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madwomansapologist · 3 months

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my love mine all mine

Meet Kind!Druid!Tav | More Weirdos | AO3

synopsis: It doesn't matter what their first impressions of you were, they certainly did not expect you to be so important in their lifes. And as the days passes, each one of your companions need to understand a simple fact: they love you. They all love you.

warnings: a sequel to that (you don't need to read if you don't want to). song "my love mine all mine" by mitsky for gale. song "class of 2013" by mitsky for karlach. companions (gale, karlach) x druid!tav. background cast (mystra, halsin, lae'zel, shadowheart, selune, astarion, wyll). this game really is about faith and bodily autonomy. hurt/comfort. falling in love.

There is something endless about suffering. Once you felt hunger, nothing can complete that empty spot inside your soul. No amount of hope can ever make you forget about how painful it was to be helplessness. The sun is warm, but not enough to melt winter away from memory.

No brave adult can forget what felt to be a trembling child facing harshness all alone. It would be so much easier to forget how cruel the world was, but all you do is wonder to yourself: why didn't no one helped me? Why didn't no one saved me?

Even the word survivor feels wrong. It implies that something cruel happened in the wild, far away from home. A survivor has a tale to share with pride, scars to proof how strong you became. But sometimes suffering is just suffering, and the wild is your home.

It doesn't end. The suffering doesn't end, even after it does. It haunts you, laughs as you fumble, stains the good moments with sin.

But not with you.

For every time life was painful, you are caring. For everytime it burned and ached, you are gentle. There is something soft about you. No edges to get cut, no harm to be done. You care without shame, and your delicacy is welcome.

It's been long since someone cared for Gale Dekarios. Not for Gale of Waterdeep, the prodigy able to compose the Weave as he so desired, Mystra's lover and worshiper. But for Gale Dekarios, a man and nothing more than that, it's been so long.

Gale's value is his capability to bend the Weave. No one helped him for a reason other that. No one cared, or loved him for something that wasn't his talent or competence.

He was alone, except by Tara, and he got used to it. It's easy to get used to bad things when you think that you deserves them. It's no surprise that he so easily got used to being a dead man walking.

It was fine. Fine that his goddess wouldn't save him, that she would cast him away. Gale took it on himself, he knows that. Sometimes people don't get salvation. Sometimes they don't get a second chance. Sometimes things just end.

But you helped him. You held his hand and pulled him out of stone, unaware that you were actually pulling Gale towards you. You didn't asked for a payment or answers. You just held him.

And Gale held you back.

The world trembled. Poisoned mace. His defenses were already low when the goblin attacked. He knew his party won, but he can't remember how. His conscience was barely a whisper, as uneasy and skittish.

His feet were moving, he could feel it, but Gale wasn't controling them. Darkness devoured him, and the world was reduced to a cold freeze against his face.

"Karlach, you got the first watch," a distorted voice startled him. He wasn't alone. It took Gale a second to understand who was talking. "Halsin, Lae'zel broke her wrist. Shadowheart, follow me."

Gale is half asleep, half dead, but he could recognize that voice anyway. Always demanding, aware of what to do, being right. You. Sweet, caring, loving you.

"Alright, soldier!" Karlach dropped her dripping wet backpack near the fire. Something bumped on his shoulders, and a cry left Gale's lips. "And you get better, mage. I'm counting on you for that!"

Her hand. It was her hand that almost made him collapse. But Gale didn't. That was when he noticed his eyes were closed, and someone was holding him.

Your hands gripping his waist as you tried to walk, your warmth reaching him. He could see a drop of sweat making its way on your neck. Blood staining you silver armor. You smell like... you. He can't describe it in any other way.

"You'll be fine," you whispered. As if you knew his head was about to explode. "We'll take care of you. Close your eyes."

You asked. Gale obeyed.

When he woke up, a black sea stained his vision. He breathed in and out, and understood it was the night sky. Gale stared at the moon, shining down on him, and for a second he though it was staring back.

Gale tried to pray. Would Selune embrace him? If he kneeled and promised his loyalty, would she protect his soul? Gale tried to pray, but no words made to his mind.

When he opened his eyes, you were there. Kneeled beside his bed, so close he could hear you breathing, but looking away. Bright eyes, reflecting the moon, looking down at something. Furrowed brows, lips tense, your shoulder stiff as you moved.

Gale heard the water before he saw the cloth you dipped into it. You agile hands folded it carefully, and placed it on his belly. It was hot. Almost too hot, but you were quick. You pressed it against his skin, and went back to dip it. The white cloth was now stained red.

Oh. You were cleaning him. His eyes noticed the bucket filled with redish fabrics. Gale wondered if cleaning him felt like rubbing wine stains into rugs. If by trying to make it right, you only made it worse. He wouldn't care if you made him worse, not as long as you keep on touching him.

When he reached for your cheeks, Gale didn't even thought about it. He just wanted to touch you, to make sure that you were real.

It startled you, a little gasp escaping your throat. You looked at Gale, analyzing every inch of his face.

For a time, Gale could only look at his hand against your skin. His thumb stroking your cheek, so soft beneath his touch.

"Why are..." that voice wasn't his. It wasn't anything like his. For how long did he slept? "Why are you here?"

You looked at the hand you placed on his waist, and realized how it must be to wake up with someone else touching you. "I was just cleani..."

"That's not what I asked," the mage stopped you. You went back to look at him, and Gale felt your gaze softening his entire being. "Why are you here?"

"I worry about you," you admited. "Specially when you forget what shields are made for."

"Why are you like this?" Gale found himself trying to make whatever was on his mind understandable. That doesn't happen very often. For him to be unsure about his words. "Why do you keep on taking care of me? You don't owe me anything."

"Because you are... you," you went back to cleaning his skin. Gale didn't move his hand, and you didn't seen to mind. "Close your eyes, go back to sleep. You won't even notice I'm here."

With his hand on your cheek, eyes staring at the moon, Gale hoped Selune was staring back.

He don't know what will happen to him after his death. Mystra didn't forgave him, so Gale isn't counting on her protection when his soul is to be judged. But one thing Gale knows: the moon was here before him, and will remain after.

So he prayed. Silently, he begged Selune to protect you. He begged for her to shine on you, the only one who ever made him feel worth something. One day he must die, sooner than later apparently, so he hopes she'll protect you when he's gone.

"Impossible," Gale stroked your jaw. "Utterly impossible."

Every single one of your companions love how sincerely you care for them, but they all see how it can be a problem too. How many times have they told you to not be so welcoming? It makes you you, but it's also the reason why you bleed so often.

How many times have you tried to help someone just to discover they didn't deserve it? How many times will it happens until you finally understand your lesson?

Fainting after a encounter with a ruthless dwarf, Shadowheart thinks it's the best moment to ask you to tone it down, only to be reminded about how you still befriended Astarion even after his introduction. If Wyll explains there is no way you can win this fight, that it isn't even yours, you point at Halsin and he can do nothing but to shut up. And whenever Astarion is a pain in the ass, you explain that mercy and kindness are what brought Karlach to the party.

They are scared for you. No one knows how much pain your heart can take before if finally stops healing. You're kind, and they want you to stay that way, but not if it diminishes your soul. There must be a limit for your hope, and they aren't interest on finding it.

Worried about you hurting yourself, they didn't noticed how that hurted Karlach too.

Few can say they escaped from hell, and even fewer would be stupid enough to not enjoy a second chance. Karlach knows she sounds too distracted at the worst times, too excited when there's nothing to celebrate, but how couldn't she? She won't waste her chance.

If only she could be touched. If she could hug her friends, be near those she loves without hurting them, hold without bruising. If only she could touch you without boiling your precious skin.

Don't matter how affectionate you are, there are thing you just can't do. You showed her only your best sides, so welcoming and caring. After a fight, you rush to check on her. Late at night, you tell stories about your life. When it's peaceful, you show her different ways to tie a know. But you can't touch her.

Karlach thinks you look warm. Not cold. Nothing like distance or indifference. And not hot. Nothing like the infernal machinery inside her chest. You seem peaceful. Calm, in a way that she might never fully comprehend.

You hold Lae'zel's hands to stop her from offending someone. And don't flinch when Astarion pulls you by your waist. It's been some weeks since started to teach Shadowheart how to swim. And Wyll tried to help you with your dance moves. Halsin's hand seem to be glued to your shoulder.

She envies them. Karlach envies everyone that you touch. She just feels so lonely, and she'd already spent too much time pretending not to be. Avernus is behind her, and the person she was there won't ever see daylight again. Karlach is free, and she'll be always true to herself.

Poking the flaming wood with a sticky, trying to make it spread to the others, she was to focused to noticed when you sat beside her by the log. Her mind was somewhere far, far away.

After a few moments, Karlach saw you. She kept herself quiet, just enjoying your presence. As if her silence would make you not want to leave. As if her silence would be enough so she could lay her head at your lap, feel your fingertips undoing the knots on her hair, without burning you in and out.

As she stared at the soon-to-be bonfire, you glared at the sky. You searched on your pockets, looking for a coin, but all you found was a forgotten jasper. It'll do the trick. "Jasper for your thoughts, Mama K?"

Karlach looked at you. "What, soldier?"

"You're quiet today," you said. "Too quiet. Let me help you. If you want to talk, I want to hear. If you want to kick some butts, my boots are ready. So, jasper for your thoughts?"

She opened her hands, and you dropped the crystal on it. Karlach played with it for a second, amused by your words. "I'm tired," she said. "Of not touching. Or being touched. I know I'm not alone but... sometimes I can't help but to feel like that. Even Mama K has her moments."

She has so much love to give. Just like you. If only she could give it as freely as you do. Karlach respects you for it. For trying to be better, don't matter how much it hurts you. Scars are signs of bravery, just as pieces of broken hearts.

You think it's worth the cost, and so does Karlach.

"One day," you breathed in. Looking at the fire, you saw why Karlach was so interest on it. Don't matter how much you learn, it still looks magic. "I will braid your hair. Massage your shoulders. Wash your back. Teach you archery, my chest against you back and my hand holding yours. Take the eyelash that fell on your cheeks. Straighten your necklace. I will let lips do what hands do."

You turned to her, with a beaming smile on your face and wet eyes. "But for now, can you wait? Can you dream for a few months more, until we find a solution? Because I swear, Karlach, I will find one. Don't matter if I'll need to walk throught the Nine Hells. I will find a cure for you."

"Damn, soldier," Karlach hissed. Maybe it was the light, but her eyes were redish. You did the noble thing and pretend to not have seen the tears. "You really are the sweetest hero around."

"So don't think you're alone anymore!" You suppressed the urge to punch her arm. Scratch brought you a red ball, and you caressed him. "I'm here. We all are."

And that's one thing they all will be forced to understand: they are not alone. Not anymore.

Part 3!

if you enjoyed, please reblog! i promise it makes a difference ♡

@ madwomansapologist.tumblr.

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naavispider · 1 year

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I was listening to washing machine heart by mitski and the lyrics "why not me" and "I know who you pretend I am" made me think of how Quaritch has this feeling spider doesn't see him as his father and uses Jake as a replacement for that empty spot breaking Quaritchs heart and wanting to redeem that spot himself would it be alright if you could write something with this concept? If not that's alright! Love your writing ❤️

"Don't worry boss, we'll catch the son of a bitch."

Quaritch glanced warily at Wainfleet. He'd been fretting for the past half an hour, staring intensely into the campfire and keeping himself to himself while the rest of the recom squad were enjoying downtime after yet another day's fruitless searching.

Lyle was the one person who could read him like a book. They'd known each other for too long - it was one of the reasons he'd made him second in command.

Quaritch sighed deeply. He was very aware of Spider sat not too far away, probably listening.

"I know," he replied.

Sure enough, a snort materialised from the boy across the fire.

Lyle raised an eyebrow at Quaritch, who nodded, a silent affirmation for Lyle to leave them to it.

Quaritch grit his teeth. "Something to say, Spider?"

Spider looked at him above the crackling flames, staring intently with unspoken emotion. It took him a moment to respond. "What did he do that was so terrible?"

Quaritch didn't want to go there tonight, but he'd been the one to open the door. "That's a long and complicated story kid."

Spider looked off to the side, so that only half his face was illuminated by the firelight's glow. "Doesn't seem that complicated from over here."

"Ever considered you don't know the full story? Ever thought you only know what Sully wanted you to know?"

This seemed to catch Spider off guard, though he masked it well with a disdained huff. "Yeah, right."

Quaritch considered his next words carefully. "Why do you worship the ground he walks on?"

Spider turned his full attention back to Quaritch, fire reflecting in his brown eyes. The shriek of a distant ikran and the squad's mundane chatter filled the camp.

"I do not worship him," Spider mumbled.

A sick smile pulled at Quaritch's mouth. The kid was self conscious. "Please."

Spider frowned, his resolve hardening. He made a noise of protest, shaking his head. "Jake's... an amazing war leader. He's Toruk Makto."

"Hmm," Quaritch murmured slowly, nodding his head as he rolled his eyes to the sky.

"He is! He's a fair leader... he's a mighty warrior... he can do anything, pass any trial..."

"Alright, kid." Frustration was starting to grow in Quaritch. Spider clearly believed Sully to be some reincarnation of Jesus or something.

"Screw you," Spider spat, turning away.

The disrespect triggered Quaritch in a way he wasn't expecting. "Excuse me?"

Maybe Spider sensed he'd crossed a line, because his shoulders tensed and he didn't return Quaritch's glare. "You heard me..." he mumbled.

"Yeah I heard you alright, that's the damn problem!" Quaritch raised his voice, but was careful to keep it low enough so as not to attract the attention of the whole camp. "You think Jake Sully is some kind of hero? You think he's a saint? Well guess what kid, that boy ain't everything you make him out to be. He betrayed his own people. He turned against his own... was responsible for hundreds of deaths. Good men and women."

Spider was silent, hunched over. Quaritch wondered how far he could push him. He didn't want to upset Spider, but the kid had to know. "Your mom included."

Spider gasped, turning back to face him. Seconds passed, and Quaritch remained quiet, waiting for Spider to speak.

The kid shook his head. "She..."

"What?" Quaritch prompted bluntly.

Spider's mouth curled up in a snarl, realising he was lost for words. "Fuck you."

With that, the kid got up and stalked away to a nearby tree root, ending the conversation.

Quaritch returned his gaze to the flames. He knew he shouldn't have antagonised Spider. It wasn't fair.

But hearing him talk about Sully like that... it bothered the recom endlessly. Spider didn't deserve to have Jake Sully in his life at all. If it wasn't for him, Spider would still have both of his parents. Humanity would have a viable base on Pandora that was capable of supporting far more humans than its current capacity.

It was rubbing salt in the wound that Sully had been the one to help raise Spider. And by the sounds of it, he couldn't even do that right.

Pity clouded Quaritch's heart as he thought of Spider longing for a father figure, and the best he got was Jake Sully. Kid was too brainwashed to see how fucked up that was.

He sighed into the flames, watching them dance and crackle and spit. He shouldn't take his frustration out on Spider. Tomorrow, he was going to rebuild the bridge he'd just successfully pulled down. The kid deserved an actual dad, one that was gonna fight for him and put him first, and if Spider still hung on to Jake Sully for that, then it was Quaritch's job to make sure that got fixed - the sooner the better.

#recom quaritch #miles quaritch #miles spider socorro #avatar fanfic #avatar the way of water #my stuff #one shot #atwow #avatar 2 #colonel quaritch #spider socorro #lyle wainfleet

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whinlatter · 4 months

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i MUST hear your thoughts on "im your man" by mitski and how it's the ginny/harry/sirius trio anthem in "beasts"...must hear

what have you done asking me about this...... a great and terrible mistake........ the air is thick with sirens...........

basically i'm your man is an absolutely perfect song about feeling unworthy and undeserving of the love someone gives you, and a feeling of great dread that one day the other person will realise it and leave. it is - for this reason - so eye-wateringly ginny-sirius-harry coded i simply cannot bear it. that whole album (the land is inhospitable and so are we) is heaven and there are so many songs on it that have been absolutely dynamite for getting the juices flowing with this fic (the frost and star are my hinny anthems for chapter 12 👀)

so i am taking a short dissertation writing break to offer an entirely unhinged rant about i'm your man complete with some mild beasts spoilers because apparently i care a lot about this inexplicably. thank you so much for humouring me!

you're an angel, i'm a dog or you're a dog and i'm your man you believe me like a god i'll destroy you like i am

the first verse plays with the idea that there are three tiers of being - dog, man, angel/god - that all exist in relation to each other. the narrator sings the song to put themselves down. you're an angel, i'm a dog - meaning, i'm lowly nothing compared to your pure divine greatness. in the next line, a twist and advance on that idea: you're a dog (faithful, honest, loyal, loving easily and with such trust) and i'm your man (the one who is responsible for you, who you look to protect and sustain you, who is unworthy of that kind of adoration). you believe me like a god - you trust and believe in my power and ability to take care of you and guide you. but then: i'll destroy you like i am - the only real godlike power the narrator identifies with is the capacity for destruction and ruin.

ok partly it's... you know....... the dog thing because i am very on-the-nose. (obviously sirius as padfoot, but also the distinctions in the wizarding world between beings as the moral civilised entities vs the beasts, the wild and lawless and violent magical creatures). but it's also this suggestion of hero worship and adoration from one character to another, and the object of that kind of love struggling to feel worthy of it and fearing the power it has given them over the other person. it's such a huge vibe for how i'm thinking about these characters !! i feel like it works both for harry and sirius' relationship as well as harry and ginny's: the love and reverence harry has for sirius, when sirius is filled with so much self-loathing and guilt and awareness of his own failings as a parent figure, and the way harry comes to love ginny and think of her as this pure singular light and symbol of all his hopes for a bright and good future, which (i think!) would be a lot for ginny to take on and live up to and feel deserving of. there's even shades of it in how i imagine ginny feels about sirius in the flashbacks - little ginny looking up to sirius like he's a god, hanging off his every word, sirius backing away from being responsible for this child's admiration and desire for guidance from him.

i'm sorry i'm the one you love no one will ever love me like you again so when you leave me, i should die i deserve it, don't i

i mean this is a pure sirius verse imo also with such harry shades to it ('i deserve it don't i' pure ootp harry angst). but i see some of ginny in this too ('i'm sorry i'm the one you love' - her wish that she could just be such cool and chill and easy and trying to live up to this idea harry sometimes as of her as so strong and stoic and able to deal with things, and then her feelings when all that comes crumbling down....)

i can feel it getting near like flashlights coming down the way one day you'll figure me out i'll meet judgment by the hounds

the feeling of being hunted! sirius and harry as wanted men! ginny getting found out and caught in her secrets and half-lies! 'i'll meet judgement by the hounds' god. god

people always gave me love others were never to blame after all you believe me like a god i'll betray you like a man

i think of this verse as the sirius and ginny verse. here the narrator locates the source of their unworthiness internally, not in being deprived of love by others, but in something fundamentally broken and tainted inside them. sirius as a character can't blame a total absence of love for what he's become - he was loved, he blames no-one but himself for the loathing he feels for himself. ginny, too, could not have been more loved, both before the TMR ordeal, but also thereafter - she comes from a family that adores her, she is widely liked and admired; but still, there's something missing in her sense of self. i do not wish to spoil future chapters but yeah this is bit is a Big Mood as we come closer to understanding ginny's war and what it asked of her

in chapters 10 and 11 of beasts, i started to play with this idea of the traitor, of a person who has made a great and terrible choice to betray the people close to them and in doing so revealed a true self that was there all along but lay dormant. so far in the fic, i've tried to thread in a lil drip-drip-drip of questions about the self, who a person really ever is, and about the choices characters make because of their sense of who they are, especially moral choices, in a war and under a regime that must, ethically, be resisted.

of sirius, harry, and ginny, so far it's sirius who knows most about what it is to be a traitor: someone who spent the bulk of his life assumed to be a turncoat, who is consumed by his hatred of wormtail and the memory of his treachery, who can't even begin to grasp the layers and dimensions to his own brother's betrayal, and who fundamentally still thinks of himself as a traitor to his best mate, believing himself to having 'as good as' killed lily and james. harry is the one who's full of trust, throughout the war:

'“No,” Harry said out loud, and they all looked at him, surprised. The firewhisky seemed to have amplified his voice. “I mean . . . if somebody made a mistake,” Harry went on, “and let something slip, I know they didn’t mean to do it. It’s not their fault,” he repeated, again a little louder than he would usually have spoken. “We’ve got to trust each other. I trust all of you, I don’t think anyone in this room would ever sell me to Voldemort."'

“No, I think you’re like James,” said Lupin, “who would have regarded it as the height of dishonour to mistrust his friends.” Harry knew what Lupin was getting at: that his father had been betrayed by his friend, Peter Pettigrew. He felt irrationally angry. He wanted to argue, but Lupin had turned away from him...'

ginny, of course, knows what it is to be betrayed - by her first real friend, by her own brother. but i just think these two final lines, the twist on the first verse, are such a huge huge mood for drawing some of these ideas to the surface as the plot inches (v slowly lol) forwards - the idea of a character who has had every faith put in them by someone who loves and believes in them, who fears that they wll buckle under the weight of it and betray that love and trust in terrible ways. to betray you like a man - for the great moral sin to be something inherent to no other creature or being but man - is just such a powerful cool as shit line that is really gettin me going for writing the next bit of this fic.

wow i didn't even know how much i cared about this song but turns out it's a lot???? troubling for me!

#beasts #sirius black #hinny #mitski the woman that you are #that whole album is fire #i got told off for insisting i don't like my mind was a christmas song and sticking it on on christmas day #like sorry it's MY song of worship?#beasts spoilers

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rthko · 1 year

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So, you said Lady Gaga was maybe the last diva ... but what about Billie Eilish, Carly Rae, Lana del Rey, Florence and the Machine, Marina, and Mitski? I know I listed a bunch of artists, but I specifically choose these ones for their large queer/gay fanbases and (w/ the exception of Eilish) their lack of mainstream popularity. (I feel like Carly isnt mainstream anymore .... maybe Im wrong, though.)

There's no real formula, but here are qualities associate with diva worship as far as I see it:

-Larger than life. This might be the biggest one. Do they stand out? Are they bold? Funny? Glamorous? Would a drag queen want to impersonate them?

-Theatrical/proximity to theater. Everyone hates theater kids these days but you can't deny that traditionally this was a big deal. Not everything has to be a club banger. Ballads can be gay.

-Sexy/horny. This one is controversial, so I want to say that none of these points are "required" and certainly not this one. No one is questioning Liza Minnelli's gay icon status because she doesn't sex it up. But it's also no secret that gay men like horny women. When the Cock Destroyers duo didn't reach their possible target audience of straight men, gay men had their back. Kind of.

-Strength. If gay boys aren't crying to her that her strength inspired him to move out of Ohio, she's not a gay icon.

-Niche. A gay icon can be popular, sure, but not a crowd pleaser to just any crowd. I had a swiftie yell at me, "at least Taylor makes music for everyone and not just gays like your [presumed] fav Lady Gaga!" This irked me but I didn't take offense to it. Universality is impossible. The closest any artists came to universality is the abstract expressionists, and the average person thinks they're full of shit. But if you know your audience and intimately connect with them, that's better than any broad brush.

-Support for gay rights. This one is kind of obsolete. It's not a big deal anymore for a singer to come out in support of gay rights (the closest recent examples I can think of are The Chicks, which stood out more because they were standing against the country music establishment, and Carly Rae Jepsen cancelling that Boy Scouts concert). But if a singer was pro gay before it was cool, that stands out.

The glaring blind spot in my analysis is, hello, gay women? Lesbian/bi women music really is a blind spot for me, in part because they don't quite do the same "diva worship" treatment. But from the queer women I know, they're more loyal about listening to actual queer artists (most gay icons are straight, after all), more acoustic, more cathartic, less tethered to dance and bar culture. The main overlaps I see here are niche-ness and camp.

A lot of the singers you listed cultivate some sort of character. That's campy. Marina did this very explicitly with Elektra Heart, Lana with her whole "blue jeans fat cock" Americana thing, Florence with her acoustic witch thing. Mitski to me marks a transition where lesbian fan culture is getting more visibility in the public eye. Genuinely love that for my lesbians. But despite it all I really don't know if any are "divas" in the old guard sense. Gay is more mainstream now, the internet changed the face of diva worship (now called stan culture I suppose), and a lot of new music strives too hard for "relatability." Any true icon would feel dizzyingly out of place on TikTok. So, I'll leave that to other gays to figure out.

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hueningoo-archive · 1 year

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ok so this is my first time doing match up i kinda know who im gonna get but i wanted to try anyways (in my delulu era btw)

so im 21, entp, leo sun libra moon cancer rising, virgo mercury, cancer venus, sagittarius mars, 160 cm, i am afab and i am mostly comfortable with the gender i was assigned at birth but is this really important idk

lmy hobbies include talking and with talking i mean lots of talking(i was in the debate team in high-school), walking, biking, binge watching, cooking and baking, and of course listening music. i usually listen emotional songs or songs to go crazy no in between. for example i listen mitski at least an hour a day but i also listen the most energetic stuff out there like crayon pop bar bar bar. i really love languages and linguistics. i love dc comics, my favorite character is zatanna. i love playing videogames and especially if it is with my friends. zatanna is my favorite thing in the world btw but i can talk about batman and batfamily nonstop.

i usually get along with everyone but i am kinda paranoid believing that they don't actually like me. like they usually say that i am kind, friendly and cool but it doesn't convince me. i have a cat named robin bc i am the batman duh... i love her she is my rock. i study english language teaching. some say im manipulative but i honestly have no idea what im doing to manipulate them? i have a pretty dark sense of humor but it is not offensive at the slightest. i bully ppl i love but i also worship them again no in-between. i am respectful and helpful but if it is my family i am the opposite bc of the trauma lol.

and the things i dislike include harry potter(im the biggest hater ngl), iron man, scarlet witch, the music eva max is doing(but in the most respectful way), harry styles(not in a respectful way i despise this man), people who say superman is boring, selfishness, not putting an effort to understand other people's feelings, most men, people constantly criticizing me, myself, people who say astrology is stupid

what my potential partner can do to make me happy: they can draw zatanna for me im a simple person i love zatanna and everything they do that is slightly related to zatanna would automatically make me happy, cuddling sessions, trolling people on the internet together, them being patient with me, them liking my cooking/baking, having inside jokes together, them getting my sense of humour, them being my safe space, them being happy, them listening/reading/watching the list i made for them and linking it, them doing the same to me, them telling me their struggles and thinking that i understand them, them not getting mad at me

i match you with... beomgyu!

we all know, gyu may be quiet at first or when hes alone- but when hes around people hes the complete opposite! keeping that in mind, long conversations of god knows what are bound to happen. he'll listen to everything you have to say even if its a lot. he does value his quiet times with you though. beomgyu also listens to emotional music so expect a lot of listening to that with him. he probably also has a playlist dedicated to u lol

i think that even if beomgyu mayyy not be the best artist (ive never seen his art so idk if hes that good or not BUT STILL) he'll draw whatever as long as it makes u happy hehe. also, gyu is all for cuddling! cuddling while trolling people on the internet..?? hes all for it!!! he will literally at anything u baked/cooked, if u made it, he KNOWS it tastes good!

#hueningoo matchup event #delulu era is literally so true me too fr #beomgyu #beomgyu x reader #beomgyu fluff #tomorrow x together #txt x reader

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beneathashadytree · 3 years

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ME AND MY HUSBAND - EREN YEAGER X READER

Warnings : modern AU, Eren is an asshole in this, toxic relationship, emotional manipulation, blackmail and threatening, implied codependency, breath play, abandonment and neglect, mentions of death, there's a part with no prep, very vulgar and lots of cursewords, humiliation, degradation, cheating, rough sex, marking, possessive!Eren, religious allusions, deepthroating, unprotected sex, Eren cums inside, choking, making out, manhandling, biting, drooling, spitting in mouth, cum swallowing, hair pulling, it's implied that Eren has a bit of a god complex, ruined orgasm, both Eren and the reader are very loud, no aftercare, dom!Eren, sub!reader, reader is female!

Genre : angst and smut

Word count : 1.1K words

Synopsis : Even after discovering his infidelity, she's still so in love with Eren Yeager, and believes that he loves her just the same. They're doing better, aren't they?

Additional notes : This is based on the lyrics of Me and My Husband by Mitski, a personal favorite song of mine. This is a sequel to this piece I wrote last night.

Requests : Are open! Check the rules over here.

Want to support me financially? Here’s my CashApp!

Masterlist

Gasping for breath, the imprints of his fingers still bright red against her throat and his lingering taste on her tongue, she leaned back against the wall of the entryway he'd just deserted her in. She tried to register the fact that he'd left yet again, but her brain was still a fuzzy mess after he'd forcefully made out with her while his hands curled around her neck.

Don't get her wrong; she was delighted to be of any use and service to Eren, and sometimes the fact that her airways were constricted by him felt rather thrilling and had her quivering in her pants, but sometimes it really did feel as though he was being merciful with her by letting her live. She wholeheartedly believes that he does that because he loves her and needs her around---though, with a twitch of her eyebrows, sometimes she admits that she fears he wouldn't be so kind to her one day and would leave her rotting behind.

A prayer was sent. To him? To a God? She didn't really feel like specifying. What difference did it make when she viewed him just as highly and worshipped his very being? To whomever it was that was hearing her lovesick words, she wished that she'd make it out alive every single time.

After all, she couldn't dare let those precious memories die with her; memories of him shoving her face-first into the mattress so he could slip inside her so easily and threatening her he has to hear her or else he won't let her walk for days, memories of him lounging lazily on the couch with a can of beer in hand while paying her no attention, memories of him filling up her mouth with cum and reminding her that she has to swallow or he'll never kiss his cock tease's pretty little mouth again. She regarded them as unspoken 'I love you's, and she'll be damned if she let her body wither when it held so much of his affection. Surely he'll let her live.

And anyways, she'd long forgotten the fact that he'd gotten caught with his fingers pulling orgasm after orgasm from some unknown woman on his couch. What was it to her? He wanted her around, and so he kept her around. It was just one small bump in their loving relationship; after all, didn't he fuck her nice and deep the next day? That was more than enough of an apology for her. In fact, she was sure, with the way he pounded into her mercilessly almost every day now, that they were doing much better than they ever had. Perhaps his sexual expedition was done all for her, because he certainly had her putty in his hands (moreso than ever) after it had happened.

So she'd take his cock like the good girl she was, because he was her everything. He was her raison d'être, and she only had him in her life (he had, of course, told her at the start of their whirlwind romance that she'd have to cut off all ties with everyone she knew if she wanted him to hook her legs on his shoulders and bury himself inside her whenever she wanted). He did it because he loved her, so how could she refuse him his demands?

Even when he was reduced to a snarling mess when he held her at night, all furrowed eyebrows and glowering green eyes and gritted teeth, she bet on everything that that was because he was so enamored by her, just as she was by him. Maybe, internally, he was always worshipping the ground she stood on like she did for him. Whether he was doing that or he wasn't, she knew for a fact that they were sticking together forever, like unspoken vows that bound them into a marriage.

Whenever he'd attack her neck with rough kisses, sucking and licking and biting with abandon, he marked her as his property and his alone. He'd tell her, over and over again with that infuriating smirk of his, that no man would ever dare to lay a hand on her when she looked like that. But at his words, warmth would pool into her stomach; of course he did it because he worried about her! He was so protective of her; how sweet of him! With a giggle mixed in between her delighted moans as he ravished her like that, she'd pull him in closer by his soft hair, as if whispering her adoration.

When he'd be done with her, she'd obey his orders and sit tight with his cum dripping down her thighs. No foundation layered to cover his markings up, and no cleaning up the slick from her body---yes; he wanted her to walk right out his door with wobbly knees in that short sundress so she could showcase everything, and he'd coo in her ear that she better show off his love or else he'd stop giving it to her. Did that really leave her much of a choice? She'd leave his house with a sopping cunt and a blooming purple neck, all in the name of love. After all, no one else would give her the time of day; he was gracing her with his presence, so she must thank him for that.

His infidelity pushed to the furthest corner of her brain until she could remember it no longer, she weaved through her days with shaky legs and a loving heart. When he thrust into her tightening throat with no warning, and she gagged around him, he wouldn't even bother to wipe at her drooling mouth, because she 'hadn't earned it yet', so with teary but eager eyes, she'd take him like her entire body was moulded to fit him. Better that than to have him run into the arms of another woman.

After all, they were certainly meant to be. Even when his harsh tugs at her hair reminded her that she was nothing but a filthy slut he'd cum inside until she's shaking like a leaf in his arms, she believed that he secretly adored her. Even when he spat in her gaping mouth, gripping her jaw tightly and telling her to swallow or else he'd up and leave her without even climaxing, she felt that that was his way of telling her that she was his darling and he'd always stick by her side.

Because in the end, they'll always have each other, won't they? He loves her, so he'll never fuck another cunt like he does hers, will he?

Taglist: @mrsgiovanna @thispersoniscrazy @blondeboyfriend @cloroxisadelectabletreat

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hualianisms · 4 years

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YOUR MOST DEVOTED BELIEVER: a hualian playlist

(books 2, 4, the 800 year separation) (books 1, 3, 5 here)

listen here

track annotations under the cut:

someone to stay - vancouver sleep clinic

You were alone, left out in the cold/Clinging to the ruin of your broken home/Too lost and hurting to carry your load/We all need someone to hold [...] Hear you, falling and lonely, cry out: / Will you fix me up? Will you show me hope?

an act of kindness - bastille

An act of kindness/Is what you show to me [...] It holds me 'till I ache/Overflow and start to break [...] But you warm me to my core and you left me wanting more

carry you - ruelle & fleurie

I know it hurts/It's hard to breathe sometimes/These nights are long/You've lost the will to fight/Is anybody out there?/Can you lead me to the light/Is anybody out there?/Tell me it'll all be alright/You are not alone/I've been here the whole time singing you a song/I will carry you, I will carry you

saturn - sleeping at last

With shortness of breath, you explained the infinite/How rare and beautiful it is, to even exist/I couldn't help but ask/For you to say it all again/I tried to write it down/But I could never find a pen

die young - sylvan esso

I had it all planned out before you met me/Was gonna leave early and so swiftly/People would weep, "How tragic, so early"/I was gonna die young/Now I gotta wait for you, honey/I was a firecracker, baby, with somethin' to prove/Now I gotta contend with the living blues

strawberry blond - mitski

All I need, darling/Is a life in your shape/I picture it, soft/And I ache

花雨落 - xun (translation)

Flowers fall into the city as you look back/Horse's hoofs are far away from your gentleness/Who is still outside the building/Empty rain

do it for her - steven universe

You do it for him/And you would do it again [...] What they don't know/Is your real advantage/When you live for someone/You're prepared to die [...] Deep down I know/That I'm just a human/But I know that I can draw my sword and fight/With my short existence/I can make a difference/I can be there for him/I can be his knight/I can do it for him)

small hands - radical face

If you need come build your home in me/And you know I won't complain/And I can't fix what was done to you/But I'll shield you from the rain/And if the walls they build become too high/Then step up on my back and climb [...] And though my hands are much too small to hold you up/I will be there to pick up the pieces

angels - the xx

If someone believed me/They would be/As in love with you as I am [..] And with words unspoken/A silent devotion

the last of the real ones - fall out boy

I was just an only child of the universe/And then I found you/You are the sun and I am just the planets/Spinning around you [...] I know this whole damn city thinks it needs you/But not as much as I do [...] I will shield you from the waves/If they find you/I will protect you

alive - gabrielle aplin

When your kingdom falls/And your family fades/But it wasn't your fault/It was never your fault [...] All your worries will escape through the door/And you'll wake up all alone on the floor/It's not too late/Just rely on me now

everything i wanted - billie eilish

As long as I'm here/No one can hurt you/Don't wanna lie here/But you can learn to/If I could change/The way that you see yourself/You wouldn't wonder why you hear/"They don't deserve you"

take me to church - hozier

The only heaven I'll be sent to/Is when I'm alone with you [...] Take me to church/I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies/I'll tell you my sins so you can sharpen your knife/Offer me that deathless death/Good God, let me give you my life

sunlight - hozier

A soul that’s born in cold and rain/Knows sunlight, sunlight, sunlight/And at last can grant a name/To a buried and a burning flame/As love and its decisive pain [...] Know that I would gladly be/The Icarus to your certainty/Oh, my sunlight, sunlight, sunlight/Strap the wing to me/Death trap clad happily/With wax melted, I’d meet the sea

light - sleeping at last

With every heartbeat I have left/I will defend your every breath/And I'll do better/Сause you are loved/You are loved more than you know/I hereby pledge all of my days/To prove it so

box of stones - benjamin francis leftwich

I am young, and I am yours/I am free, but I am flawed/I am here and your heart/I was here from the start

you’re the only good thing in my life - cigarettes after sex

Everything is wrong, but it's alright /You're the only good thing in my life

dirge - perfume genius ((ch 190))

Boys that held him dear,/Do your weeping now,/All you loved of him lies here,/Do your weeping now.

shrike - hozier

I couldn't utter my love when it counted/Ah, but I'm singing like a bird 'bout it now/And I couldn't whisper when you needed it shouted/Ah, but I'm singing like a bird 'bout it now [...] Remember me love when I'm reborn/As the shrike to your sharp/And glorious thorn

NFWMB - hozier ((wu ming))

If I was born as a blackthorn tree/I'd wanna be felled by you/Held by you/Fuel the pyre of your enemies/Ain't it warming you, the world gone up in flames?/Ain't it the life you, your lighting of the blaze?/Ain't it a waste they'd watch the throwing of the shade?/Ain't you my baby, ain't you my babe?

gone, gone, gone - phillip phillips

And I would do it for you, for you/Baby I'm not moving on/I’ll love you long after you're gone

(during the 800 year separation)

south london forever - florence + the machine

And everything I ever did/Was just another way to scream your name/Over and over and over and over again/Over and over and over and over again

hanahaki (bloom) by molly ofgeography

A braid of love and longing in the taste of rose and pine / A fatal growth belonging to the want you couldn't hide / Bloom / I don't believe in much but I believe in you

staring at the sun - MIKA

Here I stand, staring at the sun/Distant land, staring at the sun/You're not there, but we share the same one/Miles apart, staring at the sun/Distant town, staring at the sun/One thing's true just like you/There's only one

always - francois klark

Cause you are/Always in my mind/Always in my heart/Always the one that waits for me in my dreams/You are always the one I long for/Always the one I feel by my side even though you’re gone/Cause you are my always

finding you - kesha

after this life, I'll find you in the next/So when I say "forever, " it's the goddamn truth/I'll keep finding, finding you/I'm gonna search for your love/Right through Hell and Heaven/Millions of years yet to come/And in all dimensions

遇见 - stefanie sun (translation)

There is a person waiting in the future./To the left, to the right, to the front I look./How many corners must love turns before it arrives?/Who will I meet, what are we going to say?/The person I’m waiting for, how far away is he in the future?

#hualian songs #otp: my dream is only you #mine: tgcf

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ittibittititti · 8 months

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Random Excerpts :

“The best thing I ever did in my life was to love people,” Mitski says. “I wish I could leave behind all the love I have, after I die, so that I can shine all this goodness, all this good love that I’ve created onto other people.”

feels like the album is an exercise in negative capability – a fearless embodiment and absorption of the pain of other bodies.

When I ask her what the album would look like, if it were a person, she says it would be someone middle-aged and exhausted, perhaps someone having a midlife crisis. But through the daily indignity and exhaustion, something enormous and ecstatic is calling out

The toggling between hope and despair

reinforces the album’s tug-of-war between the intoxication of love and the pain of isolation.

"I’ve always been the person on the outside watching. And I’ve also done that with myself… outside of myself, witnessing myself, watching myself." She thinks that she might have adopted this habit as a condition of being a woman of color, and that it’s led to the occasional post-apocalyptic fantasy of being the only person left in the world

“I don’t have a self,” Mitski observes. “I have a million selves, and they’re all me, and I inhabit them, and they all live inside me.”

MITSKI - THE LAND IS INHOSPITABLE AND SO ARE WE, Will Arbery , Brooklyn 2023

random collage while listening to the album , very disconnected from the theme but just based on the vibe

#dear diary #it's a worshiping mitski kind of a day #a love haunting the land #goddddd it's heart wrenching #wanna make more collages

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daily-coloring · 5 years

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Best of 2018 - Songs

Finally, not many artist using autotune anymore which is great and 2018 were one of the best years in Pop music, there isn’t any question about it. Playlist here.

01. Young Fathers - Toy

02. 1010 Benja SL - Wind Up Space - Reflecting on my love life in 2018.

03. Marlon Williams - Can I Call You

04. Tracey Thorn - Face

05. JMSN - Mind Playin’ Tricks

06. Maxwell - We Never Saw It Coming - One of the most beautiful song been ever made.

07. Villagers - Sweet Saviour

08. Thomas Azier - Vertigo

09. Against All Logic - Rave on U - Shake your bloody arse.

10. Neneh Cherry - Fallen Leaves

11. Mitski - Nobody

12. Fischerspooner - TopBrazil - Gayest song in 2018.

13. Soft Cell - Guilty (’Cos I Say You Are)

14. Kimbra - Version of Me

15. Tracey Thorn - Sister

16. Mark Ronson ft. Miley Cyrus - Nothing Breaks Like a Heart

17. Thomas Azier - The Girl Beneath the Lion

18. Troye Sivan ft. Ariana Grande - Dance To This

19. All Saints - Love Lasts Forever

20. JMSN - Inferno

21. Neneh Cherry - Natural Skin Deep

22. Raime - Real People Not Actors

23. Pete Yorm ft. Scarlet Johansson - Bad Dreams

24. Lenny Kravitz - Low

25. Lunice - Partout

26. Jessica 6 - The Storm Inside

27. Dom & Roland - A Broken Heart

28. Ariana Grande - No Tears Left To Cry

29. George FitzGerald ft. Tracey Thorn - Half-Light

30. Benin City - Final Form

31. Gesaffelstein - Reset

32. JMSN - Drama

33. Nakhane - Clairvoyant

34. Peter, Bjorn & John - Living a Dream - They made one of the best album this year but the critics aren’t saying that. So fuck off!

35. Tamino - Each Time

36. Benjamin Clementine - Eternity

37. Mitski - Washing Machine Heart

38. 1010 Benja SL - Ultimaybe

39. Christine and the Queens - The Walker

40. Villagers - Again

41. Marie Davidson - Your Biggest Fan - Funniest song of the year.

42. Marlon Williams - I Know a Jeweller

43. U.S. Girls - Pearly Gates

44. Against All Logic - Some Kind of Game

45. Fischerspooner - Discreet

46. Tracey Thorn - Smoke

47. Neneh Cherry - Shot Gun Shack

48. Let’s Eat Grandma - It’s Not Just Me

49. John Grant - Smug Cunt

50. Julia Michaels - Heaven

51. David Avery - Slow Fade

52. Beak> - Alle Sauvage

53. Ssion - Free Lunch (Break)

54. Matthew Dear - Bunny’s Dream

55. JMSN - So Badly

56. The Crystal Method - Ghost in the City - Best song they made since 2010.

57. Confidence Man - C.O.O.L. Party

58. Anthony & Cleopatra - Hurt Like Hell

59. IAMX - Mile Deep Hollow

60. The Black Queen - Thrown Into the Dark

61. Elite Force - La Furioza

62. Answer Code Request - Ab Intus

63. Matthew Dear - What You Don’t Know

64. Paul White - Returning

65. Rival Consoles - Be Kind

66. Robyn & Zhala - Human Being

67. Saul Williams - The Flaw You Worship

68. Villagers - Fool

69. Young Fathers - Wow

70. Viagra Boys - Sports

71. Thomas Azier - Color! Color!

72. These New Puritans - Into The Fire

73. Sparks - Check Out Time 11am

74. Ross from Friends - Thank God I’m a Lizard

75. Recondite - Lichtung

76. Raime - In Medias Res

77. Peter, Bjorn & John - Every Other Night

78. The Orb - Dougnuts Forever

79. Nimmo - Too Late

80. Nils Frahm - A Place

81. Mr. Fingers - Crying Over You

82. Mr. Twin Sister - Jaipur

83. Morcheeba - It’s Summertime

84. Maribou State - Feel Good

85. Lenny Kravitz - 5 More Days ‘Til Summer - Real feelgood song. Makes me happy all the time.

86. Kimbra - Lightyears

87. Benin City - Is This All There Is

88. Bright Light Bright Light - Tough Love

89. Crazy P - Allow Me

90. David August - 33CHANTS

91. DJ Koze - Pick Up

92. Karin Park - Blue Roses

93. DREAMS - No One Defeats Us

94. Editors - Hallelujah (So Low)

95. Gus Gus - Don’t Know How To Love

96. ionnalee - Joy

97. Golden Bug - Hippie Friends

98. Friendly Fires - Heaven Let Me In

99. Emika - Promises

100. Forest Swords - Crow

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ninequestions9 · 5 years

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Elisa, 25, Artist

What is the biggest frustration you’re facing now?

I have two frustrations right now. One is more externally like practically. Trying to figure out how to move while I’m working and don’t have a job somewhere else and all the finances that go into that and all the boring practical stuff. Then internally I guess with dating and what I think of that. If I’m going to have another partner again and what I want out of that, I’m not sure. Especially with a man because I feel like in my experience they always have certain expectations of me that I can’t or don’t want to fulfill for them. And trying to figure out how to judge their characters better beforehand or not fall into the same patterns. Right now I’m just taking a break from that and I’ve just been thinking a lot about my relationships with that. How to balance having a partner but also still being able to be my independent self which is a really hard thing to balance I think.

What trait do you wish you most had?

I really wish I was a good singer and musician. I’m like obsessed with Mitski right now. She’s so cool! I love her lyrics. I wish I was a better writer also. That’s something I want to start doing eventually when I have more confidence. But yeah, I’m too shy to even try to sing and my parents are quiet people so I was never raised with like thinking I could be a good singer so I just never was. Also when I was little in school when we had choir class the singing teacher was like really mean and forced us to sing in front of the class and it was traumatic, so now I’m like, I will never sing in front of people. So that’s just never going to happen for me.

What are 3 characteristics you look for in a friend?

I don’t feel like I necessarily look for characteristics when I become friends. I like when I hang out with someone then afterwards I feel like fueled by the conversation like it inspires me. When I hang out with my photographer friends who always nerd out about photography and then afterwards I’m always like ��Ah I gotta plan another project” or get into this certain nerdy equipment or whatever. I like when friend share interests and things they’re fascinated by because I like to support that and bond over that with people. Everything else I’m open to. I don’t really look for specific characteristics in people I’m open to just being friends with anyone and if it like works then it works.

4) What makes you feel brave?

Probably because I’ve moved so many times to other countries, sometimes completely on my own with no connection to anything there, I feel that if I really wanted to I could just move to like the middle of the country or somewhere else by myself without knowing anyone; I could do it and I would be ok. Like my friend right now, his cousin just moved to Portland and he’s really struggling out there because he has no friends and doesn’t have a consistent job so it’s like really difficult for him, which I’ve experienced before but I feel like because I experienced that and I worked my way through it, if I experience it again, I’m pretty calm. I’m really adaptable in my mind when I go to a new place because I’m able to trick my mind into adapting to that place by relating the structure to the last place that I lived. Does that make sense? Like when I moved to The Netherlands I adapted to living there by thinking of the whole country like New York City. So I would travel around and hop from place to place like Utrecht was Brooklyn, Amsterdam was Manhattan, Rotterdam was Queens in my brain. So that’s how I would function for a while whenever I was trying to find a place to live or a job. That’s how I motivated myself because I was like, this is how I functioned in New York, this is just what you have to do in New York so I thought about it like that. So I did that there until it just became normal. I’ve done that so many times that it doesn’t really scare me that much to be thrown in a new situation. Also because I’ve don’t it so many times before, I know it’s not permanent. If I’m all alone in a location, that’s just what I’m experiencing now, it doesn’t mean it’s forever, so I can be calm about it.

5) What makes you feel vulnerable?

Being put on the spot in front of a lot of people.

6) What was your proudest moment?

When I finished my first publication when I was working for New York City government because that was such an intense project. Like Al Gore held my book and the mayor of New York held the book and it was in the paper. Yeah there was just a lot of work put into that with a lot of people so that was like a cool thing to have happen as my first real job after school. Also whenever I finish a photography project completely. When I finish the images and design the book; I’ve only done that twice before and it’s always really accomplishing and hopefully I do that again this year.

And also this year when I had no where to live and no job and I had to start from scratch when none of my plans worked out. I had to network like crazy to get a job and a place to live and it mostly worked out. I was like, wow I actually did that in a foreign country. I was impressed with myself. It wasn’t perfect but I did it.

7) Who is your role model / hero and why?

Probably most of my female professors from college because they’re really talented and they’re really smart. I just admire them because a lot of them are married and they have kids and yet they have really good artistic careers and they’re professors, which is like a crazy hard thing to balance and just have in general because it’s so competitive. Especially for women, it’s a lot harder to do all of those things. Plus having kids on top of that, I’m like, how? That’s hard, especially now-a-days. I guess it’s easier because women can work more but you have to kind of do everything at once, it’s still not perfect.

I do love David Lynch a lot. He is my artistic inspiration, but yeah I don’t necessarily was to live my life like him. He was married like four times.

8) What is one life lesson you’d like to pass down to future generations?

I feel like these are things I’ve been thinking about a lot lately, but I can’t come up with it in the moment. You and society are always changing and adapting and you should be ok with that. People that want to stay in their crystalized selves or a crystalized society are pretty unhealthy. I get frustrated with the older generations that don’t change with the times and then talk down to young people like we don’t know what we’re talking about but, the context we live in right now is so different than theirs. I just hope that when I’m at that point later in life, I also adapt to the times and I can change. Because whatever I think now might not be relevant or it’ll just be outdated by the time we reach that point. I just hope I don’t get stuck in that crystalized state. I feel like there’d be a lot less problems in the world if every generation realized that and took a step back and checked back in with themselves rather than being so aggressive with their own life and generational perspective.

9) What is your opinion of Jesus?

I mean I do not believe he was the Son of God at all. Maybe he was real at one point, like a man, a philosopher. I don’t know, I don’t know enough about religion or Christianity. I don’t know everything that he did or that’s assumed that he did or believed that he did. Maybe he existed at one point. I don’t know enough about the historical evidence that does exist. I went to Jerusalem over the summer and I went to where he was supposedly buried. It’s in a church, like a tourist thing. I’m like, I’m here, this is something I should see. It was really cool and the church was amazing. Yeah I don’t know, maybe he existed in his time and was just like a man perhaps. I don’t really have an opinion. I don’t worship him. I don’t believe he was a magical person. I feel like the stories about him were like allegorical. Maybe to serve a certain moral for that time period, but not meant to be literal or factual. Maybe he was real and was just like a nice guy, philosopher that had beliefs and started movement for that time. Thus Christianity began I guess.

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quiltedlovers · 4 years

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music of the mundane: soundtrack to the life and love of yusuf and nicolo from the old guard. the above panels were found here, (issue no. 3).

track list below the cut.

My Own Soul’s Warning by The Killers

And when I hit the ground,

it made a messed up sound

And it kept on rattling through my days

And cutting up my nights

Like a goddamn knife

And it got me thinking, no matter how far,

I just wanted to get back to where you are.

Quitting You by Arkells

I think about you all the time

I can't get you off my mind

If they only knew

Who I've been talking to

And it hurts all throughout my insides

I couldn't stop if I tried, loving you

I'll never learn, so I'll call ya when I'm outside

You said, "The key's behind the porch light for Unit 2"

I thought of maybe quitting

But there's no quitting you.

NFWMB by Hozier

Give your heart and soul to charity

'Cause the rest of you, the best of you

Honey, belongs to me

Ain't it warming you, the world goin' up in flames?

Ain't it the life of you, you're lighting up the place?

Ain't it a waste it watch the throwing of the shade?

Ain't you my baby?

Nothing fucks with my baby.

I Come In Peace by Soko

I've come in peace, come to rescue you

And thought you're sick I will comfort you

My heart is weak

When I'm not with you

We gotta make it through

You gotta live and learn and you've learned to bail

You live your life like you're stuck in hell

And my only goal is to make you feel safe.

I Saw You In A Dream by The Japanese House

I saw you in a dream

You came to me

You were the sweetest apparition, such a pretty vision

There was no reason, no explanation

The perfect hallucination

All good things come to an end

But I thought that this might last

But you came alive so fast.

What A Heavenly Way to Die by Troye Sivan

What a heavenly way to die

What a time to be alive

Because forever is in your eyes

But forever ain't half the time

I wanna spend with you, you

I wanna be with you, you.

When I Fall In Love by Nat King Cole

When I fall in love it will be forever

Or I'll never fall in love

In a restless world like this is

Love is ended before it's begun

And too many moonlight kisses

Seem to cool in the warmth of the sun

When I give my heart it will be completely

Or I'll never give my heart

And the moment I can feel that you feel that way too

Is when I fall in love with you.

Touch Me by The Doors

Now, I'm gonna love you

Till the heavens stop the rain

I'm gonna love you

Till the stars fall from the sky for you and I

Come on, come on, come on, come on

Now touch me, baby

Can't you see that I am not afraid?

HIM by Sam Smith

Holy Father

We need to talk

I have a secret

That I can't keep

I'm not the boy that

You thought you wanted

Please don't get angry

Have faith in me

Say I shouldn't be here but I can't give up his touch

It is him I love

It is him

Don't you try and tell me that God doesn't care for us

It is him I love.

Pink In The Night by Mitski

It's like a summer shower

With every drop of rain singing

"I love you, I love you, I love you

I love you, I love you, I love you

I love you, I love you, I love you!"

I could stare at your back all day

And I know I've kissed you before, but

I didn't do it right

Can I try again, try again, try again

Try again, and again, and again

And again, and again, and again.

I Know A Place by MUNA

Don't you be afraid of love and affection

Just lay down your weapon

They will try to make you unhappy

Don't let them

They will try to tell you you're not free

Don't listen

I, I know a place where you don't need protection

Even if it's only in my imagination

I, I know a place we can go

Where everyone gonna lay down their weapon

Lay down their weapon

Just give me trust and anything can happen.

Flight Of The Stars - ZAYN

I go where you go

Go through Armageddon

Girl I got you

Theres no goodbyes, only us

So I will follow

As long as you’re feeling the same

I will follow you into the flames.

Take Me To Church - Hozier

Take me to church

I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies

I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife

Offer me that deathless death

Good God, let me give you my life

If I'm a pagan of the good times

My lover's the sunlight

No masters or kings when the ritual begins

There is no sweeter innocence than our gentle sin

In the madness and soil of that sad earthly scene

Only then I am human

Only then I am clean

Oh, oh, Amen, Amen, Amen.

Flowers In The Window - Travis

When I first held you I was cold

A melting snowman I was told

But there was no-one there to hold before

I swore that I would be alone for ever more

Wow look at you now

Flowers in the window

It's such a lovely day

And I'm glad you feel the same

Cause to stand up, out in the crowd

You are one in a million

And I love you so

Lets watch the flowers grow.

Golden by Harry Styles

You're so golden

I'm out of my head

And I know that you're scared

Because hearts get broken

I don't wanna be alone

When it ends

Don't wanna let you know

I don't wanna be alone

But I, I can feel it take a hold (I can feel it take a hold)

I can feel you take control (I can feel you take control)

Of who I am and all I've ever known

Loving you's the antidote.

STUD by Troye Sivan

How much of me would you take?

And how much of me would you change?

On second thought, don't say a thing

('Cause you're the one for right now)

Just let me believe that you like what you seein'

When you're lookin' at me and your heartbeat is speedin'

At seven hundred miles down highways to Eden

Like my body's the apple you're eatin.

What Would I Do Without You by Drew Holcomb and The Neighbours

Sometimes I wake up with the sadness

Other days it feels like madness

Oh, what would I do without you?

When colors turn to shades of grey

With the weight of the world at the end of the day

Oh, what would I do without you?

A decade goes by without a warning

And there's still a kindness in your eyes

Amidst the questions and the worries

A peace of mind, always takes me by surprise

I feel like I'm walking with eyes as blind

As a man without a lantern in a coal mine

What would I do without you?

You and I by PVRIS

I know it's warmer where you are

And it's safer by your side

But right now I can't be what you want

Just give it time

And if you and I

Can make it through the night

And if you and I

Can keep our love alive, we'll fight

We can meet in the middle

Bodies and souls collide

Dance in the moonlight

Where all the stars align

Oh, you and I.

#yusuf al kaysani #nicolo di genova #yusuf x nicolo #joe x nicky #the old guard #tog #kaysanova #playlist #immortal husbands

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supernoondles · 6 years

Text

2017

this year i learned that (white) people send holiday cards, and i guess these posts have always been mine. to revive the three pronged thesis from the trenches of middle school: i traveled a lot, i started grad school, and i became more horny.

on travel

i kept track of every place i slept this year. here is a map:

and a bar chart:

locations serve as a good summary of stuff that i did for “work” or “career” or whatever. life fell in segments. having graduated undergrad, i interned at [generic tech company] while living in san jose from the beginning of the year until mid may. one time i fell asleep in a meeting that i called. around late feb/march i also missed over 15 days of work (lol) because i was touring all those phd programs--that was a lot of fun!

i went to 3.5 conferences this year: one in cyprus that was my first talk (though about work i think has fundamental flaws), a preconference in san diego for communications that was awful, one at MIT with an associated week long ‘summer school’ that i enjoyed, and one in orlando for digital humanities that made me very grateful to be in HCI.

i spent summer in europe and that was the dream. i was a really bad researcher, but can anyone focus on doing work when surrounded by the beauty of paris? after my research stint ended (and financed by that internship money) i did what every other college grad with newfound wealth did and traveled around europe. i went to iceland, which i had been wanting to do since i was 12! on my way back to the states, i stopped in chicago to see some friends and also drove down the pnw to see the solar eclipse. a lot of planes this year! feeling bad for my carbon footprint. oh, i also bought my first car (i survived in the peninsula for 10 weeks without one...sigh), so that ain’t helping either. though i do now commute by bike to school, which is really great (and good cardio)!

a brief media interlude

here is my annual best of playlist. this year i went to at least 15 shows, mostly in the bay area. the ones i remember: thom yorke, grizzly bear, tennis, badbadnotgood, radiohead x 2 (berkeley + arras), avalanches x 2 (sf + boston), andrew bird x 2, gorillaz, the national & sufjan stevens et al (planetarium) in paris, mitski, the xx, blood orange, lcd soundsystem. when i saw thom in december my first thought when he stepped on stage was ‘he’s so fucking ugly and needs to wash his hair so badly,’ a stark contrast from the first time i saw him (at 14) which was incoherent crying and worshiping--character development, i guess?

this year, more so than any other (perhaps my nomadic nature), i’ve started to have vivid associations of songs with place. kendrick’s damn (album of the year) or tennis’ (band of the year) yours conditionally: listened to heavily while carpooling to work in the south bay in a truck 20 years older than i. radiohead’s man of war: dashing to the pompidou when it was released to watch the music video as i didn’t yet have data, and then blarring out of speakers in a late night coffee shop as folks wandered the streets of arras, waiting for the first morning train home.

i also read 14 books this year, potentially the most books i’ve read in any year in recent memory--that’s what graduation affords. i started actively seeking out stuff written by asian americans (especially millennials) and i am soooo glad that i did. favorite ones are pamela: a novel (pamela lu), when i grow up i want to be a list of further possibilities (poetry, chen chen), chemistry (weiki wang), and sour heart (jenny zhang). is this how white people feel all the time, seeing their stories and narratives and experiences captured and validated and published?

on grad school

i spent a few weeks agonizing where and with whom to spend my next ~5 years, which to like literally anyone not in the academy as a computer science phd student just sounds like crying because you can’t decide between artisanal ice cream flavor x or y, so i won’t elaborate. but--i visited the campus i’m now at the day i had to make a decision and met with some faculty on the roof of the new art building. the bay stretched the distance, sunkissed. when they left, i just sat, waiting for my mom to pick me up, and i started crying, because i felt so lucky, because i felt like i really had the opportunity to achieve my dreams, and i didn’t even know what those dreams were (i still don’t). i’m trying to hold on to that feeling.

it’s only been 10 weeks, and i definitely am having a good time (the cushiness of private school!), but i still miss my undergrad. i moved out of a 140 person co-op and into a 2 person apartment (heavily subsidized by my school) in the heart of silicon valley that i think is bigger than the house my parents live in. no more spontaneous dinner hangouts because campus is its own city and the downtown 1.5 miles away is too fucking expensive anyway. while the peninsula can’t compete with east bay, i have met some really radiant folks here, but i wish we hung out more. in the start of this year, when i was still living in berkeley, i was getting dinner or exploring the city or doing something dumb (or just doing work together and getting distracted) with people i really loved every day. i didn’t expect graduate students to be closer to working adults than undergrads in terms of their social lives, but that’s what i’m feeling. 2018: a year of foraging closer bonds, the kind that make you feel like you’re overflowing. also 2018: a year to get serious about school again. i feel like i just had a lot of fun in 2017! gotta work harder.

on being horny

this year i had a very necessary and very belated realization of my attraction to the White Man™ (just look at the kinds of media i idolized when i was younger, or my hometown). i was also in love, at some point, with two of them. one helped me formulate my own definitions and actions around romantic love (granted, this has always been/will always be happening, but it was a catalyst to get me to explicitly think about these things). one helped me further that and also breach into the realm of touch. i had identified somewhere in the grey ace spectrum for the last 4 years of my life (around the same time i realized gender was a painful lie, the same time i went to college and escaped white suburbia, stumbling upon the qpoc oasis i’m still trying to create in grad school) but i think a lot of it was because i associated sex with shame and denial. but hey, physical intimacy is cool! i know it seems painfully obvious, but it wasn’t to me.

six chronological selfies from 2017

mt haleakala at sunrise / cyprus at sunset / me as asian fuckboy / me as asian tourist in versailles / me as european fuckboy post italian haircut + glasses / the most beautiful place on earth

i wore 4 different pairs of glasses (most current not pictured) this year cuz i kept on breaking ‘em!! 2018: the year where my ass sits only on things it should.

#noon's shitty end of the year summary posts #2017 #mundane #i'm not going to comment on the macro events of 2018 cuz it's too damn sad

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youhatedspain · 7 years

Text

FEBRUARY

and so in a different branch in the same chain of english hard wood floor peeled wallpaper fake distressed decor pubs, I eat another vegan breakfast and write into another grease stained notebook. Twin and I flick between airline websites and Tripadvisor pages and stab at the calculators on our phones and decide on Marrakech. I watch a documentary, read a book and listen to a podcast about Minimalism then proceed to throw away half my things. It feels satisfying like i’m purging some undesirable part of myself contained in two-year-old suitcases and sagging khaki green sports bags, all lined up rejected in the corridor before we take them to the charity shop.

I develop a kind of cold / eye ache / migraine combination which erupts behind the skin of my face like something trying to get out into the other side of the world, but I have skin as a barrier so it stays underneath and gets hot behind my eyes and forehead.

Twelve days into February I go greasy haired and tired for a Sunday morning breakfast with my friends, then we walk along the beach and stop in the cafe for cups of black coffee. We drink hot chocolate in Fitz’s kitchen and talk about moving to Dublin one day.

The following weekend we take Jon’s new dog on a walk. The weather is February as you would write it in a film, grey and cold with fits and starts of rain. we walk through sand the colour and texture of toffee and past the blue wooden cafe selling fish and chips and over the bridge again. we drive to the carvery and each buy the meatless roast dinner for four pounds, sitting over an eruption of gravy flavoured steam and drinking from our half pints.

Afterwards, Jon and I decide to see Trainspotting 2. She washes the sand and mud out of her new dog’s hair then drives us to the new cinema that everyone is so excited about. It’s white and tall like a plastic church with effigies of actor’s smouldering faces on the walls in worship. three different American style restaurants, two Italians, and if you want chicken, there’s a restaurant specifically for that. the popcorn is pre-scooped into sad cardboard boxes, priced and slotted into a display case like jewellery. Jon says most of the reason she wants to go to the cinema anyway is so she can get Cinnamon Bun flavoured ice cream, and she asks the vendor for two scoops. The vendor I haven’t seen before, wonder if she’s someone they hired to fill up this massive space they’ve carved out in what used to be a car park. She’s smilier than the ones in the old cinema with a royal blue cap and matching shirt, like an upgraded model, Human 2.0. She smiles as I ask her for the tickets then grimaces as she tells us the screening is full. In the time it takes her to look up the screening and tell us that it is full Jon has finished her Cinnamon Bun flavour ice cream. I have a packet of Oreos and a packet of Ginger hob nobs in my bag, both of which I will end up giving to Louis later. It is twenty to eight. Jon drives me home. On the 22nd of the month I shove my laptop and a change of clothes into my handbag and get the train to Bristol for Madonna’s birthday. I spend the day at her new flat, then I borrow her girlfriend Sagg’s black velvet dress and the three of us go out. We drink cocktails and eat Mexican food and walk through the cold of Bristol to a cocktail bar which is very gently Magic themed. They make cocktails with steam coming out of them but I have never actually seen one of these because I always just get a margarita. We sit on a tall table and talk about the times we’ve laughed the hardest and the places we were. Tops of hills and pavements in Newcastle and family dinner tables. It’s so dark that it’s hard to actually see one another and I’ve only been in this bar when it’s been nearly empty. I’m sure on Saturday nights it fills up and the bartender who told me he can make a Mojito in thirty seconds will be exercising that skill next to the upside down rose gold cocktail shakers and decorative black skulls, but without the people and the noise, the hollow Tuesday of it shows up the diamond shaped buttons on the purple cushioned chairs like a kind of bright light. Out into the cold of Bristol again. Cash machines. Tesco. Laughing next to a display of R&B compilation albums.

We sit up in the living room with a bottle of prosecco and a packet of crisps and I write five different notices for them to stick in their new neighbour’s pigeon holes about the party they are having on Saturday. The next morning we go out for breakfast, scrambled tofu and a pile of mushrooms and something called Golden Milk. A homeless man sits behind us, six different plastic bags around his feet like pets. I’m hungover for the first time in a while. Madonna and Sagg walk me to the train station and on the train I nearly fall asleep to the lull of passing countryside.

Louis and I phone ahead to a pub who we think has a vegan option but we’re not sure, and the slow voiced bartender on the other end of the phone tells me he can make one up for us especially. Louis gets one of his pieces of art printed professionally on glossy paper and we admire it before we drive out to the pub. I tell the slow voiced bartender we’re the annoying vegans who called ahead and he smiles and shows us to a table. There are ornamental bird cages hanging from the ceiling with different decorative objects in each of them. One of them has an iron, another a boot, another a dog. I ask Louis if he thinks they are trying to recreate the Monopoly pieces. I can only eat half of my vegan pie because it is double the size of my face; i feel bad and leave a big tip.

Later that day we walk Louis’ dogs in the rain and have a conversation about La La Land, like everyone is. Clearly I thought it was worth mentioning it here because next to a bullet point in my notebook I’ve written ‘La La Land’, but I can’t remember what we said, except that it was not traditional, not untraditional, but Hyper-Traditional, it’s traditionality a costume like Emma Stone’s yellow dress and tap shoes.

Bat and I were going to read along with The Banging Book Club but decide to make our own instead, picking six books each so we can read one every month for a year. Bat picks Carol as our first book, which I’ve been wanting to read ever since I saw the film, and I shove the words from the book into my brain on buses, in bed and on couches until I know the difference between those two things, the film and the book, page and screen, Rooney Mara and Therese Belivet.

This month I’ve enjoyed

READING

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows

Carol (or ‘The Price of Salt’) by Patricia Highsmith - (BOOK CLUB)

Autumn by Ali Smith

LISTENING TO

Music

Gorillaz (Plastic Beach)

Santigold

Mitski

Cherry Glazerr