#im talking stupid again dont mind me
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my bangs/hair have reached the perfect length, (just above my nose but not too thick or long to restrict my vision)
but since i have to use glasses all the time, it's not very comfortable to have my hair in front of my face/glasses at all times.
so yeah i probably should cut it, but i really don't want to :(
#when im about to sleep i take off my glasses and my hair falls in front of my face and weirdly it makes me happy#like 🙂#i smile like little puppies#idk if puppies smile tho#also why bangs are great hairstyles/haircuts but they always get dirty so quick#like i want my hair to stay clean for at least 5 minutes#ranting#shitposting#im talking stupid again dont mind me
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i often really do feel like an .. unwanted part of the fandom, i dont draw beautiful landscapes, i have unpopular but strong opinions im constantly annoying about and rarely change, dont like/dont draw the pretty young popular twinks and hot gurls to fanboi over nor do i turn characters into one, the opposite moreso, draw only one ship no ones heard of really, got little energy to interact with the few people that are nice to me and send me asks so it probably looks like im ignoring everyone and unfortunately but still rarely get so stressed i get overwhelmed and emotional about pehaps seemingly minor things and spiral almost into a breakdown feeling super embarrassed about it afterwards but the damage is already done and i look like a freak or agressive weirdo
#ganondoodles talks#also probably sounds like self pity#but this feeling hits everytime i see a super popular artist be the popular cool artist#i am a little weird i know that and thats not somethign bad i think#but the internet never gets to see that much of me#i tend to write posts when i am at my worst bc it has to go somewhere#so the image it tells people is that im a weirdly strong opiniod freak that gets breakdowns over nothing#i also dont feel like im otherwise -cool tm- enough to balance that out#i dont think my art is as stylized or as inventive as others nor am i cool to interact with bc idk how to be cool to interact with#i feel double bad when i misstepped with someone i used to talk to bc of something stupid ... or just dont know what i did wrong#im guessing its especially when i am in that spiraling state of mind where i really am not myself tbh#it still feels very bad bc i feel like i can never make it up to anyone again#sorry i acted like a jerk my brain was exploding in emotions in a desperate attempt to deal with something idk how to deal with-#-and made me not act like myself but now i feel really dumb about it#doesnt sound like a good excuse#... i want to thank those that do stick with me#even if i acted strange sometimes- even if i disappointed sometimes- even when i couldnt keep a promise#there are little things that still make me angry at myself#like that one time i asked in the tags whod read as long as the end of them and if someone did shoudl send me an ask so id draw a lil thing#and i got two#and i kept trying to remeber oh shit i need to do that and forgetting again/not having energy for it in a loop#i still feel like a jerk about it but now its probably too late#i wish i could answer all asks i get but man my energy for that is always rock bottom#no matter how much i enjoy the ask#and i love getting asks!!!#im sorry :((
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would smash leshy
#spacie spoinks#was only a matter of time not sorry#i thought leshy was a girl at first and b/c of that was very attractive 2 me#i found out leshy was a boy and was like ''aww :('' and the emotions fizzled out but now they're back again#leshy.....hmmm#i want 2 have a one night stand w/him and have it be the best night of my life. never 2 be replicated again.#we go our separate ways and never talk again#where was that one anon that was like: oh so you're favorite characters are yellow or green or something#leshyyyyy#i wanna squish him#i would do crazy things 2 leshy dude#man. why would bamsara do this 2 me#constant intriguing ship posting and now i wanna bang a leaf monster . okay.#so stupid#my life is already ruined w/springtrap I DONT NEED ANOTEHR GREEN MAN IN MY SKULL!!!!!!!!!#houuugh springtrap.....man....im thinking about him again...........#euaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahghgggg#fuuuuck man#two of them. in the microwave that is my mind#going round and round#they're both awful#anf very. sexy.#UGH!! WHATEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!
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there has got to be a nicer way to say that i don’t care about befriending these cis white men to my friend. Please please i don’t care if they’re nice i don’t care omg😭😭😭 We have nothing in common and so do u guys. pls. Stawp it
#kitty talks#i love it to death but pleaseee. idgaffff😭😭😭 omg😭😭😭 and theyre all so fucking ugly too and mid FUCKEKJEEHHWHH omg#i’m being so nice right now but Please. Ur killing me. Please . Please. Please#again. i love it a lot but it also ends up breaking up with its boyfriends like 1 month in. So i jjust. Dont have the capacity for that#I dont need to be introduced to random dating app men and then find out theyre weird or assholes. LMFAO. who cares#i am Begging begging it meets a trans guy. like god. its only cis men.and theyre so stupid looking. And uninteresting. and unpassionate#uneducated. Ok. Rant over i guess. My head hurts so bad snd reading these texts are just kind of getting to me . Man#Omg. Hes giving us a ride back after thr show tomorrow and im hoping to like. Bear through it#I need to be drunk out of my mind for this
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📖🖊❄️
#journal dump bc i have too much on my mind#1) i HATE my neighbors. theres never one quiet moment. they stomp around and slam cabinets all the time it feels like#2) i've been reading more recently even if concentration's hard bc of noise. but i also feel like there r too many books i wanna read#but yeah. too little time. so instead i cant settle on a book and kinda dont even read as much as i want to. a stupid problem really#3) it's crazy to say but i wish i had a part time job. sitting at home 24/7 for 5/6 years has been SO terrible for me.#everything feels meaningless. every day is the exact same. im not LIVING. im rotting away and all my issues get worse. im also so fkn bored#and i dont wanna sit at home and do assignments (even if thats what i technically should be doing)#i want a job to go to which takes me away from home + gives me money#then i can come home and sit and rot and ENJOY it. bc now my lazy time is only smth negative and bad for me :/#ofc i hate the mere thought of having some soul sucking utterly pointless job and our capitalist society is a slave hellhole. but.. as it is#im not even able to enjoy ANY of my time bc all my time feels bad. plus im only getting poorer and poorer so i cant afford to buy anything#4) im so fkn bored and going crazy from eating the exact same food every single day for the third month now. im sick of it#everything tastes so bland and disgusting. it's genuinely making me depressed 😭 i wanna eat REAL food. im so tired bc no nutrition :((#i cant do anything except wait for my appt w the doctor next week and hope they put me on a waiting list for surgery.. but ong im sick of it#5) i miss my sisters :/ we live in the same apartment but its like i've completely ceased to exist to them#except when they need to be passive aggressive to me. lol. i miss them. but they just dont wanna talk to me :/#but tbh. most of all... i just want my health issue to be over so my body can function normally again.#i can face anything in life if i can come home to a cup of coffee nd some chocolate ^-^ <333
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ppl who like making friends solely with one-note cardboard boxes who will hang out with them when it's convenient and never open up about who they are as people and what their lives are like dni
#the salt just caught up with me and now im pissed#hi welcome to what i like to call a friendly reminder that hanging out with someone just because its convenient is kind of shitty#and a less friendly reminder that talking about yourself to connect with people is an autistic trait#and an even less friendly reminder that not telling someone if theyve done you wrong and then proceeding to blow up on them is ALSO SHITTY#ESPECIALLY. WHEN. THEY THINK. YOU'RE ON GOOD TERMS. BECAUSE YOU ACTED LIKE IT AND THEY CAN'T READ YOU.#IM REALLY FUCKING MAD#I THINK I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE.#the people who actually somewhat knew me and hung out with me and were on good terms with me think the same#so like BLEH MYEH :PPPPPPPPP#like okay youre entitled to your opinions but sometimes you need to keep those to yourself#did u see me insulting u to ur face#nope i have not done even once#and thats on getting better communication skills instead of lashing out at someone for trying to fit in with your own vibes#like yeah oversharing is my deal. anybody who sees me here knows that#i bond by being open with people about who i am and what i like in the hopes that theyll do the same#if u think im just around for gaming and making silly jokes u would be wrong.#but of course nobody told me people weren't there to bond like that which in my opinion shouldnt be on me#and once again i am outcasted over something honestly kind of fucking stupid#some of the jokes i made were stupid yes but thats solely because i severely misjudged the vibes#and checks notes oh yeah nobody pulled me up for it even once.#okay so let me get this straight you barely know me and have been making assumptions about me since day one#pretty much let me believe you liked me for two whole weeks instead of asking me about things or cutting me off#and im the one who gets treated like im in the wrong? okay#this miscommunication was not my fault in the slightest and i KNOW that#if you hadve just talked to me things would be fine but theyre NOT.#if you hadve just looked at my gosh darn profile and seen im the queerest fucker around making gay and homophobic type jokes maybe you woul#have had half the mind to ask me if i could stop making those jokes!!!!!!!!!#i am not transphobic!!!!!!! I AM TRANS!! I WAS MAKING A MOCKERY OF SOME TRANSPHOBIC CULTURE I HATE!!!!#i mightve vented on main ONE TIME under the guise of a silly joke but oh my god guess what?? that was an attempt to see if anybody related.#you never liked me in the first place dont lie to yourself
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So I somehow managed to befriend bsd cosplayers on tiktok (since I am also a bsd cosplayer) and got invited to a discord server. And a lot of these people live near each other or travel there so they meet up at cons.
Now im sad because I live too far away and do not have even half the amount of money needed to travel that far let alone get into the con aha. I love eternally being sad when it comes to cosplay 👍
#crab says words#i mean like i live too far away in my own state to go to cons where i live let alone several states away#i have no local cosplay friends because i live in the middle of nowhere 😭#and the friend i use to have that did cosplay and cons with me decided they hate me and ditched me years ago#and like we were in the same con friend circles and none of them talk to me anymore so im almost certain that#they went around spreading bad rumors about me to them since i learned they did that with our local friend group too#basically spiraling for stupid reasons again dont mind me :D#maybe if i save up for like a whole year i might be able to go next year and actually have in person cosplay friends for at least three days#i miss having cosplay friends who i could be silly goofy with :(#anyways!#sorry for sadposting#im completely normal :D
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ahsgsjaugejwjg
#sh/sui warning for tags#been having a shit day and just not feeling great overall and usually drinking water and eating helps but it hasnt today :/#which means its an Actual Problem this time. like i knew it was an actual problem when i fucking cut AGAIN but idk#idk man. im just so so so scared of my friends hating me#and i know i have to see my partner again bc she is the one and only person that never ever makes me feel safe and unjudged and everything#but idk. as of right now im just not havin a great time.#like its actually so stupid the things i get upset about. there was some motivational speaker at my school today and when we got called down#to go watch the presentation i had to take like five seconds to grab my bag and phone from my desk#and my two friends got up and left together without waiting for me#and i know it wasn’t their intention and they weren’t trying to be mean or anything but man. doesnt make it hurt less yk.#and i saw some post from a guy in my school of him and his friends in the cafeteria and idk why but it made me so sad. it made me think abt#one time my friends said they wanted to walk around at lunch so i was like ok i’ll eat alone that’s fine bc i’m too disabled to walk around#the school. and then someone sent me a pic of them all eating together in the cafeteria. and i know they probably just stopped there for a#second and weren’t purposely ignoring me or anything but man that did not help yk#i want to leave them alone bc they never seem to want to talk to me but im trying to tell myself its just my mind but its so hard to#and i do love my friends and im making them seem a lot worse here than they are but its just. god im so scared.#idk. i dont actually want to die but i wish i could kms like. temporarily.#i know this is bad and manipulative but i just cant shake the want to know what would happen if i did yk. and this is a terrible train of#thought but like i want my friends to realize how scared this makes me and if i have to kms to do that. idk.#ive brought it up to them before and they pretty much told me to eat with someone else and i said i didnt have any other friends and they#kind of just said not my problem. so i dont want to bring it up again bc im mature enough to deal with my own issues and shit#it’s just hard man. i dont know how im supposed to communicate w them bc everything feels like im traumadumping on them and i dont want to#bother them. im trying to convince myself its not an issue and it doesnt actually bother me but i know it does bc i just fucking relapsed#and i had a city council thing in class today and i was the only person that was denied any funding at all and i was trying not to take it#personally and i was doing pretty good but i told my mom about it and she started defending the ppl that refused me anything and then it was#suddenly personal to me for some reason. its stupid and i know that but god that doesnt make it any better#rambles#vent
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.
#honestly they moved me to a different office right now so im not alone in my place anymore and tbh i should not be complaining bc at least#this one gets warn fast and im not in the open first to call usually and all but idk i feel like an intruder there and miss having lots of#place and the fact noone seen my screen etc and just overall i would prefer sitting next to the guys but also 😶 idk i just dont like anyone#hearing my phone calls etc and also i fucked up at work today BADLY but noone knows yet and this sounds like i fuck up a lot but i always#called the smaller mistakes this too i guess shskd also i almsof argued with a man who's our client on the phone but for gods sake i do know#i am right and idk if he's making me feel stupid or something or is he using one of my mistakes for his own good idk idk idk it will be a#nightmare to make this work now#and also we are having some kind of meeting with food etc tomorrow in the office upstairs but also rhe atmosphere is so not it and dudes not#at work tomorrow and he should be the one in there and like idk it all works like a fucked up chaos i also almost argued with the d irector#today bc of this lmao almost on dude's behalf bc tht waa the situation that pissed me off first#and i got to walk or catch a bus home tomorrow and like my mind does work so fast and keeps overthinking lately 😕#walking isnt the best best for me tbh#also i made plans with my friend and i do hope i open to her during the weekend bc i want to talk about everything so badly but at the same#time idk like i cant talk about personal things anymore (except here) she doesn't know what is making w suffer 😔#i think i made a decision about monday tho not the best one but both were bad so at least here i am...#anyone i am still helpless and that's what the sentence will end at bc i don't want to say the same thing again and again and again#anywya i have to delete this bc its too much details soon
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Got 103% on my first assignment of the semester 😎
#me last night: maybe i suck at everything and ill never be able to have a satisfying level of knowledge in any course cause maybe im stupi#stupider than i think and maybe im not physically capable of putting in the work to do well and maybe im stuck being mediocre or bad#at everything i do ever#me today: i literally got a perfect grade im so cool and smart 😎 😌#i mean the assignment was veryyyyy easy but i was expecting like 90% for some technicality in presentation#but instead i got full marks and a bonus mark for my presentation being so good :)#im taking this as a sign from the universe to NOT give up#also in talking with my bf last night i was talking about how his belief in me began to feel like a negative pressure but then i was remind#reminded about how it orginally gave me motivation (permission) to believe in myself again and try harder which like brought me back to that#that feeling rather than what my mind had twisted it to which was just what if im stuck with sucking and i actually wont be able to achieve#this potential that me AND my bf who i respect and look up to academically both believe is there#which when combined with the fact that i generally worry that i suck at things felt like ASSSSSSSSSSSS#but now im like no. i will do my best. and if that sucks then it sucks. but chances are. i dont actually suck.
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hate my autistic mind who always just wants to spend time with two people but i feel like i’m bothering them so i don’t ask them and thus i feel lonley af
#i have friends. i can make plans with them but....... theyre not The Friends right now#i want someone who vibes with me who actually would like to spend time togheter..........#i either feel like people take too much energy ffor me or yeah........#hate how my mind works. and ive always been this way and it have caused problems so i have develped an behaviour#to avoid having people get annoyed and tired of me. which is i barely at all approach them to talk first or ask to make plans#thus im so fucking lonley instead like ah. yeah i solved the problems for others but my god i'd want to spend time with my people#its stupid and i feel so BAD just asking to hang out like..... they dont want to? they'll say no. but then i'd get so anxious about asking#again so im like ..... hmmm...........#maybe i should fuck aorund and ask.... mmmm..... idk. i feel like i cant see anyone wanting to spend time with me#miranda talking shit#it just strucvk me im probably feeling this down now is bc my period is a few days away and now im like 'aha yeah probably why'#still cant decide if i should bother asking. i feel like a criminal doing it
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the worst thing about fandom: my own brain
#nisi rambles#me at my brain#shhhh let me enjoy things#my brain#shhhh people hate you and your stupid opinions never post again#like its so insaneeeeee to me how i operate#i have headcanon a#other person has headcanon b that does not go with my A headcanon#im like yeah thats cool fo rthem go them#but my brain is like#you know they HATE you for liking a?#im like i dont think so they probably also dont mind what i think#brain i s like you SURE im SURE they HATE YOU and you should NEVER talk about it AGAIN#like thats very rational of me thank you#actuall y on my main blog when there was a movie or a tv show out#i intentionally did not watch it because i was worried id have an opinion that was other than the trendy opinion and then id feel bad about#it#like uh imagine someone saying well that book you like i think it sucks#rationally someone would go ok well thats your opinion i like it#but my brain goes#they are RIGHt it SUCKS and you LIKED IT because you are TERRIBLE and STUPID#so anyway#the worst thing about fandom is my brain#HOW ARE PEOPLE CHILL ALL THE TIME HOW CAN I ACHIEVE THAT HOW
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(Out of nowhere, you are approached by a familiar lightbulb-headed Cog.)
Ah, it's you, cat. Thinking you're oh-so-slick. Muttering and whispering under those raggedy whiskers of yours... Thinking I am unable to hear it all...
Well, you've simply underestimated my fantastic hearing. You probably want to know the reason why I'm here, taking a 'break' from my incredibly important scientific breakthroughs? It's quite simple, really!
(She gets close, and squints her eyes.)
I know what you are.
Farewell, now!
(She then leaves the way she came from.)
(Spam giggles immensely, covering her face... it always seems like she's giggling, isn't she? This lasts... at least thirty seconds. Longer than usual.)
And I know what I am too, Sparky! You broke through something, that's for sure. Really, broke through...
(She looks down, continuing to laugh nervously.)
You know, I find it odd you Havent tried to bulb blast me into the stratosphere by now. I mean knowing how you acted with Frostbite. Is there something peculiar about me that you perhaps can't quite track? Something about me that you... don't know what I am?
I know, I know, I'm talking to nobody again. But you were there when I had a moment today with the one the only Frostbite The Bravecog. You may be remaining. Lurking in the shadows. Knowing about these thoughts that I'm thinking.
(The giggling resumes, lasting far shorter this time.)
Your brother's a piece of fucking barp, by the way
(She braces for impact for a few seconds, wincing while smiling, before comically looking around to realize nobody's there. She sighs.)
Wow, okay maybe toony superhero show logic doesn't apply in this situation. Cool.
WAIT I JUST FUCKING REALIZED WHAT SHE MEANT but like. Dude if she meant that then what's the point I mean the whole ahh sellbot department barping knows unless you're Really low on the ladder. Heheh... maybe she did mean what I thought she meant.
Oh i'm so fucking screwed. What kind of bitch gets filament fever
#bright spark#<- for finding this again later. haha i called her sparky#the way she talks fucking tickles my brain so much im so . ohguohguohoghog SHE#SORRY THAT THIS TOOK SO LONG you see i was in the mindset that i would do this one little thing and then i would do my work which uh.#that leads to so so SO much procrastination. including on fun things! oh so fun things.#today was an event.#i also spent quite a bit of time ruminating i “would she really say that” is worse when shes literally you#to clarify. she is spam's aunt by like. building standards. not really in her found family. so its fucked up but as i said in discord this#is like. a “your mom's kinda hot” level crush. you know. also sorry i really wanted to say filament fever its been eating at me okay#nothing SERIOUS the way my f/os (and spam's f/os (plural now?? i guess?? if today was a canon event)) are#honestly mark still feels like the only real one with her to me but damn it. if spam's reflecting My Changes then she's Reflecting My Chang#spam in toontown unlike my other sonas is the most “its just you again” out of all of them and thats partially because her main#cog connection... is frostbite. they bounce off each other like we literally bounce off each other and damn it shes been so stagnant on her#own because of it. mark happened and she mirrored that because i kept fucking talking about him while we were in character and ideally#i should TRY to fix her. but also man because i'm not doing Serious lore stuff with her i dont. even know if i want to.#i kinda brushed it over the rug by saying that she relies on her constant entertainment so readily because she herself still doesnt feel#like she has a place outside of cogs only. sure she's in high roller backstage sure she's in allan's family now but shes not Doing anything#with herself the way that her friends are. mole's a ranger. frostbite cohosts. wishes... has chip. and something she doesn't have--#living and fully growing as a toon. rather than being haphazardly slapped into a world. and in some respects she's envious of frostbite#finding themselves so quickly because she distracts herself because she's still kinda struggling with it. despite everything. yes she lives#happy and carefree a lot of the time but she keeps buying those dumb phones because when she's truly alone... her mind starts to wander.#that's what mark is for. so that spam can dream of a world where she has a purpose. even if its fake and fragile and just nothing compared#to the great friends that she already has. where she feels like its worth it doing something when she doesn't have anyone. and in that#respect. with the goons ma allan parallels in sonboy the spam cathal parallels shine. seeking tv (and to a lesser extent games) as a#method of escapism. even when one's life is already pretty good. because there's nothing else worth doing without friends or family.#the internet isn't just cool. it gives her something to be when it seems like everyone is something but her. and maybe thats a lazy#excuse for why it seems like she doesnt HAVE anything to call her own but that but damn it i'm trying my best to twist it around.#spam has such a HISTORY yknow? even if it feels like i havent established her much.#spam is the hearts to frostbite's spades not just because they're the duo of all time but because spam's fake stupid love keeps her going#sorry i just started rambling in the tags of this post about spam it. happens. she loves her friends so much i need to reiterate that okay
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i dont want to lose weight bc what if a pretty boy needs to cling to my arm or sit on my lap?? then where would they go?
#augh#heyy dont mind me. its getting into tshirt weather =w=bb#idk further weight talk in the tags beware#i genuinely do not want to lose weight. if im ever in the gym its bc i wanna build up muscle to pick up heavy things 6=w=9#like genuinely if i could go to the gym rn i fucking would bc I WANNA BE STRONGER.#but ive got too much going on with school and work already and i cant spare it mentally =w=bb#so looking out towards a calmer future where i can go it is.#sillyposting#anyway <3 im got new swimshorts bc the old ones were TOO TIGHT last year so i defo cant fit into them now.#which is fine =w=b#but it is a bit humbling to order xxl from a mens size.#i already know ive got fat legs but cmon. (ik all the bad talk is stupid but that wont stop the feeling so >:P )#anyway.#as i was trying em on (these new ones fit YIPPEEE) my mom made a comment about aforementiont big ass legs. yay =3=p#thanks. really needed that.#oh well.#but yeah that got me a lil upset again.#:P#its fiiine ill be okay <3 we will just ignore anything that might become a problem and trust that it will not get to that point o7#the voices in my head are saying something different but ive become very good at ignoring those aswell =w=bb#anyway arms and legs are really the main thing that bother me about my fat. but ill just keep thinking about levi and yakumo <333
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#this is getting a lil terrifying#like let me start by saying that of course i dont support israel disproportionally slaughtering civilians like that is insane#yes we can all agree that the 'retaliation' was taken 10000000 steps further and it's genocide at this point#but the amount of people that im seeing getting entirely too comfortable with being openly anti semitic and just generally being assholes#using the EXCUSE of being pro palestine is terrifying beside being an insult to palestinian people who are suffering#like are you really using the pain and trauma of this population to make yourself feel morally superior online#by using big words and making wild assumptions with the worst in mind about people who aren't echo-chamber-ing the same thoughts as you?#attacking strangers in a racist tone or using queerphobic attacks on them?#i'll say it again: too many people are getting comfortable using a valid cause as an excuse to be violent and aggressive dicks#all while saying that they're liberals and that they're doing this from their pov of seeking justice#yall are forgetting the socialism part of nationalsozialistiche you fucking assholes#im seeying too many people acting like theyre in the fucking hungergames and 99% are white americans im so sorry#you can and should be pro palestine without being a massive dick who is unable to interact with others in a civilised way#my god get off the internet and got talk and debate with other humans face to face#mine#text#opening fandom social media got unbearable#newsflash just bc someone has not been as blindly outspoken as you about the exact issue that you care about#in the specific way that you talk about it#does not mean that thy are a BAD PERSON do you all realise how stupid it is to LABEL SOMEONE A BAD PERSON#JUST BC THEY DIDNT ECHO YOUR THOUGHTS ON SOCIAL MEDIA#can we go back to calling people bad only after theyve ACTUALLY DONE SOMETHING GENUINELY BAD
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when my friend is at work so i cant cry in call with him !
#ngl i genuinely cant find the energy to cry . im just making issues again man its so fucking stupid . i should just kill myself#he doesnt love me and he never will and hes fucking busy playing games with other people because im constantly crying and upset#and its like he doesnt care !!!!!! who do i even talk to anymore bc this is . awful#im trying so hard . i really am but fuck when everything is going through my mind its just#i just want to apologise forever but i dont know how to show that im actually sorry#like at least my ex was straight forward with how to apologise ?? it was just 'send me photos of your cuts and i know youre sorry'#but obviously i cant do that now LMAO#maybe its better if i just message out my thoughts and send them to him but its also like . its so obvious you dont want to talk to me#me : *nearly crying and about to try and explain why im going to kms* him : awful timing but i need to leave haha i will call you back ???#like im sorry but dont even bother calling me back :)#ive been clean for 8 days . its so pathetic#i dont want to hurt myself but i literally have nothing else to help me#i dont want to be a burden im trying rlly hard to just stop how i feel and im trying to be a perfect girlfriend who is only happy#but i just cant . it is so hard when all im thinking abt is how he hates me and how i mean nothing and how im always going to be worthless#i unironically miss when it was him being upset and talking to me abt it because i wasnt the one being emotional and vulnerable#like i was just there to help and make him feel better lol#i think ill be better after i cut bc thats what happened last time so#whatever we ball#jamie.txt
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