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if-found-return-to-gusu · 3 years

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Christmas Time at the Nie Palace

Okay… Okay Christmas.

So I’d like to start by pointing out that like… I don’t celebrate Christmas like in any real way? It’s just a fun excuse to get together with my friends. And we all seem to be on the same page with that.

So SangSang threw a party. Let me just say, the Nie’s know how to blow it up, okay? Like apparently DaGe did a lot of the planning too? Which surprised me. But they got IN to it.

I… Okay so in my mind DaGe probably just hoisted that giant tree in by himself. Like just WOOMPH like the man is a tank.

Realistically I know that Lan Xichen helped him and they probably used a trolley or something. But like…. Picturing Nie MingJue just HOISTING a gigantic christmas tree into the main hall is just… I can’t picture it any other way. It’s just how it happened. Fanon is better than Canon in this instance don’t @ me.

But I know that both he and Nie Huaisang did most of the decorating together. Technically they are rich (not even technically but they don’t ACT like rich bois so I forget) and could have just hired people to do it for them, but I guess this is something that they both love to do together. A shared tradition. And their house (mansion????) is not small. So like it took some TIME. And like… probably lots of ladders? Because even DaGe isn’t that tall.

I had about .5 seconds to appreciate this, however, before I heard happy screams of children. Which is good because there WERE children. If there are no children and you hear children screaming, leave. But as there were children, we were good.

Said children screamed my name and suddenly two tiny bodies were yeeting themselves at me.

Not to worry, Jin Ling does this A LOT (though he must have taught A-Yuan because that was a first.

A-Yuan jumped very nicely into my arms though. Just a nice little hop and swoop right on my hip.

Jin Ling, however, is a little monster who NEVER jumps nice. He jumps to the side and expects me to catch him! Now to be fair, I always DO, but I won’t deny that the first time it happened it gave me a fucking heart attack.

I do believe that Lan Zhan felt my pain this day because when Jin Ling sailed into my arms and immediately leaned outwards so that he’d swing by whatever limb I’d managed to nab, Lan Zhan ruined everything by stabilizing him. (How is his hand like the size of Jin Ling’s entire torso? ((Like with the fingers spread but still???)))) Anyway.

Don’t think I’ve ever seen that quality of death glare out of a 3 year old before. Impressive.

Lan Zhan backed away immediately and Jin Ling promptly returned his attention back to his best uncle in the whole wide world (me.).

So now I had two young boys in my arms babbling away about this and that at the same time so I couldn’t understand a word of it.

Is there anything sweeter?

Eventually I managed to make out that they wanted me to go into the other room where the real party was. A-Ling was talking about how his mama wanted to see me and so she’d sent him for guard duty. (Found out later from Shijie that she had mentioned my name one time in passing saying that she was looking forward to me arriving with Lan Zhan and Jin Ling IMMEDIATELY went off to wait for me. When A-Yuan arrived instead of me he was apparently a bit disappointed until he realized that now he had a friend to wait with him. And so that’s apparently when they plotted the joint throw. A-Yuan said I was supposed to fall over but I was apparently just too strong.)

Anyway. I hoisted them up higher on my hips and we tramped off to the main room…. Is it a living room? Dining room? Ballroom? Fuck if I know they have too many rooms. It was a big room with enough space for entertaining a lot of people. Anyway. We went there. And were greeted by… A LOT of people! Like Apparently Nie Huaisang had decided to invite everyone I know? Or actually I think DaGe suggested some of them?

Okay so… Um… I think this is what Wen Ning said.. DaGe and Wen Qing hit it off at my birthday in a like… platonic way because that sounds like a crackship. Since they are both hella gay. But like they got to talking at my birthday and like she gave him some medical opinions on a part of a case he was working on or something???? And now they’re like… legit in contact with each other? She helps with forensics or something?

I don’t get it.

But Nie Huaisang was saying they should bring in some of the people they met at my birthday because he liked them and DaGe said he’d already added Wen Qing to the list?

Nd Nie Huaisang said that they couldn’t just invite ONE Wen

And so

They invited

All of them???

Including Granny and Uncle Four????? Who they had NOT met before this? I guess???

Which was why A-Yuan was there and because A-Yuan was there A-Ling was there because playdate? Or something? And so Shijie and the peacock were both there because of course he was coming if his wife and son were there (although A-Lian was with her grandparents because she doesn’t do so well at parties most of the time ((My birthday was a fluke???? Or maybe she just likes me. Hard to tell with that babe. Stares like a cat seeing a ghost in the corner of the room. Seems to like Lan Zhan though. Maybe because he stares the same way????????? Am I a ghost?????? In the corner of the roooommmmmm????? Spoopy. ))

Anyway THey were there but then SO WAS JIANG CHENG because apparently, appAReNTlY Madam Yu and Uncle Jiang don’t know that Nie Huaisang is also my friend? Because they’re all rich and rich people all know other rich people and when you’re friends with other rich people it’s okay because you’re ‘making a connection network’ and so Jiang Cheng through a loophole of rich=dumb apparently? (Like not that the rich people are dumb but the like the whole rich ettiquette is just bonkers) he was allowed to network at this Christmas gathering. Because I think they assumed that rich people only invite other rich people to their parties? When really it ended up being a pretty even 50/50 split.

So okay the wens were there and Shijie and her +1 and A-Ling, and Jiang Cheng (who I hugged immediately but just listing this out first bare with me.) was there. And Lan Zhan and I were there and Lan Xichen was there of course. Though… isn’t he dating that other Jin guy? I wonder why he WASN’T there? I think there’s some beef between him and DaGe or something and I guess if DaGe didn’t like me I’d avoid him too…. You know to stay alive… But hmm… Lan Xichen didn't seem too upset. So I guess it’s fine? Seemed to have fun with DaGe anyway.

(Is it wrong to ship? I mean…. They’d be so good together????? Like that’s their business but I feel like a meddling old spinster aunt trying to get people together. Idk. Whatever. Moving on). Oh oh oh And Gamby and her wife were there!! And MianMian and Qin Su! Like it was literally everyone who had been at my birthday + more! (because Uncle Four and Granny Wen. But still. They count! And I was so excited to see them hahah.) So like apparently gatherings are good for networking. Lol.

So yeah Everyone was there. But the first person I saw was Jiang Cheng. Who I’d thought, honestly and truly, that I’d never get to see again.

I don’t know which of us started the hug. Maybe it was the same time. But for once he didn’t bitch about it and I wasn’t a little shit about it either.

Just…. Jiang Cheng really gives great hugs. He told me that he missed me. And said that he was working things out on his end and to be patient please. Promised me and made me promise back that we were still brothers. Forever.

And that was about all of the feely feels we could handle in public because EVERYONE WAS STARING AT US….

Except Lan Zhan who had disappeared? I didn’t notice until then. But poof.

…………………

Just asked him where he was for the first bit of the party and he said apparently he’d brought the Emperor’s Smile to the kitchen and ended up getting stuck for a bit helping the cook finish off some stuff because he’s an angel and the nicest person in the world.

Which… explains why I saw him later holding a tray of hors-d’oeuvres (had to ask Lan Zhan how to spell that…. Maybe shouldn’t have because that’s dangerously close to telling him I had a blog? I think he probably just thinks I’m texting someone about it….. Weeks after it happened…… O.O;;;; uh…. Well he didn’t ask about it so I guess I’m good. Whatever moving ON.).

So we coughed and let go of each other, but I couldn’t resist grinning at him. Just seeing him there. Knowing that he came here and specifically made it so that I could be here too. That he’s going to such lengths and and.. Actually FIGHTING to keep me in his life. Just…

Okay Stop or you’ll cry, Wei Ying.

What happened next… ah… we went to the party room saw Jiang Cheng and then we got pulled in to stand with the mingling crowd.

More hugs all around. Even from Wen Qing after she gave me a quick check up to see how I was healing up. Ever the professional.

I guess… I really scared everyone. Not just from the fire but before that too. They knew that I wasn’t doing well and then more and more shit kept happening. And I think I really scared them.

To be honest, I really scared me too.

But Lan Zhan saved me. So I guess in the end none of us had anything to fear. <3

We were all chilling and talking and I was just starting to worry that Lan Zhan somehow got lost or kidnapped or eaten by a Nie Monster or something when he appeared holding trays of food. I watched him going to the other room and followed him because I was having Lan Zhan withdrawal.

And found him setting the food down on a MASSIVE table in the HUMUNGAZOID DINING HALL.

Okay so I’ve been to Nie Huaisang’s place before but generally we just like chilled in the normal living areas. But he has these ‘entertaining’ areas for when they have formal gatherings or parties or whatever. And I’d kinda passed by them before but they were just big empty rooms, right? Like oh okay whatever. It’s like passing by a meeting hall in a hotel. Like oh okay just a big empty room for meetings and shit.

Except when they decorate it it transforms into like this huge palace room! Like fuck! Gold and glitter and lights and sparkle and just everything! And really like tastefully done too. It was a lot, but it was the right kind of a lot. And it was all very coordinated.

I guess Lan Xichen helped a lot with the balance in the end? How often does Lan Xichen come over here that he’s helping set up decor?

Who knows.

Not my business.

Still though isn’t he dating Jin Guangyao or whatever? I wonder how he feels about it?

Whatever. Not my business.

SO I trotted over to Lan Zhan like a little lost duckling and asked if he needed help with anything. He gave me one of those smiles that he saves just for me (my HEART) and lead me over to the other side of the room and told me to sit at the table.

I was still all flustered from that smile because MY HEART so I didn’t even think to protest until he was already leaving again! Noo! My Lan Zhan Withdrawal wasn’t done yet! But he was only calling for the others to come join us so we could start dinner. Everyone filed in and Lan Zhan sat next to me before anyone else could.

I tried not to think too much into it at the time but now…. I wonder…

Anyway.

Dinner was amazing. Like think of your favorite holiday food. Okay you got it? It was there. I guarantee it. Like dear god.

And DELICIOUS

And and Lan Zhan had brought me some Emperor’s Smile that was nice and chilled and delicious.

Somehow…

Okay I know, alright. I KNOW! But like

The taste of that wine… makes me think of him. Of that kiss.

He doesn’t taste like wine but something… So clean and clear and refreshing. Mellow but still strong. Just….

Stop thinking about his LIPS

Okay moving on.

(How many times do I say moving on? I should make a tally.)

MOVING ON.

Dinner=amazing.

And right when we were ready to burst from eating and eating and eating…..

Dessert

ACTIVATE SECOND STOMACH! DEPLOY!

Guys… Guys I ate so much food. I’m pretty sure they had to roll me out of the chair.

Oh… wait… no that actually happened. But mostly for the kids I swear.

I was whining to Lan Zhan that he was gonna have to roll me to the next room (to which he, of course, responded that he would simply carry me instead. Ugh this man) and Jin Ling called me silly and said I should walk. And A-Yuan, who is apparently much too used to my antics, laughed and agreed in a kinda… idk… DO IT kinda way? So I slid to the floor (I know gross but whatever. The things we do for our children) and rolled away from the table.

Worked though. Both kids started to shriek with laughter, even though A-Ling was trying his best to sound like Jiang Cheng to tell me to get off the floor because it’s dirty. I rolled about 8 feet before Lan Zhan just deadlifted me into his arms and hauled me into the next room.

Which made me explode and the children laugh even harder.

This. MAN. How am I expected to survive living with this man when HE KEEPS PULLING THIS SHIT!?!?!?!?!?!

I covered my face to hide how red it was and to avoid looking at everyone’s faces. Because I know they all know. Like they are very obvious about how obvious I must be. Like I’m hopeless. Completely and hopelessly in love with Lan Zhan and they all fucking KNOW it and they ALWAYS GIVE ME THESE LOOKS WHEN I’M WITHIN 10 FEET OF THE MAN AND LIKE I GET IT OKAY I KNOW I’M AN IDIOT BUT APPARENTLY /HE/ DOES NOT KNOW THAT I FEEL THIS WAY AND I DO NOT WANT HIM TO FIND OUT BECAUSE YOU GUYS KEEP GIVING ME THESE FUCKING LOOKS EVERY TIME HE BREATHES IN MY DIRECTION LIKE OKAY I GET IT I KNOW OMG

…………

YES NIE HUAISANG I AM TALKING TO YOU

………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Anywaymovingon*lolseewhatididthere?*

He plopped me very gently on the couch and sat next to me. Immediately the part of my lap that was not taken up by my over-stuffed stomach, was filled by my nephew. Lan Zhan got to deal with a very excited, but very polite A-Yuan asking very kindly if he could sit on his lap. (To which of course Lan Zhan just picked him up and placed him there. A-Yuan looked so delighted.)

I finally chanced a look at the rest of the group who quickly pretended they hadn’t been giggling at us and staring the entire time.

They shuffled around, talking about if we wanted to do games or presents first.

Presents???? PRESEN-- NO ONE HAD TOLD ME THERE WERE FUCKING PRESENTS. I HADN’T GOTTEN ANYONE ANYTHING!!!!!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK

So I start whispering frantically to Lan Zhan asking him if he knew about it and trying very valiantly not to swear since WE HAD LAPS FULL OF CHILDRENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN AND THE LAST THING I NEED IS FOR THEM TO TELL THE REST OF THE FAMILY THAT UNCLE XIAN TAUGHT THEM THE WORD FUCK. ugh.

Lan Zhan apparently knew about it the entire time.

I couldn’t get into it too much because kids. But uuuuuuuuuugh.

WELL everyone decided that we’d do presents later so that it was easier to keep track of everything

Of course that means more time for me to freak out. Because what else am I good at but freaking out?

Instead they brought out the games. I finally got a look around at the actual room when the children leaped off of my lap to go play some of the games that were being set up. A-Ling decided it was time to latch himself to his father since his mother was kicking Wen Qing’s ass at pool (well she would have been kicking her ass if she wasn’t 6 months pregnant. As such they were pretty evenly matched.)

There was a section with toys and board games where DaGe and Lan Xichen started to set things up to see if they could entice the kids to play with them. A-Yuan was won over first which was enough to convince A-Ling to beg his dad to play with them over there.

Not that he had to beg much. Jin ZiXuan would do anything for that boy. Spoils him rotten. But in a loving way.

So I saw the 5 of them sit down for…. Shoots and ladders? I think? DaGe looked at those kids with pure adoration. Same way he looks at Busu back at the bunny cafe. Guess he has a soft spot for small cute things.

Can’t blame him.

Wen Ning and Nie Huaisang were off in a corner by one of the large TV’s playing some game or another. I’m… what was it… Gang Beasts or something? I don’t know. You pick the other guy up and try to yeet him off the stage. I don’t know. Apparently it’s a bit older of a game now but Wen Ning really loves it. (Surprisingly enough for such a meek guy, he is RUTHLESS when it comes to chucking Gumby-lookin fuckers off a plane. Who knew?) Jiang Cheng took a turn but sucked at it so he stomped off to play with the kids instead.

Gamby and Aunty Yi were off that way too watching a movie on another screen with MianMian and Qin Su watching something else on yet another TV. (seriously how many screens???) And Uncle Four was kinda staring between that, the game, and the yule log TV, nursing a bottle of his famous fruit wine. Brews it himself and it will FUCK you up.

I… okay so… I’m slow. But like I noticed finally that the Yule log-- You know that station that just plays christmas music and is just a fire? Like they… Okay it was mute. So it was just the fire. And they put it in front of the actual fire place. That would normally have been lit.

They.. it was for me. I could tell. Because Nie Huaisang glanced at me then and the look… You don’t get to see him looking soft too often. But.. Thank you Nie Huaisang. For that. For protecting me.

They put in a fake fire so that I could feel comfortable.

I turned to Lan Zhan then to ask him what he wanted to do only to find him… he was just watching me. He was so close…

I freaked a little and asked him if he wanted to play a game. Any game. Just any game at all. Please just pick a damn game omg a;dlkfja;sdkj he was so close.

We ended up… somehow playing darts? Sort of.

He’d never played darts so I ended up having to talk him through it. Then promptly kicked his ass because my aim is perfect and he was lucky to hit the damn board.

I helped him get better though because he’s really a very good student. And uh… well.. Um… He …

OKAY THE CLICHE IS REAL AND I HELD HIS HAND AND STOOD BEHIND HIM TO CORRECT HIS FORM OKAY AND IT IS CHEESY AND STUPID AND I LOVED EVERY SECOND OF IT OKAY.

I KNOW. A;LSKDFJ;DJ

But it did actually help. By the end of it he was doing pretty good I’d say!

Eventually he switched out with Lan Xichen so that he could ‘show us how it’s done’ and that turned into quite the competition. Lan Xichen gave me a run for my money that’s for sure.

Somehow everyone sorta ended up watching. To be fair we were moving pretty fast.

Liek AIM THROW THWP POINTS!

At one point DaGe started suggesting different trick shots which made it harder. Didn’t last long after that because we decided it was better to not put a bunch of little holes all over the wall because Lan arm strength is apparently genetic and INSANE soooo that ended that.

After that, since we’d all gathered again anyway, apparently it was time for presents. Which I had actually forgotten about.

I pulled Lan Zhan aside as everyone else started setting up to ask him about it and why I hadn’t heard about this??? I didn’t HAVE presents for anyone! Like fuck!

He told me that he’d put my name on the presents he’d given anyway. Like there was a ‘draw from a hat’ business secret santa kind of thing? And I was not included.

I’m… I’m really a bit… I don’t know…

They… Like I know I’d been through a lot lately and… well I guess I haven’t been in the best state for a couple of months by then… but they could have asked me.. I mean I’m not THAT poor all things considered. I don’t have an apartment and I had to buy a lot of new stuff, yeah but Lan Zhan isn’t charging me rent and actually bought a lot of it for me whether I wanted him to or not. So Like… I could have afforded a present.

It’s that… that pity feeling that I talked about before. I felt like I was being pitied. And I hate it.

Lan Zhan told me it wasn’t like that. It wasn’t pity to help take care of someone who is going through shit. It’s caring.

And I guess… but still…

He touched my cheek then, cupped it with his hand.

“I do not pity you. I worry. And I care. But that’s not pity,” he said. “We want to take care of you sometimes. Please let us?”

Of course what can I say to that? Nothing. Gah. For a man who doesn’t speak much he sure knows how to talk me into a corner.

I was still trying to formulate a response when I started to notice there was a lot of… snickering going on.

I looked around and everyone quickly looked away, pretending they weren’t laughing. But I could see them all hiding grins. I looked at Lan Zhan who looked about as confused as I was and the snickering started again.

“Well what are you waiting for?”

SangSang…. I should murder you. I should just… Chop you up into tiny pieces and chuck you in a river.

Either that or throw a damn party for you.

I looked over at him and he was pointing up. So we looked up and….

……………………………………………………………..

……………………………………………………………………………………….

Fuck you Nie Huaisang!

THERE WAS MISTLETOE ABOVE US BECAUSE CLEARLY WE WERE IN NEED OF MORE CLICHES IN MY SAPPY LOVE (OR LACK THERE OF????? MAYBE?? MAYBE NOTA.LDKFSJAL;SDKFJ ) LIFE.

I… Okay my memory is shit, so like… but I don’t remember there being anything there before. Like… I feel like I would have noticed??? I… well…

Well it is what it is.

Lan Zhan. And I. Were stuck under the mistletoe. Together. With EVERYONE watching us and snickering away. Like a damn faulty sprinkler system. CHE CHE CHE CHE CHE.

All of them. They will all pay. Revenge will come on swift wings when they least expect it!

You know what? Fuck it. I’m gonna set up DaGe and Lan Xichen purely out of spite.

But back to the problem at hand. I couldn’t avoid looking back at Lan Zhan forever. He looked about as red as I felt.

“Mistletoe….” I said intelligently.

“Mn…” was his very articulate response.

“You… we don’t have to….” I said. But he cut me off with a kiss.

A real kiss. Not a cheek kiss. Or a forehead kiss. A real proper kiss. Right on the lips.

Short but oh so sweet.

He kissed me.

HE. KISSED. ME.

;akdfj;alskdjl;sadjf;kaja;eioj;OJAD;LKFJA;SLDKFJ;Kjfda;kj;lkj

Okay. So it was just a peck. The kind you would give to a close friend in this situation. (Okay don’t yell at me I know. Like let me explain.)

My point is. I didn’t want to… read more into it than there was to read. Okay? But it…

Okay this is hard to explain.

I’m not THAT stupid. I know that you don’t always just kiss your friends. Some people do but not everyone. And Lan Zhan is NOT the type to just kiss a friend.

But there was the complication with the kiss after the fire and the tension before of the what are we??? Like I’ve known for a while- I think I mentioned it before-- I think we hit a level past… past just friends. And I wanted to believe it was romantic on both sides but I wasn’t sure. And I was scared. And I didn’t want to risk what I have just because I’m greedy. Like what we had.. It is enough even if I WANT more.

And then he kissed me under that mistletoe..

I’d kinda squashed my hope of more after the kiss. After he agreed it meant nothing. It hurt so bad that the only way I could really process it was to just repress it. (which I’m TRYING not to do but I had a lot going on. And I had to process the rest of it first). So it just kinda turned into… I don’t know… I’d lost that hope. That thought that maybe he could grow to love me. I took that hope and I shoved it behind an iron door and threw the key away into a hedge maze guarded by evil goblins. (Not cute goblins like me. Evil ones. Pointy and mean.)

But… then he kissed me under that mistletoe… and… I don’t know… did he fight off the goblins and find it in that hedge maze? Or did he just forge a new key altogether?

But he unlocked that door. And opened it even if just a crack. And he let out a sliver of hope again. A tiny sliver of real hope that rests in my heart even now. Growing.

We stared at each other until we were interrupted by everyone’s whooping and cheers. “Alright alright yeah yeah.” I chided and ushered them away.

At least A-Yuan and A-Ling were busy making grossed out faces instead of cheering. Good boys.

“What’s wrong? You don’t like kisses?” I asked them. And then I launched myself at them making the most obnoxious kissy face I could manage. Chased them around the room while everyone else settled in for presents. Caught them after a few moments and covered them in kisses. A-Yuan laughed and A-Ling pretended he was trying to get away, but I know he liked it.

Hah.

I kissed them all the way back to the couch where I sat next to Lan Zhan (who I couldn’t look at anymore). I plopped A-Yuan in his lap and just held on to A-Ling who was scrubbing his face clean of my kisses. Quite dramatically I might add. Offensive. (he got like 5 more kisses because of it.

I told him that if he kept scrubbing off my kisses I’d just have to keep replacing them. “Just ask Uncle Cheng.”

“It’s true, buddy.”

“See? It’s true!”)

“Alright! Is everyone ready?” Shijie asked once A-Ling finally submitted to his punishment kisses. The two kids sat up so fast they almost clocked both me and Lan Zhan clean on the chin. But fortunately we are both ninjas and managed to avoid braining the children.

“Presents! Presents! Presents!” they chanted. (Well A-Ling chanted and then nudged A-Yuan until he joined in).

It started off harmless enough. They started bringing stuff over to me and Lan Zhan which makes sense. Let the kids go first, right? And they’d clearly need more than everyone else.

Except… They weren’t all for the kids. And they kept bringing them over. Until there was a pile of every single present gathered beside me and at my feet.

The kids each got a couple but the rest of them. They were small but they were all clearly labeled.

“Wei Ying. Wei Ying. Wei Ying.”

Every one of them.

I looked over at Lan Zhan to decide if I needed to yell at him some more but he looked just as flabbergasted as I did. So clearly he wasn’t in on it.

Everyone else…. Lan Zhan was right. It wasn’t pity in their eyes. The way they were looking at me. It was love.

I let the kids open their gifts first so I had a moment to collect myself. They tore the paper like wild animals and squealed in delight at each new toy.

A-Yuan’s favorite was the little toy butterfly that Lan Zhan got him (with my name on the gift to give me credit I didn’t deserve). He hugged us both, and then went off to play with A-Ling with the blasters they both got.

I did relish the look of pain on Jin ZiXuan’s face as he realized he was going to listen to those blasting noises and beeps and whistles for the next 2 months until A-Ling finally got bored. Very satisfying.

But the… Well I couldn’t avoid it anymore. I had to open my own gifts.

“Start with this one, please,” Gamby said, holding out the largest of the pile.

I… when I opened it…

Would you blame me if I cried?

The.. the photo album that I’d gotten for my birthday. It burned in the fire. And… I didn’t… I didn’t want to admit it but it crushed me. Of all the possessions I lost… that one…

But they replaced it! They got me a new book. All the photos were there. Not the originals, but they’d made copies of every photo they’d taken because they still wanted their own copies of them too. (Apparently the originals had all gone into my book which is still a shame. But the image is more important than the paper.)

Every single gift was related to that book. Gamby and Aunty Yi gave me the new book. All the photos from the original were there. But then every single gift from the others were new pages with new photos. Ones that hadn’t been included before and then lots from my birthday. Pictures of everyone and of me and just… The last page was a large copy of the picture we’d all taken at the photo booth. It filled the whole page.

And then letters. From everyone. Letters of love. Stories and memories. To me. Even Jin ZiXuan wrote a letter. Admittedly short but still there. (He mentioned in the letter that he wasn’t sure he needed to write me one of his own since technically he’s the one who did the writing for A-Ling’s letter but figured it would annoy me so fuck it.)

That dick. Do I have to like him now? Uuugh I don’t want to like him. :(

I had to give the book to Lan Zhan so that I wouldn’t cry on it.

Shijie came and hugged me, letting me cry without judgement like she always does. And then I felt Lan Zhan’s arms join hers. And then I was drowning in arms.

I’m…. I’m not used to being the focus like this. Not in this way. It’s different when I’m the one drawing attention to myself. But when it’s just… everyone. Everyone I love just freely giving me their love back just…

I don’t really know how to handle it.

But… at the same time…

I’ve never felt so loved. So wanted. And Lan Zhan really is right. It’s not pity. It really really isn’t. And I don’t think I’ve ever… Ever really let myself experience it that way.

Eventually I told them through my stuffed nose that that was enough and that I still needed to breathe please. They all laughed and let me go finally. I didn’t really want them too, but I do also like my friend oxygen.

They all gave me one last squeeze or pat and went off to do their own thing again. Playing games and watching things.

Letting me gather myself back together again.

I looked over at Lan Zhan and told him I’d be back in a minute. I got up to just… I don’t know… take a walk. It was… it wasn’t too much but nearly. But not in an unwelcome way. It was pushing my boundaries, but they were boundaries that needed to be pushed.

I know I deserve love. It’s hard to remember it a lot of the time though and sometimes you have to force feed it to me. And… And it’s good. Great even.

But a bit overwhelming.

I walked through the house idly for a bit. Probably going where guests weren’t supposed to go but whatever.

I must have been gone longer than I thought though because eventually Lan Zhan came to find me. To check on me and make sure I was okay.

“Was it too much?” he asked. I shook my head and said yes at the same time which made him laugh a little.

I shuffled over to him and put my forehead against his chest with a soft sigh.

“It’s not too much,” I said as he obligingly slid his arms around me. “It’s just…. Too much… you know?”

He hummed in understanding and miraculously I think he did understand. Because let’s be real, that was nonsense.

Then he pulled away and took my hand (very gently because they were still raw).

“Follow me,” he said in that rich honey voice of his. (Yes Lan Zhan. I will follow you. I will follow you anywhere. Into the very gates of hell.)

Can you blame me if I laced our hands together? He let me anyway. And didn’t pull away so nyah.

I had no idea where he was taking me but.. Well I’ve said it before that I trust him implicitly. With everything. With my very soul.

Turns out. Nie Huaisang. Has an in home movie theater. Like. A legit movie theater. With those comfy squishy seats and the giant projector and like….

HUAISANG HOW HAVE YOU NEVER TAKEN ME INTO THIS ROOM? APPARENTLY YOU’VE TAKEN LAN ZHAN BECAUSE HE KNEW WHERE EVERYTHING WAS AND SET UP THE PROJECTOR AND POPPED IN A MOVIE AND LIKE FUCK YOU HUAISANG I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS. ;3;

Lan Zhan had me sit down while he set everything up, then pulled up the arm rest between us and sat down before just… pulling me to lean against him.

I mean I wasn’t gonna complain. *v*

So we watched a movie together. Honestly… Honestly I couldn’t even tell you what movie it was. His arm was around me, tracing patterns into my shoulder. And he let me hold his hand again. I remember running my thumb up and down the back of his. And the smell of him. And the sound of his heart beat and the feeling of his breath slowly shifting me up and down.

About half way through the movie he shifted though, making me sit up. I looked at him to pout, but stopped because he was very decidedly NOT looking at me.

“I have… something for you…” he said softly. Before I could tell him he, of all people, didn't need to get me anything, especially after all he’s already given me, he pulled a small box out of his pocket.

“I didn’t want to give it to you… in front of everyone.” -after the mistletoe incident- was left unsaid.

I took the box. Trying to let myself accept things. Let myself be loved.

It was just a small blue box with a white cloud-patterned ribbon (that I still have shh. It was cute). I pulled the ribbon and opened the lid of the little blue box to find…

Okay it was small and simple but this.. Perfect earring. It’s just a red stone dangling on a black chain. Small. Simple. Perfect.

I stared at it long enough that I probably made him nervous. Trying to get myself to just say thank you. To just accept it.

Eventually I managed. “... help me put it in?”

My hands were still a bit stiff and fumbly (which sucked because I haven’t been able to paint much lately because of it). But even so it was an excuse for him to touch me more. To feel his hands brushing my neck and jaw. For him to be closer to me.

He obliged me and put it in. I.. Maybe it was just because it was dark, but that sliver of rekindled hope in me really wants to believe that he took his time with it. That he wanted that excuse to touch me too.

Hope is dangerous but…. I can’t help it. I’m hoping.

“Merry Christmas, Wei Ying,” he said softly when he finally pulled away.

I looked over at him and smiled. He smiled back.

“Merry Christmas, Lan Zhan.”

Something… in that moment. I was going to kiss him. There just was no other option. The moment. The hope. The memory. The feel of his skin. It all culminated into one truth.

I was going to kiss him.

Except.

I WAS COCKBLOCKED BY ADORABLE TODDLERS WHO I CAN’T EVEN BE MAD AT BECAUSE THEY’RE ADORABLE.

Apparently when we didn’t come back the kids decided that we got lost. And they snuck out to find us. They were so excited to rescue us that it took them a minute to realize we were in a giant movie room. After that they were about as excited as I was. (What does that say about me? Am I just a giant child?.... Hey wait a minute the only ones who got any gifts were me and the kids. I AM A GIANT CHILD. Fuck . T_T)

Once they got over their initial hyper excitement about the theater, we coaxed them into watching the movie with us. Lan Zhan clicked some magic remote or something and it changed to a more kid-friendly movie. (I don’t understand technology. I never will.)

I texted Shijie that the kids were safe with us in the movie room so she wouldn’t worry and let A-Ling settle onto my lap.

Gotta say. I don’t bet to be his favorite very often. It’s really nice when he’s in an Uncle Xian mood. <3

A-Yuan took his place back on Lan Zhan’s lap. He was much more confident now, just glancing at Lan Zhan to make sure it was okay before he sat on him.

And… Okay I can’t even be mad that they ruined my attempt to kiss Lan Zan because this image. This painfully beautiful domestic scene….

I’ve never wanted kids so badly in my life. Kids. With Lan Zhan. Just… I wanted this. So badly.

I still do. So much I’m almost shaking with it right now.

I want… I want to be a father. With Lan Zhan. I want that for the rest of my life.

And… I knew I loved him. I knew I want to be with him. But this hit differently. This… this was an absolute forever. This was.. This was more than wanting to date Lan Zhan or live with him or… you know… stuff. This was… I want his life to be entangled with mine. To the point that the life is ours. Not his and mine. Ours.

I want that so badly.

Maybe that’s selfish. But it’s what I want.

Time slipped by while I had this little life-changing revelation and before I knew it I was covered in drool. Jin Ling had fallen asleep. And A-Yuan wasn’t far behind him on Lan Zhan’s lap. I caught Lan Zhan’s eye and we smiled.

I wonder… if he was thinking the same things I was. Is that something he’d want? With me?

Maybe, that little flame of hope dares to admit. Maybe.

It could be possible.

After a while Shijie and Wen Ning popped their heads into the room to collect the children. Jin Ling transferred over to his mother like a sack of potatoes but A-Yuan was just not having it.

“Nooooo” he whined, still half asleep and clinging desperately to Lan Zhan. “I wanna stay with Bunny-Gege and Xian-gege. D:”

He made that face too. D: Like you could feel it in your soul that D:.

And we were powerless.

“Would you like to spend the night with us if Granny says it’s okay?” Lan Zhan asked. Oh that sleepy little nod was enough to melt even Madam Yu’s heart I’d bet.

Wen Ning laughed softly and told us he’d check with her to see if she minded. After a few minutes I got a text saying “he’s all yours.”

And that’s how we temporarily adopted Wen Yuan.

DaGe offered to drive us home since we’d walked here and it was a bit too cold for a sleeping 7 year old. We thanked him and let him drive us in the tank he has the nerve to call a truck. How many miles to the gallon must that thing get? 2? Ah well. Put A-Yuan promptly back to sleep anyway so I guess whatever works. We thanked him and wished him a Merry Christmas/Happy New Year and all that jazz and went inside together. We didn’t have anything to really put A-Yuan in so I donated one of my new t-shirts for him to wear as… a nightgown I guess? Whatever it was more comfortable and he didn’t complain.

And then I stole one of Lan Zhan’s shirts to wear so we’d match. Hah.

We all ended up sharing a bed together after Lan Zhan fished out a spare toothbrush for him to brush his teeth with.

A-Yuan in the middle and Lan Zhan’s long arms around the both of us.

I don't think I’ve ever slept better.

#wei wuxian #wei ying #lan wangji #lan zhan #mo dao zu shi #wangxian #fic #Long Post #(Modern AU!)

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dontstarve-maxwil-imeanmaxwell · 4 years

Text

Chapter 4

(Wigfrid notices something amiss and Winona agrees, but Wolfgang be the big trusting teadybear he is :3c kind long )

“That is an unusual sight!” Wigfrid stated quite loudly, but Winona just hummed and continued tinkering with the gears from a bishop and a rook they took down earlier that day, already used to her outburst, “What is?” “Where Wilsön and Maxwell always that clöse??” This caught Winona's attention immediately, whipping her head up she saw Maxwell and Wilson talking while walking up to Wilsons work tent, even pulling up the flap and letting him enter first. What. Winona looked at Wigfrid and shared a look of ‘ Did we seriously just see that’, “Maxwell isn’t known to be kind unless he wants something….” Wigfrid nodded her head in agreement, “ I don’t trust it either, but it dösen’t löök like they were arguing?” Winona shook her head” Well whatever it is, I am sure Wilson can handle it, he dealt with him before”

“Who dealt with who before?”

Winona and Wigfrid looked over to see Wolfgang, Winona speaked up” We were just talking about how Wilson and Maxwell have seem to gotten closer the past few days”, The burly man put on a thinking gesture with his hand brushing his mustache, “ Tiny man talk to Tall man quite much, I saw them doing chores together, unusual indeed” He still had an accent but his english was better nowadays due to Wickerbottom helping him out, she somehow knew a bit of Russian, she always seemed to know almost everything. “ No need worry of little man, he is strong in mind, and in body, Ms. Wickerbottom said no worry, he is not to harm tiny man, he is friend”, and with that he walked off to put down the logs he was carrying next to Wickerbottom who was busy weaving. “Odd” Winona stated, but if Wickerbottom was ok with it, then she would be ok, if not a bit wary, she was fond of WIlson and didn’t want him to get hurt in any way. Wigfrid had thought it over “ Wickerböttöm can be as wise as Ödin at times, I trust her, but let's keep an eye ön him at least '' They both nodded and got back to work on tearing up the mechanical beasts for parts.

Maxwell and Wilson were in the tent looking over the sketches of the guitar Wilson was doing “ No- that doesn't look right, you have to put the strings into a wooden block at the bottom, and the proportions are a bit wrong on the strings, each one is a different thickness”, Wilson nodded looking at the sketches and added notes to the side of the paper, “ Oh! I was thinking that the steel wool we can get from the Ewecus can be unravelled and straightened into the strings!” Maxwell hummed in agreement, this.. Was oddly nice, Maxwell had thought to himself, watching as Wilson was talking about ways to put things together and whatnot. Really it was endearing watching this in person rather than from the throne, he really liked to watch Wilson survive, it was quite funny, he had to comment on everything, and get into everything, he had really felt sorry for Wilson to take over the throne but he was too selfish, ‘better him than me’, was the last thought he had before he turned to dust, only to be brought right back to him. He would have believed it was fate, but in a place like this, there wasn’t really any mistake, after all the slap fight they had when they first saw each other outside of the throne room probably gave the shadows something to laugh about-”Um Maxwell, did you hear my other suggestion?” Maxwell a bit startled, straightened up, forgetting there was a lantern hanging just above his head,Thunk! He sucked in a breath between teeth in a low hiss as he pushed the lantern out of the way, glaring as if it personally offended him (which it did I might add) he heard loud boyish laughter and looked down to see Wilson practically dying in his laughter “HahHAHhahah!O-*giggles*-Oh my god, hah!’ Maxwell grumbled, “Find something funny PAL?” Maxwell basically hissed at the shorter man, who was still laughing hard, flushed and eyes pricked with tears,”I-HAhah-I am so-sorry but that, t-that was too funny” Maxwell then sneered,” Ha ha ha, laugh it up now, but you realize I have seen many more embarrassing things from you on the throne, what about that incident with the honey? ripped out a few hairs didn’t it?” That shut Wilson up real quick, he gaped like a fish up at Maxwell, red as the salmon in the salt ponds” Y-you!-good heavens you saw THAT!?” Wilson buried his face in his hands,” T-that was one time...and it was an a-accident!” Maxwell smirked,” Honey isn’t the substitute for lube here pal, there are better options” Wilson looked positively mortified, then curious in a second, what did Maxwell mean by-” ‘better options’? What does that mean?

“Exactly what it means Higgsbury, would you like a few tips?” Wilson looked at him skeptically, up then down, then up again,” How old are you?” ...Ow, Maxwell thought, Well to be fair he did look.. A bit old, he was around 50 when he came to this world, and that certainly wasn’t that old (It certainly was),” I am 50 Higsbury, not 100, despite how many years go by, we will never age here”, Higgsbury considered this for a moment, then turned back to his work shaking his head,” Alright Maxy, but don’t think I will forget about your little incident, so what would wood should we use?”Maxwell was taken aback by how the man was switching topics so quickly that he couldn’t keep up at times, maybe it was some form of ADHD? He shook his head. It was better than going back to the topic of his age,” Hm I was thinking of Birchwood? It is softer and easier to bend and carve” Taking his place behind Higgsbury, not seeing the little smirk Wilson had,”Softer and easier to bend huh?”Maxwell scowled,” I do hope you are talking about the wood Higgsbury ”,Wilson let out another laugh at Maxwell's expense, and it is to say that evening was filled with large amounts of arguing and laughing alike.

#music and biology #maxwil #wilson #maxwell #dst

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yeosanqtuary · 4 years

Text

with u - pt. 4

☆ - list of chapters

☆ - all content are fictional.

san didn't know why, but his chest started to throb in pain.

"ouch. i can feel your pain by 50%," san could hear yeosang start to breathe heavier than he usually did.

san didn't want to attract anymore unnecessary attention, so he endured the pain and tried not to show it in any way. he was pretty good at enduring pain, plus it wasn’t really that painful(at least to san).

"aw. i don't want to spoil the fun for you just one day in this universe. oh well,"

w-what fun is there to spoil?

"i really want to tell you, but i'm nice so i won't. you'll have to figure it out yourself!"

what! aren't you here to help me figure things out!

"you're right! but i assist you in figuring them out. i've already given you a big clue, actually,"

ugh, damn it. the pain won't stop. i hate this.

"oh, you won't. it's gonna stop in a few seconds. about time, now!" yeosang giggled and appeared in mini-form on san's desk. he sat comfortably on the little space between san's index and thumb that was gripping a pen.

there was a knock on the door and a familiar boy entered without waiting for a response or whatsoever. he swept his hand across his soft, black hair through the middle as he looked up from the book he was holding. his hair fell back down on his eyes lightly, making him look attractive as f. just that simple gesture made san's chest throb a little more. maybe his heart had accelerated, too.

"hi, miss yoo. you forgot your book back in class 1D," his silvery voice somehow soothed the pain by a lot.

"ah, thank you wooyoung! i was wondering where i had misplaced it. you may return to your class now," miss yoo dismissed him quickly and san somehow felt a little sad.

"please be careful next time!" wooyoung bowed his head and left the room. immediately, girls around him started to discuss.

"wtf was that!!!!!! he just did that thing, right???"

"yesss!!!! that was totally the killing move!!! omg his hand though!!!"

"omg he's kiling me!!!! so sexy!!!"

um. he rolled his eyes, but can't help but feel a little... annoyed? or...

"jealous. you're jealous," yeosang had hopped off his hand, chuckling.

of what?

"jealous for. not of,"

what?

"forget it. you'll know someday," yoesang took one last look at him and disappeared in thin air.

hey, wait! help me pull out the information screen and check that boy's details!

"of course. but you can call him by his name, though,"

yeah, yeah.

jung wooyoung... he hadn't met someone with this name in his past life. not even on the job.

"here you go, information about him!"

jung wooyoung, 15.

birthday: 26 november

soulmate: -

mother, father, younger brother

likes chicken, dislikes spiders etc

mutual friends: yunho, mingi, seonghwa, hongjoong

he knows yunho? how come i didn't even know that?

"yeah. about the letter... you really can't recall? not even in this life's memories?"

san frowned, thinking again. he shook his head.

"okay, look. you made a bet with mingi that if the cafeteria sold beef this week, you'd do anything he says. so that dumbass dared you to write a love letter to wooyoung, whose popularity among the girls and even the seniors, is huge,"

oh... so that's what the letter is all about.

"oh yeah. one more thing–the events that occur in this universe won't really match up with the ones in your original universe. so don't bother searching your past memories next time," yeosang chuckled, turning off the virtual screen.

"that's all for today. please go home and work on pages 40 to 43," miss yoo's voice suddenly came into focus after all this time. seems like yeosang has also retreated.

"hey! thanks for earlier, buddy! i'll help you with that letter as promised!" yunho winked and swung an arm around san's neck.

"uh... hahah, no thanks. i think i'd rather write it myself," san smiled awkwardly, rejecting his offer. it would be weird for someone else to write your own love letter, anyway.

"woah, you're really serious on this? y'know, it doesn't matter if you don't write it. i can always tell mingi-"

"nah. i'll just do it, since i've already agreed. don't wanna let him down,".

"okay then. you do you, i guess. but you do sound like you kinda like him," yunho whispered, giggling.

"wooyoung?" right after he finished his sentence, his face started to heat up.

"wow, wow, wow! we have a situation here!" yunho exclaimed, patting san's back.

"wow, wow, wow, what's going on?" mingi, who had just entered their class for his next lesson started to holler at the top of his lungs. everyone in the classroom started to look at the trio.

"oh, would you shut up, song," san groaned, rolling his eyes.

"mingi! san might have a crush!" yunho had stood up beside mingi and leaned close to his ear, whispering.

"oooh! on jung?"

"yes!!!!"

"..." san was speechless.

"that's great then! i'm the one who brought y'all together, shouldn't you treat me something?" mingi teased, swinging an arm around san just like yunho did earlier.

"oh, what period is it now? it's chemistry, right? toodles, i'm off to my next location!" san ignored both of their protests and stormed out of the classroom.

“hey, choi san! you’d better treat me to lunch tomorrow!” mingi shouted gravelly as he watched san leave.

once he was fully out of the class, he revealed a small smile. yunho and mingi were still the same old annoying kiddos. “hey, choi san! you better treat me to lunch tomorrow!”

there was once where san had showed this new girl around school because she bumped into him while being lost. the two boys teased him about it for the next few days or so. thinking back, san didn’t really mind back then. so why did he mind so much now? besides, they were a bunch of high school kids who were growing up, after all.

before san could think of anything else, he felt a dull pain on his chest.

“ah... i’m sorry, i wasn’t paying attention-agh!” it was wooyoung. he suddenly clutched his stomach in pain and collapsed to the floor. it was as if he had food poisoning.

“h-hey, what’s wrong?” san shouted tremulously, holding wooyoung up from his shoulders. should he bring him to the nurse’s office? should he report to a teacher first?

wooyoung’s breath started to get heavier and san could see that a thin layer of sweat had formed on his forehead. without a thought, san placed wooyoung’s arm around his neck and carried him up on his arms.

“i-i’m fine, you d-don’t have to bring me anywhere,” wooyoung said breathily, tapping lightly on san’s chest. however, san didn’t slow down at all. “no, i insist! what if there’s something wrong-”

“no, no, i’m really fine now. you can put me down,” wooyoung strangulated, using more force to hit san’s chest now.

“what? but what if it comes back-” san was cut off yet again.

“i’m sure it won’t. this has happened before. i know this feeling,” somehow, wooyoung’s face was red and was still breathing heavily.

“your condition. i don’t trust you. what if this time it continues? nope, i’m not letting that happen,” san’s tone was strict, but was filled with nothing but gentleness.

“...you idiot,”

next ->

#ateez #wooyoung #choi san #yunho #mingi #yeosang #woosan #fluff #high school au #soulmate au #transmigration #ateez au #ateez fanfic #kpop #fanfiction

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pilferingapples · 5 years

Text

Beeble Mis 5b : Who Gave You A Gun?!?

PREVIOUSLY on BBC Les Mis: it was Barricade Time, babey!

I’m trusting people better with geographical/layout descriptions than me will take this one. But other points:

- I give Wardrobe hell in this show and I do not take it back, but also let me say they’re doing a solid job on lower-class clothing. I especially like the poor woman in the march whose outfit is almost complete but her overblouse is too small and shows the lacing of her corset at her waist-- not sexy at all, it looks exactly like what it is, not being able to make/afford a top that really fits.

- ... A Riot Occurs! And okay yeah, listen, I’ve been trying really hard to evaluate this show as This Show, just an adaptation of the book, as Davies emphasized it was. But this is a very 2012 way to film the chaos as the riot erupts. I’m not saying it’s bad! I actually think it works! I just also think it’s Very Samey, and there are other ways to film chaotic sequences.

- The worker from The Something Cafe earlier (who I think may have been the one Enjolras saved earlier too?) comes up as they’re starting to build the barricade and is all WELCOME COMRADE and they are obviously really solid with each other and why Why WHY isn’t this worker just Feuilly?!? Enjolras has a canonical Worker Activist Bestie! It would have been a fine thing to go with!

...Were they afraid of mispronouncing “Feuilly”? because. I could understand that.

- “There’s only one line of attack!” says Enjolras and okay this is the kind of thing that people in genre shows say before being attacked from behind but it’s also like the whole deal with the Corinthe barricade so

- there’s a flag that I *think* has the date of the July Revolution on it? Not sure? Can anyone confirm?

- Grantaire grabs HALF A STOOL yes very good Grantaire

- Matelote is here! With a cockade in her hair! Slapping Grantaire in the face AS HE RICHLY DESERVES

- I am loving this HISTORICALLY ACCURATE multiracial and multigender crowd! Thank you!

- And now it’s time for COMEDY JAVERT!!! He is going to the barricades in his STEALTH CAP because he cannot TRUST anyone else to apprehend Jean Valjean! Who will definitely be IN THE VERY CENTER of the rioting! At...a small barricade..on an obscure street... with only 40-50 defenders...

you know if the IRL Official Intel had been this Hot and Happenin’, Charles Jeanne and Co. might have won:P

-BACK TO THE BARRICADE BUILDING, Gavroche steals the Mean Barber’s Plaster Head and Wig for and brings it along? for reasons?? , and then encounters Mabeuf

--okay Mabeuf being here is a Great Example of the way this series so often brings in canon details but gutted of the context that really makes them matter. We’ve seen nothing of his slide into poverty, his struggle, his desperation; there’s no reason to think there’s anything to him showing up (with tricolor sash!) except a genuine determination to Do His Part. I’m not sorry he’s here; I’m sorry it doesn’t tie in with anything else more.

- ...if Feuilly were here they’d be building a better barricade

- JAVERT IS HERE! ON THE CASE! TRACKING DOWN THE NOTORIOUS REBEL JEAN VALJEAN I’m sorry this is forever hilarious ACTUAL DIALOGUE:

Javert, Super Casual: Is a man named Jean Valjean with us? Quinnjolras, who very realistically has no idea who tf JVJ is: Not that I know of Javert, Super Smoothlike And Very Casual: He’ll be in the thick of it,MARK MY WORDS

Sadly then we of course cut to : Jean Valjean! or rather Cosette, trying to sneak out past Jean Valjean. And Marius! Sneaking into the Garden House!

And it’s all very nicely paralleled with them both being quiet and Marius is looking in a window and Cosette has her hands on the doorknob to step outside

and VALJEAN ATTACKS HER FROM BEHIND LIKE A HORROR MOVIE MONSTER

HOLY SHIT

she screams and begs to be let go, and he just! won’t ! he keeps Ever So Calm as he physically restrains her, calmly telling her that oh, it’s dangerous Out There, as opposed to in HERE, with a frigging superhuman keeping her restrained

he finally lets her escape back up the stairs and she yells I HATE YOU which is honestly seeming less Spunky Teen and more TOTALLY JUSTIFIED ACT OF BRAVE DEFIANCE holy shit

holy shit

I hate this Valjean so much y’all, this is so bad

the camera pulls away and shows us he is A Sad but !! I don’t care! Don’t PHYSICALLY RESTRAIN YOUR TEENAGER AND LOCK HER IN THE HOUSE

at this point in the recap I actually had to take a break and get some tea because holy shit

but okay. Okay. I’m back.

--and the scene is MERCIFULLY back to the House With Gardens In, where Marius is having an Existential Crisis and Eponine...is trying to convince him to live? and hook up with her? But she Name Drops the Chanvrerie Barricade apparently by mistake, here because this is the Les Mis where Women Aren’t Given Much to Thinking, and so Marius goes off to Die , as Marii do

then it’s back to the barricade! Where Courfeyrac , Mabeuf and Gavroche arrive at the head of a bunch of new recruits! Through the alley....into the barricade with only One Line of Attack...hhhhyeahhh. I . I get where like you couldn’t do a MASSED charge from that alley but it would be REAL easy to do a smaller distraction sortie? I think?

eh, I’m not Battle Tactics Blogger , back to the plot.

Gavroche spots Javert and immediately rumbles him; Enjolras and Courfeyrac and Not!Feuilly etc seize him and take him hostage. Go Team!

And then it’s evening,and all across Paris the lights are...doing things and people are singing!

But There is No Joy in Corinth, Except For Me! because Javert is tied to a post! and HILARIOUSLY YELLING ABOUT JEAN VALJEAN.

Actual Dialogue: WHERE IS HE! YOUR LEADER! JEAN VALJEAN!

I’m glad Quinnjolras thinks this is as funny as I do

Javert, to a group of armed revolutionaries: You’re mistaken, my friend! You’ve ALL BEEN LED ASTRAY.

Javert, my guy, I hate this Valjean too, but I don’t think he’s behind POLITICAL ISSUES IN PARIS.

Quinnjolras gets a We’re Not Assassins line when Gav makes to shoot Javert; I am pleased!

Meanwhile Not!Feuilly and Friends are outside watching the barricade; they call that the first charge is coming.

The first charge goes pretty well, Dramatic Fight Scene wise! Quinnjolras gets the barricade to use Good Bullet Economy, and is convincing as a combat leader, at least in this moment. Courfeyrac...gives the impression of being someone totally new to this, but getting the hang of it. Gavroche is Super Pumped and kills someone with Javert’s musket I think? (WHO GAVE HIM A GUN). (Bossuet I am pretty sure is killed.) And Grantaire, who has a gun somehow (WHO GAVE YOU A GUN)...gets an actual look at violence and shuts down. For any of the others,I’d be deeply annoyed by this, but it’s a good way of showing the basic Issue here: Grantaire has no real violence in him. He can be a jerk , but he doesn’t have the conviction to carry himself over the horrors of dealing real harm or real death--or seeing it come to others. War is genuinely awful! and he’s really not capable of this. It’s a good moment, and fits with the new way they’re doing his arc so far.

...and then as I’m appreciating this, and as the barricade is celebrating, it’s time to Raise the Flag! And Mabeuf volunteers! And Quinnjolras is like”hahah no grampa it’s fine” and Mabeuf says “I said I’ll do it”, and climbs up the barricade all awkward. And Not!Feuilly looks over at Enjolras like ??? and Enjolras does that shrug that means ‘Hey I Tried But Grampa Won’t Stop’ and Mabeuf puts up the flag and everyone goes YAAAAAY and Marius sneaks onto the barricade and Mabeuf gets shot.

And I just...it’s Shocking and it’s Sad in a Hey An Old Man Died sort of way, but it’s All Wrong for tone and context. The raising of the flag is supposed to be an obviously dangerous, essentially suicidal act of courage, that requires stepping into the line of open fire ; something even Enjolras hesitates to do. Mabeuf’s courage terrifies everyone , terrifies Enjolras ; Mabeuf inspires them all by his willing sacrifice, and becomes to the barricade a reminder of the courage of the Grand Revolution.

Here, putting up the flag is A Bit of A Chore; no one seems very tense about it; everyone’s watching calmly and laughing and cheering as it goes. Mabeuf’s death is Shocking, a Reminder that There Is Danger , not a foregone conclusion (and of course there’s no mention of the original Revolution as a positive inspiration). We, the viewer, don’t know about Mabeuf’s downward spiral in life, so we can’t link it to this decision, can’t see this as an act of protest and despair. Courfeyrac doesn’t know Mabeuf, so he doesn’t correct Enjolras on Mabeuf’s politics; he just seems shaken and lost by this Unexpected Death.

Mabeuf’s death is, essentially, reframed, from being a conscious, heroic , inspiring sacrifice to group of fighters who felt their courage wavering, to a Sad Loss That Awakens Everyone to The Horror Of Battle. Someone might like this choice of approach more; but it IS a choice, and a heavy one in terms of symbolism (even as it loses the commentary on symbolism!).

Anyway. Next wave of combat happens, Grantaire Nopes Out into the Corinthe (WHO GAVE YOU A BOOZE), Gavroche heads back into combat with a pistol (WHO GAVE YOU YET ANOTHER GUN) Marius RAUUUUGHS up and into Battle with the Gunpowder. It’s good! Kind of hilarious but good! The Barricade Is Saved and also happy about it instead of scolding him! GOOD !

and then Marius has a whole “it’s EASY when you DON’T VALUE YOUR LIFE” bit and Quinnjolras is like “Ungroovy , Comrade Buddy” and Marius walks down to the street level and a guard is Still Alive!1!1, and shoots at him! and hogad, Eponine sort of . Hurls herself across screen and falls in a heap RIGHT AT THE FOOT OF THE MAIN PASSAGE ON THE BARRICADE and Enjolras shoots the guard and is like “see some of us still value your life you drama llama” and i just

are they gonna move her or

--anyway , her Death Scene is very good until the odd change in final line; the shift from “I believe I was a little bit in love with you” to “I really did love you” is actually! a pretty major shift! but whatever ; Erin Kellyman did a wonderful job with the whole scene and for once I believe this Marius is truly sad at the passing of a life

The next bit with the letter is really cool! Let me give credit for that! Marius reads the letter Eponine gave him, while Valjean discovers Cosette’s blotter and reads it in a reflective plate-- a nice bit of symmetry and a cool way to use a book detail to unite the branches of the story! Valjean realizes Cosette is already lost to him-- “in her heart she’s gone” -- and I could not care less for the grief of Shouty Dragsalot, but it’s well acted for the person this Valjean is.

...and then Gavroche shows up with Cosette’s letter, and we get THIS

as Valjean JUMPS AT AND GRABS A CHILD and rips the note from his hand, and then growls at him to “hop it” until Gavroche does, in what is a really nasty echo of the Petit Gervais scene

and of course he reads Cosette’s letter and grabs a knife (WHO GAVE YOU A KNIFE), and heads to the barricade, where Javert lifts his head, alert, as his Valjean sense activates again.

...y’all I’m making as many jokes as I can but I am grieving for how horrible this Valjean is and how much more Cosette has to endure because of it?? this is grim. And while I know of course this series will stick to the plot of the book, it really would feel the most consistent for this Valjean to just flat out commit some good ol’ muderin’.

Well maybe JAVERT, SUPER POLICE PRESENCE will stop him! And save the poor barricade fighters from his malign influence! and then everyone can go get some cake with Cosette and Eponine and Mabeuf will make a Miraculous Recovery! That’s probably how it will go. No need to worry!

#Beeble Mis #Beeble Mis 5: Who Gave You A Gun #long post #death mention #abuse #Beeble Recaps

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your-miss-pt-blog · 5 years

Text

My PT Journey So Far

When I was in elementary, I could say that I have been an achiever. I have always did my best in everything that I do, which paid off at the end because I graduated Salutatorian. When I entered jhs in a Science hs, I was surprised by how great and intelligent my classmates were to the point that I felt an average student. In my first yr hs, I excelled and got myself in the first section. When I was sec yr, I was included in the ten students who were unfortunately distributed to lower sections. And during my third and fourth year hs, I never got to star section again. Despite of that, I was beyond happy. I have explored and discovered more of myself, learned to socialize more and go out of my comfort zone, and even found my true friends!! It was such a blissful feeling. Even though I did not make it to the star section again, I always make sure that I belong to one of the top performing students in the class. Also, I joined dance club and I was elected as the vice president during my jhs days. And looking back, I could say that I was the person who prioritize going out more than acads. I was very chill and relax but still perform really well in school back then. When I get to shs, I did not change at all. I graduated with honors but never forget to go out with my sibs and friends. It was also the time I enjoyed drinking and going to bars a lot. It was one of the happiest days of my life. However, my grade 12 days serve as the turning point of my life. It was the time that I get to take entrance exams from various universities and colleges and the time tochoose my course wisely. There has been so much pressure going on. Actually, when I was jhs, I was very decisive that I want to be an accountant someday. However, I was in a science hs and people around me such my parents and teachers pushed me to take STEM strand during my shs days. It is because I could only get a certificate if I only study there during my jhs days. However if I finish my senior high there in science hs, I could get a diplomat, and a lot more benefits when I apply for work. At first, I was really decided to transfer to another school just to take ABM strand. But my parents do not like the idea and also I really want to put into my resume that I graduated from a science hs. Also, my teachers told me that it would not affect whatever course I want in college. Thus, at the end, I chose the STEM strand, which made me love science and led me to pick a science course for college, and that is BSPT. I was actually still considering taking BS Accountancy but something is telling me that it would be hard for me to cope with everything about business. I do not have an edge because apparently, other students who have taken ABM strand know a lot about business stuffs. I was not brave enough to pick BS accounyancy as my first choice. And during my grade 12 days, it was the time I started to love everything about PT. Truth is, i do not have a deep knowledge about it before. All I know is it would tackle about the human body etc. Also, I liked it because I like massaging and I thought it is somehow related (w/c is a big NO hahah). And I cannot think of other course bc although I like science, I do not like to take BS Biology or Med Tech bc I do not like microscopes. From the very beginning, my first choice when it comes to university is PLM because I have searched that it is the number 1 PT school in the Philippines. And of course my sec priority is up and although I did not pass upcat, I could say that I'm still happy because if I were to choose bet UP and PLM, I would still choose PLM. One of the reasons is because my brother studies there and up until now, it's been more than 5 years and he's still studying. I have heard that once u enter UP, it's really hard to get out and graduate there.

Entering and studying in plm is one of the my greatest achievement so far. To be a scholar and a college student at the same time in a prestige school is really tough but is worth it. After experiencing and passing my 1st and 2nd sem as a first yr college student, I could say that I have known myself better. For me, the hardest part in college is when you spend all night to study but still end up disappointed because you get low grades in quizzes, exams and pracs. It was really heart breaking every time I experience this. After failing, I take time to breathe, cry, eat, think, and stand up again to redeem myself. I always tell myself that I am a strong person and in life, there is nothing I cannot surpass. And after experiencing all these things, I have discovered a lot about myself as a student. I am the type of student who is very goal driven and when I say that, I am someone who would prioritize acads over hang outs. I am the type of students who prefer to study alone in library or at home rather than in group studies somewhere in a place where noise is evident. I am the type of student who knows in myself that I am not intelligent as a person but I am very hardworking. I am the type of student who still cannot believe that I am one of the top performing students in my class for the past 2 sems. It feels surreal that my blockmates look up to me and treats me as someone who is very smart and nerd. Sometimes, I experience smart shaming such as when people see me, they always think that I have already studied and finished a lot of chapters to read, but it is not all the time. And when I say I have not yet studied or something like that, they would always think that I am lying. It is really hard to deal with this kind of thing but it is better to just ignore those people who invalidate me. College is tough but BS Physical Therapy is tougher. Currently, I am overthinking of how to start studying in ITPC after my vacation. My summer class would start at April 1, this coming Monday and I am really nervous. It is because one of my profs is Ma'am Joyce, which is very strict in teaching and she is known for failing her past students before. I am really scared but I got this!! I am claiming that I would pass ITPC and could move on to 2nd year ahhh 💞

1:50 am, March 28, 2019

#kwentongpt #roadtoptrp #firstyear

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1800-seungshine · 7 years

Text

responsible.

member: bae jinyoung genre(s): high school!au, hoobae!jinyoung, fluff summary: all the matters regarding bae jinyoung’s grades is now placed in your hand but it seems like it’s not just his grades that you’re going to take responsibility for. (requested - bullet point format) word count: 2.3k

note: a requested scenario by an anon! i’m so sorry if it’s really lengthy hahah but i really really hope you like it ;; thank you for requesting, once again it means a lot! as well as that, many thanks for the likes, follows and reblogs - words can’t say how much i truly appreciate it, thank you thank you ; ~ ; < 3

all a’s with a rank that never goes below than top five

you wouldn’t be a member of the student council for no reason

warm, friendly, responsible and hardworking - you’re the definition of being a blessing

esp to the teachers bc you’re one of those kids who actually help them and not give them a headache (unlike me smh)

like tbh you’re not the school president

but somehow people treat you like you are bc why aren’t you the school president??

you’re even more responsible than the school president and your attendance is better

the votes are rigged!! jk it’s not

a lot of students know you, not just because of the student council

but because you’re a really great tutor

like the greatest

you could probably take over the teacher’s job bc everyone just comes to you and asks

that’s why the teachers love you so much lmao

you have so much patience and kindness that you don’t mind getting bombarded by questions and taking your time to teach others

like forget the religion of hwang minhyun

that doesn’t exist here bc the religion of the “angelic sunbae” does

yeah you earned that endearment after some random seventh grade kid yelled that out loud when you were in tenth grade and somehow it stuck with you all the way till your last year of high school

now everyone just refers to you as that name

and that’s how bae jinyoung knew you at first

“jinyoung-ah. you see that sunbae? she’s the school’s angelic sunbae.”

jinyoung looks at the direction of his friend’s point, the smile that lights up on your face and the way your eyes crinkle as you laugh with your friends causes his stomach to churn

but this boi isn’t really the brightest so he thinks he ate something

yeh like his feelings oOHOOHOH

“angelic sunbae?” jinyoung softly repeats to himself, his eyes never leaving you.

that of course wasn’t really proven until his grades drastically dropped

apparently it dropped so much that his teacher deemed it as concerning

like the boi only went from 98% to 70% - at least he passes look at me i winged an aural test and if i get 50% i’ll be over the moon

but this cute baby did admit he was struggling with the topic they were currently learning despite feeling so insecure confessing it

so the teacher was like “issok boi, i gotchu.”

and by that his teacher meant “lemme hit you up with the only student who i know can do this bc im not dealing with your crap”

idk if your life is all sorted or you just don’t seem to have one but you happily agreed tho bc why the hek not

hence why you enter the school library and start searching for this student

you weren’t really expecting much bc you’re obviously used to helping other people when it comes to academic things

bUT HOT DAMN THIS CUTE GUY WITH A SMOL ASS HEAD STARTS CHALLENGING YOU INTO STARING COMPETITION

and bc he was the only person in that area, you assumed that he was the one you were gonna teach

i mean you were prepared to teach him

didn’t mean you were prepared for the fact that he was really handsome

you walked up to him with an apologetic smile bc even if you came right on time, he still had to wait and you felt guilty for that

“sorry, were you waiting long? i didn’t know you’d come earlier.”

meanwhile jinyoung’s just staring at you, looking all flustered and cute bc he’s freaking out on the inside

he just doesn’t know what to do in front of you so he simply shakes his head bc sha sha sha yknow

so there’s like this five second silence of awkwardness before you flash a smile at him

and your smile makes him feel alive again like is that even possible when he’s been living the entire time

“well i’m y/n and i’m going to tutor you from now on but don’t fret, i’m not that strict and as your tutor, i’ll do my hardest to make things easier for you to understand but don’t be shy and speak up if you have issues okay?”

he’s not really giving you a reply bc he’s just listening to how nice your voice is since it’s really soft and gentle

after all he hears on a daily is daehwi whining and jihoon with his stupid aegyo experiments so your voice is something he could get used to

but bc he aint answering, you’re just looking at him waiting for a reply and he’s making this entire thing more awkward than it should be so he just nods

apparently for you, that nod is enough to make you feel happy and giddy so your smile widens and he swears that the whole room just became brighter

“so, do you wanna get started??”

tIME SKIP WHOOSH WHOOSH BOIS

okay so you’ve been tutoring for about a few months, three days a week

at first he clearly wasn’t the talker but that was okay

your social skills were as good as the visuals this boi was blessing you

but bc you were really friendly, he opened up to you pretty quick

and now he’s just being a little piece of r00d crap

nowadays he’s treating you like you’re the younger one by patting your head and using his height advantage to tower over you before giving you that damn cheeky smile

sometimes he even drops honourifics and calls you whatever he feels like

“did you just call me a little kid- ” “no, sunbaenim. i didn’t say that you must have been hearing things.”

lol who says you were complaining tho, you’re growing fond of him

but ofc i made you oblivious so you wouldnt really know that you’re not just fond of him, you like him ahah howbowdah

meanwhile underneath cheeky!jinyoung is filled-with-anxiety!jinyoung who ain’t up for the fact that he could get busted anytime soon

busted for numerous reasons

cos for one, he basically knows everything you’re teaching him bc he’s outright smart

that topic that he confessed he was struggling with?

yeah that was highkey a lie, he just didn’t want to outright tell the teacher that he binged watch fancams and fan-made videos of pristin’s joo kyulkyung instead of studying for the exam (pls support pristin btw)

and second, jinyoung may or may not have started liking you

it was weird bc at first he thought he was just sick

but what sickness includes symptoms of making excuses to see a person, trying their hardest to make that person laugh and being restless at night bc all they to do is think about the person??

that’s right folks

influenza

i mean,,,

love yeh that

so those marks of his that doesn’t necessarily show improvement??

lmao jinyoung purposefully answers them incorrectly to keep his scores down

bc you tutoring him is the only way he can keep seeing you

but haha guess what it’s that time of the semester again where he gets more exams

this time tho you were gonna motivate him even more

“okay, baejin.” you say to him, pulling out his favourite drink and placing it on the table

he’s just looking at it with a cheeky grin, “wahh sunbae, i didn’t know you were the type to bribe people.”

you playfully glare at him but a smile still reaches up to your face a nano-second later

“i’m not really the type to and it’s actually my first time.”

jinyoung just grins, his eyes never leaving you as he leans forward on the table, “i must be special then.”

of course, you roll your eyes bc wow this kid used to be so shy towards you at the start and look at the boldness he has now tsk tsk

“you are special.”

enter jinyoung’s heart going ‘dugeun dugeun’ (totally making a snl reference)

jUST KIDDING HIS HEART’S HAVING A HEART ATTACK IT’S DOING BACKFLIPS IN HIS CHEST

ok ok why am i getting excited i know the ending to this wheezes

“ever since mr. jung gave me the responsibility to tutor, your grades also falls into my hands,” you begin in a rather serious tone that is immediately contrasted when he sees you grin again, “and whilst there isn’t really noticeable changes onto your results, this test might determine things so i’d like to propose a deal with you.”

jinyoung simply raises an eyebrow cos he aint taking you seriously after all the silly antics you’ve been showing him for the past few months

“y’know, this would have been more effective at the start when i actually took you a little more seriously, sunbae.”

“well, i didn’t think of it earlier okay! i’m human too,” you slam your fists on the table gently with a pout,

srsly not a good idea to be happily stuffing your face with food bc he took a lot of photos of you, reasoning that “you’re just too cute. i can’t help that.”

“bUT OI- IM NOT DONE YET. LISTEN TO ME.”

jinyoung just watches you, laughing to himself bc you’re cute when you’re annoyed. “okay, okay i’m listening.”

“right, well if you get at least over 90% for two out of your upcoming exams - regardless of any subject, i’ll reward you by granting your wish.”

lmao this boi was doing his best to maintain a poker face and not let out that mischievous smile of his bc he’s gonna pass these test with flying colours.

“well what if i don’t get a 90% for my exams?” he questions causing you to think about it.

“i don’t know, you can be my slave for three months or something. i’ll think of the consequences later but do we have a deal or not?”

he leans back on his chair, holding his chin almost as if he’s thinking about it thoroughly

a huge lie cos he’s just damn pretending

“hmmm, 90% for all exams and you have yourself a deal.” jinyoung says with a confident smile

you let out a sound of approval, slowly clapping “since when was little jinyoung so confident? are you sure?”

“of course! so deal?” he extends his hand

grinning, you take his hand and firmly shake it, “deal.”

wHOOP WHOOP ANOTHER TIME SKIP COS HAHA WHY NOT.

you were waiting for him to arrive, casually sipping your favourite drink and his on the table

once you see him enter the library, you instantly jump out of your seat

his exams are finished and the results have been finalised, resting in his bag

but he’s walking towards you with an unreadable expression

suddenly you’re feeling anxious and worried bc he looks upset and you don’t like seeing him sad

“baejin...did it not go well...?”

he’s looking down, not giving a reply and just lets out a sigh

your heart’s close to breaking bc he must have put so much effort and hardwork into studying

yet the next thing you know

there are these exam papers on the table and it certainly aint yours so you look over them

and all his exam papers were all marked with a’s and nothing below 95%

so now you’re just confused and standing there frozen bc your brain isn’t processing it well

five seconds later you look up at him, a fist raised in the air bc you were gonna punch this guy for tricking you

your tears were gonna come out wth this guy srsly

but you see that smile of his, eyes filled with so much joy that you can’t help to forgive him

“yah! i got so scared - i was gonna start crying.” you whine, slapping his arm lightly

jinyoung just lets out a laugh, ruffling your hair. “sorry, i just wanted to tease you a little.”

you roll your eyes but still grin, “whatever, weirdo but i guess i have to keep the promise so as a reward, i will grant one of your wishes! have you thought about it yet??”

he sends you a wide smile before nodding, “yeap.”

“okay, what is it?”

“spend a day out with me.” jinyoung says but instantly back pedals by stuttering a little, “i mean - if you want to though. i’m not forcing you or a-anything.”

you look a him, trying your hardest not to blush and ignoring that slight skipping of your heart. “so, like a date basically?”

“i-if you want to consider it as a d-date.”

“okay. it’s a date then.”

jinyoung just pauses then looks at you with widened eyes, “wait- what?! really? you’d go on a date with me?”

so now he’s just freaking out mentally and emotionally bc he was expecting a cold-hard rejection

he even practiced the situation with daehwi

you’re just laughing, shaking your head in amusement bc this boy can be really cute, “yeah why not? it’s not every day i get asked out by a cute guy.”

jinyoung with his red ears, blushing cheeks and grin that goes from ear-to-ear feels like celebrating

he could go on the table and just dance right there and then if he had no self control

“but can i ask you something?” you stretch your arm to poke his cheek and he immediately nods his head

“how did you get above 90% for all your exams? i thought you were struggling with these concepts.”

jinyoung sends you one hell of a mischievous grin and you can sort of tell that something isn’t right, slightly stepping backwards as he begins to explain, “i may or may not have been lying about my low grades...?”

“oH MY GOD. BAE JINYOUNG - WERE YOU JUST TRICKING ME THE ENTIRE TIME??”

“ONLY BECAUSE I LIKE YOU! FROM NOW ON, YOU HOLD RESPONSIBLE FOR MY GRADES AND MY HEART.”

“THAT DOESN’T MAKE UP FOR IT - i mean it does bUT STILL! COME BACK HERE!”

and hence to end the day, jinyoung blasts out the library and into the beautiful sunset, laughing away as you start to follow suit and beginning the chasing game.

#bae jinyoung #jinyoung #wanna one #wanna one scenarios #wanna one imagines #baejin #jinyoung imagines #jinyoung scenarios #produce 101 #pd101 season 2 #so many words #im so sorry #i hope you like it

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kpop4dummies · 7 years

Text

The Pains In My Heart

Another piece of writing because I got bored! And Jung Jaehyun is the epitome of my life. Something a little heavier because watching a movie that makes you cry is the best method of healing ever :D Promise it’ll be a happy ending though!~ It’s a pretty long one, and I’m sorry it moves pretty slow. But I hope you enjoy! - Fay <3

(Photo not mine. Credits to NyLon Magazine)

Genre: Slight Angst, Romance, Neighbor!AU, HighSchool!AU

Word Count: 3,605+

POV: First Person

“Ms. (Y/L/N), this matter is very serious if it goes on any longer. I advise you that you stop with your activities and move somewhere better for your health.”

“I’m sure my daughter understands, Doctor.”

“Good. Now her next appointments are…”

So here am I now in this new part of the city where it’s considered ‘safe for my health.’ No matter where I go, it’ll all be the same in the end. Nowhere is safe for my health. As long as I try to survive and get through the day without breaking a bone. That’s all that mattered to me for the sake of my parents.

The first day we got to the new house was chaos. You know the deal, bringing out the boxes and unpacking all the dishes, clothes, toiletries, accessories. I wasn’t allowed to carry the things that were ‘too heavy’ for obvious reasons. As usual, dad would always crack jokes and even play around while mom unpacked and messily set the random articles of clothing and the accessories into the various rooms in the house. And for me? To just do as I was told. And the first night I slept, I barely got any. The city sights of our old home gave me comfort, where the loud noises on the streets numbed out the negativity in my head and gave me something to focus on as I slept instead of contemplating my existence.

I saw no point into moving out here. I already missed the other side of town where my friends were probably missing me. If I even had any. The new high school didn’t exactly make it easier on me either. Kinda like the one back where I used to live. Always kids picking on me and complaining when I had an excuse to sit out on activities that included intense physical activity. Oh yeah, it felt like home now. Everyday for the next two weeks was the same. I woke up, went to school, went home, did my homework, eat, then sleep. The same cycle over and over again with no change.

Until one day, everything seemed to change. As usual, I got up and sat on my bed for awhile staring out my window. The blinds of the opposite window were open, which never happened. I always believed that that house was never occupied. And then, this handsome man appeared, woken up and ready for the day. He was dressed in only a wifebeater and some grey sweatpants with his hair a fluffed up mess, and… Woah. Who was he? Was it possible for someone to wake up as flawless as him? That was until he closed his blinds. I froze on my bed, the image replaying in my head of when he walked into his room, seemingly done with his morning routine.

Eventually, I had to get out of bed. I did my morning routine, got dressed, ate breakfast, and headed out to walk to school. It was slightly chilly that morning on the way, I wished I brought a jacket. Why did I wear such a short sleeve shirt? Luckily, I was there in twenty minutes with ten left to spare. The building could be colder than outside, I swear.

After the first three classes of the morning, it was finally time for lunch. I mainly was by myself, sitting in the corner where no one ever goes to. It was all fine and dandy, until I met the eyes of the same guy I saw next door. This time, in actual clothes and socializing. He was less mysterious in this sense. He seemed to have fun. He stared at me as if he wanted to do so on purpose, until something else caught his attention. What was this feeling in my heart?

The school day began to end, finally. And it was time to walk back home. Just as I was about to head out, I heard a ‘hey you!’ being called out. I normally would ignore it. It was probably someone else being called to. Until I felt a hand on my shoulder. I whipped around to meet the same eyes of the boy next door. I was numb.

“Hey you, I was calling for you~”

“Do I know you?” I questioned him. Well, duh of course I knew him, what a dumb question…

“Well, I am your next door neighbor. Perhaps I didn’t introduce myself. Ahem, Jung Jaehyun. Junior class,” he said as he held out his hand, a small smile appeared on his lips. So he was a year above me. I hesitantly took his hand with a shy grin.

“(Y/N), sophomore class.”

“Year younger, eh? Well, I suppose I can walk you home,” he said as his smile got wider.

The walk home was pretty pleasant. Jaehyun was an interesting person. Pretty popular among the crowd and had friends who were just a popular. He was pretty intelligent as well, which made the girl swoon. He sounded so perfect, and why was someone so perfect talking to someone who had nothing to offer? I guess you could say I’m a prude. I was nothing compared to what his life was like.

“I mean, there could be some upsides in your life right?”

“If taking meds and constantly protecting yourself from almost everything was fun, I would consider my life an amusement park.”

“C’mon Negative Nancy, don’t get like that.”

“I’m not that pessimistic, I swear!” We could both laugh at my misery and how silly it was. He made my spirits lifted somehow. Like the world was off my shoulders finally. It was a fun time until we both stopped by my house.

“Well, I guess tomorrow is a new day, huh?”

“Yep. And no worries, (Y/N). It’ll always be a better day tomorrow. Don’t get too negative on me, eh?”

“Yeah yeah~ No time for lectures right now, ok? Well, see you at school, Jae!”

“You too, little miss sunshine~”

The little nickname he gave me made me chuckle and feel warm on the inside. Maybe I finally found a friend who’ll stick out for me. How wonderful. Until my mood swing hit and said, ‘He only pitied you. Don’t think it won’t happen again.’ It was fun while it lasted, as I always say.

For the next few months, it was like this. Me and Jaehyun walking to school together, meeting up at lunch with his friends to hang out, coming home afterschool and spending more time together in his house. And then go to bed to do the same thing all over again. Our moms would even tease us for going on ‘dates.’ Ridiculous, right? I’ll admit, it was kinda cute to be teased that we were a couple.

We couldn’t keep secrets from each other. We were the best of friends. Why would I lie to him? But thruthfully, I already broke that rule since Day One. I wouldn’t dare tell him what was wrong with me. Why I couldn’t do certain activities and why I was suddenly negative at random times. I couldn't even tell him why I was on so many medications at once. We were supposed to tell each other everything right?.

Until that fateful night. That’s when he finally found out everything.

On a Saturday afternoon, Jaehyun sent a text even if he was in the next window of the house.

[3:50] (Y/N)! I wanted to tell you something!

[3:50] What haven’t you told me? lol

[3:51] Hurtful, hahah

[3:51] Anyway, Taeyong’s picking me up to head over to Taeil’s house in about 20 minutes. The guys will be there. You wanna come?

[3:52] Um, heck yeah! Casual?

[3:52] No, we’re going to prom. Of course dress casual, silly~

[3:52] lol, you meanie. I’ll be at the house in about 15.

[3:53] sounds good~ I’ll let them know you’re coming with.

And as usual, I dressed into a jacket and some leggings with a random band shirt thrown in my closet. Surely I didn’t look like I tried to fit in, did I? After a few minutes of laying around in my bed, I got up and headed for next door, just about five minutes before we were supposed to leave. I rang the doorbell about three times before a hoodie-clad Jaehyun stood at the door.

“You’re here a bit early~”

“Don’t pretend like you don’t miss me.”

“I’m not saying I didn’t,” he said as we both chuckled. I stepped back as he went to lock up his door. And at that moment, I heard Taeyong pull up on the driveway of the house. I turned to look around and gave a wave to the car. Well actually it was a seven-seater SUV, suiting his ‘father-like’ image. But it managed to fit the whole group regardless.

Jaehyun and I squeezed into the van, which had enough room for the both of us. And the ten minute drive to the house wasn’t too quiet either. Boys were normally loud, regardless of age or whoever was in the car.

“So (Y/N), finally joining in one of our parties, eh?”

“It’s not exactly a party if we’re just drinking and playing video games, Yuta,” Doyoung said, making the whole car burst into laughter.

“Well, actually I can’t drink too much.”

“Why not? Age is nothing but a number, (Y/N). We won’t tell the cops.”

“Unless you want me to die Johnny, then I’ll take nine tequila shots.” The car was filled with more chuckles and laughs as more conversation went on. Soon, we arrived to Taeil’s house, getting out the car and piling up in his living room.

This went on for a couple of hours. The smell of alcohol in the air made me feel a bit heavy, but I went on. Jaehyun kept me by his side at all times in case something happened to me, but truthfully wherever he was, I couldn’t even breathe.

“It’s just us, Jae. I don’t need to be babysitted. I’m just gonna sit on the couch.”

“Nuh-uh. You’re like my baby sister. No way in heck I’m letting you out my sight.”

Being called baby sister made a pang of hurt run through my heart. Why did I hate being called that? I wasn’t ever like that to him. But instead of saying it outloud, I just kept quiet and stood next to him the whole time. Damn you mood swings. It was like that for the night, I stayed by him because well, I was told to and that I couldn’t sit anywhere else because of the smell of alcohol everywhere. They didn’t even drink that much, why was it so strong?

Even the smell of it coming from their cups made me gag a bit. My brain was swirling until Doyoung proposed we take a road trip up the hills on the outskirts of town. I could barely handle the smell of alcohol in the house, so I was relieved when he mentioned something about going outdoors. It was that moment that we headed into the car, piling in one by one. Then we realized that we didn’t have any space for me in the SUV.

“Damn, do we have to leave her here?”

“Shut up, no we don’t. Um… (Y/N)…” Jaehyun said as he patted his lap. Suddenly, my cheeks turned red. Why was my heart suddenly beating so fast? Why did it suddenly hurt? The car erupted in little cheers and ‘whoops’ as I took a seat on his lap, closing the door before it was locked by a pretty sober Taeyong.

As conversation went on in the car, I looked out the window to calm myself from my surroundings. And then I was tapped on the shoulder.

“Hey (Y/N), you don’t look too well. Do you wanted to be taken home?”

“Mmm, no.. I’m… I’m fine. Really. Just out of it for the night.”

“Are you sure? You’re really pale and slightly out of breath. Do you need the window opened a little?” Upon his words, the window opened just a bit to let in fresh cool air into the car, which made the breathing a bit easier on my part.

“That’s better…Thank you, Jae.”

“Of course, whatever little miss sunshine so desires,” he said with a cheesy smile, patting my belly gently as another blush crept on my cheeks. Before anymore teasing or crude jokes could be thrown at us, we finally arrive on top a high hill. As we got out of the van, the air hit my senses. It relieved the my cloudy mind and my heavy heart, giving myself time to breath before I went over to what the boys were marveling about. And that’s when I spotted the most gorgeous view of the city. The different colors of light covered the area in dots, lines of neon decorated the night, and the beautiful dark blue sky complimented those random bursts of colors that changed every second.

And then I felt a pair of arms encircle around my waist, making me squeal and I felt myself being lifted off the ground.

“Ey, relax. It’s just me.”

“Dear god, why did you scare me like that?”

“Because it’s kinda cute~” His smile could make me faint at any moment. He was legit making my heart beat so fast that I could actually die. But why should I care if I pass out? Was this what it’s like to be in love? To the point where feelings were so strong, nothing else even mattered but the person who was holding you? It made my brain swirl again, to the point where I’m shaking in his arms.

This kind-hearted boy next door stole my heart. I wouldn’t be afraid to admit that. And if anything could cure my heart from my sickness, it would be him. but why was I too chicken to say it outloud? I’m so afraid of telling him because even spilling my emotions was dangerous. I extreme emotion was too dangerous for me to admit or or even feel. But I’m only human.

“Jeez, did I jumpscare you that badly?” God, that voice. It was so sweet, sweeter than honey. And those gorgeous eyes. I could look into them forever and I would never find my way out of them. What did he see through his eyes? What was I to him?

“Why you say that?”

“Your heart is beating really fast, also that you’re really pale.”

‘Fuck, he noticed,’ my mind said. Did he know was going on?

“No, I’m fine. Swear.”

“Well, then I guess this is the perfect time to tell you this.” Suddenly, my heart skipped a couple beats. Was this real king happening? What if this was the end of our friendship? Someone who I suddenly became close to after my diagnosis?

“(Y/N), do you think this is the perfect time to say I love you?”

Then suddenly, everything went dark. I couldn’t feel anything. But soon I woke up to the smell of latex. My eyes opened up slowly to a hospital room with only myself in it.

“This place again?” I said to myself. The window’s blinds were drawn so I couldn’t see anything out of it. I’ve lost my sense of time. And the only noise I can hear was some quiet talking outside the room.

“What happened last night, Jaehyun?”

“We were just up on a hill and.. she just collapsed.”

“You do understand her condition right?”

“What? Why didn’t she tell me? I didn’t even know…”

My heart clenched and beated rapidly. I felt like I just betrayed my friend. I lied to him all this time and what kind of a friend does that make me? I hid my heart condition from him after all these months and I didn’t even have the heart to tell him what was wrong with me. My mood swings, why I was so introverted, and this. And to top it all off, I fell in love with him. But who would love someone who lied to them?

Tears threatened to fall from my eyes, and then someone opened the door. I expected my parents to walk through, asking me if I was ok now, what was I feeling. But to my surprise, Jaehyun walked in. Was he gonna curse at me? Tell me why did I lie to him? Or even worse, why did he even tell me I love you.

“Hey..”

He was silent at my call to him. The sudden pause made the room feel awkward. The air was beginning to get heavy, almost hard for me to breathe. Then suddenly, I just couldn’t take it anymore. The tears that built up in my eyes began to spill. I couldn’t hold the truth for much longer.

“I’m sorry I lied to you. I’m sorry I lied about being ok. I know I should’ve told you sooner but I didn’t want you to worry about me… Please understand. Please don’t be mad at me…”

I choked through my words of apology. How would he even accept me? That was until I heard his own silent sobs. I looked up to see him at the edge of my bedside wiping up his own tears.

“Why did you hide it? I feel so guilty for bringing you with me last night…”

“But why do you feel so guilty? I lied to you about my health.”

“I feel guilty because I should’ve protected you. You couldn’t even breathe, (Y/N). I was so scared of the fact that you could’ve died.”

The tears stopped falling from my eyes. I could only stare at him as he turned his head to get a better look at me. I must look like a mess from the way he looked at me. But then he cracked a little smile at me, reaching over to my hair to tuck it behind my ear.

“Hey now. You’re so pretty when you cry. But you would look even more beautiful if you didn’t.”

A sudden chuckle came out of my lips, wiping up my tears and holding onto his hand with my free one. I didn’t even hold hands with him before. It felt like it fit in my own.

“That’s so cheesy.”

“You know it, babe.” Woah. Babe? How faster could my heart get?

“Jae? Is it this the perfect time to say I love you?”

After getting discharged from the hospital after three days, I went back to school pretty strong. The average looks from everybody staring at me, judging me, and probably worse. It was all back to normal. Or so I thought. Jaehyun wasn’t there and neither was his friend group. Everything felt out of place.

That was until Sicheng and Yuta came up to me before I went home for the day and handed me a blindfold.

“This better not be some prank, Yuta.”

“Why do I always get in trouble?”

“That’s besides the point. Anyway, just put on the blindfold, promise we won’t kill you. You’ll like what we prepared~”

“For the first time in forever, I never would trust Sicheng.”

Hesitantly, I put it on. I reached my hands out until I smacked someone, hearing a little ‘ow’ before I was guided somewhere. It seemed like we headed down the atrium to a case of stairs, seeming like it was taking forever. My heart began to weaken a bit, but before I could give in, I was guided through a door. A sudden breeze brushed past me and through my hair. But the air still felt warm. And then my blindfold was taken off to reveal that I was on top of the roof.

“But why would you two take me here?”

“Turn around and see for yourself.”

I took their word and I turned to see Jaehyun on a stool with a guitar. He has never looked so beautiful. So perfect. But what made my heart beat even faster is the fact that the song he sang was the my favorite love song. I didn’t even realize that I got closer to him, his features gotten more defined as I came closer and closer. His voice we even more perfect as he sang to me. What did this all mean?

But as he ended his song, his hand reached out to cup my face. His hands were so warm. And he pulled me close to his face, and our lips touched. His lips were even warmer.

The sudden cheers and ‘whoops’ made me pull back in embarrassment, hiding behind my hands as my heart began to race. In a good way of course. And then, Jaehyun suddenly spoke.

“For the last few months, this gorgeous young lady has stolen my heart from day one. She’s someone who unexpectedly became my best friend, who understood what it was like to be in pain. But what made her strong was the fact that she was able to pull through, just for me and for her family. She even hid the fact that she was in pain, just for me to not worry about her. And then she was able to see the brightside of life, why she should live longer, and why it was worth it. Because she was worth something to the boy next door who didn’t know that he needed her. (Y/N)?”

“Yes?”

“Will you be my girlfriend?”

“Yes. Yes yes yes, a thousand times yes!”

Even through my misery and pain, after all what I believed my life was, I finally found someone else who was worth all my love and all my life.

#nct scenarios #nct secnario #nct 127 scenarios #nct u scenarios #jaehyun #jaehyun scenario #jaehyun scenarios #nct 127 scenario #nct u scenario #jung jaehyun #jung yoonoh #kpop scenario #kpop scenarios

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monsterloveday · 7 years

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When you completely lose yourself by trying to find yourself

Hello to the two of you that read my blogs. ;P So today my mind was its usual whirlwind of chaos - dwelling, fretting, over analysing, predicting and its panicked self (my brain is a DICK).

I started the day waking up and just thinking... “I think I hate my life” - that I was so unfulfilled, tired, bored and depressed with my daily routine. Which then lead me to think “Will anything EVER fulfil me or be enough?” or will I always be a little bit depressed?. Those days where you completely evaluate your whole existence, that it seems everyone has their shit together (getting those dream jobs, those dream partners, travelling the world etc) yet you still don't know what the fuck to do with your life and have about £50 in your savings?. And no matter what option you consider to try and better your life, you worry that theres a chance it will go completely wrong or that maybe it isn't the right decision and your actually going about life the totally wrong way?. *Im crap at life alert!* You so badly want things to get better so you go over and over in your head with what route to endure first, but worry that going down one path neglects the others and then your brain just becomes this massive pile of tangled up spaghetti thoughts by trying to sort out everything before they've even begun, and this results you to just freeze due to the overload which then accomplishes nothing and so around you go from the beginning in the endless, powerful, relentless storm of ‘trying to predict the future’ stress. Or is that just me... =/ It feels like I personally try to search for happiness but have no idea what form it comes in, so I make this list in my head and tell myself to try each one of them in hope to ‘find my happy’, but have no idea which area to try first... What is being happy anyway?. This list then becomes over bearing and dominates my thoughts daily. And then theres the other smaller attempts to ‘find your happy’... “Maybe eating my body weight in crap will make me happy?, maybe having loads of random sex, maybe having no sex at all?, maybe If I go on Facebook 24/ 7?, maybe this?, maybe that”? and nothing ever aids it!. Its like a plant that always needs to be watered, yet its always thirsty. Now obviously, having options is a good thing, but sometimes it feels like the more options you have, the more complex things become. There are so many wonderful opportunities as well as pressure to get the most from life that it almost feels as if we are failing ourselves if we do not accomplish each and every one of them, its like your just sat down watching TV and then the thought... “WAIT! IM NOT CONQUERING THE WORLD! MUST NOT ALLOW MYSELF TO WATCH TV OR EVER SIT STILL! - TOO MANY THINGS TO DO” so where the hell do you start?. And more options means more money is needed. The more money needed the more time to save up is needed. *inner thoughts* - But your in your thirties now and you don't have enough time! you still don't have a car or a this or a that bla bla bla unhelpful twatty thoughts* Money seems to be the problem yet the solution at the same time. So much confusion. I was completely consumed by these kinds of thoughts after I graduated (the good old end of uni crisis!). I left uni on a tearful high - I had just experienced the most powerful, beneficial and educational experience of my whole life and it felt incredible. I had met some people that will remain in my heart for the rest of my life, I had been daring, scared, proud and turned into best version of me. Knowing I had to end this chapter, a chapter that would be extremely hard to beat was the hardest, scariest and saddest thing. I was ending the best part of my life to move onto.... an empty door way. I also had a lot of emotional issues that came with the end of uni that made it harder for me to go back to that kind of life. My dad was terminally ill and returning home meant I (selfishly) had to face seeing my dad deteriorate in front of my eyes daily. I could no longer live in denial or be distracted by the boys, sex, friends and fun I was having.

I also had huge issues with my hometown. My hometown is a place where nothing ever happens, there is lack of culture, opportunity and openness, I generally felt the true me had the be kept under wraps when there. Lets say, the black sheep of the whole town?. Uni had turned me into a butterfly, returning home meant I would go back into my cocoon. Cocooned I did. And cocooned I still am. But... This isn't just me. I text my nearest and dearest with these thoughts today and each and every one of them (that bothered to reply =p) had basically said they had or are currently feeling like this. It is not more common in one sex over the other, nor do I believe it to be a thing of age. These feelings, this uncertainness, this dark place to be, is among us all at some point. Its ok and its normal to be completely lost. And we are together in this. I keep telling myself that not everyone has their shit together, regardless of what Social media may say. Not everything is as it seems. Not everyone who is married is happy, not everyone working in my dream job thinks its as great as I imagine?. No one is ALWAYS happy and you are not ALWAYS miserable Jay! (even though you are such an exhausting person to be hahah!). Maybe having constant fits about what to do with your life will make you try something, anything, and maybe from trying, something will eventually happen? (even if it means fucking up several times before finding your feet?). I hope one day I can look back and say ‘It somehow worked out’, I hope one day I fall in love so hard and meet a man that is everything and more (and that my friends can say - ah you got your lumberjack ;P). I hope one day I see the most wondrous things of the world and cry at the sight of it, I hope I can say I did everything I was ever scared of and it gave me an armour that is not to be messed with. That I went out and made my life filled with adventures, fear, accomplishment and bravery, even though I shat myself all the time, I faced up to it and I achieved - with all the struggles that came with it. That the struggles created the success. I don't really have the answer for it as Im still in it myself, but lets keep shitting ourselves, keep guessing, keep being confused as its the rockets up our asses. And most importantly - One. Thing. At. A. Time. What is lost must be found, well I hope so anyway. To the people that keep wanting more - So much love to you. Be back soon. Jay Monster.

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5hfanfiction · 7 years

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FROM AFAR - CHAPTER 17

Camila (5:03 am): my grandma is gone

Lauren (8:00 am): oh my god

Lauren (8:01 am): i cannot believe it :(

Lauren (8:01 am): where are you?

Lauren (8:02 am): i just woke up i’m sorry i didn’t see your text earlier! :(

Lauren (8:02 am): are you in your room? can i come by?

Lauren (8:13 am): Camila where are you?

Lauren (8:13 am): are you here? i’m outside your door

It was almost five in the morning when my phone rang. I had been so tired those days, emotionally exhausted, that it was starting to affect me physically. Headaches were constant during the day and It was a sacrifice to get up every morning and try to live and do what I had to do. When I woke up in the middle of the night with the ring of my phone, I didn’t even think twice before rejecting the call. Right, I wasn’t even fully awake yet. Then it rang again and this time I pressed the green button to a call that would change my life forever. It was an expected call though. I saw the number and for a fraction of a second I knew it was from home, I didn’t recognize the number so I didn’t think much of it, mostly I didn’t have time to.

It was one of my cousins. I told him that it was five in the morning and that I had just woken up and asked what was happening. Then he told me what was happening. And I cried. I told him to take care of my mom because I knew she was gonna lose her shit and I wasn’t there to help her get through it, and she wasn’t here to help me get through it, I thought to myself. I told him to take care of our little cousins because our family was very close and they were really young, and that I would be fine. God, she was loved by everyone she met, and she still is, from the youngest to the oldest. And I cried more. We hang up.

I cried and almost choked up in my tears, trying to be as quiet as I could to not wake my roommate up. I texted Lauren because I needed her but I knew she wouldn’t see it until the later. Then my mom put something on our family group chat about having faith and that everything was gonna be fine. She didn’t know, and nobody said anything anymore. I texted my dad who was working in another state, telling him that she was gone, and if he could come home to help my mom and my family. I told him that I was gonna be fine. And I cried more until my eyes were burning and I couldn’t breath. I cried in silence and I remembered every moment of my life where my grandmother was present. The last time I saw her, the call on the airport, the skype session I had on my birthday and a random one with my cousin that lived with her, where she told me that her knees were killing her and that she was tired. When she danced one time holding my dog in her arms like it was her dance partner. I thought about the girls, of how much I wish they could meet her, I already had everything planned in the back of my mind when they came to visit me once we were back home, they would love her. I remembered that I would never taste her food anymore and I would never get to hug her. Because between me and you, we had the best hugs one could have. Then I remembered that this was my nightmare, except I was awake and it was a living hell. I cried and cried and suffocated until I had no energy left and no option but to succumb to my sleep.

A few hours later my phone was ringing again. I pressed the receive button to Lauren’s voice.

“Camila, where are you, I’m outside your door.”

“Hey,” I barely had a voice. My eyes were burning and barely open and I had never felt so tired and lost in my life. “I’m inside the room.”

“Come open the do-.” I didn’t let her finish and just pressed the red button on the screen. I wasn’t fully awake and to be honest, I was so distraught that I couldn’t even think straight, I didn’t know what Lauren was talking about and I couldn’t hear her well, but somehow I was calmer now. I opened the door and there she was. The look on Lauren’s face was a pitiful one. I can’t imagine how bad I was looking when she saw me there.

“Hey baby, I’m so sorry! How are you feeling? Do you wanna stay in my room?”

Not even a word came out of my mouth, It was useless anyway. I just nodded and went back inside to grab my keys and my phone. We walked the short distance to her room with Lauren side-hugging me the whole way there. I just remember laying on Lauren’s bed, my eyes were so tired that no tear dared come out of them so I just stayed there, blankly staring at the wall. Lauren stayed with me the whole time, I had forgotten about the fucking meeting with Lori that morning, but I guess she told the others to inform her about what was happening - not that she would care or do anything about it- and that she would skip it to keep me company. I don’t even remember saying anything. Tears were back now, slowly cascading through the sides of my face. Later, when the girl’s classes were over by lunch time, they came over to check on me. I knew I could count on any of them, but it was just that Lauren and I were closer. Dinah caressed my head and Ally hugged me so tight for so long and I could almost taste the empathy.

“Mila, you should try to eat something, how about we go to the dining hall and grab a bite to eat and see people, it’s gonna make you feel better.” Dinah said, voice low and quiet.

“I’m not hungry.”

“We know, Mila, but it’s gonna make you feel better. It’ll help with your headache too.”

And then I said yes. We went there and I ate like a robot. We came back and my mom texted me. I told her that I was fine and the girls were looking after me, and I didn’t want her to be alone either.

I slept for the big part of the afternoon, not even caring if I had classes or not, but later that day I had to go back to my room and grieve by myself, because Lauren had classes she couldn’t miss and I didn’t wanna be a baby that needed a babysitter 24/7. Sooner or later I would have to deal with things alone, I was already, inside my head, but Lauren and the girls wouldn’t be there forever, nobody would.

Lauren (5:50 pm): Baby, i’m going to the gym for a little bit but if you need anything you can call me, okay? one hour and i’ll be back, stay with Ally, okay?

Lauren (5:50 pm): shit i said okay twice hahah

Camila (5:51 pm): is she in your room?

Lauren (5:51 pm): no camz, i think she’s in hers

Camila (5:52 pm): oh okay

Camila (5:52 pm): i’m okay

Camila (5:52 pm): let me know when you get back

Later on that night, like always and now more than ever, Lauren stayed with me. She was being so affectionate because she knew it would help me, and maybe she could feel my pain. Not that this was a bad thing, it was excellent because I didn’t know how to get better and I didn’t know what would happen if they weren’t there with me, if she wasn’t there with me.

Lauren (9:44 am): Camz, are you well enough to go to class?

Camila (9:46 am): yes

Camila (9:47 am): i’m just afraid to have a crises in the middle of the lection

Camila (9:47 am): but i’ll try to keep it together

Camila (9:47 am): it’s gonna be fine

Lauren (9:51 am): everything’s gonna be fine, try to stay calm, i know we can’t control it

Lauren (9:51 am): but if you need anything or if you can’t stand being there tell me

Lauren (9:51 am): and i’ll come to meet you

Camila (9:53 am): ok

Camila (9:54 am): <3<3<3

Lauren (9:54 am): <3

Lauren (6:24 pm): come here

I managed to keep my shit together since it has only been one day, but Lauren was doing the possible and impossible to cheer me up. Telling me stupid jokes that would perhaps make me laugh in normal circumstances. Finding different movies for us to watch or whatever, asking me what I wanted to do. But I didn’t feel like watching anything, doing anything. I was probably being a pain in Lauren’s ass but she was still smiling and running her hand through my hair while I cried and moped around. The agony that I was feeling all those days was replaced by emptiness and solitude.

I was feeling much better the next day, better than I thought I would actually. And I had to because I needed to study. Precisely on that day Pam decided to bring people over, people that saw I was studying and kept screaming and talking shit as if that was not my room and like I wasn’t doing anything that requires silence.

Lauren (5:23 pm): Camz, if they don’t leave and you want to study here you can, i’ll do my homework but i can stay in the bed and you can take the desk, i’m not feeling too good to stay alone anyway so you can stay here. But if you think it’s best to just stay there that’s fine too

Camila (5:27 pm): what happened?

Lauren (5:33 pm): uh, i don’t know, i’m just sad

Lauren (5:33 pm): and when i stay by myself it gets worse

Lauren (5:33 pm): but it’s okay

Camila (5:36 pm): i see

Camila (5:36 pm): i’m gonna take a shower and then i’ll go

Camila (5:36 pm): at least you’re going to feel better

Lauren (5:36 pm): You can keep studying Camz

Lauren (5:36 pm): really

Camila (5:36 pm): but i can study there lol

Camila (5:36 pm): no problem

Lauren (5:36 pm): okay then

Camila (5:36 pm): everyone gets happy

Lauren (5:36 pm): haha okay :D

It was incredible how Lauren could lift up my mood without doing much. We were both going through heavy stuff at the time and we couldn’t do much besides lean on each other to feel better. A few hours later, when I was already in Lauren’s room, Ally showed up to enjoy out company and asked me if she could sleep in my room for the night because her roommate’s boyfriend would be sleeping there and they needed the room. I didn’t care if she would sleep with me in my bed or not, but she insisted in just bringing in her mattress since her room was just in front of mine and it wouldn’t require a lot of work to do that. I knew my shit ass roommate wouldn’t mind either, but still I had the decency of warning her beforehand, something I’m sure she wouldn’t do if it was the contrary.

There’s a funny thing about me though. I’ve always thought I have an ability to read people just by their body language and expressions, I take pride in being a good observer and having a good intuition, but the problem is, at the same time I like to think I have this kind of superpower, I’m never sure of anything. And in the moment those words left Ally’s mouth, I felt Lauren tensing up beside me and a change in her demeanor. She had asked me to stay there because she didn’t want to be alone, and now me and Ally would sleep in the same room and she would be left alone again. But like I said, I’m never sure of anything, and Lauren would never admit it or show it more clearly so I had to shrug it off because there was nothing I could do about it.

What started as a terrible night of study and shitty people annoying me, turned out to be really fun and really unexpected. Us three started to listen to music and singing to love songs and it didn’t even seem I was mourning someone. But to add to that, Lauren was seemingly super affectionate with me, laying her head on my lap while I sang, staying close to me when she didn’t have to. There was this one moment when she closed her eyes and I couldn’t help but trace her eyebrows with my fingers in an innocent way. That’s when I had an idea that would make everyone happy.

“You know what, instead of Ally sleeping there, we could all sleep together today, what do you guys think?”

“Sure,” Ally shrugged it off.

“Yeah, that’s a great idea,” Lauren said. And she was happy with that, there was no room for that to be taken the wrong way, that was definitely what she wanted and I would even dare to say that if Ally wasn’t there, she would ask me to stay for the night or something.

We stayed like that for a good amount of time, until the was no more songs to sing and nothing to do. We then proceeded to my room, where Ally’s mattress was already placed in its right spot on the floor. Lauren took her things to my bed and while I gathered my toothbrush to head to the bathroom, I couldn’t help but noticed how Lauren was seemingly more cheerful and joking around, and how she took my pillow and placed next to hers in a quick move. And how eager she was for me to go to bed already. That didn’t go unnoticed at all.

I did what I had to do in the bathroom and came back to the room. Ally was already tucked in playing with her phone and Lauren was in my bed. I turned off the lights and made my way to my spot next to her. The mood was different, and I mean it like different from the previous days. Different from what it was supposed to be when we settled with just being friends and not get too close. I had in mind that those were atypical days, like Lauren had said before, but it was probably more than that now. Lauren was showing all those signals again, the ones that confused the shit out of me before. It was like I was never sure of anything when it came to her, all of Lauren’s actions were confusing as fuck.

The placement of the pillow, the affection, the closeness, the way she reacted both when she found out that Ally would sleep next to me and when I gave the idea of all of us sleeping together.

In the dark, with Lauren laying by my side, the urge to kiss her was back again and I had to find the courage somewhere within me because Lauren was doing all that stuff again, and I was lonely and I needed her. It took too long because the fact that we were probably about to kiss with Ally just beside me was scaring. She knew about us already, but I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable by any means, even though I knew something would probably happen whether I liked it or not.

I turned my body towards Lauren and alternated my gaze between her lips and her eyes, even though it was too dark to notice any detail. The tension was undeniably there. Lauren began to scratch her nails through my arm while I slowly tried to get closer to her, not wanting to scare her with my movements, like, really slow. On top of it all, I was genuinely scared of doing something she didn’t want to, I was scared of ruining our friendship for good, of undoing all the progress we’d done, insecure about what Lauren was doing, if I was seeing it right. And Ally was still awake and would probably hear us. Everything was scaring. But when I got really close to her, ready to make the final move, Lauren tilted her head slightly to the side and ran her hand through her hair, and in a fraction of a second I turned the other way in a reflex. In my mind, Lauren was dodging my kiss and I was probably taking all the signs the wrong way. It was all so fast, so confusing and so frustrating, and I felt so embarrassed for doing all of that to be rejected in the end.

I let out an annoyed sigh and grabbed my phone to play candy crush. Minutes after that, Lauren put her pillow on the opposite side of the bed. It was awful, what I felt in that moment. I lost a good amount of sleep, and she was moving around in the bed for a long time too. Now I would have to deal with everything again, the weirdness and the space between us, when I still needed her present in my life. But hey, at least Ally wouldn’t be put in an awkward position.

#UPDATE #series #AU #slash #camren #camally #angst drama #family #humour #romance fluff #submission #FROM AFAR

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lesbianekubo · 6 years

Note

multiples of 5?

5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently?

hahah no… lots of the people I like I just admire from afar or shy away from ; _ ;

10. What is the last beverage you had?

plain iced green tea from starbucks !

15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed?

no ):

20. Are you starting to realize anything?

I feel like I’m starting to realize that the person I want to be is both unrealistic and achievable. it makes it hard because I’m almost afraid to be the person I’m becoming because all of my interests are really conflicting. but lately I’ve been learning to love every part of me whether its interested in one thing or the opposite and I’m learning to embrace myself as the days go on

25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy?

honestly I wouldnt say anything, I would probably just wallow/be sad myself but I cant say anything to them because I feel like A) thatd be a dick move and B) I want to see them be happy

30. Does everyone deserve a second chance?

oh fuck no. I’m the kind of person to give the second chance but when it becomes multiples it really starts to irk me. It makes me feel like my chances arent valued or that said person cant try harder or make up for it. plus, second chances come with proper apologies and resolves

35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore?

no. I dont like the way it smudges. typically back in hs i wrote with mechanical but since then I havent felt the need to. plus I’m the idiot type that doesnt erase shit because it ruins things somehow. so I’ll scratch it out or cross it out instead

40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed?

the short answer is that I was in love at the time I suppose, but at the time I also felt like i had to. It was coming to the close of our relationship and I think that the last time we did, I could sense it a little bit. I wish it had been something nicer to remember than the emptiness it felt like

45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss?

in exchange for remembering another one, yes, but otherwise no.. I dont regret a moment of it to be honest

50. Ever used a bow and arrow?

yep! twice. Loved it too! I want to get into archery ; v;

55. Favorite type of fruit pie?

oh my god pumpkin. does pumpkin count i am a SLUT for pumpkin pie

60. Wear slippers?

usually im barefoot! but on occasion, yes!! I have this cute lil pair of slippers with faux fur on the inside ; v ;

65. Nike or Adidas?

Sports!

70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?

weird question. I imagine that I would have to be with an artist of some sort. I feel like creative people click better together. I wouldnt mind a poet either.

75. Do you study better with or without music?

with.. I often get distracted so I need background noise : (

80. Hot tea or cold tea?

I hate this question because I personally like both, but cold tea is my go to!

85. Are you patient?

LMAO NO hahah I have zero patience I’m always rushing things

90. Opinions on sex before marriage?

oh who cares. everyone should do what they want as long as theyre being safe. if you wanna, do it. if you dont wanna, you dont gotta. I think that choosing people carefully is wise but its not a requirement, and no document should be necessary if its really what you want to do

#thank you for asking nick :o!!!!!!! these were fun to answer #I like it when I get questions in my inbox hehehe :#) !!!#feycreature #thank you tumblr for fucking my post up i had to go edit it LOL

0 notes

mo0ments-mending-mem0ories · 6 years

Note

1-100 go

ARE YOU SERIOUS MANNNNNN

U KNOW WHAT I’LL FUCKING DO IT

1) last night to my mom

2) GUESS FROM WHO?? my mom

3) memes from a friendd

4) the ngbh: WIPED OUT!

5) I don’t remember mannn, a couple of hours ago

6) not even once 😅

7) nope

8) yesss, but a long time ago

9) yeap

10) I still am

11) I’ve been drunk twice at my home, ALONE, but I didn’t threw up though I felt like to

12) no

13) 12345678 billion

14)

15) yeap 😊

16)

17) yeap , at my own jokes 🤣

18) yeashh, we don’t talk anymore though

19) nope, but I found out who mah true friends weren’t

20) yes, but I wasn’t socked , I somehow already knew it

21-25)

26) invited some girls to mah house , we had some pizza and stuff and we watched a movie ( the movie was terrible though, I didn’t chose it , DON’T BLAME ME) …….lame I know

27) I woke up at 8:00 am to study, but I couldn’t help myself and I slept again until 11:00 am

28)

29) I CANNOT WAIT TO DIE

30) 10 minutes ago

31) everything I guess

32) Imagine dragons- Rise

33) TOMORROW 🤣 DUDEE I’ve already answered that

34) everyone

35) ummmmmm I’m not sure, kissanime I guess ( what were u waiting for😜)

36) It used to be green , then purple , then blue , then grey , then BLACK , but I honestly like all colors , can’t choose mannn

37) WELL, “ Λεμονάδα” και “ ανάπηρη” ( translated to “Lemonade” and “disable’’)

38) single since foreveeerr😅 (not really I’m in love with pizza)

39) sagittarius

40) can’t u seeeeee??? I’M MALEEE ( hey I’m kiddin’ I’m female dudee)

41) at a lot of places 😅 srly I changed like 3 or more primary schools

42) yeap

43) Today was my last day there 😅 ( I didn’t go though, I was sleeping)

44) BROWWWNN

45)

46) with shoes I’m like 168cm but without I’m 166cm

47) yesssssss 😃 🔫

48) good question,uuuuuummm I guess it’s that I’m crazy and stupid most of the times ( in a good way)

49) I have on my ears but I’ll do MOREEEEE

50) nope, but I want one for a start

51) RIghtyyyy ( but I want to be leftyyy too so sometimes I am trying to write down stuff with my left hand lmao)

52)

53) on my ears

54) it was two at the same time , but we are not friends anymore

55) never

56) answered

57-58)

59)NOOO ( how is that happening?!! 😱🤯)

60) noo

61) to do nothiiingggg 😅 ( just kiddin’ I’ll try to study)

62) answered

63) I’m not even sure what I’m waiting for in general 😅

64) are you trying to scare mee??😰 maybe ask that question again in 20 years or more

65) I don’t rly want to , but you never knowww

66) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHH. i don’t know

67) aghhhh fuckin’ difficult one, but I guess I’ll choose eyes

68) BOTH , BOTH , BOTH , I CAN’T FUCKING CHOOSE AGGHHH

69) mmmmh, taller ( but u never know again)

70) Older ( but you never know again 😅)

71) hmm I’ll choose spotaneous ( doesn’t mean I don’t like romantic)

72) U NEVER KNOW DUDE , but I think nice stomach , but I don’t really care that much

73) ugghh both coz not too sensitive and not too loud

74) depends

75)

76) no , but I don’t know why, I really want to hah😅

77) no man

78) yess , my glasses are lost rn because I donn’t wear them and I don’t remember where they are 😅

79) answered -_-

80) yes

81)

82) nooo ( my father was a police officer hahah)

83) yeeeess a lot of times

84) yes

85) no

86) not that much but somehow yes

87) not anymore

88) yes

89) ummm don’t know

90) no 😅

91) yes, why not??

92) ummmm don’t know

93) look at the title of my blog 😅

94) I used to , but now I pray about no one and nothing

95) yeahh , like everyday lol

96) hey dude , I DONT HAVE ANY EXES SORRY

97) back in the day my mom met my dad , I wouldn’t let that happen

98) the answer was going to be “ to dieee” but I really wish more to be happy instead

99) YEEES

100) no

FUCK YOU

( not really I love ya)

0 notes

kashyyyyk · 6 years

Text

i was tagged by @gotlembas & @the-roci :)

rules: answer these 85 statements about yourself, then tag 20 people

last;

1. drink - drinking goji/acai tea right now :) 2. phone call - my mom i guess 3. text message - my friend Cecile 4. song you listened to - Wardruna - Odal 5. time you cried - can’t really remember, i guess last weekend? 6. dated someone twice? - yeah 7. kissed someone and regretted it - yes absolutely :’) 8. been cheated on - not technically cause it was an open relationship, but it sure felt that way 9. lost someone special - yeah 10. been depressed - :)))) only for the past 10 years of my life 11. gotten drunk and thrown up - nope

fave colours;

12. blue 13. teal 14. green

in the last year have you…

15. made new friends - yes actually 16. fallen out of love - yeah 17. laughed until you cried - haha always 18. found out someone was talking about you - i don’t think so 19. met someone who changed you - nope 20. found out who your friends are - not really 21. kissed someone on your facebook friends list - nein

general;

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl - i guess about 95% of them 23. do you have any pets - unfortunately not :( 24. do you want to change your name - yeah 25. what did you do for your last birthday - nothing much :’) 26. what time did you wake up today - i slept in till 11am :D 27. what were you doing at midnight last night - sleeping af 28. what is something you cant wait for - my trip to Gran Canaria in March, and summer! 30. what are you listening to right now - Ivar Bjørnson & Einar Selvik’s Skuggsjá - Skuggsjá 31. have you ever talked to a person named tom - this is so fucking random :’) i knew a few Toms as a kid, but not anymore 32. something thats getting on your nerves - this guy i’ve been meeting up with a couple times now.. and the fact that i want to tell him i’m not interested in a relationship (not even sure if he is tho?) but i don’t know how 33. most visited website - tumblr, wikipedia, imdb 34. hair colour - brown 35. long or short hair - shoulder lenght 36. do you have a crush on someone - not at the moment 37. what do you like about yourself - the colour of my eyes 38. want any piercings? - not really 39. blood type - O+ 40. nicknames - Coa, Coral 41. relationship status - single 42. zodiac - Cancer 43. pronouns - she/her 44. fave tv shows - Black Sails, Breaking Bad, Outlander, Marco Polo, The Expanse, Sense8, Vikings, Animal Kingdom, Sons of Anarchy, Lost, Merlin, Stargate, Farscape, Firefly, Game of Thrones, Strike Back, Westworld, Spartacus, The Last Kingdom, Rome, Narcos, Battlestar Galactica, ... 45. tattoos - aegishjälmur on my back, and i really want my wrists done asap, i just can’t find the nerve somehow 46. right or left handed - right 47. ever had surgery - an eardrum thing when i was a kid, and my wisdom teeth removed 48. piercings - none 49. sport - i used to play football (soccer) as a kid and i still like it, though don’t play anymore. in fact i'm in phenominally bad condiction physically :’))) 50. vacation - Australia, New Zealand, South Pacific, Hawaii, South-west USA, Canada, Scandinavia, Scotland, Spain, Canary Islands, any tropical island in general 51. trainers - do they mean sneakers? i wear Converse, also have navy blue Adidas Superstars

more general;

52. eating - i’m about to make soup. i love soup 53. drinking - i guess soup’s also a drink yes :) 54. i’m about to watch - The Last Kingdom 2x03, then rewatch Conan the Barbarian (the Momoa one) 55. waiting for - nothing in particular 56. want - this headache i’m having to go away 57. get married - don’t really believe in marriage 58. career - :’))) not that important to me. unless if i could ever have a writing career that would be nice hahah

which is better;

59. hugs or kisses - obviously both 60. lips or eyes - eyes ♥ 61. shorter or taller - tall yo 62. older or younger - either is ok, older’s preferable though i guess 63. nice arms or stomach - both but mostly arms ♥ tho 64. hookup or relationship - depends 65. troublemaker or hesitant - lmao neither tbh, just someone normal for once

have you ever;

66. kissed a stranger - when i was younger 67. drank hard liquor - is there any other kind :’))) (i’m not drinking in 2018 tho, i made a resolution lol) 68. lost glasses - don’t wear any 69. turned someone down - ugh yeah :( and i should know how to do this by now 70. sex on first date - yeah 71. broken someones heart - i may have :( 72. had your heart broken - yes many times 73. been arrested - lol no 74. cried when someone died - ?? obviously 75. fallen for a friend - lol yeah

do you believe in;

76. yourself - rarely 77. miracles - not in the Christian sense or anything 78. love at first sight - yeah, i’m one of those people 79. santa claus - pls 80. kiss on a first date - yeah if the occasion calls for it 81. angels - no

other;

82. best friend’s name - Cecile or Sara, they’re both my best friend 83. eye colour - greenish brown 84. fave movie - LotR trilogy, slight preference for TTT but i can’t really choose one of the 3 85. fave actor - Jason Momoa, Chris Hemsworth, Henry Cavill, Ewan McGregor, Oscar Isaac

#//tagged #//answered #//personal #gotlembas #the-roci

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bleu-eyed-parsnips · 7 years

Text

How it came to an end

I regret the decision I made to pretty much become his side-chick. I’m not gonna sugar coat it. He was dating this girl, and as we got closer, he’d confide in how much he hated her and was going to break up with her. Well, on Valentine’s day of 2013, he told me that he moved out and was single. He showed me proof of his new apartment and I was ecstatic. I loved him, and I will still never forget his kindness to me. It sounds cheesy, but he saved my life. I was being abused at home, and he found one of the bruises I was hiding and right away reported it and I could finally leave that house.

Our relationship kept going on until around May of 2014. 2014 was the worst year of my life. I was diagnosed with PTSD and had to be hospitalized various times. I also got colon cancer. I was scared to tell him, but as I started missing school a lot, I felt the compulsion to let him know. One day after school, I went to his room, sat down, and told him I wanted to talk. I told him I loved him for the first time, and explained my situation. He looked upset and looked down for a bit. It was quiet for a while, when he grabbed my chin lightly, kissed me, and told me, “Sweetie, you’ve become useless to me.” I was shocked and sat there with what probably was a stupid look on my face. I asked what he meant and he said, “Melody, how do you expect me to take this? After all, I’m just your teacher.” I yelled that he told me he loved me long before, and he started grabbing his jacket and hat and turned off the light. He told me that he had to go start baseball practice (he was the coach), and asked, “Do you wanna come watch?” I declined and started crying. I sat in his classroom for like 10 minutes after he left and I got my stuff from his desk drawers and walked to art room. I cried more in there, until 2:50 bc I knew my dad would there to pick me up soon.

That was a Friday. The next Monday, I dreaded school and felt this weird pit in my stomach. I ignored him, and went different ways to avoid his classroom. In June, Creature saw Stilettos with Parsnips at the movies. Creature and I used to gossip about the teachers and joke with them after school. Anyway- my heart sank, and we weren’t sure they were dating.

Somehow, Parsnips and I started talking again, but how we used to talk in the beginning (sharing music and news). He never mentioned “anything”. I kept grading his papers bc I was still in love with him. I only wanted to make him happy. I took his AP class for my senior year (ONLY SINCE HE SIGNED ME UP AND WANTED ME THERE) I did it, and in January of 2015, he announced his engagement to Stilettos. I congratulated him, I beat cancer, and tried to move on. I only acted on my feelings in my mind. My friend was in yearbook and a couple of times she asked me to help take pictures. I agreed not knowing we were going on the bus to a baseball game. Parsnips wanted to sit next to me so I was confused but whatever- it’s just a memory.

For our prom, he and Stilettos didn’t show up. They went to some other event and I don’t know why I was crushed. At graduation, he barely talked to me. Only before we were going to go line up and go on stage, he kissed my cheek and said, “This is the best for both of us. I love you.” I almost screamed but hey. I got on stage and sat in more confusion.

At the end, I got photos with pretty much every teacher except him. I couldn’t find him anywhere and I wanted to talk, but that was the last I saw of him.

until College... hahah

#tc #tc community #teacher crush #teacher crush community #tcc

0 notes

365daysof2017 · 7 years

Text

50/365

Dear tumblr,

I’m gonna start off my posts like this. Hi it’s me. Ash. I’m back. Sorry I didn’t post much last January but you know me, I get lazy, and I procrastinate. I’m just gonna continue where I left off with my previous blog, 366daysof2016, though, I still can’t process that it’s already 2017.

So how am I? Great. Honestly, not. Life is really really really complicated. It’s probably really simple, just me making things complicated, I don’t know.

I actually have been worse. I thought I’ve already moved on from David. You see, I told myself that I already need to forget him and all, and I actually did. I met some guys on kik, some lasted on my chatbox, and some didn’t, but everything seemed okay. Everything seemed okay. Then for some reasons, I started cutting my wrist. I have plans to do it again sometime but, I can still hold it.

Okay back to the “David” topic. Everything keeps coming back and it was really hard for me cause I don’t have any space in my mind to think about him. I’m already thinking about a shit ton of crap in my head, and I don’t want to think about him anymore. I thought I already forgot about him. But everything keeps coming back.

So this one day, last Saturday, we went to an Amusement Park. Nothing connected to him at all. I had so much fun! I got home at around 11PM. Then I had a fucking dream.

It’s the worst type of dream, cause I was lucid. I’m always lucid when I dream about him, so it makes it even harder. In my dreame, he went to the Phillipines, he apologized. He did everything. I already kinda forgot, but one thing I remember is that it was fun. I had fun. I was happy.

The morning after, I realized how important he was to me, god I was thinking about him the whole fucking day! How I was so happy with him, how he made me feel special... The whole fucking day.

At around 10PM, I was on kik, just randomly flirting with strangers online. I did something impulsive. I messaged him.

me: dude me: I fucking hate you so much me: I wasn’t done with you yet and you fucking blocked me. So here’s the time where I was supposed to reply another message cause I was gonna flood him with hate messages, but he fucking replied. Instantly. I didn’t expect that. He never replies fast.

David: Ok. me: You fucking left me hanging David: Yea David: I suppose so me: You even called the night before you blocked me! me: what me: that’s it David: I’m sorry me: no explanation or anything David: I dont know what to say me: right me: just fucking say something please

Oh god I was so annoyed and so pissed and so nervous I felt everything at once. He didn’t even say anything. I wanted to hear something from him. I wanted an explanation. That was the only thing I needed to move on and yet he couldn’t give it to me.

David: I just David: Idk I got caught up with the army David: And I was afraid I’d hurt you David: So I ran from the situation David: Which still hurt you but atleast left room for hate me: and went to her instead me: yup

Ohhh shit put an ice to that burn, bitch.

David: Lol I’m not dating anyone so don’t try that

Uhm excuse me? Don’t you think I know anything you’ve been up to? Man I know everything. I have eyes everywhere. Everywhere. It’s kinda creepy, tbh.

me: lmaooooo me: songia??? David: Go look at my stuff David: Not dating anyone David: In fact we broke up and I slept with someone else and now we don’t talk at all First thing that came up to my mind: He’s not a virgin anymore. LMAOO.

David: So that’s that sticky situation I wasted 2 years on

Ha. Sticky. Cause you slept with someone? LMAO OKAY. me: right me: fuck me: its been months me: and its still you me: fuck you okay David: What do you mean me

Dumb-fucking-ass?? Are you that ignorant? or are you just dumb???

me: I hate you so much me: you’re still the one I remember David: Okay I expect that me: I keep having dreams

(lmao why did I say that?)

David: I’m sorry David: I dont know what to say or do me: and its fucking annoying me: its so hard to forget you me: I keep getting these dreams me: and it just made me remember you even more David: Sorry David: I don’t know what to say

ikr, it’s not like it’s your fault I get the dreams??

me: why did you just block me though me: why didn’t you atleast say something David: Trying to run again David: Realized it’s not the right thing to do David: I don’t have anything to say David: You’re right I shouldn’t have left you hanging David: It was wrong of me David: I thought about it too David: I felt bad David: But I couldn’t face it me: fuck you for leaving me when I already fell for you. me: you even said you’re gonna go here me: ugh David: Fuck me David: Okay I get it David: You hate me David: I’m shit David: Leave me alone if that’s all you want to say

Seriously dude, do you really not sense my purpose here? I want you back.

me: I just wanted an explanation lol me: and I didn’t want you to leave me: those were the words you said and I can’t believe I’m saying it me: I don’t want you to leave me alone

So that’s it that’s the serious part. The next part of our conversation wasn’t as long as this one but we were just bantering around. I don’t think he’s as comfortable with me as he was before but I feel like there’s still something.

I just feel so confused about my feelings for him, confused about what we are, confused about what he feels for me. Last Friday, he sent me a message, and I was in school

9:51 AM David: Hey David: You busy?

So I read it during my lunch time cause we were doing something

11:39 AM me: I’m in school

1:42 PM David: Call me after

2:32 PM me: I can’t I have like 100MB left

9:43 PM David: Ughh David: Noooo David: When do you get more David: You are legit so cute David: In your picture David: And your body looks good lol David: JUST SAYING.

I wasn’t able to reply cause I was watching this Selena Gomez film, Monte Carlo. It was really nice btw, I loved it.

11:00 PM me: LMAOOO me: I’m home now it’s like 11 David: What lol. David: I know, I know David: Why you laugh. me: idk me: whats up David: Laying in bed being lazy David: Hbu Piper

Fuck. Right in the feels. So much nostalgia. Piper’s the daughter of Aphrodite in the series that we love, he used to call me Piper, and I told him if I’m Piper then he’s the Jason to my Piper. (Jason’s the love interest of Piper in the books)

me: I just finished watching a movie me: and it was greatttt I loved it David: What movie? David: *sends a cute selfie* David: Lol look @ me

okay so I totally forgot that he asked a question cause a cute fucking selfie just popped in my screen.

me: you look different David: Do I? David: How so?? David: Bad huh David: Thanks I’m ugly ik me: yeah idk me: you look happy me: no wdym ugly David: I am ugly David: You making fun of me lol David: Thanks me: wtf you’re not ugly shut up me: what time is it there me: and where are you David: I’m in kentucky US David: And it is 0912 there!

Idk that’s probably how they read time in the army

David: Girl you’re obsessed David: Lmao jkjk me: ruuude David: No me: Kentucky though me: KFC David: I like you dw

okay... fuck... that was sudden. I mean, good job! That’s a great way to make me even more confused about what’s happening here!

me: ha David: Yes lmao! David: It’s not that good David: I figured it would be the best here David: But it’s the same as everywhere else me: really? me: that’s sad David: It’s nothing special David: Send me a selfie? me: I dont have a selfie me: jk David: Send me one David: Now David: I order you me: dude me: chill David: Lol nope I wanna seee youuuu me: I’m still looking for something decent David: Send them all David: Right meow me: *sends a selfie* me: tada me: I like that one lmao me: hoe filter me: I got more pimples me: smhhhh me: *sends another selfie* me: and one time my hair became like this hahah David: Fucking cute David: Is that overalls lol me: yes hahah

Then he left me on read. But because I’m a creepy-ass stalker that knows his facebook account, I saw his post that he shared. The post said, “I like clingy. I’d rather have someone who blows up my phone and shows they care than someone who texts back 12 hours later” So I messaged him this morning. I didn’t care if I double texted.

me: dude me: when are you free David: Not tonight, I don’t think me: aw but when David: Idk I’m with jocelyn rn

Who’s Jocelyn???

me: ohh okay me: tell me when you’re available David: Okay

So that was it. I notice that I keep on using the word ‘dude’. Idk what to call him?? Maybe I’ll refer to him as Jason soon. Back to his facebook though, he also shared a post that said, “I blocked my ex on everything but she somehow managed to message me through direct tv *a pic of that*”.. Well.. Was that me? Lol. I dont know!! Someone commented though, “Man, if she goes through that much trouble to try to talk to you I would have to give her a second chance haha” then he replied, “that’s true hahah” UGH ITS JUST SO CONFUSING. So that’s all I have to say about him.

Now I’m here typing this blog. I don’t know, I just wanna talk to him, on the phone. Maybe that’d clear things up, but for now, I never think about our future. I don’t wanna think about the next step, cause when it doesn’t happen, I’m just gonna be twice disappointed.

This was really a long first blogpost. See ya next time.

Love, Ash

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