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darklesmylove · 2 years

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okay so like… i have ideas for a sequel to if you’ll let me. thoughts?? 😳

#darklesmylove #darklesmylove writing #if you’ll let me

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wistfullywaiting2 · 1 month

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The biggest misconception in the bsd fandom ever to me is people constantly portraying Atsushi as someone who trauma dumps excessively when he canonically barely talks about it at all.

The entire point is that Atsushi does not talk about his trauma he’s just constantly thinking about/reliving it. He can’t escape the memories of his past so he tries not to acknowledge them.

He only mentions it when asked, either directly or when someone asks him to explain himself.

Atsushi doesn’t even give a cohesive explanation for what he saw while under Dogra Magra, he just apologizes to Haruno and Naomi.

If Lucy hadn’t had her whole “you’ve never suffered the way I have” spiel then I doubt even the audience would’ve gotten to find out about his scars

If Akutagawa never asked him how it felt for the orphanage headmaster to die Atsushi would have never told him that he’s been hallucinating.

In the omake where Kyoka asks him why his hair is like that it’s clear he wouldn’t have told her that unless she had asked.

In 55 minutes Atsushi very briefly mentions sleeping on a dirty floor somewhere to Kunikida because he was trying to explain and justify his behavior.

And the thing is that there are scenes that implies that the other characters see Atsushi behaving strangely and are visibly confused because they do not understand what’s wrong with him.

Remember, we as an audience get to see things about characters that the main cast doesn’t. Just because we see into Atsushi’s mind doesn’t mean the other characters know what’s going on in there.

Also little footnote here that I think the scenes with Lucy and Akutagawa in specific are probably references to the moon over the mountain but I digress

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ikiprian · 2 months

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yeah yeah, jason todd’s dip in the ecto-lazarus pit changed something in him irrevocably, enough that he feels a resonance with fellow living-dead danny we’ve all been there

but you know who else has been killed and was revived by the lazarus pit? another member of the batfamily, a fellow hero, world class fighter, stubbornly believes in second chances and redemption? cassandra motherfuckin’ cain

#WRITE HER IN YOU COWARDS!!!!#dpxdc #dcxdp #cassandra cain #danny fenton #shes SO cool shes SO interesting. she holds herself to impossible standards she was killed by her brother whom she tried to save #shes ruthless and relentless and she projects onto every killer she sees hyperempathetic #and the whole fight that kills her shes like LET ME HELP YOU PLEASE #please read batgirl (2000) if you guys like fucked up resurrection stuff and parents bring evil and defiance of fate you’ll love cass #kipthought

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wordsinhaled · 9 months

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just little tiny things i’m noticing that are sending me into a tailspin:

even with the entire range of emotion his facial expression went through at first - aziraphale’s eyes are closed when crowley pulls back from kissing him

his bowtie is askew from how crowley was crushed against him and yet prim-and-proper aziraphale doesn’t have the presence of mind to care one bit

when aziraphale touches his lips his hand is literally shaking violently. listen… what in the brideshead revisited self-denying repression. boy has he got it BAD for crowley

he also tries like three times to back out once metatron comes back because he’s realized he fucked up - asks about the bookshop and tries to stay, eyes darting toward the window, starts to say he thinks he needs to go

part of me is sure nothing would’ve worked to get him to change his mind but i’m also half-convinced if metatron hadn’t come back at that precise moment aziraphale might’ve gone after crowley after all because [tenth doctor voice] what. what. what

#michael sheen drop your location i just wanna TALK #good omens #good omens 2 #go2 #good omens 2 spoilers #ineffable husbands #for the az haters you’ll see NONE OF THAT FROM ME i am cradling him in my arms #that angel just wants to be happy and doesn’t know how to let himself

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melonbite · 11 months

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drew fanart for one of my favourite bktd fics: heaven can wait by bluemoonrabbit.

even if you’ve never watched/read nge, go check it out (and then be so delighted by the fic, you go watch nge. like me!)

#bakutodo #todobaku #my hero academia #todoroki shouto #bakugou katsuki #thanks for letting me share jackie!! idk if you’ll see thsi on tumblr but hehe💛#hospital cw #injuries cw #hospital #injuries #i draw

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flowercrowngods · 7 months

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felt like letting mike and steve work through some shit again

cw: descriptions and imagery of them being lost and self-sacrificing, left alone with trauma they have no means to work through, could read as suicidal tendencies or intrusive thoughts

🤍 also on ao3

“What do you want?” Mike asks when Steve sits down beside him, gravel crunching, their feet dangling over the dark and endless abyss that is the quarry at night.

Steve doesn’t answer right away, doesn’t really know what to say now that he’s here, now that he found him. He looks so small, now more than ever, and it reminds Steve so painfully that he’s still just a child. He was always just a child, and children shouldn’t—

It feels like they got their rights at a childhood revoked years ago, and then they were just… supposed to be okay with it. It was expected, it was implied when nobody came to talk to them after.

When all they got was one NDA after another. When none of the professionally trained adults took one look at the children that they were, and asked, Are you okay? What do you need to be okay? I will talk to you once a week and make sure you learn how to be okay again.

Steve feels like a big brother to most of the kids now, sure, but he’s not their shrink, and he sucks when it comes to actually talking about shit. He can be there to drive them anywhere, can provide an evening of distractions and as much of a sanctuary as a house as haunted as his can be.

With everything else, though, he’s helplessly lost. So he says nothing, weighs his words to make sure they come out right — especially for Mike, who’s always just waiting for him to say something wrong and throw it back in his face with the sunny disposition of a feral, rabid cat.

“Hey,” Mike says then, irritated again; but his voice is hoarse, too. Tired. No heat behind it after that stupid fight with Dustin and Lucas earlier tonight that made him snap and leave Steve’s house in a frenzy. “I said, What do you want?”

Steve shrugs, looking ahead into the darkness that feels endless and alluring and deeply terrifying.

I miss my friend! My best friend, Mike!

“Making sure you’re okay.”

You’ve changed, you know that? You’re not the guy who would jump off a cliff for me anymore, I don’t think I even know you anymore!

Dustin’s voice echoes in Steve’s mind as it undoubtedly does in Mike’s, too, and he can only imagine how much that hurts, especially if he’s shivering like that even though the night is warm for early September.

“I’m okay,” Mike says, sounding endlessly annoyed about the fact. Steve almost huffs out a humourless laugh. Yeah, right.

“Sure you are,” Steve says, keeping his tone carefully neutral.

He shrugs off his jacket and drapes it over Mike’s shoulders without a comment, half-expecting him to just throw it into the darkness below. But Mike doesn’t move, is eerily still beside him, pretending not to notice that Steve’s watching him.

“But you know it’s, like,” he starts again and trails off, looking for the right words because this is unfamiliar terrain and the ground beneath his feet is quite literally nonexistent. “It’s fine if you’re not, right? It’s actually really fucking normal to be more than a little fucked up after everything, all that crazy shit. Or just… in general.”

You were twelve, he wants to say. You were twelve and you jumped off from here. You were twelve and you were going to die. And not because of those monsters, not yet. Just because… you were twelve.

Mike doesn’t say anything, but the gravel crunches once more as he reaches for a handful of stones to throw them into the darkness one by one, the void beneath them so enormous that they don’t even hear the noise of impact.

You jumped.

The longer Mike remains silent, the more Steve wants to scream, wants to grab him by the shoulders and shake him, wants to make him see and understand that Steve knows about the scars a decision like that leaves, especially when you live to deal with the consequences.

He gets seizures to deal with the consequences. His ear is fucky, his eye is twitchy, his head is aching constantly, he gets migraines that knock him out for a day or two, all because he wanted to protect his friends. All because he did protect his friends. It worked. They’re safe.

But they’re also unaware of… of everything. Of the horrible stillness as clarity dawns and all signs point to the one way that always seems to work. The one easy way out, and still the hardest of them all when the plan goes wrong and he makes it out alive. When It’s gotta be me is the only thing to say, but later turns into an angry It never should have been me because the world looks different when it’s smeared with your blood.

And it’s always the lost boys who make decisions like that. Steve wonders, some nights in cold sweat, what happens if he makes these decisions without immediate danger. What happens if he just… decides to jump. Decides to run. To give the world more of his blood. Without saving anyone.

It’s not like he wants to — but he’s terrified that it’s just who he is. Who he’s turned into, terrified that his friends will forever expect him to.

And he’s even more terrified knowing that Mike jumped before he learned about monsters. Before he learned about fighting and surviving.

You were a kid, he wants to say again, but his throat is closing up on him.

“I don’t think that’s okay actually,” Mike says after a while, tearing Steve away from his fears. They’re still both looking ahead rather than at each other, but it’s fine. They’re still here. “Like, people say it is, but it feels so empty when they do, you know? Like, sure, yeah, I’m not fucking okay, but what the hell do we do about that now? Oh, right, I know! Let’s throw it in my face that I’m not good enough for you anymore now that there’s no monsters to kill anymore. Now that I’m just Mike, who’s not even enough to be that anymore, sure. Right. Yeah. Let’s pretend it’s all fine, Steve, let’s pretend it’s okay to hurt all the fucking time!”

Mike is shaking now, violent tremors running through his body, and Steve’s first instinct is to reach out and pull him close, to keep him from that edge and take him to his car; turn on the heating and talk there. But Mike seems to need the darkness, seems to need to be faced with endless depth to give voice to his thoughts.

“What Dustin said was messed up. He shouldn’t have said that.”

Mike shrugs, throwing more pebbles into the darkness, though his motions have lost their vigour. “He’s right, though.”

Steve sighs, though not unkindly. “No, he’s not. Hey, listen to me.” He waits until Mike turns to meet his eyes, and he leans forward. “It’s not okay. It’s not right what he said. You don’t deserve to have that shit thrown in your face just because Dustin is a tactless little douche bag.”

Taking a bullet for someone is not the baseline for friendship, he wants to say, and it occurs to him once again how fucked up their perception and idea of friendship must be, now that they’ve all bonded over the most horrific shit and actual grief they never learned how to work through.

It’s not even Dustin’s fault, not really. They’re all just collateral damage to something Bigger, and all they have is each other, leaving them in a vicious cycle that is so, so fucked up.

“Why’d you jump?” he asks eventually, quiet in case the darkness tries to listen in. “Back then, why did you jump?” And do you wish El had let you? Do you sometimes wish that? When your room is quiet and it’s only you living with all those silent, terrible decisions?

Mike shrugs again, but there’s not much fight left in him, Steve can see that, can feel it in the air between them.

“Will was gone,” he says like it explains everything— and it sort of does. Steve has seen the way these boys look at each other when the other’s not looking, he has seen the hurt and the anger and the gentleness stored there, the words unspoken and the fear that, despite interdimensional monsters, kinda goes unmatched.

Because they have each other. They only have each other. And if someone’s suddenly different than what they thought they knew, if someone’s suddenly different, then… Everything might just fall apart.

And Steve wants to grab him again; wants to pull him close and say, I’m the same. We have the same scars. We have the same!

Slowly, carefully, he does lean over now, weaving an arm around Mike’s shoulders and pulling him into his side.

“I get that.”

Mike swallows heavily and exhales shakily. “I don’t think you do.”

“No. I think I really, really do. But it’s okay, Mike. You won’t be alone with this, okay. I’m on your side, you little shit.”

A pause, a beat, a moment’s respite. Then, “Why?”

“Because,” his heart is racing, his mouth trembling around forming the words for the first time, but he knows it’s the right thing to do. Knows it’s important.

Knows it might just save a life.

“Because I fell harder for Eddie Munson than I ever thought possible, and once i found out what was happening, I kind of wanted to jump off a cliff, too. But I didn’t, because I had someone with the same fears as me, and instead of stupid shit we just… Cried together sometimes. Screamed into our pillows. Laughed with and at each other, calling ourselves hopeless, and— I don’t know. It’s really fucking scary, and that doesn’t go away just because you have someone to talk to. But it‘s… better. It’s so much better.”

He huffs, swallowing around the lump in his throat, smiling into the darkness.

“So I’ve got you, okay? Whatever it is, whatever makes you feel like it’s not fucking okay, I’ve got you. You come to me, yeah? Lucas does, Dustin does, even Max does. This is your official, standing invitation and whatever, okay, dickhead?”

Mike shoves at him lightly, still not parting from the rather awkward side-hug they’ve got going on, and Steve is glad for it.

“Okay, okay, geez,” the little shithead says, rolling his eyes which Steve can see even in the dark, and it feels like the edge has moved away from them, like they have solid ground beneath their feet again.

Steve doesn’t say anything more after that, just waiting for Mike to stir to lead him back to the car, load in his bike and take him wherever he feels like spending the night.

But Mike doesn’t move for another long while, and it makes Steve feel like something big has just happened between them. Like they finally have found the common ground that Steve’s been suspecting they had for months now, even years.

Eventually, as they make their way to the car and Mike goes to grab his bike, he speaks up again, but more subdued now.

“Hey, Steve?”

“Hmm?”

“Does… Does Eddie know?”

“About what?” My tendencies to take a leap off the edge?

“You. Being…”

“Oh!” A smile as he unlocks his car and opens the back door to squeeze Mike’s old bike in there with minimal smears of dirt. “I’d hope so, we’ve been dating for months.”

“You’re dating?! You? Eddie’s dating you?”

“Yeah, listen, do you want me to just leave you here or would you rather be thrown out in the middle of nowhere?”

Mike grumbles something unintelligible as he climbs into the front seat, waiting for Steve to start the engine before he speaks up again.

“It’s just, you’re so… How did you even do that?”

Steve laughs at that, disbelieving and all, because, “Trust me, I have no idea. Must have been the ol’ Harrington charm and all that.”

Mike rolls his eyes and crosses his arms in front of his chest, sinking lower in the seats to pout. “You’re so lame.”

“Sorry, I couldn’t hear you over how much I have a boyfriend and you don’t.”

If his heart skips a beat because it still feels like a forbidden truth saying the word out loud despite the playful banter, then he’s ignoring that in favour of revving the engine.

“Asshole.”

“Dickhead.”

“Grow up,” Mike says, but Steve can see the smile he’s not even trying to hide, and he mirrors it with his own as he turns on the radio catching the final tunes of Springsteen’s Dancing in the Dark.

They’re not okay, none of them. But the car is warm, the cliff’s edge is behind them, and they’re not listening to the same ten songs anymore.

They’re getting better, step by tiny step.

#stranger things fanfic #steve & mike #steve harrington #mike wheeler #steddie #<- mentioned but established #byler #<- implied & yearning #i am projecting HARD with this one #i’m so so convinced steve and mike are directly juxtaposed in their development with very similar trauma #this probably makes sense to no one but me but alas #let them be fucked up while life continues and let them be unable to handle it #i feel like it’s all over the place but if you’ve ever had a single vulnerable conversation then you’ll know this is how they can go #dio words

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vilsoo · 6 months

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my mutuals (majority that had bigger blogs) have all been dropping like dead flies because of a toxic, pathetic writer on this app that drove all them off. rip to munsonsins, getoswhore, kazushawty, literally everyone. and those that have heen affected yet still continue to stay on this app, i hope you’re all doing fine. but these ppl were driven off all because of jealousy reasons, false plagiarism accusations, death threats, cyberbullying, you fucking name it. we lose so much good works and genuine people on here that created their own platforms for the purposes of consuming fanfiction/writing fanfiction 😐 but since they were being dragged into discourse with a certain someone on this app, it’s crazy how their followers dickride the shit out of that thing and send hate/death threats to them through anon like wowww. 😹

#( ♥︎ ) — messy talk.#tw discourse #now what i don’t fucking understand is just letting the large amount of followers you have getting into your head #becoming all egotistical and treat every innocent writer on here like they’re fucking inferior to you #you are a grown ass 25 year old woman that likes to age up minors and write some fucked up smut about them #imagine having to choose between the struggles of acting like a child or sexualizing a child????#also #i really dgaf about the excuse of them being “fictional” like #dont be a fucking dumbass and justify that shit to me on anon #cuz all you’ll be talking to is a brick wall

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darklesmylove · 2 years

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Hi! I saw your tags saying that you feel like you have let your followers down because chronic pain doesn’t let you write productively, but I just wanted you to know that your works are and always will be special, no matter what! They are already a gift for all of us who follow you! I really love them!! Thank you so much for writing these stories 💓

this means so much to me you have no idea, i got so emotional when i received this ask. you’re an absolutely lovely human and i appreciate you more than you know!!

i used to write so much all the time and when my health issues hit it really destroyed a lot of my ability to focus and be able to even write for more than a few minutes at a time. that’s why i didn’t establish my patreon which i know some people were disappointed in because i had no faith in myself to give everyone the amount and quality of work that is worth subscribing to.

but… you inspired me. so i’ve officially started on my sequel to if you’ll let me. stay tuned, i’ll likely post a teaser :)

#if you’ll let me #darklesmylove #darklesmylove writing

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sheslostupstate · 9 months

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Let it be known that I am a ME! (sad piano version) truther

#when Taylor lets me! bejeweled then you’ll see then you’ll all see #dspeaks

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bowlofsoob · 7 months

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comment on this post if i can use your usernames in future aus, like when i need random fans in the comments and tweets 🙏🙏

#bowlofsoob thoughts ✧#just comment if you’ll let me pls xx

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pagannatural · 30 days

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2.10 Hunted

-direct continuation from Croatoan. Sam was waiting for Dean to tell him what it was John said about him before dying. Sam looked really fearful.

-Dean is scared too. This time the camera focuses on him as he begins, “he said that he…wanted me to watch out for you” and his voice trembles as he continues, saying John asked him to take care of Sam, and save him.

Sam doesn’t understand at first. John said this kind of thing all the time, and Dean has been watching out for/caring for/saving Sam their whole lives, but Dean’s demeanor doesn’t match up with what he’s saying. When Dean finally gets to the point, which is that if he can’t save Sam, John said he’d have to kill him, Sam looks so deeply shocked and hurt and upset. It’s like his brain is both seizing upon and rejecting this information. Seizing on it because there’s a part of him that’s thinking I knew it, I knew something was wrong with me and rejecting it because it’s coming out of his older brother’s mouth.

It’s wild that Sam at no point this episode seems to question Dean’s loyalty to him. There’s a little seed of fear inside him that Dean will think he’s a monster, but he just came off a job in which Dean proved to him again that he will listen to and value Sam, not to mention choose Sam over everything else including his own life.

-Dean keeps looking down. He’s ashamed that he’s even saying this. He says “he said I might have to kill you, Sammy” like he’s pleading for Sam’s help. Sam is usually there for him when he’s scared or upset. This is the very first time Dean is saying this out loud and he’s feeling how awful and unfair that was for their dad to put on him.

-John also made Dean promise to keep this from Sam. He probably thought that was for the best for some reason but it belies his complete misunderstanding of his sons as people and as brothers that he thinks 1) Dean would be able to keep it from Sam and 2) that they’re better off not working together. There is just no way Dean could handle this on his own, he needs Sam.

-Sam gets angry. I don’t even think he’s actually angry, it’s more like he’s freaking out and it presents as anger. His fear that he’s not pure is not only becoming a real threat, but also one that caused his father to ask the one person he trusts in the world to kill him if necessary. Sam thought he and John were at least somewhat on the same page when he died.

-Sam switches to need-more-info mode, which is just so deeply Sam. Knowledge makes him feel in control and one of his deepest drives as a character is the Need to Understand. He needs to understand monsters, what makes them bad, what bad even means, why his family hunts them, what’s going on inside of himself, what Dean is thinking and feeling.

The one area that he doesn’t push or poke and seems, later this season, to actually want to protect himself from, is the nature of his and Dean’s connection. I want to assume that he did a ton of research on incest taboos while he was in high school or at Stanford, but the way he avoids understanding makes me think that it’s at the root of his shame and he’s built himself a wall around it just like the one he’d built against Dean himself in s1. The reason so much of Sam’s arc was about letting Dean in again was because his trust in Dean’s love was rattled when he went to college—Sam didn’t know how badly Dean wanted to get back together with him. Now he trusts that Dean loves him, but not that he can save him.

-Dean says he wants to “lay low” because “then I can make sure—“ and Sam cuts him off: “what? That I don’t turn evil?” When Sam says sarcastically “maybe you will have to waste me” Dean yells at him “I never said that.”

It’s the first time Dean raises his voice in the conversation. His anger seems to come from being misunderstood rather than being confronted about something true. Dean can’t imagine Sam becoming evil. I think Dean was about to say “Then I can make sure nothing happens to you” or something. He doesn’t seem like he’s actually angry either, just like he’s terrified and he’s trying to take control of a situation outside of his grasp.

-Dean begs Sam for “time to figure this out.” He says please four times. It quiets Sam. I wonder if Dean has spoken to Sam like that in the past, if he used to get Sammy to let him stitch him up by asking him to please just let him disinfect it or to please just count to 20 and it’ll be over.

-Sam runs off on his own, which is such an *interesting response since he has been running away from home since he was an adolescent. He is not one to spook easy or to look away when things get tough, but he hates feeling like he’s the problem.

*link for any curious psych nerds. runaways are more likely to have a single parent, have a negative relationship with parents, have been exposed to violence, and have a mental illness (most often depression). Sounds like Sam.

He runs away to investigate on his own for a few reasons. He’s afraid of himself and of what’s going to happen to him and he needs some control over the situation. He’s probably also noticing that this is tearing Dean up inside and he doesn’t want Dean to save him, he wants to fix it himself. If he can fix it, he can fix what’s wrong with him. He doesn’t really think Dean can do that for him, which is sort of true and sort of false. They have to do it together.

Whatever is up with Sam is and always has been intimately and inherently connected to Dean and the brothers’ love. There’s their destiny as vessels, and their love ultimately saving the world, but it’s also their bond itself. The demon caused the fire, so the demon blood in a way is responsible for delivering baby Sammy into Dean’s arms and their incestuous codependent relationship. (And I’m treating their relationship as incestuous regardless of what physically has or hasn’t happened.)

-So Sam leaves. When he goes to Ellen’s bar, Ellen tells him that Jo left to become a hunter and that Ellen told her “not under my roof.” It parallels Sam’s decision to leave for Stanford. Ellen tells him it’s not his fault, which he seems affected by. He thinks things are his fault because he’s impure. He probably thinks his and Dean’s feelings are his fault for the same reason.

-Ellen tells Sam that Dean has been calling asking about him, “worried sick.” When Sam leaves she’s like You know I have to call your brother and let him know you’re safe right?

It’s exactly what a parent would say to a runaway kid about calling their mom.

-Sam basically tells Ellen that Dean can’t protect him from who he is. He doesn’t believe Dean can save him and he will ultimately need to have faith that Dean can save him in s5.

-How does Sam have money for all this? He must be helping Dean with the hustling by now.

-Sam pockets some of Scott’s prescription meds, to use or to sell or both.

-Dean asks about Sam unprompted as soon as Ellen calls him. When he tracks Sam and spots him through the motel window he says out loud “thank god you’re okay” and then sees Ava and says “oh you’re better than okay” and smiles and I think it’s cute that Dean still thinks Sam is interested in anyone other than him.

-Gordon shoots at Sam. Dean beats Gordon up and says “you do that to my brother I’ll kill you” but Gordon hits him on the head with his very large gun (a rifle? I don’t know guns) and knocks him out cold. Dean feels strongly about not killing people except when it comes to protecting Sam then it’s totally fine.

-Sam finds and identifies the bullet shells and calls Dean for help and Ava is like Who are you?? and Sam says “my brother” like five times. It’s so fun seeing her perspective on Sam, who she thinks is crazy and probably dangerous because of his knowledge and the fact that he and his brother have a code word specifically for when one of them is being held at gun point. Dean sees Sam as his beautiful cutie pie lil guy who he is so proud of, and outsiders see Sam as the danger to society that he is.

-Sam says “harms way doesn’t really bother me” and when Ava says This is how you die! he says “doesn’t matter. It’s my brother.” Sam is bananas. It’s good for the viewer to be reminded of this fact often.

-Dean mostly keeps it together when Gordon is talking about killing Sam, because he’s trying to find a way to save Sam even now. Screen caps of his expressions don’t really do his scenes justice because his lips tremble, and you can see him breathing shakily, and glancing around, or flinching slightly. His dread is palpable. The sick, terrible desperation in Dean’s entire body when he thinks Sam is about to be and then thinks Sam is being killed by a grenade is hard to watch.

-Incidentally this is how ptsd commonly happens. Dean is usually able to act on his fight or flight response and fight/kill the threat, but here he’s tied up and can do nothing. So this would be particularly hard for him to deal with in the coming months/years. I can’t recall if the show explores that, I guess we’ll see.

-Gordon says “your brother thinks you’re some kind of saint.” Again with the outsider perspectives here. Dean sees Sam as the most precious, good, important thing in the world and Gordon sees him as weird and soft and obsessed with his brother (gay?).

-Gordon says “show your brother the killer you really are, Sammy” and Sam says “it’s Sam” before knocking him out. I love this callback to Bloodlust where Sam says Dean is the only one allowed to call him Sammy.

-Sam goes to Dean wearily and puts a hand on his shoulder. It’s almost casual, establishing contact by touching, letting Dean know he’s there. Dean could hear Sam fighting with Gordon, so he knew he was alive, but he needs to touch Sam and look into his eyes to really know he’s alive and okay. Sam helps Dean get untied and Dean ends up pulling Sam to his feet as he unties Dean’s ankles.

When Dean holds Sam’s face in his hands, his thumbs just under his jaw, Sam tilts his head back tiredly, exposing his throat. He responds like it’s a matter of course that Dean will cradle his face, like he’s done it many times before when Sam was smaller and had to tilt his head back to look up at Dean.

What is it with Dean and Sam’s neck and throat? It’s an intimate part of the body to be looking at and touching so often, but unique in that it’s not explicitly sexual. It just feels sexual.

Sam puts his hand on Dean’s shoulder again, wordlessly confirming that yes, he is okay, so Dean breaks away to kill Gordon like he said he would.

-When Sam realizes this is Dean’s aim, he tells Dean not to and pulls him away by the collar of his jacket. It’s very guard dog/master.

-Dean calls Sam a “fine upstanding citizen” for getting Gordon arrested and Sam smiles prettily.

-Sam is so cute waiting in the car while Dean yells at Ellen on the phone about how Gordon tracked Sam by talking to hunters at her bar. Mom is so mad the bully picked on his kid, and the bully is in detention but that’s not enough he wants to talk to a parent about this.

-In the car Dean warns Sam “dude, if you ever run off like that again—“

“What? You’ll kill me?” Sam jokes.

It’s nice they can joke like this about past arguments. Couples who know how to fight are more likely to stay married.

-Dean says they should go to Amsterdam (implying that he wants them to forget their worries and get fucking blazed together) and Sam does that thing where he grins and licks his lips at him. But he says he’s not just gonna ditch the job and Dean says “screw the job.” Sam tells Dean “you’re a hunter, it’s what you were meant to do.” John and Gordon have said this same thing, but I think the difference is that they meant Dean was born to kill and Sam thinks he was born to rescue. It shows the level of admiration that Sam has for Dean, thinking that he’s doing what he was born to do. You only think that of people who are very, very talented. Personally I think Dean was bred to be a hunter and would’ve been a firefighter or an ER nurse or something (wait what did Jess dress up as for Halloween? wait), but he was born to be Sam’s big brother.

Sam never felt a calling to do anything in particular, as far as I’ve gotten in the show. He’s really good at getting people to talk and convincing them of things and doing research, so lawyer fits, but he’s also said he never fit in at Stanford. When he has a normal life in s8 he works in maintenance. He must have felt so out of place as a teenager thinking Dean had found his destiny, and that it wasn’t right for Sam.

-Dean says he doesn’t believe in destiny, meaning he believes in Sam staying good. Sam tells Dean “you can’t protect me.” Dean says “I can try” and Sam thanks him. He feels loved by Dean.

-They do their Bitch/Jerk bit and Sam grins. They must have missed each other, they’re so flirty and excited to be together again.

-Sam calls Ava again and Dean looks at him suggestively and asks if Sam is sweet on her. Sam says “she’s engaged, Dean” and Dean says “so?” Okay cool so Sam being engaged would not have been an issue for Dean it really was just the blood relative thing. Cool.

-Sam chooses both Dean and hunting. Running off on his own put him at risk which puts Dean at risk, and Dean agrees to be together on Sam’s terms rather than laying low.

#samdean #supernatural #spn meta #sam and dean #wincest #spn 2x10 #playthings is next!!#ooh I’m so excited to watch playthings again I’ve only seen it once #was this one too rambly? you’ll let me know if it gets too rambly

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