#i'm tired you're lonely
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It's an accident, the first time that happens. Mav knocks because he needs sugar and stays over because Ice is watching a new movie he didn't get to catch on the big screen. It's two in the afternoon, and Ice is pleasantly warm against his shoulder.
Slider wakes them up four hours later and laughs because "I only woke you up because I was hungry and Tom promised dinner".
And so the saga of them falling asleep on the couch starts just to end on the bed because four weeks in Ice's back is protesting and he promises Mav is bed is way more comfortable and there are pillows.
(Mav ends up using Ice's chest as a pillow instead. Doesn't matter where they are sleeping.)
((They kiss, just as accidentally, one morning almost seven months in their arrangement when Ice turns around and Mav gives him a pec on his nose, eyes still close and humming satisfied before hiding his face against Ice's necks. Ice kisses his forehead and gets back to sleep. It opens a door to whole other accidents made over a shared cups of coffee and Mav wearing Ice's shirt as pj's.)
#i'm tired you're lonely#icemav#tom iceman kazansky#pete maverick mitchell#accidental cuddling#cuddling and snuggling#softness#intimacy#sharing clothes#friends to lovers#-> kinda
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I don't fully know yet where i stand on romance but i do know about friendship. And i know that if i die never having been in a relationship i still had people i would drive across states for, i still had people who would stay up all night with me talking and laughing, i had people i wanted to go grocery shopping with, i had people i knew had my back no matter what, i had people that i was excited to meet every day, i had people i wanted to hug tight and hold close, i had people i would cook meals for, i had people who made me feel safe just by being there, i had people who celebrated my wins and stuck with me through my losses.
If i never fall in love i know i had people i was in love with anyway, if i die single i know i won't be dying alone.
#rambling#i guess#aromantic#kinda? I'm definitely on the spectrum i just don't know where#friendship#friends#i just tired of the narrative that if you're single you must be lonely#and the fear people have of dying alone which almost translates to dying single#uk#??#queer#grayromantic#aro#arospec#almost always*
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sleepy time or something like that
#i hope i wake up at 3 am then at 5 am just to see that it is in fact *not* morning#i mean 5 am is almost morning#also pointedly not thinking about how i realized i don't understand human connection#like. at all#and it feels too late#because everyone around me has someone#and i'm just. there#and i'm so tired of thinking about this every day#but i'm lonely#but i don't like the people around me#and i feel the way i'm looked at#and i don't know of it's made up by my brain or not#can someone hold me maybe#like when you're little and your parent is supposed to hug you and validate your feelings and tell you that it's okay to cry#and that it will be alright#because it feels like it never will be anything close to alright#and i'm scared#and so so sad#and it's all stuck inside me#i'm sorry#this is just a tad pathetic
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Stuff in tags, only wanna semi-scream into the void
...
#nils talking#feeling very tired after this week#the start was so full of uncertainty and while a bit of relief has set in#I'm just drained#tomorrow I'll be visiting a friend for a semi-regular thing and I'm not really in the mood#but I also don't wanna cancel so I hope I'll just feel better tomorrow than I did the last few days#bc I do feel kinda lonely rn and like I'm treading water#I need change and closure and I won't get it before the year is over#too many variables too much that still needs to happen first#but there could be smaller changes that are less drastic#connections that don't need to be for a long time but rather beautiful moments#or a deepening of connections I already have but which are very marginal#at the moment I see both potential within me but also my current limits and limitations#anyway I just hope that the next few months will bring happiness and progress for me#I don't wish to fade away into the background#I want to try my best at making an impact and being remembered fondly#to not just be the awkward fat person that stood in the corner of the party#or who was just a random fellow student or coworker#I hate feeling powerless but it's so difficult to change things when you lack the energy#sorry about this if you read this you're entitled to compensation#also for the record I don't recommend looking up what former classmates are doing a decade after graduating school#it's a mostly depressing affair
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ffs.
#never do online school genuinely the worst fucking mistake I've ever made.#if you're going to do it it should be a short term thing#or you should do a hybrid program where you can go in some days and stay at home others.#don't do full online.#it's fucking lonely.#you have no way to make friends irl and it's isolating#and the teachers are negligent#your parents will act like they're entitled to all your time#you'll still get judged for being stressed because “you do online you're barely even doing anything!!”#im so tired#i just wanna feel like a person again.#I'm tired of seeing it romanticized. no full online program is fucking good. none of them.
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Feeling social if anyone wants to send me asks 🥺👉👈
#and by social i mean lonely#I've been sick for almost two weeks now and I'm so tired ahhh#or if you don't wanna ask tell me something happy that happened to you#hope you're all doing okay
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SaL anon here bestie and, well, that episode happened. I have a lot of thoughts, that I'm sure we'll get to, but if I had to summarize I'd say KR looked at the only successful thing in S5 (meaning Eddie's storyline) and in all her originality decided to do it for Buck, but put it through a half cutoff funhouse mirror and we got THAT. I'll have more to rant about later but for tonight let's take a break and enjoy wedding planning shenanigans over on LS (please LS, i need some fun). Good luck 🍹🍸
Guuuuuurl. This episode. I haaaaate that we got TOP TIER acting, from Oliver and Peter especially, and some really cool framing and camera angels and an interesting *concept*, and then the WHOLE episode was let down at every turn by the writing not making any sense and contradicting its own narrative within the episode! Like, pick a lane! It was so weird!
I am READY to sit and watch LS with zero thoughts and just relax because damn. How are you going to take something as simple as "Buck has a found family that loves him and doesn't need validation from his parents or to save others to be worthy of love" and bungle it THAT badly? Add to that the incompetent twitter girlies who don't know the difference between 85 people leaving a fan rating on the fan rating website, and official TV viewership ratings showing how many people tuned in (hint! It wasn't the Buddie stans that didn't show), plus the typical you're stupid if you don't Get It crowd, and I am tiiiiiired.
Can we all just admit that the cast is great but the showrunner is shit and consequently drags everything down?
ANYWAY
Yes, time for LS fun, wedding planning shenanigans and I'm gonna go work on a puzzle and then sleep because this time change fuuuucks me up. Can't wait to hear the rest of your thoughts!
#my sweet nonnie friends#sleeping at last anon#911#911 spoilers#lone star spoilers#bestie i can't i'm so tired#remember when i thought we would get to do learning curve for this episode? 😭😭😭#not even from a buddie perspective but from a buck perspective it was so close!#but nah gotta let those toxic parents pretend they never hurt you so everyone can get along and if you don't you're the problem!#i gotta shut it before i get too mad again#can they stop doing my favorite character dirty? oliver doesn't deserve this and neither do i
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hiding out in my Ryoma corner and avoiding Danganronpa fans on Twitter 🧯🛡️
#bit of a rant/vent about my day in the tags so feel free to filter out the // rant tag#// rant#i'm honestly so tired of the constant 'V3 bad' discourse that constantly appears in the fandom#like we get it!! you don't like it!#almost every month it's the same thing again and it's extremely exhausting#and the fighting/arguments that occur because of it is depressing#i know it's just a video game but honestly it needs to go#i just want to celebrate a fictional character's birthday in peace#not that they're celebrating the day before like they did with kokichi :/#for context it's currently ryoma's birthday in japan and i've seen nothing on the western side#i'm like the only one who really cares and it feels lonely#then again drtwt isn't very fun#the danganronpa topic section is just the same type of content over and over#also it's chock full of outside people being mad about the games existing#like it doesn't matter if you're critical of dr or not you're still gonna be put in the hot seat#which isn't fair#like why do i get punished#anyways i'm tired i just want my tennis blorbo in my brain all day#long post#sorry
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hey i just wanted to tell you that even though i don't know your exact feelings, i can relate a lot to what you've expressed on here... life is very tiring, it's okay to acknowledge that. i won't even pretend that things will get better because who knows and it won't feel like a possibility when you're as down as you say. i get that. i feel the same way right now. if it's any comfort to you, you're not alone in those feelings or thoughts and i know it takes a lot to be vulnerable about it. please forgive me if i'm overstepping by even messaging you about this. i do hope things will get brighter for you, i hope you can find even small things to keep you going. i'm sure one day it'll be different, i want to believe it will anyway. i personally enjoy your presence here and i look forward to whatever content you create, and seeing you find joy in the same group as me is nice. take care friend, do what you can. i'm sending you love
🫂🤍🌙 You're not overstepping at all;; I really appreciated your kind words 😞🖤 It means a lot to me genuinely I appreciate it... I hope that you too start to feel a little warmer and happier as the days go on... Take care of yourself as well ☹️🖤
#i feel so lonely i guess that's the hardest part of it all right 🥲#because no one around me really understands how i feel#of course it helps knowing i'm not insane in my feelings...#i hate feeling hopeless and sorry for myself like this... 😞 i hate being miserable 24/7 you know... i know i sound so annoying complaining#every day that i wish i were dead like 😕 i feel bad for the ppl around me who have to deal with me...#idk 😞 im just so tired ah...#anyway 😞💗 thanku for being so sweet i really appreciated your kind words...#i am sending you a (chan voice) big hug ☹️🖤#wish i could do more to make you smile but 🫂 hopefully you know you're also not alone... at least you know the loser known as chrisbangs li#is also kinda down in the dumps and supporting you 😿🫶#anon#answered
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i love perdev sm
#🌙.rambles#my fav class fr#;;; adolescence huh. period between childhood n adulthood... pressure. decisions.#oh man 'is it easy being an adolescent' i have sm to say on that but i'm too tired to speak rn#i'm too tired to recite rn but some of my classmates' answers r pretty interesting. i can rlly see the kind of ppl they are#personally for me tho my answer. less than expectations of society n all#not much ppl quite as talk abt how hard it is to adjust. that middle ground between#missing the past n looking forward to the future#'fit into society' huh. i understand that a lot ;;; less in the comparing way but#there's no point in comparing myself to others. i know i'm mature n confident in that sense#but it's lonely when you /feel/ different from the rest of the world#bcs god i'm not exactly overachieving anymore bcs my mental health has been flopping but#i'm smart. yeah i perform great even in school despite my increasingly shitty mental health#i'm deeply attuned w my thoughts n emotions as well as that of others#i'm proud of my mindset honestly. i love my love for everyone's individuality n my own personal identity. i love my gratitude and grit#i'm a music person. an arts person. a writer.#for a lot of ppl managing all those stuff is hard.#we all struggle but i think there's a different kind of pain when you're self-aware of that struggle#n so ppl like me r stuck between being kind/harsh to themselves.#n oh we really do think and feel deeper than most ppl. n it feels lonely when we can't really share it w others#i know i'm intelligent but when my mental health struggles then social stuff rlly is a big weakness of mine ;;;#yh hmm i'm always improving but i think recently for the past few weeks#it's been harder than usual to manage it all. for numerous reasons i'm aware of#oh yeah this is definitely adolescence;;; n i'm nearly a year older so. yh goddamn that pressure#'as much as you want to achieve this personal independence you still need guidance' yeah .#it's hard to accept that tho. bcs there's feeling like a burden & uh. the reason why i kin to a certain ffxiv character;;;#ms my support systems r falling apart tho . oh god that thought is a bit painful but perdev reminded me of stuff again#as long as i continue to improve n challenge myself. to only be better than who i am yesterday. that's enough. at my own pace#ahh there you go i feel better again. i really just needed to hear it. w another person's voice. i remember again#it's still hard for me these days especially bcs i'm more tired n drained than usual but i really needed that reminder.
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did you know you can add stickers to dates on the google calendar
#I'm not fasting i just hate this holiday with my entire being#it's fun when you're a kid and your older brother teaches you how to ride a bike or skate#or you have friends who live close by and you all ride bikes/skate/walk somewhere to hang out with basically every kid in the area#but this rush passes when you're like 10 and then it just becomes sad and tiring and your parents are fasting and you're lonely#and yes i am definitely projecting. my experiences are not universal. still i hate it
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i cannot fucking live like this anymore, i'm fucking done
#i'm almost 30 and i've been so fucking lonely since i was 13 i cannot fucking function#humans are not supposed to live like that#you're supposed to have more people than just your fucking mother and that's it#17 fucking years of living like this#i'm so fucking tired#i can't do this anymore#i can't spend 70 years all alone in this room never even getting to live like a normal person because covid ruined any chance i had at#moving out and living like other people#everybody has somebody friends partners why am i the only one who had none in 17 years#what the fuck do i have to live for#i can't do this every second of this life is fucking hell on earth#i don't know what i've done to deserve this life#you can't even imagine what it's like to live like this#none of you ever had to#i am done
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.
#tag talk#the thing about accidental transphobia is that it's understandable. it's expected. but it still hurts#the revealing of the fact that someone's fundamental worldview simply doesn't allow for your existence. fuck it I'll be direct. MY existenc#it hurts that someone simply does not see the world as it is with me in it. they see me as something different from what I am#I am interpreted in such a way to make my existence fit into a prior schema. and that hurts.#and I get that it's not intentional. but I am differnt. I don't fit. none of these options are applicable#and it gets exhausting to constantly pick “other” on everything I ever get. I'm always “answer in the tags” always “none of these options”#and I get that it's accidental. but that just shows how endemic it is. that i get painted over by accident. that I can just disappear#your binary is a good rule of thumb but I am an extrajudicial case. it's a good approximation but I'm an outlier#and i know I'm not the only one. I've met so many other people who fall in the same category of “other”#and we're all such fucking lonely people. every single person I've met. tired of being erased. of being ignored.#gender is bad enough but even sexuality. “are you straight?” well not really “so you're gay” well not really that either#I'm queer I"m queer I'm queer I'm queer I'm queer genderfuck sexfuck fuck everything I'm so tired of redrawing lines so I fit in them
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Fuck I'm pathetic. I'm so angry at myself. I want to destroy something beautiful, and my heart screams that I know it's wrong, that I'm just jealous.
Well I'd really like to be over it now. I'm tired of putting words in people's mouths. I'm tired of constantly thinking people hate me. I've become what I've never wanted to be, and I've hurt people in the process. Innocent people who didn't deserve to be hurt.
And then I type my emotions out on here and pretend no one reads them. Because if I say I'm on the brink of killing myself, and no one says anything, well that's just because nobody read it. It's not that they DID read it and decide they wouldn't say anything, that would be worse to imagine, so I don't imagine it. I imagine I'm alone. That no one is listening. Better to be ignored than to realize they ACTUALLY don't care.
And let's face it, you'd push them away too. No one wants to FIGHT someone for their love. It's not playing hard to get, it's being outright hostile towards people who approach you.
I can't go back. I've made my decisions. I can cry like a baby all I want. I just want it to be over now. I... don't want to be alone. But I've learned that is what I deserve.
"You don't honestly think they invited you over JUST for your company!"
Yes, Mother, you're right. I should have known better. Next time I'll bring cookies or chips or pop or something. To prove that I'm worth inviting over, that I actually bring something to the table.
"I hope you realize how selfish you're being."
Yes Dad, I do. Coming out as gay was devastating for you, I know. It was the first sign that signaled your long-term investment was going sour. I'll remember to never bring up my sexuality with you ever again.
"Hey Mom, do you ever... just... feel like... crying?" "Well of course I do, son, but I don't go around TELLING people about it."
Oh... okay... I just uh... I won't mention it again then. Sorry for bringing it up.
"Hey Dad sorry about my breakdown, thanks for lending me money and letting me stay at your house." "I'm just so disappointed in you, it's been three weeks and you still don't have a job. I have a plan for my life, Vincent, and it doesn't involve taking care of YOU!"
I... didn't realize... I was just trying to get better and... yeah, okay... find a job... move out... be independent... no one is going to help you... you have to do it all on your own.
If you can't, you're a failure and deserve the ridicule of those who come to rescue you. If they come at all.
What good are parents? You're just an investment for them for when they get old, they have someone obligated to take care of them. What good are friends? All they want is whatever they can get out of you, and if you can't provide you might as well not be there.
What good is love? All it does is cloud my judgement and make me say and do stupid things. It's a dagger slipped into my side, between the ribs, and you can't help but touch it, feel its sting, remember it's still there lodged in deep.
I want a lobotomy. I want to be nothing. I want my outside demeanor to match my inside demeanor so that nobody gets fooled again into thinking I'm a real person. I'm not real. I'm not actually here.
I'm just a ghost that haunts the living.
#don't read this#personal#public private journal#i... i'm sorry#if only you all had never known me#if only i had been strong enough from the beginning to live on my own to not go crawling back to Nich...#Owen... i wronged you by comparing myself to you - it was an insult at best and intentionally harmful at worst#you didn't deserve the animosity i felt towards... not even YOU but myself!#and Trevor... i keep calling you a kid again as an insult#i want to hurt you to make you feel small to invalidate your wants and decisions by harping on your age#because it's much easier than admitting it was a mistake to lead you on in the first place - that I should have known better from the start#Kip... I tried to ignore you at first because I was afraid of you#i was surrounded by people NICH knew that NICH was friends with and I had to keep it a secret that NICH was my ex#i assumed you would just fall in line with the rest#thank you Kip for being the only one to NOT tell me I needed to go see a therapist#that's how I know someone is done caring - when they say 'you should probably see someone about that'#it means: they no longer know what to do so they push you off onto someone else who professionally HAS to care#when you say 'wow have you thought of seeing a therapist' that instantly tells me you're checked out and you no longer want to hear it#i'm so tired... i'm so bored... i'm so lonely... and pathetic... and it's all my fault#fuck therapy anyway all my therapist LEAVE!!#fucking most recent therapist was pregnant and was only going to see me for a few weeks before sending me to someone else#pour my heart out in front of someone only to get nowhere and then have to do it all over again with a completely NEW one?#i've done that like SIX times now I'm so FUCKING tired of talking about it!! i just want someone to UNDERSTAND!!
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I just. I'm exhausted. I have to move heaven and earth to be Understood, even vaguely, by most people, but I try so hard to understand others! And I know part of it is my lack of communication skills! And the empty pit I have where my soul should be! That was just slowly scooped out by life and circumstance and nobody able or willing to be someone whom I could both rely on and Feel Seen when I share my interests with!
But like. It'd sure be nice if the few times I know I'm managing to effectively communicate something people would like. Pick up on the words I'm using and express even the smallest amount of honest curiosity or care about me as a person.
#dragontalk#I'm snappy at my mom a lot bc I've been going blue explaining the same ten concepts for LIKE A DECADE#but like. I'm tired. is it gonna be like this forever?#like. i have friends and acquaintances but except for me best friend who doesn't often have the bandwidth to patiently comfort my ass about#something that's been going on since we were both in middle school/bandwidth to do more than listen to my oc shit but like.#and on top of that I'm relatively picky about who i want to communicate with anyway like.#I'm just tired and sad and idk why my emotions are hitting me like a truck lately but god damn#OH WAIT. I KNOW. IT'S CAUSE I FELT SO EMPTY I WAS LIKE. 'WHERE HAVE MY EMOTIONS GONE?'#and i went looking AND OH. SURPRISE. YOU BURIED THEM CAUSE DEEP DOWN YOU'RE STILL DESPERATELY LONELY#AND FEEL LARGELY UNLOVED/NOT UNDERSTOOD.#i even know there are people who love and care about me but#*angry tears* WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL
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-nsfw/smut-
"c'mon, raise those hips for me."
you're trying, you really are.
"i'm tired," you whined, turning around to view ghost, laying on his back, looking reposed. he lazily rolled his hips upwards, fucking the last few inches of his fat cock into you. the moan that left you was muted by a large hand over your mouth, leather against your lips.
ghost quickly flipped you onto your stomach, watching as your spine curved to create such an alluring figure as yours. his hands were attached to the fat of your hips, fingers tracing the little marks and blemishes that further increased your beauty.
you felt his tip press right at your slit, impatient and greedy, you canted your hips backwards, a sorry attempt at getting him back inside your cunt. instead, this had resulted in a harsh slap against your ass, the sting blurred between pain and pleasure. a small cry left you as tears welled in your eyes, threatening to fall past your waterline.
"patience, sweetheart."
you sniffed, "don't be mean, simon..."
he chuckled, the low timbre having you pathetically clench around nothing. he pressed a chaste kiss at your back, "sorry, 'm sorry, love."
you knew he wasn't. that didn't matter, though.
without warning, he shoved his cock into your pussy, hearing your muffled whimper as he'd done so. "quiet, don't wanna wake up our little girl, do you?" his own voice was strained as he scolded you, beginning to set his own pace. unforgiving and harsh, making you lightheaded and dizzy.
you felt him right at your womb again and again and fucking again. you felt any semblance of your very sanity begin to melt away as he fucked you, so roughly that it almost had you begging for him to go easy on you.
ghost was used to being rather quiet, but you were fucking struggling. any sound from you could potentially ruin what the two of you had going on. and you couldn't take that, not after the lack of intimacy between you two since the birth of your baby.
"there we go, mama. fuckin' perfect." he groaned, watching you quiver underneath his impressive physique.
fuck, you couldn't possibly be quiet after such praise, a moan leaving your agape lips. ghost didn't seem to mind your sudden outburst. instead, the grip on your hips tightening, fucking into your wet and tight cunt with such a primal and desperate need.
he was fucking you like a thing void of a soul, like a rag doll. every single time you felt him back inside, he pushed you deeper and deeper into the mattress. your hands had felt useless, not even able to support your own weight. you offered them to him, feeling his lone hand take both of yours, anchoring himself to you without his pace even faltering. it was a reminder to you both that he's fucking huge, so strong and capable of easily overpowering you. it had you nearly sobbing, your insides squeezing him snugly.
you heard him curse behind you, filling you to the brim and staying still. you shifted, confused on why he'd stopped.
"think you can do somethin' for me, sweet girl?"
"anything, anything for you," you replied almost instantly, words slurred like you'd been inebriated.
"yeah?" ghost started, shallowly thrusting into your cunt. you could practically hear the grin he had on his face, seeming to enjoy your torment.
a small 'mhm' was all you could come up with, words barely being able to form over your tongue and past your lips. a small sob left you as you remained stretched open by him, unmoving.
"wanna have another baby." as he'd said so, he'd delicately traced the stretch-marks over your hips and thighs. his touches were filled with nothing short of reverence.
well, you certainly hadn't expected him to say that. your daughter wasn't even six months yet, your body barely even fully healed. yet, all you could do was give him a nod. once he'd gotten your answer, you felt his body against your back, his lips at your neck. you knew that there’d be marks there in the morning- but that didn’t matter, not when he began to resume that dizzying speed.
"give me a boy this time."
#fanfic#smut#cod mw2#cod mwii#cod smut#cod x reader#ghost cod#ghost mw2#ghost x reader#simon riley x reader#thanks for 6k omg <3<3
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