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varpusvaras · 2 months

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Bail stares up at the sky and looks his death in the eye.

He wakes up with a start and almost falls down, but his descent is stopped by the edge of a desk that is suddenly right in front of him. He grabs at it and stops himself from hitting his chin on it, and stares, with his arms shaking and his breath caught up somewhere in his throat.

He is not sure how long he stands there, staring at the desk which sudden existence he cannot comprehend, when there is a sound somewhere to his left and footsteps coming closer.

"Bail?" It's a woman's voice, so familiar but one he knows he shouldn't be hearing speaking to him. "Sir?"

Bail lifts his head and looks over at the voice.

He looks right into Sheltay's face, currently laced over with thin worry.

Bail stares at her. She has been gone for so long, but her face is now clear in his mind and she stands there, just like she was back then, just like she was before they had lost her. He had almost forgotten how much Winter looks like her mother, but there is no doubt of it now.

A new fear grips him. Was Winter off planet, when it all happened? He is not sure suddenly. She must've been, because Bail isn't sure what he is going to say to Sheltay otherwise. He focuses on her again, and thinks, frantically. Shouldn't she know it already? If Winter is also gone, now, shouldn't Sheltay know it by now, shouldn't her daughter be here with her? No, no, Winter must've been off the planet, just like Leia, otherwise he-

Bail looks at Sheltay again. No. No, something is not- something is not correct. Sheltay had cut her hair, just a couple of weeks before the accident, but it is now long and tied high up, like she used to style it when she was still working on as his aide back in the Senate. Bail looks at her more closely. It has been so long since he has last seen her, but...

Sheltay looks truly concerned now.

"Sir?" She calls again, and takes a step closer. "Is everything alright?"

Is everything alright? Bail thinks, almost hysterically. Is everything alright? You are dead. I am dead. Or at least we both should be.

Sheltay doesn't look dead, though, and Bail certainly doesn't feel like dead, either, as he draws in a breath to his now burning lungs. He draws in another, then another, before he feels like he knows again how breathing properly works. Breathing shouldn't feel necessary for someone who was dead, and Bail does feel the instant relief in his body with every breath he takes in.

"I", he starts. He what? He doesn't know what to say. If this isn't what comes after death, what is supposed to happen when one becomes one with the Force, then what is this?

He breathes in deeply again, just to ground himself further. He looks down on his hands, still holding onto the desk. He recognises the desk, now. It's his desk, the one he used to have in his office back in the Senate. He looks furher down, towards his feet. He recognises the carpet beneath them, as well.

He lifts his head and looks around once more. He is in his office, back in the Senate Building, but something is not correct with it either. Leia had been the one using the office more often now, and she had changed some of the decorations and brought in things of her own, and none of those were there now. The place looks just like it had back when Bail had been the only one to use it, back in the days when the Republic had still been standing.

"Bail", Sheltay is now standing right next to him, and reaching out towards him with her hand. "Are you not well? Do I need to call someone?"

Bail looks at her again. Yes, he can now see it. She is younger than what she had been at the time of her death. She is not wearing any of the gifts her husband would so often give to her. She looks just like she had back then, back when the Republic had still been standing, back when the War had been ripping the Galaxy apart.

Bail turns around. He has a row of glass cabinets situated behind his desk, and he looks at himself from the reflection of them.

He had already expected it, seeing himself with all the years gained during the reign of the Empire taken away. There is not even a hint of grey in his hair, and there are so many lines missing from his face that he almost thinks it funny for a moment. Then Sheltay is grabbing his arm, forcing him to look back at her.

"I'm serious", she says. She is looking him over now, her eyes racing over him up and down. "Do you need a doctor?"

Bail shakes his head.

"No", he manages to say. "No, I- I just need to sit down for a moment."

He really does. He takes a step forward, to walk around his desk, and Sheltay guides him over to he couch and quite firmly sits him down.

"Do I need to call someone else?" Sheltay asks again. "Breha?"

Bail looks out of the window, at the pale colours of Coruscant's morning sky. He then glances at the chrono on the wall. It's still early on Alderaan, too early. Breha is not getting up usually until two hours later, earliest. Bail doesn't want to wake her.

It hits him then that in this place he is now, Alderaan is still there. Alderaan and Breha are still there-

-and Leia is not.

It's a strange type of grief he feels then, not one he had thought possible to even exist before this. Leia is not dead, but she is still gone just the same.

Sheltay probably sees him look at the time, as she nods.

"Later, then", she says. "Fox?"

Bail stops breathing.

He stares at Sheltay, because he had been looking at her and cannot make himself move now to look anywhere else.

How could he have forgotten? If Bail is here, if Sheltay is here, if Breha and Alderaan are here, then Fox is here as well.

"Fox", He tries out his name out loud, and Sheltay seems to take that as a confirmation, as she takes out her commlink and starts typing on it.

Bail manages to move, and takes the moment to look up the date.

It's- he is barely second year into the War. It doesn't seem logical, for him to be put in here, in this time, if he truly is dead, not if not for some kindness from the Force, giving him a glimpse of a time when he truly thought there was still a possibility for a brighter future to be right around the corner, when most of the people he loved were still there with him.

It's just strange, to have only him be aware of it all, and not Sheltay. Bail doesn't remember a day like this ever happening before, not that it matters, if this is just some illusion before he finally ceases to exist completely. It's strange, to make everything appear right like it was so long ago, and not like it had been just before his death. It was strange, to make himself feel so alive, just to have him be dead.

Perhaps, a thought enters his mind and doesn't leave. Perhaps you really aren't dead. Perhaps you're here because of all the mistakes you made, and you need to repent for them, before you can let go and move on.

It almost makes him laugh. That, he thinks, that he can do.

Sheltay puts her commlink away, and sits next to him on the couch.

"He said that he will be here as soon as he can", she says. She puts her hand on top of Bail's, and it's warm.

Bail breathes in and nods.

"Thank you", he says, and then it hits him that Fox is alive.

He had thought of it just a moment earlier, but now it truly realises for him that Fox is alive. He has been gone so long as well, so long, too long. Bail has already grieved him in his heart, to a point he has almost stopped hurting so much. Bail had thought, briefly, during his last moments, that perhaps they could still meet before the very end, if he just hadn't already crossed over to where there was nothing left, but this-

This is an entirely different thing.

He needs to call Breha and tell her, he thinks, briefly, before he has to wonder if Breha remembers either. If it's really just him. That does make the most sense, as Bail is the one who had done all the mistakes, not Breha.

Perhaps he's in his thoughts for longer than he thinks he is, because suddenly the door is sliding open, and Fox is stumbling in, his hands already pulling his helmet off of his head.

"I'm here", he says. He's breathing hard, like he had just been running. "What's going on?"

"I'm not sure-" Sheltay starts, but Bail doesn't hear what she is saying. He stands up, and walks towards Fox. Fox, who is hurrying to put his helmet down on the desk, in order to get his hands free, and then walking towards him.

Bail looks at him as he walks. He remembers it all now, how Fox used to look back then during this time. The way his hair curls over his forehead, where the silver strands are on his temples, how his eyes shift from dark brown to golden when the sliver of sunlight from the window hits them just right. There are a few things missing, things that Bail knows only came later. The way his skin would be bruised just from pure exhaustion. The way he would be tense, even when he was trying to relax, just for a moment. This was, is, before all of that. This is before that one night, when everything had started to unravel. This is before Fox had started to cry himself to sleep every night, calling himself all the horrible names there existed in the Galaxy.

This is before all of that. Fox still looks just like he had when he had still looked at Bail and Breha with wonder in his eyes and a smile on his lips whenever they would say I love you.

He looks just as beautiful as Bail remembers.

Fox opens his mouth to say something, but he is so close already, and Bail cannot wait for anything. He pulls Fox into his arms and holds him, trying to feel him through the armor. He buries his face into Fox's neck, not caring about the cold, hard alloy of his pauldron digging into him, and thinks he can hear his heartbeat beneath the warm, tan skin.

There are hands on his back, then one at the back of his head.

"Bail?" He hears Fox's voice clearly from this close, even though he is speaking quietly, almost whispering. "Are you alright?"

Bail breathes in Fox's scent before answering, a mixture of regulation soap, bolt residue and armor polish and just him beneath it all.

"Yes."

"You're crying."

Oh. Bail lifts his face up, just a bit, and blinks. There are tears stuck to his eyelashes, heavy and warm, and he thinks he can see some having landed on Fox as well, if he looks closely enough.

"I'm sorry", he mumbles. It has been a while he has cried, or been overwhelmed like this. He had not given himself permission for being nothing else but calm, when he had heard about Leia being captured. He had not let himself cry when he had held Breha as they awaited for their death, no matter how much he had wanted to do so. Breha had needed him too much for him to fall apart even more.

"It's okay", Fox says. He is carding his fingers through Bail's hair. "What's going on?"

So much. So much is going on, and Bail doesn't know where or when to start.

He knows he needs to decide on those, sooner or later, but before any of that, he has one thing to say.

"I love you", he whispers against Fox's skin.

Fox stills, just for a moment, a moment long enough for Bail to wonder if the version of him Fox had known before in this time had even gotten to say it yet.

Then he continues, running his fingers up and down, his other hand on Bail's back holding onto him just a little tighter.

"I love you too", he whispers back. Bail closes his eyes.

When he opens them, he's ready to take on the Galaxy, once again.

#do you believe me if I say this was supposed to be just a short little snippet lmao #in the actual time travel fix-it idea I have in my head all three of them know and are aware #and the relationship is developing during the second life #but I wanted to write something where they were a thing before already and suddenly everybody is alive for one of them #I decided it was Bail's turn to cry lmao so he got picked for that role he deserves to be the babygirl for once #Fox and Sheltay are very concerned #but then Bail tells them that they gotta kill Palpatine and Fox is on board instantly #sw #tcw #my writing #ficlet #time travel au #one of a kind at least #Bail Organa #Commander Fox #bail/breha/fox #Sheltay Retrac #Star Writing

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zeb-z · 6 months

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etoiles who tries to be patient and tries to be kind and tries to help bad in his state of memory loss and confusion after purgatory, but still can’t help be suspicious of him. who works around how well he knows bad, because he knows bad is a liar, but he doesn’t say as much he just quietly puts in his own tests and precautions to gauge properly what level of fucked bad’s head is. who won’t stop reminding him of purgatory. does he remember the eggs? does he remember his home? does he remember how he slaughtered his friends ruthlessly over and over and over again? does he remember jaiden? charlie? does he remember how defenseless etoiles was when he stabbed him in the back? etoiles who knows how bad feels just by body language, who used to have the upmost respect and trust for his friend, his ally, his brother in arms - now holds him at arms length even at his most vulnerable.

something about etoiles asking what bad is hungry for, offering to fight (wanting to fight, now that the ground is even, now that he’s not defenseless, after bad had killed him when he was), and bad going “fight? why would I fight you, I thought we were friends?” and all etoiles can do is scoff. something about how even the most honorable and most patient have limits. something about how the consequences for bads actions - to himself and to others - are all finally compounding. how etoiles and bad’s relationship is forever changed by what happened in purgatory, and etoiles may still extend his hand to help him, give him strategies to remember things, but he’s doing so with a bitterness and a resentment.

things won’t be the same. things will never be the same. and the way etoiles can’t help bad without being sharp and angry about it proves this. because two weeks ago bad was family - and now, at bads worst, his most afflicted, most vulnerable, sure etoiles still offers help, and is more level headed than most about it, but he is in no means gentle or kind. he doesn’t want to help him. and that says everything.

#idk man. etoiles reaction not being ‘oh poor bad’ but being startled and then ‘oh of fucking course he’d just forget everything’ is telling #like we knew purgatory wasn’t gonna be forgotten. especially between red and bad specifically. but for it to show through etoiles first #to see etoiles genuinely bitter and resentful and taking no stock nor trust in what bad is saying or showing. yeah. Yeah #like. etoiles helping. he still cares a little. he’s not gonna leave bad to fend for himself he’s gonna help because that’s what he does he #helps #but it’s like. etoiles is saving him with a resentment because he knows bad wouldn’t do the same #(as far as he’s concerned at least. from what purgatory has shown him at least)#or not saving so much as helping to correct my phrasing a little bit jfjskfkrk #idk the fact that it’s etoiles out of everyone back so far. the fact that it’s etoiles and bads relationship that’s in shambles #out of all the friendships and mutual trust and respect and love #like. yeah. yeah. purgatory won’t just be forgotten. as much as bad has forgotten no one else will forget #mcyt #qsmp #q!etoiles #q!bbh #z speaks

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dailykugisaki · 6 months

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Day sixty-three | id in alt

A puppet and a witch.

#dailykugisaki #jjk #kugisaki nobara #mahito #jjk mahito #i Love havin to violently clarity who mahito is #ive never drawn this cursed bitch in ny life but making this thing do fucked up expressions is fun #update! ive been low-key concern looking at chapter 209-212 because......#dawg i think the merging is already Happening #AM I DELUSIONAL? DAWG IT MAY BE ALREADY HAPPENINH #WHAT THE FUCK DID THOSE BEAMS OF LIGHT MEAN??? UHHH??? UH?? ERM idk tho #i might be staring at the wrong shit but yknow #another update! its just the plans furthering lmao #though... i do think the merging should be able to at least start or something... it would be interesting to see #i fucking giggling tho bc in chapter... 244? i think the old guy with the katana says they could use cursed evergy to protect themselves #they completely disregard the people of japan and its FUNNY #but yknow who ACTUALLY has non sorcerer friends and cares for them insanely so? Kugisaki and fucking todo idk why not #i just wanna see what happens i wanna see how fucked up this is gonna be #also can maki fucking uh heavenly restriction herself out of the merger or is she fucked #im asking the REAL questions on my fucking daily Kugisaki account because this is the only way i can pick apart jjk with any kind of group

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sinful-lanterns · 5 months

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There's a reader fan club, that's how cute and popular we are.

How much do you wanna bet that Chelsea is the leader of the fan club, besides already being the leader of a sorority on top of that 😭😭

Most of the women are already in it or have heard of it and have attended at least one of the meetings. Yes, this means women like Langley, Anne, Iron and even Nightingale have attended the club meetings, and they’re regarded as “normal” people by PTN standards 😅

The fan club really does nothing but gush about how cute you are, or plan little group activities to hang with you in between classes/breaks. It’s like a giant group date meeting that goes on behind your back, all orchestrated by none other than Chelsea and other pathetic sinners <3

#⛓️ interrogation complete #university au #bai yi is like her second in command #also cinnabar has attended one of these meetings out of concern for your wellbeing #she was shocked to say the least to see how many women were dedicated to loving you

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allieinarden · 8 days

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If you are scrupulous, the gulf between what you were taught about religion and what you think you were taught about religion could be huge. It is, of course, fully possible that you were given bad doctrine by clueless individuals, but if you still have access to the people who schooled you in your faith—family members, family friends, mentors with whom you remain in touch—it might be worth asking them what they meant by some of the things they said. The scrupulous mind tends to draw very extreme conclusions. You might be shocked by some of the clarification that you get.

#The reason I am still Catholic is that I happened to be very open with my mom about whatever fears I had around religion growing up #and she was able to say “that’s not what I meant at all” so even if I secretly feared she was wrong and I was right #I at least knew what she really believed and what she had been trying to tell me and I knew what was my own extrapolation #I have no idea where I would be if I hadn’t had anyone to run those concerns by #Scrupulosity creates a version of religion that no human being can possibly adhere to so when that’s what you think you were taught #how are you gonna maintain your faith? You’re not #religion #scrupulosity

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waywardstation · 28 days

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WIP FRIDAY

I apologize for getting this out two days late, I’ve been busy with lots of packing and events! But I have a little reprieve, so I wanted to post another WIP; this one is from Heart Full, Bowl Empty.

BE AWARE THAT THIS SEGMENT INVOLVES A CONVERSATION REVOLVING AROUND UNWILLING BUT INTENTIONAL STARVATION. I know there are people who say they can’t read this fic because of themes like this, so be aware of this before reading this WIP!!

I included this snippet in today’s WIP because I have like three versions of the entire segment this snippet is from. I feel like it’s a really important segment with a really important conversation, and I’ve had a hard time balancing all the emotions the way I want to between Ingo and Akari, with frustration, sadness, anger, and empathy, to realistically get them to the resolution I want at the end of it.

The final version will probably only include a few parts from this particular segment.

Enjoy!!

—————

“I knew it! You’re doing it again!” Akari’s eyebrows scrunched, trying to understand through the frustration. “You said you wouldn’t!”

“Circumstances will improve soon.” Clearly done with the conversation, that was all Ingo said, but it was confession enough that he had fallen back on his word. Shame contaminated his voice, but if there was any regret, he hid it well.

“No, it won’t!” They were not even half-way through winter yet. “And you know it won’t!”

Ingo said nothing as the kits carefully moved around his slumped form, finding comfortable places to settle around him. She didn’t know if he intended to snuff the conversation out with angered silence, or if he was just too exhausted to care about arguing with her anymore. If it wasn’t for his small occasional signs of movement or acknowledgement, she’d think he was actually sleeping.

Akari carefully stepped into the nesting layers, moving to sit down next to Ingo. She settled with her back against the cavern wall, pulling her knees close as a few kits shuffled around to accommodate her. “You know I’m right.”

Huffing out an irritated sigh and nothing more, it didn’t seem like Ingo had any intentions to engage with her argument anymore.

“You couldn’t even pull yourself up over the ridge,” She prodded at him again, trying to motivate more conversation out of him. “I had to help you!”

“There are many, many factors that go into that.” A reluctant answer, perhaps a reflexive attempt to quell her worry; Ingo feebly rubbed his wrapped hand, almost as a display for his excuse.

“I’ve seen you do more when you’ve been hurt worse.” Akari retorted, a little softer now but still cold.

Ingo’s eyes remained closed, though his hardened expression implied that it came across as more accusatory than she’d intended. But perhaps it was precisely the time to be accusatory.

“Ingo, you’re so tired all the time now – you stopped coming to the training grounds because you just can’t make the trips all the time anymore! And you’re sleeping so much more than you used to, and it’s like you’re always hungry all the time, even though all I see you doing anymore is gathering food!” Akari’s voice grew more jagged as she continued to jab at him, entirely uninterrupted.

It was getting difficult. With Ingo’s tunic still sopping by the bucket, still somewhat red from the exhausted effort of washing out the blood, it could not hide the ribs that pressed out just a little bit more, or help fill out what the waistline had lost under the loosening belt. The abject dread of directly acknowledging that was too much.

“And- and look! You aren’t even willing to hold a conversation with me anymore, and I don’t know if it’s because you just won’t, or because you can’t!” The kits shifted uncomfortably as Akari retreated back into her own frustration instead. “People think you’re sick, Ingo! They’re asking me about you! What are you doing?”

The exhausted man remained where he laid in the nesting material, only moving his hands to rub at his face and sigh — a deep, forced sigh that swelled his side before releasing. Akari almost didn’t think he’d answer her, but with some effort, he propped himself up first onto his elbows, then slumped forward. The teen watched him run shaky fingers through his hair as he sat next to her.

“…I don’t know what I should do.” The guilt. The weary guilt cracked his voice and tore Akari’s anger down to heartache.

#ref for fic #BE AWARE THIS IS DISCUSSING INTENTIONAL BUT UNWILLING STARVATION #tw starvation #just in case #cause I know not everyone vibes with this story #and I’ll say it’s been weird myself returning to these segments I wrote months ago and re-reading them #AND TO BE MORE CAREFUL I talk about a personal situation sort of dealing with this below #a lot has happened in the timeframe of originally writing this and coming back to this #at the end of fall I got very very sick and it lasted well into February #I unwillingly shed thirty-five pounds because I could not eat #and I didn’t notice at all until I stopped and realized just how tight I had to make my work belt #even when family members pointed it out during the holidays when they’d hug me #it wasn’t until someone got very concerned and did something about it that I realized just how bad it was #I’m sure people remember when I mentioned I had gastritis #that’s what all this was I just never really went into detail about how bad it truely was here #so coming back and reading this segment specifically #having written it months before I went through any of this #felt really really weird and a little uncomfortable #I edited Akari’s accusations a little to fit my situation more about a month back #because I did not realize just how much more stuff like this would make you want to sleep #at least in my experience #but it’s been very very just #strange I guess coming back to this #it doesn’t make me want to not work on HFBE anymore it just feels very weird

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agnisleftpec · 8 months

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in light of lie detector tests irl being mostly bullshit, especially so for people with anxiety, combined with fandom shoving all their mental disorders onto their faves cuz projection is fun, i propose a much more chaotic take on zuko joining the gaang wherein toph can NOT get a fuckin read on this guy and kind of wants him to just sit down and breathe for a second thanks, your heartrate is giving her a headache

#as with most of my ideas #time for jokes #the gaang ends up at a standstill cuz they really DO need a firebending teacher #but they cant fuckin tell if zuko is lying #at first they assume he's just like azula #but then toph's genuine concern for his heart health shuts that down #and so they begin opperation calm zuko the fuck down #which does not work at all #cuz the gaang suddenly switching from 'mm dont trust you' to 'hey lets do a spa day' is concerning to say the least #and then joke prompts aside #the angst potential if toph ever misinterprets anxiety as a lie #especially in the early days of zuko joining the gaang #things could go wrong pretty fast #is hyper anxious zuko pretty ooc? yeah #do i care? no #two versions of any character in my head #one is classic best efoort interpretation of canon #other is a free for all of headcanons and projection #both are valid and both are constantly pinging around in my head #you dont get to choose how i play with my dolls asgjfhdh #atla #zuko #toph #book three #insp

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ingravinoveritas · 8 months

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I thought I was the only one who weirded out by the fact that a mother can define ON THE INTERNET her own daughter a “drunken accident”. Like??? Everyone find her so funny. Maybe I have no sense of humor, but I can’t tell from experience that knowing to be your parents’ accident hurts A LOT. It isn’t something you want to make public. And yes, she’s definitely bragging. We get it, Georgia, you’re the luckiest woman alive, now chill. There’s no need to remind us about your sex life, unless you have something to prove...

Hi there! I'm so sorry to hear of your negative experience, and that it affected you so deeply. It's a curious thing, too, because in the same post where Georgia wrote that caption, she has Birdie's face censored/covered up. So seeing her kids' faces is too private, but sharing that piece of information (about Birdie and about Georgia's sex life) is somehow okay? Because that seems like a pretty strange disconnect.

I also think what a lot of people are missing is that in many cases, using the word "accident" when referring to a pregnancy also tends to correlate with "unwanted." There is an entire media trope built around this that we see in both TV shows and movies (i.e., an older sibling saying to a younger sibling, "Mom told me you were an accident"). And while this can be and has been played for both comedy and drama, the underlying negative connotation is the same: That Sibling #1 is saying it as an insult/to be hurtful toward Sibling #2. And that feeling of being unwanted is not something lightly brushed aside.

But if the comments on this post are any indication, you are definitely not the only one who felt weirded out by Georgia's caption, and I would not at all say it has anything to do with a sense of humor. This is par for the course for Georgia, as she posted this about Ty on Valentine's Day last year (putting it side by side with today's post, so we have the comparison):

...As well as her repeated use of the hashtag #vaginabragsunday (or just #vaginabrag) when making posts about her kids. She even (inexplicably) used that tag on her post for David's 50th birthday a few years ago.

The common thread with all of these (the post about Birdie, the post about Ty, the post about David) is that these posts are meant to be about someone else, yet she manages to center herself in them instead. That's where I think much of the issue lies for many of us--that this post for Birdie's birthday was phrased as if directed toward her, yet Georgia is using it to brag about her sex life, and clearly aiming that/the post itself at the general public.

Which brings me to your assertion about her having something to prove. As we know by now, Georgia has pretty much built her brand around the concept of--to borrow a terrific turn of phrase from @clayisforgirls--"I shagged David Tennant and you didn’t." But what I feel like some people are missing is that "I had sex with David Tennant" is a world away from and not the same thing as "I had sex with my husband David, the man I love." And if she needs to brag and seek validation from complete strangers--on her own kid's birthday post, of all places--that seems to speak volumes about the state of her and David's relationship, and not in the way that most people commenting today seem to think it does.

Thank you again for sharing your thoughts with me. I think folks often feel like they can't speak honestly about these things in the fandom, so I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to do so. Thanks for writing in! x

#nabrrie #reply post #georgia tennant #david tennant #soft scottish hipster gigolo #choices #not all of them good #also can we think for a moment how different this would be if the genders were reversed #if G was a man saying he had no self control with wine or his wife #that would seem at least slightly concerning #yet because Georgia's a woman no one seems to care #and any inkling of how David feels about this caption is completely missing #curiouser and curiouser #thoughts #discourse

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