Okay! I found it!

I know what mainly triggers Sun's psychosis - or psychotic episode/break (remember that psychotic episode can last from hours through weeks and months even)..

..and it's *drum rolls* ✨✨Eclipse ✨✨

Before Sun killed Bloodmoon he was repeating to himself that he isn't like Eclipse.. then later Bloodmoon was saying almost the exact same things Eclipse was saying to Sun before Sun expelled Eclipse from his head.. and boom Sun shoot Bloodmoon - "pull the trigger"..

Later Sun was speaking in similar way to Eclipse and he acted like Eclipse.. Sun tried to get rid of Eclipse - "I'm just Sun-restraining you" "you want to kill people.. I let that happen, I make it happen"..

Let's talk about Murder Mistery episode with Earth, Moon, Sun and Foxy before October last year (with Ruin and BM) cause Sun was acting as if he had a psychotic episode - it's very possible that it was a short one - remember it may last hours (previous lasted months) - he was agitated, his speech was incoherent, he was acting unusual (he tried to force Earth to shoot him, he was saying some very weird things - many of them were referencing to things between him and Eclipse), sometimes he was moving a lot but at another times he was standing completely still..

He started to "freak out" when he heard that Foxy said Eclipse. Sun misheard Foxy but it led to this small psychotic break..

Now Sun snapped at Eclipse in unusual way for him.. saying that Eclipse should kill himself and that everything was Eclipse's fault and that he hates the fact that Eclipse just started existing.. it's very not like Sun..

When Sun snapped at Eclipse previously - when Eclipse had a star - it wasn't like that.. back then Sun pointed out that Eclipse has nothing beside making their life miserable and that even with such a power like newton star he still didn't do anything to them beside some annoying minor inconviniences - he wasn't a real threat..

Sun is drinking alcohol (I don't believe that he stopped drinking) so he's now more relaxed and symptoms of his disorder are dulled a little bit (he's acting more reckless though) but it is only for the time being because sooner or later alcohol will make things worse and it'll worsen symptoms and it may lead to another psychotic episode - this time worse because of alcohol - and with how Sun recently expressed that he has suicidal thoughts and it even seems that he contemplated jumping off the railing of the lighthouse Sun may end up attempting suicide.. (it is a possibilty, I'm not saying it'll happen for sure)

Eclipse being a trigger reminds me of this post of mine - read that if you want to know why I think that Sun doesn't seem to want to reach out to only Eclipse (when before he tried that with BM) and to find out why I think that Sun thinks he's Eclipse..

Also I think that Sun may most definitely have depressive psychosis is because he was depressed even before first October takeover and later his depression worsened to the point that people in YT comments started to realize that - I want to say that Sun probably has either atypical depression or high functioning depression which still is depression nonetheless, just because Sun doesn't display usual symptoms of depression it doesn't mean he doesn't have it - later he had psychotic break (while still being depressed) where the psychotic part of disorder was displayed and later he was depressed once again and he still is depressed..

Why I think Sun doesn't have bipolar disorder is because his psychotic break didn't seem like a typical manic episode where a person has delusions of grandiose..

Hence why I think that Sun's delusions are centered around guilt and unworthiness - which explains why he blames himself so much for everything and linked post also explains why I think that Sun believes himself to be evil..

Another thing is that many people wrongly assumed that Sun's determination and clear goal to kill Eclipse was proving that he was thinking clearly and that he didn't have psychotic break..

But ask yourself if Sun was thinking clearly why he didn't go prepared for his mission to kill Eclipse? He didn't take any weapon when he just could easily take even a barrel cause they still had laser canons in them at that time.. yet Sun just went straight ahead without any weapon, not knowing where to go, he didn't even had a clear plan on what to do or how to defend himself if Eclipse would attack him - it was a suicidal mission..

People just have wrong picture of how psychotic break works mainly because of movies etc. - someone who experience psychotic episode may still seem to act logical.. Also having clear goal and be determined to do something don't disprove someone having psychotic episode because then person often has a clear goal which they have to do no matter what..

Off topic - I think that what proves that Moon was dreaming is that it seemed more like a story - dream has a storyline. Unlike Sun's hallucinations which were appearing and disappearing - they weren't fluid..

"I feel like the vibes of the world have just gotten more off in the past few years, something big is gonna happen bc idk the stars and shit" is just the witchy, uwu hippy version of when Christians say the world is randomly going to shit because it's almost time for the rapture

So they don't have to look at all the very real life problems that are destroying humanity/the world, the patterns that people of power continue to play into for generations that continue to cause more and more problems.

Just so they can play the "omg how could this have happened, well I told you astrology said so" ignorant card when they're no longer struggling with mere first world problems but are actually dealing with the things they choose to ignore on TV and in the news, and no ethereal, otherworldly being has come to save them, fix them, or helped them conquer capitalism and fascism while they sit on their ass eating potato chips and going "yeah, karma and stuff". Bc gods forbid you actually acknowledge why life is ass, you'd rather make the situation worse by playing so far into ignorance that you're fooling and confusing everyone else and now everyone is convinced it's not bc of an imbalance of power, or rich people, it's only goddamn PLUTO.

"Somehow" everything was fine and just had "suspiciously dark vibes" and then "suddenly" it turned to shit. It's not like the people in the world have fucking raised their red flags and screamed what the issues have all been for years and y'all have just been like "life is such a mystery. Everything just FEELS more depressing and bad and awful but I'm not sure why. Anyway let me drink my microplastics in my overpriced house that I always make late payments on bc my job pays me 9 bucks an hour, while I stare across the street at the abandoned buildings that they're going to bulldoze because some homeless kids broke into it for shelter, while I contemplate on why everything is so depressing".

And it doesn't mean you can't spiritually believe in x or y thing, and also that fascism is bad. You can be like "ah yes the Pluto thing is warning us that if we don't fix this situation right now, that I'm aware is an issue, then we're absolutely fucked in the worst possible scenario and it'll up-end our entire life whether we want it to or not, but it'll be even worse for fucking around and finding out". Like spirituality is pretty much a tool to help you understand that if y'all don't figure out how to fix x thing, z thing is going to happen, and it'll be a lot more of a rough lesson than y thing.

Spirituality is NOT "idk, I know X thing is bad but Z thing is also happening and I believe it's because the stars foretold this would happen and- oh NOOOO, you mean Z and X thing were related to each other this whole time, and if I had helped to prevent, repair, or prepare for X, then Y would have happened instead, because Y and Z were both an option based on how there's ALWAYS a difference between letting something happen by choosing to be ignorant to it, and actively working to fix the situation or working around the situation, whaaaaat??"

Y'all just politically lazy and using spirituality as a reason to not care.

(And it's used in the same way for people who are toxic and avoiding self awareness as well. "somehow" the majority of people just don't like x person, for whatever reason, no matter how "nice or funny" they are, it must be written in the stars (or must be God's plan) but realistically it's because they're garbage human beings who treat people like shit every time someone gets close to them so they can't keep friends, and then they pride on scaring everyone else away bc "they hate people" by being nasty, rude, cold, evasive, etc, and their face shows how little they care about anybody around them, but yeah its because they're an Aries with a Scorpio moon that has people not liking their vibes).

Edit: and y'all be saying it to try and be the most woke and high vibrational person ever but it's actually the worst thing to say! "I feel like somehow the world just feels darker and more depressing" well clearly you're so far out of the loop for understanding and listening to the pain of your fellow humans that you genuinely think everything is a fucking mystery! Not to mention the depression of going through shit is something every generation goes through, why the fuck do you think boomers are cranky, bitter, and miserable??? They just lack the awareness to be politically educated and why they chalk everything up to Jesus or Satan- oh yeah, like you do with other things! Bc y'all don't sit with the problems of the world and y'all only feel like fixing it when there's irreparable damage that you can't deny, just like every-fucking-body else!

TW: Body dysmorphia, gender dysphoria, depression, self harm, trauma dump

I think the issue I have the most is that I hyper focus on my negatives.

Right now I'm thinking I'm disgusting for eating rice lately considering my appetite has gotten... Larger as of late.

Metabolism been acting faster than usual.

But I'm afraid it's doing something to my body. I don't want to get fattened up like when I was a kid. Sure being a little chubby isn't bad, but when you have a specific body image you want in mind it just... Fucks with you.

Now that I realized I'm agender new problems basically popped out that I didn't realized I even had before.

Sometimes I don't even feel androgynous enough with my stupid face. My stupid voice and my stupid hair.

I look like a goddamn brute. I look like my dad.

It's probably one of my reasons why I get so... Distraught. Alongside my other issues like severe undiagnosed paranoia (I have signs I have it) and just tendencies of being... Not nice to myself when I get in my breaking point...

I honestly start to see a warped version of myself. Because of my many MANY issues, fears and just things I genuinely have no control over I start to just disregard my own life to have it's own meaning because I don't feel satisfied with what I am and what I have.

I don't give a fuck about the financial stuff since money means nothing to me and I've come to accept that material shit won't make me happy, well unless it's plushies then maybe capitalism can win for a bit.

But all I'm saying is that. I don't have the life I want. I don't have the body I want.

I have nothing I want.

Right now I'm in the pre transition phase shit. Even then I've started to look less masculine over the years but it's... Not enough.

It's never enough.

Right now I'm just sitting in the bathroom contemplating if I should harm myself or even have the absurd idea or carving parts of my disgusting cancerous body.

Sculpting it like a lunatic.

None of this would've happened if I wasn't fed a lot as a kid. None of this would've happened if I wasn't abused.

There are outside factors there too to be fair but. I've struggled with this for years that even with me starting to finally get back to my old sunday routine of working out.

I still don't see progress.

And with my growing appetite I worry that I will start to look disgusting again.

I have nothing against other people's bodies. I really don't. I can find someone cute no matter what. But this body?

I don't like it.

This vessel.

This vessel isn't me.

I want to escape from it.

But doing that will basically kill people that don't want to die.

And right now I don't want the others to die while I'm still sane.

If this goes on long enough I'll probably start saying shit like actively fake claiming the others because I want to just push them away. Make myself not feel bad for killing them.

It isn't nice.

I never really was a patient person.

Even now I still struggle with letting my emotions in check. I physically can't even play online games because I just... Lose myself.

I'm not a good person. I never was, but at the same time that's what I've been told.

Even with their efforts, their abused will still linger and they chose to be ignorant with how hurtful they get sometimes.

Good thing I'm not a host anymore. No one is. At any time someone else could puppet the vessel and stop me from doing something silly with my funny wrist using my funny nails.

I guess. I guess I just feel like shit.

Life was never fair so I just have a cluster of problems that makes me think that the only way I can get what I want in life is through violence. Pain. And all that shit.

Honestly I lost count of wanting to commit crimes as a way to send a message. Of course for legal reasons I haven't committed them. Although I did burn a church down in project zomboid.

This is the reason why I just can't understand the empathy people express towards someone like me, who's admittedly messed up.

I'm messed up. My past was messed up.

I just. Sent myself down in this loop of hating myself over having issues because I just can't accept people love me.

I can't understand the very idea of relationships.

Even now I have issues with that with some psychology bullshit stuff. Like I have trouble with my feelings towards people. My brain goes Person is nice towards you = Love??

Like it could be platonic love but it feels really weird.

I think this is what happens if someone doesn't use a condom. You get someone like me to be born.

Hell they weren't even prepared for it. "Dad" had to go abroad just to support us making me think he doesn't even exist to the point I didn't recognize or knew him when he came back, "mom" works and was barely home to give me the affection I needed or just having a parent and not a babysitter, not to mention someone with anger issues.

Whenever I fucked up as a kid I get yelled at. Or maybe Riley did. Memory is blurry since I can't tell who's past it really was even if Riley was the host.

Eventually the whole incident happened when the split really did happen or at least according to Riley.

Kid swore, instead of being scolded, they got a handful of salt shoved down their throat.

Even now I still remember what they did to Riley. To us.

I can't forgive someone like that even if they claim they've "changed" or "feel bad about what she did" I don't forgive someone who chooses their own entitled view of themselves and only feels guilty about themselves over us.

Maybe it's fucked up love, but I don't want that love, neither does Riley I think.

We're not free yet. But honestly my relationship with the former host is fucking weird.

I don't know. Close feeling. Maybe it's the trauma bond but. It's weird.

And I really don't want it to be romantic either so I will say it's platonic certainly.

But even then being close to someone you've never met for years is weird.

Fuck.

Why am I like this?

What fucking fear and hunger god did I angered to have issues? This sucks.

I want a refund.

-Cal

lost my "american spirit" in Germany though I buy a new blue pack at the end of every week. I'm clamoring for strength, i want to persevere but im so damn tired. I can no longer write a good essay in a stimulant filled never ending night. i can no longer sit in a class full of people younger than me contemplating 40 pages of a book I half read or read and didn't understand. grief has taken me by surprise but depression not so much. i don't know what a good day is composed of though i make sure to be out in the sun, i make sure i write in my notebook, i make sure to take pictures, i make sure to take my lexapro, i make sure to say hi or smile at people i pass on campus and try to text friends back. in therapy i talk fast because i'm afraid it's the only space i have to truly say what I mean. the sky goes from blue to dark, the shades in the dorm suite go down, another tick mark made, and i'm tallying the days where i've simply carried on. I can no longer stand feeling secure without knowing I've worked hard for it. i want to leave this place, go back to Virginia, support my mom in her grief and simply work. schoolwork is killing my spirit. will i ever graduate? why is this the question, why is this the condition for doing other things im interested in? i miss nyc and feel sad about leaving, i've been out of contact with so many people because life seems to go on and i somehow proved to myself the ease with which i dropped out of peoples lives means that I don't belong in them. the twin bed i sleep on is so hard on my back. the rooms i go into make the loudest echo and im afraid to add my own noises to the sound. i hear laughter and ask god for silence. i wish i wasn't so sensitive to others, to noises, to shifts, and opinions. i wish change felt like taking a deep breath. i wish i could connect deeply with and show my most vulnerable sides to someone and feel the world opening up...right now i feel as though i'm hiding. my friend Mo told me there was a period of their life where they felt like they were hiding. They started to run, read a book by a rabbi about intergenerational trauma, and began to try to speak to their ancestor who also had to hide until their own movements into darkness made sense. i wonder if my mom is depressed, my dad tells me she is but he doesn't mention this because he cares. even with an ocean between us I float through the middle of their conflict, I guess because I was born out of it. the question arises: why was I born? And of course it's the depression but I stare at the ceiling trying to think my way into proof. the cursor is flashing on an open word document and i have two thousand words left to write. i'll take the tram and the s bahn to the library at least that will get me out of the space and maybe out of this mental space. i'll pray and try to notice things that are beautiful. i'll write these last two stupid papers and they'll be whatever they'll be. my friend is in town and now i don't have time to see her because i haven't made enough progress on these papers that my body / mind simply don't want to write. 26 so far has been stagnant and sad. I hope I can find courage to continue, or to change.

Having the two closest friends to me suffer from depression, to the point both of them have said they want to kill themselves or die, is not making me any happier.

I don't care how selfish this sounds but what is the point of being friends with people who are ALWAYS sad? And leech off of your happiness? Because I've had to deal with my own issues all of my life, got through most of them, now I got to help everybody through theirs? Don't get me wrong I'm here to be your friend. I'm here to help. I want to help. But I've been literally friends with both of them and almost the entire time they've been depressed. One of them DECADES. There's nothing I can say or do. And neither will go to therapy which is what they both really need. They just want to hop themselves up on distractions and drugs. I don't blame them. It's more affordable and easier. But it doesn't get the job done. I think the reason I'm ranting right now is because I can't tell them this because it will just make them more depressed* and I have no one to tell... I don't care that I have friends with issues. Everybody has issues. I do care that they define themselves by their issues, bring me down with them, and never try to fix those issues. That's just selfish. It's why one of my friends I told them I am not your entertainment box. I'm not here to make you always happy and satisfied. Not your prostitue. Because if that's the truth and that's what friendships do, you sure as hell are not being my entertainment box. The world sucks, everybody has some level of depression, but it doesn't mean you get to use it as an excuse to be a s***** person all the time. Maybe you're sad cuz you're a s***** person?

* it's so bad that if they ever read this I'm pretty sure one of them would at least contemplate suicide. How do you emotionally and spiritually handle two different friends like that? And one friend is actually pretty cool. She just had a s***** life. Like seriously one of the worst lives you can imagine. The other friend is just undependable and selfish. He's the one who brings me down the most. I mean he said he would mail me something over a year ago and he just got around to finding it. A small item took a year to find. That's how bad he is. Then he'll lie so he won't have to have an uncomfortable conversation. Says he's not the same person he was two decades ago while doing the same things he did two decades ago. Ironically hilarious to me. He's so proud of how much he changed when he's barely scratched the surface. He was a piece of s*** now he's a smaller piece of s***. Still a piece of s***. Let me put it this way. My sister would rather me invite a complete stranger than him to her wedding because he bugs her that much. Originally I actually stuck up for him. Now I understand why she's doing it.

ok enough thinking about the meaning of life i have a midterm to do

On The Bridge

Summary

The water under the bridge was luring but no as much as the boy on the bridge.

Or maybe you were just convincing yourself you liked the water because you hadn't met the boy yet...

Pairings: Renjun x fem!reader

Characters: Renjun, Doyoung «mentioned» Chenle, Taeyong.

About: Angst, recovery, comfort, semicolon, light humour, sad, Bitter-Sweet, open ending.

Word Count: 4.6k

WARNINGS

Mentions of suicide! Attempt at suicide! (Nothing graphic) Read with caution it gets heavy.

Toxic family relations.

Mentioned bullying.

Reader suffers from depression.

You sat on the thick railing of the bridge, legs dangling high above the moon lit waters. It was truly a beautiful and calming site, so peaceful and pure, the complete opposite of your thoughts.

Up on this bridge you were lost in a trance, trapped in a void of your own thoughts that were empty but at the same time raging.

You failed to notice a presence besides you so you were quite startled when a voice spoke asking you, "Why are you here?"

You blinked once at the pretty who sat next to you before calmly answering him, "To watch the water."

"You're not here to....umm..."

"Join the water?" You asked a small teasing smile creeping on you face and the boy seemed to curl into himself.

"Y-yea that" he stuttered.

"Yea I'm here to join the water." You said and he frowned, "But not today. I'll do that the moment my birthday ends" you said with a smile and he looked at you in awe.

"Leave this world a day after I arrived, won't that be cool?" You asked and he hesitated before nodding.

"It would be cool..." He said slowly sitting up straight.

"So you're here to jump too?" You asked, your words too bold and unfiltered for him.

"Oh- umm I, Y-yea" he stuttered, panicking and you smiled softly again.

"I don't think you will. You seem too cowardly to actually jump...I mean you couldn't even properly ask me if I was going to jump" you said with a shrug while the boy with blond hair (you just noticed) slowly calmed down.

"I am." He said with a small nod, "But I wasn't always scared it's just...." He trailed, biting his lip not sure whether to tell you or not.

"Just what?" you asked eyes innocently curiously, he held his breath for a minute contemplating whether to tell you or not and then sighed, "I used to sneak out and come here every night but every time my younger brother would know I was gone and would always follow me here" he said eyes glistening and you felt entrapped in his sullen gaze.

"And we'd sit here on this bridge every night talking about anything and everything. He was bubbly and carefree but always held onto my hand tightly as if he knew I would jump if he let go. But I could never tell if he knew or not because the only thing that was bluntly visible on his face was his million dollar smile." the boy said with a small twinkle in his eye.

"Where is he now?" You asked and a sad smile made its way to the boy’s soft features.

"He's shining as the brightest star in the sky" he replied, pointing up at no particular star.

"He was sick. Born a sick child, I always knew he was going to go early." the boy said and you felt sorry for him, the way he smiled sadly to himself holding the weight of losing a loved on his lean shoulders.

"I'm so"

"No don't say sorry, he lived a good life" he cut you off and for a few minutes the two of you just sat on the bridge silently, two broken souls.

"What's your name?" You finally asked and he looked hesitant before he spoke, "Huang Renjun"

"Hi Renjun I'm Kim y/n" you said offering him a smile with an enthusiastic wave.

"Hi y/n" he said with a small laugh at your gesture, which he found cute.

"So why do you still come here Renjun?" You asked and Renjun stilled, breathing slowly he spoke "I want to jump. I can't handle life anymore but every time it feels like someone's holding onto my arm..." He trailed off and you felt your heart sink, he lived only because of the memory of his brother.

"Why are you here y/n?" He asked, changing the topic.

"Me? Well...I recently shifted here with my parents. My brother stayed back but it's not like he lived with us. I hated my old school and my entire experience there. It scared me to the point I have an anxiety attack at the thought of going to any school so I'm being home schooled now. Home school isn't better though considering I'm stuck at home with the constant yelling. I'm invisible now almost as if I was never supposed to exist so that's what I'm here to do. To not exist." you said in one go biting your lip nervously at the thought of over sharing but Renjun smiled at you and you felt your nervous heartbeat calm down. You also noticed that he really was a beautiful boy because one small smile on his face looked so captivating to you.

"That's sad... I wish you didn't feel that way" he said earnestly and you felt something close to genuine happiness at that statement for a brief second.

"And I wish I was never born...it's not fair to me" you said with a sigh eyes fixed on the water again. Jumping into it and being lost in its current seemed like the most peaceful and joyful thing in the world to you. The coldness of the water and the darkness of the night wrapped around you like a blanket as you finally let go. It sounded perfect.

"What if you find a reason to live?" Renjun asked interrupting your thoughts and you frowned. There wasn't a reason, there never was going to be and even if there was one reason to live there were thousand other reasons to leave.

"What was your brother's name?" You asked changing the topic. Renjun smiled and simply answered, "Zhong Chenle" without prying any further.

And so you two bonded talking about anything and everything or nothing at all. And every night, like routine you went to the bridge and he was there. And that's how you made your first and probably your last friend.

It was on one of the more cheerful nights when Renjun was animatedly telling you about his baby brothers dolphin laugh and about how contagious it was that it had delayed his cake cutting by fifteen minutes because he couldn't stop laughing that you told Renjun when your birthday was.

"In two weeks!" Renjun exclaimed shocked, a frown plastered on his face.

"Yes in two weeks" you repeated with a small giggle at how cute his flustered self looked.

"But that's so soon" he subconsciously pouted rather cutely.

"Want to join me?" You asked even though you knew his answer.

"I would if I wasn't a coward" Renjun said with a frown and held your hand. "I'll miss you"

"At least someone will" you said with a dead laugh and Renjun frowned, for some reason he was convinced people knew you existed. And maybe they knew but if you didn't want to live it was your choice not theirs.

"My brother's in town and we used to be so close now it's only awkward small talk as if he hates talking to me" you said with a sarcastic laugh but it only sounded like a strangled cry and Renjun put a comforting hand on your shoulder not saying anything.

"And my parents...well they don't talk they yell" you scoffed, "They probably haven't even noticed I live with them by how occupied they are trying to hurt each other"

"And I never had any friends and I wouldn't call the people at my old school my friends...ever. They broke me and said that's just how they are or that I'm being dramatic. It was always just me. I'm always stuck outside as if I was never meant to be and maybe I'm not..." You said a sob escaping your lips after your outed your demons and Renjuns heart broke as he pulled you towards him and hugged you as you silently sniffed.

"Don’t worry you won't go alone, I'll come and say goodbye to you" he whispered in your ear and a small smile made its way to your face, glad that he understood you.

"I'd try to stop you but I know it's stupid to try to stop you when I myself want to jump so bad" he said as he tightened his hold around you and you lay your head on his chest. Renjun wasn't cold like the waters were but being in his embrace still brought you peace.

"How come you're waiting till after your birthday?" He asked you and a small smile made its way to your face, finally a question you wanted to answer. "Because that's the one day the yelling stops and everyone pretends like everything is fine and the one day they notice me. It's the one day I'm everyone's favourite and I want their last memory of me to be a happy one" you said, recollecting those rare happy memories as you listened to Renjuns heartbeat.

"I'll send you away happy too so you'd have one last happy memory too" he said resting his head on yours.

He was so warm but you didn't hate it as much as you did and suddenly the water looked too cold.

And so two weeks started to go by and your nights with Renjun got weirder and weirder, he would either be really talkative or extremely quiet. And not the comfortable quite you were used to, not when everything about his quite presence screamed THINKING LOUDLY. But it didn't bother you for too long.

The day of your birthday went as you predicted. Everyone was smiling and suddenly you were the center of everyone's attention. With fake smiles and happiness and peace that wouldn't last. At least their last memory of you was you smiling right? Maybe they won't feel guilty for too long because you were never supposed to exist. But at the same time you wanted them to hurt the way you did, to regret not being able to save you.

The day went by cheerful and night came, you kissed your parents good night and hugged your brother properly for the first time after he returned. You were pretty sure you shocked him a bit but it was your last good bye. You needed it. He was the one you cared for the most in your family.

Once night fell and you were sure everyone was too tired to care you creeped out towards the bridge walking there quickly in anticipation of Renjuns good bye so you frowned when you realised he wasn't there.

You looked at your phone, 11:45.

He still had fifteen minutes to arrive maybe he'd say goodbye to you then.

But it was soon 11:59 and no one had come onto the bridge other than a stray cat.

You frowned looking at the screen on your phone as tears made its way to your eyes, you were always meant to be die unnoticed and alone.

The numbers on the clock changed from 11:59 to 12:00 and you placed it down on the railing next to you as you leaned over to look at the water.

Stupid Renjun, his warmth made the cold water which you loved before seem too cold. But at least it was dark.

You placed your arms on both sides of the railings and gave yourself a slight push ready to slip and fall off but just then a hand clasped onto your arm and you turned around to look at a red faced Renjun.

"M-my brother used to...” he panted, out of breath and you looked at his pleading eyes worried. “He used to hold onto me and now I'm going to hold onto you" he said, breathing heavily from his run here.

"B-but you said you understood" you yelled anger bubbling inside of you, a frown making its way to your face, how could he stop you just because he was scared.

"I didn't understand two shits." He said sternly, standing up straight. "At first you inspired me and I thought that I'd finally have to courage to jump if I do it with you but then I didn't want to see you go....I already saw Chenle go without being able to do anything for my baby brother who wanted to live and here I was letting you go and thinking of taking my life, a life which Chenle could have never had. What an insult it would have been to his death if his brother who wasn't forced to die took his own life after his baby brother fought so much to live? And you! How could I just sit by and watch you take your life" he yelled as tears threatened to fall.

"So I decided not to come today but I care too much to not show up. So the only thing I can do right now is hold onto your arm to make sure you won't jump while talking about anything and everything until you forget about wanting to jump. Just like Chenle did for me." Renjun said hurriedly and desperately, face turning red and fresh tears falling out of his shining, determined eyes and you felt your heart sink as realisation of how real this situation was. His goal was to talk to you until you forgot why you were here but you just couldn't.

"B-but" you started to reason and Renjun shook his head. "No I'm holding onto you" he said, red eyes shining with a passion to keep you alive and you almost felt touched. Almost. This was supposed to be your escape but now one small boy with the voice of an angle has got you questioning everything? His eyes pleaded with you and he rambled about something that fell deaf to your ears as you glanced at the waters. It looked too cold and suddenly death seemed a bit scarier than before.

You closed your eyes, taking in a deep breath and you let yourself die away in the darkness. As you pressed each emotion you felt way under an invisible weight of the darkness that comforted you, that excited you, that promised you eternal peace. Maybe the water was too cold but the darkness was pulling you in and all it would take was one little push to let it consume you.

But the darkness was snatched away from you as a sudden bright light blinded your vision, it was someone's torch from their phone but you couldn't see who was holding it and neither could Renjun as he squinted trying to not look directly into the light.

"Y/n?" A voice called out and your eyes widened, in recognition.

"D-Doyoung?"

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING!" he yelled pocketing his phone and running to you, yanking you off the railing and onto the pavement of the bridge.

"Are you mad? Why would you do that! What would I do if I lost you? How could you just think of leaving like that!" He yelled at you, tears shamelessly falling out of his eyes. You noticed he looked defeated but you didn't understand why.

"I-I’m sorry" you mumbled feeling obligated to apologise, looking away biting onto you lip hard, more embarrassed than scared that he caught you.

What you didn't know Doyoung’s mind was a whirlwind of regrets and flashbacks. Of hatred for himself for not noticing sooner for not coming to your aid sooner.

For how noisy his mind was to you it was silent. Too silent. He didn't say anything and now you were scared. Scared of what would happen, scared because no matter how much you tried to predict the outcome your mind remained blank.

"Ohhh what would I do if I lost you" he finally said breaking the silence and holding onto you so tight you were surprised none of your bones broke.

"I'm sorry." He broke into a sob, "I'm sorry I didn't notice sooner. I'm sorry I didn't take you away from there with me, I'm sorry I didn’t protect you at school. I'm so sorry I couldn't do more. But please don't do this y/n" he pleaded with a broken hopeless voice holding onto you tighter, "You're my baby sister and I won't be able to live with myself if I lost you" he sobbed into your hair holding you close to him and for the first time you felt fear, fear of what would happen if you left Doyoung behind.

"I should have protected you and should have just taken you with me not waited until I could prove to our parents I had money oh god" he continued to cry and it hurt your heart, how could you forget your brother's promise to take you away and protect you and how could you forget your promise to love with him. Live with him. You couldn't hold back either, clinging onto him for life as you cried. All the pain inside you finally breaking lose as you sobbed and sobbed in your brother's arms. And suddenly all the emotions that the darkness hid were out in the open and you felt every emotion all at once and it wasn't a burden like you expected but instead freeing.

The pain from the constant bullying, the neglect, having to deal with your parents fighting and then your brother moving out. You were alone and scared and all the emotions you bottled up came pouring out all at once. You felt faint and light headed but you couldn't stop crying your soul out.

You weren't brave but a coward just leaving without really putting up a fight. You felt yourself shift as Doyoung who had stopped crying slowly sat down with you still held tightly in his arms.

You sat on the cold road, head rested on your brother's chest as you listened to his heartbeat and he caressed you head as your sobs slowly died down. You were tired and might have fallen asleep there if it wasn't for your brother's cold voice startling you back into consciousness.

"Who are you?" your brother's asked tone so cold you would have been scared to be on the receiving end of it and that's when you realised- Renjun!

"Oh I'm her.... Friend?" Renjun questioned more than answered and you smiled at the flustered boy as your brother's eyes critically scanned him.

"He's Renjun" you said pulling away from your brother's embrace deciding to end the trembling boys suffering, "He was brave enough to not join me and even braver to stop me" you said smiling at the said brave boy (who was currently trembling under Doyoungs gaze). Doyoung gave Renjun a curt nod and got up to thank him.

You tried your best to hold in your laughter as you watched them awkwardly shake hands. It was definitely a start of a very awkward relationship.

...

You blinked your eyes open, your head was killing you and you felt like you woke up from a drug induced dream. Last night was all messed up for you and you weren't sure if it was real.

You lay there on your bed feeling drained to the core and empty inside. You felt awful. Like you shouldn't have woken up today morning, yet some part of you was secretly glad.

Your thoughts were interrupted by Doyoung who barged into you room and opened your curtains filling the room with bright light, you squinted, your eyes hurting at the sudden surplus of light but for the first time you were glad it was bright rather than dark as you saw your brother standing against the light, smiling at you.

"Get dressed Renjun should be here soon" he said and marched out of your room before you could react. You forced yourself to sit up, brain still not processing a word he had said.

It was a challenge getting ready, especially since all you wanted to do today was lay in bed but you got ready and walked to the kitchen where Doyoung placed a fresh plate of pancakes in front of you.

You smiled at him, sitting yourself down and digging into your breakfast when you stopped and realised how quite it was

"Ummm Doyoung where are..." You started to ask but Doyoung cut you off, "It's like you forgot last night." He scoffed but there was a very obvious smile on his face as if he was happy. You couldn't understand why he was so happy when all you felt was empty and awful after last night.

"They have gone for couples counselling but honestly I think it'll end in a divorce" Doyoung said it so casually that you sat there with your fork hovering in front of your mouth shocked. "Don’t be so surprised. I know it sucks but I'm old enough to take care of you and I'm taking you away with me this time. Let them sort out their own problems and don’t you dare blame yourself for their failed marriage okay." He said sternly walking towards you and feeding you the pancake himself since you just sat there frozen. "And I know they're kind of messed up but they do love us and they have taken care of us, maybe not emotionally but in...other ways" he said placing a hand on your head and you nodded, dumbfounded. You wanted to say something but didn't know what to say or ask so you just sat there watching him, confused. He smiled at that. Everything was happening so quickly it was still taking you time to process it especially after last nights... whirlwind of emotions.

"You can be mad at them y/n. You can be mad at me. You can be mad at whoever okay. Feel things again." He said placing a soft kiss on your forehead as he walked to answer the door.

When did the doorbell ring?

"Oh Renjun you're here!" You heard him happily exclaim and walk back into the kitchen, followed by a shy Renjun. You looked at Renjun confused but he only gave you a shy smile.

"What's going on?" You asked after you swallowed the food that was in your mouth.

"I'm taking you two for therapy" he said so casually as if he didn't forget to mention that to you and by the looks of it he forgot to tell Renjun too.

"But my parents..."

"Renjun I spoke to them and they agreed to it" Doyoung said interrupting Renjun who seemed to have trouble believing Doyoung as he looked at him accusingly.

"Okay I fought with them and they agreed. Plus they can't stop me all the way from China if you consent to this can they?" Doyoung asked with a smug grin and Renjun looked at him in disbelief.

"What why?" You asked still confused "when did all this happen?"

"I got it all arranged last night." Doyoung casually said again as if he didn't forget to tell the two of you all of this and turned to Renjun, "Would you like some pancakes too?"

Renjun flushed in embarrassment at Doyoungs gaze and you frowned.

"But why are you suddenly so invested in all this" you asked, your tone sounding colder than you intended it to be. You regretted your words when you saw hurt flash through Doyoung’s eyes for a second.

Doyoung’s gave you a wary smile before he spoke, "When I left three years ago I wasn't in a good place. But I met good people and I got help. The three years I avoided coming home was because I took that time to heal. And I feel selfish for leaving you but I hope you'll one day understand that I needed to be stronger to take care of you. So that's what I'm doing now."

"Why are you taking me too then?" Renjun asked, eyes downcast, looking disappointed. What you didn't know was that he was disappointed. Someone else was going to take the burden of taking care of him and he didn't like that. He didn't like being a burden. He burdened his parents so much that they left him and now the same thing was going to happen with the only nice people he knew. He was beyond disappointed.

"Because you need help. I have a friend in uni, his name is Lee Taeyong." A small smile made its way to Doyoung’s face, "He helped me out in ways no one else would. He took care of me and he made sure I was okay, he genuinely cared for me even though I wasn't very nice to him. At first I found him annoying but now he's one of the most important people in my life and I don't think I would ever be able to live without him, don't tell him that though. But the thing is he came to me and helped me I didn't go to him, so now I'm going to help you no matter how much you feel like you don't deserve it Renjun. No matter how annoying you think I am." Doyoung said, stubbornness shining in his eyes and Renjun stood there shocked and taken back.

"I also knew your brother" Doyoung said shocking Renjun for the second time in the past five minutes, "He was a child prodigy at SM University, musical talents unlike any other, he was so young and so week but so jovial. His parents loomed over him taking praises given to the kid as their own but that young boy couldn't care less about them. The only thing he would talk about was his brother waiting at home for him, his brother that took care of him, who played with him, who protected him from the monsters in the closet. He spoke about his brother that held his hand when his heart hurt. He spoke about how when he was sick the medicines could never put him to sleep the way his brothers voice would." Tears made their way to Renjuns eyes as memories of everything Doyoung had mentioned came flooding into his mind but he held them back, too stubborn to let them fall.

"Every time he came he would tell us about how handsome his brother was and how talented his brother was. He would brag about how he wanted to spend his whole life being this faceless boys little brother." Renjun sniffed, roughly wiping away his tears before they could leave his eyes as he looked at Doyoung who continued to speak. "I owe it to him, a small kid that really gave me a different view and perspective on life to take care of this amazing brother" Doyoung finished speaking and Renjun broke into a sob, turning away and hiding his face. You got up from where you were seated and walked to him, wrapping your arms around his shoulder from behind, hugging him. Your heart broke every time he shook because of a sob. And that's when you knew, you knew you didn't want to continue like this. This beautiful boy deserved a happy life and so did you. You may feel like shit right now but you were going to change that and you were going to help the blond headed boy who stopped you from taking your life genuinely smile too.

"It's going to be a long journey and I know the two of you feel like it would never get better but it will. And I'll be there for the both of you during that time" Doyoung said sincerely and you looked at Renjun who looked at you through teary but hopeful eyes. You brought your hand up to Renjuns face, wiping a tear away as you felt his fingers interlock with your free hand and smiled. He smiled back at you, eyes still shining with fresh tears and you looked at Doyoung who stood at the side with an unreadable expression (but you could make out the hint of pride on his face) and you gave him a single, sharp nod. "We're going to get better." You looked at Renjun, "We're going to move forward"

"We'll take baby steps"

This is the first time I've written something so heavy so feedback would really be appreciated.

Let me know about your thoughts on this story.

It took a long while to come to a final story line/plot and even longer for me to want to post this.

{Untitled yet}

Ruvik X F!Reader

Chapter 1

Warning: none, I guess?

Written by: me and @another-bryk-in-the-wall

(thanks to my best friend for beta-reading it!)

Sometimes the hours are blurring together on nightshifts. Sometimes they are extremely stressful. Emergencies where there are only two people on a shift.

Other times you have 6 hours of complete rest and boredom.

That day it was the latter.

You haven't been working here for long and already find this hospital to be “different from others".

Many employees were emotionally cold and absolutely not interested in anyone, while just some liked to make jokes with you and treated you like a normal person. Also, the whole atmosphere here seemed very private. There weren’t too many patients who were going out of their way to socialize or make friends inside of the hospital. Hell, most didn’t even leave their rooms.

You sat bored in the lounge with your mobile phone in hand until you suddenly heard footsteps. They reverberated eerily in the long hallway and you turned to face that direction, startled. It was rare that anyone was wandering the halls this late at night. You saw a man in a tight red uniform aiming to walk past you, not even acknowledging your presence.

Only when you took a closer look at him, did you notice his burn scars. They were covering half of his face. When he noticed that you were looking at him from head to toe you decided to greet him, instead of just awkwardly staring at him. A relatively meek "Good evening, Sir" came out of you. You felt very overwhelmed by his dominant presence, which intimidated you a bit. That feeling only worsened when you let your eyes wander to the top of his head... Was that his brain surrounded by glass? No, that couldn't be. You were surely imagining things. But, what if you weren’t. Oh god damn it, what had he been through?

He emanated a unique self-confidence unlike anything you had ever seen in anyone with facial scarring. Usually patients like that were unsure and shy, afraid of being judged over something they had no control over. Human beings could be downright nasty to anyone with a scarred face. Something about facial scars disgusted people and the victims could clearly feel the contempt of others and as a result, they tended to lose all confidence.

This man, however, seemed to practically ooze confidence, which you respected and you caught yourself of being fascinated by or more like interested in his presence. You felt how your heartbeat rose from 0 to 100 when you both made eye contact, though you tried all your best to keep yourself collected and professionally polite. But that didn't work that easily.

"Good evening.", the man replied, his face completely blank and his voice monotone. He was just looking at you without a friendly gesture, without a smile. The man was simply studying your appearance as well. One of the many abilities he gained over the years was that he could read people like an open book, left open for him to peak in. Someone had longer fingernails on their right hand and short on the left? Guitar player who doesn't want to destroy the neck of said guitar. Some dog owners always carried treats with them, even if the dog wasn’t coming along. All those little clues told him enough about a person before they even spoke their first sentence.

But you. He couldn't read you yet, and this peaked his interest.

You hadn't been here for a long time, because he knew all the long-term workers and their darkest secrets.

"Are you busy right now?", the man pointedly looked at the phone in your hand, currently playing a silly cat video. Truth be told, he enjoyed that kind of content, but would he ad this? Never. Absolutely never. He would rather get the other side of his brain exposed than to admit that he liked cat videos.

"I need some help with my studies. Care to join me?", that was a big lie but he was curious -

Who were you and why did you peak his interest more than the average nurse in here? He'd find out soon enough.

Only now did you wonder what he was even doing here during these late hours. He didn’t look like a doctor. Was he a lab assistant? He certainly looked like some sort of scientist.

Pressing your lips in a thin line with a weak smile you put my phone in your pocket and nodded, slightly mortified that he had caught you watching cat videos of all things. It surely didn’t look professional.

"No, I'm not really busy. I’m just having a long boring night- I mean, not that I’m complaining... I wouldn't wish for emergencies either. So, yeah… I’d be glad to help you," You fumbled a little over your words, still slightly unsettled by his presence.

You’d do nearly anything to escape the boredom of a quiet nightshift, though. And you weren’t really worried about him being some kind of serial killer. Sure, your colleagues were weird, but they weren’t really the kind of people to chop you to pieces and bury you in the closest forest. Weird didn’t equal serial killer. Besides, you were curious about the man.

You were walking next to each other in silence that was quickly going growing awkward. Nervously you were fumbling with your hands in your smock overall, thinking of starting any conversation just to get out of this uncomfortable silence.

"I've never seen you before. I'm still pretty new here. Do you work here as a laboratory or doctor assistant? Also, with many nightshifts? Is that really that common in this mental hospital? " You had narrowed your eyes questioningly when you looked up to him. By reading his facial expressions it didn't seem like he liked to answer you. His forehead was wrinkling in silent contemplation, which made you suspicious. It was unusual to have an assistant running around here so late at night.

Maybe you weren’t so far of with the serial killer suspicions. You actually contemplated hightailing out of there.

'Quick, think of an answer. She is just a pretty and naive nurse'

But even a little slip up could cost his head. He could tell by her tensing posture that she was seconds away from fleeing the scene.

‘That could end badly’

"I mostly work nights," he tried to keep his answers short and to the point. Laying on a confidence in his answer that he didn’t actually feel. He made sure to look her in the eye shortly and casually avert his gaze back to the hallway. If he didn’t look her in the eyes at all he would look like a liar and if he stared at her too much he’d look like one too. It was a delicate balance, that he had mastered over the years "That is because the nights are quieter and I can focus on the patients better this way."

You took a glance at him, still wondering about what his actual job was. His answer was too vague for your taste. But the curiosity was still grown inside of you.

You had decided to work in a mental hospital because the human psyche had always been kind of a mystery to you. Mental illnesses were both fascinating and tragic in your eyes. The mind was even more delicate than the body, in your eyes. It was so easy to break and healing it was a true challenge. It was your goal to help people with mental illnesses like depressions, dissociative disorders and PTDS.

So, you really wanted to know what this scientist - or whatever - was working on.

You both arrived at the door to his office. You signed an NDA before, but who knew what could happened once you opened mouth. He didn't trust anyone in this damn hospital.

"Do not be surprised by the sight in front of you once I open this door. All I am asking you is to check the vitals of the patients in the bathtubs. I want to make sure they are doing well but I am not entirely sure how to do that.", he lied through his teeth, ready to push you into one of the bathtubs once the chance was there.

Or could you be useful to him in the near future?

When you entered his so-called office after his warning you had expected anything - but that!

Never in your life had you seen a machine this far developed... It looked like something directly taken out of a science-fiction movie. The construction filled the whole room. There were wires everywhere, all connecting to a weird sphere in the middle of the room. Completely gob-smacked by the strange… whatever that was you took a while to take notice of the bathtubs. When you did, though you froze up immediately. There were people - no patients - in lying in the bathtubs, connected to the cables, which were attached to the back of their necks.

Like a statue you stood there for at least 20 seconds. Staring at one patient, you slowly went to him just to check his state. Curious to see if he was aware of his surroundings or if he was unconscious – maybe asleep . What was this system?

Could that reach possibilities to help several people out of mental illnesses or was this just a machine designed from a psychopath just for his own use?

And why would he need help from just a nurse like you?

You let out a sarcastic laugh, "Looking at this huge thing… I highly doubt that you don’t know how to check vital signs ", you shook your head and crossed your arms, taking several steps back, out of his direct reach. No way would you let him put you into one of these tubs!

You really wanted to run away and never go to the hospital again.

"So, tell me. What do you really want from me? Do you expect me to go into one of the bathtubs? Gotta tell you, that’s not gonna happen. I mean... not to sound judgmental. Because technically this could be something to help our patients. But I gotta tell you, this,“ You gestured towards the patient that was laying in the tub right in front of you, “looks quite suspicious and not very save. I hope the patients volunteered for this, because if they didn’t I have to report this. Don’t get me wrong, you seem to be quite intelligent and this looks interesting, but I cannot allow something like this to continue without - "

"- You are annoying. All I want you is to check the vitals of the patients and you are throwing a whole speech at me.", he shot back, not amused with your behavior.

"I am a scientist, not one of your doctors. What I am doing here could change the world forever. It is a system which helps people with heavy trauma to forge new memories and get rid of the trauma. Do you understand me?", the scientist continued to spit out. There was a look of passion in his eyes that you hadn’t seen before. They had looked quite dull and emotionless up to this point. It was clear to you that he truly cared about that project of his.

What you weren’t aware of was that the man had a plan. He'd snow you . Make you feel comfortable. And then, he'd put you in the bathtub too. The next one on his list would be Tatjana from the reception area. And then it was your turn.

What even was your name? He chanced a quick glance of your name tag, just enough to read "(Y/N)" on it.

"Listen to me, (Y/N). This is a top-secret project. If I find out you talked about it outside of this room, I will make sure you suffer great consequences. And trust me, I have my eyes and ears everywhere. Now go and check on the rest of these people before I get angry. Then, you may leave."

Author's Note:

I'm still unsure if I keep making this as a slow-burn whole Fanfiction or just cut the whole thing I'm planing into single parts like One-Shots

$$$PW: I want Mikan to have wheelies to escape her feelies$$$ *TW for potential suicide*

Hi, can I talk to Kaito Miu or Gundham please?

Hi, so I've got this relatively close friend of mine who recently just got out of a breakup with his girlfriend, he cared/ cares for her a lot, he's hurting a lot because of their break up, I think he's... contemplating his life choices if you know what I mean. I haven't heard back from him yet, but I'm trying my best to keep him from thinking things like... that, I know he is, anybody would be in that situation, but... damn it, what am I supposed to do????? I'm not a therapist, how can I help someone in pain, I can only take his mind off of things for so long... i just feel so bad.... It doesn't help that my aunt of all people's also having depressive episodes and talking to me of all people about it, I just feel kinda stressed since I'm going through my own depressive shit and doubts, Can I please get a hug??

Hey there anon! Of course you can talk to me, I'm always happy to help out! Aw man, breakups are the worst, and I'm not just saying that because it's a common thing to say. Losing someone you were  that close to stings pretty damn badly, and I'm really sorry your friend is feeling that pain. That sucks, it really really does. Oh damn, he's hurting that bad? That's really not good, and I'm glad you're aware of how bad that is. If you haven't heard back from him, get in contact with someone close to him like a family member. If you can't talk to him, talk to someone who can check on him and confirm he's still with us. You're right, you're not a therapist. And I'm really proud of you for realizing that. A lot of people without professional training try to handle these kinds of things and yeah, I'm guilty of that too. You're not a therapist, but you can get him to one. If things are seriously this serious, then work with the people around him. Make sure he's safe and getting the professional help he needs. Even if he told you not to tell anyone, this isn't something to keep to yourself. The more people that know and can help, the better.

Listen, there's no shame in having someone else help. You aren't trained to do this, and it shouldn't be your job to keep other people afloat, him or your aunt. Seriously, get a professional for your friend, that's priority one I think. As for your aunt, I think you need to tell her that you can't help her with what she's going through. Be nice about it, tell her she needs to talk to someone who's been to school for this and knows how to professionally handle these. That's not being selfish or anything at all. Taking on the extra weight when you're already going through your own things can be really harmful to you, plus a professional can help your aunt more than you can. For the record I'm not insulting your ability to help, it's just that the pros have knowledge that us non-therapists don't. Again, you shouldn't have to be in charge of carrying people.

Do what you can to get them professional help, but worry about yourself too. I'm sorry you're already going through shit, and I bet none of this is helping. Ok not to sound redundant, but you might want to talk to a therapist too. Therapists for everyone! I wouldn't recommend it if I didn't think that it would help, hell I've talked to a therapist before and that helped me out a lot. It's really amazing that you want to help others this much. I've totally been where you are, I was supporting so many people that my back almost gave out (metaphorically.) Yeah, it sounds like your aunt and friend are going through some serious stuff, and it's ok if that's too much for you. It's like handing off a baton. You carried it a long ways, and now you're letting someone else help so you can focus on you. Ok, I've used a lot of metaphors in this, so I hope it still makes sense. Bro, of course you can have a hug! You can have as many as you want for as long as you want. You've already done so much for the people around you. It's ok to worry about yourself now.

=

Shit, that sounds like a difficult situation anonymous, you know what the ironic thing is…I can understand that feeling all too well.. Of course I won’t have those kind of thoughts when it comes to feeling sad over a break up. Or love in general..

Enough of me moping, the important thing here is about your friend.. Break ups are difficult so I can understand why he would be feeling low already. The most you can do in this type of situation is letting someone close to him know, like a family member. There’s only so much you can do as a friend and a family member can be in contact with them more. If that makes sense, I’m sure it does in some way.  You’re already going through a lot too so reaching out to a family member is definitely the ideal thing to do here.

If worst comes to worst, you get authority involved. Hopefully things don’t get that intense…I really hope they don’t for your sake.. I know you want to help him anonymous, and thats great, but you can’t always be the one to fix problems for people.. You’re not responsible for other peoples action. That’s the hard truth, I know it might be some shit you don’t want to hear.

But it’s pretty shitty to have to worry about things like this when you’re already going through something.. But if professional help is what this needs, then that’s what needs to be done.

Well, a Dark Warlock such as myself has no means for love. However, from what I’ve seen from you mortals, a heartbreak is a severe illness that you can procure from breaking up with a significant other. Truly, my condolences go out to your friend, and hopefully that he may find a better relationship that shall last for eternity. However; him contemplating these certain “life choices”, has me worried. From what I can imagine... losing a loved one can make you feel as if the world is ending, and sadly not by my hand. That you feel as if you’re being swallowed by darkness; and that there is no means of escape. I applaud how you try and raise his spirits Anon, truly you would be a worthy ally to me. If you truly worry about what he may do, perhaps get his family involved? A friend can only do so much, you’ve done your job as far as you can; now you must rest. A therapist as well; I recommend that if you are to believe that he needs one.

You shouldn’t feel bad Anon, so many things are being put upon your shoulders, you can only take so much negative energy. Along with your aunt and the worry of your friend, you must be tired. And I applaud you for being able to handle both. Truly you are strong. I recommend having a sit in with your aunt with some other family members. Perhaps you may all discuss and be able to help each other, to grow closer. Don’t forget to take care of yourself as well Anon. You must relax from hearing all these despairing things.

Destiel Chronicles

Vol. XLII

It was a love story from the very beginning.

Just You and Me

(9x06)

Hello My Friends!!! How are you? I'm here again with another meta from this series. This time is time for a very Destiel one, episode 9x06 Heaven can't wait.

I know is a very analyzed episode, well known by all the FANDOM, so I will be quick with some scenes, just mentioning things that we all know, and pointing mostly how the characters felt during the different scenes.

I want to say thank you to my friend @agusvedder , she made the gifs for this meta and discussed with me the episode. Thank you girl! 😘💕

Pain-Lost-Depression

I'm gonna start talking about the Rit Zien (in enochian means HANDS OF MERCY), this different class of angels assisted in the battlefield helping angels wounded to heal, and giving peace (by ending with them) to those who were past saving, wounded with emotional damage.

Let's swim now through his victims in this episode and why he chose Castiel like one of them.

The first victim was a man who had lost his wife, so, he was depressed, he couldn't handle his lost, the love of his life. He had a huge pain he even called to suicide line. The Rit Zien appeared a vanished him, into micro molecules, and the color was PINK.

You know pink represents Happiness, so, we could infer this angel tried to give the pain a relief. To transform it into happiness in Heaven.

The second victim was a girl, who had just break up to his boyfriend, and she was saying this exactly words .. pay attention...

GIRL He dumped me, Jace. (pause) In the cafeteria. In front of everyone. It's just like ... who does that, you know? Like, why couldn't he just dump me on Facebook like a normal person? (pause) I've been destroyed. Socially and romantically … totaled. (pause) I know. I'm just so embarrassed, Jace. I could just die.

She's recalling us to Castiel, and how Dean dumped him from the bunker. And she's describing her feelings, so we can think Cas is feeling dumped, destroyed and embarrassed.

So... Then... Cas must be very upset with Dean. As we will see in the next point, he is.

But now, when the Rit Zien heard her asking for death, he just gave her death, and happiness in Heaven, as we could see when he transformed that girl in pink color.

So, two cases about two people in love, one had lost his wife, and was deeply depressed, and the second one was dumped by her boyfriend, feeling embarrassed.

And if you pay attention too to Castiel's singing to the baby, the lyrics are very melancholic... Flying away in a wing and a prayer... He misses being an angel, he said it again while he was trying to calm the baby, touching his forehead...

After talking with the baby about how it felt being a human all of the sudden, he says...

CASTIEL: (...) You know, it wasn't that long ago when all I'd need to do to ease your pain was touch you.

So... This is melancholy, sadness...

But let's come back to the logic of the victims... As I said first one... Two cases related with lover lost, a girl dumped by his boyfriend...

Then... Castiel being the third victim, shouldn't surprise us at all...

CASTIEL: It's a fever, Ephraim. It will pass.

(Cas thought the angel had came for the baby)

ANGEL (EPHRAIM): You remember my name? I was just a nobody when we met, but you – you were a legend. You've been here before. This is my first time, and it's ... intense.

The Rit Zien remarked Cas was a legend, so he felt honored he could remember his name, but also, and this is very interesting, he's talking about being surrounded by humans, and Hyman's feelings SO INTENSE. I'm pointing this, because there's a scene in the car with Dean in which Case says everything is different, about feelings, about being a human. I just want you to keep this in mind for the next points.

CASTIEL: How'd you find me?

EPHRAIM: Because you're warded? The same way I find all my patients – I just followed the sound of your pain. You have no idea how loud it is. I could hear you for miles

This has to caught our attention. Castiel is in pain, huge pain. He's depressed. He lost his grace, he had to for through being homeless, starved, facing our most deep decadency. And then he had to suffered Dean's rejection. Castiel, who had learn now what his feelings were. As a human, he's sure now that strong feeling he had for Dean is LOVE, and being dumped by him, leaving him in the streets again, is a deep pain, a deep wound, just as painful like losing his grace. So, his pain was loud.

Cas is mad at Dean, and Dean wants see him desperately

Okay, now that we talked about the case, let's focus in Destiel.

Castiel called Dean for the case... And Dean noticed Cas was kind of... Weird, and maybe mad, this made him anxious, and he decided to go to that case ALONE, and find Cas, just in case...

But really, the conversation they had by the phone is hilarious. First of all, Dean stood up and walked away from Kevin and Sam, when he realized it was Cas. Looking for privacy??

DEAN: Hello?

CASTIEL (calling from the Gas'n'Sip) I may have a case for you. (CASTIEL is cleaning the slurpee machine while he talks.) Four missing in Rexford, Idaho. (DEAN stands up, walking away from the table.) Presumed dead, but no bodies have been released to loved ones. And, there were reports of a strange substance at the scenes.

Okay, we'll just stop here, notice how Dean says HELLO but Castiel doesn't, he just goes straight to the point of his call, this is the first sign that he's mad, he wouldn't call, but he has this case, so he had to. Not a nice thing to do for him, because he would prefer no to pass for this. Not to talk with the one that dumped him.

DEAN: Oh, well, hello to you too, Cas. How are you?

Dean noticed that too, and he insists with the HELLO, and he asks how Cas is doing. He knows Cas must be mad at him.

CASTIEL: I ... am busy.

Cas cut him. He was actually, nervously trying to... Do something with the smoothie machine.

DEAN shakes his head.

DEAN All right. So, how do you want to do this?You want to meet up at the latest scene? You want me to pick you up? What?

Dean is proposing see each other, he wants to work with him, Dean wants to see him.

CASTIEL's efforts with the Slushy machine are not going well. A flood of liquid blue slushy mix spills out over the machine and onto the floor. DEAN hears the trickling sound and looks puzzled.

CASTIEL Um … I've got my hands full over here. I just – um...

And this is when Cas gets flustered and the machine is a mess of blue liquid all over the floor. Is not coincidence that when Dean offered Cas an encounter, the mess with the blue fuold happened. Is a consequence of Castiel feeling nervous, an encounter with Dean is something that gets him flustered. Nervous. Anxious. Now that Castiel is a human, he understands clearly what happens in his heart with Dean. He knows that feeling is LOVE. So, isn't that easy, being dumped, get mad, and now calling him, and now seeing him again? Too intense.

DEAN Cas? Hello?

Dean is convinced now that Cas is mad at him, so he decided to go ALONE to see him.

He invented some excuses because Sam wanted to go with him, he tries to minimize the importance of the case, but that made it more suspicious, so Sam asks...

SAM: So, he said nothing about where he is or – or what he's been doing?

DEAN: This is Cas. In case you forgot, he's not exactly Chatty Cathy.

SAM (incredulously) And you're not even gonna see him when you're in Idaho?

DEAN: Well, like I said, as long as he's catnip for angels, he's keeping his distance.

DEAN turns to continue walking, now leaving the room.

SAM: So then, what's the point, Dean? I mean, it's barely even a case.

Sam couldn't understand why his brother was almost running to that "not case" so fast, answering all his questions with not very truly answers.

DEAN (from a balcony, talking down to the other two) That's why I'm just gonna go have a little look-see, and … we're not gonna waste a whole lot of manpower on a big pile of nada.

And then Kevin gave him the perfect excuse...

Dean must be thinking... Thanks Kevin, over there... Finally alone, just Cas and him.

Jilted Lover and pining boy

We know Misha Collins said producers asked him to play this scene like a jilted Lover, and he did it perfect.

We had this classic Destiel scene... Dean talking with Sam by the phone, outside the Impala, drinking a coffee, we don't see more... Till this happens...

Dean lowered his head, because he had it covered, he doesn't need his brother help, because he has Cas. And he wants to be alone with him, this gesture, he gets a little nervous over there, like... Anxious... Why? Because he's doing this... This is his cover...

This is pining, my friends, no friend stays out of the window CONTEMPLATING his handsome best friend working, like... If this isn't pining what is is then? Why he would stop by Castiel's work, watching him for so long?? He wasn't afraid, because when he finally made his dramatic entrance, he wasn't ashamed, so, he just does it because he wanted to contemplate him. Because he is pining for him. Because he contemplates the man he loves. People that are in love do that. Period.

When Dean appears in front of Cas, Castiel's fav is priceless. He's surprised, but it seems like of his heart just gave a jump! Like OMG! HE'S HERE! WHY?

Look at the deception in Dean's face, again Cas is not saying him hello. And he was waiting for a better response. But, okay, Cas is mad, some maybe not a good response, but at least a HI.

After this, Castiel gets mad again because Dean is disappointed to find him working there and not hunting. Cas names the whole situations he had to go through, because he can't believe Dean shows up as if dumping him from the bunker was nothing...

CASTIEL: My Grace is gone. What did you expect? Do you have any idea how hard it was? When I fell to earth, I didn't just lose my powers. I – I had nothing. Now... I'm a sales associate (proudly)

Castiel is proud, he's showing Dean LOOK HOW I GOT THIS WITHOUT YOUR HELP. I DID IT BY MYSELF.

But Dean doesn't want this for Cas and mostly, he needs him back with him, even if it has to be just for one case. So he will try to convince him, just like the old times.

Then... Nora enters in the scene. At first Dean made his wtf and jealous face when he sees the heart eyes. And then he plays the NO HOMO BUDDY right there.

Trying to get some info, and the result is Cas has a date!

Flirting

After recognize the case was about a Rit Zien, Dean wants him to be aboard with him to stop the angel... But Castiel says this...

CASTIEL: But he just got here. The ebb and flow of human emotion – Dean, I've been on earth for a few years, and I've only begun to grasp it. To him, pain is pain.

And then this...

That's why I said before keep in mind the INTENSE word about Human's feelings. Cas is getting now what is this all about. He's getting know the intensity of the feelings... Love, hate, pain, depression, sadness, joy. He is experiencing all of them. That's why I truly believe he understood what he felt for Dean.

I readed once @amwritingmeta post about this scene here, and the second meaning of I NEED A RIDE and the face Dean made... And I laughed so hard, because she showed in that post the wishfully and lustful face Dean showed. Priceless. Pay attention... When Cas says I NEED A RIDE, Dean's imagination was... To... Where? Cas having a good ride? By whom? Him? Okay. Too hilarious, but Jensen did it. Jensen made that face in Dean's skin... Dirty pining boy for his ex hot angel.

Then he turned to Cas to see if he realized what he had just Sayed, and of course he doesn't!

So... Second meaning for flirting... Is not gonna work Dean...

Tony Manero

When Cas and Dean were in the car, and Castiel was about to get out on his date, Dean says this words that generally are used when someone who's in love with the person is about to having a date with a third one, says to stop him. And our hearts stopped right there... But Dean Winchester made it NO HOMO again, talking about the wardrobe.

Even Cas has a hint of hopes in his eyes, why Dean would choose those words right there? Because he was feeling like that, he was still flirting with him, he was jealous, and he didn't want to let the angel go. But his repressed feelings won't let him verbalize it. So... He plays it...

DEAN: Okay. Uh, lose the vest.

CASTIEL: What are you –

Even Cas doesn't get what Dean wants, not even Dean knows it either...

Okay this was very gay, very. And Dean drooling face calling his friend TONY MANERO like the pining boy he is for his gorgeous and hot ex angel friend.

Comparing Castiel with Tony Manero, Made us go to that movie immediately, and to one scene in the car between John Travolta (Tony Manero) and his friend, Stephanie. (Thanks to Agus for show me the scene and discuss with me this). And I know this had been talked largely in the fandom, the frames and the position of the actors were the same like Dean with Cas, but is very interesting the dialogue. Tony was helping Stephanie to move on into a new house with a married man who was using her. When Tony detects this, they both had a conversation in the car and Tony made a jealous scene. Asking for that man, saying her he was using her, and she breaks talking about how that man helped her, that she was alone. You don't know what I had to go through. Is a huge Cas parallel, when Dean starts to recriminate him about his job in the Gas'n sip. And a Jealous Tony is compared with jealous!Dean about Nora. And don't forget, Nora was using Castiel like baby-sitter.

So because Dean was jealous... He was acting like the best friend giving his buddy advices about the date. But he was being ambiguous, like half flirting and acting gay and half giving advices and no homo. The truth was, he was drooling for Cas, pining for him... Even my mom saw that!

But let's return again to Cas in his "date"...

We saw how Dean contemplates Castiel again while he was walking towards that door, collecting a rose, smiling like a dummie because Cas looks so cute doing that. And the writers showed us Cas sucking his finger because one spine hurted him? Like? Why show something so sexy while Dean is watching? Do I need to add more here?

This was a huge romantic Destiel scene, with reference to a romantic movie, and we were witness of that!

Good Bye

Another Destiel scene, and this will be the last, sorry for the extension of this meta, is the goodbye scene. We had Dean with a half I'm sorry (because he couldn't say the truth, and Cas being so sad.

Pay attention when Cas is leaving, Dean's painful expression, the guilt and the repressed feelings... He really wants to tell Cas everything and bring him home with him, desperately... But he can't, and is so painful to him. Castiel is sad too, their faces are... Just sadness and pain. They don't like to be apart from each other... Damn...

To Conclude:

Episode 9x06 was a very Destiel chapter. We had the reference to Castiel's depression for lost his grace and being dumped by Dean.

We had a desperate Dean to fix things with his angel, running at his first call, insisting for his help, desperate for having a hint just the two of them. Being jealous, flirty, and very in love with his ex angel buddy.

The car scene with the reference to Tony Manero (a bi vives character in one of the most famous romantic movies), and the two CONTEMPLATING THE LOVE OF MY LIFE scenes, marked this episode like one of the most romantic episode in the whole show.

I hope you like this meta, see you in the next!

Tagging @metafest @magnificent-winged-beast @emblue-sparks @weirddorkylittlediana @michyribeiro @whyjm @legendary-destiel @a-bit-of-influence @thatwitchydestielfan @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover @lykanyouko @evvvissticante @savannadarkbaby @trickster-archangel @dea-stiel @poorreputation @bre95611 @thewolfathedoor @charlottemanchmal @neii3n @deathswaywardson @followyourenergy @dean-is-bi-till-i-die @hekatelilith-blog @avidbkwrm @anarchiana @dickpuncher365 @vampyrosa @foxyroxe-art @authorsararayne @anonymoustitans @mybonsai1976 @love-neve-dies @wildligia @dustythewind @wayward-winchester67 @angelwithashotgunandtrenchcoat @trashblackrainbow @deeutdutdutdoh @destiel-is--endgame @destiel-shipper-11 @larrem88 @charmedbycastiel @ran-savant @little-crazy-misha-minion @samoosetheshipper

@shadows-and-padlocked-hearts @mishtho @dancingtuesdaymorning @nerditoutwithbooks @mikennacac73 @justmeand-myinsight @idontwantpeopletoknowmyname @tenshilover20 @teddybeardoctor @pepevons @helevetica

If you want to be tagged, just let me know.

If you want to read my previous metas about s9, you have the links here and here.

Buenos Aires, December 18th 2019 7:37 PM

BTS' Map Of The Soul: Persona

I am always in a continuous state of shock and awe whenever I even begin to contemplate the in-depth philosophical, psychological, and just overall intellect these boys possess.

Not only have they used various works of literature:

Demian- Wings

The Ones Who Walk from Omelas- Spring Day

but they have also been incorporating theoretical science:

Carl Jung's 4 major archetypes

since the very beginning!

And then to use a music industry as big as K-Pop to highlight the importance of knowledge and connect everything together...

That's beautiful.

It's genius!

So let me try and break some of it down now:

Carl Gustav Jung was a famous psychiatrist and psychotherapist who once proposed the theory that everyone's personality consisted of 4 separate entities:

The Shadow

The Anima/Animus

The Persona

The Self

and it was these 4 traits, or archetypes, that were believed to be the reasoning for why we as individuals developed personalities and certain behaviors. He also theorized that when an individual recognized and experienced all 4 archetypes that it would lead to self-fulfilment. So now let's break this down even further but from BTS' viewpoint.

The Shadow

From their debut through Dark & Wild, you can see that these were more chaotic times for BTS as they were trying to let the world know who they were, yet also trying to remain genuine at the same time. It's hard thing to do because, especially when referring to K-Pop, you are told you have to look, act, and exist in a certain way. You are to be idols and to model what's most popular when it comes to societal influence. This is exactly what Carl meant when he introduced the Shadow archetype. It's known to be the darker side of ourselves; the wildness and chaotic version that we use to try to repress some of our more negative thoughts.

BTS experienced the Shadow because they debuted with this "bad-boy" imagine and basically said F the system! Although they still had their personal beliefs and stances on life, they did kind of let themselves become manipulated by others wishes. Even some of the boys have had regrets towards the way they first acted. I mean RM, then Rap Monster, openly expressed how he wanted to change his name because he felt that title no longer applied to who he was. Same for the rest of the boys. They had just started out and were naive and some easily impressionable, no one should blame them for their early days, I mean I'm sure we all have times we look back on not too fondly as well.

The Anima/Animus

Jung believed the next step after the Shadow was the Anima/Animus, which represents the feminine (Anima) side of male's unconsciousness, while the (Animus) is the masculine side for the female's. This aspect was said to bring order or balance to an individual's life. Because we live in a society that is so concerned with separating one's gender as a way to normalize behavior as a whole, it has become almost impossible for us to have said balance because it is "not acceptable"; however, it's important to have those two separations to a person's behavior because it allows us to have positive and negative aspects for each.

Imagine if you had a man who was nothing but competitive and dominating all the time, yet lacked the nurturing skills of a women when it came to showing compassion towards a child or loved ones. Then imagine on the other hand, there's a women who has all the emotional capacity yet let's herself be pushed around and stepped on because she lacks an assertive nature due to said generosity and compassion. Neither one would be able to make it long in this world because they do not possess the balance from both sides to do so.

Relating this back to BTS, you can see the Anima appearing during the Love Yourself highlight reel, although it wasn't so clear to some until now. Most ARMY or casual supporters of BTS simply thought that these girls that appeared in the video were simply some type of love interest or previous relationship they had because including girls in idol groups' videos is nothing out of the ordinary; however, knowing about the archetype Anima/Animus, I have pieced together that these girls were actually not love interests at all, but they represented the boys' feminine part of their unconsciousness.

The reason I say this is because during the HYYH era MVs, you can see the destructive nature BTS are going through. Whether it be destruction of self or of personal relationships, it's obvious that they are still experiencing the first stage, the Shadow, and in order to move past it they must recognize the next one. The girls in the video are seen when the boys are at their happiest, AKA when they are experiencing balance from the uncertainty surrounding their lives. It is here we can see the growth of each member taking place.

(Photo credit: stussyjimin on Twitter)

The Persona

After we have the Shadow and Anima/Animus we move onto the 3rd stage: the Persona. This archetype is one of the most common ones that people find themselves unable to move past.

Societal constructs yet again have a huge part to play in this because we are constantly seeking validation from others in order to appease our own self-conscious tendencies. You see, the word 'persona' in Latin literary means 'mask', which is appropriate because when we reach this archetype we often force ourselves to wear a mask so that others might accept our perceived truths over the actual ones. Whether it be at work, home, in other public situations, or even online we all make the decisions to put on that mask, contradicting our own beliefs in order to seem likeable. These decisions don't even necessarily have to be life-changing, but any minor ones also alter an individual as a whole.

You see, where the Shadow's job is to let us repress our unacceptable behaviors to appear more relatable, the Persona highlights those new changes to keep up the charade of being accepted from what others expect from us. This could more easily be known as "people-pleasing". In order to reach our next stage the most important thing to keep in mind is that we as humans are not simply a sum of our Personas and we must find our true identity within ourselves.

Again, relating this back to BTS, it reminds me of 2 different concepts: Wings and Love Yourself: Tear.

With Wings, I mostly see it in the solos because each one specifically deals with some kind of pain or sadness due to outside influences. For example, in Jungkook's BEGIN, he mentions how helpless he felt during their debut and then how much it hurt him to see his hyungs going through dark times. In Jimin's LIE, he talks about his struggles with starvation and body imagery and how listening to negativity made him spiral out of control. V's STIGMA explains how he often feels like this absent family member to his brothers because of BTS' busy schedule and his inability to be there for them. Suga's FIRST LOVE expands on his depression and how he almost gave up his dream at one point, also turning his back on his first love which is music. RM's Reflection is almost like a conversation with himself conveying his insecurities and how hard he finds it to love himself because of how he's been perceived in the past. Hobi's MAMA, although the more happier track of them all, serves as a love letter to his mom confessing his hardships as well as how much he appreciates his mom for always having his back. Then finally we have Jin's AWAKE, where he pours his heart out about feeling inadequate compared to everyone else, yet he still is going to try his hardest. The boys showed us their personal struggles and how keeping up these charades for so long would end up tearing them apart. They knew they were missing the final link.

Love Yourself: Tear can also be seen in this way. In fact, RM explained that when writing and designing the concept for one of their most popular tracks from the album, Fake Love, he was trying to communicate the fact that, in life, we constantly find ourselves trying to fill a void in order to deem ourselves as whole, and often times this can be filled with love, but that doesn't specifically have to be about relationships. "We're saying that if you're not true to yourself, your love won't last forever. The love could be person to person, it could be between me and myself,".... "It's kinda deep."

See here he means that love doesn't necessarily have to be about a physical relationship, just like the Persona doesn't just have to be about the relationship you have with others. Even if the simplified version is often seen as "people-pleasing", it can also mean, in an inadvertent way, changing yourself or donning a mask in order to fool your own mind into loving those alterations you've made personally. Learning to love yourself and acknowledging your flaws is the only way to reach the final stage.

(Photo credit: dailyhoping on Twitter)

(YAJR#jkc at aminoapps.com)

The Self

The 4th and final stage to achieving personal fulfillment is known as the Self. This means that after having gone through all other areas of self discovery when reaching this stage there should no longer be any traces of doubts or identity loss left.

According to Jung, the Self is most often represented by the wise man/wise woman, especially when it comes to dreams. He once said that if there was a ever a time when a person dreamed of a wise figure, then it was an indication that self fulfillment is right around the corner. This is a lose interpretation though, it doesn't necessarily have to be an old man or old woman, some even think that people who serve as mentors to an individual, regardless of age, can also fit the profile. In the case of BTS however, I do believe that Jung's original idea was more of the inspiration.

If you recall during one of the trailers for Fake Love, there was the Magic Shop where the boys went to trade in objects for others. The vendor in charge of the shop could be considered as a sort of magician, which just so happens to be another character that is said to represent the Self. So knowing that and then if you see in the video that the objects traded by each boy connects them back to previous storylines, or sticking with Jung's theory, previous archetypes that can be used to remind them of hurt, pain, and darker times. The symbolism of this exchange can be interpreted as the boys relinquishing their previous lost identities to finally take that metaphorical step and receive the solution that will finally lead them to the Self.

Actually, if you look at the next MV that follows Fake Love extended version, you will see that it is the last song from BTS' latest album Love Yourself: Answer, Epiphany. The literal definition of the word 'epiphany' means a sudden realization, revelation, or insight, which in terms of the archetype, the Self, this could be a representation of the defining moment that shows BTS finding the final path to self fulfillment and true happiness. I'm not saying they've 100% reached the very top of the pyramid, but I do think that in deciding to make this the last track on the album, they are also treating the words as a personal message to all of ARMY.

This is their genius way of letting everyone know that the only true solution to achieving that final level of a well-developed Self, you must first experience a culmination of all previous archetypes and then integrate them all alongside the last:

One must learn to express hurt and emotions (the Shadow) before they can find a balance within (the Anima/Animus) to help counteract the mask and preconceptions (the Persona) others make us develop throughout life. It is only then will we be wise (the Self) enough to find the hidden truth.

Final Thoughts:

First of all, I want to say thank you if you made it through this whole post, I know its a little long and I truly appreciate it. 💜

Secondly, I want to reiterate that none of this is to be seen as a concrete answer to BTS concepts, song meanings, or their entire creative process as a whole, this is simply my thoughts and opinions and nothing more. That being said though, I am more than open and willing to hear both your theories on the symbolism BTS uses, as well as any constructive criticism you might have concerning this post. So please feel free to leave a comment ✌

Lastly, I have one more thing to touch base on and that is the recent announcement that was the inspiration behind this post being created in the first place. It's been blowing up the internet since it was first released, but in case you might have missed it, BTS has just dropped their comeback date (April 12th!) and the title is Map of the Soul: Persona.

See because I have such an interest in psychology/philosophy and especially loved studying Jung's work, when I first saw the title, and knowing how intellectual these boys are, I couldn't help myself from thinking that this new era could possibly have ties into Jung's 4 Archetypes. This then brought me to revist everything BTS has done up until now to see if I could be right, and that's when I realized they had already tackled the theory on the down low, or at least for most people; hence why I made this post, I wanted to create this in-depth analysis to help others understand the pure genius aspects that goes into BTS' concepts.

Now with that being said, if this new era and concept truly is going to draw inspiration from Carl Jung and his theories, then the above post is nothing more than a simple a taste of what's to come. Trust me, if it's BTS we are talking about, then everything I've said pales in comparison to what their truly brilliant minds can come up with. Either way I can't wait to see what's in store!!!

Thank you again if you read this and please feel free to share or leave your own comments. I would love to hear what you guys have to say! 💜💜💜

Could you maybe make a post with some of the most inspiring Daredevil pages? Stuff like him overcoming the Purple Man making him more depressed and hopeless in Waid's run, or the "I am Daredevil, and I am not Afraid." page from Soule's run. Those kind of pages always help me when I'm feeling down, it would be cool to see more in that vein.

    I love this request, and yes, I can definitely do that! I draw a lot of inspiration from Daredevil too (and superhero comics in general; that’s one of the purposes of the genre, in my experience), and refusing to give up when everything is falling apart is one of Matt’s trademark moves. Here are a few of my favorite moments– and I’m including the ones you mentioned, since I love them and want to make sure other people have seen them too. 

[ID: The Kingpin is brutally beating up Matt, who is in civvies. Matt falls on his back, his face bloody.]

Matt: “Never give up– never–”

Let’s start with a classic: 

[ID: Daredevil is fighting Namor. He tries electrocuting him, but the blast knocks him to the ground. As Namor walks away, Daredevil reaches out and grabs his ankle before passing out.]

Namor: “This is madness!! Does your own life mean nothing to you!?? Have you no sense of fear??”

Matt: “Sure! But I seem to have carelessly misplaced it somewhere! Now, just stand there for a second, fella– I want to try something!”

Caption: “Taking one last desperate gamble, Daredevil joins the two live wires, hoping to stagger his super-human foe! […] But, once again, the power of the Sub-Mariner is greater than any could suppose, and it is he who recovers first– while the Man Without Fear, despite his insulated gloves– lies weak, and dazed, and helpless…! Yet, how can one measure the limitless courage of a fellow human? Although on the brink of unconsciousness– although racked with pain and fatigue– still the sightless crusader reaches out–!”

Matt: “Come back! You– you mustn’t fight the others–! They’re innocent– mustn’t be harmed– mustn’t–!”

Namor: “[…] I have fought the Fantastic Four, the Avengers, and other super-powered humans, but none has been more courageous than he, the most vulnerable of all! And out of respect to the courage of Daredevil, I shall not injure any humans! I shall fly above the waiting armed forces– and return to the sea where I am supreme!”

Daredevil vol. 1 #7 by Stan Lee and Wally Wood

    The issue that introduced the red Daredevil costume also crafted one of the first memorable depictions of Matt’s boundless resilience. Namor the Sub-Mariner comes ashore to sue the human race, and hires Nelson and Murdock to represent him. When the situation goes awry, Namor becomes violent, and Matt tries to subdue him. While he gets thoroughly thrashed in this fight, Matt’s persistence impresses Namor enough to make him leave the human race alone (for now). That image of a nearly-unconscious Daredevil clinging to Namor’s ankle is fairly iconic, with– I feel– good reason. 

[ID: The Hulk backhands Daredevil a good distance, where he crashes into some trash cans. He is injured and bleeding, but he struggles back to his feet as the Hulk stands over him, deciding whether or not to finish him off.]

Hulk: “NO! Banner made the Hulk a monster and Hulk will find him, even if it takes forever!”

Matt: “Hulk… *koff*… you won’t find Banner… *koff*… this way. You can’t… *koff*… find Banner this way. The police… the authorities.. I-I want to help them understand… *koff*… and… *koff* … I want to help you. …But you’ll have to trust me.”

Daredevil vol. 1 #163 by Roger McKenzie, Frank Miller, and Glynis Wein

    This is, thematically, a very similar situation to the first scene. The Hulk goes on a rampage and Matt tries to stop him. Just as in the Namor situation, Matt loses this fight– he is nearly beaten to death, and is confined to a hospital bed for quite a while afterward– but his courage breaks through the Hulk’s rage enough to calm him down. This is a recurring theme in their friendship. Matt first meets Bruce Banner when he is hired to represent the Hulk in court, and from the beginning, Matt has been vocal in his support of Bruce and sympathy for the Hulk. Despite the danger, Matt never hesitates to put himself within smashing distance of the Hulk for the sake of helping him. 

[ID: A taxi is resting at the bottom of a river with its hood bashed in. Matt Murdock is unconscious in the front seat. We see a close-up of his eyes as they open in a defiant glare. The next few panels show the Kingpin standing at a window looking out, and photos of the cab after it has been pulled out of the river.]

Caption: “Unconscious but living, Murdock is placed in a stolen checker cab… The cab is driven off Pier 41 into the East River. Its safety belt and doors are corroded shut by a chemical process that is identical to rust. Murdock is drenched in whiskey. A bottle, open, is laid in his lap. The owner of the cab is beaten to death by Murdock’s stolen billy club. Days pass into weeks. Still Murdock is never far from the crimelord’s thoughts. He imagines one last, terrible moment of realization… of Murdock thrashing wildly, desperately, hatefully… screaming soundlessly into the poisoned water… The Kingpin shudders at the thought, in pleasure… The world seems flooded with sunlight. Daily business becomes a joyous, childlike game. He has disgraced, destroyed and murdered the only good man he has ever known. This is his triumph of the spirit.

“At last the cab is discovered. There is blood, and bloody evidence of a struggle. There is a shattered windshield… a safety belt, severed by the windshield’s glass and what must have been a hideous effort of will. There is no corpse.”

Daredevil vol. 1 #228 by Frank Miller, David Mazzucchelli, and R. Lewis

    This is, of course, from the famous “Born Again” arc, and I had a hard time choosing a scene, since the whole story is essentially a seven-issue-long depiction of Matt being knocked down and then standing back up. (I highly recommend reading it if anyone hasn’t, and I also summarized it here. I also cheated by including another scene at the beginning of this post…). However, the scene above is a turning point and possibly my favorite moment in the whole story. At this point Matt has lost it all: his friends, his career, his reputation, his money, and his home. In a fit of desperate, delirious anger, he attacks the Kingpin, who beats him unconscious and then– in the scene above– tries to kill him once and for all. The above issue starts with Matt curled up on a bed in a hotel room, unable to force himself to even move. He seems thoroughly beaten, and the Kingpin assumes the same, which is why he decides to stop toying with his victim and just finish the job. But in spite of all of this, Matt freaking Murdock refuses to die, and he somehow finds the strength to physically fight his way out of this seemingly unsurvivable situation. The fact that we don’t see him do it– that we only get the Kingpin’s reaction and that panel of Matt’s defiant glare after regaining consciousness– makes this act of resilience all the more powerful.       

[ID: Daredevil is fighting the Vulture (the Spider-Man villain). Daredevil pins him to the ground and starts punching him in the face.]

Matt: “A while ago, you said I secretly wanted to die. You were wrong. Cowards want to die. I’m no coward. I’m proving it– to you and to myself– by beating you… you– and everything you represent… the death and decay that eat away at a man until he surrenders… the horror that pulls you down into the pit! Well, I’m not the surrendering kind, mister! Got that? I never give up!”

Daredevil vol. 1 #225 by Denny O’Neil, David Mazzucchelli, and Ken Feduniewicz

    Matt is not at all a suicidal person (I’ve seen some fans claim otherwise, but he really isn’t), and this scene comes from a rare issue that covers that topic. It takes place shortly after Heather Glenn’s suicide, and it explores how the spectre of her death haunts Matt and Foggy’s lives afterward. In this story, the concept of death is represented by the Vulture, who Matt discovers trying to rob Heather’s grave. Later, he appears at the offices of Nelson and Murdock, which have just gone bankrupt. Upset by this loss, Foggy wanders up to the roof and contemplates his life, at which point he encounters the Vulture. Matt, fearing that Foggy might kill himself, goes up after him in costume and tries to fight the Vulture off. For a moment, during the fight, Matt contemplates whether he actually wants to lose, before returning to his senses and defeating both the Vulture and his own dark thoughts. 

[ID: Daredevil is fighting a huge crowd of grotesque-looking demons while carrying a lit torch. He holds up the torch and the demons scatter.] 

Matt: “My whole life, endless fighting. What a fate. I wonder, could I change that fate? No matter how many I kill, they keep on coming.”

Mephisto: “Ha ha ha ha ha! I love it! That’s it, you big hero. Keep fighting. Fight till you drop that torch.”

Matt: “What if… what if I just stopped? If I just stopped fighting. If you stop fighting, isn’t the fight over? Yes. Yes, yes, yes. They can’t touch me. Okay, Mephisto. I’m coming for you. You made a mistake. You believe your evil breaks a man. Sometimes it does. But when it doesn’t break a man– it makes him even stronger.”

Daredevil vol. 1 #281 by Ann Nocenti, John Romita Jr., and Christie Scheele

    This is from Matt’s literal trip to Hell in Nocenti’s run (Hell is a cosmic setting in the Marvel universe, and Mephisto is a recurring antagonist, so this isn’t quite as bizarre as it sounds…). While trapped in a seemingly endless wasteland and attacked by hoards of demons, Matt musters enough free will and spirit (as represented by the fire he’s carrying) to not only survive, but to actually challenge Mephisto. It’s great. 

[ID: Matt is crouched on the side of a building at night, in the rain. He is wearing the Daredevil suit but has taken the mask off. He puts his hand to his face in emotional anguish.] 

Matt: “I’ve got to pull myself together. My world is falling apart and I am helping it every single step of the way. I have to focus. Focus. Foggy is right. My entire life– everything is up for grabs. Everything I’ve built– everything I am– can be taken away from me. Have to center my energies. Have to think. Focus. Center and focus. Center and focus. Don’t listen to their camera motors and their cell phones. Don’t listen to them. The phone calls. All I hear is my name over and over: Murdock. Murdock, Murdock. That name is not theirs to say. It’s not theirs! It’s mine. They’re stealing it from me. No! Stop it. Center and focus. Center and focus. Center and–”

Mugging victim (off-panel): Noooo!”

Matt: “Focus.”

Daredevil vol. 2 #35 by Brian Michael Bendis, Alex Maleev, and Matt Hollingsworth

    I love this little moment from Bendis’s run. It’s small and subdued, but highly moving in the context of what Matt is dealing with in this story. His identity has been made public, there are crowds of reporters camped outside his home, his entire life is at risk of falling apart, but he takes this second to pause, think, and regain some sense of control.  

[ID: Matt stands up and prepares to fight. He is armed with two tonfa, and is wearing black clothes reminiscent of his Man Without Fear costume, but without a mask. His head is bandaged.]

Matt: “You think you can… turn me into a blubbering wreck… by preying on my fears… but I’ve already faced them– and come out the other side! You understand me, Calavera? I know what I am… who I am… and I am not afraid!”

Daredevil: Reborn #4 by Andy Diggle, Davide Gianfelice, and Matt Hollingsworth

    The Reborn mini-series follows Matt’s attempt at emotional recovery in the aftermath of “Shadowland”. Having quite literally lost his identity and had his spirit broken by getting possessed by a demon, he goes out west and, through helping right some wrongs in a small town in New Mexico, he reaffirms his sense of self.  

[ID: A stormy winter night. Ferry pilots (Sid and Ronnie, off-panel) are waiting for Daredevil to resurface from the river. As their ferry moves away, Daredevil hauls himself out of the freezing water and onto a dock.]

Sid: “It’s been a while, Ronnie– think he’s still down there?”

Ronnie: “Sid– you a moron? Where else would he be?”

Sid: “Beats me. Just askin’. It’s too bad– looks like he went back down there for nothin’. ‘Cept maybe to die.”

Ronnie: “Well, I’m not givin’ up just yet.”

Sid: “No? Why not?”

Ronnie: “’Cause I don’t think he would.”

Daredevil: Dark Nights #2 by Lee Weeks and Lee Loughridge

    The first Dark Nights story is a celebration of Matt’s willpower, as he travels through a blizzard to deliver a heart transplant to a dying little girl. I particularly love this scene, in which Matt dives into the river to rescue the heart and the pilots transporting it from their crashed helicopter, and despite the cold and his exhaustion, he powers through and survives the experience.

[ID: Daredevil is bleeding and horribly injured, and crouched in the mud under a bridge. The Purple Man is standing above him, about to hit him with a plank of wood.]

Purple Man: “Shouldn’t you be angry? Shouldn’t you put up a struggle?”

Matt (caption): “But that’s how far down the pit I’ve fallen. I can’t even respond to his orders. 

Purple Man: “Come on. This is too easy. Don’t rob me of a victory I’ve waited years for.”

Matt (caption): “All I can do is sink into the blackness. I can’t feel pain. I can’t  move because I have nothing to push against. Nothing.”

Purple Man: “Show me some fear.”

[ID: Daredevil kicks the Purple Man, then falls back to his knees. ]

Matt (caption): “That. That, I know how to fight. Get up. You have momentum now. Don’t lose it. Don’t let the shadows pull you back in. Inertia is the enemy. Do something. Move. Move, Matthew.”

Daredevil vol. 4 #10 by Mark Waid, Chris Samnee, and Matt Wilson

    I’m glad you mentioned this scene because it’s one of my favorites too, as is this story arc as a whole. Waid’s depiction of depression is visceral and heartrending because it’s something he himself suffers from, and that realism makes Matt’s struggle to move forward and fight against his despair all the more impactful.  

    As an extension of the above moment, Matt’s decision to talk with Kirsten at the end of the issue (which I discussed at length here) is also breathtaking.  

[ID: A black page with a red heart monitor readout at the bottom. It flatlines, then spikes once.]

Matt (caption): “I cannot see the light. So I will be the light. I am Daredevil. And I am not afraid.”

Daredevil vol. 5 #612 by Charles Soule and Phil Noto

    And this moment– there’s nothing more badass than Matt literally willing himself back to life! “I am Daredevil. And I am not afraid” is a refrain that is repeated throughout Soule’s run, which is a neat way of tying his run together and emphasizing Matt’s relentless determination. 

[ID: Matt is alone in a gym, struggling to walk between two parallel bars. He falls, then, with a huge effort, pulls himself back up.]

Jack (off-panel): “Fear’s of no use to us, Matt. We have to live with it, but it’s not for anything. But pain? What’s pain for, Matt? What’s pain for?”

Matt: “Pain keeps us going.”

Man Without Fear vol. 2 #5 by Jed MacKay, Danilo Beyruth, and Andres Mossa

    The new Man Without Fear was another great recovery story, and gave us this really great moment when Matt, after suffering through the physical and emotional destruction of being hit by a truck, finally regains his fighting spirit.

    I also wanted to include a few scenes of other people being inspired by Matt’s courage and resilience, because there are some great ones. Here’s one of my favorites, from Waid’s run:

[ID: Foggy is sitting in a circle with a group of fellow cancer patients. They are all wearing Daredevil shirts.]

Foggy: “Ah, excellent. You all dressed for the occasion. I’ll be straight up with you folks. I have a friend. He’s probably the bravest man I’ve ever met. And no matter how much I beg him to teach me to be like him… in the whole time I’ve known him, I’ve learned only one thing about fearlessness: it’s contagious.”

Daredevil vol. 3 #31 by Mark Waid, Chris Samnee, and Javier Rodriguez

    I love this aspect of Foggy’s cancer plotline– the fact that Foggy uses Matt as a source of inspiration for facing his own fear. These two have always been emotional anchors for each other, providing moral support and guidance in difficult times, and that’s part of what makes their friendship so powerful. Here, Foggy is largely on his own. Matt can’t punch cancer, and Foggy doesn’t even tell him about the symptoms at first. But from the very beginning, Foggy latches onto Matt’s fearlessness as a way of fending off his own terror about the diagnosis. As I said at the beginning of the post, part of the purpose of superhero stories is to serve as inspiration for their readers to be kind and courageous in their own lives, and it’s wonderful when characters within those stories are impacted in that same way by the superheroes around them. To take this concept one meta step further, Foggy’s cancer story– the whole thing, including his drawing strength from his best friend– is in itself a hero story for readers who may be going through similar experiences. 

[ID: Flashback panels colored in black and white with hints of red. Matt (in civvies) is attacked by a group of ninjas on a city street. He fights them while Foggy runs and hides around a corner.]

Foggy (caption): “When you were around, it was different. The fear wasn’t so real. I was still freaked whenever anything happened… my nerves were a car wreck… but even as I was sweating bullets, I somehow knew I was safe. Because of you.”

Daredevil vol. 2 #88 by Ed Brubaker, Michael Lark, David Aja, and Frank D’Armata

    …And another great Foggy and Matt scene, this one from “The Secret Life of Foggy Nelson”, one of my favorite issues of Brubaker’s run. Foggy has been separated from Matt against his will, and in his isolation and fear, he reflects on their friendship and draws strength from Matt’s example. 

[ID: Luke Cage is sitting comfortably in a chair, legs crossed, directly addressing the reader.]

Luke: “Daredevil. I know him pretty well, actually. Well, as well as he lets anyone know him. End of the day, without question, he’s one of the best. Ever. I’m not going to get into who he is and how he became who he became. And I know there are a lot of people who think they know all there is to know about Daredevil and all of his secrets. But I can tell you from personal experience that the information that’s out there about him is pretty much crap. Let’s just leave it at that. All you need to know about Daredevil is that this man has sacrificed everything to try to make this city safer. He has lost more and suffered more for his dedication to you than, well, anybody I know. And I know some people who’ve suffered and lost. He ain’t the strongest of us, and he ain’t the flashiest… but Daredevil cannot be brought down. It cannot happen.”

New Avengers vol. 2 #16 by Brian Michael Bendis, Mike Deodato, and Rain Beredo

    And last but not least, here an excerpt from a great speech Luke Cage gives after Matt joins the Avengers. Even other superheroes– all of whom tend toward superhuman resilience– are impressed by Matt.  

I think i want to be a girl, but I'm not sure. I've always hated my voice and appearance for being too masculine, but I'm worried about not transitioning well or what hrt may do to me. What should i do to understand this more and how can i become more certain of myself? I've also always hated my body but I'm not sure i have dysphoria or what it really looks like in action because some days i really just can't look at myself in the mirror without wanting to cry and facial hair makes me depressed.

What you've described is straight-ahead textbook dysphoria: hating your secondary sex characteristics (e.g. facial hair, deep voice, anything that makes you look masculine), not being able to look in the mirror, etc. You sound trans to me, girl. Here's another trick. Sometimes, euphoria is easier to identify than dysphoria. How does it make you feel when people see or treat you as a woman? How does it make you feel to imagine waking up one morning with female sex characteristics? If there was a button you could push and you'd suddenly be a woman, have gone through female puberty, everyone would remember you having always been a "she", etc., would you push the button? There isn't such a button, of course, and transition isn't exactly the same thing. So, what can transition do? What would hormone replacement therapy do to/for you? What's realistic to expect? Transition is a scary unknown to you right now, so information is your friend. It may be useful to read transition narratives, check out trans timelines (pictures and videos), read informed consent documents about the effects of estrogen HRT, and talk to a doctor (general practice or endocrinology specialty) who has trans patients and experience overseeing their transition. One thing I want you to do is separate your fears about transition from the question "Am I trans?" "It would be too hard / scary to transition, and it would be easier not to be trans, therefore I'm not trans." This is a common line of thought for questioning folks, but unfortunately, this isn't the way it goes. You don't get to choose to be trans only if transition seems easy and pleasant. That's a form of bargaining, and it doesn't work. Either you're trans or your not, regardless of whether you ultimately decide to transition. Trans with fears is still trans. Trans with doubts is still trans. Trans without transition is still trans. Another piece of your question I want to dig into is the idea of "transitioning well." This could mean many different things, but I'm going to start with the superficial (how transition might make you look), not because I think it's the most important, but because it's what many people worry about first. Specifically, people contemplating transition often have fears about whether or not they will "pass" (read as a cis person of their gender to strangers), and whether they will be cute, which often ties into fears about whether they will be able to find love.I have no idea how well you'd pass or how cute you'd be or whether you'll find love, but I can tell you this:Most people are pretty bad at evaluating their own appearance. Trans people particular often have a distorted view, as dysphoria causes you to exaggerate undesirable secondary sex characteristics. It's really common for trans women who have not begun transition to despair, "I'll never look feminine enough." (Same for trans men despairing, "I'll never look masculine enough.") This has pretty much no relationship to reality.Many trans people find that passing is less important / desirable to them over time.Right now, you're most likely steeped in cis beauty standards which value cis beauty over trans beauty. As you spend more time amongst trans and queer people, you may begin to find that your beauty standards change. There exist people who date, love, and are genuinely attracted to trans people - YES, even trans people who "look trans" and/or who do not meet cisnormative beauty standards. Being true to yourself has a way of making you more attractive. Being happier has a way of making you more attractive. Loving yourself has a way of making you more attractive. All of these things also have a way of making your life richer and fuller WHATEVER you look like. You worry about the unknowns and downsides of transition, but you're overlooking a major upside: living without dysphoria. Imagine NOT hating your reflection. Imagine NOT feeling sad about your body and your face. If you've always lived with this (or since puberty), you may find it difficult to imagine! While I can't promise that transition will make your dysphoria 100% go away, it usually makes a huge positive difference to trans people; that's why we do it. 

Depression...

My experience of dealing with social anxiety is a feeling of overwhelming fear when interacting with individuals I wasn’t comfortable with. I was unable to look people in the eye when speaking to them, and struggled to keep a conversation going. I came off as both extremely quiet and shy, as well as rude, which anyone who knows me well knows I am the opposite of.

During this period of my life my self-confidence was at an all-time low, and I felt disgusted every time I looked in the mirror. I stayed away from people as much as I could, and felt I made an embarrassment of myself whenever I went out in public. I constantly had a voice in my head saying “Why would anyone want to be friends with you? You are ugly and pathetic.”...

I love summer. Lighter evenings, longer days, warmer weather, summer dresses, perhaps even some sun if we’re lucky. Generally speaking, as seems to be common with most people I speak to –  when the sun is out, I’m in a better mood. However, as someone who also experiences periods of depression, I’ve found that this isn’t generally the case when it comes to my mental health.I’m fortunate that I’m currently in a much better place at the moment but, when I think back to a few years ago, I found the summer months to be an immense struggle.When the clocks sprung forward, it all felt a little bit daunting. The things I’d usually look forward to about the change in seasons now served as reminders that I really wasn’t ok.The lighter evenings and longer days meant more time counting down the hours until it was dark enough to go to sleep. The warmer weather meant more plans to cancel and, as a result, more excuses to make up. I couldn’t even muster up the enthusiasm to decide what to wear each day – something which would ordinarily bring me a lot of enjoyment – and so the summer dresses stayed at the back of my wardrobe.Perhaps depression is a little easier to understand in the winter. It’s dark, it’s cold, most people are spending evenings at home not really doing much. If I was having a particularly bad day / week / month, it didn't feel so wrong to get home from work, change into my pyjamas and just go to bed.Yet when summer rolled around, it seemed as though everyone was out and about having the ‘best time ever’. 

And then there I was, struggling to get out of bed.For someone experiencing depression, it can be difficult to watch those around you enjoying themselves. I'd mute group chats so as not to be met with the constant barrage of plans, I'd excuse myself from after-work drinks, and I'd invent reasons not to attend BBQs and family gatherings.“But it’s such a nice day…” people would say, “you should get out the house, it might cheer you up."Yes it was a nice day but, whilst their words were well-meaning, they simply weren't helpful. I already felt as though I was wasting my summer and I knew I should get out the house, but it just didn't seem possible. A nice walk on a sunny afternoon might do wonders if I'm just having an 'off day', but depression is so much more than that, and a sunny afternoon isn't a cure.Depression doesn't care about the weather, your weekend plans, or the birthday coming up that you'd do anything to be able to enjoy. It doesn't think to itself "summer is here, time for me to disappear for the next few months."

That isn't how it works.I'm in the fortunate position of having friends I could be honest with. Friends who would still keep inviting me to things 'in case I felt up to it' and didn't judge me when I stopped replying to messages for days or weeks on end. They'd suggest shorter periods of socialising that felt a lot less daunting, and remind me that they were still around if and when I felt up to going out.In more recent years, I've managed to enjoy my summers without the weight of depression casting a shadow over them to quite the same extent, and for that I'm incredibly thankful. I think my own experience has also made me more aware of how others might be feeling, and I'd encourage anyone who thinks a friend might be struggling to try to understand and have a little patience. 

Some people understand it, some think it’s an attention call. For me, depression is like that pile of laundry that you don’t want to show in your Instagram pictures. I never want to show my pile of laundry to the world, I want my life to seem happy and put together, as if I folded and put away all my laundry right out of the dryer.Ever since high school I have suffered with extreme depression and anxiety. I can defend the issue for hours and hours, however I get embarrassed when I feel sad. I get so embarrassed when I am sad and those around me do not understand and treat me as if I’m crazy.Typically most of my life I’ve always just been called dramatic when I’m upset. It has become one of my biggest triggers, because most of my life I haven't had that fight to defend it. I just, quite simply, let it eat at me.Depression can be the hardest when others just don’t understand you. I get sad for no reason so often that I’ve created safe spaces. In our current home, my safe place is my bathroom floor. Probably about at least three times a month you can find me locked in my bathroom on the floor, crying. The lock on that door is the only form of power I feel I have at that moment.

I see you.

I share this because it’s real, I share this because everyone has that pile of laundry.

I know everyone may not have depression, but everyone has something hard they’ve experienced, everyone has something to share and everyone has something to relate to.

Many times I have found myself on that bathroom floor contemplating life and how to make it past that very moment, will I? I have to say how thankful I am that I haven’t followed through. Life is so hard. Sprinkle on some depression, heck, dump it on - and life is now even more hard.Please don’t ask me how I can be so sad I could contemplate suicide. Because honestly I do not know, nor do most people in that situation. How did we make it to this moment? What did I do to deserve this sorrow?You never know who is hurting. Those who are, we often are the most resistant, waiting for a hand to be held out for us to grab onto as the pressure of our mental being closes in on us.Check up on those who are quiet, those who check up on you; maybe conversation is being sparked due to their need to communicate. Let’s talk about our hard times, it’s healing, not embarrassing.So, here’s my laundry pile. You’re not alone.

 Depression is not an emotion - it's an illness

Ah, mental health stigma surrounding depression. The worst that's been said to me in all these years having depression is:"Don't go and have a moment on me!""Don't quit your job. I know your job has been making you feel depressed but you're being stupid. You haven't tried hard enough.""Is that all your depressed about?""Stop being ungrateful and take your Great Aunt's advice!"

Please, stop.

This is not me being lazy, ungrateful or selfish. This is me dealing, sometimes suffering, with depression. This is my demon running its black toxins through my head, poisoning my thoughts and feelings.

Depression is not an emotion, it's an illness. A completely and utterly illogical illness. Just like with colds, for example, some colds can just be a little sniffle, sneeze, etc, while some colds can completely wipe you out and keep you bed-bound for x amount of time. Whether you have a mild cold or one from hell, you still have a valid cold. People with the strongest immune systems can still be affected by them.

From an outsider’s point of view, sure, they would be able to see the positive things going on in your life. However, when depression strikes, for me at least, it feels like a part of my brain has turned off the switch to be able to enjoy things. If it's really bad, I'm unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel with whatever I'm dealing with. I can also feel like a shell of a person sometimes. It's as if my brain has temporarily sucked up my personality and misplaced it somewhere else. I'm there but not there at the same time.

I don't choose to do this, depression is basically trying to tie me down in a chair at the cinema, forcing me to watch its fake "reality" tale about how my life will always be rubbish, dark, etc and how I'm worthless. Sometimes I can fight it off, but other times it can catch me off guard and I believe it for a while. Depression, by the way, is one hell of a liar.

The best way I can describe the switch being turned off is while you can see the beautiful colours of the world, I only see black, grey and white. My favourite meal in front of me is suddenly tasteless mush. My favourite TV show/YouTube channel is changed to, what feels like, a very boring presentation about something I've never been remotely interested in. Going out with loved ones can feel like everyone is spinning around me in fast motion while I'm sitting there in slow.

Depression is one of the worst things I have ever experienced, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Thankfully over the last 9 years I've learned to differentiate my depression thoughts from my healthy thoughts. I know my depression is just trying to make me watch a fake tale about me and my life, like how I described earlier, but I know I can beat it each and every time it knocks me. Depression might be strong but I'm much, much stronger.

Please do not judge other people's struggles and do listen to what they have to say. Their mountain may be a molehill to you, but everyone is different and everyone’s feelings are valid. Please, please always remember that.

For a long while, I've been having issues with mental health. I remember asking my mum one day years ago if hearing and seeing things was normal and her response still sticks with me. "You're too young and don't know what REAL mental health problems are."

At the time I was incredibly depressed, anxious and scared of myself and what I might do. Whenever I tried to reach out and ask to see someone for help because I was seeing things, she always gave an excuse to dismiss what was going on, like I needed more sleep or I needed to "stay off that phone!". I just wish she might have listened a bit more, instead of brushing me off as lying, or getting angry and impatient with me. If she had been more supportive, I would have felt more capable of handling myself during my bad episodes. 

Considering that not even my own mother would believe me, I truly felt alone and thought that no one would listen to me and brush me off as liar or even a fake. It made it hard for me to reach out for help or take care of myself in the ways I needed.

Now that I'm in my later years of university and I'm in a relationship, I've had to be truthful to myself and acknowledge that I do have issues that need help with. It's taken me even longer to learn how to trust people, that people will reach out to help me if I ask for the help I dearly need. That I won't be told I'm too young or it's because I'm tired or because I'm on my phone too much before going to sleep.

It's taken me years to realize that I need help and that no one but me can choose whether or not what I'm dealing with is real. I don't need someone to compare their own experiences to mine and deem my cry for help as valid or not. But if I had a parent that believed me and took me to someplace where I could've gotten the help I needed, I think I would've been able to cope better with my conditions now.

Some people fail to realize that mental health doesn't discriminate against age and sadly for me it was the person I looked up to most that failed me.

I never know how to explain depression to someone. It’s so different for everyone and comes in so many different forms. Some people describe their depression as a weight that holds them down, ever-present and demanding of their time. Others describe it as a shadow that looms in the back of your mind, always taunting and jabbing and trying to tear you down. Some days, you just have thicker skin. And then sometimes, depression is described like drowning. It’s wading in an ocean of poison and barely catching your breath before you’re dragged back under. 

I don’t think people understand that depression is constant. Some days it doesn’t feel as heavy, it doesn't tug and pull as hard. And other days, it knocks you down before you can even get out of bed. 

I am always fighting this constant battle with myself. I may smile and laugh and seem happy, but know that, somewhere, in the back of my mind I'm struggling. The happy interludes, the in-between where the weight doesn’t feel as heavy, are simply vacations from the reality that is my depression.

It makes me feel like a failure, no matter my successes. I feel worthless and like I’m a burden on everyone around me.

My depression is a beast that lives inside me. It whispers horrible things in my ear, tells me that I am waste of space. And all the while, I have to smile and pretend I’m okay.

That life isn’t beating me, no way. I’m too stubborn for that. I have to pretend that there isn’t some rabid animal inside of me, clawing to get its grip around my throat and snuff out my life. 

People who don’t have depression don’t understand. But they can still be there for people like me. When they say something that scares you, don’t yell. Don’t get angry because you don’t comprehend how their mind works.

My mind is a scary place. I shouldn’t need to open up and spill my darkness for your compassion.  

Support people with depression, even if you don’t understand. Just be there. 

Oh, hi!! I'm the person who requested the gay Yoosung post and for some reason when you said to read the rules I didn't think they had changed?? I'm so sorry ;;; instead of the whole RFA reacting to finding out Yoosung likes guys, maybe just Zen, Jaehee, and V? I think there's might've most interesting to hear....either way, again, I'm so sorry!

You're okay, buddy! I hope this is okay! Sorry if its long. Just as a heads up, Mc might be dating different people in each scenario.Jaehee- Yoosung hardly saw Jaehee outside of the messenger. They were friends? Kinda? But not enough to plan hang out days, especially when she was so extremely busy.- Granted, they were still close, since she was always willing to give him helpful advice. Even when his questions were stupid.- Often, after work if she didn't have to work over, she would stop by whatever local coffee shop was still open and grab a drink to help her get through finishing some reports. The most interaction she would have would be with the cashier, given that she didn't have many people she could consider friends, if at all.- Though, as she turned around and went to leave, she spotted a familar face at a coffee table. Yoosung. He looked nervous, fumbling with his hands a lot as he sat at a table alone with a half-empty coffee. She was tempted to go say hi, or ask what he was doing so far from his dorm, when some man rushed past her to join him.- They apparently didn't know each other well, with how Yoosung scrambled out of his seat to awkwardly shake the other's hand, and she could tell he was stuttering from her place at the counter.- All the while Yoosung's cheeks stayed a solid pink. After a moment of watching, their eyes met, and she had never seen Yoosung look so scared before. Weird... She gave him a small wave, and went on her way.- It wasn't until the next morning that she checked her phone, surprised by the slew of messages from Yoosung.- First he was explaining that he was just meeting a friend, then how he couldn't say sorry because he didn't want to be rude to his date, and then there were a good five texts of him panicking over saying 'date' before a message begging her not to tell anyone.- Already confused, she called him to sort whatever this was out while she started getting breakfast ready. Yoosung answered immediately, and it took her a few tries to get him to stop stuttering excuses and to let her talk.- "Yoosung, I never have any direct contact with your family, so I have no idea why or what it is you're not wanting me to tell them."- Granted she had an idea, but she didn't want to risk being wrong. Better to let him explain it.- Once he finally got the full story out, about how he was branching out and seeing if he might 'swing the other way', Jaehee started brewing a cup of coffee for the day, already desperately needing one.- "Yoosung. It personally does not matter to me who you get involved with, no matter the gender. All I care about is that you stay safe and don't get mixed up with people who are bad for you. But yes, I won't mention this to anyone else until you do. Your secret is safe with me."- "Really?"- "Yes, really. So cheer up, get ready for school. You're completely normal and no one is upset. If your parents get mad, well. I'm sure the R.F.A. will help you out no matter what. And as long as you keep the place clean, you would be free to come here, if it was necessary."- She never thought she could hear someone cry more than the characters from the dvds she owned, but...At least it was happy crying.V- It was hard. For the both of them. When Mc had gotten together with Jumin, one if her requests was for V and Yoosung to try to get along more. Jumin backed the idea up wholeheartedly, insisting it would be for the benefit of the whole R.F.A.- And now, months down the line, their relationship was a little better. Not the best, but it was decent enough to where Yoosung could start trusting him little by little. Especially when V had opened up about Rika more. Even though it had hurt, Yoosung appreciated finally getting some insight on why she had hurt herself.- Now they were on a trail. Yoosung was helping V carry some of his camera equipment. Nothing too much, especially since the man's eyes still weren't the greatest, but...Yoosung wanted to at least humor him, even if these trips never produced any photos.- They sat down at a clearing and appreciated the view. There were no sounds of city life, just endless noises of the preserved woods, and Yoosung felt...calm. Safe. Like he wasn't recovering from a hectic school year and depression.- He assumed, from the soft sigh from V, that he felt the same.- They listened to the noises around them for a while, Yoosung contemplating on if he could tell V just one thing that he had been struggling with lately. With V, he felt like he would be taken seriously about it. No teasing, no chiding that he didn't know any better- They were still at the stage of repairing their friendship, that V took every word Yoosung said seriously.- Or maybe that was just how the man was, and Yoosung had never noticed.- "Yoosung, you've been quiet lately."- "Mhm."- "...Do you have more questions?"- He always did. Always had questions that the answers were always unsatisfying, but he had a different one today.- "Do...You think it's wrong for...guys to like each other?"- He felt V move, felt the tension in the air, before looking at him and seeing the small hint of surprise on his face.- "I....No, I...I don't think so, Yoosung."- "Okay." Deep breath. "So...So if-"- "If you were like that, then there's nothing wrong with that either."- As usual, V knew the questions he had before he had been given a chance to say them. Yoosung nodding as he went quiet again.- Carefully, V pat his back.- "Take care of yourself. Let me know if some certain people in your life don't take kindly to that. My home is always open for you, as are the other's."- Yoosung didn't need to be told he was talking about the R.F.A. He nodded, a bit more tensely this time as he tried to take another deep breath.- Going out to secluded areas with V was always nice. Only V had to see him cry, and thankfully the man never judged him for it.Zen- Zen only finds out when they get drunk together again. It's after the events of Mc coming into their lives, off happily with Saeyoung, and they both thought it would be fun to have a guys night!- Of course they wanted to invite Saeyoung along, but he was too wrapped up in plans he had already made, so...Just the two of them it was.- They were pretty relaxed, just sipping on a few beers while catching up and watching tv. Zen had been busy with another hardworking play, and Yoosung was actually trying to get himself focused in school again.- "So, any cute girls been asking you out?"- Yoosung's cheeks were already red from being buzzed, but they turned darker as he firmly shook his head. - "One day bud, don't give up hope!" He chuckled, giving Yoosung a pat on the back. He had always seemed to look forward to the day when he could finally date for the first time. Zen felt bad it had been this long.- Most if their night continued with normal discussions like that, occasionally sprinkled in with future girlfriend talk. Zen kept lamenting over his job restricting him on having the time to spoil a woman, while Yoosung just turned quiet when the topic was brought back up again.- It wasn't until he had downed three beers, a surprising amount for Yoosung, that he finally cut Zen off from talking.- "You make fun of Jumin a lot. For that rumor he has."- Zen just cocked an eyebrow at him, a confused smile on his lips. "Yeah? It's the only time I can get the dude to shut up."- "Well, what if he was, you know, actually gay? A-And you were hurting his feelings or something."- Towards the end, Yoosung's words became quieter, but Zen still got the gist.- "Well, fuck. I mean, if he was that'd be whatever, you know? And if I hurt his feelings I guess I'd say sorry or something."- "Just whatever?"- "He'd still be just the same old Jumin to me, but it would explain his uh, empty date life."- Yoosung just muttered a soft 'oh', sipping his beer again, but Zen was curious now.- "Why?"- "Jus' wonderin'."- Weird. Alright. He went to focus on the tv again, but Yoosung spoke up.- "What if I was, y'know. That."- "...If you liked dudes?"- "....yeah."- Zen's eyes widened. "W-Well, uh. That'd. You'd still be Yoosung? But I mean. I'd stop sending workout photos, maybe."- Yoosung scoffed and rolled his eyes, the alcohol making him loosen up. "Who says you're even my type?"- "W-What??"