finally convinced myself to apply for the Folx fund help since otherwise im just. not making enough to cover regular doc visits and T rn.

(more venting abt this stuff below the cut feel free to skip)

And as of tonight im out of the vial my housemate generously offered since ae is changing up T methods rn anyway (tho i did try to get out any leftover T from previous syringes in my sharps box into the current vial, in an attempt to save any i could, but it didn't work as well as i wanted it to unfortunately)

I don't want to detransition. I'm genuinely terrified of it bc even just my period returning these last months has sent me spiraling each time. I'm the happiest I've ever been since transitioning (despite any additional Life Horrors occurring alongside it) and i just. I don't want to go back. but I'm not going to rely on my friends and family to bankroll this too while i try and get back on my feet

im nervous to have applied and tbh don't anticipate getting it simply bc goodness knows there's a fuck ton of us in need of help like this, and im just one of many. but holy fucking shit a year of paid for care would make a huge difference. one less expense to weigh on me for at least a little bit, enough time to hopefully get into a better more consistently paying job so i could just afford the usual Folx membership as I would like to rn if it wasn't $89/mo (and even switch back to gel to have a break from the injections for a bit, but that's an extra $50, so nearly $150 for that which rn is Ouch and just not possible to give out monthly which makes me feel so pathetic and shit but i just. Don't have it at a consistent rate rn with the polling center job fuckery and my anxiety with the job)

I don't want to be taking help from someone who needs it more, but if they can spare a spot for me i would be in their debt for the rest of my life and beyond grateful

oh my other little problem with the mobility aid fearmongering that's going around tumblr crip circles rn is that it's acting like muscle stiffness/pain/reconditioning is, like, always a tradeoff with different pain, when ime a lot of people who rely on mobility aids that aren't prescribed by doctors do so because they're fall risks, not because of pain

pretty much no injury that is caused by a mobility aid will ever be as bad as a concussion and if you're claiming to be imparting risk assessment information on underinformed demographics you should really at least be acknowledging how horrifically fucking dangerous concussions are and how much all muscular damage/weakening from improperly-sized mobility aids and the vast majority of associated joint & muscle damage from long-term mobility aid use pale vastly in comparison to fucking concussions

my advice: if you're a fall risk get the damn mobility aid. repeated concussions will kill you with basically no warning. it doesn't matter if you're a fall risk because of vertigo, seizures, fainting, w/e, use the mobility aid before you end up dead, i beg you.

ON A DIFFERENT NOTE I WAS JUST POKING AROUND AND SAW THAT MOD PHIL LISTENS TO BUG HUNTER? man us philza kins all share a musical braincell i guess because holy fuck i don’t think i’ve ever run into anyone else who listens to his stuff! i’m gonna have to politely ask you to hand over more recommendations for music because you’ve got TASTE. -🌾🪶

ARNJS i am staring at you soo hard I know like two other bug hunter fans and theyre fans because I commandeered the music bot and insisted on playing all of his songs during a music vc night... Anyway we are slaying so hard rn. us phils just have the best music taste 😎

OKAY anyway this took forever cause I tried to narrow down my list but ajfanfdk I listen to a lot of stuff. god there's so much music i enjoy that I could go on forever about random songs and stuff so uh yeah... I banished my bs to under a cut for the sake of not making a post that is annoying to scroll past. enjoy whatevr i did -za

Mickey Darling!! RAHGjsA a lot of his songs are like about breakups but they're all very upbeat and fun despite the lyrics. Honestly its so funny to me I literally found him because of a fanfic that used lyrics from say that you miss me (which like god yeah the author got me... it was extremely right for the character they used it for i know cause they're literally me). you were perfect & im so sorry is vry good and also I've had somewhere else stuck in my head since it came out...

Jukebox the Ghost. okay okay they just never miss! i adore like everything they've made but uhmmm I think the cheers album is my favorite still right now like dont get me wrong i love everything they've made but ajldnf how can I not like cheers. Brass Band and I Got A Girl are so good. I will say uh shout out to It's No Secret cause its inspired several pieces of self indulgent ship art I've made.

Streetlight Manifesto... The Hands that Thieve got me out of one of my weirdest music eras. I mean it's ska punk it's not too far from the uh protest songs I was listening too, but ska was more palatable than most of the shit that I was really into for a bit. Anyway listen to If Only For Memories too its good.

LyreLeTemps! god okay so i like electroswing a lot and ashutjak just fuck man Time Train is extremely mecore when it comes to a specific kin. A lot of the music i listen to gets shifted around depending to my shifts lol. Also listen to Nanana it's a close second for my favorite song by them other than Time Train

Groundbreaking, god i've listened to this guy for so long... I think all his music is great but the Anarchy I & II are my little guys I listen to them all the time still. They practically got me through quarantine... Uhm if I had to recommend a specific songs instead of just saying listen to the Anarchy Albums maybe VIP and Beautiful people. Those two were my favorites but jsut to get somthing from anarchy listed too uhm anarchy or media star

The Wrecks god another band I listened to a lot during quarantine... Fvck Somebody and Panic Vertigo are my #1s forever but I really like their new music too. Unrequited and Sonder came out at such a good time for me, unfortunately that means I have like four writings wips that have titles that are just the lyrics of those songs...

Air Traffic Controller is another band that made quarantine bearable for me god why have the last three just been quarantine time killers. Anyway I listen to Creature of the Night a lot because I love being thematic with my music when I pull all nighters. Uhhhh other than that Anybody got a light has quickly become one of my favorites from them too

Atarashii Gakko!! This is the only non english band I'm actively a fan of rn. My friends are like big into like Kpop and I'm more of a cpop or jpop guy but like even then I almost never find a band and get super invested. but raghg the choreography and vocals just everything really scratches my brain. I really like watching their dance practices idk its just so fascinating to me. uhm okay uh Fantastico and NAINAINAI yeah those i recommend them :]

AND because I cant help myself here's some things I wanted to talk about but uh 90% of it would just be me keyboard slamming cause I cannot articulate my enjoyment of them

Circa Waves: Your Ghost & Golden Days

Good Kid: Mimi's Delivery Service

Saint Motel: Sweet Talk & Slow Dance

Rare Americans: Walking N Talkin

Burn the Ballroom: Calm Down & Crazy

Bear Ghost: Haunt the Cartoon Heart & Sirens

Andie Schoen: the prophet (you love me) & loitering

The Happy Fits: In the Lobby & So Alright, Cool, Whatever

Hobo Johnson: Peach Scone & February 15th

Tw under the cut for medical abuse, injury, self harm, and suicide

Hello hi

Ive been in the hospital for a bit over a week now and im relatively fucked up. They kept trying to give me Tylenol, which i literally overdosed on, refused to give me bandages i could use to cover my stitches (im allergic to adhesives), didnt give me any of my meds for four days so I started having seizures and being in severe pain, didnt give me food i could eat and made fun of my food issues, had a nurse yell at me if i asked for meds and then say "i wish some patients had successfully killed themselves", told me my disorder wasnt real, misgendered and deadnamed me constantly, ("these girls think theyre boys" is a quote from the week), i got burns from how hot the shower was (no temp control), did not acknowledge any of my sexual trauma, used the wrong pronouns AGAIN on my paperwork, exposed me to covid, pneumonia, AND rsv because they didnt quarantine or require masks, and what has me the MOST livid: caused me to have so many joint dislocations that my spine is possibly damaged :))) ive had tingling numbness in my feet, legs, and lower back, i get spasms in my ribs and legs now too. its hard to walk steadily and my mom is getting me a wheelchair now and scrambling to find an appointment to ensure my degenerative disk disease didnt decide to strike and render me unable to walk especially when our house is barely navigatable with a cane

Im just in so much pain that i can't lay down comfortably and im still getting some of the cymbalta withdrawal brain zaps, tremors, vertigo, and PLC and idk which is worse rn. Idk if im gonna have the vivid nightmares that apparently happen cause ive gotten maybe 5 hours of sleep in the last 4 days

I'll try to catch up on notifs slowly but im having trouble reading and typing cause my fingers arent uncurling properly :( but hot bath rn is helping and my mom is keeping our heating pad out for me :)

this poor sign guy all the way out in the hebra blizzard lol

verrry interested in tulin's wind-gust technique...i hope that's revali's gale

OHHH I FOUND ROBLOX GOLEM GUY up in the sky.......i bet im gonna get my ass kicked

ok, so i have no idea how to damage it. time to google

GOT HIM. not too bad actually although i hate i had to use so many arrows. i didnt get hit once!

I SEE A GLEEOK BELOW ME...HOLY SHIT

dodged the gleeok but got my ass beat by a bokoblin camp :| they ambushed me...

oh my god, if you fuse 2 snowballs together you can make a snowman lol

maaaan tulin running off on his own...ik it's stupid but hes a brave boy 🥺

HE SAW ZELDA?? WHAT IS GOING ON???

"there's not a rito alive capable of crossing the skies and making it up there...except you" WAHHH

this Feels like sagehood from ocarina of time, tbh. it's a little wistful and a little too big for someone so young :(

also i loooove the music playing right here holy fuck

GOD climbing these islands to get to the sky is giving me vertigo. we are SOOOO HIIIGH like it fuckin rules but it's SCARY. reminds me of the really tall section of mirrors edge

WHO TF IS SPEAKING RN? IS THAT RAURU? "COME TO ME"? WAY TO BE CREEPY DUDE

reminds me of that episode of s*pernatural. tbh. don't like it

this whole thing is so fucking cool and creepy wtf

i looove bouncing on these boats. this is so much fun wtf

i love also that the shrines are shorter in totk...i always hated to go in one in botw not knowing if it would take me 5 minutes or half an hour

korok seed. the FUCK is a korok doing all the way up here

OH it's another roblox guy, but this time i have tulin's help!!! very sick

found a shrine called rauru's blessing...what, i don't do anything? just walk up there and get my thing? maybe the challenge was getting TO the shrine

AAAUGHGHG the music changing as you get higher i am LOSING MY MIND this is SO COOL

ohhhh my god fuck at the end when you get above even the storm and everything is perfectly serene...i'm gonna DIE this is so fucking cool. i can't believe i didn't want to come here

MADE IT TO THE WIND TEMPLE THIS IS SO FUCKING COOL

ZELDA?????????????????????????????????????????

SHE JUST. KEEPS. VANISHING????

ohh my god. i need a minute. whaaaaat the HELL

HAIHAI1111 do you know any ways to get past a "barrier" blocking you from the rest of the system? ive been trying to speak to the rest of my system for a few days now but something is blocking me from seeing them :((

You could be front stuck, and unfortunately I don't have any 100% working ways but I do have a couple ways that work for me

1.) get into a quiet dark room alone, put on some music you like, lie down and then just zone out or try to detach yourself from the world around you. Where you are Doesn't really matter as long as it's somewhere without a lot of distractions and basically just try to like, unground as much as possible. Tommy just said "artificial dissociation" ANDD YEAAAAH... IT KINDA IS.... I was also taught this trick where u just try to give yourself the feeling of vertigo over n over again, and that worked for me when first figuring out we were a system.

2.) positive triggers. this depends a lot on how big ur system as, how responsive y'all are to positive triggers, and also how many positive triggers each person has, but usually a combination of this and 1 will work wonders . Writing your thought process down in a journal also works in the same vain, and for us someone just barges in and starts responding to what we're saying lol

3.) NAPPING. or just calming down resting your brain and going to sleep for a few hours . If you're going to bed don't use your phone or any other devices beforehand for maybe an hour or so to a few minutes. you could draw, write, read, or again just like, Listening to music and dozing off usually does the trick. That's because ime, being frontstuck is caused by outside/inside stresses or your body being in a consistent fight or flight mode, so just giving it time to decongest and take a break is really good.

bonus 4. Is that if u all have good communication usually, is seeing if you can just like, Latch onto someone who has the general vibe of being close by and see if they can ask a gatekeeper why you don't have access to the rest of the sys rn, or if the one you latch onto is a gatekeeper just ask them directly. When I've or anyone has been frontstuck, it's usually because there's a split or fusion going on due to outside stresses and he doesn't want us to be aware of it yet.

If any of these don't work then usuallyyy the only option is to just... wait it out ToT. Which kinda Sucks but it's true . It'll pass when it does and not being able to communicate with other head mates for a few days or even longer is completely normal . Mainly focus on ways to minimize things that are stressing you out rn and the rest will happen naturally. Chances are everyone else is missing you too <3

finally found a binder that i can Actually Wear and i can't buy it for a while o|-<

This is not sustainable. im napping. bye

Season 4 notes

Ep 121: mmmm tape recorder turning on without them knowing goes brrr. AAAhjhdsjfhjdf "do you mind if i call you jon" its like "can i call you elias?" is this the dream guy with the tendrils? who wants to bet the boat is captained by peter lukas? big man if it killed yall how are you still here. oh boy the tape is doin that thing. who do we think it is? did he wake up? hmm. ep 122: lol jon. 6 months!?!? bruh quit movin big man. he just Knows things sometimes you know how it is. nah b/c i can relate to feeling like other ppl/ things arent real, thats the biggest mood BUT i think it is kinda pretentious to entertain the idea that youre the only Real person. If you dont see a body dont believe it. i'll hold out hope for a bit. theres not a new archivist is there? surely i wouldve heard about that. oh god peter what changes did you make. ep 123: web development. hope its about spiders. she blames him. bruh why. if they hadnt done anything the world would've ended piss off melanie. why are ppl acting like he chose to be in a coma for 6 months. we know this they just appear. no longer "head archivist of the magnus institute, london" now he's just "the archivist" covered in spiders? cuz ik the spider has to do with controlling what youre doing and all this stuff but i cant think of how this connects to that. ep 124: ugh vertigo. is michael crew an old man? oooh. fairchild. how did he know it was martin? hmm. GRR I LOST MY NOTES AGAIN. FROM EPISODE 125 - part of 131. ep 131: bruh he's so hard to understand big man ur voice is so low. Jared Hotworth. the boneturner. "the ones i helped find their proper bodies" name a better top surgeon? our favorite trans ally? ep 132: woo field trip into the coffin! static lol. he says "chill out im just poppin in for a quick recall mission" is the rib thing actually gonna work? bruh it feels so odd and contrived but he's an odd man with some odd powers so idk. rip that archivist ayyy statement time. voices? recordings? are those tape recorders? was it the tape recorders? did they pull him back? i hope so b/c if the rib thing actually worked im gonna be so disappointed. ep 133: predicting the lonely? tundra. like the lukases. hmm. sanikova! like sanikov land. so its the hunt? i suppose? yeah. so daisy's clearly rejecting the hunt, which makes sense cuz she doesnt seem to like the entities that much. wait so are we just not gonna talk abt all the tapes playing on the ground?? no? ep 134: not an archival assistant anymore? Adelard Decker (or however you spell it) i recognize that name. 15th power. i was right there are 15. the extinction? im trying to remember what ive heard. oooh spooky. no i gotta be real i dont understand this fear but i'll believe you that its a thing. ew lukas is so squealy. lukas can turn invisible? oh boy. oooh martin put the tape recorders there. lol lukas is worried he's gonna be an avatar of the eye. ep 135: yoo its the third Daedalus statement! maxwell rayner (reiner? reigner?) i dont know who that is but ik its somebody. is he the cult leader guy? church of the divine host? 4 people?? what? did they kidnap somebody and keep them up there?? oh dear jon are you dying? did he try to See or Know or whatever? why does everyone call basira detective lol. ep 136: he was the one from the spider movie that ate ppl right? the special effects artist? is it annabelle cane? "its a joke jon" lol. hmm they wanted to record the therapy session with melanie? i wonder who that is. i almost wanna guess annabelle cane but im not sure. ep 137: this is the one! he went to the other place and read the war statement but it wasnt the one she took. not the music again. sounds like the slaughter. who the heck is eric lol. "the watcher's crown" like the crown of eyes we saw in the piccrew ep 138: oh boy Robert Smirk time. is that elias? as unhelpful as usual. if new powers can be "born" can others die out? did jonah magnus wear the watchers crown? maybe they were born from our fear or maybe our fears were born from them. ceaseless watcher does ceaselessly watch so. idk what you want

big man. yeah jonah for sure did something. ep 139: agnes!! lol that one dude threw off all their plans thats so funny. BUT this does tell us something. the tree in the backyard of the hilltop house? not made by her. it going down didnt kill agnes. im guessing gertrude tied agnes to the house using the tree? u good jon? cuz every time you try to Know smth intentionally it seems like it causes you great pain. how come he can do it accidentally with no problem but the second he wants to know smth of plot relevance he gets a headache or whatever ep 140: lol pagan exultation. classic. "oh thats my rib" lmaoo. ppl are always so mad at jon and his Eye powers except when it benefits them. they're like "oh you shouldnt do that its not right" and then all of a sudden they want to know something and its all "oh cmon jon its the only way" ep 142: oh god jon what did you do. its interesting she's giving her statement in the way that they do when jon Asks. did he see her in the Coffin? and so he's following her? ok cmon jon you're supposed to let them come to you. lmao ikr martin. "start to hear the blood" "suure." lmao ep 143: lol that awkward moment when gertrude is already dead. big J if you die im gonna kill you. bruh. ayo helen? i guess it worked? ep 144: lol this reminds me of that one edgar allan poe story where he kills the old dude with the weird eye. spooky music stuff. lol thats my favorite symptom of a heart attack its hilarious. so its smth abt the location probably? bro i feel like you should write down the numbers idk. 162830165049 564846474827. seems like the distortion? like the kinda thing that causes you to go crazy because of the numbers. oh boy is it the extinction again. bro what?? im?? his dad just died and he's like eh. martin dont be mean. he's being all lonely again. big man ur pushing ppl away. oh god its fucking squealy boy. ep 145: that almost sounds like breekon/hope... Arthur? agnes. aah was he from the lightless flame cult. a tree. lol he's just ranting rn. hehehe fuck landlords amirite. yay someone tells jon outright to go to therapy. now do it big man. ep 146: oh great! the distortion! i'm making a spiral themed building in mc right now! jon maybe accept you did a bad? nah this goes back to what i said before. they're fine with him compelling ppl when its convenient for them but otherwise its "no jon you cant, youre a monster jon" the tapes didnt turn on. i spose that means its not important? i agree with daisy, this seems unecessarily dangerous. ep 147: is that a tape? the first tape? well that went better than i expected tbh. BAHAKJASHDJKF she did the "can i call you jon" like nikola says "elias, can i call you elias?" damn annabelle is such a girlboss. oh! the one thing from the picrew. its been a while since ive connected smth to that. lol all the other avatars always talk abt their patron so lovingly and the jon just. absolutely hates the eye. ep 148: lol thats the most elias thing. "i just like the way it sounds" ep 149: did he disappear? bruhh. ur lonely powers are popping off i guess. oops i accidentally deleted my notes for 150 - 152 ep 153: thats the cult right? yeah. it doesnt sound like the church of the divine host? idk. if it is the church of the divine host then they worship the dark right? so is the eleventh the dark star or wtvr? it almost sounds like the corruption b/c of the oil or grease or whatever. oh dear what happened. oh its the hunters. theyre so annyoing. not an "it" he has a name. he's a person. is this a page from the skin book? ep 154: oh shit this is gerry's dad! oh shit he quit! oh dear god. jon don't you do it. haha martin. yeahhhh... is he gonna tell the others? cuz you know theyre gonna get mad if he doesnt. oh also picrew connection! the bandages over the eyes? yeah thats this im guessing. ep 155: oh good he told them. oh my god what did you do. lol i have no mouth and i must scream. nah you get none of my sympathy you're straight up murdering ppl. its like the desolation, destroying lives to sustain your own. ok but taking their statements doesnt

kill them. oh... bye melanie. ep 156: lmao imagine if the tape recorder spoke back. oh boy decker! i swear we got a statement from him already. oh god mirrors scary. They're gonna eat the body arent they. Yup... sounds like the flesh or the slaughter, but I'm not sure. Could be the extinction for sure. Smth at the center! Like Helen mentioned. God Peter you dick. Ep 157: peter's just so :/ another decker statement i see. a statement about the corruption? hmm. maybe its not abt the corruption. the extinction. lol pandemics. topical. John Amherst. helen? lol i can hear admiral purring in the background. oh cmon helen dont be like that. im trying real hard to like you but you make it so difficult. ep 158: did they fucking free the stranger? im gonna lose it. you absolute dumbass. im sorry who is that? jonah magnus? my guy. peter. you absolute dickhead. that's elias. (im p sure i had this spoiled for me that elias is jonah) oh dear this is her death. god peter you prick. i hope this is a pop off martin moment and not a "martin you idiot" moment. i hope the hunters kill the stranger entity. or she kills them. furry daisy pop off! yeah fuck you peter martin can make his own decisions. you know that clip from Twisted where jafar says "ok what the fuck was that" martin D: ok like i know its gonna work but still D: D: ep 159: peter you bitchboy. because if im alone i cant hurt anyone else. imnotgonnacryimnotgonnacryimnotgonnacry do it do it do it do it. pop off jon. ok its a pretty good idea for a ritual i gotta be honest. she didnt even have to blow it up lol. oh dear that was certainly a noise. "he gets you" did he not have jon already? he's back! our boy is back! awwww thats so cute. ep 160: oh right this is the thing in the safe house. i love him. "obviously im going to tell you if i see any good cows" martin my beloved <3 :)) oh boy who is this. fuckin. people. jonah you dick. gahh. you can tell he's trying to resist so hard lol. ohh. hehe keep an *eye* on him. altho if the extinction is a real thing he needs to be marked by that right? lol he sounds so intense im sorry- i want martin to just burst in and be like "look at this cow i saw!" its so dramatic and for why.

ive been having some really weird dreams lately i mean yeah my dreams are always wack but like in a good way?? so yeah there was this garden but like those rich people greenhouses and its all just green and for some reason, daisuke’s fuckin dead like no nope not alive the last time you see him is when he’s sitting on a bench close to the entrance of the arboretum no dammit greenhouse i dont know and then i wake up and im like ???? obviously there was more but this is all i can remember but then my DUMBASS BRAIN starts WHIRLING and like any ordinary person i procrastinate getting out of bed by thoroughly constructing a plot that goes something like 

Kato’s an ace detective for the 1st division who’s slowly becoming less and less interested in his job as he gets older and decides to take on his last job at a recent murder scene - but this was no ordinary murder scene, this was the murder of the infamous Daisuke Kambe and okay i think you know where im going with this one

as the investigation continues however, and Kato learns more about the life of Daisuke Kambe, he becomes more and more entranced as his interest with the late unlimited-ionaire spirals into obsession because of the questionable decisions he made and... interesting path that his life took. 

and i dont know. its got like a noir vibe. suzue’s in it. ryo’s there too i was actually thinking about a hoshiharu subplot because i dont know thats the good stuff but all of this seemed SO damn familiar like i was thinking about it all day today which i mean hello id like to think about other things thanks haha but then it freakin hit me just now that this isnt just something my brain suddenly just spun into existence no no no i had (unknowingly) adapted the plot of fucking VERTIGO (YES THE HITCHCOCK FILM) INTO A FANFIC OF FKBUL WITH TWO ANIME BISHOUNENS AND I AM SO UPSET RN 

of course it aint just like the movie because daisuke’s dead as hell lmao but i mean even the green theme thing carried on??? what is wrong with me why do i keep stealing like this -

i mean i wasnt gonna talk about it yet because ive done literally nothing about it but one fic idea i had that im still very keen about is actually a lot like O Brother Where Art Thou?? and then i was like who cares ill just make it a OBWAT au but the thing is that my plot is actually kinda different to OBWAT and honestly im just stealing the vibes of it. also to give some more info into my fic it actually explores haru’s relationship with his family and stuff?? especially his mother, but like that’s just one thing about the fic most of the fic is the journey that haru takes to find his family again (Like in OBWAT) also poorsuke tags along much to the annoyance of haru but yeah he’s also got like. a subplot and all that

and this kinda turned into me talking about future fics so i hope its suitable to post lmao. thanks for reading if you got this far lol.                   

im starting to realize there’s a bunch of connections going on between tma episodes.. i dont know what it Means yet and dont tell me!!!!! ill get there!! but. hmmm. im going through the transcripts after i listen to them to make sure i didnt miss things/checking the details and i just. Keep Finding More Shit, it’s all connected, i feel like there’s something huge going on behind all these and i Do Not Know what it is yet 

this is. very long and disjointed i went through all the transcripts for every episode ive listened to so far and kept noticing more things 

like Don’t Tell Me if im right or wrong ill find out im just gathering thoughts. setting up my little conspiracy board. red strings everywhere

- firstly theres an obvious running thread going about the cursed jurgen leitner books, gerard keay, the. worms. and jane prentiss 

- carlos vittery in Arachnophobia mentions offhand that his complex had an infestation of “small, silvery worms” which passed right over my head the first time but looking at it again thATS THE FUCKIGN WORMS!!!! and martin found. Probably Jane in the basement of that same complex. so. well, (that also means like Who Knows how many people in that building might have gotten infected) (i also wonder whether the spiders might actually be Good, if the worms are hideous parasites maybe the spiders are showing up to eat them/get rid of them, martin says he likes spiders, the spiders almost definitely killed vittery but he was violently trying to wipe them out so maybe it was a greater good kind of thing) (or they’re just spiders and dont have that level of comprehension and like the nasty silver worms. either way) 

- there’s also a lot of Foretelling Of Death but i dont want to go through and list all of those rn

- in Anglerfish, there was some kind of. shadowy hand thing beckoning people into the darkness. Amy Patel in Across The Street describes seeing a similar shadowy hand thing reaching into Graham’s apartment before his. replacement. both of these are described as “folding” in on themselves/moving in a really unnatural way. smoking was also mentioned in both but i havent really been following that as a symbol very closely. possible link with Fire? i dont know

- Repetition. Graham was obsessively filling hundreds of notebooks with the words “Keep Watching,” mary keay’s skin was completely covered in unreadable script tattoos, the paper found by the garbage men was the Lord’s prayer written in latin over and over again, ivo lensik’s father became completely obsessed with fractals and couldn’t stop drawing them. the unnamed burned man in First Aid repeats an unclear phrase over and over again. gerard keay is also covered in tattoos of eyes in First Aid, which was not mentioned before (though probably wouldn’t have been visible before) 

- Graham was convinced he was being watched/followed by Something, harriet was concerned about being followed after she was attacked by prentiss (which. matches with martin’s experience too, though he was much more fortunate), vittery was followed by The Spider, lensik’s father also believed Something was coming for him (and “all the bones are in his hands” sounds very. leitner), and there was. whatever approaching darkness was coming after robert montauk, as well 

- Graham has a weirdly hypnotic table, the first Leitner book found by dominic swain had oddly vertigo-inducing woodcuttings, gerard keay’s eye painting is similarly hypnotic, lensik finds a box in the old tree with the same hypnotic carvings on it 

- not sure if the Spider Apple has any relation to the Arachnophobia episode, but, there’s that, also 

- swain’s book had an image of the sky, which he described felt like you would “fall into it” if you looked at it for too long, and robert kelly sort of “fell into the sky” in Freefall. laura popham describes a sense of being swallowed up by the earth in Lost Johns’ Cave, as well 

- same theme of becoming “lost” in Lost Johns’ Cave and in Alone, similar concepts of being consumed by the earth 

- i dont think its necessarily related to anything else as far as i know but just wanted to mention also i didn’t process the... extra audio recording in Lost Johns’ Cave correctly, i thought she was saying “help me, help me, please help me” which was unnerving, but didn’t really seem all that critical to add, until looking at the transcripts i realized it was “take her, not me” which was a HUGE punch to the gut when i discovered it lmao. dont ask how i managed to mishear that badly but i am very very bad at auditory processing which is why im reading all these scripts to make sure i didnt process them wrong

- Graham mentions he’s gay, and the man who had the dream about gertrude mentions having broken up with his boyfriend, Graham. jon doesn’t comment on this and it’s not necessarily the same graham, and im not sure what the significance is if it is, but it seems like an odd coincidence if it isn’t. “antonio” doesn’t go into detail about why they broke up, but mentions they had been living together 

- the name Joshua Gillespie stands out to me for some reason, like I’ve heard “gillespie” somewhere before, but I haven’t noticed it coming up again in any of the transcripts unless I just missed it. could just be that my brain decided to Remember that name for no reason though. he’s the guy with the coffin 

- jon mentions this, but Breekon and Hope deliveries were responsible both for the weird coffin and the yellow stole from the incident with father burroughs 

- there’s a major ongoing theme of Fire and Burning, both just in general, and a more specific Fire With No Apparent Source thing continuously happening. the prayer paper in the trash had been burned, timothy hodge burned his apartment after the Worms Incident (and martin mentions noticing one of the worms looked slightly burnt - maybe it survived the fire and returned to jane?), sgt. berry was “distinctively marked” by an incident with a flamethrower, the vampires are supposedly very very vulnerable to fire, raymond fielding’s house burned down and his. ghost? disappears with a burning smell and a burnt spot on the floor, lensik experiences an intense, unbearable heat with no clear cause soon after the encounter with raymond, which father burroughs also experiences in his account. the mysterious coffin in Do Not Open had an unnatural heat to it. gerard keay burns the leitner book and picks up the still-smoldering ashes but isn’t concerned with the heat, and then appears again as one of the burned men in First Aid, having apparently experienced second-degree burns on every inch of his skin, but had completely undamaged clothes. the nurse describes feeling a burning sensation when the chanting starts, but dismisses it as a nervous reaction, then experiences the. boiling drink bottles and the burning hot door handles. she says she could feel a burning heat from gerard’s hand. the burned man’s body immediately self-cremates when gerard kills him. lee rentoul also gives specifically a lighter to angela for her Piecemeal curse, though that might be coincidental. he does burn the first box after he discovers it, though

- the garbage man describes the last Weird Trash as “tied off with a dark green ribbon, arranged in a bow like an old-fashioned Christmas present” - which contained a copper heart, possibly symbolizing alan’s real heart, with the rest of his body never being found. this matches both with robert montauk’s killings and the cursed boxes from angela’s curse- “brown paper and string, like an old-fashioned Christmas present.” there was also the weird thing with raymond’s hand, but im not sure that’s related 

the vampires’ victims bodies also seemed to disappear, not sure that’s related either 

- jon confirms that the pendant julia describes (the one belonging to her mother and also her father’s last victim) is a symbol of the People’s Church of the Divine Host cult. wondering if this is related to what father burroughs experienced. gerard keay is searching for a lost pendant in First Aid, but its design is unclear, and he describes it as brass. unsure if related. the fact that gerard’s tattoos/etc were of eyes, and the other pendant is of a closed eye, while one is made of brass and the other of silver seems like there might be some connection though even if it isn’t the same one. there didn’t seem to be any burning involved with the montauk case, anyway 

then there’s. this entire thing im just gonna paste it here, from sebastian adekoya in the Boneturner’s Tale: 

“Books are amazing, aren’t they? I mean, when you think about what they really are. People don’t give the actuality of language the weight it deserves, I feel. Words are a way of taking your thoughts, the very make-up of yourself, and giving them to another. Putting your thoughts in the mind of someone else. They are not a perfect method, of course, as there’s plenty of scope for mutation and corruption between your mind and that of the listener, but that doesn’t change the essence of what language is.

Spoken aloud, though, the thought dies quickly if not picked up. Simple vibrations that vanish almost as soon as they are created, though if they find a host, then they can lodge there, proliferate, and maybe spread further. Still, it is not a reliable method in terms of a thought’s endurance, as humans are fragile creatures, and rarely last a century.” 

this definitely seems relevant to jurgen leitner (and this is. one of the episodes about a leitner book, so) it definitely seems likely that he’s spreading some kind of.... Belief or Self or Power or Something through his books, possibly even his own consciousness is within them somehow, or at least the consciousness of Something or Someone. the man with all the bones in his hands. taking bones and warping them. bones appearing in the pages but Wrong. might be related to the bag of teeth, too, hundreds of All The Same Tooth

definitely something to the... immortalization of thoughts/memories/Consciousness through written word, especially when we consider the words literally tattooed into mary keay’s skin/the book possibly bound in her skin. i cant put a coherent thought together on this but its definitely... important, i think 

sebastian also for some reason specifically mentions he was holding a copy of Stephen King’s Misery in the confrontation with Jared’s mother, which is a story about an author being forced to write something against his will/words that aren’t really his own, to appease someone else, which. seems like it might be relevant somehow too, maybe. the fact that it was named specifically when it wasn’t apparently relevant to the story seems interesting 

it’s mac again ! i’m bringing over an old-ish oc that i hardly got to play but really loved ( which means that this intro is long bc i have a lot of thoughts about my son ) !! pls welcome my babiest baby boi, TEDDY LEUNG . 

☕ . ˚ ◝ ( lucas wong. cismale. he/him. ) theodore “teddy” leung is a twenty year old aries. the freelancer’s go-to order is vanilla creme frappe with two pumps of raspberry syrup and extra whip cream. they like to listen to ring ding dong by shinee while they wait for their order. the employees of the deja brew think they are meek but swear they’re totally optimistic as well. maybe that’s why a spray paint can, a velcro chain wallet, and earbuds remind me of them.  

PINTEREST

mentions of ptsd. injury. 9/11. deafness. 

i. born and fostered out of love, teddy leung is the son of a first generation chinese american military officer and a thai lounge singer. having met while his father was stationed overseas, his parents fell in love but just before they could get their relationship could fully bloom, teddy’s father was sent back to america. regretfully, teddy’s parents parted ways but even with an ocean between them, the culmination of their short-lived romance grew into a new life.

ii. teddy was a surprise, to everyone involved, and in fear for his love and his child’s life in the hands of her traditionalist parents ( afterall she was young, unwed and pregnant ), teddy’s father sent for her, causing her to have to leave everything she knew behind for a man she knew for only eight months. but they were in love and they both felt as if their situation was the fates telling them to be together.

iii. teddy came into the world kicking and screaming, his little lungs gasping for air as his limbs stretched out of their confines for the first time. an explosive ball of energy that his mother ate up and his father smiled down on protectively. he was their special boy, golden and proof that all their hardships -- the arguments, the alienation of her family, the stress -- was all worth it in the end.

iv. and for the first few years, it was harmonious. all focus was on raising teddy and providing for him, his father training the battalion on fort irwin and his mother working as a music teacher for the kids in the area. then, in the aftermath of 9/11, teddy’s father was deployed for five years on active duty in afghanistan where he served until a hostile bombing left him injured.

v. returning home after all that time away was an adjustment for teddy’s father, having to cope with not only the strain of physical therapy and ptsd, but also with his 7-year-old son whom he hadn’t spent any real time with since the boy was three. but, teddy, with his big, wondering eyes and even bigger, tender heart, tried to connect with his father the way he was close with his mother.

vi. but even then, there was only so much that teddy and his father could see eye to eye on. art and music became a big part of teddy’s life, while sport and the sciences were his father’s interests. it alienated them both from each other, for the short while before teddy’s father accepted a recruitment job in san diego and became busy again.

vii. in san diego, teddy found a little more independence, enrolling in the local public school instead of the school on the army base. and things were fine, again, until they weren’t. by the time teddy was 11, he developed ménière’s in his left ear, causing him to become hard of hearing on top of bouts of vertigo and tinnitus. he fought a lot with his parents then, his angsty teenage bullshit hitting an absolute peak early on when his parents wanted him to get fitted for an aid and he wanted to just let nature take its course ( he still has his one good ear, he’d argue ).

viii. eventually, they came to an agreement, that teddy would go to counselling and learn asl in lieu of getting an aid, and that teddy wouldn’t complain when his family relocated again in the beginning of his freshman year of high school. moving, this time to colorado, drove a deeper wedge between teddy and his father. and as much as he loves the man, they just didn’t seem to click anymore.

ix. so teddy tried to be a good son for him, focused on school and behaved the best he could. it was only after teddy started applying for university, that he felt the spark of excitement again. the possibility of going back to the place he was the longest, to southern california, was all that he cared about. his college years were going to be the time he became more independent from his parents, finally gaining some semblance of his own person beyond what his parents tried to mold him into.

***DISCLAIMER: teddy is written by a hearing person and his condition may be written inaccurately. please know that i am not at all trying to offend anyone who is HoH and that i will do my best to research and be mindful of the portrayal of his hearing loss. that being said, if you are offended by the way i portray his hearing loss in any capacity, please message me privately so we can have a conversation and i can learn from my mistake.

quick fax  

- is an army brat so he moved around a lot growing up ; spent high school years elsewhere, but moved back to cali for university  - is studying accounting bc ,,, idk its stable and he’s never really had stability in his life until now - such a glass half full person but is that one ‘ everything is fine ’ meme  - will try anything once ; whether or not it sticks depends on how much he ends up enjoying it - would also stand up 2 someone but immediately regret it after - is hard of hearing in his left ear ( ménière’s disease ) so he will lean toward the noise to hear better aka im so sorry if he’s in ur bubble, he just cant hear what uR’E SAYING  - he’s ,,, ,v loud w/o realizing it  - bc of his meniere’s he can’t have caffeine ( lol ) but he likes the cafe culture and likes to go to deja brew to sketch - also has earbuds in like 24/7 ; gets nagged by his mom that he SHOULDN’T but like ,,,, he’s accepted that his hearing is gonna get worse anyway so LMAO - doesn’t wear an aid and hasn’t used sign language in a very long time but still remembers a lot of it - teddy vc: what ?  - does the graffiti on the weekends , pls dont tell his mom ; art is his “hobby” as his dad would say , v artistic and likes to go to moca on their free nights  - loves all kinds of music, esp mongolian throat singing ; impressionism is his favorite art movement ; thinks rupi kaur is a charlatan but she’s making money off white people so : / - has a tattoo on his right buttcheek bc why not , someone probably dared him to - naturally wakes up at 6 am, no matter how late he was up the night before ; goes on morning runs  - incidentally, he also takes a lot of naps during the day - is technically (f)unemployed ; answers craigslist ads for cash, nothing shady, just like cleans old ladies homes and helps people move furniture - owns a second hand bicycle with a woven basket in the front uwu ; may or may not have found it at a junk yard - will stop to pet a dog on the side of the street ; will also point out animals when he passes them   - think andy dwyer, john mulaney, jake peralta, miles morales, jason mendoza and others i cant care to look up rn but u get the idea i hope 

possible connections

roommates / housemates, classmates / schoolmates, friends, enemies ( tho he’d probably cry if u told him u didnt like him ), lovers / ex lovers, etc. whatever come yell at me if u want something. find me here or on discord ( 𝖎𝖈𝖊𝖉 𝖔𝖚𝖙 𝖒𝖞 𝖜𝖗𝖎𝖘𝖙, 𝖙𝖎𝖙𝖆𝖓𝖎𝖈#3596 ) 

Rules: answer the prompt and tag 20 (or as many people as you feel like) blogs you would like to know better!!

Tagged by: @laboradorescence​ (ty!)

im not tagging anyone tho bc i am Tired and in the middle of finals and choosing people to tag just sounds like more brainpower than im capable of being willing to do rn but literally if you follow me or we’re mutuals or w/e then don’t hesitate to do this as if i tagged you if you want!

Nickname(s): Cam would be the closest thing i can think of atm (my irl name is cameron)

Star sign: Leo

Height: 5′7″

Time: 7:37pm

Birthday: August 11 (only four days off from @laboradorescence​, nice)

Favorite bands/artists: my fave is EDEN for sure (used to go by The Eden Project, as always i recommend anything by him from his EPs or his debut album “vertigo”), my second fave is greyson chance (he’s grown up and still putting out music and it’s really really good, also he’s openly gay which is Cool for my lil gay heart), and rn i’ve also been listening to jeremy zucker, florence + the machine, ATO, and troye sivan to name a few artists

Song(s) stuck in my head: i keep a youtube playlist up to date with all the songs im listening to atm so hmu if you want the link to that, but the songs from that that are most stuck in my head are “Strawberries and Cigarettes” (troye sivan), “Untitled (For Now)” (oliver daldry), and “Lighthouses” (fabian mazur and greyson chance)

Last movie I watched: tbh im not sure, i think it mightve been black panther a lil while back

Last TV show I watched: scandal! the last season just got put on netflix so im watching that

What I post: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ “humor” (if you can call it that anymore) posts, cool poetry from people on here, cool photography / cool art from people on here, pride-related things, idk man. Things

Do I get asks: like in general? not super often if that’s what this is asking but i like getting them every once in a while

URL meaning: my old url has its own post i made about it i believe, but my current one is based off my fave character from the Guardians of Ga’Hoole series, otulissa, bc that series has always been super near and dear to my heart since i was growing up (and i will forever be bitter at how horribly the first three books were made into a movie with a p much completely different plot with different characters and different themes and without a super key plot twist but it’s fine i’m fine we’re all fine!). anyway otulissa is a bit of a know-it-all but also is still kind and hardworking and stubborn and all sorts of other things. but yea at one point i decided it’d be neat to have an online moniker that was short and unique to me but didn’t allude to my actual name at all and this is what happened

Average hours of sleep: every night is an outlier at this point, idek. mayyybe recently 7 hours but instead of being consistently at night i keep almost being nocturnal which is a problem since classes and Happening Things are during the day

Nationality: American

Actually nice asks 1-60

1. Will be posted! 

2. Aspen if it’s a girl Remus if it’s a boy 

3. I miss a lot of people, but right now I miss Chris 

4. I’m looking forward to the halloween haunt this friday! 

5. yes actually! Chris, Hunter, dani, you can if you try!!! 

6. depending on how things were left yes. if it ended bady it takes me a lot longer 

7. Not much different from this year 

8. yes! I cry a lot actually (everything stresses me out) 

9. my friend Katie i guess 

10. No i’m a sad and soft baby who shows their emotions way too often 

11. Yes! I’m listening to King by Lauren Aquilina rn

12. yeah a snuggle, a snooze, a kiss and choke.

13. sleepy little bab who needs a nap lol

14. last night my friend julian gave me a hug 

15. Soft with a heart of gold who’s very silly and clumsy  

16. Yes out of fear of hurting some ones feelings.  :( 

17. it’s kay to have insecurities everyone has them i find but know you’re still amazing either way!!

18. not exactly It was fun and i’ll have lots of happy memories, but its time to grow and move on 

19. I have! twice!! 

20. Hard times by paramore! 

21. hehe 21 and december 27th 

22. tall brown eyes and hair a smile that could kill, strong, covered in tats 

23. heights, angry people, men raising their voice, having all my teeth fall out (i have a recurring night terror about this) 

24. 6′0″ 

25. I don’t really have any role models. i really need some one to look up to 

26. Also don’t nave any idols haha

27. i hate mean people and being ignored 

28. You scratch/pet  my head or literally just call me princess or some shit 

29. As above so below!!!!

30. Nashville, santa clarita diet, and I-zombie

31. born in asia, likes beer, always a slut of cuddles 

32. mainly guys. my one specific group of guy friends are like overprotective big brothers (even though im the second oldest in the group) and i love them all so much 

33. I’d love to learn latin 

34. I got extreme vertigo in uni once and had to have my friend carry me back to my own room 

35. Right now full dentures tbh 

36. go to scotland, fall in love, pass my course 

37. favourite actor is jake gyllenhal 

38. russel peter, iliza shlezinger 

39. hockey!!!!

40. Discovering tree rings for the first time 

41. relationship status is complicated 

42. darkest evening of the year

43. we found eachother by city and colour 

44. 16 sometimes 

45. I don’t really have idols 

46. last text sent just says “oh” 

47. whispering, neck bites, spankings, wandering hands, spine kisses, hair grabbing

48. I don’t really know…. 

49. In Chris’s arms 

50. once again I don’t have an idol

51. Capricorn 

52. I’m very good at getting people to open up to me?? idk people just say things they normally wouldn’t say 

53. sunshine, snow fall, warm oversized sweaters, Big bear hugs, and being squished by some one!!!

54. if i’m good enough for him and school and everything. i’m very anxious 24/7 

55. @asscream-sundae @sw4gman @demonictoxin (@fullmetalmoogle and @artroms 

56. Apples (preferably in slices, but i need help slicing bcs i mess them up) strawberries, salt and vinegar chips, hot sauce chicken and concerto cookies!!

57. Dogs!!! SHARKS!!! BIRDS!! AAAA TOO MANY!!! 

58. She’s to hard to describe, but @hell-oh-love is her tumblr

59. some one told me to so i did…

60. GO FOR IT I DARE U TO ASK ME ANYTHING YOU WANT! 

Thank you for asking!!!

just an average morning...

alien documentaries and mbmbam relistens so thats good

difficulty controlling my body/discomfort, moving like a robot

attempting to do chores but having to support myself against walls in order to move around the house

limited range of visual focus

horrible pains in both of my wrists, mostly the left bc i stim too much and its still got two goddamn growths in it

kinda dissociating but not enough that its stopping me from doing anything

eating a capris salad aka a pile of mozzarella and a tomato bc im too exhausted to figure out anything else rn

inability to sit up/ having to lean on cushions at weird angles

getting randomly triggered and sobbing after reading about children being kind to each other because no one did that shit for me when i needed it

trying to paint but my eyes not focusing long enough

trying not to be resentful about my current situation

wave of nausea and vertigo in response to a loud noise

This is an important message to all of my partners. 

So a partner of mine recently asked me if I was coming back to this blog, and it really upset me because I know I’ve been gone this year longer than usual, and tbh everything in my life is kind of a hot mess right now. But I AM COMING BACK. I feel the need to make you guys aware of a few situations so that you understand why I haven’t been here. 

First of all, I’m in the LAST MONTH of my LAST TERM of graduate school. I’m done in 20 days. Anyone in grad school knows that it is MUCH more strenuous than regular college, and I’m going to grad school while still holding down a job, so my time is super limited to begin with. This is my LAST MONTH to do revisions to my master’s thesis novel, which at present is 50,700 words long. That’s a lot of edits. I turn it in on May 15th. 

Lately, my free time has been dwindling even further because I’m dealing with a pretty painful health issue. There’s a very good chance that I have endometriosis, a disorder in which tissue that normally lines the uterus grows outside the uterus. It is super fucking painful. I haven’t been having to deal with my severe chronic pain because for the last 7-8 years I was on the depo shot. You can’t take the depo shot for more than 6 years, so a month ago, they took me off (and changed my sleep meds and a bunch of other stuff that made me sick for a good week). We’re trying to find something else that works, and to find an OBGYN to help me. In the meantime, I’m in agony most days. My anxiety meds also make me prone to vertigo and dizzy spells, so that’s super fun too. 

What precious little free time I have these days has been going to my Lyanna Stark blog @nivallis, for two reasons. The first was that I had just rebooted her in December before everything went to hell, and I owed a lot of starters and was trying to get the blog on its feet. Then I hired my good friend Annie to make Lyanna’s theme back in December and it’s still not done. I talk to her every day and I’ve been busting my ass to get all of the content to her asap so she’s not waiting on me bc I don’t want any more delays. We are almost done, though, so I think the new theme should be up in May. Things are starting to even out there activity-wise. 

My laptop charger fucking died on Friday with no warning. Since Sony doesn’t even make laptops anymore, their chargers are proprietary-- meaning I can’t just go out and buy a universal charger. The charger I ordered will be in on Thursday, hopefully. Until then, I’ve been using my mother’s laptop, which has NONE of my files. No icons, no tags, nothing. I GOT MY CHARGER IN WOOOOO

The most important part of this post is to let you all know that I HAVE NOT ABANDONED THIS BLOG. I check  the activity here every day. All my threads are drafted (I have like thirty drafts rn). I will not be dropping ANY threads unless YOU want me to. If you feel like you’ve lost muse or that you’ve been waiting too long and don’t want to write with me anymore, I understand. I know you all have to wait because we’re exclusive. I respect that, and I respect you guys. Just let me know. I personally don’t lose muse. I’m just so busy, sick and in pain, and technologically tied up right now, that I haven’t been able to do anything here. But I will. Please feel free to IM me whenever and for whatever. You are NEVER a bother to me, and I ALWAYS want to hear from you. My sk.ype is necromanteia. Just let me know who you are when you add me. I love you guys, and I miss you all. 

TAGGING:  @acallofchaos, @anarchywithin, @beguilcd, @bethisms, @consumcd, @daryliisms, @dothcmath, @fuckingeigersanction, @ireofembers, @ivoryribcage, @nctbitten, @notthegoodgrimes, @onere, @radiasi, @sacrificalis-matrem, @tallahxssee, @stxntsman, @speedysurvives, @tragedyveined, @wxchita, @xthemutegirl.