come back here anytime you want okay?’’ I nodded, he took one bag off of me and we walked to his house. it was late in the evening so I pretty much dropped my bags in his room and sat on his bed.. ,,We’ll unpack tomorrow’’ he said. I agree. ,,I’m just taking a quick shower and call it a night’’ tell him. After I’m done I walk into his room with only my undies and a towel around my chest. He’s standing there in his shorts. We both had this ‘awkward’ moment.. I se him blushing too.. ,,you mind if I take one of your shirts?’’ I asked him. He smiled.. Of course not. ,,Mi casa es tu casa’’ he says smiling.

God damn I love it when he speaks Spanish. I know it’s a really weird timing but.. It really turns me on, but I know he doesn’t see me like that so I just shake it off. ,,Turn around’’ I order him. He puts his hands before his eyes instead. ,,OKAY BUT NO PEEKING’’ I say while holding my finger up to warn him. I saw him smiling ,,I promise’’. I turn around with my back towards him to be sure and as I let my towel drop I swear I can feel his eyes on me so I turn my head around. ,,YOU ARE PEEKING’’. I quickly get into my shirt and I tackle him. I start tickling him because I know it’s his one weak spot. ,,STOP. STOP. PLEASE STOP’’ he shouts with tears in his eyes from laughter. He starts wrestle his way out of the position he’s in, resulting us both falling off his bed. Luckily I fell on top of him and thanked him for it. ,,thanks for breaking my fall’’ I thankfully say to him as I sit back on to the edge of his bed. He rolls his eyes at me. He sits on his knees before me.

,,Okay miss. Enough games. Time for bed now’’ He wants to walk away to grab his matress but I grab his hand. ,,Will you please stay with me tonight’’ I ask him with the biggest puppy-eyes. ,,I always stay with you’’ He narrows his eyes.. ,,No next to me.. not in the same room with me. I don’t want to be alone tonight’’. I get in his bed first and raise the sheets for him to crawl next to me. ,,fine’’ he says. In an automatic respose I crawl towards him. Burying my head in his chest. I can feel his heartbeat going faster as I touch him. A electric shock goes through my body and I bet he feels it too. God he smells so good, I think to myself while sniffing him too loud. ,,One million by Paco Robanne’’ he confirms without me even saying anything.. He strokes my hair a few times before laying his head on his pillow, putting his hand on his pillow. Our faces being only inches away from each other ,,You’’ I say while our eyes lock.

We’ve had sleepover for years and when we were younger, also in the same bed. But this was different. I could feel it and I’m pretty sure he could too. I could hear his breathing getting heavier and I saw him frowning his eyebrows like he always does when he’s thinking about something.. We stayed like that for a few seconds, both convincing ourselves that we shouldn’t be doing this. But it was too long. We fought this for too long. We both felt it and we knew it

I reached for his face with my arm, cupping his cheeck with my hand. Making eye contact one last time, while his lips were hovering over mine, his eyes asking for permission, before I close my eyes and our lips touch.

I’ve wanted to do this for so long and it sets my soul on fire. I wanted more but we both know it’s not a wise thing to do after a day like today. So as he pulls back, laying his head on the pillow again he wraps his arms around me, hugging me tight ,,I’ve loved you for so long’’, he says as he kisses my forehead.

It may have started as the shittiest day of my life, but for the last half our or so of it, I forgot all of it.. Because of him. I lay one hand on his hip, the other one under his chin and buried myself in his hug. ,,I love you’’ I mumble in total happiness and fall asleep.

-----

Hey guys, enjoy my 2nd story. I wanted to put some GIF’s in them but Tumblr doesn’t cope. If you have any request, feedback or anything just send me a message! X

#rami malek rami malek imagine rami malek imagines rami malek x reader rami malek x fem reader reader x rami malek rami malek fanfic #rami malek #rami malek imagine #rami malek imagines #rami malek x reader #rami malek x fem reader #fem reader x rami malek #reader x rami malek #rami malek fanfic

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reesegetslost-blog · 5 years

Text

Eat, Pray, Love...In China??

2018 was a rough year for me!

My final year in University began in Fall 2017 with a study abroad semester in Spain. Within the first few weeks of my study abroad my then boyfriend and I had broken up. Having previously gone through many breakups with him throughout the years, this was nothing new. That is to say, I was fine with everything, and I was in a really good place in my life.

Spain was a magical time and experience for me. I fell in love with the country. I fell in love with the fact that all my academics were in a foreign language that I knew well. And most of all I loved my beautiful and wonderful host families with their beautiful and wonderful children!

Gosh! I can’t wait to live there one day (because it’s gonna happen)!

After my long-time boyfriend and I broke up sometime after my birthday, I reminded myself that I was living in Madrid and should not let this rain cloud ruin such a wonderful life opportunity.

Therefore I rallied. I began using my time to focus on myself and continued to develop my language skills. Beautiful Spanish city, with beautiful Spaniards? There was nothing else to do but live my best life.

But I also used this time to focus on getting back to myself and learning how to be alone again. Exploring different parts of Madrid, making new friends and eating tortilla española with a good book on every terraza possible were how most of my days went. I got back to being the happy, care-free, stress-free me that I lost for a very long time.

I felt happy. And light.

And then….the bullshit.

I returned to my University campus in January of 2018. My school was a small, predominantly white liberal arts school in the middle of nowhere. As this was my last semester in school I just wanted to eat my fruits, drink my water, go to the gym, and mind my business!

But upon my return the happy and carefree me struggled with maintaining my happy. School work always provided a way for me to drown out the trash happening around me and just focus on concrete things. But, alas, it was my senior year so my course load was the lightest it had ever been. I couldn’t drown out the bullshit.

Upon my return I was immediately welcomed back with open arms from people I knew. They were quick to ask me about my time abroad and how great it was. Ya know. The usual talk. Then it quickly turned into questions about my relationship. Kinda went like this:

They: “So are you guys still together?”

Me: “Nah. Didn’t work out. Ya know. Shit happens.”

They: “Oh girl. Sorry to hear that but you’re better off.”

Me: “….I mean it wasn’t a bad split….why am I better off?”

They: “Well you know cause you deserve better. Especially after what happened over the summer.”

Me: “….Summer?”

They: “Oh you know last summer when he was here.”

Me: “….Over summer?”

*Just for clarification: Ex-bae was a year ahead of me so he graduated May 2017. So this refers to Summer 2017*

And it’s clear from this conversation that the proverbial tea was spilled. Cold tea for them. Scalding hot—burn your tongue cause ya drank it too fast—tea for me.

Here it was I was hearing so much SHIT (ALL THE SCANDALS! OK?) about him that all these people—people who loved chilling, and hanging out with me, who had the AUDACITY to call themselves my friends and smile up in my face!—knew whatever they knew for MONTHS (SHIIDD maybe even YEARS) and no one told me shit.

LOL Ain’t that some shit?

Anyway.

Needless to say that it was a very dark semester for me. Spiralling from shock. Confronting said ex-bae and still not getting any solid answers. (Sometimes ya just don’t need closure!) Not knowing whom to trust.

I cut a lot of people off that year! If you used to say Hello to that young man you were out!

Lol kidding… maybe…

ANYWAY!

The worst thing about it was that I saw myself turning into a person I did not like very much. There were months where everyday I would wake up in some combination of pissed off and sad. The light, care-free me from Spain was no where to be found. Which made me even more pissed off and sad because I was in a seriously good place before I went back to that Blackhole of a University.

But like a worker bee, I had to keep moving forward. Grad school applications were either in progress or submitted so at least I had that to look forward to right? I would be onto a new future soon right?…….RIGHT?!

Haha…

I was the type of person who always had a plan. Then a back-up plan. Then a back-up to the back-up. And as a last resort an emergency or exit strategy. So grad school was always the #1 plan for me after graduation.

LOL So funny.

EVERY. SINGLE. SCHOOL. Rejected me. Except 1 program at this amazing school, but that was my Safety Programme. But in those weeks I saw my top plan drifting off in the wind, taking what little sanity I had with it. *eye twitch*

So onto The Back-up Plan right? Right. Grad school wasn’t an option for this year. So that presented an opportunity for me to go out there and get some work experience. As an international student with an F-1 visa I could apply for OPT and work in America for a year. Ok. Cool. That was the new plan. Great.

Haha. I spent MONTHS applying for every job out there. Undergoing multiple job interviews over these months. Passing many rounds. But never got a single job offer. Haha what a time.

Thus, when graduation approached I was happy to be leaving the Sinking Ship that was my University days. Honestly I wanted to run away. If you spoke to me in those days I would tell you that changing my name and moving to a foreign country where no one knows you is a form of self-care. I stand by that.

But I needed to get away from EVERYONE and EVERYTHING that I knew. With going back home to The Bahamas as my emergency/exit strategy, I wasn’t too happy with that plan. I wasn’t done with the world, although the world was showing me that it was done with me.

But before graduation came an interesting opportunity to teach English for a year in China. China rang bells in my head because it was literally so far from everyone I knew. This was going to be my new fresh start. I would know nobody and nothing. Not even Chinese, because I studied Spanish and Italian for the last 4 years.

Thus, having The Discussion with my family led to many blank stares and confusion on their part. My mother would come to me every few hours just to make sure.

Mum: “China?! What in China you wan see?”

Me: “I just need to go far for a bit…”

Mum: “But China? What about Spain? You did like Spain!”

Me: “Not far enough.”

Brother: “What you tryna run away from? Come tell ya brother. Cause I need to understand!”

Me: “ *laughing tryna hold back tears* Gee y’all. I am a world traveller! Why I can’t go to China?”

Mum: “Cause it so far! Who you know over there? He (Ex-bae) hurt you that bad that you wan go that far?”

Me: “Yes! Gee! Let me just run away in peace! Y’all lucky ine dropping off the planet! China is happening ok??!”

Brother: “…well make sure they don’t steal ya passport please…”

This exact conversation happened literally almost everyday over the summer months.

But I would not be deterred! This was my chance to get back to myself; to find myself once again. Cause this new, unfamiliar Reese was not working for me. This was my fresh start.

As my brother would put it: “You tryna be on ya Eat, Pray, Love tip aye?”

Basically yeah.

So this is some background on how/why this blog was created. Or how/why I ended up in China.

This blog is going to be about my new travel/life experiences, as I go about trying to get back to Me.

So cheers to getting lost!

XOXO

Lil Reesey

P.S. Whoever put Obeah on my 2018 or whoever playing with my voodoo doll…Can ya ease up and let me live for a bit? Thanks!

#ReeseGotLost #LostInTranslation #ReeseGotTheJuice #WheresReese #Travel #Lifestyle #Mood #BigMood #ReeseBoughtACamera #ReeseGetsLost #BlackGirlInChina #BlackGrilMagic

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misformarvel · 6 years

Text

Three: choices (part II)

Part II of “Three”. I really need to get better at the whole naming thing.

Tom Holland x reader x Harrison Osterfield.

Warnings: my shitty use of the English language. Angst, toxic relationship, cursing, things heating up, idk.

A/N: Tom, if you ever read this, this is so not what I think of you babe, I love you.

Also, this isn’t the end. First, because I don’t really like the course the story had taken. Second, because I think there are things that should be better explained. Third, because I think It’ll be ok to make a fic named “Three” a three-part fic, lol.

As I said I don’t really like this “chapter” but let’s hope you guys do and we can get a decent final episode for this telenovela, haha.

Part I link

***

No tone. Nobody answered the fucking phone. Not even Y/N. Harrison tried with Tom. Neither him. A thousand thoughts running through his aching mind.

“No one then?” Maria was cleaning the bar for the last time, her shift was over, it was time to go home.

“Nope, apparently I don’t have any friends”

“What about your family then? A brother, a cousin?” She was really worried about the blond guy, he looked like a mess.

“No, n-no way. Well, maybe my sister. No, not my sister. Don’t want my mum to know I’m like this”. His headache was growing in intensity. Haz remembered he came in his own car, he didn’t want to share a ride with the lovebirds.

“What the fuck are you doing!?” Maria yelled at him as soon as she noticed he was playing with the car keys. “There's no way you get into that car in this state”.

“I can’t leave the car here. It’s not really mine and if something happens to the bloody car my agent will kill me”.

“Well, better to be killed by your agent than drive this drunk and end up killing yourself or even worst, someone else”.

Haz was getting pissed. With himself for ignoring Maria when she told him to stop drinking, with Y/N for not answering his calls and messages, with Tom for being an arse, and with Maria for caring about him. After all, who the hell is Maria?

“Do you know how…” he said, shaking the keys on her face.

“What!?” She said, getting a little tired of dealing with another drunk guy.

“Could you drive me home please?” now he was using all of his charms. She saw it in his movies. Maria crooked an eyebrow and Haz smirked a little. She rolled her eyes and grabbed the keys. She practically had to drag him out of the club, the boy could barely stand on his feet.

“Okay, Harrison, where do you live then?” the girl asked while she adjusted her seatbelt. She didn’t get an answer. Harrison fell asleep as soon as she placed him in the passenger seat.

God, I’m trying to be a nice person, why’d you make this so hard for me?

“C’mon Haz, wake up, you haven’t told me where do you live!” Maria softly slapped Harrison’s cheeks, trying to “resuscitate” him. “I can’t believe I’m going to do this”. She tried to reach his left pocket, searching for his phone. “I must be driving completely insane,” the thought out loud. Harrison was still fast asleep, it looked more like he had passed out. “Ok prince charming, got your phone, I’ll need your thumb now. That’s it… unblocked. Gotta tell I’m a fucking genius”.

A little bit annoyed by her own rambling, María put the seatbelt on again and searched for the address on his phone. Thankfully the place was quite near, about twenty minutes apart from the club.

“Wh-What happened!? Where am I!?”

“Good morning sleeping-beauty” the attractive girl leans a little bit into him. He was hella confused, but surprisingly, he remembered her.

Still sore and dizzy, Haz asked Maria one last favor, to walk him upstairs. “How did we even get here?” he mumbled astonished by how quickly they arrived at his flat.

“Well, I got my methods” she laughed nervously. “I had to take your phone from your pocket”

“Huh, so you got your hands on my pocket,” Harrison said with a cheeky grin. “Don’t blush sweetheart, I’m just messing with you. Thank you so so much for this”.

The young pair finally arrived at the boy’s flat. Maria walked slowly beside him, still holding Harrison by his arm. She couldn’t believe what was happening, it was so fucking surreal. It’s not like she had a crush on him, but she totally did a couple of years before. She remembered so well how obsessed with him her friends were in high school. They’d totally freak out when she told them. Actually, she wasn’t sure about telling someone.

“So, this is my, this is my” Harrison pointed a white double door.

“End of the tour, I guess”. María looked at him like it was the last time she would, taking her time to admire one last time all of his perfect features. He was a mess from the rough night he had, but was still incredibly beautiful, just like in the movies.

“I know you’ve done enough for a lifetime without even know me but, I’d really like you to come in and grab some coffee. I’ll call you a cab, I, I’ll pay for it too”.

“I don’t think is a good idea, Harrison,” she said, a little bit sad it was going to end, but the sooner she’ll back to her normal life, the less she’ll miss being Harrison Osterfield’s guardian.

“Mar, I insist” He begged, holding her hands, rubbing his thumb over her knuckles.

***

All her life Y/N wanted things she couldn’t have. Her mother used to say it was impossible, she had everything a person could ever want.

It was always the same. He loved her, he made her feel wanted. She felt like he was her entire world. Then he gets mad at some stupid, meaningless thing. They yelled and hurt each other's feelings. But after the storm, he’d be back, apologizing for being a jerk and inviting her to come back to him. She feels safe, loved and wanted until the cycle restarts again.

Tom’s rage disappeared. He looked sad now. He wanted so bad to go back to that peaceful moment before the storm. Why’d she had to bring Haz into that place. A place that was actually a moment, a moment that was so sacred to him. He hated Haz, but he loved Haz. After all, he was his best friend.

“I know I did exaggerate, but please let me make it up to you, Y/N. Please?”

“I don’t care if you feel sorry now. Do you know how you made me feel?” Y/N was hurt. She really loves Tom, she always did. When they first met she thought she’d never had a chance, and now they were together and she was so happy. Until she had to open her damn mouth.

“I... I love you Y/N. I don’t want to share you with anyone. I definitely don’t want to share you with him anymore”.

“The fuck are you saying?”

“Y/N... It has always been the three of us. Can’t we just be two for once?”

“Be honest with yourself. Are we even a thing? You’re technically hiding me”. Y/N felt a knot forming in her throat, locking her words inside. She was trembling, trying so hard to do not cry again, not in front of him.

“You know I’m doing this because people will freak out and they won’t leave us alone. Plus they’re obsessed with you and him being a thing. They’ll hate you. Going public would destroy your career right now”. Tom sounded calm and analytic as if they weren’t in the middle of their worst crisis yet.

He was practically asking her to cut off Haz.

“But screw them” he added. “I don’t give a damn about press, our publicists, the fans… I, I only care about you and me Y/N”. Tom closes the gap between them, forcing Y/N into his embrace, resting his forehead on hers. She melted at his touch, she always did. She was asking him to be hers and forget about the world. Yet it was easier than what he asked, be his and forget about the only person that has always been there for her.

“I love you Tom” She hesitatingly tried to reach his face, her hands trembling a little. He intercepted her movements, taking her hands on his and kissing both of them. He was so smitten, Y/N couldn’t resist that image. She loved him so much. There was nothing she wouldn’t give up to be with him. Tom grabbed her face and looked deep into her eyes. Words were unnecessary. He knew he had won. Y/N was already sorry for the words she’ll pronounce. “I’m not gonna talk to him anymore”.

“But love, the movie...”. Tom’s excitement disguised in worry. He knew how hard it would be to tear their friendship apart, but he was determined.

“I think is the best for all of us. If he can’t understand we are together, well, he’s not worthy of our friendship”. Y/N listened to her own words in disbelief. What was she doing? Haz did absolutely nothing.

“You know what, let me talk to him. You don’t have to worry. We’ll fix this”. He pressed his lips on hers, not lovingly, but reaffirming he was in total control of her. “And then we’ll see if we can tell everyone about us”.

***

“You don’t have to do this”. A badly injured Captain Smith rested on the nursery’s litter. Y/N’s character, Eliza, had to clean the wounds on his abdomen. She could notice the goosebumps she was inducing to Haz, every time her hands lowered down his toned torso. She tried to swallow the knot in her throat, the nervousness taking her down at the thought of her most recent fight with Tom.

-”Y/N! Your lines darling!”

Director’s words took her out of her trance. She gave a little jump, everyone in set noticing she was long gone from there.

-”CUT! Let’s give her a moment”. The director let out with a frustrated sigh. The woman guessed something was wrong but didn’t want to confront the actors yet.

-”What’s wrong with you today? It’s the third time we have to take a break because you seem to be on Uranus” Harrison point out, clearly pissed by her attitude.

Y/N looked down and whispered “None of your business”, Haz propped out of the litter, trying not to soil everything with the fake blood, and glanced at her with incredulity.

-”Ok, I think we need to come clean Y/N, we’re friends, and we have a film to shoot. So, please, be honest. Did I make something to fuck up things between us?”.

Y/N looked away. She didn’t want to confront him about how weird he was acting since she was with Tom. Neither ask him if he was in love with her, as she thought out loud the other day before starting all this drama.

“I’m your friend Y/N. I’ll always be. I know I may have been a little bit of a dickhead lately. But it’s hard to me to see you together. Thridweeling it’s not okay with me. Also, I don’t like the way you’re dealing with all this hiding your relationship thing. It’s absurd. If you’re dating Tom and you’re happy about it you shouldn’t be leaving the club 30 minutes after he did and using another exit. Maybe I’m mistaken and maybe I shouldn’t interfere with your relationship, but I love you guys. And I think you’ll hurt each other”

Silence took place after Haz. His friend looked directly at him for the first time in the day. About to burst into tears, Y/N almost threw herself at his arms.

“I’m the one who’s a dickhead Haz. For a moment I even thought you had a thing for me and I… I told him and he got so mad at me Haz. It’s us who’ve been dickheads towards you” she sobbed, holding him close. “I even thought you had a thing for me” that’s all he heard. “Me too,” he told to himself.

Y/N broke the hug to notice she soiled her nurse uniform and started to laugh nervously, her contagious giggles making grow the grin on Harrison’s face.

“We good now, I suppose”. The blond guy softly punched his friend arm. She nodded and hit him back.

“Yeah, I guess we’re good” Y/N replied, whipping off some tears.

The director calls them back to set, instantly getting that things were fixed between them and they could finally road the scenes they’ve programmed for the day.

“Blood looking good on your suit Nurse Eliza” she said to Y/N, quickly winking at her.

***

Tom and Y/N were alright. Sometimes he would make some rude comments about how much time she shared with Haz on set, but he couldn’t go too far because Y/N’s mom makes sure to keep him in line. All that woman cared about was Y/N’s public image and she would not tolerate a scandal, that’s why they all agreed they would keep their relationship out of the public eye until the release of Harrison and Y/N’s movie. It worked as a “pilot” for their romance as well. Ursula, her mom, was convinced Tom was just another one of her daughter’s whims and she wanted to test them as a couple, to see if it was convenient to launch them as the next big thing.

It was hard for Y/N, because everyone was pushing her to do things she wasn’t completely sure of. Her days with Tom were happy, as long as nobody mentioned Haz in front of him. Don’t fool yourself, Tom was still being friends with Harrison and going out with him to bars and UFC nights, but as he did with Y/N, Tom treated Haz like shit as soon as someone asked the blond guy why wasn’t she there with them. Harrison wasn’t having it, so he tried to avoid Tom, but, also as he did with Y/N, he always came back apologizing and making promises of being a good friend for him, as in the good ol’ times.

The shooting was a real challenge for Harrison. He cursed himself and his agent for getting him into such a mess. Every time he had to kiss her, touch her, fictionally made love to her, Harrison was regretting having that part. He was also regretting to never have had the guts to made a move on her. He laughed at himself for respecting those absurd codes Tom didn’t.

“Okay, so I really like Y/N” a young boy once said to his best mate.

“Aye mate, she’s fit. But we both fancy her, so I guess none of us is getting it”.

They were 16. Y/N was already world-wide famous and way out of their league. Even tho, she not just noticed them, she made them part of her life. It has been like that for the past 14 years. The three of them. But now Tom wanted something different, and deep inside him, Harrison wanted it too.

***

“Wow, so much chemistry! Tell me some of this is reflected on the big screen!”.

“Sure. I mean, when you have to play a role like ours, where you need to recreate such a special and tight bond, I think the best thing that could ever happen is to do it with someone you already have something special. For me, to be in this movie with my best friend is amazing, a wonderful experience”. Y/N was nervous but she could handle this scenario as a true professional. Harrison proudly nodded at every single word of her little speech.

“Guys, seriously, look at you, this can’t be just a friendship”

-”Actually, we’re not just friends. We’re family. But let me stop you there before you keep addressing dating rumours, Y/N’s taken”. Harrison smiled all the time, knowing exactly what he was doing.

Trembling, Y/N had to reset her mind quickly, for the reporter would be avid to know who was the lucky one. “Y-Yeah, I… I’m in a relationship” was all she could say.

“Wow, that’s a scoop! Y/N finally got herself a sweetheart” the young woman let out a small giggle, followed by Harrison, who kept a hand pressed on the small of Y/N’s back, making sure she wouldn’t run away.

“Yes, she’s dating our friend Tom. For half a year now, actually”. It’s over now, you fucking moron, Harrison was enjoying to finish Tom’s charade.

“Tom frigging Holland!?” Wow wow wow, so all this time we’ve been playing the fools thinking you were dating the wrong friend! This is the hottest reveal of the year!” it was too much to process for the young journalist, she was expecting to make just a cute interview to this Hollywood sweethearts and found something way better. It was way harder to process to Y/N, who felt like she was about to faint.

“We wanted to take it slow, you know, because we’ve been friends for so long. Thankfully we have all of our friends support, especially yours” she faced Harrison. Y/N Y/L/N wouldn't let anyone humiliate her, not even Harrison. He nodded in response, a satisfactory grin on his face, unknowingly she was having the reaction he expected from her. It wasn't Haz intention to bother Y/N. Thomas was the target of this little number he was giving to the press.

“So where's Tom tonight? His girlfriend and best friend are premiering a movie that it's said gonna be a complete success” those words echoed in Y/N’s ears. She didn't know where he was exactly. He told her about a super secret Marvel project, but he had always shared Marvel secrets with her.

“Oh he couldn’t make it tonight, he’s working and he was terribly sorry this afternoon when we talked but it’s alright. It’s part of our jobs”. Y/N stated, she was dealing with the interview as well as she could but wanted it to end as soon as possible.

“Yeah it’s a real shame, we love Tom, it would be nice to have him with us tonight” Harrison finished the interview with those words. Y/N’s mom was in the nine cloud. The news of Y/N and Tom’s romance were on every social media. That was something good because everyone was talking about her and all press is good press, although, Ursula was a little bit pissed because she wasn’t in control of it. The publicists freaked out, they started to receive hundreds of offers and every media wanted an exclusive interview with the new Hollywood power couple. Anna Wintour herself texted Ursula to offer Y/N the iconic September issue of Vogue. Harrison gave her an early Christmas present. She barely noticed her daughter was about to have a breakdown. Harrison realized he acted blinded by the ressentiment growing between him and Tom “What have I done?” he asked himself, deeply sorry about ruining his friend’s special night.

“I’m sorry” he murmured before the movie started playing, and held her hand the entire time.

“I’m not ready to hear you’re sorry” she responded. And it was the last words he heard from her for the rest of the night.

***

“Two weeks. Only two weeks and he couldn’t keep it in his pants”

Y/N wasn’t listening. She didn’t care her mom’s reaction. She didn’t care about every fucking site posting those pictures. She didn’t care about her fanbase talking about how Harrison would have never done that to her. Because Harrison did. If he wouldn’t open his mouth in the premiere’s night, the humiliation wouldn’t be public, and it would have made it a lot more bearable.

She took her keys and texted her security detail. She was not going to stay one more second with Ursula ranting about how Tom ruined everything for them and how she ruined her career. It was just her boyfriend cheating. She was not found guilty of a child’s murder or something like that. She was just another girl who had fallen on his web. Pun not intended.

The ride to Harrison’s place was quiet. She found a couple of minutes of peace. Brandon, her bodyguard was explaining her a strategy he diagramed to avoid paparazzi once they arrive. She couldn’t pay attention to him, no matter how much she tried. Her mind was all over those pictures of Tom kissing and hugging a mysterious girl in Hawaii, while he supposedly should be reshooting some scenes in Marvel’s studios in Atlanta.

“We’re here Y/N. Did you get our plan?”

She didn’t reply. As soon as she put a foot outside the car paps were all over her. She looked down and made her way to the building. Lucky she had a key.

Harrison heard the knock at the door. He hasn’t talked to her but he was waiting for Y/N anyways. The blond man took a deep breath before opening his front door, preparing himself to deal with a broken Y/N.

-”You bloody moron, you did. You ruined my life, you ruined my life” she punched him as many times as she could before collapsing into his arms. He held her tightly, scratching her scalp while rubbing her back and whispering that he was sorry and that everything was going to be alright.

-”Why did you tell everyone we were dating? If you didn’t I would not be so exposed now, I wouldn’t have to stand my mother blaming me for all this. I would not be the poor idiot in front of everyone” Y/N recriminated to Harrison between sobs and screams. She continued beating him and he was still having her in a hug.

They remained in silence for a couple of minutes until she stopped shaken, calmed down by the sound of his heartbeats. She started caressing Harrison’s arms with the gem of her fingers. Softly, up and down tracing patterns on her friend’s skin. He didn’t let go of her, now rounding her delicate form with his arms, resting his crossed hands on the small of her back.

She found peace for a moment. The peace she was looking for in the car trip. The peace she needed when she picked up her keys and left her mom talking on her own. Is him she thought. He is my peaceful place.

Y/N placed a timid, almost imperceptible kiss on his collarbone. Then her lips started their way to the sweet spot on his neck. Haz titled his dead a bit, succumbing to temptation. How many times he daydreamed with this moment.

“Y/N no, please stop,” Harrison said, do not believing the words slipping from his lips. “You don’t want this and neither I” he added while gently pushed her to separate their bodies.

Y/N insisted, kisses were gaining in eagerness, getting sloppier and wetter. Her lips traveled from his neck to his earlobe, to bite it softly and murmur sweet nothings into his ear.

Harrison woke up from his trance before it was too late when a door slammed behind them.

“Listen to me kid. You better go back from where you came”. Y/N didn’t recognize the young brunette who came out from Harrison’s bedroom wearing nothing but one of his t-shirts and boxers. “You had your shot and you choose the cheating bastard”. Harrison gulped at the sight of Maria, leaving their now shared bedroom to claim him for herself.

-”Who the fuck are you?” Y/N said, trying to compose herself from the rollercoaster of emotions running through her body and mind.

-”I’m the one who’s gonna kick you out, darling. You’ve hurt this man enough. C’mon. Get out” Maria stated, now resting her back on the doorframe, looking and feeling cooler and more badass than ever.

Ashamed by her actions, with her mind and spirit blurred, Y/N ran away from the apartment.

-”Well, you need new friends now I guess”. Maria said a little bit discouraged, resting her palm on Haz’s shoulder while his gaze was glued to the door Y/N let open.

-”At least I have you” Harrison whispered, before lifting her up and take her back to the bedroom between giggles and kisses.

***

Taglist of lovely people who might be interested in this :)

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#tom holland fic #tom holland smut #tom holland imagine #tom holland x reader #tom holland x reader x harrison osterfield #harrison osterfield #harrison osterfield x reader #harrison osterfield fic #harrison osterfield smut

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shirlleycoyle · 3 years

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My Life as a Meme: ‘I Can’t Believe You’ve Done This’ Revisited

In November 2007, an entirely contextless video of me being punched in the face went viral. You might have seen it. It still does the rounds every couple of months, often when something notably bad happens that warrants a response of disbelief. In these strange times, it’s managed to remain endlessly prescient.

For the uninitiated, the video in question is an 11-second clip in which, aged 16, I appear wearing a dressing gown cord around my head, a chain necklace, some children’s sunglasses and a black T-shirt. I sit down and address the camera, ostensibly about to tell the viewer what I was thinking. I am immediately interrupted by my friend Tim, who appears stage left and lamps me. Rather than react in pain or anger, I err more towards disappointment and dismay, bewildered that something like this could happen. “Ah fuck. I can’t believe you’ve done this,” I said. End scene.

It’s been nearly 14 years since I uploaded the original video and to this day it still prompts questions. Who was the guy who got punched? Why did he get punched? Who punched him? What was he thinking? Why did he react that way? Why did he leave YouTube?

In recent years I’ve come to appreciate and even enjoy its bizarre status as an enduring piece of internet history, but my relationship with the clip in the decade that followed its inexorable rise hasn’t always been easy. To understand why, it’s useful to remember that the internet in 2007 was, for better or worse, a very different place.

Having spent the best part of my school years filming stupid skits with mates instead of studying, there was something semi-appealing about the prospect of being able to put videos online to share with friends. It began in mid-2003, when myself and a group of friends would have been in our early teens. Inspired by the likes of Jackass and Bam Margera’s CKY movies, our impressionable young selves set about ignoring all relevant safety warnings, hurling ourselves out of trees, riding scooters into curbs, and racing tyres down hills on skateboards.

At the age of 14 or so, I had envisaged cutting the footage into a chaotic feature-length video of “stunts.” I’d probably have soundtracked it with music from the Tony Hawk games, alongside countless other homemade skate videos people made circa 2003 that probably featured a mix of Ace of Spades or Guerilla Radio. I still have a box full of VHS-C tapes kicking around somewhere, which can only be viewed on one of those absolutely insane VHS adapters. Having not watched any of it in well over a decade, I can safely say that the content contained within those tapes is unequivocally shit.

All of a sudden you're everywhere and it's out of your control. You either try to fight it and get destroyed, or embrace it and try to cash in.

Looking back, the whole endeavour was entirely aimless, but aside from coming away with mild head injuries from time to time it was an innocuous way to spend my childhood. At the very least it also means I have a bizarre, tangible record of my youth that I’ll be able to laugh at one day when I’m old and wizened.

By summer 2004, we had started filming on Mini-DV, which opened up a whole new world of editing possibilities. Plugging a video camera into a computer and capturing footage directly to editing software is pretty much a given for today’s generation of content creators, but back in the early 2000s, this was revolutionary.

We’d eventually gravitate away from ‘stunts’ towards more structured skits and sketches. Nothing was ever scripted per se, but we’d usually start out with a rough idea of something and see how it played out.

There was an ambitiously misguided 'silent horror' short, soundtracked by Mike Oldfield’s Tubular Bells, in which someone chopped off ‘my cock’ (a banana) with a garden shear. We considered this to be the absolute pinnacle of comedy.

There was an ill-advised 'Ballers' skit in which we ventured out in sports gear to make a mock training video taking the piss out of a guy at school who fancied himself as a bit of a gangster; this painfully middle-class white kid who listened to rap metal and liked basketball. He obviously never saw it and there's no question that we looked like idiots filming it at the local park. It’s probably quite offensive in hindsight.

The author at the Bristol Climate Change Protests in September 2019. Image: Shanya Buultjens

There was a James Bond 'spoof' that involved misquoting portions of dialogue from that scene in GoldenEye where Q gives Bond an exploding pen. It was funny to about three people. One of them was my mum.

One time a mate of mine fell out of a tree when he tried to swing from a branch. He landed on his back and ended up coughing up blood. He didn’t go to the hospital even though he probably should have. He’s now a doctor and a father.

Mercifully, none of this stuff ever made it online, but I did sell a couple of DVDs to people at school who rightly/probably/hopefully never watched them. In an ideal world, I'd own the only copies. I'm also fully aware that writing about this now only makes it more likely that one of the four people that still have a copy will dig theirs out. Please do not do that.

In 2005 and 2006, YouTube was very much in its infancy. This was the time when clips were limited to about 100mb and you could only upload about 30 seconds worth of footage at a time, which basically made it perfect for bursts of frenetic, inane content. As the platform grew, it became a dumping ground for skits and footage that we’d accumulated over the preceding years. Much of it went completely unnoticed until late 2007, at which point things started to get a bit weird.

The truth is that, nearly a decade and a half later, I’m still processing it.

The clip that people have come to know started out as an aimless skit filmed in Summer 2006. We hadn’t planned anything, least of all me being punched. In the footage building up to the event, I pushed Tim off the chair, he fell and hit his head on a filing cabinet off-camera. Rather than react to Tim, I sat down and proceeded to ad lib something that I’d venture to guess would have been considerably less funny than the act of violence that followed. Unprompted, Tim upsided me and I reacted with an inexplicable, completely incredulous response, which has followed me online ever since.

The footage sat on a tape until July 2007 when I decided to upload a brief segment under an ambiguous title. Fast forward to November and the video had somehow blown up, had its comments section relentlessly spammed, been ripped countless times and had offensive Wiki pages written about it. I also received a few direct messages which could at best have been described as ‘worrying’ and at worst ‘threatening,’ which was nice.

To this day, I’m none the wiser as to how it blew up in the way it did. I originally uploaded the video under the title ‘ ___________’ but the video somehow found its way onto 4chan where it spread like wildfire. The earliest mirrored link I could find was from January 2008, by which time it had been re-uploaded by multiple accounts, the most prominent of which had already clocked up almost double the number of views compared to my original upload.

At the time, going viral wasn't really comparable to any other experience and it certainly wasn't something I could discuss in solidarity with my friends. All of a sudden you're everywhere and it's out of your control. You either try to fight it and get destroyed, or embrace it and try to cash in. After yanking down several other videos on my YouTube channel, I opted for the latter.

When the video blew up, I got a call from a friend who informed me that the video had made the front page of Break.com. I peripherally knew what that meant: they offered a buyout scheme for videos that made the front page, which meant that I could make some money from it.

As it transpired, this wasn’t such a great idea. After signing a release form with some pretty appalling terms, over the following months I had several unnerving interactions with researchers for various TV shows looking to license the clip. Each offered far more favourable terms than those of Break. One of them harassed a bunch of my mates on Facebook. I think he even offered to pay one of them for my contact details.

By that point, it was all too apparent that I had completely fucked it. Break had the rights and I couldn't do anything with it even if I wanted to. At just 18 years old, I had sold out. In the short term, I used the money to buy a TV, which was great, but I soon started to get the creeping feeling that this was a decision that would come to haunt me. At that point, it was easier to disassociate myself from the clip, abandon YouTube, and move on with my life.

And yet, for the best part of 14 years the questions have kept coming: no, it wasn’t staged or scripted, it wasn’t a set-up, I didn’t know it was coming and, yes, it hurt. It was also very funny, which is presumably why I felt the need to upload it in isolation in the first place. Incidentally, Tim and I are still friends and contrary to some of the absolutely insane comments people leave on YouTube I can confirm that neither of us are in prison, the punch wasn’t a reaction to some sort of disagreement and he’s a lovely bloke.

To be clear, the lack of context wasn’t a deliberate choice to add intrigue either. I’d never even considered the possibility that anyone outside my circle of friends would see it. To me it was just another daft clip that a few mates would find funny.

Around the time I’d started to make peace with the issues around ownership, in 2018 it came to my attention that Break had shut down and its owner Defy Media had gone bust. The site was subsequently purchased by Yeah1 Network, but to this day I have no clarity whatsoever on my legal rights to the video. Any attempts to receive guidance have either turned up dead ends, or led to suggestions that I speak to IP lawyers, whom I have neither the means nor the time to deal with. Incidentally, if anyone has any insights in that area, I’d love to hear them.

Having said this, there’s something quite empowering in taking something embarrassing and admitting to it before someone else can point it out to you—a bit like taking ownership of an amusing surname. I’ll leave it to you to figure out what gags can be made from the name ‘Weedon,’ but I learned quite early on that if you make the jokes yourself and beat others to it, no one can fucking touch you. It’s much easier nowadays to hold my hands up and admit that I shouldn’t have sold the rights, make a joke of it and move on. At the very least, it makes for a good anecdote at parties.

As I suspect is probably the case for old content creators, if you can even call us that, the real story about I Can’t Believe You’ve Done This isn’t in how it’s aged and endured, or even how it’s impacted my life. For me, it’s tied up in issues of rights, ownership, and monetisation. As mercenary as it might be, I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t regret missing out on a slice of the pie when it came to YouTubers being able to monetise their content sooner. On the one hand, that's probably a very cynical view for something that was created by a bunch of teenagers who were fooling around making videos for fun in the noughties, but on the other, that's just the world we live in now.

Perhaps the strangest thing about my experience with it nowadays is the way people engage with it on a day-to-day basis. The comments vary from young people discovering its origins for the first time, surprised to discover that it is in fact a 14 year old video and not a recent creation filmed for Vine or TikTok. At the other end of the spectrum are those who are incredulous that someone with a video that has 9.2 million views and an account that’s amassed over 15,000 followers without really trying would step away from the platform and not want to make content.

The truth is that, nearly a decade and a half later, I’m still processing it. I love seeing how it’s been re-interpreted in modern mediums and that positive association has made it easier to accept. Charles Cornell turned it into a sad song. It got sampled in a KIll The Noise track. I had a nice interaction with The Sidemen about it. Will Smith even featured it in an insane Instagram post during the pandemic. I DM’d him to say thanks and he obviously didn’t reply.

To that end, a small group of us have recently started work on a film project exploring the nature of the meme, how it grew, its impact on my life and my relationship with the internet at large. In doing so, the hope is that, while answering some of the burning questions that other people still seem to have, I’ll ultimately be able to make peace with the whole thing.

@Twotafkap

My Life as a Meme: ‘I Can’t Believe You’ve Done This’ Revisited syndicated from https://triviaqaweb.wordpress.com/feed/

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loubabykitten · 6 years

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FICS OF THE WEEK

Atlas at last (83k, chaptered) - 1970s au, Queen stan!Louis

He doesn’t know what he had been expecting out of the road trip itself besides burping contests and too much shitty gas station food with Oli and Stan, but in the brief moment before Harry ambles up his driveway, Louis idly wonders if this is about to become some sort of Gay Coming of Age story.

Maine to California in ten days. In which Zayn’s an open-shirt hippie they meet somewhere in Ohio, Liam’s the pastor’s son running away from home, and Niall’s the number they call on the bathroom wall.

It’s 1978. Harry and Louis are just trying to get to San Fran in time for the Queen concert.

Things gone cold (24k, one shot) - soulmates au

"your heart is warm for things gone cold.” Sophocles, Antigone

With his soulmate’s thoughts about him written on his skin and the world’s eyes trailing his every movement, Harry Styles is having a bit of a rough time releasing his second album in peace. And that’s not even counting the breakup. Or the car crash.

Spirit to a dove (97k, chaptered) - reality show au

For as long as it’s been on the air, Harry’s been an avid watcher of Trivialities. He’s always imagined what it’d be like to compete on the show himself, and when the opportunity arises, he’s fast tracked to join the new cast for the show’s eighth season.

Alliances are formed, strategies are planned, and Harry finds himself with his very own nemesis. Between trivia and physical challenges, Harry’s making the most of his time in the house, but nothing could’ve prepared him for Louis Tomlinson.

(we will be) as if chosen (35k, one shot) - royalty au

There's not a royal in the world who doesn't carry some sort of secret, and Prince Louis has more than his fair share. To protect himself and his family, Louis withdrew from the public eye and tried to live a quiet life, biding his time until his sister Lottie could take the throne in his stead. Unfortunately for him, the national media and the worst person Louis has ever met team up to bring him kicking and screaming back into the spotlight.

Under the watchful eyes of millions, Louis has to figure out how to keep his carefully constructed house of cards from falling, and the first step to accomplishing that is to keep from falling in love with the irritatingly charming Prince Harry, who just won't stop showing up and trying to whisk Louis out of the constraints of his boring life.

Or: the course of true love never did run smooth, because sometimes people are stubborn and sometimes people are scared and sometimes, just sometimes, love can cause just as many problems as it solves.

Homegrown (51k, chaptered)

“It wasn’t an easy decision, if I’m honest” Harry admits, shoulders sagging in on himself. “Moving is really difficult. My whole life was in Manchester. But Manchester didn’t want me. Leeds did.”

“Well, Leeds is happy to have you,” Louis says, giving Harry a kind smile.

Harry brightens a bit at that, undeniably pleased. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Louis replies, expression soft and lips curved.

Or, a gardening AU where Harry is new to town and the newest volunteer at the local gardening club, Louis is the attractive grandson of one of the members, and the nosy volunteers hatch a plan to get them together.

Just a walk in the park (124k, chaptered) - Jurassic Park au

It's 2015, the first time dinosaurs walked the earth in over 65 million years. The multi-billion dollar company, Twist Corporations, is planning a summer opening for their world changing attraction, "Jurassic Park".

They take an interest in the history making duo of Dr. Louis Tomlinson, a stubborn paleontologist, and his partner, paleobotanist Dr. Liam Payne, giving them the chance of a lifetime to work for the new theme park. Louis is apprehensive, but Liam has a "gut feeling" that it will change their lives. He isn't wrong.

Featuring Niall as the top engineer to get the park up and running, Zayn as the raptor expert, and Harry as the grandson of one of the most influential men in the world.

Who we used to be (29k, one shot)

“The doctor said he might remember,” Gemma said. “If he was around familiar things. Mum thinks that means he needs to stay with her forever, spend all day looking at old baby pictures and school photos. But he remembers all that perfectly. It’s living with you and your weird gang of lost boys that he doesn’t remember.”

“And you think the best way to jog his memory is some weird kind of full-emersion re-enactment?”

”It might be,” said Gemma. “It can’t hurt to try.”

An au where Harry and Louis used to be together, and then they broke up, and now Harry can’t remember any of it.

Better still, be my winding wheel (179k, chaptered)

Future fic. The band goes on their last tour.

Taken over by the feeling (53k, one shot) - adult au, bakery owner!harry, magazine editor!louis

After almost a year of increasingly troubling behavior, Louis agrees to let his sister live with him. It's a last resort before more drastic measures are taken by their mom.

Harry Styles runs Given A Chance, a program for troubled and disadvantaged teens out of the bakery he owns. He offers the kids in his program what he believes they need to start on a different and better path for their lives.

Louis learns all too quickly that Harry's goodwill does not extend to him. Only because he happens to remind Harry of an ex he'd rather forget. It's not the smoothest of beginnings, but in the end Louis' own issues might be the real problem.

#larry #larry stylinson #larry fic #larry fanfiction #larry au #fic rec #larry smut #larry fluff #larry angst #louis tomlinson fanfiction #harry styles fanfction

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etoilesdephan · 6 years

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Burn bright for my constellations (Chapter 8)

Chapter masterpost

Word count: 3.8k

Read it on ao3!

A/N: I have edited this but there might still be some mistakes, and if there are, I apologise <3 I will return to trying to edit it again when my brain doesn't feel like melting :'D Hope you enjoy <3

======

The words before his eyes were a jumbled mess. His mind far away, thinking about the conversation with D'aja. Only when his phone screen lit up, and Dan felt his heart jump in that familiar manner by now, excitement instead of the constant worry present, that it was finally drawn back to the reality.

Phil had been absent from school for a few days, but had made sure to message Dan, their casual banter not ceasing though there was something worrying about it too, the way the answers took a longer time and how often Phil would jump over one of the topics without answering though asked direct questions.

Yet, a selfish part of Dan was just glad to see those messages pop up, always too afraid that if he asked too much that the other boy would pull away and stop replying. Though the two had been rather open, there was something looming in the air, and he couldn't place the feeling; his therapist said that trauma could affect his perception, that things may sometimes not make sense, so he latched onto that explanation. He allowed only the worries that he could easily justify take up space in his mind, and instead settled on peaceful oblivion for those that he couldn't.

That quickly changed though, when he finally read the message, where Phil's usually carefully crafted sentences were not as clear anymore, a bunch of misspelled words, and a complete lack of punctuation that even Dan knew of (He'd often laughed that chatting with Phil felt like Dan was talking to an English teacher), all in all a mess of fumbling fingers gliding across the screen rather than a coherent thought.

Phil: Do ypu wantto cme ovre

Dan furrowed his brows, the corners of his mouth dipping downwards heavily at the message, and looked up through his window and at Phil's, where the curtains were drawn and every window that he could see was dark. Same as it had been for the past couple of days.

Dan: where r u?

Phil: home

He looked up again, but there was still no sign of life in the house across the yard, and it made Dan's heart sink with worry.

His studies forgotten, he pulled himself up and through the hallways. The cryptic messages made him assume the worst, where the terrors of his night took new shape, finally let loose after the quiet oblivion. What if Phil was hurt and unable to get anyone else to help him? The thought alone set Dan's heart racing and he was nearly tripping over his own feet by the time he reached the front door and his mum emerged from the living room.

“Where are you going?” He could heard the way she sounded inquisitive, but when their eyes met, there was a knowing hint about her expression, say, she already knew the answer.

Dan shot her a look that was almost apologetic, “Phil's,” He didn't elaborate why, and his mum didn't ask though her lips had parted to do so before she stopped herself.

“Please be home on time. Remember that you have school tomorrow,” She said instead, and Dan impatiently nodded, one hand grabbing for the doorknob and the other - his hood, to pull it over his eyes more out of habit than anything else, and was about to leave only to stop when she spoke again.

“You can talk to me, Daniel, you know that, right?”

Dan paused, and looked over at her and what he saw was something in her gaze that he couldn't decipher. Throughout the past year he had seen a lot of different things in her eyes, but for once there was something new. A bit of worry, a bit of emotion he couldn't really name, and then there was that softness which was almost painful, something about it reminiscent of the looks she had given him when he had first come to it at hospital post-accident.

It made him reluctant to leave but then she turned away and he was released from that mystery of a question.

“Okay, mum,” He managed quietly but she was already gone and he walked out into the darkness of the British winter suddenly drawn down to Earth like he had been floating above it all for days until now.

The weather was dreary and made him wish that he was in his bed still, but instead he scurried onward quicker, his feet clumsy on the pavement but clear in their direction.

The windows were still dark when Dan rang the bell, confounded. It took a while, Dan shifting impatiently as the cold invaded through the seams of his clothing, until the door clicked open and when Phil appeared in the doorway Dan's face fell at the expression the other wore.

Phil's eyes were puffy like he had been crying and every little part about him looked ruffled up, untidy. His limbs were heavy, his entire tall posture low and like he was struggling to stay upright.

Phil opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out and it was scary to watch, the way the always rather sunny boy looked like the sky had gone dark and starless. Dan moved in close, slow at first but when Phil released a small whimper, he didn't hesitate anymore and reached out to wrap his arms around Phil's shoulders to draw the other boy in and felt the way Phil's arms held tightly around his waist in return. At first Dan tensed, a memory of being trapped starting to creep in, but soon relaxed into the hold, forcing his thoughts to focus on the soft sounds near his ear, and the way that his shoulder felt colder with the winter air where the tears had soaked through the fabric quickly.

And he had no idea what else to do, so he held him close, rubbing his hand over the back of Phil's neck, and the short hair at the nape of it, trying to soothe the older boy.

It took a while and Dan felt how his limbs were growing stiffer with every second that ticked away, and eventually he stood there supported by Phil's hold only to stumble a little once Phil unwound his arms, though slowly, from around him.

“What's wrong, Phil?” Dan asked quietly when Phil rubbed his eyes to dry them only succeeding at reddening them even more instead. Slowly, Dan reached out to close the door finally, and reached for Phil's hand to drag the other boy further into the house. It was quiet and dark, and it was clear that Phil was home all alone.

Once he had coaxed Phil into sitting down on the couch, Dan patted around the wall near the door till he found the light switch and flipped it on. Phil instantly squinted at the light, shielding his eyes with his hand but Dan could only focus on one thing - the way Phil looked, distressed, pale, tear-stained and red-eyed. There were stains on his shirt and sweatpants like he had accidentally spilled something on himself and not bothered to change. And that silence, it pressed against Dan's eardrums painfully, the ringing nearly nonexistent by now.

“Talk to me,” Dan's voice came out hushed when he sat next to Phil who didn't wait long to lean into Dan and it made the younger boy's heart jump and break when he felt the tremors running through the other boy.

“They don't know what's wrong,” Phil's voice was thick and weak when he finally answered, and so distant that it felt like Phil was speaking from another universe. Dan wrapped an arm around his shoulders, quiet, allowing the other to continue. “I'm so afraid,” The confession was nearly soundless and had Dan not been looking down at Phil's face, he might have missed it completely.

“Is it your dad?” Dan finally asked when the silence grew and so did the tremors from Phil, and Dan could hear Phil swallow thickly before the other nodded. It had been a topic that hadn't been discussed much but Dan could see the way Phil would always look pained hearing his father having another coughing fit, only to smile brightly when Dan met his gaze.

There was a faint sound, closer to a kicked animal than a teenage boy, from Phil and Dan could feel the other boy's body heavily against his side, the tremors growing periodically even after Dan had thrown his arm around Phil's shoulders. And with each tremor Dan could feel his chest constricting more with the way his heart was crumbling bit by bit. He felt the tightness begin to bleed with memories of pain, but he bit the feeling away and instead tried to force his entire attention on the now.

Because Phil needed him.

“Come on, you should wear something clean,” Finally Dan said, to Phil, after looking around for any form of additional comfort in the room. Suddenly the surroundings felt lifeless, sad and heavy, every edge too sharp and fabric too rough. It was only the comfort of green and postered walls that he could think of within the house.

It was wordlessly that Phil took Dan's free hand, the clammy fingers trembling in the hold but holding on tightly like his life depended on it. So Dan did the same, his clumsy fingers certain in their strength as they wrapped around the other boy's palm and gave it a light squeeze. Wrapped up awkwardly, Dan slowly pulled Phil up on his feet, trying hard to keep the two of them upright when he felt Phil lean into him a bit too heavily, Dan's ankles wobbling a little, still weaker than he had expected. He just bit his lip, pushing the feeling away and waited until the strangeness of the fact that for once he could support somebody else passed.

"Come now," He hoisted the other boy closer, squeezing Phil's shoulders before he began to walk towards the stairway slowly, and felt Phil obediently follow. One step, two, dozen of steps later and a couple of dozen of moments after, they finally pushed through the door and though Phil had held on so tightly, his grip loosened instantly once Dan pushed him gently to sit down on the bed.

"Let's get you into something clean," Dan muttered though it felt like Phil was not following at all, just swaying a little sitting on the very edge of the bed. For a moment Dan was worried that the other boy would slip off of it, but after a while of just watching him, shook his head and turned to dig through the closet for a clean t-shirt and a hoodie. Once he'd grabbed the two pieces, he returned and laid them out next to Phil who had barely moved aside from the light shivering and swaying that was still present in every fibre of his being.

"Should I..." Dan began but when Phil didn't respond, chewed at the inside of his cheek thoughtfully. Slowly, he reached out, lifting the hem of Phil's shirt and it seemed like a stronger shiver took over the other boy but it was gone as soon as it had appeared. "Is it okay?" Dan asked, remembering the many times that Phil had wordlessly asked Dan to leave the room when he was changing.

There was only a small sound, akin to a confirmation, and Dan continued to pull slowly and navigate Phil's arms before he finally managed to pull the shirt off over the dark mop of hair, now left in a wilder mess than before. He tossed the shirt on the floor, and with a frown, carefully reached out and began sorting out the mess on Phil's head.

"Look at me?" He asked gently and ran his hand over the side of Phil's head, just about to trail over his jawline to touch his chin but before he could, Phil flinched and wrapped his arms around himself as if suddenly exposed. It was then that Dan noted the multitude of freckles covering Phil's shoulders and going down his arms, and from what Dan could tell, also down his back. He could see how Phil would curl in on himself even more, yet the curiosity got the best of him and before he realised what he was doing, Dan lightly touched Phil's shoulder with his fingertips, running them slowly across the warm, pale and freckled skin. It was only when Phil's body shook with another strong shiver did Dan snap out of it, withdrawing his hand, and when he turned his gaze, his dark eyes met with Phil's watery blues, reddened around the edges from all the tears and rubbing that they had gone through in the past hour and more.

"I-I'm so-sorry," The words were a stammer over Dan's lips and he was just about to retreat a step, his cheeks warm, when he felt a hand on his wrist, not forceful but enough to make him stay put. There was something ashamed in Phil's gaze but there was also amazement in between all the tiredness and pain, and Dan swallowed when the intensity of the gaze seeped into his being unexpectedly.

"T-the shirt," Dan turned to pick it up and felt Phil's hand fall away from his wrist though there was something unwilling in the little movement.

It was a few quiet moments later that Phil was wrapped up in a yellow hoodie and Dan was sitting next to him that Phil finally spoke up, his voice raspy and quiet but it was clear enough for Dan to hear, "Thank you," It was soft despite the rough edges and Dan looked at Phil in a questioning silence for a moment before he leaned in a little closer, brushing their shoulders together lightly.

"No worries," And a small pause later, his tongue formed words and pronounced them without Dan's consent, as if his logic and feelings had been completely separated in his being all of a sudden in the night, "I'll gladly take your shirt off any day."

Instantly his face flushed brightly, while Phil curled his shoulders forward a little and expelled a small laugh, one sound after the other until it settled into some kind of calm that hadn't been there before. It warmed Dan's chest, and he found it in himself the courage to reach out and gently take Phil's hand in his again, giving it another squeeze just like before, reassuring.

"How are you feeling?" He asked softly and after a little moment Phil shifted and returned the squeeze with one of his own.

"Fine.... Better?" It was questioning but Dan nodded to it, before leaning in closer once more, this time staying there when their arms were pressed against one another in their near full length.

"Do you want to stay over tonight? Mum made dinner," Though genuine in his offer, Dan found it in himself that he simply didn't want to let go again, his grip tightening just a little bit, and it seemed that Phil noticed it because after a small pause, he finally nodded.

It was later that night that Phil was tucked away in Dan's bed, that Dan found himself watching the other boy's form and biting his cheek thoughtfully. His chest was warm, almost joyous, but his face was a frown.

Finally it seemed that so many things were making more sense.

===

"Dan," The voice was low, wading in through the layers of Dan's dreams slowly, until his consciousness caught onto it and his eyelids fluttered open. It was a blur for a moment, then - a pair of blue eyes, staring right at him, without a clear indication of what was going on behind them. Dan just blinked slowly, staring at the wide pupils, until the morning dawned in on him, and the way though he was used to being wrapped in Phil's arms loosely whenever they awoke next to one another, now being only a few centimeters away seemed so much closer.

"M'rning," Dan managed out drowsily, but didn't dare to move to stretch or roll over like he usually would. Captivated by the blues, he was about to say something else when a loud knock on his door startled him.

"Morning, boys, it's time to wake up for school," It was his mum and Dan propped himself up on his elbow though his shoulder felt uncomfortable under his own weight still.

"We're up," He called out, his voice still asleep and throat thicker than he expected. He heard her footsteps take her down the stairs before he turned to look down at where Phil now lied on his back, still staring at Dan as if it was the first time he saw the younger boy and there was something dazed in the gaze.

"What's up?" Dan tried to smile cheekily, only resulting in an awkward smirk, but Phil said nothing. Instead, he reached out slowly and Dan felt his pulse increase when the warm palm laid against the side of his neck gently. He had never liked anyone touching his neck, yet now, underneath Phil's touch it felt like there was something thrilling in the sensation, making his skin crawl differently from how it had before.

He wanted to say something but his lips didn't move, as if afraid that too much would spill from them than it was safe. It felt like he was stuck in a moment, time still moving but he wasn't, his breaths slow and shallow and heartbeat a heightened mess in his chest.

It felt like a tiny eternity.

As soon as it had happened though, the touch was gane, Phil dropping his hand on the bed with a small bounce against the mattress, and there was somewhat blotchy blush taking over his features like his mind and body were both torn in what he was feeling.

"I should call my mum and find out how's dad doing," Phil finally spoke up and slowly sat up and turned his back to Dan, breaking whatever magic that had been in the air.

Slowly, Dan sat up, bringing his hand up to run it through his hair, both - trying to fix the curly mess and to make some sense of what had happened. His hand trailed from the head to the neck slowly where the ghost of Phil's touch still lingered. Still half-asleep, it was confusion that filled his mind and his chest felt too tight, too full of everything and it brought a mixture of excitement and dread.

Dan hadn’t even realised that he had closed his eyes, his fingers pressing into the side of his neck a little, until he heard Phil’s voice, “Dan?”

He blinked and let his hand slide away from the neck, and instead he offered Phil a smile, “I'm good.” He eyed the way Phil's fingers were closed around the phone so tight that his knuckles were turning white and shifted to pull himself out of the bed, “Do you want me to stay?”

It was a nod that was enough for Dan to reach out and take Phil's free hand in his once again.

“Hey, mum,” Phil's voice was a surprisingly convincing cheerful and it made Dan wonder how many times Phil had hidden his feelings from him as flawlessly, “How are you?” He paused, as if dreading to ask the following, ”How's dad doing?”

There was a clear sound of a sigh on the other side of the conversation.

Dan just stood there, watching the other boy's profile carefully, watched the way the tension in his shoulders had made him look so much more rigid, and how the earlier strange blush had paled to nonexistent. He felt the way Phil's hold became tighter, even too tight, but Dan just bit his lip and held on.

Then suddenly - it all melted away.

Perhaps it wasn't all of it but the difference was like watching a bloom of the trees sped up in a video. Suddenly the grip loosened to a comfortable one, the shoulders lowered a little, relaxed, and a slight tint of pink appeared on the cheeks again, much more even than before.

And when Phil spoke it was like the fakeness had become truth, the sound smoother than before before he choked at the end of his words, “I'm so glad to hear that.”

It gave hope and Dan tried to catch Phil's gaze by shifting carefully and pulling at his hand gently.

“Yeah, I'll come by later,” Was last he said before the call was over and there was dampness in those blue eyes again, but there was also a smile on those lips.

“They're treating him,” And without another word, Phil enveloped Dan in a tight hug and for the first time since he could remember, Dan felt only comfort in the tight hold.

It was going to be alright.

=====

The clinic seemed awfully quiet, but there was a kind of peace in that and Dan looked over at Phil by his side from below the hood that he had insisted of pulling on despite Phil assuring him that he looked fine.

“I'll see you after the session, okay?” Dan said and felt Phil's fingers squeeze his palm lightly in a quiet confirmation and when their eyes boys met, there was a mutual comfort in the silent exchange.

A shared strength in their differing battles.

“See you,” Phil murmured softly before releasing Dan's hand and turning to leave. Dan watched him disappear around the corner, pocketing his hand like he was trying to conserve the heat that had been there just a moment ago.

So he did the same.

But before Dan could turn the other way, a low buzz from his pocket caught his attention and he pulled out his phone, blinking at the caller ID before picking up, “Hello?”

“Dan,” The voice of the girl was the one that he hadn't expected to hear anytime soon after their last exchange.

“D'aja?”

“I'm worried about Matt, he sent me a strange message and I can't reach him anymore.”

The blood in his veins turned cold at that and his mouth felt dry. A mixture of indecision and dread poured into his limbs and he found himself unsure how to respond.

He eyed the end of the corridor where he knew his appointment time was just about to begin, where his psyche was being pushed and pulled, sometimes gentler than other, trying to make sense within his skull and find peace though it felt like it wasn't doing more than lulling him into oblivion instead.

He could hear his mother, hear Phil, Louise, all encouraging him to seek for the help if he was having trouble.

Maybe, just maybe, he had been doing it the wrong way.

Suddenly it felt like he had found the missing puzzle piece in what truly bothered him. All the loose ends and wounds still left untreated.

He turned away and towards the exit.

“Meet you at his house in fifteen minutes.”

He could worry about the missed appointment later.

#myfanfic #phanfic #phanfiction #phandom #phan

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thesaddaaays · 3 years

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I used to use this channel all the time to write about reece. The last time I posted was December 2018. It’s now January 2021.

The dates aren’t really important, but time has passed and a lots happened. I got over it. All of it. Every single bit. Reece is with someone else now and so am I. I’m happy. And I’m assuming he is too. That’s all over, it took me a while, long after I wrote that last post, to get over it. But I did. Hard. I never believed that I would but I did, but that’s not what brings me here today. All of that information would of been liberating in any other circumstance; finally beating the reason for content. Finally saying I don’t care about any of it anymore. Finally feeling free and at peace. It’s not that that isn’t true because it is, it’s just unfortunate that something came along and beat it.

This isn’t new. It hasn’t really just happened. But, it is worse now. I moved out a year ago. February 2020. I didn’t actively choose to move out, but I had no other choice if I wanted to be happy. I wouldn’t say I was attacked, but mark, the man who stole my belongings and has given nothing but abuse to me and my mother for nearly 9 years, put his hands on me. I don’t remember it much, adrenaline tends to wipe your memory, but I do remember my mother not trying to split us up, but pushing me off of him as if I was the assailant. As if, she was protecting him. My mum had been how she always was at around that time, mentally unstable. Like every year at christmas since 2011, she goes bipolar and hostile and abusive for around six months. I’d like to believe that’s why she did what she did; but I’m not all that sure anymore. Stephanie wasn’t there, but I phoned her crying and she panicked and called the police. They came, and my mum lied to them. I knew then things wouldn’t be the same, that it was different. I packed a lot of my belongings and left permenantly that night, Steph came and got me, we went to her sisters and that following Friday we arrived back there and packed up my room. My mum was hostile and abusive. Spent the entire time silently following us, not helping, not speaking directly to me and pretending I wasn’t there, and staring at us trying to intimidate us. It was so bad the taxi driver packed the boot quicker than usual because he sensed it. It was awful, I cried the entire way back. Stephanies mum took me in, gave me a set of keys and allowed me to live here.

I can’t remember what happened or how it did, but my mum and I gradually got back on track again, funnily enough round about spring time when she started getting better. I’d go up and visit her, but mark was still always there. I’d consciously decided that my mum would never be able to rid herself of him, she was too lonely and thought too poorly of herself. I knew that ultimatums weren’t going to work, the fact she’d still allowed him close to her and around her after what he did to me stung, and I spent a long time dealing with that turmoil. But I also learned that it wouldn’t ever be any different, and if I wanted to see my mum I’d have to just turn a blind eye to it. So I did. My mum was great, she wasn’t everything I wanted or needed her to be since I moved out; she never got me in anything I liked, food or juice or snacks, she couldn’t even cook me a dinner when I came up. I can count on one hand how many times she actually did. She could barely pry herself away from her soups when I was there, it hurt. But she’s my mum, right?

I started to let myself get sucked back in. I told myself if she did go unwell again at winter that it wouldn’t be half as bad because I didn’t live there. Time passed and it started to look as if she wasn’t even going to have an episode, then the day before my birthday she did. Things happened as you’d imagine; arguments, uncomfortableness and her erratic behaviour. What was new was the fact that I didn’t have anything to help me cope with it. Usually I’d just fall back on the fact I aggravated her. It wasn’t the best thing, but believing I was just rubbing her up the wrong way or annoying her too much made her abuse easier. Her shouting at me and treating me how she did was always horrific, but if I thought I was contributing I could at least use staying out of her way as something that could help me. I didn’t have any of that this time. I didn’t do anything. I witnessed her seek me out. She left me abusive voicemails and didn’t speak to me for five days because I didn’t have £10 to let her borrow for cigerettes. She borrowed £100 off of me and lost it the day she was paying me back, refused to give me the phone bill because she said she deposited it into my bank even though she doesn’t know my bank details, and has repeated it for the second month in a row. She also conjured up her own idea of depositing the money she owed me in my account and that I was to phone her that day and give her my bank details and talk her through it. The day came and instead she screamed at me and kept hanging up. I’ve blocked her number so voicemails will still come through, a few of her either manipulating me again because she needs something or telling me to stay away from her.

Getting a dog I’ve learned was the best and worst decision I made. The best because he lit up my entire life and the worst because my mum has managed to make him a liability due to ignoring the training, and allowed him to bark and disrupt the neighbours so much the landlord continuously badgers me about it. My mums been disruptive herself; causing noise and even taking a hammer to the floor to purposely wind them up. The landlord phoned me and said he was at wits end, and I begged and pleaded for him to give her another chance. I then diplomatically tried to talk my mum into being calmer, which she agreed to do. Turns out it didn’t work because today she phoned me and told me she has to leave, that she’s moving in with mark. She seemed to believe incorrectly that she had until March, but the landlord said she has until Friday. I had to go today with Steph and Hera and clear out my room. She’d let hugo pee all over my stuff, chew my shoes and DVD’s and a lot of things are missing. The disrespect is one thing, but her attitude is another. Even though our phone call was calm, normal and even pleasant, I even had a perfectly placid conversation when I first came into the house. But it changed. She stood staring at us, watched the dog hump Hera continuously and disrupt us, and when I asked her to help and reprimand him she started screaming at me. She then wouldn’t stop with the abuse, it got so bad Steph had to step in, and she still just tried to turn her against me. Calling me names and turning on the tears saying I beat her. I realise now why my aunt and uncle thought so little of me. But then again, she told me my uncle raped her so I’m sure it’s even on the scale of what she makes up about others.

My mum didn’t speak directly to me. She invited Hera in for water or tea or coffee, but not me. She stood in front of me and invited Steph out for a coffee soon, but said nothing to me. She spoke of me whilst I was there and hurled abuse at me, my own mother who’s suppose to be the one person on the earth to protect and look out for me, pretended not to even see me, didn’t care that my partner and friend were there to witness all the horrible things she said. Even though she knew today was going to be the last day she’d see me for a long time, and that she hadn’t seen me for five weeks, she didn’t even put her arms around me once. She barely even looked me in the eyes. She couldn’t even tell me she loved me, or ask anything about my life. I’ve been through a lot with my mum in the past 10 years, it’s been a rough road. But today, today I can honestly say felt the worst out of all of it. I still have feelings, things still sting, and despite how much I tell myself it won’t happen again, my heart still gets broken by her. It got broken when she packed her stuff in black bags and wouldn’t tell me if she was moving out, it got broken when she kept telling me she was moving to Ireland when I was only 17, it got broken all the times she said she was ashamed to call me her daughter, that I was just like my dad, that I was fat, when she called me spoiled and a bitch and whenever she sees fit to scream at me and ignore me for no reason. But today really did break my heart again, and I truly didn’t think it was possible. I phoned my mum not but 3 days ago, crying to her because I’d quit my job and I was scared. This was the first time I’d attempted to contact her since she screamed at me when I asked about her transferring the money into my bank and that had been 4 days before it. I told her why I phoned, and the reason I did is the reason why my hearts broken now, because I miss her and I need my mum. If I had a genie I’d wish for my regular mum so hard, just so I could hear her tell me everything was going to be okay. That I’m strong and clever, that I’ll make it, that she’s been there, and that I’m capable of doing good things. But today for no reason, instead, she told me never to contact her again. So I’ll never be able to ever feel okay phoning my mum again when I’ve had a hard day. I’ll never again get the luxury of phoning my mum when things are tough and hearing her tell me everything will be okay. It’ll never be the same again. She’s ruined it, and I don’t understand why.

My mum saw fit to go out of her way to not speak to me today, but felt it appropriate to leave me a voicemail asking me to get the landlord to contact her because she needs the number for a homeless shelter. Of course there’s a part of me that is worried she’ll need to be in one of those places, the thought alone breaks my heart, but not enough for me to offer this space. But I know she only left that voicemail to make me feel guilty and sorry for her. She didn’t need to say why she needed to speak to the landlord, but she did because she knew it would play on my heartstrings, she knew it could make me feel bad enough I’d give in and phone her back, but I won’t and I didn’t. I lived on egg shells before, but if I’ve learned anything in the past year it’s that there’s nothing I could ever do to avoid my mums wrath on me. I said nothing, did nothing and behaved like a reasonable adult and I am still her enemy now and the worst person to have ever lived. So why be scared to ignore her phone calls and voicemails? Because she’ll send more? She has already. Because she won’t talk to me? She already said she isn’t. Because she’ll disown me and try cut me out of her life? She is actively trying and telling me so. I did what I could to try and avoid the pain and it didn’t work. It’ll always be there. Not having enough money to lend her is grounds enough for abusive text messages and her screaming at me to “shove it up my arse.” So I might as well do what’s right for me now, I’ll get it horrific regardless.

The landlord then texted me, not but at half 6 in the morning, asking me what type of breed my dog is in case “anyone is looking for one” because my mums incapable of looking after him. I told him I’d take him ASAP, it’s just not possible right now. The panic that coursed through me, the stress that I feel, the pain in my stomach and all I want to do is phone my mum and tell her all my problems and have her cradle me. It’s my own fault. It is. I know my mum. I know her patterns, I can tell by one word that she’ll go unwell, I know her better than she does. So it is on me that I had a moment of weakness and put too much into it. It’s hard to believe that not yesterday but the day before my mum was on the phone telling me I was everything great in the world, that she’s so proud of me, that she couldn’t wait to see me and that we were gonna get high and have a laugh. And I cried and let myself feel the comfort from it, when I should have never of allowed it. My mums gone. She probably doesn’t even remember that conversation, and truth be told I don’t know if she’ll come back this time. I don’t know what will happen.

The thought of leaving my dog with them makes me sick. I don’t even know how I’ll get him back. I’ve not slept and it’s 8 am. My heads going 100 miles an hour and I can’t get it to slow down. So yeah, I’d take the pain I felt over reece over this any day.

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castironloyalty-archived · 6 years

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ღ *shoves it in your face while whispering* allllll oooffff ttthheemmm

@wearejustallrunaways got my subtle mental discord message

Under a read more because we’re ship whores and frankly my shame done ded.

Charlie / Meeka / Chase

Who’s the first to wake up in the morning: More often than not it’s Meeka because she’s up early for the bakery. If not Meeka then it’s Chase, who hates the early starts because his little red velvet cupcake has to be *abandoned*.

Who’s the one to make breakfast: Everyone does. There’s no rota, it’s normally whomever’s up first. Meeka likes to make it when she wants to eat with the boys. It will always be pancakes and it will always be from the magic book of wonder. Chase and Charlie normally make it for all of them, depending on who’s up and around. The most conversation they can muster in the morning is a good morning grunt because Charlie’s not a morning person and Chase has to conserve battery power for long ass shift.

Who’s the one to serve the other breakfast in bed: It really only happens when someone’s sick that they get breakfast in bed. Or when they’re still asleep when breakfast is ready.

Who would suggest a quickie in the morning before work: Charlie’s a nympho. It’s generally him because Meeka’s sleepy Irish accent is like a Thing for him. She’s just so cute when she moans and he’s in love with her. Who isn’t, tbh? Chase also picks up on this too, really it’s only when Charlie’s not home and when he has a day off, he just wants to spend time with Meeka and she’s just so pretty and he can’t believe she agreed to this threesome.

Who suggests they both ditch work to lay around all day: Charlie. Because he’s the only one without like steady employment - he picks up small jobs here and there. Plus it gives him and Meeka time to themselves. Meeka would totally do the same for Chase were his job less like life-saving. Like pin him to the bed and “beg” him to stay home. But he’s so like, smart and sexy in that doctor’s coat. She will live.

Who chooses the movies: Meeka normally because the boys somehow think she knows how to make non-important decisions. They also for some reason thinks she cares and that she’s going to stay awake. boys, pls.

Who initiates kissing during the moving, thus distracting the other from the movie all together: Charlie. Or Meeka actually. It depends. If Meeka’s bored she will, because her boys are far more entertaining. Charlie’s generally the instigator due to his ‘Daddy’ moniker.

Who orders lunch: They all take lunch to each other. It’s always visit Meeka or Chase at work with food day. We need to make sure the dumbass children eat so they can do good things.

Who steals food from the other’s plate without asking: Meeka does it with Chase’s curly fries all the time. And he doesn’t stop her. She’s too cute and frankly it’s rude.

Who curls up next to the other and falls asleep due to a full tummy: Meeka can and will fall asleep anywhere and everywhere. Catnaps all day everyday. On either boy’s chest is a preferred spot.

Who distracts the other from trying to work at home: Meeka can never do recipe testing at home because it’s so fucking cliche but the boys will just come and interrupt her because they want attention or like, they just want to be around Meeka. It’s not like existing in the same room either, there’s always got to be some form of physical contact.

Who asks to go get ice cream like a five year old: Meeka. Actual Child TM.

Who takes pictures of their partner eating ice cream: Chase, the innocent one of the group.

Who makes a sexual joke about the dripping ice cream on their partner’s face: Charlie would make it sexual and instantly regret it because Meeka’s a goddamn tease and she is just go hard or go home so he’s sitting there sexually frustrated and she’s fucking loving it.

Who cooks dinner: Chase & Charlie. Meeka can’t actually cook.

Who cleans up the kitchen afterwards: They all do, it’s like the last thing they do before going to bed.

Who stays up until 2 reading: No one. But I think Charlie would be more likely to if he figured it was going to be a rough night and he just wanted some peace first.

Who stares at their partner while their sleeping: Meeka’s the worst for it, like she just loves her boys so much and they look so cute while they’re sleeping so she has like a little album on her phone of pictures of the boys in various states of sleep and she will never delete them.

Who kisses their partner while they sleep: The boys are the worst, always waking Meeka up with kisses. How dare they be so cute?

Nikki & James

Who’s the first to wake up in the morning: James. Nikki’s really not a morning person. She’s just not. She’s grumpy. She loves her job but shit not the wake up call.

Who’s the one to make breakfast: James would be more likely to, but it’s really whoever gets out of bed first for whatever reason. Sometimes James will try and take over anyway because he wants to do everything to keep her.

Who’s the one to serve the other breakfast in bed: Something that only happens on the weekend and again it depends on who is serving breakfast and assuming the other hasn’t dragged themselves out of bed by the time breakfast is done.

Who would suggest a quickie in the morning before work: Nikki! While not a nympho, still generally has a high libido and always asks for sex before work, just to give her a boost. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. It has happened over breakfast.

Who suggests they both ditch work to lay around all day: Nikki would suggest procrastinating the marking of work and personal projects if James looks a little stressed out.

Who chooses the movies: It depends. They normally pick whatever looks good on Netflix and then never actually make it through a movie in one sitting because they’re both so tired and cuddling on the sofa with a blanket draped over them is good for the soul.

Who initiates kissing during the moving, thus distracting the other from the movie all together: If there’s kissing, it’s more like distracted affection, there’s nothing sexual about it. Like sometimes James will kiss Nikki’s shoulder or the top of her head and Nikki’ll kiss James’ forehead or hands, or his chest. And it’s sweet.

Who orders lunch: Nikki, she does the thing with the talking and the people and James reaps the rewards and gives her kisses.

Who steals food from the other’s plate without asking: James would only steal fries and he’d try to be cute about it but Nik always catches him and they always end up sharing the damn fry anyway.

Who curls up next to the other and falls asleep due to a full tummy: James. He eats too much and his tummy hurts so Nikki’s like put your head between my tits, they’re very comfy. James just sort of mumbles in agreement and falls asleep.

Who distracts the other from trying to work at home: Nikki. Always. In the beginning, she’s always trying to get his attention on her rather than his computer until she learns his hobby.

Who asks to go get ice cream like a five year old: James. At the carnival and he always gets some on his nose.

Who takes pictures of their partner eating ice cream: Nikki because she needs a new contact picture for James.

Who makes a sexual joke about the dripping ice cream on their partner’s face: Nikki wouldn’t embarrass James like that in public. But at home, oooh boy.

Who cooks dinner: Both of them, but James would take the lead. He likes to please Nik and he likes making stuff his mum used to make.

Who cleans up the kitchen afterwards: Nikki tries to do it on her own and James won’t let her. Because he wants to be around her and talk to her, and tell her she’s pretty and he loves her.

Who stays up until 2 reading: James would be most likely to, and it’s normally something about technology.

Who stares at their partner while their sleeping: James. Nik falls asleep so easily and James always takes a little bit of time while he gets used to Nikki sleeping in his bed and wearing one of his shirts.

Who kisses their partner while they sleep: Both. And really it’s like a constant thing because it’s a wake up call and an unspoken sweet dreams.

Nikki & Michael

Who’s the first to wake up in the morning: Michael. Nik always wants to lay in bed and cuddle. Pretend that they’re not on the run for 5 more minutes.

Who’s the one to make breakfast: They always go out for breakfast. And who pays depends on who chose the place. They like IHOP when they’re out in cities. Michael makes sure that Nikki eats enough and that she’s comfortable and safe.

Who’s the one to serve the other breakfast in bed: If it was a luxury they could afford, it’d definitely be Michael serving breakfast. Nikki’s his Queen, he’d do any and everything for her.

Who would suggest a quickie in the morning before work: They’ve both got such high libidos, really it’s a matter of who suggests it first. Nik’s always in control.

Who suggests they both ditch work to lay around all day: I think Nikki would be more likely to. When they’re in a new city and she just wants to lay low for a day, she’ll just pout and ask for KK donuts and bootleg of one of Michael’s old neighbour’s netflix account so they can watch things.

Who chooses the movies: whomever’s in control of the laptop. Normally it’s Michael who’s got one arm around Nikki, keeping her close. Not enough so she feels trapped but enough to satisfy their need for contact.

Who initiates kissing during the moving, thus distracting the other from the movie all together: Michael if he’s bored or horny. Or if Nikki’s been teasing him and he’s has Enough.

Who orders lunch: Michael orders all the lunch, he knows what Nikki wants at this point, knows she doesn’t really care. It’s something he has control over, can make sure that he gets only the best for his princess.

Who steals food from the other’s plate without asking: Nikki, she’ll go for little bits of his food and Michael just looks at her with love in his eyes and doesn’t fight it too much besides the soft threat of punishment if she keeps it up.

Who curls up next to the other and falls asleep due to a full tummy: neither but they both like snuggling up to each other after a satisfying kill.

Who distracts the other from trying to work at home: Michael! He’s always looking to remind Nikki who she belongs to and make her feel his touch for hours.

Who asks to go get ice cream like a five year old: I think it’d be Michael, because he’d want Nik to try it and get it on her nose.

Who takes pictures of their partner eating ice cream: Michael because he’s a softie and loves taking pictures of her. Memories of her, of them, of their love.

Who makes a sexual joke about the dripping ice cream on their partner’s face: Also Michael. He makes everything sexual. Nikki’s very capable of doing the same, but tends to make sexual comments that promise him something.

Who cooks dinner: Neither, they order in or out every time, It’s not healthy but every once in a while, they get Five Guys and there’s no reason for Nikki to be so happy about Cherry Dr Pepper but she is.

Who cleans up the kitchen afterwards: Team effort! They do mostly everything together.

Who stays up until 2 reading: Neither, Michael won’t fall asleep until Nikki does, until he knows she is safe and happy.

Who stares at their partner while their sleeping: Michael, because he’s so admiring of her, and how happy she is now. He loves her, would do anything for her and she loves him for it.

Who kisses their partner while they sleep: Both! It depends on who is awake and the reason for kissing them. but Nikki can be very affectionate in private. If she’s having a panic attack and Michael hasn’t woken up with her, then she’ll kiss him awake because it leaves him calm for what he’s about to deal with and it makes her feel a bit better.

Maly & Augustin ( Just let me pretend they can be domestic. okay? I will have just this one )

Who’s the first to wake up in the morning: Maly don’t sleep normally, though she can persuaded to cuddle up against Augustin.

Who’s the one to make breakfast: Augustin normally because he finds that taking care of Maly makes him feel a little bit good on the inside. Maly’s not going to argue. But sometimes she makes it for him to thank him for doing a lot for her.

Who’s the one to serve the other breakfast in bed: Maly! Because she would want to make Augustin feel special and they would both ignore the romantic tension.

Who would suggest a quickie in the morning before work:

Who suggests they both ditch work to lay around all day: Depends on what the work is, like if it’s not important, they’ll agree to just hang out together and chill out if they’re near enough.

Who chooses the movies: Netflix. Neither of them really keep up or pay much attention to movies so they go based of what’s suggested to them.

Who initiates kissing during the moving, thus distracting the other from the movie all together:

Who orders lunch: Augustin. He sort takes the lead on some things, he’s older than Maly and so generally feels responsible for her, puts himself in front of her.

Who steals food from the other’s plate without asking: Maly! She wouldn’t mean to or do it maliciously but like sometimes what Gus orders looks really good!

Who curls up next to the other and falls asleep due to a full tummy: Maly! Because she would be the one who is more emotionally vulnerable! Ow!

Who distracts the other from trying to work at home:

Who asks to go get ice cream like a five year old: Maly! The actual child!

Who takes pictures of their partner eating ice cream: Also Maly! Because Augustin, enjoying something? Needs to be commemorated. Gus would make her delete it if it did not make her so happy.

Who makes a sexual joke about the dripping ice cream on their partner’s face:

Who cooks dinner: I don’t think they would see it as like meals, they’d just snap up food when they felt like it. Though Maly would prefer doing it the human way.

Who cleans up the kitchen afterwards: Maly because actual cooking rather than snap-cooking.

Who stays up until 2 reading: Maybe both of them? LIke maybe Augustin would be actually staying up and Maly just like never clocks out and sometimes he worries but he would never say that.

Who stares at their partner while their sleeping: Augustin, but not to be creepy or anything. just to make sure she’s okay and not having a nightmare.

Who kisses their partner while they sleep:

#siemprellueve #;; open up the suggestion box ( answered asks )#;; bruised knuckles vs soothing touches vs skilled hands (charlie/meeka/chase)#;; blood diamonds ( nikki/michael )#;; acknowledge my love (nikki/james r.)

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