of all the people i have loved-

oh i love, oh i love, oh i love.

as much as i say i love,

my love never truly consumes me

the way some describe.

but at the same time,

my love does truly consume me,

just not the way others will explain it.

i haven't really had the experience of,

being unable to speak to someone,

because of my infatuation.

stumbling over words,

or struggling to breathe because of them.

my love consumes me in other ways.

my love consumes me because

it does not end.

if i love someone...

it never leaves.

perhaps the infatuation

may fade

to something calmer,

more manageable.

but there is always love,

once it begins.

once that emotion is able to

be labeled under "love",

it never leaves,

merely changes.

the love i hold for someone

i met many years ago,

who i do not even speak to now

is still here,

as much as the love i hold

for those i am currently involved with.

my love is all consuming,

because i know it will never fade.

it will never leave.

and it is terrifying,

to love so wholly,

and to know

that there are some i will never be able

to properly show or give that love to.

perhaps that is why loving someone

who i have no plans to give that love to

is so terrifying.

what shall one do,

when they love someone so wholly

but they will never be able to do more

than admire them from afar?

Imagine aliens who like to come to deathworlds to experience the local nightmare conditions, like those people that do extreme outdoorsy sports stuff (idk what that's called but those people are Insane. Anyway) or storm chasers.

Imagine the alien equivalent of a youtuber from a planet that had no concept of barometric pressure changes documenting their experience waiting for and through a thunderstorm. Would they naturally be able to feel changes in pressure in more detail than us since they aren't used to it?

"Hey everyone, logging in for the first time from Terra. We're two days ahead of a thunderstorm here in 'Ohklawhowma,' as the locals call it, and we can already feel the atmosphere changing around us. It's hard to describe. It's like your skin and bones feel... unsettled. Really fascinating."

"Hey everyone, logging back in one Sol day before the predicted storm, and we are really feeling the atmosphere changing as the day goes on. I'm doing alright but my partner Navideah is in bed, her bones and skin are hurting pretty bad. They say even among humans there are some people who are more susceptible to pain caused by these pressure changes. Absolutely insane to think a whole sentient species, an entire planet, just deals with this every day. I've been to a lot of deathworlds but Terra is something else."

"Hey everyone, it's the day of the storm and the storm is starting to 'roll in' as the humans say. *camera pans to show a large storm cloud approaching on the horizon*Look at these atmospheric water structures! This one is going to be pretty tame by Terra standards. No solid water chunks raining from the sky and definitely no 'tornado.' We respect humans who chase those storms but decided we're not that intense.

Anyway *bright flash of light* OH DAMN I think we just saw some lightning! *thunder clap* and there's the thunder. They say the shorter the time between the flash and the thunder, the closer it is to you. And look at this! The horizon is hazy because that water structure, 'clouds' the humans call them, is dumping absolutely massive amounts of water on the landscape. Really, really exciting stuff!"

*video taken from inside the ship, with the sound of water hitting metal echoing everywhere* "Hey everyone, my recording equipment is having some trouble hearing me over the noise of water hitting the ship. The humans like to say it's 'raining cats and dogs' which are two small Terran companion animals. Not sure what that means but it really is insane how much water is coming out of the sky! I have some more footage being captured on cameras outside the ship that I'll edit and post later.

These changes in the atmosphere are really brutal on the body. I'm feeling it pretty good. My head hurts like you wouldn't believe, and Navideah had a fluid leak from her scent organ earlier. Apparently this is completely normal for humans. Some of them don't even feel any different when these storms come, which is absolutely insane every part of my body including my skin hurts. I have never has more respect for the humans their world is absolutely one of the wildest we've been to. And this is just an every day thing for them! Absolutely wild." *loud thunderclap and screen goes black*

"Hey everyone, we made it through the storm! My recording equipment had some interference so I'll be sorting through footage but I just wanted to let everyone know we made it, and we are packing up to head home.

Pain aside, this has been an incredible experience. The awe you feel on this wide open plain as these massive super structures of water in the atmosphere approach is really something else. It'll set your antennas on end. It really will. The anticipation as the storm approaches and the pain increases is so intense. It's unsettling and uncanny, but you can't help but think how beautiful it all is.

Anyway, it's been a long few days, so we're signing out for a bit while we head back home and recover. Wave Navideah! This is us, signing out."

Could I request a letter for your Valentines Day Letter Event? I would love love LOVE a letter from baji. We've been friends since middle school and we became offical when we went to the same University. (He does veterinary medicine and I do art.) I'm 20 and he's 21 (dating for a couple of years at the time of him writting ir) and well... he does call me a variety of pet names depending on his mood (just wanna be call dollface/cutie). TONE: I'm thinking about a hurt to comfort letter where I get hurt/bullied (harassed and peer pressured by bullies and idk how to response bc i thought uni wasn't the place for bullying and high school drama. Guess not 💀) and he saves me but I don't respond bc i feel week and I should have done something instead of waiting for him ro come save me and I just feel undeserving of his love and isolate myself in my dorm (we live in different dorms). Baji not being sure on what to do/not wanting to pressure me (ik he isn't like this but shhh it's for the sake of the letter) write a letter expressing how much he genuinely cares for me and loves me (without it being out of character) and that I'm not alone and I have him. Location: it takes place at uni (so he slips it through underneath the door. After I read it, he comes in and we just cuddle and watch a movie (whilst hes holding me in his strong arms. He stays the night and makes me breakfast, also he "talks" to my bullies so that when I see them again they all run away 🏃 (they want no smoke). Other information: I'm usually the more affectionate one between us and like he reciprocates (was quite shy at first but warmed up to it and how he starts it... it gets a little heated sometimes if he's jealous 😳). I hope I'm not coming off as ooc by saying this (please correct me if I am). I feel like baji is somewhat reserved in public (unless he's jealous) like the most he'll do if give me a kiss or a brief hug (maybe ruffle my hair) but like o can tell he cares. I can't proprrly articulate it but he isn't just a feral troublemaker, he's more than that (acts of service - giving me water, snacks if so I don't get hungry or thirsty/reminding me to like eat and hydrate. Also I can confinde him about anything and he won't judge me for it. Also he doesn't judge me for my autism (actually G checks and fucks up anyone who tries it) and he doesn't care if I'm stimming or pacing around and like it's just really nice to not be seen as weird. Also like he's really attentive like if I'm having a shitty day he wont just not say anything, he'll pick up on it and do his dammest to make it go away. Like giving me advice (amazing if not a bit blunt), or doing what he can. Also I sometimes draw portraits and art of him bc I love him (and my hobby is art) and even if he insists I don't need to. I always make sure to buy him gifts (new cat toys/food, veterinary resources, yskisoba and snacks, etc) bc I want to give back to him.

But yeah that's all there is to it. I hope it isn't too much. Thank you for accepting my request and letting me send this in.

I hope you have a nice day. Ur amazing.

Baji's Comforting Letter to His Girlfriend

This event is now CLOSED, but you can view the masterlist for the other letters here.

| Pairing: Baji x Fem!Reader | Genre: Comfort, Fluff | Post-Type: Letter | Word Count: 1.1k|

Warnings: mentions of bullying, reader feels a little insecure

Note: Happy Valentine's Day! Hope you enjoy your letter from Baji :)

Baji feels awkward standing in front of your dorm door, his letter grasped between his fingers. You had run away from him a few days ago after he helped you out upon seeing your classmates harass you. Not knowing what to say after that, he gave you your space, but you still hadn’t reached out to him at all.

Worry filled him after your silence. Were you upset with him for some reason that he didn’t immediately reach out to you? Anxiety bubbled up within him as he stood outside your dorm room. It was Valentine’s Day and while that usually meant just staying indoors and ordering takeout with you like any other date, Baji felt like he had to do something extra for you this year to cheer you up. 

He wasn’t used to expressing his affection for you verbally, especially not in a letter since his handwriting was horrible and he couldn’t spell to save his life, but this is what lots of guys did for their girlfriends, right? Maybe it would help you feel better.

Swallowing his pride and brushing his embarrassment away, he slips the letter under your door and knocks a few times before rushing to hide behind a nearby wall so you wouldn’t see him.

You, busy sulking on your own in your dorm, jump slightly at the sudden knock on your door. You were  embarrassed that you had run away from your boyfriend after he helped you out. Of course you were grateful for his help and having him protect you like that sent butterflies erupting in your stomach, but you had let your classmates' words get to you. You felt undeserving of Baji’s love, how could you possibly deserve his attention when you were just you?

Sighing, you stand from your bed that you were wallowing away on, and approach your door, seeing an envelope in front of it. Curiously, you pick it up and see your name written on it. You look through the peephole of your dorm door but don’t see anyone outside it, opening the door slightly just to make sure no one was there, before closing it again.

You take a seat on your bed again as you open the envelope and begin to read its contents;

Hey Dollface,

Did I scare you off the other day? Or were you embarrassed that I found out you were getting picked on? You know I don’t care about things like that, but I wish you had told me yourself so I could have helped you out sooner. Don’t worry about those idiots, they won’t bother you again, in fact, no one will bother you again, I’ve made it very clear to them that they shouldn’t mess with my girl…

I’m sorry if I upset you for not running after you and giving you space. I should have looked for you and comforted you right away. But just…don’t feel like you’re alone. We’re partners, I want to share the pain you feel and I want to know when someone is bothering you so I can sort it out quickly. I love you too much to see you throw yourself down like that. If anything, I’m the one undeserving of you.

Anyway, it’s Valentine’s Day and I heard guys write stupid letters like these or something, so here it is. I really don’t get it, but if it makes you happy then good. I love you.

From,

You know who, do I really need to say it??

You smile to yourself as you read the letter, it was so like him. Super curt, straight to the point,  and probably took him forever to write out properly since the grammar and spelling were perfect. You read through the letter one more time, your eyes always stopping at his words ‘my girl’. You were his girl, despite how many times you may have thought you didn’t deserve his love, Baji would never pretend to be interested in you, he knew what he wanted, and that was you.

The only thing you’d ever picture him doing is pushing you away if you were ever in danger because of him. But he’d never lead you on and pretend to care for you, so why were you so worried in the first place?

You laugh to yourself and quickly grab your things, wanting to see him as soon as possible. Two days without being in his arms was long enough. You open your dorm door, but you definitely don’t expect to see your handsome man in front of you already. He backs you up into your dorm room and closes the door behind him, his eyes never leaving yours.

You could see his red ears, hinting as his embarrassment from his letter, but he still stood tall, his confidence never leaving. 

“Did you read it?” He asks, a hand coming up to rub your arms.

Baji had never been one to initiate affection with you, but since dating you for a while and getting used to your touchiness, he finds himself reaching out to you first now more often. He loves it.

“Mhm, thank you,” you smile, leaning in to press a kiss to his lips. “I loved it, and I love you. Thank you for stepping in the other day for me…and I’m sorry for running off on you like that without a word, I just felt embarrassed.”

He shakes his head and laughs huskily, pulling you into his arms, his chin leaning on your shoulder as he squeezes you tight, “You don’t need to apologize. It’s my job to look out for you, just know that they won’t be bothering you again. They know what’ll happen if they do.”

You hug him back, missing the feeling of having his arms around you

“I’m sure you did. Thank you,” you hum, before a teasing smile graces your lips, “Happy Valentine’s Day. Such a romantic gesture to threaten my ‘bullys’ for me.”

He groans in your neck, guiding you back to your bed where he pushes you back into the mattress, hovering over you, “Yeah yeah, Happy Valentine’s Day. As long as you’re happy.”

And happy you were as he leaned down to pepper kisses all over your face.

Your day of love was spent cuddled up together with a movie playing in the background as Baji later attempts to cook brunch since it was still early on in the day. It wasn’t perfect, but you could care less as long as you got to spend it with him, that’s all that mattered.

Posted: 2/14/2024

Betrayal's Bond | An Uchiha Brother's Series | Teaser

Summary: You've been tasked with finding the team of jonin that went missing on their mission to the village hidden in the stars but what happens when you take one Uchiha brother to look for the other? Pairing: Tsundere Sasuke x female!oc x Itachi (love triangle) Word Count: 1.1k~ Warning: No real warnings but this is a Naruto au so it's not gonna to match up with the storyline at all List of Terminology a/n: Ahh idk how this'll do since I mostly post Jungkook/Kpop fics but I hope you guys'll look forward to this fic! Naruto is my all time favorite anime and I highly suggest you watch it but it's not necessary to enjoy this fic. You might need to look up the meaning of some of the words but it's nothing too crazy okay okay I'm done

Starting the morning off with a rude awakening is never good and today was unfortunately one of those days... 

I jolt awake at the sound of someone banging on my front door and almost fall out of bed. "What the fuck is someone doing here so early?" I grumble to myself seeing that it's barely seven o'clock. I stretch for a second and rub my eyes before getting out of bed and putting my slippers on so I can open the door for whoever this horrible nuisance might be. 

"Why the hell are you banging on my do- Oh Sasuke, what are you doing here?" I question, bringing my first scolding tone down to my normal one. "The Hokage wants to see us. She said it was urgent" he says and walks away giving me no further details.

"Wait Sasuke! I- and he's gone" I call out for him but he disappears before I'm able to get another word in. 'Thanks for the info Sasuke' I grumble to myself before heading back inside to get ready. 

I take a quick shower, get dressed and head out as fast as I can but it doesn't seem like it was fast enough for Sasuke's liking as I see him leaning up against the wall next to Lady Tsunade's office with an irritated look on his face. "Nice to see you too Sasuke" I mumble and neither of us bother trying to engage in any other conversation before knocking on Lady Tsunade's door.

"Enter" I hear faintly from the other side of the door and walk in with Sasuke right behind me. "You wanted to see us?" I question as we both make our way over to her. "Yes, thank you both for coming in this early" she says, setting the papers she had been looking through down on her desk. "Is everything alright?" I ask as I take into account the dark circles under her eyes worried that something horrible might've happened. 

"There was a team of Shinobi that went out on a mission to the village hidden in the stars a few weeks ago and they haven't returned. It should've been an easy mission but we've lost all contact with them about a week ago" she lists off, sorting through the papers until she finds the right one. 

"The village hidden in the stars? What were they doing there?" I question, hoping to get as much info as I can. "They were meant to retrieve a certain item there that the village had planned to give us for research but I can't reveal exactly what that item is" She says, giving only the necessary information. 

"Why not?" Sasuke asks in a monotone, cocking his brow at the Hokage and she simply rolls her eyes in response, already being used to his insolence. "It's not something the public should be aware of and honestly I've given you more information than I should have" she say, glaring right back at him. 

"You don't trust us?" Sasuke prods, obviously not happy about being left in the dark about this but Tsunade just shakes her head, tired of the pushback but also trying to hold in her anger as she's known to have a short fuse. 

"Once you find them just give them this document, they'll fill you in on the rest once you get there. We never really know who's listening and like I said we do-" "Don't want anyone knowing we got it" Sasuke says cutting her off. 

"Sasuke!" I scold him, afraid of the backlash we might receive. "I'm sorry Lady Tsunade, he's really not a morning person" I explain, hoping to defuse the situation. "Sasuke Uchiha, y/f/n, you have been tasked with the mission of locating the missing shinobi and helping them complete their mission" she states before either of us can make any further comments. 

"But Lady Tsunade, usually we go out on missions in teams of three. Won't we need a third?" I question, concerned that this might've been an oversight. 

"It's a covert mission. It would make things too obvious if there were too many of you.  Plus, you're only meant to find them so you two should be sufficient enough. The shinobi you're looking for is a team of jonin so as you can see we've already put enough manpower into this whole operation as is" she explains, leaning back in her chair and rubbing her temples. 

"If I may ask, who are the jonin we're looking for?" I question, seeing as that's the most crucial information we need to complete this mission. "Kakashi Hatake, Shikamaru Nara and Itachi Uchiha" she lists off. 

Sasuke stiffens at the sound of the last name and I know from now on that this mission is gonna hit close to home. 

"Pack up your gear and head out as soon as possible" she finishes. "Understood" Sasuke answers for the both of us and makes his way out first, leaving me behind without a care in the world. 

"Lady Tsunade may I ask you something?" I say quietly, keeping my voice down so the possibility of anyone hearing is a little bit smaller. "Go ahead" she sighs, thumbing through the other documents she has strewn about her desk. 

"Why did you put Sasuke on this mission? I mean I don't want it to be seen as if I'm questioning your judgement but isn't the mission a little too personal for him? You know, since Itachi is missing?" I question while walking a bit closer to her desk. 

"That is exactly why I've put him on this mission. The mission is important to the village but it's even more important to Sasuke now that he knows. Plus it might do him some good to be teaming up with Itachi. They've never really been on a mission together now have they?" she explains and I nod my head as she finishes. 

"Yeah I guess you're right. May I ask why you've chosen me to go along though?" I continue, playing with the bracelet I have around my wrist, a nervous habit I've developed over the years. 

"You're a good tracker and you've been completing your missions with close to perfect results. Plus you're a quiet one that doesn't tend to get on people's nerves so I figured you'd get along well with Sasuke" she answers, listing off my strengths which has me a little shy, embarrassed that I pretty much fished for compliments. 

"Just take a deep breath and don't be nervous. Sasuke's rough around the edges but I'm sure you guys will work just fine together" she says while giving me a warm smile, hoping to give me some encouragement. "Yes my Lady. Thank you" I say, giving her a shallow bow and walking out of her office and rushing home.

'I hope she's right about this' I think to myself as I run through the village, dreading what is to come as flashbacks of the argument I had witnessed between the brothers comes to mind again. 

'Please Sasuke, don't mess this one up'

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I don't wanna have to be a feminist.

I don't know how to explain this but like I didn't contribute to women's oppression, I'm a victim of it so why is it on me to solve an Issue I didn't create in the first place.

I'm just so tired. I'm so jealous of men, they can just do whatver they want, but everything I may do or say is scrutinized and seen a as a statement.

Ugh I just idk at this point I feel like trying to survive in a patriarchal society is easier than trying to enact change .

I feel like there's this pressure on me like if I'm not a feminist then I'm a gender traitor of some ssorts which I guess isn't totally wrong but like I didn't ask to be a woman I didn't choose this.

Long post warning! I don't wanna put any of this under a cut so deal with it and scroll if you don't wanna read lmao

Sorry for the wait for the response I've been a bit tired this week from the surgery and my school work. And not gonna lie I've just been doing a lot of reading for my peace studies class so my perspectives on complacency is a bit skewed right now towards dislike. In the drama of peace studies and peace leaders, you'd honestly be looked at as a bit of a coward. I mean, really? Everyone knows it's easier to just stick with the status quo, when has change ever been easy, especially social changes and fights against oppression and the misogyny that's so deeply rooted in our cultures. Of course it's not fucking easy. Of course there's times it feels bleak.

My favorite professor once asked us if any of us had been to one of the local protests that had happened. None of us raised our hands. She looked a bit shocked as she took in the fact that in a class of roughly 30 adults, all working on moving final projects all semester about commemorative practices about deeply horrible oppressive governments, genocides, and wars, that none of us could even find the strength to go to a local protest. She asked if any of us usually go to protests or supportive demonstrations at all, ever. Again, no one raised a hand. She said, "none of you are activists?" and we all sort of looked around a bit embarrassed. If she were to ask this question a few decades ago, hell the 70s were a moving time to be on a college campus especially, you'd never guess the state of so many college students nowadays being so uninterested in social movements and social changes. So many of us look at the strives we've made in recent decades and go "that's enough for me, I'm content with that" or "I'm tired, no one is listening" or just plain old "why bother?".

And here's the thing: not everyone is an activist. I'm sure not, I find other ways to support women and don't often enjoy large gatherings just because my city isn't the safest. To be a feminist you have a multitude of options and ways to engage with feminism than standing in a group waving a sign, though that's a very important area of social change too and it's important to recognize when it's time to stand together openly and go "listen to us".

You say women are always scrutinized and that everything we say is taken as a political statement, which online at least is often true. We can't necessarily escape people viewing everything we do and say online as neutral, some people just have distorted ideas about others. I would try to remind yourself that the internet is full of dumbasses and you know better than strangers what's in your heart. But at the same time, if you're engaging in political speak and movements, there will be times your own behavior and statements will be reflected back on you for good or bad. It's just up to you how you feel about yourself. I personally think no one is a perfect feminist, there's always gonna be something that another could call you out for. So same can be said for those who try to scrutinize your every statement or move. At the end of the day, what matters is how much you understand and care about feminism and the women in the world and do you actually try?

Trying will look different for everyone. In our peace studies class, we're talking about how peace is not an easy and straight forward process and that while the goal is peace, you shouldn't get so bogged down by the end goal that you ignore or ruin the path to get there. In most cases, reaching a pure feminist world is not likely in our life time, which is why it's necessary for us to engage in female consciousness raising, creating for and leaving behind theory and books and evidence and music and art for our friends and daughters and sisters and grandchildren and women we'll never know. In our daily lives, do we try? Do we live in a way that reduces the harm that patriarchy and a male dominated culture has had on us? Do you not wear makeup, wear comfortable clothing, speak kindly to yourself when you look at your own reflection in the mirror, do you workout and take care of yourself, do you speak to your female family and friends, do you watch and engage with female created media and art, do you love and have hobbies, do you donate to women's charities and shelters, do you work with women in your jobs and how do you treat and support them, do you make sure the world is safe for the girls and women in your communities by voting in local elections, do you go to protests and board meetings and engage politically with feminism, do you share feminist theory with others, do you read the news and stay informed about world affairs especially vital towards transnational feminism, do you try?

You're right none of us chose to be born women into a world that wants to kick us down at every chance. With that mentality, though, you're only gonna depress yourself. There's more to feminism than sadness and despair, you're just looking at it from the wrong angle. The pressure to be a feminist isn't on any one individual, but you gain the benefits of trying to live a life in a way that recognizes the harm a male dominated culture has on us as per many of the examples above. I'm not sure who you feel is pressuring you, whether that be people online or just yourself, there's not necessarily a wrong way to be a feminist if you just fucking try. Trying is literally more than enough, but not trying at all makes someone a complacent coward. To look at the world and to see for what it is and not even feel the urge to go, "fuck it, I'm at least gonna live my best life in spite of that" is one of the most un-feminist things ever, yeah. I wouldn't call you a gender traitor unless you're up there touting conservative traditional ideology bullshit, but I'd say you need to connect to yourself and the women around you more. You're in a headspace where feminism rests solely on you and that unless you're out in the streets with a mic you're not doing enough, which is far from what many people are doing anyways. Do we need more active groups? Yeah, for sure. But right now the climate is difficult. Right now it seems the work is laying more foundation towards class consciousness and feminist theory and undoing the harm so much liberal feminist theory has wrought. Go support local charities and shelters, go hang out with your friends, go shop at a women run store, go just interact with the women in your life and try to center them and yourself. None of us want to be fighting for our damn rights, but that's not the end goal of feminism either.

To steal from peace studies theory, negative peace is just the absence of war. Positive peace is the absence of war and any and all oppressive institutions, violence, and is considered a "just" society. In my eyes, feminism is sort of like that. A negative feminism is just the absence of the patriarchy, or in terms of liberal feminism, a society in which men and women are equals. Positive feminism would be a society in which there's no patriarchy and where men and women are not just equals, but that women can live their lives to the fullest, where women are not bogged down by gender roles and norms and sexist institutions, where women are encouraged to love and befriend each other and not focus on men, where women aren't just legally equals, but are fundamentally happy and afforded opportunities to live rich and fulfilling lives apart from men. That's the end goal of feminism, really. Many of the examples I raised are to lead women down the path towards that positive feminism as well as negative, since both are vital for women in the long run.

Anyways, I love you anon and you're not a gender traitor for being tired. It points to you needing to go look for some peace and happiness. We all grow weary if we spend all our time huddled in the dark trying to picture the light instead of just stepping outside and seeing the sun.

Stella's about the crash 👀

AITA for framing my dad for falling asleep at the wheel?

Okay I know the title sounds bad but hear me out.

I (17F) and my brother (14M) are worried about our dad (38M). Ever since our mom was murdered a month ago, he's been having trouble processing his grief. He's been drinking a lot, he spends long hours at work (he's a member of law enforcement), and I know he's barely sleeping. He keeps saying that he's fine but we all know that's not true. We barely see him anymore and that hasn't exactly helped us with the grieving process. It's like he doesn't understand that Mom being dead means he has more responsibility to us and he can't just unload us onto our family members and call it a day anymore.

Earlier today, my brother and I were waiting for our dad to pick us up from school. We were waiting for a while and we thought he was late at first (which wouldn't be the first time) but then my brother saw his truck on the other side of the parking lot. Our dad was asleep in the driver's seat with the windows down. Seeing this, I knew something had to change. He wasn't taking care of himself, or us,

I got my brother to help me move our dad to the passenger seat and I drove us to our grandparent's ranch (we've been staying there since Mom died). For the whole drive, I thought about what to do. When we got tot he ranch, I saw the hitching post in the yard in front of the main ranch house and I got an idea. Maybe if I set up a scenario where he "fell asleep" at the wheel and hit something, then he would realize how poorly he was doing and do something about it.

Before I even told my brother this idea, he hated it and wouldn't help me. But I was sure this was the only way so I did everything myself. I aimed the truck and moved my dad to the driver's seat (still not sure how he didn't wake up- but I think that just proves my point) and got into the passenger seat. I nudged his leg so it would hit the gas and the truck rolled toward the hitching post, bending it with a loud CRUNCH

This woke my Dad up and everyone else came outside when they heard the noise. I told everyone, including Dad, that he'd fallen asleep at the wheel. My brother stayed quiet but he didn't rat me out either.

A few hours later, our family and some of my Dad's work colleagues set up an intervention. My uncle even missed his flight to come talk to him. We tried to explain that his behavior was worrying us and that he needed to take a break from work and start healing. He didn't listen to us, just rambled about how he didn't believe that Mom's case was really solved (someone confessed to her murder three weeks ago) and that he didn't remember falling asleep at the wheel like that. I tried telling him, again, that he'd fallen asleep at the wheel and August and I were scared (which was technically true) but that didn't work.

Instead, he said that maybe it would be better for everyone if he just left and said something about an undercover mission out of town! My brother and I tried to tell him not to go but he wouldn't budge, something about how it was better if he left.

Right now, Dad's at the office getting briefed for the mission and my brother won't talk to me. The last thing he said was that this whole thing was my fault, but I don't really see what I did wrong. Dad needed a wake up call and that was the best thing I could think of. It's not MY fault he took it the wrong way!

But, idk, maybe I could've handled it a little better. So, AITA?

Okay, I actually want to elaborate on my theory why I think Wan will turn out to not have spread Prae's video on the wedding and also why I believe it was Pitch.

And ... I kinda wanna do so before the next episode airs and completely flips my theory. Just so I can come back and ratio myself or something lol

Now for one, I know, when you go through my blog, you will see that I just hate Pitch. And I mean that. I might be talking about the others in not so nice terms, and they do have faults, but I generally like them. Or relate to them. We see their sides of every string of the story, and we understand why they make their decisions. We've seen enough of Wanwan that we also immediately understand why she would exchange the videos. And even with all the bad decisions they make, even when a lot of the times they are a bit annoying, I like them.

That does not go for Pitch. Most of the "why" is personal reasons. But the rest is that his decision-making doesn't fit any motive that we get a chance to try and understand. The fact that we don't see enough of him and his story might tie into why I accuse him, but I want to say that I'll try to not let my hatred get in the way. 😅

First off, from a show perspective, which is a bit ridiculous (but hey, that's actually my second name so who can blame me?) I want to say it would just be an excellent move to have Pitch be the culprit and not Wan - or any of the other girls of the gang for that matter.

Throughout the show, we mostly got to see their perspectives, their stories, their pasts and plenty of their present. Mostly of the gang, of course, but we also have questionable parents. And while at least the parents aren't that far in the front, all of them make it seem like they are possible culprits. Prae's mother, Prae's friends and even Meen, whom Prae might have actually loved most. They all have been put in some form of bad light when looking at Prae's case, one way or another: Meen by probably been framed for the videos. Also for wanting to date Pitch, which Prae was in the way of. This one apparently also goes for May. She was also the one that immediately knew where to look: in Meen's purse. Wanwan is obviously now suspicious because of the thing with Win, but possibly other things too, since we know she had a lot to hide from her friends. Saras kinda falls out of the picture for me. But she doesn't give off culprit vibes, I'll be honest (just wait until the finals, I probably just jinxed her innocence). Even Phu was framed as a possible suspect, but that one got solved really fast.

They are all suspects and when revealed it was any of them, nobody would be surprised. Disappointed, maybe. But we were given hints for every single one of them.

And here is where Pitch comes in. He hasn't been framed as a suspect, at all. He doesn't even have emotional outbursts when the topic of his dead sister comes up. Hell, Meen's face always does this thing when she just thinks about Prae for longer than a second (Thanks at Jan for being absolutely perfect btw) and Pitch is like... Idk. His sister died and a few days later he was shaming Meen for keeping a promise she made with her. One that he himself couldn't even wait to finally break. He doesn't even put much effort into choosing which one of his deceased sister's friends he wants to start dating. Which I would have been ready to accept as a coping mechanism, but with everything else; The way he doesn't even seem to care.

With which I mean this: I mentioned this in another post as well, but the way he always backs out of any talk about Prae or doesn't participate, speaks books to me. He doesn't speak in favor of Meen once. He also never spoke in favor of his sister. He tried to calm his mother, but he did not say that Prae had done nothing wrong, hadn't defended her at all from the verbal abuse of their mother on Prae's wedding day. Who does that? What kinda brother is that? He didn't protect Prae at all, which was understandable if he was surprised, or it was a one time thing. But we now know it wasn't. For that, his efforts to keep the mother away from Prae were quite... Minimal. Why did he let her get even close enough to hit Prae? Weak-ass brother he is. Man, he doesn't even console her. Why did he go after the mother? Why was that more important than staying behind and making sure his sister knew immediately that he didn't think of her as a worthless slut? And we can only assume he never did really console her before, either. He watched as his sister got hit and screamed at and just hid away. The only thing we ever see him do is send Meen to console her. Which is a good thing! Really! But his obsession with Meen is another thing.

It is first apparent in the way he focuses only on her, even at the funeral. It really looked like that was the time he chose to try and reconcile with her. What an opportunist. Obviously, he did date other girls. The first time we see him, he is clinging to a nameless woman we never see again. I assume she was there to help him fulfil his plan and exchange the videos. He would know the flower arrangements, he would have access to the suit the bridesmaids are in. He just needed a girl to play the role.

Then why did he put the blame on Meen? To isolate her. To make sure, her friends would leave her, and she would be alone and desperate. Pitch is probably just like his mother and sister, a narcissist. And probably wants Meen all to himself and her to depend on him. Which would also explain why he is now so angry at her for what the mother revealed. Would a normal person really be angry, years later, when someone made a bad decision as a student? One that helped her out in a very difficult situation that had so far no other solution? Would you blame her for escaping the mother's resentment at that age? The same resentment she is now knowingly walking into, risking having that mother at her neck again. Which is a risk Meen took when she accepted dating Pitch again. Of course, you would still blame her for that - if you're a narcissist and see this as the ultimate betrayal towards your character. Even if he isn't the culprit behind the video swap. It makes him a really unlikable character to me, I suppose I cannot turn that distaste towards him off 😅

As for another motive, apart from Prae cockblocking him and being involved in the death of one of his girlfriends. I assume he also blames her for whatever is wrong with their mother. After all, it was always Prae being scolded and not acting perfect enough to please their mother. This one is the most far-fetched part of my theory. But I can easily picture this scenario in-between the rest.

All of this, I see that, is very far-fetched and not at all valid evidence. But let's just say it is revealed in the end that it was Pitch, wouldn't we all go back, look at these points and go "yeah, okay, that makes sense! Even if it wasn't made obvious."

And yeah, also. I hate him. 🤷

I am sorry for being so ineloquent btw, I'm just really bad at writing thoughts out. However if you still read until this part, I thank you so much for your attention and patience 🙏🏼💗

Just watch the next episode release, and it was simply Wan. And I'm just sitting on this hella long explanation simply because I don't like a character. 😂😂

Can I ramble about something that's been on my mind recently?

I don't have many friends but I've noticed that with one particular friend I'm *always* the one messaging/starting conversations with them first. I enjoy talking to them and they always respond and we've had a few fun conversations but.. I feel like I'm annoying them by being the one to message first. So I wait for them to talk to me and they never do. They've said they rarely start conversations due to pretty bad social anxiety which is exactly what I have but I honestly don't know if it's because they're anxious or if they're just not interested in being my friend.

I hate this because recently I've started getting back into a game I kinda wanna play with them but now I'm worries that if I ask them to play something anymore they'll probably just think I'm being annoying.

I just kinda wish more friends reached out to me first. If it wasn't me reaching out to my friends I feel like I'd have none.

And idk how to bring this up with my friend either. Idk how to say "hey could you message me first sometimes I feel like you don't really care about talking to me much" without sounding horrible.

Ugh idk it's just frustrating me a bit 😅 sorry

- 🐱

Hello! So, first off, you sound like a wonderful friend who tries very, very hard! The effort you put in is not going unnoticed - and to feel the way you are isn’t fun at all. I hate that you have to go through this worry

 -- so, this leads me to the second thing! I have an extreme amount of empathy for you. The reason being because, I am your friend. 

(more below the cut - not italicized because long posts like that make my eyes hurt) 

The way you describe your friend, it’s me. I don’t message people first often. I will 100% respond if someone messages me (even if it takes me a while), and I will participate in the conversation until it ends but I am very bad at messaging first. Point being :: i have a looooow social energy bar (or I’m busy, like really busy) 

here’s the thing about being *that friend. I never, like never never, think someone is annoying by reaching out to me. In fact, if you message me and I consider you someone in my tight circle, oh BOY am I happy to hear from you! I get so excited :) (even if it’s a small message, a quick something, a link to a pretty picture - i’m pumped!) -- if they respond to you, they choose to and want to talk to you so trust them just as much as they trust you to stick around (they might also worry that you will one day want to leave them because of the way they socialize - my best friends and I talk like once a month but we are always there for each other - it’s just the way we communicate) 

another thing about *that friend - I can literally have a conversation for days. In fact, I’ve been talking to someone about the same thing for like 3 days and we’ve only message each other like ten times about it lol -- we’ve found comfort and security in being low maintenance for each other (the conversation never dies between us and we always pick it up as if we had been talking all day) 

lastly, you should talk to your friend. just have a conversation about the way you feel. be honest - let them know you’re worried about annoying them, ask them if they don’t mind you being the one to reach out first AND AND AND when they reach out to you first, get super excited about it !! use emojis, get hype - let them know how awesome it was that they messaged you and I’m sure they will do it again (so be excited again!) 

the other thing is that, *that friend has to be aware they are what I call ‘low maintenance’ and try to give a little bit every now and then. As soon as I get a spark of social energy, I reach out to my friends I haven’t talked to in a few days (or hours sometimes llol) and just let them know i”m there, i’m thinking about them, I care about them. It’s because I worry about always being reached out too and never reaching out -- relationships are give and take, and I have to give sometimes too (but I learned that over many years)

Maintaining a relationship isn’t always about having long long long conversations, sometimes it can be as simple as “i saw this thing and wanted to show you” -- that can be equally as powerful :) 

don’t give up on your self or *that friend -- if they are anything like me, they value that interaction so much, you just might not get to see how much <3 

Okay so I Googled how long it's been since my last injection and 12 weeks after October 6 is December 29, so we're now almost a month overdue for a Lupron injection

Health update at 1 month of discontinuing Lupron

My pelvic pain is the lowest it's been since this whole thing started, back in September 2017

Still no bleeding, but it can take a few months for that to come back

My joint pain levels are normal ("normal"), unlike when my Depo-Provera shots would wear off and I sometimes couldn't even sit up

My chest has been a bit tender since starting Alysena, but idk if it's going away or if I'm just getting used to it, and it's not as bad as when I first started Lupron, where I had to be careful of which bra I wore and was shoving ice packs into my shirt, this is more just not pressing objects against myself and I'll be fine

Acne has been really bad on my chin but is clearing up on my cheeks

I haven't been taking my Estrace or my Movisse bc I have Alysena now, and I didn't ask but I assume that was my gynecologist's intent, so I'm not taking two sets of hormone supplementation

My scars look really good, the one by my hip and the one by my ribs are fading into my skin nicely and the one at my belly button looks like a natural crease (and my gynecologist really liked how I was healing when she checked the incisions at my post-op back in November)

I'm seeing my gynecologist on the 8th of February, so I want to ask her about the likelihood of adenomyosis and some questions about if I were to have a hysterectomy in the future (I wouldn't be having one right now bc Alysena is successful so far and my gynecologist is concerned about the recovery time)

My GP is trying to refer me to a gastroenterologist like my gynecologist suggested (bc my large intestine looked very full during my laparoscopy), but the 1st one turned me down, the 2nd one I was referred to by mistake bc I asked for a female doctor and he's male, so now we're waiting for the 3rd one to get back to us, and if that's unsuccessful, we will try an internist

I have zero side effects from Sinequan and I'm sleeping through the night more often

Abilify was making me sleepy and hungry whenever I wasn't doing something super stimulating, so we've increased my Wellbutrin to counterbalance it a bit better and my energy levels and appetite are getting back to where they should be

Still have to wait until July to see the private practice psychiatrist (after all the hospital psychiatrists turned me down), but I've been accepted into college and they have their own psychiatrist who I used to see back in the day so I know her and trust her, she's not swamped with patients like the other psychiatrists are, and I can start seeing her 10 days after the semester starts

ik i already posted these earlier but i dont think anyone saw so no i didnt. steals my memes back for the Dump Post

ghost game episode 10 thoughts under the cut

TESLAJELLYMON LETS FUCKING GOOOOOO HOLY SHIT THAT WAS WORTH THE WAIT I LOVE HER.... could not be more thrilled about it tbh. there was a few minutes there were i was actually starting to think it wouldnt happen and i think i physically deflated when gammamon evolved first bUT YET... god she's so good and i'm so glad we're getting a few episodes focused primarily on the supporting duo and their partners while they evolve. like we all knew it was coming but getting to watch it is exciting especially after waiting what feels like way too long;;

did feel kinda bad towards the end of the evolution buildup when she was just getting utterly curbstomped by kinkakumon. cringed in the "ouch" way when she had her tentacle stepped on trying to reach for kiyoshiro, that one hurt me viscerally :( like at that point she deserved to evolve and go a little apeshit as a treat. go girl give us violence

i was almost expecting jellymon's line to be based more around magic/casting/"special attack" compared to the other two digis tbh, so finally getting my hands on the digimon information for teslajellymon and seeing the words STEEL CAGE DEATH MATCH in there was a surprise but in a fucking hilarious way. like girl what!!!! good for her though!!!! kick some ass throw hands

ive already talked about how i feel theyre handling partner bonding in this and about kiyoshiro and jellymon enough maybe for one day, but i really do like how they're getting along now. jellymon hasn't stopped being a little shit and kiyoshiro hasn't stopped being... like that, but they actually care for each other and clearly understand each other now way better than before. it's great and exactly the kind of direction i was hoping they'd go, building respect and being more like partners without sacrificing their fun dynamic that made me like them in the first place :)

other things since i do have to talk about something other than those guys dhdvfjd... idk i didnt find that ginkakumon and kinkakumon stood out too much to me particularly but that's okay, they're just kinda monster of the week material anyway. i'm way more interested in a few other things i noticed this episode- for one thing, gammamon unlocking the digital lock on kotaro's room. we've already seen him do it once in episode 2 to get into the museum basement pursuing mummymon, and now it's happened again it's gotta end up being significant somehow. REALLY want to know what gammamon's deal is in general but nothing's new there, just thought it was notable enough to pay attention to

the OTHER thing is that i think this episode counts as definite confirmation that the digital-space created by the digivices differs dramatically depending on who uses it. i wasn't sure if i was just imagining things at first- hiro's is more grassy while ruli's has more dense foliage, and it couldve just been coincidental/i was reading too much into it since both had some kind of plant life and it was hard to tell. but now we've seen kiyoshiro's digivice creates a more bare/cybernetic kind of space (comparing the look of his dorm in the digital space in this episode, to episode 5 when hiro activated it) it's clearer than ever that there's a Lot of difference in how the fields look actually. and that's cool as hell! I really hope it gets explored why that happens tbh, it'd be super neat to get digivice lore. but it's looking like we'll need hiro's dad for that and i dont think he's showing up anytime soon :(

...thinking about it, back in episode 6, right before the sirenmon fight angoramon stopped hiro using his digivice to activate it and got ruli to instead. which implies he knew what would happen - the denser plant life providing cover and places to hide from an aerial opponent - but up to that point, ruli hadn't ever activated her field before. how did he know that would happen. does he know something we don't about the digivices. i think this rabbit maybe knows too much, or at the very least about something he isn't sharing with the class.. angoramon please

at least i really HOPE that's an indicator of something going on with him and not just a plothole that will never be addressed and will bother me until the end of time, because at this point i literally crave angoramon character depth and nuance and i WILL grasp at straws to get it. what are you hiding big guy

next episode hopes..... i hope ruli and angoramon get into a fight. i want them to bicker. i want them to Go Through Something. and i want them to reconcile with a better understanding of each other (and an evolution ofc but that's basically confirmed by now). theyve been so goddamn agreeable this whole time, at least angoramon has been, and it's about time some tensions stirred up between them tbh. i want their amicable relationship to be tested. if i Dont get top tier loredrops/character development that will make me kick myself for not predicting it i will be reasonably upset. if you read my earlier post you will already know i really want ruli and angoramon's relationship to be explored at last and explored well in a way that makes sense and that is literally the Only Thing i desperately hope for this time around... give us DEVELOPMENT

kiyoshiro and jellymon's evolution was satisfying because theyve been butting heads and bickering this whole time, and have finally almost... realised just how attached they are to each other and come together as a more cohesive partnership, and they're great together. it Worked. please please please give us something equally satisfying for ruli and a reason to care about their bond too because they deserve the same nuance afforded to the others- and imo having them finally get fed up with each other is the first step towards getting closer in their case. just PLEASE handle it well or ill cry. literally cannot wait to see it go down either way

ooooo denali as the bratty little rich girl whos never had to work a day in her life and shows up to her parents work parties and galas and dinners in the most wildly inappropriate outfits, does camgirl work either as some kind of rebellious act against her straight laced parents or for some other reason just because she likes it idk, and rosé uses her streams to unwind after her stressful job 👀👀👀

(excuse my manifesting, here) okay, haiplana, we're keeping this short. short. it's 8:44 pm and we have class tomorrow and we're in a creative writing class and we've gotta write sfw stuff and we don't have time to burn ourselves out with a really involved and intricate new AU, okay? short

anyway, I don't know how camgirl stuff works but I'm gonna try and guess, so please enjoy:

---

It starts when she's a little drunk and a little lonely.

Rosé doesn't really have... trouble when it comes to getting off. Before, she was hooking up with women left and right that she picked up at bars; but recently she's been trying this sober thing, not out of a concern for alcoholism, more because she's in her late twenties and she wants to feel clean and healthy. So that put an end to her frequent late-night, post-bar sexcapades. Instead, she does it herself, and she manages fine picturing all the things she'd like done to her while she gets herself off, though she's never picturing anyone in particular doing it. And she supposes that the sinking feeling in her chest after she orgasms and only her breaths fill the quiet in her bedroom is loneliness.

It starts at 12:14 in the morning, barely a new day in her book, when she stumbles into her apartment with a grin on her face.

Jan and Lagoona wanted to watch The Bachelor and Rosé hates that show, so she figured it wouldn't hurt to have a few sips of wine to assuage her sour mood in the name of fun. A few sips turned into a glass, and Rosé forgot that seven months of sobriety would demolish her well-crafted tolerance, until her head was swimming and it was only 11:00 and Lagoona's sofa felt more comfortable than a bed ever had. Then Jan got the ping on her phone that she had been waiting for -- Jackie wanted to hang out, which always meant sex even though Jan pretended to be clueless. Rosé and Lagoona sent Jan off with teasing and smiles; then they talked, but the talking somehow made Rosé feel alone, because the more they talked about Jan and her sex life and Lagoona and her boyfriend of the month, the more Rosé realized she was missing something very vital in her life.

Sex, intimacy, touches, fucking, love...

So Rosé stumbles into her apartment and goes to her room, which is looking a lot larger and more empty right now. Her laptop is where she left it, on top of her comforter with the screen wide open. She types in her password and opens Twitter in her browser. Lazily, she scrolls around, past the AP news, laughing at the memes, and then her interest is somewhat piqued by a thirst-trap of a busty blonde in lingerie. It's on her feed because one of her friends -- Kahmora, of all people, God -- liked it. She feels the sting of second-hand embarrassment for a moment. But that embarrassment turns first-hand when, not even consciously, she clicks on the post and scrolls down a little at the hundreds -- hundreds! -- of replies to the tweet.

The first of which is another picture posted by a different woman; her Twitter name cryptically reads Icy Spicy Princess and below her caption of "you could strap me up any day, baby" is the photo, showcasing her pouty face in the bottom right-hand corner and a good look at her cleavage below and her bare, voluptuous ass towards the back left.

Rosé can't take her eyes off of it -- it being all of the photo. She studies the woman's pretty, feminine features accentuated by winged eyeliner and a pink cut-crease, her baby-blue matched lingerie set that doesn't even pretend to cover her ass or breasts, her light brown eyes, her black hair pulled into a messy bun, the imperfection of which makes this picture and pose much hotter. Rosé can picture someone "strapping her up" in a pose like that; in fact, she sees herself situated behind the woman pounding into her with a hand in her messy hair--

Rosé clicks on her profile before she can stop herself, and she's suddenly aware that she has made it to the porn side of Twitter, somewhere she'd never dare go before.

The pinned post on the Icy Spicy Princess's profile is a series of links to various websites -- OnlyFans and Chatturbate being the two that Rosé at least recognizes -- and directly below it is a video. A video, the content of which makes Rosé gasp. It's ten seconds of the brunette, apparent owner of the profile, deep-throating a man's dick. Now, Rosé is a lesbian, but she cannot deny how sexy this woman looks with her lips wrapped around him, being used by him -- and when she clicks on the video the wet sounds of her mouth and the groan from her throat make Rosé's heart pound and her cunt throb.

She has never felt this way from porn.

Rosé knows the wine has truly gotten to her when she scrolls back up and clicks on the OnlyFans link. The profile is locked down -- of course it is, this is for income -- and Rosé has never been more thankful for the credit card autofill function that quickly and seamlessly allows her to subscribe for the $20 a month charge -- it's a good thing she has a New York City girl-boss job so that she can afford that much on the spot.

Icy Spicy Princess's OnlyFans is full of explicit, erotic content that sometimes features men, other times women; there are even some of the woman alone and pleasuring herself with toys for the camera. One of the more recent posts shows her with an array of toys laid out on her white comforter, and the caption says "Ladies' Night! Come and play with me on Chatturbate at 11:00 CST, men can look but only women can comment ;) torture, right?"

Rosé snatches her phone off of the bed and checks the time -- it's almost 12:30, the stream has been going on for thirty minutes, but she hopes -- and quickly goes back to Twitter to get the Chatturbate link. While it loads, she crosses her fingers.

The screen goes dark, and then suddenly moans fill her room and the video loads and there's Icy Spicy Princess spread out on her bed at an angle so the camera can see her breasts and her arched back and the vibrator that she's fucking into herself.

"Oh, God," Rosé whispers into the air. Her cunt throbs.

"This feels so good," the woman says, her voice higher than Rosé would have expected, but she guesses it's from the feeling of the vibrations. "I'm so close, fuck, but I need--"

The stream gets cut off by a pop-up pay wall on Rosé's screen. She can see movement from the background, but it's too blurred to make anything out, and the sounds are gone. Again, Rosé quickly makes an account under the name pinkchardonnay and pays dearly for the subscription to Icy Spicy Princess.

It's worth it, she thinks as she gets back into the stream just in time for the woman's orgasm.

Icy Spicy Princess pants as she comes down, her lovely chest moving up and down and shaking her breasts ever so slightly. "Oh, that was good." She removes the vibrator from her pussy and puts it in her mouth to lick herself off of it. Rosé's breath goes shaky. "I think we have time for one more," she says after she takes the vibrator out of her mouth and tosses it to the side. "Any suggestions?"

Rosé's fingers are moving faster than her brain. Honestly she doesn't even care what the woman does, just as long as she gets to see it and gets to come with her.

"You want to see what I can do all on my own, pinkchardonnay?" Icy Spicy Princess asks, and Rosé flushes at being called on. "It's a little vanilla, but I like it to round out our little Ladies' Night."

It feels more intimate, now that Rosé's request is being taken. She types again, sends her message in the chat telling the woman to be a good girl and come all on your own for us, baby, and then her hand slips beneath the waistband of her sweatpants in preparation for the show.

Icy Spicy Princess props a pillow behind her back and opens her legs wide for the camera. Her fingers come to her clit and start circling.

"I'll be a good girl for you." Her hips buck into her hand -- she must already be overstimulated, Rosé is impressed that she's even going for another orgasm after what must have been several -- and she gasps. Her hand is frantic. Her lips are so pouty that Rosé wants to kiss them, and she types as much in the chat with one hand while the other rubs over her own clit in time with the woman's movements.

They come together, and for a moment Rosé forgets that this is through a computer screen and that Icy Spicy Princess can't see her, doesn't even know her real name. It's the best orgasm she's had in a while -- a long while, to be exact -- and it takes her a full minute to regain her senses. In the meantime, Icy Spicy Princess has recovered and is sucking on her fingers, as is her usual method of clean-up, apparently. The mess she's made of the bed is visible even on the white comforter and she looks thoroughly fucked even though she did it all herself.

"Thanks for coming, everyone," she says with a wink. Rosé laughs to herself at the stupid, corny joke, but she can't help it. She's charmed. "The streams will be slowing down during the holidays, but I have some filmed content queued up for you on my OnlyFans. Don't forget to subscribe. I'll see you next time!"

The stream shuts off. Very quickly, Rosé's room becomes quiet and cavernous again.

She closes her computer slowly. Her head falls back onto her pillow, a little dizzy from the wine and the adrenaline rush of fucking herself with a random woman on the internet in a show. But she'd do it again, only for that woman, that Icy Spicy Princess.

Rosé goes to bed that night feeling satisfied and lonely all at once, and it's like finding Icy Spicy Princess was a blessing and a curse. She returns to normal life just as she should; goes back to her girl-boss job doing analytics for a fashion magazine, hangs out with her friends, shops for a dress for the annual work Christmas party. But every night she comes home and feels empty, and she fills the space in her brain with OnlyFans videos of Icy Spicy Princess.

Hellion

pairing: Jeonghan x female reader

genre: fluff, suggestive, idk what this is

warnings: cursing

word count: around 1.5k

A/N: Firstly, happy birthday to the Jeonghan, our con man. I know I'm a day late so forgive me for that. Secondly, I've no idea what the hell I wrote. I've cancelled two other drafts I wrote for his birthday cause none of them were coming together and in the end I've decided to post this shit. Anyway, your feedback would be really appreciated in this mess of a story :').

"What's Jeonghan doing here?" You hiss to Mingyu who has a hard time prying his eyes off of Chaeyeon. "I invited him. I never thought he'd actually come. I'm surprised too." He replies.

"Wha- why would you invite Jeonghan to my birthday party!" You glare at him to which he rolls his eyes, "Come on now, he's in our friend group. And college is almost over. You don't know when you'll see him again. Ogle him while he's still here." He smirks.

"What did you just s-"

"Oh come on, don't act like I don't know that he's your secret crush. Maybe make up with him and if you're lucky you'll get some good dick as a birthday present." Mingyu chuckles at your open mouth before scurrying away to avoid your wrath. You glare at his retreating figure before inhaling sharply. And before you can stop yourself, you start to look for him.

You spot Jeonghan at the large porch in the back of Mingyu's house, sitting in one of the porch seats while sipping beer. He looks dashing as always, his black hair messy, his pale skin glowing in the moonlight, his cheekbones getting a prominent shine. You sigh.

Jeonghan was an exhausting person to be around and maybe, he'd say the same for you. You've known him since highschool and after a particular incident of him spilling his banana milk all over your brand new scarf, you decided to call it war. To this day you believe that he did it on purpose because you told your homeroom teacher that he slept during his class.

After that it was like an unspoken rule- you two would bicker whenever you were in the same space. It only infuriated you that he was so good looking, smart, famous and the fact that you had some feelings developing for him. Each time you saw him with a girl you'd feel a bitter feeling all over and you could only hope that those feelings would pass over time. But no they didn't, they only grew- the small branches had formed a tree now, the roots planted deep in your heart.

"How long are you going to stand there and stare at me?" Jeonghan calls, without turning behind. You clear your throat before walking to him, "Didn't expect to see you here, fuck face."

"Can you not call me names for a day please? You're just jealous I'm good looking." He remarks drowning the can of beer.

You snort, "Haha. You wish, loser." You plop down beside him. "I see you've finished quite a few cans. What's up? Got ditched?" You poke him.

"What do you care?"

"You're ruining the mood here with all these sad aura around you. Go drink your sorrows away somewhere else, this is my party."

"Yet you are sitting with me and my sad auras."

"I came to tell you that," you scoff, crossing your arms over.

"Parties are not your thing, I know. And Mingyu wasn't shy on inviting people. It feels more like his birthday than yours." Jeonghan comments, still staring ahead. His words are true and they infuriate you. You can't help but get defensive, "What do you know, sad boy? I'm enjoying myself just fine."

"And yet you are sitting with me and-"

"Stop saying that, will you!" You snap. Jeonghan chuckles before looking at you. He unabashedly eyes you up and down, heating your cheeks up in the process.

"Nice dress," he murmurs. His words catch you off guard and you glare at him, "Stop staring at me, pervert."

"You were staring at me earlier."

"Seriously? Can you stop for one goddamn second?"

"You're the one who started it."

"That's it. I shouldn't have come here," you stand up to leave but to your utter surprise Jeonghan grabs your hand, sending your heart to a frenzy. "Wait."

You swallow nervously, heart thudding loudly in your chest as Jeonghan lets go of your hand and meets your eyes, "Sit down, I've a gift for you."

You frown, "You have a gift for me?" Jeonghan nods before sitting straight, setting down his can. "Before that, I need you to know something."

"W-what?"

"I really didn't spill my milk all over you intentionally that day." He meets your eyes.

You can't help but laugh out loud partially because he's still concerned about that and partially because you believe he's lying.

"Listen here, sad boy, I've put that well past me. And I know for a fact you did it on purpose so don't-"

"You didn't, ___. We've been fighting over that for our whole goddamn lives. And no, I'm not lying. I've no reason to. I never cared if you told our teacher shit or not." His chocolate orbs bore into yours and you swallow. The air surrounding you suddenly becomes thick and you start to feel jittery and maybe a slight amount of guilt. Is he really speaking the truth?

"W-whatever, I don't care anymore." You say, sitting down gently beside him.

"And yet you still hold a grudge against me," Jeonghan sighs. "Besides you're not even fun to fight with."

"What did you say?"

He laughs, his eyes forming crescents and the sweet melody echoing in the air. You quickly look away before he catches you staring, "I don't have all day. Where's my gift?"

"Yeah, right." From beside him he produces a bag that you didn't notice before. He hands it to you and you tentatively peek in, half expecting a bug to jump out.

To your utter surprise, a scarf that looks identical to the one he ruined lies there. A small gasp leaves your mouth.

"I bought it that day after I stained yours. I was going to give this to you as an apology but dear lord, you were on my ass the second I got to class next day." Jeonghan speaks and a blush coats your cheek leaving you feel vulnerable all of a sudden.

"I don't know what to say," You whisper more to yourself. Jeonghan chuckles, "I know, you're touched. It's okay, we're even finally."

You bite your lip and exhale loudly before meeting his eyes, "Thanks." Jeonghan moves his hand in a dismissive wave. "I thought I'd finally give it you, call it a truce. We'll probably never see each other again after this month and I wanted to depart on good terms."

Your throat constricts, an overwhelming sadness enveloping you. He's right, you two would probably never see each other again. His dad owns a huge business and he'd probably go abroad to manage it.

"You're right, let's call it a truce," you whisper staring at the scarf in your lap.

"Come on now, don't look so sad, sad girl," Jeonghan teases you and you roll your eyes. He's still the same.

He hands you a beer, "Have a drink with me to sign the truce." You quietly laugh, taking the can from him. You two share a comfortable silence, staring at the night sky, the music from the party fading into the background until Jeonghan decides to break it.

"I know you like me, ___." The words slip past his lips like it's the most casual thing ever. You choke on your beer before looking at him eyes wide like saucers, "W-what!"

Jeonghan slightly turns to face you, his features calm, "You don't have to act. I've known all along."

Oh. My. God.

Heat spreads all over your face like wildfire. Your first thought is that Mingyu told him. You chew your lip as you see no way out. "W-who told you?" You squeak.

"I've figured it out myself," He says nonchalantly, resting his head on his hand as you stares at you.

"You-you did?"

"Mhmm."

You fumble with the hem of your dress before murmuring out, "I-I should get going." You need to escape him. Forever.

But Jeonghan isn't done. He casually goes on, "I've always thought you were pretty. Even when you get red after losing an argument." You blush furiously as your palms sweat.

"You know I really had no intention of picking a fight with you but you...you were so desperate to bring me down. You always speak too much and I often think about the many ways I could shut your loud mouth. Such a shame, we would've made a great couple."

Your face feels like it's on fire by now. You swallow before nervously laughing, "I s-see what you're doing here...You're trying to p-prank me, asshole."

Jeonghan runs a hand through his hair, sighing, "See? There you go again, running that damn mouth." Your lips press together as you clench your fists, thinking of a way out. In the blink of an eye Jeonghan scoots closer to you and leans in to capture your lips in a kiss.

A squeak leaves your mouth as Jeonghan tilts your head, cupping your cheek. You want to pull back, smack him, call him names but you can only moan as his mouth slots against yours perfectly. Your tongues clash as you grab a fistful of Jeonghan's shirt, moaning.

When you pull back for air, you're mortified, wanting to be swallowed up by the ground. Jeonghan is totally calm as he takes in your messy state licking his lips.

"Do you want to continue?"

"W-wh-what?"

"I said do you want to continue this? If you don't want to I'll leave. If you do then you're coming home with me. Which one is it gonna be, ___?"

You bite your lip. Oh my God. This can't be happening.

You grit your teeth as every ounce of your resolve disappears, "I...I want you."

The smile on Jeonghan's face is victorious, a smile you've seen million times before, a smile that makes you week in the knees. "Good girl." He says encasing your lips in another kiss before standing up holding out his hand. "Come along, sweetheart. I'm gonna ruin you for any other man. Even when it's morning you'll only be thinking about me," he whispers in your ear before tugging you out of the porch- your heart hammering in your chest as you squeeze the scarf on your hand.

Fuck, you owe Mingyu a fruit basket or some shit now.

A/N 2: Also, that video of Jeonghan exercising made me 🥵🥵 this man is so infurating. I was literally dehydrated from watching that video.

Daily Blog #15: August 22, 2021

Dollar Tree is honestly pretty fucking awesome 👌👌👌

I set my alarm for like 6:25 this morning, but it took 6 minutes for the "Horsin' Around" theme song instrumental to wake me up. I was pretty tired lol. I just dismissed it and went back to sleep.

I only went back to sleep because I knew I had another alarm set for 7:00. That got me up.

I should mention that this was still in the RV over an hour away from the house.

After I got up, I went to go get a shower, and did so successfully.

Unfortunately, I had forgotten my brush this time and had to do it afterwards after my hair had a bit of time to dry, which did make it a little more difficult lol.

I got dressed and grabbed my stuff, putting it into my car.

I made it a point to see and say "see you later" to my grandparents before I left for the flea market.

My dad insisted that I stayed to say goodbye to my mom, so I left.

I did NOT have cell service up there, as was mentioned in my previous 2 blogs of which I could only post today, so finding my way was a tiny bit difficult until I got some service to ask Google to take me to "...".

It worked and I got there.

On my drive, I listened to 1 by Simple Kid, a CD I had previously purchased at a Dollar Tree location.

I got a call from the guy at the flea market saying that I had some people there waiting for me. He asked how far away I was, to which I said "about 10 minutes." Ironically, that call made me miss my exit, as Google couldn't talk during the call, and added about 3 minutes to my arrival time lmao.

I did sell the Xbox that he said someone was interested in. I got $40 for it. I spent 27¢ on it. Pretty good return if you ask me.

I couldn't sell it with anything other than a power cord because the controller and AV cables I had been using to play it there were for my personal console. I'm just glad I can actually hook my Xbox up and stop having to drag them to the flea market along with a small library of games.

Not too long after I sold the Xbox, someone came in and asked if I wanted to see some electronics he had in his car. I went out with him. It was a pair of 3ft speakers and a Pioneer audio system with dual cassette decks (although neither of them works) and a 25 Disc CD-changer, as well as the standard AM/FM tuner. Additionally, there was a Fisher amplifier and AM/FM tuner as well as a Fisher Direct Drive turntable. He said he wanted $60 for em, but before that he casually, and probably accidentally, dropped that he was just gonna take em to the thrift store.

Big mistake.

I got em for $35 lmao. THERE GOES MOST OF MY PROFIT.

Oh well.

I tested everything. As I mentioned, the cassette decks don't work, but everything else does apart from the turntable needing a new stylus.

I posted some new photos of the shop to Facebook, and someone soon DMed me about a stereo system.

I priced everything, and it turns out I have about $300 worth of equipment from that deal, the Fisher amp and tuner being worth about $150.

The buyer will hopefully show up next weekend, for he wants to buy the Fisher stuff ($185 with the turntable), the 3ft speakers, an 8-track deck, and a Kenwood deck we've had for a week or two.

The speakers are listed for $50 (and are worth around $100-150), the Kenwood Deck for $50 as well, and the 8-track for $35. That makes it about $320 in equipment. Since he's buying so much, I'll knock it down to $270 and essentially give him the speakers or cassette deck for free lol.

Apart from that stuff, not much happened at the flea market. I sold some records, cassettes, CDs and I think 2 DVDs. One person bought a VHS tape? That money was the other guy's though. Oh well xD.

I can't say that I didn't miss my wonderful partner while on the trip. I actually brought along the stuffed animal they gave me (who's name is Greg) and snuggled with him both nights.

I was very happy to hear from them UwU.

They let me rant and I let them rant.

I honestly give them too much responsibility over me xD. I'm like, "Okay, I'm gonna do this. HOLD ME TO IT."

I know I can't hold myself to anything I personally say (this blog being the only exception apparently), but I listen to them pretty well I think 🤔. If they tell me, "No, you don't need that VCR," so long as it's not some weird specialty thing, like a worldwide VCR 🥵, I'll be like "Yeah, you rite bro."

I love you man xD. You control my craziness pretty well. I'm so thankful for you UwU.

#relationshipgoals

So part way through the flea market day, I went over to Dollar Tree to buy some snack, but ended up looking through the CDs to see if there was anything good. I took photos of about 18 CDs and flipped through them online for the remainder of the flea market day.

I deleted the photos of the ones I didn't want and kept those that I liked. Surprisingly, I ended up buying 13 CDs there, but not before dropping them on the floor like the dumbass I am.

Also, sorry for all the nerd shit I spilled on your lap earlier. No one cares about amps and tuners xD.

I'M LISTENING TO ONE OF THE DOLLAR TREE CDS RIGHT NOW THO.

I already transferred over to my online library on iBroadcast and put the disc into my CD changer, which is now holding 164 CDs.

Its max capacity is 300 discs 🥵

WHY AM I NERD

Oh well

I like being a nerd gurl

Also maybe a technosexual 👀

I get really excited over some electronics. Like. REALLY excited.

Some editing VCRs are like "Holy shit that is SEXY. Look at those goddamn VU meters 🥵. And hhhh there are like 7 inputs on this thing and individual controls for left and right audio gain, not to mention Hi-Fi S-VHS recording. Hhhhhhhhhhh please gimme 😭. Why are you so expensive?"

I uh, mean, uh, *cough* look, pretty lights.

Oh yeah, I was gonna say the album I was listening to xD. MAN I GOT SIDETRACKED.

It's 37 Everywhere by Punchline. Def give it a listen; it's pretty heccin good.

Another notable album I picked up was Page One by Steven Page. I very much like the first track, "A New Shore." It's quite catchy and he has a great voice imo.

Also at dollar tree, I bought a regular bag of Fieras and 2 bags of Fieras Sticks, which were marked down to 75¢/bag because they're expiring soon.

I honestly like the generic Dollar Tree version of Takis more than actual Takis. They're a lot more flavorful when it comes to the lime, but also hotter at the same time.

Don't get the hot nacho ones tho. Hot nacho? More like hot pile of shit.

HAH

Goteem.

They're not that good xD.

THE REGULAR ONES ARE FIRE THO

"How do you do fellow kids?"

I got home and started working on putting the CDs onto my computer, and then onto iBroadcast, but not without first adding The Music Man to my digital library, something I had neglected for a month or two. The CD had just been sitting there lol.

I also switched my digital file for "The Black Parade" to that of the uncensored CD, which I had purchased before I event started working over 2 months ago.

MAN I'M LAZY

I eventually get around to shit tho lol. I guess it's just a matter of priority.

What usually takes priority is digging through everything to find something that I forgot about but then remembered, making a mess in the process that I would then have to clean up, at least partially.

I think the album just ended. I've been writing for a while xD. I'ma start "I Made You Something" by The Island of the Misfit Toys.

I'll tell you where that album came from in a minute.

In the meantime, where was I?

I kinda lost my train of thought despite reading up to see where I was. Oh well. On I go.

I ate dinner and kept working on those CDs, eventually putting my clothes from the week into the washer.

I FORGOT TO PUT MY SHAPING UNDERWEAR IN. FUCKING HELL MAN.

I wanted to wash em for this week 😭

No tight pants for Leonna I guess qwq.

Meanwhile, the box of my CD album cases is overflowing. I need another box.

I keep all of the album artworks in a big CD folder. That's almost full.

I wanna fill my entire CD changer. That's one of my big goals in life. Idk why, but I just wanna legitimately fill the entire thing.

My clothes are in the dryer now. I don't think I have the time (or energy) to fold them tonight. I'll leave that for tomorrow morning before work.

And God. Fucking. Damnit. I start school again on Wednesday. NOT looking forward to that, and neither are my 2 coworkers. We already have low enough staff, but only the two of them working is gonna be a pain in the ass.

I'll still work Saturdays.

I need to contact my guidance counselor to get out of the gym class I signed up for. I scheduled this shit before I found out I was trans, and I don't wanna deal with the fucking locker room situation 🙄 I have far more important matters.

Okay so anyway, the album I'm listening to came from a cassette. I bought this cassette a few months ago at the flea market along with a few others. The reason I bought them? They were all newer cassette releases from the 2010's, and they're all actually pretty good music from very indie bands.

Currently getting mad at iBroadcast's compression algorithm. It's unnaturally fucking anything over -10db up. Oh well, there's not really anything I can do about it.

I have like 13GB of music on my phone btw. That's about 3.5k songs on 268 albums.

I'm kind of an audiophile, but I'm too cheap to pay for a lossless service. Oh well.

They do actually have a lossless service on iBroadcast, but once again, too cheap.

Someone just sent me a friend request who legitimately posted that BLM and the democratic party are hate groups.

BLOCK.

Goodbye ho.

I don't get that. They call the democratic party a hate group when they hate people like me, and I, being more of a democrat although not fully because the 2-party system is fucked, think nothing more of them than they're very wrong about certain things, especially, as shown, that black people, as well as asian, Indian, native, and people of all ethnicities and backgrounds, are not equal to white people.

Yeh.

Totally.

You go buddy.

Anyway, yeah, I can, and do, convert music and video from analog formats to digital files in order for me to archive and listen to whenever and wherever I please. I've actually made a bit of a business out of it, but I don't get too much work from it. At least I'm not overloading myself xD.

I honestly have so much more to say, but I should probably go to sleep soon.

A few final shoutouts to the following people and companies:

-Dollar Tree

-Steven Page

-Broken World Media

-The Island of Misfit Toys

-Simple Kid

-Punchline

-My incredible partner QwQ I love you so much. Thanks for being the best all the time. I hope I can give you the best life ever.

Anyway I suppose this is goodnight. Lmk if you want a full list of the CDs I bought today! I'll link that song by Steven Page here.

And here's a good song from Simple Kid

I really like music lol. Enjoy these pieces.

Anyway, goodnight lol.

Lots of love,

-Leonna.

Grace & Ava

Grace: you okay babes???! Ava: The furthest from without actually being 💀 Grace: Oh my god what even?! aren't you at that uni thing? Ava: For a few more hours yet, give me strength Ava: Last night was Ava: nah Grace: last night was a sorority girl horror 📽🎞 or like ??? Ava: Allegedly a thing but I've yet to see anyone rocking a skinhead without it being a Choice™ Ava: So, everyone else did go to the 📽🎞 last night but I pulled a sickie 'cos Ava: well, that can do one as a concept but also Ava: Are you sure you even want this? It's a whole saga, like 🙄😫 Grace: duh x 10000 Grace: there's nothing anyone can tell me about mean girls 🔪💔 we can skip 📽🎞 when I've IRL lived it Grace: & obvs! talk to me I'm BEYOND concerned Ava: There are no mean girls Ava: and I think the shit I pulled is beyond a Regina level even Grace: UM no way are you casting yourself 👑 thanks! what happened?! Ava: Sorry but you can try and come for the 👑 after I tell you Ava: So they get current pupils to show you around, do the tour, answer questions, do the whole programme with you, right? Ava: Must be good extra credit or whatever, anyway Ava: There's this guy, and the whole time there's this total...vibe, you know? And I'm not delusional or sad like that, its an actual thing but I know him, know of him Ava: so I know why I should just ignore it, but instead when everyone is out, I DM him Grace: excuse you bitch I'm literally reformed but like putting that ASIDE cos this is so much more IMPORTANT!😱😱 Grace: so are we talking a phoneful of regret or IRL walk of shame? Ava: We talked for a while, so I have literal evidence it wasn't just one-sided but truly do not wanna be that girl but like, I swear Ava: anyway, we did go out, properly and it was Ava: so good Ava: but then he had to go and now I have to die Grace: duh it was 😍😍😍 I know what a vibe means Grace: he has a gf yeah? honey we've ALL done it don't even stress he's obvs not that into her Ava: No its Ava: more complex Ava: there's Ava: well, he's married Ava: but he's not as old as that makes him sound but yeah, clearly quite into her Grace: Ew! What's with everyone getting 💍👰 Grace: if Janis gets proposed to I'm kmsing Grace: it doesn't sound that complex though babes, don't let this family fool you, 💔💍 is such a thing™ Ava: Can't see it myself Ava: they are cute though Ava: of course but I'm not out here doing that myself, that's Buster's bread and butter, not mine Ava: they have kids as well, two Grace: 🙄🤢 Grace: totally but we literally NEVER have to tell her or them that shh Grace: well that explains it 🤰👰💍 he probs doesn't even love her Ava: My lips are sealed Ava: One of them is like...6 or something and the other is a baby so there's like no excuse Ava: It didn't come to anything more than a kiss but I'm mortified Grace: 6? How old is he?! Ava: Again, not as old as that makes him sound Ava: 22 ish, in his last year Grace: THANK GOD! I was literally picturing like a hot 40 Ava: Somehow that would be less complicated Ava: Unless he was a friend of my parents or something but not trying to hit every cliche before I even start Uni Grace: UGH! remember when I went to the fair with that lad who turned out to be 19 & everyone lost it like I was being groomed 🙄 Grace: such a drama Grace: this seriously doesn't sound that bad Grace: either he's bored of her or having his 🍰 & 😋 Grace: who stopped it at 😘😘? Ava: Well, he did turn out to be a creep didn't he Ava: but he could've been a 15 year old creep as easily, I see your point Ava: He did Ava: his phone kept going off Ava: it must've been her Grace: yeah & like I totally worked it out for myself from reading the vibe Grace: same as you last night Grace: 😱😱😱 Grace: did he answer? did you literally have to sit there 🤐!!! Ava: I think I might've got the vibe seriously wrong Ava: well, no Ava: I don't know Ava: we were in a club, he couldn't Ava: but we left real quick and he hasn't looked at me today so that's been fun Grace: oh girl please Grace: trust, as someone who has gotten the vibe wrong WAY more times than we need to admit outside of this convo, you so didn't Grace: he's having a freakout, we've ALL been there too, yeah? Ava: Clearly Ava: 😂 Ava: Oh God Ava: I just need to pretend this never happened and peace Grace: come over Grace: we'll go out & make some new drama happen Grace: soon as you do, you'll know if he's bothered Ava: Sounds good Ava: If I didn't have two other Unis to hit before Summer officially starts 🙄 Grace: OMG you're so extra Ava: Rude 😂 Ava: Not as if I can go here now, is it? Ava: I'm burning through options, girl Grace: ILY for it 💜 Grace: did you wanna go there for real? Ava: Not hugely Ava: it was in my top 5 but its definitely not 🥇 Grace: 🤷💅 Grace: it was obvs a 🏆💋 so Ava: seriously Ava: though I'm probably gonna find out that he's made time for every girl on this program Grace: did you pick up on any other vibes? Ava: I don't think so Ava: He did say other girls were flirting with him though Grace: 😂 boys always say that Grace: literally will have been hitting refresh waiting on you 💬 Ava: Or, they really were and that was a subtle dig that I just ignored Ava: 🤡🤡 Grace: ugh don't Grace: nobody's looked hotter the morning after babes Grace: he'd be the 🤡 Ava: Minus the HP🗲 scar Ava: idk where that came from, which doesn't bode well for how trashed I must've been Grace: if he was as wasted maybe he doesn't remember & that's why he blanked you cos everything is Grace: 👋 been there Ava: I wish Ava: like I said, we know each other Grace: do you know his 👰? Ava: 😶 Ava: Just kill me now Grace: has he posted anything? Ava: About how much he 💕 his wife and kids? Ava: Fuck knows Grace: well yeah or idk how wasted he was Grace: anything to go on Ava: His 👰 would not approve Grace: if he doesn't have like a private snap he's no 💔 Ava: Wasn't my first question Ava: Probably does but bit late to ask now Grace: you literally could Grace: cringe but no more cringe than running into him playing happy families when you go get coffee Ava: I'm just gonna leave it Ava: Not a moment too soon Grace: 👌👌💜 Ava: When the alcohol leaves my system my head will be less 🤯 Ava: Standard Grace: his too though Grace: maybe he'll come to you Grace: 🤞 yeah or 🤞 no? Ava: I don't know what I want Ava: or feel about any of it Ava: It's better to just assume nah, a pleasant surprise is always better than disappointment Grace: mhmm Ava: Shut up Ava: I'm confused and hungover, I don't know anything 🙄😏 Grace: no shade Ava: I know Ava: This is too extra Ava: even from me, right Grace: you can wear the 👑 until I earn it back Grace: cos duh who's more extra Grace: me, this hoe Ava: 😂 I'm ready for it Grace: you gotta let me have it there's no 😘💖😍 in my 🔮 Ava: Not even a little? Grace: there was a little but it got too much Grace: too close to being like Grace: I can't Grace: I'm out Ava: I don't think it's all it's cracked up to be, honestly Grace: makes me feel like I'm cracking up Grace: no thanks Ava: Preaching to the converted today Grace: 🙌 Ava: I'll definitely come over some point this Summer though Grace: YAY Grace: I so need you Ava: I think me and the 'rents are going the first two weeks, then I'm going with my friends the last two Ava: so sometime in the middle to play with Grace: ugh if only my mum and dad were organised about anything ever Grace: god knows when or where they'll spring a hol 🙄🙄 Ava: All fun and games Ava: least you get more space these days, I guess Grace: if they're gonna be annoying I'll just bring you with 🤷 Ava: Three holidays would be a record Grace: hot older lad who?! 😂 Grace: Brazil is on another level Ava: If there's sun and sea, I'm happy Grace: you'll be sooo 😊 Ava: 😘 Grace: 💜 Ava: I did not think that would be such a rant Ava: IOU a coffee, I'll ping you the funds rn forreal Grace: As if! like I've NEVER done you that way Grace: shhh Ava: It's done Ava: Consider it a reminder we need a proper catch up when my head is less fried Grace: 👌👌 fine Ava: Don't be mad, it is essential some good happens today Grace: It's fine babes, promise Ava: Good Ava: I better try and finish this essay thing Ava: Or at least make a better start Grace: or at least get yourself a coffee & put some lipstick on Ava: Cheers, I know I look clapped 😂 Grace: shut up Grace: you do not! Ava: I wouldn't wanna chat to me either tbh Grace: Girl, stop Grace: this convo has been wild & I'm living Ava: I meant him, not you 😉 Ava: Only subjected socials to one pic, like Grace: well duh he wants to kiss you again not have a chat Grace: if you wanna talk you'll have to Grace: there's only one kind of convo lads ever start Ava: Hmm Ava: Have better luck with this essay than thinking of something worth saying Grace: what do you wanna say? Grace: like if you could just Ava: Christ Ava: firstly, what the fuck? Grace: he can't shade you for starting there Ava: Though I initiated it so, ugh Grace: he didn't have to go along with any of it Grace: his wife & kids were literally waiting at home for him so Grace: you like deserve to know if there are other girls or not Ava: What's more insane though Ava: asking around every girl on this course, or asking him Ava: There are definite drawbacks either way from where I'm sitting Grace: you said you know him, how much does he lie? Grace: asking him will be more than cringe if you can't believe a word, it'll be pointless Ava: I don't know him like that but Ava: I suppose I've heard that he's a typical lad in most regards so Grace: yeah Ava: but that's from one source so Ava: who's to say they're 100% reliable Grace: right Grace: I'll stalk the other girls, obvs am insane so Ava: No Ava: 'cos then I'll have to tell you who he is Ava: and it'll all get out of hand Grace: OMG do I know him??! Ava: How would you? Ava: 'course not Grace: then why does it matter if you tell me or not? Ava: I'll sort it myself Grace: Ava Grace: is it already out of hand? Ava: That'd depend on who you asked too Grace: I'm asking you Ava: I've got this Grace: promise Ava: 🤞 Grace: 👌

May 15 con't

So, this is S. I don't think I've written about him before. I met him through fb dating. lol. I put myself there just cuz I was curious, and mostly bored. But he swiped for me, and I swiped back. I don't remember what we talked about on there, but he asked for my snap. So, we've been friends since Dec 1 2021. (I checked lol). We haven't even spoke that much on there either. We both thought nothing would come out of it. (Nothing has still technically hahah). Probably starting in February we would reply to each other's pics shared, mostly him to me, cuz he barely posts anything. And I don't remember how exactly it went though. But I do remember him talking about meeting twice, then standing me up the next day. He would say things, then not follow through. (Now, that I'm writing about this, I realize how dumb everything is gonna sound lol). I remember one time specifically, I was excited. He told me he'd be free anytime after 5pm, March 2nd, cuz he worked. But we didn't talk that whole day, but I was still expecting that he would. But nothing. That whole day. I cried that night. I remember going through something, but can't remember what specifically, but that was the breaking point. I was hurt, and felt even more shittier about myself. I think he ended up texting the next day, like nothing happened. And I ended up replying like nothing bothered me. And we carried on lol. The next day, March 3rd is the first time he came pick me up. I was at my sister J's apartment. (She was in the city for 3 months for therapy. She's gone now, but now why her daughter is staying with me for going to school at this high school... total side note). We finally agreed to meet that night. He picked me up at 930. I remember freaking out that whole time. Scared to actually go out to meet him. But I did. We drove around till like 3 or 4 in the morning. It was fine. We met another time after that and did the same thing. Drove around till we couldn't anymore. Next time, we went out to eat at a restaurant. Then, a few more times after that, we met up (unintentionally mostly) at the casino lol. Last time I physically seen him, though, was like a month ago. Smh. And the dumbest shit ever is, we've never kissed. Or hugged. Or anything. Which is why, I said all of this is going to sound so dumb. You're probably wondering why I would even have the nerve to keep things going as they are lol. I know I do sometimes. The thing is, I like him. Like, genuinely. I kept saying I was waiting for the guy that would make me feel excited, and he is it. Which is so annoying. But, he's shy lol. The conversations we've had was us admitting we liked each other, but him saying he was busy but it would happen in time. I was going to give up on him multiple times, but he always got me the next time he got the nerve to message. lol. We're similar in a lot of ways. He's Cree, like me. He's a year older. Sober. 2 kids. Single for over 2 yrs though. Same career field. Traditional/cultural, like I'm tryna be lol. And handsome. But annoyingly shy. lol. I could tell when we were together, that he was nervous. I thought it was cute. And I should have made the first move then, but now it just feels weird. Like, Idek what to do either haha. I've never had to be the first one. Last night I asked him questions about things, and refused to accept his idks all the time. He admitted that he's been afraid and might have ptsd from past relationships. I said same. But we didn't go into detail. I told him that I think that he's a decent person, and he should have some sort of idea that I'm not a shady person. He also admitted that he's never been this way about a girl. Never been this nervous. Like, maybe he's intimidated by me? But I wouldn't even know why? Maybe he just really likes me and doesn't know how to respond to that? Fuck if I know. But I'm frustrated. And tired of being patient, even tho he wants me to be. Like, wtf. I feel dumb, when I have to explain this situationship to other people, or even to myself. Never have I ever been put in this position. Just humbled me.

I don't know what is next. Or if I should keep this going. This just really sucks, cuz I like him. But then again, what goes through my mind is "if he wanted to he fucken would". Right???? Idk. Going to bed moody again lol. It's 1am. School day for kids. Oh, and interview on Tuesday for a job! Will update soon. Cuz there's another aspect I wanna write about. Toodles for now.

1, 10, 12, 19 for the ask game YES ❤❤❤

AAAAA hi :):):) <3 thank you so much for encouraging me to do these they're so fun!!! & thanks for asking, too :):):)

1. fave fic you wrote this year?

answered this in the last ask, but definitely the tsukki blind date <3 be still my tiny heart!!! runner up is probably our beloved ENNOSHITA blind date wait now im uncertain i feel like you're an ennoshita lover and we've fangirled over him before but correct me if im mixing that up lol. I also kinda like the concept and back & forth banter of that shirabu one I wrote the other day he is another snarky snarky man.... do I maybe... have a type??? and im proud of myself for writing a little something longer with that one idk about the actual writing tho... eeek!! anyway sorry everyone that all I write are blind dates hahahaha :)<3 someone send me on one and maybe I'll shut up about them :) <3

10. shortest wip of the year?

hahahaha I genuinely dont know what counts as a wip bc I just write down ideas in my notes app when I think of them, so I really have some that are just like. Kenma's name with the names of a few songs, and im like ok. I'll come back to this later hahahahaha. but as for like fics ive actually started, sheesh I dont know and im too lazy to go fact check myself so im just going off the top of my head here haha. I have one that's just a lil timestamp/ficlet about studying with Kuroo that has been in my head FOREVER and I've made several notes on it but just never really sat down and written the thing now that im thinking of it maybe you'll see it in the next few days lol

12. fave character to write about this year?

tsukki, but again, I think the runner up might be good ol director ennoshita :):):):)<3<3<3<3

19. any new fics to start next year?

next year depending on what's going on in my life I think I might wanna start trying to do longer fics or series, so there's one ficlet ive already written that I'd really like to turn into something I update every so often, and ive planned the plot all out in my head hahahaha so that's one yes i will take guesses on which it is :):) and then I also have that suna one that I wrote the beginning of and never posted nor returned to, so perhaps one of those two will be on the horizon...

ask me about my fics from the past year!