I think a part of the reason I feel so connected to JGY and XY is that I, too, think everyone is lying about what a good person they are. Sure, there may be a few genuinely good people, but those are in the minority and never claim the title.
I don't know about never; some people are pretty straightforward.
And in some ways the whole point of the concept of 'a good person' is that the feeling of losing the right to consider yourself one can impose instinctive recoil from doing wrong, in situations where you don't have the leisure of working your way through an ethics diagram and choosing the logically moral path before reacting to a situation. It has practical utility.
But that system can backfire pretty horribly too, in a lot of ways. It can be hijacked by definitions of 'good' that actually make you recoil from ethical acts because they're deviant. It can lead to disappearing up your own ass lmao.
And definitely the threshold for 'talking about how you're a good person' enough that it makes you suspect as either a) a liar or b) someone who values that self-image over objective reality and other people's wellbeing is. Not very high.
Jin Guangyao, ironically, is one of those people who's so performatively A Good Person in his public life that in retrospect it looks like a red flag. Which knowing this about himself in an ongoing fashion ofc just reinforces his own cynicism about everyone else lmao.
Even Lan Xichen, who I think he may see as a genuinely good person, he also sees as an easy mark who will reliably choose what is comfortable over what is 'right,' if you just structure the scenario to make that an easy choice that's easy for him to justify.
Xue Yang's bitterness is in many ways more exciting than Jin Guangyao's because he has a way more unusual relationship to reality, but it does share a lot of notes.
The role of deception in his psychology fascinates me because as far as I can tell he's as instinctively straightforward a person as Lan Wangji, albeit along quite different lines involving a total lack of impulse control, but has adopted 'deceit' as a weapon against the wicked world in the same way he has adopted 'murder.'
But when he feels someone is not merely lying but papering over bad behavior with principles they are not living up to he is livid.
People claiming to be better than him because they're 'good' when 'good' is a construct of privilege, is the underlying idea he's not equipped to articulate. Except he takes that and applies it to 'hitting me to interrupt my random murder of some guy who happened to be within arm's reach when I wanted to hurt someone.'
Which isn't like philosophically perfect, but the underlying problem he's actually reacting to is that he understands the social contract as a lie that has never protected him but seeks to control him, while protecting rich men it has no power to control.
Which it is fair to be mad about, but then his feeling is that since that's the nature of the world and all people, he is entitled to amass for himself the power to inflict hurt without consequences as much as he possibly can, and to use it against the vulnerable for fun, and no one is entitled to interfere.
Which brings him to a place where he is violently angry at anyone talking about trying to treat other people well as a value, because either they're a hypocrite and a liar or they threaten his entire system of rationalization for why he can be The Worst and still In The Right.
'Everyone is equally bad, actually' is like, an understandable take for anyone who's had cause to become embittered. Everyone is free to make whatever philosophical peace they can with the world and by and large there's no ethical weight to any such opinion, in itself.
But it's an ideological crutch people tend to wind up leaning on very heavily when they can't or don't want to take responsibility for their own behavior.
Which is an approach that Xue Yang, Jin Guangyao, and Su She all share, and which not only is shitty of them, it...traps them in a wheel of doubling down on their own worst impulses because rather than going 'that was bad and I shouldn't do it again' they've repeatedly invested all this energy into making what they did actually the correct thing, according to their interpretation of the context. Which means they're more likely to do it again.
(I think this is how Jin Guangyao became a serial killer, for example. He followed a doing-a-murder-impulse and then internally doubled down on how he had nothing to be ashamed of, so he was more likely to do it again, every time.
Wei Wuxian's strain of self-righteousness about his revenge was less...thorough than Jin Guangyao's, because he had the benefit of going after people on the opposite side of a war from him while Meng Yao's first known murder plot was against a shitty boss. But it probably didn't help him not try to solve army-shaped problems with mass murder, even after that stopped being allowed.)
If any of them had just like, zero moral sensibilities they would have created very different problems, and very possibly fewer of them. It's making a central goal of your operations 'self-vindication in your own internal narrative, created retroactively via reframing' rather than 'figuring out what I think I should do and trying to do that' that traps them in the self-reinforcing murder pissbaby vortex.
So if you look at it one way, these three villains are themselves perfect examples of how pursuit of the 'feeling of being good' (or at least 'not the bad guy') can make you worse.
Notably Wei Wuxian was also extremely sensitive to hypocrisy in his youth; it was the only part of Madam Yu's behavior he was ever shown objecting to. But he's sufficiently mellow and cynical from regret and burnout by the 'present' timespan after his resurrection to just get disgusted and alienated about it, rather than outraged.
He wasn't even all that mad at Xue Yang, though honestly that may be partly because he stopped entirely characterizing him as a person at some point during their interaction. Like, there's no point being angry at someone whose moral sensibilities operate exclusively on the plane of 'is this unfair to me' for manipulating and destroying people who were good to him, and then getting obsessed with his own self-pity about it. This is not a person who understands how not to be, metaphorically speaking, a cannibal.
And Wei Wuxian did know better and still got roughly the same result, so what business does he have getting angry?
Anyway yeah those two villains are both delightfully relatable if you sit down and put their perspectives together; they are clearly operating with the same basic suite of human needs and emotions as everybody else, without that being in itself particularly exculpatory, which is honestly refreshing. They've just got the most fantastically toxic interpersonal habits that knowing them counts as some level of Suffering A Curse.
Jin Guangyao and Xue Yang do both stand as scathing rebukes of the society that created them. But within the narrative, wherein they're people, the fact is that each of them had agency and one of the things they chose to do with it was develop rationales for why they were the most special little guy and everything was someone else's fault.
And their moral nihilisms, while also grounded in serious trauma, ping me as emotional masturbation of this variety.
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Pink Cloudy Sky, P.S. To the Beginning of the End (Summarized)
Chapter 00 - 01
Chapter 02
Chapter 03
Chapter 04 Part 1, Part 2
Chapter 05
Chapter 06 Part 1, Part 2
Chapter 07 Part 1 Part 2
Final Chapter
From the cloudy sky, as REM sometimes remembered, the warm rays of the spring sun came down.
A somewhat lazy afternoon in late spring. REM was leaning against the wall of the clinic’s waiting room, feeling the weight of the guitar in his knees as he went through the setlist of tomorrow’s live. During practice that night, he would do the final checks. He’d have to plan the timing of the MCs, the finale, the arrangement of the new songs…
Suddenly, his eyes fell on the list of that afternoon’s appointments. There were a few more patients than usual for a Saturday. Maybe he could take a nap first…
No, before those appointments, he had to practice scales.
What was to become of him and SAVER TIGER from now on, no one could say.
He was nervous about it, and impatient. Claiming anything else would have been a lie. The one thing he could say was that leading SAVER TIGER now was the most fulfilling period of his life so far. The one year in which he had put everything into fulfilling hide’s dying wish.
He could not even dream of paying back all he owed him.
But maybe this was enough?
Everything after this, he should do for himself, REM thought.
The SAVER TIGER of those days was over. This was the SAVER TIGER he had breathed new life into.
There was no point in dragging the past forward.
The end of the century, rock music, and SAVER TIGER. Those were the only things that mattered to him in this moment.
Just that, and keeping up the creation of good music, continuing to perform.
He could play the guitar like this. He could feel the strings under his fingers, feel the melody in his ears, feel the music with his whole being.
There was no greater happiness than that.
-
In the afternoon sunlight filtering through the trees, the pick REM was holding in his right hand fell to the floor with a small noise. In his dream, his soul kept sliding over the fingerboard.
-
From autumn 1998 onwards, the new SAVER TIGER continued to go on tour: Starting on the 1st of November 1998 in Yokohama, they had six performances in Yokohama, Yokosuka, Meguro, and Takadanobaba until the 15th of April 1999. Then, in May, they performed in three locations in Yokohama and Takadanobaba.
The second part of their tour started in early August and took them to Osaka, Tokushima, Yokosuka, Yokohama, Chiba, Machida, Meguro, and Kumagaya in 11 shows. The final one was planned for 13th December 1999 in BAYHALL in Yokohama.
REM expresses how ecstatic he would be if those who read this book would listen to SAVER TIGER’s music. And while they are at it, they should check out their official website.
Speaking of which, it was hide who first got into the internet, and used it to communicate with the fans in a meaningful way.
And with this feeling carved into REM’s chest, he wants to put down the pen.
Appendix
Study of the dental pattern of patient Matsumoto Hideto.
At this point, REM want to attempt an examination of patient Matsumoto Hideto as a dentist. The following is based on a dental model he made, as well as things hide told him.
It was a model made for the purpose of examination. That day, it became a special thing for REM: The only memento he had of hide’s physical form. Every time REM sees the model in the waiting room or touches the examination table where hide had been sitting, he wants to talk to that white, inorganic thing.
That is why he is sharing the report on that medical examination now, resigning himself to the criticism of the other people from his field.
It would probably be terribly unreasonable to reach conclusions about hide’s entire body just from that model, the state of his oral cavity, and what he told REM. Moreover, it would be rude to hide, one might think. Others would be of the opinion that it is okay to do it, of course. REM thinks it’s reasonable enough.
But REM’s honest feelings are these: It is not a bad thing to disclose a little bit of hide’s personal matters to the public. In this moment, as his friend and as his fellow guitarist from a band called SAVER TIGER, REM wishes to do all he can for hide, utilizing his means as a dentist.
Therefore, REM informs that the following is not a true patient’s chart nor an actual medical report. It reflects only the personal opinion of one single dentist.
[Patient Matsumoto Hideto] 1) Main complaint (the patient’s acutely perceived subjective symptoms for discomfort) .. Sometimes his jaw joints are hurting. It also happens that he cannot open his jaw. Also, severely stiff shoulders. 2) Medical history (past illnesses and current systemic ailments) .. Arrythmia 3) History of present illness .. Observations of grating sounds and irregularities of temporomandibular joint at times are ambiguous
Psychologically, systemic problems are ambiguous. 4) Current symptoms .. Abnormally stiff shoulders
Since long ago, many cases of clenched jaw, jaw muscles are stressed.
Palpation of temporomandibular joint not particularly abnormal, movement of lower jaw is not irregular or restricted. No palpation of muscle occurred. 5) Symptoms concluded from model of the mouth cavity .. Extensive wear of all teeth, corresponding low occlusion.
This is what REM got from what he heard from hide and the examination of the dental model.
One week after his visit at REM’s clinic, hide went to L.A. again, with no follow-up appointment planned, no clarity on when he would be back in Japan, and with the symptoms of his jaw not being acute, REM did not interview him too extensively. He also notes that there was no time for photographs of the oral cavity or X-rays.
At this point, REM talks a little about temporomandibular joint and how it works. Compared to other parts of the body, it is extremely complex in its movements. With its position between the upper and lower jaw and before the ears, it executes a lot of movements when speaking, eating, or even during sleep for some people.
Very roughly said, there is complex movement when chewing or opening and closing the mouth: Up, down, left, right. In contrast, the abnormal occlusion comes from a way of chewing that differs from the ordinary. Damage to the teeth can also be caused by accidents and violent fights. In any case, if the teeth are worn down by chewing or grinding, the height doesn’t match anymore, which leads to irregular chewing patterns.
If that irregularity is particularly bad, it leads to pain of the temporomandibular joints and overall discomfort. This, caused by emotional stress in the first place, can lead to muscle pain, which in turn leads to more tension.
Opening and closing the mouth can create various problems. This is called temporomandibular joint disorder. Of course, when it comes to hide, REM can’t diagnose that for the aforementioned lack of examinations and tests. But between what patient Matsumoto Hideto told him and the information provided by the study model, it’s a conclusion he finds definitely possible.
The model shows that from the front to the back teeth, all the pointy bits had been worn away so that the teeth were essentially flat. This must have been caused by the teeth grinding hide had told REM about. But for the wear to be so extensive all over, the grinding and gritting must have been extremely strong and have gone on for a very long time.
Teeth grinding is a phenomenon that happens unconsciously in times of required self-control or nervousness and stress. If the grinding goes on for a long time, it often happens that normal chewing is no longer possible. This disturbs the entire system of the jaw muscles and joints and causes pain. If it gets worse, the pain can spread to the surrounding muscles, then the shoulders and fingers and even the back and legs. Also, this affecting the muscles is often the cause for stiffness of the shoulders.
According to the model, the size of hide’s jaw (the gap between the upper and the lower jaw) when chewing was a lot lower than it used to be due to the wear, and the bones inside the joint no longer fit the normal position. The wear is so extensive that REM assumes the pain spread past the environment of the jaw to parts of the body far away from it.
And thus he concludes this meagre investigation.
Finally, there is one more episode REM wants to add in line with this report.
This is how he remembers it:
That day, hide asked him, “How do I get my teeth back to their original shape?” after he came to REM’s office for consultation.
After the examination, they had, of course, gone for drinks, and this is when hide brought it up. REM said, “For that, I would have to fix all your teeth, I think. There is no time for that now, and there is a risk that the shape of your face is going to change. One day, when we are both old men, and there is time to spare, and visuals no longer matter, I can fix them for you.”
Hide said, “Since my teeth are one source for my stiff shoulders, I want to have them fixed. Just, right now, there really is no time for it, but please do it one day. After all, you are to be my attending physician for the rest of my life.”
As attending physician, REM could have been of some help. Even now, that thought sometimes shoots through his mind.
Afterword (1)
With the irresponsible reports and information going around after that certain day, REM wants to detail his days with hide as precisely as possible. And he wants to let as many people as possible know the truth.
That kind of thought is always with him.
“Hey, REM! Please.”
Every day they have this conversation inside REM’s mind, when he listens carefully for hide’s words from beyond the sky and replies, “Hey, hide. How can I help you, so you can rest easy?”
This is a book that has been created as a joint project by REM and Nakamoto-san of Yokosuka, who goes by the name of BENZO, over the course of half a year.
The aim was to write as accurately, truthfully, and diligently as possible about REM’s life as a musician, the historic band SAVER TIGER as made by hide, as well as REM’s irreplaceable days with his sword friend hide, and the enthusiastic rock scene of Yokosuka.
He was aiming to be accurate, but there are probably points where his memory is off, or his perception differs from others. In that case, he is sincerely sorry.
In the light of the close bond he shared with him who has gone beyond the sky, he hopes it can be forgiven.
Finally, he thanks a great many people, starting with hide’s parents, his younger brother, the people from his office, the former members of X JAPAN, the past members and staff of SAVER TIGER, the members of UNITED, AMIT, Doppel Ganger, LAFERIA, and 4th Dimension, Kuriji-san, and then the people of Zushi Dental Clinic, Takeshi-san, Arakawa-sensei, Nakano-san, Someya-san, and many others. Above all, BENZO, who has become a drinking buddy for life and without whom this book would not exist in this form. All these people have helped him greatly, and he takes this opportunity to express his deepest gratitude.
He dedicates this book to his mother, who went to heaven first and may have met hide there, his father, who is still practicing as a doctor on Shikoku, his older sister and his younger brother, his wife Miwa, and their son.
And of course, he wants to dedicate this book, and the next words that come from his heart, to him, who has gone beyond the sky.
“hide, thank you.”
-
1999-05-02 His first birthday above the sky.
-
Afterword (2)
28 October 1999, Thursday, cloudy sky, 10:30 AM.
The night before, REM drank with his bandmates in their usual place, “99”, but their condition wasn’t bad. The window was wide open. Feeling the comforting wind and the morning’s aroma from his fingertips to his hair that once again reached his shoulders, REM went down the national highway No. 134 southwards, towards the coast of Miura. There, on a small hill, different from the rest and seemingly removed from the reality everyone else is living in, is hide’s resting place.
REM wondered if he was plotting new ideas in this place of rest, and if those were now flying around freely through the air…
As always, REM reported about live performances and new songs, and the state of the band, and then made his way back home along the coastal road. There was one tiny thing he noticed:
As REM was talking to hide, a feathered life-form about the size of his little finger’s nail (some kind of insect) was flying through the air around him and the others. At that time, they didn’t particularly care… And now, that life-form was inside the car.
There was no telling if it was the same creature from before, but form and size were identical.
REM calmly closed the window and, without thinking anything, he turned on the car stereo and stepped on the accelerator.
When he got home and left the car, the line between the ordinary and the extraordinary was crossed again.
Several days had passed since then.
It’s the 6th of November now, and with the image of this feathered little life-form flying freely around in his home, REM decides to let the story come to an end.
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