Last night, as part of my 31 nights of Halloween movies I watched Crimson Peak (with my parents btw) because I was so convinced it was a vampire movie that I literally wrote it into something before I saw the movie thinking "heehoo people are going to enjoy this little reference" and then it wasn't. I was so so ready for vampire Tom Hiddleston to get stabbed with a stake and maybe drink someone's blood. I'm not going to say I was disappointed because I don't think that's the right word (the production design is absolutely beautiful) but I think I will say "hey. What the fuck did I just watch".

If I had a nickel for every time Tom Hiddleston played a rich soft goth anti-hero little-brother character who has a dead mother, shitty dead father, and a weirdly incestuous relationship with an insane woman who likes knives, and also stabs someone without the intention to kill but instead just out of convenience, then I'd have two nickels which isn't a lot but it's really weird that it happened twice.

I'm sorry I still can't get over how funny his whole character twist is.

They build up this character as Mr. Perfect (he's rich! He's fancy! He's new in town!) And his big twist is that he's a huge fucking nerd getting pegged by his sugar-sister-mommy-dommy who's killing the women he "marries" for him for money so he can play with his trinkets and build a machine.

So you know when you wanna write a funny situation but you realise that you have to come up with said funny situation? Yeah... I forgot that my sense of humor is atrocious, but at least I tried...? I couldn't focus on one long story so I decided to write several short ones instead! Hope you enjoy!

"I have the feeling you're not enjoying this sleepover very much."

Dream did not, in fact, enjoy this 'sleepover', because not only did it remind him that his only way out of this hell was stuck in here with him, but said way out had been nothing but insufferable since he got here.

"Is this about the bell-"

"You could have gotten us out of here."

Oh yeah, said way out also wasted their one chance at escaping on a fucking bell. Dream hadn't felt such anger in... he doesn't remember actually. He didn't get to feel angry often in here.

"Listen, it was a very important matter-"

He stopped listening at that point. It was the same tirade every time about clout and viewership and whatever that he honestly could care less about. Staring at and counting the cracks in the obsidian seems like a very interesting activity.

"Hey, are you listening?"

1... 2... 3...

"Dude."

4... 5... 6...

"How long are you gonna ignore me?"

7... 8- wait, didn't he count that one already?

"Look at me at least."

No, he doesn't think he will. Because then the bell will be within view, and Dream knows that if he wasn't so pathetically weak, either the bell or Techno would have been thrown into the lava by now. But he is, so he'll throw the next best thing: his body. And fuck whatever the pig might have to say about it.

"Dreeeeeam-"

"WHAT."

He whipped his head so fast his neck hurt a little. He was fully prepared to... well now he doesn't remember, because of all faces he expected Techno to make...

The fuckboy face wasn't one of them.

"Nooo don't be angry, you're so sexy haha."

Oh God, he just died and went to limbo didn't he?

He wasn't sure when exactly he collapsed on the floor, gasping for air in a mix of wheezes and coughing, but Techno was now hovering over him in panic.

"Dream please don't die, I don't want the last thing you ever saw to have been that face-"

Oh, if there was one thing he would make sure not to forget, it would have been that face.

~~~~~

"Man, I'm starving. When do we get food in here again?"

"Um, I don't know really. I guess whenever Sam is in the mood?"

"What."

"Yeah."

Sam hasn't dropped food a single time since he was locked in here. Well, add 'food' to the basic human rights Dream isn't getting. They're really treating this like a bucket list aren't they?

"It's... You'll get used to it."

Dream gives him some potatoes from his inventory, to Techno's absolute delight. At least Sam has great taste, he'll give him that. But...

"...They're raw."

"Well, obviously."

Listen. He loves potatoes. He'd say he loves them to death, if he could die. No matter how you cook them, they turn out delicious. But raw? He'd only eat them raw if it was a life-or-death situation AND he somehow had no source of heat at his disposal, and the likelihood of that situation happening is practically zero. So yeah, he doesn't like to eat them raw.

"And that's all you get?"

"If you can't eat it-"

Ah, those famous words. Now, he's fairly certain that Dream didn't mean it as a challenge, but at this point Techno is just too competitive to see it any other way. Look, you don't get to his level by being passive, okay? So it's perfectly reasonable.

What wasn't reasonable was the taste of this potato because what in the Blood God's name is this.

"What the hell is this."

"...A potato?"

"No, this is a fucking travesty."

And what a sight it was, the Technoblade swearing and ranting about potatoes, of all things. Dream could only last until "mossy cobblestone tastes better than this dry ass, stinky ass garbage" before he lost it. You gotta give him credit for lasting this long at least. Technoblade was too busy ranting to care either way.

~~~~~

This can't be happening.

"Dream."

"What."

He tries to sound neutral, but Techno can hear the snicker in his voice.

"You don't have to do this."

Surely he can reconsider-

"On the contrary, it has to be done."

Dream places a single card on the pile, which happens to be his last one. A Wild Draw 4, to rub salt into the wound. Techno decides that ending on that card should be illegal.

"Remember the deal. No bell for the rest of the day."

"NOOOOOOO!"

Unfortunately, that had been the condition he had to agree to in order to get Dream to play. Because apparently he was "ringing it all the fucking time and it was driving me crazy". There's that, and the threat that Dream would jump in the lava again if he refused. So clearly he had a choice in the matter.

He knew that there was a chance he could lose... but he had deemed it low enough to ignore it. How could he not expect the resident chessmaster of the SMP to utterly trounce him in UNO? He was a fool, and now he has to think about how to make up for the lost clout and money.

At least, judging from the quiet snickers, someone finds his misery funny. He finds consolation in knowing that he may have lost the battle but he won the war. In a way.

~~~~~

"So I almost got mauled to death but that was how I met Steve."

Dream stares at him the way Phil does when he does something particularly outlandish and he fails to see why.

"Can I ask a question."

"Sure."

"Why would the first thing you do upon running into a starving polar bear be hugging it?"

Of course he would question it, because obviously Techno's superior intellect is confusing to the common mind. He just really likes animals, okay? Steve's fur looked so soft and fluffy he just had to touch it, he almost got his face torn off and Phil never let him live that down. But he'll sooner accept governments than let Dream know that. He doesn't want to embarrass himself too much.

"See Dream, I live by a simple philosophy."

"Long live anarchy?"

"No. Well yes, but not just that."

Dramatic silence.

"Any animal is huggable if you aren't a coward."

Dream chokes on his potato, the only one he had eaten today, and Techno worries for a second before he realises that Dream is actually laughing.

"Tech- what-" His body is shaking. "-what is wrong with you??"

"It all started when I was born-"

~~~~~

And it's enough to send Dream rolling on the ground. It wasn't even that funny, but he supposes that prison does a number on you, and Dream's sense of humor was already terrible to begin with.

...Okay, now he had to make sure that the teletubby didn't laugh himself to death.

At the end of the day- at least Techno assumes it's the end of the day, he doesn't know how trustworthy his internal clock is anymore- the two inmates of Pandora's Vault are about ready to fall asleep, but Techno has one last thing to do before that.

"Dream, come here for a minute."

Said man gives him such a wary look that he almost feels insulted.

"...Why?"

"I won't bite, ya know."

"That's... debatable."

Bruh.

"Just get over here."

And Dream complies without any further complaints. Techno hopes he didn't sound too harsh, but his cellmate wasn't shivering uncontrollably, so he thinks he's in the clear.

"What?"

Techno lays his cape down on the very uncomfortable obsidian floor. Seriously, laying down for an hour is enough to make his joints ache. 0/10 would not recommend. How did Dream- right, he doesn't have a choice.

"What are you doing?"

"Making this prison less of a living hell. Come lay down."

"...I'm fine."

Why are you being so difficult, Techno wants to ask, even though he can guess the answer. When was the last time anyone did something remotely nice for him without any catch? Especially in here?

"Stop being difficult and sleep with me already."

Silence.

"...Pft."

"You know what I meant."

In his defense, everyone has their moments, and his usually don't happen that often.

"Stop being so difficult and-"

"Just... get over here. My cape is really soft."

"Is that why you wear it all the time?"

"...Among other things."

But mostly because it was really soft.

Dream still seemed apprehensive about the whole thing, and while usually Techno would have respected his wishes and left him be... the sight of his rival curling up in a corner of the cell, obviously trying to not aggravate his injuries as he did, was saddening even to him. Prime, he's really not good at this... but Dream probably definitely needs it.

So he pulls his roommate into a side hug, which is honestly the best he can manage without ruining his image. It's awkward, Dream is way too stiff, and maybe now would be the time to say something before embarrassment kills either or both of them. Something reassuring, comforting to help Dream relax in his presence for example.

"This is gonna be the best sleepover you've ever had."

...But the day he stops relying on humor for any kind of social interaction is the day it'll either stop working or get him killed.

"...This is so stupid."

And today was not that day.

Dream lets out a laugh, shaky but genuine, and relaxes. Techno sees that as a win. Since he's stuck here for a while, might as well make his favorite teletubby's life in here more bearable.

And it's finally over! It only took me... *looks at calendar* ...time is an illusion. Idk if I'm really happy with this, but on the bright side, it's... done? Now I really wanna continue that endersmile fanfic as I got some ideas, hopefully it won't take as long? God I am a writing disaster

Also if you saw any mistakes... no you didn't :)

And In Darkness, I Stand- Chapter 2

Kallus' leg is never quite the same after Bahryn. But then again, neither is he.

1 2 3 4 5

2. The Relentless / The Chimera

The weakness does fade.

The next day is better, if only for the bacta and the pain meds. No one asks him about his unfortunate detour- not that his inferiors would dare, nor would his superiors deign themselves to care- so he writes his report on the incident, omitting all details regarding Garazeb Orrelios, and files the matter away.

Kallus doesn’t limp. There’s no need for that anymore, not when he can stifle or otherwise ignore the discomfort. He’s sitting most of the day anyway, his hours spent planning a new angle of attack to capture the Ghost crew. He skips lunch to avoid the trek down to the mess hall and more pain with it. If this is the cost he pays for a show of strength, then so be it.

It’s been a very long time since he’s felt so weak, he thinks, vaguely dazed, as the day creeps into the afternoon. He’s lightheaded and probably dehydrated at that.

Kallus sighs, tossing the datapad back on his desk. He’s behind on his work. Between the Lothal rebels and the other insurgent cells that keep cropping up, he’s been stretched thin.

That’s unfamiliar, too. He’s not used to losing.

But here he is. For the first time in years, he’s sitting at his desk, weak, injured, struggling to keep up with a group of pesky rebels that should have been eliminated years ago.

And that’s the icing on the stupid cake: it’s been a small eternity since he’s bent the rules. Kallus lied on a report- he lied about saving a rebel.

He groans, burying his face in his hands. Two rotations ago, if Kallus had discovered one of his subordinates doing the same, he would have recommended them tried and executed for treason.

He’s earned that much, in all likelihood. It would make things simpler. The action and the consequence swiftly following, rather than skirting around reality in a desperate attempt to save his own skin.

That’s not what occurred yesterday. Yesterday, he saved Zeb when he didn’t have to. Yesterday, Zeb did the same for him- literally carried him out of harm’s way- and offered to spare Kallus once more after that.

If he had taken him up on the deal, Kallus would probably be more comfortable, he realizes with a snort. The rebels have next to nothing, and they’d still take care of his wound.

Yet here he is- a top agent of the Empire, with resources worth trillions of credits at his disposal- and he’s sitting alone in his office with a growling stomach and a broken leg.

The line of thought is dangerous and foolish. It’s the kind of thinking that could get him killed. In fact- he has killed over messaging like that. The first indication of rebellion is questioning the might of the Empire, so they cull the curious and loud. Nip it in the bud, so to say, before the spark can catch flame.

Damn. Kallus has half a mind to turn himself in. But in the past 48 hours, he doesn’t know who he’s more culpable to- the rebels or the Empire.

It is, above all else, highly doubtful that any of these wonderings are markers of a good ISB agent. It’s stupid, for one. He should have killed Zeb the moment he made it to safety on Bahryn. Failing that, he should have turned himself in and begged for forgiveness, kissed Konstantine’s boots and sworn allegiance to the Emperor over and over.

It’s unlikely that sniveling would have worked, even if it is one of Kallus’ finely developed skills. No, it was over the moment he decided not to shoot Zeb.

So he has a choice- turn himself in and be jailed or exiled, at best, or move past what happened and reprove his faithfulness to the Empire. Own up to his actions or reach his full potential under the Empire, save for one little hiccup.

The latter seems the obvious choice. But Kallus still remembers the chill of the ice moon, the agony of waiting for the Empire to rescue him, his sole relief the Lasat next to him-

No.

Today, he serves the Empire. Kallus is sure he will not be caught in fudging the report. He’s one of the best, after all, and there’s no evidence to damn him unless he or Garazeb Orrelios decide to confess the acts of their mercy to the Empire.

It’s odd, then. Kallus is ISB, an Imperial agent. He deals in secrets and lies, so he should be accustomed to circumstances such as these.

But never before has he kept a secret with a rebel. He and Zeb are the only two people in the galaxy who know what really happened.

Zeb is the only person in the galaxy who has witnessed Kallus’ mercy.

And thus that is another thing he shares with Garazeb Orrelios. These secrets, a day together in the snow, memories of a burning planet, and a life debt formed around a tenderly bandaged leg.

It feels too significant to dismiss as an anomaly.

-

Kallus’ fist collides with the training dummy once more, a satisfying whack! splitting through the air.

His muscles ache, from his bad leg to his abdomen and back. One fall and he’s disrupted his whole body.

His spine, in particular, throbs. The limping, as infrequent as it now is, has shifted his weight and alignment. It hurts, yet he trains and pushes, a relentless wave crashing against an unyielding seawall.

Kallus knows what his body is capable of. He knows his limits, and he knows how to expand them. He knows what he should be able to achieve.

He throws his whole body into the next punch, and loses his balance. He pivots forward, twisting on his injured leg, and pain shoots through him, spiking white-hot through his every nerve. In a desperate attempt to save himself, he sticks his hands out in front of him, but his momentum is too great, and he crashes to the floor anyways, the world spinning, he nauseous and bruised.

The training mat smells of sweat and rubber. It’s disgusting, yet Kallus is so disoriented that the stench is the first thing that makes sense, that grounds him through the vertigo and agony.

Childishly, foolishly, he wants to cry. Tears prick at the corners of his eyes, burning, and Kallus raises himself up slowly, shifting so his leg is kept off the ground. He ends up on the floor before the dummy, half stuck, half afraid of the hurt that will follow when he stands.

Even he will accept that he cannot train any more today. So Kallus picks himself off the floor, painstakingly and gingerly, then unwraps his knuckles and wipes the sweat from his brow. He closes his uniform over his undershirt, and retreats to his room to lick his wound.

He’s still weak. Bahryn fractured him, and it’s doubtful that he’ll ever be at full capacity again. His strongest days are past him and he never even realized this fact to enjoy them while they lasted.

This misery is nearly enough to occupy him as he showers and changes. His weakness is troubling, unfortunate, damning. His career could be in jeopardy, should the injury get any worse, and he cannot think of a day that the leg hasn’t bothered him in all the time that has passed since Bahryn.

But it does not suffice. The pain, the threat to his livelihood, the sudden onset of his physical decline- it is not enough to distract him from the thought that whisked him away to training in the first place.

Tell Garazeb Orrelios we’re even.

So the debt is paid. Is that it? Is it over? Has he recompensed to the rebels, at least for that one day? He owes Garazeb nothing, not anymore. He owes the Empire his own life for his treason, for breaking the promises that founded all purpose in his life.

If he thinks about it, he still owes the rebels. He’s saved one of them, once, and one of them spared him, once. But what does he owe to them for all the years spent chasing them across the galaxy, for the torture and death he’s inflicted upon them?

It’s his life’s work, to have done so.

They don’t deserve it.

The realization sends a jolt of shock through him. Kallus sits up in bed, clutching at the sheets with a frantic grasp. He feels short of breath because-

It’s never been about deserve. It’s never been about compassion or mercy, or secrets, or care. The Empire is founded on and fueled by control, by order, by power.

Bahryn stripped him of all of these things. He was helpless, lost, totally dependent on Zeb to survive. Each breath of air on that accursed moon was attributed to another, and Zeb granted them all to Kallus without a second thought.

What is the reward for doing the same?

What does he owe for this debt that can never truly be repaid? Because he has deprived the rebels of so much, for so long. Even he, who has finessed the system and risen to the top, now suffers, alone and miserable.

Few others have had the luxury of mercy and kindness under the rule of the Empire. There are not enough insurgents to compensate for all that the Empire has done.

He could change this fact.

-

The discomfort and weakness become normal in due time. It is no longer a conscious effort to hide what remains of the limp, nor does he rely on a generous dose of medication to get through the day.

Kallus has healed. He has changed, too.

What started on Bahryn and continued with Sabine Wren has blossomed into something larger entirely. Kallus is no longer a mere Imperial officer. He is Fulcrum. He is caught between both sides of the war and has taken a page out of Garazeb Orrelios’ book- he has chosen mercy, to save rebel lives because they do not deserve to suffer under Imperial rule and at his own hand, not anymore.

He is still responsible for a great many deaths, now rebel and Imperial alike. If the whole galaxy were to know his sins, there would likely be very few beings who would agree that Kallus doesn’t deserve harsh consequences for his actions.

But he does sleep better at night now. Kallus plans to repent every day for the rest of his life, however short or long that might be.

He doesn’t know why he does it. To help a desperate rebellion and hinder a cruel Empire, yes, but beyond these satisfactions, he stands nothing to gain.

That is perhaps the starkest difference between the two groups. In the Empire, he works only for himself, a cog competing against other worthless mechanisms so that he may benefit, so that his superiors may benefit, so that the ringleaders of the whole operation may finally see an entire galaxy within their grasp. The rebellion consists of a ragtag group of misfits, fighting for what remains of their families and freedoms.

Kallus is doing it for them. To dedicate his life to those he has hurt before may grant him some peace. He’s a fraction of a step closer to being able to live with himself, at any rate.

Today, he is up at the crack of dawn, a habit he shares with the commander of his most recent station- Thrawn. Except, while the Chiss rises early to develop strategy or train, Kallus is gathering intel to send to rebel sources.

He’s sitting on the floor of his small room, back aching from hunching over the datapad and encryptor, his legs stretched before him, mostly bare, as he hasn’t bothered to shave or dress yet. The ground is cold, yet it keeps the edging tiredness at bay, a sharpness that eliminates the heaviness pulling his eyes closed.

Kallus shifts again, then freezes.

His right leg is straightened before him- he knows this because the muscles are strained, stretched too far, yet the leg is bent slightly to the side. There’s a patch of skin just below his knee that is discolored and rippled, a bump indicating where the bone below was broken.

That’s wrong. He hasn’t noticed the abnormality ever before, but there’s only one reasonable explanation for it.

He’s unhealed, after all.

It is no matter. He’s already in an incredibly vulnerable position, and he has nothing else to lose. If the faulty leg serves him until he is caught or dead, then there is no need to concern himself with the issue.

-

Most days, he does not wake up in pain.

Instead, any discomfort builds over the course of the day. Kallus wakes and goes about his morning with no hindrance. At midday, he might notice a twinge if he stretches and moves about, but he is not truly bothered until late in the evening, when he has trained or ran or spent more than an hour standing. It is something he can survive, provided it does not get worse.

Today, Kallus wakes up in pain.

He’s awoken before his alarm goes off, which is not atypical, but Kallus realizes almost instantly that his sleep was disturbed because of his leg, which feels like lead, burning where it attaches to his hip. He gasps aloud in the security of his quarters, waiting for the agony to cease.

It does not, ten, then twenty minutes later. He throws his pillow at the chrono beeping at him incessantly to get up, then swears under his breath and hops on one leg across the room, slamming the button on the chrono to make it stop, then stumbling into the refresher to gulp down whatever medications he has saved.

They will not act fast enough, nor are they powerful enough to truly solve the problem. But Kallus dresses, every muscle in his body tense, and he gets to work.

The Empire still lies in wait, led by Thrawn as he develops the appropriate strategy to eliminate the rebels. Kallus is grateful for the moderate respite from action, though it comes at the cost of working closely with the Admiral day in and day out. Thrawn is unnerving, not just to his enemies, but to all in his proximity. Kallus will be uncomfortable in all meanings of the word today.

And as expected, when Thrawn arrives to Kallus’ office, the pain has only doubled. Sitting does not alleviate it, and standing makes it worse. Focusing is a herculean task, and behaving normally is no more easily accomplished.

Thrawn’s presence demands these things in perfect condition. Kallus stands to greet the Admiral, offering a small nod in greeting, then Thrawn opens a map of Lothal in the middle of the room, gesturing to the places of interest. He knows the planet well, his experience aiding Thrawn’s careful study. The discussion is frank and swift, and it should be easy to follow.

Kallus’ leg is on fire. It is the worst pain he’s ever been in, rivaling the initial break and spreading through his body, which is rigid and tense and out of his control. He concentrates on standing still, on not letting his mask of neutrality slip, and it’s then he realizes Thrawn is looking at him.

“Agent Kallus.” He hates the red eyes watching him so closely, he hates them. “Are you quite well?”

“Of course, Admiral.” Kallus is a good liar, above all else. He wants to scream out loud, collapse to the floor sobbing and pounding his fists.

“Ah.” Thrawn appraises him a moment longer, then turns back to the detailed chart, his smooth voice returning to its drone about Lothal’s power supplies. Kallus’ vision is blurry at the edges, and he cannot read the inscriptions on the holo three feet away from him. The colors seem wrong and the buildings are colliding, and Thrawn’s words slip away into nothing, nothing, until they form an ungraceful, wavering song. White creeps into his sight, threatening to overtake the black of his office, and he thinks he is going to die like this, standing on a leg that should have healed months ago.

He becomes aware that Thrawn has stopped talking.

Kallus must reply- the fog clouding his brain is too thick, he doesn’t understand what’s been asked of him, and he is hopelessly lost with no way to return.

He bites down on his tongue, hard. The new pain is sharp, thick and stinging. His brain reels at the sensation, but he doesn’t gasp, blinking once to clear his eyes of tears, and with the motion, his vision returns. Thrawn his standing with his back to Kallus, hands clasped neatly behind him. The pause is too comfortable for any question to have been posed, and Thrawn has been particularly punctual today, so perhaps he has not bothered with a loaded question that the Admiral already knows the answer to. Kallus decides to weigh his bets by maintaining the silence as he tries to remember the last of Thrawn’s words that he was able to understand.

There is still a rushing in his ears, the white noise overpowering all else; Kallus bites down harder, and the galaxy bursts with sound once more.

“....but I am confident that this strategy will succeed, once the laborers are under control. Do you agree, Agent Kallus?”

“Yes.” He’s too strangled; he clears his throat and straightens, a fresh spike of agony emanating from his leg as it bears more of his weight. “Handling the working class is the first step towards uniting the people under Imperial rule.”

“Good.” The Admiral must really be as close as he can get to approval, because he does not turn around to stare at Kallus again. “I expect we will be discussing this matter further at a later date.”

“Yes, sir.”

Thrawn bows his head in acknowledgment, and Kallus does the same. The urge to yell returns again as Thrawn exits the room, his pace terribly slow and measured. Kallus is sure he is shaking; his clenched fists are no longer enough to disguise this fact, but the door hisses open, then closed again, and Kallus is alone-

His muscles give out all at once, and he collapses to the floor in a heap, limbs convulsing and his entire body trembling. Kallus’ breath is ragged and uneven, and he only realizes he is crying when he feels the wet heat on his face.

His leg is a horrible mix of utter numbness and stabbing pain. Kallus attempts to right himself, but every small movement only brings more agony. The world is lost to him, but he inhales. Exhales. Breathes.

Taste is the first thing to return to him. In his mouth, thick and warm, he recognizes the copper of blood, gushing from the hole torn in his tongue.

KHR x The Umbrella Academy AU

I need to get this out of my system before I think too much about it and want to write an actual story about it lol. With the Arco as MCs because I’m very predictable. TUA spoilers.

Words: 2579

Kawahira is Reginald because who else he’d be.

Every generation he gathers the most powerful extraordinary kids to make sure there will still be a world come next generation for him to do it again.

The current Arcobaleno he gathered are, well, the Arcobaleno lol.

Maybe there are the ones who’ll be smart enough to find another way around the Tri-ni-sette that doesn’t involve human sacrifices too, or strong enough to fight back against him and not let him kill them even if it means the world burns, or even strong enough to straight up kill him and put him out of his misery.

A dead man can’t be blamed to not give a shit about the end of the world after all or make it his problem.

(Well, this went dark real quick lmao.)

But why does he give a shit while he lives you ask?

He met this one human that one time and love sure has a way to make you care like the dumbest of humans.

(Yes I’m talking about Sepira.)

------

An Anti Tri-ni-sette Movement is born in this generation only, but not so much because of the whole human sacrifices thing mind you.

By design they just so happen to actively trying to prevent it, but they don’t care enough to come up with an alternative to stop the apocalypse.

Not that stopping the apocalypse was ever their end goal because yeah, it’s Byakuran and his Guardians that lead the movement, and Byakuran would just like to say if Kawahira wanted the most powerful extraordinary kids, he was right there.

Also playing the anti-hero (when he’s actually a chaotic neutral bad guy lol) sounded like a lot of fun.

------

The Commission is also still a thing because, well, someone still has to keep track and protect the timelines, right?

And as I’m writing this I realize it would have make more sense to have Kawahira leading it, or even Byakuran, but whatever.

Among their many assassins there’s this one elite squad the Commission tries very hard to keep them out of the field as much as possible (and fails), because they always need to send others agents after them to sort through their collateral damage and actually keep the timelines as they should be.

Yes I’m talking about the Varia.

Byakuran is very acquainted with them (both the Varia and the Commission), because they keep trying (and failing) to kill him.

Because Byakuran keeps using his power whatever the way he fucking wants, even while being very much aware of how timelines work.

Because of course he is lol.

------

Reborn and Verde are number one and two respectively, and always butt heads.

Not because of jealousy or because Kawahira trying to pit them against each other works on them or anything like that, they just infuriate each other at a very deep level lol.

Especially because they recognize (and begrudgingly admire/respect/trust) each other’s respective strengths.

They just don’t agree/approve on how the other uses them.

(Does Reborn need to be such a huge show off all the time? Being confident in his strengths enough to play with his enemies before winning against them is one thing, showing all his cards for the world to see just so he can win against them after they tried their hardest to defeat him is just incredibly stupid.)

(Does Verde have to be so straightforward and play by the book every time? Being the smartest in the room is one thing, walking out of the room alive because of it is another one entirely.)

------

A mission goes wrong and Reborn is dying, so Kawahira injects him with the Deus Ex Machina whatever-it- is, and he gains super healing.

And the super villains and every day villains are in for an entirely new level of Reborn wiping the floor with them lol.

(And yesI know, I’m shallow, but come on Reborn is too pretty to become half-ape, half-human.)

Reborn doesn’t go on the moon.

(They all turn eighteen and Kawahira isn’t even allowed to breathe in their direction anymore, let alone send them on the fucking moon.)

------

Fon is number three.

I have this headcanon he’s a bit of a manipulator, and uses his nice guy persona to wrap people around his finger.

Or he can be anyway, but it isn’t nowhere near in the first options he considers, because I also headcanon he’s genuinely a nice guy.

Anyway he doesn’t exactly hate his power, but he doesn’t trust it himself for shit, and wants to rely on it as little as possible.

So he also ends up a martial artist in this universe, and a very quiet guy.

(He remembers all too clearly what kind of words he can speak while under emotional stress.)

(The awful, horrible, haunting feeling of realizing even he can’t take them back.)

(Lal remembers it too.)

(Then Kawahira makes it so everyone forgets.)

(And Fon makes himself forget.)

------

Colonnello is number four.

Yeah I know, it could be Skull, but let’s go with him.

Reborn is number one but it’s Colonnello who’s daddy’s good little soldier boy.

For a very simple logic that goes like this: the more he behaves, the better he is at being and doing whatever Kawahira wants, the less traumatic encounters with his power he’s forced to have.

(Colonnello was never afraid of the dark, but then he’s thrown into the mausoleum again and again, and he never stops being afraid of the dark.)

So he doesn’t turn to drugs because he can’t afford to not be at the top of his game, but he does turn to Lal and her music.

If he closes his eyes and listens hard enough and it’s loud enough, he forgets the ghosts for as long as the music goes on.

------

On the other hand he can’t help having a bit of one-sided strained relationship with Reborn, with a lot more resentment than he’d want.

(Meaning zero because in an ideal world they’re best friends, and it’s really easy to tell the rare times when Kawahira isn’t looming above their relationship.)

It’s not even like he can’t see where Reborn is coming from, taking a stand against Kawahira and defying them and crossing the line further and further each time (of course he does), but he really could do without the collective punishment.

All in all, number four is doing very good, while Colonnello is doing very bad, and maybe does become an addict as soon as he doesn’t have to play superhero anymore.

------

Viper is number five.

They’re very happy with their teleportation power, and is right there with Colonnello in being daddy’s obedient child until they can hightail it the hell out of there.

Kawahira is very invested in their training and making them take the next big step with their powers.

Viper is smart so they know of the possibility of them being able to time-travel, but no surrogate A+ parenting dad is getting them in no time-travel shenanigans, nu-uh, they don’t think so.

 But then a mission goes wrong, and instead of the little jump back a few minutes in time they wanted to do, they jump in the future.

They keep jumping in the future as they try to go back, and oh, look at this, the end of the fucking world.

And his siblings’ dead bodies.

And a very alive, adult Skull??

(This is such a relief.)

(Skull is so happy to see them again.)

------

Something goes wrong when they try to jump back to the present, and only Viper makes it back.

In their thirteen year old body, because stopping a goddamned apocalypse isn’t enough to deal with already.

Their siblings are useless and no help and broken and very traumatized dysfunctional adults and alive, and they’re so, so happy to see them again.

(If they tear up and cry a bit later when they’re alone, that’s no one business.)

They hug (only) Skull, to no one surprise, and keep hugging, which does surprise everyone, and Skull may have written that book but he’s no monster and it’s Viper, so he hugs back.

(Of course he does.)

Viper still doesn’t know he’s immortal.

(Because Skull is a dumbass and kept waiting for the right moment, and what do you know, it never showed up, but to be fair with him they had a lot to deal with.)

------

No number six even though I do like the Ben, and dead!Ben, and ghost!Ben storylines.

But it there was a number six, I guess it could be either Skull or Viper maybe?

------

Luce is number seven as in she’s the most OP of them all. Not in a “raw strength” sense of course, but seeing the future?

I think Byakuran demonstrated perfectly how OP a power it is if you’re willing to weaponized it.

She doesn’t see the end of the world coming (where would be the fun if she did?), or at least doesn’t understand it’s the end of the world she’s seeing, and not just some big scale catastrophe.

She is not daddy’s good girl even though he shows a particular interest in her power, but he can go fuck himself actually.

She’s a bit of a number four too as in she hates her power, and it certainly gives her her fair share of nightmares.

It’s a special kind of gut wrenching feeling to see when and how people will die, and not always being able to save them even if she wants to.

(Nothing terrifies Luce more than when she sees her siblings in her visions.)

------

Skull is also number seven as in he’s the ordinary one who’s actually the most extraordinary of them all.

They just never figure out he’s immortal because Kawahira doesn’t push them that far in training, and he doesn’t go on missions.

He’s shunned and isolated by everyone, except for Viper and, hear me out, Luce.

Viper is afraid of heights, and maybe it shouldn’t matter because of the “jump” way their teleportation works, but sue them it does and they can’t help it.

Skull is the only one who takes the time to help them with that in another way that isn’t telling them to get over it, or making them dangling over edges.

Their friendship starts from there.

------

Luce on the other hand approaches him for selfish reasons.

Skull is the safe sibling, the one if she were ever to see his death, she can only hope it won’t be a too brutal one (or a brutal one at all).

But then, well. Skull is Skull, and he’s fun to be around with and funny, and he’s so good at keeping you out of your own head and thoughts, and he is such a breath of fresh air from her usual, unbearable routine, and—

He’s better than her at keeping his resentment and envy of her extraordinariness at bay than she is at doing the same with his ordinariness, and she’s so grateful he doesn’t push her away for it.

------

Skull is still very much treated like dirt, and he rolls with it as best he can.

Mostly because being left out of this whole extraordinary superheroes stuff lets him see how truly fucked up it is.

Skull is the one who wakes up at night not because he can’t sleep, but because the others can’t, and they don’t always manage to be silent about it.

He’s the one who sees them coming back from missions injured like no children should ever be, who assists Kawahira during their training and has to help them up at the end of it because they can’t move anymore.

He’s the one who watches them never really growing close with each other as much as he is the only one shunned, because Kawahira only has enough favors in him for only one of them.

Except he doesn’t even have that of course.

Skull is the only one who hasn’t blood on his hands, and he always feels guilty and awful at how relieved and lucky he feels whenever he sees that look in their eyes.

So he rolls with it, but not quietly, and forcefully makes himself a place among them even if it’s only to be their Lackey, because these guys are in dire need of ordinariness, no matter what Kawahira made them believe.

No matter what Kawahira made him believe.

It doesn’t work a lot of times, and only work a little when it does, but it’ll have to do.

Skull of course still hurts and is forced into his own traumatic childhood, so he still writes the book.

------

Skull figures out he’s immortal as soon as he’s left alone into adulthood because he is a dumbass.

The others learn about it because Luce saw the vision of his first death, and they were quite literally there to stop it from happening.

But instead they saw him coming back to life.

They don’t talk about it.

(None of them are in the right head space to talk about it).

And then they’re back at having no contact between them until the next time Luce has a vision of his death.

(Because he’s immortal now, but what if he’s not anymore?)

(Skull is so sorry of this new layer of fucked up he added to Luce’s visions.)

It’s very awkward when Viper comes back and tells them Skull is the only one who survived the apocalypse though they don’t know how, and they have to break the news to them.

------

Lal is also number seven as in she’s the one being medicated to keep her powers at bay.

She’s The White Violin, if only because one of them needs the raw strength and ability in their power to blow up the moon lol.

Lal is extraordinary until she isn’t.

She’s thirteen, and the mission goes wrong, and she’s losing control of her powers, and Fon says some unfortunate words.

Then Kawahira makes him say other unfortunate words, and Lal never has been extraordinary.

(Because she’s too powerful, and he’s trying to keep the world turning, not end it whenever she’ll feel too strongly too much.)

Her relationships with the others kind of fall short because it kind of feels hollow/shallow now, and she ends up isolated too.

But because of their respective unique circumstances, Skull and her unfortunately never bond.

Colonnello and her stays close, because if Lal can be useful with her music that way, she’s more than happy to do it.

And on an entirely unrelated note, I really like the idea of musician!Lal actually.

------

Sepira is Mom.

Yeah I know, the similarities with Luce would be very obvious, but let’s pretend it wouldn’t be.

And they don’t have a chimpanzee uncle, but they do have pets from that one time they gang together against Kawahira.

But they never said what kind of pets they wanted to have lol.

------

So it goes something like this:

Number One: Reborn – Super Strength and Super Healing

Number Two: Verde – Either The Smartest Man In The World or controlling the trajectory of weapons (while still being the smartest man in the world even if it isn’t in the “super” way), or both

Number Three: Fon – The Rumor

Number Four: Colonnello – The Seance

Number Five: Viper – The Child

Number Six: Luce – The Prophetess

Number Seven: Lal – The White Violin The (Extra)Ordinary One

Number Eight: Skull – The Immortal The Ordinary One

*

I actually have AUs of this AU, but let’s not make myself too comfortable in this hole lol. Hope you enjoyed it, and feel free to add!

.Woo a rare piece of writing!

The story of how my Goblin found her God

Grit had imbedded deep into the skin of her cheek, the sting only flaring to life after she lifted her head from the ground. Every motion was slow, the weight of each limb lifted like a crucifix. All at once, memories of her situation flooded back, and she reached her fingers shakily to her throat.

It wasn’t neat, but the stitching held firm, the way her neck held together at the cut uncomfortably familiar to lips pressed shut.

Wakley knew the protocol for recovery after significant blood loss, and was forever scolding her clanmates for not following it, but now in their place she understood their frustrations just a little more. The slow rise, checking for broken bones, the immediate thought of how badly she wanted a drink. Could she even safely drink with her wound? If it was somebody else she’d sedate them and check to see if the esophagus had sustained damage, but alas, she was alone.

Oh.

Oh no.

Scrambling up with a sudden feverish dread, it took two blackened dizzy spells to finally stand up straight, though the wall remained her crutch. One hand steading her balance, another gripping her midsection to quell the nausea rising inside like a boiling kettle, she edged forward. Head low, steps small, anxiety high. It was just a small walk. One tiny, insignificant walk to the main cave from the ramshackled office she’d spent the last 14 years in. Her little sanctum from a loud and socially strange world, her haven to practice her craft and passion. All of that meaningless. Right now, she just had to reach the main cave and see with her own eyes, prove to her screaming mind, that they were all still-

The world froze around her.

Wakley felt every facet of her body give up but her heart. It was suddenly the coldest cave in the world, with an ocean of weight pressing down on her, holding her still while her heart pumped as if she was giving chase. The faintest, most pitiful exhale left her body.

Blood splattered the walls, leaving behind grotesque silhouettes of those who’d died against them. Bodies littered the floor in a mosaic of death, piled on top of each other as if they were but nothing but fire kindling. Some still clutched their weapons, mighty warriors to the end. But most did not. Most did not carry weapons when they felt safe at home. No. Most lay with the confusion and terror frozen onto their faces, forever held in a perpetual nightmare. The elders. The children. There was no need to check the nursery, she heard no cries.

It took that realisation of just how silent it was to drop Wakley to her knees. Behind the cracked glasses, her eyes widened and widened again, as if trying to see beyond this obvious viel. There was no way they’d killed the whole clan. They couldn’t have- it was just one adventuring party; one elf, one human, one dwarf and one halfling. How could they have slaughtered the entire clan? WHY did they slaughter the entire clan?

Weakly, she turned her gaze to the right. The boulder hiding the hidden hoard lay split in two, scorch marks on its surface. Of course. Treasure. They’d wanted their treasure, and felt within their right to eviscerate the goblins who guarded it.

78 gold pieces and a pocket watch.

Her world had been laid to waste over 78 gold pieces and a pocket watch.

She only realised she’d been screaming when her stitches felt tight, but couldn’t stop. Hot tears ran down her cheeks as she gripped the fabric of her tunic, trying to wrench the breaking heart from her chest before it killed her. The wailed and beat her fist to the floor, cursing the world. A world where now, the only person who knew who she was, was herself.

In the throws of sorrow and grief unknown to most, hands took her own. She shrieked, falling backwards and scrambling away, frantically looking for the stranger. Was it the party, not content to leave a single survivor? A clanmate, delighted at her presence?

No. She was still alone, the terrified breathing echoing off of hollow walls.

Again, as she slowed her movement, hands up to protect herself, she felt the presence again. Hands, large, gently taking hers in its own. She saw no vision, but heard sorrowful breathing, smelt the scent of dried blood, felt the change in air as someone much larger than yourself stands closeby.

Breath now slowing, tears flowing less freely, Wakley looked up at her invisible companion, and watched red ropes slowly take form. They wrapped around an unseen body, binding them in constricted, painful ways. The ropes snaked down assumed arms, coalescing at the hands. Though she saw no knuckles or fingers, the ropes clearly knotted around the palms, knitting the wrists together like shackles. Still, despite the bonds, they held her with a gentleness she’d never known before.

At last, she stood, the spider web of red rope before her guiding her upwards. Fear still hung beneath the surface, grief in the corners of her eyes. But through the pain sat something new. A tug at her chest. Looking down, nothing was there but blood stains. Yet. Looking at her companion, she knew a rope now bound to him.

“I’m sorry.” Spoke the voice of Ilmater, The Broken God.

Tears thickened his words.

“I’m so, so sorry.”

___

Wakley had grieved before. Being the only doctor in her clan had meant holding a lot of loved ones as they died, but that had been different. They’d had the comfort of a group of friends, loved ones, lovers, people who cared. They’d either died as great warriors, or defenders, or parents, or simply as those who had lived. No comfort could be found in the massacre around her. Each face scorched into the back of her mind as she dragged them towards the pile. It took four days.

Her bag was already packed before she lit the flame. Her tools, her medicines, her scrapbook of preferred medical texts. The precious, beautiful PHD sat corked in a bottle, a spare shirt wrapped protectively around it.

She’d not expected any closure from walking away from an inferno, but knowing she’d never look back ever again made her long for it. Her climb upwards was tough- Wakley had never held strength of any physical kind, always relying on her kin to help her where muscles failed. More than once she simply lay down, weeping, deciding death was more merciful. But she pressed forward, pulled upwards by a tug inside that was growing ever more familiar.

Daylight burned her eyes as she squinted at her new beginning. The difference was upsettingly stark. Soft green grass swayed peacefully in a sweet, springtime breeze. Gentle buzzing insects were heard but not seen, crinkling treetops peppering the air with yellow pollen.

No red.

It would be a long time before she adjusted to walls not being red, she wagered.

Now uptop, Wakley sat on the soil and let herself adjust. She could feel her skin already prickling under the rays of the sun- having never truly left the underground. Again, she would adjust. For all this misery was like tar on her soul, her mind remained ever clear. Grief would not kill her. Sorrow, despair and anger would torture her, but could never kill her. Even things that TRIED to kill her couldn’t seem to kill her. Once more, her fingers gingerly felt the stitching at her neck. Why hadn’t that elf cut deeper? Was it because she was small? Because she wore glasses? Because she begged?

“Whys’ get you nowhere” She thought, pushing off a knee to her feet.

“There’s no reason to try rationalising the actions of others” she said to noone, walking forward.

“And there’s definitely no point wondering what I could have done differently” she confirmed, nodding her head as she found a pathway away from the cave entrance.

“All I can do is use walking time to walk, and resting time to rest.”

Wakley stopped walking.

“...”

Her grip on the bag tightened as everything from her throat down to her stomach felt sour.

“But… But what if I don’t want to?” she whispered, shoulders shivering.

As if waiting by her side for just this question, the red bound hands rested gently at her back. Not pushing her forward, merely letting her know he was there.

“Then you can sit.” The voice remained thick, cracked with winces and hitched, painful breaths.

“Sit and weep and take comfort in your sorrow. You’ve earned the right to cry.”

Wakley wasn’t afraid. Rather, the more he spoke, the more she felt the knotted threat of thoughts in her mind untangle. None stopped being painful, but previously jumbled sentences slowly became clear as she listened.

“And once you have wept an ocean, you may weep another. Then-” the unseen hands drifted away, the presence moving silently from her side to her front, and Wakley knew he’d knelt to her level.

“Then, continue to move forward.”

So Wakley moved forward.

x Secrets of The Lake: The Company of Misery and Pain

{ Chapter 14 }

Summary: Vladimir Masters’ family tree has always been tainted by secrets swept under the rug. From generation to generation there have been countless reasons the Masters’ family had seemed to keep private from the public. Even to this day, Vladimir was no exception. But what was one to do when a restless spirit from the settlement years finally breaks free from restraints and demands you answer for your ancestor’s crimes? Vladimir doesn’t know. However, Clockworks does.

Notes: We just having fun, rewriting some of the canon, new adventure new characters. I will apologize now for any grammar, spelling, weird sentence structuring in advance. My brain writes faster than my fingers and even when I go back through to reread it I still miss things. Sorry about that!

Word Count: 8024

P.s: This is so broke on tumblr so if you choose to read this on ao3 it will be a lot better qwq 

Vladan felt his heart start to beat again moments ago when he left the town square, rushing to get home and make sure Tayonna was safe. He had heard the whispers, the rumours, the stories of a man in the town cursed by a black witch to be her slave. He heard it from the young maidens the gossip near his stall as they peaked over their shoulders to look at him. His fist was clenched tight but he wore his polite face continuously as he greeted customers anyway. He heard the way the children would gasp as they lifted their fingers towards him but their mothers quickly shooed them away in a panic. 

Then he heard the mention of killing the witch and that was enough to put him on edge. Vladan tried his best to keep himself composed and not lash out demanding who spoke ill of him. He knew if he did it would only further their whispers and nor he or Tayonna would be safe. However he would neither stand around for the rest of the day listening to their words, especially if they were not gentlemen enough to do it out of his face, he was disgusted. 

When the last customer of the day wandered away with their goods. Vladan quickly set to work, closing his stall and loading his wagon up with what was leftover for the day. He didn’t care that the profit was unusually low, what he wanted more than anything was to get home. When he was finally prepared to depart he drove the horses with haste, as he weaved through those on the street he didn’t fail to see the glowing green eyes that watched him like prey.

Lady Spelltra, dressed in dark reds that almost went black, fanned herself with a smirk pulling at her lips. Vladan had known it had to be her. Anger filled him but he was no beast to ever lash out at a woman without real proof. Nor was he a fool to do so to the judge’s daughter of all people. As he finally made it to the clearing of dirt roads that went north of the town, he whipped for the horses to pick up speed. 

Vladan didn’t have to turn his head to hear the patter of hoofs that trailed behind him. They weren’t good at hiding nor were they good at making sure he wouldn’t be able to notice he was being followed. The town was not made up of the best British soldiers, only the ones that did enough to get by. They should have taken better notes from the Germans instead of relying on their French relatives.

Vladan tsked and whipped the horses again to pick up the pace so he could have time to warn Tayonna. He knew she wouldn’t be in the house, she was always outside or near the door to greet him. To welcome him on with love and warmth and her bright eyes and smile. But there would be none of that, he hoped she would at least be behind the house to give them both time, or he hoped by the small chance she would actually be inside.  

When he rounded the bend and tucked off into another dirt road he could see the clouds parted above his home bathing in the set of the sun. Vladan groaned and tried to think of an excuse for when the townies arrived at his home with a false ‘checking on you’ he would have a good enough reason to why, in a very gloomy part of the colony, did the sun shine down so brightly. By the greatness of God! Could you believe that, must be his appreciation for the great German people! Vladan joked in his head but quickly whooshed it away as he made it up to the last dirt stretch between his house and the road. He jumped from his wagon and ran the rest of the way trying to find Tayonna. He spotted her by the front garden kneeling down with plants in her hands.

“Tayonna!” Vladan called out breathlessly and panting as he finally made it closer to the house. He was so relieved to see her but the panic set back in when he realized they were still in danger. The girl rose to her feet and turned around with a giant smile to greet him. When she saw how alarmed he was she walked towards him with her hand stretched out to comfort him. Vladan yelled at her no and swiped in the air for her to go. 

“You have to run, Tayonna! They are following me, get away from here and don’t come back until you think it’s safe or I come for you. Go, hurry!” Vladan yelled and Tayonna dropped everything and picked up her skirt and took off towards the edge of the forest. Vladan stayed put to make sure Tayonna was able to escape. When the girl was out of sight Vladan could then hear the front door open as two of his other servants peaked out and also the slowing of running horses. Vladan finally caught his breath and straightened out his back , he locked eyes with the servants and nodded towards them and they knew what that meant. They walked out and stood beside him as Vladan slowly turned and put on a stoic face. The archbishop, the town's mayor, and of course the judge himself rose from their horses and walked down the dirt path.  

“Good Sirs, what brings you so far from the town?” Vladan forced his politeness as he bowed his head and his servants followed suit.

“Sir Mægisters, we believe you are unwillingly harbouring a witch.” The judge stepped forward with his hands behind his back and a dark, deep scowl on his face. Vladan swallowed and took a deep breath before slowly turning his head towards the forest. It felt like time had suddenly stopped and the air around him became dense as his vision only tunnel towards where Tayonna had gone. His body began to shake and his breath became hard and laboured as he huffed and puffed through his mouth. The air then turned hot and flames started to grow from the ground. The forest began to go up in flames and Vladan’s eyes widened as fear of the very worst pushed to the forefront. He felt this voice stuck in his throat but it burned to be let out. He tried to move but every fibre in his body turned in slow motion. Finally, as if on his last breath, he screamed as he watched the flames turn from red to a toxic fuchsia.

“Tayonna!” 

Vlad's eyes shot open and he sharply sat up as a burning sensation roasted in his throat. He hadn’t even opened his mouth but it felt as if he had been yelling for hours non-stop. He was too shaken up to move any part of him and just panted heavily as he looked forwards towards the wall. He hadn’t had the dream since this whole thing started, now he knew what was being said and why Tayonna ran away, but he never remembered there ever being a fire. 

As a matter of fact there was never a fire, it wasn’t real, but it felt so real. And in that dream in those last few seconds, he felt hopeless. No. Vladan felt hopeless, these were all Vladan’s memories and nightmares. Vlad was not Vladan and damn sure was not going to start having an identity crisis all of a sudden. Finally, Vlad felt his body become his body and he brought a hand up to his face to cradle it. He took another deep breath then pushed his hair back and out of his face. 

A red mist rose from Vlad’s part lips and he quickly turned towards the left when he felt the energy of someone in his room. Tayonna stood at his bay windows staring out towards the night sky. He took note that she was in her ghost form and was wrapped in a purple shawl he had never seen before. She didn’t wear her sad expression but more so a stoic and unbothered one. 

“Why are you in my room?” Vlad’s voice broke a bit as the sting in his throat made it difficult to speak. Tayonna turned from the window and her eyes dug holes into Vlad. Her eyes glowed green from her ghostliness but also from the moon that hung higher in the sky but lower towards the earth. Vlad wasn’t going to ask her again but he knew if she didn’t answer him here soon he wouldn’t be too kind to send her on her way for invading his space. Tayonna looked back towards the sky then sighed then shook her head.

“He called for me,” Tayonna lowered her head then slowly faded away in the air and out of Vlad’s room. His senses told him she was completely away from him and Vlad could only groan and fall back into his bed. Vlad knew he wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep now. He knew it would be the air of staring up at his ceiling counting black sleep as the sun slowly rose that he would feel the pull of his eyes. Luckily for him, four hours of sleep were enough to keep him going. 

Vlad felt so out of place as the days filtered by one by one. The week had already started again with Monday sending him off to work at a different company he owned. Everything for the most part seemed in place but yet, Vlad felt like he was operating on autopilot and just allowing what was left of his consciousness to do his day for him. After hours he would drive home expecting an empty house, however, even if Tayonna wasn’t around he knew she was there. They wouldn’t speak other than when Vlad was being polite and or when Vlad was telling her something she shouldn’t do while he would rush out. Honestly, he felt no need to remind her to behave, she hardly did anything except ghost around his home and then settle herself in his garden. Even in the late hours when dinner was served she would stay outside leaning against the statue spinning a flower in her hand.

Vlad didn’t really try to make an effort to speak to the girl either. Though it would have been nice to have some decent conversation, he held his tongue and went about as if she wasn’t there. What was the point when the few times he did talk to her it was to ask a question about her problem that left them both in weird feelings. Vlad very much preferred not feeling a false romantic intimacy towards the girl. Luckily for him, the voice in his ear had also been silent the past couple of days which brought joy to Vlad for having his mind to himself. 

The only time it seemed that the voice and the person it belonged to seemed to surface a bit was when Vlad became curious about Maddie. One evening while enjoying soft music playing from his radio and a drink, he thought of how lovely dance with Maddie would have been. Within a matter of seconds, his head was hurting and he could hear incoherent grumbling echoing around him. Vlad felt rather silly screaming out shut up to no one during the dead of the night.

During the busy week Vlad tried to keep up with his personal public affairs. Kate hadn’t gotten much done due to the state libraries in Pennsylvania being closed for construction. That meant she wouldn’t be able to do much except enjoy a few vacation days with Jackson till she was able to report back to him.

“Don’t worry, Sir, we won't drive the company bankrupt.” Kate snicker then hangs up and Vlad would only shake his head and get back to work. 

When he tried to reach out to Dani, the teen would keep up the small talk but would end it quickly when someone called her name or Vlad figured out she was sneaking out of the Fenton house again. Surely Vlad couldn’t think of a good enough reason why the girl was sneaking around doing stuff but a part of him told him not to pressure her to tell him. Instead, Vlad sends a text to Danny telling him to keep an eye on his young cousin. Danny would only respond with an emoji. Personally, Vlad found that disrespectful considering he wrote out a full message. A single emoji. A thumbs up emoji at that, Danny could at least say okay and Vlad would have taken it. Guess that was just his age talking, Vlad would never be caught up with the youth of the world.

At night when the house became sound of sleep and Vlad would have a dream and found himself awakened and unable to sleep. He would find Tayonna in his room once more standing and facing the window. She would never turn towards him nor acknowledge him. The few times Vlad actually paid her more than a glance he would see her lips moving but could never hear what she was saying. Tayonna would stand at the window for the same amount of time it took Vlad to go back to sleep, then she was gone. Sometimes that wouldn’t be until the sun started to peek over the horizon and Vlad had made it obvious he was getting up for the day. She still wouldn’t say anything and faded away in thin air. He had asked her the third night why she kept creeping in and she only huffed and mumbled something about ‘he is so loud’ before slipping through the side of the house towards the garden.  

What was the point? If she wasn’t bothering him then he would allow her to stand there and talk to herself, it's not like if she left he would be able to sleep. It wouldn’t, he would still be staring up at the white ceiling sighing annoyingly. At least she was some else to look at. At times when the dreams were a bit out of hand Vlad was glad to see her standing there even if she wasn’t helpful. He didn’t feel alone, especially when he knew that she knew what was going on. Like a child waking up from a nightmare about the monster under their bed but the night light was a safety beacon. Tayonna served as Vlad’s safety beacon of understanding the nightmares, just like Danny did with understanding the halfa business. It was lacklustre and a bit bland but Vlad would smile gently as he saw her there and sometimes that was enough to roll over and actually fall back asleep. There were never dreams afterwards, Vlad would dream of nothing and he was okay with that. 

But sometimes when he dreamt of nothing it felt like an out of body experience and he was still somewhat awake. He could feel the gentle swipe of a hand across his face and it eased him.When Saturday made its round again Vlad didn’t feel like going golfing and preferred to go home. He didn’t even bother looking around as he ghosted through his front door and shrugged off his suit jacket to hang up. He kicked off his shoes without unlacing them, which on another day would have bothered him, but today he just didn’t care. He pushed at the buttons of his button up and loosen his tie as he walked towards the kitchen for a snack. 

He turned his arm invisible and reached through the fridge to pull out one of Dani’s Gogurts. He knew it was childish but he had to indulge himself at least once a month. No harm no foul when no one worth keeping up an image for was around. Vlad was about to head towards the living room and turn on the tv until he heard talking coming from the sliding doors. He slowly walked over and looked through the glass towards the normal spot Tayonna would sit. He couldn’t actually see if she was there due to the angle but he could see the top of her head popping in and out of sight as she moved.  

He didn’t feel like walking out so he stood by the door and used his enhanced senses to try and make out what she was doing. Though she was a bit out of his hearing range he could still make out she was speaking in German. Angrily speaking at that, she was grumbling about wanting something, and of course Vladan, but some words Vlad couldn’t make out because they were older German words he never learned. 

Thank those above Vlad took German in college and had an overseas company in Germany, or else he would be stuck at square one if Tayonna ever fuck right off with English. Vlad didn’t care to continue listening if all the girl was going to do was complain, he could listen to himself do that if he really wanted. Vlad scoffed and turned on his feet only to hear the sound of paper hitting the floor. He sighed and kneeled down to pick up Clockwork calling card and read it.

“Anger with others festers in ourselves, acting upon it will drive us insane.” - CW

 Vlad felt the sudden urge to go down to his basement and invent something that could rip a hole in space and time to create a portal straight into Clock’s lair and ask him what the hell this meant. Always with the vagueness! Vlad was now starting to understand why Danny either loved and bragged about how amazing clockwork was, or bitch him out about Clockwork loving to take a jab at him every chance he got. Truly those with masterful minds were annoying. And that was coming from Vlad himself. 

Vlad crumpled up the card and threw it away as he exited out of the kitchen and towards the living room. Saturday meant a football game or something sports related would be on. Vlad just wanted to enjoy his Gogurt (and maybe another one) and cheer for whoever was winning. And that’s how the week ended with Vlad getting a little too into a hockey match between two states he actually never been to. 

“How did you forget?” Vlad didn’t need to see Danny to know the young man was rolling his eyes. He could hear the slight annoyance in his voice and for once Vlad did feel bad for causing it.

“To be fair I do have a ghost lurking around my house while also trying to keep face with my companies. I promise it was not intentional and if I did happen to forget until the day of, I would have hurried over in good nature to embarrass you as I had planned.” Vlad shrugged and smirked as he heard Danny grumble a ‘fuck off’ so he wouldn’t he heard by his parents. Vlad did feel bad though, he forgot Danny’s graduation was this coming Wednesday and it was already Monday afternoon. 

Surprisingly, it wasn’t Jack nor Maddie that had invited Vlad to the graduation, Danny himself hand delivered the invite two months ago. Vlad felt his heart flutter with warmth at the realization that Danny really did see him as much more than ‘that old man that tried to steal my mom, kill my dad, and adopt me in one day’. Vlad also knew it had to be Dani that pushed for Danny to do it and Vlad was forever grateful for her. But Vlad did become busy with other things and time seemed to slip away from him. Almost like a cruel joke made up by someone to give Vlad more than he could chew.

“No embarrassing me, just show up and be cool and don’t gather any further attention to yourself. The last thing I need is someone thinking I’m about to get an expensive car or something.” Danny sighed.

“Oh, so you don’t want the car?”

“You got me a car?!” Danny's voice cracked as it rose an octave and Vlad let out a chuckle of delight.

“No, I didn’t, but if you had wanted a car I’m sure that would have been a cheaper gift than what Danielle and Miss Way put together.” Vlad rolled his eyes remembering the two week expensive getaway he booked weeks ago for Danny and Co. to go on next Monday to Florida. Dani had told him she overheard Danny wanting to go to the Kennedy Space Center, Tucker wanting to go to the Humpy Dumpy anniversary concert, and Sam mentioning she wanted to see the sea life. Or was it to set it free? Vlad couldn’t remember but he knew he mindlessly said yes and passed the information to Kate. The horror when Vlad woke up the next morning to see he had just paid for something labeled under ‘a good time’. Kate had a wicked way of pranking her boss he wasn’t too sure he could live through. Good thing he was already half dead.

“D-Do I want to know?” Danny knew there was no weaselling out of whatever expensive gift Vlad got him. The man thrived off showboating and Danny knew if he told the man no, whatever it was would triple and might even have his family involved. 

“That ruins all the hard work Danielle put into putting this all together.” Vlad leaned against his desk as he looked out the windows down to the busy city of Amity. It was mid evening and some people had just gotten off work. Vlad looked over to his clock and noted he had three hours left before he could go. He really craved a bath and a strawberry shortcake right about now.

“Suuuure, whatever, but still no embarrassing me Wednesday and also no flirting with my mom.” Both halfas grew quiet on the phone as an awkward silence washed over them. Vlad hasn’t tried to flirt openly with Danny’s mother in two years. Sure he still thought of her but he had learned to keep that to himself. He even told Danny he was over her, which was only half true to the point Vlad wasn’t obsessed anymore just...admirable. “Sorry, bad habits die hard,” Danny whispered and cleared his throat. Vlad only sighed and nodded to himself.

“They die hard for some, not for others, at least you didn’t say kill your father.” Vlad chuckled to himself. Honestly, since coming out as halfas and actually reconnecting with the Fentons, Vlad found himself back to his old ways with Jack. They were advancing at a constant pace towards who they used to be. But Vlad refused to do the old college battle call, they were adults now, middle aged, he was not going to scream at the top of his lungs.

Danny laughed, a little snort even fell out which made Vlad chuckles deepen, “Nah, I think you guys are fine. Besides if you did I would tell dad you totally wanted to go camping in the raw wilderness and sleep on the cold hard ground.”

“You wouldn’t dare.” Oh how Vlad despised the rawest form of camping, he liked nature just nothing about it that would cause him discomfort. Going camping like wild men was very displeasing. Vlad could hear Danny pull away from the phone and greet his father from wherever he came from and Vlad felt his heart run cold. He wasn’t in the mood to listen to Jack ramble, becoming friends again or not, now wasn’t a good time. Nor did he want Danny to tell Jack he wanted to go camping. 

“You got lucky, fruitloop, Dad only came in to get a snack and left.” Danny snickered.

“I despise you,” Vlad dramatically responded and Danny let out a ‘ha!’

“Oh hey, Plasmius when did you get on the phone?” The two laughed for a bit before Danny spoke again. “But seriously, don’t forget and don’t be late, I’ll cry to my mom how I trusted you and you let me down and she’ll give you her disappointed mom look.”

“I will not be late, scout’s honour.”

“Yeah, yeah, scout’s honour, bye Vlad.”

“Goodbye, Daniel.”

Vlad couldn’t remember the last time he had been to a graduation and not been a part of it. Casper High School was not the only high school in amity, during Vlad’s mayor duties his springs were filled with giving speeches at several graduation events spread out from May to June. Having to now sit on the football bleachers and wait for god knows how long for everyone to take their seats then wait another hour for the graduates to come out made Vlad restless. Maybe a suit wasn’t his best choice, his butt started to hurt from sitting on metal. Luckily, or maybe not, Vlad was far from being bored as Jack and Maddie told him crazy stories from Danny’s childhood. Of course Jack made sure they all sat together, including Sam and Tucker’s family, as much as the Manson’s didn’t want to. Vlad couldn’t help but laugh at Jeremy and Pamela’s discomfort every time Jack drugged them into a conversation. While the other adults talked amongst each other about their children’s goals and accomplishments. Vlad's eyes wander off to see where his responsibility ran off to. 

As soon as he arrived Dani was already away from the group chatting with friends that were in the band or happen to be the younger siblings of Danny’s peers. Vlad could only imagine the day of Dani’s graduation, he was already so proud of her being able to not only control her powers but also find her own personality. She never allowed the fact of how she was created deter her away from making something of herself. 

Now that she got from the Fentons and Vlad could admit he was envious of it. He also couldn’t lie to himself he missed having her at home, who else was going to put chocolate syrup in his coffee as they slept walk in the morning? He finally spotted Dani down on the first row of bleachers with a group of her friends. One of them seems to have caught Vlad looking and got Dani’s attention and pointed. A few of them yelled hello and Vlad simply waved back and nodded. Dani covered her face in her hands and Vlad smiled knowing she was likely saying they were embarrassing her. 

Just then Dani’s band friends were called back to their seats and began to play as teachers and staff walked across the stage and waved before taking their seats. When the song came to an end the speeches before the graduates started to introduce and welcome everyone. Jack and Maddie were already standing on their toes with banners with Danny’s face and name on them. After the two speakers, the music began again and the graduating class began to walk out in a single file line to the rows of chairs on the field. Vlad could never remember the names of any of Danny’s peers no matter how many times in the past he caused an issue. They were all just kids barely caring about their education and more about popularity. 

All those kids had grown up and were about to breach into their twenties either getting jobs or going to college. Vlad hoped that as they got older they would be better people, but who was he kidding, only some of them could even spell the word mature. Except for the Baxter boy, Danny always complained about, who was currently throwing up hand signs and sticking out his tongue as he waved to the crowd. Somehow the whole football team had last names that sat them all together. Vlad could only imagine how well thought out that was when the staff realized the chaos. It didn’t take Danny long to be seen in the line of students since he was closer to the front of the alphabet.

“That’s my baby!”

“Danny-Oh!” Vlad knew his friends wouldn’t be able to handle themselves when they saw their baby boy. They had done the same thing when Jazz graduated from what Danny told Vlad. It was Jazz who had to get her parents to sit back down so they weren’t being too much of a nuisance the whole ceremony. Tucker was only five people behind Danny and the boys kept shooting glances at each other. Tucker held up his phone and Danny nodded. As the line continued Vlad realized Sam wouldn’t be anywhere near her friends.  

Out of the 137 children graduating, Sam would be placed two rows behind her friends and somehow right next to Paulina, guess the school didn’t have many students with n-r as a last name. From what Danny said Sam and Paulina had just recently put their past aside and found themselves actually forming a friendship. Danny had also let it slip that Paulina may have developed a crush on Sam and that would explain why Paulina was twirling her finger through her hair.

Someone should have told Vlad that sitting on the other side of a graduation was outrageously boring. Speech after speech, thank you after thank you, the new mayor had no favour and was downright bland. Vlad had hoped the valedictorian and salutatorian would have fun speeches, but nope, they were just as boring. Vlad couldn’t stop the yawn that escaped his lips, it quickly turned into a red mist and Vlad shut his mouth. Dani seemed to have noticed and leaned over.

“Really? Today of all days?” Vlad saw Dani’s fist clasp and her about to stand up to take off and he quickly reached out and held his hand over hers and shook his head. Just then his phone beeped and he pulled it out of his pocket.

Daniel: Please tell me this is a joke >:T

Vlad: I’ll handle it.

Vlad slid his phone into his pocket and rose to his feet. He got the Fentons’ attention to tell them he was going to the bathroom but was going to be quick to not miss anything. They bought it (maybe all of them but Jazz, she saw his sense go off ) and Vlad excused himself but not before telling Dani to stay put. The last thing Vlad needed was the sporadic ghost hunters to rip the place apart out of rage for a ruined graduation. Vlad pardoned himself past families and walked down the stairs. He had to make this quick and find who or what set off his sense before they caused a scene. When Vlad made it to the ground he pushed past those who chose not to sit and made his way behind the bleachers. He was about to transform until he heard someone clear their throat towards him. Vlad quickly turned around and saw nothing but red eyes glowing from the shadows.

“Well, well look what we have here,” from the shadows stepped out Spectra in her human form fixing up her hair and double checking herself in the mirror. “Here to enjoy the misery as well? Or were you actually enjoying Danny’s big day?” The female ghost chuckled to herself and batted her eyes.

“What are you doing here? Didn’t you have your fun here ages ago?” Vlad spat out and Spectra pouted then rolled her eyes

“Always straight to the point, seems like things never change. If you must know, I’m here for a quick spa treatment and goodies.” Spectra walked over to Vlad and circled him a few before placing her hands on his shoulders. When he shrugged her off she playfully threw her hands up. “Don’t worry I’m not here to cause any more trouble than there actually is.”

“Any more?” Vlad cocked a brow telling her to continue and Spectra’s eyes narrowed and she walked back towards him to hook her arm through his and pull him along towards the ceremony. Vlad was about to pull away until he heard whimpering coming through the speakers.

“He would have wanted to walk with his class one last time. He would have wanted to be here and I’m happy I’m able to do it for him.” A mother stood at the mic dressed in a cap and gown whipping her tears and shakenly accepting her son’s diploma. Vlad had forgotten all about the accent that happened to one of the football players a couple of months ago. He had died from a tumour in his brain that he had been fighting since Vlad was in office. 

It really shook the school to the core when his passing was announced. Vlad looked over to Spectra who was taking a big breath from the faint green clouds that formed around her. Like magic the wrinkles that happen to be on her face began to disappear and she became youthful. Her fiery hair burned back to life and her green eyes glowed like neon ectoplasm.

“Don’t look at me like that, I’m not feeding off the mother, just the handful of children who are still mourning,” Spectra smirked and fixed her hair in the mirror. Vlad could never understand why Spectra was so obsessed with her looks. Maybe it had something to do with who or what she was before her death. He never cared to ask her, he honestly never asked any of the ghosts their backstory. You weren’t supposed to get close to business unless it truly benefited you. Vlad learned that long ago when stepping into the political world. Vlad had done business with Spectra before and thought there were great benefits. That was until she’d crossed the line and Vlad made sure she was aware of it.

“Well since you’ve had your fix, you’ll be on your way.” Vlad pulled her arm back and tucked it behind his back while creating space between them. Spectra's happy go lucky mask seemed to melt away as Vlad kept cold towards her. He could almost see the way her smile twitched to stay upright.

“I said I was sorry and yet you still don’t forgive me?” Spectra fluttered her eyes and Vlad wanted to gag. Her charm had worked on him once but he was determined it would never work again.

“Your apologies are as empty as you are, and truly, there is nothing inside you that would amount to an actual apology.” Vlad gritted his teeth and turned away from her but when he looked forward Spectra was standing in front of him fixing her sunglasses.

“Oh, Plassy-”

“Never call me that.” Vlad felt his blood boil and the sparks in the palm of his hands start to ignite and he quickly calmed himself down.

“Fine, fine, but Plasmius I don’t really understand.” Spectra was quick on her feet and spun Vlad back around while pulling him in close just as Danny’s name was announced across the speakers. Vlad could hear Danny's parents losing their mind as their son awkwardly walked across the stage and got his diploma. The boy gave a quick wave to his family then down to Sam who too gave a cheer. “You used to want control over that boy, have him weak and begging under your boot to be taken under your wing. Then you wanted control over this town and that leaked into the Ghost Zone. Remember how excited you were to possibly sit on Pariah’s throne?” Vlad groaned and tried to pull away from Spectra until she turned his head towards the Fentons. “And then her. Everything about her was truly what you wanted. Then suddenly, poof! It was all gone and you were turning over a new leaf for “the better”.” Spectra finally let go of Vlad and made air quotations while rolling her eyes. Vlad said nothing, he honestly didn’t know what to say that wouldn’t be him threatening to kill her where she stood. He remembered all of that! But he also remembered how bitter and petty he was during all of it.

“That is the past, Spectra.” Vlad kept his cool even when he growled at her. She only smirked.

“Sure it is, but you have to admit when you came to me for help in your little games I did what I could.” Spectra walked close and only stood inches away from Vlad. He could feel her icy breath tickle his cheek and he pulled back. “I did what I could and then much more.” Spectra ran a finger up Vlad’s arm then caressed his cheek before sliding it down to his chest. Vlad felt his core shake and a burning feeling rise to his chest which caused the other to pull away. She shook her hand and cursed then pulled herself together. Vlad had no idea what that was but whatever it was he thanked and hoped it would keep her off him for the rest of their conversation. 

“I bet you miss that.” Spectra narrowed her eyes over her shades and winked.

“I don’t,” Vlad held up a finger and shot at Spectra’s feet to get her away from him. It worked but Spectra’s smile never fell and she continued to act as cool as ever. She shrugged then turned back towards the ceremony and narrowed her eyes wickedly. Vlad knew it was best not to ask her what she was thinking, he didn’t want to hear her voice any more than he had to. 

“He’s gotten so big and tall and stronger, maybe one day he’ll surpass you and you’ll be nothing but a faint memory. I know how much that weighs on you.” Vlad nearly shot the ghost down where she stood but she was quick to disappear with an echo of laughter. Vlad stomped his foot and turned away from where they were to go to the bathroom. He had to calm down and not allow that red headed vixen to play with his mind. She had already done that in the past and it left Vlad in a blind rage until he had her begging mercy before he ripped her apart. 

Why on earth did he think Spectra was ever a good ally, he wasn’t sure...actually he knew why but he didn’t want to admit it. Desperation made you do foolish things that haunted you in three inch red heels and red hair. He was sure he would never see her again but today seemed to be against him. After a few minutes of counting down from 30 and fixing his suit he rushed back out the door and towards his seat.

When Vlad sat down he held up a hand before Maddie or Jack could say anything, “Don’t worry I saw him walk, I was at the food hut in the nick of time. I’m so proud of him.” Jack only smiled and waved his banner back and forth, Maddie nodded and turned back towards the end of the students crossing. 

“What was it?” Dani leaned over towards her father and nudged him. Vlad sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose before shaking his head.

“Nothing, just some loose goops, everything is handled.” Vlad held his gaze with Dani to ensure her but he knew she could tell he was lying. With what just happened with Spectra he wanted nothing more to pull Dani into a hug but he knew that would only raise suspicions. For now Vlad only smiled and looked away from a very confused Dani.After the graduation and a lot of crying from the parents' parts, the freshly new graduates were asked where they wanted to go for dinner. When they (plus Dani) yelled nasty Burger Vlad found himself groaning with the Mansons like the rich they were. Surely they could have picked a much more appropriate place to eat besides the godforsaken nasty burger. But Danny was persistent and held his ground and eventually everyone huddled into their cars to drive over to nasty burgers. When everyone was seated the adults made it obvious they much rather be elsewhere. 

Well most of them except Jack who thought Nasty Burger was a wonderful idea. It didn’t take long for Sam’s parents to cut from the group when they saw how “ungodly” the food was and told Sam they would see her when she returned home. Jazz had to cut out due to her job and she apologized to her brother. Tucker’s parents were called in and apologized for leaving but they made sure to tell Tucker when he got home his big gift would be waiting for him. It wasn’t long into the waiting for drinks did Vlad enjoy a conversation with Jack and Maddie about their college days.

“Ay yo, Vladdie, you remember when we used to have nasty nacho nights and see who could get down the most without throwing up?” Jack laughed and nudged the much smaller man who almost fell out of his seat. Vlad caught himself and shook his head but he genuinely smiled and rolled his eyes.

“Oh how could I forget how you snorted nacho cheese then proceeded to shove five trays of chips into your mouth. Then you called Madeline to come help you to the bathroom because your brain was clogged.” Vlad twisted his finger on the side of his head like it was clogs. Jack let out a stomach full laugh and Maddie could help but follow along.

“Remember when you drunkenly stood outside Taco Hut Tony’s half naked at 1 am demanding tater tots?” Maddie pointed towards Vlad and the man became flustered in the face as he tried to hide himself. Both of the phantoms spun around from their booths with their mouths dropped and laughing. Vlad groaned and leaned down against the table to cover his head and face. The kids quickly turned back around and he could hear them telling the others. 

Jack slapped Vlad’s back which quickly knocked the man forward and out of breath. “Oh man that was crazy and then you started yelling in Russian. To this day I still don’t know what you were saying.” Jack wiped tears from his eyes and Maddie leaned in to make sure only they could hear her.

“He was yelling he would piss on the doors until Tony opened up.” Vlad thought he was surely going to fall over and die. Why in the world would she remember that?! He didn’t even remember that!

“You know Russian?” Vlad peaked up and shot Maddie a look. The red head shrugged and shook her hand sided ways up and down.

“Kinda sort of, my roommate was Ukrainian but her father was Russian. I learned a few things.” Maddie chuckled then turned towards Jack to spark up another conversation about their time in the lab when he made ghost stink bombs. Vlad on the other hand felt his blood run cold as he remembered all the love notes he had placed in her binder. When she found them he would play it cool like it wasn’t him who placed them there and would falsely read them to her. There was no doubt she would give them to her roommate when he wasn’t there to read them. Vlad felt like a schoolboy who had been caught but he didn’t want to confirm that with her. Vlad would just have to swallow that and hope it never got brought up. Vlad was ever so grateful the food finally came even though he did more so at poking at his than eating. 

After everyone was full, the family and kids packed up, paid, and headed out towards the parking lot to continue their conversations. Vlad was stuck in a vice grip on Vlad by the neck as the man spun him around doing the very obnoxious college battle call Vlad now grew to hate. Finally, he was let go and Vlad could feel his head spinning as he leaned over his car for balance.

“My apologies V-Man.” Jack gently rubbed his back.

“All is well...I think.” Vlad wasn’t sure if he's seeing double would ever stop or if he was going to have to have someone drive him home. When he regained his vision he felt a tug on his sleeve and turned to see Dani standing beside him. He excused himself from the Fentons and gave Dani his attention and the girl gave a soft smile.

“Can I come home tonight? Danny is going over Tucker’s with Sam and I don’t want to be stuck at home with Jazz trying to use me as a psycho experiment for her upcoming paper, no offence.” the youngest phantom rubbed her elbow and lowered her head and Vlad quickly reached out a hand to place on her shoulder.

“Danielle, you never have to ask to come home. You could have easily gotten in the car with me and I wouldn’t have said a thing.” Vlad rubbed her shoulder and Dani nodded before thanking him and running over to her cousins and telling them she was going home. When it was time to part ways, Maddie and Jack piled into the car with Danny and his friend’s and Dani got in the car with Vlad. As they drove off Dani sighed and looked out the window.“Is everything alright over there?” Vlad asked, never taking his eyes off the road.

“Y-yeah.” Dani mumbled out and Vlad automatically could assume what was the problem.

“I told you, there is nothing to worry about, she shouldn't be anywhere but the guest room when we get home. In the morning I will inform her of your arrival if you wish.” Vlad hoped his words would ease Dani just enough for the teen to trust him and it seemed to work. Dani pulled away from the window and crossed her arms as she thought for a moment then nodded. 

“Yeah, that would be cool. Thanks, dad.” Dad...she called him dad again and Vlad's heart fluttered with happiness. When they got home Vlad allowed Dani to walk in first and the young phantom quickly said goodnight and hurried to her room. Vlad took his time to settle in and made his way towards the kitchen back doors. It was late but he had to know whether or not Tayonna was lurking in the garden. When he peered out the door he couldn’t see any form of activity and he quickly floated upstairs to the bedroom hallway. He secretly stuck his head into Dani’s room when he heard her talking on the phone. He found her on her bed throwing a ball in the air and giggling. 

He wouldn’t overstay his welcome but he couldn’t help but become curious when he heard her tell someone she loved them. Pulling back into the hallway he knew he would have to get to the bottom of that. He walked down to the guest room and knocked on the door gently and waited for an answer. When he didn’t get one he ghosted through the door and looked around. Tayonna wasn’t there either and that concerned him a bit. 

He could go about trying to find her but the pull for sleep was nagging him and he could feel the endless string of yawns airing through his body. He pushed the thought of Tayonna away and went out the door and towards his bedroom. Vlad knew that no matter where she was when he woke up from another dream she would be standing there at his window and he didn’t have to worry. Vlad caught himself in mid-thought and snorted. He felt foolish for almost admitting he looked forward to seeing her.  

“She is not a guest that is welcomed, Vladimir, she is a ghost that is haunting you.” Vlad reminded himself as he slipped into his master bathroom for a shower.

A Reflection and an Apology

I do not know where to begin.

In my attempt to begin, I hope you are doing well and are in a good mental space. “Things” continue to be difficult during this time; it’s frigidly cold, and there are a multiplicity of reasons to not be okay lately, if that is the case for you.

I went MIA for a long while because I foolishly fell into a self-inflicted trap once my mental health seemed to be improving during the fall semester. I had fully convinced myself that I had no other advice to offer, I had no reason to heal thru typing my jumbled thoughts onto a computer screen, and that, my friends, was a mistake I deeply regret.

Once I had become fully adjusted to college life, I was felt truly comfortable and at ease. I involved myself in extra-curriculars, made a handful of friends, and started eating again. I remember telling my therapist at my last appointment before school that I would call her a month into the semester to check in, but I never dialed her number. I ghosted her all of first semester because it felt as if therapy was something for me to temporary utilize when I am not doing well, and I was doing, so what was the point?

A toxic part of my personality is that I choose to believe that I can solve all problems alone. In all aspects of my life, that has always been the case. Give me an issue--and I am quick to get my ass in gear and think of the most reasonable solution to execute. I was not cognizant at the time that this was playing a principal role in how I viewed my own “healing”. I was not relying on anyone else other than Carson to get better, and once I got to a convincing enough spot, I ran with it and gave myself a pat on the back. Gold star. This was all me, and simply because I got results, it seemed healthy at the time.

Once the end of October rolled around, there was a sudden turbulence that didn’t seem to be the result of anything specific. I started to slip with my schoolwork, I engaged in hour-long staring contests with the ceiling, I locked myself in my room all day and took frequent unnecessary naps, and I stopped eating once more. Back at square one. Friends and family reached out, but it all sounded like white noise to me. I have possessed the ability to just push through my entire life, and this just happens to be a rough patch. Call me egotistical, but I was fully absorbed in the idea that the only person that could help me was me.

The rest of first semester was a series of many beautiful ups and many ugly downs. It was definitely a “going through the motions” type of situation. Every thought in my brain was so askew at all times that it disguised itself as a sense of consistency and comfort. I told myself I was excited to go home for break, but I knew the transition was going to absolutely wreck me just as much as it did when I moved in, whether I chose to acknowledge it or not. 

I moved all of my belongings out of my dorm and drove back to my hometown. I drifted from all of my friends from school that were important to me. Once finals were over, I blocked out everything school-related from my brain. I spent my time with my home friends, but was rather inconsistent as a friend to them. I blew up on my family daily, using some of the most explosive and hateful language that I have ever used. The excessive sleep persisted. I texted my therapist to seek medication. She replied that her soonest opening was the morning of my birthday.

My birthday quickly approached on December 22. This was the first year I was home on my actual birthday, just because COVID had tampered with our typical holiday plans. My friends threw a birthday party for me the evening of the 21st, which meant the entire world to me. I knew about it prior, and felt a peculiar dread filling up inside of me as the day lurched forward. Are they doing this because they know I haven’t been doing well and this is just an act of pity? Do they feel like they have to? Do they even want to do it in the first place? I wanted to stay home and sleep as I had been doing all afternoon. Nonetheless, I got myself up, got ready, went and met my friends and had a great time.

On the day of my actual birthday, I woke up and went to therapy. Upon my arrival, I caught her up on what had been going on in a fit of run-on sentences and utter word vomit. She suggested medication and set me up with a psychiatrist to meet with. I knew this was finally a form of relying on someone that is there to help. Although I wasn’t being my own usual rock, it did not feel like defeat. It felt like I was slowly being lifted from underwater. That evening there was a set plan to be with my family and get dinner, have cake, the works. The day continued. to drag, and I hibernated in my room, cocooned in blankets. I finally came downstairs to use the restroom and not two seconds of me being downstairs I got in an argument with my family. In a swift movement, I got dressed, got my keys, and started to leave. I wanted to just drive around aimlessly and pretend I had a different final destination rather than just returning home. On my way out the door my mom expressed that she had tried to make the day special and felt as if she had failed as a parent. 

This was a huge turning point in where I finally stared my own struggle straight in the face, sobbing, right in my own living room as it grinned back at me. I broke down, and the feeling I was experiencing was something like being submersed in a dream that you are conscious in, yet out of control. I felt as if I was choking, I wanted to vomit, but I stood, blubbering and trembling like a frightened chihuahua. Tears spilled down my face in furious waterfalls, and the expression on my face was still as stone.

After gathering myself, I went on my drive as planned, and it was storming. What am I doing? I thought about my therapy session from that morning and recalled telling her that there was not a day where I don’t think about not being alive. It’s rare that I feel like a danger to myself, but I explained that it was more of a sensation that I desired to be in a comatose-like state in a foreign country where I was ultimately unknown, and I wouldn’t be a burden to anyone in my life anymore.

What am I doing? I felt a pull to leave Illinois altogether without warning. Don’t tell your friends or your family, just go. Their lives will continue to move forward as they have and you are doing this in order to no longer be at a halt. Drop out of school. Get a job. Get an apartment, maybe with some plants and a neat rug. Start fresh. Be the genuinely good person you have failed to be for too long. Maybe cut your hair, too.

I have felt this weird pull to be elsewhere since my birthday. I started my antidepressant, Lexapro, right before I moved back into school for second semester. I am having a difficult time making friends. I cry every day. I sleep too much. Truthfully, waking up, getting ready, and making coffee in the morning feels like an immense feat. The psychiatrist told me I would go experience a “blackbox” period for up to six weeks where I would feel alone, exhausted, nauseous, and would potentially be a danger to myself. I have felt all of these things the past few weeks.

Now that I am beginning to scrape the surface of my body being acclimated to the medication, I feel better. Like really, I do! The desire of this “elsewhere” still lingers in the back of my brain, although it has taken on somewhat of a different form. I continue to daydream of this apartment, the plants, the rug--but it is not an attempted escape. In my head, it looks like a potential adventure for healing as opposed to avoidance when life challenges my well-being. 

The biggest lesson I have had to learn (the hard way, unfortunately) from 2020 as a whole and the preceding months is that I need to start taking the initiative to do things for myself. The toll my health has taken has been overwhelming, and I had tricked myself into believing I was “doing what I needed to do” by taking an extra 3-hour nap and locking myself in my room every day.

I have had to cut out things that were no longer serving me. Some were more painful than others, but I couldn’t be apologetic for it anymore. I have had it with waking up every day in a state of complete misery, permitting others to walk on my emotions, hating my body, and the way I was living. In order for me to move in any type of positive direction, I myself had to come first. 

I still have my down days, but my lowest point is behind me now, so I can properly reflect on everything that has happened up to his point. I feel as if I owe you an apology:

If you have been a part of my life in any way, shape, or form in the past year, I am sorry. I have been inconsistent, moody, dishonest, and just a poor quality individual. In order for me to give love to anyone I cross paths with, I had to be able to provide that for myself. Instead of repairing a broken machine, I kept using it until it combusted in the faces of everyone I care about. I wish there was an immediate fix to the problems I created over time, and if there was an instant solution, I would follow it with my entire being.

From this point forward, I want to assure you that I am trying to be better. I want to be there for all of you in the way you have tried to be there for me. I have not been kind to myself, and especially nobody else. If this feels applicable to you, please reach out to me so I can do my best to make amends personally.

With love,

Carson

This is not intended to be a pity trap. I am not seeking that. However, my goal is to normalize the conversation about mental health. The truth is that we all have a brain, and more often than not, we don’t always listen to what it needs. I hope that if you find yours asking something of you, you listen.

As always, stay safe and well. If anyone ever wants to extend the conversation of mental health with me personally, do not hesitate to reach out.

story vomit

-hong kong runaway idea reality in mental hospital? mr robot perfect blue -blue hour love "i wanna be scary" heart break shaves eyebrows red lipstick black panther for asians space? dreamjng of home story about learning to let go and putting yourself first story about choosing happiness, prolonged misery JYN AND CASSIAN IMMORTALS her fingers ruffled through soft locks of his hair, and her heart swelled. it was too little and too much all at once, after all the years apart, how could she have ever doubted wanting to be by his side again? Now that he was in her arms the certainty seemed to settle into an unshakable truth, that she and he were meant to return to each other, circling each other, standing by the other's side no matter the circumstances of the rest of the foolish world. the girl from before, who only knew of solitude, of running, looking over shoulder at every turned would have thought this new certainty unthinkable. it might have terrified her or disgusted her, but the Jyn of now was a different woman. his eyes caught her transfixed gaze and crinkled with a smile she knew better than her own. no words needed to break the cozy silence for the understanding to pass between them. there was nothing she wanted more than to crush his body to hers, to hold him gently and never let go again but the feeling overwhelmed her and she could only continue to cradle his head in her lap, stroking a finger down the jawline she loved. mine. mine. her heart said, touching a body that was not her own, this skin which would pierce me to be bruised, these bones which would shatter her to be broken. hours later, after many hushed words had passed between them, describing in few short words the many hard years that had passed for each of them, as the sky began to flush lilac with the rising  sun, they broke apart with much hesitance. after several failed attempts on cassian's part to urge her to the fresher for a much needed shower, she finally relented breaking the connecting touch betwen them. jyn couldnt contain the tiniest childish pout. how could she miss holding him within seconds of relinquishing the contact? annoyed at feeling like a childish teenager but still petulant to let go. "go!" urged cassian, his eyes crinkling with a grin, and then, of course how she resist grabbing his smiling face again and kissing those grinning lips. cassians arms could not help but to circle around her waist but of course he was the one with the greater self restraint and he withdrew them after a few moments, pushing her gently towards the fresher door. under the hot satisfying spray Jyn allower herself the luxury of a quick moment to just enjoy the comforts of a life not based on the next meal, next job, and the overhanging urgency of survival, before she got to work scrubbing off the unholy layers of grime on her body. as she lathered suds into her hair, the fresher door clicked open with a soft hiss, and she peered through the fogged shower door at cassian, who of course smiled at her again, and she marveled at the ease of his surrending unlimited smiles for her when he was a man of few smiles for the rest of the universe. and with that her traitorous heart was off again, squeezing with the overwhelming painful joy of having him by her side again. cassian rinsed his toothbrush, finished with brushing his teeth. with a mischievous grin he peeled of his under shirt and dropped his trousers to the floor. steam poured out of the fresher as he slipped in beside her, putting his rough hands on the soft slick skin of her waist. jyn hooked her arms around his neck and tiptoed up to kiss him, soft sweet and slow, and they stood under the spray, feeling each other up like teenagers until suddenly Jyn shrieked. "Ah! Sorry, sorry, the boiler tank is small, I've been wanting to install a bigger one-" Jyn laughed despite the freezing spray erasing her comfortable warmth by the second. "get out you horn dog i still have to rinse out my hair" one of them gets executed but comes back to life cassian? comes back to find jyn and their child // cassian as a fire breathing bar tender modern au where they're divorced drug cartel AU krennic and galen in the cia/dea jyn smuggles or deals arms or something cassian is an undercover DEA agent cassian riding a horse, wearing a cowboy hat, smoking patron notices cassian is into jyn and 'gives' her to him "you're a lucky guy" thats just a nice way to say i want to fuck your girl jyn if you do this i can't protect you ive known these guys my whole life and you think you can get into this game for a couple months and i need you to protect me from them i dont mean from them cassian joserra jerome antonio anglés andrez after they settle down: oh where did you guys meet jyn: tinder // divorced soulmates when they meet jyn can tell its something special. she's been around the block enough to know that this one wasn't for messing around, that they meant too much to each other. cassian tamed her and she brought him to life and his friends were all supportive of course, relieved he had found some joy at last, that he finally had a reason to leave the office without putting in overtime more days of the week than not, a reason for brief smiles to stsrt escaping his serious outward demeanor. all they saw was cassian hiding a smile in a tumblr of mezcal st the bar with them, watching jyn dance with han and kes, twirling around them with smooth confidence as they tried not to trip on their own feet. how could it be anything but good? jyn knows cassian would never hurt her on purpose so she lets herself fall too easily, then slowly her life revolved around him. he occupied her throughts, her space, and she became nothing more than a part of cassian, his wife, as honoured and respectable as the role was she became suffocated with being introduced as his wife, people telling her what a great man her husband was, and she became defined by him, strangers assuming insight of her. when she leaves she finds herself all alone, realising all the friends she had were gifted to her by cassian, and the thought infuriates her. not at cassian, never at cassian, but at her past self for allowing this to happen, blind to painfully learned lessons to always have an escape route in sight, to rely on herself first and foremost. when she leaves, the pain is unbearable. she cries and she cries herself to sleep, and when she wakes up she's temporarily soothed her mind betraying her with the false sense that all the pain was just a bad dream and she would roll over and see cassian there, soft and warm and comforting and ready to hold her close and kiss the nightmare away. but the realisation came quick and she would be sobbing again. in the end it was only her stubborn pride that saved her the indignity of crawling back to him on her knees begging. or maybe it was the stone pit on her stomach that said you did this. you hurt him like this, and for what? how can you deserve to try and salvage what was perfectly good before you picked it up and smashed it on the ground just to see how the splinters would fall? when the fog of misery starts to fade though, she is relieved. even as she sits in her crappy, hole in the wall apartment, eating left over pizza for a undignified amount of times in a month, she is so relieved to be free. even if the AC keeps crapping out and she's sweating in February and bodhi has been the only other person to visit her apartment she is so relieved. her thoughts were her own again and she was so happy she could cry "jyn you will always be my family. you know that right?" she doesn't deserve it cassian walking barefoot in the shore wash at blue hour this pain wasn't unbearable but it was a unique brand of torturous. knowing exactly what she wanted was right in front of her, seeing it, touching it in soft polite embraces that lingered just on the dangerous end of perfunctory hellos and goodbyes. she's already had a taste of exactly everything she wants (not needs, not anymore, and that made the pain tolerable but a new unique brand of torturous), and she couldn't have it. she threw it all away. no regrets could be had, she would have never made it here without giving it up, but it certainly didnt help when they sat on the opposite ends of the friends spanning a bar counter and her attention still strayed from whatever kes was talking about to start at his lips, soft  from worrying at the glass tumbler in his hand, hearing the memory of the laugh she only watched escape from him in real life as it was lost in the din of the bar. "i forgave you for literally tearing my heart apart the first time, but as much of a masochist as i am, I can't give you permission to do it again. so what is it jyn?" "come on jyn. it doesn't take an idiot to see how much we still care about each other" their scars are the only soft and tender part on them, new and innocent skin next to hard won calluses cassian's ex wife meet first time when cassian gets backup for his mission huge sexual tension competence porn celebrating successful mission, cassian shoots his shot she reveals she used to be in intelligence "understand this captain andor. i have a lot of respect for what you do. it's horrid work but it needs to be done. matter of fact i started in intelligence. but the one thing i know, is the kind of person that can stand that line of work, the kind of person i was back then, thats not the kind of people i want to break bread with" she pulls rank on him despite him being older and more experienced. "in my branch you get promoted fast because you die fast" cassian was being pessimistic/realist sbout expected bad outcome but young recruit is horrified more massive sexual tension at a bar or something, she goes outside to make out with some rando guy, cassian follows her and chases him off and kisses her. not nice and tender, hatefuck in an alleyway but it's so hot doesn't see each other again fuck in a tent, fuck in the showers start to bond, see each other's honour and kindess. after a bad mission she's doubting herself, unable to sleep, cassian takes her to a secret vantage point. "sometimes i think i'm a dispicable person" "not to me" he kisses her "what, really here?" where they're in constant threat of being walked in on "no." they just make out and its tender snd loving and it scares her off and she avoids him for a while cassian gets captured and held in solitary confinement for months, mentally tortured, starved. tries to escape, gets punished. gets fucked up in the head. draven and elkie are the only one pushing to find him and break him out.  after cassian is found and returns to base he's a shell of himself, spooked, makes intense eye contact with elkie as he passes her but no aknowledgement of their signifigance to each other. after medical checks he's left alone and starts to panic, but before he freaks out fully, she comes into his room with shaving kit and a peach. she cuts a few slices for him to enjoy because hes not really allowed fruit, talks to him and shaves him as he heals she arranges for him to be put in a room with a chatty old soldier who keeps telling him old war stories, and visits him whenever she back on base. after a particularly bad mission. she crawls into his hospital bed in the middle of the night. after he's discharged, she sleeps with him whenever she can, calming him down after nightmares. one night he knows she's sleep deprived and needing to wake up early for important things the next day and tells her to stop sacrificing her sleep to help him. she's quiet before she asks if he is making her leave. he says no, so she just snuggles up to him. he realizes she prefers being woken up all night to sleeping without him. one say when cassian's feeling like he cant stand being amongst the people on the base in the mess hall, she brings him back to the vantage point to have lunch. they fuck but it's making love. something in between she gets captured and tortured. breaks leg. cassian rescues her. cassian cares for her in the immediate aftermath, she wakes up to him asleep in the hospital chair after he comes back from his own mission back on base, superiors want to send her off base to recuperate and get better PT, she really doesn't want to go, she knows she might never make it back and lose her nerve and her mind. their sleeping in cassian's bed and she admits this. he says there's desk work she can do on base. "married officers get first choice of postings" she's stunned by the insinuation "i need to know you arent whoring yourself out out of some misplaced need to take care of me. just because you slept with me a couple times doesn't mean i'm your responsibility." "i need to know you aren't... offering... out of convenience. just a loophole to help me out" "i'm not. i can't live without you anymore" they get married, she takes his name. captain andor and captain andor she drops off the grid for an extended period of time, she sees him in a crowd and he thinks she's a hostile, tries to take her down but she takes off her mask and goggles she dies in his arms CASSIAN'S LITTLE SISTER/DAUGHTER cassian's 16 she's 8, he saves her and has to babysit her for a while around rogue one she's 18 starting to do field work as an agent cassian as fulcrum is not nice or friendly but mentors her and takes care of her she just starts acting like a friend even though she has no reason to treat him like one bonds with jyn they go to each other when they're concerned about cassian, jyn tells her about a miscarriage, she tells jyn about PTSD she doesn't want to admit to cassian later as peace becomes more viable and cassian less cold and jaded, he starts to act like her family and at first it scares her off a bit she's hostile, says you don't have any right treating me like a child considering how you treated me in the past CASSIAN JYN F1 bodhi jyn both trained by legendary race strategist galen erso (betrays imperial team and orson krennic?) bodhi was trained to to compete and be great, jyn was thrown in and not expected by others to be a real competitor jyn joins f1 with saw gerrera's partisans, low midfield team, strapped for cash bodhi drives with his brain jyn drives with her gut bodhi tells her she can be truly great when she masters melding the thinking and control with her raw talent jyn podiums once and is over the moon but cassian isnt happy for her and she doesnt understand cassian says she doesnt understand racing yet, put herself on the line for revenge, had no way of knowing she was gonna survive her dirty trick and she only won when almost half the field retired calls her hotheaded and not ready cassian was an excellent ruthless driver, would drive dirty to make the win very good (champion?) gets into bad crash (jyn saves him?) and retires, join rebellion as race strategist cassian suggests jyn as new driver leia backs him up jyn helps cassian with his PT and tells him he doesn't have to put on a mask for her and he allows himself to show that he's in pain jyn falls asleep in cassian's hotel room and when he tucks her in she grabs him and they fall asleep together at a party after a good win jyn's tipsy and grabs cassian and starts singing and dancing in his face and cassian is laughing and loving every moment jyn's championship title comes down to the last race she gets a rough bump that physically takes a toll on her she has a good lead but she blows a tire and limps home (krennic gets on the radio somehow to try and break her confidence?) cassian: "do your best, bring her home. i'm right here jyn, I'm with you to the end. I'm not going anywhere" jyn wins a championship and retires she's proved herself after no one thought she would, defeated vader for a season she knows she doesn't have a strong chance of doing it again and wants to make room for luke and han so they don't join imperial F1 STORY young hotshot female driver gets put into falling from glory ferrari with him he used to be eyed as the next great talent but in a shit car he doesn't have any accomplishments to show and is starting to lose the hype and his drive to win she idolizes him, after a race where she does very well for a rookie and he delivers good but not great results, she goes into his driver's room and congratulates him on a good drive out of a need to assert control he fucks her he's trying to massage his own shoulder, she says here let me help, get close, talking, he turns to catch her eye and realises how close they are and kisses her fucks her on the desk, hot and dirty after their lustful scramble he comes back yo his senses and is a bit ashamed of what he's done kisses her on the forehead and leaves, saying see you tomorrow they keep hooking up throughout her rookie season, and spending time together in the public eye, her sweet genuine humorous personality tempers his steely cold and focussed persona and media and fans eat it up, everyone loves them as old gruff dude and young hotshot jokester duo two seasons like that as they grow closer there's a picture of him as a f1 rookie giving 14yo her a trophy forehead kisses become a meme she tells him what he already knows, he needs to jump ship from the team he loves in order to win he signs with a top three team as she continues to get more experience at their old team throughout the season they continue hooking up and hanging out in winter break they spend a lot of time with each other, to the point it seems like they're dating but theyve never discussed it he wins a world championship, realises the only person he wants to celebrate with is her she gets signed to a title contender team next time they hook up he's being a tender and says something commitment related she freezes up "what did you think this is" "yeah of course anyone would jump at the chance to fuck their idols, that doesn't mean their idols would be a good person to settle down with" "did u think i would fall in love with you just because i look up to you? im not some groupie. as if you weren't just taking advantage of me the first time, cheating on your girlfriend. im smart enough to know I'm not special, if you did it to her you certainly have it in you to do it to me" "i think we should stop doing this" breakup, theyre both heartbroken he feels betrayed, thinking the girl he's in love with just used him she doesn't want to admit she really did fall for him he gets signed to the same team as her the whole world is super excited to see their chemistry again but they're super cold, barely together, barely acknowledge each other press conference she blows off the question of whether she's excited to be teammates again he gets into tabloids rumored to be dating hot celebs they have a bad rivalry on the track fighting for positions gets double retirement and other bad things eventually he realises she only pushed him away out of self preservation and she mist have loved him to have done so much and cared for him the way she did he apologizes and asks her to give them a chance she's shocked but she agrees, but she says they shouldnt be together until the season is over cue sexual tension she misses him too much and he comes into her hotel room to get a fright shes in his bed and they cuddle she wins the championship after 5 years of being together and racing, he retires proposes to her, to the shock of the world

A PR stunt, pt.2 (S.M.)

Summary: Shawn’s PR stunt was meant to further his career, but it damaged his relationship irreversibly. However, he can’t let things be without at least trying to make things right.

Warnings: ANGST

Word Count: 1730

A/N - this is the first fic in line for Part 2s week. Enjoy!

A PR Stunt, pt.1

Shawn stared at the whole in wall, his hand completely ruined. Knuckles red and swollen, his eyes matching them, hair a mess of curls on top of his head. Hell, his look was the least messy thing about him when Andrew walked in.

“What did you do to yourself?” Andrew sighs, not bothering to shout at him. Shawn definitely didn’t need him to add onto his misery. In all his years with his favorite client, friend, brother – Andrew never found him in such a state. He wasn’t stupid, adding things up pretty quickly in his head. He told Shawn that the PR stunt would be good for his career, he recommended it. But he also warned him that in such times where distance and a third party are involved, hearts tend to break. Relationships are never as solid as you deem them to be and Shawn decided not to listen.

“She left me.” Shawn croaked out, trying to create a proper fist with his hand before hissing in pain, his eyes closing in agony of more than just physical hurt.

“And you decide to break your hand for it? Night of the show?” Andrew shakes his head, hands on his hips because as much as he wants to be calm, his nerves are at an all-time high. But Shawn didn’t care.

What Shawn thought about, what he cared about, it remained back north – in Canada.

In the past three years of knowing Y/N, he spent two of them being a complete idiot – a blind man in spite of the brightest light staring back right at him. He never saw her as more than a friend, someone to rely on, to have even in the darkest of times. She was the one he’d call when he’s too drunk to drive, babbling about his latest conquest in the process and all the while, she’d just run her fingers through his hair and smile softly down as his head burned a hole in her lap. She always had some wisdom to share, something funny to say, a kind gesture to give and she did it all…selflessly.

He took that for granted. All of it.

But one night he finally saw her – the way she’d tilt her head to the left ever so slightly when he speaks, and only when he speaks. The way her nose scrunches up when she disagrees with someone’s argument, but waits patiently for them to finish in order to offer her insight. The way her lips purse when she’s holding back a smile when he says something in an attempt to woo her, but actually embarrasses himself completely…Even the way she furrows her eyebrows and a small, horizontal line appears right before them, like a tiny bridge that holds all her anger in but disappears the moment her eyebrows return to their usual position.

Y/N is the person that doesn’t hold a grudge, incapable of cutting people off no matter how toxic they may be. She is selfless, kind and openhearted, her mercy knows no bounds. But it found its end, for the first time for as long as Shawn knew her. She decided to cut him off, to end their relationship, to say goodbye to him and that is everything he needs to break. People like Y/N never give up on people and she gave up on him…that speaks volume of how wrongly he treated her.

“Andrew, I want to go home. I need to talk to her.” Rubbing his forehead with his left hand, Shawn runs his curls back and away from his face in frustration.

“She doesn’t want to see you.” Andrew tries to reason with him, his own heart aching for the young man before him because such heartbreak is sure to make him crumble…but in Andrew’s mind this pain will be useful. Artists who suffer always deliver heartfelt lyrics, incredible art that lives on much longer than the generic happy ones. In his mind, this break up is a goldmine.

“BUT I WANT TO SEE HER. Even for a moment. Even if she’ll slap me silly for thinking for one moment I was worthy of her. Because I wasn’t. I knew it. All along. I’ve finally proven it.” Shawn stands, biting his lip hard enough to draw blood, the taste making him cringe and then sigh.

“Doctor first, show second, plane right after?” Andrew offers, giving the kid one chance to do what he wants, counting on the plan to fail miserably which will only deepen the sting of his wound.

Giving up, Shawn agrees, knowing he has to uphold his duties to his fans. After all, he wanted to make people happy and in a way, he hoped it would ease his own worries.

At the end of the night, his hand was broken. He couldn’t play the show, but he didn’t mind giving his all when he sang his heart out, even dedicating ‘Fix you’ to Y/N without thinking twice about it. The fans asked about his hand, his only response being ‘I’m an idiot’ to avoid speaking about what truly ails him.

But once he got on the plane, his stomach turned to knots.

He wondered what he could say to make things better. If he could truly fix their relationship, mend their broken trust. He wondered if Y/N was completely lost to him.

Although he hated that, Shawn knew he would have to play her, manipulate her kindness to his own benefit as selfishly as he always does. He knew that she would be lost to him otherwise. So he will lie, manipulate, do whatever – just this once, one last time.

The ride from the airport is a blur in his mind, having trouble connecting pictures and sounds, finding himself an anxious mess – desperate and willing to do anything to stop the pain in his chest, even for a moment.

Knocking on the door with his left fist, twice firmly and the third being suspended in air as he hears the faint ‘Come in’ from the other side. He couldn’t help but roll his eyes, wanting to come in with his usual speech prepared about how she can’t do that because the world is filled with people who have anything but good intentions and letting someone in without checking who it is might be the stupidest thing in the world. But he doesn’t. He can’t do that when that very stupid thing is why he’ll enter her apartment and have a chance to speak to her.

He walks in, looking around the dark apartment, the only light coming from her kitchen – the light he always left on and she would always lecture him about it. He stumbles on her doorstep, groaning lowly before venturing inside. The sound of his song is unmistakable, giving him something to follow in order to find the girl who stood with her back turned and her hair down, lazily falling down her back. The thing is, she never wears her hair down at home.

“Did you mean it?” Her voice startles him, his gasp passing his lips inadvertently. His heart hammered against his rib cage, giving him certainty it isn’t dead like he feared. His heart is very much alive and it belongs to her alone…it beats for her and no one else.

“How? What?” He manages to mumble out, running his fingers through his hair, holding his hand to his stomach. The pain radiating from it is great, but he refused any painkillers before speaking to her. He didn’t want to be in a haze during what could very well be the last time he speaks to her. He wanted to remember everything about her, from the way she looks to the way she sounds, smells, moves.

Turning around, she frowns, her eyebrows knitting and that horizontal line appearing.

“I know your walk. You step with your entire foot at once, always managing to somehow trip on the doorstep. Which you did. I know you did, even if you think you don’t. And I’m talking about what you said at the concert. Did you mean what you said?” Just as she finishes, the words he spoke earlier sound through.

“Some of you have come to believe I am dating my new friend, but that’s not true. The kiss you’ve witnessed, all of it…it was just footage or a new video. But it hurt some of you. Angered some of you. It ruined the best thing I’ve ever had in this life – my relationship with Y/N. Whom I actually do love. Do cherish. Do take for granted at times. I don’t deserve you love, I don’t. But if you’re listening, know I love you more than anything and I am sorry. I truly am. And this song, as all songs I sing, is dedicated to you.”

“That. Did you mean that?” She repeats her question, her eyes void of emotion despite them rimming red, the smeared mascara under her eyes betraying what she suffered.

“Every word and more.” Shawn confirms, stepping closer only to find an obstacle in her outstretched hand, her palm pressing into his chest.

“Okay.” She breathes out, pausing to look up at his face and the deeply pink cheeks she loved to tease him about.

“When do you have to go back?” She asks, surprising him, but not entirely. A part of him knew she’d want to try and fix things, the speech itself being a manipulative technique.

“Tomorrow noon. But are we okay?” Shawn whispers, placing his left hand over her smaller one on his chest, clasping it in his gently.

“I don’t know. Maybe we will be. Eventually. But I don’t know now.” She sighs, tucking herself into his side, embracing him with all the strength she could muster. She held him tightly all through the night, until his heart stopped tearing itself and hers took in all his pain. He could feel the dull ache still, but he felt more certain about his future now.

Even as he left, Y/N decided to come along and send him off. As she always did. While their relationship wasn’t magically fixed overnight, it began to mend. Soon, Y/N will join him on tour, the trust will rebuild and with it, they will find their way back to who they were. No...To something better, more solid and everlasting.

Tags: @accalialionheart @esoltis280 @ourlittleshawnie @heyits-claire

Sadistic Love (Oh baby)

I love Hollywood romance, but not the run of the mill ones, no “Dear John” or “Remember Me” will do. No, I like the ones that depict just how cruel and soul-crushing romance can be, I like the ones where no one gets a happy ending because from personal experience, those are far and few between when it comes to romance. I like the ones where the main character is left in a puddle of misery and self-loathing because of the heart-wrenching experiences they have gone through, I don’t mean things like physical abuse, that is of no interest to me, I find no entertainment in something so deplorable.

For example, there is a movie called “Oh, Ramona”, which I highly recommend to any and everyone who will listen. It centers around a teenage boy named Andrei who has spent many of his formative years obsessing over the titular character Ramona. Without spoiling anything, he soon becomes her plaything and she seems to derive great joy in knowing that no matter how much she ruins his social life, he will still come running when she calls. Further, into the movie Andrei actually finds another girl named Anemona, Anemona is the opposite of Ramona, she is stable(er), compassionate, and seems to be a much healthier option for Andrei. Again without spoiling anything, that doesn’t work out, and Andrei finds himself once again running to Ramona when she calls. Now the average person will look at this situation and cheer for Anemona and Andrei as a couple, I, on the other hand, prefer Ramona. I admit that Anemona is without a doubt the healthier option for Andrei’s sanity, but were I in his shoes I would be so pulled to Ramona and her chaos, that Anemona would quickly become an afterthought. 

I could never put into words why such chaos and instability are so intoxicating to me and believe me, I have tried a million times. I have tried to write characters that would encapsulate all those traits about women like Ramona that drive me wild, but I fail literally every time. I think that it’s because that is such a specific type of woman, one that is about as rare as it gets, clingy but not in the way where they cry when you leave, in the way that they will manipulate your emotions in the most calculating ways to ensure that you will never want anyone else but them. The kind of woman who only wants you, but will constantly keep you in doubt, but just as you begin to decide to pull away, she shows you the smallest sign of affection and you come running right back. Yes, yes I know that this is incredibly unhealthy and probably borders on emotional abuse, but hey everyone has their kinks, mine just happens to be the kind that is emotionally destructive, so no judgments. But as I was saying before, trying to capture this kind of character on a page has proven to be incredibly difficult, obviously, people have done it, but they seem to draw from personal experience. I have small experiences with such women, but it’s usually been scattered experiences like if you took all the flaws in my past relationships and compiled them into one woman she would be perfect. I mean, perfect is a strange word to use in this situation but in terms of what I want, it fits. God, the more I write the more fucked up I sound, but hey this is about as real as I can be, I love the chaos, I love the drama, I love the pain and the small spells of joy.

My love life has been a pretty big mess to be honest, which can most likely be attributed to this strange desire of mine. Ninety-nine percent of all my relationships involved me being played for a fool, or being left in a position where I was constantly questioning the dynamic of the relationship itself. The absolute worst was one where no the woman involved was so close to fully capturing the traits I was talking about, she knew she had me, and she played with me like a damned puppet. A few months back she waltzed back into my life after several years and all though I convinced myself that I was older and less likely to fall for the same tricks, low and behold… it happened all over again. At least, this time I was smart enough to not pursue when she left this time, effectively ending the game. As much as I say I am glad that I didn’t fall into the same trap, as much as I want to say that this shows personal growth, there is still that part of me that wants to fall back in just to feel that same flurry of emotions. The infatuation, the suffering, hope that I can earn her affection, the ecstasy whenever she affirmed that I wasn’t the only one feeling things, god damn it’s a feeling like no other. 

I have given this a great deal of thought in the past, I always wonder why I seem to only be attracted to the broken and the breakers. The only truly healthy relationship I had ended in a heartbeat because the ex I had before her came calling and like a loyal puppy I came right back to her side. Turns out, it was really just her wondering if she could still have me whenever she wanted, turned out she could and like a fool I fell right into it. The saddest part is that the girl who I so coldly abandoned was so into me and she had no problem showing it, she begged me to stay, offered to do things that it would be ungentlemanly of me mention, she completely surrendered her dignity in hopes that I would stay and her friends guilted me for weeks about how often she was crying. Needless to say, I have never felt like a bigger piece of shit in my life and I felt like I completely deserved to be toyed with in the way I was, the only solace I find in this anecdote is knowing that she went on to find a man who was and still is very good too her and last I heard they were engaged to be married. I wish her only the best, and I will always be sorry from the depths of my heart because no one deserves to be cast aside in such a callous way. 

Holy shit I had no intention of getting sad when I started typing this, but here I am now thoroughly depressed and lamenting over what could have been and what has been. I hate the way that I am, well not the whole product, but the aspect that can only be happy in misery, as much as I wish it wasn’t that way, I am so terrified of being bored in a relationship, I am absolutely terrified of finding someone who will be a steady rock, someone I can always rely on, because above all things I fear complacency, and while I know those two things are not mutually exclusive, knowing myself, it is very likely to happen. God, this is really bringing me down, I hate getting all really like this, I hate introspection, for me, it never ends in a positive place. Signing Off.

A loathsome, masochistic, self-deprecating lover

🖤 I See My Future Before Me 🖤

***

“May I have the honor of this dance, my lady?”

"I long to see such things as those you have probably seen. I want to experience everything and I wish to see them with my own eyes. See for myself what these poems of mine describe. But, the idea of doing those things alone,… do not please me, at all.”

“Would I be selfish if I ask you to accompany me, little wanderer?”

“Those scars,… symbolize the true enjoyment and will that you felt doing that special something you adore. Those feet, my Lady,… I would kiss,… over,… and over again,… if I could,… ”

“What matters is that you still have precious people around you, my Lady. You must focus on not losing them, as well.”

“Those feelings you have for me, I’m afraid we do not share them mutually.” 

"I do feel obliged to tell you that I’ am not the person you seem to know. I’ am neither a good person, nor a hero you consider. In fact, I’ am the villain of your story. And I, may I add, only helped you because you seem so,… useless. Why would you even take up this massive commission in the first place? You are not as half as strong as the weakest Devil Hunter here to begin with. You are just a weak human who relies on others for survival."

“I choose,… POWER!”

"ENOUGH!"

You woke up to the sound of his frightening voice that seemed to rattle the whole place. Your eyes adjusted to the darkness inside your room as you hysterically felt for the things around you. And when your cold and trembling hands reached what felt like the soft and smooth bed covers you haven't used for what seemed like ages, your heart felt like it would shatter. You know he was there, just outside your dark and suffocating room, and you knew full well that if you get up, walk to that door, and open it, you will see him.

But, at the same time, you knew you can't.

How you've wanted so much to go to him, to throw yourself at him, to embrace him, and tell him that you love him very much but, you know you can't.

"I choose,... POWER!"

Those were the words that he told you after you bore your whole, fragile heart to him. It,... hurt you, and you knew you would be lying if you said it didn't. It hurts, and you could never deny that fact.

Then, darkness. You couldn't remember anything else after that. What happened after that? And how long ago was that? A week? A month? A year?

You tried to move an inch, however, an unbelievable sensation of pain hit your mid - section, your arms, and your legs. You covered your mouth, trying to stifle the scream of horrified pain that tried to escape from it as you heard some more, incomprehensible noises outside. It seemed that he was not alone. There were others,...

... but you didn't have any idea who they were,...

... only that they sounded familiar.

With a huge amount of effort, you carefully sat up as you propped up on your elbows, still feeling the excruciating pain in your body. You carefully swung your right leg off the edge of the bed first, followed by your left one. When you felt the coldness of the floor through your toes, you slowly put your feet down, then tried to stand,...

... only for you to collapse and scramble on the floor. You swiftly covered your mouth once more and closed your eyes as you stopped yourself from screaming and crying.

Everything hurts. Everything.

You remained on the floor curled up like this as your tears fell silently from your face. Your arms on your stomach and your legs folded, you stayed there, embracing the coldness and loneliness and waiting for those ear - shattering sounds to subside. And when they finally did, you took a deep breath and tried to stand once more. It became awfully quiet but, you couldn't care less. At least, they were gone. He was gone.

And that was entirely better compared to him pushing you away and physically and emotionally hurting you yet again.

With a slight limp, you made your way towards the door, and,...

All of a sudden, you heard it - a knock. On your front door.

Your hand abruptly left the doorknob as the knock became more and more impatient. You were about to go back to your own bed, cover yourself with those heavy bed sheets, and pretend that you didn't hear anything, when you heard a familiar voice.

"(Y/N)? It's me! Are you there?!"

It's her!

Despite the pain in your stomach and limbs, you flung open the door and sped towards the front door, ignoring the mess in the living room and even failing to notice your precious antique record on the table. You grabbed the brass doorknob, flung open the door, and,...

"(Y/N)?!" She said, looking so shocked upon seeing your appearance. "What happened to - ?!"

But, your friend wasn't able to finish her sentence as you threw yourself at her and cried your miserable little heart out. Your friend wrapped you in her arms and allowed you to let it all out on her despite not knowing the things that happened to you.

"T - take me," you sobbed. " ... away from here! P - please, Patty. P - please!"

***

XXXIII

***

You stared at your tired face in the mirror of the bathroom, pulling at a particularly dark and large bag under one of your eyes with a finger and looking at the pale flesh underneath it.

With a frown, you left your eye and looked closely at your hollow cheeks. You clicked your tongue as you noticed that they've gotten a bit thinner in just a few days. But, what really caught your attention was the few strands of hair that covered your forehead. You reach out with your right hand, brushing your hair with your fingers and slicking it up to confirm your suspicion,...

... and you were right. You were a hundred percent sure that there were only a few about two weeks ago but, now, it almost covered half of your head.

White hair. Or more accurately, silver - grey hair.

You couldn't help but sigh as you let your hair go. You slightly stepped away from the mirror and grabbed your shirt from the counter, putting it over your head and wearing it, covering the large, ugly scar on your stomach. Then, you grabbed your sweat pants and wore it, effectively concealing the equally huge and ugly scars on your thighs. Finally, you went back to your bedroom and grabbed your long - sleeved turtle neck from your bed post, wearing it and covering those bruise - like scars on your arms.

Tying the end of your long hair and tossing it to your back, you finally went out as much as you hated it. And only then did your day begin.

You were like that for nearly three months after you left Red Grave, and it was rather safe to say that during that period of time, you have easily become an angst magnet with legs who only eats, breathes, and sleeps, somehow.

Somehow. Not to mention your tears' nasty habit of pouring from your already tired and battered eyes every night before sleeping.

During those first few weeks of crying, the only things that came to your mind were the torturous thoughts and painful memories of what happened between you and him. The moment your mind made the huge mistake of conjuring his image, you couldn't help those awful tears from coming out. Hell, you even thought that you could never move on from that. 

But, alas, you were wrong. 

For the next few weeks after those angst - riddled sessions of crying, well, you still cried. Not only because you could still perfectly remember how he looked like and how his voice sounded like after all those weeks ago, no. It was because you felt yourself and the world around you getting heavier and heavier, and as each day and night passed, you felt yourself getting weaker and weaker to the point of breaking down. Your wounds were not healing as opposed to those times when they healed in a heartbeat. Your agility seemed to have deserted you, and the happiness, if there was any, that was left in your heart seemed to have abandoned you, as well. You were getting thinner by the day, and now, oh, fuck, now, you have white hair. Yes, your once thick and lustrous (H/C) hair was rapidly turning white. Which could only mean one, no, two things.

Number one: he was able to obtain the entities inside you that gave you immense power and kept you immortal for ten whole years.

And number two: now that these entities were gone, you were rapidly getting weaker, kind of like a side effect after all those years of taking in all the damage that should've ended your life in a heartbeat.

No, weaker was the more gentle way of describing what was happening to your body.

If you were totally being honest with yourself, you would admit that, yes, you were rapidly, and alarmingly, getting older.

But, who cares, anyway? After all, nobody would even notice. All those years of doing good to others did nothing to alleviate your pain. All those years of saving others did nothing to save yourself from your inevitable fate.

All those times, and effort, and years, of crossing the oceans and exerting your body to its limit and beyond just for that one mission, and that one man, that, you thought, could save you from your own misery and give you the future you, so, craved for, did nothing to ease your slowly dying heart and stop your abnormal aging.

You shook your head as you chuckled at the thought.

No, you were not simply getting weaker or older. You were dying, and you knew it.

But, when?

Ah, it didn't matter, did it?

"It doesn't matter anymore." You whispered as you absent - mindedly stared at the spoonful of cereal that was drowning in cream before your very eyes.

"Ah, sorry?" Patty, who was at the other end of the table, also eating cereal, asked as she peeled her eyes off the television.

You put the spoon in your mouth and ate the cereal, smiling as you did so. "Nothing." You muttered after swallowing the food.

The young, blonde woman raised a questioning eyebrow. "Are you sure?"

"Perfectly fine." You lamely replied as you took another spoonful of the sugary breakfast.

And this made Patty even more worried than ever before.

Ever since seeing you injured and broken like that, Patty had no other choice but to yield to your selfish request of being taken away from that place. And how could she ever refuse you? Not when you cried and begged like that, no.

Still, it was so hard for Patty to see you like that: crying your eyes out for nights on end until you fall asleep, refusing food most of the time, hell, even refusing to go outside and enjoy the sun. During those torturous months, she witnessed how your voice became hoarse and your throat worn out due to constant crying, she saw how your once healthy body changed drastically due to self - imposed starvation, she even watched helplessly as the sweet face of her friend morphed into something that was truly unrecognizable.

Depressed, unhealthy, and perpetually tired,...

... this is the (Y/N) that she never thought she'd see in her entire life.

And Patty knew, sensed, the cause of all this life - threatening sadness. You may not have uttered a single word about it, and she never forced you to, but the way you stopped listening to old love songs ( she once saw you turning off the radio at the first lyrics of the song, End Of The World ), the way you ignored the movies you once adored watching with her ( and that was Titanic she was talking about ), and the way you changed the topic at the mere mention of the word love ( once, she hasn't even finished saying the accursed word when you cut her off by introducing the topic of weather, of all things ), she became a hundred percent sure,...

... a certain man,...

... had the audacity to break your heart,...

... to the point of angst, anxiety, and depression.

Of course, upon realizing this, Patty did the best that she could to cheer you up. As much as you hated it, she forced you to have movie marathons with her just to keep you from crying each night ( she chose horror and gore, of all things ), made you do some crazy and unnecessary stuff with her to keep you preoccupied ( like eating a whole tub of ice cream by yourselves, making all kinds of DIY crafts from the internet, and doing make up tutorials, to which you were both horrible at ), and even made you compile hundreds upon hundreds of Dante's stolen shots that she took into one scrapbook just for the sake of fun ( and some did make you laugh, to be honest, like that one where he was giving himself a pep talk in front of the mirror, or that one where he was wearing mismatched socks ). She did everything she could think of just to help you divert your mind off the thoughts of whatever happened to you with that certain man.

And obviously? You only got worse.

And Patty could not take any of this, any more.

"Okay, that's it." The blonde said as she stood up and made her way towards you. She sat on the chair next to you and practically snatched the spoon from your hand just to get your attention. And she was successful.

"Patty - "

"(Y/N), listen to me," Patty began, cutting you off the moment you tried to complain as she grabbed your shoulders. " ... I know it's hard. I know how hard it feels when someone you love left you - "

"Wait, I - !"

"NO! Stop talking for a while and listen to me!" Patty almost screamed. "I mean, you've cried enough for him! You've neglected yourself far enough! Look at you! You barely eat, barely sleep,...

"(Y/N), you've gone too far, and I hate seeing you like this! I want you to move on! Forget him! Live for your own sake! Please!"

You understood your friend perfectly. You knew that Patty only wanted the best for you, and you could understand perfectly well that, due to your carelessness within the last few months, you have unnecessarily made the girl worried. 

And you felt really guilty about it.

With a sheepish smile, you gently took her hands off your shoulders and clasped them together, keeping them joined with your own. You bowed your head down low and placed your forehead on top of your clasped hands as you let your emotions take over you.

"(Y/N) - "

"How I wish I could tell you everything. But, I know it won't be that easy." You told her as you looked up once more. "So, I'll just show you." You simply said as you stood up, letting Patty's hands go as you gestured towards the empty drawing room you spent the most time in during your stay in the Lowell Villa. It was a beautiful room, actually, with smooth wooden floors, cream - colored ceiling, pastel wallpaper - covered walls, and a pair of huge glass doors that allowed one to view the breathtaking island, its white sand, exotic trees and flowers, and the ocean, itself.

If things were normal, you might have enjoyed sunbathing there. You might even consider making a sandcastle of your own, one with pointed roofs and numerous windows, complete with a guardian dragon. You could also easily see yourself taking a dive in that astounding blue sea, then staring at the coast from afar. Or simply enough, you could picture yourself collecting all kinds of seashells buried there on the fine, white sand, just waiting to be found.

However, things were different for you. And difficult.

You knew you could no longer enjoy the simple things of being a normal human, and you knew it's too late for you to even enjoy it now. Your time was running out, and you finally decided to let your friend take a look of what you have become before it's too late. You owed her, and you don't want her to keep guessing. You must tell her the truth, no matter how difficult it was.

And when you grabbed the edge of your long - sleeved shirt, pulling it over your head and taking it off, removed the shirt underneath, and took off your sweatpants, leaving only your underwear, Patty could not help but gasp at the terrible state of your body. Almost skeletal and extremely pale, skin dry and slightly cracking, not to mention those unspeakable bruises on your limbs and stomach that looked as if you were skewered by something really sharp and huge, Patty immediately sensed the horror of what you've been through during your time in Red Grave.

The young, blonde woman shook her head and closed her mouth as tears streamed down her pretty face, unable to believe her own eyes at the pitiful and horrifying sight before her.

However, the pain of finally seeing you has only just begun.

"There was a time," you began as you positioned yourself in the middle of the room. " ... when I lived as carefree as anyone could." You said, then raised your arms and brought them down to your face. Patty realized that you have began dancing. But,... "I was very powerful. I thought nothing could defeat me." Something was wrong,... "But, I'm wrong. For these powers,"

Something,... was definitely wrong.

As Patty watched you moved, she noticed how,... raw,... your movements were. Almost as if,...

" ... they are not mine. They are for someone else."

And she was right. For the moment she saw you struggle with the moves, and jumps, and twirls that should've been a piece of cake to you before all this, she finally realized,...

... you have completely lost the ability to dance.

"I have searched,... for such a long time for this person." You went on. "I have waited,... longer. Far longer. Then, I found him. And I,...made a mistake." You stumbled one more time and tripped, hitting your head on the floor. But, you don't care. Still, you stood and went on. "I,... fell in love with him. Fell in love,... with the man,... who never cared in the first place. And when he took my powers for his own,... along with it, he took my heart,... he took my soul,... 

" ... he took,... my life.

" ... but, I'm here. And still alive. But, I'm dying. Slowly and painfully dying. He took my strength,... and in return,... I took away his pain,... and his death,… and made them my own."

And after one last fall, you remained lying on the floor for a few moments. Too exhausted to go on dancing, you slowly and carefully sat up, allowing yourself to calm down and relax.

"No matter how much I try to deny it, no matter how much I hide the truth, the fact still remains." You said as you looked up at Patty. "One of these days, and it won't be long. You'll call my name, and I'll be gone. And when I do," You stood up and went over to your friend, who was now silently crying. " ... I want you to remember me how I was, and not like this." You, then, wrapped your arms around her and allowed her to let all the tears out on your shoulders. "I don't know how long I have left but, when the time comes, that's it."

"Please tell me you're lying!" Patty sobbed. "Tell me this is all a nightmare! Tell me this is not real!"

Your emotions overwhelmed you the moment you felt your friend's body trembling against yours. You closed your eyes and held her tighter. "Hey, at least there will be one less ugly burden in the world."

"(Y/N), YOU'RE NOT A BURDEN! STOP LYING TO ME! SAY YOU'LL WATCH MORE MOVIES WITH ME! SAY YOU'LL AGREE TO MAKE DANTE COME TO ALL OF MY BIRTHDAY PARTIES! SAY WE'LL GROW OLD TOGETHER AND LAUGH AT HOW SILLY WE LOOK AS OLD AND WRINKLED WOMEN! (Y/N), PLEASE! DON'T LEAVE ME, PLEASE!"

The tears just flowed and flowed, and you allowed it. You allowed the emotion to overwhelm you for the very last time. You even ignored how your heart twitched in pain at the prospect of dying alone without having to enjoy your own life at its fullest.

Well, you did fulfill your mission.

It just wasn't your idea to be a disposable vessel.

And just then, a silly idea came to your mind. You made Patty look at you and pinched her cheeks.

"Ouch! Hey - !"

"Cut my hair, will you? I want to look as fashionable as you." You smiled at her as you pointed at her stylish pixie cut hair ( she ditched the long curls the moment she hit the legal age ).

"(Y/N), I don't think that's - "

"Come on!" You smiled gingerly at her as you emphasized how ugly your hair was. "Do it for me, please?"

A few moments later ( and after putting your clothes on ), you were made to sit on a chair as Patty brushed your hair and started parting it.

"How short do you want it to be?" She asked you.

"Up to you." You answered.

"Okay. I won't cut it too short, though."

"I leave everything to you."

Patty sighed as she started cutting parts of your long hair, letting its (H/C) strands fall on the smooth floor of the drawing room.

"I must say, I really envy you, (Y/N)."

"What?! Why?"

"Because you have long and shiny hair! And you're just letting me chop all this beauty,..."

"My hair? Beautiful? Come on! Look at it now! I would even bet you everything I have to prove to you that it's,... hey, Patty?" You called as the girl stopped cutting your hair for a brief moment. And as you were about to look up, Patty held your temples firmly to keep you from moving. "Hey!"

"Umm, (Y/N)?"

"Yeah?"

"If he is here right now, what would you tell him?" She asked you in a slightly different tone that you didn't really take notice of.

"Why would you ask that now? It's pointless! He is probably somewhere in the other part of the globe, having loads of fun and forgetting everything about me - "

"(Y/N), I'm serious here!" Patty interjected. "You don't want to go without letting it all out, right? I mean, if you wanted to say anything, now is the time. Not later, not tomorrow, now. What would you say to him if he is here right now?"

" ... nothing." You simply whispered. And could anyone really blame you? If he's here right now, would he even lend an ear to you after everything that went on between the two of you?

You heard Patty sigh behind you. "Okay, let's do this one more time. If I'm him, what would you say to me?"

What's with this girl all of a sudden? "Alright! Alright! Since you're insisting, I might as well tell you.

"How are you doing? Are you,... uhh,... eating well? Sleeping well? I hope you're not,... doing anything rash and careless,..."

"Yes, and?" Patty prodded on.

You sighed and went on. "Umm, whatever happened between us in the past, I want you to forget everything. Live freely on your own, do everything you can to make yourself as happy as anyone could be. I want you to forget about me,... and go on. Find,... someone else who is,... worthy of your love and protection."

There was a moment of silence as Patty stopped cutting your hair for a while. Then, she combed through your hair once more as she parted them again in the middle. "Is that what you really wanted to say? Forget about everything? Forget about you? Find another person to love?"

You felt your eyes widen as they started to sting, yet again, with your raw emotions. You closed your eyes and simply let those tears fall.

"I'm so tired of pretending that everything's okay." You whispered, your head bowed down low, and your tears falling onto your neatly folded hands on your lap. With a deep breath and a sob, you finally let it all out. "I missed you so much, V! So much, it hurts. I still love you,… despite everything. I tried to get you out of my mind, to forget that I've known you. To forget that I have fallen deeply in love with you for the very short time we've been together. And it hurts,... so much,... to know that I will not be able to see you again, that I will not be able to talk to you again. That I will never hear your voice again as you read to me your favorite poems.

"If I could only go back in time, I would prevent all the pain and suffering from happening. I will tell you to run as far away as you can from that place. I don’t care what happens to Red Grave! I will,... save the both of us from that huge blunder. Maybe then, we could start all over again, to get to know each other again. Maybe we could take another shot at it.

"But, I know that everything is inevitable. I have,... fulfilled my mission for you. I gave you back what you rightfully own. And I know that this is irreversible.

"I,... love you,... so much, V. But, please, go away from me. I don't want you to see me looking like this, going rapidly old, skin crumbling, dying. I will accept that someday, you would find the perfect person to love and protect until your last breath. I would even accept that someday, you will forget about me and everything that happened between us.

"So,... go. Do everything that I told you: travel the whole world, watch all kinds of movies, eat popcorn and lots of junk food, go fishing and catch a boot, win the stuff tiger. See the world that your poems describe. Go,... and do all of those with the person you will love and cherish,... until the end.

"And I'm so,... sorry. For everything. For all the hurt. I'm sorry."

You sighed deeply, unable to believe how wonderful it felt to truly let everything out. Your chest heaving up and down in a rhythmic pattern, your whole body finally relaxing, you closed your eyes,...

... and smiled.

"Goodbye, V. I will,... never bother you,... anymore."

"There. You look perfect." Patty answered, seemingly in jest, a few seconds later as she brushed the hair off your shoulders. "Could you stand up for me, please?"

You did so, your head feeling a bit lighter. You reached up with your hands and felt for your now shoulder - length hair.

And it felt really nice.

"Could you please, turn around so I could see you?"

You slowly turned, and,...

***

🖤 Again, a special thanks to @harlot-of-oblivion for teaching me how to convey some important messages with the flower language. 🖤

🖤 @la-vita , @gothghoulfrend , @micaelagua , @yepps , @ceruleanworld , @vergils-daughter , @beyond-the-mirror , @diabeticsugarush , @shadowrosess , @lessy86 , @bettybattaglia , @heaven-on-a-landslide , and @krazy06 . 🖤

***

There was a moment of silence as Patty stopped cutting (Y/N)'s hair for a while. Then, she combed through her hair as she parted them in the middle. "Is that what you really wanted to say? Forget about everything? Forget about you? Find another person to love?" She asked.

Her head bowed down low and her shoulders slightly trembling, she answered with an achingly weak and vulnerable voice. 

"I'm so tired of pretending that everything's okay. missed you so much, V! So much, it hurts. I still love you,… despite everything. I tried to get you out of my mind, to forget that I've known you. To forget that I have fallen deeply in love with you for the very short time we've been together. And it hurts,... so much,... to know that I will not be able to see you again, that I will not be able to talk to you again. That I will never hear your voice again as you read to me your favorite poems.

"If I could only go back in time, I would prevent all the pain and suffering from happening. I will tell you to run as far away as you can from that place. I don’t care what happens to Red Grave! I will,... save the both of us from that huge blunder. Maybe then, we could start all over again, to get to know each other again. Maybe we could take another shot at it.

"But, I know that everything is inevitable. I have,... fulfilled my mission for you. I gave you back what you rightfully own. And I know that this is irreversible.

"I,... love you,... so much, V. But, please, go away from me. I don't want you to see me looking like this, going rapidly old, skin crumbling, dying. I will accept that someday, you would find the perfect person to love and protect until your last breath. I would even accept that someday, you will forget about me and everything that happened between us.

"So,... go. Do everything that I told you: travel the whole world, watch all kinds of movies, eat popcorn and lots of junk food, go fishing and catch a boot, win the stuff tiger. See the world that your poems describe. Go,... and do all of those with the person you will love and cherish,... until the end.

"And I'm so,... sorry. For everything. For all the hurt. I'm sorry.

"Goodbye, V. I will,... never bother you,... anymore."

Patty slowly turned behind her after those words that her friend uttered. Then, she turned back and brushed the hair off (Y/N)'s shoulders. "There. You look perfect." And she's not lying. The girl looked,... perfect. "Could you stand up for me, please?" Patty waited for (Y/N) to stand and watched as she felt for her brand new hair style. "Could you please, turn around so I could see you?"

She slowly turned, and,...

... her eyes widened in shock at the familiar figure standing before her,...

... of a person,… a man,... she thought she would never see or hear from,... ever again,...

“One of these days, and it won’t be long,

You’ll call my name and I’ll be gone,

Fare thee well, my honey, fare thee well.

... and so,... thee came,..."

***

🖤🖤🖤

***

(tw: torture, mention of unconsenting intercourse, mention of death)

The man quivered against his confinements and the rope burn restored his conciousness crippled back to him instantly, to return him from the promised lands of dreams to the agonizing hell of reality. Count your blessings, they say. So little his moments of bliss seemed, so quick to pass and fleet through the cracks on his fingers like the river waters, he whaled in protest almost pathetically. He wanted to cry, he wanted to scream, he wanted to plea, but his tears had dried, his throat had turned sore and his remorse was exhausted, upon deaf eyes. The memory of his wife and his son seemed a distant haze, a wild summer dream and the thought alone of reconnecting with his family was no longer written in his stars. Alas, life was short, so short, so much shorter actually than all he had reckoned. And for that, he lost faith, he lost ambition, he lost sorrow and as all emotion turned to mold from the inside out, he was turned into a shell of his former self, a cheap replica of his days of glory and youth. Life was a game that could take the right player anywhere; now she was collecting unpaid debts and there was no cheating this round. Only reckoning.

He was handsome and strong, and his eyes burned with mischief and desire. But who was he now? Or what, really? The man could only just barely see in this sea of darkness and the goddess of the moon was mayhaps feeling merciful for one final time to grace her light, through one hollow crack on the ceiling this one ray of pale silver, taking a leap of faith into the void of his prison, granting him one glimpse of life again. He crouched closer, thirsty for her grace, thirsty for her saviour, and he cupped the silver in the bloodied hold of his palms, trying to delight what tiny beauty remained in the world. When did he become so mindful of nature, when did he finally grow eyes to see the beauty and when did he find the clarity in his mind to treasure the on going moments of mortality? Death truly changes people and those that meet the dead, they are never one and the same again. Perhaps this explained why now, of all times, he did, finally, truly see. And perhaps he owes even gratitude to her.

---

Maymm has always been an adversary for quick, clean kills. The purpose of the executioner is not to bring suffering, but to carry out a fatal sentence. It is never their responsibility to measure guilt and justice; once jurisdiction has been spoken, the executioner obeys. And perhaps she is right. For all her nonsensical blabbering, maybe this one time Maymm was not a self congratulatory fool, but actually precise. Nothing quite compared to a swift, spontaneous kill. To steal their breath, to stop their hearts, to overshadow the light behind their eyes and to let their thoughts and their minds and their hopes and their beliefs all bleed peacefully into eternity forevermore, to end a life and to bring a halt to years upon years of pursuits and endeavours and to all that made a person this one, specific person, all in but a split moment in this infinite line of time; that is orgasmic. Maymm never taught her the amusement in a kill, she just had to learn it her own way. For as long as she remembers, the she had to rely upon her own strengths and efforts to teach herself all the necessary lessons to survive in this world and understand it. Well, clearly enough to turn her into an assassin like no other of her kind. Because who other of her own would ever take joy in such cruelty, misery, suffering than the only one with a brave spirit and a huntress' heart. Quick kills are good; sometimes, prolonged is better. And in the case of such scumbags, who dirtied her land with their crimes and shed the blood of her people, oooh! Prolonged was (really) the better of the two.

--

The silver in his hands clashes on the smooth surface of perfectly sharp steel, gliding smoothly on the sharp edges of the weapon and reflecting in the four corners of this room. The man flinches with horror and he collapses on the flayed, butchered muscles of his back, to no avail but a surge of pain that paralyzed him again. The woman was quiet, so quiet always, so discreet when she danced in the dark and she moved unseen, unheard and unparalleled in the shadows. He never noticed her, not him and definitely not his companions, albeit their magical properties. Had the woman no influence over the spirit realm, or were they so reckless they failed to detect her? Impossible. Impossible, that with no magic one could ever be so swift, so precise, so deadly. Impossible that one could ever circle seven mercenaries so quietly, move so quickly and kill them, one by one, always with one, perfect blow so efficiently. He watched the six, as they surrendered to the sweet embrace of death all around him, their skin turning pale and cold before they hit the ground, and he was left lone, to face judgement. For the first time in his life, afraid. Scared. Horrified.

--

She likes the fear. Fear is necessary. There can be no respect and no integrity without fear in the spirits of one's enemies. This was, all along, why Ionia had to suffer before she learned her lesson. The old ways worked for the past, but the future did not adhere to the laws of yesterday and thankfully, someone was making sure the laws were on their side of the field this time. So yes, a bit of brutality here and there? That was just some necessary evil. From Navori, to Weh'le and to Puboe, or anywhere else in Ionia, criminals of the war remained hidden, outcasts that were condemned when their evil dreams sank and their ambitions were met with nothing but the wrath of justice. (Someone) had to pull out the weeds and end this infestation because if no one did so much, there will be no tree for her former masters to Prune. Well, and the thrill of the hunt made it all the more exciting.

She turned him over with the heel of her shoe. Poor bastard did not make a pretty sight no more. For a gang leader and a traitor of his homeland, who gambled on the misfortune of his people and tried to chase privileges in foreign empires, he was quite the charm. But now most of all that was lost and the true ugliness of himself was brought to the light. Of course that required some little help of her kama, that was unsurprisingly quite the effective thing. He was given a choice, after all, to confess his guilt and spurt out his secrets, in exchange for a quick passing; he declined. So why would she feel remorseful for her actions, like for one when she first dag deep her blade into his skin and peeled his entire arm off with the precision of a mad surgeon, or when he tried to strike her for a wild attempt to freedom and she slashed the fingers of his feet? Or when she caught lies in his testimony and he forced her to slice across chest and lower torso, smoothly removing the ugly clothing so that perhaps when his heart would come closer to the light he would at least feel less confident in his escaping efforts? She loved that one, watching the steel glide so effortlessly, like scissors on paper, almost brushing against the bones. Perhaps the Kinkou was not so useless, teaching her all about human anatomy and that much. It definitely brought the two so much closer.

He weakly moved his head, with every fiber of his dying being begging only with his eyes. He had seen a kunai before, it killed all his friends so peacefully and what he feared now he longed desperately for. She tilted her scalp. "Oh this? Yeah, it can probably end the pain," she jabbed with a smirk. "But I'm not sure I should do that little favour for you. You see, you turned on my people and then you tried to hide from punishment. You kind of became my problem. And I'm really good at dealing with my problems."

The ghost closes his eyes and flails weakly, as he cries but his tears come no more. But he can hear her smile. It's wicked, it's cruel and it has a voice of its own, that he will remember even when he reaches the skies, the spirit be good. His whole life he fought for a better future for his child, for a chance to save her from the poverty of their family, the cold of the winter and the cruel hunger. His whole life Ionia turned its back on his child that lived in the streets and when he turned his back on them in return, is this what he deserves? To hell with honour and patriotism, they never kept mouths fed; the invaders did. The invaders sheltered them and gave them seats at the table. So to hell with this righteous wench, to hell with it all, why was he so undeserving of a quick death?

But she never answered, she never asked, she never doubted and she never pondered. Why would she ponder, on a killer of the defenseless? On an enabler of the tyrants? On a selfish fool that brought the blades of the enemy into their land and guided them into the bodies of the weak? They murdered, they usurped, they raped and for what? The honour of dying in the wars of someone else that proclaimed himself a righteous conqueror? Was that it, a life any better? Was that enough to trade the suffering of thousands? Was that worth the trauma that now scars them?

Akali doesn't think so. Now twilight falls, and forgiveness is a privileged the guilty have lost.

Innocence Is Not Knowing That You’re Innocent (2/5)

Belle knows her brother pretty well. He likes comic books, he cheats at board games, and he wants more than anything to be human again. So, when he wakes up one morning with no memory of the fact that he’s a demon, she figures there’s no reason to remind him just yet. He deserves some time to just enjoy being Dipper, and not have to be Alcor.

Unfortunately, she can’t hide Dipper from the demon forever.

Chapter 2: Trouble in Paradise (link to chapter 1)

Special thanks again to @toothpastecanyon​ for beta reading and being super cool!

(See the most updated version on AO3!)

===

“Dipper! Belle! Dinner!”

Belle, jumping around in her room and jamming to Evaporate the Dancefloor by &ndra, pulled out her earbuds. “Is someone calling me?” she yelled.

“Yes, I said it’s dinner time!” Lionel called back.

“Oh. Coming!” She dashed out of the room, ran down the stairs, and took a seat at the table. A plate of spaghetti sat before her. Belle eyed it, frowning.

“Something wrong?”

Belle balanced her chin on her fist. “Dad, what was your artistic intent with this dinner? I love the direction, but, I don’t know, I’m just not feeling it, yknow? It just doesn’t speak to me.”

Lionel gave her a thin smile. “My intent was to make sure you don’t starve.”

“Oh, I’m starving alright. I’m emotionally starved!” She leaned back in her chair, resting the back of her hand on her forehead dramatically. “This might be good enough for you and Dipper, but I need a dinner that makes me think!”

“If you don’t like this, you can make an emotionally stimulating dinner for the three of us tomorrow night. Speaking of which, have you seen your brother? His dinner is going to get cold.”

“I’m here,” Dipper said, shuffling into the room. He took his usual seat at the table -- next to Belle -- and his whole body seemed to droop. Belle raised an eyebrow. She glanced at her dad, who seemed to be having the same reaction

The three of them were silent for a minute, and then Lionel coughed. “So, how was school, you two?”

Belle leaned over the table, putting her weight onto her palms. “It was great! Mindy and I presented our history project and Mrs. Riviera seemed to like it! I personally think bedazzling the poster board is what put us over the top -- Mindy says it was the extra detail we put into finding primary sources about gnomes instead of relying on Wikipedia, but I guess we just think differently!” She slid back into her seat, a satisfied grin on her face.

“Good job. I know you worked hard on that project.” He turned to Dipper, and his smile faded a bit. “Dipper? How about you?”

Dipper poked sullenly at his spaghetti with a fork. “It was okay.”

Belle bopped him on the shoulder. “Come on, you big nerd, you like school too much to not have anything to say about it.”

He shrugged, and swirled a noodle around his fork.

“Didn’t you have a test today?” Lionel asked. “How’d that go?”

Dipper jerked upright, looking like a deer in headlights. “Oh… y-yeah,” he stuttered. “It, uh. It didn’t go so well.”

Belle put down her fork and tilted her head. “Why not?”

“I don’t know, it was weird.” He started fiddling with his fork, trying to avoid making eye contact with either of them. “I thought it’d be a piece of cake, but then I got there and I didn’t know any of the answers. I don’t know why -- I thought I knew this stuff, but it’s just... gone or something.”

“Aw, that’s okay, my bromide! It’s not, haha, it’s not like you’re supposed to know everything!”

“That’s the thing -- for some dumb reason, I didn’t even study! I thought I’d just know.” He turned to Lionel, and shrank back into his seat under his father’s gaze. “Sorry dad… I know I’m supposed to do better than that.”

“It’s alright,” Lionel responded. Dipper picked his head up again, looking even more confused than before. “It’s great that this matters to you, but everyone makes mistakes.”

“I, uh… I just failed a test. Aren’t you mad at me?”

“No….?” Lionel trailed off as Belle furiously tried to signal him to stop, change lanes, take an immediate U-turn, stat! Unfortunately, none of that meaning seemed to be getting communicated to him. He furrowed his brow in confusion, cueing Dipper to look at her too, and so she stopped.

“Anyway,” he continued, “it’s not the end of the world if you don’t know everything. I’m sure it’ll be back by next time.”

Belle bolted out of her seat, jostling the table and spilling some pasta sauce onto her skirt. “Hey dad! Can I talk to you alone for a moment?”

“We’re in the middle of dinner. Can it wait?”

“I guess so,” she responded through clenched teeth.

She sat back down and stared at her plate, trying to ignore the suspicious glances Dipper kept sending her way. He seemed confused enough at her outburst to have stopped asking questions for the minute, and Lionel must’ve taken some amount of the hint as he didn’t try to restart the conversation, so the three of them ate their spaghetti in mostly silence.

It felt wrong -- Dipper usually had some wild conspiracy theory he had been investigating and couldn’t wait to talk to literally anyone about, so he’d regale them at the dinner table while Belle provided comic relief and Lionel watched his kids with amusement and pride. That had been before Gravity Falls; they still had interesting dinner conversations after Dipper found out that he was Alcor in disguise, but they were of a different calibre, because conspiracy theories no longer tickled his interest when he had infinite knowledge. For now, he was basically human, and he should be getting to enjoy the mystery of unsolvable conspiracy theories again, but instead there was silence and Belle felt the pit in her stomach grow and grow.

This wasn’t good, but it was fixable. After dinner, Dipper went to the bathroom and she cornered her dad to remind him that he couldn’t talk about demon stuff around Dipper. When he got out of the bathroom, she pulled him into the TV room and put on Pony Magic Academy, but left the remote near him so he could quickly snatch it up, change it to something else, and forget his suspicions amidst a sibling squabble. It was the tried and true art of distraction, and it seemed to work, but the heavy feeling in Belle’s stomach just got worse as she thought about how easily she was manipulating him.

It’s okay to be protective of him, she thought, as he put on Ghost Hunters and glued himself to the screen.

It’s for his own good, she thought, as they went upstairs and listened to his favorite top 40 hits.

He’s happier not knowing, she thought, as she got into bed and bid her twin goodnight.

I’m doing the right thing, she thought, as she closed her eyes and wandered off to dreamless sleep

---

Belle poked at the food on her lunch tray. It kind of wobbled in response, which was weird because the lunch room had advertised it as “Chicken Soup”. The quality of food in the cafeteria wasn’t usually incredible, but this was something else.

She looked up as Dipper dropped his tray across the table from her and sat down. The gelatinous cube on his tray was reddish-brown instead of green -- he must’ve gotten “Meatloaf”.

“Well, this sucks,” he said. Belle was rather inclined to agree with him. “Do you have any of that rainbow sparkle sugar glitter you always carry around?”

Her eyes lit up. Dipper never usually agreed to letting her put candy sparkles on his food, citing the fact that it “wasn’t technically food” and “had that FDA-banned type of denser sugar that was way more potent than normal sugar”.

“Do I!” she squealed. She fished around in her backpack, and her expression fell. “No I do not.”

They both sighed. He speared a piece of jelly with his fork and looked at it wistfully. “If I die eating this, you’ll tell dad I love him?”

“Only if you come back as a ghost and do the same for me.”

“Yeah, right. If I become a ghost, it better be for a much cooler reason than that. Like… to take revenge on whoever killed me, or maybe ooh to play pranks on hotel guests. You know how they always do that, in the movies? Imagine just pranking rich people in hotels for eternity.”

He laughed, and Belle’s stomach did a somersault. “Yeah but you wouldn’t want to be a ghost, right?”

“If you’re asking whether I want lethal cafeteria food poisoning, the answer is no.”

“No… yknow…” Her eyes shifted nervously. “If- WHEN you die, would you want to be a ghost?”

He seemed to consider it for a few minutes. “I’d say probably not,” he responded finally. ��From what I’ve read about ghosts, they’re kind of obsessed with whatever their reason for becoming a ghost is. I’m not really the obsessive type, so I wouldn’t want to get stuck obsessing over something until some ghost hunter puts me out of my misery.”

Belle screwed her face up, torn between relief at the reassurance that she was doing the right thing by keeping Dipper in the dark about his true nature, and amusement at the idea that Dipper wasn’t an obsessive nerd. She settled on a smile, but then the picture wandered into her mind of a demon obsessed with tracking down reincarnations of his human sister, and the smile melted away.

“Hey!” A cheery voice broke into Belle’s thoughts. She looked up to see Onika holding a gold encrusted lunch tray. “Mind if I sit with you two?”

“Sure thing!” Belle trilled. “What’s up?”

“Oh, everything’s great. There was a test in the spells class I’m in and I aced it with flying colors! Literally, the test was to create a rainbow. Most of the class only succeeded in making it rain hair bows. Hey…” She elbowed Belle, and pointed at Dipper. “Why’s Mr. Reality Bender giving me the stink eye right now?”

“Hey Onika, I have to go the bathroom!” Belle babbled, shooting to her feet before Dipper could even open his mouth.

“Okay… good for you…”

“Yeah, but uh, girls always go together, so come on!”

She hooked her arm around Onika’s and dragged her away from the table, leaving behind a very confused looking Dipper.

“What’s going on, Sterling?” Onika asked when they got to the bathroom. “Spill.”

“Don’t mention any demon stuff!” Belle hissed. “He doesn’t remember that he’s Alcor!”

“What? How does he forget something like that?”

Belle rubbed her temples, frustrated that no one seemed to immediately understand the genius behind her madness. “His body’s glitching or something, his memory will come back soon, but I want to hold that off as long as I can because look at how happy being human makes him!”

Onika looked nonplussed. “He seems kinda pissed, if you ask me.”

“Yeah, but he’s always like that! I know he’s happier this way -- he told me when he had his memories that he wishes he could just have a normal, human life, and not have to know what he really is. Now he gets to, at least for a little while!”

“Okay.... that sort of makes sense…” Onika replied, with the air of someone who did not think it made any sense at all, “but if he doesn’t remember that he’s not human, why would he be happy that he doesn’t remember that he’s not human?”

Belle stared at her, opening and closing her mouth several times, gears in her head grinding against the grain to try to fight off a series of thoughts she didn’t want to be having. First dad, and now Onika? Did no one care about Dipper’s happiness other than her?

A sly smile crept onto Onika’s face at the lack of response, and Belle pouted. “He just is, okay? It’s deep inside of him or whatever, I don’t know.”

“Alright, you’re the boss. I’ll just pretend your brother is a normal human that I’m allowed to have a crush on again.” Belle’s jaw dropped, and Onika laughed. “Kidding! I’m kidding. Can we go back to the table now? I’m done not-peeing.”

Dipper had the same annoyed look on his face when they got back. It looked like he’d hardly touched his food in the meantime, and was practically following her eyes as she sat down.

She giggled nervously. “How’s it going, bro-bro?”

“Not bad,” he said slowly. “Having a great lunch over here by myself. How was the bathroom?”

“What? Oh yeah, so much fun. You know me, I love a good bathroom!”

Onika looked back and forth between them. “Hey, is this a weird conversation or is it just me?”

“No, everything’s fine!” Belle replied at the same time as Dipper said “No, it’s weird.” The two of them locked eyes for a moment, and Belle broke into a big, saccharine smile. Dipper rolled his eyes, and went back to his food.

Onika whistled. “Wow, having a sibling the same age as you must be exhausting. Good thing my sister’s 24. Anyway, the reason I came over was to ask if you two are doing anything for Halloween next week. My parents are throwing a party -- it’ll be very fancy and a downright bore, but maybe you’d want to come and keep me company.”

Belle clapped excitedly. “That sounds fun! I bet none of the fancy pantses are gonna use your antigravity pool -- we could take a swim!”

Dipper seemed to sink into his seat, and continued to spoon coagulated meatstuff into his mouth. Belle snapped a finger in front of his face. “Hey! Dipper! Did you hear Onika? Wanna go air swimming on Halloween?”

He shrugged. “That sounds fun, but… it’s Halloween, shouldn’t we be out getting lost in the woods or hunting ghosts?”

Oh yeah. Alcor could fly whenever he wanted. They should spend Halloween doing stuff that a demon wouldn’t enjoy in the same way a human would. She glanced at Onika, who hopefully had come to the same conclusion.

“Hunting ghosts definitely sounds better than a fancy dress party,” Onika said. “Well, I at least figured I’d ask. See you two later!” With that, she got up from the table, dropped her tray in the garbage, and strutted majestically out of the room.

Belle whistled. “She’s really something, isn’t she?” She smiled to herself, and then turned back to her brother, who had somehow sunk even further and was at risk of falling out of his seat altogether. “Hey, what’s going on down there?”

“Nothing.”

“I’ll say, cause it looks like you’ve forgotten how gravity works!”

She grabbed his arm and tried pulling him back into his seat, which he obliged to with a large groan. He slumped over, cheek pressed into the table, not caring about the scraps of unknown food he was lying on. Belle prodded him in the forehead a few times, and then cocked her head.

“Well, I guess my brother is broken! I’ll have to find a new one! Seriously, what’s up?”

He sighed. “Okay, it’s just… embarrassing, so don’t make fun of me okay?”

“Definitely not, and that’s a Belle promise!” She mimed zipping her lips and throwing away the key. For some reason, that made him flinch.

“Okay. I’m just tired of only hanging out with your friends. Don’t get me wrong, Onika’s great, but it’d be nice if I had some friends of my own.”

Belle slapped herself in the forehead. “Ohhhhhh, duh! How could I be so delightfully naive? Yeah, you should make some friends! I can help you! I’ll give you tips!”

“You’re weirdly enthusiastic about this,” he said, picking himself up. He grimaced at the sticky patch that his shirt had received from lying on the table. “Thanks, though. Twins?”

Belle beamed and fist-bumped him. “Twins!”

The bell chose that moment to ring, and the room was filled with clattering as people scrambled from their seats. “Oh, heck-a-poo, we’re gonna be late for gym class!” Belle babbled, jumping up.

“Maybe later we’ll figure out some Halloween plans?” Dipper asked, after they’d emptied their trays and were heading out of the room. “If I’ve got new friends by then, we can -”

He was cut off by a carton of milk colliding with his face and exploding. He stumbled, eyes closed and sputtering, and Belle gasped.

“Hah, nerd!” chortled a voice in the crowd of people streaming from the room.

“Are you alright?” Belle asked, pulling him aside. At that moment, the bell rang again, and Dipper’s eyes sprang open in panic.

“Crap, we’re going to be tardy!” he yelped. He grabbed Belle’s arm and ran down the hall to his locker.

“Bro-bro, you’ve got milk on your face.”

“It’s fine! I’ll clean it off in the locker room! If I could only find my gym clothes… argh!” He rummaged through his locker, pulling notebooks and binders out and tossing them aside. “Crap, crap, crap, where are they? I’ll get in trouble if I don’t have them!” He slammed the door shut, and slid down the face of it until he reached the floor.

“It’ll be alright, we’ll just tell Mr. Plinker that you left them at home…”

“No, you don’t understand! This always happens!” His fists were clenched and his face was starting to turn red. “Someone stole them, I know it!”

“What? This always happens?”

“Yeah, some jerks are always stealing my gym clothes and hiding them in toilets, the dumpster, whatever!”

“I, uh…” Belle started to feel like her mind was caught in a taffy puller. “Always? Even… last week?”

“Yes, always, since the start of the year! I’m sick of it, it’s so stupid! I wish I just magically knew where everything was without looking for it!”

He slammed his fist into the locker next to him, and the sound rang abnormally loudly through the suddenly empty hall. Belle opened her mouth to respond, but faltered when she noticed the goop on his face, the icky lumps of dairy left behind as the milk he had been splashed with mysteriously curdled on his skin.

She bit back a gasp -- this didn’t have to be a demonic powers thing, he might have just assumed that the milk was spoiled in the carton, or maybe he hadn’t even noticed because of how angry he was. Now wasn’t the time for her to be planning her next lie (and oh how she wished that wasn’t something she was seriously setting aside time for now). She grabbed his arm and helped him to his feet. He grumbled some fashion of thanks, and she walked him over to the boys bathroom so he could wash his face off. She offered to go in with him, but for some reason he wasn’t quite comfortable with that.

So, she was left waiting for him in the hall (she was already late for gym class, so she might as well be as late as him), and it was there that the soup of unwanted thoughts in her head started to curdle too. He’d said that people had been stealing his gym clothes since the beginning of the year, which meant that it’d been happening even when he knew he was Alcor. He definitely could’ve gotten them to stop with his powers, so he must’ve been letting it happen.

But why? Was it because he didn’t want to blow his cover and reveal his true nature? Or… did he actually like being bullied, because it felt like the other students were treating him just like any other teenager? But Dipper without his memories was clearly really upset at being bullied, just like he had been before Gravity Falls. And that led Belle to the thought that she’d been stomping her foot down on more times than she’d like since this whole memories thing began: was Dipper actually happier with his memories than without?

She was still dwelling on it when he came out of the bathroom, face a little less red and all traces of milk gone. He grumbled some more at her, but she barely parsed it, so distracted she was by the way her mind was turning itself over and over again.

It’s okay to be protective of him, she thought, as they walked down the hall to the gymnasium.

It’s for his own good, she thought, as Mr. Plinker yelled at him for losing his gym clothes.

He’s happier not knowing, she thought, to block out the snickering when the two of them walked by a crowd of students on the bleachers.

I’m doing the right thing, she thought, and she felt worse and worse with every passing rationalization until she found herself wishing that this entire thing was just a bad dream from which she’d soon awake.

(AO3 link)

Mama × b.b.

summary: In their darkest moments of despair people call for their mothers, but Bucky could never understand why.

Warnings: dark as shit, angst, lots of death, torture, starvation-dehydration-sleep deprivation, violence, just kinda sad imo

a/n: closest thing to whump I've ever written and I'm not sure how I feel. to me the flow is awkward but I think it came out how I wanted it. enjoy 🧡

trigger warning

Bucky's seen a lot of people die in the war. He's seen a lot. He's noted the way the light leaves their eyes, he's noted the way the pain stops the moment just before they're gone, he's noted the way their hands shake, their whole body quivering, and he can never tell if it's from fear, or their body being incapable of processing the pain.

There was one particular thing that was consistent, even among the strongest, toughest soldier, and no matter how many times Bucky heard it, it sent chills down his spine everytime;

they called for their mother.

Never their father, their nanny, beloved pet, their drill instructor, their aunt. No, always their mother. Naturally not every single man did it, but the amount that did shocked Bucky.

Even orphaned men, men who were silent, shy or emotionless, shamelessly calling for a saving grace. Each using their own delegated term for her: mother, mam, ma, mama, mum, mommy, mammy, mutter, he's heard it all, in every language he could thing of.

The first time he'd heard it, it was a chilling awakening to reality. As he heard it more often he began to wonder the reasoning behind it. Surely these smart, strong intelligent young men weren't looking for their mother to appear on the battlefield and magically heal them? Realistically, there was nothing one's mother could do in a situation like that, it would only result in collateral.

He figured it was an apology. A plea for forgiveness, a cry for mercy, that her child– the one she carried, and fed, the one she invested her love in, the one she raised and guided to adulthood– an apology from him, for abandoning her, for leaving her when it was his turn to take care of her, for causing an irreparable hole in her life. Yes, an apology it was, but only the tiniest bit.

But he came to find, that in truth, it was a call. A man regressing to his first instinct, wailing for his mother like he did when he first came into the world, looking for the safety and comfort she once provided. That's what they were looking for: safety.

Regardless of who they were, what their upbringing was, or even their relationship with their mother, she held him and kept him safe for nine months. For many she was so much more than temporary residence, she sacrificed, sought her child's best interest, and loved. Oh, the power of love, and to be the first one to ever love someone, to have that kind of impact on them.

Their whole lives these men had relied on their mother for answers, for comfort, healing, they relied on her to fix things. She always knows where their socks were, where their homework was, how to fix a skinned knee, how to fix a cowlick. And now, when these men are lost and scared, with no sense of security guiding them into the afterlife, they'd turn to her, because she must know. The infant-like belief that she'll protect them if they call for her.

That was absolutely jarring for Bucky.

He could never imagine doing it himself, despite how his friends back home used to joke about him being a mama's boy. He always protested, but only for the sake of his dignity, because they were in fact, correct.

She was a gentle woman. Mild-mannered and polite, like most women in the 30's, but her temper was enough to ignite wet hay. She reminded him of Steve more times than he'd admit, and the idea of leaving either of them– dying– it wasn't something he would let himself think about often.

He thought of her when he fell off the train. He thought of her before he even got on the train. The second before he hit the ground, an apology was ghosting his lips, awaiting release.

He didn't think of her again until after he got his arm. His focus was on the pain. There was so much pain. His hands shake whenever he thinks about it. He didn't understand what was happening at the time. He wasn't sure if he was dead or alive, or what they wanted with him. He thought maybe this was the afterlife, this was his punishment for killing all those men during the war. He couldn't understand.

They made him understand. They beat him, trained him, taught him. He will understand now.

But he didn't. He couldn't understand Russian, he didn't understand why they'd beat him, he didn't understand why no one was coming to save him. Even when they spoke his language, he still didn't understand.

They broke him. They tied him up, bound his wrists and bound his ankles, and they pushed him to his knees.

He didn't understand why they made him take his shirt off. He didn't understand why they hammered his flesh fingers until the bones splintered, why they laughed whenever someone would land a punch on him, why they won't let him rest. He hasn't slept in three days because of their "testing"

He knows they're only testing him for entertainment, and they know he knows. He knows his body is trying so hard to heal, but with no food or water, no rest, and new wounds constantly opening, it's fighting a losing battle.

He thought they might let up soon, the two men seemingly tired of his misery, but he didn't even have the energy to flinch when two new men entered, one with a whip, the other with a knife.

He couldn't take it. The first lash on his back enough send him over the edge. This was too far.

"Stop."

His voice sounded foreign to his own ears. Whether it was the incessant ringing, or the dry rasp in his throat, he didn't care enough to wonder.

A shared amused look between the two men was barely visible through his swollen eyes. He could feel his eyes working their hardest to produce tears, but the days of dehydration left his body unable to release anything.

He was humiliated. He was tired. He was hurt. He was broken. He was lost. He was confused.

The combination of these would have made any man terrified, but he didn't even have the energy to be scared. No, he wasn't scared.

He was homesick.

The memory of home was fuzzy, he couldn't even really remember what the concept was. His brain felt like goop from the past few days, so he couldn't quite pinpoint what it was about home, but he knew he wanted it. He missed it.

The flash of an alley, a porch with an iron railing, rain on asphalt, tall brick buildings with lots of windows, the smell of car exhaust and cigarette smoke, a tiled floor.

He didn't know why these random flashes in his head made his chest tug with longing, and why they were so comforting. He tried to hold onto them, to catch them as they shot through his mind.

Another sharp lash across his back broke him from his thoughts, a raw hoarse scream painfully tearing from his vocal cords. His thoughts were far from home. He was suddenly in the room again. The present is the only thing he knows. Pain.

He believes it wasn't always like this, there was a time before the pain. His mind drifts again. He wants security, safety, comfort. He wants to be held, and not hurt. He wants to be cared for– no, he needs it.

A strike across his back, tearing from the scarred flesh on his shoulder, across the other two lashes, and down to his hip.

Mama. A broken, dry sob fires through him, the word like sandpaper in his mouth. The impact sends him lurching forward, almost falling, his hair tumbling and sticking to his bloodied face.

He has broken.

•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•

He remembers her.

The first time they wipe him it doesn't work, they just electrocuted the super soldier. He whispers the word again, his body nearly burned from the failed procedure.

The second time they succeed enough. He doesn't remember who he is. He remembers home, he remembers her, he remembers Steve, but he doesn't know how he fits, or how they relate to him.

The third time, the fourth time, the times when they start to lose count, he's gone. He's pliant. He knows his orders and what he's told. That's all he knows. There's still a gentle faceless frame of safety and comfort lingering in the dark part of his mind. It's fuzzy and hurts his head to think about, but he knows it.

Even when he doesn't know himself, he remembers her.

And then there comes a time where he forgets. His last ounce of comfort, the last remnant of humanity was forgotten.

And then he was lost.

Survey #224

“i don’t miss you, i miss the misery.”

What’s a hobby you would like to try out? Digital art. What sort of a kiss do you count as the first kiss? A mutual effort to kiss. Like, you both purse your lips. What time is too early for you? 5:00 A.M. is generally when if I wake up, I'll go back to bed. Have you ever won a raffle? If so, what’ve you won? Yes, actually. I very faintly remember winning something up in New York at a bowling alley as a family when I was little. Idr what we won. What’s the most useless thing you have vast knowledge on? Probably Silent Hill lol, if we're talking about truly useless. Video game lore and such knowledge isn't exactly truly useful. Is there anything you feel you’re better at than anybody else? No. What’s the biggest insect you’ve ever seen? Uhhh probably some kind of beetle. How about the biggest spider? A bird-eating tarantula when I was at the reptile convention with Sara. When’s the last time you played Pac-Man? WOW, it's been years. I've only ever played it on my childhood GameBoy. What is your favorite winter Olympic sport? I guess ice skating is pretty, but I don't care about sports. You Internet dies; what do you do for the next little while? Ummm this is when I feel like a caveman lmao. Probably... play Nintendogs on my DS. I hate hate hate how reliant I am on technology. What was the last test you completely failed? Recently on my first math test of this year. I bombed it, but at least I wasn't alone I guess. Oh look, it’s snowing outside! Do you get excited? Hell yes. Is your room covered in posters, or pretty bare? My walls are coooooverrrrrred. What sport do you completely fail at? I went to a volleyball summer camp thing in school years upon years ago and that shit HURT. I don't think I stayed the whole duration of it. Do you ever question life and existence? Not really anymore. Why does it really even matter why we're here, just make the most of it. Admit it, we all love brand named clothes. What’s your favorite? I genuinely don't care about brand names. Would you ever risk having a house party when you’re parents are gone? Hell no. What are you plans for the future? Achieve a stable career, learn to drive and have my own car, buy my own home, move in with the person I love, have lots of pets, and most importantly just be happy and content. Is your cell phone on vibrate? It pretty much always is. Is your dishwasher full? We don't have a dishwasher; we have to wash by hand. What are your thoughts on Avenged Sevenfold? I don't know many of their songs, but they're fine, from what I've heard. Have you ever played tennis? No, I don't have that coordination. Have you ever played fetch with a dog? I think so. Have you ever pet a stingray? No. Who is the last baby you held? Colleen's son forever ago because she needed me to. Would you ever consider being a cannibal? Wow no. Do you have any scars from an animal? Possibly, idk. I have a lot of small scars. How have you been sleeping? Awful. I've pretty damn consistently been having screaming fits (I mean, actually shrieking) at night where I attack my bed from nightmares. I actually recently hurt my hand from it. I want to go to the doctor about it, it's really worrying me. Are you adopted? No. Do you like scrapbooking? I'm not really a crafts person, no. Do you collect anything valuable? No. How many house phones do you have? Zero. We only use cellphones. Do you know anyone with an eating disorder? I don't believe so, thankfully. What was the last thing you killed? I at least tried crushing a flea. Mom used some kind of spray on the dogs outside, but it resulted in them just hopping off them inside too, apparently. Whose number did you last get? I have no idea. Have you ever thought about stepping in front of a car? I mean, I've had like those passive thoughts; you know, like when you're up somewhere high and your brain tells you to jump. But never seriously. Have you ever lied down in the middle of the street? Don't give me The Notebook flashbacks pls sobs. Anyway, ha ha, yes, only because my sister wanted a picture of us huddled together when Misty was here? Everyone loves that picture though so thanks for taking it Jason, lol. Do you listen to explicit music? Some songs, sure. Have you ever used someone for money? I could never live with myself doing that. Do you own colored eyeliner? No, just black. When was the last time that you had a pet that died? Some time last year when we got two sick rats in a row. Have you ever tried peanut butter and bananas together? Yeah, pb&banana sandwiches are pretty good. Do you have any mental disorders? *opens notes* Chronic depression, crippling social anxiety, severe generalized anxiety, bipolarity II, AvPD, PTSD, and OCD W O W ! ! ! ! ! Have you ever had to live with a friend? Yes, when we got evicted in '17. Do you believe everything happens for a reason? Hell no. Why does the little kid have leukemia? So God can scare you into faith to save the child he cursed with the disease? Why did my sick kitten get run over when I was a kid? Why was my sister almost raped as a teen? I could go on forever about this. Life gets a lot more bearable once you just accept the shit isn't fair and has no rhyme or reason. You just have to live with it. Do you believe in sex before marriage? I believe in sex once you feel truly in love with someone. Just be safe with it. Do you know anyone who married their high school sweetheart? Two, off the top of my head. Have you ever known anyone who died at war? I don''t think so. Who was the last person to hug you? My niece of nephew, I'm sure. Who is your favorite female celebrity? ... Wowie, why are like, all the ones I'm seriously invested in males. I suppose maybe Eugenia Cooney? Her recovery and development is like so fucking beautiful and I am 99.99% there isn't a sweeter person in existence. Were you nervous on your first day of high school? A little bit, of course. Three words to describe your best friend: Loyal, honest, and supportive as all fuck. Are you literally afraid of anyone? Yes. Who did you last take a picture with? My dad, I think? Literally forever ago? Who was the last person to comfort you? Sara. Who was the last person to unsurprisingly disappoint you? Mom. If she says "yeah we'll do (whatever)," don't hold her to it, ever. If you answer a question wrong in class, does it embarrass you? YEAH. What’s your favorite Lady Gaga song? "Bad Romance" is the shit. I also really like the "Love Game" remix with Marilyn Manson in it. Would you date someone who smokes? No sir. Would you date someone who was addicted to drugs? Why or why not? That's an even bigger "no sir." Would you date the same sex? Why or why not? Well yeah, 'cuz I'm bisexual. What’s your biggest turn off? Physically, bad hygiene. Personality-wise, being full of yourself and overly-confident is such a turn-off. What’s your biggest turn on, physically? Do. Not. Touch. My. Boobs. Where would you go on a first date? Me personally, I think a safe bet is the movies. The first date is always so nerve-wracking, so a movie takes away some of the pressure to talk as much as you can. HOWEVER, I think it's very important to have bonding/getting to know each other time, so I think having a meal together is a nice addition. Most hurtful relationship? The ending of mine and Jason's. Ever regretted breaking up with someone? No. Have you ever dated someone more than once? No. Do you miss any of your exes? I mean, I miss Jason as a friend, though I know it's probably for the better we no longer associate with one another. What’s your biggest turn on, NOT physically? Romance. Act respectful, like you truly love and want me as a partner. Obviously see me as your equal. What is the sweetest thing someone you dated did for you? Probably Sara actually listening and not getting jealous or annoyed by me talking about my occasional bad PTSD days. Last time you got flowers? A random day Tyler came over when we were dating in early '17. Are you ready to get into a serious relationship right now? I'm in one now. Do you like cuddling? If I romantically like you, I am a total cuddlebug. Do you regret dating anyone? Why or why not? Idk. I wanna say Tyler, but I mean, it tested my ability to say "fuck no I'm not dealing with (whatever trait)." Most important lesson you have learned from dating? DO!!! NOT!!!!! EVER!!!!!! RELY!!!!! ON A PERSON!!!!!! TO BE!!!!!!!! YOUR SOLE SOURCE!!!!!!!!!!! OF HAPPINESS!!!!!!!!!!! What does it take to get you on a date? I mean, ask? Be clear that you're interested in me? Are you happier single or in a relationship? In a relationship. I just feel like there's some sort of validation I'm an interesting and/or fun person. Favorite ex? This is a... weird question. I mean, Girt is the only one I remain in contact with and adore as a friend, but I was VERY easily most in love with Jason. How important are looks? I really can't say I care much. I mean yes, it's harder to be sexually attracted to someone you don't find visually pleasing, but I've dated people I wasn't physically attracted to before, and looks didn't hold me back from dating them or being romantically attracted to them. How do you know when you are in love? Oh, you know. I can't really explain it, you just like... know. If someone cheated on you, would you take them back if you really loved them? NO SIR-EE. Have you ever been ashamed of anyone you were dating? No. Favorite memories with an ex? I don't want to ponder this for my PTSD's sake. I have a novel of "favorite" memories with him. Would you name a child of yours after you? Ugh, no. I honestly hate that. Like... it seems so egotistical, and why would you WANT to?? Like... that's your name. I just don't get it, at all. Obsessions? Markiplier is ACTUALLY the Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit, & I love lots of other YouTubers (no others really to the point of obsession tho, I'd say.... well, maybe Game Grumps), m e e r k a t s, the Silent Hill series, uhhhhh maybe that's it as far as real obsession goes. Perhaps Shadow of the Colossus with how many times I've played and beaten the thing. Addictions? I'm perfectly aware and regretful of just how reliant I am on technology. I turn into a caveman without it. I'm proooobably addicted to soda, fuckin' rip. Do you speak another language? Not anymore. I want to take German again, though, to refresh my memory and further improve, but I only really plan to if I have serious plans to visit Germany. Do you have a webpage? I have a Wix for my photography that I spent eons on jc. Do you live in the moment? Honestly, I don't feel so, most of the time at least. I'm always worrying and thinking about the future. Do you consider yourself tolerant of others? I'm, for the most part, extremely tolerant, though I can't decide if it's a good or bad thing that I'm becoming less so with time. Like ex., now, I seriously don't think I could be your friend if you don't support gay rights. There's just some shit I see as so ridiculous that I don't want to associate with you and give you my tolerance of your bullshit, hateful opinion. Do you ever pretend to be someone else just to look cool? I'm 23 years old. What are your #1 priorities in life? My happiness, my health, Sara, my pets. Is there anything you fear or hate about yourself? Yeah. Certain types or urges in different situations, my religious anger and spite, my absolutely malice for my sister's horrid dog that for whatever fucking reason lives with us and not her... that kinda stuff. I think mostly just things relating to anger. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? Hey anxiety, could you like?????????????? fuck off???????????????? Do you think you are emotionally strong? I will fucking NOT associate with your ass if you think I'm not after all the shit I've been through. Period. Not up for debate. What is your first name? *intro to B. Spears' "Gimme More" plays in the distance* Who was the first person you spoke to in person today? My mother. What was your first pet? The family cat Chance. If you mean like, actually mine, either Squeak the guinea pig or Shadow the Chinese water dragon. What was your first job? A GameStop sales clerk. How long was your first relationship? In my puppy-dog love middle school experience, maybe like, a couple of months? My first real one was three and half years. Who was the first person to break your heart? If you mean in any form, not just romantically, my dad when he abandoned us. Romantically, Jason. First person to give you flowers or candy on Valentine’s day? Other than my loved ones, Aaron, my 7th grade bf. First band you obsessed about? Truly obsessed with, Ozzy Osbourne. I loved Green Day as a kid, but it wasn't an obsession. First place you lived? Along the coastal plain/Piedmont border in North Carolina. First alcoholic beverage? Mike's Hard Lemonade. gud shit. First place someone took you on a date? I think Aaron and I went on a group date to the rollerskating rink first? That was a great day. Can you do a backflip? I'd break my neck, homie. Are you listening to anything right now? I'm binging Mother Mother. "Letter" is on right now. What do you do when you can’t fall asleep? Do exactly what you shouldn't do and get on the laptop, lmao. What’s the biggest lie you’ve told someone? There's something I told Jason in my first letter to him after the breakup that I honestly... don't know if it was a lie or not. I was so goddamn hurt that I'd say almost anything. I don't want to talk about it, though. Have you ever been hit on by someone of the same sex? She's my girlfriend of two years, I'd hope she woulda by now, lmao. Have you ever been engaged and broke it off? Nope. Have you ever found pictures on your camera you don’t remember taking? I don't think so. Has anyone ever drawn a picture of you? I don't believe so. WAIT. Tyler drew a picture of me and him, I think? At least she had my common outfit. Have you ever dated a redhead? No. Where is your favorite place to go when you want to be alone? I'm always in my room alone, so like- Do you have any nieces or nephews? Boy, a lot. Do any of your friends have children? Yes. Is there anything you’re craving right now? I've honestly been a horny POS for forever now. What caused the last argument you had? My sister's mother-in-law being a homophobic piece of garbage. What was the last movie you watched? Good question. It's been a long time. Where were you the last time you kissed someone? The airport. Where was your last paycheck from? The day I worked at the dollar store for two hours and got $9 lmao. What was the last school you received a degree from? My high school. What did the last key you used go to? My house. Don’t tell me lies, so is the last person you texted attractive? She's gorgeous. Have you ever thought about getting your tongue pierced? I have snake eyes now, which I got done twice, because the first time, it was pierced too far back, so the swelling of my tongue literally started to swallow/heal over the bar. :') But it was worth it; it was by far the most painful piercing (the second time actually made me nauseous), but it's my favorite. What’s the background on your phone? My lock screen is fanart of Darkiplier & the simple picture impregnated me; my home screen is Sara and me. Are you a parent? To pets. :') How are things between you and the person you are with? Great. Who was the last person you had a conversation with on the phone? Idk, my mom, probably. If you have a birthmark, where and what color? Yeah, exterior of my right arm. It's a slightly darker brown that the rest of my skin. When was the last time you felt nauseous? A while back. List three things that make you feel nauseous. THE SOUND OF VOMITING, even preparing to attempt to pick up pet shit, and uhhhh, how am I blanking. I guess certain smells? Idk. Do your parents support your dreams? Yes. List three of your favorite types of YouTube videos to watch. Comedy ones between friends, let's plays, and Mark's character ones are a unique and Supreme brand of video. What is your favorite park? Idk, I haven't been to many. Do you get fireflies where you live? Yep. What is the name of your YouTube channel, if you have one? 0zzkat (it's a zero). Do you wear the same shirt and shorts multiple times before washing? Only pj pants. If I actually go out in clothes, no, I change. What is your favorite store at the mall? Hot Topiiiiiic. Has a medication ever given you nightmares? Yes. I can't remember which it was, though. And I suppose one I'm on now might be causing them? Would you rather be surrounded by maple trees, fir trees, or palm trees? MAPLE!!!!!!!!!! How many different states have you lived in? Only one. What’s your favorite thing to do on a hot day? Swiiiiiim. Do you know anyone who’s allergic to bees? I don't think so. What does your favorite bikini look like? Sweetheart, nobody wants to see me in a bikini. What is your favorite thing to do at the beach? Swim. Do you think you are attractive? Nope. Who have you hugged in the past month? Mom, probably, and I actually think that's it. Are you good at recovering from injuries? Uh, I mean, I guess? Do you have more piercings or tattoos? They're tied at six, actually. Last bad news you heard? Some guy recently tried to break into Nicole's friend's house while she was home alone, but she scared him off with a shotgun through the window. I'm still not fucking over it. Last good news you heard? I got a 94 on the final test for the book we read in Writing. What was the last thing you posted on a Instagram? I only ever post photography on both of mine, so some picture. Do you prefer to live alone or live in a family? I wouldn't know; I never lived alone. What states have you visited, that you remember? New York, Florida, Virginia, South Carolina, and I recall Ohio VERY faintly. Oh yeah, and Tennessee, but that's a vague memory as well. OH, HOW DID I FORGET ILLINOIS?????????? What countries have you visited? I've never left North America. What are five careers you’ve considered? In chronological order, some that I've considered are paleontologist, vet, movie designer, game designer, and photographer. What do you wish your hair looked like? I really wanna dye it silver rn. Do you still feel anything for the first person you fell in love with? I still care for him, yeah. I guess I'm in a way still protective of him, too, as I saw very clearly when a tornado landed in his general area this summer, and I felt like a total mama bear that desperately wanted to know if he was okay. I know in my gut I'd probably knock a bitch out if he was seriously hurt. I know, the absolute apex of irony. Who was the last person you called? Mom. Do you take pictures on your phone? Very rarely. My camera SUCKS. How old were you the first time you encountered God? Oh, brother. Have you ever hallucinated? In middle school when I was coming off of a medication, I saw moving shadows. Do you struggle to get by? I'm not the one who cares for myself financially; I still live "under" my mother, but oh yeah, we struggle alright. Who is the best looking male celebrity, in your opinion? ggggggggggggggggggIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRRRRRLLLLLLLLLLLLLL looking at him forces me into ovulation lmao y'all done know who it is. Do you use Snapchat? No. Do you know anyone who’s colorblind? Jason's brother was colorblind to I believe red and green. I know it was two colors. What is your favorite time of day to run? Run???????????????? If I run, bitch you best be running too. What’s a show you remember the very first episode of? Meerkat Manor and That '70s Show are quite clear. I'm sure there are others, I just don't care to think too long about this. Do you hate sleeping in? If I need it, not really, but generally, I don't want to sleep past ~10:30. How late do you consider too late to sleep in? 12:00. What is something of yours that is falling apart? Ha ha ha, the very first thing that came to mind was our poor shed door. Hurricanes have legit torn most of the white paint off of it to where it hangs in strips. It looks so bad; I've told my mom so many times to just tear them off, but she thinks it would look worse that way. When was the last time you saw your crush? February. Sobs loudly. When was your due date, and when were you born? I was due January 20-something, but was born on February 5th, but only because my mom was induced. Do you want to have kids? NO. What website do you usually check first when you get online? KM, just to ensure it's not on fire.

Hug Me

AN: This was inspired by a fic that i read before hope u enjoy it! sorry for any grammar mistakes english isn’t my first language, i’m open to criticism tho:)

==========

It seems like yesterday I was happy with nothing. Today, I make a wish to the moon. I told her if I can see you once again, I'll do one last dance with you to this song.

To remember you forever,

Just one last dance...

==========

Have you ever heard the word 'breathless'?

It has different meaning of its own if you put it in different use. One could describe the meaning of extreme surprise where you just froze in your spot, mouth hung agape as you look at the most precious thing in you possession in awe.

It truly was a wonderful description to appreciate such blessings.

Yet, in another meaning, one that you make sense of literally, has such a different effect, with a stark contrast between light and darkness, akin of a nightmare in the middle of a day dream.

==========

Breathless

[breth-lis]

1. without breath or breathing with difficulty; gasping; panting:

2. dead; lifeless.

==========

Everything happened so fast. One moment she was just standing there in her comfy clothes, casually washing the dishes then the next moment. She saw her lying on the floor as the plate she was holding dropped and shattered against the hard wood floor. It might be just at the spur of the moment, where she exists and everything fell apart. She was rooted to the spot, head staying on the same spot her love used to stand just moments ago. Slowly, but surely everything came rushing back, like a river current overcoming any hindrance. Her hands were shaking when she finally got control of her body.

"LISA!" She screamed then, heart gripped with the panic brewing inside her at seeing her lover so frail, surrounded with the broken glass scattered around her body. She was shaken with pity that at such a tragic misery her love was still attention's sweet centre. Painted was the tragically beautiful story of their journey, started with her world brushed with dark muddy colours.

“oh mygod ohmygod,”

Jisoo swore she never ran so fast in her life.

In the blink of an eye, she was holding her lover's head on her lap as her fingers fumbled with her phone, the trembling digits struggling to call 9-1-1.

"I need your help please... She fainted....I-" That was the last thing Lisa heard as the black spots on her vision finally swallowed her whole. When the last sigh left her lips, her body became slack.

And that,

was the night everything changed.

==========

The trip to the hospital was not one on her favourite list of trips but, at seeing her lover sudden decline of health, she wondered just how long it would take for the ambulance to reach the hospital. She sighed over and over again as she held Lisa’s hand close and kissed each of her knuckles.

She choked back a sob as her eyes welled with tears and the state Lisa was in. Oxygen mask covered her face, and somehow in the span of minutes she had only just noticed how pale and gaunt her love actually is, a drastic difference to her usually fair and healthy body. She cursed herself, hating the fact that she had failed to see the symptoms that might have had explained the ongoing situation.

“I’m sorry baby, I should have looked after you better and stayed home more, fuck I’m- I’m fucking sorry I shouldn’t have I-,” Her speech was cut off due to the sob threatening to burst out.

“pl-please just wake u-up please…”

It may seem unusual for those close to her but,

She prayed that night.

To whatever gods there are out there, she just hoped they’d listened.

When the sound of cars honking filled her hearing and the pounding of her heart reverberated throughout her body, she closed her lids tightly. Lips mouthing an inaudible prayer as tears welled in her eyes. She held her lover's hand a little tighter, yet somehow, she still refused to cry.

‘Me and my pride’ she muses.

She refrained herself to believe anything but her lover being okay again.

She had to be okay..

She just had to...

==========

The short trip to the hospital turned out to be a long one. The seconds and the minutes turned into hours as she waited outside the ER. She paced back and forth for she knew that there was something wrong, though she refused to believe it. Realising she might have to tell Chaeyoung, she steeled herself against the obvious thunderstorm and pressed call.

It doesn’t take long for the said best friend/ sister to pick up, and for some reason she felt guilty, like it was somehow her fault when the first hello filtered through the phone.

“Jisoo unnie? Are you there?”

“Umm… Chaeng, I-I’m so fucking sorry, I don’t know what just happened I-“

“Unnie? Please calm down, what happened? Is Lisa okay?”

“She-“

“She’s just been admitted to the hospital, Chaeyoung-ah…”

“WHAT?! JENNIE WE NEED TO GO NOW!”

“Chaeng- I..” She tried to say when the phone beeps, indicating the end of the call.

They came 15 minutes after she hang up their call, appearance so dishevelled some might think they’re some kind of a hobo.

“Is she okay?” Jennie asked as Chaeyoung was currently feeling too wrecked to even function.

“I- I don’t know , Jen.. One minute she was standing and the next she was suddenly on the floor unconscious.” She explained as her hands swung wildly in her manic.

Jennie said nothing but pulled Jisoo into a tight hug in which she immediately melt into, followed by Chaeyoung as the three of them relied on each other for the comfort they badly needed at the moment.

Their million questions were finally answered another hour later. In midst of her mini panic, the doctor handling Lisa's case came out of the room and approached her jittery self.

"I'm sorry...”

That was all Jisoo needed to hear to know that, she was not okay, her lover never was. She knew, Lisa knew that she didn't have much time left and yet, she still smiled and act that bubbly personality of hers. Always unyielding, always without flaw, not even once.

A gasp was heard, yet she couldn’t care less.

Jisoo pondered, just when did Lisa became such a good liar?

"I hate you so much..." She sobbed as her back slid against the white hospital wall. Its horror and constant dullness that painted her peripheral stayed unflinching. Leaving her, to fend for herself after the heart wrenching news that might just destroyed every good thing she had left in her life.

‘such a tragic life of a dreamer’’Such a pity’

I wonder Lisa,

I do wonder...

==========

Jisoo spent a restless night back at home. She laid on her side of the bed and took in the unusual coldness of her own personal sanctuary. Her stare resided on the empty right side of her bed. The golden sparks in her eyes had faded hours ago, only the remnants of it stayed. It had turned tedious brown in its departure.

She breathed deep, trying to remember her scent. Truth to be told, it had been hard for her to leave her love alone on the hospital bed, but she was not one to defy doctor's order. Though she really gave the nurses a run for their money when they need to forcefully dragged her away from her lover's limp body.

She decided then, she should have fought against their grasps harder, for Lisa was worth every struggle.

Every. Single. One.

==========

Days passed in a blur after the news. It was broadcasted on their social media accounts that they will be taking a long hiatus with the reasons unknown. It sure did cause an uproar in their fandom with their seemingly abrupt disappearance but in the end they couldn’t do anything but to accept their idols’ decision.

Realising the ticking time that was eating away her love’s life, Jisoo brought her everywhere her heart wished for. Her heart clenched every time she saw Lisa's face light up when she brought her to places she had never been before, knowing any moment now could be her last.

She smiled bitterly at that. Her time was limited and she was fucking desperate for any kind of miracle. She prayed every night, for something, anything, to happen.

Because she would give it all just for her to be okay again. That way, they would be able to do the future they had planned out together. In their future, they would be living in a 2 storey mansion with Dalgomie, Leo, Luca and 4 kids running around the house. They would grow old together, wasting their time watching the sunset every evening with a warm cup of tea.

Fate always said otherwise, because the one time she actually found someone who loved her for her. They took her away from Jisoo.

Even sometimes, love was not enough...

==========

It was another cold evening on the midst of December. The couple was snuggling on the couch just enjoying each other's warmth. Jennie and Chaeyoung were out, buying food for their dinner. No words were spoken, though the comfortable silence of the empty dorm was broken when Lisa called out to Jisoo.

"Jisoo?" Lisa asked quietly, head laying slack against Jisoo's chest.

"Hmm?" She responded, hand moving to stroke Lisa's hair gently.

"Can we sing right now?"

Her hand stilled from her movement as she looked down at her. Usually, Jisoo would have laughed at the random request but the look on Lisa's face, left her stunned. Absentmindedly, Jisoo started to sing one of her favourite song, Long Live.

It really was ironic.

"I said remember this moment

In the back of my mind...” She started, voice wavering a bit.

She was shaken out of her reverie when Lisa suddenly sat up and started pulling at her hands, urging her to stand with her.

“The time we stood with our shaking hands

The crowds in stands went wild

We were the kings and the queens

And they read off our names

The night you danced like you knew our lives

Would never be the same ..."

At this point, they were both dancing around in their apartment, not caring about what would happen in the future. Live in the now they said.

“You held your head like a hero...”

Lisa sang, voice sounding off key but none of them care anyways. She crossed her arms and posed as superman pretending to be showing her ‘spectacular biceps’ that had become bony and last muscular over the past few months. She nodded her head at Jisoo cueing at her to sing the next lines.

"On a history book page

It was the end of a decade

But the start of an age..."

Jisoo stayed quiet and instead, she only looked at her funnily. Lisa had no choice but to continue singing with a grumpy voice.

"Come on CHICHU!! I SAID ONE, TWO, THREE... SING WITH ME!!" She held out her hand between them as if to share the microphone for the both of them.

"Long live the walls we crashed through

All the kingdom lights shined just for me and you

I was screaming, "Long live all the magic we made"

And bring on all the pretenders

One day we will be remembered...”

This time Jisoo did join the fun, screaming with her lover as they belted out the lyrics. They might just sound like dying whale and the neighbours would surely filled out a noise complaint but seriously, they could careless right now. No headlines, no media, no worries. Just Jisoo and Lisa singing off key in their penthouse apartment.

"I said remember this feeling

I passed the pictures around

Of all the years that we stood there on the sidelines

Wishing for right now..."

Lisa continued as she looked at Jisoo and pulled on a funny face, successfully bringing a long overdue smile on her girlfriend's face.

"We are the kings and the queens

You traded your baseball cap for a crown..."

Jisoo gestured to Lisa's head as if to put on an imaginary crown on her. Lisa smiled at the gesture and did an over exaggerated curtsy before standing up straight to urged Jisoo to keep singing as she swayed from left to right, doing some weird dancing of her own.

"When they gave us our trophies

And we held them up for our town

And the cynics were outraged

Screaming, "This is absurd"

'Cause for a moment a band of thieves in ripped up jeans got to rule the world..."

Jisoo belted the lyrics as she knelt on the floor like a rock star. Lisa was having the time of her life as she rolled down on the floor laughing her ass off.

"Love live the wall we crashed through

All the kingdom lights shined just for me and you

I was screaming, "Long live all the magic we made"

And bring on all the pretenders..." Jisoo sang loudly.

I'm not afraid," Lisa continued with a big grin on her face.

"Long live all the mountains we move

I had the time of my life

Fighting dragons with you

I was screaming, "Long live the look on your face"

And bring on all the pretenders

One day we will be remembered

Hold on to spinning around

Confetti falls to the ground

May these memories break our fall..."

Jisoo actually sang beautifully this time, giving it her all as she pour her heart for their impromptu Lichu-karaoke session. As she opened her mouth to sing the next stanza, Lisa had already beaten her to it.

"Will you take a moment,

promise me this...

That you'll stand by me forever

But if God forbid fate should step in,

And force us into a goodbye..."

Lisa sang the lines softly to Jisoo as she put her hand over her heart as tears welled in her eyes.

"If you have children someday

When they point to the pictures,

Please tell them my name..."

Her voice cracked as she sang it, knowing the reality of it all. Jisoo rushed to comfort her but one hand motion from Lisa and another plea of "I'm okay," left her with no choice but to continue the song.

"Tell them how the crowds went wild

Tell them how I hope they shine

Long live the walls we crashed through

I had the time of my life, with you...”

Jisoo presented Lisa with a teary smile as she pointed her fingers at her. She furiously wiped her tears away, and when she belted the next line, she was determined to end this in a good note.

All smiles no frowns.

"Long, long live the walls we crashed through

All the kingdom lights shined just for me and you

And I was screaming, "long live all the magic we made"

And bring on all the pretenders

I'm not afraid..." She sang as she put on a brave face and a salute at Lisa, getting a smile out in return. Jisoo gave her a signal and they sang the last lines together.

"Singing long live all the mountains we moved

I had the time of my life

Fighting dragons with you

And long, long live the look on your face

And bring on all the pretenders

One day, we will be remembered..."

They finished the song quickly and enveloped each other in a tight embrace, tears still streaming down their faces.

"Long live us...” Jisoo whispered against her head.

"Long live you...” She added with a smile, before pressing a light kiss on Lisa’s forehead.

You will be remembered...

==========

Lisa did last longer than expected as she somehow managed to get past through her birthday and Jisoo's. Though another incident might have barraged their way at her.

On the morning after Jisoo's birthday, Lisa had stupidly fell off her bed. But that, was not the problem. It was the excruciating pain that followed after that. She swore she had never screamed so loud in her life.

Hearing her screams, Jisoo bolted upstairs towards their shared bedroom. Fingers fumbling with her phone ready to call 9-1-1.

This was giving her a sense of déjà vu. Added with the fact that in dire times like this, Jennie and Chaeng always seemed to be away at an important meeting with their management, leaving Jisoo alone to deal with a crying Lisa.

Seeing her Lisa laying helplessly on the floor, screaming her head off, Jisoo panic level accelerate to 100 real quick. She knelt down beside the whimpering girl and wafted her hand through her hair, while whispering sweet nothings to soothe her pain.

"You're gonna be okay, baby.."

You will,

You have to...

==========

"She fell the wrong way, Chaeyoung. I've said this to you a million times. Why won't you believe me?" Jisoo hissed at Chaeyoung as they walked down the hospital halls to Lisa's room. She was being prepped for immediate surgery because apparently her stupid fall could possibly cause paralysis. Stupid bed and stupid floor, she had said.

"Wow unnie , Okay I believe you, but seriously you need to chill. You're basically on fire right now.." Chaeyoung tread carefully, afraid to get Jisoo madder than she already was.

"You're dealing with this better than I ever was Chaeng. How are you okay with her dying?" She ranted, frustrated.

"I'm not, and I never will be okay with her dying, so don't even try to say that. But, do you know what makes me strong unnie? It was her wish. She personally told me that she wanted her last days to be full of smiles, not tears; not frowns. So I tried, I really tried my best every day to keep the smile on my face, to keep the happy thoughts on my head as if she wasn't dying. I had to respect her wish. I had to, unnie..." Chaeyoung confessed as she blinked rapidly to avoid the tears from falling, knowing Lisa would caught up with her act once she saw a faint tear marks on her face.

"I'm sorry Chaeyoung-ah, I-I didn't know,"

"It's okay unnie, please just trust me on this. You need to respect her wish too okay?"

"All smiles?"

"All smiles."

==========

It had not been great.

Lisa was paralysed from the waist down. But she had not reacted poorly. She had taken a moment of silence after the news, both her lover and best friends looking at her expectantly, gauging her reaction. What happened next was not expected by the both of them.

With a defeated sigh, Lisa had looked back up towards the doctor and asked a simple question.

"Can I go back home now?"

The meaning behind her words were clear, she didn't want to talk about it and it was to be expected. Yet, that split moment when she looked at Jisoo at the word 'home', really messed with Chaeyoung's emotion. She had lived, knowing that her best friend and sister had found her home. A place for her to belong, yet, it was wretched from her grasp just after she found it.

Home…

Lost.

==========

Today was the day the two brotp? finally get to hang out. Though, Jennie realised she should have done this sooner. She had immediately became fast friends with Lisa after their first meeting with each other during their trainee days. She had said, the only reason they got along so well was because their ‘stupid aegyo tendencies and annoyingly cute gummy smiles ’ cheers to Jennie for that. She knew her gummy smiles are valuable winning weapon. So to speak, with their fast growing friendship and what not, this news had truly affected Jennie deeply.

They were strolling around the central park, not a lot of people were in sight which was a plus to the both of them.

"Jennie, if you didn't stop thinking, smoke might came out of your head any time now," Lisa suddenly said, causing her to pause in her movement.

"Shut it Manoban, or do I have to hit you to do so?" Jennie clapped back at her best friend who now appeared offended. She put a dramatic hand over her chest and said.

"Really? You'll hit a cripple? WHERE ARE YOUR MORALS?"

"Where yours are?" Jennie sassed.

"Shit, let me call Satan. He has them. Along with my list of fucks I do not give."

"Oh please, SOMEONE PLEASE GET THIS GIRL SHE'S ANNOYING ME," Jennie was all but shout.

"Watch it Nini or I'll tell Chaengie about your behaviour."

"You are such a tattle-teller, you b*tch. You disgust me," Jennie said in her best Kim-Kardashian-accent as she flipped her hair to get her point across.

"My energy should not be wasted talking to you, move along please I need to get my ice cream," Lisa commanded from her wheelchair bossily.

"You're lucky you're cute or else I would've left you somewhere," Jennie complained as she grudgingly started to push the wheelchair to the ice cream shop.

==========

Miracles do happen, sadly it didn't always last.

==========

Lisa knew her time was coming, knowing she had outlived the doctor's predictions; this was bound to happen anytime soon. It was a little after the New Year. She was being woken up, with severe chest pains. She screamed which immediately woke Jisoo up.

"Lisa baby, what's wrong?" She asked soothingly, trying to keep the panic from her voice.

Jisoo didn't get an answer from Lisa except for her occasional whimpers which caused her to curl further into herself, hoping to make the pain stop.

She knew her time was coming,

But she sure as heck was not ready for it.

==========

Lisa was hooked to a ventilator that night, her lungs had failed her and she didn't expect any less. Seeing her lover so fragile against the hospital bed, Jisoo made a beeline to the chair beside the bed and held her sleeping hand tightly.

She leaned her head closer to the bed and rests it at the edge of the pillow. It might have been an uncomfortable position but she wanted to, she need, to remember her.

I don't want to forget...

Right before she continued her restless slumber, Jisoo hummed sotto voce. She sang a song very dear to her as a prayer, and God, she did hope Lisa would listen close in her slumber.

“Please stay by my side,

Please stay with me..

Please don't let go of me, the one who's holding your hand...

I love you,

I love you...

In the long silence, a sound comes, screaming

From my foolish and weak heart..."

==========

The goodbye was the hardest.

==========

Lisa was looking at Jisoo as best as she could through her half lidded eyes. She could she the hudled figures of her best friends standing on the other side of her hospital bed. God, she was so tired, and she had long accepted her fate. She stared at Jisoo with any adoration she could muster and smiled weakly.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" She suddenly said, breaking Jisoo out of her trance.

"I want to remember you."

"Don't do this to yourself baby, please"

"I- I can't Lice, please I can't forget you. I don't want you to go. I LOVE YOU! Why is that not enough?" She sobbed as she desperately cling to her hospital gown to discard any possible distance between the two of them.

"It doesn't matter if I'm not physically beside you, unnie. Please don't cry, love, I'll look after you from the sky. You won't forget me because I'm here with you. I stayed in your heart. I'll visit you in your dreams, there you can relinquish all your joys and sorrows to me. You'll remember me, just like the way my heart will call out to you in the after life..."

"I love you, Lice. I'd give it all just for one more day with you..."

"Don't dwell- on your sadness please, all smiles, okay?" Lisa had to stop in between words to catch her breath as her lungs started failing on her.

“Unnie, if it is time for me to go, can you take care of Jisoo unnie for me?”

Lisa never said it to anyone  in particular neither Jennie or Chaeyoung, but the message was clear. They responded with a tight squeeze on her arm and a teary smile.

Their last moments together were spent with Jisoo brushing the remnants of Lisa hazel brown hair, as they enjoyed the silence that sang lullabies for those in passing. It wasn’t long when the silence was broken by none other than Lisa.

"Can I get one last kiss before I go to sleep, Chu?"

“Anything for you love,” Jisoo smiled a bittersweet smile through her red eyes and puffy cheeks before leaning in as they lips met in passion.

So desperately, trying to make it a kiss, one could remember forever.

"Sing for me please, Chichu…" Lisa whispered her last wish. She moved her body a little bit as she sagged against the hospital bed, eyes fluttering close.

"Hallelujah,

You were an angel in the shape of my love

When I fell down you'll be there holding me up

Spread your wings as you go...

And when God takes you back,

He'll say, "Hallelujah, you're home."

Jisoo wait until her breathing became no more, before she stopped. With one last cold kiss to the lips, Jisoo muttered her prayer against her skin.

"In peace may you leave the shore;

In love may you find the next.

Safe passage on your travel," Jisoo finished and wipe her tears away. She leaned her face closer to Lisa's and mumbled against her lips.

"May we meet again, Lisa..."

==========

It was nothing special, another day, another time, another dawn. They recalled that time when a young Lisa Manoban swore that when she died she would do it in such honour, with lots of people crying for her.

They had laughed it off then, saying that she wasn’t even close to a hero or a president. It was a stupid dream to begin with.

Lalisa Manoban didn’t die in such great honour, she didn’t die with the sound of trumpet and manmade tears marring people’s face as they pretend to show empathy to the fallen grace.

She died, on a normal Wednesday afternoon, with 3 of the brightest stars in her life, and I guessed for her,

It was more than enough.

==========

"One last kiss to a cold lips, to seal the prayer."

==========