#if i was i think i would have a job by now i mean im 28 and its been 5 schools in 5 years
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Yuma Month Day 26 - Role Swap
god i was excited for this one. it first started off as a joke, but the more i thought about it, the more interesting this swap became. so here's my massive lore dump of changes that'd happen in the story beneath the cut (spoiler warning):
i think, fundamentally, yuma and yakou are very similar characters. they're both very protective and kindhearted, with a strong sense of justice and a penchant for attracting terrible luck. because of this, some things would remain the same, such as the NDA's dynamics with their doormat chief as well amnesia!yakou's massive unpaid intern energy. i think yakou would be pretty similar to how he behaved in the light novel- a bit more optimistic and naive, like yuma. but there are two key differences between them that'd make this a different story, especially in ch 4: yuma has a forte, and yakou is very selfish. so here's some changes:
yakou's wife is his shinigami now, as you can see, while shinigami is yuma's dead wife. i think mrs furio would act cooler than shinigami. she'd still be playful, but she takes her job more seriously. also she hands yakou the solution keys normally without throwing up. they still have to do the dance and mouth sword thing tho. and the other stuff. that's just death god protocol
shinigami (or in this case the unnamed Mrs. Kokohead but i will still be calling her shinigami for convenience sake) was a scientist at amaterasu who studied forensics and thanatology instead of regenerative medicine. this also means that the pill she gives zombie yuma is not going to bring him back, but instead grant the zombie homunculi a peaceful, painless, but permanent death
speaking of zombie yuma, he's the homunculus now! yakou is 100% human and also doesnt have a forte. he's still number one, but instead of having a forte he's just that good at solving mysteries
yes this means makoto looks like yakou now. sorry makotoheads. i think he'd have really long, shaggy hair dyed to be like. idk. black or something. also he's more clean shaven bc stubble with a mask on is a sensory nightmare
yuma still cant cook. he subsists entirely on takeout, meat buns, black coffee, and beer. he's still in a lot of debt and under a lot of stress and his personality is essentially "what if canon number one just gave up"
he doesn't smoke though. he tried once and got into the worst coughing fit
imma say it right now. kurumi is not a love interest. yakou likely disguises himself as a faculty member instead (also i think one of the teachers gets a crush on fem yakou bc i just know she'd be hot)
ANYWAY what about chapter 4? im SO glad you asked! because here's where things get spicy!
so, lets start with the dead wife. shinigami catches onto huesca's inhumane research and she's just as adamant about bringing the truth to light as she always is. she blows the whistle, so he blows her up. yuma investigates, but they dont let him look any further, yada yada, yuma stews in his misery for five years
yomi sends in the evidence to motivate yuma to kill huesca, and makoto lets it happen because a dead huesca would be convenient. he even introduces the hitman, fully expecting yuma to make use of him
yuma doesnt. in fact, he wants to kill huesca with his own hands. and now that these detectives are here, he can do it and even return alive. the thing is, he doesn't want to put them in danger, so he chooses to do almost everything alone (sound familiar?)
his plan is simple:
ask desuhiko for a peacekeeper uniform. desuhiko trusts him enough to take "i want to investigate kanai ward's ultimate secret by infiltrating their ranks" as an answer. he does, however, let yakou know about this as an offhand comment before the mystery ever begins
hold fubuki's hand. it doesnt really matter how. she'll gladly allow it because she's fubuki. he stores her time powers and heads out the sub. yakou also learns this as an offhand comment played off as a joke (maybe fubuki affectionately comments about how she never expected the chief's hands to be so soft... idk. there has to be some way for yakou to have this as a future clue)
use his peacekeeper status to sneak into amaterasu HQ and demand a functioning ama-pal from that one creepy researcher
use ama-pal + fubuki's borrowed powers to bypass huesca's security. sneak the bot past the hard-of-hearing doctor and press the button to shut off security
this would probably alert huesca, but since the doctor never received a warning, yuma has enough time to rush in and stab him before he realizes what's going on
leave HQ while still in uniform, dispose of the disguise once he's safe, and return to the NDA like nothing happened. success!
soooo.... yakou, on that same day, decides to investigate amaterasu HQ with makoto
all the while, vivia has his suspicions about yuma's actions and keeps an eye on him in spectral mode. he... basically witnessed the whole thing, so he gets up off his ass and decides to follow yakou to the lab because he has a Very Bad Feeling about this
just like canon, he senses the death god and deduces that our protag has been killing off murderers, and so he wants to protect his chief as well as his peace and quiet (his dynamic with yuma would be the same as his dynamic with yakou, since it's entirely believable for yuma to treat vivia with the same kindness yakou did)
yakou tries to speak to huesca, but surprise! security is disabled and he's dead in the lab! no one else at amaterasu liked huesca enough to check on him, so yakou and makoto are the first ones at the scene of the crime. yakou, of course, decides to start investigating this murder
vivia somehow sneaks into the lab (dont ask me how) and confronts yakou, threatening him with his boxcutter and adamantly imploring him to stop pursuing this particular mystery in the same way he did yuma in canon. unfortunately, this attracts attention, and now they're in trouble (maybe even yomi's there to fetch his files). at this point, yakou has enough solution keys, so he panics and goes right into the labyrinth (and maybe others can enter for another reason that isnt coalescence idk)
so... they go in the labyrinth... vivia tries to stop him every step of the way, until the answer is right in front of them
yakou kills yuma with his own hands. there's no stab wounds or toxic gas to leave any doubt. yakou begins to question what good his justice really does. it doesnt even save them from their predicament, just like the other deaths. instead, makoto ex machina comes in to save them, and hands yakou a small black box
when they return to the agency, everyone is heartbroken over their chief, who seemingly died out of nowhere. fubuki tried rewinding time, but to no avail. halara tried everything to wake him up, knowing it's futile. desuhiko stood aside, feeling completely helpless. and yakou and vivia return looking like they just came back from hell
they barely get the chance for a funeral before the knockout gas trap activates... you know the rest
AAAAND SCENE! so that's my extremely long winded lore dump about this au. i thought about it Way Too Much but god it's so interesting to me. i love these characters and swapping them was immensely fun
#rain code#mdarc#raincode#master detectives archives: rain code#yuma kokohead#yakou furio#desuhiko thunderbolt#shinigami#yumagami#kokogami#yakou's wife#rain code spoilers#mdarc spoilers#raincode spoilers
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okay so i understand that daleks are one of the main brand icons of doctor who, and that they represent a certain breed of fascist thought that can never be fully stamped out, but. :/
i think im ready for the daleks to die.
daleks have been central to doctor who from the very beginning (the second ever episode, the daleks, and season 2’s the dalek invasion of earth), embodying fear, hate, imperialism, and the darker sides of our own nature - but it seems that, for a while now, their continued existence has been maintained solely by the doctor’s mercy and/or ineptitude ??? which sucks as a theme imo
a great example is remembrance of the daleks, a seventh doctor story from 1988 - yes, the one where the doctor blows up skaro. or, davros fires a device the doctor boobytrapped at skaro’s sun, which goes supernova and destroys every dalek in that region of space. it’s pretty baller. anyway! davros and a few daleks hop in an escape pod and fuck off, and the doctor just lets them. k.
(skaro’s destruction was later ‘corrected’ by widely-detested EDA author john peel in war of the daleks, which is unhyperbolically the worst book i’ve ever read, and thus disregarded! but this heretical text explains that the planet was a decoy named antalin. it’s awful yeah. i tried to warn you)
exhibit b: evolution of the daleks (2007). ten confronts dalek caan, the sole survivor of the cult of skaro, at the top of the empire state building. the daleks have just created and annihilated a slave race of pig people, and it’s horrible to watch. you get the feeling that they’ve done this millions of times all across the universe, because they canonically have. they are inherently imperialist, racist, and genocidal. the doctor knows this.
and the doctor’s response is basically “killing you would mean that I commit genocide, so let’s just hang out and have a conversation.”
dalek caan gets away.
and you’ll never guess where he goes. that’s right! he hops the time lock and grabs davros, who escaped in remembrance of the daleks!!! and they make a bunch of new dalek babies together, out of davros’ gross old flesh. it’s a tentacle fest.
so he was right. killing dalek caan would’ve been a genocide- but because he didn’t, now there are ten thousand genocides. a clear improvement!
exhibit d: victory of the daleks (2010).
after a couple of false starts, the daleks manage to make more daleks after tricking the doctor into confirming their species to open their own device (??? okay sure)- but then they trick him again with a robot scientist bomb that he failed to detect even after talking to the guy, and it’s just like…. fool the doctor once, shame on you, fool them twice? damn, you must be on the merch.
exhibit e: the witch’s familiar (2015).
the iconic ‘only other chair on skaro’ scene where twelve and davros chat on the rebuilt dalek home world - super fun, so fun i forgot how the doctor folded like a house of cards. davros, the genocidal maniac, wants to live another day to see a pretty sunrise, so the doctor *checks notes* gives him some artron energy? that can’t be right, wh- oh- oh, but it’s fine because it affects all daleks, and through some contrived science magic, they all ‘learn the concept of mercy.’ on accident.
and it changed nothing. later stories retcon this. i’m too tired to even think about resolution, revolution, or eve of the daleks right now, but those episodes only further cemented my malaise regarding the doctor’s apparent complacency.
again and again, the daleks depend on the doctor’s mercy, and they get it, and they WIN- and it feels like the moral is that they should be eliminated like an unthinking, unfeeling virus, but the doctor is just too compassionate or inept for the job. certainly not the first doctor to lose to a virus, but perhaps the first to do so willingly.
beyond a loss in revenue, i can’t imagine why the doctor couldn’t destroy the daleks, or why they wouldn’t want to - there was a point when, allegedly, “the time lord’s continuity could not survive without the daleks” (“neverland” audio), but i think the weight and relevance of that harry potter type threat has long since passed.
so… it might be time to put the daleks away, for now. sure, they can come back as a concession to the persistence of fascist ideology, but watching the doctor lose or win to fascism for seemingly arbitrary (always sentimental) reasons isn’t really satisfying. the show addresses that daleks cause untold suffering, but again and again the only obstacle to no suffering is the doctor, who can’t get their shit together! it’s killing me.
#some actual blog material for you on this fine morning#i’m not replying to anyone who doesn’t read the entire thing! after you read please feel free to disagree#an example of a satisfying conclusion would be the doctor forming an interplanetary coalition#or persuading a pre-existing one to unite and defeat the daleks#it would be brutal and difficult but i would love for good people to unite and actually SUCCEED#doctor who#classic who#seventh doctor#tenth doctor#eleventh doctor#twelfth doctor#davros#daleks
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I bet there's a not insignificant portion of people who don't think Mahiru is doing that on accident
🪩kaitov3official follow
kjbdkjabKJSBDKJASDB ok. ok. so, mamahiru got his first ever talk show debut which is great. but it's also one of those japanese variety shows hosted by a comedy duo which really shows how much people are taking him seriously right now, which is not great.
but back to the thing that made me laugh. the hosts were trying really REALLY hard to make mamahiru the butt of the jokes. he brought up about how vampires are the best people for dealing with other vampires and the host was like "but wouldn't they just help their friend escape??" and mamahiru was like "you and [insert rival comedian name] are both comedians but you're not friends."
the Funny Guy laughs it off and says "well, i mean, i'm just saying vampires catching other vampires... it wouldn't be weird if they end up covering each other's asses."
and my beloved tumblr mutuals you will not believe what happened next.
mamahiru in his full glorious kindergarten teacher voice asks "we have cops in charge of catching criminals. are the criminals they're catching humans or vampires?"
funny guy once again fumbles "well, yes, they're humans but"
and mamahiru claps. CLAPS. tells funny guy he did a good job remembering!!! im going insane!!!
🎚️lichtansbootlicker follow
im losing my shit theres no way that wasnt on purpose
🪩kaitov3official follow
BUT IT WASN'T!!! mamahiru got REALLY embarrassed afterward he apologized
#hi sorry for spamming about this like threeposts in a row #i think we can fix the tories if we treat them like toddlers on live tv too
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🪩kaitov3official follow
beloved mutuals you would not believe what just happened during this week's nichiyo toron
for context it's a sunday morning talk show discussing Serious Issues in japan
guess who got invited as a speaker. guess what happened for the fourth time this week
read more
☠️alwaysunnyinthedas follow
jesus christ hes killing them
📯napoleonbonapartescockandballtorture
not sure if this is still relevant or even remembered by today's internet but you know that thing in evil overlord list that's like "one of my advisors is going to be an average toddler and if they can see any flaw in my plan then i'll correct it first" or something
this is what's happening in japan right now
#they should stop inviting him to live shows #EVISCERATED
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these are just some thoughts after seeing ur post on the hockey thigh thing btw, and i hope you hear me out. you being a lesbian (im bi and i have a gf currently), which is something you emphasise a lot, and not being attracted to these dudes doesnt make this whole parasocial archive any less weird or creepy. i'm not here to shit on or invalidate your passion, because obv its something you care about deeply from how much your scour the web for all these old things, even of their mother when she was young. and genuinely, thats pretty cool, i work in archival and i have a lot of respect for that with the effort you've put into it.
but i think you are encouraging others to imitate this blog and culture, when it comes to other players who aren't as in the media as the hughes family. like i agree that its part and parcel of the job as athletes who represent a multitude of things like ur franchise ur family etc, but i feel like we just shouldn't proliferate this. i know people on twitter are unjustly harsh and oftentimes critical to the point of meanness, but i think some points they share are valid. just bc its on the internet, doesnt give us the permission to do stuff ykwim? like imagine just going up to the hughes and giving them a scrapbook of every media moment from their mothers childhood, to her college, their dad, and them as kids and now as adults. thats just straight up weird. and don't even get me on the sexualisation, i get they are adults but isn't that just basic respect?
i know having an internet community is rlly important to some, and im sure ur followers would still give you that support u need even if you dont constantly supply them with these media things, or dangle ur secret archive like a carrot over them.
hoping you have a great day
you clearly put a lot of time and thought into this, so i will give you that same level of consideration back. i think you have some misunderstandings about me, hockey fandom, and fandom culture as a whole.
first, the lesbian thing. admittedly tumblr search is very broken but according to it i’ve mentioned the word lesbian twice on here, as a disclaimer for why i might not be the best person to understand what male attracted people find hot. it's possible it's come up a few other times but it’s definitely not something i "emphasize a lot". it's somewhat ironic that you bring up you being bi and having a gf in what reads to me like a deflection on your critique that i say i'm gay too much, when you seem to think me saying i'm a lesbian is bc i'm trying to deflect on sexualizing these guys. which admittedly is the most confusing part of your entire ask. is this solely about the thigh ask? if you’re worried about "basic respect", hockey fandom is probably not the place for you. i know i don't like seeing 500 reader insert posts every time i open anyone's tag, which is why i have related terms muted and block people who don't use them. however this is very much a part of hockey fandom and i’m aware of that. on the flip side, the unfortunate reality is that hockey players are some of the nastiest misogynistic men on the planet who generally do not see women as actual human beings beyond mommies, maids, and holes. if i WAS sexualizing these men 24/7 i would feel well within my rights to do so, and could make an only slightly ironic argument for it being feminist praxis. if jack hughes can ask girls to flash him, i can have a little sexualization, as a treat.
calling me weird and creepy isn’t actually negated by following up with saying you're not trying to shit on or invalidate my passion and you respect the effort i put into it. if you think i’m weird and creepy, you’re allowed to feel that way, but actually own it if that’s what your opinion is.
you imagined this scrapbook scenario and then say that it’s weird. i agree, that hypothetical thing would be weird. good thing i’m not doing that, will never do that, and take many efforts to have a strong fourth wall and keep this blog separate from the people it's about. i am a firm believer in keeping fandom private and secluded! that's why im not tweeting all of this and tagging them.
it’s a big leap for you to assume that i do this because i "need support". not that it matters, but i do all of this because i find it fun and i’m being generous with people who do not have the time/resources/know-how to find this stuff on their own. there's nothing wrong with finding a community online, but i had one before doing all this. in fact, all of this has been really more trouble than it's worth in terms of harassment vs kindness lmao. some people on here have been lovely to me, but i’m beyond the age where i need virtual validation from strangers. you’re right about one thing, i do dangle my secret archive like a carrot, largely for petty reasons because of a few specific assholes.
you seem to think i’m the only person who does stuff like this. update/archival accounts are very common for musicians, actors, even like... tiktok influencers. were you not online when people hacked an airport security cam feed to watch one direction sit and do nothing? everything ive ever posted on here has been available to the public. i’m just good at finding stuff. even within this smaller sports fandom on tumblr, i have been inspired by OTHER BLOGS who were doing this before me and go way harder than i do. i didn’t invent the concept of collecting information and images about public figures like you seem to think i did, but thanks.
if you want to critique fandom culture as a whole, go right ahead, but i ask that you keep the sanctimonious lectures out of my inbox, especially when they're based in assumptions. any one of these things could have been questions i would be willing to chat about if you were actually curious about me and what i do. i in fact have lots of opinions that might surprise you on many of these things you mentioned. but i will have those conversations with other people, who talk to me with the respect and dignity that i deserve.
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miscellaneous kirby characters n if id trust them w my drink at the club while i go to the restroom n how well theyd protect it
king dedede:hed say hell make sure nobody touches it but hed end up drinking it himself out of an impulse, hed rush to buy me a new one but id be able to tell its new bc its full n hes acting weird, this is getting a new full free drink but i will have to say 0/10 bc my original drink was not protected
nightmare:id cover my drink if i saw him at the club.0/10.
meta knight:hed give a dramatic monologue hell protect it with his life n draw out his sword, taking a defensive stance until im back, my drink is fully safe n we both have a fun time at the club, 10/10
dark meta knight:he would leave it on the table unprotected n id break it on his head when im back n a fight would break out n wed both end up in jail, horrible time at the club 0/10
daroach:no hed steal it.0/10
magolor:i would NOT trust him w it hed put smth in himself.nothing dangerous but hed put like.fucking pepper he carries in his pocket for specifically this occasion in it.5/10 bc i mean ig technically my drink was kept safe he kept it his word its just disgusting now
taranza:in general i think hed do a great drink protecting job, hed take it n cover it w one of his hands n would observe every corner of the room looking for possible drink threats while having his four remaining hands ready to throw punches, but my concern is while im gone hell accidentally see someone from floraria in the club n have to make a run for it bc theyre still mad abt the whole monarchy coup thing n might try to kill him, hed take my drink w him n id come back to no drink, so a 6/10 due to the success chances
susie:the second i say im going to the restroom she announces shes coming too, bc were both girls n girls follow each other to the bathroom, shed hold my drink for me after following me all the way n she has a gun so id say id feel its absolutely safe w her, 10/10
francisca:froze my drink holding it.7/10 bc she did her best id just wait for it to unfreeze to honor her efforts
flamberge:evaporated my drink holding it.the cups empty n were both just sad.5/10 she did keep it safe but theres nothing there anymore
zan partizanne:ok so heres the thing.shed do a great job protecting it.shed take out her spear n get ready to strike anyone who might touch my drink.but the issue is zan is herself n she ends up impulsively attacking anyone whos stepping near her after a while n within the 4 minutes it took for me to be back she killed half the club n is in jail n id have to go pick her up (theres no legal trouble bc she killed all the cops in there too).but hey my drinks safe! 10/10
hyness:you see i dont think hyness would be untrustworthy w my drink.i think hed get confused if i were to hand it to him bc he wasnt paying attention but he wouldnt let anyone get near it to do anything.id come back to my drink the same way it was before.but the thing is i just dont trust him.its not abt the drink its abt personal bias.i just dont trust him i wouldnt want to give him a personal task representing the bond between two ppl bc i dont trust him.0/10
void termina:if its the big boy form id poke it at the leg n ask if it can keep my drink safe n itd just carefully pinch it between its fingers, i would cheerfully go on my way bc the rest of the club is gathered at the corner in fear far from the giant god of destruction, 10/10 but if its the blob form i would not bring a toddler to the club.also even if it wasnt a toddler it has no hands.0/10
fecto elfilis:if i saw elfilis at the club our eyes would meet n id ask someone to hold my drinks n then id start running towards them n punch them square in the face.n then id keep punching them while theyre down.theyd have to get the entire security team on me to get me to stop.id end up at a padded room in the mental hospital bc id start beating up security too n then start beating elfilis up again.id chew my way out of the walls n find where elfilis lives n start beating them up again.theyd never know peace again.it doesnt matter what happens i will find them n i will punch them.n id continue to until theyre finally dead.
escargoon:yeag i think hed keep an eye on it i trust him :) 10/10
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I know you mean good but fat girls can also break easily. I also don’t mean to sound rude or offend you but it’s rare for fat girls to be 6 foot, I know you might be fat and 6 foot but it’s pretty rare. I think most people stick to petite girls in cod stories because it would be scary and horrifying if they gave reader their sweater and all the sudden reader fits or barely fits in it and it only works as a crop top on them. And please try to remember just because their fat doesn’t mean they aren’t clean fat girls bathe too and do their eyebrows too they aren’t slobs. Fat girls can break when they get laid and yes I believe they also will jiggle around in the process so please try to be mindful when bringing up cod guys with a fat girl
i’m extremely confused but this might just be me not having enough sleep, what are you questioning here? i try (i’m pretty sure i haven’t either) to not mention body types, sizes, descriptions etc, i want everyone to feel like they can read a fanfic i have written because they can imagine themselves as the person, i know in one i said simon could practically engulf the reader but that is because i see simon as this big military man who’s built like a brick wall so that just how i tackle it in writing, as a person who has always struggled with my weight it’s nice to be able to read about a love interest who (not matter your size) can pick you up or put you on his lap, i don’t like writing for body types because it can discourage others and make them feel as if they aren’t good enough or have something wrong with their body when infact i think all body types and sizes are beautiful and think that no matter your size you should feel included in a fanfiction because as it says in the name, it’s fiction, something where you can imagine yourself in that position, if someone struggles to do so i understand that it wouldn’t feel good to be excluded especially when i have been victim to writing that is catered towards a specific body or feature, now if someone wanted a plus sized reader fanfic i would be more than happy to write that, my requests are open as stated and i would do everything to make sure it is up to their standards and their body description if i am given one.
I am also confused at your point of saying ‘just because they’re fat doesn’t mean they aren’t clean’ ???? this is extremely baffling and you mentioned eyebrows, once again ??? i’m seriously hoping this was meant for another post because you may not want to offend but what you have written to me i find extremely disrespectful and rude, just because you say don’t mean to offend/no offence doesn’t mean anything you don’t have the right to talk to people who go out of their way to write fanfiction for people to read when they’re bored, lonely, seeking comfort (as i have myself many times) i have a full time job that i don’t get home form till 10pm (hence the lack posts) you do not get to slander people who don’t have to write fanfiction but choose to in order to make others happy. My last point to add on is that you said ‘yes I believe they will jiggle around in the process’ this is going to sound rude but whatever, are you even a plus size person yourself? as you sound unsure as to what happens when someone is plus size and has sex? i think it’s extremely rude that you think you can make those kind of comments and come on my page and try to tell me what my body is and what i can and cannot write about.
IF YOU FEEL MY WORK IS NOT FOR YOU EITHER POLITELY PRIVATELY MESSAGE ME AND TELL ME SO I CAN EITHER FIX IT TO BE MORE INCLUSIVE OR CAN WRITE YOU YOUR OWN COMPLETELY NEW FIC!!! OTHERWISE GET OF MY PAGE AND DO NOT INTERACT WITH ME OR MY WORK!!! I DO NOT NEED TO PUT UP WITH HATE AND NEGATIVITY WHEN ALL IM TRYING TO DO IS BE CREATIVE AND MAKE PEOPLE HAPPY!!!!
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#i turn 27 tomorrow and i feel like my life is collapsing in around me#i officially made the decision to take the summer off. which i hate. which means i have to get a summer job#when ive only ever had jobs in academia so my resume looks insane if im applying to work in a bakery or whatever#im just so tired. everything makes me so tired and sad. i still dont kno what im gonna do#im glad my dad is here bc he gets it more than most ppl bc hes also dyslexic and like everyone assumes im fine bc ive got this far#but like at what cost? im doing a job where im set up to suffer. and for what? im doing something so niche and weird#all i can do is more academia. but what if i cant cut it? what if i would b better off getting a epa job or something where i can do my job#and then go home and stop thinking abt it. how do i apply the stupid bullshit i decided to study? i should have done Ecosystem restoration#or something. its just that my dream was to study weird things in weird places and now it feels like that dream is collapsing#which is devastating. im gonna try to come back in the fall and give it a go but like i dunno it feels so hopeless rn#im just so tired. i have no joy. i just want to lay on the floor#unrelated
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sometimes i fantasize abt being the one with the clingy gf instead of being the clingy gf ㅠㅠ
#like...#getting tons of texts all the time. having playlists made for me. uhh what else do the clingy gf do???#ask me abt every single detail of my day and life and personality. hmm write love letters to me. make a collage book w memories for me#read a book where on girl did that for the others and she belittled it and ridiculed her and i was like WTF?!?!?#if a gf did that to me i would DIE FOR HER!!!!! wtf that is so cute#i dont know sometimes i just think that'd be nice#to instead of being the clinger i'd have her clingy for me#well it's all just daydreams idk i was just imagining a scenario w a gf who blew up my phone when i was at work#i dont have a job but like it was all a fantasy lmaoooo. and ig the thought is nice bc irl#im the clingy one and i feel so anxious bc i mean im so fucking annoying and i talk way too much and i psuh everyone away being so awful#idk if 'she' would be clingy w me i like now i love her and can reassure her#so rlly its just all about me..... hmmm selfcest? 👀
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#personal#sometimes i wish i knew what it was like to be someone people want to talk to#or at least had students who could listen to what i say for just five minutes#god i hate yelling then they say thats all i do when if i talked normally no one fucking listens#then i take it way too hard when they say they dont like me when at least i stepped up to take their class#a class that had already ran off one teacher#but no im too useless because i actually make them do work and tried to have rules#last year was hard but at least i felt fulfilled by the end of the year with all my classes#i have never craved the end of the year so much or as much as i have this year#its not even both classes either its just this one that makes me dread working with them as much as they apparently hate me#sadly i can understand why their teacher left#and i know im not the best replacement since im learning how to teach them as they learn from me#but im just tired#its only a month left but i am so ready to never see any of them again#but depression does as it does and makes me question if im even good enough to get another job#one actually teaching my correct subject that i love#i hope like hell that i get a job and one i really want because i dont want to have to come back to this school#*it has the most substitute jobs#i dont like being loud even if no one believes me i dont like being mean though i know when i have too i just dont feel good enough#if i was i think i would have a job by now i mean im 28 and its been 5 schools in 5 years#sorry being sad on main#if you read this#thanks
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can i please request a fun fact about anything ever
#i would like that that would be nice#this is an open request not necessary a specific target (i mean there is one person who will definitely see this (hello#sorry about all of this i think i’m slightly silly hoursing and also just exploding like i dunno#i am alright i’m just also uaaaaaaaaaaaa#i hope you’re alright too i yeah i hope you are ok (this is me being paranoid#not because of you it’s a hormones thing i think cause this is just the feeling)#(man this was supposed to be a non specific post fuck ok oh well)#what was i saying anyway uhhhhh jonah is not the whale right??? i don’t think so im a fake jonah and the whale fan i’m sorry#i swear if it’s not even actually jonah like i’m not just getting confused with job and weezer my name is jonas am i#(like i say. i have no idea what i am thinking right now really i do slightly sorry that’s an exaggeration)#ok ending this ramble sorry everyone else that is not my girlfriend i don’t think she knows what i’m on about either here probably#i certainly don’t so if you can decipher this that’s very impressive#anyway anyway. fun facts !!!!#ezra’s real life rambles
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SOOOOOO hard to go through everyday life trying to ignore the never-ending feeling that im just irreparably fucked up and therefore should just give up on everything
#this aint exactly s******* but it aint exactly not s******* either#anyways it gets even harder when i have to live under the same roof as my brother who is so much better than me in every single conceivable#and imaginable way possible like#and i knowwww a LOT of it comes down to us having relatively similar yet wildly different lives despite being 1.5y apart and having the sam#family our entire lives like he has gone through NOTHING and i mean not a single societal issue ive had to face and endure my entire life#he's a man im a woman. he's white im black. he's straight im gay. he's skinny ive always been 'overweight'. he's always been the good#christian kid ive always had issues w faith and religion. he's never been mentally ill i was clinically depressed for nearly 8yrs of my lif#we both lost the same parent and im the only one who got pathological grief and a personality disorder out of it. he's had a great job for#the last 7yrs that now pays him 20k+ every month ive only had 3 odd jobs my entire life and 2 of those my MOTHER had to give me so i would#have SOMETHING and ive never made over 1.6k monthly n my last job was minimum wage only#he's had like 4 relationships and is nearly engaged im so traumatized + emotionally unavailable ive only ever been on 1 date my entire life#he has a good relationship w every family member we have i have Issues w like half the family. he's always been an active member of our#church i can barely listen to like 4 traditional hymns before i start losing my mind and spiraling. i think the only two ways we're pretty#much equal like socially is that we're both able bodied cis and christians but still the cis and christian thing is debatable for previousl#stated reasons so like. do yall see how much better he is doing than me in every little last area in life and how he's always gotten the#long straw when it comes to Not having to deal w certain obstacles in life. n i know its like yea idk what it actually is like to be him an#he could not be doing all that well first of all shut up. second of all if it was 1 or 2 things i'd get it but it's literally EVERYTHING#and i know bc of said things n our v different lives it's unfair to me to compare the two of us but then it begs the question: WHY#WHY did i have to go through these things. WHY do i have to deal w this. WHY did i get the short straw literally every goddamn time#WHY did i have to get THIS life like WHYYYYY why ME GOD. why have I had to put up w all this bullshit for 24 fucking years!!!!!!!!! im TIRE#and this is not me hating or resenting him i know it's not his fault and he is so good to me#but still. why was i left with these things? to live like this?#so yes i guess i do envy him a little bit. who wouldn't#mari.txt#personal#tw negative#dl#btw i do NOT mean some identities are better than others. i mean he is better and is doing better than me in life partially bc he's never#had to deal w certain social issues and obstacles that come w oppressed identities.
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“are the girls going to help you make pierogis?” well no one else is fucking gonna are they? no one else in this house has functional fucking hands apparently
#every Christmas i think about the time we came home from mass and my father said “finally! now we can relax.” and sat down at his computer#and played video games for the next three hours while my mother and sister and i stood six feet away from him in the kitchen making#200 pierogis.#it’s crazy considering the amount of stuff he gets done for him on a daily basis that I would never even think would be done for me by anyo#like bed made for him/all meals/all dishes/food put on his plate for him because he refuses to do it himself/pretty much all errands#whenever he wants tea he just says that want out loud and it gets brought to him by magic#i mean or anything else! he once said “did you say we were having cappuccinos today?” just to no one in particular and we all knew no one h#had said anything of the sort. and then he was given one!#of course he goes to work from 8-6ish every day but other than one day a week it’s remote and has been for years and i can hear him#he is pretty much never not on the phone gossiping with someone#and i don’t begrudge him having a not physically intensive job or anything but im just trying to think of the things he has to do#he makes my mother mow the lawn. i do it when i am home because i think that’s disgraceful.#if my mother begs hard enough he'll do the least amount of yard work possible if it’s something we can’t physically do by ourselves.#but on a daily basis it’s just go to work/eat the breakfast brought to you/eat the lunch brought to you/come downstairs eat the dinner made#for you/play video games until you go to bed in the bed that was made for you in the morning#and on non work days it’s just eat/video games/bed#and like all this to say#he complains more and has a worse attitude than anyone I have ever known in my life#whenever he encounters a minor inconvenience he's talking about how it never ends and he never gets a chance to rest for once#literally any day that’s not spent in complete and total stagnation is considered a failure#he hates when my mother and sister and i are happy like we can’t even play music and laugh in the kitchen while we cook and clean up after#meals because it distracts him from his video games and his YouTube videos about video games and the war in Ukraine#he gets mad when we laugh too much lol like dude you’re pretty lucky you have daughters who can have fun while doing the dishes#considering you haven’t done them in like 20 years#word to the ladies out there btw: my parents used to clean up after dinner together when they first got married. so watch out lmao
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had a dream I had a boyfriend and he wanted to come to a therapy session to talk abt smn unrelated to our relationship (this was 100% cool with me) but my therapist instantly hated him and she was like "justify to me why you're here 🤨🤨🤨 name something u like abt ridley and then maybe ill let u talk" like what 😭😭 it was just me being a mediator bc they were arguing. Which is insane it was like couples therapy but evil
#it was very strange.. the boyfriend was a completely made up guy also not anyone i know#also like. idr what it was but i wanted to talk abt it with my therapist and he was being encouraging and asked if him joining + keeping me#on track would be helpful and i said yes bc i thought it was/would be sweet and there was so much dread bc my therapist was MAD#i also remember we hadnt been dating for very long so i hadnt talked a lot abt him to my therapist prior but she was livid it was weird..#i also was like. well. if she hates him maybe im stupid and we shouldnt be dating and maybe i should go die in a hole also#it was so strange.... hmmm. i have more thoughts now actually but that may be deeply personal..#i will say my therapist kinda felt like my mom in the dream. i wanted her approval sooo bad. i met with my therapist today btw it was normal#like. i care what she thinks but its not as intense by any means and like. idk. i dont think im capable of having a normal therapist-patient#relationship. not bc of any therapist being bad at their job/boundaries i just get very emotionally invested in them as a person#IDK thats also complicated. maybe ill make that a different post or never talk abt it again well see.#so many thoughts in my brain but probably a bad idea to elaborate heavily. idk. maybe ill talk abt it with friends later maybe i wont 🤷♂️#.ares
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SENDING MY FIRST ASK FROM THE NEW BLOG!!!! i feel like i am sending a letter from a new address... crazy. ANYWAY HOW R U TONIGHT!!!! i hope ur havin a good day!!!! kicking my feet like a teenager at a sleepover rn tell me abt ur day who r the blorbos in ur mind rn what kinda art r u workin on lately how's it going friend!!!
HIIIIIII HI HI . HELLO SHADOW THE HEDGEHOG- i mean catboy cellbit!!! . dude i am. dreading the coming week tbh but it is fine !! we will get thru it we will survive!!! i am so sleepytired but alas i also cannot sleep so i may just have another night of reading and music ahead of me . wah. i hope u are hsving a good night <3 IVE BEEN COMPLETELY ART NERFED TOO BTW. my laptop died on me a couple days ago and while i was able to find a new one affordably it will not be here until the 13th 😔 so no digital art from me for a while. sigh. i DID just decorate my new sketchbook with stickers tho so im hoping that will get my brain in gear for traditional art again. AS FOR BLORBOS. oh . u know. the usuals. vash the stampede. zacharie from off . masky marblehornets (also tim marblehornets) . to name three of them.
#who are ur blorbos rn. i dont watch qsmp i think sering ur posts abt it are really funny bc im like. guy walks into the room on fire gif.#i have no idea whats going on in here congratulations and/or my condolences <3#thank u thank u i love the sleepover vibes. literally had gossip talk w one of my other friends earlier#(name withheld for reasons but if u see this u know who u are and i love u )#so the vibes are so correct#i have 2 work tomorrow :( not looking forward 2 that.#however it IS my last day of my long term overnight job which means i will be able to sleep in my own bed tomoerow night.#this is something i have not done for like. close to a month now. whcih is why ive been sleeping so awfully! so hopefully that fixes me#also have. job interview on wednesday for another aquarium place..#fingers crossed this goes better than my last one but also part of me is kind of hoping it doesnt go well#bc i hate transitional periods and i dont want 2 go thru the moving process again#and i dont want 2 meet a bunch of new ppl all at once again. and do the while job training thing.#alas that is the anxiety talkimg and i do actually want the job bc it would be good for me <3#sorry it is late and im soooo fucking sleepy so im rambling !!!! do not feel like u have to respond to . gestures vaguely at all that#its blorbo talk time. i desperately want 2 warch more mh right now#however the house im.staying in IS in the middle of the woods and very isolated and i have been so scared and paranoid#so i am OUTTA LUCK sigh. i will simply watch smth silly instead like gg tmph or david attenborough or perhaps spongebob will b on the tv.#asks#friends!!!#false-anachronism#<< oh fuck new url!!! i got like halfway thru typing ur old one before i was like WAIT SHIT.
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"You don't smile a lot, it gets ya through the day!" - Pam from sales to me
#My face#Sorry Pamela its more like I have the senior shop tech now as my boss#And he's a dickhead mechanic type that doesnt like me being on my computer#Ie ya know to do my job functions#And berates me a lot#And Im thinking now would working for Kroger again really be so bad?#And there's always inventory issues#And these people do not pay me enough#But you are so right Pamela#Smilllleeee through the shit#Sigh#Shes nice and well meaning#But beyond... well me... I have never seen someone so dry and uncomfortable to talk to#Real Colin Robinson coded#Office life ya know#I really... dont smile a lot do I
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#hm. some choices to make tomorrow#bc i could ask my advisor if thr lab needs a tech this summer so i could get paid to make media and do transfers#but then im at risk of getting sucked back into school stuff#but if i dont then i have to find a different job which is scary. i mean im sure i could find something but ya kno#but i would be getting a job i could just not think abt it when i leave. which ive never had before#and im feeling a bit better now so im like fuck u give me challanges. ya kno?#my counselor thinks i should just go back to ohio for the summer and i could but i dunno#i feel like it would b harder to live with my dad all summer. i dunno. maybe i should. maybe not. i feel like i could do more here#im just sorta lacking purpose rn. ugh.#i mean here i can just walk more places so i could potentially get out more than i could in rural ohio#but that assumes i would actually go out. bleh. i hate this. gotta make annoying choices#but whatever. im just lucky that ive got enough saved up that im not gonna b in trouble not getting paid much over yhe summer#so. could be worse. just wish it was better#unrelated
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