#if people start things in the replies im deleting this post if im being honest. this needed to be said but
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god damn i do not post often but can i talk about intentionality for a second?? one second please
i'm gonna be talking about bg3 but this really applies to any fandom space. people will, surface-level, agree that a Black character is not getting enough content compared to their white counterparts because it's. obvious . take wyll, who is several hours behind on voiced lines compared to other origins despite being one of the original five (before they added karlach and whiteified her too but that's another post). it's hard to deny cold hard facts
but then instead of engaging in content that uplifts Black characters and creators, they'll go right back to pumping out more and more content of just their white faves. on its own, it's not actively harmful, but here's what the implication is, whether they acknowledge it or not: yes wyll has less in-game content, yes his writing didn't get the attention it deserved, therefore i don't like him as much. it only perpetuates wyll's lack of content by contributing to his sidelining in fandom spaces
what i would love for fans who claim to be allies to do is to step out of the comfort zone of their initial favorites (which can, in fact, be biased!) and start pursuing content centering Black characters with intentionality. like all things, anti-racism (actively pushing back against racism rather than simply "Not Being Racist") takes practice and effort. you can't really agree with us that wyll needs more content, then in the same breath say that it's because of that that he's not interesting to you . the point was right in front of you doing a jig and you still missed it
#bg3#wyll#wyll ravengard#this isnt even including people who didnt notice that wyll had less content in the first place#which is. a very damning admission. so you werent paying Any attention to him...? at all....? its obvious even on a first playthrough tf#i had to physically stop myself from saying specific white boy names in the main post bc i knew it would just be fanning the flames#and thats not productive. as much as i hate to admit it.#anyway we all know why halsin is so much more popular than wyll. the white man with as much personality as a cardboard cutout#ITS HARD TO APPRECIATE HIM WHEN HES 1) boring and 2) part of the reason wyll got less content bc adding him meant less time for the others#if people start things in the replies im deleting this post if im being honest. this needed to be said but#i am not in the habit of arguing with strangers on the internet and i am not starting now#tyto speaks#man i didnt even mention how white side characters with maybe 5 min total of screentime get so much fan content .#while wyll a whole ORIGIN character gets left out of party art and either infantilized or villianized beyond the point of recognition
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@ashtonsdunamanticbrain replied to your post “Curious about your thoughts. Is/was Ashton an...”:
im pretty sure the aasimar thing is about ashtons mom being an aasimar because ashtons mom is described as saintly and strong in episode 34 (13:28)
Gonna be really honest: I deleted a similar reply earlier today because I looked at it and said "how the fuck is that relevant".
Saintly is just like, a normal adjective that people use, and isn't even specifically tied to aasimar; "celestial" or "angelic" would make much more sense although "angelic" is still a term that people use in normal everyday life about normal human beings and is not a guarantee.
I also did a Google search on "ashton greymoore aasimar saintly" in various configurations, and the Ashton Is An Aasimar theories date not to Episode 34 (aired September 15th, 2022) but early November (I found a reddit post and multiple tumblr posts treating it as a revelation dated to November 1st), which is when the 4SD episode in which Marisha says "aasimar" aired. Once Marisha said "aasimar", then people started looking for specific signs, the only one of which they've been able to find is the very, very, very tenuous "saintly."
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why are you on a twitter byf?
hi, youre actually not the first person to tell me this tonight! i Also have no idea why im on a blacklist. i want to clear some stuff up because i was told this three (3) times. i dont exactly like that i have to reply to this publicly because i dont even make personal posts but i think this whole thing is out of hand and has been for a while.
im putting this under a Read More because its long and im finally able to air out some of my feelings about the situation.
TLDR: devin has lurked and kept tabs on me for three years and its exhausting that i have to address it like this of all places. if you need proof or anything feel free to dm me.
this is soooo. okay so i met this person in 2019 from the best of my memory because ive been trying for about an hour to get onto my old blog but i cant remember the login at all, and she and i had done a few dms just about whatever. and then she wanted to make these two kin doubles who hated each other or something be friends again, please note we all shared the same kin, and stirred up some problems.
then, after this happened, her host (or she did? regardless she admitted that she was involved in the creation) had made a callout blog for one of them despite my attempt to steer this off from happening, and i was ignored. i think my last message to her directly, and im not kidding here, was in jan 2020 (three full years ago!).
after this i made the choice, for myself, to soft her on tumblr. i no longer wanted anything to do with the situation, i think kin drama is stupid and im sure it was more personal than kin things from what she had told me, but i had no intention of being involved further. or know any of these people. like at all. after i softed her, she made a post about taking a hiatus after she deleted the callout blog and thats it from what i know about her tumblr because it was deleted soon after iirc.
8 months later she tried to follow my twitter, and i recognized her. i considered it a lottt, but i really didnt want that kind of energy stirring up things again in my life because 2020 was an absolute fucking Disaster of a year enough. so i softed her from my twitter because of this for my own mental health.i havent had a direct message with her since early 2020.
i know nothing about her, her life, anything because i wanted as much distance from that whole situation as possible. i didnt get to know her well enough with her to call her my friend or anything, and everything that happened so soon after we did start talking really made me not feel like i wanted to be friends or get to know her better if this was her vibe. she has made posts about missing me, when i feel as though i never warranted the title of friend at all because she basically just vented to me a couple times before this started and i didnt and still dont have the energy to deal with that kind of person.
i have found out, however, she has fucking LURKED me likely for three years. shes posted about how ensemble stars reminds her of an ex friend (which, she didnt get to know me enough to be my friend, and its pretty obvious this post is about me because my special interest is ensemble stars) and i got into it in mid 2020 so she shouldnt possibly know i ever got into it without lurking me. its some creepy shit ill be honest with you.
she knew and made posts about how my psychotic ass had delusions about being w/ilbur ds-p from nov 2021- mid 2022 because i like. Was in a horrible state and related to how self destructive he was or whatever but i got better and got my life together and dont do that at all anymore. i dropped it and i have most terms blacklisted (and the series itself) because it reminds me of those racist assholes and also of a horrible time in my life im still recovering from.
i have no fucking clue how this could affect her or she would even know. seeing as this was wayyyyy beyond the time i knew her. however this proves she was lurking me to myself and people who know me personally… we're all insanely confused. shes had no reason to keep up with anything about me for three years and im pretty much sick of it haha. ive been quietly freaking out over how scary shes been acting about me and whatever idealized version of what or who i was she had assumed during the very short time i knew her because i didnt want to start anything.
thank you for reading this. i hope this stops soon because i dont want to keep dealing with something thats happened 3 years ago and it happened because i didnt even want to be involved in things. its just unfair and makes me feel insanely uncomfortable im still a hot topic for her even though she hasnt messaged me or anything since following my twitter and being softed. it makes me feel weird and its just weird to me.
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Ayo curious anon here- im gonna rewatch rewatch the vod and take note of every single punch and why it appears to have happened then we can compare notes. Also i am interested in your opinion on relaxx's post :0 also if u want a vid rec i know a cool vid where someone replied to a dream apologist who;;; excused exile but it also brings up some interesting points :0
alright, well good luck! my focus was more on the fact that c!dream didn't start punching first until the very end (he did punch back a few times but that's not what i was tracking), and c!tommy was punching him the entire time beforehand, so if you count more "first punches" for the very ending i don't think that would matter that much, but if you have something beforehand that's a discrepancy on my part feel free to tell me :]
i'm not going to watch it for myself because i'm afraid they'd generalize dream apologists based on that one person and make a lot of assumptions that don't apply to me + use possibly insulting, emotionally charged language as a result, but if there are good points you'd like to debate about feel free to send those!
as for relaxx post ( link to the original ) i have a reply written up with my opinions, so yeah;
/dsmp /rp
i was going to put in a first part saying how this is biasedly worded and insinuating that c!tommy was somehow protecting his family by standing up against c!dream during the negotiation (which really was the other way around, him being reckless and endangering them) but i don’t wanna seem aggressive or condescending so i just deleted that. they have emotions about c!tommy and they see him in a certain light thanks to that and i respect that enough not to bother them.
the majority of this is about c!dream anyway, which is more my playing field.
“it didn’t even work because dream didn’t care about spirit”
basic misinterpretation by someone not knowledgeable about the character besides watching c!tommy’s pov. obviously this is not true in the slightest, c!dream has proven time and time again that spirit’s leather is what he cares about the most right after his friends - he traded one of the discs for it, and he had sentimental attachment to the horse. him saying later that he doesn’t is not him revealing anything, or maybe even lying (there’s different interpretations of that scene - in my opinion it’s more of a decision than anything).
of course i do agree that c!dream is manipulative. the reasons for that can be debated, but he is. i wouldn’t call him a “master manipulator” - that’s reserved for people who not even the audience notices are being manipulative despite the obvious red flags, but c!dream is very much manipulative - he’s just the only one people notice, which isn’t really pro of him /j
“dream tells tommy he cut off all attachments, he abandons and stops talking to his friends”
he did stop talking to them… after they abandoned him. small mistake, big difference in the way we see the character.
“he tells tommy among other things that he “does it all because it’s fun and he’s playing with his food” “no, i just like to cause chaos” “i’m doing this so you can have an origin story. the perfect hero origin” “i can make us immortal together!” we don’t have a way to confirm or deny these as true/false since we don’t know what dream’s thinking, but. sadly they appear to line up with his actions.”
no, it doesn’t. it doesn’t line up at all with the way he talks to… anyone else, or with his character in general. it’s an intimidation tactic to cover up his true intentions and make himself out to be more of a threat because he wants people to be afraid of him - that’s what gives him power, basically. threats and ultimatums are what gives him the most control over others even if he has no real power, so it’s important people fear what he could do or what he would be willing to do, rather than what he actually will.
“sapnap actually visited dream in prison and dream seemed to care more about using sapnap to get to ranboo then sapnap himself. ouch.”
have they. have they not watched the video where c!dream spends the first like 98% writing in a book about how he wants c!sapnap and c!george to come visit him again and trying to convince c!sapnap he can get better and be let out and meet again? where he only asks for c!sapnap to deliver the message like half a minute before the end? where are they getting this info from? because this is outrageously incorrect, i’m sorry but what even lead you to that conclusion?
“i am actually fully on board with the idea that dream lied, and that he does still miss and care about his friends! i consider often (because i like angst lol)! when dream finally gets his pov, we might learn about this. because we don’t know what he’s thinking. he could be missing them every second for all we know! it could all be one master plan to make them like him, or save them, or something. dream is innocent until proven guilty. as far as we can tell, he wasn’t lying. and he did cut off his friends.”
i think from everything that’s happened before and after the scene it is obvious he does in fact care about them. he did emotionally isolate himself, he did “cut himself off” (moreso by not reaching out than actually doing anything for himself), yes, but that doesn’t mean he wanted to or that it didn’t hurt him.
“even if it turns out he actually loves them, he still treated them awfully by abandoning them as he did”
i… don’t remember that happening, i’ll be honest. they left him and they never came back, so it’s much more on them than it is on c!dream that their relationship fell apart, although he technically could’ve tried harder. however, that’s only c!sapnap and c!george - he still proved to care about c!punz during before the finale, and even during the prison he still shows attachment to c!techno.
i could give examples of him caring about his friends, and will if asked (that’d take a while because there is a lot of canon evidence but honestly it’d just make me very happy so i wouldn’t mind), but in general it’s not that difficult to see that he… does care about people, as hard as that is to believe, and yes, he did hurt them indirectly because it hurts to see people who used to be important to you spiral to the point of doing terrible things, but i wouldn’t say he made c!sapnap feel terrible, especially during the prison visit when c!dream is very obviously Going Through It.
also i highly dislike the anon’s attitude. there’s no need to be that aggressive, like what the hell dude. everyone can have their own interpretations and opinions. in my eyes, this is sort of biased and partially incorrect, but maybe let people exist on the internet.
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More Divaz confos
Mod: Round two of these, previously: link. There’s some interesting customer reviews in this batch (5 and 8) which may be useful to readers.
1.Vic3mage "the secret bjdivaz vip group is just pictures of boxes coming in and going out". Yeah, between the bitching about d0llshe, asking people to post on doa for them, dunking on ex-customers, posting pics of random doll parts that they can't identify which doll they're supposed to go with, whining about how little money they make, whining when ppl e-mail them, whining. Yeah, other than that it's just boxes, and alpacas u can buy off amazon anyway lol.
~Anonymous
2.The butthurt users crying and guilttripping under every Divaz confession who have never been seen before elsewhere on this blog are extremely unsuspicious and unproblematic and definitely unconnected to Divaz and unbiased in every possible way
/s
~Anonymous
3.idk shit abt bjd1vas but v1cemage i can absolutely tell you the shit about ch0o is 100% accurate, fucker's got a long, long history of being an awful little man that stretches well beyond his involvement in the doll community. between the two i'd still trust bjd1vas over ch00 ch00 the fool any day!
~Anonymous
4.The Z3st and Div4s thing is really silly and both entities were being shady but did they really have to take the DZ waiting room down with them? :( He had even made a separate thread about it......
~Anonymous
5. RE: BJD Divaz
I’ve been a customer of BJD Divaz since they first started, when it was only run by Chart3rline. I even contacted other BJD companies trying to persuade them to work with Divaz as their US representative. Most declined because they didnt like D's commission fee, but I was able to persuade a few of them.
I asked them to purchase a doll off DOA because I couldnt afford the asking price, and while they did, I found out later that instead of agreeing to purchase the seller's price, they negotiated the price to be lower. This significantly cheaper price was not passed down to me. I paid the full price +the commission fee based on that full price. I am disappointed I was not told this. This is when I stopped viewing them as a "friend" and instead, as a business. I dont hold this against them, it’s context to what Im going to say later.
I’ve stopped purchasing from D after my recent order from them. This company usually takes 3 or less months to make a doll. I’ve ordered the doll from D and it took 11 months. They let me know it arrived to them in March and that it will be shipped soon, except it only shipped on July, and only after I sent them several "reminder" emails. Before people in the comments try to put the blame on me for not sending a reminder soon, please keep in mind that I acknowledged the email in March and confirmed everything and they keep stressing to not send them emails because they are busy, I’ve emailed once every month since. I’ve since switched to ACBJD and Ive been happy with communication and the dolls ordered. I imagine ACBJD gets the same amount of emails, but they dont berate their customers if they email more than once.
I regret when people wanted a D0llshe, but not deal with him, I always recommended D. I would warn people of ordering directly and instead go through D. They assured buyers they would be handling communication and all the efforts so they wouldnt worry, except they didn’t. A person that I’ve recommended D to, who surpassed 2 years, keeps messaging me for help because D wouldnt reply to their emails. She is respectful, sweet and a timid person, not a Karen. This person, emailed D without a reply so would email a week later, only to be told that their email would be pushed down to the bottom if emailed again. No response, so she goes to FB and IG, who both tell her to email because they arent the person running orders. Finally got a response that they would get their refund, after D0llshe sends D's payment, but minus the PP fees. 3 months later and theres no refund, only a promise of them getting it later. Why is the customer missing out on fees when they have no doll? Customer emails d0llshe and he says he cant offer refund, because they didn’t order through them, which is understandable, but when all options are out for a customer, do you blame them for chargebacks?
If anyone files a chargeback, D will be blacklisting them from every company they rep, as in blacklisting you from buying direct from those companies. I urge everyone who has negative experiences with D to email the companies they rep instead of venting on confession blogs, and writing your experiences on social media. Make it count and send letters to the companies they represent, and please provide proof because they will try to make you out to be a liar.
Speaking of, they made vague posts on cl0ver singing for charging paypal fees, and that they offer guarantees as an official dealer, except when offering refunds, to non delivered products I might add, they are keeping the fees, and offered no help with d0llshe, even before they ended their dealership with them. Someone on DOA was told to not email them unless the wait time surpassed 1.5 years. They are even so petty that they post screenshots with the full name and address (dox) of the customer on purpose and then delete it out a day later as if they just realized their "mistake".
Before you try to make excuses for them about the fires, keep in mind, I am dealing with a business. The lower price negotiation with the DOA sale, I am in no way obligated to give them a pass or treat them as a friend when they made it clear that our relationship is strictly business. Their issues, are not my issues. D0lk got dragged for not shipping in time, others, including artisans, got dragged for being so late with communication and sending back refunds for cancelled orders. Why does D get to be exempt?
The supporters are the worst part of this, because of instead of being honest so D can improve, they support them for being "real". For example, look how micemage words it, to make it seem like this criticism is from one person, when there are people on addicts who didn’t have good experience. Check the bjd dealers tag here, you will see the supporters in the comments going off on any and all criticism of D. Some have sane comments, but the majority are cult like and try to identify the person venting as if it’s one person. Addicts deletes threads with criticism asking people to instead direct it to their feedback group; which lets be honest, no one is going to do because its "not that bad", and most dont want to join a new group, which is mostly dead.
This is my first and last confession on D, I’ve emailed each company they rep and told them my experience as well as contacting the 3 month wait company, with screenshots of my order, how they handled it, and the excuse they used to put blame on the company for being so late (package arrived march to D, 4 months to be shipped is on D, not the company). I’m not using company or order details because I know they are petty enough to try to identify me and publicly shame me like they have to others. This and the threat of suing is why not many people like to go public with their experience. They just keep feedback neutral, move on and never deal with again.
~Anonymous
6. Listen, I can't take you seriously in regards to BJD!vas because you're posting on a confession blog. If you were serious, you would have posted in buyer beware groups, DoA reviews or the board to get things resolved, or you would have made a complaint to the BBB. And your language makes you come off more as someone with an agenda rather than someone who is trying to warn people. If shipping is the issue, stop buying with standard shipping and pay the extra price for express shipping. I saw one of you complain that it sat with them for 20 days; that's probably because you're not the only one and they more than likely have a queue to check and then ship out. Do mistakes happen? Yes, because we're human. I've been in this hobby for a few years now and it seems like most people know you're going to have to wait, sometimes even outside the expected wait time. And shipping something as big as a doll is a timely endeavor. I shouldn't have to say that.
My point is simply to stop complaining on an confession board and either take it to the places previously mentioned. Posting here behind the anonymous mask makes you sound like a petulant child who didn't get their way right away.
~Anonymous
7.My only issue with BJD Divaz is how I never get any updates. Every email, they tell me to join their facebook page for status updates. I dont have a FB and I dont want to create one. I bought my doll through their website, updates should be posted on their website, or they could send me an email. That isnt asking much.
~Anonymous
8. Since there seems to be a lot of either "completely negative everything sucks" or "everything was sunshine and rainbows" confessions about bjd!vaz I thought I'd chime in with a neutral review.
PROS
-They were always polite and professional in their emails, and gave me very detailed answers to my questions.
-I got exactly what I ordered, so no mix ups or missing parts or anything like that.
-I think them being forthcoming about personal issues (only one person on staff, illness, the flooding isue etc.) on social media is good, since it keeps customers updated as to why there might be delays.
-If you live in the US their shipping is very reasonable.
CONS
-Reply times were varied. Sometimes it could take over a week, sometimes a couple hours.
-My order took about 10mo which, when comparing to other people who ordered through the same company around the same time, was about 3x as long as if I bought it direct and 2x as long if I had gone through a different dealer. I get some of the waiting time is out of their control, but it was kind of ridiculous.
-They dont necessarily ship the same day they send you a tracking number. I wish they said something like, "Here's your tracking number, our pickup is Xday so it should start moving after that" just so I could be aware.
All in all no major complaints. I got my doll and all that. Their lone employee is clearly overwhelmed. I hope they hire another person, if only to give the one a break.
Truthfully, I most likely won't buy through them again. I'd rather pay the international shipping and go direct, than deal with the extensive wait time. I'd still recommend them to someone looking for a very long layaway, though. I paid in full, but if I had a 12mo layaway I would've never known they weren't ready to ship my doll until month 10.
~Anonymous
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[I absolutely didn’t want to make a post of this nature as there is nothing dignified about the circumstances that have been preventing me from being active on my RP blogs and replying to IMs in a timely manner, but now that things have escalated yet again and I kinda do need to vent to the void for the sake of my own sanity....
(There are quite a few triggers below and my rambling is pathetic enough for me to probably to delete it at some point ^^’)]
I’ve known from the moment I learned we’d be forced to move into my grandfather’s house that living there would slowly destroy me unless I could become independent enough to leave and that the same would apply to my mother as well (and that I would be bearing the brunt of her instability).
Well, tonight, my mother started yelling at me to return to my room when I refused to let her treat me like our toxic relatives have been treating her for her entire life, and when I refused to do so because I wanted to grab myself some food first, she started hitting me. Not as though this is a thing she never does, but before she’d at least snap out of it if I managed to hit her back hard enough, but today, she went on and on, telling me it was my fault too that she was hitting me because I should’ve simply left and allowed her to ‘protect’ me.
My health, too, which has been the reason I’m so disgracefully dependent on my toxic relatives even 6 days before my 26th birthday, couldn’t be worse tbh, to the point my doctor had to scold me recently for eating too little in order to at least reduce the lower abdominal pains I’ve been dealing with since last summer in addition to my other health problems. (And yes, they get so much worse from the moment I start eating for the day, so simply eating too little was the only way for me to finish any chores whatsoever)
I had a fever for two days which started on the very evening of the day our stuff was moved to the new flat aka on March16 th because of how much I’d been neglecting my health.
The next day, I could barely move ‘cause I had no clean compression wear to put on (without it, my blood pressure plummets rapidly), and when I crawled out of bed at 4 PM, my mother was just sitting in the dining room and vacantly statring into the distance. She had neither bought nor cooked anything I could’ve eaten on a weak stomach like that and it hadn’t even occurred to her to do so.
So, exactly this is my answer to the question of: “Why didn’t you just eat enough and leave those household chores you’ve been doing at any cost to someone else?”
And tbh, I’ve spent most of my life like this, knowing that in the vast majority of all cases, I’d be entirely on my own. Show too much weakness, and people will also start kicking you instead of helping you up.
I have a single friend here in Germany and she’s helped me a great deal when we had to move our other stuff to the new flat in particular and clean the old one, but I just... can’t depend on her too much, nor on anyone for that matter (not as though there is another person here in Germany who gives a single genuine damn about me), because if I do, it’s just a matter of time until that person comes to see me as nothing but a burden like my relatives do.
It’s due to that particular environment I’m trapped in and due to my inability to take the necessary steps to leave it because of my deteriorating physical health.
And that, to be honest, is what has been bothering me the most, that there is nothing I can actually do to move far away and live independently from these people, that even if I do cut down on the food I eat, I’m not strong enough physically to take those steps until I’m independent enough to focus on my health.
It’s also the knowledge (and the constant reminders simply living so close to my toxic relatives gives me) that I’m only struggling like this because my family doesn’t deem me deserving of the treatments I need and of financial stability. (Because yes, my mother and I aka two chronically ill women are the only two people on that side of the family struggling with poverty whereas everyone else has no worries of that nature whatsoever - and both of us fell il before we reached adulthood... funny coincidence, no?)
I’ve long stopped caring that no one gives a genuine damn about me in that family, and what I’m upset about isn’t the fact that my mother hit me worse than she has in literal years tonight either.
It’s the complete absence of the opposite of those experiences in my life and my inability to make it to the point it’s no longer impossible for me to ever have them.
And being reminded of that is so incredibly discouraging.
So is getting older. (This summer marks the tenth year after the day the chemistry of my brain was damaged badly enough for me to be unable to experience positive emotions of any kind.)
I absolutely despise failure.
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TDA characters as types of tiktokers
y’all KNOW i’m bored when i’m doing this shit lmao
i’ll get around to doing the other TSC characters eventually TDA was just the first to come to mind also if you’re not actively on tiktok some of what i say might not make sense ahaha
also i named some tiktokers who yall can use for reference for some of them and from what i’ve seen they’re all fairly unproblematic so you should check them out!!
EMMA CARSTAIRS
okay so she’s DEFINITELY super popular and she uses her platform for good
she’s really funny and a lot of her audios go viral posts videos of her dancing saying that she cant dance but she’s actually really good at it
6M followers and growing fast
hypes up her boyfriend’s account ALL the time
calls out misogynistic/racist tiktokers through duets and KEEPS THEIR TAG IN THE CAPTION
she is not afraid of starting drama lmao
occasionally hops on POV and transition trends but its usually satire
emma can’t act for shit lmao
super active on tiktok and has a spam account
people are always asking her to drop the skin care routine but she doesn’t have one??
*pushes Zara down* “and no one’s gonna help her?? WOW some world we live in”
JULIAN BLACKTHORN
there’s no way he doesnt have an art account lmao
a lot of his paintings go viral but 90% of his comments are 14 year old girls thirsting over him
yall know that pottery guy on tiktok?? the cute one?? (i searched up his account just for this post he’s @/daxnewman769) that’s the best way to describe him
literally all the famous tiktokers commission him
probably has like 4M followers lmao
will occasionally make about how respecting women doesn’t make you a “simp”
doesn’t get into tiktok drama tho
posts candid videos of emma and all his jealous 14 year old fans get so pressed but he shuts down anyone who says anything bad about her
sometimes does painting or drawing tutorials and he’s really good at teaching stuff lmao
CRISTINA ROSALES
omg okay so like yall know those really pretty girls on tiktok who are literal models and are always dropping tips on how to frame your face for pictures and best clothes and poses and whatever ( @/ameliezilber is the first person that came to mind as an example)
thats her
alot of her content is just for the aesthetic
BLING EFFECT
GRWM’s all the time
10 step skin care routine
GOOD VIBES
has a pretty decent following?? like at least 2 million
has a spam but it’s exactly the same as her main lol
also calls out problematic tiktokers but not by name
her entire account is full of body positivity and does a bunch of stuff on loving yourself
sometimes does POVs and all the comments are like “@ netflix hire her rn”
sometimes posts crack videos with emma and cute vids with mark and kieran
MARK BLACKTHORN
does a lot of reaction videos and duets
a lot of his videos go viral but he doesn’t have a huge following like maybe 800k
everyone still knows him
gets at least twenty “are you wearing only one contact” comment about his eyes every post
he’s really funny without even realizing it
sometimes goes inactive for weeks at a time and just forgets that tiktok exists lmao
shows off kieran and cristina ALL THE MF TIME AND EVERYONE IS SO JEALOUS LIKE HOW ARE ALL OF THEM HOT
KIERAN
doesnt have a tiktok lmao sorry
but shows up so much on mark’s and cristina’s that a lot of people know who he is
DIANA WRAYBURN
unironically does POVs but is actually good at them??
lots of videos talking about the struggles of minorities like LGBTQ+ and POC and women
posts a lot of those vidoes that are like “what to do if you ever get kidnapped” “red flags in relationships” “most powerful parts of the body” etc
probably has like 500k followers
at the end of the day she doesn’t really use tiktok that much tho ahaha
LIVVY BLACKTHORN:
does a little bit of everything??
posts dance videos sometimes
omg her transitions are SO good
everyone is in love with her and she has to remind them that she’s a minor (i’m just a kid plays aggressively in the background)
posts videos that are just vibes?? like her skating at night, dancing in traffic with dru/her friends, walking through the city at night etc
lots of lip syncing videos to whatever sounds are popular and all her comments are like “i wish i looked like this” “guess im not eating today” and she gets so upset :((
she wants everyone to know that they’re perfect the way they are!!
also posts POVs sometimes and she’s not that bad at them ahaha
probably has like 1 million followers
doesn’t even need a spam just posts everything on her main
shouts out her sibilings accounts all the time
overall just great energy
TY BLACKTHORN
never posts his face on his main but he does on his spam
yall know those accounts that post fun facts or psychology facts?? his is like that except he talks to explain them and everyone finds his voice SO calming
he posts a lot of content of animals and everyone is in AWE with how good he is with them
his username is probably theanimalwhisperer or something djkfskjd
every single time he posts Kit on his account all the comments are like “OOH ICU” and “SHIP” and “ASK HIM OUT ALREADY”
he gives 0 shits about popularity on tiktok he’s just posting for fun because he likes teaching people about his interests
so he has like maybe 500k followers
lots of philosophical questions that has everyone questioning their existence
ugh i love him
KIT HERONDALE
be honest this is what y’all were waiting for
yall know those unproblematic ppl that everyone refers to as the “king(s) of tiktok”???
yeah thats him
SO FUNNY
LIKE HIS CONTENT IS GENUINELY HILARIOUS
lots of sarcasm and satire
think @/adamkindacool ?? (one of my favourite tiktokers lmao)
does reaction videos for those “pov: im the annoying hot cheeto girl sitting next to you in math class” videos
dark humor (not like rude humor but actual dark humor)
like “i put the baby in the oven and the pizza in the bed” type of jokes back when those were a thing
has like 4M followers but almost every single one of his posts go viral so he’s gaining fast
lots of pranks
starts a bunch of trends
any video he posts of Mina goes viral
sometimes he posts some really weird stuff that has everyone laughing so hard irl (@/benoftheweek)
he NEVER thirst traps but still gets a lot of those weird sexual fairy comments on his posts (iykyk)
TO BE CLEAR I MEAN THE FAIRY EMOJI ONES NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM BEING FAE
reacts to the comments with a video of him just staring at the screen with the “oh to see without my eyes” or “im just sixteen” audio going on in the background which only encourages them to make more weird comments
anyways everyone loves him
any of his povs are pure jokes meant to make fun of pov’ers
posts maybe one serious tiktok every 5 months that talks about being respectful and using your platform for good
“i miss old tiktok”
posts a lot of random videos of Ty where, again, all the comments are shipping them except even more so on his account because everyone can see his heart eyes for Ty
collabs with Dru a lot and does a bunch of duets of her videos
everyone loves him bye
DRU BLACKTHORN
SO many memes
she deletes any hate in her comments bc she honestly doesnt care to respond to them and doesn’t need that kind of negativity in her life
but one time she got a “the f in women stands for funny” comment and she WENT OFF
does really dark povs sometimes that are really interesting
CLOWN MAKEUP + SCARY CLOWN TIKTOKS ( think @/avani ‘s clown make up posts
REALLY good at makeup and sometimes gets julian to do scary makeup on her for tiktoks and povs (like those ones with stitches over the mouth or skin peeling off)
huge ally!! posts a lot about minorities struggles and white privilege, and acknowledges hers
does movie reviews and stuff sometimes
“types of” videos
pulls a lot of pranks on her sibilings with livvy and sometimes with Kit
lots of body positivity + self love
calls out back-handed compliments
also has a lot of content like Livvy’s of just vibing in LA
julian and emma and mark go off at anyone who sexualize her in the comments
probably has like 650k followers
posts a couple of times a week
BONUS:
JAIME ROSALES
lots of skateboarding videos idk he just gives me that vibe
doesn’t post that often but is super popular
like maybe 1.5M followers
really passionate about systematic racism
HATES all those privileged white boys using the “this is america” audio to pretend they’re oppressed ( this is a may 2020 thing so it probably wont make sense to anyone who sees this after lmao)
POSTS A LOT OF THIRST TRAPS LMAO
also posts lots of videos that’s just him yelling about stuff but they’re really entertaining to watch ( like that guy sebastian @/sauceyogranny)
everyone thinks he’s super hot he always shows up in those “hottest boys on tiktok” videos except sometimes he’s just the token POC boy and it makes him mad :(
DIEGO ROSALES
HIS ACCOUNT IS SO PRACTICAL LMAO
lots of tips
“what to do if you’re trapped in the desert” “what to do if you’re kidnapped and stuck in the trunk”
doesnt reply to comments EVER unless it’s to clarify a point he made in the video or answer a question
has like 200k
okay thats it lmao im done bye this took me like an hour to make
i’ll get to all the other characters from the other series’ eventually
also if yall are wondering abt the lack of f*ckbois in this post they’re coming dw
TMI CHARACTERS AS TYPES OF TIKTOKERS
TID CHARACTERS AS TYPES OF TIKTOKERS
TLH CHARACTERS AS TYPES OF TIKTOKERS
#tda#the dark artifices#tlh#tmi#tid#shadowhunters#tsc#the shadowhunter chronicles#twp#emma carstairs#julian blackthorn#mark blackthorn#cristina rosales#kieran#kieran kingson#diana wrayburn#Livvy Blackthorn#livia blackthorn#Ty Blackthorn#kit herondale#kitxty#kit rook#jaime rosales#diego rosales#dru blackthorn#Drusilla Blackthorn#tiberius blackthorn#qoaad#queen of air and darkness#lord of shadows
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Why Chapter 39 of My Immortal was due to an actual hacker
After considering some findings, I’m confident in this theory. And thus, I’m confident anyone who claims to be Tara Gilesbie while claiming the hacked chapter was faked is not being honest. Below I will explain why I believe so and how I came across this information in the first place.
All this was from a long chain of breadcrumbs. Let’s go back... all to the mid 2000s in the LiveJournal days when Tara Gilesbie had a dedicated fan club.
The Tara Gilesbie Fan Club
One thing that particularly stuck out was members mentioning finding Tara through IMDb. Yes, you heard right.
[ID: Two comments on the Tara Gilesbie Fan Club LiveJournal.
The first is from ‘golden_helikaon’ on 2008-01-19 writing, “I found it on the Order of the Phoenix IMDb board. There were several long threads dedicated to ripping her apart with every new chapter.”
The second comment is from ‘heartdreamerz’ on 2008-01-20 writing, “It was almost 2 years ago and I've told this story many times. I knew Tara a month before My Immortal was published. It was on IMDb's board for My Chemical Romance. When the story came out I knew about it but didn't pay attention because I wasn't into HP at the moment. Then, like icarus_malfoy wrote, there were the threads about her and that's when my interest started. There were also another troll on the His Dark Materials...” (Image cuts off.) End ID.]
According to this, Tara Gilesbie was already tyrannizing the internet before she posted My Immortal. This actually is very consistent with the fact “Tara Gliesbie is totlly Gottik” was a petition that existed in November 2005. (My Immortal was posted in March 2006.)
This IMDb profile seemed very intriguing. It hasn’t been mentioned much, and isn’t considered to be official by most people. Was it a legitimate account? If so, was there gothicness we were deprived of all along? I searched to try find out more about it, hoping screen captures or something would turn up. Luckily, one of the same members copied and pasted Tara’s bio in another comment.
[ID: A comment on the Tara Gilesbie Fan Club LiveJournal by ‘heartdreamerz’ on 2007-05-05 writing, “All her posts are deleted now. I can still visit her profile because she's on my friend list. Her bio:
‘hi im tara. im a goth (n prode!). i have died blak hair n blu eyez. i wer eyeliner a lot of da time. i hav a bf. his naym is justin. he rox! i liv in Dubia.
likz: eyliner, goffik makep, beng goffik, GOOD CHRALOTTE, death, sleting my rists, drak colorz, hot topik _
dizliks: beng alive, bo, pop music, brite colors, pink, brabie, hiraly doof da music i lik: linen prak, GOOD CHRELOTE, evinezenz, simpl plan, akon, arvil levine, blink-183, panik! at da disko, foll oot boi, mcr. HIRALY DOOF IS A PSR!
fav moviez: when a stranger kallz, da grudge, da grudge 2, korps bird, da nitemare b4 krismas, da ring 2, da ring, shrak attak, undreworld 2, da texas chonsow massakre da bogenning
ps 2 all da prepz nd pozers tryin 2 diz me u r jus jeloz!!!! so yolsentik nd hartdremer u kan go fok ur momz 4 al i ker ok U SUK!!!111′
I feel so special to be personally insulted by her on her profile.” End ID.]
People like to copy & paste things stupid things to laugh at all the time (no offense Tara), so I thought: why not Google some of the bio? Maybe whoever did that posted additional stuff.
And it worked! (I found more content from Tara’s supposed IMDb, but more on that for a different post.)
When searching the bio, a Reddit thread about Rose Christo popped up.
During Rose Christo’s brief reign, a user said Rose’s claims seemed to check out. This user actually happens to be the same commenter, Heartdreamerz, in the LiveJournal thread. (Which makes sense, considering she’s the one who originally had the bio I was searching.)
If you don’t feel like clicking the Reddit link, basically she confirmed Rose’s claim that two Filipino users from the forums hacked the account.
Because of Heartdreamerz’ long involvement in My Immortal and the fact she never claimed to be Tara or Raven, I take a lot of trust in her word.
Heartdreamerz linked the FF.net profile of the original hacker: Coruscate Corruption.
Looking up “Coruscate Corruption” had me come across this from the LiveJournal fan club, which implies that there were two hackers.
[ID: post on the Tara Gilesbie Fan Club Livejournal by 'nicespice' on Dec. 28th, 2006, writing, “Just a little thing I drabbled down. Hope it's not too horrible. What do you think?
There is an evil on FF.net and All who encounters it feels their Respiratory system give out And become too scared to scream. Gruesome, it is. The anti-christ fanfiction, My Immortal, written by a total idiot. Does she Leave you to cry tears of blood, because I have before. EarnestInBerlin and Coruscate Corruption, the hackers, Sought to bring My Immortal redemption. Too Bad the real Tara had to come back so soon to ruin the fun. I wish she had at least continued her story, I look at her fic Everytime I go online, wishing she'd just update so I could laugh at... Tara Gilesbie." End ID.]
While searching “Coruscate Corruption”, a few posts popped up from a forum for The Bartimaeus Sequence called Bartiforums.
[ID: Two images showing 3 forum posts by Mwamba.
The first post was a reply to, "Mwamba, how did you crack both passys? Just guessing or what?"
On December 8th 2006, Mwamba replied, "Tara's was just pure luck. It didn't take long to get. The password was tara. *snorts* Post's was just guessing too, but I remembered when his passy was cracked on here, so I tried out the same password. It worked. Oh yeah, and I wrote a fanfic for Post, it's a rip off of Tara's story, but meh.”
The last two posts were made on January 14th, 2007. The second post wrote, "It was me. I had complete control for two days. And then EarnestInBerlin had to hack in too and change the password. But then she told what it was and then the real Tara had to come back and rechange her passy so nobody could get in. But that's old news. That account is most certainly not mine. I could not continue that fic for 39 chapters, I'd get bored after the first fifteen.”
The third post wrote, “*Shrug* It doesn't matter. Call me whatever. Though if I have to pick, I suppose you can call me by my FF.net name, Coruscate Corruption. What book category are you writing this fic in? Just curious.” End ID.]
Chapter 39 was posted late November 2006, so that first post was only a few weeks after it happened.
The password was “tara”... does that ring a bell at all?
[ID: A screencap from Rose Christo’s now-deleted blog. It says, “And My Immortal? You can come to your own conclusions. This was really never about the fic; it was the marketing team at SMP that decided to make My Immortal the main part of the story. Our email address was [email protected] and our password was tara.” End ID.]
-- Rose Christo’s claim before deleting
You may be asking, “Rose Christo? The woman who lied about her family, being Native American, and writing My Immortal to sell a book?” Yes, that Rose Christo. Yes, she was a fraud and a scammer, but she peppered in some little-known true details to make her claim seem more legit. For instance, she talked about a Voldemort rper in the reviews, and that ended up being true. You can actually find this Voldemort reviewer in the web archives of Raven’s stories. (Apparently, that Voldemort even came out and said “hey, that’s me!” Cannot find it unfortunately.)
Keep in mind the only way I found any of this was because Rose Christo made that claim. Without it, Heartdreamerz wouldn’t have made that post that led to Coruscate Corruption and those posts on Bartiforums. It’s possible Rose somehow came across the same information I did, but it’s more likely she was there. Rose Christo may not be the author of My Immortal, but it was likely she was a spectator as it all went down. (As I was a spectator for Rose’s ordeal when it all went down.)
Since it was said the hackers posted on the fanfiction forums, I sought to find it by searching “Tara”, “My Immortal”, etc. on FFnet’s search. The posts are unfortunately long gone, but there is a surviving forum called “My Immortal Forum Tara Gilesbie is a genius!”
[ID: A screencap of “My Immortal Forum Tara Gilesbie is a genius!” from Fanfiction net. Someone named Ebony Dark’ness wrote, “I have personally logged on to Tara’s account when her password was revealed after she got hacked.” End ID.]
TL;DR: Multiple, separate people made consistent claims over the span of years. Because of this, I personally believe Tara’s account was legitimately hacked.
(Sources/links will be added in a reblog.)
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Testing the Waters (pt. 2)
Summary: youve finally graduated high school and now youre moving on to college. youve decided to go to sendai university. its summer and youve become curious about checking out the dating pool in miyagi, so you download a dating app. you figure you might as well have fun before delving too deep into your studies
Part: [part two] out of ???
Pairings: nishinoya x reader / kuroo x reader / oikawa x reader / kiyoko x reader
A/N: theres tons of ships here, just me living out my hoe phase lmao please dont judge me. let me know what yall think
Genre: fluff, smut, crack
Warnings: flirting, college shinanigans
It’s been three days since the last time you saw Yuu. Gosh, even saying his name to yourself gave you goosebumps. You two have been texting non stop and honestly, it felt so refreshing. You were a pretty bad texter but he knew how to keep the conversation going.
One of his favorite things to do was play 21 questions with you. He wasn’t like those fuckboys who would use this opportunity to ask you if you were a virgin or what your favorite position was. Yuu was different. He came up with the craziest scenarios and judged you on the way you answered. One time he asked you how you would escape a 300 lb lion that just broke out of the zoo you were visiting. You honestly had no idea how to respond but eventually you replied,
“I’d make sure to run with a crowd and ‘accidentally’ trip a slow runner so that the lion could get distracted and probably (most likely) attack them. This would buy me some time to get the hell out there.”
This response caught Noya off guard but he loved the way you thought. You continued to come up with barbaric schemes to survive all the scenarios he would throw at you. He kept you guessing and that was what you liked so much about him. He was wild and so were you.
You were getting a little impatient over your next date so you took a deep breath and eventually asked him.
Y/N: Heeey, Yuu. I was wondering when you’d like to go out again. I’d really like to go out with you again.
Nishinoya Yuu: hey cutie! I’ve been wanting to see you again but I haven’t had any days off from work lately.. (; ･`д･´) IM DYING!! I just wanna see yoouuuuu
Y: Aw man.. :( That sucks. When do you think you’ll get your next day off?
N: idk tbh but hopefully it’s soon!!
Y: no worries, just let me know.
N: will do!!
Well, that was that. Now you wondered what you should do to pass the time. You were bored again and needed something to do. “Oh wait. I should check the app. I haven’t checked since I messaged Yuu on there. Maybe I have more matches.”
You opened up the app and you had 10 notifications. You had gotten some likes on the selfie you posted and several people viewed your profile. You checked who looked at your profile, and it was mostly ugly, older, men. “Gross,” you thought to yourself. Besides this, you noticed some new messages.
You opened up the first message.
“Hey sexy! Wanna come see me play? Click my link https://…..”
“Damn bots. So annoying.” You deleted the message. Next message:
“DTF?”
“I mean like yeah, but you could’ve been less forward in your message. What a turn off..” You had one last notification left. Maybe it wouldn’t be a let down.
“Are you made of Fluorine, Iodine, and Neon? 'Cause you are F-I-Ne.”
To be honest, this pick up line did make you giggle a little. You checked out the profile of the mysterious stranger who sent it and you were surprised that it was a bulked up biker. And damn, was he hot as hell.
His hair stood up in an organized, weird bed head kind of way. It made him look like a rooster. Rather than smile in his photos, he smirked. And his eyes looked like he could undress you solely with his gaze. He looked like your typical bad boy, but that didn’t make sense. Why would he use a chemistry pick up line?
This made you become even more interested, so you replied back with another cheesy pick up line.
Y/N: I wish I were adenine because then I could get paired with U.
Kuroo Tetsuro: Hey, kitten. I thought you’d never reply. You had me waiting.
Y: umm??? calling me kitten already?
K: What’s wrong? Are you flustered already? We haven’t even met up yet.
Y: woah there cowboy! hold your horses
K: I’m not a cowboy, but I’ll gladly have you ride me instead.
Y: skskskks i cant even-
K: Sorry. Too much?
Y: YES TOO MUCH
K: Alright. Let me start over. Ahh, a fellow chemist, I presume?
Y: yeaaah, kind of. I have a love/hate relationship with chemistry.
K: Is that so? Maybe I can help with that.
Y: oh really? how so?
K: I am a chemistry major after all. I go to Sendai. Do you go to school?
Y: uhhh i’m going to start there in the fall. I still haven’t decided what to major in, just yet.
K: Maybe you’ll end up being a chemistry major like me and I can give you private one on one lessons?
Y: I highly doubt that, but nice try.
K: Have you gotten a tour of the campus yet? Or are you waiting for freshman orientation?
Y: nah, I haven’t seen all of it yet.
K: Would you like to?
Y: um sure! When are you free for my private tour? (:
K: How about tomorrow in the morning? Maybe around 9am? I can pick you up too if you’d like.
Y: Sounds good and no thanks. I’m not riding on that motorcycle! Looks scary :(
K: Don’t worry, kitten. I’ll drive safely and make sure nothing happens to you.
Y: there you go again.
K: Sorry, I couldn’t help myself. No, but really. I don’t mind picking you up. Have you ever been on a motorcycle before?
Y: nope
K: Then, let’s change that. Send me your address tomorrow morning. And get some rest.
Y: alrighty it’s a plan then!
K: No. It’s a date.
Y: sksksk omg
After that conversation, all you could think about was how the hell did you get into this mess? Motorcycles are dangerous, yet this rooster convinced you so easily to take a ride with him..
It was an understatement to say that you were nervous for tomorrow.
You set an alarm for 7 am the next day and went to bed.
Your alarm woke you up and you immediately remembered why you were awake so early. You rushed into the shower and once you were out, you spent 30 minutes deciding on what to wear. You opted for some black, ripped skinny jeans and a white v-neck t-shirt.
At 8am on the dot, your phone’s notification bell went off. It was Kuroo.
“What’s your address, baby?”
You sent him the details and continued getting ready. You put on some light makeup and brushed your hair. You checked the time, and it was already 8:55 am. Then, your phone went off again.
“I’m outside.”
Your heart almost beat out of your chest. You grabbed your purse and put on some chapstick. You know, just in case..
You locked up your apartment and walked down the stairs. You were greeted by the biggest shit eating grin on the sexiest man you’d ever seen. You never went for the bad boys but college is a time for experimenting.
“Hey, Y/N. You ready to ride? I brought an extra helmet for you.”
“Hi, Kuroo. And yeah, I guess,” your voice shook as you replied. You were really nervous but you tried to hide it.
“Don’t worry, baby. There’s nothing to be afraid of. I’ll keep you safe.”
His words made you melt and you had just met him. The way he cooed at you and looked your way made you blush. You felt your cheeks get hotter by the second.
“Alright. Hop on and hold on to my waist. Hold on tight or else you’re gonna fly away when I take off. Okay?”
“..okay..” you managed to mutter. You were shaking but you put on the helmet he gave you and lifted up your leg to sit on the metal machine. You slowly hugged Kuroo from behind and held on as tight as you could. Your head was smashed right up against his large, broad back.
“Ready?” he asked.
“..yeah,” you squeaked.
Before you finished saying this, he had taken off like the devil was chasing him. If this was his meaning of safe driving, you didn’t want to find out his meaning of reckless driving.
The ride to Sendai University only took about 5 minutes, when realistically it would take 20 minutes by bus. You arrived and Kuroo teased, “are you going to let go, kitty?”
You hadn’t realized you were still gripping onto him for dear life. You released him from your hold and your hands still tingled from the amount of force you applied to his shirt. “Sorry!”
“No worries. Hey, look! I brought you here alive. Aren’t you glad?” he cackled.
His laugh sounded like a dying hyena but it did sound a little cute at the same time. “Yeah. Thank goodness. Your driving is insane, dude.”
He showed you all over campus, from the administrative buildings to the gymnasium, to the fields. Sendai was a pretty big campus, and it made you glad that you had a personal guide to show you all the different buildings.
After your little tour was over, he asked, “wanna grab a bite to eat? I’ll be a gentleman and pay for you too.”
Of course, you couldn’t say no to food. Much less, FREE FOOD! You nodded and got ready to ride the devil’s machinery again.
He took you to a nearby sushi bar. “Order whatever you’d like, princess. Today, I want to spoil you rotten.”
You melted at his words and also at the variety of rolls on the menu. You didn’t ask him if he really meant that you could order anything. You just kind of went for it. You ordered everything from shrimp tempura, to octopus, to eel. Sushi was your favorite and being told that you could order everything was a dream come true.
“Damn, girl! I had no idea you had such a huge appetite! I didn’t know you’d take me seriously on my offer. You’re gonna run my pockets dry.”
You blushed and looked away. “Sorry, Kuroo. I really couldn’t help myself. I love sushi so much.”
“I’m just teasing you, baby. You deserve to be treated like this everyday.”
You had no idea how to respond so you just kept stuffing your face with sushi.
After you finally had your fill, it was time to go home. It was getting late. Kuroo took you home and you were definitely more relaxed this time on the bike.
“I hope you had a great time today, kitty. And I hope I met your standards.”
“Yes, I did! Thank you so much, Kuroo! This was honestly so much fun. Thanks for everything.”
“Of course. Nothing but the best for you. I just need one little favor from you, baby.”
“Oh? What is it?”
“Can I get a kiss from your soft lips? I know you want to. I saw the way you kept staring at me, today.”
“Oh.. uhh.. Y-yea-yeah. Sure, of course.. Yeah,” you stammered.
You looked at him with soft, shy eyes and before you knew it, he leaned in quickly and kissed you on the lips. Your eyes were wide open in surprise but as he deepened the kiss, your eyes slowly shut.
The kiss felt like electricity coursing through your body. You didn’t know what it was, but this man definitely already had you wrapped around his long, slender finger.
As soon as you realized his hold on you, he backed off, and left you wanting more. He was such a tease.
“I can’t just let you have everything today, kitten. I need you wanting more.”
You didn’t know what to respond so you looked down at the ground shyly.
“I’ll message you later, y/n. Don’t make me wait too long, again.”
You waved and muttered, “Thank you, Kuroo.”
He revved up his bike and was gone in seconds.
You remained in a daze as you walked back up to your apartment. Once you got inside, you plopped down on your couch and released a long sigh. “Who knew that college was going to be so exciting..”
[link to kuroo pic i found]
#liberolove writes#lblv.kuroo#kuroo#kuroo tetsuro#kuroo x reader#kuroo tetsuro x reader#hq#haikyu#haikyuu#haikyuu!!#smau#crau#smut#crack#hq imagine#hq imagines#haikyuu imagine#haikyuu imagines#kuroo imagine#kuroo scenario#nekoma#karasuno#sendai#sendai university
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you know, @bumkeyz, i think it’s very nasty for you to say i have some kind of privilege in all of this. we don’t get to pick and choose who was affected by addy and her actions. just because you see the shit that we posted on tumblr, does not mean you have the full story. and i’m gonna be honest... fuck you and the anon in my inbox for making me feel like i MUST talk about my own trauma because if i didn’t, i was staying silent for her.
when i say my brain couldn’t handle this, it’s because of outside factors that i won’t get into and the fact i had the stark realization that i was in fact manipulated by addy. it’s been hard to come to terms with and all i wanted to do with that ask was highlight that i did not stand by her. but fine, you want the long post of it all, so here ya go.
here’s my story. my side of things. read if you want, or don’t.
tw : manipulation , guilt tripping .
i’m not going to pretend like i remember when addy and i met. all i remember is something was happening in the rpc and i was involved in some discourse and she came into my ims offering support. i was very leery of her at this point, as she had just come back from her stay with rpslayed. tumblr won’t let me reopen those ims now she’s deleted that old blog, but i know that i did reply. it went from that discourse, to the one she was having with B, someone that took advantage of her. and again, i have morals to uphold, so of course i went off about it. through all of this, i started to believe she had changed - which was a large lapse in my own judgement at the time, but we became friends. i wish i hadn’t NOW, but that’s not something i can change now.
i have a terrible memory as i’ve stated, so again, i’m not going to be able to give dates on this one either, but you know how there was an asterisked name in certain posts of her’s? yeah that was my name right up until her current boyfriend. me and addy had this... thing going. more of like a back and forth, will they won’t they. i wish it was as poetic as some wattpad fic because that’s where i begin to realize i was manipulated. the biggest thing i can remember is the whole situation concerning my best friend, who is also my ex-boyfriend. something that was truly one sided occurred between them and soon it was such a big thing that me and him were friends. one time, she did not even talk to me for days and would only add like an emphasis or thumbs down to my imessage texts ( idk what they’re called but you get me ) . i was constantly made to feel bad that my ex was my best friend, i remember once she found out we wanted to make a rp together and was all “im going back to bed”. i once made a post that said “you know it’s real if i send you tiktoks” and tagged him in it and that again, led to her ghosting me because she didn’t feel important enough to me or whatever.
i remember there was this time we didn’t talk for a certain amount of time, so i blocked her thinking we weren’t friends. and then i get this over cashapp.
i won’t lie. addy has given me money. she gave me money when i really needed it and i think that’s why i didn’t want to speak against her. because i didn’t want her to think i had just been using her for money because i know at one point that is what she thought of me. but anyway, at this point, i’m like oh so we ARE friends ? and i’ve just been thrown back and forth so much with her that it was normal to me at this point. so we reconnected. i think the guilt over accepting money from someone kept me by her side and kept me standing up for her.
people who know me know i’m not an active replier sometimes. i sometimes disappear for days at a time and come back. that’s just who i am. addy didn’t like this. i remember once she was mad at me because i posted a screenshot of something my friend said and again, i was ghosted. this is how even part of that went.
the entire thing is that i respect people’s boundaries. but this stemmed from a place of pettiness. this was the aftermath of that btw once i was softblocked.
things like this also occurred.
it felt like i was being PUNISHED for not replying. when i don’t reply, it’s not because i want to make someone not feel as if they’re not important to me, which is something she tried to say me posting a screenshot of someone else was me saying.
on the subject of the sexual jokes / allegations from other people : i had NO idea then that they were being made to everyone, especially minors. i thought it was something that was exclusive to people she liked. it became clear to me that she did make those jokes to everyone, but never, EVER to minors. please do not say i stand with someone whose said that shit to kids, because i would never. i’ve been at the receiving end of those and some were consensual, but not all, but i do digress.
ya know, i was always was to be blame for a failed almost relationship because don’t get me wrong, i did like addy. but i’ll also be the first to admit i am a VERY closed off person, but i still flirt with people a lot. but it was always pointed out to me that it was very clearly my fault, no matter if i apologized. it was always my fault. i always hurt her feelings ( to the point she would delete my number and contact entirely ) . it was just always, ALWAYS salt’s fault, she never let me forget that. i remember indirects were made about me such as this.
btw this right here, was made BEFORE the “who gonna tell me” post, which she ended up deleting and then posting those.
i remember even when i would TRY with her by saying hmu if you want to watch a movie, she would reply with “go ask [ex bf]” or when i reconnected with an flame she would say “whatever go flirt with [name]”. go do this, go do that.
but the kicker? she would always come back and act like nothing happened. and i would always be in such a state of whiplash with this. she would flirt with me again and i would flirt back because that’s what i was used to.
when she got in her newest relationship, it all kind of came to a close, except if i made a joke about it all, she would say i hurt her feelings and lash out about it all. i was STILL made to feel bad about it even when she was in a relationship.
i think at the end of the day, i should and WILL take full accountability for even becoming friends with her in the first place due to her past. i could’ve easily stopped all of this happening to me if i had not made that ONE decision. at the end of the day, i was still manipulated, i was still made to feel like trash over a failed relationship, and i let it happen because i had feelings for her AND she had helped me out when i most needed it. but i’ll be dammed if i let someone say i had a PRIVILEGE in this situation when i felt like i had to stay friends with her because of the money or because she would say some shit about me if i tried to not be friends with her. and while there is so much more i could pull up and show y’all, i do not feel like going through all of that. just know this pattern is what i experienced for upwards of a year or so.
you can believe what you want or feel how you want about me. it doesn’t change a damn thing that happened to me and i’m so, SO tired of being silent.
- salt.
#rpt#rpc#tags it so yall will see it ig#manipulation cw#guilt tripping cw#addy cw#anon is off btw bc of tht one i got while writing this
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Im your number one fan
Hello,
It’s been a moment since we’ve sat down and spoke heart to heart. I think it’s about time for us to do it again, actually right now.
I sat for the last two hours deleting and unsubscribing random email that fill your inbox. After, stopping and quitting a few time. I felt it was necessary to push though the nine thousand plus unread messages in your inbox. What a cluster fuck! After deleting six thousands unread and spam messages I started to delete and rearrange some inbox folders. After deleting a few, I opened the one labeled with you name on it. Come to find out, all of you reply's, conversations, personal photos and really the ins-and-outs about you are in there. You have one message dated back from 2007. I went through your emails or I should say, our emails in that folder. Wow! That’s about the only statement I could come up with. As I read though a hundred or so emails, responses, drafts, reply’s, conversations, damn it, you name it, it in there. What puzzled me was how you put together or formulated you words in drafted emails. Damn, and I’m clearly shaking my head. You can write or spell or put together a sentence to save your life. After reading through these emails I found a pattern. One; You quit. Two; You never can make up your mind. Three: You’re full of ideas and now follow through and commitment to any cause but the Ideas that flow though your head. Four; You fucked up royally a lot. Five; You never wanted to teach yourself how to write better. Six; You leaned on a lot of people to cover up anything and everything you didn’t want to work on. Oh, wait it gets better. I can see now, why you happen to be so upset with everyone not helping you. You’ve asked for help on so many different occasions and failed to follow up or to make it better and follow through with the request for idea you came up with. Man, Id make you do everything yourself as well. You can talk a great picture to life but you can’t write one to save you life.
The only way to get better at something is to practice that "thing" everyday. So let do just that. Write everyday for a whole year. I don’t think you're up to the challenge. You can motivate and inspire anyone in the world with your mouth, but can you inspire yourself. I think you’re full of shit, and not the person you say you are. How about you stop trying to be this undercover philosopher/savior/righteous/put-together man. Admit it! You came up short. You didn’t live up to your full potential. The first person you have to be honest with is yourself. I need you to stand up to the fear that live inside of you and tell it that shit its time to go. I can write these words, but can you live them. Can you follow through can you get up and take charge of everyday, every second, moment, breath and heart beat.
The one who has to look at these blood shot eyes and aging face and wonder if the person looking In the mirror cares about this life as much as the person writing these words. Is You… Your chest hurts, Your body hurts, You don’t eat, You don’t workout, You don't converse with anyone anymore. You talk to yourself more than you ever have in your life. You won’t read, You won’t write, You won’t work, You sleep in and won’t pull the trigger on anything creative. You’ve been hanging on to these stall ideas for years, while you watch other shoot the shot and land where they may. Stop being afraid. Let go of the past and move forward like time.
I very special person in your life told you something one day. He said, “Time doesn’t heal or fix anything. You do” It’s okay and I forgive you for getting us into this space and I forgive you for never wanting to face fear, anger, jealousy, hurt, doubt and rejection. Everyone can start over, you just have to end what you were trying to doing or trying to be. I heard this today on the radio and it sounded pretty cool and up your alley. Focus and pinpoint on everything you are not and you’ll know who you really are, I think that's how I heard it. .
You can’t get the time back, but you still have some time left to make it right with yourself.
Number one Fan
Everything I post is going to be edit free. I need to see all of my broken English, bad grammar, terrible punctuation and outrageous mis-spelled words that will get better with time.
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How I Run This Bitch My Blog :-)
[ under a cut bc i literally can never shut the hell UP lolol ]
Speed: oof well,, i think i can be pretty slow at times lol. i often will write a reply and then delete it and redo it bc i’m not happy with it. also longer threads are often the ones that take me longer, since i like to think over what i’m gonna write. plus i do have a life so yknow this stuff gets put on the back burner sometimes.
if it’s shitposting/short stuff i think i reply pretty decently... lmao ; w;
Replies: i generally try to match whatever the other person writes tbh! i know that sometimes with the longer stuff i get a bit rambly ( bc i love writing introspection sometimes lknbefvd ) so s/o to all the cool people who don’t get upset about that :-) especially when it’s tech stuff GOD im so sorry lkngklegnfv
Starters: oh i don’t. do the ‘starter calls’ really,.. not for any dramatic reason lmao it’s bc i’m not great at coming up with multiple starters at once; they always end up pretty same-y, which sucks! so i never really uhhhh do starters :’’’) i also get overwhelmed VERY easy so hhhhh i know it’s super shitty of me flgkbnrldn but i’m trying to work my way up to doing them!
i prefer ask memes to start interactions tbh, i feel like it’s less work for everyone involved lol. haven’t really plotted a whole bunch so idk how i feel about that either lmfao
Inbox: i love asks!! my inbox is open to everyone, whether i post a meme or if you just pop in to say something! however, oftentimes i don’t post every ask i get-- a lot of the time they’re related to crack stuff when i’m joking around with other people on dash, and i try to be conscious of how much i post in general ( but ESPECIALLY with shitposting fgklbnfd ) so, sometimes i just don’t answer stuff when i feel like i’ve been posting too much. if you’ve ever sent me an ask and i didn’t answer, it’s not you!! it’s just me being paranoid lol
Selectivity: well i was originally semi-selective but things change :-) mostly in that i... can be picky, i guess? so i’m selective now; i rp with mutuals mostly. if i follow you, i want to interact with you, that’s the biggest thing lol. i kind of expect somewhat proper grammar ( i speak 2 languages so yes i do understand having trouble with grammar! ) and for people to trim posts. before i had editable reblogs, i redid every single reply i wrote so that it wouldn’t be a giant post; if my dumb ass can do that, i feel it’s not too wild to expect that from others ; w;’’
Wishlist: ooh i don’t actually have one of these! i suppose... i’m always a sucker for tails fixing up robot characters, lol. i also love love love platonic friendship/familial stuff; part of the reason i love tails so much is bc found family stuff is so dear to me! so. yeah i’m a sucker for soft stuff, i guess that’s the mood lmao.
Honest Note: i am babey and don’t often talk to people first; i’m just shy by nature and uhhh i think people often believe that means i’m very cold or something but it’s literally just that i’m very shy. i’m also yknow mid twenties and i hope people don’t think i’m creepy or something??? i’m always lowkey worried about that tbh lol,,
also i think that bc i don’t do fancy formatting people think i’m weird/lame, which is fine lmao. i’m colorblind and that shit is just way too hard for me to fiddle with, plus i’ve got lots going on outside of tumblr, so if people don’t want to write with me bc they think my icons/theme are lame like, that’s fine lol.
tagged by: @amidst-the-storm ( ty!!! )
tagging: this seems to be the meme of the day so if you’ve not done it, here’s ur chance <3
#[;outofmiles]#;memes#[lol i love that tails icon but i have no use for it ever so :-) ]#[this is a good meme bc sometimes i feel like i need to say this shit but dont know how lol]
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I have to laugh at this nasty piece of crap. She spreads crap about my friend, and then plays the victim, mind she has always been very good at this, anyone remember that scamming incident early last year, the one where Judy said there had been a miscommunication, and she didn't realise she had broken the agreement, well she played the victim there as well, and basically accused the ACTUAL REAL Victim of setting her up and trying to make her look bad. Yeah because everyone wants to make you look bad, you don’t do it yourself. Judy always plays the victim, shes very good at it, there has been a number of incidents she has caused over the years, and she has always been the one responsible for causing the incident, she then plays the victim and spreads crap about the REAL victim.
so what actually happened, there was an argument between Judy and another player in game and to be honest it was in my opinion her fault as always, she jumped the gun and started being funny to this other player, and this other player told her where to go and called her a scammer. So I will now explain the situation, Judy likes mounts, but she refuses to Mount farm (at least she used to) unless it was set to Loot-Master (there is actually past proof of this on her actual blog where she posts these things about my friend all people have to do is look), This one particular day Judy decided to make her own mount farming party, and invites us, we accept not knowing that she set it to loot master she said nothing to anyone, we couldn't get the last DPS so Judy puts the party up in party finder, we soon get the last DPS. We went in to the duty and that’s when the random person asked why it was set to Loot-Master, we also were like . . .wait loot master . .so we all left the duty. Well out of the duty Judy kicked off demanding she would get the first mount as she was party leader, and any items the boss would drop again as she was party leader. Now Im going to say me and the other people in the group were not okay with this, and we were not aware she was like this, before we had only farmed 2 mounts with her, and she complained and whined through each one, she was very annoying to be honest, and if I am honest, she was carried through the previous 2. Anyway Judy claimed it was clearly displayed and she had clearly explained to everyone it was loot master, but she didn’t and it was not displayed we didn’t have a clue until we got in there and the random person saw it. But instead of saying sorry, Judy basically insults this other player saying she herself is Chinese and has better reading skills than this person and they them self must be stupid, so in linkshell my friend said to her Judy you should just say sorry and stop this and set it to normal loot roll please, a number of the group who were in this linkshell agreed with this.
Well Judy refused so after say 5 mins the rest of us left, and started a new group and put that up in PF, the random person joined us, and Judy joined us and she carried on bickering with this random person, who was not replying and seemed like they had blocked Judy. We then kicked Judy from the party.
So all of this started over Judy attempting to scam someone in Early September 2019. Judy wont admit to this though, she says it all started in November and December when my friend Freya’s account was inactive.
The second incident was in early October 2019 and was in the linkshell, so Freya and myself were in a PvP group with Judy and 2 of her friends, now it was not a pre made group, we just got unlucky and got matched with them, we were not really on good terms with Judy from the first incident, I mean I dont like people who try and SCAM others, why the heck would anyone.
Well Freya spelt something wrong in the party chat, and immediately Judy and her 2 friends started having a go at Freya, they were literally AFKing at base throwing abuse at her in party chat. Well unlucky I voted to kick Judy, and it passed. Well then Judy probably annoyed because she got kicked started having a go at Freya in the Linkshell that we were all in, and carried on insulting her.
Freya has got dyslexia and English is not her first language so yeah she does spell things incorrectly, however I know people who do not have dyslexia and English is their first language and they spell things incorrectly, and in Judys case, I mean has anyone seen her take on English, I mean the above screen shots are traumatic enough its broken English at the best, I mean really no reason on this earth for Judy to actually have a go at someone for their English. The funniest thing was Freya didn't sit there and put up with it, Freya told Judy, which Judy didn't like, and then proceeded to kick Judy from the linkshell, it was so nice and peaceful with out the constant shrill tone of that bitches complaining, because let me tell you she complained about everything. I seriously think she has a queen complex.
So the next thing Judy claims is that we deleted our discord, we didn't we kicked her from it, because she was harassing people on it, we only invited her in the first place because she was a friend of one of the people we farmed mounts with.
So harassment wise she contacted the daughter of one of our mount farming members and showed the daughter some stuff Judy claimed had been said by the daughters father to Judy over discord. . .I will use the word fake because these discord conversations had the other persons name blocked out, you could not see who the other person was everything had been blocked out. Basically Judy was trying to make a father look bad in front of his daughter by sending her altered screen shots. So we kicked her, she actually mentions her version of events in her blog posts, she says
“ I was suddenly pulled into the conversation team by them in discord. I didn't say anything before and thought I was worried.
Fear of a fart, I had expected that you would come to play the big dragon and the phoenix. I was not surprised, and he also added the shrew to that group of conversations and
Just say I design traps, I am a bad guy or something. I told my father and daughter that I left because I chose it because I had read what they said.
As for which shrew finally said his desire to destroy my reputation, I will say on the spot that you continue to roar. I don't care anyway, all the so-called evidence that passes through your hand is the conversation you ps.” (PS=Photoshop)
so This blog was posted on 28/10/2019, I want to point out now that no one else seemed to know about any Photo Shopped images at this point the first mention of these from the other involved people like Yuri Fairytale comes in late November early December, So my question here is why does Judy mention Photo Shopped images, how does Judy someone who claims she is on the PS4 know these images are photo shopped when no one else even knows they exist until late November early December 2019, Yuri didn't know until November 30th so how did Judy know a month before everyone else ???
I think it is because Judy made these photos herself, she certainly made / altered the discord screen shots she sent to the daughter, i also know Judy is not using a PS4 all the time, Judy did start out playing on the PS4, but she bought copies for the PC, when she had a better PC, I know for a fact 1 persons account can be multi platform, I have had 2 different friends who have started with PS4 accounts and then gone on to the PC, it is an actual thing. So saying her account is PS4 doesn't mean shes still playing on the PS4, it means she originally started on the PS4.
Also going to point out Judy mentions Yuri and herself looked at these screen shots they claim are fake, Judy actually says they (Judy and Yuri) EXAMINED them closely personally I think this is very suspicious, I mean why would you need to examine something so closely, especially when you claim like Yuri does and has in the past, he has no idea when it comes to things like discord. Very Strange
Judy also mentions she has access to a discord account which she calls the FAKE discord account and says she checks it and in fact has access to it, Is that the account that’s been pretending to be my friend seems like it Judy says it is anyway, and the only way Judy would have access to this FAKE account is if she was the one who made it.
I will say myself and my friend have involved discord, they have been very decent and have provided my friend with proof that her account was not active during the months of November and December. I mean I understand people may not be interested now, but people should be interested in the truth, these idiots from the lich congress for no reason set out on a witch hunt against my friend, and to a point myself, and a few of our other friends. They have spread lies about us for no reason, and we are not the first people this lich congress has done this to. They are idiots, they are people who love drama and thrive on it, so much so that they make it up themselves.
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wedding dress | kim jungwoo
Warnings: Fighting
Genre: Fluff with a some Angst
Word Count:10.1k
A/n: This is the longest thing i've ever written. Im not even sure if its good or even makes sense. I just feel like the reader and Jungwoo didn't bond much but my friend said she really liked the story anyway so il go ahead and post it. I might delete this later. Oh and sorry Doyoung XD
Definitely spelling and grammar errors, if you spot any please let me know
Your grip tightened on the pillow, you squeezed it like your entire life depended on it. The air seemed to be thick with tension. The longer you two went without saying another the more you felt heavy. You looked around your apartment, the place that normally felt so warm and welcoming felt foreign. It didn’t feel like your home anymore, it felt like a trap.
“Y/n” Doyoungs stern voice snapped you out of your trance. Never once had you heard him sound so hurtful.
“Did you even listen to a thing I said? God stop being such an idiot,” Doyoung snapped at you. He sighed, tapping his feet rapidly against the ground. Your heart clenched in pain, his words echoed in your head making you feel sick.
“I was listening. Doyoung,, I,, I thought you loved me?” You squeaked out, afraid to look him in eyes.
Doyoung shook his head “I did, at least I thought I did. For a while, I pretended to still be happy but I can’t keep doing this anymore. As I said, I’ll pack up my stuff and move in with a friend,” Doyoung causally talked about the breakup like it really didn’t matter to him. More than anything you started to feel your anger bubble up.
“Did this relationship mean nothing to you? I just,, I can’t believe you! After 3 years together your breaking up with me like this relationship meant absolutely nothing to you,, and,, and the wedding? I already have my dress and it’s already planned. What am I supposed to tell everyone!” Your voice raised with every word.
Doyoung scoffed at you “Simple, we will cancel it. You can return the dress. It’s not that big of a deal,” he didn’t answer your question instead he made your relationship out to be nothing. It started to be overbearingly painful to continue to hold back your tears. You finally let loose, the hot tears cascaded down your cheeks.Your cheek bone felt like they were throbbing.
“Is there someone else?” You finally asked what had been on your mind all night. Doyoung seemed taken back by your words. He stared at you in surprise. His silence was physically suffocating. You started to choke on your tears, coughing a few times you waited for his reply.
Hesitantly he nodded his head “You’re smarter than I thought you were,” he pointed out.
“Oh god,, why? Who is it Doyoung!! Who is it!” You demanded, still in tears. You took a step forward and clung to the kitchen counter with all your might. Your knees felt like they were gonna give out.
“I fell in love with her the minute I laid eyes on her. I’ve seriously never seen someone so beautiful. It was really refreshing. I thought back to you and I never felt the spark. It was supposed to be a one-time thing, I mean, I had just proposed. One turned into two and then eventually it became an every Thursday thing. With Jieun I feel alive,” Doyoung passionately described his secret love affair with Jieun.
“Jieun?” You asked in reassurance. Jieun was the new intern at your work, she was a sweet and cute looking young girl.
“Are you kidding me? She is practically a kid, Doyoung,” your entire body started to shake. Finally, your knees gave out, Doyoung took a few steps forward and caught you In his arms beige you could hit the ground. It felt nice to be in his warm embrace for the last time.
You quickly came to your senses, pushing him away as hard as you could you yelled “Go away!! Just fucking leave, I don’t want to see your face again,” you started pushing on his chest. Doyoung grabbed your hand and looked into your red and puffy eyes
“Calm down. I need you to tell me that you won’t tell anyone I cheated?” Doyoung wanted to make one thing clear. You bit your lip to hold back even more tears, Doyoung only cared about his image.
“Fine but under one condition. We tell everyone that I called off the engagement, it will make me feel better.” You did your best to sound stern. If Doyoung was going to break up with you for another girl 2 months before you were going to get married you didn’t want anyone to know the truth.
Doyoung smiled and lightly laughed “Yeah that’s perfectly fine! I’m so glad that you have a simple mind. Well if that’s it then I’m gonna grab some of my things and leave. I’ll pack up my stuff while you are at work this way we don’t have to see each other.” He patted your shoulder and left for your previously shared bedroom.
You stared at the cold tile floor, all your happy memories with Doyoung flashed in your head. From the time when you first saw him to the time when he first asked you out. You could remember the joy of Doyoung returning your feelings. You lightly giggled when you remembered the feeling of your heart bursting in joy when you saw him on one knee. Doyoung walked out of the room, sending a message on his phone.
He looked up at you and met your gaze “Thank you for being so understanding,” he awkwardly waved before slipping on his shoes and leaving. Like he hadn’t just ripped your heart out and stepped on it.
“Hey Kim Dongyoung,,you’re a heartless monster,” your voice was wobbly as you were on the verge of tears once more. “I guess they do say that the hottest love has the coldest end,” your vision blurred with hot tears. “Why did you have to leave me? Couldn’t you see how much I loved you!” You screamed, grasping at your hair. Angrily you started jumping up and down, loud sobs echoing through the empty and barren feeling apartment.
The place that was once full of love and warm was now dead and cold. “Do you know much money I spent on the wedding? Oh my god, the wedding. What am I gonna do?” You started to panic and rambled to yourself about all of the problems that you were suddenly realizing. “Fuck!” You screamed, grabbing the pillow that your fist clenched and chucked it at the wall.
A wave of exhaustion washed over you. Your body acted before your mind did. You pushed open the bedroom door and stared at the empty king sized bed. The room still had a lingering scent of him. Glancing towards the closet you admired his clothes that were still here. Sniffling a little you pulled one of his hoodies off of the hanger. Slipping your shirt off over your head you put on his hoodie. Hugging it close to your body it felt like he was hugging you one last time. Yawning you felt another wave of exhaustion wash over you. Crawling in the bed you rested on what was normally his side. “Why did you have to leave me, Doyoung? Why?” Your body started to shake with tears. No one around to comfort you, even when you told everyone the wedding had been called off you still wouldn’t have anyone to comfort you. No one would know the truth except for Doyoung, Jieun and you. The last thing you saw before you drifted off into sleep was Doyoungs adorable bunny smile.
Rolling over to your other side you continued to lay in bed. If someone had walked in on you right now they would think they discovered a dead body. Which honestly was true, at this point you felt dead and emotionless. How could Doyoung so casually break up with you when just a year ago he was proposing? You held your mouth shut and started to scream, your body took over and you flailed around the bed like a fish out of water.
“Asshole,” you yelled, grabbing a pillow off the end you chucked it at his side of the closet. Your knotted hair momentarily blocked your vision, reminding you that you were long overdue for a shower. For about 7 days you had done nothing but cry in bed and eat. Blindly reaching for your phone you attempted to find it. When you finally felt the hard case, you pressed the home screen and checked the time. The bright screen caused you a great deal of pain. You managed to make out that you had over 23 missed calls, all from Johnny and Yuta. A text message caught your eye “Y/n!!! We! Need! To! Talk!” from Johnny. You read, realizing that Doyoung had probably told them already.
You tossed your phone to the side and thought back to the wretched night. How calm you had seemingly been when he left. Part of you was so upset and distraught at Doyoung for breaking up with you when you were to be married but another part of you didn't care. It felt nice to not be with him because deep down inside you knew that your feelings for Doyoung had faded the past few months, you loved him but not as much as you could have. Sighing you sent Johnny a quick text “Yeah, we do.”
“It was a mutual decision but I was the one who initiated it. We just realized that we weren’t meant for each other,” you explained to Johnny and Yuta with a fake smile. It was hard to act so bravely, you didn’t want to leave the house today but Johnny called you saying he heard from Doyoung that you guys broke up about a week ago. You had spent that whole week laying in your tear stained bed feeling sorry for yourself.
“Are you serious? So what are you gonna do with the wedding stuff?” Yuta asked curiously.
He scanned you up and down, trying to search you for any hint of a lie. You gave them both a smile “I decide that I’m gonna donate it all!” You took a sip of your vanilla tea and watched their reactions closely.
“All of it? But you spent so much on it,” Johnny pointed out with his mouth agape.
“Yeah, but I was lucky enough to be able to afford all of it. Someone girl out there is about to get married but doesn’t have the money for all the super expensive stuff. I want to give back,” you looked around you. The cafe was filled with a lot of people today. A young couple caught your eye, they looked so happy and in love.
“Don’t believe it all. He might be cheating on you,” you yelled at them in your head. “You’re such a nice person. I’m going to be honest, I’m really shocked that you called off the wedding. Doyoung really loved you. I’m sad.” Yuta lightly laughed, not realizing the drastic pain his words shot to your heart.
Johnny nodded his head “Did he beg for a second chance?” Johnny made the entire situation worse.
“No. It was a mutual feeling.” Your words held no emotion behind them, you felt dead while telling them the lie you had spun for the sake of yours and Doyoungs pride. Johnny and Yuta exchanged a look before nodding.
“Doyoung was really upset, wasn’t he? And he wanted you to tell everyone it was mutual, didn’t he?” Yuta and Johnny thought they had cracked the code. Except the only thing they cracked was your feelings.
“As much as I wish I could stay and gossip longer I have some errands to run. So if you don’t mind I’ll be taking my leave,” you quickly grabbed your things and left. You didn’t even spare them a second glance, just like Doyoung did to you. A vibration from your phone caused you to open it “Are you kidding me Y/n? Doyoung was such a good guy, how dare you call off the engagement!” Your sister texted. You started to cry as you stared at the bright screen.
The words echoing in your head “Doyoung wasn’t as good of a guy as you all thought!” You screamed at the top of your lungs. A few passersby stared at you with wide eyes before they started to whisper amongst themselves. “Whatever,” you sent back not even caring what she thought of you at this point. “Why am I the bad guy? This isn’t what I intended,” you mumbled to yourself. “Doyoung is the real bad guy,” you added before finally arriving at the bus stop. You glanced up at the sky which was now greying. “I’ll just run some errands tomorrow. I want to sleep,” you sat down on the bench at waited for it to arrive.
Your eyes blurred once more with burning tears. You were about to wipe with your hand them when someone held a handkerchief in front of you. Glancing up at the wonder of the hand you locked eyes with a gentle brown color. He shook his hand and glanced at the handkerchief. Most of his face was covered with a scarf but you could still make out his soft features. You slightly smiled before grabbing the handkerchief. More tears started to fall at the kindness of this stranger “thank you and I’m so sorry to bother you,” your voice broke. The stranger's eyes widened “You aren't bothering me, if you were I wouldn’t have done anything,” he pointed out. He lowered his scarf so you could hear him. You folded the handkerchief and stretched out to hand it back to him. You locked eyes with him once more and you felt your heart rate pick up speed. He gave you an adorable gummy smile and took it back.
“I hope whatever has made you upset will pass,” he smiled, placing the handkerchief back in his pocket. “Thank you. Your kindness is appreciated,” you said before a dark blue bus pulled up. You stood up and sent the kind stranger a look. He shook his head and waved goodbye “Bye-“ you waited for him to say his name. “Jungwoo,” He introduced. “Bye Jungwoo and thank you, I’m Y/n” you slowly started to enter the bus. “Bye Y/n I hope your day gets better,” he managed to say before the bus driver shut the door. The driver sent you a scary glare. You hurriedly sat down in a seat and watched Jungwoo as the bus pulled away.
You stared down at the ripped piece of paper in your hand. The address was the same as the building in front of you. Pushing open the door you looked around. After a few seconds, you found the counter.
“Excuse me?” You asked approaching the coworkers. They both turned around to face you at the same time. You gasped a little when you locked eyes with Jungwoo. “Oh,” he said while staring at you. “How can we help you, miss?” The other one asked without noticing anything.
You looked at his name tag before speaking up “Hello Lucas. I want to donate this dress but I wanted to make sure that it gets sold for a low price,” you shook your head and pushed aside all your embarrassment from Jungwoo watching you return your wedding dress.
“Oh god. Are you sure? This dress looks really expensive and new?” Lucas boldly said while taking the dress from you.
He looked it up and down and sent you another look “Yeah. Can you guys please sell it for a low price?” You asked again wanting to make sure the dress could be sold at a cheap price.
“Uh yeah. We sure can. May you please out this form,” Lucas handed you a light blue form and a pen.
The whole time Jungwoo never said anything which kinda scared you. You didn’t know why you cared so much what Jungwoo thought of you but you did. Jungwoo stared at you with sad looking eyes. “All it asks is why you are returning and a few other things,” Lucas continued to perfectly do his job. Jungwoo just stood there in silence.
You quickly filled out the form and sighed it. “Well if that’s it then I’ll be taking my leave,” you quickly handed Lucas the form and rushed out of the store. You felt like crying under Jungwoos intense stare.
“Wow. I wonder why she is returning a brand new wedding dress?” Lucas said while admiring the dress. Jungwoo looked at it and sighed “I think I know why,” Jungwoo spoke, connecting the pieces together.
Lucas made a weird sound and turned to look at his quiet coworker “Well spill the beans dude. You can’t just say that and not tell me, man!” Lucas yelled and hit Jungwoos chest in a playful manner.
“Why else would someone be returning a brand new dress! Her wedding was probably called off for whatever reason,” Jungwoo stared at the door almost waiting for you to appear again.
“Oh shit, you right. I wonder why?” Lucas questioned, also looking towards the door.
“I don’t have the answer to that,” Jungwoo simply said before going back to what he was doing before you came. He did his best to focus but your image was clouding his mind. He couldn’t help but wonder, why did your wedding get called off?
It’s not like you actually wanted to go back, you just had a few more things to donate. You silently prayed that Jungwoo would be there again, or Lucas. It would be rather embarrassing see them 2 days in a row, both times you donating your old wedding stuff. You looked down at the big tote bag to make sure that you had everything you wanted. It was a bunch of simple decorations, like the table toppers and a few rief like objects. Pushing open the door you immediately looked at the counter.
“Welcome back!” Lucas greeted, you felt your cheeks burn red at the way he greeted you. Jungwoo turned around and faced you, he gave you that adorable gummy smile that had been in your head for the past few days and waved. “Hi,” you quietly said, approaching the counter once more.
Jungwoo had already grabbed the form and a pen for you. You reached out to grab them, your fingers over so slightly brushing against each other. Like they describe in the books and movies, you felt a spark of a foreign emotion shoot through your whole body. Both you and Jungwoo momentarily stopped what you were doing.
It wasn't until Lucas spoke up “So what you got this time?” that you finally came to your senses. Pulling away from Jungwoo you sent Lucas a small smile. “Decorations, this should hopefully be the last time you see me,” you told them the truth. Jungwoos mouth fell open. He wanted to say something, ask for your number at least, but he knew that you recently called off a wedding and he wanted to be a gentleman. “Why did your wedding get called off?” Lucas asked without missing a beat. Jungwoos eyes widened and he turned to face Lucas with an absolutely dumbstruck look on his face. Lucas felt Jungwoos intense gaze on him and he turned to face the older boy “What?” Lucas asked, confused.
You started to laugh at the interactions between the two. Despite the fact that they were coworkers they seemed to be really good friends. You scoffed and thought back to the old intern, Jieun. She seemed like such a sweet and innocent young girl. All of the things you did for her when she told you that she and her boyfriend broke up you let her stay at your house for 2 weeks. Were her and Doyoung lying and secretly using the opportunity to hook up? In your own home? You felt your stomach churn at the thoughts, you don't want to say it but you knew it was probably true.
Lucas looked back at you with his doe eyes, he was clearly waiting for your response. You stopped writing and looked back up at him “We just weren't meant to be,” you simply said. You tried to keep your answer as vague as possible. It was at the point that if you told another person that “you” called off the wedding you would probably break down in tears. It was tiring to tell everyone your lie and have them immediately take Doyoungs side and yell at you for being a bitch.
Jungwoo bit his lip, he thought for a moment and decided to speak “As long as you're happy. It isn't good to hold things back,” Jungwoo didn't realize how much his words actually applied to you. You awkwardly laughed “Yeah,, I'm getting there,” you honestly told them. Sliding the form and pen back across the counter you handed Lucas the bag and turned to leave. Jungwoo reached his hand out, like you were going to see it, and watched you leave. You stopped at the door for a split second, it was oddly weighing you down to have to leave Jungwoo once more. You shook your head and raised a hand to wave goodbye. Quickly you pushed open the door and were greeted by the sharp cold wind. You sighed and made your way to the bus stop. Jungwoos bright smile ingrained in your head.
Dragging your feet you prepared yourself for your boss to probably fire you. You stopped in front of the small cafe and wanted to throw yourself off of a bridge. Jieun better be glad that she didn't intern here anymore, otherwise you probably would have poured coffee over her head. Straightening your shoulders you put on a smile and pushed open the glass door. The above rang and your coworkers looked at you like they had seen a ghost.
“You're back!” one of them beamed while running over to hug you. “I heard what happened, I'm so sorry,” they added, giving you a tighter hug. You lightly chuckled and hugged back. “Sorry that I kinda abandoned you guys, I needed a little time to recover,” you said.
“That's reasonable, you just called off your wedding that you had been raving about for weeks,” your bosses stern voice echoed through the cafe. You felt your blood run cold but her words didn't seem to have any malicious intent to them,,, they seemed genuinely caring.
“I know its a little odd but there was a lot going on behind the scene,” you tried to explain without telling them the truth. Your boss and coworkers simply nodded. “Well L/n you'll have a lot to make up for while you were gone. I expect you to be working extra hard, got it?” she turned her back and prepared herself to go back to the office. You nodded your head so fast you got light headed “Understood,” you jokingly saluted making your coworker laugh. You boss slightly smiled before wiping it off and returning to the office. You rushed to the break room and put on your apron and name tag.
Returning back you got to work like you hadn't been gone for 2 weeks. The workday went by as it normally would, you were already feeling tired but you kept the smile on your face and focused on making the correct orders. The bell rang and you turned to greet the customer. “Hi welcome-” you stopped speaking and stared like a deer in the headlights. Lucas beamed once he saw you and Jungwoo scratched the back of his neck.
“Wow Y/n this must be fate!” Lucas boosted, not realizing that you and Jungwoo had met before you two did. Jungwoo laughed at his younger friend words. He cocked his head to the side when he thought about Lucas's words, it was a little odd that you happen to meet on the street, at his work, and now at your work. “I guess so,” you joke while preparing yourself for their orders.
Your coworkers looked between you three “Hey Y/n you gonna tell me who these hotties are orrrr?” you coworker nudged and whispered in your ear. You felt a pang in your heart at her words “Uh, this is Jungwoo and Lucas, I just recently met them,” you half-assedly said. “Nice to meet you two I'm-” you but your coworker off from introducing herself and asked, “How may I take your orders?” Your co-worker didn't see anything wrong with you cutting her off and she started to laugh, thinking that you were doing it as a joke.
Lucas gave you his big smile and glanced at the menu “Yeah, can I get a double chocolate chip frappe?” he asked. You nodded your head and punched that in, glancing at Jungwoo you blushed when you saw he was already looking at you. You both awkwardly looked away. Coughing Jungwoo started to speak “Yeah uh,, may I get ultra caramel frappe?” he gave you a nervous smile. You nodded your head and punched it in the machine “Will that be all?” you asked. They both nodded, Jungwoo swiped his card, paying for both the orders. They left to sit at a table and wait.
You decided in that moment that you were going to make the best frappes they had ever had. You worked diligently to make sure that the drinks would taste amazing, you even added a little extra chocolate chip to Lucas’ and caramel to Jungwoos. Calling their name you smiled as they walked up to collect their drinks. “So you work here?’ Jungwoo asked while mentally cursing himself for asking such a stupid question. Lucas whipped is head to look at Jungwoo with a dumbfounded look. You giggled at Jungwoos nervous face and nodded “Every Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday!” you told him your work days in hopes that maybe he’d visit. “Really? I'll make sure to come when you're working,” Jungwoo smiled gently at you. His cheeks turned a light pink in happiness.
Lucas looked between you two before looking like he was realizing something. “Alright Y/n, as much as Jungwoo would love to stay and talk we have to get back to work. Oh and thanks for the dinks, man, they taste amazing,” Lucas laughed at his own words and started to leave the shop. Jungwoo shot Lucas a betrayed look before waving goodbye to you. “Bye Y/n, have a wonderful work day,” Jungwoo said his goodbyes and followed Lucas out of the door. You watched him leave with a content smile. Your co-worker gave you a confused look “Oh my god Y/n don't tell me you called off the wedding because you fell for someone else?” she asked with her mouth agape. You whipped your head to her and gave her a dark stare “I didn't call off the wedding because I liked someone else, I'm not that low,” you didn't mean for your voice to come out as dark, it just did. She seemed to take the hint and went back to work while whistling. You felt bad for snapping but you weren't having any of it.
Punching the order into the cash register you told your co-worker what they wanted so they could get started on that. This day felt like it would never end. It didn't help that it started to horribly, some customer accuse you of spitting in their drink and they demanded to watch the security footage. Then there was the lady who brought her toddler in and blamed you guys when he tripped and fell. Everything seemed to be going wrong and you wanted it to end. Another customer walked in, you grumbled and prepared yourself to deal with another maniac.
“Hi Y/n,” a soft voice said. You didn't have to look up to know who it was “Jungwoo,” you contently said while looking up to see his charming smile. “Would you like the same as the other day?” you asked. Talking with Jungwoo just seemed so natural and easy.
He nodded his head “Oh, you remember?” Jungwoo felt a little bashful that you remembered his order.
“Of course,” you punched it in and asked your coworker to make it.
Jungwoo noticed your disheveled appearance, he could tell you were tired so he asked: “Has it been a long day?”
Your shoulders slumped and you nodded your head “Yeah, I don't get why customers blame us for nothing,” Jungwoo nodded in understanding. An idea came into his head, he was just a little nervous to say it.
Thinking to himself he pushed aside his nerves “What time do you get off?” His word caught you by surprise.
You fiddled with your fingers “6pm,” you bit your lip and waited to see what he would say next.
Jungwoo looked away while speaking “Would you mind if I took you out for dinner,,, you really look like you could use it,” he added at the end trying to not make it seem like a date. Even if that's what he wanted it to be. Your tummy feels all warm inside, it had been such a long time since you been out anywhere with a guy. Even towards your last few months with Doyoung you guys didn't really go anywhere or do anything special. Honestly Looking back on it all you should have seen it coming. He became so distant during your last few months and he barely kissed or hugged you.
Deciding in your head you smiled at Jungwoo “That sounds really amazing, I'd love too.” Your words caught Jungwoo by surprise He was really preparing himself to be rejected. ‘Really?” he stuttered.
You giggled at his cute flustered reaction “Yes really.” Your coworker handed you his drink and went back to what she was doing. Quietly eavesdropping on your conversation.
“A,,,alright! I'll stop by when you get off and I'll take you somewhere nice, you won't regret it,” Jungwoo put his hand into a fist and gave you a determined giggle.
“I'm sure I won't, see you later,” you waved goodbye to him. You couldn't help but feel like a teenage girl again. When you first met Doyoung you were so young and naive, you really thought he was the one for just because he was nice. However, now that you aren't together anymore and you've seen a completely different sid not him you realize that he really wasn't the one for you. You were so caught up in wanting to get married that you didn't really care who you got married too. Your coworker scoffed at the interaction.
“You literally just broke Doyoungs heart and you're already hooking up with someone else. Y/n don't think I don't know the truth about you, Jieun told me that you kicked Doyoung out without any explanation. He showed up at her doorstep in tears, Jieun is such a nice girl, she and Doyoung are way better together than you,” she thought to herself while watching you closely.
You quickly spun around and gave her an enthusiastic smile “Did you see that I still have it in me,” you joked while bursting into a fit of giggles.
She pretended to laugh along with you, “I'm surprised! I really thought you were upset with your breakup, you're recovering very quickly;” her words were laced with venom. Y
ou furrowed your eyebrows “I still am really upset about the whole breakup,, but-” you couldn't exactly tell her the truth so you played around with your words “but,, as I said, Doyoung and I just weren't meant to be. The last few months of our relationship were not the best and it was a mutual agreement to call it off,” you explained, using your hands to help tell the story.
She nodded her head and sarcastically said: “yeah,, totally.”
The sun was setting, letting this emotion-packed day come to an end. You finished wiping the counter and hardly rushed to the break room. You touched up your hair and makeup and left to go wait for Jungwoo. Exiting the breakroom you were greeted with the sight of Jungwoo adorable rocking back and forth on his heels. His hands were in his sweaters pockets and his bangs messily rested on his forehead.
“Hi,” you quietly waved at him. Jungwoo looked p and met your eyes, he smiled.
“Well come on, let me take you somewhere nice,” he giggled at his own awkwardly choice of words. You smiled and followed close behind him, sending one last look to your coworker.
“Where are we going?” you asked, curiously taking you over.
“It really isn't the nicest place and it definitely isn't impressive, it's just somehow I find relaxing,” he chuckled.
“Do you have a jacket? Cause you might get cold,” he added while looking you up and down.
“Oh,, no,” you rubbed your neck in embarrassment.
Jungwoo could tell that you felt bad “That's okay! If you get cold you can borrow my jacket,” he didn't realize how much his words would affect you. Your cheeks turned red and you felt your body dance in excitement. You couldn't help but compare Jungwoo to Doyoung.
At first, Doyoung was sweet and would offer you his jacket but towards the end, he called you an idiot for not bringing one. WIthout thinking the words came out of your mouth “You're a lot nicer than Doyoung,” once the words came out of your mouth you covered your face behind your hand. J
ungwoo cocked his head to the side and looked back at you “Was Doyoung your fiance??” he asked, seemingly unbothered but your sudden words.
Before you could answer he smiled when a food truck came into view “Ah! I know it's not that amazing but I like to get some food from here and eat it over at that picnic bench,” he pointed to a picnic bench under a tree.
You giggled at how excited he seemed “I think it is amazing.” You both ordered your food and waited for it to be finished.
“He was,, we were dating for 2 years and engaged for 1,” you looked over to meet Jungwoos gaze.
He seemed sad as he spoke “You must’ve really liked him to be in such a long relationship with him,” he pointed out. You let out a laugh in relief. The vendor handed you your food and wished you a nice day. Walking over to the bench you cracked your brain on what to say. It felt like if you told Jungwoo he would leave but something deep inside told you that it was okay to tell him.
“I did,, he was my entire world and I was ready to give up everything for his happiness,” you felt your eyes water.
“Can I ask you something?” Jungwoo said while quietly nibbling on his food.
“Yeah go ahead,” you wiped the tears that were about to fall and stared at him, intently waiting for his question.
“Why did you guys break up?” he sighed. The silence that took over you guys was kinda heavy. You started to cry, not holding back. The muscles in your face started to tremble, the wall that you had built up thanks to Doyoung came crashing down at Jungwoos gaze. He was taken aback at first but quickly pulled out his handkerchief. The same one he had when you first met. Instead of giving it to you he leaned across the table and dabbed at your tears for you.
“Its okay, you don't have to tell me if it brings up such bad memories,” Jungwoo seemed like such a caring guy.
“Can I tell you the truth?” you asked, needing to get everything off of your chest.
“Of course, your secrets are safe with me,” he gave you a gentle smile and patiently waited.
“We made a deal the night we broke up. I would tell everyone that I called off the engagement and his secret wouldn't get out. Now everyone thinks I'm some heartless bitch that broke her finances heart 2 months before their wedding. It's the other way around. He cheated on me with one of my old coworkers and he broke up with me to be with her,” you explode with all your raw emotions. Jungwoo held out his arms in response.
You walked over to him and held him tightly. Shaking against his body your hands clutched at his jacket and you cried. He slowly rocked back and forth, rubbing warm circles on your back. It didn't take long for your tears to sain his sweatshirt but he didn't mind. You rubbed your eyes and looked up at him, linking slowly with your tear-soaked lashes.
“You haven't told anyone the truth?” he asked in utter disbelief.
He pulled you closer to him as you spoke “You're the first one. I never even told my own family what actually happened.” You looked up in surprise when you felt something wet fall on your head. Locking eyes with Jungwoo you noticed he was crying.
“Oh my gosh why are you crying?” you asked while gently wiping away his tears with the pad of your thumb.
“Because I feel so bad. Y/n I really haven't known you for a long time but you seem like such a nice and wonderful girl and it physically hurts me to see you in pain.” His words hit you like a truck, even when you were at your worst Doyoung was never this caring.
You were deep in thought, Jungwoos warm arms stayed tightly wrapped around you. It reminded you of the first time you and Doyoung kissed. You had been at a stop picking out snacks to eat while messing around. Being so obnoxious and loud the owner had chased you two out. You can't remember how far you and Doyoung ran or why you even ran so far in the first place. All you knew was that you were having the time of your life, in that moment you had never experienced something more fun. When you finally stopped running you placed your hands on your knees and tried to catch your breath.
Doyoung couldn't stop laughing at the entire situation, he pulled you in for a hug and rocked back and forth with you in his arms. Once I looked up Doyoung pressed his warm lips to yours and you shared your first kiss together. It was heartbreaking for you to remember. Your lungs felt like concrete had been poured into them, the harder the concrete dried the less you could breathe.
Thinking about Doyoung, Jungwoos arms didn't feel right wrapped around you. You didn't know what you were doing. You suddenly pushed Jungwoo away from you and went run, tears cascading down your cheeks. Jungwoo called out after you but you kept running until your legs felt like giving out under you. Screaming you let your body fall to the ground, knees bursting in pain at the sudden contact. You choked on your tears, gasping for air you begged for the pain to be over, you begged to feel any emotion other than sadness for once.
“What am I doing?? Why would Jungwoo like me? We just met and for all, I know he could turn out like Doyoung,” your anxieties spoke in your head. You let yourself believe them because you are so afraid of what would happen if you loved again. Hysterical cries that only stopped when you needed to breath could be heard by anyone that passed by. Kneeling on the cold hard ground you continued to let the sobs take over your body for a few minutes. A few people passed by and completely ignores you, they didn't seem to care about the weird girl on the street.
Grabbing your phone you shakily dialed Johnny's number. After a few rings he picked up “Johnny can we talk? I need to tell you something,” you said, hoping to meet up with your best friend. After a few seconds of awkward silence Johnny's loud voice spoke “Y/n I'm really sorry but with I'm Doyoung right now, maybe later,” he suggested. Though his words may have suggested otherwise you couldn't feel any remorse in his words. “Forget about it,” you said, hanging up on him.
Standing up you wiped your puffy eyes and racked your brain over what to do. Your knees felt extremely sore and your entire body was weighing you down. All you wanted was to talk to someone, but none of your friends were on your side. They had all changed their opinions of you after “you” canceled the wedding. Thinking about all the people that you thought were you close friends you mind finally landed on someone. Your dearest coworker, Kyungmin. She was one of the only people that seemed to still like you and she was happy when you told her about Jungwoo.
Shakily pulling out your phone you scrolled through your contacts in an attempt to find her. She wasn't someone that you had really depended on, the only times you ever talked outside of work were discussing if one of you could cover each other's hours. The few times you did talk about non shift covering things you talked about how rude your boss had been. Not once did you talk about your personal life together. Despite all that you felt like you knew everything about her, working side by side with someone so many days a week you kinda had a bond. Clicking on the call button on your contact you waited for her to pick up. The store would have been closed by now and she probably would have been relaxing in her dorm.
“Y/n?” she asked, clearly taken back by your sudden call.
“Kyungmin can we talk??” you could tell that her voice had taken her by surprise, it was obvious that you had been crying.
“Uhh,, in person or over the phone?” she rolled her eyes, not liking the thought of having to meet up with you.
“I would prefer it in person but if you can then on the phone is fine,” honestly all you wanted was to be able to talk to someone and tell them what happened and everything that had been going on.
“I don't think I can meet up right now but go ahead and tell me what's wrong. Did your date with Jungwoo go alright?” you smiled when it sounded like she was genuinely concerned.
“Gosh, it went perfectly until I messed it up,” sighing you thought back to how happy you had felt. Inhaling a deep breath you began to explain to Kyungmin everything. Starting from the beginning with your breakup. Kyungmin nodded along and seemed like she was actually listening. Once you were done it felt like a weight had been lifted from your shoulders.
“Y/n,, I'm so sorry,” she said, voice cracking. You thought that she was apologizing for what happened to you so you want to speak up and tell her it was fine when she added “Doyoung and Jieun told everyone that you broke his heart and that he showed up on Jieun's door crying because you kicked him out,” KyungMin explained to you what Jieun told her. “What?!” you shoot up in shock, head spinning at the sudden movement.
“Yeah, I believed them...maybe that's why no one has been talking to you. As for the Jungwoo thing,, I say you go find him and explain how you were feeling in that moment and why you pushed him away. He sounds like he genuinely likes you...Ill... I'll try and deal with Jieun. Once again Y/n, I am so sorry,” Kyungmin hurriedly hung up the phone. You weren't really sure if she was actually going to “deal” with Jieun like she said she would be you had no choice but to blindly trust her.
Collecting yourself and clamp down you tried to think of where Jungwoo might be. You didn't have his number and didn't know where he lived so you were kinda screwed. “Should,, should I go to the donation store? Lucas and him seemed close so he might have gone to him to talk things out?” you thought to yourself. Biting your lip you googled the store and dialed the number It rang a few times before a scratchy voice you grew to love spoke up “Gifts that keep on Giving this is Jungwoo speaking, how may I help?” he sniffled a few times signaling to you that he had been crying. Without saying anything you hung up and started to run towards the store.
Despite the fact that you could count the number of times you’d been to the store on your fingers, you knew how to get to it. “Kim Jungwoo!! I'm so sorry,, I like you Jungwoo!” you screamed, picking up your pace. The pedestrians around you stopped to stare, they were probably wondering why you were acting like a madman but you could care less. “I hurt your feelings and I'm so sorry! I was afraid of you getting close to me and then suddenly leaving like Doyoung did!” you screamed again. It felt rather nice to just scream and get all these bundled up emotions off your chest. “Kim Dongyoung and Lee Ji Eun!! I'm going to kill you, you cheated on me and you make me out to be the bad guy! You made all my friends and family think I was some heartless bitch who kicked you out, whatever happened to our agreement?” You screamed, stopping when the store came into view. The more you ran the smaller your lungs seemed to feel, it had been years since you ran this much.
You pushed open the glass door so hard it smacked against the wall next to it, making a loud crashing sound. “Jung,,, Jun,, Jungwoo,” you painted, hands on your knees. “Y/n?” Jungwoo and Lucas asked at the same time. Jungwoo rushed over to our side, glancing up at Jungwoo you couldn't help but lightly smile. “I need to-” you started to say before your vision went completely black. Everything around you seemed to fade into a scarily dark void, taking you with them. “Oh shit,” Lucas yelled when you passed out. Jungwoo lunged forward, sliding on his knees he managed to catch you before you hurt yourself by hitting the floor.
”May you please get some water?’ Jungwoo asked Lucas. He picked you up in his arms and carried you to a chair in the breakroom. He immediately noticed you're already scabbed and bruised knees. “Oh, Y/n,, what did you do to yourself?” he questioned despite you being passed out. Seeing you so helpless in his arms once again made him want to burst into tears. After what felt like hours Lucas finally returned with a glass of water. Jungwoo took the cup from him and carefully parted your lips so he could pour the water. His free hand tilted your head up, helping you swallow. Your eyes closed tighter and your body started to stir.
“Oh gosh,” you mumbled, raising a hand to your forehead. “Y/n! You're awake,” Jungwoos big dopey smile appeared on his face. You opened your eyes and hazily blinked up at the cute boy. His face was rather close to yours as he peered down at you. All the events that had led to this moment gave you a surge of confidence that would have never surprise.
Pulling down you brought his face closer to yours and placed an intense kiss on his lips. existed in any other situation. You wrapped your arms around Jungwoos neck, catching him but Almost like they were made for each other your lips molded together perfectly, it felt like all the cliches movie kisses exploded in your stomach. It took Jungwoo a moment to process what is happening when his brain finally did his cheeks heated up redder than a cherry. He finally returned the kiss, his hands brushed some hair out of your face as he deepened the kiss even more by lightly biting your lip. Gasping heavily you pulled away for air, giggling while you took in Jungwoos disheveled appearance. You couldn't help but notice his red puffy eyes, you softly used the pad of your thumb to brush away some tear droplets that hung around his eyes.
“I'm so sorry I caused you so much pain. I didn't mean to, I was just so scared about everything that's happening. It felt like everything was moving so fast and I couldn't help but think of Doyoung. Jungwoo these past few weeks you have done nothing but cheer me up and support me endlessly, more than Doyoung did in the entirety of our relationship. You have shown me what it's like to be loved again and I want you to know I returned the feelings,” your voice was low and airy as you were still gasping for air.
Lucas who had been standing in the back watching this all happen gasped and crept away, back out into the shop so he didn't have to continue watching that. “Gross,” he mumbled to himself as he thought back to the intense kiss you two shared right in front of him. “Nasty,” he added while shaking his head. Jungwoo turned as he sensed his best friend leaving. Turning back to face you he began to giggle, he helped you sit up.
“Y/n I don't know what it is about you but something just keeps pulling me in. I'll admit, it's kinda scary. I don't know what the futures hold but what I do know is that I want the future to involve you,” he said while leaning in to place a gentle and warm kiss on your partially swollen lips. “Jungwoo,” you mumbled, tears welling up in your eyes for the millionth time that night.Jungwoo softly laughed, his voice cracked as he spoke:
“Don't cry.” Despite his own words he started to cry along with you. Soon the shop was filled with your loud sobs and Lucas’ comments. The sound of your phone ringing snapped you out of your crying fest. Your hands shook as you fiddled with it. A look of confusion spread across your face when you saw who was calling, answering the phone you were even more surprised by the words that came through.
“Johnny?” you asked recalling the last time you spoke to your best friend.
“Is it true?” he asked in a sharp voice.
“Is what true?” you played dumb at his words.
“Did Doyoung really cheat on you?’ he asked feeling the urge to cry. He couldn't believe that he believed some guy he barely knew over his own best friend, he felt like a total douche.
“Oh,, so the truth is out now,” you took a moment to look at Jungwoo before you smiled and continued.
“Doyoung did cheat on me, he suddenly broke up with me and explained that he had spent the past few months of his life with Jieun and he loved her. I felt so embarrassed about the wedding being called off that I asked if we could have everyone believe that I was the one who called it off and that it was a mutual decision. I didn't know that he and Jieun would go around telling that lie. I'm sorry I never told you the truth,” as you spoke Jungwoo grabbed your hand caringly.
“God Y/n,, I'm the one who should be sorry, not you. I can't believe I actually thought you broke Doyoungs heart, I should have known better. I'm so sorry, can you forgive me,, and Yuta?” he asked, voice cracking. Y
ou nodded your head even though he couldn't see you “Of course I'll forgive you. Besides don't be to saddened about Doyoung and I’s break up,, I've found someone who genuinely loves me and I could ask for more,” you said while staring into Jungwoos eyes.
His eyes sparkled with excitement “Hey Johnny I have to go,, talk to you later,” you said while hanging up the phone.
“I really am sorry that I ran away earlier. I couldn't get the memory of what Doyoung did out of my head and I got really scared, I thought maybe you were playing a trick on me. Then I realized that you are a genuinely nice guy and it was my own insecurities turning you into someone who you are not,, Jungwoo I,,, I think I'm in love with you?” you looked up from the floor and into his eyes once more.
Jungwoo gulped at your words, he pulled you into his chest and rubbed your back soothingly. His scent was so intoxicating you almost didn't listen to what he had to say.
“Y/n I know I'm in love with you. Ever since I first saw you waiting for the bus, I knew there was something special about you,” he said while holding you even tighter. Jungwoo cradled you in his arms like he was afraid of letting go. You signed into his warm embrace.
“Since I haven't officially asked you yet. Y/n would you like to be my girlfriend?” he pulled away and peered down at you. A big smile grew on your face and you rapidly nodded your head “I would love that,, It would be an honor, you giggled and kissed Jugnoo again. Kissing him was something you knew you'd never get tired of, his lips were so magnetic and tasted like sweet nectar.
“I uh hate to interrupt your lovey-dovey moment here and all but uh,, I need to close up,” Lucas’ loud voice boomed through the small dim lighted room. He scratched the back of his neck as he stared at the both of you. You both started to laugh at Lucas’ words.
“Yeah sorry about that,” Jungwoo and you started to stand.
“Y/n would you like to stay over at my place tonight?” he asked with an arm around your waist. Your heartbeat quickened at his word and you shyly nodded your head “I would love too.”
Fiddling with the flower and pearl clip in your hair you swayed side to side. Kyungmin giggled as she watched you from her place at the vanity.
“Y/n don't worry! Everything will be fine,” she quietly encouraged you. You turned around slowly, using your hands to help you swerving in the dress.
“Are you sure? What if he sees me and just decides to leave-” you were about to list of all the horrible things that could go wrong when Kyungmin interrupt you.
“If you keep focussing on the ‘What if’ moments then you won't be able to enjoy the current moments.” She stood up and approved your shaky figure, taking your hand in hers she stared deeply into your eyes.
“Y/n Jungwoo loves you more than anything in this world and that's pretty obvious to any stranger that happens to walk past you two. He isn't going to leave, he isn't Doyoung,” she stated while trying to get it in your head. You felt your shoulders relax, you started to jump up and down in excitement.
“Oh my gosh Kyungmin I'm getting married!” you yelled. You both started to squeal and scream, jumping in a circle together while swinging your hands back and forth.
“My best friend is getting married!” Kyungmin screamed at the top of her lungs. The lady who was doing your makeup giggled as she stared at you both, she shook her head and remembered back to the day of her wedding. A loud knock on the door caused you both to freeze in place. Kyungmin quietly walked over and opened it up just a crack.
“Oh, babe!” she said while opening it all the way and engulfing Lucas in a big hug. “Jungwoo is super nervous and wanted me to check up on you two,” he said while smiling down at Kyungmin.
“I think it's clear that you are doing fine. No cold feet?” he pointed out while laughing at the scene he had just heard through the door.
“Hey Y/n!” Lucas yelled while running up to you, careful not to step on your dress.
“Guess what,” he said while giving you a teasing smile. Kyungmin had approached you tow, cruises as to what he was going to say. He grabbed your hand with one hand and grabbed Kyungmins with the other. Swinging your guys' arms he yelled at the top of his lungs “You're getting married!” and started to jump in a circle. All three of you giggled as you danced in a circle, rejoicing.
“I can't believe this is happening, you cried out in joy. Lucas flopped back on the couch and stared at you with doe eyes.
“Thank you. Jungwoo has always been a shy and timid boy until he met you. I've never seen him so glowing before,” his voice was soft, it was a drastic change form the normal Lucas you had grown to know and love.
“Of course. You have an amazing best friend, you know,” you said while sighing. “Everyone get into positions,, its time,” one of the workers said. Kyungmin and Lucas left the room hand n hand. You pushed all your nerves aside and waited for your cue to walk down the aisle.
With your arm wrapped with who was walking down the aisle, you took a deep breath and pushed open the door. With tears in your eyes, you scanned the crowd. Johnny and Yuta stood next to Lucas at the top as groomsmen, Kyungmin next to Johnny and Yutas girlfriends as bridesmaids. You tried to calm your beating heart as you slowly walked down the aisle. Your eyes carefully to skimmed over the crowd in fear of looking at Jungwoo.
You gasped quietly and then beamed when your eyes landed on a familiar face. “They did come,” you thought as you smiled at Doyoung and Jieun. Despite everything that they had done to you, you invited them to your wedding. Doyoung looked you up and down with a proud smile. Breaking eye contact with Doyoung you finally looked at Jungwoo.
Jungwoos hand was hiding his face as the stars rapidly cascaded down your cheeks. “You look stunning,” he mouthed making you lightly laugh. You wiped your own tears and carefully stood in front of him. All of your memories flashed through your head, you couldn't believe you had fallen in love with the cute boy at the bus stop who offered you his handkerchief. Your ears tuned in and out of the justice of the peace words as you stared at your handsome soon to be husband.
Holding the paper tightly Jungwoo began saying his vows. Once he was done you ripped your tears and read yours in return.
The justice of the peace smiled and asked: “Do you, Kim Jungwoo take Y/n as your lawfully wedded wife?” Jungwoo inhaled a deep breath and nodded “I do.”
“Do you Y/N L/N take Jungwoo as your lawfully wedded husband?” You didn't even have to think for a month. Your heart screamed in joy as you said this destined two words, the words you thought you were going to say for Doyoung. “I do.” Everyone was ready to clap as the justice of the peace finally said.
“I announce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride,” he took a step aside. Jungwoo reached out and pulled you into him, your body pressed flush against his. Like the first time you ever kissed, fireworks erupted in your stomach and you giggled into the kiss.
Pulling away every clapped and cheered. Kyungmin gave Lucas a warm smile while Johnny and Yuta high-fived. Doyoung and Jieun signed and held their hands together tighter.
You were entering a new chapter of your life, one that you were not familiar with and you were more than happy that it was Jungwoo who would write it with you.
#kpop#kpop imagines#kpop scenarios#kpop fluff#kpop angst#kpop nct#nct imagines#nct scenarios#nct fluff#nct angst#nct 127 imagines#nct 127 scenarios#nct 127 fluff#nct 127 reactions#nct 127 angst#nct u imagines#nct u scenarios#nct u fluff#nct u angst#nct u reactions#nct#jungwoo imagines#jungwoo scenarios#jungwoo fluff#jungwoo angst#jungwoo headcanons#jungwoo reactons#doyoung agnst#doyoung imagines#doyoung scenarios
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very long, very personal post
tldr, im still not drawing but here’s a detailed account of everything that’s happened in case anyone is confused or misinformed
alright. let me start out by saying i’m not going back to art just yet. it still hurts to do anything art related and i’m still trying to find a way to heal from all of this. i need some kind of professional help first, and i don’t know how long it’ll take afterwards for me to begin feeling like myself again. i don’t even know if i’ll be able to get any kind of professional help at the moment; my university’s counseling center told me, in short, that i’m so mentally ill that their services would not be enough for me and i’d have to look elsewhere (which is reasonable, tbh, they’re almost always completely booked so it’s difficult to actually even talk to someone there in the first place, i only got to talk to them to begin with because i nearly killed myself one night after having the most intense panic attack of my life where i felt like i was actually in the process of dying) and as if that weren’t enough, if you follow me on twitter you’d know that my mom finally left my stepdad, but this means that we no longer really have a home to call our own and are now living with some of my mom’s friends. on the bright side, miso is a lot freer and gets to explore the house as he pleases, but on the downside money is tight and my mom is trying her best to find a place to live while working two jobs and trying to help pay for my tuition. long story short, i want some kind of professional help badly, but all the bullshit that’s been happening in my life makes that difficult.
anyway, i understand that i’ve worried a lot of people through all of this, and i’m sorry. i truly, genuinely am sorry for everything that’s been going on. i blame a lot of it on myself not being strong enough. if i were stronger, i wouldn’t care about some stupid internet trolls, or some random grown man in florida stalking all my social media. if i were stronger, i could take my life back. i wouldn’t feel the need to constantly contemplate suicide, or to torture my own body by starving because of my physical form feeling like the only thing i have left to be in control of. if i had only been stronger, like my old stupidly foolish overconfident 16 year old self who got into fucking STEVEN UNIVERSE DISCOURSE of all things, maybe i wouldn’t care. even when it first happened to me, after the initial shock and hiatus, i was pretty much back to normal almost instantly. but this kind of trauma is sneaky and will gradually eat away at you more and more while you pretend to be ok, and then eventually you reach a breaking point and it’s taken over your life. that’s why i’m still obsessing over that day two years later. that’s why i can’t be left alone on december 13th this year, or else i know for a fact i will harm myself in some way. (don’t worry about that though, burger is going to hang out with me that day and i’ll be fine.) still, even though i keep telling myself my past self was stronger, i do know that she really wasn’t. she was still struggling with depression, anxiety, and self harm issues. maybe it just manifested differently for a while. maybe she felt unstoppable at some point in time because she finally found a girlfriend and got a cat. i got into so many fights that weren’t worth my time or energy at all, and part of me wishes i could be that confident again, but i also know that was my downfall to begin with.
i have followers who haven’t been around for longer than a year or maybe less than two, so i might as well give everyone a true, thorough rundown of what happened leading up to that day, the day of, and after.
i’m sure a lot of you who are worried about me at the moment have seen the recent callout for colboh and his involvement in what happened. i’ll be honest--i don’t know the full extent of his involvement, and i want to believe his foolishness ends at not leaving artists who have blocked him alone and uploading their shit to booru sites when they explicitly state not to. so let’s just start there. i honestly don’t remember if it was before or after i first blocked him, but he uploaded one of my NSFW drawings to danbooru when i first shared my NSFW blog. (PROTIP: if you’re a minor, don’t share your NSFW art with anyone. don’t care if you’re 17, i was about to turn 17 myself. it will bite you in the ass. as such, some of this is my fault.) i quickly contacted danbooru asking them to delete it, and they did--but that artwork subsequently ended up on gelbooru as well, and i was unsuccessful in my efforts to remove my art from there.
fast forward to december 13th, 2016. it was a normal morning. i was getting ready for school, but also being dumb and lazing around in bed browsing tumblr. i saw a post from a blog that shares Funny 4chan Screencaps. my art was in it. the art was of a very muscular yuugi, a drawing i was proud of, especially in how much gay energy i thought it radiated--but this drawing was being used in one of those typical “here’s a touhou, i wanna fuck her! am i right guys? let’s talk about how badly we want to fuck her” threads. seeing my art used for this was appalling. my first mistake was reblogging the post and saying how it was wrong, and how my art shouldn’t ever be used for such a purpose. my second mistake was making a text post AND tweets expressing my disgust at the situation, thinking no one who frequented /jp/ would ever see, sure that it would be a big waste of their time to concern themselves with some random dumb “”sjw”” artist. i also probably shouldn’t have specifically called them “gross neckbeards,” in doing so i absolutely struck a nerve with basement dwellers everywhere. i got to school and during my second period class, suddenly felt a strange urge to look at /jp/. why i did that, i still don’t really know. maybe i was expecting hate. maybe i was trying to see if they used my art for something gross again. i don’t know. either way, that moment changed everything forever. i saw the screencap of my tweets posted for everyone in their circlejerk to see. even worse--i looked in the thread, and someone had also posted the NSFW art colboh had uploaded to danbooru, mocking it and calling me a hypocrite for drawing two girls having sex while also saying i don’t like my art being used for those kinds of threads. this is what truly ignited the amount of hate i saw directed towards me in the threads. i got called a bitch, a drama whore, got told to kill myself, and in one reply etched into my mind forever, someone said something along the lines of “we should all call her local gang and have them rape her, she just needs a good dicking.” there were multiple threads, too; i don’t know how many, but there was another one about me after the first one was deleted, in which someone edited a typical fat balding NTR hentai doujin style man into art i made of kagerou nosebleeding at wakasagihime. more disparaging comments were made. in both threads, people expressed their hatred and dislike of my art, some calling it garbage, some just saying it’s “bad,” etc. some people said the threads were unnecessary and rude, but they were a kind few in a cesspool of violence.
i don’t know who started these threads. i can’t assume anything about anyone, but whoever did this was definitely looking through all my social media out of bitterness and hatred, or perhaps even following me on both my tumblr and twitter considering the timing of the threads immediately after i complained. it eats at me that i most likely will never know who did this to me. i’ll never know who hated me so much that they decided to completely destroy my self esteem. if whoever it is who did all of this is reading this and feels any ounce of remorse, i’m begging them to reveal themselves and why they did it, but i know the chances of that happening are incredibly slim. someone, i can’t remember who, maybe it was queenly, told me they hope someday i reach a point where i don’t have to worry about that because i won’t care in general, but i still don’t know if i’ll ever reach a point where i stop caring about all of this.
like i mentioned earlier, after this all first happened, i was destroyed. the next day, my school’s GSA happened to have a vote for whose art would be on the club t-shirts, mine or someone else’s. mine lost. i broke down completely--anywhere i went, i wasn’t good enough, not for anyone. for days, there was a constant feeling of horror and fear in my chest, something i’ve only ever felt so intensely when one of these threads resurfaces or i suddenly relive my trauma due to other things triggering me. i took a hiatus that lasted a few weeks, i believe i came back sometime before the new year. i thought i was ok, and i pretended like i could go back to being myself. but as time went on, and i continued living with the weight of that day on my back, i became weaker and weaker. i stopped drawing as frequently as i used to. my final year of high school started and i ended up falling into such a deep depression that i constantly skipped school and eventually attempted suicide in november 2017. the suicide note i wrote cites that day as being one of the main things leading me to my decision, telling whoever did this to me that i hoped in my passing they’d have to live knowing what they did to me. my attempt only failed because i swore to take every pill left in the bottle and there were only four pills. had it been full, i’m not really sure what would have happened. i was sent to a mental institute afterwards for a week. being there was the absolute definition of hell. i was alone. i cried myself to sleep every night. they claimed to be a place where people were improved and got help, but i did not get any help at all. they basically imprisoned me for trying to kill myself. when i got out, i was only glad to be alive because i just wanted to be able to talk to my friends, my family, and my girlfriend again. it still shocks me that i was able to graduate from high school considering how much school i skipped before and after my suicide attempt.
sometime before that school year ended, i became extremely upset one afternoon and decided to run away from home. i had what happened to me and what was said about me that day running through my head. i tweeted that i hoped maybe in running away i’d end up being raped like they wanted, like how i deserved. someone who i considered a friend replied to this with, “fuck you.” after all of this was taken care of and i was safe at home, i responded that i was sorry, that i wasn’t thinking right when i made the tweet. she responded that i was, and blocked me. i tried to explain that i said what i did because of the threads about me on /jp/ and the one response threatening rape, but this was disregarded and, seemingly, ignored. a few days later, the former friend in question started sending me anon hate on tumblr, asking me why i want attention so badly, accusing me of making light of actual rape victims by saying such a thing. i explained myself, but to no avail. i blocked her on tumblr, and left it at that. but then, at the end of the school year, when i was proud of myself for finally getting through high school without killing myself or failing or anything, i stumbled upon the second thread. the date the thread was created lined up exactly with the time between me running away from home and me receiving anon hate. she can try to act like she didn’t make the thread all she wants, but i’m not an idiot. the replies were also eerily similar--people in the replies remembered me, a year and a half after the original thread. some replies mentioned me having attempted suicide months before. some mentioned my NSFW art again. i had a massive breakdown and nearly drowned myself in the pond down the road. it was a wet, rainy night, and i sat on a bench by the pond sobbing loudly, trying to find some way to want to keep living. but i couldn’t. i might have gone through with it if it hadn’t been for burger coming and talking to me and giving me a ride home.
entering college, i thought things would be easier. in a way, they are. i have more freedom with classes. this semester, i attended almost all of my classes, almost every day, just with the exception of me being sick some days and me accidentally oversleeping once, and then one day when i just didn’t feel like it. but things continued to get worse for me--i developed an eating disorder for many reasons, one being the time i spent a year prior depressed caused me to gain a significant amount of weight, and the other being i had sworn off self harm in the form of cutting. i found that i was able to get the same gratification from starving myself. at one point, it turned into a game of sorts, where i tried to see how long i could go without eating anything. my record was a little over 72 hours. being constantly hungry or in pain this way felt like something i deserved in a way, but also something to distract me from the pain of realizing i was losing my love for art. i was in denial about it for months. i tried to keep drawing, but everything i drew upset me, saddened me, and even angered me. i looked at anything i made and only felt disgust. it was the one thing i used to love doing more than anything, and now i only felt shame.
in november, i acknowledged this and decided to quit for good. recently, i discovered colboh had uploaded more of my NSFW art to gelbooru, even though i specifically stated on my blog to never upload my NSFW art to image sharing sites, specifically right after he uploaded my art the first time. by the time i found this, i had already sworn off art for good, but looking at the comments on my art on gelbooru (and rule 34--i guess they’re connected upload-wise like danbooru?) filled me with so much sadness and shame, not because they criticized my art, but because they said horrible things about my depiction of kagerou. for those who don’t know, i headcanon kagerou as a trans woman, and one thing i do not regret about my time as an artist is how that depiction has helped numerous trans women feel good about themselves and their bodies. seeing so many disgusting comments deliberately misgendering her and making other transphobic remarks hurt me on a completely new level. my trans friends have been such a source of strength for me through all of this and seeing that made me feel disgusted, especially with myself. i felt like i had failed them. i had made so many trans women happy, only to see a man i blocked two years ago had uploaded my art to porn sites, tagging it with dehumanizing words like “f*ta” that i specifically tell people never to refer to my art with, displaying that art for the exact same crowds of people that ruined everything december 13th 2016 to continue to pick apart. one comment even told me to kill myself, effectively bringing back every memory of that day.
speaking of that, another thing i want to touch on now that i’m up to speed with the details of everything that’s happened related to the original threads two years ago, is kagerou. i’m positive you all know that i really love kagerou imaizumi, and that she’s my favorite touhou character. it’s embarrassing to say, but she’s brought me so much comfort through all of this. sometimes if i’m sad, i’ll imagine her giving me a big hug, or i’ll look at cute pictures i have saved of her, or something along those lines. it’s pretty cringy for a fictional character to make me happy, i know, but i’ve grown so attached to her and she really means a lot to me. and another thing that made me want to swear off art is because she’s loved by so many others that i don’t think my depictions of her do her any good. i’m constantly compared to other artists, and it’s never good. even in the threads, i’m told i should be more like those other artists and these things wouldn’t happen to me. i am not allowed to love kagerou imaizumi. i draw her as a hairy trans lesbian, and that disgusts people. hell, the fact that i draw lesbians in general disgusts people, which sure fucking sucks because i constantly hate myself for not being attracted to men and being able to draw happy lesbians made me feel better about myself. but i’ve ruined kagerou for so many people, especially with my stupid kagewaka bullshit. maybe that’s why those artists unfollowed me. maybe it’s a combination of that and my constant breakdowns becoming far too annoying. i think all the popular artists who used to like me and then unfollowed/softblocked me are really glad to see that i’ve given up. and that’s something else that saddens me too--even as an artist, in my own community of touhou artists, i often feel like i’m lesser, and that i don’t belong. maybe it’s because i’m so foolishly outspoken about my opinions that they dislike me. maybe it’s because i’m a woman, and a lesbian at that. i don’t really know why they hate me so much. i wish i could belong somewhere.
and i think that’s what it all boils down to in the end. i’ve lost all sense of belonging. when i was 14 and people started noticing my art for the first time, i finally felt like i had something. like i belonged somewhere. after being bullied through middle school and having to deal with abusive friends and an abusive dad, it meant the world to me that i finally had something. but it didn’t last long at all. it all came crashing down, not just because of others, but because of me. i was the one who was cocky, getting into fights that weren’t worth it. i was the one who provoked people and made them hate me. i was the one who complained about /jp/ posting my art in their threads. i know people want to believe that i’m a saint, but i’m not. i have myself to blame too. i at least want everyone to understand this, above all else. there was so much i could have done differently to prevent this all from happening, but i didn’t. i was stupid and naive. i was a massive fucking idiot, and now look where i am. i lost everything. i thought i had friends, i lost them. i thought i loved art, i lost that. i thought other really talented nice people liked me, i even lost that. all i have now is an empty shell of my former self. i don’t know what to do with it. i don’t know how i’m going to rebuild myself. it’s so painful to have to keep living like this. i don’t know if there’s any fixing me at this point. i’ve lost so much, i feel permanently broken.
but despite all of that, despite everything i’ve been through, i still receive so much love and support from my followers and friends and it means so much to me. it means the world to me and has kept me going through all of this. knowing that people care about me and want to see me get better and improve makes me want to try to fix myself even if i am broken beyond repair. i just want to thank you all for being that source of strength for me. these past few years have been so hard for me and time and time again i still get love and encouragement from so many people. from the bottom of my heart, thank you. there is nothing more precious to me than those moments when i feel like i do truly belong, when i feel loved, when i feel like i’m not alone after all. for those moments, i’ll keep trying. even if these threads keep continuing and breaking me further, i’ll keep trying. even if every last artist in this fandom comes to hate me and my shitty art, i’ll keep trying. it’s still painful to draw right now and i have a long way to go before i can share art with anyone again, but for you all, i’m going to keep trying my best. at the end of the day, i know everyone’s encouragement and love is worth far more than hate threads urging me to kill myself.
i’m sorry how long and personal and unnecessary this is, but i felt like i had to set things straight. if you read all of this, i applaud you. if you just kinda skimmed through to read the last paragraph, i also appreciate it. again, thank you.
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you know i want all of the AUs!!! but especially that coffeeshop AU — with sprinkles of them becoming roommates and having to fake date for some mysterious reason. :D (but i‘d be happy with just the coffeeshop AU tbh.) but you know i love all of your AUs (stories in general) and love you! ❤️
it’s no coffee shop au, but i managed to do the other two - anything for you, girl! (also on ao3)
Jyn was literally already halfway to her parent’s house when she got themessages.
JynnjYYYNNNNNfuck my life apparently danielle is getting marriedFUCKFKJGIN MARRIEDPLS ANSWER THIS IS AN OFFICIAL CODE BLUE
She’d only glanced at them as she drove, but upon seeing the forebodingDanielle’s name she immediately pulled over to read them through properly.
Oh.
Oh, shit.
She hastily texted back,
AREU FUCKING KIDDING ME TELL ME UR KIDDING
Only two cars whizzed on by before he replied,
I am NOT kidding, she’s fuckingannounced it on fb????
In the next second, Jyn was furiously pulling up said Facebook, searchingfor Danielle’s profile. She was technically still friends with the woman, butonly so that she could retain the prime stalking privileges that being Facebookfriends provided. If she could, she would have blocked and deleted herMONTHS ago, but Cassian had begged her to keep her around ‘just in case, Idon’t know, so I can avoid her I guess’. It didn’t take much scrolling. Themost recent post of hers was an engagement announcement to some guy she hadliterally never even heard of, complete with professional photo spread andcurrently over a thousand likes.
Out of spite, Jyn angry-faced it.
JUSTCHECKED, MATE U WEREN”T KIDDING
OF COURSE IM NOT KIDDING
Areu drunk yet????
I’m certainly on my way
Jyn sighed, staring at her phone. She’d been planning on meeting up withher parents for dinner for months now. With her living several cities away andtheir ever-increasing schedules, it was always hard to find the time… but thisparticular crisis called for significant action. She quickly texted Cassian oncemore,
Areu at home??
I am currently on the couch of pain,yes
Don’tmove, I’ve just left work, I’ll be there soon
Before she could receive the expected ‘no, no, you go see your familylike you planned don’t worry about me’ messages, she quickly called herparents.
“Hello?”
“Mama? It’s me,” Jyn said. “Look, I know we’ve had to reschedule thisdinner like three times now, and I’m so sorry, but I won’t be able to make ittonight either.”
“What’s going on this time?” Lyra Erso sighed.
“Cassian’s ex-fiancée has just announced that she’s engaged again.”
“Oh, shit,” Lyra said at once, any trace of disappointment instantly gone. “Seriously, Danielle?”
“You understand the gravity of the situation.”
“I thought they’d only just broken up?”
“It was four months ago,” Jyn admitted. “But four months to get over athree year relationship, find someone else, fall in love, AND get engagedagain? Fuck her!”
“Jyn, go home, seriously,” Lyra insisted. “Make sure that boydoesn’t drown himself in the bathtub or something.”
“I think drowning in alcohol is more likely – thanks Mama,” Jyn said inrelief. “Can you explain to Papa?”
“Of course – OI, GALEN!” Lyra’s booming voice suddenly screeched down the other end of theline. “CASSIAN’S EX GOT ENGAGED AGAIN!”
“The girl who dumped him two weeksbefore the wedding? How dare she!”
“I KNOW RIGHT?”
Jyn figured to hang up then. It didn’t take long for her to hang a quicku-turn and swing back in the direction she had come from, but it was longenough to notice the ten or so new messages that had apparently been sentto her as she’d spoken to her parents.
“Don’t even start,” she said upon storming straight into theirapartment. “I was coming back no matter what you said, this is a Code Blue forsure.”
“Did I even use the right one? Which one was Code Blue again?” Cassiansaid in resignation. He didn’t even bother getting up from the sofa, where hewas currently laid splayed out with a half-empty bottle of wine sitting on thecoffee table next to him.
“Code Blue is ‘emotionally my life has gone balls up and I need you’,”Jyn reminded him. “Code Red is ‘I fucked up and need immediate assistance’. Wesave Code Black for ‘I’M DYING’.”
“I don’t know, I think this could be a Code Black as well, Jyn.”
“You’re not dying yet,” she snorted, snagging the wine as she sat downon the other end of the sofa, lifting Cassian’s legs out of the way anddropping them back into her lap. She peered at the bottle in her hand andasked, “Could you have bought a cheaper bottle of wine?”
“I wasn’t spending any more on her.”
“Fair point,” Jyn threw some back. Cassian gestured for her to pass itbetween them, but she shook her head before hastily drinking more. “No, no, Iclearly have to catch up here.”
“I’m not THAT drunk.”
“Try and get off this sofa.”
He glared at her for several moments.
“Case in point.”
Cassian groaned, flinging an arm over his eyes. “Honestly, how did I endup here?” he said and Jyn felt for him, she really did. When you knew someonefor nearly 10 years, you saw a lot of heartbreaks and aches. From when they’dfirst met as awkward 18-year-old’s, to now in their late twenties and honestlyjust trying to Adult without dying, the two of them had been there throughevery single disastrous relationship they’d ever had. She’d been therebefore, during and after the Danielle fiasco, and he’d been right at her sideas she’d slashed the tyres of every ex who’d ever cheated on her (tugging onher arm and practically begging that they leave before they get caught, but he’dstill never let her do it alone). There was little that they hadn’t donetogether, or that they wouldn’t do for each other, to be honest. She rubbed hisshin where it lay over her said,
“It’s gonna be ok.”
“IS IT?” Cassian pressed his fingers hard over his eyes. “I appreciatethe support but Jyn, she’s engaged. Three years apparently wasn’t even enough time to want to marry me,but four months and she’s more than happy to say yes to some other bastard? Whothe hell even IS that guy?”
“Cassian, we’ve established that Danielle is a flighty bitch who can’tdecide what she wants and you’re better off without her,” Jyn sighed. “Do Ireally have to beat it into your head again?”
“Probably.”
She leaned over and whacked him affectionately. Thing was, the nightDanielle had called off the wedding was still a very vivid memory, even allthese months later. Literally two weeks before the day, and he had turned upoutside her door out of the blue at one am. He had only been living in his newapartment with his fiancée for three weeks at that point and her first reactionhad been to think welp, SOMEONE’Sdead. Instead, he’d looked at her with an expression that she couldn’t readand had told her simply,
“Danielle left me.”
“… fuck,” she’d said in reply.
And she really hadn’t known what else to say, because what the hell elseCOULD you say? Cassian had been so dedicated, so ready to be married, so deeplyin love that the idea that Danielle had just casually told him one night, “Hey,so I don’t really think I’m ready for marriage, sorry this didn’t work out,”seemed unfathomable.
Jyn had held out her arms and Cassian had immediately walked into them.
“Can I move back in with you?” he had sobbed into her neck.
“Of course,” she’d said back.
“ANYWAY,” she said now. “I might make more jokes and hit you some more,but I’m honestly sorry, Cassian. This sucks.”
“Yeah,” he muttered through his hands.
“You can cry, I won’t judge,” she smirked.
“Fuck you,” Cassian was already attempting to smoother the tears that wereleaking through and she damn well knew it. “Honestly, this is just mostlyembarrassing. Everyone knows that we were engaged only four months ago, and sheapparently wasn’t ready for marriage then but she’s suddenly ready NOW? WHY,JYN? FUCKING WHY.”
“Hey, only a handful of people know that’s why she left,” Jyn pointedout. “If anything, everyone will be judging her for getting engaged again soquickly! That help at all?”
“A little. But I haven’t even told you the worst part yet.”
“Christ on a bike, there’s a worse part?”
“Brace yourself,” Cassian took a moment to apparently pull up somethingon his phone. In the next, he was handing her the device apparently showing atext conversation between himself and someone with the name ‘DO NOTENGAGE’.
Hey, Cassian idk if you’ve seen, butI’m getting married!! I’dlove for you to be there, of course it’s a little whirlwind hahaso we haven’t had time to send out official invites but it’s onsat 5th Aug in southlake tahoe. PLS come, I’d love to see youagain!!!! Xxxalso feel totally free to bring a plus 1 ;)
Jyn was honestly kind of in awe.
“Say the word,” she declared, staring at the offending message. “I swearto god, just say the word and I will fucking END her.”
“I’m not quite at that point, but I’ll let you know if I change mymind.”
“You’re not going. I cannot BELIEVE she had the guts to inviteyou!”
“About that…” Cassian cringed.
Oh, motherfucking shitballs.
“You already said you’d go, didn’t you?”
“Well, if I don’t go I look petty and clearly not over her!” Cassianhastily defended himself, snatching his phone back off her before she couldread his no doubt ‘omg I’d love to!!’ messages (not to mention promptly hurlinga fist into his head as well). “So I said yes out of spite, only now I thinkI’ve backed myself into a corner. I can’t go, but I can’t not go either.”
“Christ on a bike, Cassian."
"I know."
“Well, if you think you’re going alone, you got another thing coming,”Jyn pointed out, grabbing the wine. Blimey, even she needed it now. “You’reshowing this bitch one way or another that she doesn’t have a hold on youanymore.”
“I appreciate your furiousness on my behalf,” Cassian said. “but believeme when I say I am in absolutely no headspace right now to go out and find adate.”
“Oh, don’t worry, I get you,” Jyn said. “Good thing this isn’t just awedding anymore, this is a fucking war. You can’t just take anyone, you need to take someone that is going tomake a statement. Someone that people will talk about for MONTHS after. Youneed to take the one person in the entire world that would piss her off themost.”
“So… you?”
She started a little.
She hadn’t actually been thinking of herself, but now that he mentionedit, it was suddenly the perfect plan. Danielle had quite famously never exactlytrusted the over-half-a-decade of friendship between her and Cassian, despiteJyn having attempted to date several other people over the last three years andCassian being the most devoted boyfriend she thought she’d ever seen. Herand Danielle had always played nice of course and there had even beenmoments when Jyn had managed to bring herself to maybe kind of like her, butthere had always been an undertone to their every interaction that just made itclear that at the end of the day, Danielle Livesay hated Jyn Erso’s guts andprobably always would.
There was no one else Cassian could possibly take that would annoy hermore.
“Yes, me,” Jyn said. “I’m serious, you take me as your date and Daniellewill flip her fucking LID, it will be perfect!”
“I couldn’t ask you to do that–”
“Good thing you’re not asking then,” Jyn declared. “I’m insisting andit’s decided. You got yourself a fake girlfriend! For the record, I’ll cuddleyou and give you a few kisses if she’s looking in our direction, but no tonguestuff ok?”
Cassian just shook his head, trying not to laugh.
“You’re the fucking best, Jyn.”
“Of course I am. Now drink more wine, this is gonna be a longnight.”
Of course the wedding was in fucking Lake Tahoe.
Last minute AND destination, Danielle was basically guaranteeing thatthe only people who would come were either only interested in a weekend away orwere the only ones who had no plans. Cassian’s jaw had been clenched basicallyever since they had left their apartment Friday afternoon, but steadily gotworse the closer they got to stepping inside the hotel for the ceremony.
“What do I say to her, whatdo I say–” he hissed frantically under his breath as they approached the nodoubt bloody expensive hotel. She insisted that he chill the fuck out, onlythat resulted in him shutting up and staying deathly silent instead.
"God, you’re not making this easy, mate,” she pointed out.“I think I liked it better when you were talking, I could at least tell ifyou were still alive or not.”
He just let out a strangled squeak.
“Hey,” she said,reaching out and gripping his hand tightly, their fingers interwoven together.She brought them to her chest, holding him there and making him look at her.“Cassian, I get that this hurts but don’t make it about that. You can hurttomorrow, make tonight about revenge. Hold onto that feeling instead. We’llmake out in front of her a little, and then go and get smashed at the bar.Deal?”
He nodded faintly.
They were purposefully a little late to the ceremony, just to furtherprove the point that they didn’t actually give a fuck. They were quicklyushered in amidst some irritated looks from Danielle’s family. Jyn did noticethat only one of Danielle’s three sisters had apparently bothered to show up,and yet it seemed that nearly everyone from her office had taken the trip justto take advantage of the open bar later. They took up an entire row, lookingbored and passing a hip flask subtly between them.
Danielle naturally looked fucking stunning in her dress, and Jyn wassuddenly very glad that Cassian had insisted on tradition and not seeing itbefore their own wedding because turns out she was literally wearingthe exact same dress. Out of all the things to piss her off, Jyn had honestlythought it would be something more extreme, but nope. Apparently, a dress didit! That fucking dress, the one that had to be altered three times,that Jyn had helped her pick out, had reassured over manycomplimentary glasses of champagne that she looked beautiful in and thatCassian would love it, only to just turn around and use it to marry someoneelse instead… fuck her. Her husband-to-be looked kind of in shock, honestly, like hedidn’t quite know what he was doing up there in front of all these people.
Really, she knew the feeling.
Luckily, their strategic lateness meant that they had missed half theceremony, so they didn’t have to sit through too much of the gushing ‘I loveyou’s. They only caught the tail end of it, Danielle tearing up as she spokeher vows.
“Oh my god, I’m going to ruin my make-up,” she said, gaining some politelaughs. “Oh, Derek. Honestly, I don’t even know how to finish this. I thought Iknew what love was before we met, but turns out I had no idea. I am so, solucky that I found you and get to spend the rest of my life with you. I loveyou.”
Jyn glanced over at Cassian briefly as the vows wrapped up.
She had never seen the man go white before, but he was white as a sheetnow.
“I’m so glad that’s over,” he ended up grumbling through champagne onlya little while later. Thankfully, the reception was in full swing and honestly,it was almost worth all the emotional pain this weekend was so far causing justfor the sheer elaborance of it all. The dinner had been fucking amazing, and the vinyl windows had all beenrolled up to expose the ballroom to the open air and natural lakeside view.Lanterns criss-crossed the ceiling and with a DJ pounding out cheesy pop dancesongs, it was easy to get lost in a sea of alcohol and forget the whole‘getting married four months after getting dumped’ thing.
“I’m still pissed that she hasn’t even come over to talk to you yet,”Jyn pointed out. “What kind of fucking host doesn’t even talk to all theirguests? It should be easy, there’s only about thirty of them who even botheredto come!”
“Honestly, I’m fine with it.”
“Honestly, I’m not,” Jyn said. “I wanna show that bitch a piece of mymind.”
“God stop talking, stoptalking, I think she’s watching us,” Cassian suddenly panicked, spluttering onhis drink as he hastily turned around. “You’re jinxing it!”
“She’s looking?”
“From the high table, I accidentally caught her eye!”
“Perfect,” Jyn reached out and wrapped her arms around Cassian’s waist.He didn’t raise an eyebrow, however, until she started running her hands up anddown his back, clearly something she didn’t usually do when hugging him andalso obviously in Danielle’s line of sight.
“Jyn…” he sighed.
“Come on! Is this not why you brought me?”
“I’m starting to re-think the idea, to be honest, she’s going to knowit’s not real, that I’m just a hopeless loser who brought his roommate as adate to his ex’s wedding–”
“Shut up, that’s just her getting into your head,” Jyn insisted. “Workwith me, here.”
Cassian sighed… before leaning forward and pressing his nose into herneck. “That’s it,” she grinned. It wasn’t quite the statement she was goingfor, but it would work for now at least. From this angle, it would look like hewas kissing her exposed neck and shoulder, and she purposefully turned ever soslightly so that her face could be seen from the high table.
Sure enough.
“Oh my god, she’s coming over.”
“Shit–” Cassian nearlyspilled champagne down her back.
“Don’t stop kissing me!”
“I’m not kissing you, remember–”
“Well, maybe you should be, because we got about twenty seconds beforeshe’s here–”
He cut her off with a sudden kiss that was just on the side ofdesperate, but she didn’t care. Honestly, she’d had worse kisses before andwith worse people. She didn’t even have long to make a spectacle of it sincebarely a second later Danielle was upon them, calling out and forcing themapart.
“Cassian! Jyn! Shit, guys, thank you so much for coming!”
“Oh, Dani,” Jyn said, cheerfully. “It’s no problem.”
“The journey wasn’t too bad?”
“Nah, we road tripped it,” Jyn carried on talking, seeing as it seemedthat Cassian had been deemed temporarily speechless. As well as she knew herbest friend… really, she didn’t know at all what he was currently thinking.Hell, she wasn’t even sure if he was even out of love with Danielle yet. Like,properly and everything. He was clearly not over her, as anyone rightfullywould be, but the man had been in love with her for three goddamn years. Thatwasn’t something you could just turn off overnight.
(Jyn knew. She had tried once.)
So she kept an arm slung around Cassian’s waist and chatted away aboutmostly meaningless things for a while until he could get his bearings (and histongue) back. Eventually, he managed to cut in over the conversation with arather strained and out of the blue,
“You – great! The ceremony was great!”
Danielle blinked a little, but otherwise carried on like normal. “Thanksso much,” she smiled daintily. “Hey, honestly it’s just good to see you guysagain! It’s been too long and apparently,” Jyn noticed her gaze harden just slightly around the edges. “I’vemissed a lot.”
“I s’pose there is a lot to catch up on,” Jyn noted. “Bodhi says hi, bythe way, and Kay says you can go something anatomically impossible.”
“Oh, Kay. He never gets old,” Danielle blatantly lied. “Not that I don’tLOVE your friends, but I was actually talking about you two! Like holy fuck,when did it become a thing? It’s so exciting!”
Her tone made it clear that it was not something to be excited about atall, but Jyn feigned the same enthusiasm anyway.
“Oh, it’s pretty recent,” she glanced at Cassian for help confirmingtheir made up story. They had spent their eight hour car journey here creatingit and honestly, it she had thought it worthy of an Oscar or two at one pointbefore they’d forced themselves to tone it down a bit.
“Hold up, hold up,” she had said somewhere around Yosemite NationalPark. “The key to a good lie is simplicity. The more dramatic, the more detailsyou have to remember, the less believable it becomes. You’re a decent bloke,but not even Danielle is going to buy that you surprised me with a weekend awayto Paris.”
“But I was going to photoshop us some photos and everything,” Cassianhad mock-complained.
“Maybe we save that story for when Danielle ultimately invites us to herthird baby shower,” Jyn rolled her eyes. “Let’s just go with the ‘we hooked upwhile watching a movie one night’ story.”
“But that one’s boring.”
“Are you kidding? It’s not boring at all,” she had insisted. “If anything,it’s the most romantic shit I’ve ever heard! I mean it’s two best friends andflatmates who have known each other for years taking a chance one night andhaving it pay off, like this is fucking romcom gold.”
“Ok, fine,” Cassian hadrelented.
She might have also thought of pitching the entire thing to Hollywood,but that wasn’t the point to be focusing on here. Danielle was still standingin front of her, impatiently waiting to hear some epic-worthy tale that couldpotentially rival her own and considering the expression that was currently onCassian’s face, Jyn knew that she was gonna have to be the one to tellit. She could practically see the man internally spiralling.
“So it just happened then, huh?” Danielle said through a strained smile.
“Yeah, one night we were watching a movie together,” Jyn quickly threwback. “Just something dumb, but it got us thinking and it was like… I don’tknow. A switch getting flicked somewhere. Next thing we knew, we were athing and we basically never looked back.”
She glanced up at Cassian. She was a little thrown to realise that hewas no longer staring at Danielle in utter distress, but now watching her. Shewasn’t ridiculous enough to insist that the story wasn’t a nice one to thinkabout – was there really anything more ideal than falling for someone youalready knew so well? Someone that you didn’t have to worry about annoying ormaking a good impression with, because they had already seen you at your 4amworst and didn’t care? – but imagining pretend scenarios wasn’t exactly goingto get you far in life. How bad would it be if she let herself indulge for aweekend? No matter how unhealthy it probably was, she wanted to pretend atleast for a little while that she had her life sorted.
(A part of her hoped that Cassian might be willing to pretend a bitlonger too).
“You know, I knew it,” Danielle hastily cut in. “I don’t know how, but Ialways knew it was you two! OMG, you’re like a movie or something!”
“You know, we had that exact same conversation on our way here,” Jynsaid, pulling back to give Cassian a pointed look.
“Well then,” Danielle’s smile was definitely edging into painfulterritory now, but that was what Jyn was hoping for. “I guess I’ll, erm–”
Jyn didn’t let her answer. She reached up and threaded a hand intoCassian’s hair, ignoring Danielle completely as she hauled him into her body.Danielle’s words died off immediately as Jyn kissed him with edge, with armswrapping around his neck and with that kind of energy that suggested that theywere only minutes away from pushing each other up against the gifts table.Honestly, she forgot the wedding, the people and the ex-girlfriend for amoment. All she knew was the inside of Cassian’s mouth and the things itwas doing to her.
Danielle hovered awkwardly for the entire five minutes it took her tofinally realise that they weren’t surfacing anytime soon.
“Well, see you guys around then!” she eventually trilled.
“–oh fucking lord,” Cassian gasped, pulling away once she was out of theirline of sight. “Oh fucking LORD, we just did that. She just did that. Am Idead?”
“Not yet.”
“I thought you said no tongue?”
“I don’t bloody know, ok?” Jyn said exasperatedly. “By the time Irealised, I had already committed. Kill me all right?”
“Nah, nah, I mean,” Cassian coughed, avoiding her eye. “the tongue wasgood.”
Honestly, a part of her wanted to simply laugh back the tongue was good? but something shot through her at his words. Maybe it was theawkward way he said them, maybe it was the fact that she could still feel himagainst her mouth, but either way something choked her throat and settled inher chest. When she looked up at him she felt her face growing hot.
Blimey.
“Jesus Christ, this was an insane idea,” he added, hastily.
“Well, we can’t go back now,” Jyn said, shaking her head. “C’mon, mate.Let’s go dance.”
(An hour later, she was still ignoring whatever it was that was in herchest).
Neither of them claimed to be good dancers, but the open bar surehelped. “Honestly, the drunker we get the better,” Jyn had added at one point,seeing as every good wedding had to be ruined by at least someone who got toodrunk to function and eventually rounded off the night with throwing up into anewly gifted vase. Traditionally, the more she and Cassian drank, the more theyembarrassed themselves and the equation only got higher when you added the twoof them together.
It was the perfect combination, really.
“CAN YOU PLAY WEIRD AL’S AMISH PARADISE?” she had screamed at the DJ atone point. “THAT’S THE SONG WE FIRST HAD SEX TO!”
“IT WAS?” Cassian had yelled back.
“JUST GO WITH IT, BABE.”
And so the last hour had resulted in many, many dances to increasinglywedding-inappropriate songs that had the guests roaring with laughter andDanielle no doubt fuming at. Jyn’s memory admittedly got a little fuzzy aroundthe fifth (or maybe sixth?) champagne, but she certainly did remember wrappingherself around Cassian and sloppily making out on the dance floor to the sultrytunes of Big Sean’s ‘I don’t fuck withyou’.
Somewhere between the sixth and seventh drinks, they discovered thephoto booth in the foyer, complete with little basket of novelty props. A largecanvas was mounted on the wall next to it, currently half full with photostrips of varying wedding guests wearing miniature hats and sunglasses. ‘Please help us make our night memorable!’ a small note read above it and Cassian had gotten the idea thistime.
“I’m going to hell for this… but Jyn, would you please make out with mein the photo booth?”
“It’d be my fucking pleasure,” she had declared.
She was still laughing about it afterwards. Their photos they hadpurposefully posted right in the middle of the canvas, complete with thescrawled message of ‘thnx 4 inviting us!’. She had lost Cassian however during a trip to the bathroom, and shetried to not make it too obvious that she was staggering back into the hall,clinging onto the nearest table to stay upright. He wasn’t waiting where shehad left him, and couldn’t see him anywhere near the dance floor. For a moment,she panicked that he had somehow tracked Danielle down somewhere and was busybegging for her back, but no, Danielle was accounted for, currently making therounds and chatting to all of her guests. She caught her eye and Jyn mock wavedwith a grin, only to turn it into a curse when the woman apparently took it asher cue to come over.
“Fucking Jesus, Dani, I’m not drunk enough for this–” she whined.
Danielle stomped to a halt in front of her. The charade was gone. Allpleasantries left at the door. This was the bitch underneath the smiles and shewas apparently not humouring her anymore.
“What is your problem?” she snapped. “Why are you intent on ruining mywedding?”
“Hey, you fuckin’ invited me.”
“I invited Cassian,” she reiterated. “If I’d known he’d be bringing you, I wouldn’t havebothered.”
“Why did you bother, though?” Jyn tried very hard to keep track of theconversation. It was difficult when one could barely stand upright. “I mean,you broke his fucking heart, wasn’t that enough? Did you really have to stompall over it, too? Who the fuck even does that?”
“Oh, like you have literally ANY idea–”
“I see you didn’t answer the question–”
“I never meant to hurt him,” she suddenly bit out. “It wasn’t as if I wanted��to cancel my own wedding twoweeks before! No one wants to fucking do that, but I was getting married forall the wrong reasons. Sure, it might’ve helped if I figured out howimmature and insecure I was being a bit earlier, but sorry that I’m a dumbass bitch whotook my sweet time, ok?”
Jyn just stared at Danielle. It really wasn’t the story she had beenexpecting, but maybe it should have been. At the end of the day, Daniellewasn’t a bad person. She was certainly an annoying person, a self-centred andmanipulative person, but never bad. There was a woman in there that Cassian Andor had managed to fall inlove with after all, one that she had reluctantly called a friend. She wasstill in there.
That was good enough for her.
“Ok,” she said, simply.
Danielle nodded before taking the champagne glass out of Jyn’s hands anddraining it herself. “I am happy for you guys, by the way,” she insisted.
“You don’t have to–”
“Nah, it’s fine,” she gave a strained smile. “Honestly, maybe anotherreason I left breaking it off so late is because a part of me was secretlyhoping he would do it first.”
“Why in the hell would he have done that?”
“Because of you,” Danielle shrugged.
She found him outside.
Sat on the steps that led from the ballroom out onto the rolling lawnsof the hotel grounds, his back was only a silhouette but she knew it was him.She clung to the handrail until she could throw herself down beside him,nudging his shoulder lightly. “Hey,” she said. “you disappeared.”
He drew in a shaky, rattling breath, and it was only then she realisedthat he had been crying.
“Oh, fuck,” she said at once.
“I’m fine, Jyn.”
“No you’re not, you’re – oh,god –” She was ill-equipped to deal with emotions on her best of days! Whenshe was drunk, she may as well pat him on the head and say ‘there, there’ forall the good she could do. But still, this was Cassian so she had to try. Shewrapped both her arms around his, hugging it to her body and resting her headagainst his shoulder. Cassian sniffed loudly, rubbing a sleeve across his face,but thankfully not shoving her off. She stayed quiet until eventually, hecalmed down.
“This was supposed to be mine.”
She stayed staring off into the grounds, squeezing his arm tighter.
“All of this, Jyn. The wife, the wedding, the lifetime spent togetherforever, this was supposed to be mine. Where the hell did it all go wrong?”
“It’s not your fault,” Jyn murmured.
“Isn’t it? How did I not realise?” he said. “Honestly, there must havebeen warning signs, things that I ignored or something, because no one just dumps you twoweeks before your wedding out of the blue like that.”
“I just spoke to her,” Jyn mentioned. “Well, I say I spoke to her,it was more like she cornered me… but she said some things. Do you want me totell you?”
He shifted a little and she knew he was glancing down at her. “Yes.”
“Are you sure?”
“Jyn, I need to know why she did this.”
She took a deep breath. “She said she realised she was getting marriedfor the wrong reasons. She did love you, but she mentioned the words immatureand insecure, so I’m guessing she only said yes to getting married because itwas the way to hold onto you… maybe she didn’t quite grasp the finality of itall until it hit her…”
Cassian sighed.
“She also mentioned me.”
FUCK.
She hadn’t meant to say that part. Hell, she still didn’t really knowhow to process that particular statement herself, that part was supposed to beburied and ignored for the rest of their given lives! Christ in heaven, youcouldn’t even give drunk her one job! She had no idea what to say to try anddefuse the situation (or even if anything COULD be said) and so she ended upstaying silent, her grip on his arm loosening a little.
When she tried to pull away, he grabbed her hand in the dark and pulledher back, holding it tight.
“Ah, well,” he was apparently going to laugh it off. “We always knew shedidn’t like you.”
“Dunno why,” Jyn said. “I’m a splendid bitch.”
“Look, please don’t think I blame you–”
“Nah, nah, shut up,” Jyn quickly waved past it. “Either way, are you oknow?”
“I’m far from ok,” Cassian mentioned. “but at least I think I’ll be ableto get over it. Someday.”
“Good. Now let’s go bail early to piss her off one last time.”
“Sounds perfect.” Cassian was the first to move, heaving himself up onthe handrail before turning back to her and offering out a hand. Jyn stillwasn’t quite sure what exactly had gone down between them thisevening. More than a nothing, but less than a something… it waslike the idea of the two of them had simply been dangled teasingly infront of her nose and for the first time in her life, she was actually thinkingabout what it would be like to grab it. Jyn felt that undercurrent thatDanielle had always been so afraid of, the one that was currently thrummingbetween them, and the thoughts simultaneously terrified her and thrilled her…
(But they’d be fine. Tomorrow was a new day, and they would wakeup and this would all be fine).
She took his hand.
“Thanks for doing this with me, by the way,” Cassian mentioned in thecar on the way home.
“What, ruining your ex’s wedding for you?”
“Yeah, that,” he snorted. “We never mention the amount of kissing we’vedone to either Bodhi or Kay, by the way.”
“Oh, you can count on it,” Jyn said.
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