ppl who like making friends solely with one-note cardboard boxes who will hang out with them when it's convenient and never open up about who they are as people and what their lives are like dni

Look beyond the lens

     There is a learning curve that comes with moving to LA. Between the culture shock and constant sun, you were still working on adjusting.  There were places that offered you an oasis among the hustle and bustle. The tiny coffee shop on your block, Sip and Stir, could transport you back home with one cup. It also served as your pseudo home office. Working at Unnamed Press was a dream come true. A passion for English coming to full flourish in your year there. There was hope for many more years, teetering on the cusp of a promotion.

     There were other things in LA that offered solace and happiness. You first met Matt, bumping into one another at Sip and Stir.  You had sat and chatted about all thing literary, Matt quite the bookworm himself. It was refreshing and light so when he asked to have your number there was no hesitation. The two of you talked for a while before he introduced to the entire group, who he referred to as the “vlog squad”. They embraced you with open arms, each gregarious and extroverted. The dynamic of the group surprised you. All supportive of each’s personal endeavors, willing to help out at every turn if they could, yet they were an united front.

     When you first started hanging out with everyone, there was a barrage of questions about your job. All of these people had backgrounds in some domestic job, instead turning to social media to make a living. Your face slowly became more of staple in their vlogs and pictures, especially those of Matt’s. At first, it wasn’t that concerning. You flew under the radar for the most part at work.

     Matt and you were growing closer, until it did turn into something. All your spare time was spent with him and the squad. They filled that hole that remained from leaving home. Most of the time, you sat out of certain bits. Although you knew most of it was harmless, you couldn’t risk losing your job. Zane was the first one to ask you if you considered every joining them on the wave that is living on social media.

     “Honestly, no. I mean, you all have the personality for it, but I don’t think I could survive those shark infested waters. It’s hard enough to get my writing rejected, but that’s survivable. But to have my entire life out there and letting people make their own judgement on that, I don’t think I could survive that. Plus, you’ve seen just how active I am on social media, do you think I could do it?”

     “I guess I see it. You would have to post more than once every couple of months. I think you’re one of the few remaining twenty year old’s who doesn’t share everything on Instagram.” Zane joked, turning to Matt with raised brows. “Someone else also needs to get social media more popping.”

     Matt retorts, “I survive off you, David, and y/n. I do not need to share everything.” Crossing his arms, he turns to share a knowing look with me.

      “Zane, I am happy that you find purpose in sharing from screen to screen, but that’s why I write. I guess I worry sometimes that places won’t work with me or even think about publishing me if they see me plastered on the internet. And that would crush me.” You explain.

      “Share some of your wisdom with me before you let me get a stupid tattoo and drunk on David’s vlog next time.” Zane kids.

      As the weeks turned to months, things at work got crazier. More responsibilities and less time off, often times working right through the weekend. You mulled Zane’s question around in your mind. Never once did you fully consider it but you had to admit you thought about it. The promotion was right around the corner. You hoped they saw just how hard you were working for, just how dedicated you were. The director told you take the weekend off, deliberation was Monday, so that must mean something good, right?

      You were floating on clouds, even surrounded by plastered squad members at David’s that night. Matt and you were off to the side, chatting and sharing a drink. You weren’t intent on getting drunk, not even buzzed. The two of you content to remain in just one another’s company.

              It all happened in quick succession, over in a blink of an eye. Neither you or Matt could quite figure out what happened. Punches were thrown, cuss words spat, and light fixture broken. Heath stomps to the front door, swaying and slurring. Zane sat on the couch, split eyebrow and screaming. The situation needed to be diffused quickly.

              Rushing over, you grab Heath by the arm, hoping to stop him from leaving.

              “God, y/n would you stop acting like the mother? Get off me.” Heath spits out, lightly shoving you away.

              “Heath, you’re way to drunk to drive, let alone leave by yourself. Come sit with Matt and I.” Attempting to coax him back inside.

              “Why would I want to sit with you? You act like your better than us all because “you write for living”.” He says with air quotes. That one stung.

              “Matt, a little help here.” Turning to catch Matt’s eye, you practically beg. Then you see David with his camera trained on you two. “Can you not do that right now?” That was the first and the last time you every asked him to not record something.

              “Oh come on y/n, you know he’s saying that just because he’s drunk.” David replied, rolling his eyes, but not turning the camera away.

              “Matt, please. David, I won’t ask again.” I cautioned. Heath pushes fully away from me, making a break for the door. Anger boils in you for the whole situation. David not respecting your one request, Heath’s drunken confession, the unfairness of dealing with this situation.

              “Heath, I swear to God, you had better get in here and sit down. I am not fucking around anymore. This is no longer funny. You have ruined tonight. You two Zane. Now, Dave, put down the camera and help me.” You sneer.

              Turning around, the entire squad is silent, watching you with surprise. Heath slinks past you, plopping himself down on the couch. Scotty walks over to Zane and Heath, handling the situation on his own. Both anger and hurt were billowing inside you. If Heath made that admission drunk, did he believe that sober? Suddenly you felt like an outcast.

              Turning, you look at David standing there, camera still rolling. “None of this can go in the vlog.” You put simply.

              “I don’t think you get to make that call.” He rebuked.

              Pinching the bridge of your nose, you take a deep breath. “David, this is my first request. I let all that other stuff slip through the cracks. This though,” you wave your hands around,” is a reflection of my personal life. My bosses can see this. This might not seem like a big deal to you. A drunken blow up, but it paints me as irresponsible and unprofessional. So, no this won’t go in the vlog.” You threatened, assuming the argument had been dropped.

              You knew it wasn’t when you got called into the director’s office at work Monday. The director sat with disdain in her eyes and an unsettling cold demeanor.

              “Here at Unnamed Press, we strive for professionalism and integrity. We push all of our employees to explore their creative and continue to strive for their personal goals and endeavors. However, you have chosen some outside of our preferred set.” She declared.

              Your heart was in your throat, blood draining from your face, disbelief settling in your bones. He wouldn’t, he couldn’t. But he did. She turned her laptop to face you and plastered on the screen was David’s vlog, paused but with me in full frame.

              “I can explain, really. You have to understand that it was a misunderstanding. I’ll have him take this down right away. I am devoted to this job, please.” You pleaded, knowing right where she was going with this.

              “I am sorry, but it has already caused quite the influx of people bashing the business. I let a lot of the other stuff go because it was mostly harmless, but this, is focused on you. I really wish things were different.” She relented.

              “I’ll pull back, I’ll remove my face from everything associated with them. Please, I need this job. I love this job.”

              “We can’t have people who are associated with something like this representing us. The backlash is simply to great. You of all people should know this kind of attention isn’t going to die down anytime soon.”

              The tears were pricking your eyes. You knew there was no arguing it. “I am sorry.” You whispered before slipping out. Walking right past your desk and out the door, anger was overtaking the hurt. Striding to your car, climbing in, and closing the door. You screamed, hands bashing against the steering wheel. One request, that wasn’t too much to ask. You contemplated calling Matt, but he was already at David’s. You would set this straight.

              A million things crossed your mind on the way to David’s. Some malicious, some trying to see his side, some an acceptance of what happened. Mostly, you felt betrayed. You lost your dream job, a dent in your career. A blow that would last forever. You couldn’t talk your way out of it. You were a joke to the director now, all because you were in some video on the internet. You know that they say the thing so the internet will haunt you forever.

              Pulling in his drive, there were a couple of cars here. Matt’s, Heath’s, and Zane’s. I guess they all played a bit of roll.

              You walked to the front door, not even bothering to knock. Walking past the entry way, they all sat on the couches. Matt was the first one to notice you. “Y/n, what are you doing here? Short day at work?” he asked, smiling. David looked up at the mention of your name, guilt already on his face.

              “Why don’t we ask David? Wait, that does nothing. He’ll ignore it anyway.” You spit.

              “Y/n, let me explain.” He pleaded.

              “No David, let me explain. I lost my job because of you. Did you ever think of that consequence? I asked you not to include it for that exact reason. But you did it anyway.” You hissed.

              “It was a 30 second clip, I cut out the worst parts.” David insisted.

              “Are you even listening to yourself? Dave, I asked, I begged you. I lost my job. Did you even hear that? It doesn’t matter that you cut out the worst parts! They still deemed me unprofessional. The director even brought up all the other shit you’ve posted. Not all of us live on social media David. At least not like you do.” You huffed, chest heaving.

              “You can get another job. It’s not like you can’t go write anywhere. Plus, you could have removed yourself from the situation.” David cheeked, rolling his eyes.

              “Could you for once look beyond that fucking camera lens. You cost me my job. You put a stain on my career. I tried to explain to her it was a joke, but I was the joke. She had mind made up before I even walked in there. Do you not understand that? You aren’t even listening to me.” Heath and Zane both stood, clearly ready to try and make amends. “You two had better sit back down. You are just at fault. I think I am so high and mighty, right? You ruined that for me. You took that away in some drunken night that I didn’t even want to be a part of. Dave, I wish I never met you. It was one request. And now I’ve lost everything. Why are you acting like this isn’t a big deal? Does this mean nothing to you?”

              “Honestly, no. I have to make a living just like you. I am sorry that you lost your job, sure. But that wasn’t my fault. Excuse yourself. You knew what you were getting into.”

              The tears rain down your cheeks at his admission. “OK. This is me removing myself from the situation.” You mumbled before walking out his house.

Brightside 1

Oh my Slys I get to share my Mexican culture with y'all , if you have any questions go ahead and ask me! By the way 'Conchita' refers to this delicious Hispanic sweet bread(Search up conchas) I recommend to taste one if you ever see it they are a blessin'!Oh and I don't own the video lol

Chapter 1 title-

I LIVED BITCH 

(ʏ/ɴ) ɪᴛᴜʀɪᴇʟ ᴘᴏᴠ

If I could ever choose between being BrightSide and (Y/N) Ituriel aka the daughter of the evil villain Black Hat, hands down it'd be Brightside. Well if it isn't obvious enough, life isn't so great when being an Ituriel and being me, either. Besides the fact that I literally get ignored by everyone in Bright Lake City, I'm the biggest outcast. Por Dios! Even the outcast, outcast me. Well, there's a few people who just are okay with my existence even if they think I work for my dad secretly, which I don't. You must be asking why I bother protecting them when some are against me but I know deep down or high above they are nice, they just don't know how to handle things like this right, that what my beloved mother told me and I believe it. I've seen people being kind and people have been kind at times towards me! Once an old lady bought me a churro for telling her the directions to a bank! That was nice. Might be a small gesture but not everything small is nothing. So I have taught myself to be a true hero when I discovered my powers. The Black Hat Organization can never know about me being BrightSide! If they did, father would probably use me as his successor for evil.

Not that I ask for much but their is times I wish people would shine a bit of light towards (Y/N) Ituriel. Like that churro time. Well currently I am done with being (Y/N) Ituriel the nerd/geek!

I spin around in my chair seeing all the nice colours of my room. Some decorations here and there amd my comfy bed and all. Posters of other heroes (Even myself posing awesomely I must say.) Life was... not okay. 

Mom...I miss you...I-I.. don't know if I can go on....I..Must be strong for you...

Ring!!!

I get up from the chair, wiping the supposed to be tears. While of course, groaning

I almost tripped on my way but managed to open the door not hurt, but then grow to regret it. 

FUCKING KICKING-OUT-OF-YOUR-APARTMENT-GUY IS HERE!

"Um...uh...Usted es (Y/N) Ituriel?"

"Uh no speak espanol." I said nervously.

"Are you (Y/N) Ituriel?"

( I remember I said this to my sister, she's like stfu yes you do bish)

"......Pas parler  anglais...." I said in French *No speak english

"Êtes-vous (Y/N) Ituriel..." 

"Damn boy, you are very skilled but no. I am not (Y/N) Ituriel I am... Natasha Romanoff." I said putting my hand on my hip.

The guy sighed. "Why do I even bother... Boys get her off."

Well shit...

❽:❶��� PM

I can't believe I helped them kick me out, or it was probably the fact that I didn't want them to touch my books, posters, hero figurines and etc. Sighed. At least I didn't have much, only the stuff in my room and a small table... nevermind that small table was own by the people. I only had a cup of ramen and my free WcDonalds  cup, that had a hero on it. So I only have two suitcases, a back-pack, and a bag that held 2 important things. I sat on a bench at a lonely and not really safe park. Yeah I can protect myself but I risk my identity, it is now the most important thing to me since, I no longer have what used to be the most important person with me. 

You do have a choice...

"What?"

You could go to you know who...

"Hell no! He is my enemy!"

But that's the only choice you have...Besides you can't live on that dry cup of ramen for the whole day! 

"Oh just you wait! I can survive on this!"

No you can't! It is cold and there is creepy dudes! Besides, you don't have money.

"I ain't listening you stupid thing!"

Bitch please, you're talking to yourself. You'll just end up with paranoia or crazy like now! Or creep people out and be convinced that you are going crazy like Black Hat went!

"Whu-!" I look up to see people staring at me wide eye and creeped out, talking some smack. I just glare but end up ignoring them. 

I sighed. My hand turning into a fist. 

I have to put my selfishness away... If I keep going like this mom wouldn't be happy and I need to be healthy to be Brightside and continue my studies...

I pull out my black flip phone, seeing the very few contacts I had. Then it landed on the last name : Cntbelivimhisspermcell. I breathe deeply and press call, the phone starts ringing.

"Hello, Black Hat Organization. How may I help you?"

"Giving the phone to the demon asshole."

(Time Skip)

Current destination - Black Hat House

"So...are you Black Hat's daughter?" 

I currently have my second, third and the bear in front of me. Did I mention that I am tied up and being held in a dark lab? Yeah It's pretty cold but chill in here.

Lizard lady aka Demencia who has broken my bones and giving me injuries asked me, if I am Black Hat's daughter, when I am literally infamous for being so. I sighed rolling my eyes. I'm even on the news and every where dude.

"Demencia are you always an idiot? Of course she is the daughter of Black Hat Sir!"Dr.Flug said.

"Well if you're intelligent with that handsome brain of yours why don't you let me go, huh?"I told him but then when I realized what I said, I regret it.

THAT'S SOMETHING BRIGHTSIDE WOULD SAY!!!! MALDITA IDIOTA!

Dr.Flug noticed what I said and turn to glare at me while squinting his eyes. Demencia and 505 don't notice this. I smiled falsely. 

"What's with the glare? I got somethin' in my face?"

The glare went away but I could feel the tension between us, thankfully Demencia cut in.

"I guess people who are related to Black Hat are very good looking, huh?"Demencia said in a flirtish tone. Then her eyes turned to hearts. "Imagine the children we would make!"She laughed crazily. 

Dr.Flug just sighed rolling his eyes, saying something under his breath. Demencia then looks at me, leaning in her palm and wiggling her eyebrows.

"I guess I'll try getting one of the hearts of the Ituriel's. Garrrrrrrr!~"

I shiver at this comment.

"I will take this 'love confession' kindly since it is my first but....um."I honestly don't have any ideas on how to reject her kindly, I've never had to deal with a situation like this. Honestly I'm just in pure confusion. Then I thought of a way." Eh..We can still be friends though." I said smiling shyly and blushing.

505 found this adorable some how and 'awed'.

"....This adorableness...IS A MENACE!!!AHHHHH!!!" She lizard her way out. I just sat there confuse.

Finally, Dr.Flug stood up and turned on the lights which took me a while to adjust to. Dr.Flug looked at me. 505 smiled so pure.

"Welcome to your new home, Miss (Y/N) Ituriel..."It sounded so welcoming. I am guessing Demencia must be a real pain.

(Time Skip)

After being untied by Dr.Flug, he started to show me around the mansion(Or house?) I then felt the need to apologize for my attitude because I am (Y/N), somebody that isn't Brightside I also had to clear up the suspicion. I tap his shoulder and look up/forward at him.

"Hey I'm very sorry for how I acted. I shouldn't have been rude, besides it wasn't you who tied me up and tried to go detective on me, haha.''I said scratching the back of my neck nervously. "So, can we start all over again?" I said holding my hand up.

Dr.Flug looked at my hand and calmly shook my hand.

"Hello! My name is (Y/N) Ituriel and you are?"

"Dr.Flug Slys, pleased to meet you Miss Ituriel."

We let go.

I smiled and shake my head. "There's no need to call me Miss, just (Y/N) is fine."

He nodes, I can feel the smile under the bag. 

"I will show you your room."He says.

While we walk around I see many paintings of that demon asshole, it feels like he's watching our many moves. While doing so I hear a voice, a voice of a terrible creature.

"Dr.Flug what is important that you had needed to ca-"Black Hat couldn't finish his words as one of his paintings went through his head. "WHAT!?!?!?!?!"Black Hat looks around to see who it was and when his eyes landed on me his eyes widen.

"I lived bitch."

-------------------------------------------

Please tell me you guys are enjoying it so far, although there hasn't been much (Y/N) X Dr.Flug action in here, I swear I will update soon my dears!

Lights, Sound, Screwdriver! | Chapter 2

Max and El had simply been minding their own business in study hall when in front of them who should appear but Troy Harrington.

“Hey, Mayfield, you free this Saturday?”

Max groaned and slammed her head down on her history textbook. “Why, Harrington?”

He smirked. “It’s time for that date, baby.”

Max buried her head further into the pages. “I’ve told you no a million times, can you just fuck off already?”

Troy came closer. “I could fuck you, instead,” he leered. That was El’s breaking point. She had been fingering the screwdriver in her pocket ever since she’d seen Troy enter the library, just knowing he was going to come bother them.

“Or you could fuck off instead, just like Max said,” she answered, standing to her full height and holding her arms out threateningly.

Troy scoffed at her. “Or what?”

El whipped the screwdriver from her pocket and in an instant Troy was bent over clutching his stomach, wheezing. “Or that. Your choice.” She sat back down and put the tool away.

Troy looked up at her with something akin to terror in his eyes. “You crazy bitch! She stabbed me! You freak! She stabbed me!” He cried. Mr. Kowalski, the librarian, came over to shush them.

“Mr. Harrington, what is going on? You need to be quiet!”

“She stabbed me! With a screwdriver!” He motioned to El. Max had yet to remove her face from her textbook.

Mr. Kowalski looked over his glasses at the girl. “Is this true, Miss Hopper?”

She shrugged. “He deserved it,” she answered defiantly.

The old man’s face darkened. “Go to the office. Now.”

“I’ll be back later,” El said, patting Max’s shoulder. Max nodded, head still down.

“Miss Hopper!”

She held her hands up. “I’m going! Geez, get your panties out of that knot, will ya?”

She could hear him grumbling about kids and their disrespect for authority all the way to the door. Maybe you should pay more attention to these stupid boys and their disrespect for women! Troy so deserved what he got.

Upon entering the office, El saw that other than the secretary, there was one other person there, and it was Mike Wheeler. She knew him from classes they’d shared and from the one time Hopper had brought a crying little blonde girl into the station and Mike had come flying inside in a panic, looking for his sister.

Ever since the first day of eighth grade, El had thought he was cute. She had seen him in the hall at the start of the day and she recognized him in her homeroom and third period class by his sweater (it was kind of hideous, but he somehow made it work). Over the years, they had had several classes together, and he was a student that was very engaged in the classes he liked, so she got to hear him speak a lot. He was enthusiastic and compelling, able to make even the most boring topic sound interesting. She could have listened to him talk for hours; she liked his voice that much. And sometimes she caught him watching her, and when she did he would look away as if he’d been burned (it made her feel fuzzy).

Of course, Max only knew that El thought he was cute and had somewhat of a crush on him. If Max knew the whole extent of El’s feelings about this Mike, she would never let up on the teasing. El had already made that mistake with Hopper because she was very blunt and told things as they were, so when he asked her about school she had told him all about this kid she was so interested in, and after that he would randomly ask for updates on the situation. El would always duck her head in embarrassment and mumble about how he would never like a girl like her.

She was an outcast, she supposed. She liked to wear black and all her jeans were ripped, and she carried around weapons of varying bluntness to stab deserving people. Her only real friend was Max, who no one really liked either because she didn’t try to fit in with most of the other girls in their grade. She was a skateboarder who liked the arcade and forest adventures.

Hopper would always try to cheer her up when she got like that, reminding her that she was wonderful the way she was, and if a boy couldn’t see that then he wasn’t worth it.

Either way, El was now confronted with two options: ignore him, or take the opportunity presented and finally talk to him. Suck it up, Hopper, she thought, before taking the seat next to him and speaking.

“So what are you in for?” She asked, trying to sound nonchalant. Be confident! She felt like her stomach was about to erupt with nervousness.

Mike looked at her and then looked behind him, as if she was talking to someone else. “M-me?”

“Yes, you, who else would I be talking to?” Shit, was that too forceful?

He looked like he was a little scared by her, which she could understand but which also made her a little sad. Was she really that intimidating? “I-I don’t know. Um, they just want to know if it’s cool if I miss my classes tomorrow to run sound and lights for a presentation in the auditorium.” Ah yes, sound and lights. El also knew that he was president of their school’s AV club.

She nodded, of course he wouldn’t have gotten in trouble for anything. He was a model student. “Cool.”

“What are you in for?” She didn’t know how to answer, because she didn’t want to scare him off or something, but she also didn’t like lying.

“I stabbed a kid with a screwdriver.”

His eyes widened. “We lead very different lives, then.”

Shit, I just blew it. “That we do.”

“Well I’m sure he deserved it. What’d he do?” Wait a minute, he was actually agreeing with her? It seemed he wasn’t weirded out by her slight violent tendencies after all.

“Existed, in front of me,” she said sarcastically. Okay, now he looks scared. “I’m kidding! He was being a dick. Troy Harrington, you know him?”

Mike inhaled. “You bet. Biggest asshole this side of Indiana.”

El almost laughed. Good, she and Max weren’t the only ones with that opinion of Troy. “Well, he was trying, once again, to ask my friend Max on a date. She’s told him no about a thousand times, honestly, when will he get the point? So, I stabbed him and he went crying to Kowalski like the little baby that he is.”

Mike snorted and she felt a sense of pride at him having found her story amusing. She suddenly felt very comfortable. She wasn’t afraid of him being scared of her now that he had almost laughed.

“Sounds like he did deserve it, after all. Why’d you have a screwdriver?”

El looked him directly in the eyes, which was hard but worth it because his eyes were so pretty. It also added to the drama of her next statement. “To stab people who deserve it.”

“Half this school is screwed, then,” he sighed, slumping down a little bit and glancing at her as if to gauge her reaction to what he’d said.

Did he just- AAAAAAAA HE TOLD ME A JOKE! She started giggling. “Oh my god, did you really just make that joke?”

“Sorry, was it lame?” Now he looked disappointed, as if his joke hadn’t worked.

“A little. But it was cute.” Now or never, Ellie. “You’re cute.” She steeled herself for a weird look or a swift rejection, but instead Mike just started blushing violently.

“I am?” How is he unaware of his own cuteness?

She nodded, now trying to appear confident and suave but really trying not to squeal because he was BLUSHING at her compliment. “I’ve always thought you were cute. Max thinks I’m insane, but I guess it’s good ‘cause that means I have less competition.”

“You what?” He asked faintly. Shit, was that too far? Oh god, why am I like this.

El was saved from having to answer by the vice principal coming out of his office and calling Mike. A few minutes after, the principal called her into his office, gave her the usual stern look, then told her she had detention after school and let her go.

She was sad that Mike wasn’t out yet, but also giddy that she had finally managed to talk to him and she didn’t think it had gone too badly. On her way back to study hall, she stopped at Mike’s locker, suddenly having an idea and another burst of confidence. She was having a lot of those today, wasn’t she?

On a piece of ripped out notebook paper, she scrawled her house number and under it she wrote:

Call me. Be prepared, you might get my dad haha

xoxo JH

El almost wrote EH as her initials, but then she remembered that Mike didn’t know her nickname was El or that she went by it, he probably only knew her as Jane.

She could only hope that he had liked Jane enough to call her.

EDance

Once an EDancer, always an EDancer!

This is gonna be a long, heartfelt post with loads of pictures!

Okay, so this kinda happened at the same time with the previous post. Due to the merger, my old dance team had to merge with FBS’ dance team, too. It was actually more convenient since we shared the same coach, and FBS’ dance team was super famous at the time that you gotta go through auditions first! We were given the opportunity to join the team without audition since you know, everyone wished students from FBS would be friends with the ex-STiBA.

Long story short, my original team mates fell back one by one, I never knew the real reasons —I was the outcast, remember?- but they just gradually stopped showing up at the practice, leaving me and one other girl. Well, I have always had the personality when I’m kinda reserved and shy at first before opening up and be a total lunatic. But honestly, I stayed for the dance. I didn’t know any of these guys, we weren’t “friends” yet, the people I knew started disappearing, yet if I wanted to follow them (later, they revived the old dance team as an independent group), like, I didn’t get along with them anyway? So I had nothing to lose, and I just had fallen in love with streetdancing  —eventho my hip-hop sucks ass!

I think it started to come together when one of the senior on the team asked me to join them to enroll in a competition. I was very excited. Although, honestly speaking, I had lots of difficulties catching up. This team was the team, you know, the people that just blended so well with good chemistry and all? I was an outsider, both to the team habits and choreo. I remember we only had about a week to train for the competition, and I was working my ass off so hard that I didn’t have time to think about being an outcast again. I just wanted to give it my all and not making the team looked silly on stage!

That was my very first competition with EDance. I hated the picture back then (because I was still white-washed and despised my tan skin) but now when I’m looking at it, fuck, I look alright! I mean, there weren’t any high-quality phone camera back then so we couldn’t do the tone justice, but right now all I can think about is how proud I am of myself. I started gotten into make up (and because I didn’t have many friends, I had lots of time practicing make up in my room) and it helped me bonding with the other members. I’m very grateful for the people in the picture: Ninit & Tepi who gave me the chance, Ko Allen who kept dancing with me until he graduated, and even Hezky who became a really good friend and still danced with me until when we both lived in Bali. Oh, and we won the thing! Not bad for a first-timer, huh?

As the official dance team of the faculty, EDance also performed in every single faculty party (re: the opening/closing celebration), including LoVED and EDO. It was my first time performing with such a big crew —EDance had twice the numbers of my first dance team- and it was such a different experience! I wasn’t particularly a fan of a megacrew performance but holy cow, there are things that can only look good when performed with a big crew! I’m beyond blessed to learn it with EDance.

On my second year dancing —third year in Uni- it was time for my generation (re: batch) to take over the leadership in the organization. I wasn’t elected or something, but by that time, I have grown so close to Elevernes that we basically became a whole squad, and we kinda have big influence on each other, and to the team. That year, our coach stepped down because he wanted to pursue formal career, so we found a new one. It was my best friend's boyfriend —then, ex now- The new coach brought a whole new flavor to our dance team, we went from full-blown hip-hop to more of girl’s hip-hop and then, slutty (LOL!) depending on the personality of the team. 

I’d say it was the beginning our my golden era of dancing. I moved out to the same boarding house with my best friends, which were also my dance team mates, and we spent many hours practicing for fun, watching dance videos, and basically just being excited for performing and enrolling competitions. EDance was at the peak of its time, we had the best dancers in the University, having the same vision and mission, the crazy fearless attitude, and just the same level of passion for dancing. We basically invented the trend of sexy and fierce girls-style dance in the city (it was a small city, so it wasn’t that great, but also because it was such a small city and everyone knows everyone else, it was pretty cool) because the core team of the crew were the same students from our batch, Eleveners, who just had the same vibration for that particular dance style.

Sadly, all good things must come to and end. And I regret that my end at EDance wasn’t a pleasant one. I started dating this guy and he gradually become very toxic and abusive that I was utterly gas-lighted and was too scared to leave his side.He told me he didn’t like my friends from the dance team and wanted me to hang out with them less (I ended up spending 24/7 with him for more than a year!). There were some moments when I felt like I gotta choose between dancing and my boyfriend, and my insecure-stupid ass chose the latter. I grew distant from my friends, and eventually I neglected dancing.

The turning point was when I, as a member of the “core” team, was offered to join a competition, and I had no hesitation to refuse it. But along the way, my boyfriend was getting more and more intimidating that I was too scared to leave him alone (coz I felt like he’d cheat on me if I didn’t stick around), and I ghosted my friends. I kept justifying my action telling myself —and some other friends- that I couldn’t join the competition because I had a final exam. It wasn’t entirely a lie, because I did have final exam, but deep down I knew what pissed my friends off was my ghosting, the fact that I ignored them and let them freak out on the last minute. It was one of my life regrets. 

After that incident, I only showed up for one more project, a dance video produced by the faculty’s filmography club. My relationship with my friends was already bad, most of them stopped talked to me, and I even got unofficially “kicked out” from the core team. I was in a weak mental state — from both the dating abuse and the guilt- and I thought to myself that I couldn’t go on like this. So the next semester, on the last year of my university life, I stopped coming to the practice.

I truly wished things went differently from how it was. EDance was the first true dance family that I had, it will always be the highlight of my life, and sometimes I’m so angry at myself for being so unreasonably stupid at that time. But you know, we all struggle with different demons inside, and I’m just the kind of person who needed to be thrown down to thrive, so I guess I deserved that. I am now in good relationships with all my EDance friends, time indeed had healed us, however, I think I do owe them a huge apology for my actions. Although I was hurting, I had no right to ruin their joys either. 

So yeah, that’s how my EDanceperience went by, it’s been eight years since I first found by this family, but I will always be an EDancer at heart, forever. 

Get To Know Me!!! A Little Too Well

1. Name: Nicole 2. Nickname(s): Nik, Nikki 3. Birthday: June 21 4. That makes you: 18 5. Where were you born: Nebraska 6. Location right now: Same place 7. Shoe size: 7 8. How many piercings?: None 9. Tattoos?: None, but I'd love a few <3 10. When you wake up you're: Confused and even more tired 11. When your about to sleep you're: Wide awake 12. Zodiac sign: Cancerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr/Gemini 13. Chinese sign: Rabbit 14. Righty or Lefty: Righty 15. Innie or Outie: Innie 16. School: Out of school :P Section Two: Looks 17. Nationality: White 20. Weight: 110 lbs 21. Height: 5'6 22. Braces? No 23. Glasses? Yes Section Three: Private Life 24. Do you have a boy/girlfriend? I do! 25. If so, who? The love of my life, Nate 26. If not, do you have a crush on someone? My boyfriend 27. Who has a crush on you? No one haha 28. Ever cheated on your bf/gf? Nope 29. Who was your first kiss: Nate, he kisses pretty good 30. Who was your last kiss: Nate <3 31. Are you a virgin? Yes 32. Ever had a threesome before? No 33. NQ- Ever been swarmed by ladybugs?: Nope 34. Have you ever been in love? Yes 35. Broken any hearts? Not that I know of 36. Got your heart broken? Quite a few times 37. Ever liked a friend? Yea 38. What happened? We started dating

Section Four: Past Relationships 39. How many relationships have you been in? 1 40. How many were serious enough to count: I'm in it 41. Who were those serious ones: I've only been in 1 42. NQ- Who USED to be your best friend: Well, he's still my best friend so 43. What made them different: Nothing 44. What happened: We started dating 45. Best boy/girlfriend: The one I'm dating 46. Worst boy/girlfriend: N/A 47. Ever been kissed: Yes 48. Who do you want back: No one 49. What do you regret: Focusing too much on guys 50. Why? Because I would've done so much better in school Section Five: Favourites 51. Song: Sound of Silence 52. Movie: Zootopia 53. Food: Anything really 54. Drink: Apple Juice 55. Store: Gamestop and Hot Topic 56. Television show: Stranger Things and Mom 57. Holiday: Christmas 58. Book: Grace Lost Series 59. Ice cream: Mint Chip 60. Sweets: Chocolate 61. Crisps: Doritos Jacked 62. Type of music: Pretty much every genre 63. Artist: Singer is Luke Bryan, Painter is Bob Ross 64. Word: Loquacious, vernacular 65. Time of day: Evening/night 66. Dressing: Ranch 67. Alcoholic drink: Don't drink 68. Colour(s): Blue, Red, Black, and White 69. Piece of clothing: Beanie 70. Character: My fursona 71. Smell: Fresh rainfall 72. Shampoo: Fructis 73. Soap: Fructis 74. Smiley: >3 75. Board game: Too many tbh 76. Sport: Soccer 77. Number: 5 78. Quote: "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." Franklin D. Roosvelt 79. Animal: Wolf 80. Actor: Ryan Reynolds/Chris Pratt 82. Vegetable: Sugar snap peas 83. Fruit: Grapes 84. Place to be: In my room 85. Thing in your room: Pictures 86. Gum: 5-gum 87. Shape: Circle 88. Country: Europe 89. Mall: Any mall 90. Car: 67 Chevy Impala 91. Boy's name: Christopher 92. Girl's name: Chrissy 93. Family member: My brothers and my dad 94. Restaurant: Johnny Carinos 95. Movie place: The theater 96. Person to go to the movies with: Myself 97. Noise: Falling rain 98. Brand of Shoe: Airwalks 99. Brand of clothing: Aeropostle 100. Body part of a chicken: Thigh 101. Swear word: Asshat 102. Month: December 103. Possession: My ring 104. Team: Don't have a favorite 105. Season: Winter 106. Radio station: Pop station 107. Magazine: Don't read them 108. Favourite grade: Senior year 109. Least favourite grade: 5th grade 110. Teacher: Kindergarten 111. Least favourite teacher: Math teacher in 5th grade, he was a douche 112. Subject: Art/Choir 113. Subject to talk about: Anything and everything Section Six: Family 114. Who's your mum?: Not here 115. Who's your dad?: My role model 116. Any step-parents?: Yea, had a few 117. Any brothers?: 2 118. Any Sisters?: Nope 120. Coolest: Older brother 121. Loudest: Me 122. Best relative: My cousin 123. Worse relative: No one 124. Do you get along with your parents? My dad, yea 125. With your siblings? Mostly, we game with each other 126. Does anyone understand you? Yea 127. Do you have any pets? Nah 128. If so, what kind and name? 129. If not, what do you want as a pet? I want another dog, we had to get rid of ours Section Seven: School 131. Are you still in school? Nope 132. Did you drop out?: 2.75, I didn't pay attention freshman and sophomore year 133. Your current GPA: No thanks 134. Do you buy or bring lunch?: School bill paid for it 135. ABC's?: Know them 136. Favorite class: Choir and art 137. Play any sports at school?: Played soccer 138. Are you popular? With the outcasts 139. Favourite memory: Being the only girl good at soccer 140. Most humiliating moment: Falling in front of my close guy friends 141. Most funniest moment: Hitting someone in the face with a soccer ball 142. Most scared moment: Graduating Section Eight: What do you think of when you hear 145. Chicken: Bawk bawk 146. Dog: Soft puppy 147. Christina Aguilera: Music 148. Ricky Martin: Who? 149. 50 cent: Rapper 150. Poop: Emoji 151. Beach: Sand 152. Dessert: Cactus 153. Water: Blue 154. Osama: Bin Laden 155. Love: Life 156. Your little brother: Xbox One 157. Butt: Nice 158. Clowns: Pennywise 159. Wonder: Over Yander 16o. Brown: Pants 161. Banana: Yum 162. Sex: Rope 163. Parents: One 164. Homosexuals: Jensen and Jared 165. God: Father Section Nine: Do you believe in 166. God: Yes 167. Heaven: Yes 168. Devil: Yes 169. Hell: In a sense 170: Boogey man: No 171. Closet Monsters: Nah 172. Fortune telling: Nope 173. Magic: Nuh uh 174. Love at first sight: Depends 175. Ghosts: Nope 176. Voo-doo dolls: Nah 177. Reincarnation: Nope 178. Yourself: Ehh, not really Section Ten: Do you 179. Smoke: And kill my lungs? No thanks 180. Do drugs: Pfft, why would I? 181. Drink alcohol: Again, I'm not trying to die at a young age 182. Cuss: Yea 183. Sing in the shower: Sometimes... 184. Like school: Yea, it was the best place to be! 185. Want to get married: Mhmm, and I'm glad I found someone 186. Type with all of your fingers: Not really 187. Think you're attractive: Most days 188. Drink and drive: Fuck this 189. Snore: Sometimes 190. Sleep walk: Nope 191. Like watching sunrises and sunsets: Best place to be honestly Section Eleven: Have you ever 192. Flashed someone: On accident 193. Gotten so drunk til you threw up everywhere: I don't drink 194. Told that person how you felt: Yep 195. Been arrested: Nope 196. Gone to jail or juve: No 197. Skateboarded: Yes 198. Skinny dipped: In a bath 199. Rock climbed: Do it every summer 200. Killed someone: Nope 201. Watched porn: Nah 202. Gone on a road trip: Kinda 203. Went out of the country: Nah 204. Talked back to an adult: Yes 205. Broken a law: Nope 206. Got pulled over: Don't drive 208: Cried to get out of trouble: I don't usually do anything bad 209. Let a friend cry on your shoulder: I'm supposed to, I'm there to listen 210. Kissed a brother's or sister's friend: No 211. Kissed a friend's brother or sister: No 212. Dropped something on the floor and let someone eat it anyways: Nah, I usually eat it 213. Mooned someone: Yes, once 214. Shop-lifted: No 215. Worked at McDonald's: No thank you 216. Eaten a dog: A hot dog! 217. Give money to a homeless person: Yea, I've fed them too 218. Glued your hand to yourself: Yes 219. Kissed someone of the same sex: Playing Pocky 220. Had a one night stand: I have two right beside my bed 221. Smoked: Nope 222. Done drugs: No 223. Lose a friend because of your ex: I don't have any exes 224. Slap someone for being stupid: Yes 225. Had cyber sex: Sexted?? Kinda 226. Wish you were the opposite sex: A lot more often than I should sometimes. But for completely different reasons 227. Caught someone doing something: Yea 228. Played a game that removes clothing: Strip truth or dare ;) 229. Cried during a movie: All the damn time 230. Cried over someone: It's hard not to when you can't have an actor love you 231. Wanted to hook up with a friend: Yea, and I did 232. Hooked up with someone you barely met: Nah 233. Ran away from home: Nope 234. Cheated on a test: Once Section Twelve: Would you 235. Bungee jump: Nope 236. Sky dive: Hate heights 237. Swim with dolphins: Yes 238. Steal a friend's bf or gf: That goes against girl code 239. Try to be the opposite sex: No 240. Lie to the police: Hi officer my real name is Nicholas... Cage 241. Run from the police: No 242. Lie to your parents: Done it before 243. Backstab a friend for your own well being: That's just plain rude 244. Be an exotic dancer: Only for my boyfriend <3 245. NQ- Kill the president: Nah Section Thirteen: Are you 246. Shy: Yes, especially around new people 247. Loud: Extremely 248. Nice: I try to be 249: Outgoing: I fake being outgoing haha 250: Quiet: Yea 251. Mean: Depends, I'm mean to those I like 252. Emotional: Sad to say, but yea 253. Sensitive: Mhmm 254. Gay: I'm very happy 255. Strong: I wish, need to start working out 256. Weak: Yea 257. Caring: Yes, especially towards animals 258. Dangerous: Well, does this include caving? 259. Crazy: Uh huh 260. Spontaneous: I am the most random and spontaneous thing out there 261. Funny: I try to be, I fail at it 262. Sweet: To eat ;) 263. Sharing: With most things, but not my food 264. Responsible: Most of the time 265. Trustworthy: Definitely, if you want a secret kept come talk to me 266. Open-minded: Depends on what you mean 267. Creative: For the most part 268. Cute: Um, not even close, no matter how many of y'all say I am 269. Slick: They don't call me Nik the Slick for nothing 270. Smart: Yea 271. Dumb: I act like it 272. Evil: No 273. Ghetto: If only 274. Classy: As in sassy 275. Photogenic: Nope 276. Dependable: Only on a few select things 277. Greedy: Only with food 278. Ugly: Yes, 100 times over 279. Messy: With my life 280. Neat: With everything else 281. Perverted: You can say cookie and it'll go bad 282. Silly: Yea 283. A B****: I can be if you want me to be 284. A Good Listener: Mhmm 285. A Fighter: If you make me mad enough 286. A Party Animal: I'd rather read, thanks 287. A Game Freak: YES 288. A Computer Freak: I literally want to work on computers Section Fourteen: Future 289. Dream job: Animation 290. Dream house: Somewhere out in the country 291. Husband/Wife: My sweet redheaded boyfriend 292. Kids: 2 293. Names: Something with Ns 294. Pets: Literally so many 295. Car: Anything that gets me places 296. Age you would want to get married: I wouldn't mind getting married in the next few years 297. Best Man/Bride's Maid: My best friend Elena 298. Honeymoon: Anyplace that has a bedroom Section Fifteen: Your friends 299. Best friend: Elena, Nate, Jasmine, Kelsey 300. Known the longest: Nate 301. Craziest: Elena 302. Loudest: Elena and I 303. Shyest: Jasmine and Kelsey 304. Best hair: Kelsey 305. Best eyes: Kelsey 306. Best body: Nate 307. Most Athletic: Me 308. Hot-Tempered: Elena 309. Most impatient: Me 310. Shortest: Nate 311. Tallest: Kelsey 312. Skinniest: Me 313. Best singer: Me 314. Funniest: Literally all of us 315. Can always make you laugh: All of them 316. Wish you talked to more: Elena 317. Wish you saw more: All of them 318. Who drives you insane after a while: Elena, but in a good way 319. Who you can stay around forever and never get sick of: All of them 320. Ever lose a friend because you took it to the 'next level': Nah, I'm dating Nate 321. Whose always been there when you need them: All of them 322. Who is like your family: All of them 323. How many friends do you have?: Quite a few, and I love each and every one of them 324. How many are really close? About 10? Section Sixteen: The last 325. Thing you ate: Poptarts 326. Thing you drank: Apple juice 327. Thing you wore: My hoodie 328. Thing you did: This meme 329. Place you went: The store 330. Thing you got pierced or tattooed: Nothing 331. Person you saw: My dad 332. Person you hugged: My dad 333. Person you kissed: Nate 334. NQ- Person you beat to a juicy pulp: I wish I had done that to a couple jerks 335. Person you talked to online: Nate 336. Person you talked to on the phone: Nate 337. Song you heard: Vulnerable by Secondhand Serenade 338. Show you saw: Mom 339. Time you fought with your parents: Um... about a month or two? 340. Time you fought with a friend: Haven't for a while 341. Words you said: Fuck you is what I said Section Seventeen: Now 343. What are you eating: Poptart 344. What are you drinking: Apple juice 345. What are you thinking: About my boyfriend 346. What are you wearing: My hoodie 347. What are you doing: Writing this up 349. Hair: Down 350. Mood: Tired 351. Listening to: Spotify 352. Talking to anyone: Yea 353. Watching anything: Nah Section Eighteen: Yes or No 354. Are you a vegetarian: Mostly 355. Are you a carnivore: Nah 356. Are you heterosexual: Yes 357. Do you like penguins: Yes 358. Do you write poetry: Yes 359. Do you see stupid people: Yes 360. You + Me: No 361. Do you like the Osbournes: Yes 362. Can you see flying pigs: No 363. Do you sleep with stuffed animals on your bed: Yes 364. Are you from Afghanistan: No 365. Is Christina Aguilera ugly: No 366. Are you a zombie: No 367. Am i annoying you: Yes 368. Do you bite your nails: Yes 369. Can you cross your eyes: Yes 370. Do you make your bed in the morning: No 371. Have you touched someone's private part: Yes Section Nineteen: This or That 372. Winter or Summer: Winte 373. Spring or Autumn: Autumn 374. Shakira or Britney: Britney 375. MTV or VH1: MTV 376. Black or White: White 377. Yellow or Pink: Pink 378. Football or Basketball: Football 379. Mobile Phone or Pager: Mobile 380. Pen or Pencil: Pencil 381. Cold or Hot: Hot 382. Tattoos or Piercings: Tattoos 383. Inside or Outside: Inside 384. Weed or Alcohol: No 385. Coke or Pepsi: Pepsi 386. Tape or Glue: Tape 387. McDonald's or In-n-Out: In-Out Section Twenty: Opinions 388. What do you think about classical music: I like it 389. About boy bands: Nah 390: About suicide: Talk to someone if you're thinking about suicide. It is a very real thing and should not be joked about. I don't want to find out that any of you are no longer here because of suicide. I've lost 2 very close friends that way. 391. About people who try to force their opinions on you: They can kindly fuck off 392. About teen pregnancy: Only if they know they'll be able to take care of the baby 393. Where do you think you'll be in 10 years: With my husband in some country town 394. Who do you think you'll still be friends with in 5 years: Nate, Elena, Kelsey, Jasmine, hopefully all my friends 395. About gay men: They're human too Section Twenty-One: 396. Do you have a website: I'm working on building one 397. Current weather right now: Cold as balls 398. Current time: 7:00 399. Last thoughts: Byyyye

CHET X MITCH 03/07/2019

Mitch paced outside his own apartment, he’d been reeling over what to say to Chet. He was very familiar with the type of person he was, after all his brother wasn’t entirely dissimilar to himself. Taking a deep breath he reached for the door and it opened before he could touch the handle.

“Oh, hey,” Chet spoke, startled, three dogs pulling their way out of the house with Chet trailing behind them. “You coming?”

“Yeah sure, need a hand?” Mitch offered, trying to be helpful.

“Sure why not,” his brother smiled, sandy hair falling in his blue hues. He handed Mitch the leash for Mateo and offered another warm smile, this time showing pearly whites. Mitch couldn’t deny how handsome he was, at moments when the sun reflected off his golden skin, he seemed to glow. “What brings you by?” He spoke casually, which made Mitch wonder if this talk would be blindsiding.

“Uh, well, to avoid beating around the bush, I wanted to talk about yesterday, you know, just us; and then we can maybe reconnect with Stone and Julie.” He swallowed hard, nervous how the statement would be received.

“Yeah...okay. Maybe we can do that when we get back inside. Eddie just left and Kurt is still asleep. Is that going to be a problem?” Chet has some irritation in his voice but when he looked at Mitch his eyes were gentle. Mitch shook his head while nervously sucking on his cheek.

When they finished walking the dogs they went inside and Chet scooped up his cat and collapsed on the couch in one graceful sweep. “So how’s this conversation going to proceed?”

“Well,” Mitch sighed, sitting down on a chair opposite Chet. “You seemed really upset when you walked off last night, I mean...you were crying and I wanted to see what it was about.”

“I don’t have an exact reason, it was just a feeling. I felt overwhelmed and like my feelings were disregarded entirely.”

“Well, it wasn’t meant to feel that way, but it is about dad.”

“Actually it’s about all of us, we’re a family.”

Mitch was quiet a moment, “I know that but it’s a delicate situation and Stone and Julie just want to control it as much as they can, to make it easier for Dad.”

“That’s because they assume we can’t all work together. They constantly see the negative end. I have bent over backwards trying to prove myself to them. I have done everything they wanted with a few minor faults and the negative is all they see.” Chet tried to take a breath and bite his tongue, afraid to let his emotions take over entirely. “They want to blame me for how everything turned out with Dad, fine. I know it’s not all on me. It’s bigger than that.”

“Yes but the mistake...”

“I know; I know. Yes, I texted dad when they advised against it, and I’m sorry but I was emotional and getting clean, I missed him...I wasn’t here for all the shit you guys know, I never knew my dad as having any kind of dissociative disorder. So maybe that was against my better judgement but in my defense I wasn’t entire sound of mind either. I am now.”

“I know that...” Mitch started.

“Yeah I know you do, but they don’t.” He paused for a moment and shook his head. “As for not talking to him unless it’s through them, it’s bullshit. I can understand not bombarding him. We can make a plan together as a family without having a fucking dictatorship. Look,” he took a breath and tried to reel back his frustrations and sadness. “I trust they’re trying to prevent things getting messy and overwhelming, I get it. But if at some point I can’t walk up to my own father if he falls down here, on my own accord, that is fucked up. He’s not glass Mitch. Yes, sure it’s a sensitive situation and I can respect that, but he’s not going to crumble if I go up to him and hug him and say I missed him without filtering through them first.” He paused a moment as tears brimmed on his eyelids. “If I cry and I’m emotional about something that is fucking emotional he will understand. He’s not a fucking robot.”

“I’m done with this conversation,” but Mitch went to speak but Chet was clearly not done, and shaking his head and wiping wet eyes he growled. “Them controlling this too much won’t be good either. If they can’t trust me to act appropriately around my own dad then some fucking family. We all have to work together and be flexible with each other. We are all hurting, we all miss one another and that includes dad. I can see them being against my involvement if I was still using. But I’m not. It’s not like I’m going to walk up to him and say “hey dad been a while, remember when you used to kill people? Remember when I made your life harder because this world is traumatic and I was a drug addict? Oh yeah by the way I hate you and don’t want to talk to you anymore” like seriously? No.” Tears were falling down his cheeks as he tried to catch his breath, his thoughts racing. “I’m not going to bend to everything they say. I’m an adult and I can and will make responsible decisions. I love dad and I do have his best interest in mind. They aren’t the only ones who know how to interact with him. That’s stupid. And honestly, that, is what’s selfish.”

Mitch was quiet, waiting now to make sure Chet got everything out of his system. He didn’t want his brother to feel as if he hadn’t been heard. Mitch closed his eyes and thought about everything he was feeling as well as what Chet must be feeling. “They’ll hate me their entire life.” Chet continued as his voice broke, clearly hurt. “I’m nothing but a liability because my mistakes are the only things they harp on. They have not once, not fucking once given me the benefit of the doubt. And I’ve done remarkably well since I came back, I know I was a fuck up before but it’s different now.”

When it was evident that Chet was done talking, Mitch spoke rather bluntly. “Did you get that out of your system? Because this isn’t about you, it’s about dad.” He was surprised by the words that came out of his mouth. But he inhaled slowly and moved next to Chet, then exhaled and continued. “Yes, maybe they aren’t handling this the only way it could be, but fighting with them won’t get us anywhere. Lucky understands that, which is why he actually verbalized he is not happy with how they are going about it but he won’t fight them on it. Can we do this another way, yes, but the problem is they’re afraid we can’t. They’re doing what they think is best and honestly, it’s not a bad way. It’s not the only way, sure, I believe that, but they’re not going to change their minds, they’ve lost him too many times already.”

Chet sat with his head in his hands, controlling his breaths to steady his nerves. Mitch kept yo himself a moment, wondering if he’d been too harsh. “So I know it sucks and it doesn’t feel fair, I believe you can handle dad coming back with grace in your own way, but this is what they think is best and they won’t budge, so we have to bend, Chet. Can you do that?” His brother was quiet, his eyes unfocused in nothing in the distance. “Chet...” still there was silence. “River...” he placed a hand on his brothers arm and Chet immediately pulled away and stood.

“Don’t do that, god damn it. Just because I have an identity issue doesn’t mean I don’t respond to both names. I’m still one fucking person...” his body was shaking, his voice quavered.

“Sorry...” Mitch offered. “I wasn’t...I didn’t know; you’ve never talked about it.”

“Because I don’t understand it Mitch,” he snapped. Then he sighed and offered, “you know that the black hole theory exists but that doesn’t mean you can talk about it. I know there’s something going on inside my head but it’s confusing and hard to handle so I haven’t worked it out yet. All I know is I’m still me, I’m still one person, one body, with shared thoughts and experiences.”

“Okay...” the room fell quiet again. Mitch watched as Chet nervously paced the room like a caged lion. “Chet...”

“What? What do you want me to say? Yes I’ll listen to them?”

“Kind of, yeah. I know it’s hard...”

“You already said that.” Chet sighed, collapsing into the chair opposite Mitch. “Fine. For you...and for Dad. But I don’t think I’ll ever be good enough for them and as outcasted as I feel right now, I’m surprised I’m even considered at all. So maybe I’ll count my blessings. But Mitch, I’m done. I’m not trying anymore for them, I’ve never wronged them and don’t deserve this much distrust. I think I’ve earned some respect and I don’t feel I get much if any from them. So I’m done.”

“What does that mean?”

“I don’t really know, it just felt right to say.”

“Like you don’t want to be their brother?”

“They don’t want me, Mitch. Maybe they’ve never said it but if they had it their way I wouldn’t be here in the first place, or maybe they wish I’d fall in a hole. I don’t know, and I’ve made mistakes I will admit it but I don’t deserve this.”

Mitch was still confused but he figured Chet must be too so he decided not to press the issue. “I love you...and I’m glad you’re here.”

“I know,” he offered the other a warm smile.

“Will you be able to talk to them tonight?” There was a flash of uneasiness in his eyes and Mitch sighed. “You have to put on a poker face then, you’re an actor, you can put their minds at ease.”

“I’m an actor but not in my real life, Mitch, that’s lying. And when I’m not using, I don’t lie. But yes...I’ll be able to talk to them tonight.”

“For dad,” Mitch offered.

“For dad,” Chet agreed.

Trying

Over the past two weeks, I wrote a blog post in my phone that, in the end, was four pages long. It started in one mental place and ended in another. It was rambling and confusing. Basically, I was, as they say, “in my feelings,” and feeling kind of lost on my healthy journey I have going here. I’m going to sum up some of the things I wrote and then share my conclusion.

 1. I started off by writing, once more, about how maybe I could just be happy at the weight I am now. Y’all. If I’m still thinking about happiness in terms of my weight then I’m not going to be happy at the weight I am now, tomorrow, yesterday, ten years ago, or ten years from now. Damn. You would think I could get that through my thick skull one of these days.

2. So that led into me writing about body positivity once again

3. Then I wrote the following: “One thought I keep having is that I exercise more and eat healthier than most people I know, yet I also am more overweight than most people I know. And that’s not fair.” My Lord. My mother has been telling me my entire life, “Fair comes once/year and most of the time it rains.” That’s Southern for, “Life isn’t fair.” It’s not fair. This is something my husband says all the time. He is frustrated for me at this point because he is the closest to me and, therefore, sees how hard I work. He doesn’t understand why I’m not losing weight. The fact of it is - I just have to try harder than the average person. My body clings to weight and doesn’t let it go. It isn’t fair, but it’s the facts, and both of us need to accept that and move on.

4. The real question I was trying to answer in my rambling post was - am I trying hard enough?

When I originally wrote all of this, I wasn’t sure. Then I stepped on the scale this morning. Listen, no, the measure of success and the measure of happiness is not in that stupid scale. I will continue to preach it and continue to work it into my own mind. But if I weigh 50lbs more this morning than I did only four years ago...if it has been six years since I started my journey, and I have gained back 50lbs...if I am no longer at a weight where I feel comfortable and at peace….it’s time to do something about it that is much more serious.

I weighed 240.6lbs. What does this number mean? It means that somehow I gained back 7lbs this month (?!). It means that I am 15lbs away from the weight that I was steady at for so long and felt reasonably comfortable at. It means I am only 35lbs away from the weight that started it all. It means my net weight loss for the entire year, after five months, is only 3.6lbs.

I honestly almost did not share this number with you all. I am crying right now as I type this because I am embarrassed, frustrated, ashamed. This number does not define me. This number does not mean everything. This number does not reflect that I have gone to the gym for four days per week for eight fucking straight weeks in a row. This number does not reflect that I went to almost all of the dance classes I mentally dedicated myself to go going to this month (11 of 13). This number does not reflect all of the healthy food prep that I did this month, the number of times I made healthy choices nor the new foods that I tried.

What does it reflect? Well, at first I was typing out the sentence that it reflects the times that I failed. But to be completely truthful, I almost never binged or ate out of emotions this month. That happened maybe 2-3 times. The other times when I ate something unhealthy? I consciously made that choice and most of those times were in celebration. My mother turned 60. Two coworkers I enjoyed left my place of employment. We had Staff Retreat. And so on. How is that failing? To have a cookie from a batch a departing coworker made for us? How is that failing?

I was truly surprised to see that number on the scale this morning, and it instantly made me feel panicked because it was such a large gain and ashamed because clearly I had spent my time this month even worse than I thought. I expected the number to stay the same, as it has this whole year. I’ve been right around 233.6 for the majority of the year and, considering I did not think I ate any worse this month than any of those other months, I was surprised and disappointed. And panicked.

So the question I had been trying to answer as I crafted this blog post - am I trying hard enough? Well, clearly, the answer is no. The scale is not the measure of success, but it is a measurement that shows that I need to rein it back in on the food - even if only to experiment. What happens if I am hyper aware of my nutrition and I know that the math should add up and it doesn’t? Because I’ve been doing murky math this month. I didn’t measure every bite of food, but I’ve been conscious of my choices. And I’m not entirely sure what it all went wrong. What if I do the math and my weight doesn’t change or, worse, I face another gain? Then something else is going on.

My bloodwork did come back yesterday and the levels she checked were all normal except my B12 was “low-normal” so she is recommending that I take a supplement, as that could be causing fatigue. But I’m not satisfied with that answer, so I wrote her and said basically, “Okay what are some other next steps?” I don’t think that just taking a B12 is going to solve the problems that I presented to her.

The question - Am I trying hard enough?

Am I doing everything I can? Or am I not doing enough? As Oprah would say, what is the truth?

I think it’s both. I am doing more than the average person is doing to be healthy. I am putting in the most effort that I feel like I can put in most days, sometimes more, though someone could certainly look at that effort and judge it as not good enough, which I often do. The reality is that every person’s body is different. My body clings to the weight and holds on to it for dear life, even when I am trying so hard to get it to let go. What that means for me is that I have to try harder than the people around me, the people on instagram, etc. Not to mention that I don’t really know how hard they are trying. From the outside looking in, it appears that they eat kale at every meal, workout multiple times per day, never have a cookie, never give in to treats, never mentally struggle with their healthy efforts and their self esteem. I know that none of that is true, but it’s hard to remember that when these are the images that come across my face all day everyday. I have to remember that when I think about “trying harder” I should be thinking about trying harder than May Meaghan. Not trying harder than some unattainable Instagram person. I need to only compare myself to myself.

We are all different. I have been feeling like I’m letting people down, including myself, because my weight hadn’t changed since January 28th and now I’ve had this major gain. But I’ve been told that continuing to share is beneficial to others  in and of itself. And as I reflect more on it - I’m really just giving you another example of what it’s like for someone to try to lose weight. I have three thought processes going on.

One part of me thinks, “I’m doing all that I feel like I can, that I want to do, and it’s not working, and it’s not fair because no one else is struggling like this, in fact some people are losing weight or staying the same while eating potato chips everyday, so I’ll just stay fat forever because fuck it.”

And then another part of me thinks, “It’s not fair, but that’s life. Try harder. Do better.”

And then another part of me thinks, “But I’m healthy and happy with my life, just uncomfortable with my body. Shouldn’t I just focus on creating a better body image and not worry so much about changing my actual body?”

That first part of me is the depressed part, the struggling the part, the part that is at the front of my brain, and I need to let it go. That is the part that is comparing myself to everyone else, people I don’t even know, people who don’t matter, and it’s not good. Whether I decide to continue to try to make the scale move should not be dependent upon what other people are doing or not doing. The choices I make to become healthier should only be about myself.

As for the other two parts - well, I think they’re both right. I need to work on a better body image regardless of weight loss. There was a time when I was wearing anything I wanted to wear, enjoying fashion again, appreciating my curves, and somewhere along the line of gaining back these 50lbs, I lost it. I’ve become insecure again, like I was at my heaviest, and that, in many ways, scares me more than gaining the weight back. I was so unhappy with my life when I weighed 275lbs, and it had actually almost nothing to do with my weight. My weight was a reflection of the other issues going on at that time. I completely lost myself, and in the six years since then, I have struggled as much to get that person back as I have to lose the pounds. I don’t want to give up on that fight. I need to wear shorts in public. I need to wear bodycon dresses. I need to wear big prints. And none of it has to do with my weight - wearing clothes that I’m “not supposed to wear” makes me feel like I’m giving the middle finger to fatphobia. It gives me confidence in other areas of my life. It makes me feel like I’m not an outcast because of my weight. I need all of those feelings back.

But...well...I still want to lose weight. I’ve written enough about this dichotomy of my brain in the past. How do you learn to love your body while trying to change it. I don’t fucking know. That’s what the heart of this blog is, I guess. But, anyway, if I want to lose weight, I honestly just need to buckle down and do it. So what if it is harder for me than it is for others around me? Then it’s harder. School was the same way. I was in all of these honors and AP classes with these super smart kids, and somehow they just learned. They didn’t necessarily need to study their asses off or write and rewrite drafts of papers or practice presentations. They sat in class, they learned the material, and they could spit it back out and sound intelligent doing it. That wasn’t me. I had to study. I had to practice. I had to rewrite. Did I get the same grades or better? Yes. I graduated ninth in my class of 350+ high-school students. But I had to work for it. It was the same in college. Did I graduate summa cum laude with a 3.9 GPA? Yes. But it was hard. And I tell y’all - I wanted to be valedictorian of my high-school class. I wanted to finish college with a 4.0. I am a perfectionist, and my best has never been good enough for me. I still tell people, probably much to their annoyance, that I only made four B’s in college. Four B’s. I took 45 classes for credit in college, I completed both the University Honors Program and the honors program for the English department, and I finished with two degrees in the four years with only one summer semester of class, but I’m sitting over here thinking about the four B’s I got.

As stupid as that is, I need to think about weight loss the way that I thought about school. I didn’t sit around and complain that other people were out partying while I was studying, did I? No, I just studied. And those four B’s and some of my A-’s are because sometimes I was out having fun, not gonna lie. I found a sort of balance in both high-school and college, and I didn’t just say, “Well, fuck it, I’m having to work harder than everyone else, and I still got a B last semester, so I’m just going to throw in the towel.” I just kept going and working as hard as I could, and I still graduated with top grades.

So that’s where I’m going to go with weight loss. What I’m doing isn’t working, so let me find something that does. Let me work as hard as I can at it and see where it gets me. I’m not going to be perfect at this, but I can at least give it my best shot instead of sitting around thinking, “Woe is me, it isn’t fair.” And, at the same time, I need to get my groove back. Nobody ever got anywhere in life if they didn’t feel like they could wear shorts in the summer if they felt like it.

9/17/17 – No Contact:  Road Rage on Memory Lane

Woke up at 5.  I’m leaving for Houston on the 30th. It may sound cliché but I always wanted to go see New York.  We’ve driven through it.  I was young.  We were seeing my brother and he lived in Massachusetts at the time.  My dad said he refused to go through New York so we had to as well.  Houston is the 4th largest city in the US, though, so I guess it’s like Texan New York.

My dad has been super chill lately.  It’s been nice.  At least he has been with me.  When we went to Reno, he got upset with customer service.  Ironically, I kind of felt like you and he was me.  Like you feel awkward and kind of want to go somewhere else.  It’s probably different for you… but similar circumstance. Someone was angry and you were riding shotgun with them. It wasn’t road rage.  He just wanted to see my sister at the casino she worked at.  He raised his voice and was a less than preferable customer to have.  My sister said she worked with a bunch of pansies because everyone was super scared of him at the desk.  She was chill with it (mind you, she got there after we did; she works night).  His anger is different though.  He takes everything personally.  I have a lot of unresolved issues that I leave unresolved.  It comes out while driving.  I didn’t used to be so bad. I sound like a broken record, I’m sure.  I’m reminded that my dad actively tried cockblocking me.  Again, wasn’t trying to get laid but geezuz.  I’m not sure we’d had gotten along at my age. I also realize that it’s a problem I have.  Like, I’m over what my dad did.  It’s fine, but I am a bit surprised.  I just wanted to have a conversation with her and then he tried overtalking me.  Daniel did the same thing with that 80 yo woman at the bar.  I was drunk so it became a competition.  I don’t like people talking over me because I guess it was always like that in between my dad and Janis.  So… a petty annoyance.  I guess when I get muted, blocked, or ignored it sucks too.  That is one of the downsides to trolling or at least the internet, where they remove my ability to speak. That might be one of the reasons I took this so hard.  I felt like you were keeping me from talking, though it’d had probably been better if I had just shut up.  I don’t know; pitching theories here.  I’ll bring up our relationship when I go to therapy.  I’ll try to be unbiased and I’ll see if that’s the reason.

I need to find a therapist first.  I don’t even know what to look for.

My lips are super chapped.  I was so dehydrated during the summer.  I’m looking forward to Adela’s where I can just grab a glass of water whenever I want instead of so many bottles of water.  Less wasteful, especially here.

I’ve been watching Rick an Morty Season 3 on repeat.  Part of a livestream that claims to have all episodes but only does Season 3.  I really shouldn’t because I could be working on my book, but eh.  The episode with the Vindicators.  Super Nova I think her name is?  I think you could cosplay her because she’s super skinny and has a nice ass.  ;D I know, I know.  Low standard but I think it’d be a cool cosplay to see in general.  Maybe soon, someone will do it. It feels like yesterday that I was still going to high school. Yesterday was ten years ago.  I’d have been starting my Junior year at about this time.  Hating life, stuck in self-isolation.  Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t hated… I was a self selected outcast.  I didn’t really have a clique.  David and I went to different High Schools and road the same bus.  Occaisionally, I’d go to his house to play Xbox.  During the summer, I’d spend a lot of time in between either his house or Jeremiah’s.  Jer and I spent two weeks playing nothing but Halo 3, iirc.  Might have been Halo 2, I don’t remember.  We were did a lot of multiplayer and we were fucking awesome.  That’s where we noticed red team always won.  Very seldom did blue win. Yeah, I think it was Halo 3.

I remember Jeremiah with short hair, btw.  It’s funny.  He looks a lot like Sean.  Go figure, eh?  ;)

We didn’t always just play Xbox.  He was sympathetic.  I told him a lot.  Anything that was on my mind.  That’s changed, though.  Not because I don’t trust him.  I guess somewhere along the way, I stopped opening up.  Might have had something to do with going to Texas the first time.  Not sure.

Told Ariel I was going back recently and she knows I hated Texas.  She worries a lot about me.  She remembers how bad Amarillo was on me.  How emotionally draining it was.  She remembers when I was in a hard time, partially caused by my niece fucking me over and robbing me, basically.  I was super thin back then.  After my hardships, though, I gained a lot of weight. I’ve gained over 80 pounds since I left Amarillo.

I’ve never felt so fat.  My self-esteem has never been so low.  I used to think I was fat when I weighed 240.  I was, but I didn’t realize I could gain anymore weight.  I let myself go.

I want to weigh 200 again.  That’s my goal.  I don’t need to weigh 180, that’s super thin.  I have a natural masculine build.  If I really dedicated myself, I could be a body builder.  I could get SO strong. I’d be petty and shallow about my own appearance, but life would be better.

I remember once in Amarillo when I was relatively skinny (not my skinniest; probably 210 or 220 if I had to guess) I had to save my niece from something stupid she got involved in.  She was confronted by a man and a woman.  The man was smaller than me, and immediately starting kissing up by saying, “Hey, Bro.  Do you work out?” and feeling my left arm.  I pulled away and told him no.

I don’t like being touched and I don’t like when people kiss ass. Your touch was the exception, of course.  This guy royally pissed me off. My niece made it back to my truck without too much hassle and they left her the fuck alone when I got there.  One of the reasons I didn’t get in many fights was because I never had to.  I was intimidating.  I didn’t want to fight anyone then.  The fights I did get in, I didn’t want to fight then either.  I rely on intimidation so I win the fight before it ever happens. Maybe that’s another reason you’re afraid of me.  Because it works. I don’t feel very intimidating right now.  I’m just… round. However, I’m confident no one would ever try to fight me.  It’s not in their best interest to, after all.  If they fight me, they might get hurt.  The average human is a coward. If someone is talking shit to your face, he’s building up the courage to fight you. With the two fights in Texas, they both swung first and they were both drunk.  The second fight, he had a friend help him. The first refused to go home and through a swing at me.  I punched him and physically dragged him outside.  He threatened me by asking, “Have you ever been shot, before?  Have you ever been shot with a gun before?” think that was scary.  I followed him to his apartment and he came out with a bench press bar.  Piece.  Of.  Shit.  He threatened to hit my truck and he threatened me with other things.  As he was trying to scare me, my niece pulled up with her boyfriend.  I turned to look, look back at this guy, and he was trying to… impale my face with it?  Like, he didn’t swing.  He thrusted.  I dodged it all and then hit him with a hook.  He ran back inside.  I asked my niece’s boyfriend to go drive my truck around the corner. As he drove off, the dude stepped outside and was reporting my license plate to the police.  I saw this and yelled, “Hey, go back inside!” and he fearfully looked at me and then went back inside. I waited for the police, wearing light pants and a tee shirt.  I knew they were coming and when they got there, I wasn’t expecting them to take me outside.  It was cold and I was freezing.  They said that they got a call that someone was threatened with a gun. Ironically, it was me but he said I had pulled a gun on him. So, they check my apartment and then they checked my truck.  I let them know that the seats fold up in the back and helped their search.  After they realized I didn’t have a gun (my rifle was at my brother’s so if I had kept it at the apartment, I’d be in serious trouble. Then again, someone would have stolen it like they did my other things).  They asked me if I wanted to press charges and I said no and that he was drunk.  Whatever. It honestly wasn’t that bad.  I threw less than five punches that night.  I was told that if he refused to leave, I had the right to shoot and KILL him. When I heard that, I was super shocked.  Of course, this was at Dunkin Donuts when I was told that.  It was before the cemetery.  I was content.  My rage and my sorrow was manageable.

The second time, I was spending some time away from the apartment with this girl.  I got an emergency text from my niece and I really didn’t feel like answering it.  She’d set up all these bullshit parties in our apartment and then rely on me to break it up when it got out of hand.  I was tired of it.

This time, it was different. This dude was getting a little too frisky and his advances were unwanted.  So, I ended up going back.  When I returned, she ran to the bathroom and I told the remaining few that it was time to wrap up the party and go home. This little turd eyeballed me.  He was the one trying to get frisky with my niece.  He was clearly angry and I was expecting him to say something.  He didn’t.  Just punched me and started punching me.  I grabbed him by the throat and pinned him against the wall while yelling, “What the fuck?!”  I was collecting my thoughts because I didn’t think he’d act so unreasonably.  His friend who was by the beer pong table charged me and grabbed me.  Thus, I had to fight these two guys in my own home. One of my niece’s friends came in and said, “What the fuck?!”  She was apparently a friend of the little turd’s friend and asked what the hell he was doing.  He said helping Little Turd.  I told her I told them to go home and he coldcocked me out of the blue.  She yelled at them and they left. She stayed and said I still looked handsome.  It was nice.  Things had gotten worse there which is why I didn’t want to party with them.  I was tired of the loud music and drinking.  I was sleeping on the couch and needed to hear it.  I didn’t show my appreciation then. The first fight was early on so the parties weren’t frequent.  Things weren’t that bad then.  I let my niece walk all over me and thus things started to go bad. That said, the second fight was less one sided.  Go figure; I was outnumbered.  I had a black eye and a bloody nose.  No permanent damage, except for a ruined shirt.  Blood and tears.  I was a little upset by it. The next day, I go to work and everyone joked about how I needed to stop hosting fight clubs in my apartment. That day, I also was offered a job at the cemetery.  I was given the job offer looking like an amateur boxer.  It took me a while to actually accept their offer.  I used to have a discomfort with being in cemeteries.  If it were a car dealership, I’d have taken it sooner probably.  I hate car dealerships, too. Less people would have threatened me at a car dealership.  But that’s a story for another time.